#itll still be gone and thats terrifying

[anglespin]

leon accidentally set off a remote bomb too soon and got sent to super hell 😔 HAHHAAKHFKDG

i also like making them suffer for story and development purposes but my FAVORITE part is absolutely slapping colorful bandaids ontop of it after. give me that comfort with my hurt, the HEALING. its just so good to me, both just in general and story wise. something something healing, strength, life goes on. :3

also im completely agree, jill would not trust him even the tiniest bit. i love how complex her relationship is with everyone like its just so interesting to think of. like how relaxed di leon and jills acquaintanceship is, while on the other hand she has negative trust in re6 leon. good. :3 and god i just love claire period. i wish leon and claire friendship was more popular bc honestly i love it. (i havent seen ID yet but my point still stands, their friendship dynamic just has so much potential)

also YES i love talking about trust and deceit bc its all so like complicated and is a major gray area. YES, they would be fucking _angry_ and hurt and obviously feel so fucking betrayed. but after the shock and anger wears off. like. i can see them trying to understand it. like. yanno?? bro i cannot brain lmao. like yeah he kept it secret and that's pretty bad for multiple reasons for them, but considering what they've dealt with and seen with BOWs--and obviously the government learning about this, god forbid they get any ideas or put him through even more hell--it's understanding for him to be terrified to even mention it. and like, i can genuinely see di leon try to defuse it and be understanding, especially with his experience with buddy in damnation albeit not entirely the same. (chris too, if in this au he's gone through the piers situation. :( ) and depending on how LONG it is until its revealed, its fucking hard fully breaking bonds and trust that have developed over time. like they WANT to believe in him and that he honestly doesnt want to do or have any malicious intentions, not to mention for DI leon its literally. himself. and he knows himself, and that man has such a bleeding heart, that he knows how he is with internalizing things, and running away, and just dealing with trauma in awful ways. some awful shit just managed to happen to this version of himself :( and its just such a damn slippery situation. they gotta make sure that resi6 leon is like, safe both to others and himself, and have to work out just. all the fucked up shit that went on. i am full on the team of working shit out :3 itll take a fucking while to reestablish trust and better communication (re6 leon is absolutely god awful at both working through and communicating his issues but time and effort is good and i love that shit!!) but i like to think it all works out in the end. stuff thats worth it takes time and effort and all that fun shit. :3

(ive completely lost myself in the text wall i hope this makes sense)

🐕

Ah! It makes sense to me. At least I think it does.

It would be a huge mixed bag of emotions and just overall issues between everyone. Nothing's going to be dandy in the beginning. RE6 gets fucking interrogated and slightly beat up (because him and DI do fight at the start and RE6 is HURT already from being practically exploded. Also he gets smooshed by DI, who probably weighs alot more than he does in terms of muscle.)

The type of BOW that RE6 Leon is not meant to be crazy powerful. Thanks to C-virus development and infusion, the Plagas the DSO designed are meant to be wholly symbiotic and free from restrictions their Spanish counterparts had. Basically Verdugo 2.0, but appearing entirely normal until the changes are required and able to return to form as needed which includes the tail being able to simply fall off and a short chrysalis state to undo anything else. It's still horribly painful. That'll be horrific if it gets out cause its literally a fast-lane to super soldier creation lol.

RE6 Leon is just a big cat. Thats it.

When it comes to the BOW shit getting out to the DI gang, RE6 harbors not an ill will bone in his body. What happened to him is not his fault. How he deals with it is because of what he's been conditioned for. He is what Leon would've turned out to have been if the DSO were more-- hands on with wanting to improve their assets. Human rights be damned. Leon isn't a human being to the government. Just some tool to be tossed around willy nilly at whatever they want and played with as some doll. DI knows this because he experiences this to a degree, though not being a labrat lol. The others don't know about how he's treated.

DI Leon having to look inward at himself in order to try and bridge gaps despite his differences (mostly in temperament/attitude) compared to RE6. Their experiences veer drastically enough. Chris as well as Claire needing to change approaches.

Jill and Claire are besties + Rebecca too!

I LOVE VERDUGOS!!!!!

I'm mad eepy so sorry for the short answer, but i hear you!!!!

#angle's inbox archive

[seaweedbraens]

hi Vani

saw the update notif at 9 pm when i was out with a few friends, i then proceed to become supremely uninterested in whatever was going on because i was EXCITED AS FUCK to read the new update, reached home and read the whole thing in the next 2 hours like a lunatic even though i had to be up super early today fuck u i love u

the update was absolutely brilliant as always! i didn't see Nico coming!!! I'm so glad you wrote Nico meeting Jason because they both just need someone cos they're so lonely and I'm glad it's them ❤️ reading about this anguished and angry Leo feels so different because that's not how he acts at all- but it's 100% called for and i love seeing the angry reactions from him and Piper because they're right to be Angry and i would've been mad if you would've just written them to be sad

LOVING THE PERCABETH TENSION !!!!!!!!!!!!! have a bone to pick with you- WHY DIDNT YOU MAKE THEM KISS BEFORE THE EXPLOSION I WAS WAITING FOR IT !!!!!!

also this is not me criticising you, but a genuine question because I noticed you rushed through the whole Calypso part, and Annabeth even said that she didn't believe percy was dead- why did you write it that way

also Hahahahaha Frank's reaction to Hazel not saying it back was so funny ("so That you love") i actually cackled

I'm super super excited for Rachel and percabeth for the next part !!! and also about Jason and Nico

i can't wait to see how percy accepts the prophecy à la titans curse (i think?), and i have a feeling it'll be to protect Nico

thank u once again for an excellent update! can't wait for you to update Wreck my plans now! (i think you said earlier that you're updating them alternately) All the love xx

answering this publicly bwcause you bring up some good feedback and issues w the fic that i wanted to talk about

FR THO PLS YOU FLATTER ME

also YES. nico and jason as two lost souls - one leaving home and one wanting home so badly - GIMME THAT GOOD SHIT. i hope i did their dialogue right and nico coming out too because I WAS TERRIFIED FOR THAT SHIT

leo and piper deserve to be angry, especially since theyre all best friends and tell each other everything. i think they both see jason's departure as a sign that he didnt trust them, ehoch hurts just as much as him leaving does. also, leo's guilt is also very important here - the fact that he says that he was too scared to die for his friends is something to be noted. i guess thats a spoiler?

