#its like 2 am im tired

[enchanted-arms]

On loneliness | throwing thoughts at a wall

Elliot described me the other day that I gave up my right as a human in favor of being a passive observer. At first, after switching back in, I was a bit shocked, maybe angry. I know he meant it well, but that was really the first time I had seen myself be described like that. I made a point throughout my life to be active, to be present; so, how could he describe me as an observer, a passive one at that?

After doing some introspection, I decided he was right. Sure, I pushed myself to accomplish things, but all of it was trivial and detached from society. I can say I'm the guy who can forage and is wilderness first aid certified but that doesn't give me some cool cosmetic badge that says "Hey! Check this guy out!". Honestly, my whole life has been quite the opposite, frustratingly at odds with itself. On one hand, I wanted to exist as brightly as I could, but on the other I never actually wanted to talk to people. At the core of it- I wanted to be a concept, something regarded from a distance with admiration. In essence, I was lonely.

And loneliness to me isn't even an inherently horrible feeling. It's knowing that you fundamentally cannot connect to people. Do you remember the first time driving past a house at night with people in it? Everything else is dark, but the window would be illuminated with people. I think that's people's first realization that the world acts independently from you. Knowing that you exist outside of their [space]. I was faced with that at college again. All these dorms were hundreds of people, all within a degree of separation from me. No matter what I did, I could not be a part of their world. That degree of separation? The inability to truly connect? To understand? That's loneliness. It felt like I was moving in my own time.

It's funny that the guy with a head full of people is lonely. I recognize the irony in it. It seems that this pursuit of people isn't entirely new either, for those who've read my previous ramblings. Every life seemed to be marked by the same singular Want. Howell is probably my more notable example with how I've prattled on about his Peterpan syndrome and the search of bonds through hook-ups. Yet! There it was again, that passive observation. Time and time again, nothing was good enough so it wasn't worth pursuing. Eventually you get it into your head that you're meant to stand back and watch. So I did at my own detriment. I was active in the war, but ultimately distant from those who needed me most.

I recognize now, through each life including this one, that's where I failed. I can calmly and analytically tell you everything about myself. All my flaws, my trauma theories, memories, etc... but that's not real vulnerability. No matter how much I tell you about myself, it's a rehearsed script devoid of my feelings. I failed previously because I held myself in an objective void. A script works because its the facts, but it fails to capture the essence of the person because its not the truth. Yes, my "other"-ness has been fueled by mh problems and my own non-humanity, but I see now that I did it to myself. "Love", connections, they're supposed to be messy, I'm supposed to throw myself at it and moving forward I can't worry about getting hurt. Being genuine is really the only way to breach the [space] between people.

#its like 2 am im tired

[dangoulains-devotion]

#FF7 #FF7R #FF7 Rebirth #Final Fantasy VII #Final Fantasy VII Rebirth #aerith gainsborough #barret wallace #my favourite synergy ability... solely for the animation its so cute and cool #sorry papa wallace for i am 1) not good at drawing facial hair and 2) was not mentally strong enough to draw your gun #one day i will but today was not that day #i worked on this for 9 hours straight it got to a point i zoomed out and was like why doesnt this look right #and it was bc i forgot his tattoo....... he's naked iwthout that #also i've never tried to do comic-y explosions and text before so i kind of just looked at clip art for reference and then yolo'd it #i hope it doesnt look terrible i've decided i no longer care to fret over it #i need you to understand that if you were to zoom out the camera on this photo #barret is proper crouched down and aerith is standing on a pile of books #so that they could attain a pose where she is leaning on his shoulder #I FORGOT MY OWN ART TAG bro im so tired #my art #<- i am moonlight elegy on twt

[obsob]

big man...why is he so big...(hes full of love)

#mine #original #oug im tired!!! sleepy!! #what hve i done this week... i processes like 30 orders bc i had such a backlog OGUG. did 2 drawings for my portfolio. did this drawing #also did sm good planning! and sketching! #i was gna colour my portfolio drawings but im. pretty worn out so now maybe i will not #my lower back has been rlly sore also so . im gna try n avoid sitting at my desk heeh #its like half 12 whilst im queueing this....gna hve sm lunch soon. adn then read maybe. i finished my book this morn it was ver good #foxen bloom by. someone. cannae remember !!! very good nice an short #its a nice day..might go 4 walk #ive started on the sleeves for my jumper uehue !!!! am def gna run out of wool so annoying....will b short like. half a ball. #im gettin close 2 finishing my blanket....kinda...i ordered too much wool for that kjbsdkjbs #yes yes reading. i should do yoga maybe. world of pain #okay goodbye

[ratdesk]

this trip i've ridden in cars more than i ever have b4 in hungary and i just now realized. holy fuck the steering wheel is on the left. when did that happen.

