#its probably just being amplified by depression so FUCK depression too

[elendsessor]

Whats ur fave monhun game and fave monster in the series? It can be based on the fight itself or aesthetics, whatever u want

for favorite game it’s mh4u hands down. it was technically my first monhun game but i quit playing it not long after i first got it lol. it was back in 2015 and little me couldn’t understand the controls and didn’t even want to try. quarantine made me try the rise demo and eventually buy rise, and while waiting for updates to come out for it since i got super into it, it reminded me that oh yeah i do recognize that series name, found my old copy of 4u, and fell in love. i wish i gave it a chance earlier than i did and want to strangle little me for not trying and getting mad over controls. old school monhun hits so different. absolutely nailed atmosphere and though i still really like where gen 5 took things, i feel like they’re proof that better graphics and models =/= automatically better experience. there’s a charm to older games that i don’t think will ever be captured and that just goes for where modern gaming has gone in general. 4u perfected the look while giving straight up some of the best locals in the series (i love heaven’s mount), the jank is never too, y’know, janky, generally the franchise has fantastic music but the use of wind instruments in 4u’s is mwah, i love the towns, i love the extra stuff, the story might not be the forefront but it’s really solid, the monsters are great, it’s such a damn fantastic game. (also being able to use items on the bottom screen is the best thing ever.) it’s dos 2 electric boogaloo. maybe the day i can finally get frontier to run properly on my pc since i know it’s hard to set up the private server stuff i’ll love it too since it’s also just more of dos and i think that’s a good sign.

favorite monster is so hard tho. elder dragons are inherently interesting and mostly well executed so it feels a lil cheap to say one’s my favorite but fuck it. it’s a three way tie.

while not an elder dragon exactly since it doesn’t have elder dragon status, i love chaotic gore magala. i love the magalas and their lore in general but chaotic amplifies all that. it’s not just the depressing nature of it but the concept of “hey what if this butterfly like monster doesn’t molt properly” is so interesting. sunbreak made it a lot cooler tho since wow it has an ecology intro finally and while the og fight is already one of the best fights it was improved a lot in sb. i don’t really like the sb version of its theme tho. og theme was fantastic the cover of it is pretty mid.

gogmazios is also fantastic. buildup is amazing. this really is the living embodiment of the industrial revolution’s consequences in my mind. lore wise yeah disturbingly cool. love the fight to death it’s perfect. also love the weapon designs especially for the greatsword. what else can i say it’s a big demon kaiju :)

and of course i love shantien. only issue is that i haven’t been able to properly fight him bc frontier technically no longer exists. i’d argue for most games you can get a near full experience from watching a playthrough, but for action games like monster hunter where there’s a lot of depth i don’t think watching gameplay footage gives it justice. (of course playing a game yourself provides the best experience possible in most situations too but especially nowadays it’s not that easy anymore. emulation isn’t as simple as i think people make it out to be either. it’s all based on preference but to me i like to play older console games on the consoles they were intended for whenever i possibly can.) basically i think that’s the only thing that holds him back from being my fave. if i ever get a private server to work and finally get the chance who knows he’ll probably beat out the rest of these guys. tbh it wouldn’t take much his design is amazing and his theme is god tier. those two things alone are why i love him.

honorable mention for this goober i just like because he’s super stupid

#sorry this was so long ;-; #shantien answers #monster hunter

[yurissweettooth]

Really thinking about the (functional) disaster that is Yuri and Mattia living together because:

1. Neither of them knows how to dress

I think Yuri just wears suits and dress shirts he mom bought him like 10 years ago because he knows anything he picked out on his own would be blindness and pain inducing. Mattia tries to pick things that look good but he is more utilitarian than anything so its not a priority.

2. Their eating (and probably sleeping) habits are abysmal

They are so malnourished because they're both perma-depressed and exhausted and are like "I don't feel like cooking tonight, let's just eat ice cream from the container as a treat" but the treat is 3 meals a day every day.

They also just stay up working and chatting all night and then sleep for like 3 hours and drag themselves to work in a daze then stay late and come home and repeat.

3. Their social skills are poor

I think Mattia does most of the talking and Yuri just listens, but Mattia isn't really saying anything of extreme importance, he is just awkwardly filling the silence. He pours his heart out to Yuri and Yuri (who is actually interested, just a man of few words) gives him nothing like "Oh, is that so. I see." and the cycle continues.

--

I just think there would be a very chaotic energy around them at all times like a force field even if its just the two of them sitting there silently doing absolutely fuck all.

They are similar in all the wrong ways and get on each other's nerves constantly, but they also understand each other so thoroughly which leads to a pretty tight knit bond between them.

Although I think they amplify each other's "flaws" I think they could rub off on each other in positive ways too. Like Yuri speaking up a little more and having a less dreary outlook on things and Mattia being more rational and less impulsive in his thinking.

I think they could also really make some progress in their self esteem, at least with each other. They're both dorky, awkward disasters with severe mental illness but it's okay to be that way and there's no judgement in their home💖

#tiger and bunny #yuri petrov #mattia ingram #bloodmoon #tnb

[elytrafemme]

actually im going 2 rephrase. im not against self diagnosis & im happy if my experiences can help other ppl figure things out & im sure im a hypocrite bc even my BPD thing is like... well u werent given a questionnaire and diagnosed professionally so none of the other stuff that went into this realization both on my and my therapists end matters. so its like im sure ppl think that im faking this too and by God i am scared that IM faking this lol. 

but what i just get. upset by ig is like... i think bc im in the same shoes but like. sometimes u read info abt mental health disorders & the info is online and meant 2 distill the experience down to be easily understood and ppl are like ok! This Applies To Me bc ultimately every disorder at its basis relates to some kind of human experience it just gets amplified thats all the controversy with the dsm5 etc etc

and i know bc i did that! when i was trying to figure out what was wrong w me (and repressing any part of me that thought it was BPD) i looked into disorders and went Oh Shit Thats Me bc i wasnt looking at testimonials or actual diagnostic info or studies yet i was like. well this summarized version (still from a reputable source or primary source. thats important these arent like random ass websites right) makes sense to Me. i did this with bipolar because i knew i had depressive episodes and i kenw i had periodic hypomanic (which i think at this point is below hypomanic but still some sort of psychological manic response, its complicated i can explain if anyone cares etc) so i was like this is probably it! but when i actually figured out ok how does bipolar affect ppls lives how does it manifest across a WIDE sample i was like oh, no. this doesn’t really make sense at all. 

and when u further deconstruct disorders as like... theres so much overlap and sometimes the traits that could be explained by X disorder are better explained by Y disorder bc to an extent these labels are ‘arbitrary’ (not the right word but u get it), you realize like ok. what im worried about IS valid but these arent the explanations. 

this is all to say that i get it and im not upset at ppl for being in different stages of realizing that. 

i think what upsets me is when i try to articulate 2 people like. here’s my experience w/ this right and its like, already so so hard to articulate bc  how do i capture this in a way that doesnt raise alarm but is inherently alarming but without that element of risk it just sounds too abstract? it sounds very much non maladaptive when i try to take out the parts that are really really bad so even trying to explain why i act the way i act is extremely vulnerable. and then bc i cant explain it ppl are like “oh omg i do that too” or they do the far less favored “girl that’s normal” which ppl, actually do say to me.

and i dont like this idea of ‘trauma olympics’ or comparison or whatever but i do think to an extent its important to emphasize that like... a lot of symptoms are really intense versions of what a person may everyday experience heres a BPD related example right. everyone has had times where they are irrationally hating a close friend of theirs. ESPEC if that relationship is already complicated . so whenever i talk about splitting ppl are like no no thats normal or Oh yeah i get it.

but splitting isnt “i have a complex dynamic w a person i have heavy emotional investment with therefore sometimes i really hate them” and splitting isnt “me and my friend have this underlying tension and now i kind of want them dead”. splitting for me is like... i would throw away my entire future for someone bc there is no no way that anything they want could be morally wrong. and then in the next moment i am CONVINCED i have to kill them because they are immoral and deserve to be hunted down because they are manipulative and vile and abusive. and its the same person and this could be an ENTIRE fucking stranger, ive done this with ppl ive known for like. a total of an hour. 

so its not like im trying to tell people like no you dont have BPD no you dont split etc. but its hard to say like. you dont get it. bc that makes people want to duouble down right!

but sometimes ppl dont get it. and it sucks bc i feel like im at a place where i HAVE to explain whats going on with me (tho ive resisted telling some ppl thank God) but whenever i do i regret it bc they very clearly do not get it and they’re trying but they like. make jokes about me being “actually a horrible person” or talk about how i need medication and its like. if you listened you would remember why i cant do that but at this point i dont think u listened i think the words went to your ears and you forgot what they all meant at all. 

#nightmare.personal #DO NOT RB #long post

[gayfishermanfive]

I hate my brain. cos. it's like i don't get attention for 1 minute. and then im like. well great, everyone hates me. nice to know people give a shit. real nice of you lads.

like this bitch gets bitter for no fucking reason? and then just. cries about it

like. i don't get a response from something and my instant reaction is to cry. cos my brain just automatically assumes the worst and that everyone hates me

fuck this shit, seriously. at this point i just like. CANT be on discord, cos being on it just. hurts man. it really hurts.

#jump speaks #jump is depressed #im assuming this is rsd #so FUCK rsd #its probably just being amplified by depression so FUCK depression too #I just. can't cope with being ignored #I just can't #I'm too fucking sensitive and I hate it #this is why I have no friends! #rejection sensitive dysphoria #why do I have no hobbies outside the Internet #seriously I need some

[dxmmymxmmywrites]

What You Do to Me

Kakashi Hatake x F!reader Smut

Warnings: oral sex, suggestive themes, lots of swearing, mention of violence/death

Cheers to the first story for the horny blog. Let’s see how this goes. Plot here follows an ANBU reader that is returning home. They are referenced as female, but could be any gender in a dress. Hope you enjoy 🖤

————————————

The leadership position was an honor— one you had fought tooth and nail for, even. You stood apart in how willing you were to climb to the top, to become the best of the best. However, it had its downsides.

You struggled making genuine friendships. You could be polite, sure, but so many people didn’t seem worth the effort anymore. It was easier to catapult all of your efforts into your training and work life.

It did make the good friends you had all the more special to you, though. You loved them dearly, and time and time again they proved their loyalty to you. Thankfully it didn’t waver whenever you were away for extended timeframes.

You had been sent away for an assassination. Somewhere nearly across the map, in a remote scavenger village where trouble had been brewing for the Hidden Leaf Village politically. It had done a number on you. You could recall the screams of the warlord’s wife when she found him in his bed with his throat cut.

As you settled into the routine of being home again, you found solace in Kurenai Yuhi. She was the friend that had been with you the longest, since the academy. You witnessed each other’s growth throughout your short lives and had been there to celebrate with and uplift the other whenever needed. That being said, she had also been quick to notice the subsequent depression that fell over you after your latest mission.

“When was the last time you went out?” She asked you flippantly.

You had come over to her home for tea the moment you had turned in the paperwork to the Hokage’s office. You shook your head.

“I’m here now, aren’t I?”

She flicked your shoulder. “That’s not what I meant. Honestly! For fun. Something that doesn’t keep you holed up in your apartment. You know, with people.”

You gave half a laugh. “You’re scheming.”

“And if I am?”

You sighed. “You’ll rope me into it somehow. Just nothing too wild, please.”

She says it’s for your own good, and she’s probably right. Kurenai arranges dinner at a local bar with your peers, and the other jonin accept their invitations quickly.

Maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. These are people you really loved and appreciated. It would be good to let loose for a bit. And then Kurenai comes to your door to get ready with you as promised, and she throws black fabric in your face immediately.

“WHAt the fuck—?” Scrambling, you take it off your head and your eyes bulge.

It’s a beautiful black dress. Nothing outrageously fancy, but simple and refined without looking like you were trying too hard. You snorted, and Kurenai called out to you from the bathroom.

“Kakashi’s coming, too!”

“Goddamnit... Kuri—“

“Just try it on! I promise it’s not itchy. And you look good in black.”

And as it turns out, you did. The dress hugged you in all the right places without suffocating you, and fell loosely just above your knees.

You and Kurenai looked at your body in the mirror almost surprised.

“Okay, I really like it a lot.” You admitted with a small smile, and she gave a playful smack to your ass.

“I told you!”

...

Everything falls into place accordingly, and as you both approach the bar, you can feel a familiar fire burning in your chest.

You were happy to have time with your friends, but you were itching to see one in particular. You hadn’t seen Kakashi since weeks before you left to execute the assassination.

God, how to describe how you felt for this man and where to begin? He was within your circle of true companions, many of whom you’d known since childhood. But Kakashi— he was different.

You’d admired him from afar as children, intrigued by his protege-level talent, until you had been roped into Gai’s shenanigans along the way. In truth, you think you shocked him by not being so intimidated by his prowess.

Ultimately, you could see he was lonely. You’d had your own losses yourself, but it was hard to imagine everything he had endured. You gained an honest respect for him, and you’d protected him beyond your time together in ANBU. But nothing could deny the pull you felt to him, or how much you wanted to be the person to put a smile on his face.

...Even if you couldn’t see it.

As you wait with your posse, your eyes find him first when he is (of course) the last to show up. You can’t help but observe him greedily when no one else notices, and you can’t help but stand a little taller when you notice his brows rise when he takes in your dress.

And from there, the night is history. You all pile into a cramped booth and order several rounds of drinks and food to last the night. Everyone has something to contribute, laughing, teasing, and bickering the night away. It warms your heart; finally,

you feel like you’re back home.

Your mentality becomes stronger too as you feel the warmth from the sake hit you. With precise aim you manage to toss a piece of sushi into Gai’s mouth from across the table and your audience applauds.

Yet despite your sport, you can’t ignore the looks Kakashi has been giving you even before you laughed in triumph. He’s been particularly quiet for some time, but you can’t tell if it’s the booze or the atmosphere getting to him.

When the waitress comes to gather your third round of empty drinks you can feel your mood shift. She’s a lovely girl,

thin and with pretty doe eyes. You can’t pick it up through the noise, but she makes a comment to Kakashi and you can make out a smug smile through his mask. He holds out cash between two pointed fingers to her, and she happily takes it and bats her eyelashes at him.