i wanted to make percabeth kiss SO FUCKIN BADLY but i figured that i their kiss in chapter 5 to be that much more full of emotion because itll be their first kiss PLS HOLD ON WE'LL GET THERE. EVENTUALLY

yIKES i was hoping the calypso part didnt come off as too rushed but i guess it cant be helped! essentially i did that bit for percy to choose life over death and more specifically choose life because of his concern for annabeth. i want to tie this into her being his mortal tether, which will be brought back up again in chapter 5 for reasons im sure youve guessed by now :)

on that same vein, annabeth innately knows percy is alive because of this connection, even though they dont know of it yet. but she needed to have that fear of him being gone and so much being unresolved between them still for her to be able to open up to piper and even entertain the idea of loving percy - in a different way from luke. but thats something she needs to figure out for herself.

im so glad you liked this update!!!! also feel FREE to criticise me or ask me things, i love hearing people talk about the fic and believe me im always so eager to share my thought process.

wreck my plan ch2 is in the works! i literally just started chapter 4 part 2 today, so maybe we'll get that soon, too!!

tysm for all the love i will NEVER deserve you <3

#i am crying #ilysm #onlyhereforpercabeth #asks etc #fic talk: wcwsthwas

[ko-eko-ev-go-ms]

Hghhghggg bad brain tiiiiiimeeee

#thoughts #oni talks #oni vents #its that time of year again #or at least getting close #depressing birthday thoughts #thats the time of year #except this year has so so so much more tied up into it than it normally would #and i just feel so awful right now #i wanna be hopeful and excited and for once i have something i do #but its stupid and i feel guilty and nothing will happen anyway #and i dont deserve anything anyway bc i was awful this year #and its stupid and childish and nice guy-y of me to want what i want out of that specific person #but then also ill be 20 which means my 19 reason wont be here anymore and i wont be safe anymore #but for once im also in a good enough plaxe where i sort of almost actively dont want to die? and thats weird? but the safety net will still #itll still be gone and thats terrifying #and theres so so so much other stuff too #i want to be happy and hopeful at the possibilities surrounding that person for my birthday #but i feel so guilty just from that alone #and then theres more on top of it too and just idk today spiraled downwards very quickly #it started amazingly since i woek up early enough to get coffee and real breakfast #and i even got a smoothie to have fruits and actually try for once #and not just tht but i finally weighed myself and ive lost weight!! #but now im just sitting here anxious and upset and i want to hope and be be excited but i feel so guilty and stupid and bad and just #i already had a shit time with my therapist this week and i think i need a new one or smth and i need meds too #idk suddenly theres so much on my mind i feel bad about and my chest hurts and i feel awful idk

[caps-old-tss-account]

SO THAT TEASER, HUH????

A LIST OF THOUGHTS:

It seems to be video game themed???? I’m intrigued!! maybe that’s the art that thomas said was involved in the next episode???

hes dressed up and seems to have gone to the wedding

but Thomathy seems VERY angry

is he mad that he chose the wedding??

wAIT IS HE MAD AT PATTON???

I don;t think i can take that kind of angst!!!!!!!!!! hELP

That pokemon style shot shows what looks to be thomas in front of a silhouette I don’t clearly recognize...

a new Side, mayhaps???

wait is it ANGER?????? Is the orange side actually gonna be a thing??? akjsdhfk

if not, who the heck is thomas facing off against

i know its supposed to be a roman v patton type episode so im TERRIFIED FOR MY BOYS

SOMEONE HELP PATTON HE LOOKS REALLY UPSET NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

there’s a video game style shot of thomas alone at the wedding

I mean he said thats what was probably gonna happen but still thats really sad

roman is really upset too

im so worried you guys 

(on a side note, thomas be lookin sharp in that tux omg)

IDK WHAT TO THINK ABOUT THIS TEASER BUT I AM BOTH REALLY EXCITED AND NOT PREPARED AND VERY SCARED ABOUT PATTON AND ROMAN ANGST

ESPECIALLY PATTON CUZ HES SO SOFT AND ALWAYS TRYING HIS BEST SO ITLL BE REALLY SAD IF THOMAS IS MAD AT HIM I CANT TAKE IT 

ALSO ROMAN FEELING BAD ABOUT NOT DOING THE CALLBACK EVEN THOUGH HE THOUGHT GOING TO WEDDING WAS BETTER IS JUST SKDFHAKSJDFHA

hELP ASOIDFHASDOFHAJDSFH ASIDKJ FHADKJF

#sanders sides #sanders sides spoilers #sanders sides bloopers #ts sides #roman sanders #patton sanders #thomas sanders #ts spoilers #if we dont make the sanders sides tag start trending again im gonna lose it

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

no dont apologise! i didnt check until just then so np :)

mmm yeah it is a bit trippy. hehe ITS TRUE THO. yeah sadly i think ur right, and tag blocking is probably a good idea. sometimes smut written well or not in excess is okay but goddamn when its abt 01 line and thats the whole fic... *silently blocks tags*

hehe i do that all the time lol this conversation is carrying on threads from a month ago :) mmm yeah ur probably right sadly, same. HA HE DIDNT HAVE A CHOICE and now i have someone to talk to abt them, so thats good! I KNOW felix was actually the one who got me into skz with his iconique gods menu line so i guess i have a soft spot for him. i always tell myself my bias is chan but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ guess im more whipped than id like to admit. mmm yeah that does make sense dw i hope they do that as well. YES king seungmin hIMSELF. GODDAMNIT DONT GET ME STARTED ON MINHO IN GODS MENU I DIDNT EVEN KNOW HE WAS PART OF THE GROUP UNTIL I STARTED GETTING MORE INTO THEM. BITCH (affectionate) THE LINE DISTRIBUTION HAS BEEN UTTER DOG SHIT but *deep breath* its better now so were moving on adn hoping it stays that way. sis same but i may or may not have gone thru a rlly depressed phase and actively sought out the elimination episodes so i could actually force some tears out of my emotionless shell of a heart but what cna you do? lmaoo i feel that irl, binnie deserves more vocal lines. yesss channies accent is rlly prominent then, i think also the way he structures his phrasing? is more english speaking than korean? but yeah i totally get what ur saying. AJKSAL lmao

okay then! im excited for whenever it gets done! (maybe tag me?) ahh the cold shrivelled heart of a dark au writer beats again at the thought of torturing another poor characters very soul (/j) :(( yeah that would suck not being able to see them. ohhh ur on the other hemisphere to me! were just going into spring rn. mmm smth to look forward to! YES you put it into words. they rlly are pretty independent from the company (remember how jyp rejected that other dudes songs after like 3 seconds and then how he was apparently nervous to show the song hed written to chan cos chan was so good at writing hits ahhh sweet revenge) mmmYES we rlly need a mute and remove notifications button for our brains dont we?