#txt #im so tired i am. constantly processing hungarian words and I DONT KNOW TOO MUCH #high intensity magyar class except its 2 weeks long and my brain feels like gum

[angelboybreakdowns]

dean, adam, and self-sacrifice

man you’re wrong - demob happy // gun. - mcr // spn script // unknown // spn // mary - the death riders // too many times - the growlers // little brother - john dickson

#first ever attempt at a webweave i think it came out ok. idk #its 2:30 am but the whole chromebook thing stressed me out i gotta create if im gonna sleep #might revisit that like transness & divinity & blinding poem i’ve been picking away at #fuckkkkkkkk im gonna be so tired in school tomorrow #rambling #spn #web weaving

[upsidedowngrass]

HELLO here is............ reference art for my liam design/interpretation!!!!!! a lot of these r ideas ive already had and/or included in my liam art already BUT !!! now its all in ONE PLACE!!!! :)

#hfjone #liam plecak #hfjone liam #hfjone backpack #my art #i feel like there was more i couldve added but i sifted thru my liam ref art and couldnt find any #but!!!! im very happy w how i draw him so this was fun to put all in smth :) #esp bc i was able to explain my thought processes on him a bit more!!!! bc i put. SO much thought into how i draw him #its why my design for him changed like every week for a few months a good while back. was adding n adjusting stuff SM #this is not even counting the bone diagrams i made. i am not including the bone diagrams #(theyre just for limbs but ive spent a long time on this already and im TIRED its been over 5 hrs and it is now 2 am) #BUT!! this will be queued for a good time !!!so i may not be awake when this is posted lol!!! #(also i am VERY much willing to discuss my designs if thats smth anyone wants to ask abt.... i have so many ideas) #additional fun fact that i specifically dont draw his shoulder ANY higher than his pocket bc thats as high as it goes on my design #ANYWAY im tired so im gonna queue this now

[twishouse]

its been 5 million years ... sorry lol

🐞🍀

tablet: iPad gen 8 program: procreate dimensions: 1620px x 2160px; 132 DPI 8hr37min

#this took me like 4 days lol #i don't even like marinette #miraculous ladybug #marinette dupain cheng #tales of ladybug and cat noir #ladybug #twis art #im so tired... its 2:14 am at time of posting #good night

[sodacanbones]

king of assassins

#1. this was originally supposed to be a redraw of that one panel but i got tired of drawing this man so no rimbaud. 2. why is his hair like #that why r the weird hairstyles genetic. 3. i am not happy with this but its whatever #this is a complete mood change from my previous art sorry fellas #bsd #bsd verlaine #bsd paul verlaine #bsd fanart #bungo stray dogs #bungou stray dogs #art #fanart #digital art #sodacanbonesart #im not planning on drawing this man again anytime soon. #if you read all of these tags good job. png name is WHYAREYOUFRENCH.png

[gloucester-carousel]

even more rain world ocs! i have a problem.

#rain world #rain world oc #slugcat oc #ough im so tired its like 2 am. gonna queue this for a normal time though #aaanyways behold! my take on vultures #i made them worse.

[vriskaserketdaily]

Could you do a bluey au Vriska (like, as a dog? Promise it’s not for any weird reasons). Or what do you think Vriska would wear if she was invited to the met gala?

i have no interest in drawing vriska as a rectangular dog thing sorry 😭 met gala fit would depend heavily on the theme of course so i took this as an excuse 2 draw her in a fit she would never ordinarily wear based loosely on the americana theme from a few years back

earth C met gala vaguely godtier theme and of course she could wear whatever she wanted bc shes Literally A God but . . . it is still in her godtier colors. she would get dunked on but not as hard as dirk (shows up in a plain suit not even in his godtier colors)

#vriska serket #mod 8 #daily vriska serket #vriska #daily vriska #homestuck #vriska homestuck #homestuck vriska #my answer to any 'vrika dressed as/looking like [other character]' request is usually no unless the request comes w justification #bc i am tired of drawing her dressed up as randos from media i have never heard of or dont agree with. x character is not 'a vriksa' 98% of #the time & me taking time out of my day 2 draw her as them does not make it so. for all crossovers at least explain urself please #im not drawing amogert vika again and im not drawing rtectangle dogs its just too easy. feels bad #:/

[that-gay-guy-from-hell]

Oh hey look-! It's the Blue Man Group!

