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#it's so fucking exhausting trying to navigate whatever the fuck is happening here
whispereons · 9 months
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Oracle!Reader Part 7
Masterlist - Part 1, Part 6, Part 8
I'm so sorry. I completely forgot the warnings! This chapter has more talk about sensitive topics. But it does not show or go into detail about it.
Dreams didn't haunt your sleep this time. You slept peacefully but woke up a little groggy from the ships movements. After readjusting your mask and freshening up, you left to find whatever food the Crux has.
The swaying ship's interior looked different in the daylight. So if you got a little lost while trying to find the stairs, then you can't be blamed. Eventually you did find it and climbed it to the main deck.
Most of the crew members seemed to be here already. The vast ocean surrounded you with no land in sight. You thought back to the players that would make ice bridges from Liyue to Inazuma using Kaeya.
"Oh that's them!" A yell catches your attention as a hand is roughly placed on your shoulder. You look up to see a tall, broad man with dark hair and a beard smiling down at you. He looked very familair and the sun casting a shadow on him helped you remember. This was the exhausted man that you showed the fan to, to board the Alcor.
"Is this the person you saw moving everyone off the floors, last night Sea Drake?" The man with his hand on your shoulder asks another man with a eyepatch and red bandana who nods.
"That's them Juza. I heard the creator's wishing show happening and by the time I was in the hallway I saw them moving ya'll halfdead bodies off the floor."
Oh fuck, did he see you wishing?
"I'm a little confused on what you both are talking about. My name is Y/N, I'm a guest that Lord Ayato paid for. Sea Drake was it? Did you see the creator's wishing?"
"We definitely should've introduced ourselves before talking to ya like this. I'm Sea Drake, the helmsman of this ship. Sadly no, when I came outside it was already finished, I only saw the gold star through the window in my room."
Crisis avoided. Juza releases your shoulder and picks up a bag. The way he cheerfully gives it to you is much different then how he acted when you first met him.
"I'm Juza, you showed me the Kamisato fan when you boarded last night. Man , what a shock it was when I woke up and remembered! Come sit with us and the other crewmates! We all wanted to thank ya for spending the time to move us."
You open the bag to see 4 pieces of grilled unagi meat. Your stomach growls at the sight and Sea Drake pulls you to a pile of crates where the other crewmembers are.
"This is Y/N! They're Kamisato's chosen guest, and also the one who moved us before the crates crushed us."
Two women and a man look at you with varying expressions. It's a girl wearing an eyepatch that introduces herself first.
"I'm Furong, I'm just a sailor in charge of fighting. Since you managed to move me then you must have some strength."
The second woman speaks up with a smile. "And I'm Huixing, the crews navigator. That guy is Suling, don't expect much of an introduction, he only likes weapons."
Suling sends Huxing a glare and huffs, "And you only like marine biology."
"So? At least I can say my name, you barely give anyone who isn't a crewmate or a weapon smith the time of day."
They start to bicker as you start eating the Unagi meat, it tasted so good. Sea Drake hands you crystal shrimp and you accept it with a smile. You only eat half of it when Furong silently hands you a plate of squirrel fish.
Isn't this too much food to give to someone? But you wouldn't say no to food, let alone food that smelled so delicious.
"Thanks Furong." You flash a smile at the stoic woman as you taste the sweet and sour dish. She nods and Huixing see's just how much food was handed to you.
"If you'll are gonna thank Y/N with food then you should have given some crab too." Huixing puts a container next to you that looks very similar to crab roe tofu. How were you supposed to eat everything?
"Don't you see the amount of food is too much? You were better off giving Y/N a drink instead." To your surprise the gruff Suling handed you a rainbow aster. A sip let you know that it was lavender melon flavored.
"I don't mind, I didn't eat last night so I was starving." Being handed this much food may be overwhelming but you would be lying if you said it wasn't exciting.
Making it your goal to finish everything they gave you, you start chowing down. They watch you in vague fascination and slight horror as you eat everything. You only had the last half of the rainbow aster left.
Bringing it to your lips you chug it down without stopping. You're pretty sure someone is chanting "Chug! Chug!" until you finish the drink with a smile.
"Man, that all tasted so good." You wipe your mouth and set the glass down. Juza pats your back roughly with a loud laugh.
"I've never seen someone eat all that food in one sitting! Not super surprising since you are Lord Kamisato's chosen guest."
Furong, Huixing, and even Suling seem shocked at this information.
"You're the chosen guest? Are you super strong or super important? Maybe even know some important information on sea creatures?" Huixing asks in a rush.
"Oh, nothing like that. I'm a oracle for the creator so I guess I would fall on the important scale. Can I know why being Lord Ayato's chosen guest is so important?" You ask casually.
"An oracle? Really? That does seem worthy enough for Lord Kamisato to use his favor." Did Beidou owe Ayato for something?
"You see years ago before the Captain got her vision, she needed a new claymore. Lord Kamisato sent Thoma to board our ship with the goods we were delivering around the same time. We were attacked by Haishan, a leviathan, and Thoma almost died during it. The captain ended up losing her eye to save Thoma's life."
Well shit. It makes sense now that Ayato trusts the Crux so much despite their less than legal activities.
"When we returned, Lord Kamisato had already heard what had happened. As thanks he had a claymore made for her. The Katsuragikiri Nagamasa and it was that claymore that she used to kill Haishan. But it also destroyed the claymore."
The force Beidou used to cut off Haishan's head without a vision must have great but also reckless that it broke it.
"Lord Kamisato got her another one in exchange that she would take care of anyone that boards the ship with his fan. His chosen guest is what he referred to them as. It's been so long we thought there would never be someone."
"That sounds incredible. I would love to have seen that hydra be slain." No, no you do not want to see that. Mostly cause you don't want to accidently die during that battle.
The conversation moves smoothly to different topics of different adventures. You occasionally give in input when needed but you're gradually getting lost in thought. Mainly wondering if creatures of Teyvat would actually recognize you as the creator, would battles like that still happen?
You blink in surprise when you see Beidou and Kazuha talking on the other side of the ship. When did they get there? Kazuha looks over in your direction and locks eyes with you. You smile and wave holding back laughter at how red he gets.
Beidou on the other hand has no reservation and laughs at him. You're too far away to hear it but her body language says it all. Whatever she tells Kazuha is making him even more embarrassed.
He glances at you before moving to the middle of the ship where no one else is. Having a feeling on what he wants to say, you thanked the crewmembers for the food and left.
You walk to the middle where Kazuha is already waiting for you. As soon as you stop in front of him, he bows low with closed eyes.
"Please accept my sincerest apologies. My behavior yesterday was unbecoming of me and incredibly rude. If you feel uncomfortable around me due to what I had almost done yesterday then I swear to make myself scarce around you."
Well damn, was it really that serious? The way he pinned you against the barrel yesterday was child's play compared to what you've gone through and seen back on Earth.
You smile brightly and held his hands. Clasping his hands tightly you speak with a gentle and kind voice.
"Kazuha I really didn't feel uncomfortable or threatened at all by you last night. It was more funny than anything else! Besides the haiku you told me yesterday was very sweet, I wasn't lying when I said that being your muse was very flattering."
Kazuha sighs and smiles in what seems to be relief. He stands back up straight and you release your grip. A frown flashes on his face for a split second before his expression becomes puzzled.
"I remember you telling me that you're an oracle for the creator. The grace you wield must be from them too." His eyes get warm and hazy for second, most likely from thinking about the 'creator'. He continues in that calm, soft voice you've known him for.
"My name is Kaedehara Kazuha, I'm a ronin who's been traveling for quite some time. I occasionally join Beidou on her voyages and as fate would have it, I even got the chance to meet you here too. It's a pleasure to properly meet you Y/N."
"The creator has shown me some of your previous journeys. There's no need to speak formally with me unless you choose to. As we are both close to the creator, I wish for us to get along."
The wind's breeze is softer than last night's but it still ruffles your hair as you smile at him. Under his breath Kazuha whispers and judging by the slight wonder in his eyes, he must no realize he's speaking aloud.
"Clouds part for a clear smile,
Winds whip for the perfect stage,
Soft eyes and a hypnotic style,
Not even maple leaves can upstage."
After those last words Kazuha notices your bashful expression. In turn he only smiles calmly with a slight tint on his cheeks.
"My drunk words last night were not false. My creativity has been very low these past few weeks, and out of everything I've tried. It is your mere presence that cured it."
"Should I be worried that I'll be sending Kazuha off so soon? It seems like he's enamored with you." Beidou comes striding over to you both with a confident smile.
"Hello, you must be Captain Beidou. Has the blackcliff slasher that the creator granted you been serving you well?" Beidou smiles wider at that, you were right to keep your guard up.
"Straight to the heart, I like that kind of directness. Seems like there's some truth to your claim as an oracle. I hope you don't take any offense to that."
"Not at all, blasphemous people exist after all. Even if you don't trust me, I hope you can at least trust Lord Ayato since he was the one who paid for me."
"You've got a silver tongue, that'll serve you well. Now I've got Kazuha's flowery language and your charming words. Do ya mind if I ask you how you came to know the Commissoner?"
"Not a problem. I was looking to find a boat to leave Inazuma and Itto, the leader of the Arrataki Gang, introduced me to Thoma. Thoma learned that I was an oracle and brought me to the Kamisato Estate. I proved that I'm the real deal to Lord Ayato and he gave me the fan."
You speak with a relaxed stance and hands in your pockets. The simpler and less detailed you put it, the less likely you'll be caught in a lie about. Telling Beidou that you had to pass tests is just not a good idea.
"Well even if I can't fully believe it, it won't matter too much anyway. Having the Commissioners fan and Kazuha's wind trusting you is more than enough proof for me." She says that but you don't feel reassured.
It won't matter anyway. The fan is physical proof that she can't objectify. Plus you had her at C3, she must feel some sort of pull towards you. Whatever way she takes it is up to her.
"But I shouldn't get so distracted. I wanted to let you know that we'll be taking a little longer to pick up some things on a island we pass by. Kazuha, since our lookout Xu Liushi couldn't come due to his sickness, I'll need you to go up there and keep a eye out for now."
The map in the game showed that there was no land between Liyue and Inazuma. Was this something added or was it finally revealed now that you were in Teyvat? It reminds you of your debate on whether this cult thing was added or revealed.
"No problem Beidou, Y/N would you like to come along? The view up there is breathtaking." Beidou nudges Kazuha with a smirk while Kazuha pointedly ignores her.
"That sounds great! This is my first time being on a ship like this."
Going to the top of a armed fleet? The thought of being up there that high gives you slight anxiety but it's overpowered by the childish excitement.
"Excuse me for a moment." Kazuha brief warning is acommnenied by his hands lifting you bridal style. "Hang on tight!"
Anemo swirls around his lower body as he crouches before springing into the air. Expertly he uses the anemo as momentum to bounce off the wood of the sails climbing higher and higher.
The air gets colder and harder to breathe at the speed you're going at. Closing your eyes you hide your face in his chest to protect it from the biting wind.
The thump of his shoes hitting the wood alerts you to his steady landing. Your amazed smile is clear to see as he softly sets you down.
Holding the circular railing tightly you look down to see the dizzingly view of the deck below you. It was such a dangerous position but the sight of the seemingly endless ocean was enrapturing.
"I personally perfer sitting on the edge of the boat but the scenery here has a certain charm to it too."
You look behind you to see Kazuha leaning back on the railing with his head angled up. His hair is ruffled by the wind and you admire the handsome man. Little details that you couldn't see on official artwork or game models became clearer.
The callouses on his hands. The wear and tear on his clothes. Even the hint of scars behind his bandages did not go unnoticed by your eyes. Moving to look at his face, you meet his eyes. Were those scarlet eyes always so peaceful yet striking?
"Last night you mentioned how I feel like a sweet dream and that the wind speaks highly of me. Today you spoke of it too. Can you tell me what the wind says of me?"
"I am unable to speak to it with words. It communicates to me with feelings and other abstract ways. I've just been in contact with it for so long that I would describe my communication with it as hearing."
Kazuha has been able to hear nature since he was little so he must have gained a lot of experience in understanding what it's trying to say to him. It's quiet before Kazuha speaks his next words with care.
"The wind has a unique way of speaking when it comes to the creator. That same way is also used when it speaks about you. The only one that has ever gotten as close to it as you, would be the traveler. But you surpass even her. As the creator speaks to you, it makes perfect sense that it speaks about you so similarly to the creator."
So, his own opinion makes him interpret the wind differently. If he saw your bare face and you introduced yourself simply by your name, he might have really believed you to be the creator. All those details plus the wind's reaction would make him entertain the idea.
But how long would it have lasted? All it would take is to see your crimson blood to make him start doubting. Doubts will creep in and eat away at his mind until he twists the wind's feelings into 'the wind is warning me of them pretending to be the creator by mimicking their appearance and scent.'
"It's such an honor to be seen similarly to the creator. I hope it can stay like that forever. I'm not sure if the creator will stay with me forever but I'm thankful that I can at least meet people like you on this journey."
Your words are like sickly saccharine. Sweet to others but sickening to you. The lies rot your teeth like sugar as you clasp your hands together. Smiling shyly you look at Kazuha with a earnest expression.
For a second, Kazuha's breath seems stolen. His cheeks gain a rosy hue and his gaze seems to swallow you whole. Until the expression falls and his eyebrows pinch together slightly.
"Is somethi-"
"Oi Kazuha! I need your help with something for a second!"
Furong is the one calling him. If it wasn't for the anemo providing aid to help you hear better, you would have missed it completely. Kazuha looks down and glances at you with a contemplative expression.
"I'll head down in a second!" Kazuha reluctantly yells back before looking back at you with a soft almost sorrowful smile.
"I'll be heading down to help them, if you don't mind staying up here then please wait for me to come back."
You nod to show your agreement and watch him leave. The glimmer of worry in his eyes doesn't escape yours.
There's no way your front failed, if there's one thing you're confident in, it's your skill in lying. His initial reaction shows that he fully believed it, so what made him strongly doubt it?
The wind, or the anemo element specifically. Your connection to Teyvat as the creator must have let it alert him to your hidden feelings. He must believe that you feel sad rather than you being a liar. After all, lying would have made him mad.
You brainstorm what kind of story you can tell Kazuha as you wait for him to come back. The rolling waves, occasional jumping fish, and cawing birds are good background noise to help. The sight of a small island jolts you out of your head.
The sound of Kazuha's signature skill is perfectly timed as you turn back to see him land smoothly on the wood. Before he can speak and try to address your earlier mood, you speak first.
"That island Beidou mentioned is getting close. Should we alert her now or wait?" You point at the land that the Alcor is steadily getting closer to with an easy smile.
Kazuha frowns a little at the sight of it, it turns into a soft smile as he stretches his hands out to you.
"You're correct, we should tell her now. The landing will be a bit rough so it's best for you to be on the deck rather than up here. If you don't mind, I'll help you back down."
"Not a problem." Your words are accompanied by a beaming smile as your hand is placed in his. Swiftly he picks you up and holds you firmly in his arms.
"Which way would you perfer? The fast drop or a gradual landing?" He stands on the railing without faltering as he smiles at you.
"The fast drop, I trust that you will land as smoothly as you speak." The words you speak have a teasing note as you tighten your grip on him.
"Then I will not disappoint."
Instead of jumping off while facing the ground like you expected, he turns around so his back faces the drop. He starts falling backwards as you gasp in surprise.
Unlike the first time Kazuha held you, you made sure to keep your eyes open. Your stomach lurched as the air rushed past you. All too soon Kazuha righted his body and used his skill to land on the deck.
You're set down gently as he keeps hold of your hands to steady you. Eyes scrunched up in joy an airy giggle leaves you.
"You're the best rollercoaster I've ever been on."
"What's a rollercoaster?"
"I don't know, what is a rollercoaster?"
Your serious and confusing response makes Kazuha blink in confusion before Beidou comes up behind him.
"You both came down a lot sooner than I thought. Has the island been spotted already?"
"Yes, it has. It's around-" You zone off when Kazuha starts telling Beidou all the details on where the island is and how close it is to the ship. You needed to conserve any and all mental energy to keeping yourself alive, information like this would hinder you more than anything.
That's exactly why you only sat on a crate out of everyone's way as they ran around preparing to briefly dock at the island. If you are lucky, Kazuha might even forget whatever he planned to ask you.
The ship stops at the island and the board is put down. You watch in vague confusion as none of the crewmembers move to leave. Weren't they supposed to pick up some things from the island?
The sight of a very familar panda boarding the ship with a large bag makes you sit up straighter. Guoba, the usually silent bear happily put the bag down on the deck before catching sight of you.
He freezes at the sight of you as his eyes go wide. Feeling a bit worried that he might react like Ei, you wave at him trying to keep your heart under control. You have no clue how this secretly ancient god would react to you!
Guoba rushed towards you as he jumped up in down in what seemed like joy. Little hums and trills of happiness escaped him as you relaxed at his positive reaction. It would seem that he recognizes you as the creator. Too bad he can't talk and actually tell everyone.
Smiling you offer your hand to Guoba as he places his paws in it with childlike delight.
"Hello, you must be Guoba. You used to be the stove God right? A pleasure to meet you, I'm Y/N. I'm currently the creator's oracle."
He tilts his head in confusion. It must be weird to him that the creator is referring to themselves as someone other than the creator. Hopefully, his reduced mental capacity will not let him interfere and accidentally rat you out.
"Guoba, there you are! There's still a few bags left, please help me get the last ones."
Xiangling comes onto the ship holding two bags with a worried expression. Guoba looks at you and then at Xiangling with a conflicted expression.
You release Guoba's paws and gesture off the boat with your head, silently telling Guoba to help Xiangling out. With one last "Lalala~" he hopped off the boat.
The cheerful vision holder that has a literal god as a companion, sets the bags down and apologizes with a sheepish smile.
"I'm so sorry for Guoba's action! He usually isn't that physical with people. My name is Xiangling and I'm a chef from Liyue."
"It's not a problem, Gouda was endearing rather than off-putting. I'm glad he's that friendly with me. You can call me Y/N."
Another woman boards the ship holding three bags with Guoba following after her with the last bag. A tall stature, darker skin, many spikes and a large guitar-claymore fusion helps you easily identitfy Xinyan.
She was taller than her game model looked like and her features were sharper too. Her character details said that she was taller than most girls her age so it makes sense that you can see her accurate height.
But it still made no sense that people are so afraid of her. People would move out of lines she joins which was pretty fucking stupid. Maybe it's cause she lives in Liyue and you're from Earth but she looked more badass than scary.
Xinyan must have felt your gaze as she turns to look in your direction with confusion. She sets down all three bags and Xiangling hurriedly opens them. With a friendly smile Xinyan walks over to you.