YES CORRECT i totally agree. some people jsut dont give it a try, adn assume its bad cos its korean smh racist assholes. yes! im coming up to my 6 month anniv actually! sis sAME, i feel like theyre being tugged into appealing to the western american market and theyre not staying as true to their artistic flair as a group, especially with only writing english songs atm. *sigh* ah well, at least theyre bringing recognition to the kpop world. AHUH dead on, theyre going to be discarded pretty soon and then where will bp be? theyll prob go solo paths which is rlly sad but what can you do when the company is run by a prideful asshole? yg is not going to last much longer in the big four if they keep this up.

hehe you get it. oooh very cool! whos ur ult? (sorry if youve said this before) mmmm yeah good decision, i feel liek thats probably a wise decision. this is my first album release as a kpop stan (not counting mixtape oh) so i think ill get it for sentiments sake. yeah! im excited for the new music! mingi was the one who got me into them, but atm my bias is seonghwa followed by san, wooyoung and ateez but jonghos high notes man *swoon* he, yeah atm ive got jake, jay, nikki, jungwon and sunoo down so just trying to get the rest :) heh, yeah kard i rlly only got into cos of bm, ive seen him like interacting with a lot of idols and he seemed nice so i decided to check out the group. ikr gunshot man *another swoon*

no noe! i didnt know what it was until i got it lol. thx toffee ill try and take that to mind :) yeah lol im on a waiting list thats not going to be free until late september so hopefully i can hold on until then. hope ur okay, that sounds like it sucks, hope you can find someone. maybe ill just take you along on my phone and the therapist can get a two for one patient deal lmaooo. mmm, sorry no i havent mentioned it before, i dont rlly talk abt it much. uhhh basically hypermobility? if you google it, it doesnt seem bad, jsut joint flexibility but ive got the severe end of the stick, leaning towards ehlers danlos syndrome so thats fun. basically it just makes it hard for me to exercise, run, jump, stand or just walk for long periods of time and gives me a lot of joint and muscle pain so... thats fun! but obviously so many other people have it worse than me, so i try not to complain. normally in young people it will improve as they get older, but my doctor said bc its severe in me, its unlikely to get much better. but again, i dont have the worst lot in the bunch, so its all g.

oh its good that its not the bad type of rain, a light sprinkling can be relaxing sometimes. aww thx darl, the concern is appreciated but it went pretty well and i managed not to cough too much on stage or kill myself trying to run around to the other side of the stage in the pouring rain so thats good! oooh tea buddies! my dogs a labradoodle, but shes a bit more of a feral poodle lol not much labrador in her at all, unless its her relentless urge to hunt down every bird that has ever walked this earth smh :((( hopefully they can come back on soon, does uni have dances?

ahhh a mood if i ever heard one. hopefully things will get better for you soon, ik anxiety sucks ass. ooh thats always good! when its sunny here, its always melt ur thongs to the pavement hot so the nicely cool sunny days are a lovely change. hehe impatience is not so good for you, but good for us that get to see ur beautiful theme early. ahh no worries, itll come eventually hopefully. and if not, then just things that make you not anxious are good. it doesnt have to be black or white, sometimes gray is good. mmmmm sames i have midterms this week to catch up on and then two weeks of end of terms so thats fun! i hope u can overcome that a little, heres some channie to be ur motivation https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a8LWyNjzOww. hah! i hear that all the time, he seems to be everywhere. did you see that tiktok of hans slowed back door rap, i stg it sounded EXACTLY like namjoon, it kinda scared me. also teh beginning of another day, sounds so much like joon i swear.

that reminds me! idk ur biases! i feel like this should be smth i should know so please! feel free to elaborate!

ahh im glad, i was worried it is. mmm same, so no hard feelings if either of us misses a day or smth. ill start worrying if weeks/months have gone by, but if its just a little while thats more than fine. ill just picture you studiously completing notes and i wont worry lol

<3 w.a. 🐺

at some point i really think i'm going to start blocking accounts because blocking tags won't be enough. i saw ask tags the other day and it just made me want to bleach my eyeballs.

i could talk about god's menu felix for hours man. the teaser for god's menu that featured his part on the bridge made me look forward to the mv release. you: biases chan, also you: lixiesbabyhands. yes you are more whipped than you think. i can't believe orange haired minho was given NOTHING during that era but they kind of made up for it in the b-sides. i also hope it stays that way. the distribution for this era was pretty fair.

"torturing another poor character's soul" in all honesty, i used to live for this. 2017 me leading up to early 2020 wrote nothing but angst. i have another aussie friend on twt and tbh i'm still really (O.o) about the seasons! jyp should be terrified skz could easily take over that company. heck if skz grow old and start their own company, they'd probably do a great job at running it. PLEASE. i have issues on muting/notifications both mentally and in real life. sometimes, i just wish to disappear.

some people in my country are just disgusting tbh. not only racist but homophobic too. they label kpop as 'gay' and it DISGUSTS me. it's a problematic behavior/mindset people in my country need to fucking get rid of. anyway, HELP ME 6 MONTHS??? and i've been in this shit for like a decade eye. tbh, i’m not fond of kpop groups trying to appeal to the western audience :// it feels like they’re losing their identity in a way. yes recognition but at what cost? yg has my favorite groups but that’s one shitty company when it comes to promoting.

okay my ult! it’s haechan from nct but i consider chan an ult too. like a close second above my whopping list of kpop boys. oh yes! you should get the album just for like a keepsake? remembrance? how did mingi appeal to you? omg did you start getting interested in ateez back when he was still on hiatus? NOT YOU BIASING THE SAME PEOPLE I DID WHEN I FIRST STARTED STANNING. the infamous ateez thot-line. jongho is easily one of the best fourth gen vocalists out here, no one can change my mind :( good luck with memorizing the rest of enhypen! just in time for the comeback too. i hope i’ll get into kard soon but i’m pretty content (and a tad bit overwhelmed) with the amount of groups i stan right now.

please hold on though, feel free to vent here if you like. thanks for the offer tho HAHA but like i’ll try to get checked here too when the cases die down a bit. i’m sorry to hear about your condition though :( please don’t ever overwork yourself to the point that your joints/muscles would ache. it’s completely valid to complain about it tho. i get that you have others in mind but keeping that mindset really doesn’t do you (like you internally) any better? so if you need to, vent your frustrations out and don’t keep it in.

oh my god, about your performance last sunday. was the stage out in the open? glad you didn’t cough too much and did well on your concert. i’m proud of you! i can never understand dogs and poor birds T_T uni doesn’t have dances unfortunately. i think there’s just one party at the end like a graduation ball. what year are you in anyway? if it’s something that you’re fine with sharing. if not, it’s cool.