Something begins to boil in your blood. It wasn’t like you to get jealous— that couldn’t be it. But you swear you see his eyes dart to follow her hips as she leaves. And it irritates the living shit out of you.

You’d yearned after this man for what? Your entire adult life? How dare he. Disregard the fact you had never had the guts to confess to him.

Fuck him. Fuck him and his pretty eyes, and his stupid soft hair, and his feathery laugh—

God, you were in so deep. Your seething turns into pouting in your head. Sitting on the sidelines sucked.

And even still... something in your resolve is building. It could be impatience, or the fear you were nowhere near drunk enough to pull this off and forget about it if it went sour. But as the waitress eyes him from the bar, you excuse yourself to the restroom while the attention is on Asuma at the other side of the table.

With Kakashi on the outer seat, it’s easy to carefully but firmly hoist his vest into your hand so you can easily whisper in his ear.

“Outside in five, Hatake.”

...

He could easily find you when he got outside to see you weren’t directly by the entrance. You had snuck into the side alley to patiently wait, like a cat waiting for a mouse to show itself from the underbrush.

Your nerves are broiling over while you idle, and the heat in your gut is burning you alive. But just as you’re ready to talk yourself out of it, he sneaks around the corner.

“This is some rendezvous, don’t you—“

He can’t even finish before you’ve swiftly backed him against the wall. You hold his wrists firmly in place by his shoulders, though you’re aware he could quickly break your hold if he tried.

“What the hell’s wrong with you Kakashi?” You pitifully laugh. “Do you think I’m not paying attention to you?”

Your words are more vicious than the defeated sound of your voice.

He playfully arches an eyebrow. “So, you have been watching me?”

“Of course I’ve been watching you, jackass! How could you even— but I know we’re not— but still—!”

Your resolve is quickly dissipating while his expression becomes more amused. Damn him.

“I think that was a confession if I’ve ever heard one,” he calmly adds. You glare at him.

He thinks he’s won, and gets ready to leave, but you press your knee between his legs. He can’t move, and there’s not enough pressure beneath his crotch to hurt, but he then has your attention.

“Do you have any idea what you do to me, Hatake?” You dangerously whisper to him.

Now, you see him sweat. His eyes look away, and that won’t do. Not anymore.

“Every night I was away, all I could think about was you.” You breathe into his collarbone, kissing over his clothed neck until you reach his flushed ear.

“Y/N—“

“I’m tired of playing games. You know how much I want you. Only you.” You suck on the lobe of his ear and grin when you feel him inhale sharply.

Your hands fall down to his hips and grip them harshly to ground yourself. With closed eyes, you have to steady your breathing to calm yourself. “If you don’t want this, tell me. You don’t have to.”

He’s ripped out of his haze by the sincerity of your tone. In the dim light, you can see him pull his mask down with a finger to take you in fully. His smile is so breathtakingly, beautifully raw.

“I do want you, and all of this. Now kiss me already.“

And like that, your heads are tilted and your lips are locked. The fire in your belly explodes to the rest of your body and you feel it amplified every time you touch him.

He moans deeply when you begin to push against him, reveling in how this wasn’t a dream. One of his hands cradles the back of your head through your hair, and you grin when the other trails down to grope your ass.

You gently rub your knee into his crotch, and he keens while you run your hands up his toned stomach and over his tight chest. When you’re to his face, you lower your knee to push your hips together and pull his hair as you slip your tongue into his mouth.

He submits to you willingly, openly, and freely. And it drives you wild.

Your kisses become more desperate as your tongues interlock, and he feels up from your thigh to your ass when you wrap a leg around him for balance.

His grip tightens around the back of your legs. “Jump,” he says, breathlessly.

You smile. “No.”

The wild look in your eyes sends a shiver down his spine.

He goes to ask you why, but then you’re on your knees in front of him and he swears he double-takes. You pause when your hand is at his zipper and he swears he’ll scream.

“You can stop me at anytime.”

“I don’t want to! Please,” he rasps, fingers trying to find purchase at the top of your head.

His begging sends the heat within you straight to your core. So you indulge, and pull down his pants and underwear enough to let his cock bob out into the night air.

He hisses at the cold initially, but almost chokes when he feels the flat of your tongue press against his cockhead. Your eyes are dark with a sinister lust when you stare up at him, and it takes his breath away.

“Fuck, Y/N, please,” he whines, his voice catching.

You flick your pointer finger up and trail it from between his balls up his entire length, not removing it from his now fully erect shaft.

“Please what? Use your words baby.”

He bucks his hips forward trying to get close to your mouth again.

“Please Y/N, blow me,” he pants. “Fuck me with that pretty mouth of yours.”

Did you wickedly grin once more? Probably. But you close your eyes and take his entire cock down your throat at once and he nearly seizes.

You start at an agonizing pace, making him wanton and needy for you. But just as he’s tiring, you speedily lick your tongue around his shaft and deeply suck him, making him yelp in the process.

“AH!— Holy shit!” He gasps and tightens his grip on your hair.

You hum around his cock, happy with his response, and he gives you a low, drawn out groan to follow. It’s enough to distract him while your hands hook around the back of his thighs to hold him in place.

You run your nails down his thighs just as you begin to swirl your tongue over his sensitive head, and then you take him as far back into your throat as you can once more.

Kakashi’s eyes are rolling into the back of his head, completely at your mercy and enjoying every minute of it. His silver hair frames his pearlescent skin so well in the darkness, which must contrast well with the weeping cock in your mouth.

You come up for air, and give him fast, sticky pumps as you look up at him cheekily.

“How are you feeling handsome?”

“S-So good, holy fuck.” He tries to catch his air as well, but he shakes his head. “Please, let me fuck your mouth. You feel so fucking good, please let me.”

Who were you to refuse?

#Kakashi #Kakashi Hatake #naruto #lemon #Kakashi x reader #Kakashi lemon #x reader #kakashi hatake x reader #kakashi hatake x reader smut #kakashi hatake x reader lemon #kakashi smut #dom reader #dom female reader #smut #sub kakashi #kakashi x reader smut #kakashi x reader lemon

[lofi-tophat]

Let’s talk about the 70s punk scene and HWS England

I sometimes feel that the fandom doesn’t give England’s love for punk/rock music much justice. Some authors usually write about this human AU in which Arthur wants to be a rockstar and some others plainly avoid the topic whatsoever. Which is a pity because I actually believe the whole character has a deep punk reference, specially regarding appearence (might expand on this in another post but basically, for me, England seems like some random bushy browed anime 70s punk guy who suddenly has to put on a suit and attend world meetings, which is both fascinating and hilarious).

So I thought maybe we could dive a bit into very general punk history and then I’d like to share with you some hc regarding England’s involvement with punk culture in general (if you just want to read the hcs just scroll down to the last paragraph with the bullet ponts).

My experience in punk stuff is actually that I’m kind of a metalhead lol. Metalheads and punks had and probably still have a deeply-rooted rivalry. However, punk influenced metal a lot, and metal also influenced punk. So I stumbled upon many punk facts while browsing about my favorite metal bands. 

Take this as historical hetalia... but counterculture historical hetalia :D (which is something we need more in the fandom, btw, I know military history is cool but its also cool how humans expressed themselves through art, fashion and music when they felt the pressure of authority and the frustration of society).

Historical context

Let’s return a bit in time and remember the 60s. The 60s were this blessed time in which people tried to defeat the establishment with peace and love. The hippie movement is from this decade and it influenced a lot on how people thought and behaved. In terms of counterculture, I must say this is a fascinating time in history (I recently discovered psychodelic science and its so incredible what was being talked back then).

Anyways, although a lot of young people were into this discourse of love and peace, some weren’t really that happy about it. In Europe, the post-war situation was sad and a lot of young people either were jobless or had the shittiest jobs you could imagine. Politics were also depressing. This was the origin not only for punk but also for other genres of heavy music, such as metal: People who didn’t want to be all happy and peaceful and had the need to express their frustration and anger, shouting about how society was fucked up. They needed an outlet.

Origins of punk

The origins of punk music are actually not quite clear. In fact, the US and the UK both claim that punk music was born in their country. Funnily enough, my country also claims to be the origin of punk (I’ll leave this mini-doc for you. Sadly, I don’t think this is a correct claim, mainly because their music was in spanish and I doubt that major punk bands took them as reference. Its a cool band tho).

I have to side with americans on this: The arguments for the american origins of punk are quite solid. The Ramones were the first actual punk band out there. They were active since 1974. Their music had all the elements of punk and, chronologically, they were the first ones performing this type of sound.

However, they didn’t have the aesthetic. That actually was a british invention. American punk had still leather jackets, jeans and sneakers. British punk? Well, remember all those ripped pants and shirts you commonly associate with punk? Yes, those were the Sex Pistols all along. They were the ones introducing the attitude and the style. The Pistols had some insane performances and a huge shock-value that can’t be found in early american punk. So you can safely say that your image of what a punk is is based mainly on the Pistols (also, for singing anti-authoritarian lyrics, they actually were managed by some dude who had a fashion shop. So yeah...).

Punk attitude or philosophy or whatever

The reason why I addressed the rockstar thing at the start of the post is because I find it curious. Punk is characterized by the whole Do It Yourself attitude and breaking with the establishment. Anarchism in punk is scandalizing people since there is no authority whatsoever. There wasn’t really any deep philosophy behind all of this, nor any political movement. Punk has nothing to do with a formal anarchist philosophy (which actually exists and has nothing to do with disorder). However, punk is characterized by the anti-establihsment lyrics. Remember, this is all about scandalizing people (which sometimes took great lengths). Presentations from british punk bands were also quite wild those days. They involved a lot of insults, spitting and, of course, pogo.

So, it is obvious that there is this deep concern about turning into a sellout, a pretty common fear in any underground scene. Authenticity was encouraged. Aspiring rockstars really didn’t have much mercy in the community so to speak, at least in this specific period. 

I would also like to add how punk had other aspects beside the music. For example, fanzines were pretty popular in the punk scene in the 70s and a great way to engage with what was going on with bands and music. I remember also this interview of this band in which they remembered how a very high guy decided to recite his poem while the band was playing. So, yeah, literature, illustration, fashion and other stuff were involved in the punk scene too.

British punk was also characterized by a very nihilistic attitude and a total disregard for previous influences. 1977, a song by The Clash, stated:

No Elvis, Beatles, or the Rolling Stones!

Now, for the important stuff: The music. Punk music is all about being simple. Punk musicians aren’t really known for their virtuosity in their instruments, something that actually inspired musicians from a lot of heavy bands later. In fact, the famous Sid Vicious from the Sex Pistols never could learn how to play the bass. So the band disconnected his instrument from the amplifier and he only had to pretend to play. The guy actually tried to learn how to play bass but music wasn’t exactly his talent. He had tons of punk attitude though, and that was the reason why his band didn’t kick him out. 

Vocals are usually shouted, the rythm is fast and the riffs are quite simple. In fact, there is this famous publication on a 1976 british fanzine that stated:

This is a chord

This is another

This is a third

Now form a band

HWS England and the 70s punk scene and onwards 

Thanks to his immortality, it is obvious that England had to experience the 70s in all their glory (what a lucky bastard). Was he there? Hell yes. As I explained before in some of my hc posts, nations represent the population more than their Government, so I really believe that England felt the frustration from that post-wwii decade and he probably also felt pissed about this. Working for the Government must have felt really frustrating during those years. 

In the past, he probably would have tried to take his ship and sail the seas or whatever, but that was not possible in the modern era. I guess that’s how he discovered punk. 

Now, rock existed in England before punk. I mean, the Beatles, duh. So Arthur wouldn’t have been completely ignorant about rock music in general. Contrary to popular belief I don’t imagine him being that much of a beatlemaniac though. Sure he likes them, but the music didn’t resonated with him as much. But boy, that first time he heard the Pink Fairies in 1971 (Yes, this was an actual band, a proto-punk band)? Yeah, he could relate more to that.

More detailed stuff here:

Pubs were crucial for the development of punk music. They were these spaces in which bands could play, a venue to discover new music. Yes, Arthur must have been a regular in a lot of these pubs.

Fanzines probably fascinated Arthur as an outlet for his own writings and silly drawings. He probably created a cringey pseudonym and collaborated with a lot of them. 

Its canon that England likes to critic american movies, and, taking from there, I think he’s the type of guy that has an opinion for everything. So I can imagine him also writing about what bands he enjoyed and what bands sucked.

Yeah, I can also see him being drunk and just reciting a poem while some rock band played behind.

With some ability, and a lil bit of tricks, Arthur could escape normal Government activities and perform with punk bands at nights. People were so into the music that he had no problem passing by.

Some cover art in CDs show Enlgland with a guitar and a bass (yes, not many people remember the bass cover art). So he probably plays both guitar and bass. He also probably plays the drums. Of course, he’s no virtuoso and he only knows the most basic stuff in those three instruments. I can see him being into songwriting tho.

Music equipment:

Guitar: Definetely a Telecaster

Bass: Fender P-bass and I can also see him having a Rickenbacker 4001

All these instruments are full with stickers. Punk instruments look really cool btw. (I wish my bass could look like those I see in certain punk bands)

England’s probably the kind of guy that doesn’t cut his strings at the head of his guitar.

He can actually play guitar/bass and sing at the same time.

England plays bass with a pick (what an asshole, we bassists know picks are not allowed)

Contrary to popular belief, I can see England appreciating good rock music from other countries and supporting them. He probably insists that punk music was born in the UK though.

1977: The Queen was going to celebrate her silver jubilee. And England had no problem with this. He really had none... but he HAD to be in that boat trip with the Sex Pistols. There’s no way he was going to miss that. He later had to explain his abscence that day to his Government officials (Btw, my hc for England’s relationship with his monarchy is “It’s complicated”. I can explain this later. Just remember that he was really pissed those days)

I can see Arthur in general being really involved with the scene. A lot of the stuff they were making actually matches with his canon interests and even personality. So he probably enjoyed those days and felt quite at home. I can even say that, for a long time, he hadn’t felt that kind of connection with his own people.

