#it's too much for my little gay mind to comprehend sometimes | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

justasimplesinner · 3 years

Note

Hey, I’ve just spent my day admiring your blog... and seeing as requests are open I was wondering what you thought about the dork squad having a much younger, super caring fem s/o. Would it change anything in how they act with them publicly, intimately? Idk it’s vague so please go wild! I’m so down for anything you write!

i'm gonna make this more gender neutral so everyone can enjoy darl, hope you dont mind! gays and theys deserve to read some fanfiction too!

and yet again, gonna need to skip jervis

Jonathan with a very caring s/o hcs:

he is... not used to being taken care of. hell, he's not even used to taking care of himself. and quite honestly, you're the best fucking thing that ever happened to him. not that he'd ever admit it tho smh

you're just always so... gentle. and you pay so much attention to him and his needs. you never push. you always know when, where and how to soothe him. you always bring him food and coffee and insist on making him drink water. you massage his shoulders whenever he's been working for too long. it feels... weird. surreal. he will probably never get used to it

sometimes, he gets really flustered by you. here you are, a little ray of fucking sunshine, making sure he has a scarf and a warm hat on him, fixing it all for him, styling, patting his cheek like you were his parent. you have to fucking stand on your toes to even reach his neck properly, and yet he feels so small with you. and the amount of respect he harbors for you is immeasurable

Jon has never felt the need to ever explain himself to someone, never felt shame at getting caught redhanded in doing something illegal or whatever the fuck, but all it takes is a single look from you and he's spilling the beans, even looking bashful while doing it. you just have that effect on him

he is not going to lie, he does get self-conscious because of the age gap. he's an old cynic, you're young and so full of love, and not only does your relationship sometimes look like the parent-child dynamic in the most unexpected ways (i mean cmon, the rogues were shocked to see how you've tamed him), but sometimes it's just... hard to keep up. and it gets annoying, always being stared at - for a very different reason this time - whenever he walks hand in hand with you, and the whispers really get to him sometimes. even he can't comprehend what the hell are you doing with an old fuck like him

honestly? the first few times it happened, he had ceased showing you any and all affection in public completely. he didn't hold your arm/hand/waist, he walked a small distance away from you, he used the same cold tone he used for everyone else. it wasn't just because he himself was embarassed (and he hasn't given a shit for public opinion in years), but he was afraid that the whispers might get to you. maybe even... make you realize how you're wasting your life with him. he will need some reassurance from you to even consider showing your relationship to the public. he doesn't give a shit that people are going to point fingers at him, he gives a shit that they will do so at you and he'd hate it if you started developing some insecurities because of that or started considering... leaving him. he knows you probably should but he... so doesn't fucking want you to. it might be selfish, but he so doesn't want to fucking let you go. ever.

Edward with a very caring s/o hcs:

this man is just one big fucking baby, you two will get along very well. you complete each other. ying yang and shit. and he honestly needs you in his life. he needs someone to take care of him, he needs someone to love him like you do. it might not seem so at first glance, but he is practically unable to do that himself. he will never take care of himself like you care for him, he will never love himself like you love him

when you just came into his life and started cooking him decent meals, spoiling him with affection, listening to him, just overall taking care of him, he felt the need to cling to you like his life depended on it. you had him hooked immediately

but there's also this little thing...s. like... parental issues... trust issues... y'know, the usual. it's just... you felt so much like a parent sometimes, and he's used to parents aka the people that were supposed to love him abusing their power over him and belittling him. so, accepting the fact that he loved you and you might love him was a very long and tiring process. and then one time you just hugged him to you after supplying him with the best soup he's ever fucking had, he just curled into a ball in your arms, telling you that he loved you and... asking you not to hate him because of that. it was the most fucking heartbreaking thing because it actually felt like holding a hurt, abused and neglected child in your arms

has called you 'Mom' on more than one occassion, regardless of your gender (he'd never call you Dad. it feels like an insult to him) and got very embarassed because of it. honestly, he often gets hella embarassed whenever you do something for him, like fix his collar or pat his cheek. but every time he sees you like, folding his clothes maybe, just doing normal, domestic things and taking care of him, he's got this dopey smile on his red face as he all but stares at you with love-filled eyes

it does feel... weird sometimes. he feels kind of... creepy. you're younger than him, and yet you're the mother-hen, you're the mature one (though he won't admit that, ever) and it almost makes him feel incompetent. because he literally needs you to take care of him since he so often can't even do that himself. he doesn't blame you at all, of course. at first he did, and he threw a huge tantrum over it, many insults were directed at you but your god-like patience made you just suffer through it, comfort him and have a serious talk about the whole thing

and don't even get me started on the stares/whispers directed at you two in public. they really fucking get to him and they make him feel so self-conscious, and are making him doubt your whole relationship. but most of all, he's fucking terrified you will leave him because of that. because of what the people are saying. because he's older and has problems with keeping up sometimes. but every last one of his doubts is swept away whenever you just slide your hand into his or hug him around the waist. fuck it, you kiss him in public, you hug him in public, you call him 'darling' in public - you're not ashamed of your love for him at all, so why would he doubt you? he still does tho, he's so just fucking insecure this man

#riddler #edward nigma #edward nygma #the riddler #jonathan crane #scarecrow #the scarecrow #my writing #headcannons #angst #fluff #the overneath

93 notes · View notes

ellohcee · 3 years

Text

Call Me

Okay so I want to throw this little bit out into the universe of one of my favorite instances of Jasper I've written. Context: He's a host for a dinky late night radio show and he has like... 10-15 listeners max and David is one of them, a college student who Can’t Sleep even between classes and his job, so he’s up late late listening to Jasper’s show. He calls in sometimes because Jasper is always offering advice and encouraging people to call in and chat, specifically about LGBTQ topics and David finds comfort and encouragement in their chats. They’ve been talking for a while but he still goes by the name Red.

- - - -

“Alright you night owls, this next one goes out to my long lost buddy, Red.”

David looked up at the radio in surprise, his pencil stilling on the page.

“It’s been a while since we’ve heard from ya and we miss you dude. And I’m gonna get hella gay up in here, but that’s on brand for me, I miss you.”

David’s breath caught in his throat painfully, his heart hammering.

“So I hope you catch this, give us a call, let me know how you’re doing buddy I’m dyin’ here, don’t leave me hanging. Cause I’ve got a question for you and you wont know what until you gimme a ring. Yes I’m gonna be that guy. So call. Please.”

The music picked back up, and true to Jasper’s word, Blondie’s Call Me started playing.

The pencil had slipped from his fingers without realizing as David tried to decipher all of that, especially that last, sincere please. Jasper missed his calls? Maybe he was just worried because David had dropped off so suddenly. It had just been too nerve wracking once he realized he was crushing on the radio host. But what could Jasper possibly want to ask him? Was it good or bad?

He was still nervous and the idea of calling in downright terrified him now, but… he at least owed it to Jasper to let him know he was alive. It must have looked bad, for him to be consistently calling about once a week and then suddenly stop with no warning, going on nearly two months of silence now. Jasper was always so nice and seemingly happy to talk to him, he must be worried. Gosh, now he had to call, he felt terrible.

David had to take several steadying breaths and about twenty good minutes to work up the nerve, but he managed to eventually press call, hands shaking as he listened to the phone ring.

“What’s up caller you’re live, how’s it hangin?”

“Um, hi...” he said quietly.

He heard a soft intake of air and a shuffle. “That you Red?” Jasper asked, sounding hopeful, the excited smile evident in his voice.

“Y-yes, it’s me,” David replied.

“Aw, buddy, good to hear your voice again man, I was gettin’ worried bout you.”

“I’m so sorry I- just- life, you know?” David hedged, feeling even more guilty because he couldn’t give an honest explanation.

“I feel that, it’s cool dude, it’s just good to hear from ya. I assume you heard my call out?”

David’s heart started beating faster, so, so antsy. If it weren’t for the guilt of worrying Jasper he probably wouldn’t have had the guts to call, but he could still be a wreck about it, easily. “Yes, I did. You... had a question?”

“Yeah! You don’t mind me askin’ live?”

“Um, sure, that’s fine,” David said nervously. It couldn’t be too bad if it was something Jasper could ask on air. Right?

“Sweet. So. Last we talked your rough waves from the coming out thing were settling. You found a boyfriend yet?” the radio host asked casually.

David eyebrows shot up in surprise, his face going so very red and he was so very grateful this was a phone call, not in person because that would make it ten times worse. “Um- n-no, I- I haven’t… um, no,” he stammered uselessly. Why was this the topic??

“Awesome!” Jasper said in delight, leading to an awkward pause. “Wow fuck that sounded hella mean I am so sorry, I didn’t mean it like that. Cheese and crackers, foot in mouth Jasp, good one. Anyway! I just meant because- like, stop me if this is too weird, or hang up on me, but I was wondering if I could like… take ya on a date?”

David’s heart stopped in surprise, the blush that had just started receding coming back full force. His stomach whirled in a mix of dread and excitement, trying to go one way or the other as his brain stalled for a good long moment-

“Red?”

David sucked in a breath. “Is- are you- are you serious?” he asked softly, trying to keep his voice from shaking.

“Course dude!! I wouldn’t fuck around with you like that, hell no! I’m for super serious!”

“But… we’ve- you- you don’t even know what I look like,” David stammered, trying to find reason to turn him down, but so, so desperately wanting to say yes. He felt stupid for saying it the second it left his mouth, Jasper didn’t seem at all the type to place a lot of importance on appearances.

“I don’t need to! I’m sure you’re rad as hell, but I’m not a looks guy, okay? I like your personality, and I love shootin the shit with you, and you’re super nice. That’s the kinda stuff I’m into, and if you’re hella cute, which I’m sure you are, that’s a bonus!”

David stared down at his desk for a long moment, his thoughts a mess, one hand over his mouth as he took this all in. He had to take a moment to pinch the soft skin on the inside of his arm to decide that this was really happening and he hadn’t passed out at his desk into some dream where his crush happened to reciprocate-

“Reeeddd?” Jasper teased softly after another long pause, bringing him out of his panic spiral. “No pressure my dude, you can say no.”

“Yes,” David blurted shakily.

“Yeah??” Jasper asked, his voice picking up in obvious excitement and relief, despite his apparent brace for a rejection. “For real?”

“Y-yes, I’d… I’d like to,” David said softly, his face still red.

“Aw man, awesome, shit. Okay uh- no PI on air so uh- I go off air at 3, you’re usually up pretty late, yeah? Think you’ll be around?”

“Yes, I should be.”

“Supes, call back when you hear me sign off and we’ll hash stuff out, okay? Or at least do personal numbers to talk during the day.”

“O-okay,” David stammered, his mind whirling. “I’ll do that.”

“Sweet. Okay man, you sound a little wigged out so I’ll let you get back, and I will be counting the minutes til sign off,” Jasper teased.

“Okay, um, talk to you later? Bye.”

“Ta-ta for now!” Jasper sung.

David disconnected the call, his pulse still racing as he listened to Jasper on the radio once more, turning the volume back up just in time to hear.

