#it's too much effort i don't really have to expend on something with no guarantee of return

[idletransgenderfication]

me, a fool, submitting myself yet again to the mortifying ordeal of being known: maybe this time i'll receive the rewards of being loved :)

#spoilers: i won't #ughhh i'm still just. not getting much out of my interactions with others #i want to talk to people but i also don't want the pressure of having to hold a conversation #when it feels like no one is really that interested in talking to me #like idk i keep trying to reach out and put myself out there but it's incredibly difficult for me #and i never get the attention or validation i want in return so i just end up feeling worse #idk why i bother doing something so stressful when it never pays off #i've been going to this lgbt group for a while but i think i'm just gonna stop #i have too much to do and it's not a worthwhile use of my time #3 hours and a missed dinner on a weekday night are a lot to spend on an outing that usually just makes me feel worse #like sorry but i just don't have the resources to keep wasting on the chance i might actually get something out of it this time #i try to be optimistic but at this point holding out hope here is just hurting me #there's frankly far better uses of my time #i don't care if it's isolating myself anymore all my attempts to connect with others miss the mark anyway #people will either put effort into reaching out to me themselves or they won't i'm done trying to do it myself #it's too much effort i don't really have to expend on something with no guarantee of return #i have to be more pragmatic about things or i'll just run out of steam #bee babbles #vent