Although I can see England being attracted by the nihilism in the scene, I think his romanticism protects him from embracing it fully.

England had to live a double-life during this era. Not that it was new for him.

Arthur was pierced several times by some random, drunk teenagers. He doesn’t remember who tho. He was also drunk. Obviously his piercings close really fast, unless he has a permanent jewel in there.

I can actually see England expanding his music taste. Although punk is in his heart, it wouldn’t be strange for me that he’s overall a rock nerd and enjoys other genres, specially those with fast drum beats and heavy riffs. So I can see him having some metal favorites too, having a certain taste for prog rock and even digging into hardcore.

I’m still unsure if England would have been a massive Pistols fan as fanfics usually portray him. I mean, maybe? I would say he is definetely into acts such as the Pink Fairies (I mean, c’mon, its perfect). The Clash and the Damned probably also have a place in his heart.

After the punk scene dried out (the 80s weren’t that great for punk music although it was the birth of even heavier forms of music based on punk), England also was eager about the new genres flourishing during these times based on punk. Acts like folk punk might have had an appeal for him. He’s also fond of the punk-ish bands from the 90s like Green Day.

“Punk will never die!” shouted England while stage diving in some random small concert. He likes to support new bands these days.

The most fascinating thing, maybe in a more poetic sense, is that England’s immortality probably also helps him to keep up a punk spirit as much as his nationhood allows him, instead of aging poorly and angry like a lot of punk musicians... I mean, he aged poorly, but for other reasons lmao.

#hetalia #hws england #lofi-tophat: really long hc #in the next issue: America is a swiftie WITH EVIDENCE #I do enjoy some american metal bands but I don't see America being that much into heavy music #he probably doesn't even care if punk was born in the us or not so england maybe won that one #guys i could ramble forever with my music hcs but ill just leave you with Moldovas extensive pop collection #finland's passion for folk metal acts like korpiklaani #and cuba shouting AZZUUUUUCAAARRR in karaokes #btw pirate metal exists kind of as a subgenre but it exists and england is into it

[orionsangel86]

“I Think It’s Time For Me To Move On”

...And Other Things That Have Destroyed Me This Weekend...

So there is this common trope within love stories which generally happens at the end of the second act in which everything goes wrong and we all think that the lovers are doomed to failure. Its pretty much standard in every Jane Austen novel, every romantic film every made, every single bloody love story. Go ahead, name one. I guarantee you the break up moment is there.

Within the epic love story of Dean and Cas, there have been many break up moments, and all have had their emotionally devastating impact on the relationship and the show...

But THIS was a different level. 

(For a nice summary of Destiel break up moments and understanding of this trope, @tinkdw​ wrote about it here.)

I didn’t think that there would be another moment within Dean and Cas’s relationship that could hit me this hard. The mixtape in 12x19, the wrapping of Cas’s body in 13x01, and the return of Cas in 13x05 are moments that I consider to be the very top of the scale in making this pairing undeniably romantic. Moments that pushed it beyond a platonic interpretation. These three moments have been the things I cling to when the show has otherwise made me doubt any conclusion to the DeanCas story, and since there hasn’t been another one of those moments since 13x05, until now I have been somewhat nervous that the story was dropped, or being forced back behind a platonic screen. 

15x03 has ripped that screen away. 

Emotional meta under cut...

This entire episode was an emotion fuelled dramatic roller-coaster that killed off three characters including our beloved witch queen in a scene that almost stole the show and practically canonised the SamWitch ship. Rowena’s death should have been by far the most torturous moment for viewers to endure, and it was extremely torturous and had me sobbing on a plane 3 hours into a 7 hour flight. That incredibly heartfelt moment between Sam and Rowena will probably go down as one of the top tear-jerking moments on this show. It was tragic in the best way - the way Supernatural is famous for.

But lets not gloss over the fact that in an episode where THAT should have been the climax, where THAT should have been the emotional highlight and end point, instead we get a further MORE dramatic stand off between Dean and Cas that pulled focus and ripped all of our hearts out just as violently as poor Ketch in the first act (a very clever and smug piece of meta foreshadowing there Mr Berens).

On a meta level, this is HUGE as a writing choice because they MUST know how this looks. This was the climax of the third episode of the finale season. The way Supernatural has always structured itself since Carver era is that the first three mytharc episodes of each season establish the direction of the story and set the foundations for the character level focal points and dramatic key notes to come. 

That the writers have chosen to end the foundation episodes with a DeanCas break up moment that was more dramatic than a Spanish Telenovela has just stunned me and left me reeling because I just can’t see how else this can go. This break up scene absolutely DEMANDS a huge reconciliation of the sort that will be part of the A plot of the season - the FINAL SEASON. Guys. Part of the reason I have been so quiet and so disillusioned with the show during late season 13 and season 14 was because they pushed any Destiel plot into non existent territory - it became kinda irrelevant and Dean and Cas just acted like friends (homoerotic friends yes, and sometimes like an old married couple, but it was mostly played as an afterthought imo), so for this to suddenly be brought to the forefront of the emotional story again is excellent news for us. 

The thing is, like with those huge moments I listed above, the break up scene is basically undeniably romantic when you break it down to its components:

1. It’s only Dean and Cas. 

Once again we have another scene of high stake emotions that excludes Sam. In a platonic reading of the show, it makes zero sense for there to be such a hugely disjointed relationship between Cas and Dean and Cas and Sam given he has known them both for so long now that if they were all “just friends” then surely Sam would also feel the impact of Cas’s choices as heavily as Dean. In a platonic reading, Dean comes across as an asshole, Sam comes across as being weirdly uncaring about his friend of 10 years, and Cas comes across as not even bothering to get Sam’s opinion before leaving. A romantic reading makes sense because quite literally THIS IS A ROMANTIC BREAK UP.

2. The words spoken. 

“Well I don’t think there is anything left to say.”

“I think it’s time for me to move on”

From Cas’s perspective at least, name one time in a piece of media where such language has been used for a platonic breakup sincerely? There have been heartfelt break up songs that use these exact words. (I should know I’ve spent the last 24 hours listening to them all).

That last line in particular is so heavy. It’s the last line of the episode and nothing about it is platonic. This is relationship terminology my dudes. “I need to move on, and get over you.” This is Cas’s bloody Adele song. My heart breaks for him, but if I was his sassy and fabulous best girlfriend right now I’d be sitting him down, sipping a cocktail, flipping my hair and telling him “Babe, you’re too good for him. Good Riddance. Let’s go out, have some cocktails, something pink and fruity. No dive bars for us darling. I’ll take you to Heaven... the fun one in London.”

In all seriousness though, from Cas’s perspective, this was him admitting defeat and giving up the fight for love. How anyone can possibly say Cas isn’t in love with Dean after this, well I just don’t know what show you are watching. This is the face of a heartbroken man who has just accepted that his love is unrequited. 

3. The many faces of Dean Winchester

On the other end of the scale, Dean was mostly silent after his poisonous words “And why does that something always seem to be you?”

Forgive the terrible gif quality I’ve no time for fancy gif work!

Look at his face here. He knows what he said was fucked up and he immediately regrets it. The way he swallows around that regret and then turns away.

and after Cas says that devastating final line and walks away? We get THIS reaction from him:

The jaw clench as he looks down. The sorrow on his face as he realises he has well and truly fucked this up. LOOK

Finally, he looks up, makes himself look up and watch Cas leave. If that isn’t the face of a broken man I dunno what to tell you. Anyone who thinks Dean is totally heartless and uncaring right now needs to reassess because this is NOT the face of someone uncaring. This is the face of someone who has just lost everything. Again. 

4. The FUCKING MUSIC

Seriously. The sweeping heavy drama of the low strings that come in right after Dean says that horrid line, that carry the weight of the look of horror and heartbreak on Cas’s face as they amplify the emotion there. As they blend seamlessly into the slow and subtle version of the Winchester family theme behind Cas’s heartbreaking speech and Dean’s stubborn stoic face hiding a multitude of emotion, until the violin dominates as Cas says “I think it’s time for me to move on” and the Winchester Theme swells to its climax, ripping all our hearts out just like poor Ketch as Dean watches Cas walk out of his life surrounded by darkness. 

I MEAN.

A friend on Twitter reminded us all of this point about the importance of this theme via @justanotheridijiton​ here which is essentially:

“The Winchester theme is not simply an aural marker to let the audience know when and how Sam and Dean love each other (any Supernatural fan knows that is the baseline of their relationship), but to provide narrative information, especially when the image and dialogue are incomplete or inconsistent with the true situation...  Seasoned fans will recognize the theme and its history of being paired with images indicating deep emotional bonding and a desire to do the right thing by the Winchester code. Here we trust our ears over our eyes to reveal the truth.”

So here is yet another key indicator that any surface read that this is actually an ending between Dean and Cas and that Dean really is just an angry asshole is utter bullshit. 

Honestly, this was PAINFUL, but it was painful in the best way. It was 13x01 levels of pain, but this time it was Cas choosing to walk away which makes all the difference. Dean’s greatest fear isn’t his loved ones dying on him after all, but of his loved ones choosing to leave him. This was exactly the kick up the ass Dean needs in order to win Cas back, classic love trope style. 

Hence my excitement at what is to come. Yes we won’t see Cas again until 15x06, but in the meantime I fully expect a good helping of angst and wallowing from a depressed Dean who has to deal with the fact that he has just lost the love of his life and it is all his fault. That he just pushed away the one person who promised they would always stay by his side. That has got to hurt. 

So yeah, this episode emotionally destroyed me, and I’ve only really covered the primary reason, let alone all my feels over SamWitch, Rowena’s death, Belphegor’s taunting of Cas over his deepest fears and then having to suffer through smiting a creature wearing the face of his son until his body was nothing but a burnt corpse... I wonder if Bobo had a bet going in the office over how much he could hurt us all? He was certainly enjoying scrolling through the Supernatural tag on Twitter and liking everyone’s reaction tweets including some brilliant Destiel related ones. I do love Bobo. Our Angst Goblin King. 

If anyone had asked me a few weeks ago what my thoughts were on the chances of getting explicit canon Destiel by series end, I would have said somewhere in the realms of 30-40%, considering it a battle of wills between DabbBerens and CW studio execs who I still feel are against it in general. I would have considered everything that happened after 13x06 as the writers getting a big NO on Destiel from the network and therefore having to pull back on any Destiel related plot points (purely my own speculation on BTS matters of course).

Now I am wondering if Dabb kept fighting the network? If he managed to wear them down into begrudging acceptance? I’m currently up to around an 80% chance of textual canon DeanCas if we continue on this path. If Dean is clearly shown to be mourning and hating himself over Cas next episode, and if this DeanCas dramatic plot line continues to be a focal point of the emotional story arcs... well...

I’m side eyeing 15x07 a lot right now. Only in my wildest dreams would I think that they might actually introduce an old boyfriend for Dean in a “coming out” episode, but the placement, timing, and potential is all there and I’m kind of once again donning the clown mask because I’m just in awe at everything that they are doing. I guess we’ll find out soon enough. In the meantime, I’m gonna paint my face in red and white and wear my rainbow wig and listen to break up songs on Spotify whilst trying to shove my heart back into my chest where Bobo Beren’s gleefully ripped it out with his hands like the demonic angst goblin he is. Wish me luck, I’m not sure I’m gonna get through this season with my emotions intact.

#destiel #supernatural #spn meta #destiel meta #spn speculation #season 15 #15x03 #castiel #dean winchester #spn spoilers #my meta #destiel dreaming #destiel break up

[toshis-puppycat]

Hello Again Part Three

A/n: Ahhh i have no excuse as to why it took me so long with writing, my inspiration was there with part four of Unfortunately but for this one it was *poof* 'I'm gone' and I'm very sorry about that but here is now! Also watch how the next part of this is gonna be short. I'll be embarrassed considering how long this one is lol. Anyways, I hope yall enjoy!!

Summary: You've missed about twenty years with Endeavor and All Might, that's so much to catch up on. Its exciting to see whats been going on! But well... there's always a negative isn't there?

Word Count: 7k (Jesus christ)

Part Three

You found out for sure that you missed about two decades with Toshi and Enji. Or well, you couldn't really call them that anymore. All Might and Endeavor. Their Hero Names. It was so trippy. All Might became the number one hero when he came back from America, which is when he found out you "died". You didn't even want to ask why he wasn't told sooner, hero work was tiresome in the states when he was over there. Endeavor was the number two hero. Now promoted to number one and he had children! And one of them was currently going to U.A. it was all so exciting! And the teachers here now were hilarious. Present Mic was obnoxiously loud, slightly reminded you of a Cockatiel which was kinda funny. Eraserhead or rather Aizawa Shouto was interesting, he was quiet, and seemed to be friends with Present Mic and he had a really fucking cool quirk, and God would it have been useful when you were younger. At that thought it was a little depressing, you missed everything. All those important life events for both Toshi and Enji and- You pushed the thought away, it was nicer to know the teachers you'd mainly be working with. Speaking of that there was one that scared the shit out of you. She was very open about herself, and really how would you say it? Sexy? Alluring? She was very flirty, seeing you look away all flustered apparently had become a favorite pass time of hers. But that didn't matter, because she was one of the first ones willing to jump at saying you could stay at U.A as a Teachers Assistant instead of just being a seemingly random civilian. Being apart of the faculty would be way easier, and with a push from a retired All Might backing you, along with the faculty at U.A itself you were allowed to stay. When you had to inform the parents you were a bundle of nerves. What if they didn't want you here? Was the only thought you had. But when you actually met them and then immediately drenched a pro-hero in water, not just any pro-hero, Endeavor your childhood friend. It was okay though, because one of the parents cackled and said she was completely fine having you stay. Her son apparently had a quirk called explosion which happened to deal with his sweat being able to well… explode, and he is a true hothead. Seeing Enji was jaring at the time but he was a father, his son is currently attending U.A. you didn't know why you were so surprised seeing him. Maybe you were still stuck on when youd last seen him? Falling from that He was just married when you left, and you'd recently found out he had children from All Might, so of course he would attend the meeting. Later when you finally settled for the night, you realized something. Toshi was refusing to be left alone with you the whole day, even when you were literally grabbing at him and trying to hold him. It left an unfamiliar feeling in your gut. You had gotten past some difficult things in your life already, just please let it be this once something would go right. Because despite you being thrown about 20 years into a future which was definatly exciting, you knew something would probably go wrong. You could always feel it, you speculated it was something from your quirk, too much good came with the bad. Healing, water manipulation, being able to turn into a literal mermaid, having your voice enchant people when you sing. There had to be some negative. With you there always was. You knew it was gonna hit you one way or another. No matter how much you hoped it wouldn't.

