#its ‘am i fundamentally unloveable’ time | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

liloinkoink · 4 months

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as someone who also has so much homework to do. what are your thoughts on treesekai ren (speaking of treesekai, i actually sent that fic to a friend like a year ago who doesn't watch hermitcraft etc and i remember we had fun reading it and giggling over the anime of it all so tysm for that ♡)

i am no longer doing homework so i can share thoughts. it is almost 3am tho so idk theyll be coherent

first im glad you two enjoyed it! dont know how i feel about the fact it's breached containment but it is good to know it holds up

[speaking of, this fic was posted a year ago, so if you dont know what treesekai is, here is the link for you]

second i think all the time about just how lonely treesekai Ren is. ive made posts like this before but Ren is just... he's so lonely. Ren is a character with a lot of love in him, always. he always wants someone to care about. often many someones! he gravitates towards big loyal teams, and he usually spends his time at home building a place for that team to be protected and safe, and is willing to die to defend that home (and he has. twice.)

dogwarts was a big team whose loyalty he took seriously and whose home he died to defend. the shadow alliance had matching skins and, until they went red, all ren's loyalty, and their base of operations was one of the last bases standing bc Ren continually put it back together for his teammates. Ren and BigB died on the doorstep of of box, with ren's last words being about defending it. home and the people in it are important to him

treesekai Ren is the same, but he doesnt really have anywhere to point it. he has a home, but what matters to Ren about a home is that theres people in it. he loves the country he rules but he thinks if he does that hard enough he'll have someone, and he just doesnt. he assumes he can trust his staff, thinks he'll be able to make alliances with other nations, hopes his fiance will be that person he needs. but he isnt! and Ren cant trust him! or his staff! or other royalty! no one else in the world cares about him! many of the people close to him ultimately want him dead!

so, in the game, he ends up paranoid, and he ends up evil, and he ends up dead

but in the fic he meets Martyn, and he gets that connection and affection and care hes been looking for all this time. and like. it fascinates me how much Martyn doesnt know how much hes changed ren's life. Ren isnt evil for nothing--above all he's lonely and hurt. by saving him from loneliness, Martyn saves his life. he could abandon the game plotline then and there, completely forgoing all the normal isekai tropes of running thru every event w future knowledge and picking the best possible outcome, and Ren would no longer die. just by being there and sincerely caring for Ren, Martyn has already achieved the best of all possible worlds. and he doesnt even know it!

i just. i love how lonely he is and how simple he is. he just wants to be loved. he just wants to love someone. he's a dating sim character, after all, and that's the whole point, isn't it? his world exists just so the people in it can be loved, and he's not allowed to have any of that. if youd just give him a romance, he'd be more than happy to be a love interest instead, but he isnt! he isnt allowed! no wonder he loses it. on some level, maybe he knows hes being denied the fundamental purpose for existence in his universe

this is rambly bc its rlly late but im just. it must hurt more than anything to be the one character in a world about love who is meant to be completely unlovable

#oink asks #anonymous #treesekai

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swanchime · 7 months

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disorganized untitled thesis on satosugu and the rest of jjk part 1/?

while it is true i cannot clinically be Normal(TM) about satosugu for many reasons including the probable late adolescent involvement with a buddhist cult (Etcetc u can believe any wack shit i say or not or just take it for a Schizophrenic Comedy but you know you know), i am also overflowing with satosugu thoughts at any point in time.

HERE'S SOME DISORGANIZED THOUGHTS ABOUT SATOSUGU (and yuuji/sukuna)!

gojo is what in my internal world would be classified as a "nonpareil" which means he is peerless, there is no one that can match him, and it's Not a good thing. as the english translation loves to say, "are you the strongest because you're gojo satoru? or are you gojo satoru because you're the strongest?"

what this means to me is that the entire structure of gojo's identity is composed of "being the strongest," so there's no clear casuative relationship between if he is the strongest because that's the most important thing to being "gojo satoru" or if he is known as, reputed as, identified as "gojo satoru" because of an innate trait he already possessed.

it's unclear if he "became" the strongest Because he is "gojo satoru" or if he "became" "gojo satoru" because he is the strongest.

regardless, gojo satoru's identity is defined by being "the strongest," and that means no one can match him, he is a nonpareil, he is peerless.

because of that it is easy for him to become an object of envy even by his best friend, who calls him by his first name with no honorifics, which is an immense position of intimacy despite their rivalry, as can be indicated in the early episodes of jjk s2.

just like. geto's relationship to gojo is defined by the insurmountable abyss that opens between them when they stop becoming "the strongest duo" and when gojo simply becomes "the strongest," without geto, without needing him anymore, without geto being able to catch up.

geto deeply resents gojo for gojo's peerlessness, the arrogance that befits him, because young gojo is better than everyone and he knows it. geto is incredible, but he can't catch up.

like in the first episodes of jjk s1, the difference between two special grades can be immense and immeasurable. like sukuna and that special grade curse from eps 4-5. both special grade, but two entirely different classes of it.

i'm overflowing with thoughts about how like, geto loves and hates gojo in equal measure. gojo shines so fucking brightly, geto can't help but to love him, who couldn't love him, and in my opinion, gojo Needs geto, otherwise without him...who could tolerate gojo?

if geto can't love him, who could?

just...

without geto, gojo IS the strongest, but he is alone.

to be a nonpareil is to be alone.

no one can keep up with you, no one can match you, you are utterly isolated at the top of your field. without geto, gojo is just alone. what does it matter to be the strongest if you have no one to witness you, what does it matter if you are the strongest and untouchable, unloved, and desired, but only for your practical function, your usefulness in achieving others' ends.

