#it's.. taken such a toll on her mental health and i wish i could help her..

[rebelwrites]

Twenty Three: Don’t Make A Scene

Charles Leclerc x Nova Teller (OC)

Till the wheels fall off Masterlist

Small town meets the fast lane. What happens when two souls meet? Will it end in happiness or will they both crash and burn?

As always reblogs and feedback is highly appreciated ❤️ if you want tagging in future parts let me know ❤️

“How is everyone doing back home?” I hummed, leaning against the wall of the Ferrari hospitality area, a smoke hanging from my lips as I squinted at my phone screen trying to block out the Italian sun, even with the raybans shielding my eyes it wasn’t enough. Everything was different here, I had never really traveled outside of Charming, well apart from the occasional run with Jax back in my teenage years. But this was different, the warmth of the sun beating down against my skin felt like I was being wrapped in a fluffy blanket. There was something comforting about it and I couldn’t help but smile.

Everything so far had been somewhat of a culture shock, I had tried foods that I would have never dreamt of trying, and even though I was still trying to adjust to the time difference I was living my best life.

“Everyone is good, in fact everything is perfect,” Jax smiled back, there was something about it that didn’t sit right with me. Not only wasn’t it as bright as normal but he had a haunted look on his blue eyes.

“Tell that to your face,” I scoffed, taking a long drag of the cigarette. “You look like someone just took a shit on your Harley.”

I stared intently at my device, watching as my older brother ran his hands over his face. “I’m just tired, that’s all,” he paused, obviously trying to think of what lie to spin. “There is nothing for you to worry about, I’ve got everything under control. Now enough about me, Squirt, how is Monza treating you?”

“It’s amazing, Jax,” I beamed. I finally felt free from the weight of the world that always seemed like it was crushing me into the dirt. Part of me felt bad for feeling like this, but I had quickly realized that taking care of Pops and the club had taken a toll on my mental health, so it was nice to have a break from it all. Although that didn’t stop me from missing everyone. “Everyone is amazing, and they are already treating me like family. Fred has taken the role of my body guard which is highly amusing,” pushing myself off the wall I decided it was time to head back into the garage, not wanting to miss the start of free practice.

“As in team principal, Fred Vassuer?”

“That’s the one, being the new kid on the block the press are trying to get the latest gossip but anytime they try and get too close to me whilst Fred is around he gets all protective of me. It’s kinda cute, reminds me of Pops.” I grinned, glancing over I noticed that the pit crew had formed what looked to be a human wall at the front of the garage. There was some sort of commotion going on, I wasn’t quite close enough to hear what was happening but the moment I heard my name being screamed I felt my blood boil. It had been years since I heard that scratchy voice, the sound alone sent a cold shiver down my spine.

“Squirt, you look like you’ve just seen a ghost, you have gone white as a sheet.” Jax asked, causing me to shift my attention back to him.

“I think I fucking have,” I mumbled, trying to stop the anger brewing deep inside me from bubbling over, causing me to explode, this was not the place, “that bitch has a fucking death wish.” I growled, flicking my gaze between my brother’s face and the opening of the garage.

“I can fucking see her, let me speak to my daughter.”

“There is no way,” Charles growled, venom dripping from his words. This was the first time I had seen this side of him but I wasn’t scared, in fact my heart skipped a beat at how protective he was being. “Sur mon putain de cadavre. Over my fucking dead body.”

I could feel the anger radiating through the phone screen from my brother, from the look on his face I was adamant he was going to jump on a plane to personally take care of the waste of space that was my birth mother.

“I am gonna fucking kill her,” Jax seethed, “She has no right crawling back into your life now, god I am so fucking angry right now!”

Taking a deep breath I knew I was going to have to take control of this situation, this was not the type of press coverage the team needed.

“Jax, I gotta go, don’t worry about me, I can handle this bitch,” I said, not taking my eyes off Charles. I could feel the anger radiating off him from the other side of the garage. “Charles is gonna snap and that isn’t good for him or the team.”

“Don’t make too much of a scene Squirt,” he hummed, cocking his brow at me.

“No promises.” I shrugged, before quickly saying bye.

Slipping my phone into the back pocket of my jeans I let out a shaky breath, I hadn’t seen this bitch since she last tried to make contact with me and Pops and the club chased her out of town.

“Kiddo, you okay?” Fred asked, appearing at my side.

“Je le serai, une fois que j'aurai mis cette salope à terre. I will be, once I put that bitch down.” I growled, clenching my fist by my side. She had no right trying to worm her way back into my life, I didn’t need her, she was dead to me.

“Il suffit de ne pas salir le sol et des blocs de glace se trouvent dans le réfrigérateur si vous en avez besoin. Just don't dirty the floor, and there are ice packs in the fridge if you need them.” Fred chuckled, taking my shaking fist in his hands squeezing softly. “Don’t let her get to you, kiddo.”

Slowly nodding at the Frenchman standing in front of me, I took a deep breath trying to steady my heart rate. I knew I needed to confront her otherwise she would never leave and reporters were already gathering around the garage trying to get the best shot of the disruption to the weekend. Within a few short strides across the room I found myself standing next to Charles, my hand instantly finding his, not caring if I outed our relationship at this moment. I needed his touch to keep me grounded and calm because I did not want my face plastered all over the gossip sites.

“The fuck do you want?” I said keeping my voice low and emotionless.

“I want to make amends, you are my daughter at the end of the day,” she pleaded. “I’ve changed, I went through rehab, I’m clean just for you baby.”

Rolling my eyes at the confession, did she think I was stupid? Her pupils were the size of dinner plates, she couldn’t stand still to save her life and was excessively sweating. I knew what her game was here and she wasn’t going to succeed in creeping her way back into my life, using me to get money.

“You ain’t clean,” I scoffed, leaning further into Charles. “Do you really think I would believe you? I ain’t that vulnerable five year old you left living in squalor just so you could get your next fix.”

“Fred, il faut la faire sortir d'ici. Fred, we've got to get her out of here.” Charles said, turning to his team principal.

I was moments away from lunging forward tackling the person who abandoned me, the main cause of my trust issues, the reason I carried demons on my back, but before I could step forward Charles wrapped his arms around my shaking body, holding me tight as he managed to guide me through the garage back to his driver room.

Once the door was shut I felt my resolve crumble, my fingers went into my roots as I slumped on the floor letting out a strangled scream. “Who the fuck does she think she is, coming here trying to act like the caring mother.” I growled, “you should have let me rip her apart.”

“Sunshine,” Charles whispered, crouching in front of me, placing a hand on my knee. “You need these right now,” he said softly, handing me a pack of cigarettes.

“I don’t,” I whispered, resting my hand on his cheek. “I just need you.”

“Je suis là, bébé, je ne vais nulle part. I'm here, baby, I ain't going nowhere.” he hummed, wrapping his arms around me, pressing small kisses against the top of my head. “Why would she come here now?”

“Because you have money and she is a gold digger, she must have seen the posts about us and thought she could get a massive pay day,” I breathed, gripping onto Charles’ fireproofs like my life depended on it, “and she knew if she tried to step foot in Charming, Pops would kill her with his bare fists.”

“Well, if she tries to come near you again I will drive over her with my car at 200 miles an hour.”

“Char, that would cause too much damage to the car,” I said with a slight laugh. Letting out a shaky breath I looked over his shoulder to the clock on the wall. “Five minutes till FP1 you better get going.”

“I can’t leave you, not like this.”

“I will be fine, promise,” I nodded, resting my forehead against his, “I’m gonna go chill with Fred, we might even make a list of different ways to kill her, you know just some light bonding nothing major.”

I knew Fred would make me feel better, there was something about him that reminded me of Pops, he happily took me under his wing in Zandvoort making me feel right at home within the team. I knew Charles had told him everything he needed to know about me and my past, which was the reason he was so protective over me when the devil made her appearance in the garage.

“Just don’t go all psycho killer on me now baby,” he chuckled, pressing a soft kiss against my lips.

“Don’t spoil all my fun, Mr,” I hummed, a small smile appearing back on my face. “Now go kick some ass out there.”

I found myself staring blankly at my boyfriend, trying to process the words that had just casually fallen out of his mouth.

“Hold on a second, you want me to drive that?” I stated, pointing at the SF-23 that was currently sitting in the middle of the garage.

“Were you not listening to me, Sunshine,” he chuckled, wrapping his arm around my shoulders, pressing a kiss against my temple.

“I was listening, but you do realize how crazy you sound right now? I don’t even have a super license, we would get into a shit load of trouble if anyone knows I took her on the track. She aint set up for me Char,” I rambled, not taking my eyes off the car, “there is no way. Aint happening, I will kill myself do you know how fast that thing is.”

The sound of Charles laughing caused me to tear my gaze away from the middle of the garage, cocking my brow at him, it was official he had completely lost his mind.

“Babygirl, it’s fine, we are all good, no one will know, trust me. Plus we aren’t in parc ferme conditions yet,” he smirked, slowly guiding me towards the car. “All I ask is don’t crash, I kinda need her for quali tomorrow.”

“You are fucking crazy, Leclerc.” I shot back, refusing to believe he was being serious. “We shouldn’t even be here, everyone has gone home.”

“Thought you loved driving fast?” he hummed, that cocky smirk still firmly planted on his face.

“Yeah in my beater of a truck, that if I am lucky will hit 70 miles an hour, or Jax’s Dyna, not a beast of a machine that is built for speeds of 200 miles an hour plus.”

“Fine, if you won’t drive this, what about this?” he said, fishing his car keys out of his pocket, placing them in the palm of my hand.

Dropping my gaze I ran my fingers over the bead keyring Elenor had made for him, my heart fluttering at the fact he had this on his keys, “wait, isn't this your Pista?”

“You talk too much,” he winked, moving so his arms were wrapped firmly around my waist, in one quick motion I had been thrown over his shoulder and was staring at his ass.

“Well, this is the best view ever,” I giggled, praying that he didn’t lose his grip as he carried me out to the track. “You drop me and I will kill you.”

“Quoi, comme ça ? What, like this?” he said, jolting his body causing me to cling onto him for dear life.

“Fucking asshole.”

@withmyteeth @chibsytelford @stillbreathin @danzer8705 @keyweegirlie @burningcupcakefire @dragon-of-winterfell @ohthemisssery @a-distantdreamer @sgkophie @angywritesstuff @enchantedbytomandhenry @scribbuluswrites @dangerouspursepeachbear @buendiabebeta @ferrarifwendvale @theplobnrgone @charlesleclercje @queenslife @panicforspec @justme2042 @liv67 @derpinathebrave @clcspeonies @pleasantducktimetravel @raaaaabzzz @mehrmonga @sbgal @fangirl-lb @pitconfirmbutton @oslokij @tall-tanned-tattoo @bigcreatorwombatdreamer @pumpkin-spice-hate @talicat713 @band--psycho @little-diable @i-love-scott-mccall @fourthwallhateclub @theysayitscrazy @rosieposie0624 @choochoo284 @meteora-fc @beeroses @darklydeliciousdesires @the-jer-bear @extraneousred @youflickedtooharddamnit @babypink224221

#Charles Leclerc #charles leclerc x reader #Charles Leclerc x oc #charles leclerc x you #Charles Leclerc x female oc #Charles Leclerc imagine #f1 #f1 x oc #f1 imagine #sons of anarchy #jax teller #jax teller x reader #jax teller imagine #sons of anarchy imagine #sons of anarchy x reader

[darkstar225]

Twice's 10th member didn't attend the last concert of the tour (sike)

A/N: Heyyy, I'm coming up with a lot of stuff for you guys so I can make up for the time I'm gone lol! Sry for taking so long to post :D I hope that my sweet friend AnonymousKetchup who gave me this idea on Wattpad likes it!

The request: Hi there. I'm one of your readers. Your stories were so great. If you don't mind, I would like to make a request? This is my first time to make a request to an author btw So twice held a concert wherein their maknae didn't attended because of a mental health issue. All members were so sad about it especially mina because y/n was her gaming buddy. But after the concert, when they got back to the green room, they saw their precious maknae waiting for them happily. They were all stunned and y/n said that she watched and cheered for her unnies at the vip section without them knowing it. And yeah, they missed her and made a group hug at the end. Thank you and have a great day author <3 (A/N: Tysm for this lovely message, it made my day! :D)

PS: Tysm for everyone who reads what I write, I hope I can bring a smile to your faces every time I post! I'd like to thank whoever sent me this idea 'cause I loved to write it <3

__________________________________________________________

The final concert of TWICE's tour was a grand spectacle, filling the massive arena with an electric atmosphere. Fans from all over the world had gathered to witness the K-pop sensation perform their last show, and the energy was palpable. But among the nine members of TWICE, there was a noticeable absence... Y/N, the 10th and youngest member, was not in attendance.

Y/N had been a pillar of strength for the group, always smiling and supporting her unnies during their performances. However, her own battles with mental health had taken a toll, and she had made the difficult decision to skip the last concert to focus on her well-being. Her absence weighed heavily on the members, but they understood and respected her choice.

Among them, Mina was particularly affected by the maknae's absence. The pair had shared a special bond as gaming buddies, spending countless hours playing their favourite video games together. Y/N's lack of presence left a void in Mina's heart, and she couldn't help but feel a deep sense of sadness.