"Are you a special guest of some sort? I'm Xinyan, the only rock 'n' roll musician in Liyue. Beidou doesn't usually pick people up unless they're something special."
Hopping off the crate you hold your hand out with a grin. Xiangling may be looking into the bag but you can tell she's listening. Both pyro users are extremely friendly and not likely to suspect you of anything bad. It's best to get on their good side which thankfully isn't hard.
"I'm Y/N, an oracle for the creator. As for special guest, it's more like I'm the Kamisato Clan's chosen guest. It's great to meet you Xinyan."
As Xinyan shakes your hand Xiangling's head whips around to face you both at light speed.
"You're an oracle for the creator?!" She says loudly as she comes to you with sparkling eyes. Should you be concerned?
"Does that mean the creator can taste food through you? I've always offered food to the shrines and temples but it's not like I can get any feedback through that method. But if the creator can taste through you then you can tell me what they think of my food!"
Xiangling is steadily growing closer to your face with each word until her expectant eyes are almost all you can see. Xinyan watches the scene affectionately before scrambling to close the bags that has ingredients almost falling out of it.
Said ingredients are stuff that you don't recognize at all. Or they are a completely new variation of regular ingredients like hot pink Jueyun Chili peppers. It makes you a little scared to eat her food.
But at the same time, Xiangling was a famous chef. A true prodigy in culinary arts. She wouldn't want to feed the creator bad or sickening food. Her food is just a little dangerous, like Russian roulette.
In the end, your stomach won as you clap your hands together with glee.
"You're correct, the creator and I are connected in ways that acolytes are not. That includes sharing certain senses. I've heard before that you are one of the best chefs and even won a competition! Both I and the creator have high expectations."
Your words are said with so much enthusiasm that it couldn't have been mistaken for someone trying to subtly put pressure to be served the best food.
Xiangling hops from one foot to the other in elation as Guoba cheers with her. She's already grabbing a bag and a few other worrying substances from the other bags as she speaks.
"I'll be sure to serve up the best food! I'll start with something familiar then move on to the more risky dishes and finally end with my newest creation!"
Oh boy, you were in trouble.
You could only wave briefly to Xiangling before she speeds away to what you believe to be the kitchen. If you get sick then at least you have an excuse to avoid Kazuha and Beidou.
"All of Xiangling's dishes are rock 'n' roll! They might look or smell like something that'll set you ablaze but I promise it's full of nothin' but burning passion!"
Xinyan's accent graces your ears as you look at her with a nervous smile.
"Oh, I'm not doubting her ability. It's my own taste buds that I'm worried about. Inazuma has a lot of mild tasting dishes so the signature spices that Xiangling uses might be a shock for my mouth."
"Even so, you seem mighty open to trying it. That's a good thing of course, prejudice only slows life's roll."
The shifting of the fleet makes you stumble a little and grip the railing. Xinyan who has experience with sailing only leans back on edge of it with a content sigh.
Prejudice. It's the core concept that Xinyan fights against using rock 'n' roll which is viewed as resistance. In a way, you were also in this spot due to prejudice. After all, if everyone didn't have certain expectations of the creator or weren't so guarded against features that resemble the creator. You wouldn't be in this mess.
"Hey Xinyan? Do you mind me asking a question?"
"Not a problem, go ahead."
"What made you love rock 'n' roll? And I don't mean as a music genre but as a concept."
"That's a bit of a long story but I'll try to narrow it down. You'll need some background information first. I suggest you get comfortable."
You're quick to shift into a more relaxed stance beside her. Her story and words will be a very welcome distraction from the thought of dealing with whatever Liyue will throw at you.
"You hear my accent? It's because I grew up in the poorer countryside and growing up I faced a lot of people that weren't accepting of me. My height, face, skills, and even my skin color at times. There was a time where I wanted to give up and just accept that I wasn't what people wanted me to be. That the real me just wouldn't be accepted."
Her lips were set in a line as she spoke. Hands drumming on the railing to a tune you didn't recognize.
"But I absolutely hate losing so I visited Fontaine. I hoped that I could learn some tricks to finally master traditional feminine arts, instead I found something better. I found rock 'n' roll. Just that one concert I went to changed my life, the spirit of resistance spoke to like nothing else!"
You stayed quiet as she started to speak excitedly. A little seed of envy sprouted in your heart but you were quick to stomp on it to death.
"It really helped put everything in perspective. I didn't need to change who I was, things I can't control or my own opinions to make others happy. The creator must surely approve of it too since I got my vision through it too. At this point I've mastered everything people said I wouldn't and I'm far happier than I would have been if I gave up."
Her eyes finally meet yours as she smiles fearlessly. You match her expression with one more tame but just as happy.
If your life wasn't in danger, perhaps you would be taking a route similar to hers. Simply living without apology and doing your best to live every day to the fullest. But that wasn't possible when your life is on the line like this. Still it was nice to dream.
"It's really amazing Xinyan. You should be proud of who you are today because there's a lot more people than you think that are just as proud. So don't burn out until there's nothing left to set aflame, okay?"
Those words aren't just meant for her, it was for you too. 'Don't stop trying to find a life here until every option is exhausted.' Reckless? Yes, but you didn't want to die like cattle in this life. Not after living like a dog back on Earth.
"Oh that's perfect! That's the best inspiration I've gotten through this whole trip. I need to go write this down and tune my guitar before the big show today. I'll see ya later Y/N!"
Xinyan was already rushing off to who knows where before you get a word out. The ship wouldn't get to Liyue till early tomorrow morning. What show was she talking about?
You sat at the table in the kitchen as Xiangling placed dish upon dish on the table till no empty space was left. Some looked normal even recognizable like black-back perch stew, a specialty of hers. Other's looked almost frightening like the strange hot pink stir fry with neon green fish and blueish veggies.
"From left to right is my most confident work to my latest dishes. I hope you enjoy them all."
Xiangling looked so happy and expectant that you didn't have it in you to back out. With a gentle smile you start eating the stew.
Was this heaven? Was it possible to taste heaven?
You gobble down the black-back perch stew like it was your last meal. You swallow the last piece before giving your review.
"The creator is very happy that your most famous original dish is this one. It's truly the best combination of Li and Yue cuisine."
You weren't technically lying, your words are more comparable to speaking in third person.
With more confidence you begin eating the dishes systematically while giving what you hope is valid criticism.
"The flavor of silk flowers is a little too strong in this one."
"This blue violet grass you got is good initially but the aftertaste sucks."
"The shellfish you caught requires more seasoning."
You actually managed to eat all the dishes and not throw up. Was this a testament to Xiangling's cooking skills or your iron stomach from all sorts of crap you ate on Earth?
"Thank you so much Y/N! It's always been my childhood dream to offer my dishes to the creator themself! I've written down everything you said so that I don't forget and can always look back on it."
She pats the notebook with a smug smile at your mostly positive feedback that makes you laugh.
"Thank you too Xiangling. Your dishes were some of the best I've ever tasted. Whenever the creator comes, I'm sure they'll want you as their chef."
She blush at your compliment and turns away in embarrassment. Guoba seems to be sharing her joy judging by the happy "Lalala~" he lets out.
You reach out and pet his head. His eyes close and he stands perfectly still. This had to be the most adorable thing, he was so soft!
The clinking of a plate on the table snaps you and Guoba out of your daze. A bowl of food and meat smelling vaguely of pork catches your attention.
"I didn't forget you Guoba. Thank you for waiting and not stealing Y/N's food. So I made you your favorite!"
You move your hand off his head and he happily starts eating his food. What you thought was pork looks different. Was this another animal you didn't recognize?
"What meat is that? I thought it was pork but the texture looks really different. I've never seen it before."
"Oh, it's human flesh. I did have some leftover internal organs but I put those to freeze for him to eat at dinner."
You barely hold back the urge to throw up.
There were always cannibalism jokes about Xiangling with her "Help! My dinner is attacking me!" line but this was so much more. She actually killed, cooked, and fed Guoba a human being. And so casually said it too!
Did she use that meat in your food too? Did any of your dishes have human remains in them? Your grip on the table tightens a little. She's still watching Guoba as she belatedly continues.
"I only feed animals human meat. I wouldn't want to be a cannibal or make anyone else one either. But it's such a waste to leave meat like that to rot. Might as well feed it to someone right? One of my signature traits is to make dishes out of any ingredients after all."
Should you be relieved or worried? This must be common knowledge or even common practice by how easily she told you. Bile pools in your mouth as you ask her.
"How did you get the meat? Did you just find the body or did you have to kill someone?"
"I'm not fond of killing and I try to avoid it outside of when the creator controls me. But when people speak about the creator like they don't matter or don't exist, it really bothers me. I end up saying something, it becomes an argument and then it gets messy. Under law it's okay to kill someone who disgraces the creator so I don't get in trouble but it would be a waste to just leave them there."
That's a literal law? Was it just in Liyue or was it in every nation? If you were too careless when you spoke to Ayaka that day, she could have killed you and no one would blame her.
You hum and nod, not trusting that your voice could be steady just yet. Guoba finishes his bowl and Xiangling takes it to the sink.
Laying your head on the table, you focus on relaxing your stomach.
That law was probably created for more morally correct situations like someone blatantly badmouthing the creator. And there's a large chance they wouldn't immediately believe the accusations. But Xiangling and Ayaka are both well known and liked acolytes. The court would totally believe them.
Ayaka probably didn't kill you because she wanted Ayato to make the final decision. Plus killing you would reflect badly on her as the Shirasagi Himegimi. With this new knowledge of Xiangling's cooking ingredients you had be more careful around her.
You lift your head a little at the sound of a guitar. Was that singing?
Quietly you excuse yourself from the kitchen and climb the stairs to the main deck. There you saw the crew gathered around what looked like Xinyan in the middle.
She was strumming her guitar on a makeshift stage as she started to sing. Her vision would glow at brief intervals as her movements were accompanied by spurts of fire.
Was it really safe for a destructive fire vision holder to use it on a wooden boat? You were no professional but wasn't this an extreme fire hazard?!
A little more frantic you start scanning the boat looking for Beidou. Surely she would either reassure you with facts or put a stop to it.
At the lack of the captain you climb to the higher deck as the music gets louder and louder. Flames were now constantly swirling around her as the crew cheered along.
You finally spot Beidou watching the ocean as the waves roll harder then they were this morning.
"Captain Beidou! I hope I'm not bothering you but I'm just a little concerned. Is it safe for fire to be so open on the ship? Xinyan's concerts never hurt any of the fans but the stages and area tend to be casualties right?"
She looks back at you with her good eye and smiles knowingly. She hangs her arm around your shoulder and spins you towards the stairs leading to the main deck.
"You shouldn't be so worried about that. As captain, I'll always make sure you're safe. So go on! Have fun! Join the crowd and let go of your worries."
That's only making you more worried.
You feel a bit helpless as she walks down the stairs with you. The sky is almost completely covered with grey clouds. Xinyan's singing rings throughout your ears perfectly in tune with the music.
Xiangling leaves the kitchen and Beidou releases you in favor of talking to the cheerful chef. Looking up you can see the faint form of Kazuha at the lookout. The loud music must be bothering his sensitive hearing.
The air is starting to feel damp and hot as the flames grow bigger and spread farther. Despite your worries, it's almost hypnotic to watch Xinyan perform with such ferocity.
It's the tug of your clothing that snaps you out of your daze. Looking down you see Guoba looking strangely worried. He releases your clothes in favor of holding your hand and brings you closer to the edge of the boat.
With this new view you can see the harsh waves and crashing tides. The ship is swaying and each shift makes you hold onto the railing tighter. A long, huge and dark figure below the ocean makes your breath stop as fear bites your soul.
With uncharacteristic terror and alarm you whip your head around to where you last saw Beidou.
"Somethings coming!-"
Your warning is just a tad too late as a loud roar overpowers your words.
Unable to mask your horror you turn your head back to the ocean as a large shadow overtakes you. A huge sea monster rises from the ocean as the water falls off it with a loud splat.
Four eyes peer down at the ship and seem to lock eyes with you. The twin heads point up at the sky as another booming roar rings through the sky.
This took really long huh? I was just getting super busy plus with family stuff. But that's boring! I also noticed that I write different depending on my location, weird but it makes sense. Isn't it strange how Thoma never visits Mondstadt? Ayato and Ayaka would totally let him have a week off to go visit but he doesn't. I guess you can say that I headcanon that Thoma has a fear of traveling large bodies of water like that. After nearly dying on his way from Monstadt to Inazuma, he can't handle that kind of journey well anymore. Which is why he would need saving.
And I should totally clarify about Xinyan for those who saw her cutscene in the second Golden Apple Archipelago. Starting with setting, it's canon that she has a accent and grew up poor. But in the cutscene, she's in Liyue's city. That can be easily brushed off as visiting. But she also sees a man using an instrument there and gains her love for music. Except she's the first and only rock 'n' roll musician in Liyue so that means she got her love for rock 'n' roll somewhere else. So the backstory I made with her could totally fit the canon. The next chapter has a lot of lore and more action. (that ofc includes lying) Also a lot of people haven't been popping up when I try to tag them but I hope those in the taglist have been getting notifs. I'm gonna edit this whole thing in the morning and post it around then. (maybe) Taglist: @vvyeislazzy, @nikqi, @the-dumber-scaramouche, @etherisy, @yourlocalstranger123, @ra404, @iruiji, @goldenglow149, @haru-tofuu, @lsleepysimpl, @bebobeboben, @yuyuzi-ling, @amidst-the-tempest, @resident-cryptid, @mxd1zzy, @mochicurls21, @nervouseaglelover, @thedevioussmirk, @yumuramma, @kwqsla, @undecidingfate, @ehjane, @game-savvy, @akiramirae, @sielt, @fluffy-koalala, @formacoon, @sxftiebee, @khxii-i, @ursinaw, @chuuya-brainrot, @sweetbills, @kazuchaos, @snowfoxnix, @bluebelony, @conspicuous-mayonnaise, @pencil-of-ashes, @ghostlyintervention, @taiformaifoe, @sielt, @goaudduck, @carminerin, @maddysflowers, @zenith-of-all-zeniths, @crazydreamcat, @leafanonsforest, @grimreapersscythe, @leylanx, @undecidingfate, @sapphireknown, @help-whatdoimakemyusername, @zhonglisfruityass, @fluffy-koalala, @mer0n37,
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beanghostprincess · 4 months
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Love the concept of Usopp falling for Transfem!Sanji but all of his attempts at flirting end up just being cute and making sanji laugh (genuinely laugh. A sweet laughter. She's head over heels for him too btw) but he wants it to be sexy. He wants to turn her on, or, whatever. But whenever he tries to be sexy he ends up failing miserably because he forces it to be extremely normative (exercising shirtless type of sexy. Don't take advice from Zoro) instead of just being himself. And as I said, he takes advice from fucking mosshead so of course he isn't going to look the type of sexy Sanji likes.
Nami has to physically drag Usopp to the girls room with Robin so she can call him thousands of insults before actually telling him that he's acting like a fucking idiot. That Sanji likes him back already. So Usopp is like, all hopeful and happy and says: "Oh! So you're telling me to just be myself?! :D"
To what Nami replies with the scariest most intimidating evil laughter in the whole universe: "Oh, no. Darling. No. You have no fucking idea what women like, do you?"
He's pretty much scared.
But Nami and Robin end up telling him the secrets of womanhood or, well, what they personally like. And Nami doesn't even like men, but she knows how to read a room and manipulate other girls with men and also, she's a lesbian. She knows what women like. She likes women. Women like her. She's the best person for this job. And also Robin because she's older and wiser.
And also, they share a room with Sanji. They talk at night. They know what she likes.
So they tell Usopp about hands. About how crazy Usopp's hands drive her while he works and that he should use them to his advantage (put a hand on her thigh casually while they talk, brush their hands together more often, tuck her hair behind her air sometimes, show her some of his inventions with his hands pretty much being the main focus, etc). Basically, they tell him to sexualize his hands as much as possible because everyone fucking knows Sanji has a thing for that. And Robin can confirm girls like that because every time she sees Franky build something it makes her knees weak (she says this in a very weird and off putting tone so Usopp isn't sure if 'making her knees weak' is some kind of euphemism for darker, more intimate things he is not ready to hear).
Then the hair. Nami is always saying Usopp's hair is spectacular, but also, that Sanji goes insane whenever she sees Usopp first thing in the morning. Messy, undone hair and everything. So the navigator insists on him being a bit more careless with it. Not caring that much about ponytails or buns unless he makes them look really good and intentionally messy.
He has to forget about the whole 'shirtless exercisisng' thing because that's Zoro's way of being a gym bro and attracting their captain (and it only works because he's already dating Luffy and Luffy enjoys seeing his boyfriend doing whatever) and instead focus on being casually shirtless. And it's not like Nami supports the massive whores this ship has because she's exhausted of men being so disgusting around here, but if it's to help them out (she only wants them to stop pining because it's annoying) she will let Usopp walk around the place without a shirt on (as if he didn't do it already but, y'know, this time is obvious he does it intentionally).
Robin then says something about Sanji liking dominant guys, which, well- It's a thing Usopp already knew because it's not hard to tell. But also the archeologist mentions that he should act more confident around Sanji. Be less anxious (as if it were easy, btw) because he has absolutely nothing to worry about. She won't fall out of love, seriously, she's too down bad to get up at this point and the worst thing that can happen is Usopp looking cringey. But confidence looks good on him! So he needs to do all these things without it being obvious that he's trying to be sexy.
Basically, they end up telling him a few more things that girls like Sanji love in men, and Usopp realizes that it's not actually changing himself but accentuating his personality to a bit of an extreme sometimes to get Sanji focus on him.
And it works. it- It surprisingly works???? What the fuck.
Because Usopp does everything Nami and Robin told him. He touches Sanji more. He runs his hands through her arms and thighs slightly and casually when they talk and it makes Sanji cough and blush and needing a moment of silence to continue speaking. He works in the kitchen and specifically build things that need a constant use of hands. He lets his hair undone all day long or only wears messy buns, and he doesn't say anything if he catches Sanji bleeding or fainting (he really, really wants to go help but he knows it would only makes things worse so he lets Chopper take care of it). He doesn't wear t-shirts anymore (he didn't already, but now it's different) and casually stretches or rests his elbows on the ship and makes poses when Sanji is looking. He starts to talk more in a more confident manner. Voice deeper. Words clearer. Once, he even places himself behind Sanji while she's cooking and tries to grab something from the top shelf of the kitchen, resting his hand on her hip for a long second. It drives her wild. To be honest, Usopp didn't even do that on purpose but Nami congratulated him on that one, and he couldn't just say it had happened naturally.