it's hard to explain to someone who isn't fluent in japanese, but japanese is full of ambiguities, it is a language defined by ambiguities, whereas english is defined by its contrasts and strictures, its discrete categories as fundamental as classifying something as "good" or "evil," japanese culturally exists in the middle to the point of indecision and indifference but in the ambiguity there is truth in all its invariate complexity as well.

speaking japanese to children (who are simple, and straightforward, and direct, who speak casually and plainly on a linguistic level) versus speaking children to adults (who politely obscure through layers of courtesy and keigo) is two different worlds, and speaking to teenagers is navigating that ambiguity of "how much do I obscure? and how much do i reveal?"

and the SHEER INTIMACY of geto and gojo calling each other by their first names despite the friction between them, geto deeply resenting gojo's arrogance but also being drawn in irrevably by his magnitude...

it's immense.

geto and gojo calling each other by their first names means that they are each other's most precious person. as intimate as you can ever get with another human being. it's not just a "cute party trick" or a "fun fiction trope for couples" it's like, an extremely intimate way of defining their relationship (and subtextually defining it as one of deep, severe love that surpasses 'bromance' or however else you want to superficially and non homosexually categorize it) it just...

geto and gojo calling each other by their first names shows the viewer how much they love each other and are in love.

i'll talk about it another time, but jujutsu kaisen is a deeply encoded series about decrypting the cipher of "symbols" and various other coded messages, particularly queer ones, that are so deeply encrypted that shounen jump doesn't register it as "actually really fucking homosexual / transgender"

but just. i can't express to you how painful watching...geto's resentment, his desire to be as special and necessary and desirable and wanted instead of swallowing vomit stained rags and viscera and vermin, and feeling dirty because of it. and hating the world. and feeling deeply and intimately that you are an unnecessary existence, annihilated by the shining bright light of your best friend who you are deeply in love with but who without even blinking an eye outshines you, outclasses you, doesn't ever and may have never needed you at all.

these things...these deep held vulnerabilities and open wound of insecurities, this fundamental lack of security in the necessity of his own existence, imo calls back to okkotsu's themes of wishing to have the permission to live (i want to feel as though it is okay to live).

these things make geto vulnerable to cult tactics. who will convince you that you're special, necessary, more necessary than anyone, the way cults build a "family" out of it is too true, so true, too much, the way geto financially exploits his followers as well as manipulating advantage out of them (swallowing curses) while presenting himself as a buddha....

the way geto sincerely loves his family, so so much, he cares about them so deeply...but like gojo says love is the most perverse curse of all, and geto's love for them...who can say what it is, other than love.

the perversion of love is love, too.

the thing about "families" like geto's is that they are sincere, and real, and true, but you can't leave, you can never leave once you get in there, they won't let you leave alive, and that is the shape of geto's love, it requires absolute devotion to him and his curse, those girls he saved, mimiko and nanako, his daughters, say that "if geto-sama says black is white and white is black, then it is" because he saved them...

but geto requires complete and absolute conviction in himself and in his cause, and anything less will result in execution.

in such "factions," there is more loyalty than you will ever see in the world. but more blood, too. to be loved utterly and completely in a way that requires absolute devotion and conviction with no room for even a sliver of doubt. to be loved like that is a perversion, but to be loved like that is to be loved absolutely.

i have been loved like that, and i will never love or be loved like that again.

geto: won't you curse me a little, at the end?

gojo: love is the most perverse curse of all.

they love each other at the end, they still love each other, and in jjk0 when gojo is talking to yaga, he still calls geto "suguru," because gojo still loves him, and gojo says suguru is "his only best friend," it's so...it's so incredibly vivid, and painful, and damning.

gojo without suguru is absolutely alone. there is no one to match him, and there is no one to stay with him, be with him, there is no one to celebrate his successes or criticize his failures or play with him and let him be silly and coquettish, there is no one to be with him at all. gojo is LITERALLY untouchable, and the same is true on an emotional/metaphorical level too.

no one can touch gojo. no one.

this makes gojo...more isolated than any could know.

(laughing) it's lonely at the top.

suguru's era where he is a cultrunner is where kenjaku, who has been described to me as 'the ancient curse spirit of guanyin' i think begins to coalesce inside him.

suguru's entire thing with the stitches on his forehead and that image of him revealing the curse in his brain. that's literally just DID of kenjaku taking over the person that used to be geto. but i think kenjaku was there before, nascent. growing.

jjk in many facets is a DID narrative. this is just the plain and simple truth regardless of if your belief follows mine or not. it is my truth, but i believe it is a textual truth as well. rika is okkotsu's alter; she protects okkotsu severely to the point she won't even let him commit suicide, she stops him, okkotsu created her, he is terrified of her but she protects him at all costs. okkotsu is a severe child on child violence victim.

and so in junpei, who dies because (imo) she can't form an alter, so she represents the child on child abuse victim who is groomed until death. my thesis on trans junpei and trans megumi coming later.

and ofc yuuji and sukuna. yuuji who after eating sukuna's finger knocks on his head and says "yeah, but he's kind of annoying. i can hear his voice," and the implications that no one else can see sukuna's tattoos except the reader.

if gojo, the strongest, with six eyes, can't tell the difference between a clearly inked out curse marked sukuna and yuuji who doesn't have any such thing, if he has to ask, then i think there's no stronger indicator of their difference other than visually, for the reader.

not to mention that sukuna even in his mind palace looks identical to yuuji. if this were a typical "possession" narrative then why would he, in his literal "mind palace" (ryouiki tenkai / that space inside himself where he speaks to yuuji), like why would he independently of yuuji where he could look like anyone in the world. choose to look like slobbering ouppy dog boy silly yuuji.

sukuna IS yuuji, or who yuuji could be. or who exists, so yuuji can exist independently as he is, in all his naivete and instinctual dependence rather than on his mind (sukuna possesses all the cunning).

and sukuna even makes that deal in one of the early episodes where he can have five minutes to do what he wants / take over for five minutes, and then makes yuuji forget it, to the point gojo asks him what he talks about with sukuna, and yuuji says he forgot / can't remember.