good luck with your exams! and thanks for the link! AHA what a cutie. i think he does this motivation thing once in a while during his lives and it’s just comforting. yeah joon and han my irl just freaked when we made that discovery. ult crumbs for her. oh god not me forgetting about every biases when you asked. you can ask for my biases in a few groups just list down the one’s you’re interested in knowing. 

i missed yesterday because i was grinding and finishing what if we stay + school work. finally did it today. i’m sure i’ll reply in like a day or two, definitely not a month unless i state otherwise. if i ever decide to abandon this blog, i’ll let you know.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

[themeed]

well i managed to crawl out for a month but uh. last night was a big trigger fest.

went to my friends with another friend. they complimented me on my weight loss and said it was obvious i had lost a shitton. (which. like 20 pounds, yeah, i... guess thats a lot but its not Enough).

other friend struggled w ed in middle school. their mom made some Comments recently and now they're uncomfy and they asked about weight loss. friend we were visiting said they could stand to lose maybe 15 or 20 pounds if they wanted, but they certainly dont qualify as fat.

which. is the same amount as they congratulated me on.

we all compared body types and fat content. comments on our thighs and stomachs and backs and chests.

and i am now. wearing my comfort hoodie. watching youtbe. dissociating. ive had 630 calories today because i know i cant restrict super hard so fast. i smiled this morning after skipping dinner and waking up hungry, that lovely hunger that aches but doesn't hurt. you know you could eat but you're not Hungry hungry even if you can feel your empty stomach. its... a good feeling.

im gonna have a sandwich and some ice cream for my second and final meal for the day and itll probably be some... 430 cal, ending around 1060 for the day.

gods. i want to go to sleep. i want to lie down and waste away.

on the way home a song from my mental loop playlist came on. then one from a self harm perspective. my friend and i listened to an anxiety vent playlist. scream sang the whole way. it didnt help. made it worse?

maybe.

im not doing so hot. im worried about my job status too. and rent and my dads birthday.

i think im gonna go pass out. this totally counts as my journal for the new List Of Organization.

i pasted it on my freezer fridge door.

ive made progress recently, in terms of philosophy and uncovering and understanding my issues. responsibility and suicidal thoughts and attachment issues and how much im hurting and have been hurt and dissociation as a coping mechanism for mental and emotional abuse and then as an anxiety mechanism too. and to cope with school and the boredom and not being able to do what i want and the lack of freedom.

i dont know if ill ever get to the point where i uncover why i hate not being free in my own definition. like thats such a core part of who i am and i am terrified of that being rooted in abuse. if i dont value freedom who am i? but also... i think ive always valued freedom. i think how i approach it has changed. when i was small i didnt care about the opinions of others and their actions or anything. but here i am now caring a Lot. and part of that is... in later elementary, from then on, peoples opinions and words started precluding actions that infringed on my routines and worldview. and then it scaled into full on abuse by my mother. words started mattering a whole FUCKING lot, and actions as well. words had to be careful, actions could be covered up with the right motive and words. a tool for power and put downs. and i hated it and feared it.

and when i started fearing others, noticed how i wasnt free to Be anymore... i started panicking and dissociating and i couldnt handle NOT being me so i stopped.

i stopped being me because i couldnt stand to see me destroyed or warped or killed by the spirits of envy and hatred all around me.

that makes it sound so poetic, but i was scared and it was terrible and awful and scary. and i cant say i regret it because im still not me.

ill never be the same me again. im not even fully me of now.

freedom is. so important to me. it sucks that that was put in jeopardy. that a singular sun in my world was destroyed on someone else's whims, for someone else's COMFORT. as if the mind of child is something okay to smother when they disagree with you.

fuck that. i hate her. i hate this. i hate that this happened. i hate that im not me. i cant hate myself. i cant even be myself and i hate that fact its frustrating.

im making progress but i dont know if i can even hit a point where i comfy enough to be me. if i can reach an understanding with the others and stope fearing. if theyll ever stop being frustrated with me long enough for us to effectively communicate. if we can. if its fair for me to expect or ask explanations for emotions and rules. if its okay. if ill ever be okay again.

im crying now.

im gonna get some water and curl up.

just asked that we all have access to this journal here in the system. i.

im scattered. hey, more progress ig.

insight, at least.

i need a therapist but i dont know if im willing to trust someone with all of these innermost thoughts and ideas and the backstory. i dont know if i can trust a strangers judgement.

what if they call me a liar and call it a day?

yea we can just move on and find a new therapist. it will hurt though. leave us with more issues. devastating to be invalidated by someone with a license. like yea the system has issues and all and you cant guarentee people dont have bias or are otherwise a good fit or even fit for the job every time. it still sucks that i have to go into this with that uncertainty. it makes it harder and easier, i think, to know that. therapists are imperfect, theyre people just like you and me. i just. thats more comforting than i thought it would be. i thought realizing they were professionals meant like. their word has to be taken as holy or some shit. no it doesnt theyre people. theyre trained, but quality control is questionable and bias is extensive and training is sometimes pretty niche. i need to look for someone specifically trained in like. 4 or 5 things. like. anxiety, depression, borderline, osdd/did, autism, add/adhd, possibly ocd, and DEFINITELY cptsd. i dont know what exactly i have but i know i have more than one and i kinda need to work through a shitton and find out whats UP. seriously. i might need medication. id like to try cbt/dbt first and work on integration/personal identity first. but holy SHIT.

im not mentioning ed beyond In The Past if i can help it ahfjfsgkf. like ed i have in hand. i know its a way to feel in control because im afraid of the world and also to approach the body i want, fulfill society standards in a way i wish i didnt care at all about but i do care at least a little despite my denial, and to combat dysphoria/prepare for top surgery.

gods above. im kinda fucked up huh. like more at once than i think is possible and i might be giving myself more issues if i dont handle my new job in a healthy way.

fuck.

anyway. yeah. im back. im not better than ever but im making progress. todays a bad mental health day so far. i want to lose another 10 pounds before i see a therapist just in case. if they say i should try losing weight i am going to glare flatly and absolutely spill how much ive lost but not the timeline or ed habits. but yknow. 165 or so before starting? puts me solidly in the Chubby At First Glance But Not Super Overweight category.

me and my friends also tried to weigh my tits the other day. kitchen scale and leaning down put them at 4.5 lbs each, theyre big enough to try, but thats probably an understimation by like, 40% just by sheer volume. thats like. 10, 15 pounds minimum of boob weight. i want it gone. gone. away please. off my body. no tits or an A cup. and an A cup is highly unlikely so full top it is.

gods. okay ive gone on long enough im going to get water and lay down now. im still dissociating pretty heavily.

