#it's winter rn but wishing for spring again

[a-court-of-moonlight-and-ire]

What is UP moonlight and ire nation, Im being tormented by intrusive thoughts rn, so I have decided to read a chapter of A Court of Mist and Fury and hope they stop when Im done with this. Last time on the Flames and Darkness Liveblog we had Lucien finally finding Feyre and Feyre being needlessly cruel to him until he left again. also, Feyre used her Tamlin-powers to shapeshift herself a pair of wings and I think that was pretty much it, I feel like not a lot happens in these chapters tbh. And yet I always have so much to say to say about them... Whatever, lets get into this

Chapter 48

Is Feyre smelling the other people at this inn having sex? what kinda smells and noises is she talking about

Theyre in a village that consists of just the inn theyre staying at, a tailor, a grocery store and a brothel? I mean presumably theres actual houses there too but that doest seem right. Also, if its as in-the-middle-of-nowhere as Feyre claims, where the hell are they getting groceries and what kind of groceries are they selling

of course theres only ONE BED and its soooooo small oh noooo do you guys think theyre gonna have sex or what

Oh and of course Feyre cant demand that Rhysand sleep on the floor because its too small to even do that theyre gonna have the wildest sex, and by wildest sex I mean theyre both gonna squeeze each other into the bed under the comically small ceiling of this broomcloset of a room and lay on top of each other without moving like a sandwhch made out of just faemeat

I feel like a cape thats cut to fit around these bigass illyrian wings would lose a lot of its functionality tbh, unless it was like, a wrapping for the wings to protect them from the cold, but I dont think thats the case with Rhysand's cape, i think it either just has holes or is some kind of weird shape, but I feel like if your in these harsh winter winds, having a cape fluttering around your wings would be pretty distracting considering how sensitive supposedly they are

WAIT. do we count this cape as a new Rhys-outfit or do we not. Im on the fence because on one hand, he's just wearing it with his usual illyrian leathers and its really just an accessoire, like I wouldnt count what he wore in the CoN as a new outfit just because he wore a crown with his black tunic, but on the other hand, I feel like a cape can really drastically alter the look of an outfit in a way most other acessoires cant. let me know what you think

of COURSE feyre would call the hypothetical painting she would make of Rhysand 'Death on Fast Wings' im gonna commit a crime

'"I love it when you look at me like that. [...] Like there's no reason to run away from my power. Like you're looking at me."' Does this imply that Rhysand identifies with the descriptor 'death on fast wings' because idk that seems weird. then again, he is a weirdo

Rhysand's pronouns are death/incarnate <- thought that popped into my head while I was writing the previous bullet point

By far the worst part about this book are all the sections where Feyre will just suck Rhysand off for a paragraph, she would not fucking say that

'"No, [you weren't afraid of me]. You were nervous, but you weren't afraid. I've felt pure fear often enough that I know the difference. Maybe that's why I couldn't leave you alone."' god, rhysand is such a creepy little freak. and not the good kind either

Feyre is being all like "oh, sure, the bed isnt small but we couldnt possibly both sleep in it without completely getting into each other's personal space, especially with his wings" girl??? tell him to put those thangs away???

god this paragraph is so annoying 'Fae-men were possessive, dominant and arrogant but the men of the Spring Court had a certain disregard [for my wishes] laying beneath the the surface' my brother in christ you have been in two and a half (2 1/2) courts and you know seven (7) fae-men personally

Also, this part where Feyre is like "if I was wasting away and Rhysand just stood by without doing anything about it, Cassian and Azriel would've gotten involved and given him a piece of their minds" is so funny knowing whats gonna happen in acosf, like no they fucking wouldnt! what are you talking about!

Oh man it just occurred to me. this is the chapter where Feyre finds out theyre mates isnt it. Or like, this part whre theyre at this inn is when she finds out, Im pretty sure itll last for multiple chapters

"[Rhysand] saw right through Ianthe the moment he met her." yeah because she broke into his bedroom and sexually harassed him and just outright told him that she wanted to have his children for the sake of power ?? I would hope he would see through that

I feel like theres been this pattern in this book of Feyre only being able to compliment Rhys in contrast with Tamlin and its very strange because you would think that after speedrunning their relationship development and spending about 500 pages worth of time with him, she would be able to point out some of his positives without immediately connecting them to her ex's negatives, but I guess thats too much to ask of this ROMANCE

Like, I forgot if this was something Feyre already said or if this is still coming up but I know theres a point in this book where she's like "I think I just loved Tamlin pre-UTM because I was so broken and traumatized from my shitty homelife that I fell for the first person to show me some kindness" and that is not how their relationship felt in ACOTAR at all atleast in my opinion, but that definitely is how Feysand feels in this book

I really hate it when male characters are described as having "hard muscles" it sounds so unpleasant. im saying this primarily as someone who likes to read about characters cuddling and prefers it when theyre soft for that, but even if we're just talking smut, does having sex with a "hard" guy sound pleasant to you? or, well. you know what i mean

!! NEW RHYS-OUTFIT DROPPED !! hes wearing wide thin pants (even though theyre sleeping in an ice cold broom closet) and a tight cotton shirt, both of unspecified color

Oh yeah, Rhysand is just sooooooo powerful you guys, he needs to constantly use his magic otherwise itll just take him over and turn him into the joker

'Everyone at his Court had a use, some kind of great ability. And here I was, a strange, unpredictable hybrid that was more trouble than it's worth.' girl you are literally fae jesus what the hell are you talking about

Maybe Im just in a bad mood but this part where Rhys n Feyre are telling each other about how they would tear the world apart if they were ever forcefully seperated is so deeply annoying to me

Im not gonna translate the shit Rhysand just said to Feyre, tldr he thinks shes hot and wants to fuck her but the room is too small for that woe is him, and ughhhh. Im struggling to explain this in a way that doesnt make me sound puritanical, but something about the horniness of their relationship makes it feel really gross to me, its not just the fact that this relationship is horny because I can very much enjoy a horny fictional relationship sometimes, but the horny relationships that I usually enjoy are like, warm and pleasant from the eroticism of it all, Feysand is just kinda gross and sticky to me

Feyre's negative self-talk in regards to her feelings for Rhysand and Tamlin feels so forced, like cmon man, you keep talking about how much Tamlin sucks ass and how much better Rhys is for you how are you still experiencing any kind of inner conflict about this

Also, Feyre talking about how she was constantly thinking about Rhysand even before she left the spring court is just, a lie. does SJM not expect her readers to remember anything

Now theyre spooning and Feyre is stroking his wings and Rhysand is humping her and its like, this isnt sexy to me this is just kinda weird

bro how come Ive never seen anyone talk about Rhysand being like "I love your boobs so much, oh, you dont even know how much I love them" thats so funny

The rest of this chapter was just Rhysand fingering Feyre and honestly, it wasnt too bad, with the extreme proximity and him warming her up I can see why some people would find it hot but idk. its still a sjm smut scene and its german which makes it pretty unpleasant for me

#anti acotar #anti acomaf #anti sjm #anti feysand #flames and darkness liveblog

[bonesandthebees]

Hiii bee :D<3 it's been awhile omg ive had a lot of just personal family shit going on ON TOP OF ALL THE DSMP DRAMA so I've been hella burnt out but hey!!! It's finally starting to feel like spring which has been superrrr nice. Ik its technically winter but the cherry blossoms are starting to bloom which has been super lovely rahshshs