DID amnesia.

and at the very last episode in the hallway where yuuji is talking to sukuna alone as though they have spoken together a thousand times. yuuji telling sukuna he can't tell megumi about the truth regarding the curses. that scene's framing just...suggests that yuuji has a lot of off-screen conversations with sukuna. that yuuji uncharacteristically somber and serious. collaborating with sukuna. as a part of him.

and that mahito arc, with mahito commenting on the way that yuuji and sukuna are two souls.

jujutsu kaisen is everything to me. i see it in some ways as a recounting / prediction of places have been in my mind / and places i will be. because i see it as a history so similar to mine, i see my own future in it. is this crazy? OF COURSE IT IS. but it is one of the most precious and sacred things to me.

but, believe me or not, these things and thoughts remain true regardless of the silence that awakens in the absence of belief, these thoughts are mine and the truth i see / seek in jujutsu kaisen...is my own path, my own journey, for me.

but i did want to share any thoughts...about the things i see/seek in jjk. just for myself. but if anyone wants to see, so be it, too. maybe it'll make you think regardless of if you agree.

i love jujutsu kaisen. i think in many ways...it saved my life. it still is saving my life.

i hope i can see it to its end.

#jjk #satosugu #jjk meta #jjk analysis #geto suguru #satosugu meta #gojo satoru #itadori yuuji #ryomen sukuna

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rabarbarzcukrem · 6 months

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Okay I've been meaning to write this post for a while because. Those last few episodes have fucking layers mannnn

So let me start by saying that House and Cuddy's relationship was, sadly, doomed from the very beginning. That's not to say that it didn't have any chance of working out, ever, because they clearly had chemistry and cared about each other. But the circumstances of them getting together, the fact that it was the reason House decided to stay clean makes for an absolutely awful start. It fucks up the dynamic of your relationship - it demands one person to stay for the sake of ensuring the other doesn't relapse, and no one should ever be put under this kind of pressure. Secondly, it was always conditional - which is actually not as bad as it sounds. House is a person who loves pushing boundaries, and Cuddy is a woman who knows her own worth. She, Stacy and even Dominika aren't pushovers - with them, there are lines that House knows he can't cross. Lines that, once crossed, will make them decide it's not worth it and leave him.

And here's where Wilson comes in, because he's exactly this kind of pushover. During one of the therapy sessions House straight up admits that's why he's still his friend - because he can say anything to him and he won't leave. Wilson's affection for him is truly unconditional, and as unhealthy it may be, it's the only kind of relationship that really works for House.

See, he is fundamentally a selfish person. I am not saying that he doesn't have his moments of kindness, but on the most basic level he prioritizes his own needs above everyone else's. He's right when he says he doesn't sacrifice himself. In fact he's incapable of, or perhaps too stubborn to, sacrifice even the smallest amount of his own comfort for the other person, or to simply make the situation easier - a quality that's crucial for, y'know. Existing within society, not to mention maintaining a romantic relationship. He follows his own curiosities with no regard for anything, he will intentionally make his own life harder just to get what he wants, to end up being right. Even in his affection and care for other people he's always centering himself - when Cuddy is hospitalized, he panics. But his fear doesn't motivate him to support her in this trying time, it consumes him to the point he can't even bring himself to visit her. It doesn't matter that she's the one who's sick, or even that her tumor is benign. The only thing that matters is that he is scared.

Someone might say: "well, yeah, but underneath all of this he's actually full of self-hate". And I agree! Except that fact only contributes to his selfishness. You know how anxiety disorders make you worry about what other people think of you to the point you're not actually focusing on them, but only on yourself and your worst qualities? That's exactly what's happening here. In fact, his overall cynicism and pessimism require that of him. If he believes himself a horrible person, and one incapable of change at that, and also believes in the inherent cruelty of the universe and ultimate egoism of all people, of course he ends up unable to connect with anyone. Like when he ends up pushing Stacy away, because he decides it's not even worth it to give them a chance at happiness - making it all about himself again. He thinks he's unlovable, so he acts like a dick. Because he acts like a dick, no one wants to deal with him. This confirms his assumption that he's unlovable, and the cycle continues.

And the reason these last episodes are so gut-wrenching is because all of that gets completely turned on its head. You see, Wilson and his friendship is House's point of reference, the one stable thing in his life, one thing he can be sure of. He's very cautious about depending on anything and anyone else, and yet in Wilson he puts complete trust. During his time in prison, he admits to one of the men there that he's "peepless", because nobody has ever visited him. Yet once he comes back, he's fully ready to fall into the same routine with Wilson, almost as if the possibility of their friendship ending has never crossed his mind. Because he can do unimaginably stupid and cruel things, he can make everyone hate him, but no matter what he does he will not lose Wilson.

Except that when Wilson gets cancer, he has to face the reality that no matter what he does...he will lose him. And the rug is pulled from under his feet.

