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issasideblog · 6 years

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Introduction!

Well, um hello lolol~

How’s it hanging?

This is my first post on this blog, I’m not even sure if I’m going to post anything, but I guess it’s a good place to post my feelings and other things.

I have no idea how to start this, so I guess I’ll just link this post on my other blog, it’ll give a shorter explanation of what’s happening right now heh.

Okay, so hopefully you’ve read that if anyone does read this, or if future me reads this then hello, hope you’re Gucci now~!

Like I said in that post, I’ve been feeling quite down recently.

I’ve always been like this, but recently it’s gotten worse and I’m not entirely sure why, the only reason I can think is that I’m changing medication.

But it doesn’t really explain why I’m constantly sad, or empty/numb

Don’t get me wrong, I do feel happy sometimes, but not a lot.

I don’t have many friends, but I don’t mind to be honest.

I’ve always struggled with friends, this is apparently because I have Autism (there’s that too lolol~), so I’ve never really had friends for a long time.

But, I have one close friend (my best friend) the others are just people I hang out with at school, since I don’t really leave my house.

I don’t really like the others too much, I know that sounds mean. But I’ve always struggled with attachment.

I don’t get attached easily, especially after I found out that they were talking about me behind my back.

Every single friendship I’ve ever had has ended like that, so I kind of don’t trust many people.

I said above that I rarely leave my house, this is for many reasons I guess.

1. I’m scared of people.

That sounds kind of weird in a way if you don’t understand.

I hate meeting new people, and being around other people makes me incredibly nervous, but I don’t really show it.

I can’t make eye contact with people (another thing to do with my autism heh)

2. It triggers my OCD

This also sounds kind of weird, but I’ll explain.

I have really bad OCD (Which could also be part of my autism apparently) but I hate being touched, and as soon as someone touches me I feel contaminated and have to wash.

I can’t sit in any place, beside my bed without feeling dirty and having to wash.

Nobody can sit on my bed, or I have to change my bedding.

If I don’t shower I feel disgusting but sometimes I have no motivation to shower which makes me feel even worse.

3. I’m paranoid

I constantly feel like I’m being watched, no matter what I’m doing. I could just be sat in my room (like I am right now) and feel like I’m being watched. It stops me doing certain things (like exercising) and I have to change really fast.

Being outside triggers this even more, I feel like everyone is watching me and judging me, or that I’m being followed.

To be honest, I just prefer being inside. I feel safer I suppose, but not entirely safe.

My school life is even worse.

My grades are terrible, so is my attendance.

I struggle to get out of bed on a morning, because I’m exhausted, I have no motivation and I honestly don’t see the point, I feel like I’m not going to live long enough anyway.

That sounds like I’m going to kill myself, but I wouldn’t because it would hurt people I care about, I guess.

I find it hard to believe people care about me, but I don’t want to risk them being hurt.

But, I’m very clumsy and kind of self-destructive. I don’t really look after myself, and often miss meals and don’t eat or drink for ages.

Recently, I’ve started sleeping in school.

I’ll just be listening to the teacher talk and lose focus and just fall asleep.

I fell asleep in my exams, which I failed.

That made me sad, but no one knew heh, people that knew got mad/judged me heh.

I literally have no energy, so I try sleep whenever I can.

Min Yoongi who?

I have no motivation to try in school, even though I want to.

I haven’t done homework in three years, nor have I tried hard.

I don’t have good relationships with teachers because of this. They hate me heh.

I sometimes skip lessons, which makes them hate me even more.

My maths teacher now despises me because me and my friend didn’t go to her lesson and gave us a detention (which I couldn’t go to because I wasn’t at school because I was too depressed heh, but my friend did so she doesn’t hate her). But another girl skipped the lesson and didn’t get into trouble which I found rude.

Now my maths teacher treats me like crap and will pick on me any chance she gets which makes me feel like crap and stops me going to her lesson.

I’ve nearly been expelled three times, which was a rollercoaster lmao.

But the latest was last year:

Like I said in my other post, I have Bipolar disorder, which gives me severe mood swings.

During this incident, I was in a manic state, I literally couldn’t control myself it’s kind of like being drunk in a way?

Anyway, me and this teacher were messing around in maths and he said something that I can’t remember and my manic self (please remember I had no control over this, I couldn’t control myself) said

‘Screw you too’

I don’t even know what happened, but he got pissed and yelled at me.