Sanji is a mess, btw. Her food is still perfect and she fights normally but whenever they're not doing anything important she seems lost in thought and the whole crew is so done with her and Usopp. She doesn't even want to fight Zoro anymore and it frustrates the swordsman because their lil arguments and fights are kind of a thing between them and it's ruining his daily schedule!!! Usopp is going to be the death of her, honestly, and Zoro is then going to kill Usopp for that (me and my beautiful love for platonic Zosan).
But neither of them does anything or makes the first move because they're stupid and deep inside they're shy and they're used to being pining idiots.
Then, Usopp takes all this flirting thing a bit too seriously. Because he is stupid and fears that if he stops, Sanji will lose interest in him. So even if it's raining or snowing, he's shirtless. He says it's that a confident man like him doesn't need clothes to be warm, only Sanji's beauty (or something like that, he said). But even Franky is wearing a jacket, so... Also, he tries so hard to accentuate his hands movements when he works that he doesn't get the job done most of the time. And his hair keeps getting in the way and bothering him while he fights. It's a mess.
And Sanji notices because she might be extremely turned on by him but she's not that oblivious.
So one night she sees Usopp fucking freezing because they're close to a winter island and he refuses to dress properly. At least his hair keeps him warm, sort of, but he can't work like this, either. Sanji rolls her eyes and just approaches him without saying a word, throws him a sweater, wraps him in a blanket, and before Usopp can say anything, Sanji starts to tie his hair up into his usual ponytail. Usopp refuses and keeps saying that he doesn't need this! That he's God Usopp and can handle a little but of cold! But he doesn't stop her from doing all of these things, in the end.
Sanji only laughs and gets a hold of Usopp's hands to warm them up, sitting next to him. She breathes against them and now it's Usopp's time to blush uncontrollably. Sanji looks up from there. "You're a moron, you know? You don't need to do all of this."
"I have no idea what you're talking about." Blatant lie.
The cook keeps holding his hands but rests her head on Usopp's shoulders, cuddling against him. "You look really handsome with your hair tied up."
"Uh? I- Thank y-"
"And I love your hands, but if you don't take more care of them I'm going to kick your ass. And also, if you get sick and affects our adventures and your sexy voice I will end you."
"Sexy what-"
"I like it when you blush and stutter and are anxious about every little thing, too."
So Usopp squeezes Sanji's hands back (after a whole long second of analyzing what the other just said) and lets himself rest against her, her undone hair falling over his shoulder and her perfectly polished nails brushing his skin. She smells sweeter than usual. Like chocolate. And even if it's cold, she needs to wrap herself in the blanket too because she's wearing a short dress.
Perhaps Usopp hasn't been the only one trying hard to accentuate his good traits. And God, Usopp loves her even more every day.
The sniper tries to be confident and wrap an arm around her shoulders, but he hesitates, and that same second, Sanji is the one to guide it around her body.
And Usopp is nervous and blushing and Sanji's kicking her feet under the blanket. And it's extremely messy. And perfect. It's always perfect.
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sorenblr · 3 months
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Now that you've completed the SMT V stream, I (and I'm sure some other folks, too) would love to hear what you think of it compared with the other main Megaten games you've played on stream. I think you've done SMT 1, SMT IV and SMT IV:A so far. Include Persona 1 too if you'd like.
And that dreadful Tokyo Mirage Sessions: pound sign Fire Emblem, too
SMTV is hard for me to discuss because there's very little about it that compels me to deeper thought. It really, genuinely bores me to think about, and anything I do have to say about it only evinces an incredibly cynical read of the series. I'll just put whatever I have left to say here, so that I don't feel the need to revisit.
It's just, you know, this bloodless cultivation of recycled semiotics from Nocturne. We ragged on IV for being overly invested in derivation and homage, but it looks almost daring coming off of V. The only really original idea that it brings to the table, the notion of Nahobino as the 'true' form of these divided and depreciated myth images, is almost offensive in the way it reframes designs that at least try to approximate real cultural attitudes towards religion as lesser, enervated reflections of yet more Tokusatsu tripe. Apart from that, it's a very inert piece of storytelling. I feel like a joke is being played on me whenever the game presumes an emotional investment in characters like Tao or Yuzuru.
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I generally think highly of all the little design wrinkles that were implemented under Komori's stewardship, and that owe to his experience directing the more balance-intensive affairs of Etrian Odyssey. The new utility of consumables, dampeners as a limited means of addressing weakness in party structure, the need to attend to enemy and player Magatsuhi gauges etc. All necessary supplements to a battle system that was beginning to wear thin by 2016. Only my opinion of everything that enfolds it, the exploration, was diminished on this second playthrough. The layouts are still compelling, with a novel emphasis on managing layers of verticality, but they're populated with so much idiot open-world cruft. Vending machines, chests, glory crystals, health orbs, Miman. An overabundance of piddling incentive to keep you in a state of compulsion, and which I believe contributes to the exhaustion that many players feel come Taito. I still like the Miman, but they essentially exist in a continuum with the fucking feather collectables in Assassin's Creed.
(All the colored orbs littered around the sands are the perfect wedge to that design sensibility. They're almost totally inconsequential and only worth pursuing for the feeling of having absorbed more bright bobbles into yourself. They whisper to your lizard brain so that you don't feel too unstimulated navigating the space, which is never deigned to be worth the doing for its own sake. I'm out here picking up orbs and I can't even use them to extend the duration of Spartan Rage. Videogames are fucking stupid.)
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It also made me more conscious of the ways the game fails to leverage art direction against what were probably non-ideal production conditions. It's never easy to forget that you're in a world of economically distributed UE4 assets, with no less than four brilliant hues of sparkling sand and ruined structures that have largely forfeited the Tokyoite specificity of previous games in favor of the same vending machines and multi-floor apartments and office buildings repeated ad nauseam. Daat never feels more like a hostile environment than a self-conscious playground. The concept art backdrops and rudimentary 3D textures of IV/IVA, and the claustrophobic interiors of I- all more lively by far. Pretty good skyboxes, though. No complaints there.
I think the series has moved into the sort of tired self-pastiche that every franchise turns to after decades of iteration. Time and chance happened, and now it's Angus Young crawling out of his mansion and into his boy-clothes to duckwalk across the stage while his grapefruit-sized prostate wages war against him from within.
If I were to rank just the main series from what we've streamed thus far, it would be something like I > IV > V > IVA. The only sense in which TMS has it at a disadvantage is that it emulates more cleanly. I'm glad that we're done with the latter half of the series and can finally move on, but I'll never forget that big huge enormous ass...
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calebwittebane · 3 months
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so fucking funny when my brain is like. hey bitch. i see youre going to sleep well heres the thing. im gonna give you some dreams now. picture this. imagine youre staying in a truly bizarre, labyrinth-like hotel thats not even rly divided into rooms, its just like, heres your pile of shit, loose furniture, make yourself at home. anyway theres creatures roaming the place. they can stun you and cause you profound pain. ohh yeah reminder you feel pain in dreams. full sensory experience. remember that. anyway you contact the hotel owner to gently point out a civil engineering safety regulation issue in the building (unrelated to the already mentioned flaws). he seems grateful. it hurts you when you try to speak, btw.
there are, also, flocks of small birds stuck in time, everywhere, dont touch them or theyll crash into what from their perspective is a solid object moving at light speed, and theyll be obliterated. okay so the hotel owner is like thanks for the tip i will get that checked out. Surprise! youre a demon whos been on the run. the hotel owner is your uncle and also a demon hunter whos been Waiting for you. you were supposed to be outside of the solar system, but looks like not only were you paying a visit to earth, you were foolish and arrogant enough to disguise yourself as a human and pull this kind of stupid stunt! well, thats not fucking good.
you dont know what he plans to do, so you do your best to escape His Twisted Hotel Realm. its not easy, but thanks to your ability to fly and to briefly become invisible and able to phase through solid matter, you manage to get out. youre out in the city now. its a Twisted Fucked Up version of warsaw. i mean like Continent Sized. whatever. youre gonna try to get to a train station and then figure out the rest. you take off flying in a direction that seems right.
well, flying is hard. its tiresome. and there are power lines everywhere. get above the power lines level you idiot. oh oops theyre at Every Altitude. gotta make sure you dont fly into them. so dont fly too fast. but you have to maintain a good speed, otherwise youll lose lift. oough oof ouch, you touched some of those wires, that sure hurt! well, this will be an ordeal.
oh geeze! it seems like youve flown into Gargantuan Horrifying Industrial Zone. its the part of the city thats all Mind Bendingly Huge machinery, excavators, pipes, endless fields of moving parts, saws, pumps, i mean theres nowhere to land. theres like, Walking Coal Excavators. walking moving coal plants. huge collapsing exploding structures--everything is so gargantuan, red-hot, horrible and dangerous, theres shit exploding and collapsing all the time. there are fires everywhere. oil spilling. toxic smoke. and of course power lines at every altitude. and enormous moving parts. well good luck flying through this Zone.
oh well! you try. you have powers after all. you try to fly through this Zone. a walking power plant almost crushes you with its incomprehensibly huge, rusty, titan limbs and machinery. maintaining invincibility while flying is Really hard and at a certain level of exhaustion its likely to malfunction, and if it does at a bad moment, youll be obliterated painfully.
well it happens. it hurts. but instead of dying you clip thru the ground into Huge Underground Tunne Network where the workers live and work and navigate the place. you try to hide in storages and unused tunnels and shit, but thing is, due to how Enormous all the shit upstairs is, the whole tthing is like a living organism. when a walking coal plant passes above, the tunnels contract and loosen up and give in, and some of them get squeezed completely. the workers know how to navigate this, but you dont, so you get painfully squished by a contracting tunnel. youre too exhausted to turn invincible.
well you decide trying to blend in is your best chance. best you can do with how tired you are is take the form of a young worker and pretend to be a new guy. some other workers (theyre all like combination coal miners and prisoners) immediately fall in love with you and try to hook up with you. you accept their advances to get information. they tell you about a train line running thru the zone that can take you to the outskirts. next one is tomorrow. you accept that as your best bet. after hours of grueling work and a painful experience all around, you get on the train. its old and falling apart. hard to tell where its going exactly. it breaks down. youre stranded. where are you? you dont know.
ugh! this wouldnt be happening if you werent a demon. which btw other workers figured out that you are. they start drowning you in a bucket of water. you start laughing at them. its not funny. you hurt all over. you want to die, but you never will. youre cursed to live through your own painful horrifying death endlessly, over and over.
also youre 10 and your parents are fighting
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crimeronan · 12 days
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oh. i've been thinking about your oc quartet recently. mainly. devin. tells us about devin.
:D :D :D!!!!
god i'm trying to think of things about devin that i haven't already said. she's an exhausted chronically ill mess who's filled with undying rage, she's a predestined martyr who keeps delaying sainthood by Stubbornly Staying Alive, she's a snarly cunt and somehow also much kinder than anyone expects her to be....
rafi spent a good chunk of time earlier today laying in bed with me and doing analysis of the quartet, which is Amazing. everyone get yourself a rafi who will analyze a story you haven't even written yet with you. we talked a Lot about devin's relationships to the other three quartet members, so that's what's on the brain right now.
bc like. devin's relationship with nova is godawful, obviously. fated soulmates, arranged marriage, forced family siblings, whatever you want to call it, they are Not Good For Each Other. devin is so fucking angry at nova for everything that's happened between them, nova is so fucking desperate to make devin be Good, and the two of them are the only ones who can understand their own specific illnesses, so they remain codependently tangled up in each other.... it would be a lot easier if their relationship was an uncomplicated, loveless political marriage. that they both have complex feelings for each other is what's killing them.
devin's relationship with sol is a lot less complicated on the surface, but not exactly healthy, either. the two of them have suffered similar trauma at the hands of similar (sometimes the exact same) people, they both have an undying rage toward The System (TM), they both like killing people and having weird sex about it, etc. sol is out here like "i'm evilly manipulating you" and devin is like "it's not evilly manipulating me if i fully want to do this and know you're trying to manipulate me" while sol is like "Let Me Have This,"
but devin and RUBY.
rafi and i talked So Much about devin and ruby.
bc on the surface, sol is everything that nova isn't. ie: she's a mean bitch with no friends, who sucks. and ruby, on the other hand, is Nice. and patient. and sweet.
and devin finds that..... Fucking Terrifying.
bc they recognize that demeanor from nova. and nova is only nice and patient and sweet in service of an agenda. and ruby doesn't seem to have an agenda.
so what...... what Does she want.
there are Several Key Events that influence how devin's perception of ruby changes, i won't get deep into them here because i should save at least Some scenes for the actual book. but there's something about like... devin's inability to believe that ruby genuinely respects people's autonomy, because of their relationship with nova. and how ruby's overtures of friendship make devin want to climb out of his skin.
and there's also something to ruby being a mixed Black woman with a noticeable 'foreign' accent, and devin being a dark-skinned transfem person who doesn't know her birth parents & was raised in nova's Deeply Colonialist culture. the two of them sharing experiences with regards to gender and sexuality and race and ethnicity that nova and sol don't.
sol is from the same country as ruby and shares her native language -- but she has also done So Much to assimilate and get rid of her accent and culture and even parts of her name. ruby and devin have similar experiences with being visibly part of a diaspora, feeling out-of-place, navigating where they stand in tachni and in the broader world. devin and ruby also share a desire to protect and help people that sol and nova typically do not.... what with nova desperately wanting to preserve the status quo, and sol wanting to burn everything down without caring what the consequences are.
there's A Lot happening with them. their relationship probably has the most potential to be Functional, but that doesn't mean it's boring or conflict-free. devin and ruby have so much conflict it is Fucking Unbelievable. but they both genuinely want what's best for the other, which is.... something that neither of them are used to having in a partner.
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eoinmcgonigal · 4 months
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So I saw a post about tumblr wanting to try this 'communities' thing, and I just gotta vent/say my piece. (the tl;dr is 'fuck that shit')
1. I really hate the current trend of fracturing and fragmenting things down into little pieces so they can be categorised into boxes. That's not natural. (Also, discord pushing threads, which I already detest for 1) making me feel like I'm gonna hurl from the violently dissonant, ugly layout, 2) the severely narrow topic problem, and 3) how neurodiverse-hostile they are.)
Like, naturally conversations meander. If you're only allowed to discuss one topic, it's gonna be stifling. You WILL run out of things to say. Making another little box isn't going to fix it, it'll just add to the clutter
2. Quite importantly, honestly, just stop fucking changing shit. It's unnecessary
3. It's not going to be neurodiverse-friendly. As if fandom hasn't changed enough to become increasingly unfriendly to people who are just here to enjoy their hyperfixation and/or special interest. I don't need another thing to learn to navigate. I don't need another place with different rules to carefully traverse. Yes, I'm fandom old and salty. I'm AuDHD and a spoonie with about half a spoon to spend on a good day. I do not have the energy to do all this switching about and jumping from thing to thing. It's exhausting. I want everything where I can find it, and where I can be passionate without having to perform tasks like it's some customer service job, or job interview
4. FOMO shit is toxic. This whole 'be a part of the thing!' necessity if you want to 'engage' or see the conversations and 'content'. Why? I guess it's a social media model that drives engagement, but the stress of it is going to fuck people up. What if you don't have the time, energy, health, spoons, social skills, etc? I have no idea how much interacting will be expected with other people in the 'community' but I can see it becoming a twitter-like circlejerk, and if you're not one of the 'in' crowd doing your required interaction/reblogging/commenting then you might as well not exist to that fandom/group
5. From the description, it looks like these things will be ripe for drama, toxicity, clique shit, becoming echo chambers, etc. because 'semi public' means you gotta opt in/join in some way and whatever's said isn't visible to any old user
Like, who is going to create and mod these things? Who decides what the rules are? What if your fave is 'problematic', or your kink is 'gross' (if nsfw is allowed at all), your take doesn't fit with fanon, or you are just a bit weird and people shun or turn on you for that?
I hope I'm wrong and either these things never happen or they're not as bad as I fear, but fuck sakes I have the above worries because it's shit I've seen happen time and time again, and I don't want to see given a place here
Also, genuinely, what the fuck is tumblr going to be like if you can't/don't want interact with these community things?
Quickly, 6. it creates an 'us' (in crowd) vs. 'them' (not part of our gang)
And then 7. who is going to be dominant in these 'communities'?
Yes, I'm upset right now, because tumblr was just fine (well, fine enough) until this point. I mean:
We have the ability to make sideblogs! (My Star Wars sideblog from... well a decade ago oops... is still out there, I don't touch it any more but I left it up for people to go through). Tumblr even made it so we can reply with sideblogs, which was a very neat update.
Tags!! I don't think it's as usual these days for people to go through tags to find new content, but that's how I do it, how I've always done it, and how I always intend to do it. I'm not following everyone who makes an SAS:RH post. I love you guys, but no. My dash would cause me to have a panic attack. It's already too much for me most days.
EFFORT!!!! I can be here every day full-time doing Stuff if I want! Or I can zone out for weeks if I want/need, materialise and contribute a silly meme, then drift off into the sunset again. If I 'miss' anything, I can go back through the tags, or scroll someone's blog. But honestly, who notices/cares on here if someone lurks or goes afk for a bit. It's super low pressure, because I'm doing what I can/want when I can/want
I want to opt in/out on my own time and terms. The thought of having to be part of a 'community' so I can see/not miss Content TM is freaking me out. I don't want there to be an 'appropriate' time window to interact with things like there is on other social media sites.
So, idk how the shit will look, but I don't agree with making things harder for people to access/find. I won't be posting stuff 'semi-privately'.
And you know what's super upsetting? The thought that I won't be able to see conversations and creations for things I love, because they're hidden away behind some complex new social thing I can't navigate. (Which is already an off-putting, ostracising problem on discord.) That's not how fandom communities should be.
The thought of there being less stuff 'out there' because it's in some 'community' somewhere... really not the direction I'd ever hope this site wold go in
I'm fuckin exhausted. Just lemme do my fandom whateverness without having to perform to some arbritary social interaction standard/requirements that I neither understand nor can do
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tiny-banana-time · 1 year
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Ooo, okay, I’m a glutton for punishment - tell me about Vid Message for Kaidan, please.
I too am a glutton for punishment, so it doesn't come as a surprise that this is one of the older drafts I have for a part of the story I'm nowhere near starting 🙃 (Old enough that it's written in a different tense, and the google doc is a different background color lol)
Anyway, this initially started as a response to the absolutely terrible canon conversation on Horizon - because it's so out of character for Jay that I needed to figure out how the hell he would apologize for that. And that's where the two Horizon docs ended up spawning from!
So yeah, snippet under the cut. I plan on re-writing this to match whatever I end up deciding actually happens on Horizon, but here's part of the current draft that'll end up getting tweaked:
His omnitool pinged some twenty minutes later. Kaidan ignored it at first, even knowing that the list of possible contacts was significantly limited while on Horizon, then sighed, knowing that whoever had reached out must have something damn important to say. Blanket pulled down to reveal his wrist, he turned the lights on just enough to get his bearings.