Once again, we see House repeat the usual pattern of being so scared of losing people that he panics and abandons them at the time they need him the most. He's so terrified of having to not only witness Wilson's death, but keep on living without him, that he gives in to his most self-destructive tendencies. He takes the cowardly way out, because the alternative would require him to get over himself, to get over his fear and insecurities, to endure it for the sake of being there for someone else. He can't bring himself to, he decides it's just not worth the pain.

Except..in those last moments, when he's debating with himself if he should go through with it, he ends up breaking the goddamn pattern. He goes against his self-centeredness, his stagnancy, the features that are the most central to his whole character and opens himself up to change. House! Who has long accepted that people, and especially him, will never change! He sacrifices not only his comfort, not only his core beliefs, but the very thing he lives for - the puzzle, or more specifically, medicine, just to spend these last few months with his best friend. It doesn't matter that it hurts, it doesn't matter that House has lost all hope and doesn't see the point of it all, he will bear it. Because Wilson needs him..and that's enough.

#DO YOU GET IT DO YOU UNDERSTAND #once again proving how normal I am about them #that's why no matter how sad it makes me I can't bring myself to imagine that house decides to keep living after wilson dies #because wilson is quite literally the only thing that prevents house from killing himself in the first place #he proclaims himself dead to wilson #I like how one person put it... that he's 'living on Wilson's borrowed time'#oh my god I just realized something.#doesn't it make House's relationship with cuddy a parallel to the ending.#he stays clean just to be with cuddy and he stays alive just to be with wilson. oh my god #someone sedate me #house md #hilson #< I guess #h #moje

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capseycartwright · 1 year

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it’s past midnight, when you say it, your voice somewhat robotic as you speak, the tram trundling on, taking me toward home as i call the person i know i can always call, even when it’s late at night and i’m drunk. especially when it’s late at night and i’m drunk.

“you’re not afraid he’ll say no,” and the way you say it is gentle but the sentiment is the brutal one i need to hear: the tough love i know you’re always willing to give. “you’re afraid he’ll say yes.”

and you say much more than that - in words and in writing, the confidant and friend i need in moments like these - but those are the words i can’t help but fixate on.

because it’s true.

i’m not actually afraid of him rejecting me: it would hurt, sure, but it wouldn’t be the first time in my life i experienced rejection. it wouldn’t even be the first time this year. i pride myself on my ability to walk off a no and turn the rejection into something better. i can deal with a no - and i’m sure it would be a kindly delivered, still affectionate no, because we’re friends now. and he's kind. i know that much about him.

i’m more afraid that he'll say yes.

if you say yes -

then i have to let him in, for real, and i don’t know if i can do that. and that’s a hard thing to admit: but if the past few years of my life have done anything, they’ve caused me to build an utterly impenetrable wall around myself to the point where i now struggle to express my emotions even to the people i know and love the most. and i could sit here and tell you the sad story of why, and explain all the ways that i have been let down by someone i loved but that’s not the point of this: the point is that i’m not sure i remember how to let anyone in the way you saying yes would warrant.

and then there’s the other reason it scares me - and it’s the part i couldn’t admit to my best friends as we stood outside of a bar last night and they told me how much they loved me and how incredible they think i am. it’s the reason i never manage to admit when someone asks me why i am so reluctant to do something about a crush that’s seeming as though it could be awfully, wonderfully mutual. it’s the bit that i find hard to admit to myself, sometimes, but you knew last night because we have always been a reflection of each other and you recognise my self destructive tendencies because you lived them yourself -

the problem is that i have convinced myself that i am fundamentally unloveable and if he says yes than that’s not true anymore and i don’t know if i know how to accept that. because for so much of my life i have told myself: you’re too tall, too big, you take up too much space. you’re too quiet and when you talk, you talk too much, and its annoying. i have been so unkind to myself for as long as i can remember and i feel so uncomfortable in my own skin and in my own life sometimes and if he says yes, then -

then i have start believing in the things that other people see in me. if he says yes, then the firm belief i have held that the problem has always been me and who i am isn’t true because he’ll have looked at me and seen someone he wants. and how can i expect someone else to want me when sometimes i am not sure if I even want to be around myself?

“you’re not afraid he’ll say no,” you repeat, and you’re hundreds of miles away but you might as well be sitting on the tram next to me, giving me the same pep talk you did five years ago during our masters. “you’re afraid he’ll say yes - and if he does, you lose control of the fantasy and you’ve got to embrace reality.”

and the thing is -

i have never been very good at giving up control: and if he says yes than i don’t get to be the sole driver of this situation anymore and -

“you’re afraid to try,” you finish, firm in your words. “but you’re worth trying for.”

and i wish i wish i wish i wish i saw myself through your eyes, just for one minute, but you love me enough that it makes me feel like maybe i could try, and -

"honey - you have to give him a chance to say yes."

#anyway.... lets not talk about it #its fine i'll call my therapist #in which i ramble #my writing tag

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mossiestpiglet · 1 year

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GOD seeing your tags abt uncle got me so excited because *YOU FUCKING GET IT!!!!!* when uncle got super popular on tumblr for a couple of weeks everyone was just talking about val, which i get, val is great and i fluctuate between wishing he was my father figure and that he'd step on me in his pleasers, but the entirety of uncle is just spectacular. i was going to go on a massive gushing tirade but every single thought is escaping me so i just want to say one of my personal favorite parts of the show is that even though gwen and andy had a nasty breakup and realistically it would be perfectly feasible that they never speak to each other again, but i love that instead they managed to stay friendly, and andy got close with val and casper after having extremely rocky starts to his relationships with both. the show is just very loving without being too saccharine and inauthentic-feeling and i think that's part of what makes it so *everything* to me. i only watched val's episodes in season 1 the first time i tried watching the show but i'm so glad i decided to download and watch the whole thing, it's an incredibly special show and i'm so glad other people connected with it like i have.