As the concert reached its climax and TWICE delivered an electrifying performance, the members couldn't help but think of their precious maknae. Nayeon, Jeongyeon, Momo, Sana, Jihyo, Mina, Dahyun, Chaeyoung and Tzuyu danced their hearts out on stage, but there was a bittersweet feeling in the air. The absence of one member was strongly felt.

After the final encore, the exhausted members made their way backstage. Their emotions were a mix of elation at the successful tour and the sadness of missing Y/N. Mina, in particular, felt a heavy weight on her shoulders.

Once they were in the green room, the mood remained sombre. Mina had tears in her eyes as she thought of her gaming partner and dear sister. The other members shared her sadness and concern for their maknae's well-being.

Mina decided to voice her feelings, her voice trembling with emotion. 

Mina - I really missed Y/N tonight. She's always been there for us, and I wish she could have been here for our last concert.

The other members nodded in agreement. 

Jeongyeon - Our dongsang means so much to us, and her absence was deeply felt tonight. We hope she's taking care of herself.

Just as they were discussing Y/N's absence, the door to the green room suddenly swung open, and there stood their beloved maknae, a bright smile on her face. The members' eyes widened in shock and joy as they rushed to her, enveloping her in a group hug.

Momo - Baby! You're here!

Momo exclaimed with tears of happiness in her eyes.

The youngest laughed, her eyes glistening with tears as well. 

Y/N - I couldn't miss our last concert. I watched and cheered for you from the VIP section without you knowing it.

Mina, in particular, was overjoyed to see her gaming buddy and little sister. She pulled Y/N into a tight hug. 

Mina - I missed you so much, darling.

The younger girl returned the hug just as tightly. 

Y/N - I missed you too, Mina unnie.

The green room was filled with laughter and tears as the members reunited with their precious maknae. Y/N's presence brought a sense of completeness to the group, and they were overwhelmed with happiness.

Nayeon wiped away a tear and spoke with warmth in her voice. 

Nayeon - We're so glad you're here, love. We were worried about you.

Y/N - I know, and I appreciate your concern. I needed to take some time for myself, but I couldn't miss the opportunity to support you on this special day. *smiling*

Sana - You're our strength, honey. We're so proud of you for taking care of yourself. *kisses her cheek*

Dahyun - And you'll always have our support, just like you've supported us all these years. *kisses other cheek*

As the hours passed, they found themselves in a circle, arms wrapped around each other, sharing a heartfelt group hug. Y/N was in the centre, feeling the warmth and love of her unnies surrounding her.

Jeongyeon, with tears in her eyes, spoke for all of them.

Jeongyeon - We missed you, kiddo. You're irreplaceable in our hearts.

Chaeyoung - And we're so grateful to have you back with us.

The maknae's heart swelled with love and happiness. She knew that her journey to better mental health would be ongoing, but she also knew that she had the unwavering support of her fellow members, her second family. 

Tzuyu, who had been quieter throughout the evening, spoke up with a soft smile. 

Tzuyu - Sis, you mean so much to all of us. We're here for you, no matter what, and we'll continue to support you on your journey.

Jihyo, their leader, who had been watching her kid with a motherly gaze, stepped forward and gently cupped the girl's face. 

Jihyo - You're such a strong and precious maknae, sweetheart. We're so proud of you for taking care of yourself, and we promise to be here every step of the way.

TWICE's sunshine's eyes sparkled with gratitude and love. 

Y/N - Thank you, Jihyo omma. Thank you all for being my strength and my family.

As the night continued, the members shared stories, laughter, and an abundance of food, making up for the meals Y/N had missed. The atmosphere was filled with joy, as they realized that no matter what challenges they faced, they would overcome them together.

Mina, in particular, was overjoyed to have her gaming buddy back. 

Mina - Cutie pie, we have so much gaming to catch up on!

Said girl chuckled, her smile radiant. 

Y/N - I can't wait, Mina. Get ready to lose!

Their playful banter filled the room, and the members knew that they were back to their usual selves. The youngest's return had not only brightened the evening but also rekindled their spirits.

As the night came to an end, they all settled down, feeling content and closer than ever. Y/N lay her head on Jihyo's chest, and Nayeon held Mina's hand. They were a family, united in love and resilience, ready to face whatever the future held.

Momo yawned, breaking the peaceful silence. 

Momo - I think it's time to get some rest, everyone. We have a lot of memories to make together.

As they all agreed, they knew that no matter what challenges awaited them, they were stronger together. Y/N had brought a sense of completeness to the group, and they were ready to face the world with renewed determination.

One by one, they drifted off to sleep, with the maknae feeling the warmth and love of her unnies surrounding her. In their embrace, she found a profound sense of peace and belonging, knowing that she was not alone in her struggles. They were a family, and as she looked at her unnies, she had only one thought in mind:

I’ll love my dear older sisters forever.

A/N: I’m sorry for any errors. English is not my first language. Pls, let me know if there is something wrong, ty for reading <3

#kpop imagines #kpop gg #twice fluff #twice #twice 10th member #twice added member #twice x reader #twice x y/n #twice addition #twice x you #twice imagines #twice scenarios #nayeon #nayeon x reader #jeongyeon #jeongyeon x reader #momo #momo x reader #sana #sana x reader #jihyo #jihyo x reader #mina #mina x reader #dahyun #dahyun x reader #chaeyoung #chaeyoung x reader #tzuyu #tzuyu x reader

[desifleabag]

I am shedding skin

Hey there, if you're reading this, I hope you're doing well. Remember to take care of yourself – eat right, get enough sleep, and maybe even give yourself a little pep talk in the mirror (even if it's a bit tongue-in-cheek). I'm all about that lighthearted, progressive humour! But jokes aside, I genuinely wish you the best.

Today's blog is a bit different. Let's imagine we randomly met up in a bustling city. Picture us sitting down with our chai or coffee, just having a real talk about our lives. So, get comfy in your chair – figuratively speaking, of course.

I used to be that child who disliked her childhood while idealising the idea of growing up into an adult who could earn money, own a house, and achieve all her dreams. It was as if I envisioned a gleaming castle but had no idea how to attain it. At times, I find myself wishing I could sit down with my 10-year-old self and tell her, "It's alright to dislike being a kid because you feel confined and powerless under the expectations of others in your life. Childhood dreams and aspirations are like ice cream – they seem like they'll last forever, but they eventually melt away. You believe that children's boundless and creative energy often goes unrecognised and is simply labelled as “young blood”,' isn't that right? I hear you and I understand. However, living an adult life comes with both the depths of loneliness and the dazzling heights of success. I comprehend that." Throughout my life, I've carried this perspective, and now, as an adult, the image of that castle fills me with anxiety. I'm afraid of the possibility of being crushed under the weight of the glass and the gleaming castle. The never ending “ what ifs' ' never left my hand and I think I also didn't leave because it gave me a sense of self control.

Lately, things haven't been going so smoothly for me. I mean, my mental and physical health are both kind of shaky. I've been going to therapy for about two years now, and it's been a wild ride. Some days, I feel like I'm making progress and getting better, but on other days, I'm my own worst critic. Still, I'm trying my darndest to do more than just get by – I want to really live life.

The thing is, therapy isn't cutting it like it used to. So, my therapist thinks it's a good idea for me to see a psychiatrist for some extra help.For a brief moment, I felt a bit lost, wondering how I was supposed to handle this situation on my own since I didn't have any friends who could accompany me to my psychiatrist appointment. Despite my worries, I decided to go by myself. I went to the appointment, sat down, and talked about my struggles. The outcome of our conversation was the revelation that I was dealing with clinical depression and anxiety. It hit me hard and left me feeling devastated, a sense of helplessness and hopelessness washing over me. However, I made up my mind to take responsibility for my health. I realised that I needed to step up and take care of myself. The psychiatrist prescribed some antidepressants to help improve my mood. Following the appointment, a wave of unease swept over me. I began to fear that my parents wouldn't fully understand what I was going through. I also recognized that my friends couldn't accompany me to these appointments. It was quite a transformation for someone who used to be afraid of the dark and travelling alone – now, I was facing these challenges head-on and prioritising my well-being.

I won't sugarcoat it – these days, being a 20-year-old adult can feel incredibly isolating, even when you're surrounded by people. There's a daunting aspect to being alone, and taking on the responsibility and maturity is no easy feat. Lately, the loneliness I feel amid my pain and struggles has taken a toll on my health. I can sense my smile fading day by day. The desire to continue living feels like an overwhelming burden.This is what most of your adult life you are helpless, hopeless. Lonely, aimless, hanging there in ups and downs of your health with the bigger picture of your life in your hands like you are trying so hard to handle the weight of that picture that it impacts your health and your life too.

As an adult, people will often tell you to love yourself. My idea of self-love has changed a lot. It used to be about liking every part of my body, but now it's more about being my own source of strength when things are tough. I've learned that I need to be okay with all parts of my life, especially because life didn't come with instructions. I've had to face uncertainties to figure out who I am, and I've realised that being kind to myself and finding peace are really important. But even if you read and learn a lot about self-love, there will still be days when you cry because of things that hurt you, whether they're things from the past or things you're still dealing with. You'll want someone to give you a hug, and you'll imagine the best things happening with them. You might even doubt yourself sometimes. Because the truth is, sometimes loving yourself is ugly .Yes, it's a bitter truth I learned in my life. 

While I was flipping through pages of my journal. I wrote down a poem “ I took care of myself and it wasn't pretty” I read on the internet which was written by Schuyler Peck in her book called "The greatest act of self love isn't always pretty.

I took care of myself 

And looked at the overdue bills in the face 

Even though it hurt 

I took care of myself 

And cried ugly through the therapy sessions

Made another appointment for next week 

I put in the work and wrote all the bad memories in detail

I apologised to all the friends 

I didn't have the energy to talk to 

I finally cut off all my dead ends and bought produce 

Slimly avoided sustaining myself 

On barbecue chips and poetry 

I recycled 

I set an alarm for 8 hours of sleep 

And did not sleep more or less

I took care of myself and it wasn't bubble baths 

It wasn't lotion at bath and bodyworks 

And three cheese pizza

It was uncomfortable 

It wasn't beautiful 

But i am 

And it didn't have to be beautiful 

To be worth it 

During my journey of healing and therapy, a significant realisation dawned on me, leading to a profound conversation with a woman I met at a book café recently. This exchange triggered a cascade of thoughts within me. I recognized that my outlook on life had been rather pessimistic, and my energy seemed tainted, like a heap of dirt. I could sense darkness and negativity in my energy and vibrations.

As we conversed, she offered me an observation that struck me deeply: “You are too much in your head. You are living life but on the surface. And you my girl as I have seen you have the strength to turn this all around in a flip. But are you ready for that flip or have you become so used to this sadness and melancholy under smiles and laughter ? This statement hit me with the force of a truck. I spent several hours reflecting on her words and came to a realisation. I had absorbed an abundance of pain, hurt, hate, and fear, to the extent that they had become integral to my identity. It felt as though I had been extracting poison from others' lives to protect them, but this poison had gradually started corroding me from within. My decisions, perspectives, choices, preferences, opinions – they all carried traces of my pain. I had unwittingly moulded myself into a reflection of other people's words and the consequences of their actions. My current self was an amalgamation of trauma responses that had moulded my personality.

Describing this emotion is challenging, but I've lived much of my life in fear, and as a result, I haven't even come close to reaching my full potential. This realisation brings me a sense of sorrow. While this sadness served a purpose at some point, I hadn't felt ready to release it. However, this prolonged attachment to sadness has left me feeling utterly miserable. It has led me to harbour grudges, nourish the darkness within me, and be the victim always 

I inhaled deeply, allowing myself to fully immerse in my emotions and thoughts that night. Having experienced significant challenges in life, including both physical and emotional abuse during my formative years, I realised how this had influenced my perception and experience of life. I had unconsciously adopted the patterns of thinking, feeling, and living that mirrored those who had mistreated me. The way I talked to myself and interacted with others had been shaped by the same negative patterns.

The roots of this can be traced back to the people who were meant to provide care and nurture – our caregivers. As per psychological insights, these early years play a crucial role in determining the foundations of our adult selves. Recognizing this, I began to comprehend that I needed to let go of the aspects of myself that were not truly me. It was a process of shedding the skin of who I had become through my experiences, and instead focusing on learning, evolving, and embracing the person I ought to be.