“Oh my god, wack, holy shit you guys he said yes- fuck he’s probably listening and I sound like a giant goober- hi Red! Okay, anymore callers before we go back to music? Holy shitballs.”

A quick, incredulous laugh escaped his mouth before David could stifle it, his chest swirling with fear and elation. Jasper- Jasper had asked him on a date- and he sounded just as rattled as David felt. That helped a little to know it wasn’t just him- Jasper had just been loads better keeping a cap on his nerves while they were talking.

“You’re up caller!”

David came back from his thoughts when he heard a familiar voice, one of Jasper’s other regular callers.

“Oooooh Jasper asked a boy on a daaatteee~” she teased in delight.

“I know oh my god dude I’m still weak from it, I didn’t wanna mess up with Red but I like… really want to meet him and take him out, especially once he stopped calling? And no offense Red if you’re still there it’s TOTALLY cool cause that woke my ass up! Holy shit I still can’t believe he said yes.”

David listened all throughout the rest of Jasper’s show, all thoughts of homework lost as he leaned his elbows on the desk, hands clasped in front of his mouth. Anticipation made his nerves spike again while sitting through Jasper’s familiar sign off, where he bid goodnight to his listeners and started the after hours playlist. David waited a minute before taking a deep, deep breath and pressing the call button.

It rang only once before the line picked up, and a hopeful voice answered. “Red?”

“H-hi Jasper,” he replied.

“Hey dude! Hey, sorry to put you on the spot like that but- y’know, I figured it would be less creepy to everyone to just be upfront and ask you, instead of being like ‘hey call me after hours hoohoo wink wink,’ ya dig?”

David stifled a giggle, smiling. “I understand. It probably would’ve made me more nervous to have to wait that long, wondering what your question was,” he admitted.

“That too! I wanted to just… put it out there, figured it’d be best. So! You’re really cool with going on a date?”

“Yes, I… I’d like that. To meet you,” he added softly, flushed.

“Rad, okay, nice. So let’s just exchange numbers for tonight? I know you might not sleep anyway but it’s friggen late and I don’t want to keep either of us up too long.”

“That sounds good, I don’t want to keep you up either,” David replied. He gave his number first when Jasper gave the go-ahead, listening to the other man hum as he typed it into his phone, and a few moments later David heard a buzz near his ear.

“I just shot you a text so you have my number and can add me.”

“Got it,” David replied, pulling the phone away briefly to see a text notification at the top of the screen, a short string of peace sign emojis that made him smile.

“Awesome sauce. Well- shit, I’m really excited but again, we can talk later. Try to get some sleep, okay dude?” he asked, sounding genuinely concerned and losing his usual casual tone. “I worry bout you.”

David smiled, touched by the thought. “I’ll try.”

“Okay, I’ll text you sometime tomorrow- today, whatever, much later. Give you a chance to snooze. Night Red, and thanks for- you know. Thanks. Night!”

“Goodnight Jasper, and thank you too,” he replied softly.

“No prob, catch ya later.”

David pulled the phone away and ended the call, his heart still hammering as he tried to comprehend everything. But he decided to pack it away for later, turning off the radio and closing the long abandoned textbook. Hopefully he could get a few hours of sleep and be a tiny bit more composed when he next spoke with Jasper.

Doubtful, but it was a nice thought.

#camp camp #cc david #cc jasper #jaspvid #ellowrites #but for real this is like #the most best i've ever been able to channel my vision of jasper?#when they meet for their date he's wearing that stupid bowling alley carpet shirt and i just #god it's so jasper #also a great example of me abusing the dash symbol #but it's my staple #also mentioning way too often about the state of david's heart but he's a sleep deprived nervous wreck SO

42 notes · View notes

chris-evans-indian-fanfic · 4 years

Text

Love

One-Shot

Description: Asexual!Bucky thinks he is broken beyond repair, until you show him that he has been complete all this while.

Warnings: Angst, bad language, mention of sex toys, romance and fluff

@jtargaryen18 organised a writing challenge for reaching 4k followers and of course I have to participate multiple times! 😍 I am sorry this entry is a little late 🙈

My Main Masterlist

A/N: This is the first time I am writing an asexual character. Whatever I have written is based upon my knowledge that I have gathered by reading various articles and posts on asexuality. The reason I am writing this is because I want to have an equal amount of straight and LGBTQ+ stories in my masterlist, so that there's something for everyone to enjoy. Hence, if you are an asexual person or know someone who is, and you realise that anything in my story is incorrectly represented, then please let me know. I will immediately correct it, issue an apology and accept my mistake publicly.

I don’t consent to have any of my work published or featured on any third party app, website or translated. If you are seeing this fanfiction anywhere but Tumblr and AO3, it has been reposted without my permission. In that case, please do share the link and let me know.

…

"I cannot fucking believe this!" Karen shouted, "What are you like gay or something?"

Bucky winced at her venomous words. "You need to leave," he said in a quiet, respectful tone.

"Like hell I am going to leave. I want answers!" she placed her hands on her hips and stomped her foot. "What is it? Am I not sexy enough for you? Are you not attracted by this?!" she gestured towards the skimpy lingerie currently hugging her body.

Bucky met her eyes as he responded, "I do not want to have sex with you."

She huffed, clearly not convinced, "Why not? We have been going out for what, 3 months now? And you still don't want to have sex with me? What is the issue here? Is it-" she paused suddenly, her eyes traveling down his torso to his crotch, "You can't get it up can you?" she sneered.

Bucky shook his head, too exhausted to deal with her, "Karen, it's nothing like that. I just do not want to get physical with you. That's all."

"Oh! Ooooohh!" she bent backwards a bit, "So it was fine to hug me, cuddle with me and hold my hands. But when it comes to sex, you suddenly become a pious celibate saint! What the fuck Bucky?"

Bucky sighed, and handed Karen back her coat, "We are done. Please leave."

She laughed dryly, "Oh abso-fucking-lutely we are done. You know what I think?" she asked while wearing the coat, "I think that you are too old grandpa and that your tiny ass tortured gay dick cannot salute on its own. Because no man in his right mind would deny this," she again pointed to herself. "Super-soldier my ass," she muttered as she left.

The door to his apartment closed with a loud bang, leaving an echo in its wake. Bucky stood still, rooted to his spot. If it were not for the silent tears rolling down his cheeks, anybody could have mistaken him for a statue.

Slowly, he sat on the floor, his gentle sobs rocking his body as he hugged his knees.

Decades of torture by the hands of Hydra had left him crippled, physically, mentally and emotionally. When he had been saved by Steve, he had started to piece his life back together, bit by bit. Things such as books, movies, music became tiny jigsaw pieces that slowly filled the void in his life.

After the final galactic battle with Thanos, Bucky had been officially initiated to the Avengers team, or rather what was left of it. The team soon became an extended family, a family that Bucky was still getting used to. It was especially irksome when Sam and Scott decided to set him up on a date with Karen from Research & Development (R&D), despite his protests.

It wasn't that Bucky didn't desire a relationship. He wanted to be close to someone, experience romance, feel their heartbeat in a close embrace and place light kisses on their forehead.

But he didn't want to have sex.

At first, he thought he might not have met the right woman. So he searched for porn online, which did little to sway his feelings. He put the issue on a backburner, the safety of the people and the urgency of his missions steering the wheel of his life for a while.

But when Sam and Scott proudly announced their grand plans for Bucky's date, he remembered his "issue" again. He looked at Karen closely whenever they went on dates together. She looked perfect. Beautiful hair, soft glowing skin, curves in all the right places, all packed in a graceful, slender body.

Bucky liked being close to her, but he was still not getting aroused. Hence, he stopped her advancements everytime she tried to get physical. Karen tolerated it for a while, before her patience wore out tonight.

As the sun rose in the sky, Bucky was still seated on the floor, his cheeks now stained with tears that had stopped sometime in the night, though a sniff escaped from him every few minutes. He looked at the sunlight pouring in from the window, broken by the window-panes, landing at his feet in two rays with a comforting warmth. It was in that moment that Bucky realised, Hydra had truly broken him.

🏳️‍🌈

"We have various types of dildos available. There's The Classic, Textured, Long and Thin, Short and Thick, Vibrators, Transparent Plexiglass Dildos, Strap-Ons, G-Spot Dildos, Double-Ended, Squirting Dildos and ones that also come with a suction grip. Are you looking for yourself or are you looking for something to enjoy with your partner?" the helpful saleswoman asked you.

You stroked your chin in thought, "It's only for me. I already have a vibrator that I bought about a year back. The G-Spot ones have never really worked for me. I am looking to try something new. What is the suction grip one?"

The attendant handed you the dildo and showed you the suction grip at the end of it, "You can use this to place and stick it on any flat surface you want, whether it's the floor or the wall or the side of your desk. It guarantees a completely hands-free pleasurable experience."

You stuck it on the wall besides the showcase to test the theory. It worked. "Neat! I will take this one," you smiled as the attendant went to fetch a fresh piece.

You paid for your new sex toy and walked back to the Avengers compound with your small white shopping bag in tow.

When you reached your desk, you heard Karen bitching as usual about something to Jessica. At first, you blocked them out like you did almost everyday, but then a name in their conversation caught your attention.

"He's the Winter Soldier alright. He's completely frozen down there," Karen whispered loudly with disgust.

"Even that red sexy lingerie didn't do anything for him?" Jessica gasped dramatically.

"No!"

"That's crazy! That hot-red piece will convert even the most gayest of the guys! And it didn't do anything for him? Wow," Jessica responded.

Karen added, "You know something? I have always thought he was extremely weird. Like, dude, I know you were tortured by Hydra or whatever, but get over it man! It's been years since he was free. He should enjoy life and stop being such a wimp. I am 100% sure he is impotent."

"You know I was digging into him the other night," Jessica said in a hushed whisper, "and I saw a message board online which suggested that his penis has been completely cut by Hydra. This person knows all such secrets about these alleged superheros. You should follow him."

"What is his username?"

"Proud-Flat-Earther-MotherFuckers. Wait, I will send you the link," Jessica offered.

Having heard enough of their nonsense, you made your way towards the HR department. Maybe both Karen and Jessica had forgotten, but talking about the personal lives of Avengers was strictly against the rules and was considered as reason enough to fire employees.

You filed a complaint with the HR and within a few hours, both the women were fired on the spot. You savored the moment with relish, as their faces turned aghast at the realisation that their actions had consequences. You went up to them, watching the pair clean their desks, with unabashed glee.

"You know something Karen?" you asked her, "Just because a man refuses to have sex, it didn't mean that he's a wimp, or gay or an impotent. But if you do choose to think of him that way, then it surely makes you a sexiest and a homophobic person."

Karen looked at you furiously, "You bitch! I lost my job because you went and blabbed in front of the HR!"

You chuckled at her outburst, "Oh my dearest Karen. Yes I did go and rat you out to the HR. But that's not what got the two of you fired."

"Then what did?" Jessica asked as she joined the conversation.