Uncle is actually what I recommend people in my life watch first of anything Con has been in if they haven’t already seen him in something! That “loving without being too saccharine and inauthentic-feeling” is exactly what makes it connect so well; you can love everyone in it because you’re watching them mess up and the show always says that your actions have consequences but the consequence is never that you as a person are fundamentally unlovable. Everyone messes up but no one is abandoned, and when shit really hits the fan people always come to help each other, even people who were enemies to start! And because so much work is done to make each relationship develop and make sense you understand why these characters that used to hate each other end up supporting each other, like it’s just a genuinely well done show.

I love the way Andy and Gwen’s relationship develops, especially because I think it’s tied directly to Val’s 180 turn in behavior towards Andy too and I’m obsessed with Val and Andy’s relationship (both canon and in a shippy way). We don’t really see Val and Gwen deciding to stop antagonizing Andy, but I still think that based on timing it has to do with Gwen lying about being pregnant and Val ending up catching the lie. I think that that event resulted in the both of them having to examine the way that they’d been treating Gwen as the always-innocent party and Andy as the always-guilty party. It’s all part of the show not shying away from every character being capable of making mistakes and then still not being abandoned in the consequences. Gwen and Val could have been cut from the show after Gwen and Andy definitely aren’t getting back together anymore, but no! After season 1 Val becomes even more involved in Andy’s life and both Val and Gwen become included in the extended family dynamic around Errol. I love too that Andy and Casper aren’t made to be friends or even friendly until they’re in a space where it’s on their own terms and over a subject of mutual interest; they’re allowed to finally just be musicians and they finally get along.

Uncle has become one of my top shows on its own merit, even outside of being Con’s work, and I am so glad that I happened to get into OFMD and Con’s filmography just so that I could find this little low stakes show about a failure musician and his nerdy nephew and all their mistakes because it has brought me so much joy

#also I’m gonna rewatch it right now while I sort my books #god I love uncle #spins Val’s character arc around in my head for days #holds Andy out in my hands to passers by like ‘look look at the scruffy man! water him and he will Grow’#errol and Lucius would get along SO well and would have stede in crying in seconds #uncle bbc #ecdysing

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allthecolorsofourlove · 8 months

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Summer is charged with something. I don’t know what it is or why, but all those years of summer being the last gasp of a self have given it a beating heart. The cadence matches mine. Its breaking warms my soul. We are growing back together and it feels charged with something too. This is why I stay away from him: put much more than an arms length between us to keep the wanting firmly at bay. But he comes back to me. Every time, he comes back to me. Waits patiently, hugs me drunk. Hugs me drunk again. And again. And again. Slurs, I miss you, we need to hang out, I’m so happy to see you, and then tumbles out onto the patio. I won’t let myself think anything of it. I don’t let myself linger on things you throw at me, pasta on drywall, seeing what sticks. I peel it off and let perseveration die. At least, I try to. You’re shushing me during that show though, where best friends turn to lovers, and kiss in a museum—but when first rejected, the boy says, I’m fundamentally unlovable. He gets told, You care about your friends so loudly. The air thickens. Charged. I’m trying to talk through it. I’m joking about his haircut. I’m mirroring him. He deflects. I do the same. But you’re shushing me. Gasping softly at the way she looks at him. Saying that I truly am the worst person to watch this with. Why? What’s hard about seeing best friends fall in love? Why do you care? The girl says to friends, I’ve just liked him for so long, it hurts. My mouth seals shut. I keep you at arms length. I don’t tell you why I do. And you won’t tell me why you miss me so much, will you? Summer closes her doors on us, just as she has before—over and over and over again, when we shared beds and I’d kiss you on the forehead goodnight, or when you crawled into my lap in that nextdoor parking lot, or now, this time, where I almost think I catch you looking at my lips when I ask when you’re free. I don’t know what to do with you. I don’t know what to do with all this energy.

#stream of consciousness #prose poetry #poetry #writing

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mouthsfullofsharpteeth · 1 year

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me: i am fundamentally unloveable and evil and cruel and terrible and irredeemable and- *checks time* oh its after one in the morning. nvm

#never trust ur thoughts about urself after nine pm #words to live by

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emperorsfoot · 1 year

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How would you rate the He Man shows?

Giving either of them empirical ratings is hard since my feelings about them shift daily depending on my moods or what details from them I'm thinking about at that time.

For example, I would give Revelation a 10/10 for being the first Masters of the Universe series to have any balls and kill off He-Man in the first episode. An act which allowed the narrative to focus on and showcase the other heroes. Giving us not one, but 3 strong female leads in Teela, Andra, and Lyn; and exploring the depth of their characters and range of their emotions to an extent that no other MotU series has done before. Good job Rev!

But, I would also give Revelation a 1/10 for utterly butchering all the other characters! I was just talking about this last night with @lemaistrechat but Rev made a lot of characters OOC and/or changed their backstories in ways that did not sit well with fans (me, that did not sit well with me, I am fans). Randor threatening the death penalty to his former best friend. Changing Orko's entire backstory to make him angsty and unloved from the start. Skeletor having a Fridge Wife in the tie-in comic, then being an abusive boyfriend to Lyn in the show. Kuduk Ungol (or anyone for that matter, really) saying "good bye" instead of what they're supposed to say on Eternia, "good journey". I know Kevin Smith used to be a fan of MotU, but you wouldn't know it watching Rev. Revelation feels like a show that was made by someone who was given an assignment and turned in the homework without ever reading the book.