[jackedspicer]

ok sorry about the vent

im really tired, yknow? some of the basic things i used to be able to do on a day to day basis have become a fantasy for me. ive tried to stay positive and keep a happy face but it's so discouraging when there are so many things holding me down? a lot of the things i used to live for ive been barred from doing, due to the development of severe allergies, eyestrain, ear problems, even bad sensory problems involving clothes and stuff, and finally, tendonitis in the wrists? for a long time i stopped watching cartoons and guilted myself whenever i did so much as glance at a screen, i definitely didnt do digital art for a long time, i was too terrified to listen to any music, that's for sure. i feel like ive accidentally developed psychological problems after trapping myself inside a box last year and punishing myself mentally whenever i even had the slightest bit of fun

i was a happy kid, but once all that started when i was 15, i just. kinda lost my spark? i can sort of reason with myself after a year has gone by, but im still really sensitive about the whole thing. but i feel like im stuck in the loop all over again since my wrists started acting up

it's been going on for three months now, that same old cycle of getting obsessed and panicking when it doesnt get better. and that's just the thing, in three months of icing, resting, heating, braces, avoiding drawing, they havent gotten a single bit better. if anything, theyve gotten worse. and it breaks my goddamn heart, because after all the old stuff i went through, at the end of the day, i could always draw. but now that i cant even do that, i just feel all broken up on the inside. every time i get a creative impulse i actually have to tamp it down like it's shameful and tell myself "you cant do that sweetie(: maybe another time" except... i dont know when thats gonna be? my goal is always just over the horizon, and i can keep trying all i want, but itll always be just out of reach. it’s like chinese water torture to watch all the opportunities go by without being able to take them. if there's one thing ive learned out of life it's that you can try your absolute hardest every day, and nothing will ever get better. ive been running around on this stupid hamster wheel for such a long time and im so tired, but im also desperate for that slightest bit of happiness that i can never hold onto for too long. im depressed, frustrated, and angry, but i still have to keep pushing and strain my wrists some more at school with some stiff, self-absorbed teachers that can't accommodate

i know the worrying and obsession makes it worse, but i have no idea how not to. it seems whenever i stop worrying, i let my guard down and something flares up again. it's just this endless struggle with no end in sight and i resent it every second

#I Havent Suffered Enough

[weeb-overlord]

well i guess i better update instead of just vague posting about my life LOL

i have a lot to do next week. I take my OGET, have a piano recital, choral auditions, test monitoring, two huge assignments, a final presentation, and all of my normal classes... i really dont know how im going to do it and ive been disassociating all day because i cant stop thinking about what needs to be done instead of focusing on the present. i need to study, i need to prepare that audition, i need to get those assignments done early, i need to come up with a concept for my Lit final, i need to prepare myself to wake up much earlier than usual next week while still maintaining all classes and work for those classes, i need to finish a commission. i cant stop thinking about my responsibilities and how i dont want to control anything at all.

my dog ate a chocolate chip cookie or at least maybe he did but now i cant stop thinking about him hurting because what if he has chocolate poisoning and i dont help him in time? i could just wake up tomorrow and he could be gone. i hate that. i hate it because im responsible for him and its my job to protect him.

i cleaned everything the other day. laundry, desk, dog bath, alll my sheets and linens and blankets... everything. i bought an air freshener too just because and now it smells amazing in my room and i at least have that to come home too.

im slowly starting to realize that im not going to get my contest piece done by Akon. thats ok. it really is. Tokyo in Tulsa is always my debut con. Ill debut 2B, Princess Fuse, and Kanna at Akon instead and get wasted on my honorary birthday and probably call everyone that comes to mind unless my friend takes my phone from me. itll be a party. no need to compete.

i do not like being dependant on people. i do not like attaching my dependency to people. i dont like valuing someone because they provide for me what others cant. i dont like it because it makes them special in my life, and it makes it more difficult for me to get over the loss and to repair the hole in me when they leave. i would rather them just sit on top of my heart rather than insert themselves into it. but here i am doing it anyway. im fighting love and acceptence for no good reason other than i believe i dont deserve it. i am scared and disgusted by it. but i am not disgusted by their love. which makes it even more terrifying to comprehend. i dont want to talk about it too much here and im being fuckin vague but sometimes i just really need to write and release something into the world...i really do.

i feel bad lately about interacting with anyone. mainly because i truly see myself as a grenade ready to blow as soon as the right pin is pulled. i dont think people understand how much of a chance there is that i could be gone without a second thought. im kind of glad they dont but i also wish everyone would understand. i dont see death as bad and never really have, i relish in the fact that i have control over my own death for the most part. it still sucks trying to retain long term relationships and friendships when you think you’re going to die within the next few years though. there are plenty of people around me trying to help me with this mindset, but even then i feel like their efforts should be put somewhere else where they willl actually thrive. people can put energy into me all day long, but i am a bad investment. there are plenty of others who need help much more than i do because i can’t seem to accept help properly.

i dont want to sing in my friends’ recital. at all. i  had a practice with the group the other day and felt so bad because i had learned my part by playing it on the piano and they had learned theirs by singing with the recording. so of course they were much stronger with their parts than mine. i looked like a complete idiot. they’re all ed majors too and so am I. so of course i was comparing myself to them.

im trying to think of something happy to write. i miss bts. i miss them a lot. they were amazing and i think about the concert everyday. next time we go see them we are definitely getting P1 tickets, end of story.

i want to play Horizon sooooo bad and now that i have a ps4 i can!!!!!!! also The Last Of Us 2!!!!

im getting fabric for 2B and a few little things for Kanna this weekend. it’s Easter but considering the fact that i dont believe the holy spirit moved a big rock, folded a napkin, and talked to the citizens about the rapture, i think i’ll survive without the festivities. i do like the day off though.

i cant tell if i’ve gained weight or lost it but either way i dont think my mentality will improve. i would like to lose a few inches but i dont really think it’s a priority right now. i’ve been eating like stupidly unhealthy food lately and im not gonna fuckin stop until all of my shit next week is done.

leatherfest is next weekend. im nervous about all the people, nervous about doing something wrong or being in the way, nervous about vulnerability. again i dont want to talk about it too much here but idk it’s part of the update, part of my life and who i am.

i think that’s it?? goodbye

#me

[niconicosenpai]

im so sick of bitching and whining on tumblr, but no one gets it. No one fucking gets it and im tired of feeling so sad over you and crying myself to sleep every night. Im tired of shoving my feelings aside to the people at work in my life and pretending like im okay because im not and i dont know what to do about it anymore. I hate my fucking life now and i dont know if itll ever go back to how i want it. I dont know if youre coming back this time and im fucking TERRIFIED. Im so stressed out. Im on edge all the time. I never go one night without dreaming of you and me, being happy. Only to wake up to an empty fucking left side of the bed and slowly come back to reality that youre not there. That was all a dream Nick. Shes gone. And youre alone. Hes better than me, and im not what you want. I will never be good enough for you and im sick of being scared of rhe future. To see you with him. To see someone else do what you and me were supposed to be doing. Living our fucking life together. Raising our children. Being married and bragging about the amount of years we’ve been together and telling people stories. Going on trips. Making all kinds of memories. But now that just seems like a bunch of bull shit. I feel like thats never going to happen and im so fucking sad about it.. I wanted to be with you forever. And that sounds so cliche but it was real. Your vibe gave me life. Your energy when you were trying, made me feel like i was 100 ft tall.