You folded your hands for effect, "Your hateful comments and toxic views cost you your jobs. People like you think that just by using the latest iPhone or following the latest trends, you are a modern, 21st century person. But in reality, it is your open mindset which makes you a member of the modern society. If you would open your mind just as much as you open your legs, trust me, the two of you will be much better off."

You turned to leave, but stopped yourself, "Just a suggestion. Stop using words like gay and impotent as insults. It will help you retain your next job for a longer time." You winked at their speechless faces, and happily returned to your desk.

Your job in R&D was taxing and so, you always found yourself working late. Today was no exception either. As you left your office at around 8pm, you saw Bucky heading towards the elevator which led to his apartment. You always had a soft spot for the brunette super-soldier. For starters, you couldn't even begin to comprehend the tortures he must have endured in his past. And the fact that he was trying to piece his life back together again? It was truly commendable.

He always kept to himself, his eyes downcast and his body language unsure. And after what you had heard today, you felt even more sorry for the guy. Turning towards the cafeteria, you picked up a box of vanilla-strawberry French macarons for him, thanking the heavens above for the free food available at the Avengers compound. You held the white bag with macarons in your left hand, being mindful of not confusing it with the similar white bag in your right which contained your new sex toy.

A few moments later, you found yourself in front of his apartment. You had visited him twice before to adjust his vibranium arm or to sort out a few tweaks, but never before had you visited him so late in the evening.

You knocked, feeling a little hesitant as you did so. He was surprised to find you standing on the opposite of the door, however, he still greeted you courteously nonetheless.

Before you could state your reason for the visit, he said sincerely, "I heard what you did today. Thank you. I really appreciated it."

Now it was your turn to be surprised, "Oh. Ummm. It's okay really Mr Barnes. It was nothing. You don't need to-"

"No. It wasn't just nothing. You could have turned a deaf ear and ignored them. Yet you chose to stand-up for me. Thank you," a small smile laced his face and you melted on the spot.

You had a crush on Bucky. A BIG one. Could anyone blame you? This guy was a hot, sexy mess of an ice-cream sundae that left you hungry for more even on the coldest nights of the year.

You realised you were staring into his steel-blue eyes like a creep, and immediately cleared your throat. "What-what they did was wrong. Karen had no right to demean you for your desires or lack of them. I-," you sighed, "I am sorry for what she said. It was disrespectful and hurtful. So I brought you something that I hope will cheer you up."

You awkwardly raised your right hand, "I got you some vanilla-strawberry macarons from the cafeteria."

Bucky did cheer up a bit at the mention of his favourite food. He eagerly took the bag with a huge smile, "Thank you," he said once again as you shook your head. "Thank you for everything you do to keep us safe Mr Barnes. I must be on my way now. Goodnight," and with that you left, grinning like an idiot.

🏳️‍🌈

You took a bath, ate your dinner and slipped into comfortable pyjamas. Excited to try your new sex toy tonight, you unpacked the bag expecting to see the nondescript box of the dildo. Instead, 5 delicious macarons stared back at you with innocence.

You stumbled backwards in shock, the impact of your action settling like a dull, heavy weight in your stomach. "Oh no no no no," you whispered, horrified.

You immediately rushed to your window and pulled aside the curtain to look at Bucky's building, as if expecting to see him staring daggers at you. One of the privileges of working with the Avengers? You got to stay in a nice apartment within the compound itself. Your residential complex was a little further away from the main building, covered easily by 15 minutes of walking.

Feeling hyper, you frantically searched for a coat and almost ran out of your house. You rushed back in to keep the box in the bag and again, dashed towards the elevator.

Hoping that Bucky would have yet to open the box, you sent a silent prayer to all the gods and goddesses in the skies above, even Thor. Meh, you never know when an ex-Avenger could be of help.

You sprinted towards the other building, a multitude of thoughts clouding your mind- What if he was offended by it? Would he file a complaint against me? It would be sorta ironic if I was fired for this! Shit he would think my apology was false and I am probably mocking him.

You reached his apartment, a panting, huffing mess of a person. You knocked frantically, his door shaking with force at your desperation. However, you jumped as Bucky whispered your name from behind you, "Are you okay? What's going on?" he asked with concern as you turned around to face him.

"Did-did you op-open the bo-ox?" you questioned him while panting like a dog.

He furrowed his brows in response, "No I was planning to open it in a few minutes. Please tell me what's going on. Why do you look so scared?"

You bent over double, your stomach cramping thanks to your impromptu running, "Thi-this is your bag," you held up the package, "That ba-bag is mine."

"Okay," Bucky said slowly, still unsure of your behaviour, "Should I open the door to retrieve your bag?"

You nodded as he stepped aside, "Why are you not wearing any shoes?"

You looked down at your feet at his query, small blades of grass had stuck to your naked feet along with dirt. "I was in a hur-hurry to get to you," you managed to say between your breaths.

Bucky just nodded in response. It was then that you noticed the pack of paper tissues in his hand. He opened the door and stepped inside, beckoning you to follow him. He pointed to the white bag kept on the table while he looked at it with worry. "Will it explode?" he solicited.

"Uhh no," you replied awkwardly.

"Is it dangerous?" curiosity etched on Bucky's face as you swapped the bags.

"No, it's nothing like that," you looked down at your feet, feeling the heat rush to your cheeks with embarrassment.

He narrowed his eyes, "Then what is it?"

"I can't tell you," you quietly admitted, "but here are your macarons. I am really sorry for this. Didn't mean to disturb you from whatever you had planned," you pointed to the box of tissues still in his hand.

Bucky noticed the underlying question in your statement, "I was about to watch a movie. So needed these to clear the mess."

Your eyes went wide at his sincerity. While you had a crush on him, you definitely did not want to know about Bucky's late night masturbation adventures. Shaking your head, you raised your hands and started walking backwards, "I am sorry I disturbed your nightly… activities. I get out of your hair."

"Actually, would you like to join me for the movie?" Bucky asked hopefully, "We have the macarons and you seem like you need to calm your nerves."

You were surprised for the third time that day. Did Bucky just ask you to masturbate with him? Or have sex while eating the macarons? Or did he want to eat them after you guys have had sex? A flurry of questions swirled in your mind as you stared at him with a slightly open mouth.

Bucky interpreted your gaze and stumbled to clarify himself, "As friends! Would you like to watch a movie with me as a friend?"

You slowly nodded your affirmation, "Yeah okay. Which movie are we watching?"

"The Notebook," he revealed with a smile, "It's an extremely emotional movie. Ummm what's the term? Tear-jerker? Uhh yeah, it's a real tear-jerker of a movie."

"Oh so that's why…" you pointed at the tissues. "Yeah," he confirmed, "I tend to cry a lot while watching that movie. And… ummm… I am the kind of person who cries ugly. You know, all tears and snot. So yeah… I need the whole box."

"That's… that's actually sweet," you smiled, "Trust me you are not alone. I start crying as soon as the titles appear on the screen."

He got excited at your confession, "Yes! Exactly! It's because you know what's going to come and you are just mentally preparing yourself."

You chuckled with him in affirmation as he led you further into his apartment.

You freshened up a bit in his washroom, making sure to clean your feet and the residue on your face from the sweat.

Bucky was standing besides your bag when you entered the living room, "Now that we are friends," he intoned, "will you please tell me what's inside of this?"

You sighed, "Mr Barnes-."

"Bucky," he corrected you and you smiled.

"Will you promise me you will not take any offense or be insulted by it? I really did not mean to swap the bags."

"I trust you," Bucky said with assurance.

"It's…it is a sex toy," you mumbled quietly. Any normal human wouldn't have heard you, but Bucky's enhanced hearing caught your words flawlessly.

He took a moment to process your words, and finally, to your amazement, burst out laughing.

You sheepishly smiled at his reaction as your heart felt a little lighter. "That is embarrassing," he agreed with a wide grin.

The two of you settled on the couch as Bucky's chuckles lessened. He kept the box of macarons between you two, but hesitated to begin the movie.

You sensed his curiosity, and clarified, "I haven't been in a relationship in a very long time. It's been… 2 years I guess… since my last breakup." You took a deep breath, "And my job doesn't exactly leave a lot of time on my hands for dating or one-night-stands."

Bucky seemed to consider your words for what felt like a long time. Finally, he asked quietly, "What does it feel like? To… to want another person… sexually?"

You blinked your eyes, thinking you must have misheard him. But then, his gaze met yours, and you knew his question was sincere.

"It feels like…," you raked your mind in search for the appropriate words, "...like your entire body is on fire, and you need the touch of the other person to quench your thirst. Like, just for a few moments, you want to shut your mind, and let your body think for you."

Bucky nodded slowly as you finished, "But what if you feel that in your heart? And not for your body?"

You squint your eyes at his question, "What do you mean Bucky?"

He placed his head in his hands, "I just… I don't feel like that with anyone. I mean, I don't want to have sex. Trust me I have tried everything. Literally everything. Still I don't feel aroused… I am broken, aren't I? Because this is abnormal, right? No matter how hard I try I will never be normal."

Your heart shattered at his words. You had heard about his horrid nightmares, but to think that he was struggling to accept himself, thinking that he was broken, even when he had so much love to give, was depressing. You could not just stand by and watch.

Gently, you placed a hand on his shoulder, "Bucky, look at me." When he didn't comply, you urged him, "Bucky, you are not broken. It is completely normal to not have any sexual desires."

"No it's not," he scoffed.

"Yes it is," you coerced him, "Do you know what is asexuality? It is the complete absence of sexual desires. Many people-"

He interrupted you, "There is no such thing. You are making this up."

"I am not," you replied indignantly, "Research indicates that more than 1% of the American population is asexual. Also, experts believe that more people might be asexuals because they think that they "haven't found the right person yet"," you ended with air quotes.

With no reaction from him, you sighed and got up, "Do yourself a favour. Use the internet and learn about asexuality. It will help put your mind at ease." You left after giving that piece of advice.

Bucky stayed in the same position for a few moments after your departure. He nibbled on a macaron as he considered the movie playing in front of him. Unable to focus, he promptly shut it all and carried the box to his bed. The macarons disappeared into his mouth as he tossed and turned, feeling restless.

There was no way asexuality was a thing. If it was, then how come there were no movies, tv shows or even advertisements on asexuality? That's because it wasn't normal, right? Maybe you had just lied to him to make him feel better? Maybe you took pity on him?

He looked at his phone on the table near the tv set, your final words repeating in his head in a loop. The combination of tiredness and laziness encouraged him to take your advice in the morning.

🏳️‍🌈

You didn't see Bucky for 3 days after your fateful encounter with him. The fact that you still had your job at the Avengers Tower meant that he hadn't filed a complaint yet with the HR. And for that you were grateful. Friday came and you found yourself working late, again. It was around 10pm and you were still in your lab, almost done with the work. That's when you heard the small swoosh of the lab doors opening and closing.

You looked up from your table, and found Bucky staring intently at you with his blue eyes. He cleared his throat and tentatively took a step towards you. "You were right," he said slowly, "I researched online, read a few articles and spoke with the in-house therapist. I am an," he took a deep breath, "an asexual."