When you make your identity from starting there are going to be times your shadows will pop up from somewhere and you will question them because you are surprised who this person is. In psychology, the term "shadow" refers to the parts of your personality that you keep hidden or aren't fully aware of because they might be uncomfortable or unacceptable. These hidden aspects, proposed by psychologist Carl Jung, can influence your behaviour even without your awareness. Bringing your shadow to light involves acknowledging these hidden parts, accepting them as natural, and integrating them into your self-awareness, leading to personal growth and a better understanding of yourself. Everyone has their unique shadows and like everyone I also have my own shadows. But there is a skill to make your shadows as your asset and to positively influence your life

I use creativity to explore my hidden aspects. Writing poems and prose allows me to express different sides of myself. However, I've recently realised that I've been using these creative outlets to reinforce my past trauma, pain, grief, and struggles. Rather than helping me move forward, this habit keeps me stuck in my comfort zone. I tend to absorb everything around me, both positive and negative, without being fully aware of it. I've been idealising pain and sadness to the point that they've started defining my worth, particularly through my writing and poetry  performances. Although I originally intended to write about these experiences as a way to release the pain, I've ended up romanticising them. That's why I've decided to take a break from writing and performing at poetry events. My health is currently my top priority, leading me to step back from my internship and organisational commitments. Ultimately, these decisions are aimed at prioritising my well-being and recovery. In this stage of my life, I've moved beyond many friendships and relationships, as growth is constant and our connections change along with it. While cherishing the good times, I've reached a point where bidding a fond farewell feels appropriate, knowing we may never cross paths again. Embracing farewells and new beginnings can be challenging, given the fear of abandonment, yet it's not our responsibility to foresee the destiny of our relationships

I'm putting in immense effort to remove the lenses through which I see the world as constantly on the verge of collapse with each step I take. I yearn to perceive the world as a space for growth and connection with like-minded individuals. I'm aiming to slow down my pace of life, letting go of unnecessary burdens in order to truly experience life and its richness. I wish to wake up each morning as a person who actively chooses to live life to the fullest, seeking happiness, and radiating effortless smiles. Anticipating sunsets with childlike wonder, savouring ice cream with pure joy, and breathing passionately like someone who has been given a second chance. Learning from pain, holding onto hope, cherishing the act of loving, finding delight in purchasing flowers, indulging in reading and writing, dancing in the rain, and wholeheartedly revelling in the art of living. Through my words, I want to provide closure to the past version of myself and make a promise of a brighter future, assuring my inner child that healing is on the horizon.I am shedding skin. It's beautifully painful but worth it.

#mentalheathawareness #desiblr #desi #desi shit posting #desi academia #dear diary #poems #poetries #short essay #spilled poetry #mental health matters #depression #dark academia

[thenextdawn-temporarilyclosed]

Different

Word count: 2.3K

Summary: request here

Warnings: angst, depression, self harm, suicide attempt, mentions of death

Pairing: Wednesday X Sibling!F!Reader

———

You’ve never really felt like an Addams your whole life. Ever since you were born you were different. You didn’t have dark eyes or dark hair like your family’s standards. You were born with blonde hair and green eyes, and only this was a malus point. You were the middle child, born after Wednesday and before Pugsley and growing up your whole family tried to change you. They tried dying your hair, they tried forcing you to wear black but you wouldn’t budge. You hated black with all yourself, you would just dress normally. This “choice” of yours always led you to be excluded from your family. You were never the favorite child, you never got any Christmas or birthday presents and in family pictures you were never there because they didn’t want you to “ruin the picture”

All of this started to hurt a lot when you grew up, because you realized how in other families each child was loved the same way. All the situation was starting to have a bad toll on your mental health. You were depressed, yet no one at home seemed to care. You tried talking about what you felt, but no one listened to you and ignored you. You spent your nights crying in your bed, curled up in a ball as you just wished to be “normal” to the eyes of your family, but deep down you knew that they would never accept you. Even in school you would get bullied a lot. That day the bullies had decided to taken out their frustrations on you and Pugsley, however your sisters only decided to help him out, and not you.

You slowly realized how not even your sister cared about you, but still you decided to keep trying on her. When you came back home with a black eye and busted lip, your parents only asked your brother how he was doing. He had no bruise at all and still, he was the one they were mostly worried about. You decided to give it a last shot and go talk to your sister, you needed to vent so badly. As soon as you walked in her room and sat on her bed, she spoke up. “What is so important to disturb my writing time?” She said, not looking up from her typewriter. “Wens it’s hard at school… I just can’t bare it anymore and-“ she interrupted you just as you started “(Y/N) no one in this house cares about your pathetic life. You’re nothing but an added weight to this family” you looked up at her words in tears. You had always wondered that things were like this, but hearing it come out of her mouth just hurt ten times more.

“I-is that how you all feel about me?” You asked as you tried to suppress the sobs that kept coming up your throat. “Yes it is. Now shut up before I cut your throat and get out of my room.” “Alright…” you replied as you began sobbing and you locked yourself in your room. You were right. All these years you were nothing but a weight. No one ever cared about you. You didn’t understand though. You were their family, yet they never even tried to recognize you as a member of it. You never even had the necklace each Addams has, but what your sister said tonight, was just the icing on the cake you never even received. All your body hurt, your heart most specifically. You have been wanting to hear the truth for so long, and now that you had it, you wished you never even existed. You wished you could die.

So you decided to do the only thing your parents would love if you did it. You took a razor blade from your father’s razor and locked yourself once again in your room and you began to cut yourself. First it was just one cut on your arm. But then one turned into two, two turned into four. You just kept going until you were empty of each emotion you felt until now. Your arms both now full of blood as you just laid on your bed, but still you had so many emotions you needed to take out but that you just couldn’t.

The next couple of days you overheard your parents talking about taking Wednesday and you to Nevermore. You had always wanted to go there, and this gave you a little bit of hope, hope that there you could find someone who accepted you for who you were. Soon you were into the principals office. They were all so focused on Wednesday, about the uniqueness of her name and blah blah blah… you just sat there aside, but then Weems turned her eyes to you. “What about you (Y/N)? Why are you here?” You shrugged at her questions. You so badly wanted to shout at the world how your parents just wanted to get rid of you, but you just couldn’t. Weems nodded and looked at you, noticing how you kept playing with your sleeves, perhaps out of nervousness. Little did she know that you were trying to hide your scars and fresh cuts.

However the two of you settled in, in two different rooms which you were glad about. You happened to be in a single room and you didn’t mind that. Days passed and as Wednesday started making friends, you didn’t. You tried to, but everyone kept avoiding you. “Hey guys, do you mind if I sit with you?” You asked a group of gorgons that were sitting together at lunch. They looked at you only to soon burst out laughing. You would always end up eating alone on the school’s stairs, but you ended up catching Enid’s attentions, Wednesday’s roommate. “Wednesday that’s your sister right? Why is she so different from you? I mean, your family’s all… black.” She said looking at you, eating alone on the stairs. “Unfortunately yes, she’s my sister. Only by surname though, because otherwise she has nothing to do with us.” She stated. “That’s mean…” Enid continued.

She had even tried to get close to you, but you were always locked in your room, to hurt yourself, and no one knew anything because you hid it so well. Even when you were attacked by the hyde, she didn’t care. No one cared, not the school, not your sister, not your parents. Just the principal, but she was forced fo come visit you but luckily you always wore a sweater so never noticed your scars. After your encounter with the hyde though, she set you up with doctor Kinbott. And honestly? You were glad. At least you could talk to her without being judged. She always listened to you, she took you at heart and tried giving you tips on how to get your sister to spend time with you and you tried, you tried so hard yet she still hated you.

“Hey Wens, I have a math test tomorrow can you help me study?” You asked her as you came into her room. You hoped that this at least, would get her to spend time with you… it was your last resource. “(Y/N) how many times do I have to tell you that I do not care about you!?” She said raising her voice. Her cold reply making tears come up your eyes “Wens please I just want to-“ she interrupted you again. “I said NO, god you’re so annoying, sometimes I wish you never even existed!” She looked at you with pure hatred and a single tear left your eyes as you nodded and walked away. You never did anything wrong to your family, why were they all wishing for you to be dead? Just because you were different from their standards… you were the perfect child, but they didn’t want you all because you didn’t have dark hair and you didn’t wear black, you were a bloodstain in their family.

That day you cut again, and again, and again. You went on for days, cutting over the fresh ones until every inch of your skin was covered in blood. Why couldn’t the hyde kill you that day? He killed everyone, why not you? You kept wondering why other people died and you didn’t, you kept wishing for all the worst incidents to happen to you, yet nothing ever happened. One day you were about to break real bad, luckily you were in Jericho so you decided to storm into Dr Kinbott’s office for an unplanned session. “(Y/N), as much as I wish to listen to you I have to tell you that I’m in the middle of-“ you were quick to interrupt her. “I don’t care, I can’t keep it in anymore please just listen to me, at least you-“ you begged, your voice trembling as you walked around the room.

“Okay, go ahead” she said smiling softly as she took the notebook with all notes about you. “I just can’t deal with anything anymore… I feel like I don’t even deserve to be alive” you started and with that sobs made their way up to your throat “why is that?” She asked softly, her voice calming “my family hates me, my sister hates me, the school too, everyone ignores me and treats me like a rug and it’s been really hard to deal with-“ you sobbed out as you passed your hands through your hair. Kinbott didn’t speak, she just let you take everything out. “Literally, my family always disregarded of me just because I didn’t live up to their standards! I never got birthday presents, birthday cake, Christmas presents, they didn’t even include me in family pictures! I was just their slave, clean here, do that…. Not once have they showed affection towards me” you stopped to sit on the couch as you cried your heart out.

“When my brother and I were getting bullied at our old school, I would come home with black eyes and busted lips and he would come back with nothing and yet, he was the only one they were worried about and then my sister… she’s always been the perfect child. Good grades, total black like they want. I looked up to her when I was younger but she did nothing but hate me.. in school she only stood up for pugsley and here she barely acknowledges me. She told me twice she hated me and that she wished I never existed… sometimes I wished that was true.” After that you just broke down, you could barely breathe from how much you were crying, Kinbott moved to sit next to you only to hug and cradle you in her arms to comfort you. “I just want to die…” you sobbed out.

Little did you know that Wednesday was in the bathroom this whole time and that she listened to everything.

———

People only care about you truly only after you’re dead, it has always been like this. Only this wasn’t your case. After that session with Dr Kinbott you went to your room and tried to commit suicide, cutting deep into your veins on your arms as you just felt your life sleep away. You would finally be at peace… if only Wednesday hadn’t found you. After having heard your conversation with Kinbott, she realized that she did go too far. Her whole life she had hurt you, and you didn’t deserve that, but she never realized it until now.

“(Y/N) can we talk?” She said, knocking gently on the door to your room. However you weren’t responding and the door was locked from the inside, so she knew you were there. She eventually kneeled down and started picking the lock and when she got in she found you laying on the floor in a pool of your blood. “(Y/N)? Oh my god I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry” she started panicking as she tore away her clothes to wrap them around both of your bleeding arms. She then ran outside and yelled at someone to call an ambulance. She then came back to where you were laying “(Y/N) I’m so so sorry, please don’t die let me make it up to you” she kept begging, only you were already unconscious. The ambulance came and took you away and they put you in the psych ward. They had also warned Dr Kinbott as you were her client so she was there when you woke up.

Only she wasn’t alone. Wednesday was there too. “…get out..” you said to Wednesday as you opened your eyes. She was the reason you were like this. “(Y/N) I just want to-“ “I SAID GET OUT” you yelled at her as tears made their way to your eyes “I’m sorry-“ she tried to apologize “no! You don’t get to be sorry, you don’t get to do that when it’s all your fault I’m in here! God couldn’t you just let me die!? You wished for so much time I was dead so you could have fucking let me die!” You kept yelling at her and watched how she looked down feeling ashamed of herself “I hate you Wednesday! I hate you so much!”

Those were the last words you ever told your sister because after that you ran away. You changed your surname and ran to another city. Not that anyone would look for you anyway. You just wanted to be happy.

#jenna ortega #wednesday #wednesday x y/n #wednesday x you #wednesday x reader #wednesday adams #wednesday adams x reader #wednesday addams #wednesday addams x y/n #wednesday addams x you #wednesday addams x reader

[saulwexler]

saul gone aired almost a year ago so maybe that's why i can't stop thinking about the whole thing rn. it all stems from the fact that i genuinely miss a show i can't even bring myself to watch anymore. but anyway. my mind keeps coming back to one element in particular: the handling of mcwexler's mental health. 6b tries and tries to show you how jimmy's self-destructive behaviors have taken a toll on him, but then nothing seems to matter anymore when he hears kim's confessed and then he proceeds to do it as well – in what seems to me like a classic "love saves you 🥰" narrative more suited for other kind of media imho. and as for kim, i know she starts to volunteer in the law again or whatever, i know she goes to cheryl, i know she isn't wearing those loser clothes in the last scene, still, i wish she could've gotten more of her journey – she was one of the main characters... until she wasn't anymore, and you were left to try and solve the puzzle of who is this person and how she's going to fight those demons that haunted her way before the howard tragedy. for a show who made me fall in love with these people's minds and how fucked up they were, the lack of closure or even perhaps realism and depth in the finale in regards to their traumas still makes me so sad

False it’s been 900 years since Saul Gone aired. It actually feels like grief since I don’t typically get that emotionally invested in shows and I don’t see it happening again. I can’t go back and I can’t go forward. just sitting in a corner i haunt 😩

my mind keeps coming back to one element in particular: the handling of mcwexler's mental health.

mental health in bcs lives in my head rent-free and I can barely articulate it. He was able pull out of his mental breakdown using the saul mask one more time, but it wasn’t really addressed 🤷🏻‍♀️ like, Jimmy has intense baggage, criminality-addiction-metaphors plus textbook mental health issues. He clearly has a good heart and is genuinely trying to dig himself out of a hole, but traumatic events keep piling up, and he lost the only people he could turn to for support (and these relationships were unhealthy to begin with). In a show that deals more with realism in the justice system, life in prison thematically works as jimmys ending! - it’s storage space for the mentally ill, addicted, and lonely. cynical and dark? sure!

nothing seems to matter anymore when he hears kim's confessed and then he proceeds to do it as well – seems to me like a classic "love saves you 🥰" narrative more suited for other kind of media imho.