☆☆☆☆☆

You forgot what it was like having a nightmare. You moved on from your childhood as best as possible, having Enji's help along with having All Might made it so much easier when you were in your own time. You assumed that the only reason it was hitting you now was because you were thrown into the future. Despite the excitement, it was difficult for you to feel okay. You wished you could call Toshi or Enji. But Enji had to patrol tomorrow and Toshi already looked dead on his feet. Plus he was avoiding you, which you supposed was also kind of the trigger for you. That deep rooted worry that you had within yourself. One that always questioned whether or not you deserved to be No, no. Everything… everything would be okay. It had to be okay. It would hurt having it any other way.

☆☆☆☆☆

You decided the night before that you'd ask him, about his life. You had questions that needed answers but all that came out when you saw him was, "Did you ever get married, All Might?" It made sense to ask him sure, but just throwing it out there like some weirdo? But if he wasn't married he could be single. That was the only part your brain focused on. You knew he was a different man now, it would be impossible for him to have not changed in the time you've been gone, but you could still see the one you confessed to, the shocked red faced look, the first kiss... He was just so cute, and it didn't matter to you he was technically older, he made your heart race now just as much as he did then. It was like you were confessing all over again, the butterflies never left.

"No, y/n. I did not get married." He said, giving you a strange look. "Why?" 

"I was just curious." You said, but inside you felt giddy, all of your other questions were forgotten. Not married. For now at least.

☆☆☆☆☆

The next day you were going to work with Aizawa, and you were finally going to meet the newest batch of heros that were trying out for thir provisional license. And you were going to go with them, the principal Nezu had agreed with you when you brought up your concerns about being a hero again. And when you suggested that you take the exam as well, he was all for it. Especially since you'd said that your Hero License had expired years ago. You only missed the first fews day of their continued training, something about them missing the rest of their summer training camp because of a kidnapping, and it made U.A become a boarding school. This was good though, a good distraction.

"Uh Mr. Aizawa? Who's she?" A timid voice called out. It snapped you out of your train of thought. Aizawa gestured for you to introduce yourself. 

"Oh, hi! I'm y/n l/n." You smiled. "Sorry to just drop in on you guys. I'm going to be assisting Mr. Aizawa and the other teachers a part of the hero course from now on." You explained. 

"Why? We are already living on campus." A boy called out. He was a little… stiff, you just smiled at the class. 

"We thought it'd be best if I joined. Principle Nezu already introduced me to your parents." You said. 

"We need to be going now." Aizawa said. The class quickly stood up and began to follow, you lagged behind to make sure everyone could stay together. The student who asked who you were, the one who wondered why you were there and a young girl were in front of you.

"My apologies ma'am! I realized I may have insulted you" He exclaimed, you blinked in response to his excited demeanor. "My name is Tenya, Iida! And these are my fellow classmates Midoryia, Izuku and Ochaco, Uraraka!" He yelled. 

"Iida! You're startling her!" The girl, Ochaco exclaimed, she let out a sigh. "Sorry, he's just very excited that we're working on getting our license." She said. You smiled at the three. 

"We can talk more at gym gamma." You said, gently pushing the trio forward. And you all quickly made your way to the gym to practice. "I remember when I tried for the Provisional Hero License Exam." You stated, musing with the three teens. Midoryia's eyes lit up.

"You took the Provisional Hero Licenses Exam?" He questioned excitedly. You awkwardly smiled at him. 

"Yeah I did, they change it every year though-" you began but he cut you off in an excited tangent. You couldn't make out any of the beginning but you did hear the last part because he yelled it out in his excitement. 

"So that means you have a great quirk for hero work!" He yelled out, unfortunately you were already at the gym, and it echoed a little. You flinched a little, and saw Midnight making her way towards you. 

"Y/n! Come here!" She yelled at you. You gave the three students a polite but awkward goodbye and made your way over to the R-rated hero. "Its good that you came in with them! Getting all acquainted with the students." She purred out, you felt your face heat up in embarrassment. 

"Midnight please don't." Was all you managed to say. 

She gave you a look, then said "Its good you're getting acquainted with them because I have a favor to ask you."

You tilted your head at her. "A favor?"

"Yes! Now- I've already seen the proof so you can't deny it- I need you to do something for an assignment I'm going to be giving these kids." She said. You nodded hesitantly, encouraging her to continue, noticing a slight predatory look in her eye. Wait...proof of? Oh. Oh no. "I'm going to need you to perform a song in front of the class. I already know that voice of yours gets affected by your quirk when you sing so it'll throw'em off guard a little. Let them know that art is everywhere and its amplified by quirks. It'll be a good lesson." She says. You feel your eye twitch a little and sigh. She already knew you did something before, so why not. 

"Okay." You said. Then you started watching the students after they came out in their hero costumes. And they looked amazing! God these kids were going to be great heros, you could feel it. Working with these kids would be a trip.

☆☆☆☆☆

It was four days after you met these wonderful kids that it hit you. Why Toshinori wasn't interacting with you much. It started normally. Him walking in and talking to Aizawa as you happily made your way to the two. Midoryia excitedly told you about his costume upgrades earlier. Braces that were added to reduce the strain on his arms and knee pads that were extended up to his thighs. He was a smart kid, you were glad that he was able to figure out what he needed. You were watching Fumikage work on his special move, "Abyssal Black Body". Dark Shadow covered his form, God these kids were cool. 

"Some of them have finally solidified their fighting styles. And there are those already putting together multiple special moves." Aizawa said, you saw All Might walk towards the area the angry blonde was in, Bakugou. You learned his name quickly a few days prior. You saw him do a form of his special move and at the time you didn't know his name and yelled out the only one you'd heard, which was from Izuku. 

"Good job, Kachaan!" You screamed out, the blonde turned to you furiously, glaring at you.

"Oi, hag don't fucking call me that!" He called out. Four of his classmates were howling with laughter before one of them called out to you and told you that he preferred to be called Bakugou. And apparently you were lucky, because despite being a part of the staff he would've hit you with his quirk if he was angry enough. Explosion. Ah, his mother told you about him when you'd met. You apologized to the snarling blonde, but not before taking away some of his sweat in response. 

"Listen Bakugou, I'm sorry I called you the only name I've heard so far. It won't happen again." You said. It left him sputtering in response at the lack of his quirk. He scowled at you after noticing you essentially holding the sweat away from him. It held no malice though, you could tell that. He was just frustrated most likely, you knew he was the one that was kidnapped. He could probably be scared too. You pushed the thoughts away. You'd ask Aizawa about it later.

You saw him curl one hand into a small circle, and place it in front of his other hand then a bright blast came through, his special move. It blasted a hole through the obstacle that he was practicing on, and you saw it crumble a bit as he screamed about how he did it in excitement. Pure happiness was coming off him in waves. Despite his grouch attitude, you felt yourself smiling. 

"No surprise that young Bakugou is doing well. As usual." You heard All Might say. The wall behind him was crumbling, you saw it and you felt your body moving forward on its own before you knew it, hearing a faint call from Bakugou for All Might to watch out. He was going to get hurt. Toshinori was going to get hurt. Water quickly flowed towards him, to keep him protected from the large rock falling towards him when you saw him. Izuku came in out of nowhere, green lightning surrounding his form as he twisted his body to kick. You saw All Mights face in that moment. An impressed, proud smile on his face that made your heart seize on itself. Like a father looking at his son. Izuku yelled a resounding "Smash!" You felt everything shatter in that moment. 

"You did it kid." All Might said, you weren't sure if Aizawa heard that. But Izuku did, he was smiling widely at him. 

"Hey Aizawa, I completely spaced out on telling Principle Nezu something!" You could hear yourself call out, your cheeks were hurting a bit. You could vaguely feel it and you could barely hear Bakugou calling out to All Might to "watch himself". Aizawa nodded at you, and you made your way to the exit. Toshinori gave you an odd look, before offering to walk you. You gave him a tight lipped smile, and said "Nah, you wanted to watch these kids! I'll get to him safely." You were glad that you didn't have any water surrounding you at the moment. It made it hard to be ignored like you were right now. You asked him if he ever married anyone. You didn't ask if he had any children. And somehow, even though he wasn't with anyone now. It felt like a punch to the gut. He didn't tell you he moved on and had a child. You avoided being near him after that.

☆☆☆☆☆

That night you had to make sure that the girls would be getting ready for bed. You walked towards the common room area and heard a student, you think is Asui "Its not good to force an investigation."

"She's right. More importantly, it's late. We should call it a night." You heard another say, Yaoyorozu you saw her stand up.

The pink girl, Ashido looked absolutely outraged for a moment, and then you noticed Ochaco floating in the air. Hearing Ashido say "Ugh! No! I wanna hear everything!" Made you look at the group that still had their gravity, they were a cute bunch.

"Girls, its getting late. You should be heading to bed now." You said. It shocked all of them into looking in your direction. 

"Ah, yes Y/n sensei!" Yaoyorozu said. You chuckled at the still obvious pout Ashido was giving.

"Ashido, I hope you're not too focused on romance right now. First worry about getting your hero license, then you can worry about romance." You said. She smiled brightly at you. 

"Wait y/n sensei, do you like someone?" She asks. You give an awkward look. But she looked so hopeful you'd say something. 

"Yes, Ashido. But look at that time! You all need to be getting sleep!" You cheered, she pouted again. But she seemed to accept it, the group started walking away.

These kids… are going to be great heros. You looked out the window, and saw Midoryia perfecting his movements, and you felt a small sad smile come up. I'm… I'm really glad he has a son like you Midoryia. You thought, feeling a treacherous tear coming down your cheek and furiously wiped it away. Thankfully, the girls already left for their rooms. Now, you just had to make sure he came in to sleep.

☆☆☆☆☆

Before anyone knew it the day of the exam was here. You went with the class on the bus with your own bag, getting shocked stairs from the students. You shrugged your shoulders and smiled. "What? You think I'm here for moral support? All that practice I did with all of you and you thought I'd just be here as a moral boost?" Only two people didn't jump out of their seats in excitement,  one being Bakugou, which you expected. The other being Todoroki, you figured one didn't care and the other understood you from before. You'd told the class the day before about your previous connections but you guess it didn't click for them that you'd want to be a hero again. 

"Oh man do I have stories about my time here." You said, the students were looking at you eagerly. "It was the first sparing session we had after our internship, and I threw Endeavor on his ass. It was glorious. He was so shocked I did it and it was fueled by pure spite." You explained, Todoroki gave an interesting expression to that. "When our first sparing session happened though it was my favorite, that man really almost lit the surrounding area on fire and I just drenched him in water. He was a lot less everything then he is now, so he kinda looked like a wet rat. Again, glorious moment." You said to the class, they all laughed. It was a good moment with them. 

You noticed that you made it to the building for the test and shook away the memories and just felt excitement. The test was different every year! You couldn't wait to see what they came up with this time around! You could hear the student's mixed reactions, to the few saying they felt nervous to the others saying "I wonder what they're gonna make us do." You sighed, this was going to be fun. 

"If you can pass this test and get your provisional license, then you novice eggs will hatch into chicks. You'll be semi-pros. I expect your best." You heard Aizawa say. "And you," he started turning towards you. "You've done this before. Don't fail."he finished. You beamed at him.

"Don't worry Aizawa! I got this!" You said, voice full of cheer. You could ignore what you learned before, just for today. You could hear Kirishima call out to the class to say their signature catch phrase "Plus Ultra!" When another student caught everyone off guard. Even you jumped a little in response to his enthusiastic "Ultra!" Todoroki only startled a little, recognition barely in his eyes at the other boy.

"Y'know, its pretty rude to barge into other people's huddles like that, Inasa." You heard his classmate say.

"What? Pardon me." He began, body immediately bending forwards in a violent enough manner that he literally bashed his head on the ground. "I am so… very… extremely… sorry!" He yelled. You winced, as Izuku yelled in surprise. 

"Who is this guy? I do not trust his enthusiasm." You heard Kaminari say in panic, you quickly made your way to the other student. Barely paying attention to Aizawa and the others as they recognized the uniforms from the other school. Shiketsu. The school in the western part of Japan. 

"I wanted to say it just once. Plus Ultra!" He yelled, quickly standing tall. "See, I really love UA High School. I am extremely honored to compete against such incredible students. I'm so looking forward to it." He exclaimed, his forehead was bleeding. You ignored Aizawa explaining who he was. Only hearing his name, Inasa Yoarashi.

"Do you need me to heal you, Yoarashi?" You asked him, voice quiet. He looked startled for a moment before some flicker of recognition was in his eyes.

"Its you! Pro-hero Siren!" He yelled out. You winced at the amount of blood that came pouring out from his wound. You didn't bother trying to ignore the other students shock at the name, you registered Kirishima stating your name was so manly. Other than Yoarashi, only Izuku knew who you were it seemed, and he was muttering to himself that he should have known that's who you were. The others were just grateful knowing your hero name it seemed.

"That I did. Now you should get going. Your classmates are waiting." You said calmly. He walked off after thanking you and your students clamored around you.

"Wait, you worked with Todoroki's father? Like, as in not just at UA?" Ashido asked.

"Yes, but it's been, give or take 20 years since I've worked with him. It was decided that I need to re-earn my hero license in order to do hero work." You said, you didn't actually explain you worked with Endeavor. Just that you worked with a now, well known flame hero in school. You heard Kirishima mutter something about "being manly" again and felt very fond all of a sudden, the whole manly spirit reminded you of the man you interned under. "Kirishima, do you happen to be a fan of Crimson Riot?" You asked, and his face lit up.

"Yeah! He's my hero! My name is kinda inspired by his too!" He exclaimed, but another voice interrupted the conversation.