So, for Masters of the Universe Revelation, I guess that averages out to a 5/10? But its not a solid 5/10, like I said, it depends on the day and my mood.

The Core/CGI series I generally have a higher opinion of overall. Yes, yes, they changed the characters dramatically. They de-aged Duncan so now he's the same age as Teela, they made Ram Man into Ram Ma'am, they made Keldor completely human instead of half-Gar, Mosquitor is now Mosquitara... Yes, these are all big and dramatic changes.

But-! These changes enhance the experience and uplift the narrative, while the changes made to Rev did not make sense and dragged down the narrative. That is the fundamental difference.

My biggest complaints about the series are mostly just that the Snakemen were just mindless zombies instead of actual characters and we never got to see King Hiss.

Overall, I guess I would give Core/CGI 8/10. Its not a perfect show, but it is better than Rev. They might have taken a lot of creative liberties and completely reimagined the world and characters into something dramatically different. But it's still recognizable as Masters of the Universe. You can tell the creators did the reading and understood the assignment.

#motu #masters of the universe #motur #masters of the universe revelation #cgi motu #H&M motu #CGI he-man #H&M he-man #masters of the universe core/cgi

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graceandgracey · 2 years

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yesterday, my (therapist) lecturer said (and i’m paraphrasing here) that loneliness is just hamburgers. it was very helpful. i’ll explain:

i’m not proud of this but personally, i eat a lot of hamburgers. mostly because they’re convenient. and yes, i know this will eventually be not so good for me.

some of my interpersonal relationships are kind of this way too. being in them gets the job done - it means i am technically not lonely. for example, i am a child and a sibling, which means i have parents, sisters and a brother and i love them very much. but am i fully known and loved and nourished to each of them? are any of them fully known, loved or nourished by me? would it even be healthy for me to be fully known by my family? in an ideal world, maybe, but on earth? a fantasy.

and thus a hamburger relationship is identified - i am not technically lonely, but i am not nourished and i am at risk of getting sick. the loneliness sickness (to extend the metaphor) is no joke. its symptoms include the shits (thinking there is something fundamentally wrong with you), fatigue (believing you are wholly unloved), and depression (as well as low confidence/self esteem). most of the time, these thoughts are entirely untrue. there is nothing wrong about you. you’ve just been eating too many hamburgers.

if you feel the loneliness shits coming on, try diversifying your social diet. get some greens & fibre into you. find relationships that nourish you. i know this isn’t a simple process, but my lecturer said this doesn’t even have to be people - can be pets or the beach. it can be helpful to imagine what your pets or the beach would say to you, or what part of you they acknowledge & nourish.

whatever/wherever it is, just know that nourishment is out there, it is attainable, and you are not unloved.

#on loneliness #if you want more articulation on loneliness grae by moses sumney has been really helpful

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valoricky · 6 days

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Sorry mate I would fall in love with you but I am happily married and I committed. For what is worth, I -do- wish you can find someone you can spend good times with. I hesitated a lot before getting in this relationship until my therapist told me we must look for reasons to love rather than reasons not to. Hope that advice helps you as well!

thank you for the sentiment. Honestly whenever I make text posts its just to complain because emotionally I'm really in the pits rn. I don't really except anybody to see them

Sad rambling under the cut

I'm just lonely and I want to be loved and cared for and also I want to hear it all the time.

And of course I need to constantly remind myself that my friends do care for me and their care should be respected.

My mind constantly tells me that nobody loves me and I'm just fundamentally unloveable because I'm boring and unattractive - all the usual stuff a brain can tell a person.

I guess I wonder what I want. Constant attention I guess? Or something like, I wish I could be someone's number 1 person. Or at least, I want to feel important to somebody specific.

Its shallow stuff too, I know that. A partnership is of course a relationship people build with each other and work at to keep in flourishing.

Maybe it is also because I hate myself thoroughly and I wish someone would just like me more than I hate myself. But eh, I guess love isnt about that either.

I guess I wanna say, I hate yearning. Sometimes I hate romantic stories because I'm deeply jealous that thats unattainable because nobody in the world would care about me like in those stories. I'm jealous of domesticity and to be thought about by someone else, jealous of others who are desired and cherised and are attractive.

I wish I felt desirable I guess, or in the sense, that someone wanted me.

I wish that I could build a partnership with someone, be part of a dynamic duo, a best friendship where two people are always thought of in tandem and who are ride or die for each other.

Eh 😔 its just fantasies. Just dreams of something that will never happen to me.

#Rambling #Asks #Anon #Sorry anon

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jdgo51 · 8 months

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Covered by Grace: Dealing with Shame

Today's inspiration comes from:

Now I Become Myself

by Ken Shigematsu

State Shame versus Trait Shame

"'The temporary state of feeling shame when we realize that we have lost standing in someone’s eyes because we have done something wrong can be redemptive. As the theologian Lewis Smedes writes, “A healthy sense of shame is perhaps the surest sign of our divine origin and our human dignity. When we feel this sense of shame, we are feeling a nudge from our true selves.”1'

"'But feeling shame as a more permanent trait—a sense that we are fundamentally flawed and are unworthy and unlovable — is toxic and destructive.