Kaidan sat up and rubbed his eyes, his stubble scratching the palms of each hand as he worked the exhaustion out. If he can't sleep, he might as well work, right?
Pulling up the interface, he navigated to his messages more by muscle memory than sight, and opened the new message without checking the sender. He pressed play and waited. 
Kaidan… Hi.
That snapped him to attention. Eyes properly open now, he looked down and saw Jay recording himself in what appeared to be his quarters. 
Jay. A new message from Jay. That miserable kind of anger welled up inside Kaidan, and he moved to close the message when Jay continued.
I guess I'll start by apologizing. 
He paused the message instead, struggling to process. After all that was said earlier today, he should have expected this. Though he supposed it had been a while since this was even a possibility…
Deep breaths, Alenko. Deep breaths. Give him a chance. It's a recording; you can stop it any time. He exhaled fully, looking back at the man on the screen. You're supposed to be dead, Jay…
Ignoring the way his hand shook, Kaidan pressed play again.
First, sorry I'm recording this drunk. It's… been a day, and while I needed to do this, I couldn't get a word out when I tried sober. 
Jay shot back what looked like a finger of whiskey and poured himself another.
Second, sorry if it looks like I'm drinking too much. Metabolism is even worse since I was… rebuilt…
The last word came out with a vitriol Kaidan hadn't expected. 
If you thought it was hard to get drunk with biotics, try adding whatever fucking cybernetics they fitted me with into the mix. Swear I have to practically hook an IV up to get properly wasted. 
Another shot, another pour. 
Third, the actual important apology here. Reason I'm doing this…
Jay sighed in a way that exuded utter defeat, and Kaidan honestly couldn't remember ever seeing him like this. The night before the mutiny came close: finding Shepard punching his locker and sinking to the floor. 
But this… this was different. 
And it was his fault. 
Fuck, sorry, even drunk this is still hard to do. Heh, apology four before I've even done three… 
Kaidan watched as Jay looked up from his glass and made eye contact, the bags under his eyes a deep bruise that must have been curated over the months he'd apparently been awake. The tears Kaidan saw mirrored his own now.
I'm sorry, Kaidan. For the way I handled… well, basically everything involving you since I came back. Today included. The way I spoke to you was… calculated? I'm not sure. I was trying so damn hard to just keep it together that I ended up throwing myself into that fake Commander demeanor I use sometimes, like I was speaking with a stranger… But I felt like the stranger today. There you were, somehow two months older, and two years older. I had to remind myself that you saw me differently now, even before Cerberus came up.
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sunshinezei · 4 months
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also the thing abt my friend (edit: this post evolved to not being just abt my friend just generally myself)
i wanted to say this thing when i first started talking about people on here but i forgot and then when i thought abt it i thought well maybe it's an understood thing but idk - i live my experiences and go through things from my perspective yk?
so anything i say is from my perspective the same way anything anyone says is from their perspective like their thoughts and opinions
when things happen i only have my experience and the person's reaction in that situation and whoever else was involved has their own experience
where things get more complicated is when people aren't open they're cryptic abt stuff and expect u to read their mind and act the way they want u to - this would be avoided if we all just talked to each other clearly bc if we care abt each other then we would want whatever issues between us to be resolved quicker and with less stress and exhaustion
this stuff genuinely makes me sick of people and i don't dislike people i just hate the mental gymnastics
my mom just did this with my sister it's what i woke up to and i had to help my sister out bc she's a child she's not gonna know how to navigate the perspective of a person older than her that's not telling her how to fix things she's having a hard time even navigating her own mind and life let alone having to go through the puzzle of knowing what her mom is thinking
my mom called her an atheist and told her not to talk to her and to think abt what she did - that's what i woke up to
so i woke up to my sister crying and asked her what happened this time
she told me briefly and i told her to take out her book (the one i've been trying to help her use to help herself get better at stuff she messes up on) and instead of talking bc i know she doesn't need to be lectured and i just woke up i started writing her helpful stuff while she sat beside me on my bed - also so that stuff would be there for her to read over and over whenever she needs - i jumped in bc my mom abandoned her role again as a parent (a role apparently no one takes as seriously as it should be taken)
you're supposed to be caring and guide your child but i get that that's tiring that's why i jump in whenever my sister needs someone
anyway point is all my life i've been put in situations where people just get upset and don't try to fix things or give u the stuff u need to fix things like even telling u when something's wrong
they play mind games
and when you're younger this shit can make you feel insane bc you're thinking this person is older than me why are they acting this way - leave that - if it's my parents doing this why are they acting this way then telling me they care about me more than anyone else in the world does don't they get how this is affecting me how could they not this is so confusing - and how can i feel safe and trust them when they can switch on me so easily like that
yk?
so the wanting to die then makes sense (abt myself my sister's okay she has me)
i try to be rly open with my friends and everyone bc i go through the worst anxiety and panic and sadness and exhaustion trying to figure out what people are thinking especially when they could or could not be upset with me like at least tell me - are they acting weird on purpose to make me feel like something is wrong or am i just overthinking this? are they acting weird bc they're not okay and it's unrelated i'm worried about them and i feel bad i may have done something to make things worse for them i wish i could just outright ask
and i do ask directly bc if there is an issue that's the best way to solve it! why are we fucking around- i'll be aware of it and i can actually do something to fix it - i can't fix something i don't know is broken - although i am told to be more aware so i know on my own but can we not just be more considerate and help each other out
idk i'm getting to the point of expecting the same things i do for people back and i can't do that so we move on
generally just open and clear communication would do fucking wonders idk why no one does it the effort to do it is not that much and if u care abt whoever it is you'll do it so u both can get past whatever issue it is and be okay
anyway this stuff with my friend just made me realize i've been mistreating myself and not prioritizing myself which duh -
(this sounds like i'm gonna say i've been putting up with this shit for too long and i will stop now but hahaha unfortunately that's not something i can do in my life so my real thought that i had coming up)
- but i haven't been working on myself and doing things for myself to improve in the things i want
that'll make her not sharing helpful stuff with me and just doing them for herself not affect me at all bc it doesn't matter - i help myself
no one thinks like i do - despite what they might say to me their first reaction when finding / doing something good is not oh i need to share this with <insert name>
and i shouldn't even be thinking this way anyway
after her exam yesterday she came and found me at the uni study area and sat beside me and the anxiety of having her there didn't let me study well for my exam like i was planning to bc i had to cater to her i even had to remind her when to go to the exam room bc she lost track of time
then when i went to the exam room one of my classmates came up to me and told me he hadn't studied so i gave him the little notes i was writing myself before while studying and told him to go over them bc they're important
then another classmate had asked me questions so i sat with her to tell her about them and i was so overwhelmed i ended up messing up the formula of the simplest question on the exam
having solved it properly before my friend joined me at the study area
i kept checking it and i just couldn't figure out why i was getting different numbers
i wanted to break down when i left the exam room and checked the little note i have summarizing the entire question solution process from that chapter and realized the dum mistake i did
but i couldn't
so again i just carried that feeling with me and pushed it down so i could go be a friend to my friend outside the exam room and my other friend who had lost her wallet that i was also looking for that day bc she said she wasn't coming to uni at all and i was stressed out for her - she ended up coming and taking her exams and she asked security about it they found it and she got it back
she stressed me out and panicked me so much about that - telling me she didn't sleep except 30 mins but that it helped and she felt better to which i said that's good bc i was happy she got some rest - she texted me panicked and i helped her think clearly
and i just went and messed up my exams
like u know at the end of all of this i did nothing
i just continued being a failure
i helped this friend submit a report to some institution i know nothing about
i'm not doing anything meanwhile everyone else is and they're doing better than me but they keep stressing me out and panicking me so my brain immediately throws me to the side and helps them
i found out after my mass transfer exam that my friend had studied for it and solved the question sheet we got from the professor - she just didn't think to send me anything helpful i guess - knowing she would expect that of me with us being "close" and being in the same classes how could i not yk? that's what she'd think like she thought of those old friends of hers that wouldn't help her
crazy how u can be exactly like the people u hate and not see it
i just said next time tell me when you study because i couldn't even solve but i was sending u my solutions to try and help however i can bc i thought u didn't study - she said her exam went well and she could even solve q3 and 4 in the sample q sheet which i had told her i couldn't solve
is it too much for me to expect that as my "close" friend she'd try to help me out knowing how lost i am in my classes and how much of a hard time i've been having
but even after we met for a couple days in a row she never asked abt me or my issue - how it went or anything
she just idk was talking abt herself and i let her and i also talked abt her - when she was leaving "oh u have to go to <insert place> today right like every friday?" and she said yes and i told her ok maybe u can go home then to the place so u won't be too tired from ur transport
i'll just go with it
but work on myself and do better for myself
bc i need to
i can't tell if i'm expecting too much by feeling like all my friends do is stress me out and tire me when they're actually fine and they never think of me or think to help me when they rly could
i was talking to my other friend abt people telling me they don't feel like i'm a real person and them treating me how they do making sense bc they care abt what i do for them they don't even think of me as a person
and she was saying it's not like that
when she wasn't there in any of these relationships it is like that with everyone
but i don't care i'm miserable anyway i never thought life would be good for me so expecting any part of it to be good is a mistake
the only things that can be good are what i try to give myself otherwise it's rare
i like being the way i am but this stuff makes me rly hate myself bc it feels like i make so many problems with people when i don't
i don't think of what i do as sacrifices bc i hate that i don't do anything for anyone to do stuff for me i just idk part of me would like it yk? is that so bad to think? and when i myself am not doing well it gets like more difficult to do so much for other people - especially when the way they do nothing for me back is highlighted bc i have no one helping me when i'm not doing well
it's a good thing that my friends and random people i meet around uni feel like they can tell me abt their stress and ask me for help with things and express all that - i need to keep that in mind too that it's good that i'm the kind of person to make people comfortable enough to do that - although again i'm assuming they don't have people like that when in reality i'm not the closest person to these people no one that does this with me doesn't have people they're comfortable with - it's just they wouldn't want to bother them with stuff like this so they're glad they found someone who offers to help and support and says it makes them happy
it's okay
i hate that i'm here still and that i'm like this
but we move - when there's things i can't fix or control i have to focus on the things i can do to make things better in the ways i can
12:40 25/11/2023
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For several long, terrifying moments, all was black. Dark. Silent.
And then the team blinked back into existence.
No longer standing on the shores of the lake, they were instead in a strange and alien landscape, resembling an ocean while somehow not at the same time. Fish that looked different than any species that existed on earth slowly pulsated around them, structures that vaguely resembled underwater plants pulsed and undulated along what could loosely be defined as walls, and the entire landscape seemed to be filled with the same kind of eerily blue glow that had been emanating from Zygna's magic. Slowly getting to their feet, the entire team looked around in awe, Eva being the first to break the silence.
"Where the fuck are we? This is....not at all what I imagined the afterlife was gonna look like."
"I don't think we're dead," Matthew interjected, coming up beside her. "I think the spell that Damien gave you worked. We must be inside her mindscape, somehow."
"But how the fuck are we supposed to get out of it?"
"....Little shaky on that, to be perfectly honest. The journal didn't exactly say much."
"God damn it, Damien-"
They were interrupted by a loud, booming voice, seeming to resound from nowhere and yet everywhere all at once.
"FOOLS. DO YOU THINK INVADING MY MIND WILL BE ENOUGH TO STOP MY PLANS FOR THIS EARTH? MY PLANS TO WASH THE SINS OF HUMANITY CLEAN? GO ON. TRY TO FIND YOUR PRECIOUS DAMIEN. TRY TO ESCAPE FROM HERE. I ASSURE YOU, YOU WILL FAIL, AND I WILL BASK IN THE STINK OF YOUR FAILURE."
"At least give us a hint, you fucking snake-y bitch!" Eva yelled out, despite Matthew's valiant attempts to quiet her. "Start playing fair. Or are you scared that a couple measly humans are going to kick your ass all over again?"
"YOU STILL THINK IT WISE TO CHALLENGE MY POWER. HOW CUTE. HOW FOOLISH. FINE. NAVIGATE YOUR WAY THROUGH THE MAZE, HERE. FIND YOUR PRECIOUS DAMIEN....ASSUMING I HAVE NOT ALREADY ABSORBED HIM. I WOULD NOT NORMALLY GIVE YOU A FIGHTING CHANCE, BUT I SUPPOSE WATCHING YOU FLAIL ABOUT MINDLESSLY TRYING TO SOLVE THE PROBLEM YOU CAUSED WILL BE MILDLY ENTERTAINING, IF NOTHING ELSE. YOU HAVE THE SPAN OF ONE HOUR. IF YOU FAIL....I DO NOT THINK THAT I NEED TO REMIND YOU WHAT WILL HAPPEN."
The voice blinked away. The team was simply left there in the dark, huddling together, trying their best to both comfort each other and come up with a plan. Eva frowned, running an exhausted hand through her curls as she paced back and forth. "Okay. A maze. That means it's got to have a center of some kind that we can go to, if if it doesn't have an exit. We just need to figure out how the hell we get there. But how are we going to find our way without getting lost in this place?" "I, uh. Brought some rope," Stanley chimed in, as every head in attendance swiveled towards them. "I thought maybe we could use it to hold that thing down if she broke through the streams-" "-oh yeah, Stan, because everyone knows sea monsters are fucking terrified of ropes-"
"-anyway. Maybe one of us stays here, holds the end of the rope. Somebody else peels off to investigate. They can just follow the rope back when they find Damien. Like that minotaur myth or whatever."
"Stan. That is a surprisingly genius idea, coming from you." Eva's brow furrowed a moment later. "But how do we figure out how to even get to the center of this bitch's mind?"
"I have an idea." Brianna's timid voice came, causing the whole team to face her now. "Well, I, uh....I was. Looking at the walls here, and they seem to get.....thicker going in one direction than another? Kind of like the veins and arteries leading to the heart, right? So I think if you follow it in the direction where it's getting thicker, eventually you'll get to the center. But that's just a hunch-" Brianna broke off as Eva stepped forward, clapping one hand onto the younger girl's shoulder in a surprisingly heartfelt gesture.
"Bri. Remind me to thank you profusely for that later. For now....let me be the one to find Damien."
"What? Eva, no. Don't be a self-sacrificing idiot. One of the rest of us can go," Matthew protested, silenced by Eva holding up a hand.
"Matt. I have to. I'm the one that has the book on how to even beat this sea serpent-y coward in the first place. I'm the only one on the team that Damien even seems to remotely trust. If I can get to him....we have a chance to make this right. I have a chance of getting more information out of him. And then we can put this bitch down once and for all." As Matthew hesitated, Eva stretched a hand out towards him, her expression surprisingly vulnerable. "Please. You asked me to trust you during the whole Rocket situation. Now trust me."
There was silence for the span of several moments. And then Matthew relented, his posture visibly slacking as he let out a shaky exhale. "Fine. But the minute I think anything is going wrong, I'm pulling you right back. Got it?"
"Got it. Stan, gimme the rope. The rest of you, stay here. I'll give the line a tug or two when I find Damien. I promise." Taking the rope in one hand, Eva stepped towards the nearest tunnel that seemed promising, taking one look back towards the team and offering a gentle smile that she hoped was encouraging. The responses she got were varied--a worried look from Matthew and Brianna, a small but encouraging wave from Taya, a thumbs up from Stanley--but they fueled her all the same. This was her team. Her family. Impossible odds be damned, she was going to fix this entire fucked-up situation. She was going to bring Damien home, and they were going to kick Zygna's ass all the way back to whatever pit she had seen it fit to crawl out of. Together.
Taking a deep breath, Eva faced forward. Squared her shoulders. Fastened a look of grim determination onto her face.
And then she stepped forth, into the darkness.
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pochapal · 3 years
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my mother is three for three on Suspiciously Probing Statements...counting down the days until she just out and says “i think you’re transgender”
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tooweirdforyou · 3 years
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Straw Hats With A Suicidal! Shipmate
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message @pixelkittycomet » Hi, I love your stories/scenarios. I has an idea for my one piece fan character, (this is a bit touchy so idk) but I was curious how do you think luffy and the straw hats would react if their y/n crew mate tried to take their own life? Like they caught them just in time or something? Sorry if it's too serious.
-
Hello! First of all, thank you. And second, I wasn’t sure if this was a request, I don’t think it is- and I also took a look at your character and I think it’s really good. Also, wasn’t sure if you wanted together or separate.
I won’t dwell too much into this topic, since it’s very sensitive. I also changed it up a little bit. I did do something similar to this before though.
WARNING : mentions of suicide, suicidal thoughts, methods of suicide, self-harm, etc.
PLEASE USE CAUTION! NEGATIVITY AHEAD! PLEASE BE CAREFUL! I WILL NOT BE WRITING ANYTHING LIKE THIS AGAIN, I hope.
-
Luffy
LUFFY wouldn’t quite understand. He’s never had to lose a loved one like this before..
“[Name]?.. what are you doing?”
The loud gasp that escapes your lips is heard as you snap up with wide eyes and turn around to face your Captain, who’s staring at you with eyes just as wide as yours.
“Why are your hands bleeding? Did you get hurt?” His clueless tone and the tilt of his head makes your heart pound against your chest, quickly shifting to hide your hands from his sight.
“Luffy!- blood? I, I don’t see any blood. I’m fine, really. Why are you here again?”
“I.. came to see what the noise of crying was coming from.” He mutters out almost inaudibly, his eyes widening by the second at the slow realization.
You, hiding your hands with teary, puffy red eyes and the bloody water filled sink.
The first thing Luffy felt was rage.
You, of all people, were thinking of doing something like this? What could be so horrible to take it this far and deliberately hurting yourself?
And why didn’t he see this sooner, so he could stop it?
But instead of lashing out at you, he lowers his head to hide his face, and slowly walks towards you, before eventually jumping at you, and lunging to wrap his arms around your body, forcing the two of you onto the floor.
With his tight embrace around you, Luffy leans into your ear and you were able to hear his weak voice to you.
“I’m sorry..for not noticing sooner.. so please..” his voice cracks and you sensed he was crying with his frail, trembling voice.
“Please don’t hurt yourself anymore..”
-
Nami
Nami wouldn’t even know how to react, she’s just stunned but once realization hits, genuine fear and panic flashes in her eyes and she’s yelling at you desperately.
The navigator was simply hoping to rest and relax in the aquarium lounge.
So when she walks through the door, she’s not expecting the sight of you trying to take your own life.
“W-What are you doing...?!”
Quick to react, Nami pulls out her Clima-Tact and fires a lightning bolt towards the suspended tied rope before you could even stick your head through the loop, successfully burning the rope.
“Nami! What are you doing here? Why’d you do that?!”