"Eraser?" You heard a voice call out, Aizawa flinched at it. "I'd know that scowl anywhere!" You looked over to see a light green haired woman, smiling and waving, walking over to the class, mainly Aizawa though. "I saw you on TV at the Sports Festival. But its been a while since we were this close in person." She said, Aizawas eye twitched in annoyance. 

"She looks familiar." You heard Izuku say.

"Let's get married." The woman says smiling and gesturing between herself and Aizawa. 

"No." Deadpan expression and all. You hear Ashido squeak in disappointment, and can practically see the little hearts around her break. 

The woman bent over laughing in joy and say, "Ha, ha! You're a real laugh-riot, buddy." 

"As usual, you're impossible, Joke." Aizawa said, as the woman continued laughing. 

Izuku exclaimed in surprise, "Oh, thats Ms. Joke! The smile hero! Her quirk is outburst!" He had a wide smile on his face, and you had to look away for a second. He was quite literally the physical embodiment of sunshine. Just like someone else you knew. You could hear him explain her quirk and it made you snap out of your revere. "She forces people around her to laugh, which affects their ability to think and keeps them from being able to move. Her fights against villains are always full of insanity!" He exclaimed.

"Come on, imagine it! If I was your wife, you'd have a future full of constant laughter." She said.

"That sounds like an actual nightmare." Aizawa stated, she burst out laughing again. As the class contemplated their closeness, she gave an explanation, "Our agencies were near each other. As young heros striving to make a difference in the world, a mutual love bloomed." She said, clasping her hands together and blushing. 

"No, it didn't." Ouch, instant rejection. But she didn't seem to notice it.

"I do miss your quick retorts." She said, pointing at him before placing her hands on her hips and continuing, "You're my favorite person to tease, future husband." She smiled, Aizawa closed his eyes.

"So, Joke. If you're here, then that must mean…"

"That's right. Over here, everyone. This is UA." She called out to a class just behind her.

One student exclaimed in fake wonder at the students and you as the others were genuinely happy.

"Oh, whoa. It really is Class A!" 

"Wow, that's so amazing. I've seen them on TV before." 

"Second years from Ketsubutsu Academy. This is Class 2. They're my students." She said happily. 

You saw a student of hers grab Izuku's hand. "Hey, I'm Shindo! Seems like UA's has a lotta trouble this year, musta been tough for you." He said, smiling. 

"Uh, yeah." Izuku awkwardly said, Shindo moved on, grasping the other student's hands and continued. 

"But even so, you're all still aiming to become pro-heros, despite those hardships. It's wonderful! Hearts full of fortitude." He said, smiling, looking like the perfect pretty boy image. "I believe that's whatever hero in the world needs to have." He was sparkling and you saw some of the girls in the class begin to fawn over him a little. You could practically hear Izuku think that this kid was "too nice" nope. "And Bakugou. It must've been hard for you, what with that whole kidnapping incident." You did a double take at that. It didnt matter that you already knew he was kidnapped, it was still jaring.

"Huh?" Bakugou responded.

"You have an especially strong will, don't you? Today, I'm going to do my best to learn from you. I really hope you don't mind." He said, attempting to shake his hand. Bakugou slapped it away.

"Stop pretending. What you say doesn't match the look in your eyes." He said, turning away from the other boy. You saw that flash of anger in the other students eyes. Good. Bakugou could see it, a valuable skill. 

"Hey, man, don't be so rude!" Kirishima exclaimed. "Sorry, he's just like that." He finished, awkwardly rubbing the back of his head and looking bashful. 

"Its fine. It proves how tough his heart is." Shindo said, Bakugou scoffed at that. Another classmate of his ran up to Todoroki, asking for his autograph, to which he said, 

"Uhh…"

Another student just told her to stop fangirling. Minoru said hed be happy to sign something for the girl, she ignored him. A good idea.

"Hey. Get your costumes and head to orientation. There's no time to waste." Aizawa said, a resounding "yes, sir" from the class made you follow close behind him, holding your bag close. You heard Kaminari brag about being apart of a famous elite school, and winced. Man, did this kid forget everyone knew their quirks and they didn't know anything about anyone else? You all quickly made your way inside and changed. It was time for the exam. 

☆☆☆☆☆

You heard a groan, then "Okay then. Let's do this exam thing. I'm from, uh, the Heroes Public Safety Commission. Name's Mera. My Circadian Rhythm is so screwed up." He moaned out. "Ah, man." Damn he looked dead on his feet. "I've been swamped lately and I haven't gotten much rest. We're too short staffed. I'm so tired." He said, laying his head on his hand. "With that confession. I'll now begin orientation." You looked over at the students. Midoryia, Tenya and Ochaco looked a little worried for the man. Probably thinking he needs a break. "So, about the content of this license thing. Basically 1,540 examinees compete in a free-for-all exercise or whatever we're calling it this year." Mera said. You could hear Hanta complaining about the lack of information. But Mera continued, "See. We've got a lot of pros around, and since Stain was arrested, many people've expressed doubts about the status of heros in society." You winced, vaguely recalling what Toshinori told you about Stain's convictions before you started avoiding him. "But, when you really think about it, getting paid makes sense. If you're going to risk your life to save someone, why shouldn't you ask for a reward, huh? That's just the way the world works. God, I could use a coffee. Anyway, whether they're in it for compensation or out of a sense of duty, we've got too many beros working together in the streets these days to keep villains at bay. Honestly, the time between an incident begins and when it's resolved is ridiculously short. You are all here trying to receive your provisional licenses, minus one, who is renewing theirs. So you'll be swept up in this tiresome mess yourselves pretty soon." Almost everyone startled at the "minus one" part of his speech, the exception being the students of class 1-A along with Yoarashi, you almost groaned. "Those of you who don't have the speed, frankly, just won't cut it." He said looking down. "Which is why that's what you'll be tested on." He said looking up at the crowd. A board flashed on behind him showing 'Number to Pass 1st Test: 100 people' "The first 100 students to fulfill the requirements will pass today." You could hear Yaoyorozu exclaim how many students there currently were. You could feel their nervousness now. 

"You will do great. Don't panic about it." You said, voice quiet out of respect for Mera. They all looked over at you. You gave them a reassuring smile. "I believe in you guys."

"Well, the world can be pretty crappy. I suppose I should say something about luck." Mera said, still slouched over but standing. "So, anyway, here are the basic rules." He showed the everyone how the first test would proceed, explaining how you all would put on targets and they would have to be in an exposed area, and said each participant would have six balls made for this task so they could strike out the opponents. If all three targets are hit, they'd be out and to pass they had to take out two people. They passed out the materials and opened the arena. Talking about how they were sure that they all had an area where their quirks would work best. You looked over to the stands and saw Aizawa sitting with Ms. Joke. He looked so agitated, unfortunate for him. You quickly put on the three targets and grabbed your six balls. You weren't going to fail this. It simply wasn't an option. 

"Everyone!" Izuku exclaimed, "Stay close together. We'll fight them as a group." Ochaco nodded and Tenya said "got it." You smiled. Good. These kids would do fine. Bakugou left immediately, Kirishima and Kaminari running behind him. 

"I'm going on my own, too." Todoroki said. "Its hard for me to use my power safely when a big group's around." He ran off. Izuku quickly attempting to dissuade him. But you quickly followed behind him.

"Don't worry kids. I got him. He'll be fine!" You yelled, quickly catching up to the duel haired boy. "Todoroki! I can help you with controlling your fire!" You called out. He kept running ahead. "I know you might have a problem with me Todoroki, but I can help a little with your fire." You said, he slowed down to a stop, enough for you to catch up. He gave you an odd look.

"Water quirk, correct?" He asked. 

"Yes." 

"Thank you. For offering, I'll accept for now." He said. And you both began running again. Quickly coming to a steel labyrinth like arena. 

"So Todoroki, whats it like being related to that old man?" You asked, he startled, gave you a deadpan expression.

"Terrible." Was all he said in response, but it was the look in his eye that made you falter. You'd seen a look like that before. On Endeavor's face when you were young, and on your own before you were able to leave your own home situation. You didn’t joke with him about it again. Before either of you knew it, you both could hear that over 50 students have already passed and that 50 failed. It forced the two of you to move into action quickly. You two ran from the hiding spot you were in. 

"Todoroki look out!" You yelled, he quickly blocked the ball that was thrown at him, you did the same for the one thrown at you. Quickly slowing it down with water around you. 

"That was pretty good!" A student yelled, they were from Seijin. "Just what I'd expect from a runner-up of the UA Sports Festival. Not sure what to expect from you though." He said gesturing to you. Ten students, more than enough for the two of you. "The name's Todoroki, right?" He asked looking at the younger boy. You narrowed your eyes. "I can't believe you two are running around here like this, all by yourselves. You both must be really confident."

"Even if you both are from UA High, acting like this is just asking for trouble." Another student says.

"A ten-on-two fight. You two don't stand a chance!" Another yells out. You gave a look to Todoroki. 

"This is great." He said, turning to you. "Now we don't have to find opponents." He turned slightly and raised his right arm over to his face. You turned as well, left arm protecting your own face. 

The main Seijin student chucked. "Aren't you two cool." He says, then all of them are rushing you, balls flying in your direction. Todoroki uses the ice aspect of his quirk to block them while you do the same with your water. Then he quickly freezes their feet to the ground, also using the extra water you provided from your quirk. The other students gasp. Quickly exclaiming their outrage at being unable to move.

"You're surprised? I thought you said you watched the sports festival." Todoroki said, you smirked. 

"I am kind of an unknown though, Todoroki. They didn't know you could use my water." You said. The students were obviously scowling at you two, glaring. 

"Don't be cocky, were prepared!" The leader exclaimed, throwing something at you two, it quickly grew in size and you used your quirk to help Todoroki block the now giant object. You two gave each other a look. 'A quirk that makes things bigger.' "That's not all I brought with me!" He yelled again, throwing more objects. Todoroki's ice seemed to be at least a little stronger as you provided more water for him. You could see him question himself for a moment, contemplating. He turned to give you a look that said "wait to see if there are more." You nodded at him. Then the ice cover shattered, and you both saw a projectile coming toward you. He quickly fired at it, but it didn't stop. You were able to move him and yourself out of the way. The other student quickly escaped the ice trap Todoroki put him in. "Your fire won't work against any of my tools. Tungsten has a super-high melting point!" He yelled out, quickly throwing smaller projectiles at the feet of his allies. "I'm afraid I told you so, Todoroki. And you. Even if you two are the top UA students, if you think you can pass this exam with such a little group… Well, then, your pride will be your downfalls." He said, staring the two of you down.

"You fools." Todoroki said quickly aiming fire at the group. 

"Do it!" The other student yelled, two others jumped up and aimed at you two. Water based quirks, damn. You quickly created a barrier between you two using the water they provided to strengthen the flow covering you and Todoroki. You two jumped out of the way at the projectiles being thrown. "Keep attacking. Don't let up!" He yelled again. You two manage to get away, as steam filled the area as his flames met the water of the other students. You were both running, and he turned towards you.

"The Heroes Public Safety Commission must have constructed this factory to be as realistic as possible." He said. You nodded at him.

"Its why they told us to choose a terrain that would suit our style." You responded. He nodded in agreement. Then quickly held a flame. You two were on the same page then. You could hear the other student yell that you were found and to be surround by his allies. Todoroki quickly bend down, placing his palm on the ground and creating ice shards upwards towards a tank, he burst it and you two quickly made your way to a higher point and saw the other students shocked faces. Todoroki then aimed at the tank with ice piercing it and proceeded to light it on fire, as you two hid behind an ice barrier he created to not be blown away as the other screamed. 

"Well it looks like the commission kept the force of the explosion from being too damaging." Todoroki said as you two came out from the smoke. 

"You bastards."

"Apologies. But I simply cannot afford to fail." Todoroki said. You nodded in agreement.

"I really do wanna get back to hero work." You said simply. Their eyes widened.

"Its you! You're the one thats not just getting your provisional license!" One of them shouted, you smiled. 

"Yeah, I wish he didn't say that but it's alright." You said, grabbing a ball walking over to one of the other students quickly catching at least three of the students. "I believe you guys will be great heroes though. You all have got some seriously strong quirks!" You exclaimed as Todoroki quickly got his own points. "Just make sure to plan for something like that, just in case." You called out. Walking away with Todoroki. You could tell he was contemplating his quirk, probably thinking he should work to using both at once with more ease. You heard a beep and looked down at the area you put the targets.

"Students who have passed the exam should congregate in the anteroom. Chop, chop." The announcers' voice yelled out. You two quickly made your way to the waiting area. You saw the excitable student from earlier look over when you and Todoroki walked in. Though he was focusing more on Todoroki, you saw him glaring. It almost shocked you, but you already assumed from the look he gave earlier, that he didn't like Todoroki at all. You looked at the younger duel haired boy. 

"So Todoroki, the problem?" You asked, he looked slightly shocked. 

"You know the problem." He stated simply, you shot him a confused look.

"I obviously don't. If its something from before, I haven't been here for around 20 years, kid. It's kind of hard to keep up with grievances if I wasn't there." You said. He gave you a steady gaze. 

"My father, was not good to me. Nor to my siblings. I… don't wish to blame you. He's not a good man. But hearing you speak about him in such a manner. It's insulting to hear you say he's a good man." He states, he looks frustrated for a moment and you feel your heart soften,.

"Todoroki… the man that I knew, he was a good man. And if he's been acting like that..." You began, placing your hand on his shoulder before sighing, "We can have a further discussion after the exam about this, it'll be easier." He nodded in response.

"I'll be waiting then." He said. You gave your own nod before walking away, you really needed to rehydrate and eat something. This was going to be a long exam. 

☆☆☆☆☆

You found out all the students from Class 1-A passed when you met up with them. Exclaiming your own pride at the students. They all grinned widely. "I'm proud of you kids!" You said. Izuku, Kaminari and Minoru were talking to each other. 

"Oh, right. For the 100 of you who passed the first test, please turn your attention to the screen." You heard Mera say from the speakers. Everyone turned to face the screen. It showed different parts of the arena being destroyed. They all gasped in shock. "There's only one more round to the exam. Your goal is simple: undertake rescue exercises and save the bystanders who are trapped in these disaster sites."