Healthy shame can function like a proximity sensor on a car, signaling that we have veered off in the wrong direction so we can steer back toward our divine origin. In the beginning we were made in the image of God, and before “original sin” we experienced original glory.

If shame tells us that we are not living the way we were designed to live, then before sin came into the world, shame was not an emotion human beings experienced. According to Genesis, Adam and Even existed in the garden of Eden naked and without shame. They lived not only physically naked in each other’s presence, but they were also psychologically and spiritually open and free with each other — a condition we’ve yearned for ever since.

But then sin and shame entered their story.

The very phrasing that Adam and Eve were both naked and felt no shame suggests that this emotion was about to enter their world. The biblical author could have written, “they were naked and happy,” or “they were naked and at home with themselves and each other.”2

Then Satan enters the garden of Eden and approaches Eve and Adam in the form of a serpent. When we hear the word “serpent,” we might imagine a hideous creature slithering on its belly. But according to some biblical scholars, before the serpent was cursed, it may well have been the most dazzlingly beautiful creature in the garden.

Scripture tells us that Satan was once an angel of light, but one who apparently didn’t feel like he was enough, so he aspired to be equal to God. This one who feels like he’s not enough approaches Adam and Eve and insinuates that they are not enough either. He whispers, “You could be so much more if you eat of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil. You will be just like God, knowing good from evil. You will be fulfilled and free!”

The serpent suggests that by forbidding them to eat from the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil, God doesn’t have their best interests at heart — and literally and figuratively, Adam and Eve bite.

But do they become like God? Fulfilled and free? A better version of themselves?

No — immediately, they sense that something has been taken from them, and they experience a feeling they have never known before: shame. Their instinct is to hide. So they reach for fig leaves to cover themselves (Genesis 3:7). When we turn away from our creator — the source of all beauty, love, and joy — instead of feeling that we are more, we feel that we are less. And

even as we are turning away, we are longing to experience connection and belonging, to find someone who, despite our shame, will love us and say, “I am here, and I am not going anywhere.”

Covering Ourselves

Like Adam and Eve, shame makes us feel vulnerable and exposed, and so we avert our gaze, looking down and away, or curl in on ourselves, making ourselves small. When we feel this way — whether at a conscious or unconscious level — we frantically try to do something to cover ourselves so we don’t have to feel the pain of our shame.

Some of us may overwork as a way of covering our sense of deficiency. While I was in my twenties, I worked in the corporate world of Tokyo. My workday went from seven in the morning until just after eleven at night (including the commute time). In the shame and honor culture of Japan, “seven-eleven” men work long hours not only out of loyalty to the company but also to be seen by others as dutiful and hard-working.

Some of us might use sports as a way to cover ourselves. Growing up, I loved sports, especially informal games of hockey or football in the cul-de-sac in front of our home. But during high school, I began forming my identity around sports. I began to play sports as a way to earn respect and to impress girls who would otherwise not notice me.

Others might pursue knowledge and education as a kind of covering, a fig leaf to mask the nagging sense of not being enough. I have a brilliant and well-educated friend who has earned degrees from several prestigious schools and is a widely respected leader in his field. But in junior high, he was bullied because he wasn’t athletic, and sports were valued above all else. In the schoolyard, he hid from his peers and soothed himself by silently repeating, “I’m smarter than you. I’m smarter than you. I’m smarter than you.”

We can also use our ministry involvements to cover over our sense of inadequacy. Though I would love to say I have always engaged in my pastoral ministry solely for the glory of God and the good of others, if I am honest, I have to admit that a part of me has wanted to succeed in my vocation as a way to prove my worthiness.

We can also become religiously compulsive and obsessively conscientious as a way of masking our feelings of not being enough. Or we might cultivate a sculpted body, curate our image through social media, or try to raise accomplished children to cover up our inner shame.

All these psychological fig leaves of being more athletic or musical, smarter or better educated, thinner or beefier, higher on the ladder of our profession, amassing money or travel experiences, or being morally upright may make us feel temporarily better, but none of them will bring us the lasting, confident contentment we are seeking. Trappist monk Thomas Merton observed that we try to clothe our invisible, nonexistent self in an attempt to make our invisible self more objectively real.3 We wrap achievements, novel experiences, pleasures, and material possessions around ourselves like bandages, believing that these coverings will make our invisible selves more visible.4

Merton described this self that we are trying to create by what we do, have, or accomplish as our false self.5

How can “we become who we were before the world told us who we had to be”?

The False Self

Living for achievement, approval, pleasure, and material security will ultimately fail to cover and protect us. All these coverings are mere fig leaves that provide a very temporary and flimsy garment.

I have a friend who is a gifted actor, who can step into a variety of personas not only on a movie set but also in real-life interviews and social situations. He can play a brash, über-confident man or a deferential and solicitous one, a charming flirt or a shy and nervous misfit. But when we project a false self, the “self” that others love is not really us.

Furthermore, when we live from our constructed false self, we cannot truly experience the love of God, for as Thomas Merton contends, God does not know (and therefore cannot love) our false self. Merton goes on to say that to be unknown by God gives us way too much privacy!6

Coming Home to Our True Self

So how do we return to our true self? How do we recover our primal innocence of being “naked and without shame” before God? How can we exhibit the best qualities of a healthy and free child who has not yet learned to wear the cumbersome raincoat of shame, which repels the grace of God?7

In the words of a friend, how can “we become who we were before the world told us who we had to be”?

How can we become more vulnerable and open, living from the deep center of our true selves rather than a projected image that will impress others or ourselves?

Where we can say with the poet May Sarton:

Now I become myself.