You closed your laptop and smiled at his confession, "How are you feeling now?"

"Honestly? A little bit better. I feel somewhat free," he admitted while gripping the white bag in his hand a little bit tighter.

"That's great! I am so proud of the progress you have made," you beamed at him, but sensed his hesitance as you neared him.

"What's wrong?" you gently inquired.

"You are… not… I mean… by any chance… asexual?" he winced at his own question.

You chuckled lightly, "No I am not."

"Ahh, then it's okay," he murmured and turned as if to leave.

You stopped him by placing a hand on his firm bicep, "What's going on?"

He shifted on his feet, visibly uncomfortable and anxious, "I was just… no nevermind it's stupid."

"Bucky," you said his name in a stern voice.

He sighed again, "I thought… I mean I owe you a movie because… of that night… and so… you know… would you like to watch it? The movie? But why would you? You deserve better… you are not an asexual. You are normal. Why would you want to go on a date with me?" he finally ended his mumbling.

You looked at him with squinted eyes, trying to decipher what he had muttered. "Did you just say you would like to go on a date with me? But it was stupid because you are an asexual and I am normal?" you blinked as he nodded.

"Who told you that you are not normal?" you asked him, a little irritated, "Bucky look at me." This time he complied, "You. Are. Normal. As normal as me, as the other Avengers or as anybody else in the world. Do not, for even one goddamn second, think that there's something wrong with you because there isn't. Are you listening to me? Am I clear?" you wagged your forefinger at him.

Amused at your outburst, he nodded with a sheepish grin. Clearing his throat, he asked you again, "Would you like to watch a movie with me tomorrow? As a date?"

You placed your hands on your waist, "Yes."

His grin widened as he asked you the next question, "Still mad at me?"

"Uh-huh."

"Maybe these cupcakes will help," he shyly held up the white bag in front of you, "I made sure they were cupcakes," he added with a smirk.

You graciously accepted the bag, "Cupcakes will always help."

"Great! It's a date then. Tomorrow… at 4pm? My apartment?" Bucky suggested.

You agreed, and he left with a goodbye. As soon as he was out of sight, you opened the box, expecting to see the usual cupcakes inside. Instead, you found that the sweet treats were decorated with cute messages such as "U R Cute" , "Be Mine?" , "So Sweet" and so on. Feeling mushy at his adorable gesture, you bit into the sweet treat as you headed back to your apartment.

The next day, you made sure to wear a purple dress, complete with black, grey and white accessories - the colours of the asexual flag. Bucky beamed at you as he welcomed you into his apartment. He had made a snack mix from popcorn, crispy pretzels, chips and nachos, the perfect accompaniment to any movie according to him, and you couldn't agree more.

The pair of you watched The Notebook in silence, except for a few sobs and sniffs here and there and the straight up bawling during the emotional parts of the movie.

After a while, the film ended but your date continued. The two of you talked about everything, right from the meaningful discussions about the government policies to random questions like "which mythical creature would you be and why?"

Soon, it was time for you to head back to your apartment. Bucky offered to walk you and you happily agreed. But before you left, he asked you nervously, "Would you like to have a second date?"

"I would love to," you beamed, "Which movie should we watch the next time?"

He ran his hand in his somewhat disheveled hair, "Uhh… I actually made a date jar. Wait, I will get it."

He brought over a glass jar, filled with tiny bits of folded paper, "I thought we could have dates that start from each English alphabet. We can pick and choose at random from the jar."

Tears pricked the corner of your eyes again at his thoughtful and romantic gesture. You gingerly picked one note from the jar, excited for the adventure that awaited the two of you.

🏳️‍🌈

It took more than 2 years for the pair of you to finish every date in the date jar, except for one. Whether it was jet-skiing in the ocean, taking classes for flamenco dance, him teaching you self-defense or going on a wildlife safari together, you and Bucky finally got through it all. Only the letter "P" was now left.

In these 2 years, any distance between the two of you had practically vanished. Bucky was comfortable in removing his bionic arm in front of you. Moreover, he had started sharing everything with you. Right from his darkest and disturbing nightmares to a pretty butterfly that he may have seen during his missions, Bucky made it a point to ensure that you were a part of his life, and you had absolutely no complaints.

The two of you had also discussed about your sexual desires, and Bucky had been comfortable with you using your sex toys as and when you wished.

Bucky was the perfect boyfriend anybody could ask for. He was considerate, thoughtful, a hardcore feminist and gave the best foot-rubs in the world. And so you were nervous. Nervous because the two of you had never actually sat down to talk about the nature of your relationship. And as the day of the last date loomed nearer, your anxiety increased. At first, you thought of making a second date jar, but he had quickly dismissed the idea, stating that he would be caught up with multiple things after the last date ended.

As you sat in the car that Bucky had sent for you, your apprehension grew. Bucky always picked you up, however this time, he had asked you to come alone in the car. Maybe he wanted to break up with you?

By the time you reached the park it was pitch black. You were sure Bucky had paid the guards to keep the gates of the park open just for you.

As soon as you entered, you saw the pathway lined with 25 lamp posts, leading you towards a breathtaking archway decorated with fairy lights and your favourite flowers.

On every lamp post, a photograph of the two of you - which were taken on your dates - was stuck along with a note. The notes described how he fell in love with you over and over again on every single date. Your progress was slow, as read each of his meticulously written words with tears in your eyes. You collected all of his notes and the photographs, and finally headed towards the lit archway.

When you entered it, the instrumental notes of the song "All of Me" by John Legend reached your ears.

You walked ahead and reached a bend. Upon crossing it, you were showered with rose petals as the live music grew louder. And at the end of the archway, your boyfriend, James Buchanan Barnes, was standing in a tuxedo, looking as sinfully good as the forbidden fruit. The entire area around him was lit with soft fairy lights that cascaded gracefully between tall lamp posts. Even on the ground, small wooden lamps illuminated the grass across the area. A live band was playing the music and your Bucky was standing with the most gorgeous bouquet of red roses that you had ever seen.

Your vision turned blurry as you started crying, and looking at your tears, he started sobbing as well. "No no no I can't cry now," he managed to say between his sobs while giving you his handkerchief, "I have to do this."

He got down on one knee and took your hand in his. You both laughed as you started crying harder. He took a deep breath and said your name, "These 2 years have been the most magical years of my life. You have accepted me as who I am, what I am, and never once tried to change me or make fun of me for it. I never thought I would be treated with the amount of respect that-" he started crying, unable to finish his sentence.

You sat beside him and handed him your kerchief. "Yes," you said with a tear-stained smile.

"Let me ask you first!" he exclaimed between his sobs.

You laughed and wiped your snot as he cleared his throat, "I love you so much. You are the only one I want to-" he started crying again.

"Yes!" you answered his unsaid question.

"I haven't asked you yet!" he exclaimed again as the two of you giggled between your sobs.

"Okay c'mon Bucky you can do this," he muttered to himself as you beamed at him. "Okay," he looked into your eyes and whispered your name, "Will you do me the honour of marrying me and becoming my wife?"

You choked up at finally hearing the words. Rendered speechless, you could only nod as fresh tears escaped your eyes.

"You have to say yes!" he almost shouted with excitement.

"Yes! Yes! Yes!!" you matched his enthusiasm as he slipped a ring onto your finger. His large arms then engulfed you in a bear hug, wrapping you in a safe and secure space for eternity to come.

Permanent tag: @donutloverxo @notyourtypicalrose @just-one-ordinary-fangirl

Bucky taglist: @loustan90

Taglist open! Just comment, send an ask or message!

#asexual #Bucky Barnes #bucky barnes angst #bucky barnes au #james bucky barnes #asexual!bucky barnes #asexual!Bucky #bucky x reader #Bucky barnes x Reader #winter soldier #lgbtqa #JTargaryen18s4K

173 notes · View notes

crimsonandcloverwrites · 3 years

Text

bhah ch3 reread u know the drill

what is Jamie doing with all this oil I am concerned

god the tension of knowing Jamie is there but not talking to her but Dani probably secretly hoping she will

aww is she picking up more wonder woman comics for mikey?? cute

gah I love that they slip back into playful banter so easily despite everything going on

also 10/10 that the gays in town would be trying on the tackiest sunglasses in the service station (and 12/10 that Jamie actually brought them)

Dani Carson car adventures!! i would read a whole 20k word chapter just on that

sdfkjdshjfhd Dani throwing herself to the ground when she sees Jamie in the supermarket I’m losing it

“Yeah and then she left” ouch

THREE GAYS IN A SUPERMARKET WHAT WILL HAPPEN

aww Jamie Carson reunion tooooo cute

oh my god the tension of them standing back to back trying not to touch lmao

Jamie rly is the teeniest in town huh

Dani getting all protective and mad over Mikey having to sit outside school is v sweet

Jamie to the rescue how cute

Jamie’s collarbone: hello. Dani’s gay panic: LOOK AWAY

also sdkjfhdkjhg Jamie working w her hands is so hot we need more fics just talking about her getting dirty. for the good of the nation

there is so much going on here the cute teasing Dani feeling all weird abt their whole dynamic jamie giving her looks the engagement ring I am not equipped to process all of it

“you think there are secrets in this town?” just ur burning love for each other ladies!

once again mechanic!jamie... i am compromised

aww Dani bby literally does not know what to do with herself. the juxtaposition of the depth of their relationship and the little moments of familiarity with the awkwardness of people who don’t really know each other properly anymore is so fucking well done here

Eddie’s “honey I’m home” moment carrying her over the threshold afkjhsdkjf good for him

Dani and this house got beef huh

Dani: sometimes things with Eddie just don’t feel right but I’m sure that’s fine. Dani when she loses a tiny piece of her relationship w Jamie: level 5 meltdown. Literally the theme of this fic is “honey you got a big storm comin” and I love it

this dig at pineapple on pizza........ offensive

“Instead, she reset her mask, pulled the rope to part the stage curtains, and tied the other end around her neck.” Jesus.

“the other part of Dani, the part that never knew how to stop missing Jamie” i will cryyyy

starting a gofundme for Dani’s car asap

Eddie putting the moves on I can’t look. but lmao when he finds a girl that’s actually into him and wants this kind of attention his whole world is gonne be rocked

can we get Dani some therapy pls this is not how u should feel abt the person ur gonna marry. or about yourself

*gasp* the wontons mixtape

hmmmm I’m Not in Love and A Case Of You really are a one-two punch huh

lol I just went to play them and I was apparently in the middle of listening to Stop Making This Hurt by The Bleachers which feels... apt

fuck. making a mixtape for someone truly is peak romance huh? music my beloved

hmmm i just realised that this timeline parallels the flashback chapters w a new Taylor in school in each how cool. and also Nan vs Jamie taking on responsibilities w these kids and stepping up for them in their own way pls my emotions

aahh the coffee date I kinda forgot how fast Dani made this relationship rekindle bless her

wait clara and horace does that mean abigail is in Dani’s class too??? she lives??

a reserved sign pls that’s so cute

OWEN! god I love the levity and banter w Jamie he brings to fics

there is just so much fondness between them it always shines through no matter what they’re talking about I love it

this backpacking chat... envisioning Dani n Jamie once Mikey is grown up going on a big tour of europe together n fufilling Dani’s dreams

the fact that Jamie was drawn back to this place... by what hmmmm ms taylor. by what

oof this really is a painful rehashing of the past huh.