Hearing you made her scoff in disbelief, glaring at you through her quick teary eyes.
“You’re asking me why I did that?! Are you listening to yourself?!”
If you still didn’t listen and insisted on arguing, Nami doesn’t hesitate to slap some sense into you.
“HOW STUPID CAN YOU BE!?”
It would be silent as soon as she slapped you.
“I can’t believe you’d even think about this!”
Her voice is weak and she’s trembling, yet her cries and glares didn’t falter for a second.
Tears continue to stream down her face as she wipes them away, before she lunges herself at you.
“Are you trying to make us suffer by doing this?! Did you even care to think how we feel? How I’d feel?..”
Her lectures didn’t stop, even through her sobs.
“Don’t you.. EVER, think about doing this again! Okay?!.. just.. just come talk to me.. you idiot..”
-
Zoro
Zoro tends to yell because he doesn’t know how else to comfort or cope, and it’s just the stress he’s feeling from almost losing you.
The swordsman let out a heavy sigh as he climbs up to the crows nest after taking a quick break for a drink.
As soon as his head pops up through the little door to enter, he’s startled to find you, playing with one of his swords.
Specifically, the Wado Ichimonji.
Though, perhaps “playing” wasn’t the correct term. Either way, the sight of you angling it towards your neck to slice was something that instilled pure paralyzation and shock into him.
“What..-“ Zoro sprung into action, immediately jumping to push the sword away from you, shoving you away and onto the couch of the crows nest.
The impact forced into you from the shove made you grunt, knocking the air out of your lungs as you peer up at your assailant.
“Zoro? What are you doing?!”
“That’s my line, dumbass! What the hell was that just now?! Huh?! Were you really planning on taking your own damn life here?!”
“Shut it! You have no idea what I was planning!” You retort and Zoro scoffs. “I think I had a pretty good idea.”
“Tch. Even then, it’s not your problem!-”
“Of course it’s my fucking problem, [Name]!” That shut you up.
Zoro let out a deep breath and stared at you with his piercing eyes.
“Did you even think about how the people on this ship would feel? If they saw you doing something like this?.. what about Luffy? Did you give a damn about how our dear captain would react if his precious crew member, that he took the time to know and recruit to his crew, took their own life without an explanation?”
You didn’t say anything. You felt the tears brimming your eyes at him but you couldn’t say anything.
“Damn it, [Name]..” The swordsman looks down, shadow casted over his eyes and the clenched fists he had made his nails dig into his skin, veins forming.
Eventually, he slowly relaxes and walks to you, seeing your teary eyes and knelt down in front of you.
“Don’t fucking do this again, okay?.. please.. please don’t leave me alone like this...”
-
Sanji
Sanji would burst into tears the instant he realized it, all the regret and pain burying itself into him for not noticing your pain. He’ll beg you to stop. But he’ll definitely be yelling / comforting too.
The chef who wakes early to get started on breakfast for the day, whistles a quiet tune while brushing away the morning drowsiness.
And due to his exhaustion, when he opens the kitchen door, he doesn’t believe his eyes at first, but a quick second glance lets him know it’s real.
Seeing you, standing over the sink with a common kitchen knife ready to cut. Definitely not vegetables.
“[N-Name]-chan... what..”
The panicked expression you held while you snapped your head up towards him made his heart break.
“Sanji! You’re up early..” Sanji watches as you frantically move to hide the knife and rinse your hands, as if you were merely washing up.
“I just thought I’d help you out a little bit is all! Since you’re here, let’s get started, yeah?” You let out a awkward, nervous laugh and turn off the water.
Sanji felt tears brimming his eyes when he realized just what you were about to do. “[Name]-chan.. were you.. just..”
He’s in utter shock and disbelief, the pained look his eyes held made your heart sink to your stomach at the sight.
“How can you do this? What happened? What made you even think of doing this?”
Sanji didn’t hesitate to rush to you, grabbing you by your shoulders and tightening his grip. “Tell me, [Name]! How can you go so far as to attempt to do this?!”
Tears are cascading down his cheeks rapidly, before he pulls you into his chest in a tight embrace.
“Please don’t lose value in your life like this, [Name]-chan.. you deserve to live.. don’t take this for granted..”
Sanji can feel his shirt start to get wet but he didn’t care, rubbing your back and hiding his teary face. “Whatever it is you’re suffering from, i will help you through it. I promise.”
-
Usopp
Usopp would be frozen and panicking in the spot, before shouting at you with pleas and blabbers, before forcing you by tackling you to the ground.
Seeing you standing on the edge of the railing catches the sniper off guard. He was simply leaving his room to go to the bathroom when he sees you.
The moonlight is shining down on your form, and if Usopp wasn’t so concerned and didn’t have a sinking feeling at the sight of you, he might’ve thought you were a goddess.
“[Name]? What are you doing up? Get down before you fall!”
Upon being deeply lost in thought, you barely heard Usopp’s voice but managed to catch it.
You turn around to face the sniper and you offer a weak, teary smile which startles the poor guy. “..Usopp.. I should ask you that.”
Instead of responding, he widens his eyes and runs over. “Hey, were you crying?.. why? What’s wrong, [Name]? Should I go wake the others? Or chopper?” He was internally panicking.
“I’m fine.” You cut him off and turn back to the sea, shifting your weight as your smile fades and you stare at the water below you solemnly.
“Can I ask you a question?”
Usopp, surprised, nonetheless nods and leans against the railing beside you, still hoping you’d come down.
“Usopp... will you.. let me die?.. will you kill me?”
Silence.
Frozen.
His body froze. His mind blanked. His blood stopped circulating. Nothing could be heard but the ocean waves washing around the sea.
Immediately, Usopp did the first thing that came to mind and ran at you, wrapping his arms tightly around your legs to prevent you from what he assumed was jumping.
“STOP! I WON’T EVER DO THAT! DON’T SAY STUPID THINGS LIKE THIS! HOW CAN YOU SAY THIS AFTER EVERYTHING WE BEEN THROUGH TOGETHER?! PLEASE DON’T DO THIS, [NAME]!”
Loud sobs were quick to escape the sniper’s mouth as snot and tears cascades down his face, roughly pulling you and tackling you down to the ship’s deck so you weren’t on the railing anymore.
“Agh- Usopp—“
“PLEASE DON’T EVER THINK THIS WAY AGAIN! I...” Usopp stares down at you before shutting his eyes tightly, tears flowing nonstops, his grip around you unmoving, as if he was afraid you’d disappear if he let go.
“I don’t know what I’d do without you..”
-
Chopper
Chopper would be screaming and sobbing endlessly, hugging your leg as his desperate pleas reach your ears.
Humming a sweet tune, with a carton of milk in his hoofs, the little doctor steps into his medical office and instantly, his once bright smile drops into a look of horror.
“[NAME]!”
Milk tossed aside, Chopper is quick to come bouncing by you slouched over, a half-empty flask of a green liquid in hand and your shallow breathing behind heard.
“Ch..Chopper.. hi..”
The little reindeer has pure fear lit in his eyes as he takes the flask from your hands and looks to see what’s in it.
“Why did you touch this?! This is a dangerous chemical, [Name]!” Chopper panics, fumbling through his book to find a quick antidote, ignoring your weak protests.
How could you go through his things and drink the deadly chemical?!
“Chopper, stop..”
The little doctor wasn’t listening, tears blocking his vision as he tried to read the words and began mixing some of his liquids together to begin working.
“This,.. and this.. no, this isn’t right-! Where’s Traffy when I need him!?” Chopper cries as he frantically mixes the liquid, eyes flashing towards you in worry.
You didn’t say anything, closing your eyes and felt sweat forming on your forehead and felt your temperature raising.
Weakly, you manage to wrap your arms around Chopper’s little body and hugged him like a stuffed animal.
“Thank you, Chopper... I appreciate it.. but.. I’m fine.”
“[Name]...”
Choked sobs slipped from his mouth as he grips the flask tightly, persistent in finding the cure for you.
The chemical you took wasn’t completely unknown but it was still foreign enough to Chopper that he didn’t know how long you had or how deadly it even was.
“I’m not giving up. I don’t want you to die! I don’t know or care what brought you to do something as drastic as this. But YOU’RE MY FRIEND! and I don’t want you to leave me alone!”
“So please... don’t die, [Name]..”
-
Franky
The silence Franky has is painful, he’s feeling mixed emotions at the thought of losing someone dear to him again. He’s angry, clearly but he doesn’t yell at you. Instead, he shares his thoughts.
The cyborg stare solemnly, his sharp eyes boring right into your slouched, teary, and sobbing figure.
The blade that was once in your hands was now discarded, unused and forgotten. Franky made sure of that last second.
He walks up to you, looming over you from behind as he pulls out a tissue with his mini hand and holds it out for you to take, still keeping silent since he came in.
You eased your sobs a bit and muttered a quiet gratitude before taking the tissue. You weren’t sure what Franky was thinking and honestly, you weren’t sure if you wanted to know.
“..feeling better?”
A startled pause came from you as you froze for a second before relaxing and nodding. “..yeah.”
“Good.”
“Franky.. I-“
“I don’t need to know.”
Interrupting you, Franky continues to look at you before going around and sitting on the ground in front of your form so you would face him.
“I don’t know why you did this. I don’t need to know either, but if you want to tell me, I’ll listen. However, I won’t apologize for what I did just now, I won’t ever let you hurt yourself like that when I’m here.”
You stay quiet, letting Franky continue but his words are enough to make you start tearing up again.
“A life is not a choice. You should value it and keep living for the ones you love and for the ones that love you. Everyone on this ship is a loved one that cares about you and I’m sure you’re aware of that, but you must’ve forgotten. It’s okay to forget that though, because I’ll be here to remind you. Understand? No one on this ship wants you to do this ever. We love you more than you know.”
Wiping the shedding tears that continue to escape, you peer up at Franky and see him offering a genuine, assuring smile.
“So don’t do this again and live. You got an amazingly crafted and you are part of this SUPER~ pirate crew, the Straw Hats!”
-
Robin
Even if this has nothing to do with her whatsoever, Robin will never forget nor live down the guilt and regret of letting you even thinking about doing something like this.
Unable to sleep, the archaeologists was simply resting on her lawn chair on the upper deck, where her beautiful flowers laid.
Robin, resting her eyes as the sunset settles in the bay of the ocean, slowly disappearing. However, the quiet patter of footsteps creaking onto the upper deck made her open her eyes.
With one glance, Robin was able to see your figure quietly heading to a particular area of the garden, which was Usopp’s large plants, and also a view blocker.
Robin furrows her brows and quietly sat up, crossing her arms and shut her eyes, quickly forming a pair of eyes near you.
The sight of you hunched over, plucking at one of Usopp’s plants makes her eyes widen as she quickly sprouts arms.
“Cinco Fleur!”
Instantly, two pairs of arms formed and forcefully grabbed your wrists apart, a third pulling Usopp’s plant away from you and two more forcing you to back up.
“What the hell?!” You curse and struggled in the movement. “Robin?!”
“[Name]! What are you doing messing with Usopp’s poisonous plants?”
The historian shows herself to you as she continues to hold you in a bind, so you wouldn’t move. The pained and confused expression on her face almost makes you feel guilty, for you withheld.
“Poisonous? O-Oh, I had no idea. I thought they were vegetables!— Anyways why are you awake at this time??”
“I should be asking you that, picking vegetables at this hour?..” Robin mutters skeptically, tilting her head as her expression saddens.
“Don’t tell me you were...”
The turn of your head and avoidance of her gaze let her know your true intentions and she can almost hear her heart breaking.
“why?..”
You didn’t say anything and clenched your fists tightly, shutting your eyes and ignored the fact that she had released you.
“I’m sorry, Robin.. I can’t do this anymore..”
“To go this far? I didn’t think..” she continues to trail off, her eyes quickly becoming glassy and lost, painful memories of her own suicidal thoughts arising.
Robin sinks down to her knees and brings her hands to her face, tears brimming her eyes. “I don’t want you to do this, [Name].. you deserve so much and.. I want to keep seeing you on this ship.. I’m sorry.. I want you to keep living but I caused you to..”
Guilt became overbearing and you ran to her aside, engulfing her in a tight embrace, sniffling your own tears.
“Don’t, I’m sorry. For doing something so stupid with my life...”
Robin exhales gently and wipes her tears, looking up at you. “Say it.. please?”
You offer a small, genuine smile and nod.
“I want to live... I mean it.”
-
Brook
Brook feels great pain and sorrowful memories run through his mind, the thought of losing more precious people to him breaks his nonexistent heart.
The undead musician exits the bath, a towel wrapped around his hip bone to cover his lower regions and a towel tied around his hair at the top.
“Ah~ another refreshing wash from the bath.. I wonder how it’ll feel to bathe in a tub of milk.”
Brook’s walk was cut short as he notices you, attempting something quite dangerous that not even Luffy would try. Yet, something about it was familiar.
His eye sockets widen as he runs over. “[Name]-san!” Hearing the familiar voice, your startled self drops the object and it shatters instantly.
“Brook! You scared me!”
“Apologies... may I ask you what you were doing with that?..” Brook carefully asks, taking note of every action you made. He could feel how serious this seemed.
You bit your lip and turn away, kneeling down to pick up the pieces. “Nothing.. I just...”
‘Ah... I see.’
Distracted, you nearly jump when a few phalanges grab a hold of your wrist.
Brook’s tight grip forced your hold on the shattered pieces to release as he pulls it away and pulled you away from the mess.
“...” Even if you didn’t tell him, Brook already had a pretty good idea. He wasn’t stupid after all, his own crewmates often did similar things and it costed them their lives.
However, he could tell yours was intentional.
“Your life means more than you think.”
The skeleton spoke this as he begins to lead you to Chopper’s office, noticing you had cut your hand a bit.
“I don’t understand why anyone would take their own life deliberately like so.. no matter what the possible reason could be.. nothing is worth the attempt to take a life so precious, that you only have one of..”
Silence overtook you as you take in his words, feeling a swarm of emotions filling you inside.
“I won’t ask what’s going on but know that I and everyone else is always willing to listen...”
Outside Chopper’s office, Brook stops and turns to look down at you.
“[Name]-san. I’m sure you remember my backstory, right?”
You weakly nod, avoiding his gaze which he didn’t mind.
“Then you know that I am actually dead. However, I didn’t choose to die. Life chose for me.. and even with this devil fruit, I am given another chance at life, but at a cost.”
Tears were finally escaping you, silent sniffles being heard here and there as you continue to listen to him.
“Lives are not something to be taken lightly, and even if I am actually dead, I don’t regret this chance and am taking this opportunity to do better and I’m happier too. I’m with a new crew and family who I will protect and take care of, even if I die again to do so. You are one of them I will die for, if I have to.”
“[Name]-san.”
By then, you were a teary mess but that didn’t stop you from looking up at the tall musician as he offers his teethy smile.
“Remember. Your life means so much more than you think, hold more value for it. If you want to talk, I’m always here to listen and if you want a little song, I’m always happy to oblige.”
You muster up a weak smile through your tears as you nod and wrapped your arms around him tightly and gratefully.
“Thank you, Brook..”
His arms wrap around your smaller figure as he leans down more, smile softening as he chuckles.
“Yohohoho~! of course, any time.”
-
A/N : sorry this took so long, hun. Hope you still can see this when it posted it. I’m also sorry if it’s not great or what you expected.
I think the best one is Brook or Zoro.
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christ0pher-evans · 3 years
Text
Healed Heart
Final Part of the Shattered Heart Mini-Series
Pairings: Chris Evans x Reader Warnings: 18+ Minor Smut / Angst / Cheating / Arguing / Mentions of Divorce / Swearing Word Count: 2.9k A/N: So here is the final part of my mini-series. I honestly cannot thank you so much for the support on this, it means a lot to me and I love you guys for it!!! Please let me know what you think. I hope you’re happy with the ending because it took me a really long time to decide how I could finish off this story with justice. Thank you again, truly😘 Please reblog and like🖤
Part One: Shattered Heart Part Two: Troubled Heart Part Three: Bewildered Heart
 ♡
Three tortuous days had passed since you had last seen or spoke to Chris, three days since you kicked him out your home. You’d had nightmares about being in a loveless and hateful marriage, steamy dreams about your recent rendezvous and nights where you just felt so alone that you had cried yourself to sleep. It was safe to say that the past three days had been exhausting. 
Although fucking Chris in the kitchen during a harrowing argument probably wasn’t the smartest thing you’ve done, it led to some realisations about how you wanted to proceed with your marriage. You definitely didn’t regret anything you said, or did with Chris that day and that was what you found important amongst the disaster. Not regretting your decisions meant that you knew you wanted to move forward in your marriage, and not look backwards; something you would consider a big first step in repairing your marriage. You knew you couldn’t forget what happened and would have to address it before moving forward but you knew you had the desire to push through the hard times. 
You’d called Chris that morning and told him that you wanted him to come home, not that he could or should but that you wanted him at home with you. Emotionally, it felt like the right decision, because at the end of the day he was your husband and you missed him. Practically, it is his home as well and it was the only place you could both be to sort out your marriage with privacy. You didn’t want to be surrounded by the media or by prying eyes. Hell, you didn’t even want the opinion of family or friends, this was between you and Chris only. 
As you tidied up the house a bit and thought about the moment Chris would walk through the door, it was clear to you that no matter how angry or hurt you were, Chris was your endgame. You had played all the variables over and over in your head loads of times, societal rights and wrongs about cheating when you realised, fuck society. You would never leave your husband over this, and that was okay. This was your story and who cared what anyone else thought, because you didn’t want to give up. You owe it to yourself, to your marriage, to try and fix everything before throwing it away. 
For the first few days, Chris slept in the spare room and you danced around each other, trying to find your new normal whilst you navigated the mess that was your marriage. 
Once the first week passed, Chris continued to sleep in the spare room and you finally plucked up the courage to address the problem that had been plaguing your marriage for weeks, months if you consider back to when the problem initially started. 
The day you decided to bring it up, you had finished work early and Chris was already at home when you arrived back around 3pm. 
Walking through the house, you finally found Chris in the home office. 
“I thought you were filming today?” Chris looked up at the sound of your voice. 
“Oh hi sweetheart. I didn’t hear you come in? Um, yeah I was but, uh.. she turned up to re-film some scenes so I came home.” 
You winced at the thought of her and Chris together but was quickly calmed by the effort Chris had made to avoid her. 
Clearing your throat, you found the courage to reply. 
“Oh, er, did you not have to keep filming?” Leaning against the door frame, you settled in for a longer conversation. 
“It wasn’t anything that I can’t just do another day when she isn’t there. I’ve got some scripts to read over anyway so it’s fine.” 
You sighed. This seemed like an appropriate time to bring up the unspoken topic so you could start moving forward but your anxiety felt crippling in that very moment, you didn’t know if you could face it. 