#Im too tired to come up with a funnier joke rn lmfao #So... Im alive! #Been busy and just... emotions #(like I was on the verge of tears today because i dropped a pen... lol) #But here's some art WIP for y’all #Heard some snippets of Rust’s album and I am so hyped #Like i am gonna go donate plasma so i have the extra cash to buy it asap when it's released #but anyways #I spent nearly 4 hours between 2 days just staring at human skeletons; spines are hard to draw #and YALL CANT EVEN SEE MOST OF IT- #Bonus points for those of you who know what 2 Necronomocons Doc’s book is a combo of #I missed drawing this handsome blue bastard (lovingly) #*pats him on the top of his head* #I love him so so much #/pos..? I guess lol #the living tombstone #tlt #tombsona #Doc #Doc tlt #tlt Doc #the living tombstone Doc #Doc the living tombstone #digital art #digitalart #WIP #art wip #fan art #(color wheel meme WIP btw-- yes i know i started this MONTHS ago *places a finger on your mouth* shhh its our secret) #also the quality drop is abhorrent wtf lmao

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

cough hack wheeze who wants a teeny tiny fantasy au snippet with uhhhh laughingstock Tension. it's like... half a scene! unedited & out of context As Is Tradition

~

“Nothin’ much. I think I’ll poke around nearby towns, shake down some travelers - see what falls into my paws.”

“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea, Barn,” Howdy says. He sweeps aggressively, spreading dirt more than gathering it into the usual neat piles. “Who knows if those ne'er-do-wells are still roaming around the woods - if you and Ed couldn’t take them, what makes you think you could alone? Or- or! What if you stumble across those cultists? I hate to think of you stuck in an ambush with no help coming, knowing fully well that-”

A large paw slips the broom out of his grip and sets it to the side, and Howdy stammers to a stop as Barnaby crowds him against the bar with a soft, “Howdy.”

Howdy swallows hard, bracketed on each side by strong blue arms. The look Barnaby fixes him with dries up his well of words and bristles his fuzz. Howdy’s heart hammers against his ribs. He can feel Barnaby’s body heat, and it’s lighting his blood on fire. 

“I’m not gonna be reckless, if that’s what you’re worried about,” Barnaby says. He barely needs to speak louder than a whisper for Howdy to hear him loud and clear. He smells like sweet smoke. “The other day was a one time deal, cross my heart. But, if it’ll make you feel better, I’ll take someone with me. I’m sure Jules is itchin’ to get outta town.”

“What would really make me feel better is if you stay,” Howdy blurts, just barely reining in the with me. He tenses, knowing that he’s toeing a dangerous line. One wrong word, and he’ll make the unspoken spoken - but the stress drains out of him as Barn’s eyes go soft. Perhaps that wouldn’t be so bad. Of course there’s no reason to worry, not about this, not with him. There never has been.

“You know I can’t do that,” Barnaby murmurs. “Not yet.”

Howdy doesn’t need to say that he knows. Not for the first time and with any luck, not for the last, it clicks in his mind that they’re on the same page - he doesn’t need to be a telepath to understand the thoughts behind Barnaby’s dark eyes. 

Barnaby says it anyway. “I gotta get him back. I can’t… there’s no room for anythin’ else right now.”

Howdy sighs through his nose and slumps against the counter digging into the small of his back. He nods and adjusts the lapels of Barnaby’s vest. His fingers ghost over soft blue, and Barnaby doesn’t flinch at the contact. If anything, he leans the barest millimeter into it. His gaze burns into Howdy’s, even if they aren’t meeting at the moment, but it isn’t a bad feeling. Quite the opposite, actually.

“Well,” Howdy says in a low voice, “if you find a good lead, send for the rest of us. I’ll be there as fast as my four legs can scamper.”

Barnaby smirks. “Even if you need to take a boat?”

“Even so, Barn.”

The smirk slides into something that isn’t a frown, but isn’t a smile. It’s too soft for a grimace, but too intense for simple recognition. Barnaby seems to sway forward, and Howdy is sorely tempted to meet him halfway.  