I went out to a nice bookstore a couple days ago and it was just really nice to do smth for myself again, you know?? And to get out of the house hahaha I've been stuck at home quite a bit lstely

I got this SUPER cute book, I opened it up bc I thought the title was silly and then I saw the inside and went Fuck. I have to buy this LMAODJFK

It's so lovely I like it sm<3

I was also really tempted to buy this other silly book bc it made me laugh but I didn't wanna spend too much money so I held off

But yeah!! I hope you've been taking care of yourself bee<3 this past month and a half has been ROUGH but it won't last!! There's so many possibilities for amazing things to happen in the near future<33

Much love to you and the rest of the bookclub!!

awwww hey icy!! sorry you've been going through some stuff, I figured you were taking a break bc of all the shit going on in the community but I'm glad you're doing okay!

also actually I'm pretty sure it's spring now? like we had the spring equinox the other day and isn't that the marker for when it's officially spring? and yay cherry blossoms! that sounds so lovely I wish we had those here

those are such cute books!! so glad you went out and got to indulge in some stuff for yourself. I've definitely been, uh, overindulging myself a little bit as of late but in my defense it's been a stressful month lmao. that bookshop looks lovely :D I got a new book myself from the store yesterday and I'm very excited to read it (I might even start reading it right after I finish the one I'm currently on bc it's another high fantasy sapphic book and I'm very entrenched in the female-centric fantasy world vibes rn)

so happy to hear from you icy <33

#ask #icyfox17

[gottagho-st]

it’s currently like 30ish degrees (celsius) but also storming which is Not Fun for the asthma, but it also got me thinking about the ghouls and weather which seems like a great way to distract myself from the humid misery i’m living rn lmfao

i know plenty of people have spoken about that kinda thing before but i wanted to add my thoughts :))

Only a couple of ghouls under the cut - I will probably add to this as I think of more ideas 🫶🦇

Mountain 🏔️

He’s an earth ghoul so as expected, he loves the changes that come with the transition from winter to spring. The way he can sit immersed in nature and feel the earth around him breathe back to life, the plants awakening from their slumber. Everything about spring is beautiful to him, that includes the endless days of rain and sunshine battling for dominance, even when he wishes the rain would cease to enjoy the warmth of the sun - he knows his plants need it.

I also think that he would sort of respect the opposite transition of the seasons, at the end of summer - once the time for harvest has come to a close - and the earth is preparing itself for the hardships of the winter. Autumn is quietly probably his favourite season of all, the beauty of his plants knowing that they must die back so that they may have the opportunity to flourish when the time is right again. He could spend quiet hours in the greenhouses, revelling in the shelter they provide whilst he is still immersed in the crisp air of fall, bundled against cool gusts of wind. he would prepare all of his ‘drama-queen’ plants with such tender care, how could he not adore this time of year?

Dewdrop 🔥

Depends on his mood - when he was still water it was always the sunniest, hottest days that he found himself looking forward to, simply because it meant an opportunity to not only immerse himself in his element to cool off, but the rest of the pack tended to join him down at the lake when it was hot enough. He loved to be there with his family and his element all rolled into one!

Once he transitioned, he started to resent heat more - he could never escape it now, and the cool waters of the lake that once were comforting now seem to make his skin crawl. So when he’s most comforted as a fire ghoul is long wintery nights, after a slight dusting of snow. Those are the evenings where he feels the most valuable, providing his pack with warmth and love whilst they huddle together. However, if he is already vulnerable, the snow is simply too much for him to handle, the way he once could walk out and feel in kiss his skin if he so wished, ripped away after the transition. Icy particles long turned to steam before they reach his body. At these times, what he craves most his a gentle evening breeze, the kind at the end of summer, where he feels most at peace with the flames flowing through his veins.

Cirrus 🌪️

She is of course very attuned to the air itself, the atmosphere and its behaviour influences her very soul. However, Cirrus was born of the tempestuous winds of the Pit, so while she is enthralled by the gentlest of gusts rolling in over the lake, her body and heart and soul sing at the first signs of a storm on the horizon.

Her favourites are those with less rain - although hail and sometimes even snow make the phenomenon even more interesting to her. Simple storms that whip her hair from its braids with the power of their winds, when she can taste the electricity in the air before every devastatingly beautiful strike of lightning, with the rumble of thunder overhead, those are the ones that she cherishes most. It’s even better in the evenings, just after the sun has sunk into the earth, when she can sit just beyond the abbey’s doors and immerse herself in her element.

Aurora 🌌

The pack all expected her to be the type of ghoul to enjoy the picture-perfect ‘just warm enough’ spring days, and she does cherish those, for they are when she gets to spend precious time with her family, all of them drawn outside to help mountain with whichever project is most pressing at the time. However, she has come to realise over her time topside, that she sees herself in the heaviest of rains, when torrents come pouring from above, soaking the earth and everything on it, blocking the blue of the sky with only grey. Her heart yearns for the days throughout autumn where it is not yet cold enough for snow, and she can relish in the steady beat provided by water cascading over the grounds laid out around the abbey.

She doesn’t simply watch and listen though. No, Aurora is always able to be found out in the grassy fields by the greenhouses, dancing in the downpour - a ritual of worship to the Lord below for providing her the freedom to experience the changes in climate topside. Originating from a perpetually parched, dry desert within the pit, her heart swells at the opportunity to become drenched by nature itself.

#the band ghost #nameless ghouls #nameless ghoul headcanons #spooks ramblin’ #spooks hcs #ghost band #mountain ghoul #dewdrop ghoul #cirrus ghoulette #aurora ghoulette

[anothermonikan]

I really wish season affective disorder / seasonal depression wasn't so like....assumed? Like man. It's fine IG I do understand what it's like, just not in the same season!

I see posts on here all the time that are like 'Oh, if you're feeling shit rn remember it's seasonal!' and like 'Winter will be over soon and we'll have glorious spring again!' and I gotta step back and remind myself that these posts aren't for me and that's fine, I can make my own posts!

But man. Existing in Autumn/Fall and Winter as someone who almost definitely has reverse-SAD kinda fucking sucks! Cause you're surrounded by people who kind of just assume you find winter as miserable as they do and start conversations about how MISERABLE the weather is and how AWFUL it is that it gets dark early now and I just gotta like, tolerate that and be like 'Oh yeah..', sometimes if I'm feeling a lil argumentative I'll express that I actually like winter and don't like summer and sometimes explain why, everyone usually looks at me like I'm insane and tries to correct me on my own feelings like...man! That really sucks!! You don't see anyone doing that to people who don't like winter!! It's a default you're expected to agree with!!

I got an email, obviously just like a universal one sent out to everyone, that wished us well 'in the dark and miserable winter days' and that 'spring follows winter and it will get better' and like. man. It DOESN'T get better for me!! It gets worse!! But noooo everyone hates winter it's objectively the worse and spring and summer are objectively good and nice! Fuck you!!

#gwahhh. sorry. It peeved me a lot aha #Already dreading it gwah :(((( #I need to enjoy what I have now <333 #cjdsjdshjsdhsdhds #vent #ish #Android.txt

[starrrberry]

golden hour

hello all. i have writing ! nice writing not man i wanna kill someone rn writing. no tws (for once) words : 564. what else please reblog if you like it ig it helps <3 enjoy!