“Sweetheart..” Chris whispered, “Y/N, sit down, please..” 
You moved to sit down on the small sofa by the window, tucking your feet up and under yourself. Chris moved to join you, sitting fairly close but not touching you as you hadn’t crossed that boundary since he came home. 
“Look baby, I’ve been home a week now and we’ve just walked around this house like we are two strangers. I need you to talk to me, tell me what you’re thinking because you’re the one that told me you wanted me to come home?”
You looked up from your lap and straight into Chris’s eyes, “You do feel like a stranger to me.”
You heard his voice hitch in his throat, clearly caught off guard by your blunt answer. 
“I’m still me, sweetheart. I’m the same person you met seven years ago and I’m the same person you married four years ago. Please don’t think I’ve changed.” 
A lone tear falls straight from your eye, as you whimper, “I miss him.” 
It takes Chris no longer than a second to pull you into his lap, all boundaries obliterated, as he hugs you like his life depends on it. As you cry all you can hear is Chris repeatedly whispering, ‘I’m here. I’m still me. I love you.’ 
You shudder at the softened and sweet contact, something you hadn’t felt for weeks but you embraced it, leaning further into Chris’s chest for comfort. 
Once you had basked in the feeling for a bit longer, shutting the world and your problems out, you knew you had to move away. It would have been unfair to give Chris mixed signals as your marriage was still clearly on the rocks. 
Sitting back up on the sofa, you composed yourself. 
“I know you are still you Chris, but you’ve changed to me now. This you..”, you sigh before continuing, “..you’re tainted and untrustworthy, you’re the man that cheated on me, you’re not my husband. I need to get to know you again, and I need to learn to love our marriage again, and learn to trust you again. It’s going to take time.” 
“B-but you want to try?”
“Of course I want to try. Endgame right? That hasn’t changed for me but other things have to change, we cannot continue like this otherwise if something else were to happen, I don’t think we would survive it.” 
“I am infinitely yours sweetheart. Forever.” You watch Chris smile sweetly. 
Feeling slightly more confident and feeling like Chris has really been listening to you, you knew it was time to talk about her. 
“Okay, well whilst we are here, I think we should talk about her. It’s the biggest hurdle for me, and I can’t move past it. I just can’t deal with you seeing her right now, not whilst I’m learning to trust you again. I’ll never trust her so I need to 100% be able to trust you again.” 
Grabbing hold of your hand, Chris nods in understanding.
“That is completely fine sweetheart. For now, how about I just work my schedule around when she isn’t there and wait until you are comfortable before I finish filming my scenes with her? I don’t care if it postpones the film, or they replace me, you are more important to me than any film and I’ll do whatever it takes to prove it to you!” 
You nod feebly, shocked and relieved with the instant commitment Chris was happy to make to save your marriage and earn your trust back. 
An awkward silence falls over the room at the monumental conversation you just had. Needing a moment to yourself, you decide to make a quick exit. 
‘Um, I think I’ll go and grab a shower before dinner.” Quickly leaving, you rush to your ensuite. 
The shower provided a solace to digest what just happened, a few tears falling as you feel overwhelmed. But you left the bathroom with a renewed sense of hope. 
It was another week of tough conversations and private marriage counselling before you felt you had reached another milestone in fixing your marriage. 
You were in the ensuite of your bedroom when Chris came in to say goodnight. He was merely wearing a pair of pyjamas bottoms that amusingly you were wearing the matching top of. 
He chuckled as he leant against the wall, “I was looking for that top.” 
You giggled lightly and blushed, using all your self control to not drool over seeing Chris topless. Unfortunately, you had never been good at hiding any of your emotions from Chris and you saw him smirk slightly at your flustered state. 
“Okay, well, I just came to say goodnight, so uh- night I guess..” 
You mumbled a goodnight back as Chris turned to walk out the room. A rush of affection from the interaction washed over you causing you to shout back towards Chris to catch his attention. 
“Um, stay..” 
You saw the startled look on his face as the words left your lips. 
“Stay with me tonight..”, you repeated as if you were confirming your own words. 
“Yeah, course I’ll stay, if that’s what you want?”, he shuffled back towards you. 
“It is what I want.” 
You smiled at him sweetly before you brushed past him and moved towards the bed, leaving him a bit stunned in the bathroom. 
Weeks passed with no problems. You and Chris had gone back to sleeping in the same bed and you often woke up snuggled together. At first, you’d wake and quickly move away from him however, slowly, you became comfortable with it and you were finally starting to feel at peace in his arms. 
You had woken up early this specific Monday morning as it was Chris’s first day back filming with her. You felt sick to the stomach at the thought of him seeing her again and had slept terribly. You knew this day would come and thought you would be, at least slightly prepared, but as the day dawned, you were scared. Nerves caged around your heart as your mind could only replay the moment Chris told you that he had kissed another woman.
Chris had to go back to work, you understood that. He had already put it off for a while and sacrificed enough of his job to try and reconcile your marriage. You almost felt obliged to let him go back to work, who were you to hold your husband back from his job? 
You were sitting in the kitchen, slowly nursing a very strong coffee when Chris came down, ready for his day. You glanced up at him briefly, barely acknowledging his words to you. 
“Y/N? Sweetheart, are you okay? You’re up really early?” 
Glancing at the clock reading 7:30am, you shrugged and mumbled, “Woke up at 5:30am.”
You stared in the abyss, thoughts whirring through your mind. Thinking about being frightened to death about the thought that your marriage wasn’t even halfway back to where it should be. Knowing that Chris would see her today, spend all his time with her whilst you were waiting back at home for him. It felt like some sick and twisted de ja vu. 
It had been almost two months since you’d last been with Chris in any form of intimacy, almost four months since you were truly a happily married couple and now he was going to see her again, were you really debating that history would repeat itself? 
“Baby, will you talk to me? I can see something is on your mind”, Chris gently rests his hand over yours, bringing you out your nightmarish daydream. 
Looking up at Chris, taking in all his handsome features, you thought, how could anyone ever resist him. The thought panicked you even more.  
Learning from previous mistakes, you knew it was best to communicate to him how you were feeling. 
“I’m scared you’re going to see her again today and history could just repeat itself. Nothing is fixed yet Chris, and it feels like we are already going backwards.”
Just when you thought that being honest and communicating with Chris was the best option, it backfired in your face. Chris scoffed, a look of disgust on his face. 
“Huh, you’re not kidding?” Watching him run his hand through his hair, he turns away and slams his coffee mug down on the side. You jump at the aggressive action. 
“You really think I’d do that again? You really think that little of me? Have you not seen all the work I’ve put into this fucking marriage the past couple of months?”, he shrugs and turns back to you, “What else do you want from me Y/N?” 
You wince at his spiteful words. 
“I know you’ve put a lot into this marriage Chris, so have I! We’ve been doing really well, but can you really blame me for having doubts on your first day back with her? I thought you’d understand!” 
“No, I don’t blame you, but I thought you’d trust me more that this by now.” 
You chew on your lip nervously as you both stare at one another, terrified of the silence. 
“I’ve got to go to work Y/N, see you later.” You hear Chris huff before he walks straight out the house, leaving you sitting dumbfounded and anxious at your kitchen table. 
Trying to do any work from home was useless as you just felt panicked and couldn’t stop thinking about how Chris’s day was going. You hadn’t heard from him since this morning at it was now 6pm. 
After developing a painful stress headache, you decide to lay down in bed. Believing you can block the world out and briefly pretend that nothing is wrong in your marriage, you shut your eyes momentarily. 
FLASHBACK. 
Waking up so softly, you barely blink your eyes open as you feel tender kisses dancing their way up your back, following the line of your spine. You flutter your eyes open carefully, aware of the vibrant sunlight gracing your face as you try to focus your eyes, gradually making out the floor length curtains gently blowing through the breeze from your open balcony doors. You can hear the soft crashes of the waves and can see the soft, baby blue sky from your place on the bed as you stretch out all your limbs from an energetic night. You let yourself surrender to the feeling of Chris’s lips grazing against your bare body.
As he gradually makes his way up to your neck and cheek, you hum in utter happiness and contentment as he places one final kiss on your cheek as he leans over your body. You can feel every line and shape of his naked form as it presses up against you. You think about how you’ve never felt so happy and loved in this moment, knowing that this is exactly how you’ll get to feel for the rest of your life. 
“Good morning Mrs. Evans”, Chris roughly whispers, his voice hoarse from minimal sleep. He nibbles on your ear teasingly before grinding his core over your ass. You whimper at the feeling his movements evoke from you. 
“Mhm, I like how that sounds”, you mumble before smiling happily. The use of that name giving you butterflies. The one that now belongs to you, the name that now proves you belong to each other forever.
END OF FLASHBACK.
You wake with a start as you hear the front door slam slightly. You sit up too quickly, as you feel light-headed and your vision blurs slightly. You breath deeply, gaining your bearings before looking at the bedside clock. 7:30pm; you had slept right through dinner. 
Not that it mattered because you would have been eating alone anyway, you thought. 
Your body adjusts to being awake, your stomach fluttering slightly at the memories and feelings that the dream provoked. Momentarily caught in a fever dream. 
Back in reality, you brain registers that there was a slam at the door. Quickly, you get up and rush downstairs to see what is happening. 
As you halt at the bottom of the stairs and look out into the open plan room, you see Chris standing by the breakfast bar. The very same breakfast bar that holds so many recent heartbreaking conversations. But this time, it doesn’t bring you sadness. 
There Chris stands, holding takeout food in one hand and in the other, your favourite donuts. Behind him, on the wall, hangs the framed photo from your wedding day. Your matching smiles beaming on both your faces, almost as if they are lighting up the room.
You look back at him, standing here in your house. Bringing home dinner to you. Coming home to you. 
Your breath catches in your throat, “It’s you Chris, it’s always going to be you.”
You watch him place down the food on the side, before he begins striding towards you. Stuck in your spot, you can’t do anything but smile at your husband as he reaches you. 
“Forever yours”, you whisper before Chris’s lips crash onto yours for the first time in months. Your lips work together as your hands grip as his waist and his grasp your neck and face so you can’t move away. So you can only feel Chris, so you can truly remember the raw intimacy and passion between you. 
As your lips melt together, it feels as monumental as the moment he kissed you as you became his wife. It feels as if your story is beginning again; with a fresh start and a new-found hope for your marriage. 
 ♡
Forever Tags: @itsscottiesstark @patzammit @partypoison00 @cynic-spirit @n3ssm0nique @sohoseb @madbaddic7ed @moonlacebeam @ilovetheeagles  @beautifulrose0809 @lovelyladymayyy @tenaciousperfectionunknown @mysticapples17 @whxre4cevans @firoozehmoon @spookyparadisesheep @mytbel0st @thatonelatina @snowy992 [Please drop me a message if you’d like to become part of the taglist for this series or any of my work]
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ptergwen · 3 years
Text
sensation
Tumblr media
w/c: 4.6k
warnings: some swearing, suggestive tings, and a pretty bad ending
summary: it’s the last night of your world tour, and tom has the perfect way to celebrate
a/n: i know y’all have been waiting for this one! everyone really loved when worlds collide but i ran out of ideas for it lol sorry... anyways my solution was to turn it into a oneshot :D based off the au!! i’m honestly nervous about posting this cuz a lot of you asked for it and i don’t wanna disappoint but i tried my absolute hardest to make it special <3 please enjoy
-
“thank you so much! we love you!” you shout to the audience, laughing breathlessly when they shout back. one of your dancers pulls you into a side hug, you throwing your arm around his neck. “we’re so fucking lucky you chose us, that you came all the way here. i’ve seen some of you back at night one. wow.” your voice gets wobbly, thinking about how loyal your fans are.
the tour started in new york, and they’ve followed you here to london.
tonight is an emotional night for everyone. you’re about to wrap your last show before you continue again in the summer. touring the u.k. has been a dream, and you’re just as thrilled to travel the rest of the world after your break. it’s bittersweet because you’re going to miss the hell out of your crew and the millions of lovely faces you’ve sang to each week. but, you do get to spend your time off with a special someone.
he’s watching you from the sound booth, sending fond smiles and loud cheers your way. thanks to you, tom has been at every show you’ve played in england. he brought harry along this time because he’s also a fan and wanted to see you. well, tom is more than a fan at this point. you’d say he’s more of a boyfriend. you haven’t discussed labels just yet.
your dates have mainly been over facetime, since you live on opposite sides of the world with insane schedules. a heartthrob actor and international popstar is quite the combination. you’ve only seen each other in person a couple of times, the first being pretty recently.
zendaya brought tom along to hang out with you in los angeles. he happened to be there recording some lines for a movie. she saw your concert earlier that night and invited him to crash the dinner plans you’d made, resulting in the best surprise and most fun you’ve ever had. the other time you enjoyed each other’s company was one weekend in paris. that was... something.
besides those two miracles, everything between you and tom happens through a screen. you’ll down bottles of champagne or keep warm under blankets while talking about your days. it’s nice, having someone on the other end who listens and actually hears you. tom gets it. you both do.
finishing your tour in london is convenient because not only will you have tom to comfort you, but you get to stick around for a while. he’s invited you to stay at his place. you can’t wait to meet the other holland’s, his friends, and obviously tessa.
“fuck, i’m gonna cry. i’m already crying,” you announce to the crowd, though they can tell from the tears streaming down your face. more dancers huddle around you and turn your single hug into a group one. you’re laughing and sobbing and holding on tight to everyone. fans bawl their own eyes out, the fact that this is it starting to settle in. the onstage crew even gets choked up, seeing you like this.
tom pouts from where he’s watching. he wishes he could run up there and squeeze you tight, but he’ll have to save that for when you’re done.
“i love you all so much, literally every single one of you in this room,” you tell everyone for the nth time tonight, swiping a perfectly manicured finger under your eyes. “my lighting crew, sound crew, my band, my fearless fucking dancers-“ a hiccup cuts you off. people burst into fits of giggles, which is a much needed tension breaker. you adjust your headset so the mic doesn’t pick up any other bodily noises.
grinning, you rest your arm on a shorter dancer’s shoulder, then go on. “sorry, sorry. i just wanna say, like, three more thank you’s before i get out of here.” there’s a chorus of no’s and encouraging whistles at the mention of you leaving. you blink back more tears to delay the breakdown you’re going to have. “thank you to my friends who always show up for me.”
with a knowing smile, you glance over at tom. “and, thank you to my more than a friend.” he smiles back, both hands held over his heart. harry elbows him in congratulations. more screaming erupts from the crowd as they realize where you’re looking and who you’re looking at. this will be sure to spark some headlines. whatever, you’re used to trending on every possible social media platform by now.
“this is the big one,” you preface, taking in a breath while everyone quiets down again. “thank you to you guys. for trusting me, for caring about what i have to say in any way. i feel your love. i really do, and i hope you feel mine.” your fans yell that they love you back, dancers gently swaying you side to side, emotions on high. there’s one last song, and it’s over.
“this has been the sensation tour, and i’ve been your host. was i good?” you try to lighten the mood, earning a bunch of what sound like positive shrieks. the earpiece you have in makes it hard to tell. “y’all were even better.” exchanging looks with your dancers, you pull out of the hug so you can get to your mark for the finale. they follow your lead. music comes through the speakers.
“i’ll see you again soon, okay? i promise. here’s sensation,” you introduce the song, immediately bursting into more tears. it’s torture to say goodbye. thankfully, you have the most incredible fans on earth, so they sing along with you at the top of their lungs. that includes tom and harry, your ultimate stans.
when the show is over, you run right off stage and over to tom. he’s waiting on the side with actual heart eyes for you. you practically leap into his arms, a hand cradling the back of his head, both his arms draped low and tight around your body.
“you were so amazing up there! absolutely smashed it, darling,” tom breathes out. his face is smushed between your neck and mostly bare chest. “thanks, tom. seriously, thanks for being here tonight and every other.” you smile a tired smile and wind your other arm around his neck. he presses some light you’re welcome kisses to your skin. “mm, thanks for having me. how’s it feel to be done?”
you sigh, fingers running through his curls. “like the biggest relief, and also really sad.” you’re such a mess that you could cry again on the spot. tom senses it and lifts his head up to see if you’re alright. “super depressing,” you surprisingly reiterate without the waterworks. “i know the feeling. you’ll be back soon, though. you said it,” he murmurs, a grin on his lips as they brush against the corner of yours.
you’re about to kiss him properly, then one of your dancers comes up to you. you’d forgotten that there are still stage managers and security everywhere, too. you get completely lost in tom whenever you’re together.
“you killed, babe,” coco greets you, linking your arm in hers. tom takes the hint and lets go of you. he watches on with a smirk. “nah, you murdered,” you send the compliment back and bite your lower lip. “i dunno, i feel like someone murdered me!” there’s coco with her dramatics. she’s genuinely hilarious, your shared sense of humor playing a huge part in your friendship.
she brings your free hand to her heart. you gasp at how fast it’s going. “that shit is really beating, coco. are you, like, okay?” “probably not. it was the freestyle that got me.” coco went a lot harder than usual tonight, since it was her last big dance break for a while. she puffs air from her cheeks and nods to tom. “this your man?”
“yeah, you could say that. i’m tom,” he answers, holding out a hand for her. “coco.” she pulls it like you would in a handshake. you beam at them, one of your best friends and unofficial boyfriend finally meeting. “sounds promising. i approve,” coco mutters to you. bumping your hip into hers playfully, you take one of tom’s hands in both of yours.
“aw, we have your blessing or something? your permission?” you coo and get a push at your shoulder from coco in return. tom chuckles, his thumb running over the back of your hand. “no! i was gonna say you should bring him out back,” coco clarifies, like it was obvious. you’re not sure what she’s on about. “uh, what’s out back?” you question. “an axe?” tom teases.
coco gestures to the nearest exit. “we’re having a little goodbye party in the parking lot. fire pit, snacks. remember?” nope, you’d completely forgotten. the idea first sounded like the perfect way to end your night, so you agreed to go. that was before you were dripping sweat and mentally exhausted. now, all you want to do is unwind with tom and tom only.
the superstar life is one you’re happy to lead, just not at this exact moment.
“i do now.” you muster up your most apologetic smile for coco, tugging on tom’s hand. “i’m sorry, co. i think we’re gonna pass.” her jaw drops. you’re never one to skip these things. “aw, for real? it’s our last night!” tom threads his fingers through yours while you talk. “bro, we’ve been together for almost a whole year,” you laugh out, nuzzling your cheek into tom’s chest. “get sick of me.”
“never,” coco deadpans. she catches you gazing up at tom, relaxing as his arms hug your middle. she’s known you long enough to tell what’s a fling and what’s real love for you. this is something special, and she can’t get in the way of it. she’ll let you navigate this yourself. “ok, just for tonight. you’ll text me?” coco gives you a real smile, raising an eyebrow at tom. he gathers that’s a good thing. he’s in.