But Barnaby’s claw taps the counter, and he pulls away before anyone’s mind can be made up. Howdy’s hands slip from his lapels, brushing against fur as they fall and knuckles skimming over the smooth, fresh scar cutting across Barnaby’s belly. 

“I’ll be back before you know it,” Barnaby says, his eyes crinkling at the corners. He squeezes Howdy’s shoulder and then his back is turned, and he’s leaving. All Howdy can do is watch. 

And call out after him, “Your table will be open and waiting for you.”

Barnaby pauses in the doorway and looks over his shoulder at Howdy, and his grin is so full of affection that Howdy may just burst. 

“With a free pint?” he asks.

“Hey now, don’t push your luck pal.”

Barnaby bursts out laughing, and Howdy can hear it even after the door thuds closed.

#clawing and sobbing and- no. no #im normal. im so normal i swear #yk on a related tangent. i keep wanting to go to my sleep but spotify keeps playing bangers #all of my Lore songs... the animatics in my head... i dont want to not listen! #so i thought hey. might as well offer Yet Another Snippet! #i have many these days! #i almost posted the human au carnival snippet but uhhhh this one won out. i wrote it like. two hours ago #im sorry if it lacks some Personality or if theres blatant Mistakes #im tired! i meant to be asleep two hours ago! its 2 am! #snippets from the bog #laughingstock #wh fantasy au #its not shown in this tidbit #but barnaby has his pack and it contains Not Only Wormie! but also Puppet Wally! #barnaby: i gotta find wally 🥺 #honey... you have had him the whole time... kiss your caterpillar.... #the. the tall one. not the teeny worm. #well. the teeny worm too but she just gets a little kisth on her tiny face. #the tall caterpillar would get uhhhh a lil more than that id expect. lotsa sugar yk yk #im. gonna go sleep #these two will be my nightly bedtime story as i drift away... #and hopefully ill wake up early enough to find the christmas lights before The Stream #and maybe crochet a few more rows.... read a couple more chapters... #i just misspelled read as red i need to be Unconchus

[whoviandoodler]

No offense to anyone in particular, but allo people will literally be like ‘romantic love is the most beautiful thing in the world!!!! It’s the peak of being human and the human experience!!! Aro people are a tragedy and should be pitied!!!’ and then will be thoroughly heartbroken and traumatized and have several issues from numerous unhealthy/toxic/uncommunicative relationships they got into because they believed romantic relationships will fix them and/or fill in the hole amatonormative media has left in their chest when it told them they’re not whole until they have ‘another half’, and will keep chasing the possibility of finding The One at the detriment of their mental wellbeing and possibility to discover who they are when they aren’t chasing that high. like... thanks, babe, but I don’t want that.

#hot 2 am take #aro stuff #aro #aromantic #relationships #i obv dont mean all allos #i dont usually make aro related posts #bcs i dont wanna interact w allos on this topic #it can be tiring #but sometimes i just get random like lmao srsly moments #where im like #wow stuff is so stupid huh #so many allos will be like uwu poor aros they cant experience what i do #and li #i dont want to hun??? #theyll gen think all of us have this longing to have what they have #and are somehow damaged and sad bcs we dont #and some do obv but like #i lit could not care less to lead your life tbh #and those allos will tell u its like. part of the process!!! to find the one!!! #like they cant even hear themselves #sometimes i just wonder which one of us is the sad one here #yeah also disclaimer allo ppl pls dont try to convince me of something yall have tried to convince me since i could comprehend reality #ive had a lot of time to think abt this and im where i am #if u wanna add something constructive feel free #dan talks

[nachosforfree]

harry harlow

#i could spend like 2 hours talking about all the meaning of ths but its 6 am and im tired. also its fairly easy to Get It i think #art #digital #digital art #can you tell ive been watching so much a.ven.ture t.im.e lately #half heart