Then sent me out.

A while later, my best friend brought my bag out and I got sent to the deputy head (I think that’s who he is I honestly have no idea lmao).

I later found out she brought my bag out because my actual maths teacher (not the one that sent me out) said if she brought me it, I’d accuse her of doing something to it.

Probably not wrong tbh

Yeah, so I got sent to the maybe deputy head, I don’t know guy for the rest of the lesson (it was my last period, so I could go home straight after). He made me, my best friend and our ex best friend stay behind, except my ex best friend ran off.

We both had to give a statement of what happened????

(This is kind of turning into me talking shit about my school whoops)

But then yeah, my best friend said she didn’t want to do it in case they lied against us, but she was forced to.

THEY DID LIE AGAINST US IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

Around this time, I was being forced to stay behind because I was missing school.

Apparently, it was to ‘catch up’ but I didn’t do anything besides sit there???

So, it was basically a detention, even though my reason for missing school was my mental illness.

Anyway, I was forced to write an apology letter to both teachers, even though I didn’t do anything to one of them?

The whole screw you was literally a joke??? I thought we were messing around which we were.

Anyway yeah, they refused to let me leave until I did it.

(I couldn’t get out without them letting me)

I can’t remember what I wrote but my head teacher had to help me because I refused to write it, because in my mind (and many others) I didn’t do anything wrong, I couldn’t help my actions and they knew it.

But yeah, I was forced to do this, and went home crying.

My parents were pissed.

I’m pretty sure they called the school and told them to retract the apology or something. I don’t wanna ask now lmfao.

So, them both the maths teacher and the other one that I said it to (he’s now my physics teacher and is nice to me??? but it’s gucci) hated me and so I stopped showing up to that lesson, and form (she was my form tutor)

EVERY MATHS TEACHER I’VE HAD IN SECONDARY HAS HATED ME WTH WHY AM I SO UNLIKABLE???

Anyway, my school didn’t believe me when my parents told them I had bipolar disorder.

The school phoned my doctor without us knowing, and asked if I actually had it.

My doctor phoned my parents because it’s confidential and they needed permission, which we gave.

But yeah there’s that too.

I have so many bad incidents in school what even

Because of my disorder and other shizzle, I have a lot of appointments, I miss a lot of school.

At one point my teacher (the physics/screw you guy. Why is he always in this? He’s nice now but still) told me I should cancel them.

I can be really suicidal and put myself and others in danger do you really want that, buddy?

But now, they’re demanding all letters of my appointments, but it’s confidential????

Like uh no go away, my mental illness don’t get your own they suck.

My PE teacher (I am so tempted to give her name because I really don’t like her but I’m not actual that mean, she also might see this and sue me lolol) is one of the worse for dealing with my illness tbh, despite the fact her brother killed himself.

This next part is probably gonna sound really attention seeky but meh, I’m just going to be honest here, because honesty is the best policy.

She treats everyone else really nice (except a recent incident with my best friend) but it comes to me and she’s horrible.

She ignores it, and/or blames it on me (this is another thing entirely ugh).

One time I was really depressed in physics (ITS THE SCREW YOU TEACHER AGAIN FGS LMAO) and he was like ‘I’ll email pe teacher and tell her’ but instead of telling her I was sad, he said I refused to work????

I was sat in the changing rooms, basically crying and she comes in and yells at me for not doing pe.

(side note: I don’t do PE because of my paranoia, insecurity and OCD heh)

I haven’t done pe in three years wth you know this???

Then she goes

“Do you want to talk about it? Never mind you never do.” and walks out.

I don’t like talking to others about my feelings, because in my mind they don’t care and I’m just a bother to them.

In year seven, I was forced to go to the school councillor.

She brought another girl (who for the record, is horrible and I really don’t like her).

She then started talking about my bipolar and saying stuff meaning the horrible girl knew all aboout my private stuff.

The councillor then went on to say my disorder is my own fault????

Apparently, I was just hanging around with the wrong people and not having enough confidence??

No, I have a mental illness, I can’t prevent it.

Trigger warning: self-harm

A few years ago, I used to cut myself (I don’t anymore) and my teacher was trying to force me to take my jumper off, and at some point, I got in trouble for cutting myself h e c c.

A few weeks ago, I told my teacher about how I was struggling with body issues and starving myself. She asked me how I was once but did nothing else.

If it wasn’t for my friend and parents realising I could have starved myself to death, and she would have watched it happen.