Every day, when I wake up, the sun will rise like it always does, without fail. For a long time, I hated it, I hated the way that it would constantly shine for me from its sanctuary of rosy pinks and soft blues, while I was trapped in a bleak prison full of dying nature. It was cruel really, this huge ball of gas had the audacity to smile down at me while incinerating everything around for endless miles. Admittedly, there were times when it was beautiful. Mostly when it was setting, when it bathed my gloomy life in sunlight, when gold and orange washed away the shadows and I could feel pure light trickling down my skin. So for all its faults (primarily causing life threatening heat waves and rushing the world with floods) it was undeniably breathtaking at the best of times. But most of the time, I was quite pessimistic. How could I not be? The vivid flowers that used to bloom at my feet with every step were drying up and turning brown, wilting into the scorched soil. Vibrant grass became brittle and dry as it was stomped into the ground by over-excited children and bustling adults heading to work in the morning. Seeing the world rundown and frail without a care from anyone else always sends a shot of anger rushing to my brain, and I never really know what to do with it. Every time I looked outside my window and watched the colour draining from every single leaf and petal, I wished for something that would help me shake off the cynicism dragging my limbs down; in those moments, I wanted something more than survival. I wanted to live. Time dragged on this way for a while, from the beginning of autumn all throughout winter. It felt as though it would go on forever, this feeling of hopelessness and anger towards the world, until I woke up one spring day and everything just felt so… right. Glittering ribbons of sunlight streamed through the cracks in my blinds, illuminating my face and melting the wooziness from my brain like overnight snow on a bright morning. Flowers were dazzling once again, delicately woven between silky blades of grass. Fuzzy bees flew dizzying paths through open blue skies, and everything came alive in the light breeze that ran through my hair. Honestly, it was like this a lot of the time during spring. But this was the first time I truly felt it. Nothing will beat the time before sunset though. Recently, I found it was called the “golden hour”, which I think is a perfect name for it! The golden hour, a loving hand that reached out to me when I was stuck in my head, the beginning of my realisation that maybe, the world wasn’t as bad as I made it out to be. It was the time that left me floating, basking in warm sunlight, a time where I was free to let go and feel the soft yellows seep into my bones. At some point, the gold gushing through my veins became my lifeblood, it let me see the world in an entirely new way. Sure, there are days where I feel angry and empty once again, but every day, when I wake up, I know the sun will rise like it always does, without fail.

taglist: @lychniscitrus @funky-writer-man @nicola-writes @abysslll @whatslovegotodowithus (lmk if u wanna be +/-)

#springtime #spring #writing #writblr #creative writing #season change #man idk uh #writeblr #writing community #writers of tumblr #golden hour #my writing

[welightthefire]

Thank you for tagging me @streamingcolors-gvf 😘

I think it might be fun to look back on what we’ve all achieved this year, let you give yourselves a well deserved pat on the back and also share what you love. When you’re done maybe tag someone else so they can share too?

1. How do you feel 2022 has gone in terms of writing?

Ohh boy. I feel like in the beginning of the year, I hit the ground running. I had a lot of ideas and motivation, passion even, and was putting out my best work. Throughout the summer, mostly near the end, I started to lose steam and imagination and that’s something I’m struggling to navigate through right now. I’m hoping 2023 brings a refreshing bit of inspiration that I can really work with.

2. What pieces are you proudest of this year? It can be a shot/blurb/headcannon, a whole series or even a specific chapter.

Table For Two, without a shadow of a doubt. It was an idea that I came up with last November and sat on for quite awhile. I knew it was going to be a huge project and I wanted to collaborate with someone on it. I’m not the most sociable on here, so I mostly just posted my other writings for awhile and then the most beautiful soul showed up outta nowhere in April and not only did she quickly become one of my absolute best friends, she became the best co-author I could ever ask for to help me bring this idea to fruition.

3. Is there anything you posted that you wish had reached more people? (No such thing as a flop here!) Shout it out, it might catch a new pair of eyes!

Again, Table For Two. I have so much love for the group of readers following along in the adventures of the twins and Syd (and poor Sam), but it’s something that I am so incredibly proud of that I simply want everyone to read it.

4. Can you give us a hint of anything coming before the end of the year? Maybe even a little taster?

You’ll definitely get an update or two from @allieboop and I for TFT, maybe even the end of the series!! I’m also working on a Danny x reader blurb that will be out in the next week or so and a little secret something else, but I can’t say much of anything about it. 🤫

5. Are you setting any writing goals for next year, or just going with the flow? If you are, what are they?

I’m hoping to build my masterlist more. I have some works already in progress which you’ll see on the pinned post on my page, however they won’t be posted until late-winter/spring.

6. Do you have any one shots or finished pieces you're tempted to expand on or revisit next year?

Teach Me Tonight will be getting a part two once TFT is wrapped up and I get some of these other works out. There are some other things floating up in the air, but we’ll just have to see how things turn out first.

7. Is there anything new you're tempted to try out? A new style/trope/AU/another person in the fandom?

I would really love to try my hand at an enemies to lovers trope!! I’m such a sucker for angst when it comes to reading, however, I do find myself struggling to write it sometimes. I have such a fluffy soul lol

8. Now to hype some other writers! What's a piece you read back in the first half of the year that you can shout out?

Amongst The Stars by @samkiszkasfacialhair hands down. It was posted on my birthday this year and to this day, it is the most gut-wrenching piece yet stands as my favorite thing I’ve ever read on this hellsite.

9. And how about something you've read more recently?

Pink Lemonade (WIP) by @garbagevanfleet

Ego (all 3 Parts) by @allieboop

Seven (WIP) by @stardustchordssammy

The Number One Rule by @streamingcolors-gvf and @allieboop

10. A fun one to finish...If you could insert yourself into any fic in the fandom, which would it be and what do you think would happen?

Boys of Summer (WIP) by @streamingcolors-gvf

My girl is in the process of writing a slow burn and confusing the hell out of me and I have NO IDEA what’s going on rn or what to expect, but I can tell you (and she knows this) that I would end up with Jake 😌

Tagging @samkiszkasfacialhair, @stardustbarbarians, and @mintysammykiszka (apologies if you’ve already been tagged)

[meowzfordayz]

Hey T, sorry It’s been so long! I’m finally on winter break so I have a chance to stop by again!! ^^

Touching briefly on one of our last topics (I don’t want to hold you down on it just in case it’s irrelevant now 😅), I believe we were talking about nature? running over nature 👀 Sorry to hear about the smooshed chipmunk and squirrel!~ accidentally stepping on an animal’s paw/tail is guilting enough so I can’t imagine running one over 🫢

Also yes! The burnout is doing much better (mostly due to break); I’m just trying not to think too hard about my AP Chem final (class avg was 52% 😶‍🌫️). Ik you’re taking orgo chem, so I def feel you on the struggles with anything chem-related! 😅🥲 Funnily enough though, I just attended my chem teacher’s wedding this weekend after finals with two of my friends (she’s the one really sweet/awesome young teacher who watches anime that everyone loves)! She was really ecstatic to see us there, so I’m glad we got to go! ☺️☺️

Last I checked, you were balancing quite a lot (rock climbing, writing, work, academics, etc.) and said you were feeling burnt out, so I hope you’ve been able to maintain that grind 💪 and that your burnout gotten better? 🥺 (Congrats on that 40/40 on your psych exam tho!! 😍) I did read you’re recovering from recent sickness, however, and I’m very sorry to hear that! Wishing you a fast full recovery soon!! 💕💕 Other than that, how’ve you been?? (Hopefully doing well, or relatively well!)