This goes back to my theory theres a reason so many people seemed to think jimmy’s confession must have saved kim from her own punishment. The knowing glance before the the bait and switch confession feels like it should free her because that’s the type of cliche we are used to *in other kinds of media*. If life in prison doesn’t help her and love doesn’t redeem him, we are left with that more cynical dark ending (which doesn’t not work!) But the lighthearted tone from his sorkin-esque speech to the bus chant minimizes just how bleak his ending really is. It feels glib in a way no other character ending was.

The change of heart after he hear’s about Kim’s confession also denies him the same character growth. Kim is still his moral compass. If she told him to confess about lalo when the ada offered the deal (and i suspect when she was leaving him) i think he would have. but at least he became a man worthy of looking kim wexler in the eye! No longer a dog in kim’s presence now that he regained his humanity! humanity he lost from… trauma 🫠

There is “up to interpretation” and there is confusing. i chose confusing since gould and co have more recently doubled down on their *official* version (that jimmy wont get out early, probably wont see kim again). i would like a sane reason why they felt the need to backtrack on this instead of leaving us in peace.

as for kim, i know she starts to volunteer in the law again or whatever, i know she goes to cheryl, i know she isn't wearing those loser clothes in the last scene, still, i wish she could've gotten more of her journey – she was one of the main characters... until she wasn't anymore, and you were left to try and solve the puzzle of who is this person and how she's going to fight those demons that haunted her way before the howard tragedy.

it's frustrating the way kim was such an afterthough in 6b after being one of the most nuanced female character’s i’d ever seen. She just… wasn’t there, and when she was there she didn’t talk. i love rhea, she deserves all of the awards, but iif people think her best performance was sobbing on a bus I will riot. LET HER SPEAK!

We went from “i had to time of my life with you” to her telling some rando “when i knew him, he was [good]” like who is this person!!! We were so used to the slow organic character development there was definitly shock value in how she was post-time jump. trauma and guilt impact people, plus it’s been 6 years, and us obsessive freaks can take a stab at connecting these gaps! but honeslty i could do the same thing if instead of girloser floridakim, she became a train jumping hobo or a wall street trophy wife or an alcoholic working at piggly wiggly or whatever. She has become the blank puzzle.

for a show who made me fall in love with these people's minds and how fucked up they were, the lack of closure or even perhaps realism and depth in the finale in regards to their traumas still makes me so sad

it's still so frustrating that this show treated these characters with such nuance and depth, only to end things in. black and white. my theory with bob’s cantankery is its exactly like that. he keeps saying how miserable playing jimmy was, as such a lonely sad character… he suffered for his art and for what? for people to think he had a simple ending? Misery forever:)

#annoying tw #sorry jess I plagiarized whole sections from our convo #help i'm still at the restaurant

[hummingbird-of-light]

Against All Odds

Part 509

McCoy

His heart was pounding in his chest. He and Scotty could finally share a room!

“Thank you sir,” McCoy said when he found his words. “Mr. Archer.” he gave the head of house a nod.

It was a battle to contain himself, but he managed. He squeezed Scotty’s hand tightly.

“If we can help in any way,” Archer began, “just ask. Dr. Hudson would be more than willing to offer her services and Ms. Ryan will certainly keep your prescriptions filled if you let her know what it is.”

“We want everyone to be safe and healthy and that includes their mental health,” said Pike.

“Thank ye,” Scotty got out.

There was a knock on the door then. Archer rose to answer.

“I think that’s all we had for you boys.” Pike stood behind his desk. “I’m sure you’d like to get a start on moving your things.” He smiled at Scotty.

McCoy stood up and Scotty followed.

“Thank you sir,” McCoy said again as they moved for the door.

“Just one moment gentlemen,” Archer was saying to whomever had knocked.

As McCoy and Scotty left the office they could see Spock, Jim and Robbie waiting.

“Alright?” Robbie asked Scotty in Gaelic as they passed. McCoy smiled at being able to understand the word.

“Aye,” Scotty replied, giving his brother a weak smile.

McCoy waited until they were inside Scotty’s room before he finally let his delight out. He felt light, almost like he had when David had confirmed he would be charging the line of succession and McCoy would not have to be king.

He threw his arms around Scotty, pulled him close and kissed him wildly, until Scotty finally pulled away laughing.

The sound warmed his heart. Scotty had looked so lost all morning. McCoy knew whatever his nightmare had been it had taken quite a serious toll on his fiancé.

“Are you alright?” He looked deep into Scotty’s eyes as he asked.

“I guess,” Scotty replied, sounding unsure. “I’m glad we can be together, but I wish it wasn’t because I broke in the middle of the night.”

“Oh darlin’.” McCoy pulled Scotty close and held him tight. “You didn’t ‘break.’ You had a normal reaction to the serious things we’ve been through.”

“Everyone thinks I’m crazy,” Scotty whispered against his chest.

McCoy pushed him back and held him by the shoulders.

“No one thinks that,” he said firmly. “Everyone understands we went through something awful. And if they do think that, then they aren’t worth giving a second thought to.” He grinned suddenly. “Fuck’em.” He knew his swearing always made Scotty smile. ‘Un-princely’ Scotty always said.

A small smile crossed his fiancé’s face.

“Come on, where do you want to start?”

In the end McCoy had retrieved a book from his room and sat on the bed reading aloud as Scotty gathered his things from around the room. He was carefully collecting them in his trunk, not packing anything tightly since it would all come out again a short way down the hall.

A quick knock sounded before Robbie opened the door and came in.

“Well, you were eager, eh?” He raised an eyebrow as he looked around Scotty’s emptying side of the room.

McCoy saw sudden doubt cross Scotty’s face.

“I- I could stay…”

“No a bhràthair, it’s ok. It’ll be better for both of you.” Robbie sat down on his bed. “Maybe I’ll push both beds together. Think of all the space I could have to stretch out then!” He grinned.

McCoy laughed. He’d already been wondering if that was something he and Scotty could do in their room.

“If you’re sure ye’re alright with it…” Scotty still looked slightly unconvinced.

“Are ye kidding?” Robbie said. “A room all to myself again? Never a worry about what I might walk in on; never a worry about what I might have to see!” He threw a glance at McCoy with those words. “Sounds like paradise!”

Scotty reached for a pillow and threw it at his brother. Robbie caught it with a laugh as it bounced off his chest.

“No worries Monty, it’s really fine, I promise,” Robbie said in a more serious voice.

Part 510

Scotty

After moving Scotty's things into Leonard's room, the boys had helped Spock move into Jim's room. The Vulcan seemed unsure if it was really a good idea. And so he asked again on the way to the dining hall.

"It is my job to protect you, Your Highness. Do you really think it is wise for me to be so far away from you?"

Leonard looked over at Spock and was about to retort something, but Jim beat him to it, waving his hand.

"Oh, Spock. There are plenty of other guards around, aren't there? Don't worry about it. Besides, my room isn't that far away after all."

Spock looked from Jim to Leonard, who nodded in agreement.

"It's all right. And Spock, this is in no way meant to be a demotion of your skills. You're a good bodyguard. And I trust you."

Scotty knew exactly why Leonard mentioned that last part. The Scotsman had seen the self-doubt in Spock's gaze too.

"I know, sir."

"Now let's have lunch and then have a nice afternoon together before classes start again tomorrow."

Leonard grabbed Scotty's hand and squeezed it, throwing him a smile. Scotty returned it weakly. He was incredibly tired after the last night.

"Aye. That's a good idea," he said anyway.

After lunch, the boys met Christine, Uhura and Jaylah in the lounge.

While Leonard was quickly intercepted by Jaylah because she needed his help with some of her Federation History tasks, Scotty sat down on the sofa and let his gaze wander.

Jim and Spock played billiards with Chekov and Sulu while Uhura watched. Robbie chatted with Keenser.

Scotty looked to the side as the sofa moved and someone took a seat next to him.

"Hey you."

He smiled gently.

"Hey."

An arm wrapped around his shoulder and Scotty leaned into the half-hug.

"I'm not even going to ask how you're doing. Just tell me what I can do for you."

Scotty rested his head on his interlocutor's shoulder.

"Can ye turn back time and stop me from becoming the way I am now? So... crazy."

A giggle was the response he got.

"Oh Scotty, you've always been crazy."

"Chris..."

"I know, I know. Listen to me."

Christine put a hand on his cheek and made him look her in the eye.

"Leonard and you, you've been through terrible things. Everyone here knows that. And everyone knows it's going to take time for you guys to adjust back here. But you need to get help, Scotty. Talk to us. Tell us about the things that are bothering you. Or... tell Dr. Hudson."

Dr. Hudson.

The last time Scotty had been with her had been with Khan. The woman had tried everything to help the Augment. And he had gone behind her back.

Hadn't he? Or was the psychologist perhaps in on it? Scotty felt queasy at the thought of being alone with her.

"I... I don't want to go there alone," he mumbled helplessly and Christine took his hand.

"Then I'll go with you. Or Leonard. Or Robbie. Whoever you want with you. We're all here for you."

Scotty's gaze fell on Leonard. He, too, could use a talk with a psychologist.

"Ye... and Leonard. I want ye to be there."

Christine nodded.

"Well, sure. I'll be happy to."

She leaned over and pressed a kiss to Scotty's cheek before standing up and pulling him with her.

"Whenever you're ready," was all she said, and Scotty nodded.

Not yet. But soon.

#star trek #montgomery scott #leonard mccoy #scones #au #against all odds

[beansnpeets]

I just wanna start by saying I know I don't deserve the way he treats me and I am working on leaving. I'd still like to vent here since I am unable to leave just yet. You absolutely do not need to read these, I'm just getting it out. This one is tw for talk of suicide. Not me, other people.

Jon called me this afternoon, mid meltdown. He went to install a new doorknob at his one rental because the tenant wanted one of those smart ones or whatever, but he shows up and she's lost parts for it so he can't do it. So then he sees that her a/c is dripping inside the wall. Goes to put a drain hole in the right place, does Too Much, like he usually does and wrecked the a/c unit completely. So now he's mad at himself and swearing and upset and in this spiral of "everything sucks, nothing matters, everything I do is fucked, the universe is fucking me" and I don't fucking know what to do because I've heard this meltdown a million times, and yeah, he does get fucked over a lot, but not because he's stupid or anything. It's because he takes on these massive projects, not realizing how massive they are, like owning a rental property, and then when something goes wrong the stress absolutely destroys him. Like I feel bad that he has to deal with as much as he does, but at the same time......he's the one that's put himself in this spot. Same as every other time. He can't handle the massive amounts of responsibility that is required of something like this. He thinks he should be able to just set it and forget it. That if he just takes on all these things everything will just run itself. Like no my dude. You're the one running the ship. You're ultimately responsible for it. It's up to you. And then he's upset because he has all this shit he has to do and all these things piling up and not nearly enough time or energy to deal with it all. My guy. You are chronically ill and disabled and you're taking on more than any able bodied person would take on at one time. No fucking wonder you can't keep up. Fucking STOP. And like he makes enough money with just some of what he's doing that he doesn't need to take all this shit on, yet he does. I don't get it.

Obviously I feel terrible that he feels terrible and I wish I could help, but historically nothing I say helps and so I'm to the point now where I just sit here and go "yeah that sucks ☹️" and that doesn't seem to be what he wants either. Like it's as if he's asking me to fix it or tell him how to or something, but I CANT. I've tried to tell him to talk to his dr about his mental health and he never does, just says he can't remember to or he doesn't know how to explain it. And I tell him to talk to his literal therapist and he says if he isn't actively having a meltdown he can't communicate to her what is going on because he doesn't remember it. And like idk if it's just bullshit? Like is he just trying to elicit an emotional response out of me or is it genuine because at this point I'm starting to wonder. But the dude just can't handle stress at all. His brother is exactly the same and he's seen the toll that has put on the family. Yet he does nothing to deal with his own issues. I think he thinks he doesn't have issues and that it's the universe that is at fault and not him.

And part of why it's taken me so long to make steps to leave is his mental health. I don't know that he wouldn't hurt himself when I leave. He keeps saying he's so depressed and what's the point and he wishes it would end, but like 🤷 the guy I dated in high school threatened to kill himself a bunch of times and scared the absolute fucking lights out of me over it so many times and when I finally broke it off he recovered and he's still alive, probably more fine than before. It just feels like I'm back in that with Jon. It's similar shit to what Alex put me through and I didn't fucking appreciate it the first time and I certainly don't the second time.

I know I can't let his mental health keep me in an unhappy relationship and I know that me being here makes no difference to his mental health, but once I do leave I know it'll be more fuel to the fire that he thinks the universe is out to fuck him over. But, again, he's put himself in this situation. I didn't do this to him. He did this.

I just don't know what to do. When he's melting down and upset and trying to get interaction out of me at those times I do not know what to do. It's been over 5 years and I can't figure it out. Even this morning, he was angry as he was leaving and made some comment and when I didn't reply he scoffed and said something else, in reference to me ignoring him, and then stormed out. Like dude. I'm not going to engage with you when you're ragey and pissy. And he does that all the time. I used to engage, but I just ignore him now and he fucking HATES that. But nothing I do say makes any difference anyway. Sometimes it just winds him up more. Idk what to do. Idk how this guy can be helped. And I know it isn't up to me, but I wish I could at least tell him where to go to get the help he clearly needs. It's just been increasingly frustrating and the more I disengage from the relationship the less tolerance I have for his shit.