“star hike” lmao

"I can fix it." "You can't." OUCH

ooft just rip the bandaid right off. “I missed you. Everyday.” god my heart

arguing in an alley behind the pharmacy that’s gay rights

"Because if it was going to end, then I wanted it over quickly!” jamie ‘everyone always leaves so I cut them off before they can hurt me‘ taylor everyone. I am not doing well

ok with the context of like... everything from the future chapters this scene hits even harder than the first time i read it jesus

still can’t get over Dani ‘trying not to recall the memories of the last time they were in this room together’ was Jamie absolutely falling to pieces in her arms *screams forever* i remember reading that line and imagning so many things it could have been and yet yall went for the ultimate stab to the heart bravo

god I’m just thinking about how much they’ve both changed in those 10 years and how much they’ve stayed the same and just. god the way they’re so drawn to each other still!!!! i can’t even comprehend

blue schrunchie cherished friend

i feel like there is a significance to the red door I cant place and all my brain will provide is “you, me, her” but polyamory adventures is probably not the direction this is going

Jamie like “want a tour of ur future home babe? lets go” (I do love how enchanted Dani is by all of it though)

gah I love Jamie and Mikey together soooo much

find u a person that eats all the foods u don’t like. pickle soulmates

heh “Miss Dani” poor Mikey is goin through it lolol

they are all so cute together i love this lil sunday afternoon family

“Dani kept her gaze fixed on Jamie for just a second longer, studying her profile” gay

there has been several mentions of Jamie’s unreadable/blank expressions this chapter and I can’t stop laughing at her losing her mind over how much she loves Dani and trying to keep it in check every time

THEY’RE FRIENDS AGAIN

AND THEY’RE HUGGING OH HAPPY DAYS

oooh the sandalwood cologne

idk why this Jamie Eddie handshake is making me laugh so much but I love them

Eddie pulling Dani in closer to himself when Jamie’s there..... he knows

staying awake until 2am to finish rereading gay fanfiction... clownery (but fun!) goodnight

#bhah #silly time

10 notes · View notes

hotpinkrathian · 4 years

Text

Double Date

(Kyalin) (Korrasami)

“I still don't understand why you agreed to this." Lin grumbled while Kya buttoned up the neck part on Lin's dress.

"Because, Korra and Asami have been nothing but nice to us since we... made the announcement. And it's good for us, and them."

"I can't possibly comprehend how this much stress is good for me."

"Oh Lin, stop being dramatic and get the keys. We don't want to be late," Kya said, rubbing the back of Lin's shoulders briefly before grabbing a purse and making way to the door. Lin bent the keys to her palm and followed, still grumbling under her breath.

"Hey, look there they are," Asami whispered to Korra, who had enticed herself by making a tune from hitting knives on the glasses.

"Hmm? Oh look, is Lin in a dress?"

"I think so."

"Bolin would love this." Asami nodded in agreement and the two of them played it cool while the older couple took their seats.

"Good evening Korra, Asami," Kya smiled, placing her jacket in the back of the chair.

"Good evening," Asami replied with an equally gentle smile.

"Lin nice dress," Korra blurted, getting an elbow to the stomach from her girlfriend. Lin just stared at her, her arms crossed and the same unamused look on her face.

"So, do you two come to this place often?" Kya asked.

"It's our favourite, it's central too so that helps. Some days we are together from 9 till 5 and others we hardly see each other. We always seem to end up here." Asami explained, taking a sip of her water when she was done.

"Oh I get it, I can't tell you how many times I've had to go to the station to bring Lin home from work."

"It's not that often," Lin protested, weakly. Kya rolled her eyes and Asami stifled a smile.

"Kya have you been to the air temple recently?" Korra asked.

"I was there the other day, why?"

"I was just wondering how everyone was doing. They're not around as much anymore, I hate to admit but I kind of miss Tenzin breathing down my back." Kya laughed and flipped the page of her menu.

"Tenzin has the effect on people. While he's around you hate him, when he's gone you miss him. Everyone's doing good, Jinora has really stepped into her role as a master, and Tenzin thinks that there's another arrow ceremony in the near future."

"That's amazing! I'm so happy for all of them."

"And how about little Rohan?" Asami asked.

"Well, he was crawling like crazy when I saw him, so he's mobile."

"Any sign of bending?"

"Not yet, but they didn't know the others were benders until they were a little older. There's still time." A waitress came, an empty platter in hand and a pencil and paper ready to go.

"My name Karina, I'll be your server today, can I start you girls off with some drinks?"

"I'll just get a virgin Margarita, Cherry please," Asami said.

"Yeah and I'll get one of those, with the alcohol in Lime," Korra added.

"I'll get a red wine, whatever's cheapest is fine," Kya grinned.

"I'll go for a soft drink, anything's fine," Lin said.

"Alright I'll be back soon enough" Karina smiled before taking off for the kitchen.

"Virgin Margarita, ill never understand, Asami," Korra joked.

"Well someone's gotta take you home."

"I know, I appreciate it. Even though I tease you." Asami blushed, and tried to hide her face from Kya who watched them with a sloppy grin.

Lin observed her surroundings, she tried to do the small talk like Kya had asked, but it was hard, and awkward. Instead she avoided eye contact, happy watching the workers move about.

"Well anyway, I show up at the precinct, and Mako is standing outside, this look on his face and I knew things were bad. I ran inside and I kid you not I busted down the doors to her office, Lin had a knife wound up her side, it was bleeding all over. And you know what she says to me? 'Kya it's not a big deal'" The younger girls laugh and Lin looked over to them.

"Okay honey, you're exaggerating just a bit. It wasn't a "knife wound" it was a scratch that just so happened to be caused by a knife shaped piece of metal." Lin added. Korra and Asami laughed, and Lin smiled, just a bit. She fiddled with the straw of her drink, halfhearted you listening to Asami tell then about one of their adventures on their vacation.

"Hey Lin, you okay?" Kya asked.

"Hmm? Yeah fine. I'm just going to the bathroom, excuse me." She replied, ignoring the worried glances from the rest of the group. She made her way to the bathroom, her brow sweating as more and more people set their eyes on her. She couldn't stop thinking about what had happened earlier today. She was out, and an aggressive older man had targeted her, because of her relationship with Kya. And now the four of them, being out together, it didn't feel safe..She hadn't told Kya, she knew how the water bender would worry, but she couldn't help but keep her eyes peeled on their surroundings, just in case another jackass tried to approach her with bad intentions. The bathroom was empty, thankfully, and she let herself relax by the sink for a moment. Taking in the silence and solitude of the room. It wasn't long before the door swung open, and the Avatar stepped in, desperate not to disturb the peace.

"Lin. You uh... good in here?"

"I'm fine Korra, go back to the table."

"See you say that, but something tells me I should stay."

"You're confused."

"Hmmm, try I'm confused. Well not me. You. You say: I'm confused." Lin sighed and faced away from the younger girl, putting a hand to her forehead on a crossed elbow. "Did someone say something? Was it Asami she can get pretty talkative sometimes. I don't get it you know? She says I have a habit of unnecessary rambling but I rarely speak-"

"-Korra. Oh my god."

"Something is wrong." Lin sighed again, this time Korra can you to her, stepping into her eye sight. "Lin you can tell me anything. I'll even keep it a secret if you want." Korra grinned, not a happy grin, but one that instilled confidence in Lin.

"I was attacked today."

"Ok not where I thought this was going, but continue."

"Some old bigot, guess he caught wind of my current relationship status, and that was too much for him."

"Wait, he attacked you because of..."

"Yeah."

"Does Kya know?"

"No! She'd get all angry, wouldn't let it down."

"Oh. Well honestly Lin, I have to hand it to you, you have the tolerance of Avatar Aang. If it were me... I would've been really destructive."

"Well its not like I didn't do nothing, I just didn't do enough."

"Ever since people found out about me and Asami, it hasn't been as happy go lucky as it used to be. So many people are happy for us, but there's still a lot of people who make enemies of themselves. I'm the Avatar and usually that's enough to send them running but you, you're a person."

"I'm the chief of Police,"

"That makes it worse. Some people have a problem with woman in power, a gay woman in power is just unheard of." Lin felt the corners of her mouth curve into a smile.

"Thanks Korra."

"Are you ready to go back to the table?"

"Yes, I am."

"Thank the Lion Turtles, I'm starving."

"Here they come, it looks like Korra got through to her," Asami whispered.

"Well I'll be darned," Kya replied as Lin and Korra sat at the table. "You good babe?" Kya asked.

"Great," Lin replied with a smile, kissing Kya in the cheek. Kya felt herself blush, and she spun the noodles on her fork in hopes of it fading. She caught Korra winking at her from the other side of the table and she smiled, releasing a discreet laugh.

"Where's the waitress?" She asked after a moment, "I'm ready for another glass of wine."

"Hell yeah!" Korra cheered, beckoning the waitress and getting herself a beer and Kya another glass of wine.

"Just bring the bottle," Kya told the waitress before she could leave. "So," Kya started, "What are we drinking to tonight Korra?"

"We, are drinking to Lin Beifong. For being the best bad ass in the city!"

"I can get behind that!" Kya smiled.

"Same here. To Lin Beifong then!" Asami added, raising her glass to theirs. Lin smiled, and with the motivation from her peers she raised her glass too, getting much more enthusiasm then she deserved. They took a sip at the same time, Korra and Kya's lasted significantly longer, nearly downing their newly refilled drinks in one go.

"Lin," Kya attempted at a whisper, "I love you," Lin smiled, and not without a small shake of her head she looked at her girlfriend.

"I love you too."

"Okay Korra, you and Kya can hang out tomorrow. Sure, Lin can drink with you next time. No we aren't stopping at Mako's stop teasing him it's not nice." Lin laughed as Asami put a four drink Korra into the car.

"Come on," she offered her own arm to Kya who stumbled a bit out of the restaurant, catching herself on Lin's arm.

"Lin I have been meaning to tell you all night, that dress really works for you."

"Tell me at home."

"Oh I will," Kya replied, rubbing her hand down Lin's cheek.

"You got that handled?" Lin shouted to Asami, who nodded, putting both thumbs up.

"Do you?" Asami asked.

"It's my job," Lin replied, boding farewell to the inventor and her girlfriend. Lin got in her own Sato Mobile, Kya leaned against the window, gazing out at the city lazily. They drove insolence for a few blocks, before Kya sat up, looking at Lin with a surprisingly straight face.