“mhm. maybe we can hang out tomorrow,” you agree and let your eyes flutter shut. all that’s keeping you up are tom’s strong arms. “tell everyone i love them.” “i think they know.” coco shakes her head lightheartedly. tom laughs at her. “be good,” she tells him and means it, rubbing your back on her way to the lot. that leaves you and tom alone at last.
custodians are cleaning up the arena, fans are piling out, and you’re clinging to tom while his steady heartbeat grounds you. this is the only after party you need.
“harry’s got the car when you’re ready,” tom mumbles, tucking a piece of damp hair behind your ear. you loop your arms around his torso with a hum. “i was kinda wondering where he went.” “yeah?” he gives you a small smile. “gotta ask what he thought... of the show.” yawns are creeping past your lips, tonight’s events catching up to you.
“i like feedback from the fans, or stans,” you elaborate in your sleepy state. tom uses his fingertips to tap your temple. “what about me? i’m your biggest.” “i’ll, um, follow up with you later.” your words are slurring. “right now, home.” warmth spreads throughout tom’s entire body, his house becoming yours for a bit. “your chariot awaits,” he affirms before helping you to your dressing room.
after collecting your things, you follow tom out to the car. harry is in the driver’s seat, and you two slip into the back. he exchanges a look with his brother through the mirror while you settle on his shoulder. you’re hugging his bicep, his lips pressing to the side of your head.
“thank you for driving,” you speak softly to harry. he starts to pull out of the spot with a nod. “no problem. get to say i was y/n y/l/n’s chauffeur.” tom clicks his tongue even though harry is joking. you snicker at his remark, joking back. “you want the job? better be a five star ride, then.” your banter brings yet another smile to tom’s face. his family is everything to him, so seeing you get along so well means the most.
“right, right. did you have a good time?” harry wonders, twisting to see behind him while he turns around. he also peeks at you snuggled up to tom before facing forward. “great, actually. did you?” you check, the grin clear in your voice. harry goes into full stan mode. “no shit! you were brilliant, y/n. god, every note was just like how you did it the studio.” he’s raving, which is much appreciated by you.
“good answer.” tom shoots his brother a wink. “‘s that what you wanted to hear?” he asks in reference to your conversation earlier. your response is a kiss to his shoulder. “yay. i’m happy you liked it, harry.” he buzzes with excitement, having his favorite artist care what he thinks.
not much is said for the rest of the drive. tom and harry make some hushed conversation about golfing this weekend while you struggle to stay awake. they’re obsessed with that damn sport. it’s honestly nice to see, that tom has something he likes to do when he isn’t shooting hollywood’s biggest movies. your free time will finally give you the chance to discover other hobbies.
you stumble out of the car upon arriving to the boys’ place, a backpack on your shoulders and tom’s hand held tight in yours. you’ve got only a few essentials with you for tonight. the rest is on the tour bus, so you’ll gather it after your hangout with coco. besides, everything you need at the moment is right here.
“home sweet home,” tom announces as harry unlocks the front door. his words bring a tired smile to your face. “finally,” you exhale, keeping your fingers laced with tom’s and following the two of them inside. “i could show you around a bit, give you the grand tour. or-“ tom stops talking, feeling your weight on him. harry huffs at how oblivious his brother is.
“mate, she’s falling over. save it,” he suggests and kicks the door shut lazily. you’re done in. you’ve been having to lean on tom since the show ended. “another time, then,” tom mumbles, securing his arm around your waist. “there is one thing i wanna see.” your voice is low, body curled into tom’s side. he raises an eyebrow. “and that is?” “your room.”
tom takes that in a suggestive way, like he does most things. “we’re getting right to it, are we?” he questions, harry gagging and you nudging his arm with your head. “not like that, dummy. ‘cuz i’m sleepy.” there’s a beat of silence. “ask me again in-“ “wow, look at the time!” harry interrupts so he doesn’t have to hear the details. he’s sure he’ll witness enough after it happens. “off to bed i go! goodnight.”
he rushes to get to his room, yelling out, “great show, y/n!” on the way. “thank you! night!” you call back, tom letting out a sigh. “div of the century,” he says under his breath. “must run in the family,” you playfully retort. that gets you a firm poke at your side. “where’s everyone else?” you glance up at him. there should be two other idiots and a lovely, furry lady running around.
“tuwaine’s gone to the pub, harrison’s filming late, and tess is at mum and dad’s,” tom fills you in, grabbing your arm and draping it around his middle. doing him one better, you hug him with both. you squint in confusion about the last part. “they watch her when i’m out,” tom answers your unspoken question. “ah,” you nod, then deflate ever so slightly. “i wanted to meet her, though. the other boys, too.”
tom smooths the pad of his thumb over your cheek. “you will, darling. it’s only for tonight.” he kisses the same spot reassuringly. “we’ve got loads of time.” “yeah, we do,” you agree, instantly cheering up and letting your head fall onto his chest. “now, where’s your room?” “just upstairs. you need some help getting in?” he’s only playing around, but you accept, tightening your arms around his neck.
“show me the way,” you beam at him. “happy to.” tom wiggles his eyebrows, you jumping up. your legs wrap around his waist, his arms holding you against him. with a satisfied hum, you squish your face into his insanely soft shirt. “what a diva,” tom sarcastically complains while taking you to the staircase. “doesn’t even say please. no manners from this one.”
“you try dancing in six inch heels for two hours,” you shoot back, patting the side of his neck. he moves one hand down to your thigh for a better grip. you’re nearing the top of the stairs. “think i’ll leave that to you,” he decides and squeezes your thigh. “look at me, carrying the whole music industry.” your face easily gets hot and your words turn to murmurs. “shut up. you should listen to other songs.”
you’re on the second floor now, tom going for the first door. he frowns at his rejected compliment. “no, i like yours. they’re my favorite.” “really?” your muffled laugh sounds from his chest. “what was the first thing i ever said to you?” he asks, a toothy grin on him even though you can’t see it. you recall the faithful night he slid into your dms while he carries you into his room.
he’d tripped over his words somehow, the fangirling fool. before that, he tweeted to the whole world that he wanted to see you in concert. it was a huge thing, and people were freaking out about it, even more so when your online interactions became routine. that’s nothing compared to where you are now.
you’re currently living with him and basically dating. possibly, in love. the base of it all really is your music.
“that you love me.” you pause for the ellipses. the corners of your lips turn up. “but, you really meant to say my work.” “both apply.” tom passes that off like it’s a side comment, carefully laying you down on his bed. you look up at him with a curious glint in your eyes. “what does that mean?” his cheeks flush, and he bites back the smile that’s growing. this was supposed to go... differently.
you sit up, breathing out a laugh at tom’s boyish behavior. he’s precious, truly. “you do love me?” those three words will change everything if he says yes. he takes both your hands in his and holds them between you two. you meet his doe eyes. “yeah, y/n/n. i do.” so, you were right. “i love you... and, that wasn’t how i planned on saying it.” signaling for him to elaborate, you tilt your head to the side.
tom sits down next to and faces you before continuing. “it was supposed to be romantic, right?” he rolls his eyes up to the ceiling, annoyed he ruined this. “candlelit dinner, flowers, that sort of thing. seems more fitting for the occasion.” you shift closer to him until your knees are touching. your face is lit up, voice dropped to almost a whisper.
“since when do we do things the way we’re supposed to?” you point out and set your hands on his shoulders. “we’ve gone straight from online dating to me moving in. that’s usually not how it works.” tom chuckles lowly. his own hands find their place on your hips. you’re so good with words. then again, you are a singer. “guess you could say we’re, um, spontaneous,” he agrees, fingers drawing circles on you.
you and tom have explored some of each other’s most intimate places, yet you’ve never shared a moment quite like this. it’s like meeting him for the first time again. he’s too tongue tied to spit out what he wants. you somehow know, anyway. what you cherish most about your relationship is that you two completely and totally understand one another, on every level.
“tom?” you speak quietly, butterflies filling up your body. “hm?” he hums back. this is one of those moments where it all just clicks. “i love you. i really, really love you.” you giggle out of the pure happiness that consumes you, tom joining in your laughter. “i love you, too.” he sounds like he’s said it a million times and he’ll say it a million more. he leans over so his forehead rests on yours. “really, really love you.”
your warm breath hits his face, eyes darting from his own to his lips. “i want you to be more than...” you trail off, unsure of how to phrase it. “more than... more than a friend?” tom pokes fun at what you said during the show. there’s less and less space between you with every second. “you mean, like, a boyfriend?”
“exactly. be my boyfriend,” you all but demand. you’re half asleep and desperate to be able to call him yours already. “bossy, bossy, bossy,” tom chastises, swiping his thumb across your bottom lip. how he goes from being shy and giddy to the cockiest person alive in minutes, you’ll never know. “please?” you throw in to sway him. your hand locks with his, slowly moving it off your face.
you run your tongue over your teeth. “at least kiss me.” “you don’t have to ask,” tom breathes, lips now ghosting over yours. “i was going to.” true to his words, he closes the microscopic gap between you, you pushing forward against him as you kiss back. your first kiss in love. his lips taste like the chapstick he always uses, and he moves them softly.
he places a hand on your knee, you opening your mouth so he can have access to it. instead, a yawn exits. tom pulls back with a breathy laugh. “you must be exhausted, yeah? let’s get you to bed.” he pecks your lips once more. “my girl needs her beauty rest.” that confirms your relationship. you scrunch your nose and grin wide. “and, she’s gonna get some with her boy.”
you’re reminded of how sweaty you are when you catch a whiff. “oof, wait. do you think i can take a shower first?” you grimace, fanning at the air for emphasis. tom uses the tip of his nose to nudge yours. “absolutely. need help in there, too?” he’s not asking in that way, only so nothing happens. the hospital wouldn’t be the most pleasant place to spend your break. plus, he doesn’t want to be without you too long.
“you know what? yeah.”
that’s how you end up intertwined under the hot water, letting it cascade down your back as tom hugs you close to him. you sigh in content and tangle your fingers in his fluffed over curls. you’ve learned that he’s super into having his hair played with. it’s endearing, how he instinctively leans into your touch, eyes closing as you tug on the roots.
he drops his head down to kiss your shoulder, dragging his lips to your collarbone in a way that tickles. they land on one of your breasts next. there isn’t anything sexual about it, only loving. just in case he gets too excited because it’s not uncommon he does, you gently put a finger to his lips. tom takes the hint and lets up. you continue combing through his wet hair while you step out of the water.
“do you ever sing in the shower?” he questions, drawing your naked body in closer to his. “sometimes, yeah. i honestly feel like i sound better there,” you admit and slide your hand down to the nape of his neck. tom’s tongue darts out to lick his lips. “not true. you sound beautiful everywhere, and don’t fight me on this one.” he smirks in satisfaction, you groaning at your loss.
“i really enjoy hearing your voice when it blares through an arena, though,” tom keeps buttering you up. you shake your head and settle both arms around his neck. “man, i just love you so much.” “i love you, sweetheart,” he murmurs back, you switching places so he can give his hair a final rinse. you watch him and his glowing body, admiring the sight.
“what a sensation you are,” you say mostly to yourself, which doesn’t stop him from hearing. “i see what you did there.” he eyes you while you do the same to him. your arms still around his neck pull him back to you. “tommy? do you sing in the shower?” you meant to ask him before, then he started throwing all those compliments at you.
tom scoffs, walking you back so you’re against the wall. “i don’t sing anywhere.” “what?” you gasp and put a hand on his chest. “you’re lying, you have to be. wasn’t billy elliot a musical?” he narrows his eyes at you as he tries to gage where you’re going with this. “that i did a decade ago, and way before puberty. couldn’t sing a word without cracking after that.”
your mouth is left hanging open in shock and disappointment. you bet he has a nice voice, and he’s downplaying it. “y/n,” tom begins, cupping your jaw with his palm. “since we’re living together now, there’s a lot you’re going the learn about me. good things, weird things.” he shrugs casually. “this is one of the weird things.”
“only because you make it weird! come on, let me hear you,” you request and wrap a leg around his waist. you’re giving him a hopeful smile. “god, no. you’ll hate it,” he almost laughs, a hand on your thigh. “i’m literally a singer. how could i hate something i love?” you refute, batting your lashes at him. “especially when someone i love is doing it.” “i love you, too. but, i’m not.” he’s quick to shut you down.
“drop a bar!” you try to coax him, which he already has a comeback for. “you first.” “i can’t. my throat is all scratchy from earlier,” you lie. tom presses his lips into a line, feigning pity. “aw, you know what’ll make you feel better? tea. i’ll go get you some.” he turns to shut the water off, so you grab his shoulders. “no, the steam is working. you can stay.”
“love,” tom addresses you in a warning tone that you can’t take seriously. he can’t either, a giggle escaping him. “my voice is shit. ask anyone, and they’ll tell you.” “i won’t believe them,” you hum, pushing back curls sticking to his forehead. “sounds like you just have stage fright. we can work on that, though.” “how?” he tightens his arm around your middle.
“i’ll bring you on for my next show. we’ll do a little duet.” you’re joking, though that would definitely be interesting to see unfold. “uh, never. what happened to you being tired?” tom cleverly deflects and digs his fingers into your side. you look down in defeat. “i forgot about that.” “yeah, yeah. no, seriously. we should really get to sleep, y/n/n.” he’s back to his sweet, attentive self. “‘s been a long night.”
giving in with a nod, you capture his lips in yet another kiss. tom never gets tired of them, and neither do you. you break it after a few seconds, lips lingering on his as they detach. “carry me?” you ask again, not caring how whiny you sound. tom presses a quick kiss to your forehead. “oh, you’re adorable. of course.”
well, you’ve found something to keep you occupied until the next leg of tour. you’re going to discover the many layers your intriguingly unusual boyfriend has.
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missjaystone · 3 years
Text
“Don’t Wake Up”
Pairing(s): Steve Rogers x Reader | Bucky Barnes x Reader Summary: Work keeps you busy. That's why as long as Steve's gentle and doesn't wake you up, he's free to do what he wants while you sleep, but what he wants is his best friend to feel what he feels. Word Count: 1,800
Trigger Warning(s): Somnophilia, NonCon/DubCon, Drugging Please DO NOT ignore trigger warnings and read at your own discretion.
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Life was unpredictable, anybody who knew exactly how their life would go was either omnipotent or the most boring being alive. Early on you learned to roll with life's punches and that's how you were where you were right now. A top SHIELD agent trusted with a great deal of knowledge and an almost insane amount of clearance, working closing with the Avengers. You rose thru SHIELD's ranks fairly quickly, especially for someone of your age. You were mid-level when they unfroze Captain America. You were one of the people entrusted with the task of helping Steve warm up to this new 21st-century society, pun not intended.
Once the initial shock of being thrust into this world had worn off, you and Steve developed a comfortable and vital friendship. You two spoke multiple times a day and saw each other frequently. The two of you were together so often, people used to joke that if one of you was around, the other wasn't far behind and they usually weren't wrong. It was no secret nobody was surprised when Tony loudly made a scene when he saw you two sharing a New Year's kiss. Tony shouting "I knew they'd end up together! I fucking knew it!" to everyone on the Avengers team and a handful of SHIELD agents wasn't how you two intended on exposing your relationship, but life is unpredictable.
Things around you gradually became more complex but that wasn't a surprise, you just kept rolling with the punches. The battle of New York happened, Ultron happened, Hydra's infiltration of SHIELD happened, the team grew, the entire situation with the Sokovia Accords happened, the complexities already on your plates multiplied. Of course, you stuck with Steve thru everything, you never stopped having faith in him. There were a handful of times where you could've turned and stopped fighting but how could you abandon your Captain? You loved him. Over the years all the fights, all the curveballs, everything wore on you both and the two of you had to change with the times and adapt to your surroundings. You were both changing before each other. There were times where you didn't see each other for weeks at a time; Steve would get busy with his missions around the globe and you had a mountain of SHIELD files to deal with; drives that had to be decrypted and stored properly, reports that had to go to a dozen different people, agents to recruit and review, clips to scour with minute details.
Things got a little bumpy when Bucky came to stay at the tower; Steve trying to help his oldest friend get accustomed to everything and you helping any way you could. You couldn't bear the thought of telling Steve when you started to feel uncomfortable around the brunette. The lingering stares, the prolonged hugs, the borderline-peculiar conversations; you brushed it all off. This was a man who spent 70 years as a mind-controlled assassin, he had everything ripped from him and now he had to readjust to modern society. He had to learn how to form relationships again, he had to relearn everything so there were bound to be moments of discomfort as he navigated his way. In all of that, however, you missed the small frowns and brooding moments he had whenever you and Steve were being overly affectionate together. He'd never do anything about it though, you were Steve's. He'd had his fair share of ladies back in their time but you were Steve's girl, you made Steve happy and Bucky couldn't-wouldn't take that from him.
When your workload multiplied again, you weren't as available as you used to be and it wore on Steve a bit. He and his super-soldier stamina had gotten used to a certain level of intimacy that wasn't happening anymore. It came to a head one night when Steve was in the mood but you were too tired to even pretend. Your words were mumbled as you snuggled against your pillow but Steve heard them loud and clear "do whatever you need to get off, baby, just don't wake me up." He asked if you were sure and got a hum in response but that didn't entirely suffice. He gave your shoulders a small shake until you turned to look at him. You looked tired and were so close to kicking him out of bed "Stevie, do whatever you want just please let me sleep."
You two still had sex other times, they were more intimate and personal though. In a mildly humorous way, that seemed to boost your relationship some. You'd wake up the morning feeling surprisingly peaceful for a few minutes before your work to-do list came to mind and Steve found out he enjoyed the idea of doing something he wasn't supposed to. He'd made it into his own little game; how much could he do without waking you up?
Tonight, you had your nose buried in your computer screen and papers were strewn across the bed; you were already exhausted but you still had a number of things to finish. You were pulled out of your hype focused state when the bed dipped beside you. The blue-eyed man offered you a cup of water with a sweet smile "come on, I haven't seen you drink anything in over an hour." You thanked him with a quick peck before taking a long and much-needed drink, thanking him when you set the nearly-empty cup back down.
Time felt like it began to drag on slowly, heavy tiredness slowly enveloping you throughout the next hour. You didn't even realize you'd dozed off until Steve was gently laying you down, pulling the blankets over you. "Steve, I still have work to do," you forced yourself to mumble, everything just felt heavy. "You can't even keep your eyes open, finish it in the morning," he said softly. He hushed you when you tried to object "Captain's orders, doll." You couldn't argue with that. Literally, there wasn't an ounce of strength or a grain of energy to fuel a disagreement. You were out like a light in a manner of seconds.