#personal

[mizumi-kahago-writing]

I know the algebraic expression of L-O-V-E [Kamunami/Hinanami & Yandere!Chiaki] - Chapter 6

Disclaimer: This is an AU in which the Chiaki AI got at least partially infected by the Junko Virus. This is what makes her become a Yandere and a bit out of character. This AU also entails Hajime and Izuru becoming more of a DID-System, instead of fusing into one person. The main difference, compared to the real illness, is that they can switch out consciousness at will. Also, major spoilers and canon divergence ahead. You have been warned.

﹀﹀﹀﹀︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶﹀﹀﹀﹀

Chapter 6

“Hajime?”

“Hajime?”

“Hajimeee?!”

A familiar voice was calling for him.

“Urg-… Chiaki?”

Slowly opening his eyes, he blinked the sleepiness away.

“Well close, but not quite. It’s me: I-BU-KI!” The chipper girl introduced herself.

“Haven’t I told you, to not break into my cottage all the time?” Shoving her off the bed, as he sat up.

“Why are you even here in the first place?”

“Well, Mikan said she heard heavy grunting from your window last night, so she sent Ibuki to check on you, if you’re still alive. Please report to Mikan immediately!” Exclaiming as she was full of energy already, this early in the morning.

“Grunting? What are you talking about? Tell Mikan I’m fine, no need to worry about me.” Shushing Ibuki out of his cottage.

“Awww fine. But still get your head checked by Mikan later. Oki doki?!”

“Yeah, just leave already.” Closing the door in front of her.

 “Heavy grunting, what happened?” Asking the only one who would know.

“Nothing. You had a nightmare. You’re a very talkative sleeper.”

“Then if it’s just that, there’s nothing for me to worry about.”

“I wouldn’t say so. Everything regarding Chiaki is really taking a toll on your mental health. As you do not wish to listen to me, the voice of reason, maybe you’d be benefiting from speaking to another specialist. I recommend visiting Mikan regardless, of the fact that you think you won’t need it.”

Hajime didn’t need his constant nagging, as he turned his head voice off, leaving for breakfast. He sat down alone on an empty table. As the half-eaten toast stuck out from his lips, he recalled all the impressions his friends gave him on the pressing matter so far.

Even if they were saying, what he wanted was wrong, was it really? Nagito said it could bring hope and despair, but Chiaki has always been a source of pure hope for everyone. Izuru worries too much about the virus escaping. That wasn’t a concern anymore, after the program had shut down completely. And lastly Kazuichi, who wasn’t much of a help either way, but was thrilled knowing Hajime had a project for him to work on.

“U-uh… excuse me. Is this seat taken?” The voice of a shy girl made him zoom back into reality. “Ah. Hi, Mikan. No, it’s fine, sit down.” Just a coincidence? He wasn’t sure.

“H-Hajime, is your head alright?” The nurse questioning him outright, just the moment after she sat down. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it? I’m fine.” Shoving down the rest of his breakfast, before taking a sip of coffee.

“It’s just, I heard you last night. You seemed in pain, but I didn’t want to intrude, so I asked Ibuki if she could check on you in the morning. I-I hope I didn’t do anything wrong.” It wouldn’t be a surprise if she’d start crying on the spot, while Hajime’s gaze sank deep into the caffeinated liquid he was consuming.

“Maybe don’t send Ibuki next time. Other than that, I’m fine.” Reassuring her.

“It may not be my place to speak up, but I can see that something is bothering you. Are you sure, you don’t want to talk about it?” Mikan questioned him and he almost chocked on his last sip. Coughing and holding his throat, as the hot beverage burned a bit.

“I said it’s fine. Please, everyone: Stop bothering me about it!” Raising his voice without him even noticing. A cry of help came from the fragile girl across the table. “Ah- Sorry Mikan, I didn’t intend to yell.” Calming her down quickly.

Nodding with tears in her eyes. “It’s just. Yeah, there might be something bothering me… but it’s difficult, alright?” Explaining the situation. “I-I understand, but it might be better for your mental health to share it with someone, y-you know? That’s just a suggestion, thou…”

“I guess. I asked a few people already, but no one could help me figure out, what to do.” Resting his chin on his hands, as he adverted his head to stare out of the window. “Maybe, I can help.” Mikan offered, in an unfittingly happy manner.

“I dunno. It’s… it’s about my love-life. What if the girl, who loves you asked you a very immoral favor?”

“Well, I’d do it without hesitation. I’d anything for someone who loves me.” A quick and expected answer from her. “But that’s just you, Mikan.”

“Maybe… but isn’t feeling love and being devoted to someone what makes us human? We’re only alive here today, because of Chiaki’s love for us all.” She got a point.

In the end, it was defying all expectations - and especially Izuru’s - what helped everyone come back to life. “You know what? Maybe you’re onto something there.” Giving her the benefit of the doubt.

As he leaned back, finishing his coffee, giving it a second thought. “You know, what’s the worst that could happen? Only good things, right?” Jumping out of his seat, he found a resolve for himself and all it needed was a little push.

“Hehe, I’m glad I could help you, Hajime.” Mikan giggled. “But please, be careful. If you feel nauseous or dizzy, please come back immediately and let me check you thoroughly.” Sending him off with that, but Hajime didn’t even hear her anymore as he was storming off already.

 Shoving the door open with a loud bang, he entered Chiaki’s room. “Hey, Chiaki! Wake up, I made my decision!” And as on cue, the monitor sprang to life, revealing the familiar looking face. “You did? I’m glad then. It’s that you want to build me a body, right?”

“Hmm!” A nod and a hum of agreement. “Oh, I’m so glad. We can finally be back together and hold each other’s hands, and play games, just like in the old times.” She seemed so very relieved about his decision.

“Well, just promise me, you don’t go overboard, alright? And let me take the lead on whom to meet and when. Then it should all be fine. Right?” Scratching the back of his neck as he stepped closer. “It’s just, we need to be careful about this. Promise me, alright?”

Placing his hand on the screen, feeling connected with her. “Of course, that shouldn’t be an issue for me.” Chiaki stated. “Good. Then I’ll let Kazuichi know, that I finally decided, and he’ll build you the best body you can hope for.”

As fast as he had entered the room, he left again. Leaving Chiaki behind with a big smile and a blush on her cheeks. “Finally, we can be back together. Forever.”

﹀﹀﹀﹀︶꒦꒷♡꒷꒦︶﹀﹀﹀﹀

« Chapter 5 | Chapter 6 | Chapter 7 »

#DanganRonpa #Dangan Ronpa #Dangan #Ronpa #DanganRonpa2 #Goodbye Despair #Danganronpa 2 Goodbye Despair #Fanfic #Fanfiction #Writing #Fan #Fiction #Hajime #Hinata #Hajime Hinata #Hinata Hajime #Izuru #Kamukura #Izuru Kamukura #Kamukura Izuru #Chiaki #Nanami #Nanami Chiaki #Chiaki Nanami #Yandere #AU #Yandere AU #Yandere Chiaki #Hinanami #Kamunami

[littlespoonevan]

Hello Ciara!!! I come to you looking for your wisdom bc, honestly, you actually helped before :)) so, i was offered a job promotion, as team coordinator, for the team I'm working in rn, at first i said no bc the manager is not what you wish to be, she's not the best manger 🙃 but now they asked again bc they don't have that many options and like, on one hand I'm thinking F the manager, maybe they'll change her soon, whatever, but at the same time, i tend to be such an anxious person and what if i can't handle it, what if i break down in a meeting and start crying in front of everyone???

But, uhm, I'm also considering accepting the offer bc of how scared i am? Push myself despite being afrain, and, what if it works? And then, i want to do it to understand what I'm capable of bc i keep saying that I'm not good at what i do, I'm just bluffing and hope it works out and nobody notices - which to some extent i know it's not true (gotta love the imposter syndrome on this one)

God, i wish to just be like one of those confident people that just go like, Yeah sure LET'S GOOOO!!!!

Also, i did not know you were watching stranger things!!!!

hey bud!! first of all, congratulations on the offer!! 🎉 but ahh that is a very tough situation - it's so frustrating just how much a manager/boss can negatively impact your experience of a job :/ especially when this should be an exciting moment for you!

i think there's two aspects you need to consider:

to what extent will you have to work with this manager?? is this literally someone you'll have to interact with and take orders from every single day or are they just the person in charge of your section/team? how likely do you think it is that they'll get to you/upset you? (especially if you’re interacting with them on a regular basis)

how worth it is the promotion? like, taking your manager out of it, is this a good career move and opportunity for you??? do you like the idea of the work? is it better pay??? to what extent do the pros outweigh the cons, y'know?

what i will say is that in my own experience and in that of my friends', no job is worth being treated badly by your superiors no matter how much you love it. before i had my current job i was working somewhere else for placement during my masters but the management was awful. like genuinely, absolutely terrible and treated us like we were worthless. in my case, i was doing the exact same profession in both instances so it wasn't hard for me to leave and go somewhere else. a friend of mine still works there but he was always able to shake off the issues we experienced in a way myself and our other friend couldn't so it never really got to him.

similarly my best friend loves her job as a vocation but has complained about her place of work for five years straight. and it all comes down to her management and the way the staff is treated. i've given up telling her to quit bc it’s clear she probably won’t since it’s one of the only places she can do the job she wants to do but i’m pretty sure she hasn’t been happy there a single day since 2017 and i know that’s taken a toll on her mental health

i honestly commend you for wanting to push through your anxiety to challenge yourself and take the job and i definitely don’t want to discourage you!! because like you said, it might be fine and you might be so much more capable at handling it than you even realise right now. and what a wonderful thing that would be to discover! i think the best thing i could say if you do want to take it is consider your escape route. if you take the offer and you don’t like it or your manager is really getting to you, what are your options??? is this contract based where you’d have to fulfill the role for a certain period of time or could you leave at any stage? is going back to your old position an option?

ultimately, just remember choosing it doesn’t mean you have to do it forever and that there’s nothing wrong with putting your mental health first if you need to. but also! if you decide to go for it, i have every faith and confidence in you that you’ll be amazing!!

i hope this was helpful in some way sjdafh let me know how it goes!! i’m rooting for you 💖

#anon #asks #also yes lol i am v much a stranger things fan!! #it took me ages to getting around to watching s4 vol 1 bc i was v busy and it was so Long so i had it blacklisted for like 3 weeks before i #watched it #conversely i was able to watch vol 2 straight away hence all the posts askjdf

[bugznews]

Dear Journal, Wednesday, April 24, 2024

My mom's car is officially getting fixed after our neighbor hit it. We just drove by the autobody shop here in town where it is. They have already removed the bumper to get to the panel of the car that got hit. Now since I have seen it pulled apart I am afraid that there is more damage than we expected. I am still waiting for a call from the autobody shop. It is just killing me.

Another problem I had today is that my computer mouse died. It was faithful to the very end. But it just can't keep up with the demands that I need it to. So I am going back to an Amazon basics mouse that connects directly to my computer. No more changing mouse batteries for me. I am going to go old school. That is the way to go. Then they never die. It was under $10.

So mentally I am a little anxious about how much the car is damaged. I don't know if I can survive with the crushed beer can the rental agency gave us for longer than a week. This car is made for small people, not big fat people. I fall in the second category.

My cat is currently on my mom's lap sucking up all the attention that she can. She loves it when my mom comes home from work. This is basically her time to sit on my mom's lap. She is out cold at the moment. It is quite cute. No matter what I am doing she doesn't care. This is normally the time that I work on my blog. Because she isn't driving me nuts. But she does it all night when my mom is at work.

Oh, I forgot about the great news that my mom brought home from work. She is going back to her old shift. I couldn't just jump up and down with happiness. But then my back would start acting up. So I better not do that. I will just sit here calmly and slurp my coffee. I can't live without my coffee sadly.

My cat is currently doing the impression of a sack of potatoes. At least it wasn't my knees that were going to be dead. So I get lucky in that perspective. My mom if she would be able to walk after the cat lay on her. Of course, my legs will be dead because I have this heavy laptop on my legs.

I am currently in front of my favorite show Law and Order. There isn't much else on during the day. I am just going to finish this blog and then go relax with some video games. My back is still bothering me so I can't do as much as I want to. I would like nothing more than to go back to my normal routine. I like being active. Now the only thing I can really do is sit around the house.

I think that my mom needs to slow down and get some sleep. But sometimes it does take a long time for her to fall asleep after working all night.

As you can tell this blog post is all about taking care of yourself. With my back that has been my main priority. Because if it isn't taken care of then I will never get better. But at the same time, I have to take care of my mental health. That means doing meditation each and every day. Otherwise, by now I would go nuts. Plus, I have been listening to a lot of music as of late. And then I have video games to keep me busy.

But tomorrow I have a therapy appointment so I will actually have to leave the house for a long. It is not online. It will be nice to be in person for once. But it also means I have to get dressed. I hope that my mom has fallen asleep that is how she takes care of herself. I still wish that my physical therapist would call. I am waiting for a cancellation to come so I can get in sooner. That would really be helpful. At least then I could get off the pain medication and start moving again.

This has really started driving me nuts. Which means it is taking a toll on my mental health. I want to go back to living my life. But at the same time, I am afraid to. I like being able to stay home all the time. But I know that I need to start living my life again. I can't just stay home day after day doing nothing.