"Lin I know you pretty well," she said, "I know you well enough to know something bothered you today. You don't have to tell me, I'm just glad you're okay." Lin smiled, and let Kya rest her head on Lin's lap while she drove, using one hand to stroke her hair. The rest of the drive was silent, except the sound of their breathing, at one point Kya's became so steady Lin thought she had dozed off, but then she felt the waterbender adjust her head so she was looking straight up at Lin. From the look on her eyes Lin felt as though she was reading Kya's mind, your so beautiful. Kya had never let her forget it, and although the words made Lin feel awkward, she couldn't deny the small spark of joy each time it was said.

#kyalin #legend of korra #lin beifong #team avatar #korrasami #asami sato #avatar the last airbender

133 notes · View notes

maldito-arbol · 3 years

Text

It is occurring to me that the events of my life over the last 2-3 months are very much blurred together in an amalgamation of trauma and dissociation and depression and I can hardly remember me at all. Hey. Sorry. I probably need therapy.

My current update on life is: still living with a friend. It seems as though my parents are content in having abandoned me and harbor no desire to apologize nor to take me back. It’s hard to accept but by no means am I surprised, I’m simply tired. I have to rebuild my own self and my own life here, where I stand now. Rebuilding is hard, but I have to keep trying. It’s the only way I can keep myself from falling off the deep end.

In regards to work, yes I did end up quitting my job. I put in my two weeks and I served them despite them many many times tempting me to just leave and never look back—no, I stuck it out, and I earned my due pay. I thought work was hard before, but it suddenly became hell on earth once I made it known I wasn’t going to let them push me around any longer. I am still trying to understand that I deserve better, am still trying to comprehend that I CAN get better…it’s a lot. I thought if I wasn’t suffering then I wasn’t worth anything at all. And that’s just the way I was raised, the way I’ve been treated all my life from school to work to home. It took me a very long time to realize the people I was around were toxic, and when I did, I felt so sick I could almost die.

Guys, I don’t know how quite to express the way I felt and the way I feel, but I thought I should maybe give you some more insight to my life in a formal post rather than just disjointed pieces in the tags of my posts. So the long story short (though unfortunately still too long) is, I was trapped in an abusive home that eventually imploded and resulted in my eviction by my very petulant mother over a barely qualified for conversation conversation about politics. Because she couldn’t stand the fact that I didn’t want to listen to her. I’d hate to imagine how she’d react if I told her I was gay, or genderfluid of all things if she reacted this way over the fact that I lean left politically. Isn’t that incredible? After all the horrible things she’s put me through, physically, mentally, emotionally, she sees fit to kick me out because I snarled “I don’t care” when she attempted to sway me. It’s funny actually. I spent so many nights crying over something so pathetic. Maybe it’s because she’s my mother and her actions directly imply that I am a child unwanted by the one who birthed them, a child who was never truly loved or cared about in the way children dream of. That undying, uncompromising, unconditional love every human being desires. And in a perfect world it should be guaranteed by a mother, but it’s not. How cruel is it that I feel more loved by my friends’ parents than I do by my own? You know no matter what, they’ll never be my birth parents. There will always be that missing hole in my heart no matter how much I tell myself this is enough. Because I feel like I don’t deserve to be loved. And yet I crave it so much. So much that I was willing to be abused, to be put down, to be the punching bag to a miserable, uncaring woman who didn’t know the first thing about love. Even now sometimes I wonder how she’s doing without me. Does she worry? Does she feel regret? Guilt? Anything? Or does she simply go about her day thinking, “it’s no big deal, I have two more children I can ream in your stead.” As for my dad, I may hold off on getting into that whole rabbit hole, because I feel like I shouldn’t even bother giving him the time of day if he barely will even give me that. He is very very very tiring, and I fear I spent too long desiring a relationship that will simply never blossom.

I thought work was my escape. I thought that repetitive tasks would help distract me from my problems, would provide me something to live for, cause gods know I couldn’t come up with a creative reason myself. And yet, in a way, being mentally shattered once again by my mother once again taught me a little lesson about the other people in my life: if they act like my mother, they’re doing something wrong. And my boss, while different in many ways, shared a core of manipulation mastery that really should’ve bothered me from the start. And because I had been kicked out, because I’d moved in with people who genuinely cared about me, all of the sudden I saw how horribly mistreated I was at work. It was easier to write it off before, when I was treated worse at home so work felt like Heaven. But it wasn’t. It never was. How many times I fooled myself into believing it was. It’s interesting how being loved and cared about can show you just how poorly you’ve had it everywhere else. So when my sister quit because of another explosion of verbal abuse from my boss, I decided that was my final sign to throw in the towel. While she simply walked off the job, I allowed my boss to keep me for two more weeks; just to be polite, just to be professional, and I may have just shot myself in the foot in doing so. It’s quite a show manipulators will put on when they realize they’re about to lose you. When holding power and the high ground over you has been torn down, ripped away from them, you see truly the desperation, the lengths they will go to restore order and control over you. I was emotionally manipulated, gaslighted, bribed even in my final days. She had power over me almost to the bitter end, because I so nearly gave up and gave in so many times. I was emotionally broken, and I still am, but what frightened me so then was that she knew my weaknesses and she knew how to exploit them. She understood I was alone and scared and still picking up the pieces in my own life, and with that understanding came not compassion but the determination to squash me underneath her thumb. I needed a whole army of healthy people in my life to beg me not to rescind my decision, to prod and poke at me to follow through with my exit in order to ensure I made it out safely, though clearly not unscathed.

Of course I’m going to continue carrying the trauma from this, but I won’t allow it to be special. I’m going to dump it carelessly into a duffel bag stuffed with every unkind word and every bruise and hit from my mother, with every humiliation and heartbreak dealt by my teachers, with every fucking dumbshit rumor and practiced bullying technique from my peers at a whole variety of different schools and clubs and camps, with every user and moocher from friend groups past, and anything and everything that has left its lovely scar be it on my skin or in my mind. You struck me hard enough to remain for the lifelong flight? Cool. You’ll find your seat in the back with all the snot-nosed children and disappointed mothers and not a good enough view to provide entertainment for the whole trip. Eat some far too salty crackers and wonder what your life has come to. I hope you enjoy.

#mal rants #sorry about that I just wanted to vent in as linguistically articulate as I possibly could #was it entertaining?#hehe #no but seriously if you actually read it thank you so much you’re so cool

7 notes · View notes

beholdme · 3 years

Text

All the Many Shades of Gerry - Chapter 18

Chapters: 18/19

Fandom: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)

Rating: Teen And Up Audiences

Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply

Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Martin Blackwood/Gerard Keay, Martin Blackwood/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay/Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist

Characters: Martin Blackwood, Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Gerard Keay, Tim Stoker (The Magnus Archives), Sasha James, Gertrude Robinson, Elias Bouchard

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Library AU, Librarian Jon, Artist Gerry, Trans Male Character, Trans Martin Blackwood, Canon Asexual Character, Asexual Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist, Ace Subtype - Sex Positive, Polyamory, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, Romantic Fluff, Falling In Love, Boys in Skirts, Kissing, Demisexual Gerard Keay, Minor Character Death, Past Character Death, Canon-Typical Child Neglect, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Flirting, Minor Jonathan “Jon” Sims | The Archivist/Tim Stoker, Adventures in Hair Dying, Happy Ending, Banter, Gerry has a lot of sass, Gerard Keay is Morticia Adams, Jon is a very grumpy Librarian, Martin adores them anyway.

Summary: In which Gerry is a kaleidoscope and Jon and Martin can’t help falling in love with him.

He happens to love them back.

Find it on Ao3

[1] [2] [3] [4] [5] [6] [7] [8] [9] [10] [11] [12] [13] [14] [15] [16] [17]

They cook, they feed him, they chat away about inane things. Their presence soothes Martin and their voices fill him with the warmth sucked away by his unexpected encounter.

Gerry helps him make tea after dinner, and they all sit at the table together, even the cats sleeping nearby, cuddled up into one big, grey and black fluff ball.

"I think," Martin begins, voice croaky, "That I would like to tell you now."

"We're ready to listen if you're ready to tell us." Jon offers softly. Gerry reaches over to take one of his hands, turning it over to kiss the palm sweetly.

Martin talks, voice quiet and even.

"In the beginning, it was just a normal relationship. Except for the fact that he was almost twenty years older than me, and about a million times richer. I didn't know that at first, of course. He was just a middle-aged man I met in a gay bar, who didn't seem to mind that I was trans. I felt secure in our relationship, if not exactly nurtured or adored. I had never felt very secure before, and it seemed like enough, you know?

"He took me out, brought me a few things in the beginning. He was very dominant, sexually, but I was a lot less sure of my own preferences back then and I thought it was fine. He never even blinked at my trashy flat or cheap clothes, and I didn't even realise just how much money he had for a long time. Maybe I just can't really comprehend that much money, even now.

"When I was twenty-two, my mother died, and…" He huffs out a shaky, emotional laugh. "Well, I was a real mess. I lost my job, and almost my flat. Peter started paying for things, my rent, clothes, meals. He said that I needed somewhere to live and had to eat and look presentable, and it was his pleasure to provide those things for me. It made me feel a bit gross, but I struggled to find another job, and so I accepted it."

Martin hesitates here, before continuing. "The problem started when I wasn't interested in sex one night."

"He forced you?" Gerry interrupts to ask dangerously, threat explicit in his quiet words. His eyes seem to glow faintly in the growing dark of the room, as the sun sets. He wishes, more than ever, that he had helped Jon kick the shit out of Peter Lukas, instead of stopping him.

Martin sighs, eyes pressed tight closed for a second. "Not exactly. He simply pointed out that he paid for me to exist. So I made myself interested."

Gerry's hands tighten into fists and he moves them under the table where Martin can't see them anymore. Jon suddenly looks very pale. They share a look, neither able to see much difference between 'forcing' and what sounds a lot like financial abuse to them.

Martin pulls his legs up to his chest, curling around them as he goes on. "Our relationship became a lot more transactional after that night. I disengaged whatever feelings I had left for him and simply drew all my emotions down deep into myself. I wasn't ashamed to be getting paid for sex, but I felt like I had lost my own consent in the matter. Peter honestly seemed like he had gotten exactly what he wanted. Money was nothing to him, and he had someone to take out on his arm or shag whenever he wanted, without the work of a real relationship, or the complications of unfortunate attachments.

"So, if I needed something, I told him. He set a date, took me out, fucked me. He gave me however much I needed."

Martin shrugs, looking down at his hands. "I honestly hated it. Not because of the prostitution itself, sex has always been very nurturing for me, and I sometimes caught the idea that it was only another way to care for people, and being paid for that is perfectly fine, if you're doing it for the right reasons. The real issue was Peter himself. He had this way of making me feel… bereft and hollow, even before the money came into it."

A few tears track down his face, although his face remains rather blank, in a numb way. It's only as he admits the next words that his voice breaks and the heartbreak works its way out again.

"I was very foolish. Looking back, I can see that I was still a child in a lot of ways. I put myself into a situation that damaged me, but I accept the consequences of those actions, both then and now. I- I-"

"Martin," Jon whispers, warm love clear in his voice. It's nothing but an offer of support, one that he desperately needs right now.