"A rescue mission." Izuku says, his eyes taking on a determined look. You tried to ignore it. But he really did remind you of Toshinori in that moment, and you felt the sharp sting in your heart. Damn it. Ignore for now. You thought. He moved on, what did you expect after being gone for over 20 years? You shot another look in his direction. Izuku's mother… was a very lucky woman. 

"Use this time to show us how you will carry out successful rescue procedures once you receive your provisional licenses, again minus the one renewing theirs." He continued. "Treat this as though it were the real thing."

The students looking at the screen suddenly looked very shocked. 

"On the screen."

A gasp, "Little kids and old people?"

"That's so dangerous- why are they here?" 

Mera continued on, "These specialists have been trained as profesional "persons in need of rescue" they're very popular. Introducing the "Help Us Company," also known as HUC for short."

"So they're basically actors, I guess?" Sero questioned. You looked over and nodded in affirmation. 

"Its the kind of job you never think about." Tsuyu says.

"But a necessary one in our world, since they support our hero training." Mashirao finishes. You smiled. These kids… God how many times would you think this? They were going to be great heroes. 

"The HUC bystanders have dressed up like injured victims and will be located throughout the disaster site. We'll be judging how well you keep them safe as you go about your mission. Oh, by the way. We'll be scoring you on a point system. If you gave more points than the benchmark at the time the exercise comes to an end, then you pass the exam. We'll start in 10 minutes. Take care of any necessary preparations now." Mera finished. You could barely hear the conversation between Izuku and Tenya, them comparing the damage being shown to the one in Kamino Ward. Where All Might fought All for One for the last time. You didn’t know much about All for One, all you knew was that he was the one to send the villain that attacked that day, that he planned your demise. It was confusing though. Why did he want to kill you? At the time he was nothing more than the boogeyman of the hero world. You had no connection to him prior to that besides Toshinori, but even then no real reason to kill you. Maybe I should meet with that detective that found me after this.' You thought. 'I've been putting it off too long already. I'm going to find you Kotaro. I'm sorry I took so long.

☆☆☆☆☆

The exam was exhausting, way more exhausting than you remembered. But you supposed that was because you were bordering on being sleep deprived and running on nothing but your own willpower. And maybe a little spite but you're not really sure where that could be from so you just ignore it. You saw the students of U.A. interact with the other top school, you interacted with a rather... interesting young girl from there as well. Apparently she talked with Izuku and well Minoru and Kaminari didn't like that for some odd reason, neither did Uraraka but you could see why at this point. Her crush, was rather cute. As the test continued on you only felt pride, these students. They were doing well, saving the civilians from the wreckage, although Izuku no Deku had experienced a little speed bump in the beginning. You offered your healing expertise with the triage area, assessing the 'injuries' of the HUC. Then they threw all of them in for a loop. Villains. Not real ones of course but acting Villains. You quickly ensured that the others were able to collect the supplies and 'victims', following Shindo and quickly dealing with the sidekicks. But then you saw Gang Orca, the screech was jarring, it made you unsteady. So, you couldn't imagine how Shindo was feeling. He must have been paralyzed because you couldn't see him moving, he looked like he was knocked out too. You heard Deku yell out Todoroki's name and felt some relief, Gang Orca needed to stay well hydrated and Todoroki's quirk was perfect for this fight to dry him out. Then you saw the other students Ashido,Ojiro, and Tokoyami. You were glad for the extra help, but then you felt the wind pick up in the area.

"I'm gonna blow you evildoers away!" You heard Yoarashi yell.

It didn't matter at the moment, you had to evacuate these people from the area, you had to protect them.

☆☆☆☆☆

Taglist: @saratour, @yukiimanic, @theygottheircages, @itsallmightbitch, @toobsessedsstuff, @quirkyfandoms, @anxious-cat-with-cheesesticks, @traqicalromance, @waitwhatsrealityagain

#bnha #bnha fanfiction #Yagi Toshinori (All Might) x reader #one sided Endeavor (Enji Todoroki) x reader #I make the reader think Izuku is All Mights child and make her sad im sorry #i cant have just fluff #must have some sort of angst in there #I'm not creative #I literally rewatched episodes for dialog #thats also why this took kinda forever 😬 rip me

[alpha-bnha-boys]

AHH I LOVE YOU AND YOUR WORK SO MUCHH!! I’m glad request are open once again and I wanted to request for Midoriya, Todoroki, Shinsou, and Bakugou with the scenario of being drunk! Please and thank youuuuu

Hello my little love bug! I LOVE YOU TOO! And I’m so glad you like my work! (｡’▽’｡)♡ 

I just want to say that writing this was an absolute blast, and I couldn’t stop laughing as I wrote it! I actually made it last night (I actually had a few drinks myself, so I could get in the right mindset for it, of course), and edited it this morning! I wrote a scenario that involved all of them at a bar together- I hope that’s alright! And I hope you enjoy the tipsy boys and their shenanigans! o(^▽^)o

* Warning: Remember! Do not drink unless you are of legal drinking age! Being drunk seems fun, but it is not good to drink in excess 

 (yes I am a hypocrite).

* Disclaimer: This scenario is written assuming that all characters are of legal drinking age.

                     🍺 MIDORIYA 🍺

This kid has maybe been to one bar in his life, and that’s only if you count AppleBee’s. However, if he and his friends did go to one, he would probably would order a Mojito (he didn’t know what to get so he just went with the bartender’s recommendation and ended up liking it).

TOLERANCE: Slightly Low.

I mean, he can hold his alcohol well, he just can’t hold that much of it.

I mean this is Deku we are talking about.

He isn’t exactly going home and downin’ spirits on the regular.

KIND OF DRUNK: Emotional Rollercoaster Drunk

I don’t mean he’s crying the whole time, I mean: whatever his current state of mind is- it is amplified by the alcohol.

If he’s a little worried, then suddenly he’s in the utmost depths of anxiety and depression.

If he’s happy, then suddenly he’s the HAPPIEST man to have EVER lived EVER!

If he’s upset, then suddenly he’s READY TO THROW FUCKIN’ HANDS, PUNK.

Basically, he’s just all over the place.  

Midoriya: *happy as a spring-chicken*

[Friend]: Buddy! I’m glad you’re feeling better! You were so down a few minutes ago, what happened? Did you get some good news?

Midoriya: *very enthusiastic* Somebody told me the peanuts are free! 

[Friend]: Wha-? What do you mean?

Midoriya: I mean THE BARTENDERS ARE BASICALLY GIVING AWAY FREE PEANUTS! It’s AWESOME!

[Friend]: *visibly confused*

                   🍺 TODOROKI 🍺

To Shouto, bars tend to be more of annoyance than anything else, so he tends not to go to them. However, he will go if invited. He would order a Long Island Iced Tea (the ‘give me a splash of everything’ drink).

TOLERANCE: High.

Drinks at home regularly, but not excessively.

I mean, can you blame him? If I had Todoroki money I’d be splurging on some high quality booze too.  

Crown Royal? Grey Goose? CHILD’S PLAY. How about Remy Martin’s Cognac, Talisker Scotch-Whisky, or Rhetoric Orphan Barrel Straight Bourbon instead?

KIND OF DRUNK: Easy-Going Drunk

If he manages to drink enough to become intoxicated then you are in for a treat.

Because when Shouto is drunk, everything is interesting. Let’s talk about all the things (albeit a little slower than usual, and through slurs).

He wants to hear everything anyone has to say.

You want to talk about stag beetles for an hour? Shouto wants to listen to you talk about stag beetles for an hour.

Would be the one to start talking to the old guy at the bar, and intently listening to his life story.

Old guy: *goes on for an hour about his time in the war*

Shouto: So… what did you do? After the war ended?

Old guy: Well, it’s funny you should ask…

Old guy: *goes on for another hour*

Shouto: *completely content*

                    🍺 SHINSOU 🍺

He really doesn’t like bars, and will do everything in his power to avoid them. Bars are expensive and everyone is annoying. But if dragged to one by his friends, he will order a Black Russian.

TOLERANCE: High.

Drinks at home regularly, but not excessively.

He likes to keep it simple by just adding vodka to whatever is in his fridge.

Orange juice and vodka, lemonade and vodka, RedBull and vodka, the possibilities are endless.

KIND OF DRUNK: The Cuttin’ Loose Drunk

If he gets drunk, he’s still himself, just more fun-loving and care-free.

“Everyone probably thinks I’m a villain” Shinsou turns into “Guys, there’s a cat outside!” Shinsou.

In addition, he is a bit gigglier than usual.

Drunk Kaminari trips and Shinsou just cracks the fuck up and doesn’t stop laughing for like 15 minutes.

Also, he kinda just wants to go do something fun (subconsciously still trying to get out of the bar).

Shinsou: *with hazy child-like excitement* Guys, we should go play mini-golf!

THE BOIS: *PRACTICALLY SCREAMING IN THE BAR* FUCK YES!!! PUT-PUT!!!

Everyone: *Proceeds to go play mini-golf for 5 FUCKING HOURS before finally getting their drunk asses through the course ONCE.*

                    🍺 BAKUGO 🍺

In his opinion, bars are stupid, but he does enjoy watching or participating in the fights. As you might have guessed, he would order a Bloody Mary, but he would also order Flaming Dr Pepper shots for everyone later on.

TOLERANCE: Average.

Doesn’t do a lot of drinking in his down time, but has done enough to have a standard tolerance.

Basically only really drinks at get-togethers or social events.

In his defense, it’s hard to drink much of anything when you’re yelling all the time.

KIND OF DRUNK: Force of Nature Drunk

Is an unstoppable force.

Takes bold and boisterous to a whole new level, saying whatever is on his mind (like he normally does, but with less hesitation, and without holding ANYTHING back).

Will say with unwavering sincerity whether or not he hates someone or loves them.

Also asks everyone to fight him, and gets frustrated when no one does.

Is the one that starts fights with inanimate objects.

Bakugo: *trying to square up, but swaying a little bit* YOU THINK YOU CAN IGNORE ME, BITCH!? YOU WANNA FUCKIN’ GO!?

The Bois: *half of them laughing their asses off, the other half dead serious* You tell that fountain statue, buddy! Kick its ass!

Bakugo: *Proceeds to power smash the fountain statue to smithereens*

The Bois: FUUUUUUCK-

I hope you all enjoyed the shit show, and that maybe it made you laugh! (*≧∀≦*) And I hope it was all you hoped it would be Anon! (*＾v＾*)

     xoxo,          Mama Smutsy  ✾(〜 ☌ω☌)〜✾

 ~ P.S. I am going to get to as many requests as humanly possible as efficiently as possible, so please don’t think that if I don’t respond right away that I’m not going to fill your request! MAMA WON’T LEAVE YOU HANGING (It just might take a while for her to get to it). Thank you all for your patience! ♡ ~

#BNHA #My Hero Academia #Boku No Hero Academia #MHA #BNHA boys #BNHA Bois #BNHA Bakugo Katsuki #BNHA Bakugo #Bakugo #Bakugo Katsuki #BNHA Midoriya Izuku #BNHA Midoriya #Midoriya #Midoriya Izuku #BNHA Deku #Deku #BNHA Todoroki Shouto #BNHA Todoroki #Todoroki #Todoroki Shouto #BNHA Shinsou Hitoshi #BNHA Shinsou #Shinsou #Shinsou Hitoshi #Drunk BNHA #BNHA Imagines #BNHA Scenarios #BNHA blog #Mama Smutsy #Smutsy

[baepsaetan]

Banner by @thebannershop​

Summary: In a futuristic age where a person can be coded and inserted into a new body, the rich can live forever. Born to a wealthy family, Jin expects to live life at a lofty and uncaring height. His expectations go awry when his body is murdered and a small gang steals his ‘stack’ and resleeves him in a criminal. Thrust into a gritty, neon world far below his life as an immortal, where death can be Real, Jin will discover truths that challenge his perceptions and make him wonder what - if anything - immortality is worth.

Chapters:  pt. 1, pt. 2, pt. 3, pt. 4, pt. 5, pt. 6, pt. 7  -> read on Ao3

Genre: Altered Carbon Fusion, Science Fiction/Futuristic, Slow Burn, Smut, Angst, Murder Mystery

Warnings: Shifting PoVs (primarily Jin), minor character death, abuse, torture, gangs, drug addiction, drug use, references to depression, body dysphoria, animal death, swearing, smut in future chapters

Length: 2k

A/N: I want to emphasize that the beautiful banner is done by Rose at thebannershop, please head her way and give her some love! Just as a heads up, this is going to be a real long haul project - we’re talking 20+ chapters. Hope you all enjoy. :) 

 ---

The person sitting across the table is nothing more than grease on a squeaky wheel, yet Hoseok finds himself personally disliking the man. For one, he keeps making small, covert gestures, leaning over the desk with watery blue eyes, pitching his voice low as though he were sharing a secret Hoseok should be honoured to receive. There’s nothing honest about his too-pale face, his flickering gaze, his eager attempts to be ingratiating even as he lowkey insults the precinct and everyone in it.

It also doesn’t help that he’s being a pain in the ass. Hoseok’s smile doesn’t falter, though, even as he shifts, bouncing his feet under the desk.

“The Kim family,” he repeats for what feels like the fiftieth time and is probably closer to the fifth, “has no legal claim over Seokjin’s body or stack. He was found outside of their home. Further, there is simply no reason for them to be in control of him at this time. I understand how distressing this –”

“Very distressing!” the man interjects, as though that were the point Hoseok had been making. “Very distressing, captain!” Each syllable is punctuated by a nervous, one-fingered tap on the desk, and Hoseok needs to supress his neurochems from flaring up with every tap. “Mr. and Mrs. Kim are absolutely distraught. To have their child back, to know that he is in safe keeping, that would do wonders for their emotional states.”

Idly imagining foisting this man off on one of his lieutenants – not that he ever would – Hoseok brushes back his black bangs, keeps his voice pleasant. “He’s being kept in our most secure storage area, Mr. McCall. We have very rigorous security measures.”

