#its funny. he was so terribly afraid if grwoing old and forgetting and now here i am. worrying that moving on might mean forgetting too.

[do-rey-me]

me, grieving through gritted teeth: the ball will get smaller the ball will get smaller the ball will get smaller tHE B

my brain, bored and actively throwing the ball at the button: hey why dont you desperately try to remember everything you've lost, huh? maybe if you hold on tight enough you wont forget his laugh through smoking lungs, or his smile with fucked up teeth, or the way he held your hand and it felt like safety, even if all you can remember is holding his while he slept and could do nothing haha :) maybe you'll be able to remember even though you had such a short time with him and a whole life in front of you to forget :)) the little details are what you loved so much about him, right? but you cannot individually hold onto a million grains of sand. something will slip. perhaps something already has, how are you to know?

#rey rambles #death tw #grief tw #mourning tw #vent tw #ask to tag #sorry abt this. its 1 AM and i can feel that 1 year anniversary coming up #its funny. he was so terribly afraid if grwoing old and forgetting and now here i am. worrying that moving on might mean forgetting too. #i dont have memories of scenes but i do have specific things abt people that i love. #my marmee is soft and good to cuddle and her voice can make any song sound good and her hair is dyed but she goes between autumn red #and plum purple #and my brother is soft too but solid and he can make himself small but hes best loud and talking abt whatever interests him. #he sees such beauty in the world that i can only hope to see too. and his voice is low and soft in his chest #and it makes his giggles rumble through his whole body #and because i cannot remember specific conversations or jokes or stories all i have are those details but thats what usually fades first #oh gods the tags were even worse than the og post in venty-ness #sorry i think i needed to get that out. probably wont delete bc im lazy #and besides id like some record of my thoughts when i forget my own narrative(?) not sure what word i mean there #my posts