My mental health is starting to suffer because of it. I am going to have to do some meditation after I am done with this blog. Then I can work on my mental health. Plus, I can start to play video games. I might even put on my Taylor Swift music because there isn't much to do. But I felt that I had a responsibility to you, my blog readers.

That is something that I take very seriously. I almost didn't do a post for today. So even though I didn't have anything really to say I dug deep. I can't wait to be whole again. But as long as my back is acting up I can't do much. This is taking my toll to come up with new material for this blog. I hope that all of you are doing okay. I know that it is important for me to share my life with each of you. I don't have much else to say. My mom just finished her drink. But I do try to fill a whole page before I post my blog. Then I feel like I have accomplished something grand each and every day.

I am also deciding what I am going to have lunch today. I am not sure if I am going to order out or if I am going to make something here at the house. I know that I have no money left for door dashing.

My mom kind of launched my poor cat off her lap. I don't think that she realized she was still there. Even I do it sometimes. Because you can't always tell that she is there. The bird that lives on my patio is back. I am surprised that my cat isn't watching her at the moment. Have a good day.

#mental health awareness

[sarahthevampyrslayer]

Journal Entry | Dec. 31, 2022

As it inches closer and closer to my 32nd birthday I'm growing more and more nervous about our decision to possibly move back in with my parents in February. The more I think about it the more unresolved trauma springs up and the more unsettling the thought of living with them again becomes. Talking about what I dealt with growing up, especially once I left school at 16, is so difficult for me because my entire family has always gaslighted me into thinking what I experienced was okay or just "normal." And as I've gotten older and learned more, I've realized that what I had to put up with was far from okay and although it's painted as "normal" in our society, it most certainly shouldn't be.

This morning an overwhelming sense of anxiety and dread came over me at the thought of having a day off while living with my parents. I remember when I was 16-19, always working 2 full time jobs and a third part time job, hardly ever having a full complete day off. Partly because I had rent and bills to pay, and partly because I was working as many hours as I could just to avoid being at home. And those rare times, two or three times a month, I would have a full complete 24 hours off of work I would be nagged by my parents for being "lazy" and staying in bed all day. They would come in my room (that I was paying $400 a month for, this was in 2007 btw) and wake me up at 9am. They'd turn on my lights and pull my blankets off of me. They would guilt trip me into believing that relaxing in bed all day wasn't something I deserved to do because I was a high school dropout. I didn't deserve to enjoy my time off because why was I getting to lay in bed all day while they had to do... whatever it is they were doing that day.

So, I'd get up and get dressed and go out. I didn't even need to do anything, but I'd just pretend to be busy so my parents wouldn't nag me about how lazy I was being. And it worries me that I'll be put back into this position again. Having to make myself busy 24/7 around them just to avoid having to spend an hour listening to my father tell me how disappointed he is that I'm not more like my brother. I work for myself now and unfortunately; I've developed a chronic pain condition that sometimes puts me down for a few days at a time. And it's extremely important for my health that I take those days to regain my strength and relax my body and mind. Or else I risk burnout and when that happens, I'm out for weeks at a time. I just don't want to stress my body out like I did back then. I don't want to be in a position where I have to choose between my physical health and my mental health.

Living with someone like my boyfriend for the last 12 years has been an eye opener for how someone is supposed to be treated. He understands what I deal with because he witnesses the toll it takes on my physical and mental health. And he allows me the space I need to deal with the limitations my chronic condition sometimes puts on me. He sometimes complains but not about me taking 3 days off to literally lay around and do absolutely nothing at all, but about the fact that he wishes he could do more to help me beyond just making space for me to exist without expectations. He still doesn't really realize how incredibly helpful just being understanding is for me. Or that just giving me time to regroup is the most helpful thing he can do for me.

My parents have never been like this towards me. The fact that I can remember every serious health scare I had growing up because I was never believed when I would say something was wrong, should be proof enough that I've never had my health taken seriously. That really messed with me. I had to relearn to take care of myself and not wait until I was barely alive to seek aid and treatment when I needed it. I vividly remember sitting on the living room floor at midnight, my mom rocking me back and forth as I'm crying in her arms about a toothache, and my dad yelling at me that I wasn't going to get out of going to school by faking a toothache. The next morning, after my mom gave me some children's Tylenol to help with the pain so I would go to sleep, I woke up and the entire left side of my jaw and neck was so swollen I could barely breath. My mom made me an emergency dentist appointment, where they had to remove 3 of my baby teeth to drain my jaw because I had a blood infection. I was 10.

Want to know what my dad's response was when he got home from work that evening and saw my face all swollen, mouth still full of gauze and leaking blood? "You're not getting out of school tomorrow too just because your mouth hurts." But doctors' orders were that I was to stay home for the rest of the week because I had to wait for the antibiotics to begin working to ensure I wasn't at risk of making it worse or something. I don't remember why. But I remember every single day my dad was an asshole towards me and made me feel so bad and guilty that I, a 10-year-old child, was taking time to relax and get healthy after suffering with a serious blood infection.

The thought of being back there. A 10-year-old again, crying on the floor trying to convince her parents that the pain she feels is real. I just don't think I can do that again. My boyfriend reminds me daily that this will not be like it was when I was a kid. I now have him on my side. I have him to help fight my battles. The thing is, I don't want to fight any battles. I don't want to be at war with my parents. I just want a healthy relationship with them. I just don't think that's possible. He also reminds me that this is only temporary. We're just taking this step so we can get out of current problem. And that dealing with my parents for a few months is going to be much easier than dealing with the lifelong medical conditions we're going to end of developing if we stay living in this black mold infested apartment. He reminds me that I'm already dealing with so much (medically) and that a few months of dealing with my parents is going to lead to a new place for us that's all ours and safe and healthy.

But 10-year-old me is still there, just waiting for the next shoe to drop.

#mydiary #12/31/2022

[plugnuts]

here's another one < 3

Gosh anon you are too sweet thank you again, you’ve given me a reason to smile <3

#ask #anonymous #i am so fully of fear right now #any little noise will make me jump right out of my skin #i feel so guilty anon #my and her were literally talking about being thankful for having alex (the car that is now.. dead) and now.. this #he was in for his MOT and.. yeah #i don't know what to do i am just.. so scared #but your lil hearts are so sweet thank you #i just.. #it doesn't help that we have SUCH bad luck with cars #like.. the worst luck #and now we're screwed over again #it's.. taken such a toll on her mental health and i wish i could help her.. #sigh

[goldencherryhazz]

For Me?

A/n: I haven’t written anything in ages so this is probably going to be shit but idc! I hope you enjoy it tho :)

Warnings: mostly fluff, a pinch of angst and a smutty twist at the end!

‘Thankyou!’ Harry waved at the florist as he exits the shop juggling shopping bags and the beautiful bunch of flowers he had got for his girl, it was a Friday night and you had had a stressful week at work, from paperwork to rude clients, it had really taken a toll on you, so Harry thought that the least he could do was get you flowers and make dinner for you.

He pulls up into your driveway, excited to see you even though he had seen you last this morning, there was just something about having you in his presence that comforted him no end. Once he manages to open the front door he is greeted with the warm of your home instantly hearing him up from the bitter London air, he also registers the scent of you favourite candles lingering in around the hallway.

‘Y/n where are you darling’ he sing songs gracefully dumping the contents of his hands onto the floor, obviously being careful with the flowers.

‘In here H’ you call from the living room, and it’s like his ears are drawn to the sound of your voice as his legs instantly start moving to your destination. Upon seeing you he frowns, you nose was buried in pages and pages of paperwork and files, a laptop set up next to you and you seem to be spitting yourself between the two writing 1 second then moving to your laptop the next.

‘Hi H, you okay?’

No’ he says quite bluntly, noticing the bags that were starting to grow under you eyes from lack of sleep.

‘Why not, what happened lovie’ and he could cry at the fact that you were concerned about his well-being whilst having not payed any attention to your own.

your overworking yourself baby, don’t like seeing you all stressed because you are drowning yourself with your work

‘You look up to him ‘oh I thought something bad had actually happened to you, panicked me a bit.’

He can’t help but get angry at that, he hated that she was so blazé about her own mental health ‘baby something is wrong, and I’m not going to stand here another second and let you do any more work, your done’ he walks over closed the lid of you laptop firmly .

Bu-

‘No buts darling, you’ve done so much for your job but not anything actually for yourself, need to take a break and look after that pretty head of yours’

‘I can’t just leave it though, my boss will go mad at me and there are other colleagues that need me to do my bit before they can do thier job’

Does it sound or look like I give two shits about them, I only care about you and those emails and that paperwork is still going to be there on Monday, the world isn’t going to stop because you didn’t answer an email and if anyone has anything to say about it then they can come to me and I will make them wish they hadn’t said anything at all’, he say sternly.

You sit there and don’t even argue with him because you know that he is right and you do need to take some time for yourself ‘I’m sorry bub’ you say defeated

‘No, no apologising baby, you don’t have anything to be sorry for just hate seeing you like that, he kneels down infront of where you’re perched on the sofa reaching a hand up to stroke your cheek and you muzzle into it, a wave of comfort falling over you the after affects making you a bit less stressed than you had been for the past few days.

‘I got something for you actually baby, give me two ticks. He tottles off to the hallway before promptly returning to the living room obviously carrying something behind his back ‘close you eyes and hold your hands out darling’ he smiles at you. He places the bunch in your awaiting hands ‘you can open those pretty eyes now’

‘When you do you are greeted with a beautiful selection of jasmine, peonies and cherry blossoms’, and for some reason you start to tear up

‘Those are for me?’ You look up at him and the sight is heartbreaking to him, he wanted to make you happy not cry.

‘Yeah they’re yours baby, what’s wrong darling why are you crying.

‘No one’s bought me flowers before’ you smile through the tears and Harry swears if words could kill he would have dropped dead on the floor.

‘You’re not being serious baby, no one’s ever had the decency to buy you flowers?’ He says gobsmacked.

‘Yeah, my ex never really got me anything like this just out of the blue I was lucky to get something on my birthday.’ You pick at some of the delicate petals.

Harry can’t get his head around it the fact that his girl had never been bought flowers before, he got angry all over again, the frown on his face was highlighting the thoughts swirling in his brain. ‘People are dickheads’ he states quite matter of factly.

Sitting down next to you he places his ringed fingers over your thigh before muttered ‘c’mere baby’ he gestures for you to come closer. You put the bunch of flowers down carefully not wanting a single petal to be damaged, and then climb into his lap. He immediately pulls you in for a cuddle and you nuzzle your tear stained face into his warm neck, he starts to leave little kisses across the visible part of you face and neck to which you giggle out at, you don’t stay like this for too long because soon he hooks a finger under you chin lifting your face out of the confinements of his neck wanting a proper kiss, you melt into it instantly his hands grabbing the sides of your face.

He pulls away eventually his green orbs still staring into yours ‘I just want you to know baby that I don’t know what the fuck was going though your ex’s head but a girl like you deserves all the flowers in the world’ and you could cry at that. ‘Thankyou H, your the best, you know that right’ he smiles a big toothy grin at that.

‘You don’t need to thank me baby, gonna buy you all the flowers in the world i swear’ he connects your lips after that symbolising to you that he meant it with it his whole heart.

A kiss turned into a heated makeout session, his teeth nipping at your bottom lip before exploring your mouth with his tongue, the subtle grind of your hips against him making his cock begin to harden in the confines of his trousers. ‘Fuck baby, feels so good’ he grasps your hips pressing you down even further against his cock, the stimulation to your clit sending a euphoric rush up your spine, the moan you let out filling the entire room.

After a few more moments to Harry’s surprised you lift yourself from his lap making his hands drop harshly to the sofa, his mouth parting in shock, and the tent in his trousers entirely too prominent.

‘Where do you think your going’ he says utterly confused.

‘Gotta go and put my flowers in water, wouldn’t want them to die now would I’ you say grasping the bunch, smiling at him all too innocently like the past 5 minutes failed to exist.

‘Such a little minx, you know that’

‘Guess you’re going to have to punish me then aren’t you?’ You shout from the kitchen over the running tap.

He swear he feels his pupils dilate at that, ‘fuck your so hot, how did I get soo lucky.’ He contemplates the love he had for you, knowing that by morning would have the imprints of his initials all over your ass, truly marking you as his.

#harrystyles #harry styles fic #harry styles x reader #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harrystyles dirty #harry styles one shot #harry fluff #harry smut #harry imagine #harry fic #hs fic #hs1 #fine line #harry edward styles #proud of harry #harries #love on tour #hslot #harry styles cute #harry styles hot #but daddy i love him #watermelon sugar #harry styles imagine #harry styles fluff imagine #harrystylessmutimagine #love harrystyles #harry update #loveharry

[radioactivepeasant]

Fic Prompts: Wind Waker Wednesday

Theres a Wind Waker au in my head and it won't leave. So here's the context before the snippet.

Basically, when Hyrule floods, Impa and several other Sheikah fight a losing battle to save as many people as they can. In a controversial move, Impa warps to the desert to try to save the Gerudo. For her, it's a penance for the crimes her ancestors committed against the Gerudo in the Shadow Temple.

Hyrule floods, and thousands of species and records and treasures are lost forever. Ganondorf rises and is determined to bring it all back, no matter the cost. He believes he is the sole surviving Gerudo, and it's taken a massive toll on his overall mental and emotional health even without Demise whispering in the back of his mind.