- 💜

Hii !! 😁 Finally getting around to answering this... m'guessing you've started spring semester by now? 😝

#riperoni 💀 The worst I've done on a chem final was 65%, and that's only bc the prof curved it. 🥴 Congrats tho to your chem teacher !! 🥳

Still keeping up w/ rock climbing, writing, work, uni, etc, but burnout isn't too terrible... yet !! 🙃 I was actually sick again my first weekend back — hopefully that's as bad as my burnout gets. 😂

Running on not-a-lot-of-sleep rn, so pardon my lack of enthusiasm, but Imma sign off here. 😴

Sending you terrific Thursday vibes — hang in there !! 💞

#answered by T #anon: 💜

[autumncalls]

2, 3, 10, 14 & 34 for the music-themed asks? 🎶

Thank you 😊

2. an album you wish you could hear again for the first time

Oh, this is a tough one, but I'm going with Second Nature by Flying Colors

3. a song you really like by an artist you otherwise don’t listen to very much (whether that’s because you usually don’t like their music, or just because you haven’t listened to the rest yet)

Blinding Lights by The Weeknd, I just don't listen to a lot of mainstream pop music but this one is just really catchy

10. what was your first concert?

Empire of the Sun in 2011 I think?

14. is there any band/musician who you really strongly dislike? if so, why?

Not really any I can think of rn

34. pick one of your favorite bands/artists and choose a song by them that you associate with each season

I'm going with Bastille for this, they don't necessarily make sense for the seasons but I listened to them a lot in the corresponding one so I associate them with it for that reason

Spring: Glory

Summer: The Divide

Autumn: survivin'

Winter: The Anchor

#ask #answered #about me

[sugarmint-dreams]

spring day 🌸

-

my shop

#artists on tumblr #my art #original artwork #cats artwork #it's winter rn but wishing for spring again

[yutadori]

i know i say this every other week but i am once again considering not doing school this semes <3

#HELP..... HHHH #god i am just .. #if i really go through with it then i wont be in class until spring bc winter classes are 5 weeks and no way and i doing that online #and then itll be a whole year since ill have gone to school.... ah... #LIKE i feel like theres pretty much ? no difference between doing it now or in spring . #but Also i have noticed that winter badly affects my mood so . doing online classes at home would not... be gweat.... #hhhhh aaaaa #i saw some ppl talking abt worrying abt going back to school and it just reactivated this again hhhh #i wish i could just Not Attend but id feel so so bad about it hhhhhhh #even though !! i know that its okay to not go to school rn... hhh #i also just dislike how everyone feels so much more pressure regarding school during a time like this... hhhh aaaaa #sun texts

[forcedtoland]

Hello! Do you know of any manhwa with canon sapphic relationships? Or at least any where it is hinted at? I'm rereading Your Throne and although I stand by it, I know Psydea is not going to happen 😭

hi!!!

first of all, let me live in peaceful ignorance and pretend that psydea is endgame. it is. i hope.

for your actual question, i wish i had a clear list to give you:(

i don't read that much manhwas in the first place, and i don't think i've actually ever read a sapphic one unfortunately.

i'm not sure if you were asking for your throne-like recs or just sapphic recs in general. like, i personally really love fantasy/etc. and plot-focused stories where the romance is just secondary. and i've noticed that those are extremely hard to find with wlw couples... i usually see a lot more contemporary romances.

BUT i did a bit of research, and found these 2 titles!

her tale of shim chong

ghosts of greywoods

both seem to be historical dramas.

however, i have not read them (although i now plan to) so i really can't give my opinion on them, or give you content warnings (they might have nsfw content for all i know so be careful if you don’t want that!)

i hate to give recs blindly like that so please make sure to look these things up!

a manhua i also see recommended a lot is tamen de gushi — i believe this one is a contemporary romance but same thing goes for what i said earlier since i haven't read it yet

to compensate for the lack of manhwas, here are some sapphic webtoons i've read, if you're interested!

the one i want to mainly mention is nevermore

it's a new webtoon so only 5 chapters are out for now, but it might easily be a new favorite of mine. it's a spooky gothic romance?? with paranormal elements?? references to edgar allan poe????? i love it so so much so far and i really recommend it.

the characters basically get stuck in this place after they die, where they get enrolled in "nevermore academy" — if they pass, they get a 2nd chance at life. also spectres. not sure how this is going to come into play but i'm really invested already.

the other webtoons listed here are more lighthearted! but they're all really good:

always human (romance with a futuristic scifi setting)

high class homos (comedy + royalty + a lot of lgbtq rep with both wlw and mlm romance)

dazzle me (contemporary romance) - on canvas

what's a soulmate (contemporary romance) - on canvas

there is also savior (a manhwa on webtoon) — i hesitated adding this one because it is NOT a romance and i do not want to class it as one.

it's a supernatural fantasy? the mc is a vampire and the relationship between the girls is very much toxic / obsessive.

if you like thrillers though, and read it as one, it's really interesting in terms of plot and characters, so i thought i'd mention it. (especially since your throne is pretty dark so that might be something you enjoy)

cw: blood, violence, kidnapping, domestic abuse (it's all i can think of rn but webtoon usually has cws when needed at the top of the chapter)

and then here are a few webtoons that are on my list which i have NOT read yet. so again, no idea how good they are/etc. all of the ones after the first 2 are on canvas.

muted

not so shoujo love story

kiss it goodbye

winter before spring

vampire girlfriends

diamond dive

this ended up being long, and it's probably not the answer you were looking for, but even if i didn't have sapphic manhwas i couldn't leave you without ANY recs >:(

hopefully, you'll be able to find something you like. and even more hopefully, someone on tumblr might see my post and reply with more recs, maybe even manhwas come on internet do your thing

#asks #sapphic manhwa #wlw manhwa #your throne #sapphic webtoon #wlw webtoon #adding all the tags i can think of so someone will reply with recs #webtoons #manhwas #webcomics #PLEASE #give the sapphics (me) what they need #i still believe in psydea though #psydea

[thenyxsky]

HELL’S EMBRACE. ( 1 )

a dsmp!dream x fem!reader au.

SUMMARY: dreams occur during temporary death; it seems even a god cannot escape a puppeteer.

WARNINGS: written by someone who hasn’t watched mcyt in a longass time; somewhat rushed; potentially ooc dsmp!dream; mentions of dsmp!dream's manipulative tendencies; mentions of death + potentially more.

WORD COUNT: 1.3k words, 7.5k characters

AUTHOR’S NOTE:

this was lowkey reminiscent of a techno oneshot i wrote back in wattpad :0 ppl who've read my wp mcyt book yk what i’m talking ab >:)

speaking of,, if you’re new i don’t usually write mcyt! i left the fandom a while ago :) i only wrote this for the nostalgia and @sushisoot‘s dsmp writing event! (prompt: when you asked me for help, i didn’t think you meant it like this. yes i'm well aware the quote isn't in this part yet.) this is probably going to become a series because . i cannot find it in me to finish an 8k word oneshot rn i’m sorry LMAO

hope u guys enjoy regardless though!