Now i just feel no higher than 6 inches. I feel so weak and small, because i miss you. And i talk about you to every one. Still. Every fucking day. I show them pictures of you and say the same shit every time, “she’s so beautiful, i really do miss her”. I don’t want to coparent.. I don’t want to normalize this shit because that’s when things don’t ever go back to how they were. I can’t pretend i am okay with this, ever. I can’t act like i will be okay without you because I’m not. I am afraid of the future now because it does not involve you, in the way it should. I am afraid of a life where you’re not my girl anymore. I’m sorry for everything, and I know sorry doesn’t fix it. But I am.. if I could go back and change things, I would. Because you deserved better. Before all of this happened. You deserved so much from me, that I just didn’t pull through on and I’m regretting it.

I’m the one who still cares. Not you.

I’m the one who’s sad. Not you.

I’m the one that’s never going to get over you.. you really took a huge part of me when you left. And now, I don’t even want to bother filling it back up with anything. I’d rather just be empty if I can’t have you..

[survivormuxloe]

Episode #6: “because Sweyn’s Baddies are COMING” - Jones

My bitch ass glasses broke so I’m more than happy to be doing a challenge that requires my ears. Maybe wil my eyesight so poor my hearing will get better to compensate who knows. Even if we lose I’m in a Gucci spot to survive.

Tribal was a success. With the first tribal done I’m happy trust is built and I can stop being paranoid.

With that said I think I’m in a good position going forward as I have an alliance and we’re probably reaching a merge or a swap soon.

my plan of action for my tribe since we legit havent got Anything on the doc yet (me n michael have an excuse..) is to make it seem like im doing more than i am. oh im gonna work on it soon! i’ll do this soon! like its all about seeming like im contributing.. when i aint LAMDKNDG

me n michael made a f2 altho it breaks my heart to say its just for the sake of my survival on this dumbass tribe.. theres no way malik flips on me and with michael as my f2 i can essentially force him to flip on danielle if he wants to stay which is like perf rn since i dont really trust her..

i miss my close allies tho lol. like ryan is my #1 n its unfortunate he isnt getting a chance to make more bonds considerig we need those bonds for his idol to make a big move.. hopefully mercia loses again and wes goes tho? it evens it up to 6 sweyn vs 6 mercia and i think itll swap again before merge and hopefully ill be with ryan/rhys/jones :)) my social game is good rn i think.. i just gotta lay low with physical and downplay strategy so im never the target. hard w/ these personalities tho. X

SOOO THIS CHALLENGE IS FUCKING HELL!!! U KNOW WHAT WOULD BE BETTER? IF OUR WHOLE TRIBE FUCKING DID SMTH!!

like im actually gunna go fucking mad.. its songs. yah its hard to identify bc theyre distorted and overlapped but theres no excuse not to get at least artists.. or even one song. malik n michael can barely do that.. LIKE YEAH I HAVENT DONE THE BEST BUT IVE GOT 2 SONGS THERE RN AND IDENTIFIED NICKI + XTINA SO! BLOOP! im gunna kill myself.. poor dani. its especially painful knowing ill try to get her out if we lose LMAOAOAOA but i mean.. (: oh well!

This challenge can litterally chomp on a dick. No. I hate it. I dont want to do it. Like BEGONE.

Honestly its so hard, and like i dont listen to pop so im struggling with it. Hopefully we win, but I feel safe if we go to tribal.

At this point I am so upset because I feel useless because all the ones I know have been picked and idek if anyone took my suggestion seriously. If this round ends my game, I’m going to be so upset!

We’re pretty much fucked unless a miracle happens

I've been a bit nervous about my position and stuff in the game and I'm trying to catch up socially with a lot of people and stuff. I'm doing what I can on a five person tribe and hope I can work on hard on getting as far as I can in this game. I have a feeling we merge next round so that could be cool. I wanna make it far as I can this game, I'm trying to be active but UTR so hopefully it works.

WE WON FIRST PLACE AGAIN AND THIS TIME I WASNT A FUCKUP WOOOOOOOOOOOOP WOOP I’ve been talking to David more and I helped out a lot with this challenge so I’m hoping he won’t want me out next time we go to tribal.

THREE IN A ROW, BABY. Feels good to not have gone to tribal since Jose's elimination. Also an added bonus that I basically carried our tribe to win today, not a big deal, LOL.

Also, with the reward, I've now got a vote steal advantage. This is HUGE for me. I have a group of people I wanna work with in this game and if this group is down in numbers at any point, this vote steal can come in handy.

that challenge was a damn mess but i'm just glad we made it out alive. sad Canute lost though ugh i'm sending all of my positive energy to Scott so he can make it through.... hope we merge next round that would be cute; i'm ready for more action in this game

im gunna kill my self . :) WE LOST. AGAIN. :) NOT MY FAULT. AGAIN.

n now i gotta deal with fucken awkward 2-2 tribal lines when i have a f2 with michael and a love for malik.. but bc dani is good at challenges her ass wont go and thats so annoyin but u can bet ur ass ima try somethin if i have to bc i dont trust malik to keep me safe vs her whereas michael will.. if i have to flip on malik i will

why me tho like im a good person. i dont deserve this. why couldnt i be on a competent tribe. LMAOAOAOA.

THANK GOD WE WON IMMUNITY if we lost I probably would’ve spontaneously combust Bc I love??? My current tribe??? I love Madison too and It sucked we voted her out Bc I actually adore her but she wasn’t doing a lot. I just love this tribe and if we had to vote for each other again I’ll lose my marbles. Maybe we can work more together going into merge if we get there? I hope so, because Sweyn’s Baddies are COMING

Well, we lost once again and I’m upset about it. The challenge was super hard for us and we struggled. It seemed like everyone wasn’t really putting in all they could as they just said “I forgot” I was like oh!! cool!! This tribal, I’m not crazy worried right now. I trust Scott a lot at this point because he doesnt have a reason to lie to me by telling me that I’ve been holding up the tribe because... I have been. I think the move this week is to vote out Malik. We’ll see whats going on but I really think we might be doing that this week. Hopefully there’s a merge soon because I need to fucking be by myself!!!