The blond stayed snuggled up beside you, stroking your hair soothingly to lull you into a deep sleep. No more than ten minutes had passed before the door opened and closed without a sound. An unsure Bucky stood by the dresser with his hands in his pockets and spoke quietly "are you sure about this Steve?" He nodded "I'm positive, Buck. I wouldn't have suggested it if I wasn't sure about it. I see the way you look at her, you deserve happiness too y'know." Bucky started to question him but Steve stopped him "she'll love you as much as she does me, Buck, it'll take some time and subliminal messages but she will."
Bucky looked at your sleeping form in thought, you were a nice person; you were smart, helpful, genuine, charming, you made him feel normal. He'd never be normal but if having you made him feel that way, who was he to pass up the opportunity? He quickly shed his pajamas while Steve moved your bottoms down. They'd been planning this for what felt like ages and they knew there'd be no going back, but it gave them a chance at a future they got to actually choose.
A thick silence filled the room as Bucky moved slowly to hover above you, lining himself up at your entrance with a slightly-shaking hand. With one last confirmation look from Steve, he slowly eased himself into you. He bit his lip roughly to keep from groaning and wake you up. The crushed-up Valium in your water should've kept you from waking up at anything but he wasn't taking a chance and getting too caught up in the moment. He finally broke the silence with a mumbled groan after finally bottoming out. Bucky's eyes fell closed and he stilled to savor the feeling, almost cumming right then.
Very slowly, he started to pull his hips back before pushing back in just as slowly. He continued like this for what he thought was ages and when the only response from you was a mumble here or a moan there, he slowly picked up his pace. Steve was in heaven watching the scene unfold in front of him. There was a slight pang in his chest for betraying your trust and not only letting but encouraging his friend to use you but he had a plan, a plan he was confident in. He started off palming his throbbing erection over his sweatpants before eventually pulling them down and fisting his member. There were a few moments where both stilled in fear when you stirred before settling. Bucky finished first, his hips jerking briefly before they stilled, a satisfied groan leaving his lips as he moved some hair out of your face. Steve finished when he watched him slowly pull out and came with a muttered 'fuck'. Steve quickly grabbed a few tissues, handing some to Bucky to clean you up while he took care of himself. Once the evidence was removed, the men shared a tight hug. Bucky actually looked a little more like himself now, he looked the slightest bit happier and more at peace.
In your unconscious and drugged state, all that you really felt was a sort of tugging pressure but you couldn't open your eyes. You heard voices conversing quietly after the pressure was completely gone and you felt the bed move as somebody got up. Despite your best efforts to listen, you couldn't make out the words. It took all of your strength to open your eyes even slightly but you could've sworn you saw a brunette figure leaving the room. There was no time to process it before your eyes fell shut again and you were entirely asleep.
You still felt a bit groggy when you woke up in the morning but nothing seemed out of place. Steve was quick to appear with a couple of mugs of coffee, handing you yours before he took a seat. He planted a sweet kiss on your temple. When you didn't say anything after taking your mug, Steve looked you over "are you feeling okay, doll? Are you coming down with something?" He asked, some concern in his eyes as he placed the back of his hand to your forehead for a temperature check. You finally took his hand and kissed his palm, sending him a smile "I'm fine, baby, just a little groggy is all. Crazy dream is all." Steve smiled sweetly at you “wanna talk about it?" An image of Bucky on top of you flashed across your mind and you shook your head “I don’t even remember what it was about.” You kissed his cheek softly and smiled. After all, it was only a dream.
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crimeronan · 10 months
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How does the general population feel about Luz taking over as Empress?
GOD this is such a good question. had to sit on it for a few days to ponder. am STILL pondering honestly. and if i end up writing proper fic set after the transition everything i say here will likely be scrapped and/or retooled but
the first question is what luz's reputation is outside the castle BEFORE belos dies. inside the actual castle she has a reputation for eccentricity and being very weird and saying weird shit and being impossible to read due to her chaotic personality.
(she isn't even TRYING to be a Crazy Unpredictable Eccentric type. but it manages to work in her favor because no one fukkin knows what her Deal is)
she has spent very very very little time outside the palace though, and when she HAS been outside she hasn't interacted much one-on-one with the general population. so i think that it's likely that the belos propaganda machine has worked, i think he probably made an active effort to establish luz as The Chosen Human Here To Save The Realm According To The Titan's Will because.... he's an asshole enamored with colonialism and cultural genocide. and this is a great way to cement a human supremacist legacy in the isles or whatever, without ever outing HIMSELF as human
What An Asshole .
after belos's death there's about a week of extremely public succession-oriented events and whatnot that luz navigates as carefully as she can. she already KNOWS that she puts her foot in her mouth when talking to people, so i imagine she does a lot of Active Listening and notetaking when she's conversing with people. so that she can compare notes with hunter later and figure out who's an ally and who's a two-faced monster. she's already covering up a murder and all of this extra performance fucking EXHAUSTS her, but i think she's actually better at it than she expects.
like, she already knows that everything the coven heads and corporate business types say has a double or triple meaning, so she's good at keeping her cards close to her chest and not making them promises
and then when interacting with more common people she is like. WAY more engaged and active and questioning than belos had been in like fifty years combined. she's not even playing a role she's just THRILLED to get to talk to NORMAL PEOPLE for like the FIRST TIME EVER. EVERY CONVERSATION IS SO NEW AND EXCITING
so like. i think it probably varies by individual and there may be variations in different towns based on whether she's committed any major faux pas....
but my INSTINCT is that. all of the coven heads and other powerful people find her fucking terrifying because they're like. 92% sure she killed belos (she did in fact kill belos) & they can't figure out what kind of game she's playing. everything she does seems so whimsical and calculated at the same time, this girl is a social chameleon political genius, she's way more enigmatic than belos, also she will probably murder anyone who gets in her way. and then go back to smiling and chatting very friendly-like with all the survivors
(there are elements of truth here and there in all of this but.... the idea that luz is faking her weird chaotic personality or her friendliness is 100% false. she really is just that excitable and ADHD.)
MEANWHILE. the general population are of course mourning the emperor they had for 50 years, most of them are too young to remember pre-belos times so it's like. losing a universal constant. but luz already had this reputation as a ~*~*~divine chosen one~*~*~ and then she ACTUALLY SEEMS TO CARE SO MUCH AND BE SO NICE. WHAT. average boiling isles resident thinks that the new empress is awesome and if anything happens to her they'll kill everyone in this room and then themselves
as for how people react when luz starts openly implementing more anti-empire laws or undoing certain laws already on the books or forming alliances with prior fugitives/undesirables..... that's a thornier political tangle that i'd probably need to unspool in actual fic. there are too many different variables involved like the coven heads, general propaganda, outside threats, wild witches, the emperor's coven, the titan himself, the on-the-books laws, school curriculums, etc etc etc. figuring out exactly how luz interacts with these factions & exactly how she uses her power & exactly what ripple effects this causes would require a VERY detailed plot outline.
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silversatoru · 3 years
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Hello! I wanted to request for a chubby reader x Levi oneshot. I feel like there aren’t many stories that have chubby readers ): As for the storyline, I’m not sure if it falls in the angst or hurt/comfort category. It would be the reader feeling insecure about themselves because they have a harder time training than the others (them blaming it on their own weight) and seeing how everyone is much thinner than them, they start avoiding food. To not make it look suspicious, they’d go into the kitchen alone and put the food away along with the left overs. The reader would act normal with Levi and he doesn’t suspect anything at first. Later on, the reader would push themselves harder to the point where they’d train on their own whenever they had to chance so they can lose weight and improve their training. At this point, Levi starts noticing the reader looking paler than usual and the slight difference in their weight. One day during training, the reader ends up fainting from exhaustion and dehydration. They wake up on Levis’s bed with him looking over them. He asks what happened and the reader lies by saying they didn’t drink enough water. Levi calls it bs and ask if they think he’s stupid and goes on to tell them about how they noticed the reader sneaking off into the kitchen with a plate and coming out without it. He didn’t think anything of it at first, but he started putting the pieces together. They end up telling Levi the truth, the way they feel towards themself and how they don’t like the fact that they’re bigger than Levi. He comforts the reader and lets them know that they’re an idiot for thinking that way, etc. Thank you! I’m so sorry if it sounds so cheesy!
hello dear!! i dont think your idea was cheesy at all, i love it actually. these kind of issues live very close to my heart, so writing about them is always really fun for me. that being said,, this fic definitely got very dark and very real, and i would advise everyone to read the warnings before deciding to read this <33
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levi ackerman x gn!reader
synopsis: levi catches you skipping meals and does what he can to help
tags/warnings: eating disorder, skipping meals, hurt/comfort, but it does have a happy ending! 
word count: 2.2k 
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Throbbing headaches and hollow, gnawing pains in your stomach — they’ve quickly become your new normal. You see everything through a hazy fog these days, nothing feels real and everything hurts but it’s worth it — that’s what you keep saying to yourself. You’re tired of lacking the same agility, momentum, and grace that your thinner counterparts have. 
Your weight was always something that ate away at the back of your head, but joining the scout regiment multiplied it tenfold. You were constantly working twice as hard as your fellow scouts, and it seemed like it was never enough. Everyone around you was not only ridiculously athletic, but so fucking thin. You didn’t hate your comrades for their bodies and the way they were born, but you made up for it by inflicting all of the hate onto yourself.
You wonder if anyone notices your zombie eyes or the abnormal paleness to your face — god, you hope they don’t. The last thing you want to do is have to confront your feelings and admit what you’ve been doing lately. Every night you shamefully sneak back into the kitchen and pour your plate of food into the large pot of leftovers. You pick at food here and there when your friends are watching, but behind closed doors you haven’t eaten much of anything lately. Your body is running on empty, and it’s only a matter of time before it fully catches up to you. 
You hear your last name echo from across the training fields, slowly turning around to see an angry captain sulking towards you. His face was twisted into an unpleasant grimace, his eyebrows knitted together into what almost looked like concern. 
“I’m excusing you from the remainder of training, leave,” his words were flat, but there was a subtle emotional edge. 
“Sorry, what?” you gave him a confused look — Captain Levi never excused anyone from training, not unless they were practically on their deathbed. 
“Go home, and eat a big dinner tonight, your energy has been less than adequate lately,” his face softened slightly, “I expect you to be back to normal by tomorrow. Your skills and abilities are needed here, so go get some rest and be better tomorrow, yeah?”
“But, I-,” you stammered, trying to come up with some kind of valid excuse. 
“That’s an order, cadet”. 
His words surprised you, and before you could even rack your brain for an appropriate way to respond, he was turned on his heels and walking away. You swallowed thickly, your throat dry and stuffed full with anxiety. 
Reluctantly, you followed his orders and made your way back to the Scout’s base early. You grabbed a stack of fresh clothing from your room before heading to the showers and scrubbing yourself free of all the sweat and grime from training. You were careful to avoid mirrors when you navigated bathrooms, and tonight was no exception, your eyes glued to the tiled floor. After showering, you hesitantly walked to the kitchen, preparing a plate of food and bringing it back to your room.
That food stared you in the eyes for hours, taunting you and teasing you and making intense nausea creep up your spine.  Tears were stinging the backs of your eyes and your lungs were shaking with heavy, anxiety-filled breaths. You couldn't do it, and you were overwhelmed with shame and guilt. If you couldn’t do it for Levi, you were hopeless that you’d be able to do it for anyone, never mind for yourself. 
After making countless pitiful attempts to take a bite of your untouched meal, you decided it was going back into the leftover pot — just like everything else. The other scouts should have returned and been sleeping by now anyway, you’d just silently creep down the hallway, dump the food, and creep back, no harm no foul. 
Except for that a certain short, dark-haired captain was standing at the end of the hallway — you didn't notice him, but he certainly noticed you. A boiling anger rippled up inside him as he felt an overwhelming disappointment in your actions. He’d been suspecting this kind of behavior for a while now, but watching you tip-toe down the hall and into the kitchen with an uneaten plate of food confirmed all of his suspicions. 
You could barely crawl out of bed the next morning, your ribs aching and your head pounding with a dull pain. You grasped at your tall dresser, catching your balance as you dangerously swayed back and forth for a few seconds. After regaining consciousness and stability you carefully changed into your uniform, having to stop and take breaks every few seconds because you were running out of breath. Your body felt utterly devoid of any kind of energy, and you wondered — when was the last time I actually ate something? 
It was far enough back that you couldn’t quite remember, maybe a few days at this point, you really weren’t sure anymore. You’d have to suck it up for training though, because the last thing you wanted was to be confronted by the captain again. 
You chugged back a full glass of water before lacing up your boots and throwing on a convincing facade. People don’t seem to notice something is wrong as long as you're smiling, laughing, and going along with what they say — it’s easy enough to fly under the radar of your fellow scouts. 
Levi’s radar is a little sharper though, and he keeps a close eye on you from the second you walk up to the training grounds. He’s disappointed in your hand to hand combat — it’s sloppy, slow, predictable. Your hands look shaky too, and maybe it's the light playing tricks on him but it looks like the color is draining from your face. 
Things are feeling deplorable on your side — you can barely stand anymore, never mind throw punches or avoid the oncoming attacks. Your vision was starting to tunnel, foggy black surrounding your periphery as you began to lose feeling in your fingertips. You tried desperately to cling onto whatever semblance of consciousness you had left, but failed miserably, your body collapsing to the hard earth beneath you. 
The soft glow of warm candles illuminated the walls around you when you finally woke up from the earlier incident. This wasn’t your room, where the hell were you? You uncomfortably shifted to the side and flinched when you saw your captain sitting in a chair in front of you. His arms were crossed and one of his legs was propped on top of the other, an icey look in his eyes.
“What happened today?” His words were very short and his tone was flooded with irritation — he didn’t even give you a chance to take in your surroundings.
“Ah- I didn’t sleep well last night,” you lied, “And maybe I haven’t been drinking enough water or something”. 
“I’m offended that you think I would fall for such a pitiful lie,” He clicked his tongue off the roof of his mouth, “I saw you sneak into the kitchen last night, how long have you been doing that?” 
Your eyes grew wide with anxiety, your heart abruptly dropping to the floor — you made sure to go extra late last night, why the hell was he still up?
You stayed quiet for a moment, pondering over how honest you should be with Levi right now. The two of you had always been a little closer than he was with the other scouts, but unfortunately there was no room for things like love in this world. You also assumed that maybe he never reciprocated your feelings because of your weight — but that was just more toxic fuel to the fire blossoming in your head. 
“Pretty long,” you sighed, ultimately deciding to be fully honest with him, because knowing Levi, he’d continue to see right through your lies anyway. 
“I figured,” He grumbled, uncrossing his legs and leaning back into his chair, “Why?” 
“Everyone around me is thin, I stick out. And, I’m not as agile or flexible as the other scouts either. I just thought that maybe...,” you bit down hard on your bottom lip, rolling onto your back so you wouldn’t have to look at him, “I thought my weight bothered you too, and also that I’d be more useful to the scouts if I was skinnier”. 
“You think I’d like you better if you were dead?” Levi was leaning closer now, heat boiling in his eyes, “Because that’s where you’re headed right now. If you truly think you’ll be more helpful to the scouts when you’re six feet under, you’re delusional. And who the hell gave you the idea that your weight bothered me?”
His harsh words were cold slap in the face, your eyes burning and threatening to spill over with tears. You didn’t want to die, not really, you just didn’t want to hate yourself anymore. 
“No one! I don’t know, I just thought, maybe because I was bigger than you-,” You continued to stammer over your words, tears beginning to leak down your cheeks. 
“It doesn’t matter,” he waved you off, not wanting to push the issue further, “You’re wrong, and I’m hurt that you’d even think that. I’ve never once thought that you were anything other than the way you should be”.
“I’m sorry,” your voice was weak and shaky, but your heart was pounding against your chest at his words. 
“I’m not the person you should be apologizing to, that’s something you owe to yourself” he shook his head and stood up to retrieve two small bowls of food from a nearby table, “I brought you something to eat”.
You watched him intently, pondering over his words about apologizing to yourself.
“It’s only a bowl of soup, so you can start small, yeah?” He offered one of the bowls to you, which you hesitantly took into your hands as you sat up. 
He sat down again across from you again, leaning back and taking a sip of broth from his bowl. You were grateful that he was here, that he was eating with you — it made things a little easier. You grasped the spoon in your hands and scooped up some brothy vegetables before lifting them into your mouth. 
“Good, finish the bowl,” nodded at you, giving you a reassuring look and lifting his own bowl to his lips again. 
The two of you ate in silence until you were finished, and then he sat the bowls back on his nightstand before finding a seat next to you on his bed. 
“Stay here tonight,” he stared at you with his signature tired eyes, but there were hints of concern laced through them now, “We’ll have breakfast together in the morning”. 
“Okay,” you gave him a weak nod, trying desperately to bottle up your growing emotions, but they were becoming too much to bear. 
Small sobs began to rack through your body, your chest tightening and your stomach lurching with anxiety. You were experiencing so many feelings tonight — eating for the first time in days and being here with Levi, it was overwhelming to say the least. 
You could barely see the captain through your blurry vision, but you could feel his arms maneuver themselves around you and pull you against his chest. You stayed like that for a while, Levi’s arms delicately holding you in place while quiet sobs worked their way out of your lips. 
“You’ve dug yourself into a deep hole, I won’t lie to you,” you heard him let out a tired sigh, “And it’s gonna take time and effort for you to dig your way out, but you’ll get there. We’ll start by having breakfast and dinner together every night, how does that sound? Just you and me, no one else has to watch”. 
You nuzzled a tiny nod into his chest, your tears finally running dry. It was a terrifying thought, eating normal again, but you were starting to feel hopeful that you might actually be able to do it. 
And so the two of you met every morning and every evening for your scheduled meals, and day by day things began to get easier. You even found yourself staying over in Levi’s room after dinner and into the morning for breakfast sometimes. Spending so much time together was definitely pushing the two of you to address the feelings you’d been hiding for so long. 
But not everything was perfect, it would be irrational to think it would be. You still have bad nights, where eating is so hard you break down into tears, and where you want nothing more than to rid yourself of the food in your system. It’s a draining process, but Levi works hard to make sure you stay on track with your progress. 
It’s slow, but eventually your face starts to glow again, your skin gets smooth and soft, and the aching pains in your body start to fade. Your war with your body is far from over, but you’re doing what you can, and you’re healing yourself one day at a time.
thank u for reading this, and now i would like to give you a gentle reminder to do something nice for your body today. eating disorders and mental illnesses are huge mountains to climb over, but taking things one day at a time makes it a little easier. try and eat a meal today (even if it’s small), go to sleep early and get some rest, take a shower and rub lotion all over your legs so they feel nice against your blankets when you lay in bed. baby steps are better than no steps at all, so be patient with yourself. n go drink some water, ur body loves that shit
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