The lawyer’s eyes dart around the small, tidy office, his lips pursed. Hoseok knows it doesn’t look like much. Truth be told, it’s not. But the skeptical implication of that gaze – that Hoseok’s people aren’t good enough – has his own mouth tightening, aching to pull into a frown. He indulges himself for a moment and lets his neurochems activate, pulsing with lightning reassurance through his nervous system and bringing everything into bright focus. It’s a heady sensation, the flood of a potent cocktail of chemicals, difficult to let go, and he could just keep them going, just keep riding that rush…

But he won’t. Not at work. That’s the promise. Hoseok shuts the drugs down, and doesn’t let the resulting plummet show on his face.

Mr. McCall clears his throat, unaware. “Well… yes. But the Kim family have the means to set up an invested, careful and personal watch over Seokjin. They would spare no expense, whereas your department…” Another quick look at the room, hands brushing over the faded wood of Hoseok’s desk. “Your department surely does its best with what it has,” the lawyer finishes.

Fucking Meths, Hoseok thinks, and now his grin is really being threatened – maybe using his chems hadn’t been a great idea. He’s always been a strong believer in smiles being better than whips to get people to do things, but in this case… damn, theories are being tested. He’d rather be laughing any day, and his officers respond to it better than marine-sergeant shit, yet Hoseok can’t help but wonder if slapping on a glare wouldn’t get rid of this man more quickly.

Mr. McCall notices the change, either from simple perception or, much less likely, some kind of basic empathy implant, and a good deal of his fawning disappears. “Captain,” he says, again leaning forward, “truth be told, this is a mere formality. Between you and I, the Kims will have their son back. Either they will get him from you, and be in your debt…” He trails off meaningfully, and Hoseok, jiggling one leg to try to get rid of his irritated energy and the remains of his chem dose, doesn’t reply. Better to make the lawyer say it out loud, get it all out in the open. He’s recording this conversation, anyways.

“Or, they’ll go over your head to someone better suited to deal with a situation of this nature.”

Hoseok can’t help it. He stands up and straightens his black uniform, all in one easy, graceful movement that doesn’t quite mask how angry he is. Yeah. Neurochems were the best invention since God in terms of combat, but they sure as hell don’t help his temper much. “I hope your clients will be able to find someone better suited, Mr. McCall. I don’t think they will, but we can always hope. In the meantime, though, I have a precinct to run.”

“So you won’t take this murder seriously? You have better things to do?”

“I take all murders very seriously. Particularly when the victim’s parents won’t allow us to spin them up to testify. That’s pretty serious, the way I see it.”

McCall bristles. “I don’t know what you’re implying, but Mr. and Mrs. Kim are very devout persons. While they have no compunctions about switching sleeves to maintain their longevity, they view uncontrollable events – such as the very unfortunate case with Mr. Seokjin – as an act of the Almighty. They can in no way jeopardize his soul by –”

“I’ve got the pamphlets; the Neo-Cs show up at the precinct often enough. You don’t need to quote their beliefs at me.”

The lawyer gets to his feet with forced calm, and that’s enough to get a sincere smile back on Hoseok’s face. Bluster and threaten all he wanted, McCall’s family wasn’t one of the big three Meth families, long established and running everything in Triptych on a leash. They were going to have to call in more than a favour, or two, if they wanted Seokjin’s body back, and in the meantime…

Well, in the meantime, Hoseok would be very interested to know just who had killed Seokjin. He would also be very interested in finding out why his family, who refused to give him a new life in a shiny new body, still wanted him back so badly.  

Yeah. And in the meantime, until Hoseok got an official letter signed by the higher-ups, or God Himself, Kim Seokjin was staying right where he was, stack, sleeve, and maybe even soul, too.

---

About six hours later, long after the Meth dog had slunk out of his office and long after his shift was officially over, Hoseok was in the breakroom, joking with one of the newest squad members. “What, you thought the captain was allowed to leave the station? These bars,” he plucks at one of the rank insignia pinned neatly to his jacket, “will electrocute me if I try.”

Jaemin’s eyebrows furrow briefly, and Hoseok knows why he’s hesitating. You don’t get to be captain without getting a reputation, and his reputation isn’t exactly soft. The recruit is wondering if it’s safe to joke, safe to loosen up. Hell, of course it is. They’re in the damn breakroom.

“Yeah,” Hoseok continues offhand. “There’s a reason I made captain at my age. Last captain wanted to leave the station and, well, he tried and he fried. Insta-promotion, y’know?” He laughs at his own joke, loud and sudden. That scares the hell out of Jaemin, the black-haired man rocking back in his chair, but it gets him to offer an only-slightly shaky smile, too – better than nothing.

Tanesha shuffles into the room, looking half-dead, her curly black hair a frizzy halo around her drawn face. He can’t really blame her; not everyone’s a night person, himself included, and The Curve isn’t exactly the quietest precinct in Triptych. He slips out of her way as she stumbles to the coffeepot – she sniffs at it, grimaces, shrugs, and then pours herself a cup. The best tech minder in the business is not exactly picky when it comes to her caffeine high.

Not that he can judge when it comes to being picky about highs. His skin prickles at the thought.

Leaning against the table, nose almost buried in the mug – like she’s hoping the scent alone will give her a jolt – Tanesha asks, “What’re you still doing here, captain Jung? Thought you had afternoon shift.”

“Afternoon, night, morning, I got ‘em all.”

“Please,” she snorts at his grand announcement. “Even you don’t have that much energy.” Suddenly glancing at Jaemin, the tall woman raises an eyebrow. “He been feeding you that bullshit story about being trapped here?”

“Uhh… no?” the new recruit answers, cautiously side-eyeing Hoseok. Hoseok flashes him a thumbs up.

“Please.” Tanesha snorts again, leaving off her coffee long enough to gesture with the mug at the captain. “Don’t let him impress you too much. Just remember, only reason he can do fifteen-hour days is ‘cause he’s outfitted with enough hardware to run a small planet into the ground. Neurochem, internal board, ONI, amplifiers, you name it and he’s got it. Almost a robot, that one.”

With a sharp bark of laughter, Hoseok doesn’t let the sting of that comment enter his voice. “Aish, you won’t let me brag, huh?” It’s not like I asked for all of these.

“You only get to brag when you deserve it,” his lieutenant replies. Somewhat unexpectedly – maybe for Jaemin’s benefit – she adds, “Besides, you deserve it so often, I have to work to cut you down when I get the chance.”

“Your hard work is appreciated,” he says solemnly, managing to remain deadpan for about four seconds. Then her round face scrunches, unimpressed, and façade cracking apart into another chuckle, Hoseok continues more seriously. “But Lieutenant Adebayo is right. I don’t expect any of you to pull long shifts like this. I get away with it because –”

The lights die, plunging them into dark and cutting off his words like a curtain dropped too soon. Suddenly an alarm is blaring from his ONI device, so loud that it completely drowns out Jaemin’s startled cry and Tanesha’s swearing. He claps his hands over his ears in pained reflex even as his eyes adjust, forcing back the dark, but it obviously does nothing to block out the noise.

“Attention,” a cool, genderless voice announces directly in his ear. It alternates with the alarm. “Attention. Cortical shelf thirteen-forty-three-forty has been illegally accessed. Attention. Immediate action required. Attention. Permission to shutdown system?”

He’s already got his watch up, the display light shining brightly in the dark, and the second the on-screen permission request appears Hoseok jabs a confirmation to block all access to the shelves. “Adebayo, get the lights back on. Preferably ten seconds ago,” he snaps at their tech, and then he’s out of the room. Even as he moves, flinging himself around desks and moving easily by the officers stumbling around in the blackness – not everyone has an upgraded sleeve and upgraded vision like he does – Hoseok is cursing. Himself, the computer system, whoever the hell is hacking them –

And McCall. He’s definitely cursing McCall. Given the cortical shelf number, he has a feeling he’s going to be seeing the lawyer sooner rather than later.

Within about two minutes, he’s barrelled down the stairs into the basement, where the stacks are stored. Here, he doesn’t need his enhanced eyesight; the wall of small compartments glows a soft red, each occupied shelf accompanied by a light blinking just above it. The stack storage is run off a separate power source, the better to stop – well, to stop exactly this from happening. Hoseok stares for a long moment at the distinctly dead light over the shelf that his ONI is helpfully informing him is empty, before pulling up his watch. A few quick taps, and he doesn’t know whether he should be relieved, confused or just plain pissed off.

He definitely wants to take another hit of neurochems. Could anyone blame him for it?

After all, Seokjin’s ruined body is still in storage, but his cortical stack is gone.

#namjin #namjin fanfic #networkbangtan #my fanfic #altered carbon #namjoon #jin

[dancinginadaydream]

ANGSTY DRACO AND HARRY HEADCANONS ((TW))

so im writing this with caution. these are some *really* sad and possibly TRIGGERING headcanons for some. but they've been bouncing round my head for days (i fckn thrive on angst and sad shit) so i wanted to share.

triggering themes to be aware of before reading ARE:

alcohol abuse

drugs; cocaine misuse

eating disorders; anorexia

self-harm; cutting

suicidal ideations 

imprisonment 

hints at abuse

rough sex

if any of these topics trigger you, i urge you to use your own judgement and exercise caution. please do not read these headcanons if you fear they will trigger you and/or you cannot read things like this. i have given you all these warnings so they don't just appear out of the blue. I have added the keep reading option so that nobody sees them accidentally. The last thing I want is for people to be triggered by even having to scroll past and catching a glimpse of it. Please take care of your mental health! 

most of these are headcanons for draco because i just fckn love draco and think about his life more than any other characters. 

ive put a lot of thought into these. ofc i accept constructive criticism and would be happy for healthy debate if anyone disagrees with any of my hc's!  

DRACO MALFOY:

draco suffers from anorexia. as a slytherin, he desires control over situations (particularly his own). however, his entire life has essentially been mapped out for him and he has lost a lot of his control over his life. as a result of this, when he was around thirteen and had a little more control over his outward appearance, draco started to obsess over his body image. nothing was every quite right. he decided to take control over that and make it to his vision of perfect. so he didn't eat unless he absolutely had to, or he was in important company and his father told him he had to keep up appearances, and even then he would go for a jog and feel ultimately guilty for it afterwards. this ended up worsening during his sixth year of school. all draco wanted was to have some control and often it felt that the only control he truly had was his body image,

draco was imprisoned in azkaban for a year following the trials and the war. it doesn't sit right with me that the malfoys got it lightly, they still did wrong. but draco was only imprisoned for a few months to a year to set an example and to teach him a lesson. he then spent two years on probation/parole. of course he knew that he'd done wrong, he accepted the punishment and it nearly destroyed him,

following his imprisonment in azkaban, draco pretty much changed his entire perspective- he smeared the feared malfoy name according to his father. draco became an activist for muggles and muggleborns, supporting hermione in securing more rights for them. he had intense amounts of guilt for what happened and his imprisonment made him realise that. he had a lot of time to reflect on the man he knew he should become,

after azkaban, draco essentially looked like machine gun kelly. he got a nose piercing, he covered himself in tattoos (mainly to distract from the dark mark on his arm) and he tended to kick about in muggle clothes (like a baggy jumper, hoodies, skinny jeans, doc martens, converse etc). of course that would all settle down as his anger towards his father and family settled. it was an initial act of rebellion to what his family stood for that he didn't agree with,

despite trying to do good in the world and support hermione in her multitude of causes, draco was still haunted by the ideals he grew up with. so he turned to drug abuse, namely cocaine, to distract his mind and still feel a buzz instead of depression. the cocaine addiction also becomes part of his anorexia, leaving him without food because he feels he doesn't need it,

throughout school, draco was a self-harmer. he would cut his thighs to have some form of relief. the reasons for this were almost always depression, but were triggered by individual events such as; not getting a perfect score on an essay (fear of punishment from his father), the issues with his body image, the forceful nature of his parents, the rise of the dark lord, dealing with his sexuality (i see draco as exclusively gay, but tries to be heterosexual for his family's sake and that has a lot of issues within itself). the self-harm subsided after azkaban and when he'd discovered the effects of cocaine (which could be argued that his addiction to coke was in itself an act of self-harm).

basically, no one punishes draco more than himself for his role in the war

HARRY POTTER

harry's never had a normal, easy life. he's either been abused by his aunt and uncle, or he's been fighting the dark lord and his goonies for the entirety of his school career. so after the war, things are settled for him. he's famous, he's being handed things for free, he's got the job he wanted, but he's not happy. because most of his formative years he was constantly fighting to make the wizarding world a better place, the sudden calm and quiet post-war has caused him some major depression issues. this it not to say harry wasn't depressed and anxious before, it's merely been amplified post-war. after the war he experiences feelings of worthlessness and paranoia. he's both ready and not ready to fight again. the world isn't the same and he's not settling well into the new way of living, the calm. his feelings of worthlessness accumulate and harry's friends and family are essentially on suicide watch for a few years post-war. they're worried that harry is going to kill himself. not only is harry suffering with feelings of worthlessness, he has survivors guilt. so many people died in the war and he blames himself. he should have been the only death, in his opinion. he's stubborn so won't believe any of his friends when they say that it's not his fault they died. he's attempted suicide a few times when the survivor's guilt gets too much and due to this he cannot live alone, his friends always have someone with him,

harry becomes an alcoholic post-war. its his way of dealing with things. he rely's heavily on alcohol for the feeling of numbness. it started out, in his opinion, as harmless fun but he became reliant on it. it becomes a problem and on top of his  suicidal ideations, his friends are unbelievably worried. they eventually manage to get him into rehab and he becomes sober, but then he turns his self-depreciation onto something else,

sleeping with draco began as a way of releasing anger and sexual tension. they started sleeping with each other after meeting at a wizarding club - draco was coked out and harry was drunk (probably on something too). their sex started in club bathrooms, anywhere dirty and messy because they just didn't care. then when they eventually went somewhere with a bed (hotel room, one of their flats), the sex became angry and was extremely rough (choking, spanking, scratching, slapping, hair pulling). the type of sex they had was bordering destructive as a result of their pent up anger at the world and each other. but after both of them became sober from their addictions, they continued seeing each other and it blossomed into something special and caring. of course they still had rough sex, but they had plenty of aftercare instead of a rough fuck and go,

not entirely related to the headcanons, can be separated or go hand in hand, but transgender harry potter. imagine harry growing up known as "the girl who lived" and it caused a lot of dysphoria growing up in a world being reminded that he wasn't cisgendered. he came out and the majority of hogwarts was accepting (even draco, he may be a dick but not that much. he would stop bullying harry using she/her pronouns and then use he/him). imagine harry constantly being reminded that he was the girl who lived. after the war, they started coining him as the boy who lived, but there were still pockets of people who refused to accept him as trans.

basically, the reasons i have these headcanons is because i don't think draco or harry would be entirely okay afterwards. they suffered a lot of trauma in the years leading to, during, and post war. that would have massive effects on their mental health and there's no way they would continue being arrogant and cocky - internally at least. they could be that way externally as a result of their trauma, anger at the world, and the need to make people believe they haven't been affected as much.