[[MORE]]

Aryll, being the sweetheart she is, actually manages to get it out of him that his whole family drowned. Being like, eight, she jumps to the conclusion that his bird is kidnapping Hylian girls because its master misses his daughters and its just trying to help. Ganondorf finds her naivete somewhat endearing, and allows her to wander the fortress when she wants to.

Meanwhile the Gerudo are not extinct. They've become a sort of integrated culture with the surviving Sheikah, in seven tribes -- each descended from one of Ganondorf's daughters who survived the flood -- in floating cities. A son from the Laroba tribe married Zelda's great-great-granddaughter, making Tetra a Sheik-Gerudo and Hylian Royal by blood. She usually only sees her cousins during reunions, but they occasionally cross paths on the open ocean.

Tetra calls on some of her Aunts and cousins to help her when Link needs to save Aryll. Gerudo kids Ganno, Imp, Nabi, and Zumi arrive with Aunt Karsh, Grandmother Ramella, Aunt Aveil, and Ancient Grandmother Impa, and Ganondorf gets the shock of his life.

Ultimately he's given the choice to leave his fortress and be part of a community again. To be a grandfather and great-grandfather, respected for his memory of the Before times and loved just for being one of them.

Link, who is 12 and much too young to be a warrior, keeps dropping hints with the subtlety of a freight train that if Ganondorf does this, he won't have to fight him anymore

________________________________________

"Voba'ba! Is it true that Gerudo used to live on a beach so big you couldn't even see the ocean?"

"Voba'ba, I can stand on my head, look!"

"Voba'ba, all we have are the legends passed down by our foremothers. Were sons really so rare before the flood?"

"Voba'ba, what's a horse?"

Ganondorf could not have answered every question if he'd tried. His vision blurred, blending the children's faces into a sea of browns and oranges and reds. The Gerudo lived. He wasn't alone!

His long years of nightmares, waking in the small hours with images of his people choking on the waves, and now he knew that some of them had lived. He mourned the five daughters and countless sisters and mothers and cousins he had lost. But seven- seven of his daughters had lived to create tribes of their own. These ships full of vai -- and even voe -- these journeyers had come from him! They harnessed that very wind he had so coveted, and used it to go wherever they wished, without borders to stop them.

Ganondorf laughed, and did not brush the tears from his face.

#zelda week #wind waker wednesday #fic prompts #writing prompts #gerudo #Ganondorf #wind waker ganondorf #tetra #aryll #wind waker aryll #ganondorf still has ambitions of getting his hands on the triforce #but now he tries to pass it off as an old man in need of a hobby #he has so many grandchildren and great grandchildren and they all want to be pirates he's so proud #he is NOT sure how he feels about technically being Tetra's great-grand-something #he might rub it in Daphnes Nohansen Hyrule's face tbh

[yourmidnightlover]

all my fault

Request: spencer and y/n are married, and they’ve been trying to have kids, and then she finds out she’s pregnant. a few weeks into the pregnancy, she has a miscarriage, and at the hospital the doctor said it’s bc she had an abortion as a teenager, and it fucked up her it yet us. spencer didn’t know she had an abortion, and blames her for the death of the baby, and they end up sleeping separately for a while and they have to grieve by themselves. spencer ends up talking to emily about it bc of her experience and it has a comforting ending!

Summary: when reader has a miscarriage after trying to have a baby with spencer, and things about her past are revealed and leaves things rocky within their relationship.

CW: miscarriage, pregnancy, mention of abortion, spencer’s rly harsh at first, teenage pregnancy, mentions of surgery, a cervix condition that i kinda made up, depressive thoughts, negative self-worth, HAPPY ENDING. *please let me know if i’ve missed anything*

A/N: i’ve been working on coming up with a series, which i posted last thursday! i’m sorry i haven’t been as consistent with my schedule, this summer has really taken a toll on my mental health and school is about to start back up. i promise i’m not quitting writing, but my writing might become a bit more sporadic in terms of my posting schedule. i’m still not sure if i like how i’ve executed this piece, so please let me know what you think!

IMPORTANT A/N: this contains serious topics centered around pregnancy and abortion. reader end up blaming herself and it is a very triggering subject to some. if you aren’t comfortable with those kinds of depressive thoughts PLEASE DONT READ. i don’t want anyone to be triggered by my writing. your mental health matters. you matter. do not read if your sensitive to the subject matter, please!

———————————————————————

when you and spencer checked the third pregnancy test and saw those two, very clear lines on the stick, you felt an unbelievable amount of joy.

“oh my god,” you clamped your hand over your mouth, your eyes welling with tears.

“y/n…” he held his breath, holding your free hand with both of his own.

“you’re gonna be a dad,” you huffed out a laugh as his arms flew around you.

“and you’re gonna be a mom! we’re gonna have our own little family,” he cheered as he breathed in your scent, elated from the news he had hoped for since you said ‘i do.’

spencer had wanted to be a father since he met henry, you remember how attached he was to the child who wasn’t even his own. you hadn’t always wanted children, only when you were absolutely ready for them. now, you were more than ready.

your arms flew around spencer’s neck as his went around your waist. he dropped to his knees and began pressing kisses against a bump that wasn’t even visible yet, praising you and your body for carrying his child.

because it was so hard for you to get pregnant, spencer decided to baby you every chance he got. you didn’t do the dishes or sweep, you weren’t allowed to reach for high shelves or even step on a chair to do so. he was worried about you and the baby, so you let him. you found it endearing.

the perfect man that you married was so worried about the little bean inside of you, worried for your safety, that it drove him a bit mad. who were you to complain? each time he’d do one of the new little quirks like not letting you lift anything above 10 pounds, you just smiled to yourself and brushed it off.

being pregnant was something that you had lost hope for, in all honesty. spencer had been talking to a few friends who had adopted children prior to finding out you were pregnant. if this hadn’t worked out, the two of you were going to look into adoption.

spencer had planned your doctors appointment for 6 weeks after your last period. the appointment was in three days. and then the perfect outline you had for your future went down in crumbles.

you had been having pains in your lower abdomen, and you figured it was just because you were pregnant. you went to the bathroom like you normally would when you felt queasy, kneeling by the toilet in preparation for what was to come. only nothing came.

you decided to just go pee and get back to bed. there was a pain that wasn’t like you’d felt before when you were peeing, like someone had been pulling your intestines out of your body. when you looked down, you felt your stomach drop.

“spencer!” you cried out. “spencer, hurry!” you felt tears well in your eyes until he ran up beside you. his hand was on your thigh as the other one was trying to steady your shaking hand.

“what is… oh,” he looked in the toilet to see blood inside of it.

“spencer… what happened? i don’t know what happened. everything was doing so well and the baby-we just found out and now they’re-wh-what’s gonna happen?” you rambled out, unsure of how something this horrific happened so quickly.

“i-i don’t know, my love,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “i don’t know. but we’ll go to the hospital right now, okay? we’ll get answers.”

you just nodded. you couldn’t speak anymore. you felt your throat closing in on yourself. you cleaned yourself up and got dressed. even looking in the mirror with spencer’s arms around you, you didn’t feel anything but guilt and worry.

spencer’s touch would usually be something to ease your mind and take away the thoughts of everything else around you. only this was something wrong inside of you. you were the problem this time. and you didn’t think anything could fix this feeling.

“let’s get to the hospital, yea?” you nodded as he held onto your hand, trying to ground you to himself as he guided you to the car.

you were silent the entire drive to the doctor. there was nothing to say. there was nothing to do. there was just… nothing. you were numb.

“hey,” he spoke up, “we don’t know what happened yet. there’s a chance it’s just a fluke, right? the baby might be okay.”

“what’re the statistics, spencer? tell them to me,” you ordered as tears flowed from your eyes.

“y/n…”

“tell me! why don’t you want me to know?!” you accused him, looking over at the man driving as he but his lower lip. “1 in 4 women who experience bleeding during a pregnancy are fine. 25 percent. the other 75 percent of people have either a miscarriage or serious complications. those are the statistics.”

“y/n…” he sighed, “it’s not your fault. you didn’t want this to happen. besides, there’s still a 25 percent chance that nothings wrong.”

“whatever,” you rolled your eyes and opted to look out of the window for the remainder of the drive to the hospital.

-

“alright,” the doctor entered the room. “we have the results from the test and we’ve examined the ultrasound pictures. i’m so sorry, but you’ve had a miscarriage.”

what were you supposed to feel? an overwhelming sense of sorrow? like a failure? like the one thing you wanted most in the world fell through?

“how-how did this happen?” you spoke through the tears. “we were so-we were careful. i didn’t lift heavy objects, i didn’t do repetitive motions, i just… we tried so hard to make this work,” you shook your head in disapproval, as if you wouldn’t accept the answer that had already been proven to you.

“there’s proof of an abortion when you were a teenager. there was severe damage done to your cervix that wasn’t assessed pre-pregnancy. now, we can repair the damage within the next two months, but it will still be difficult to become pregnant after the surgery,” the female informed you.

“then what’s the point of getting the surgery?” you scoffed, looking at spencer who was just staring off in space.

“while getting pregnant will still be difficult, maintaining the pregnancy is much more likely. the fetus would be more protected and secure after the surgery,” she explained with a pitiful smile, you couldn’t help but wonder how she could smile after giving you the worst news of your life.

“right,” you nodded curtly, allowing her to sense the mood of the conversation.

“i’ll leave you two be. i’m so sorry for your loss,” she gave the both of you a pitiful smile before exiting the room, the only sound audible being the closing of the door.

it didn’t feel real. it felt as though you were in a nightmare. only this time, you wouldn’t wake in spencer’s comforting arms. you wouldn’t hear the soft soothing voice of the man you love trying to calm you down. you wouldn’t feel the solace he would provide by merely being himself in your proximity.

the drive home was eerily quiet. there was an inkling of animosity between you. looking over at spencer in the driver’s seat, he had a dead look on his face, the only sign of previous emotion being his red-rimmed eyes and tear-stained cheeks. he didn’t even look like your spencer. he looked like a stranger in the drivers seat with a cold expression that you could barely read.

you knew this was something you should talk about. when the nurse came back in the room it was only to offer a few referrals go therapists that specialized in this kind of grief. clearly, any couple should talk about losing an unborn baby. but you knew that’s not what spencer was truly upset about.

you waited until you shut the door to your apartment before saying anything.

“maybe we should talk about it?” you whispered, not knowing how he’d react.

“about what? the fact that you’ve lied to me for our entire relationship?!” he wouldn’t even turn around to face you. “i thought we were in this together, y/n. we aren’t supposed to keep secrets from each other - especially not any that just killed our child!”

“hey…” you winced at his words. “why would you say that?”

“that’s the truth! your choices when you were a teenager just killed our child! my child!” he finally turned to face you, and you wished he hadn’t.

“do you think i knew they would botch my abortion, spencer?! do you think that’s what i wanted?!” you stepped closer to him, he sighed and ran a hand through his hair.

“i don’t know what you want anymore, y/n,” he shook his head, clearly exasperated.

“i want you. i want to get the surgery to fix my cervix. i want to grieve our child. i still want kids… with you, spencer,” you tried to ease the mood, calm him down. you reached your hand out to cup his cheek before he dodged your touch, afraid of touching you. “but you don’t want that?” you whispered so quiet, too afraid of the answer to raise your voice.

“i-“ he sighed and bit his lower lip. “i don’t know.”

“right. of course you don’t,” you shook your head before sitting on the couch, dropping your face in your hands.

“what’s that supposed to mean?” he scoffed as he took off his coat.

“it means that: of course, you’re making this about you! it can’t be about us grieving our loss together like the doctor recommended?!” you peeked between your hands at the man you still didn’t recognize.

“maybe we shouldn’t grieve together since we can’t even have a conversation without getting angry at one another,” he tried to reason.

“the only reason i’m getting mad is because you’re blaming me for my baby’s death,” you spat back at the doctor before you.

“because it’s your fault!” he stood strong in his belief. “when you were a teenager, did you or did you not have an abortion?”

“i did,” you admitted.

“and the nurse said that in said abortion, they screwed your cervix up! if you didn’t have that abortion, our child would still be alive! we would be on our way to become happy parents!” he accused, rubbing salt in the already stinging wound. “it’s your fucking fault!”

“stop saying that,” you shook your head and dropped it back in your hands, trying to hide the tears that began to flow down your face.

“it is, y/n! i can’t believe you’re even trying to say this isn’t!” he chuckled, clearly getting under your skin.

“shut up, spencer!”

“i can’t, y/n!” he sat in the chair across from you before standing back up, too hyper to sit. “no wonder it was so hard for you to get pregnant.”

“spencer,” you begged him to stop, meeting his face with your teary eyes.