✧ BACK TO MASTERLIST

They say that when you dance with Death, she is warm. Not in the sense of warm hands or warm skin, but rather warm smiles that remind you of your lover’s coat embracing you in the winter, or a goodnight kiss ghosting over your forehead. It is an empty warmth, a bittersweet gentleness that is reminiscent of partings where you don’t know when you’ll meet again (in a year? In a decade? Or perhaps in a century, when your ashes mix together, a union in the frigid breeze.) or whether you will meet again at all. A sense of nostalgia as her hands, thick and calloused from wielding her infamous scythe, land on your waist, and you are whisked away to picnics beneath the soft spring sun and a hearty meal shared between close friends.

But then, as you part for a spin, you feel the air go stale. The music slows, the vinyl crackles, and there is something about the slight downturn of her lips that makes your heart clench in your chest. Death turns sour. Death, so suddenly, turns cold. Death does not catch you when you expect her to, when you are spinning on your heels—instead, she mouths something you cannot catch. She is frowning. You trip over your feet, you crash into the floor—

(Goodbye, Death whispers.)

—and as you wake from her temporary hold, hands scrabbling at your bedsheets, you cannot help but think of Death, who had stood and watched as you’d fallen back to the land of the living.

You cannot help but think that she had looked so terribly alone.

✧

Death, in her earliest moments, is warm. (Kiss your lover goodnight beneath the moonlight and watch them fade into the shadow; pick the dried grapes from your best friend's plate because you know they hate them; tuck a lavender from when you’d danced in the fields between the pages of your book and watch it crumble; this is the warmth she emits.)

It is Death in her later moments that is cold.

No longer does she smile, soft and empty and bittersweet all at the same time. Instead, she looks on with an air of indifference, eyes narrowed and hands folded, that has you wondering if you had done her any wrong. Death in her later moments is so full of sorrow and anger and everything wrong in the world that you cannot help but apologise when her grief-stricken focus lands on you. (Angered sobs of a heartbroken lover into a pillow; faded pictures torn into two haphazardly pieced together by shaky hands; you cannot help but be so sad on their behalf, to cry because they cannot afford to; this is the cold that she emits.)

Though Dream has always thought himself lucky, he is no fool to think he will be so forever. Fight a hundred wars, gain a dozen scars. Thin the emotions of friends until you can use them as you wish (Puppet strings. That’s what people call them, yes? They are his marionettes, and he is the puppeteer. What a foolish puppeteer he’s been as well, assuming they will hang limp from his hands forever), threading them between your fingers, and soon enough they will come back to bite you—they wrap around your neck and suddenly you are choking on guilt and sin and the silent curses of those you’ve wronged.

Dream is lucky, yes, but luck runs dry sooner or later.

How unfortunate that his basin of Fortuna runs empty when he visits Death.

✧

Today, Death is cold.

“Mortal,” she greets. For a moment, he wonders if the wet tracks that draw past her flushed cheeks are old or new. The shine of silver tears lining the bottom of her eyes answers his musings. Despite this revelation, Dream finds that her voice remains steady, calm. “What do you need this time?”

His brow arches. “I can’t just visit you because I want to?”

She purses her lips. Dream imagines it’s because she’s holding back a sigh. “I doubt you would risk a precious, mortal life just to visit someone like me. As much as I would like to believe it so, people like you don’t often do favors out of the kindness of their hearts. So?” Death narrows her eyes at him beneath the veil that disguises the planes of her face. (She wears a mask just as he does. Does she know how alike they are, in the grand scheme of things?) “What is it you want this time?”

This time, Dream is the one who refrains from sighing. Gods never have been too patient (gods never have been too understanding), and Death is no exception. Perhaps, once upon a time, she could have been. (Patient, understanding. Kind. Almost mortal-like, if you dream a little harder.) But this is no fairy tale, and she is not a villain who yearns for redemption. This is real life, and she is a god who sits upon a throne so far into the heavens that he cannot touch it, even if he dedicates his entire life to trying. And Dream has a feeling that she won’t be stepping off of it any time soon.

“A favor,” he finally answers.

Her face is as expressionless as ever.

“A favor,” she says slowly, as if testing the flavor of his words. Dream wonders, for a moment, if she finds them bitter or salty—sour or sweet. How she interprets them will decide his fate, after all. “You ask for a favor?”

He nods. “Yes.”

“So soon after the last?”

“I need it right now.”

A bitter—but amused—chuckle slips past her lips. (Is that how his words tasted to her?) “You’re really that desperate?”

Dream decides to swallow his pride. It’s of no use right now, anyway. “Yes.”

“Interesting,” is all she says, before her lips press together and silence descends upon them. It stretches on for far too long—Dream would’ve been unnerved by the unnaturally long pause, if not for the fact he was used to such things with people like her. (Gods, a voice in his head hisses.)

He moves to say something, but she beats him to it.

“Is it a want, or a need?”

Dream blinks. “What?”

“This... favor you ask me for”—the way she says it almost makes Dream regret going there—“is it a want or a need?”

He swallows his pride again. “I—I told you I needed it.”

“Do you really?” Despite the fabric shadow that stretches across her face, Dream catches the glint in her eyes. It’s cold, and so bright it shines past her veil. It also sends shivers up his spine. “Or is your greed speaking on your behalf again?”

“I’m not—”

“Don’t forget the favors you owe me, Dream. You think it’s slipped my mind? You dared trick a god once, but that was with Fortuna’s assistance, and even then you barely managed to come out unscathed.” The scar across his back stings with phantom pain. “You think you can get away with it again?” When he remains silent, she scoffs. “The arrogance of mortals never fails to astound me.”

“This isn’t arrogance,” he protests, but his throat is dry (from—what, anxiety?) and his voice comes out hoarse as a result. Oh, how weak he sounds. It's almost pitiful. “And it’s not greed, either. I really do need it.”

“Do you truly?”

“Yes.”

She sighs. “What a shame, then.”

It takes a moment for her words to register. And when they do, Dream doesn’t think he’s ever felt so terrified.

“What?”

Death merely clicks her tongue. “You should’ve thought ahead, Dream. Mortals who think they are gods always climb the highest. They fall the furthest, too, and you are no exception.” Her body begins to disperse into black smoke; Dream feels as if he’s floating. No—flying. He curses. He should’ve known it would have gone this way.

“Come back when you’ve fulfilled your end of our deal,” Death’s voice says as he melts into shadow. “Maybe then I will consider making you another one.”

Her words echo in his mind as he bolt up in his bed. His puppeteer hands scrabble for the sheets. He thinks of her veiled face; the face of Death. The face of a god.

She does not seem so lonely anymore.

it is cold. death is cold.

and now, dream is doomed to live in her frigid winter forever.

#thenyxsky #dream smp #dsmp #dsmp fanfic #dream x y/n #dream x you #dream x reader #dsmp!dream #dream smp x reader #dsmp x reader #dsmp au #dream smp au #dsmp!dream x reader #dsmp!dream x you #dsmp!dream x y/n #i have no idea what i'm doing can u tell #been so long since i've written for mcyt LMAOO #probably got dream's wholeass personality wrong brb crying

[nxrthmizu]

| he loves you | tsukishima.k

pairing | tsukishima kei x reader 

w.c | 771

genre | pure flOOF ! 

author’s note | i’m feeling sOFt for beanpole rn 

────────

TSUKISHIMA KEI loves you very, very much. he doesn’t know how to tell you, because he’s a stubborn arse who has to keep up his cold facade, but that doesn’t mean he can’t use words to express just how much he loves you. 