My ass is for sure on the line tonight. I know that  Malik is targetting me for being weak and all that so rn I’m just trying to get Scott 100% on board with voting me and Malik 100% certain that he is safe with me just in case there’s an idol and maybe if I’m too in my nerves and scared I have no qualms with throwing a vote on dani incade of a tie

You know what they say, another week safe, 

That one didn't seem so easy,  partially cause I sucked at it and mainly because I sucked major balls at it. But hey Mo and David saved our asses so yeeeeeeeeeeee boi. And not only that we also got reward but not really cause the only thing I got was a jpg image, and so did Felix David and Mo according to them which means either one of them is lying or Wes has it. Either way I guess it's not the end of the world.

So now Canute is going to tribal I wonder how that is gonna play out, a part of me wants Dani and Michael to be safe but another one wants rocks but at the same time another one would be jealous cause I wouldn't be a part of it and I could use some rocks in my life. Either way that's it for now folks now if you excuse me Felix wants to kidnap me and introduce me to the spooky facebook wikia comunity, spooky shit indeed.

So WOOOOOOOO this is the first tribal of the season that i'm not attending which is amazingggg and feels so good to finally have a break!! Plus like I honestly LOVE my tribe rn bc everyone is so iconic and fun and we even made a charlie's angels thing bc its so iconic... ugh love them BUT if it came down to tribal I think I would be okay still since i've really worked on rhys and we have a 3 dude gay guardians alliance of me, rhys, and ryan even tho im not even gay but they dont need to know that... my boy scott is in tribal rn but i hope he comes out okay!!! if he doesn't well oops idc bye bitch but if he does then yay!!

Tonight I am absolutely terrified I think the votes are gonna be on Malik but you just never know so my best plan is just to hope for the best and campaign to stay I’m not just gonna sit back and get eliminated especially this close to a merge situation where I know I’ll be in a good position to make it far.

im legit gunna die im so nerv and i shouldnt be. LIKE. I TRUST THAT MICHAEL HAS MY BACK. AND MALIK ISNT VOTING ME. SO IT SHOULD BE IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO GO. BUT I DONT THINK THAT FOR SOME REASON. all i can think of in the back of my mind is what if michael and dani flip on me and its 2-1-1.. but theres nothing i can literally do bc if i vote michael and stay our relationship is gone lol

ughhhh i should just be positive but its so hard bc even if malik goes.. i feel awful LMAAOAOOA but like. uhm. yes ): i feel awful

Scott as much as I like the guy I can for sure see he lets his emotions dictate how he plays and while that’s not necessarily bad it’s difficu when you’re trying to blindside someone and he could just run and tell Malik so the nerves are here and out to play hunny

My thing is I think it’s is going to go to rocks. Which is why we were worried about that when linus left but it’s real. Dani we don’t wanna vote each other, hell everyone says they don’t want to vote me which is always weird for me to hear but if that’s true good if they’re all voted me then nasty.. but I don’t want to vote Dani and I definitely don’t want to vote Scott..so that kinda leads to Michael which I don’t want to vote either but I have reasons: the main reason is the past couple of challenges he’s done the worst in, and if we need to survive incase there’s no swap or merge then we need all the strong members here.

I feel a bigger bond with Dani and Scott vs Michael who I feel is cool but I don’t feel we’re clicking on a better level. And it’s not even a tribe thing it’s literallt what I feel could save us from tribal, and how don’t i know if Dani and Michael won’t vote me out right after Scott leaves? So basically what’s happening is it’s likely going to be a 2-2 on Michael and Scott, and I’m not changing my vote. So I’ll likely go to rocks and lose but that’s ok. I did my best and it could be a stupid move but I don’t wanna risk Dani and Michael voting me out if we lost again, because I’d hope Dani wouldn’t but you never know. So rocks here we come!

Malik is voted out 3-1.

#episode #royallyyours

[somedaypast-thesunset]

i dont know how i feel. i’m very conflicted and sad. i dont want to be but my soul tells me i probably should be.

hes very excited to quit his job and take temporary leave across the country. he joked, ‘youll leave me now that i dont have a job’ and i replied ‘no, youre leaving ME now that you dont have a job’

‘what do you mean? i thought you said you would follow me.’

‘... i will follow you’

‘so then follow me. thats why i wanted to bring the truck. i just want time to myself first so i can create better habits and stop being lazy.’

at this point i realized my theory regarding north york was right and he was not happy about my refusal to follow him. but it wasnt right. and although this is being spoken about 6 months in advance i feel like theres a certain amount of disrespect? like it wasnt a discussion - it was just once again something he’d do and i was welcome to join him. 

and i dont know if thats right for me? like to be totally fair, i dont know whats right for me. i dont even know where i want to be, who i want to be, what i want to o with my time. i’m really figuring all of this out right now. and like i was some years late on this because of all my shit and once i figure it out i think i’ll be fine but it’s ~the seeker again. i’ve been repeating, “i asked timothy leary and he couldnt help me either” after seeing the documentary with him an ram dass. like i have questions that are so deep an profound to life that i may never find answers and maybe thats who the fuck ill be and if thats who i am then how do i find ways to exist in this life. 

like - i hate everyone. i really dislike everyone i know right now but i continue to socialize with them because this is what ive known this is what ive built - this is what i have. i should have done better. i’m trying to make people who will never really amount to much do more than theyre ever destined for and i’m frustrated about it. i’m continually frustrated that i put in this massive amount of effort that NO ONE else puts in and they have THE EXACT SAME AMOUNT OF TIME. i know i’m sick - i know because if i wasnt, if i never had the parents i had - if i had opportunities given to me i wouldnt be here right now. i am so angry at people who have opportunities and continually shit on them. i’m here doing the most with nothing and getting only a few steps ahead. 

i thought i didnt care where i lived. but that was a serious lesson when i moved to the north of the city. i fucking hate the suburbs and i fucking hate being in the midle of nowhere. it is not fun or quaint biking everywhere or being off the main transit line. i biked home at 3am and bought smokes in the time it would take me to bike to the bus stop to go downtown. and i thought i didnt care about the way i lived but it turns out that my environment weighs heavily on me. i “thrive” in a city atmosphere where things are bustling and i can jump in at any time. i have no qualms about missing opportunities for socializing because i know ill have more very soon. being able to get resources to live super quickly means i have no problem doing multiple tasks in a day. it was like when i took anti anxiety meds and realized what anxiety was. i did not know what i had until it was gone and i was able to learn that i did in fact do better in a room. i was raised in a room. and it sounds sad and maybe it is sad but i WANT to be in a room. i dont even WANT a house. i thought i did. i thought i wanted my own little place an if i could have a stand alone room on a street maybe id take my own place but i hate it. i hate doing dishes and mopping and dusting and everything. ive just now figured out how to keep one single room tidy and organized and it makes me feel very good. 