I even wrote a song about it recently and it was obvious it was about me, but my teacher read it (it was for an assessment) and said nothing.

Alas I cannot think of any more incidents at school, there are literally too many.

Ever since an early age, I’ve struggled with sleep.

I can go days without sleeping or sleep all day.

This sometimes actually depends on my bipolar.

If I’m manic, I can stay up for days, if I’m depressed I can and most likely will, sleep for days.

I also have something called delayed sleep phase syndrome (Jesus I have a lot of problems)

So, my sleeping schedule is messy.

It’s literally 7:30am and I haven’t slept even though I’m exhausted.

My whole life I’ve had low self-esteem.

I hate everything about myself.

This could be because I’ve been bullied my whole life.

One of my biggest issues is with my weight (You can probably tell where this is going so trigger warning)

I’ve always gone through phases of not eating for days, or rarely eating but recently has been the worse it’s ever been.

I was barely eating, I’d go days without eating, sometimes I would force myself to throw up.

I was constantly over exercising and sometimes I would lose all energy and I’d just collapse to the floor and couldn’t get up, but I’d still push myself.

I lost all my energy, which led to me sleeping at school, as you read above.

I even nearly fell asleep while walking home once.

I told my teacher this too once, not the whole thing, just that I was insecure and wasn’t really eating (like you read above) and she didn’t do anything.

Like I said, I have low self-esteem so I rarely like myself.

I constantly think my friends hate me, this is also because almost everyone prefers my best friend to me and leave me for her.

I think I’m unlikable, and honestly, I’m sure it’s true, no matter what others say.

No matter how many compliments and things I get, I never believe it, they just make me think I’m being pranked and people are laughing at my reactions.

I also get intrusive thoughts sometimes.

I’ll just be doing something and thoughts about me being worthless and other things like that will bombard my mind, or I will get thoughts about killing myself or killing others and I can’t stop it.

It’s just something that happens to me now, to the point it rarely bothers me.

I sometimes, not often, hear things and hallucinate.

This is rare though but has been happening more and more often recently.

They’re usually voices telling me my friends don’t like me, I’m worthless, stupid, they insult me and things like that. They also just repeat things I’ve heard during the day really loudly.

I’ve never really told anyone this.

I sometimes see flashes of faces and people in my sight, I’m not sure if that’s hallucinations but yeah.

Above I said that I’ve always had bad friends, besides now.

One of my worst was being bullied constantly, I don’t even know why I tried being their friends, I was very naive.

One of them still hates me rip.

He’s dangerous now so you know, kind of paranoid.

Another friendship was when one girl’s mother was a drug dealer and they all tried pressuring me into doing drugs and smoking with them.

I never did, I just came up with a lie it wasn’t hard to be honest.

They probably knew but who cares?

Earlier on I said I have paranoia (if it can be called that).

But yeah, I feel like I’m being watched all the time, no matter what I’m doing.

I’m not sure who, but I just feel like someone out there is watching me either through my window (so I always have my curtains closed), through my camera (so I always have them covered) or through a hidden camera in my room which I can’t do anything about.

I once hid under my covers because it got too much, but the feeling was still there.

I’m suddenly exhausted.

My mind has gone blank, but I’ll try post more I guess, if I remember, or have something to write about.

Thank you for reading!

I hope you have a good day/night! ^-^ <3

I’ve probably made loads of mistakes here because I suck hEH SORRY

#I need a nap #Mental health #mental illness #bipolar #bipolar disorder #anxitey #depression #paranoia #hallucination #hallucinatory #auditory halluctionation #insomnia

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nolongeractive---sorry-blog · 7 years

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i’ve avoided talking about this my entire life, but like, i’m an adult now and this is my blog and i want to open up about my trauma for the very first time, okay? so um,

when i was a child, i was brainwashed and recruited into a cult. they call themselves all kinds of shit– apostolics, pentecostals, church of god– but they’re not christians no matter how much they want to believe they are! it’s a fucking cult, and like i said, i’ve never talked about this before so i’m going to use some “characteristics of cults” to help me explain my experiences within the cult

The group displays excessively zealous and unquestioning commitment to its leader and (whether he is alive or dead) regards his belief system, ideology, and practices as the Truth, as law.

while they don’t have one leader, each church’s pastoral line (yes, it’s usually biologically inherited) is viewed as the Truth, law, their word is 100% correct and they have no flaws (at least not flaws that can’t be corrected by Jesus)! the pastor is a healer and can make a paraplegic rise from their wheelchair and dance! the pastor can wish financial well-being on you and you’ll magically come into large amounts of money! the pastor can put his hand on your head and your headache will disappear instantly!