────────

he loves you when spring graces the streets that lead to home; when sakura trees blossom into lovely whites and romantic pinks that paint a scene right out of a rom-com movie. 

he loves you when you glance around to make sure none of his acquaintances are nearby, and he loves you even more when your fingers thread through his shyly, a blush brighter than the red of his bag erupting across your cheeks. 

he loves you when it’s 5am and you’re awake much earlier than you need to be, just so that the two of you can walk to school together without anyone seeing (and also to make sure he shows up on time for morning practice!). 

he loves you when he opens his locker, after finishing volleyball practice, to find a carefully-sealed box of his favourite strawberry cake waiting for him, a ribbon and a note on top to add a sprinkle of your affection for him to smile about on the journey home (hinata asks for a bite; he receives a sharp glare that kei does not regret). 

────────

he loves you when its’ summer and the sun is unforgiving, merciless— and his phone vibrates consistently with reminders from you to drink more water. 

he loves you when your face pops up on his phone screen in a video call, and as discreetly as possible, he takes a screenshot and tucks it carefully into a folder titled with your name. 

he loves you when you let him choose what movie to watch, and he promises under his breath that he’s going to love you forever when he picks [the good dinosaur] for the trillionth time and you don’t complain. 

he loves you when you respond to his texts at midnight, typing out a misspelled ‘i lobe you’ in response to his properly-spelled ‘i love you’, followed by a groggy ‘go to sleep, kei, its’ 12’. 

he loves you when you glare at him for ruffling and messing up your hair again, but being scolded it all worth it when he gets to see that angry, cute lil’ pout on your lips. 

────────

he loves you when the change of seasons come again and miyagi is dipped into the palette of autumn, the slightest clouds of breath starting to form in the air as a forecast for the oncoming winter. 

he loves you when you chastise him for forgetting his scarf, and he promises, under his breath, that he’s going to marry you one day, when you pull a spare scarf out of your bag, saying that you just knew he was going to forget his. 

he loves you when you go over to his house for his birthday— his mother fusses over you and you respond in kind, smiles and laughter filling the front steps of the tsukishima home.

he loves you when you engage in conversation with the rest of his family (as difficult and pushy as they can be), chattering and chirping happily just like you’ve been part of the family dinners all along.

he loves you when you coo over his collection of dinosaur memorabilia, and his heart nearly bursts when you take the time to learn the names of each one (he would also like to add that sir. spikey, mr. long-neck, and billy the elasmosaurus really appreciated that you took the time to know them.)

────────

he loves you when winter rolls around at last, and you shyly present him with matching amulets, bought at the shrine on new years’ eve. 

he loves you when the two of you visit the shrine together, hands clasped in each others’— and god, his heart is yours forever when he hears you whisper under your breath for another year filled with happy memories with him (he wishes for another happy year with you, too). 

he loves you when you’re sitting under the night sky, snow drifting down to grace the land just as the clock strikes twelve— and with a startle, he realises that you’re kissing him... before he knows it, he’s kissing you back, cheeks flushed as red cherries when the two of you pull back. 

he loves you so much it hurts when you whisper to him ‘i love you’ as the watch on his hand ticks into 00.01 of the new year. 

────────

IN CONCLUSION, tsukishima kei loves you very, very, very much. 

────────

haikyuu!! gen taglist: @haru-senji @hikari-writes @whootwhoot @folkloeren @definitely-yours ​@knmiakira @rirk-ke @cemeiia [Send an ask to be added to by general haikyuu!! taglist]

#haikyuu #haikyuu!! #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu!! x reader #tsukishima #tsukishima kei #karasuno #tsukishima fluff #tsukishima x reader #tsukishima kei x reader #tsukishima x reader fluff #tsukishima kei x reader fluff #karasuno x reader #karasuno fluff #[ris writes]—✧

[whatifyoulivelikethat]

an anon in the midst of depression

something that really sucks is that rn i'm going thru The Depression of My Life and my parents don't seem to get it. i wish my mum would try to listen to what i say and not just make everything about her, you know? ever since she divorced my dad, everything bad is somehow about him and she is always the victim. it's really tiring. i am tired, really fucking tired. i try to see the bright side of things, but even reading fanfiction is hard for me right now. fuck, i can't shower or eat or even sleep right. i legit don't know what to do, how to go on. alone. if this is life, how do i live it? if this is how it's gonna be, i'd rather just drop dead.

idk just felt like letting this out of my chest. it's not your responsability.

(i've been watching euphoria and jk's euphoria started playing and my brain did a whole thing and i ended up here)

bye 👋🏻👋🏿

I'm writing this while listening to Spring Day.

I know what you're going through right now is not my responsibility. I know you didn't ask for advice. I don't think you sent this to even get an answer. XD I simply felt like saying something, so I hope you're fine with that.

To be honest, life doesn't have answers. It has a fucking lot of questions and you can choose to find answers too them... or not. You're not required to have an answer to everything. And you won't. That's the nature of living.

I wish I could tell you someone will "get it". It would be nice if someone could understand. Truth is, no one will get it. That's because there's only one you and only one life you live in your own way. No one can live your life for you. When you are no longer here, no one gets all the "good" or the "bad" you left behind. It simply disappears into nothing.

Your mother went through a divorce and the way she copes is to complain about her ex to her child. You happen to be there; you have familial ties / a sense of responsibility / financial needs / etc, so you are forced to listen. It's probably not the best thing for her to do, but it is easy. Everyone wants to take the easy way out. It's easy. Right or wrong, the path of least resistance usually wins. I don't know your mother. I don't think she's a bad person. She's tired, like you.

When I was going through the darkest time in my life, I too felt alone. I was alone. When you're there, you don't want anyone else to be there with you, in fear of lashing out at them, in fear of them feeling what you feel, in fear of believing that this is it, that you will never have the strength to walk forward again. Was it you who made yourself this weak, surely not, and you think it's something else, it has to be, but deep down you fear - what if this is me, what if this is all I am?

It's so hard when you realize that you are, indeed, alone.

But, you know, I'll tell you a secret.

Even if all these things are true, even if all these shadows are within you, it means that you can also be the light. The concept of darkness wouldn't exist unless the concept of light is true. Winter comes. It is freezing, everything dies, but spring will come too, and everything grows back, slowly.

I know it's true, because I was there too.

I'll tell you though, the light that you find is yours, well, it might not be what you expect. It might not be that grand. It might just be the simple happiness of eating the food you enjoy, playing video games you love, writing porn about seven guys in Korea that don't know you exist! XD

It's okay to live a simple life, to have your own morals, to feel happy or sad when there's no reason to, to laze about and feel not so great, to feel what you feel right now. Funnily enough, there might come a point to where you're tired of being depressed. At least that is what happened to me. I got to a point where I thought, what am I doing, so what if I'm weird and not quite right in the head and don't have any big aspirations? So fucking what? You can make mistakes, you can feel like shit, you can make bad choices and eat a whole box of family size Cheez-Its by yourself in only two days.

I mean... maybe don't let that be your brand...