“y/n,” he stared you in the eyes, and you saw a glimpse of the man you loved for a second before he retreated to the bedroom.

you sat on the couch in confusion of what had just occurred.

when you were 15, you’re boyfriend was adamant about taking your relationship “to the next step.” you didn’t think you were ready to have sex, but you wanted him to stay with you. so, you gave in. it just so happened to be that you were one of the lucky girls that ends up getting pregnant her first time in spite of birth control and a condom. you couldn’t tell your mom about your pregnancy, she’d have your head on a pole.

so, you earned enough money from your job to get an abortion yourself. you went to a clinic and had your boyfriend’s mom come with you to sign as your guardian. was it smart to get an abortion that cheap? probably not. but you had no other choice. your mom had made it abundantly clear that if she caught you fooling around with him that she’d kick you out.

you were 15. you were young and still had to finish high school. there was no support system for you. you would’ve been on the streets with a little baby - not to mention the amount of debt you’d go into for just giving birth to a child in a hospital. it was the only choice.

and now you were being berated for making the only choice you even had - and by the person you loved most in the world.

you curled into yourself on the couch, laying your head on the arm and crying into the fabric. you released all of the tension and turmoil. you held onto the cushions as if it were the man that you wanted - no, needed to comfort you. because as much as you’d hate to admit it and try to fight those thoughts, part of you thought that spencer was right. it was your fault.

you fell asleep on the couch that night. you didn’t have the strength to get up to grab a blanket so you just sucked it up.

spencer didn’t sleep at all. he was used to having you curled into his chest, or himself on yours. he felt terrible about how he had talked to you, but he was too stubborn to admit anything just yet.

in the middle of the night he went out of the room to grab a glass of water. he saw you curled up in a ball, you head resting on the arm of the couch as you slept. it was the most peaceful you looked in the past 24 hours. but you began shivering as you slept. you were probably too exhausted to get up to do anything.

he went to the hall closet on a detour and grabbed your favorite, soft blanket and laid it on top of your body. after placing a soft kiss on your forehead, he went into the kitchen and made his glass of water before taking one more glance at you. you had snuggled into the blanket, pulling it up to your chin with a gentle smile that always appeared when he kissed your forehead as you slept.

maybe he didn’t screw up too badly, after all.

the next few days were spent avoiding one another. spencer couldn’t face you after knowing you had kept something so dire from him for the entirety of your relationship. you couldn’t face him after he made you feel as though it was your fault you lost your baby.

you would stay on the couch all day, barely eating or drinking anything while spencer would go out - only mentioning the library or the office to do more paperwork. eventually he just started sleeping at morgan’s house - probably because he couldn’t stand being around you.

you didn’t know how to grieve your baby, you were hoping that spencer might help, but that clearly won’t be happening. on top of that, you were worrying about your marriage. he couldn’t even look at you, how was he supposed to talk to you and sleep beside you?

a lot of times, it’s perceived that the only reason women were put on this planet were to have children - of course that’s a false notion, but it didn’t make it sting any less. your body had betrayed you. you had betrayed yourself.

it was only 12 days after spencer left when he came back home, if he could call it that anymore. once he walked into the living room, he saw you curled up in that same position on the couch. you had a blank stare that was directed towards the black tv. the only evidence that you were doing something was the empty water bottles surrounding you - certainly not enough considering he’d been gone for over a week.

when he entered you didn’t even flinch. your gaze stayed on the empty screen and your face remained vacant of any emotion.

in all honesty, morgan was the one to tell spencer he should check on you. spencer hadn’t told him everything about your argument, he knew he was in the wrong. but he was just so angry. regardless, he was here now, and it’s a good thing he was.

you hadn’t been taking care of yourself. spencer had morgan and savannah checking on him, but you had nobody. he only realized this when morgan pointed it out. and as upset as he was, spencer would always love you. your expressionless face only worried him more. your clothes had been changed from when he last saw you, but he doubts you’ve had a shower.

he stayed silent as he began picking up the empty water bottles from around the table and couch. you looked at him quizzically with furrowed brows.

“what’re you doing?” you asked, your chin already quivering as tears threatened to stream down your face.

“i’m trying to help,” he whispered as sensitively as he could, making eye contact with the most pitiful face you’d ever seen.

“i think you’ve helped enough,” you rolled your eyes before resuming your serious stare-down with the television. “you can leave.”

“no, i can’t,” he replied, sitting down on the opposite end of the couch while being sure not to touch you - he didn’t know if you were ready for that.

“you already did,” you brought to his attention, briefly looking at him. “just go.”

“y/n, i-“

“i don’t want to hear it! what’re you gonna say that could make me feel worse, spencer?!” you let the tears fall past your waterline. “i know it’s my fault. i know i screwed up! and i’m sorry! i’m so sorry!” you replied with far too much sincerity, the tears streaming down your face before he scooted closer to you, planning on wrapping his arms around you. “stop! don’t come near me!” you pushed his shoulders away. “it’s my fault,” you lowered your voice significantly before wrapping your arms around yourself.

he had called emily as soon as he got back into the bedroom. he knew she had previously had an abortion when she was a teenager, and he just needed to hear her side of it. part of him didn’t even expect her to pick up the phone.

“reid, what’s wrong?” she immediately answered.

“i-i think i need to talk to you,” he whispered in a hushed tone.

“right now?” she asked in a mildly concerned tone.

“if you can? the sooner the better,” he answered honestly.

“alright. you want to meet somewhere or just come over?”

“can i just come over? it’s really personal and i wasn’t sure who else to go to,” he began tying his shoes and hoping she’d agree.

“of course, come on over,” she replied in a worried voice.

“ok. i’ll be there in twenty.”

he quietly left the apartment, not before sparing you a regretful glance. he lost his child, but you also lost your child as well. he just couldn’t control his anger. and partially, he thought he was right.

how could you not have told him about something so serious? the second you had began having issues getting pregnant, maybe you should’ve been open about previous pregnancies.

“hey,” emily greeted before giving him a hug after seeing his teary eyes. “come inside.”

“thanks,” he sniffled before stepping into her apartment.

she guided him into her living room and sat down on the couch beside him. they sat there for a few silent minutes before he was able to work up enough courage.

“y/n was pregnant,” he whispered, barely audible if she weren’t right beside him.

“was,” she pointed out, already feeling as though she knew the rest of the story.

“she uhm-she miscarried two weeks ago,” he somberly admitted for the first time to someone else. “the doctor said it was because she had an abortion when she was a teenager that somehow ruined her cervix.”

“and that’s why you felt like you needed to talk to me?” she gathered, she was a great profiler for a reason but this was far more obvious.

“i was pretty harsh. i-i told her it was her fault,” he bit his lower lip as he grimaced. “i really rubbed it in, too.”

“spencer… “ she sighed, taking a deep breath before continuing. “you’re mourning a life, right now. obviously, that would raise tensions and emotions would be heightened. but… have you apologized? for telling her it was her fault?”

“no?” he replied after thinking about it. “i was going to do that today but she’s… she’s not in good shape. i’m not saying she needs to be perfect, but while i was at derek’s i can tell she didn’t take care of herself. she barely drank any water.”

“did you ask her why she had an abortion? why she didn’t tell you? did you ask her anything about how she’s feeling?” emily asked once more.

“no,” he cowered down, feeling even worse about the truthful answer. “i was just… selfish. i didn’t think about how she’s feeling. i just-i feel so bad now, seeing what state she’s in.”

“when i got an abortion it was because i wasn’t ready for a child,” she began to inform him. “i was a child, myself. how was a child supposed to take care of another one? my mother would’ve been disgraced. i basically had nobody there for me. i kept it a secret because having an abortion is so controversial. i knew people would look at me differently for making a responsible decision for my future.”

“god, i feel so bad,” he began to tear up himself. “i love her so much and i told her these horrible things.”

“make it right, spencer,” she gave him a supportive smile and pat his thigh before he stood up.

“i-i have to go,” he wiped the tears from his face before giving emily a hug, grateful she would listen to him at such an ungodly hour.

he quickly drove back home, where he decidedly belonged in the first place. he never should’ve left home. he never should’ve left you. you were his home, and he didn’t know how he could possibly lose sight of that.

“y/n,” he cooed as he entered the apartment once more. it was noticeably a bit more clean. the trash was taken out, the dishes were done, and your hair was wet from a shower - he assumed. “hey,” he smiled when he saw you sitting on the bed, cheeks still red and tear-stained with red, puffy eyes.

“hi,” you sighed as you brushed your hair, spencer sat down beside you.

“how’re you feeling?” you shrugged. “i need to apologize to you,” he admitted, placing a hand on your thigh. “i’m so, so sorry for what i said. telling you that it’s your fault that we lost our child… i-there’s no excuse. i was clearly upset, but so were you. what i said was so out of line, and i’ll never be able to express how sorry i am to you.”

“you’re right,” you shrugged. “it was my fault.”

“no,” he rubbed his thumb on your skin. “it was not your fault. i’m so sorry i made you believe that.”

“when i was 15 my boyfriend at the time pressured me to have sex. we used a condom and i was in birth control but i still-i still ended up pregnant,” you began, taking a deep breath before continuing. “i couldn’t tell my mom because she would’ve kicked me out, so i saved up some money and had his mom take me to a cheap clinic. she signed as my mom and i got the procedure done. that was the end of it,” you finished tears streaming down your face. “a few weeks after the procedure i started having pains in like my lower back, but i didn’t think anything of it. so… it is my fault. i shouldn’t have gone to a cheap clinic, but i couldn’t live on the streets with a baby and no way to clothe or feed them.”

“y/n,” he got your attention, wiping the tears from your cheeks. “you were a teenager who had no other choice, love. it’s not your fault, it’s the clinic’s.”

“i just… it hurts so bad, spencer,” you shook your head in defeat before he wrapped his arms around you. “not even just emotionally, my body physically hurts so bad. i don’t know what to do and i thought i lost you and i didn’t know what i would do without you because i didn’t think you loved me anymore because it’s my fault,” you ranted out, sobbing into his shoulder before he moved the two of you around the bed to lay down, you on his chest.

“i’m so sorry you had to go through that, and that you’re still dealing with the repercussions,” he pressed a kiss to your forehead. “but know that i’m not leaving you. i love you and nothing will ever change that.”

“there’s nothing we can do now,” you whined, clutching to his shirt as if he’d disappear once more.

“we can go to the recommended therapy. we can get that surgery to fix your cervix,” he reminded you, rubbing circles onto your back as you sniffled. “then, if you’d like, we could try again for a baby.”

“so you still want to be with me?” you whispered by his ear, clearly worried of the answer.

“of course i do,” he said as if there were no other option; there wasn’t. “i’m so, so sorry, love.”

“the reason i didn’t tell you is because,” you sighed as you shuffled on top of spencer, now sitting on his lap and facing him. “because there’s this stigma that comes with having an abortion - and i didn’t know how you’d react. i also didn’t know it didn’t go well in the first place, but that’s a different story,” you chuckled. “i’m sorry. i should’ve told you about something so serious.”

“you don’t have to apologize,” he brushed a strand of hair from your face. “that was from your past. this is our future, we shouldn’t get caught up on it and allow it to ruin this.”

you nodded, “you’re right. are-are you staying here, now? or are you going back to derek’s?” there was an obvious look of hope in your eye that spencer never planned on squashing.

“i’m staying here,” he smiled. “home. you’re my home.”

“you’re so cheesy,” you rolled your eyes as a laugh left your lips.

“i’ve missed your smile,” he pressed a kiss to those very lips, your smile not going away but growing even bigger.

“i’ve missed you,” you pointed at his chest. “please don’t leave again.”

“i won’t. ever again,” you held your pinky out, he smiled and wrapped his own around it. “i’m so sorry.”

“we’ll work at it,” you sighed. “we’ll build back the trust and fix my stupid cervix and then maybe try again for a baby.”

over the next few months spencer and you had been going to therapy once a week, mourning the loss of your baby and working through your other issues.

five months after you found out about the miscarriage, you had the surgery to fix your cervix.

one year after you fixed your cervix you and spencer began talking about having a child. you were extremely nervous, rightfully so. you voiced your concerns to spencer about what if the surgery didn’t work? what if your cervix wasn’t the only issue? and he replied by reminding you that you would both take this one step at a time.

seven months after having the conversation with spencer about having children, a miracle had caught up to you.

you were pregnant.

taglist:

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[mossdeep]

help us move out of a transphobic household

posted on: 10/05/20

paypal.me/swampert

*tldr; we are being kicked out by january 1st because of my transition, and i could use help with costs. although i am in an ok place financially, i am trying to avoid going into debt while also moving out as fast as possible.

hello! my name is dimitri, i’m a 23 yo transman and i live with the love of my life! my partner is 21 years old and nonbinary! i moved in with them about 2 years ago to help take care of them, since their family was not buying them enough food.

my only wish is to get them out of this abusive, disgusting, and neglectful home.

i finally have a good enough credit score and job to afford a home (a mortgage is cheaper than rent where i live), and i am currently approved and working with a realtor! however, things took a turn when my transition caused my voice to change much, much faster than anticipated. my voice changed within the first month, and their transphobic mother now wants us out by january 1st.

she told them that it was disrespectful for me to transition in her christian home, and irresponsible for me to waste money for moving out on hrt, and did not believe them when they said how cheap it is on insurance.

though i was already planning to move out for their sake, this house has taken a toll on my mental health, and worsened my ptsd. there are far more issues than the transphobia, and the only threat to us isn't just their mother. i want to keep this brief though.

any donations i recieve will be used for the following, in order from most to least urgent:

down payment, closing costs, moving fees.

paying off the small remainder of my credit cards so we can focus on utilities and the mortgage.

furniture, appliances, and other home goods

and last but not least, any remaining donations (if i get this far) will be put into savings for my top surgery as a final fuck you to transphobes everywhere!

of course, do not feel pressured to donate and only give if you can! boosting is just as helpful, make sure your needs are covered first! 🥰

paypal.me/swampert

#trans crowdfund #lgbt crowdfund #donations