what am i doing? he called me king of the losers. i am. i am king of the losers - of all the shitty art people trying to make a “career” from being an artist; i’m the top of the line. there are “artists” doing better than me but out of all the losers who arent, i’m the top. and i choose to remain this way because i cannot stand the attention, i canno stand being a leader and i am on the precipice of something that i know i can make huge which i do not think even my “subjects” realize what that means. if i believe something will happen - it almost always does. it means i have the confidence and drive to make it happen. its not even happenstance - i know exactly what to do, what cards to play and i feel like i’m there right now. i could take my next step above king of the losers but why? why? what will i get? acknowledgment for the work i did, people will “like me”, maybe i’ll get some money - maybe it’ll go so far that it’ll be of value to something bigger that wants a piece of it and i’ll be bought out like similar projects before me. but why? what in the hell do i care? how do i define “glory” or “success” and is this it? i’m literally twiddling my thumbs with this. i’m biding my time between this and the next “big thing” - the “serious” one. 

so why cant i follow him? if i finally get the benefits i’ve been waiting for, they’re only applicable in this province. i will have to reapply in a province that contains the amount of people currently living in this city almost four months after finally getting it here. although i have no family now, i will be literally half way across the country from anything i have ever known for the entire 27 years of my life whch is extremely terrifying right now. i dont know if i even want to leave this city right now. i just dont know. what do i do with the cats? take them half way across the country? in a pick up truck? 

what helped my consideration was the proposal .. of well a literal proposal. but not so much out of love - but a contract, an agreement between us that when we were “done”, he would pay for me to return to my home province. like itll be my job to find a place to live at but i want him to pay for my return because i know with or without a job ill be able to find some cash when i get back but getting back with my shit would be super hard and i just want to know that the hardest part for me is taken care of so i always have “freedom” to return to what i know. imagine being stuck halfway across the country because we broke up? losing all my shit? having to beg & borrow to get back to anything familiar? i dont want alimony - in fact i think this is the prenup agreement. i get nothing at all except my moving expenses covered which i think is kind of beneficial to him too - he wont have to see me or keep me around any longer than necessary. i dont know if we can legally sign an agreement that says this otherwise which is why i stupidly think maybe we sould just secretly get married to enforce the fact he cant just get up and walk away without taking care of things with me unless hes really shitty about it. its not about beig forever taken care of either - even if i have the money to move i think its fair after everything to just be able to get back an start my own life again without a major struggle. like if i give up my whole life here to go there, the least i can get is my shit sent back and a plane ticket.

but then - i dont want to take a plane alone. i mean, to get there. if he decides to road trip himself with the truk and has no reason to return he may just want to send me a ticket and i’m absolutely not ready for such things not even in six months - okay for therapeutic purposes ill say MAYBE in six months but honestly im still trying to get on a bus to toronto let alone an airplane to another province. i love him but i honestly think id refuse to get on a plane by myself. especially if i had gone through the stress of giving up the cats or hoosing to move or even leave for a significant period of time. he also has ties there and i dont and i feel like i’ll be _the_ goth girl of the province. like the entire province, i’ll be _the_ goth girl. but maybe i’m assuming and stereotyping - maybe theres a whole scene of people there i also dont want to fucking know. 

but what if this is the thing? what if this is that turning point in my life where i say fuck it and i just do a thing and see where it takes me in this life that WITH OR WITHOU A DECISION ill still be living here for the next many decades and that’s really hard to fathom. like some days i think that “okay tomorrow imjust going to bus back to my building in bramalea and say hi to my dad and chill in my room & smoke some weed”. actually, honestly, alot of days. maybe every other day this real genuine feeling of being able to do this overtakes me an i feel very saddened by it. i will never be able to do that and that is nuts. but maybe part of it is living so close. doing the same things. living the same life. this isnt a life i made, this is a life that became. 

maybe if i could take the cats i’d be more stoked on it but even i think it’s impossible. i dont know. i’m just going to try and plow ahead on my own thing - like i had been doing and reassess myself in the new year. maybe ill find “success” and within it “independence” where ill find what i have too valuable to give up. maybe nothing will change ill be desperate to find something different. 

i didnt feel good though. like, i have some insomnia which usually bothers me but i know i napped late yesterday and ran out of weed and it’s okay. i knew i’d figure something out and if iwas soooooo desperate i couldve hit a dab. but it wasnt about the weed. the lack of weed didnt give me anxiety and i sort of sat back and witnessed myself cycle through my patterns of anxiety until i had made myself upset enough to cry. im not sure i had a real reason to. but all of these things weighed heavily on my mind and i wasnt able to talk about them and maybe now even this is something to think about on my own - if i wouldnt leave the province without him, should i go with him? it’s a truly independent decision and if i want to “follow”, it’s my responsibility to decide these things in order to be able to “follow”. the lack of weed perhaps made my usual level of anxiety harder to handle and although i tried, it was still going. eventually i began to think of christmas and how he’d be gone and if i didnt go with him we’d break up and just everything that could follow did and i wanted to leave. it was the middle of the night an i was upset and i wanted to go home

but i know this gives him anxiety.  i know we’ve argued about going home after dark even. but i decided to follow the “switch” - i’m 27 years old and in no way bound to this person. theyve done numerous things far worse and i was essentially sitting beside them in the dark for hours on end for their benefit. i got dressed but it took me another 45 minutes to decide to leave. i thought id regret it - get half way there and feel stupid. maybe itd be really cold. but once i got on my bike i felt like i could breathe - i took back control. i feel like i panic at a sense of losing control of my own life. like i can lose control of situations but if i cannot atleaast control my own life and how i live, it causes panic attacks. once i felt in control i felt freedom - a freedom i didnt have to pay for. which is a really significant thing to think about. 

i dont hate him. maybe this is not about him because he has all the right in the world to decide these things because we are two individual people moving forward and we have to decide on certain things to allow each other to exist in each others lives. i realized if he was going to the store with our friend he’d probably get up early to go which meant i’d be sitting aroun waiting while he showered and ate breakfast so i could be dropped off at home for a few hours. i decided i might as well skip the morning routine and get in a few hours of sleep. he’s supposed to take me pumpkin picking later which i am excited for but right now honestly im most excited for the small sliver of comfort i created for myself.