But, also, I can't really stop you, can I? XD

You can just be, whatever you want, however you want, whoever you want. And maybe you are not where you want to be right now, but you can be tired, you can be sad, you can try again tomorrow, or in a couple hours, or whenever you're ready.

You can.

(I hope you heard that in Yoongi's voice. :D)

I made it. I think you can make it too, if you believe a little more. And, anytime you want, you can come here. We can watch the snow fall as we wait for your winter to pass, little by little.

[spencersawkward]

mgg fluff!!! like maybe a super cute romantic date where you both dress up or something like that 🥺

I’ve been writing so much smut the idea of writing a scenario without sex is actually feeling foreign rn WOW lmao ok this was fun to write. here’s some fancy-date pure fluff for you, babe!

summary: Matthew takes reader out for a fancy dinner, and the two make the most of their evening together. 

word count: 2.1k

content warnings: none! short but sweet. 

I swipe the glossy red shade over my lower lip, touching up my makeup before we head out tonight. despite the fact that we’ve been dating for a few months now, the idea of Matthew taking me out to eat-- really taking me out-- is making me positively giddy.

capping the tube and doing a quick once-over in the mirror, I admire the dress I’m wearing. it’s new, something I may or may not have splurged on after work today. it’s a creamy, inky shade, the color of pitch with an open back that I would normally never deign to wear. but something about it, the way the fabric sits against my shoulder blades, makes me confident.

after fluffing up my hair a little, I move into the living room to join my boyfriend. he’s fixing one of his monogrammed cuff links, and he looks up at the sound of my footsteps.

his eyes run over me, the bloom of my mouth and the dress, and he smiles dreamily, not saying anything. my stomach is overflowing with butterflies as I look at him in his suit, so well-dressed. we stare at each other for a moment.

“so?” I grin, walking over to him and running my hands up his chest. “how do I look?”

“you...” his gaze flickers to my pout, then my form. “you’re an angel.”

I reach up and am about to kiss his cheek when I remember that I’ve got lipstick on. “I’ll kiss you later.”

“that’s fine,” he sighs, then takes my hand and spins me around in front of him. “I’m still in shock from how beautiful you are!” he says the last few words in his stupid monster voice, reaching out and tickling my sides while he pulls me into him.

“Matthew!” I squeal, trying to breathe through the laughter. he knows I’m especially ticklish. once he finally relents, I look up at him with a huge smile on my face. sometimes I feel like I’m dreaming with him.

“we’re gonna be late, baby.” he tugs on my earlobe playfully before taking my hand again and leading me into the entryway so we can put our coats on. winter is just starting, dusting the sidewalks with fluffy snow and blowing wind in our faces as we start walking to the car. he holds the door open, as usual, and before long, we’re off to the restaurant.

even though Matthew is a bit of a reckless driver, I trust him. I’ve never told him this, but I love the way he places his hand on the back of my seat and turns around to assess the road behind him before he pulls out. something about it makes my blood warm up. he catches me looking, smiles and asks if I’m okay.

I’m fucking fabulous.

the restaurant is way fancier than I even imagined: cavernous ceilings that drip with chandeliers and walls covered in expensive-looking art. velvet curtains cover the windows, creating a wine-red ambiance of jazz and gentle conversation.

I must look dumb just staring at everything, but Matthew goes to the maitre d’ and gets our reservation ready. we never go on dates this fancy; most of the time, we stay in and binge watch old movies or play board games or just talk. he said he wanted to treat me, though, so I’m more than happy to go along with it.

part of me feels slightly out-of-place as the host leads us to a secluded table, walking past rich-looking couples or groups of people who appear to be socialites. as much as I wish I could blend in with this crowd, I keep worrying that I’m going to trip or somehow break something. elegant situations tend to make me especially clumsy.

once we’re seated and handed our menus, the host leaves us to talk.

“wow.” my eyebrows raise as I check out the options. Matthew looks up.

“what?”

“this place is fancy.” the corners of my mouth tug upwards. some of the items are in French, which makes the process even harder to untangle.

“too much?” he’s a bit wary as he asks, like he’s afraid I don’t like it.

“no, no.” I laugh. “I’m just impressed.”

“you wanna get a bottle of wine?” he asks softly, grabbing the wine menu. I nod.

“sounds good.” I think for a second. “do you happen to speak French?”

“dónde está el baño?” he jokes. before I can stop myself, I reach over the table and hit his arm, both of us laughing. it must be a bit too loud, because a couple people around us turn their heads. I settle back in my seat.

“that wasn’t funny.” I’m giggling.

“I wish I knew French.” he muses, still perusing the wine selection. I sigh.

“honestly, me, too. very sophisticated.”

“are we supposed to pair our wine with our food?” he whispers over the table.

“you think I know the protocol for this kind of place?” I hiss back.

“you know, what? who cares?” he sets down the menu and gives me a resigned smile. Matthew has always been uninhibited, and him deciding to just go with the flow gives me a warm feeling in my tummy. it’s one of the most attractive things about him, in my opinion.  

when the waiter comes to take our orders, Matthew and I just get a merlot and filet mignon, both of us starving. in the meantime, we talk about his day and my day and he tells a funny story about his friend. somehow, he and I always have the best conversations, even if they’re about nothing at all.

literally you could ask us to discuss paint drying and we’d find a way to laugh about it.

“I was thinking... I’m gonna have a vacation soon,” he trails off, the antique ring on his pinky finger clinking against his wine glass. “maybe we could go somewhere?”

“somewhere like...?” I gesture for him to keep talking. he grins.

“you can decide. as long as it’s fun.”

“what? no, you can’t put that pressure on me, Matthew.” I laugh. there are so many places I want to see, and places that I know he wants to see, that I don’t wanna pick the wrong place.

“why not?”

“well, let’s do this,” I sit up more, resting my elbows on the table. the candle in the middle of the table flickers, casting his features in a pretty glow. “you list some places you’d like to visit, and if there’s some overlap, we’ll do that.”

“okay.” he rubs his hands together, then starts to think about it. I wait patiently, sip my wine and start to imagine how many possibilities there are for us. hiking along mountain trails, zip-lining through rainforests. if I’m being honest, I kind of just want to relax.

he breaks my train of thought as soon as he begins to tack off places.

“we could go to Costa Rica, or Croatia, or Mauritius... the Azores...”

“oooh, you know, I’ve heard the Azores are absolutely gorgeous.” my eyes sparkle as I think about the little islands. “and they’ve got these super nice hot springs, too.”

“private hot springs?” he asks me over the rim of his glass. my spine tingles with the implication.

“you wanna fuck in a hot spring?” I almost laugh. he reaches across the table and twines his fingers with mine, thumb rubbing over the back of my hand softly.

“I wanna do it on every continent.” he winks, then pulls away as our food arrives. I try to suppress the heat rushing to my cheeks and regain my composure even though my entire nervous system feels like it’s short-circuiting at the thought.

I try to put those images out of my mind before we thank the waiter, and then we’re staring down at the plates in front of us with surprise. the portions are ridiculously small-- mignon usually isn’t that big, but it’s such a fancy-restaurant-move.

Matthew and I start to giggle to ourselves, picking up our forks and eating. I’m not upset or anything; it’s sort of funny. instead, we share asparagus and dig into the meal.