[spider-man-2o99]

ok i’m still On Break do not take this post as a sign that i’m like. Actively Tumblring again yet because i’m still not, 4 the most part, but i have had my ear to the ground for special interest things, of fuckign course, of course, bcuz i’m me, and i. just. i am .i’m so fucking sorry to all the new SM2099 comic fans who are only just now realizing just now how dire the straits are, here, LMAO. it has been this way for Years. earnestly and from the bottom of my heart i love spider-man 2099 so much and also nobody on the goddamn planet Cares About Him At All or can even fucking write him half-decently unless every single celestial bodie in the fucking milky way galaxy comes into perfect fucking syzygy, i think, i think, i think. why did u think we (me) had a psychotic episode after that fuckin movie dropped. fucksake. lord above. because it’s all always “ohhh being yourSELF and telling your OWN story your OWN way” until you Look A Certain Way and ARE A Certain Way and Have Symptoms That Look Frightening and Don’t Move Around Like ‘Normal’ People Should Move, fuckin’ freaky-ass creature beast-thing, and so on and so on and so on, Christ all-fuckin’-mighty. gets tiring. but. anywaygs.

it is far easier to be destructive, than constructive. so. ahem. sorry. refocusing. it seems quite simply that just yet another goddamn story missed the point that 90s future spider-man is a story about very plainly and simply loving each other as people. it’s a story about a severely depressed, miserable, cynical little man who finds new reasons to live in every kind person he meets, and there is an open earnesty to that, if nothing else, that no movie can take away 30 years later. anybody can decide to try and be a better person than the one they were yesterday, and that is goddamn important. to portray anything otherwise was an unfathomably cruel decision, on sony’s part, and as soon as we got trailer evidence that they were leaning into his more “intimidating” features back in ~dec. 2021, i.. pretty much Knew it was what they were gonna be doing with him. why wouldn’t they? i mean. who actually even cares about this obscure nobody, right? c-listers are the tried-and-true adaptational chameleons, anyways; they sure suckered in dumbasses like me, who still took blind hope in hook line and sinker, thinking he’d be important to the film, or at the very least portrayed sympathetically to his 30 years of established comic history as a character who is consciously aware that he is an adult survivor of fucking child abuse. but. c’est la fucking vie, i guess.

#talking tag #atsv #spider-man 2099 #i predicted All Of This and i am SO TIRED OF BEING RIGHT THAT I WANT TO THROW MYSELF IN2 THE SUN ABT IT :)))) #i WANTED to be wrong. /CHRIST/ i wanted to be wrong so goddamn bad #articulation isnt at its peak rn. how do i even- /bridge/ the breadth of this gap. wwoof man like. just. #i just. did yall think i started writing the dissection fic with extreme violation + dehumanization themes Just Outta Nowhere?? y/k??? #y’KNOW. haha. i am Intimately Aware firsthand with how years of it without reprieve shapes a brain over time. and. writing helps. #hhahaha. lord. id just go back 2 how i was Raised if i wanted 2 Constantly Hear so many ppl talkin abt how much they want evry Like-Me dead #(not-- not. not Like That. not in the nasty-ass too-online Way or whatever disgusting Assumptions that could Imply. im just a basket case.) #chroist. #not even . not even getting into the whole ‘also comic sm2099 is canonically staunchly anti-cop yet movieboy is weirdly fashy’ Thing. #i already Have a migraine im NOT getting into that right now #(holding back tears) wwelp looks like these next Seven Years Of Terrible Public Perception r gonna b long and suck so bad :)) #ok goodbye again now im going back to frolicking morosely in the Fields . be safe drink some water be kind to urself and others. mwah.

[ffangedd]

Errrm making a prehistoric AU for cotl !! i've never made an AU before uhhhhhmmm :))?? is this how it works?

lamb, and the rat bros are all mammals! I tried to make their outfits match the theme too (scales, staffs, what have you)

here's big bird!!! there are many more dinosaurs, pterosaurs, ect. to come!!!

anyways I have almost all the species for characters listed and I did not make many changes from the original game lore. it is pretty much just changing the fauna and the flora of the world.

The one thing I did change though was about the sacrificed species. Instead of just lamb's species it's all of Mammalia. They kinda feel like the little guys of the dinosaur world so I went with them. Honestly lamb, ratau and ratoo are probably the only mammals they will ever see, and poor lamb will most likely never meet another morganucodon. Plenty of mammal species have died out already, i'd say.

#cotl prehistoric #cotl au #cult of the lamb #cotl lamb #cotl ratau #cotl ratoo #cotl narinder #ahh i am nervous to post this haha sorry ahhhh *anxiety* #also I'll probably be drawing them both feral and anthro like I do for regular fanart too #oh and please dont kill me if i made spelling errors or something?? its like 2:30 AM im tired and silly