Questioning, doubt, and dissent are discouraged or even punished.

you are not to speak of doubt/questioning/dissent. all other religions and beliefs are wrong. only the beliefs of the church will save you. any doubts were very, very, very unspoken of and i would’ve been terrified to speak out against them.

Mind-altering practices (such as meditation, chanting, speaking in tongues, denunciation sessions, and debilitating work routines) are used in excess and serve to suppress doubts about the group and its leader(s).

they “speak in tongues”– meaning everyone has to pray by blabbering nonsense, and sometimes we would all stand in a circle and people would take turns blabbering nonsense, and they called it “Jesus speaking directly through [those people]”. speaking in tongues happened at every service. sometimes people would say “that person’s tongues are in [language] even though they can’t speak that language!” “that person’s tongues sound like they must be an ancient version of [language]!” they taught that tongues was the holy spirit speaking through us and they were an actual language somewhere in the world. i can literally guarantee you it was entirely gibberish!!!

The leadership dictates, sometimes in great detail, how members should think, act, and feel (for example, members must get permission to date, change jobs, marry, or leaders prescribe what types of clothes to wear, where to live, whether or not to have children, how to discipline children, and so forth).

we were not allowed to date outside of church. women could not cut their hair or wear pants, and men were encouraged to dress like they were going to church even if they weren’t. homosexuality was the ultimate abomination. you couldn’t have certain jobs. you couldn’t do drugs or drink alcohol, and those things were extremely wrong and made you a horrible person. you needed permission from your family (and sometimes the church) to date and marry.

The group is elitist, claiming a special, exalted status for itself, its leader(s) and members (for example, the leader is considered the Messiah, a special being, an avatar, or the group and/or the leader is on a special mission to save humanity).

they believe they’re the only people who are going to be saved and hold themselves up above other christians and other religions. people outside of the church aren’t truly happy and don’t truly love one another. i actually remember being taught that relationships outside of the church were doomed to fail because they couldn’t truly love one another if they weren’t pentecostal. it’s the church’s purpose to “save” as many people as possible because the rapture (end of the world, where all pentecostals are saved and all non-pentecostals are doomed to destroy one another and burn in hell for all eternity) is coming soon!! soon!! very soon!! perhaps obama is the antichrist!!

The group has a polarized us-versus-them mentality, which may cause conflict with the wider society.

again, we couldn’t date outside of the church. we were taught that we were the holiest of people. there were good people, and there were bad people, and we were the good people. everyone else was bad, evil, corrupt, sinning! our church was perfect and happy and nothing bad ever happened within it. everything outside was tainted and evil and scary. we were actually taught that people who believe in evolution were inherently racist because it meant they believed that nonwhite (more specifically, black) people were closer to apes than white people! yeah, seriously! we were taught that shit! we were also taught that Harry Potter was of the devil and rock music and shit was about satan lmao

The leadership induces feelings of shame and/or guilt in order to influence and/or control members. Often, this is done through peer pressure and subtle forms of persuasion.

the church would spread rumors about you if they didn’t think you were being “pure” enough. this happened to me and became the final straw in my leaving the church, actually. i wasn’t tithing (donating 10% of your income to the church, which was thoroughly documented btw) because 1. i was a fucking child and 2. i was dirt poor!! and they started spreading it around that i was cutting my hair and wearing jeans outside of church, which i wasn’t. they were constantly pitting members against members who weren’t “doing well enough” to serve the church

Subservience to the leader or group requires members to cut ties with family and friends, and radically alter the personal goals and activities they had before joining the group.

if you’re truly part of the church, you can’t be in contact with friends and family who aren’t, because they’re corrupt and will try to corrupt you. people were constantly pressured to stop talking to their family and friends who weren’t pentecostal. you had to minister to people and/or go on a “mission” (you go to poor countries and brainwash desperate people into believing in God). you were supposed to go to bible camp, retreats, etc. and you were supposed to attend church at least three times a week (mine usually met four times per week, and that’s excluding times we would visit sister churches in other cities)

The group is preoccupied with bringing in new members.

again, they center around brainwashing children, the poor, the weak, the vulnerable in any way, shape, or form