He presses his eyes shut, forcing away the stutter and the lump of tears. "I knew I wasn't going to be able to get out of it, even if I got a crap, minimum wage job that I was qualified for. So I started applying for any work that was available. I made every application exactly what they wanted, and I hoped for the best. When Elias offered me the job at Magnus, I took it happily. Since then I found out that Peter knows him, and probably arranged the job for me, but at the time I had no idea. Looking back, I know that it's a miracle that I got out of it at all. Peter could have chosen to make my life a living hell. Instead, he accepted the several firm rejections I offered him.

"He promised me that we weren't done, that I would be back, but he left me alone. I was done. I moved on with my life, even if I had to lie to do it." Martin sighs, shakes out his shoulders, the most difficult part over now.

"I had always planned to be open about it with my next relationships, but they were so fleeting that it never even came up. By the time I fell for Jon, it had become a secret, one I was loathed to dig up for a relationship I was convinced wouldn't last. I thought to myself, 'Why ruin something that makes me happy?' I assumed it would fall apart anyway, and it was easier to allow it to be in the past.

"But I am sorry. I'm sorry that I never told you. I'm sorry you had to find out from him. I'm sorry that we've been together for more than a year and we basically live together, and I've put you in this position. I love you both, very very much."

"When did you eventually decide that our relationship was going to last?" Jon queries, genuine curiosity in his voice.

There's a beat of hazy silence at the abrupt change in tone and topic.

"Oh, ah-" Martin stumbles over his words, unsure how blatantly honest to be. He chooses the real truth, no matter how unfortunate. "The day that I got Luna was the first time I really accepted that you both loved me."

Jon simply raises an eyebrow, completely unconcerned. "What about you, Gerry?"

"With you," Gerry responds easily, "at the hospital in Morden, when I was so panicked that I couldn't decide if I wanted to kill you or handcuff us together for the rest of our lives. With Martin-"

He breaks off with a laugh, colouring slightly. "It was the day we dyed my hair purple."

"The first time we had sex?" Martin asks, surprised at such a hedonistic answer.

He laughs again, more confidently this time. "No, actually, although that was spectacular. It was afterwards, when you braided my hair for the first time. That was the first time anyone had ever braided my hair. It made me feel so… So honoured. Like I was the most precious thing to you."

"Gerry, you are the most precious thing to me. You both are." Martin whispers, tears creeping back into his voice.

"Good, because the feeling is mutual, and we desperately need you around to keep us in line," Jon tells him, voice unusually firm and confident.

"What about you?" Martin remembers to ask him, at risk of floating away in his post confession haze. "When did you know?"

"With Gerry, it was when we were teenagers. I kissed him for the first time, and he laughed at me. I just knew he was my soulmate." Jon rolls his eyes at this, but his voice is full of blatant affection. "With you, Martin, it was- Well, to be quite honest with you, there was no one special moment. It was a million tiny moments, all of them special and perfect to me. Every cup of tea, every frown while you were writing poetry, glasses pushed haphazardly up into your lovely hair. The easy, glorious look on your face the day you met Gerry for the first time, as if you weren't even capable of not falling in love with him, just as I hadn't been. It was especially the days that I would come out of the library and find you waiting for me after work. This weight of total surety would fill my chest and leave me gasping, needing you."

Jon sighs, his own eyes a little bright. "I suppose it was really the night you kissed me in the rain, and every soft moment since then has only affirmed the way I knew you were it for me."

Jon smiles at Martin so beatifically that he forgets to breathe for a moment.

"We love you too, Martin," Gerry tells him, reaching out to grasp a hand. Jon takes the other. "And we wouldn't want you any other way."

***

The next morning, Martin wakes to find Jon eyeing his phone intently. Gerry is asleep on his other side, and he feels warmly cocooned between them. Gentle cloudy light fills the space, encouraging the comfortable cozy atmosphere of their bed.

"What's wrong, love?" Martin asks sleepily, snuggling into his side.

"I got-" Jon pauses, utterly flummoxed. "I got paid a bonus."

"What?" Equally perplexed, Martin takes his phone, squinting as he tries to read the screen.

The banking app is open, and there is indeed a deposit there, Jon's normal salary amount, but on completely the wrong date.

In the purpose box, it simply reads 'Entertainment Value'.

"You don't think," Jon starts, hesitant, "that Elias paid me…"

"For hitting Peter Lukas?" Martin finishes, "His own husband."

They blink at each other, bewildered.

"Does that seem… slightly cursed, to you?" Jon whispers as if Elias might hear him. Even worse if Elias could hear them, and would probably enjoy being accused of having a cursed relationship.

"Yes, completely cursed. What is up with those two?" Martin looks as if he's smelled something bad.

"We absolutely cannot spend this money, right?" Jon asks. "Lest we are cursed with their relationship dysfunction."

"Correct," Martin responds firmly, shuddering. "Can we donate it to the animal shelter?"

"I think that's a wonderful idea." Jon's relief at this resolution is palpable.

He does it straight away, as if even having the money in his bank account might ruin their lives.

They let out a simultaneous sigh as the transfer goes through.

"That is wild," Martin mutters as he snuggles back down.

Jon tosses his phone away, no longer interested in it. Instead, he wraps his arms around Martin, burying his nose in his lover's hair. It smells of bergamot and tea leaves and the ocean in winter, just like Martin himself, and Jon luxuriates in the moment.

"I love you, Martin K. Blackwood." He whispers into the soft air.

"Even if I don't actually have a middle name?" Martin whispers back.

"Especially because of that." Jon chuckles.

They lay together, the gentle moments of the morning flowing around them. Later, they get up and shower together. They drink tea in front of the big windows in the living space. Martin reads a book from Gerry's shelves, his own books still packed, and Jon wanders off to play his piano where it is randomly set up, right in the middle of Gerry's typical painting area.

Gerry himself appears downstairs, still sleepy and bleary-eyed. He curls up with his head in Martin's lap, listening to Jon fill the flat with gentle music.

It's the soft sort of moment that each of them had been wishing for all their lives, full of love, and family, and a home of their very own.

#the magnus archives #jonathan sims #martin blackwood #gerry keay #jongerrymartin #fic #also on ao3

12 notes · View notes

nightswithkookmin · 3 years

Note

I am a hard Taekook shipper but recently Jikook have been melting my heart by being so cute and cudly and loving. I understand and i am sorry for so mhch hate from Taekookers but trust me Taekookers are a bit shaken right now. I cannot disclose my name here but i would like to say if Jikook is real or they decide to come out which i higly doubt then i am 100% in support and also ur page helped me open my eyes and see a diff sude of shipping which is needed alot more. I am Loving Love ryt now.

C'est la vie!

So sorry for the late response love. You've always been on my mind.

I get not every Taekooker is wild and rabid just as not every Joker is sane and fake woke. Lol.

I mean I'm still holding on to my grudge against your people for storming my business pages and leaving shit reviews on my books- and laughing about it? What was that? Damn. Had to change my author name and everything and I've since been publishing under an alias- let me tell you, it's no fun at all.

In retrospect, I shouldn't have called y'all's ship dead- but honestly it dead, it dried up like a drop of sweat on a dessert. What can I say? People just don't want the truth, lol- had these angry thirteen year olds and fake woke Jokers coming for my ass and my business ass on the flamingo app. Chilee. Your people don't want to be civil. Sigh.

Some people just have no sense of personal responsibility and when they get called out for it they slap you with the whole, 'no one asked you to put yourself and your business out there' - this creepy behavior and mental adroitness is not far from rapists blaming girls for wearing short shorts and mini skirts or thieves blaming people for not putting up a fence and shit to protect their property. It's fucked up.

And don't get me started on what they do to Jimin or JK... or even Tae- not to make you feel bad or anything. It's just my people suck, your people suck, we all suck square- don't apologize for it unless you plan on doing something to change it?

As for Taekook, yea I don't think there is anything wrong with shipping them. They have a beautiful bond, they are both visuals and both funny as hell. If you won't ship them I will. Lol.

Just know the reason you are shipping them? If you are shipping them because you genuinely believe they are a couple too then you need to stop shipping them and start supporting them?

And once you start supporting them then I think you'd sooner realize there isn't anything there to support in the first place. Lol.

I support Jikook because I believe with my full chest they are real and are closeted- emphasis on closeted. And for the record, they are the only queer couples in BTS.

Tae lost his queer card when he accidentally outed Jimin on that radio show. 'I think he likes men' yea, straight up het behavior. Lack of homo sensitivity.

Did you see JK's reaction when JM was asked to spill tea on their pervy behaviors behind cams? My butt quivered. Chilee, I thought he was gone out JK too. Damn.

I think the word real and closeted have come loose and cheap on these streets these days. I don't think most of these shippers when they throw it around fully understand the term or realise what it means and what it takes. If they did, they wouldn't randomly be labeling every ship as 'real' within the fandom.

If you believe Taekook is real and that they are equally hiding their sexuality as well as their relationship within the group, then you should understand how severe and traumatizing this fact is and would be for them as gay men?

The thing is, they are not just hiding parts of themselves and their identity for the sake of their careers or military or whatever if they are real, they are lying to millions, millions of people at a time about who they really are by keeping their identity a secret. Secrets are lies honey, however way we want to see it.

If they are real then they are concealing their true identity away from not just their families and friends- if they haven't come out to them, but acquaintances from work, businesses who wouldn't work with them otherwise, brands, sponsors, Heads of states, their fans....

It's one thing for a heterosexual to keep their heterosexual relationship a secret, it's another for a queer person to keep their queerness and or queer relationship a secret.

A lie as heavy as this is bound to take a toll on them, no matter how good they are at hiding it. A secret gets heavy before it gets easy. Not to sell you on anything but do you see any such secret taking a toll on Taekook? Because I see it taking a toll on Jikook.

Do you believe Taekook are closeted? Because I believe Jikook are.

Being closeted means they have to carry the guilt of knowing that each time they pander to heteronormative roles in variety shows or interviews, or imply by omissions that they are straight, or make generalizing statements about their sexuality to avoid addressing their sexuality directly or give it away, that they are lying to people and spewing half truths- seven years in a roll.

Being closeted is not a joke. It's heavy. I think you need to grasp this before you claim it for anyone.

People like to throw the 'closeted' phrase around willy nilly but fail to comprehend its weight and complexity and consequences especially for people that they believe are actually queer.

It's not easy lying to people about who you are. Unless you are a pathological liar and a psychopath, it's like drowning each day you wake up. You die a little each time. Your sexuality is a huge part of your identity and when you deny it for so long by lying and suppressing it, it's like shutting out a peice of yourself and silencing your own voice. The more you push it aside the louder it screams and the harder it fights to come out.

It's a state of constant internal struggle. You wake up everyday contemplating whether to risk the perfect life you've spent years building just so you can turn off the guilt that comes with keeping a secret of this nature.

And each time you get better at omitting or generalizing and evading questions that hint at your truth, the more you hate yourself and the more guilt you feel. This guilt can become a driving force that pushes you to make risky moves and take impulsive actions such as 'borderline outing your relationship'- does that sound like Taekook to you?