“do you think they’ll be mad at us for laughing at the nickel-sized food?” I question. it’s really tasty, to be fair, but I have to take small bites so as not to mess up my lipstick.

“for the amount they’re charging, they’re probably the ones laughing.” he replies. I snort, reach up, and he high-fives me.

“that was good.” I concede.

“thanks,” he smiles, wipes his mouth with a napkin before focusing back on me. “so, back to the topic at hand-- are we going to the Azores?”

“only if you want to.” I smile.

“I’m the one that suggested it.”

“okay, then. I guess it’s settled.” I shrug. we set our forks down, done with our food already after about twenty minutes. we start to talk logistics and things we want to do there, excitement building in my stomach the whole time. I love spending time with Matthew-- having him all to myself for a couple weeks sounds like literal paradise.

he looks so pretty right now, too, with his glasses and fluffy hair and the ever-present smile. everything about him exudes positive energy, and I’ll never get over that sensation. I just can’t believe how lucky I am.

“I have an urgent question.” he tells me suddenly, completely serious. I straighten up and frown at him.

“shoot.”

“do you think we can get ice cream? somewhere else?” he asks. I make a face at the way he set me up for suspense, but the relief is overwhelming and my stomach still isn’t full from the small filet. I nod quickly.

he gets the waiter’s attention, pays, and before I know it, we’re walking back to the car.

“thank you.” I nudge his shoulder with my own, both of us bundled up in our coats. he leans down to kiss the top of my head before wrapping his arm around me.

“of course, darling.”

I like his little pet names, how he says them with the kind of sweetness that nearly rots my teeth. even if Matthew didn’t tell me he loved me every day, I would be able to tell just from the way he speaks. like I’m the only girl in the world.

we end up driving to a small ice cream shop by our home, a place that we always visit during the summer if it gets hot and we want sugar. there’s almost nobody inside and we look sort of absurd in our fancy attire, but when I get to the counter to order, I let loose.

salted caramel with oreo crumbles in a waffle cone, piled high. he gets chocolate fudge and we lick at our confections while he pays. it’s so yummy, hitting the spot in a way that a small slice of steak just couldn’t. even though it’s winter, ice cream is always good.

“is my lipstick all gone?” I grin, looking up from my cone to ask. we go to sit in the back room of the shop, which is completely empty.

“mostly, but there’s a little bit...” he grabs my face across the table and guides me to him, sliding his tongue over my lower lip and pulling away to smirk. “got it.”

“uh huh.” I chuckle.

“you taste sweet.”

“you wanna lick?” I offer my cone and he nods, trying it before offering me his own.

“literally how is ice cream so good?” I ask as we go back to our treats. music from the 50′s is playing over the speakers, delightfully saccharine as we just enjoy each other’s presence.

“no idea. but I love the person who invented it.” he says dreamily. “also, sorry about tonight. I know it was kind of a bust.”

“what?” I stop eating for a second. “Matthew, that wan’t a bust!”

“the portions were so small.” he can’t get over this. I snicker to myself.

“sure, but I had a great time.”

“are you sure? I can plan something else special for us.” he gives me puppy dog eyes, afraid that I’m disappointed. I could never be disappointed by a date with him.

“don’t worry about that. let me do the work next time.” I shrug.

“like?”

“like I’ll make an itinerary for our trip. that way you don’t have to stress about activities.”

“you and your itineraries.” he shakes his head slowly, but he’s laughing.

“have they ever failed?” I ask, then tap my finger to my ear as if daring him to reply. when he just smirks in response, I get smug. “that’s what I thought.”

“I love you.” the words come out of nowhere, a heavy sentiment for a light-hearted conversation. every time he says it, I feel it. that deep, burning adoration in my bones. I admire him for a moment.

“I love you, too.”

#matthew gray gubler #mgg fluff #mgg oneshot

[greatestheights]

big, sad life updates below.

it's legit been years since I've been on tumblr in a meaningful way, and I've missed all of you a ton. too, I've missed fandom, and losing myself in fiction.

I've gotten a couple queries about some things via private messenger over the years, questions that I responded to sparingly or not at all. not because I was trying to be secretive or ignore people, but because I didn't know what to say.

I'm planning to be here more now, and because my life is pretty tough rn, that's bound to come up. I wanted to write this out now so that if need be I can just link to it, or just so people know what's up. there really is no need to respond if you don't know what to say. tbh, it also helps me to write it out. that alone is cathartic enough.

so. here we go. I no longer know how to insert "read more" links via mobile (or if they exist anymore), so here's where I tell you to keep scrolling now if you need to. consider this a broad trigger warning for mental health, eating disorders, mentions of addiction, and death of a child.

a list of things that have happened since July of 2018, aka the last time I was active on tumblr:

my husband and I took emergency custody of our niece, K, who was two-and-a-half at the time. K is my husband's sister's biological child. my sister-in-law is a long-time heroin addict who became homeless and relapsed; we took K so the state wouldn't. in that time, we have become her legal guardians and more importantly, her parents. at this point, it looks likely that K will be ours forever. she is now a bright, incredibly adorable 4.5-year-old with an unending supply of energy and a passion for fierce rainbow unicorns. we are lucky to be her mom and dad.

immediately after K came to us, I started grad school and we moved states (AZ ➡️ CO again). I am one thesis defense and two term papers shy of a master's in journalism. I'm primarily an audio journalist and have spent the last two years reporting and producing podcasts and radio stories.

I spent the winter and spring of 2019 in the hospital (as well as partial-hospitalization and intensive outpatient programs), where I was treated for anorexia and PTSD. I basically did nothing but therapy all day every day from January through August of 2019. like most important things in life, recovery is the hardest and also the best thing I've ever done for myself.

in December of 2019, I found out I was pregnant, due August 17. it was the best time of my life so far. I was emotionally and physically stable, kicking ass at grad school, and producing stories for a local community radio station on the reg. when the pandemic hit, my mental health started to tank, but I was still relatively stable — focused on taking care of K, getting ready to defend my thesis, and my work as a research assistant for two journalists.

in April, my son, Ronan (Roo), was born extremely prematurely at 23 weeks gestation after I suffered a very serious complication. it was unclear at first if either of us would survive, but we did. Roo fought extremely hard in the NICU. he was strong, and beautiful, and surprising. he made me laugh every day. the best moments of my life were the times I was allowed to hold him.

in early June, at six weeks old exactly, Roo died in my arms after contracting a horrific infection he could not fight. and there isn't much more to say, honestly. it is the worst. no silver linings, no sugar coating: I'm not sure how to survive. right now, I'm spending most of my days distracting myself with fiction and reddit, ignoring my thesis, and wishing time would just stop speeding ahead so goddamn fast.

so. that's it. if you read this far, bless you. I'm not even sure why I felt the need to write all of this out, except for the fact that it helps to be honest when your life is falling apart. the more vulnerable and open I am, the better I feel. and the more I talk about K and Roo, the more connected to both of them I feel.

parenthood is the scariest thing that's ever happened to me, but I also wouldn't trade a moment of it. even the nightmare parts. even the days spent grieving, the nights spent wrangling a tantruming preschooler into the bath, the moments where I've had to face the reality of how cruel and random and completely fucking unfair life can be.

thanks for listening. I'm not out of the hole yet by any means, but as we all know, it helps to have company down there in the dark.

#long post #where i've been for two damn years #we get better #k #roo #personal