The group is preoccupied with making money.

they excommunicated A FUCKING CHILD for not donating 10% of my income lmao??? literally you had to donate birthday money, christmas money, your paycheck, mortgage/loans, whatever, any kind of income you had, 10% had to go to the church. and btw the church looked like shit but the pastoral family had 10 acres of land and nice, brand new, expensive shit, none of them had jobs outside of the church. i wonder where all the tithes went??? :-)

Members are expected to devote inordinate amounts of time to the group and group-related activities.

i touched on this one a bit ago but yeah basically all of your extracurricular activities were within the church and they discouraged you from participating in extracurricular activities at school or elsewhere

Members are encouraged or required to live and/or socialize only with other group members.

touched on this already

The most loyal members feel there can be no life outside the context of the group. They believe there is no other way to be, and often fear reprisals to themselves or others if they leave (or even consider leaving) the group.

this is extremely true and leaving them was, and still is, soooo fucking hard!!! they literally had me convinced that nobody outside of the church could be kindhearted. nobody outside of the church had the capacity to love. nobody outside of the church was trustworthy. nobody outside of the church wasn’t evil, and all of their thoughts/actions/etc. were tainted by the devil. you would never love or be loved. you would never find happiness. you would never be financially secure. you would never be healed if you were sick. oh, btw, a lot of people didn’t get treatment for their or their childrens’ conditions. like i said, we believed the pastor was a healer!

they also taught that people could have special abilities. one person could see a word over someone else’s head, that was whatever sin they’re struggling with. as mentioned, another person could put their hand on you and heal you, or another person could magically know another language. i remember a speech where a woman talked about how she had an abortion and she could hear the baby scream and stuff, and looking back, i now know that it was a performance based entirely around fearmongering. i remember so many fearmongering sermons, honestly. i used to take notes, so they’re really ingrained in my head, even after all these years

this is so cathartic but at the same time i’m anxious and shaking lmao! like, it’s been years, i know that none of what they taught is true and they can’t hurt me, but i left the cult scarred with PTSD, OCD, and anxiety. the reason i’m talking about all of this for the first time is because my new manager is in the cult. i saw her and just knew. i see people out in public and just know. it fills me with a feeling like i’m going to puke and i get overwhelmed and usually i can just go home, but this time, i can’t bc i’m at work :-)

it prompted me to read stories from other ex-members of the cult and i was reminded of things like the term “backslider”, which was used to describe people who left the church and “went back to being ~worldly~” or whatever? and that children were conditioned to being afraid of the dark, afraid of being alone, afraid of demonic activity (especially in scary movies, which i still can’t watch to this day because even though i know they’re not actually scary, i was brainwashed into believing they were evil and if you watched them you’d be letting demons into your life and they would corrupt and kill you)

they made it impossible to make friends because all of your friends were in the church, so i and many other ex-members had and/or have a very difficult time developing and perfecting social skills. i was taught that swearing was evil. we were taught to say “oh my word” instead of “oh my god”, or other phrases. i’ve noticed that myself as well as other ex-members swear a ton and used “oh my god”, “jesus fucking christ”, etc. deliberately taking “god’s” name in vain and swearing to excess, as a means of therapy, or maybe defiance, or a combination of both from being so demonized by the church

apparently we all still struggle with flashbacks to the brainwashing songs we heard, learned, and sang. in general, we all seem to experience varying levels of PTSD, OCD, and anxiety as a direct result from the cult, which isn’t uncommon of cults, but it’s only recently that i’ve begun to allow myself to look back on it and recognize that it was a cult, it did this to me, and it’s fueled…many of my beliefs and interests, to put it quietly. i’m still not ready to talk about all of it. this is literally the most i’ve said about it in the last six years. i’ve never discussed it in detail. i’ve rarely allowed myself to think about it in detail. i have never told anyone about it directly– not friends, family, partners, therapists…nobody :-)

so yeah here’s a lot of baggage unloaded lmao i’m going to try to relax now!!!! this is more than enough for today!!!!!

#yikes #phew #cults #religious cults #ex cult #ptsd recovery #ocd recovery #brainwashing tw #pentecostal #apostolic #tagging so that if anyone in the cult now is questioning #they'll see this and hopefully make note of it as a red flag #when i wanted to leave i found a website #fully sourced about how wrong the church was #and even though i didn't believe it at the time #i definitely noted it

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