If you are not driven by the love you feel for your partner, you are driven by the guilt and neither is a great place to be if you are queer.

You lie everyday, you get caught up in the lies and soon you start believing in the web of lies you've woven around yourself such that you don't even recognize who you are or why you are, anymore. As such, you are constantly searching for yourself, to reconcile the bits you've hidden away and perhaps forgotten, and you keep exploring your identity because you are unsettled- honey, that sounds more like Jikook than Taekook to me but c'est la vie.

Being closeted is not about moments that get cut by editors, or less interactions, or being seperated or seated further apart from eachother. These are just ship street parlance. Being closeted is an attitudinal, internal attribute rather than external manipulations or influences- it's a science. Lol

Coming out may be risky for any of these boys if they are real, but I promise you hiding is much harder for them.

And so When I look at Taekook, and I see how beautiful they are yet I don't in God's honest truth see them 'dealing' with any or all of these struggles Jikook deal with or have dealt with at one point, in my opinion- forget the homophobia, the wanting to come out, the low key microaggressions they deal with even within the group- 'the Jk never stops crying,' 'the real men don't do this and that talk' talk, the toxic masculinity and internalized homophobia traits JK and Jimin used to exhibit in their early days talking about 'real men don't twerk,' 'real men don't wear rings on their pinky'- all the times Jimin have had to defend his masculinity or even femininity, or stand up for Kook's within the group. 'Men, men, men. What is men?'

Jikook are the only two within the group that in my opinion have struggled most with their identity, with embracing aspects of themselves; you hear them complain about 'living a lie' 'tired of hiding, lying' and all these are themes consistent with closet behavior that they've both explored in one way or the other and even as of 2020 they are still dealing with or 'exploring' their identities perhaps as a means to reconcile their true selves? I'm really struggling with this post because I don't wanna get salesy on your ass. Lol.

Don't get me wrong, Tae struggles and deals with issues too- mostly with loneliness, lowkey depression in my opinion, lowkey bullying- sometimes, lol and he often expresses a desire to find someone and be happy and yet 'his supporters' don't recognize that...

You can wait till Jikook come out officially as queer, if they ever chose to, to support them- Or you can choose to support them and love them now because that's what they need in order to officially come out as and when they choose to? Ok I'm being salesy. Lmho. I'll stop. Don't mind me. But think about it.

Ship whatever ship you want but support Jikook. It's all I'm asking. And by support, I mean don't exhibit any anti homosexual attitude towards them- deadass. You and I gone fight, square up toe to toe, if you do. Lol.

People don't need to be afraid of Jikook. They just need to treat them as human beings and not reduce them to a mere ship. They are a ship too yes, but they are more than that if you ask me.

You sound nice. I love you. I'm glad you enjoy my posts. Merry Christmas and cheers to our ships.

Keep supporting Jikook. Jikook is real.

Signed,

GOLDY

56 notes · View notes

bottleofspilledink · 3 years

Text

God’s Watching, Put on a Show || Chapter XIV

It seemed shame and guilt were now constants in her life, far more fervent and unrelenting than it was before; the things Eve did that night were things she would have to take to her grave.

She lay on her stomach, mere inches away from the door, using the little light that seeped in from the hall to read. By no means was it ideal, but she’d take what she could get. Better to have sore limbs than an angry mother discovering her reading (and a gay book, no less!) if she goes to check why the lights are still on.

The book – she considered it a diary for a good while based on formatting, but she couldn’t call it that anymore, not after what was in it – was finished in a single, somewhat uncomfortable sitting. Despite of all the questionable morals and queer subject matter, she practically gobbled it up, forgoing sleep, near unblinking in her pursuit to find out what happens next.

What she was more ashamed of, though, was the fact that Lilith’s note never did leave her hand, always cradled in her palm, her fingers tracing over the letters absentmindedly, thumb dancing over the corners. It stayed in her grasp long after she hid the book away. She pressed it to her chest, feeling the constant pitter-patter of her heart just beneath the paper, just beneath her clothing, just beneath her flesh, just beneath her ribs.

It beat. No matter how hard she willed it to stop. It beat for Lilith.

With love, from Lilith.

She longed to press her lips to the letter, where Lilith’s hands once were. What did Lilith think of while writing this for her? Of all the words she could have used, of all the things she could’ve written…

With love.

Her mind spun a fantasy from memories of them, earlier and yesterday and the day before that, from the brief period of them knowing each other, a mixture of yearning and delusion and of darkness, making her hope and wish, no matter how wrong it may be, that the dot just after Lilith’s name was a heart. It looked like a heart, if you squinted at the top. It could have been a heart. She’d scribbled things in the margins of her notebooks and knew that sometimes ink bleed, and what should have been a tiny heart became a mere dot. The thick, dark pentel pen obscured Lilith’s intent from her.

Love.

Eve wanted it to be a heart. She wanted so much more than that, though. She wanted to kiss the letter. She wanted to kiss Lilith.

Even thinking that, a silent confession in the confines of her mind, made everything hurt. A karmic punishment (or so she thought). It made her chest ache and clench, her breath quicken, her palms sweat.

The crucifix dangled overhead, a reminder of her sin, her greed, the promise of heaven the threat of hell. Eve should not want. To want is to sin. And yet, she did.

Her eyes drifted from the letter for the first time in hours.

It scared her, that crucifix and all that it meant.

But it did nothing to stop her want.

She pulled the covers over her, hiding from horrified parents, from disgusted friends, from an unjust world, from a cruel God. It wasn’t the same as when she cocooned herself in Lilith’s embrace, wasn’t the same as when she buried her face in the crook of Lilith’s neck. It didn’t even come close. But she would have to make do.

Under her quilt, she sighed. Relief. But not only that. In that breath was longing and sorrow and love. Oh, so much love. How could a single breath contain it all? Her fingers trembled. Even under the cover of darkness, her chest ached. Whether it was the tender ache of love or that of fear gripping her didn’t matter. Could she tell the difference at this point?

She held the paper gingerly and, at long last, pressed her lips to the letter, to Lilith’s name, to the small dot she still wanted to be a heart. Her actions were soft, gentle, careful as to not crumple the note. And again, lips grazing over the letter smoothly.

One of her hands let go of the paper, moving down, rustling the soft fabric of her nightgown as it passed her stomach and went lower still.

Her fingers twitched. Hesitance.

Then a sigh, barely heard through the sounds of frantically shifting fabric.

Another soft kiss to the paper. A stifled gasp.

It was sunrise by the time she poked her head out of the covers, panting.

...

Eve sat next to Lilith in homeroom, silent despite the hustle and bustle of the room; most girls having gotten up to talk to each other and compare clubs while it wasn’t too late to switch.

She could feel it, even now, her bathwater scalding like hellfire, pelting down on her skin as harsh as hail. Her fingers were still pruney from the long shower. The flush of her irritated skin hadn’t gone down by much, either, though she couldn’t tell if it was from the heat of her shower or the lingering shame. Her thighs burned something fierce, a mixture of near-boiling water and constant, repentant scrubbing.

A self-inflicted punishment.

“You shouldn’t have done that,” She whispered.

Eve didn’t really think she had the right to judge the other for stealing the books, especially after what she’d done, but cruel and horrible as it was both to her and Lilith, chastising another would make her feel better.

If only marginally.

Lilith didn’t even respond, a mere eyebrow raise her only answer.

A dare to continue? A display of anger, annoyance?

She couldn’t tell.

Still, she went on.

“It was library property. You can’t just take a book out of the library without borrowing it, that’s stealing.”

Nothing she said made the burning stop. It was as if hell itself had come to make a home within her, a now dirty, violated temple of the lord. The shame didn’t fade and the guilt still sat deep in her chest, her stomach. She’d scoop it out if she could.

Wasn’t that a pretty image? Her hands deep in her ribs, black sludge flowing freely from her innards, its source unknown by anyone but God. Her sin coming to a physical fruition via the dark liquid rising in her throat, spewing out gruesomely, grotesquely. Maybe it would choke her. Or maybe she would just explode.

“Why’d you take the book?”

Lilith’s expression finally morphed from what she thought was a questioning passiveness to a sad smile. It wasn’t like her other smiles, but just like before, it was like the girl knew something she didn’t.

“So I could give it to you.”

She felt like crying again, a frustrated, incredulous sob rising in her throat. Even after everything she’d already seen, after everything that had already happened, she could hardly comprehend Lilith’s words.

Sensing this, Lilith spoke again: “I did it for you.”

It was said so simply, so easily, despite the weight it held, like an anvil turned feather, but not quite; the weight was there, mind you, but Lilith was all too happy to carry it.

“And it’s not stealing,” She argued, shrugging, “it didn’t have the sticker so it wasn’t in the system. Nobody besides you even knew it was there.”

“Still.”

A second passed. It was neither tense or relaxed, more expectant than anything else, Lilith knowing she was going to say something more.

“The note…”

Said item sat squarely in her skirt pocket, folded and protected by her embroidered handkerchief. She tried leaving it at home. It had been slid under the base of her antique lamp before she rose and showered. But the fear of it being discovered lingered, leading her to pocket it before leaving.

That wasn’t the only reason she couldn’t leave it behind, though.

For barely underneath the fear was longing, a longing to be close to the note, to hold it to her. Even now, her fingers twitched, aching to palm it under the table, just out of view.

“What about it?”

Thoughts of the dot echoed in her mind and she vaguely pondered whether confirming Lilith’s intent was worth seeming utterly delusional.

“Did you… mean that?”

“Mean what?”

It could’ve been anything, the answer to that question. Just yesterday when Lilith said it was going to be okay. When she said taking care of someone wasn’t tiring, not when it was her. The time Lilith deserved someone better than a man who only cared for her looks. The note, the thing she was actually here to ask about.

“Love.” Her only answer; the only word brave enough to dare go past her lips, the only one she could form despite the near-overwhelming myriad of possible replies.

She didn’t even know if it would be enough.

“Eve,” Lilith smiled again, tender and filled with what could only be… “When have I ever lied to you?”

And it was.

For the both of them, it was enough.

____________________

AAAAAAAAA HELLO!! YES THIS CHAPTER IS SHORT AT ONLY 1500+ WORDS BUT ALSO THIS WAS A REALLY GOOD PLACE TO END IT SO I’M SORRY ;--;

Taglist: @atahensic @anomiewrites @leahstypewriter @madame-ree @melpomenismask @littlemisscalamity @phillyinthebathroom @gaypeaches @extrabitterbrain @pirateofblood @i-wanna-be-a-rock

As a little side note tho, CHRISTMAS BREAK STARTS SOON!! I’m an atheist so I don’t actually celebrate it tho since I live with my very Catholic family who doesn’t know I’m an atheist i also sorta do,,,,, bUT THAT’S NOT WHAT THIS IS ABOUT!!!! I’m telling y’all about the break mostly because it starts on the sixteenth of December and ends two of January which is like,,,,,,, a lot of time to write so please stay tuned for that 💛

(Might drop a chapter on the twenty-fifth,, just for shits and giggles :P)

34 notes · View notes