It’s taken Time, many years and places;

I have been dissolved and shaken,

Worn other people’s faces...

Now I become myself.8

How can we begin to live from our true self so we can truly experience the love of God, which will cover us with a lasting garment that protects us from the storms of life?

When we realize we have lost our keys, wallet, or something precious or important, we retrace our steps to the place we last remember having the lost item. We have all lost the innocent sense of being naked and unashamed, uninhibited and free, living from our deep center, our true self. So let us go back to where we last experienced that sense of uncovered vulnerability.

At the beginning of the biblical story, humans walked with God without shame in Eden in the cool of the day, enjoying true intimacy with the Creator.

We, too, can overcome our sense of shame as we walk with God and enjoy intimacy with our Maker. When the light of God’s love shines into our lives, the diamond of our true self will be illuminated, and we will grow more beautiful and vulnerable, open and free. As we live in the light of this divine love, we will be freed of the shame that binds us.

Our deepest happiness will not come from pursuing achievement, pleasure, or material security, but from knowing and living in divine love. This love isn’t something we achieve but is a gift that we receive. It is not something we can create; it is conferred on us by another."'

Lewis B. Smedes, Shame and Grace: Healing the Shame We Don’t Deserve (Lexington: Lexington Accessible Textbook Service, 2006), 32. Curt Thompson, The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe about Ourselves (Downers Grove, IL: InterVarsity Press, 2015), 99. Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, 34–35. Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, 34–35. Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, 34–35. Merton, New Seeds of Contemplation, 34. Shame is not hardwired into us, but children as young as fifteen months can learn to feel shame. May Sarton, “Now I Become Myself,” in Collected Poems, 1930– 1973 (New York: Norton, 1974), 156, used with permission. The poem was brought to my attention in Parker J. Palmer, Let Your Life Speak: Listening for the Voice of Vocation (San Francisco: Jossey-Bass, 2000), 9.

Excerpted with permission from Now I Become Myself by Ken Shigematsu, copyright Ken Shigematsu.

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mosesdumpin · 9 months

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I really wanted to be a misanthropic little shit. I tried to be a cynic. None of it could last very long. I can't assume the world has fallen ill to evil and the default stance of humanity is malice. I wanted to think like this because I have been mistreated, unloved, damaged, and victimized. I was abandoned and felt a gaping maw where I was told love would be. Telling my stories, explaining my emotions, and sharing my history should enable my turn into heavy-lidded nihilism. But I just love humans so fucking much.

In fact, one of the primary overwhelming and positive emotions I have felt lately have been a deep appreciation of humanity as a whole. I want to be clear, I am not claiming this as a version of inherent compassion or empathy. It is the result of the lack of socialization, hyper-fixations, and nosiness. I was/am a know-it-all little shithead whose entire ego is wrapped up in what I know or do not know. And a subject that requires a steady, risky, years-long, and ongoing study in order to even vaguely understand is Other People. From social behaviors to being introspectively aware its not something you learn from articles or science journals. Sure, you can get the gist or memorize the outline of it all, but the reason this subject (other humans) is so difficult is because, like a rudimentary mirror of quantum mechanics, it is fundamentally altered at every step through the sheer existence of yourself. Knowing yourself should be easy, but it is not for the same reason its difficult to know others. Yourself is fundamentally altered at every step through the sheer existence of literally anyone else. Our identities and selves are feedback loops who are constantly trying to give structure to a dynamic system unfathomably larger than ourselves - like how we choose to draw a wave in the ocean. I sometimes go on a kick watching dance crews and choreography. This is happening more since I got into XG since I find their performance captivating and tends to trigger this urge. This usually always ends in me sobbing; rocking back and forth with the famously ugly cry face as if I've lost a loved one. In reality, I'm overwhelmed with awe and joy at how fundamentally Human dancing and music is. It isn't so much like crying at something beautiful as it is succumbing to the sheer weight of something too huge for me to ever understand. That isn't to say it isn't a GOOD emotion. Its one of my favorite emotions. I know we like to do the whole "blue speck in an infinite universe" thing but to me its like being a flea on a rat musing about the unfathomable scale of New York City when we can only barely conceptualize the rat we are standing on. Humanity taking the accidentally evolved (redundant phrasing, just assume I mean it for emphasis) survival trait of pattern recognition and remixing it with digital (as in, fingers and such) dexterity to create music and THEN remix it again within the boundaries of the bodily dexterity/flexibility we lost when becoming bipedal... while syncing the best of what we have gained with what we have lost to express something we perceive as infinite - cognition and emotion. Above all, since pre-history and pre-pre-history, likely since our pattern seeking behaviors honed to its slightest edge, we did this despite it offering only token or deeply indirect assistance to survival or production. You can argue its a social behavior (which is true) and helps all of our social ties in some way but honestly, have you danced alone before? Have you felt that joy, that eruption of movement to music or excitement? Have you felt joy or peace when you've hit the right note at the right time when you aren't even trying to play a specific song or piece? Sure, this is social, our brains reward us for refining a social behavior blah blah. Honestly I think every time we sing, play a song, create music, dance, tap our feet, bang our heads, move in sync, shake, jump, exult, and CREATE we are riding the resonance of humanity like the surface tension of a rock being skipped across a vast, unimaginable ocean of ourself. This idea is my Eldritch God, my Seraphim, my Infinitely Expanding Universe, and the Face of God. I cower before the knowledge of how small and weak I am compared to it, but I can exult that I am an aspect of it, like a single pixel in a digital photo whose dimensions are so large I can only define it as infinity.

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