#draco malfoy #harry potter #draco #malfoy #harry #potter #angst #drarry #wizarding world of harry potter #punk draco #suicidal harry potter

[worryingthing]

Illuminati Hotties - Frequent Letdown

I was thinking of a little project, to maybe help pull me up, or maybe center me, stear me a bit off of the course of nihilist depression I’ve been on. A meditation of sorts, through the Tarot, if and when I feel like it. Writing helps me sort my thoughts, usually? It’s the start of Leo season and I feel squirmy about that because I feel the opposite of my worth and the complete void of confidence lately. It’s almost August and I’ve been to the beach one time!! and even then it felt like risking our lives potentially? to be nourished, by the sea, the thing I extremely desperately need to wash away all the crowding stray thoughts and sneaky trauma that has settled in comfortably during this time of quarantine. I haven’t been on the Subway since March 13th. I’m unemployed, not playing music at all, and struggling not to be disappointed when I wake up dreading every day. So, a little exercise I guess? The song is there because I like it and that’s how I feel. I listened to it while I shuffled and drew my card. For the curious I am using the classic Smith-Waite tarot deck, I like the clarity of traditional decks’ imagery. It tells a story well. 

For this first entry I pulled the Ace of Pentacles. It looks like a hand from a Monty Python illustration is floating out of a cloud and holding a big coin, which has a star in the center.  Pen-TA-CULLS . I know this suit represents the earth signs, money and all, right? I’m a Taurus sun and rising and no one is surprised. Anyway this card has the floating hand and it’s coin and it also has a garden underneath, and the garden has what look like tall lilies blooming, and then there is a hedge with an archway, and the hedge has red flowers or leaves, and the archway gives way to a view of a pale blue mountain. There is a little worn path that leads to and through the arch. There is grass and growth and lusciousness and what I sense from this card is its statement of possibility. Let’s check Biddy Tarot though:

No matter the occasion, the Ace of Pentacles heralds a sense of prosperity and abundance in the material or financial areas of your life. It undoubtedly comes as a welcome invitation – but it is not a free ride. As with all Aces in the Tarot deck, this card illustrates the possibility of a new endeavor but does not guarantee its manifestation or success. That piece is up to you.

Ok, so full disclosure, a while ago my friend and I talked about illustrating a tarot deck where cards would be paired with songs. We began outlining the project but then, of course, life happened. So forgive me if this exercise constantly brings me back to song, but that is the realm of my old self that my present self just sort of woefully drags around like a deflated homunculus. Anyway this reminds me of (course!) of Springsteen. In truly the most devastating call out I’ve ever felt encountered in lyric form:

You can hide 'neath your covers And study your pain Make crosses from your lovers Throw roses in the rain Waste your summer praying in vain

Ok, so Biddy Tarot also says this: See the Ace of Pentacles as your ‘green light’. It marks the initial stages of manifesting your goals and assures you that you can truly achieve what you have set your mind to do. The world is your oyster and, through careful planning and determined effort, you can manifest your goals and desires. Your ideas are ready to turn into something tangible and real! This card encourages you to map out how you will achieve your ambitions, create targeted plans and get those actions underway. Keep your eyes open for chances to manifest your goals and realise your inner potential.

To be quite honest I wasn’t expecting this much of a doozy with my first pull for this weird, blog accountability thing I made up. But then the next verse of the song goes on to say: Well I got this guitar, and I learned how to make it talk.

Which is of course, abstractly, a goal of mine. I’d love to get good enough to pen a few jangly tunes. I know I could do it? but also I’ve no idea how to continue with music after everything, but I do miss it, and lately I’ve been lusting after a reasonably priced mini amp. I also need actual life direction, which is a huge bummer, and frankly too much to consider in the midst of a pandemic where everyone I know is lucky to even be employed, or alive, at best. D also wants to get out of this country, and who can blame him? It’s so hard to think about now though, what would I be losing? the friends I can’t see, the trains I can’t take, the live music scene I’m unsure will ever recover? 34 is an odd weird year to lose to nothingness this way. Everyone just wants me to have a baby. and i want a single fucking hour of peace and alone time, and to learn all of my favorite guitar riffs without being absolutely overcome by grief of missing the music community I formerly took part in (That’s not all I want, obviously, but I could really use everyone else getting a grip about telling me I need to procreate!!!). ANYWAY the tarot further says: 

This Ace signifies abundance in all areas of your life. Enjoy it! Feel blessed and deserving of everything that comes your way. If you wish to amplify this feeling of prosperity, live by the Law of Attraction and send your positive energy and intent into the Universe so you will receive more in return.

I am pretty sure I can do that. I sent a friend chocolate this week. I have donated variously when I can to places in support of protests and bail funds. I did some yoga today and then did an online figure drawing session, which was me directly trying to make time for myself. I made bread last night and then baked it this afternoon and ate some for dinner as a broccoli melt.  and now I am doing this. I made space for myself and made myself be thankful. I am taking myself by the scruff and forcing my face into the food bowl of existence and making myself appreciate it, even when it has felt excruciating. I’m treading water when I want to be laying down under the waves and merging with the silt. I don’t know. Maybe this will help or maybe I’ll abandon it. It probably would have been smarter to do a spread and not just one card? But a new season? and whether mockingly or not this card seems to feel I have an opportunity to rise to and meet? 

#july #tarot #tarot diary

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 31/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 4k (103k total) rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: As always, immense thanks to @obsessivelymoody for beta’ing!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

They settle into bed that night with no intention of going to sleep.

Dan’s laptop is open, resting on his thighs. Phil propped up two pillows against the wall for him to lean against, his back and neck still tender from the pressure point test Dr. Kissel performed. The duvet is draped across his lap, his toes sticking out from the end of it. 

Phil stares at the screen over his shoulder. Dan can feel the warm puffs of air from his breathing against his skin.

He types fibro mialgia into Google. 

Its response is Did you mean: Fibromyalgia, just enough to have a quiet breath rumbling between Dan’s ribs. 

He clicks on the first link, a webpage from the Mayo Clinic. He’s pretty sure that’s in America somewhere. It probably doesn’t much matter. The top of the page tells him it’s believed to amplify painful sensations by changing the way the brain processes pain. He thinks that’s what Dr. Kissel said. 

Dan’s not entirely sure what fucked up pain processing is supposed to feel like, but he thinks this is probably it.

The next paragraph is about trauma, about how it sometimes triggers fibromyalgia. Dan tries not to let the fact that he doesn’t relate make his insides twist too much. 

Phil must be able to tell, because he leans in close and whispers, “It says ‘sometimes’.”

The one after that includes a list of other conditions that may be related. Dan reads it once, twice, three times before his gaze lingers on the last two. His stomach goes tight. He doesn’t realize his fingertip’s tapping his computer until Phil reaches over to grab it, snagging one of Dan’s hands and drawing it into his lap.

He doesn’t ask what Dan’s staring at. It’s probably obvious. 

Dan’s spent years trying to convince himself he definitely wasn’t depressed, that definitely wasn’t his problem, and now it’s splashed across the page again in the clearest of sans serif fonts. Dr. Kissel didn’t mention that one. He wonders how much of his chart she’s read, if she knew it would make him feel like this.

He almost shuts the laptop and gives up on research. Maybe he doesn’t want to know after all.

But then Phil reaches over and scrolls down for him, leaving the list of symptoms lighting up Dan’s screen.

Everything after that is overwhelming in a different way. There’s a lot of symptoms. A lot of possible treatments. Dan’s never considered most of them. Massage therapy sounds incredibly unpleasant. Acupuncture, too. Getting enough sleep sounds so implausible that Dan actually laughs, too loud, too sharp. 

The next page on Google is a lot of the same. So is the third, and the fourth. 

Exercise is mentioned a lot. Dan’s joints ache at just the thought of trying to go out for a run, at the memory of how painful it was just to walk to class back at uni, of how sick he used to feel after gym class back in school.

There’s a lot they don’t know about fibromyalgia, he learns. There’s no cure, no definitive answer on why things hurt. There’s a bunch of studies that show little abnormalities that might cause it but none of them agree and none are conclusive and Dan doesn’t much care.

He knows, finally. And there’s some stuff they do know.

It’s not fatal. It’s never fatal. Dan reads that bit out loud, because Phil’s sitting next to him, gaze tripping across the page just a bit slower than Dan’s. Dr. Kissel already told them that more than once. The extra layer of reassurance makes Phil lean in close, his body pressed against Dan’s side.

He dusts a kiss to Dan’s bare shoulder, soft, loving. 

There was a time when Dan might have been terrified by the prospect of a lifelong condition with no cure and no potential to be let out of his misery. It’s still scary now, not knowing what to expect for any of his future. But giving this up isn’t really an option anymore.

Phil lets go of his hand to wrap his arm around Dan’s shoulders instead, leaning in close so his head rests right above Dan’s collarbone. 

“I’m glad you have an answer,” he says. His voice has gone low and gravelly. 

He sounds tired. And he has to work in the morning. And Dan suddenly feels bad for keeping him up for so long with a cycle of redundant articles that say the same little bit of information in slightly different ways. He closes his laptop, scrolled only halfway down the page. 

“You’re not gonna keep reading?”

“I can read tomorrow,” he says. “Apparently I need to focus on getting enough sleep.”

Phil chuckles. He pulls away just enough slip down the mattress until he’s lying down. Dan tosses the extra pillow onto the floor and rests his laptop precariously on the corner of his bedside table before doing the same. He reaches out, draping his arm across Phil’s stomach, cuddling up against his side.

He can’t handle the pressure against his back tonight. Phil doesn’t seem to mind.

His palm settles flat against Dan’s ribcage, head dipping down. Dan looks up to meet his mouth in a quick kiss goodnight.

When he pulls away, he’s smiling.

---

Dan dreams of being old that night. 

He’s sitting in a mostly empty room with white walls and a sofa. There’s a blanket draped over him and an ice pack sitting uselessly atop his head. It’s just like his life now, except when he looks down, his hands are wrinkled and spotted with age. 

He wakes up. The room is still dark, hardly a touch of light filtering through Phil’s curtains. Phil’s still sound asleep, snoring softly.

Dan’s brain is echoing his nan’s complaints about how achy her knees were, the ones he could relate to when he was only fourteen. 

He swallows, presses himself tighter against Phil’s side, and stares at the window until he falls back asleep.

---

His chest is tight when he wakes up in the morning.

Phil’s not in bed anymore. There’s a note on Dan’s bedside table telling him Phil’s already gone to work. It has a silly little smiley face drawn in the corner. Dan’s laptop has been moved to sit on the chest of drawers instead, more stable there than where he placed it last night.

He sinks back against his pillow once he’s spotted it. His breath comes out as a sigh, his hand coming up to rub hard at the line of his sternum, as though that will ease the pressure there.

His knees crack when his climbs out of bed. There’s still a tingling, radiating sort of pain where Dr. Kissel pressed against his body, all down his legs and up along his spine. Some of them feel swollen, but when he rubs at the back of his neck, there’s nothing there.

Dan grabs his laptop and changes his pants before moving to the lounge.

He turns to look back before he leaves, hand gripping the door frame to steady him. The duvet is ruppled on both sides, a giant ball of fluff where Dan’s feet were. There’s a pillow on the floor and two pressed close together at the head of the mattress. Dan’s phone charger rests on his bedside table, plugged into nothing. 

Something spasms in Dan’s chest.

It takes him a moment to realize it’s anxiety.

---

The kettle is half full of water on the kitchen counter. There’s a smoothie in the fridge with a straw already sticking out of it. Phil left the cereal box out, plastic bag half poking out the top of it, and the cupboard door open overhead. Dan closes it as he sips at his breakfast.

He doesn’t turn the TV on this morning.

He drags his computer onto his lap and opens the article he’d left half read last night. He doesn’t finish it. There’s other things on his mind this morning than symptom lists he’s already read and collections of advice that only seems half effective.

Working with fibromyalgia, is what he types into Google today.

The first link is to a WebMD article. Dan clicks it without thinking much.

People can work with this, is the first thing Dan learns. It makes his chest feel funny, something half relief and half not blooming there. Keep working, is what the article says, and Dan tries not to think about the day he handed his resignation to Sue, body aching so much just getting there had been a hassle.

He fails. 

He thinks about it for so long that his vision goes out of focus, the article sliding into double. It snaps back into place when he blinks and scrolls down to the next part, too many lists of too many questions to address way too many problems. 

The advice is … a lot. It’s flexible work hours and working from home, extra equipment at work and less tasks. It’s finding a job that’s not too stressful and lets you sleep in, and one where you don’t need to do manual labour but can also survive when your brain isn’t working right.

Right in the middle of it, there’s an ad for some pill that starts with, Does your penis curve when erect?

Dan laughs. It’s only then that he realizes his throat’s gone tight and his eyes are stinging. His fingers are shaking over the keyboard when he jams the down arrow to read the rest of the page. It takes him too many tries to stay steady enough to click the arrow bringing him to the next one. 

Can I get disability with fibromyalgia? is its header. 

Dan almost forgets how to breathe. He doesn’t read it. He doesn’t go back to Google. He closes Chrome entirely and slams his laptop shut and tells himself it’s because the advice was about American law and not because his stomach suddenly really doesn’t like the smoothie Phil made more him.

A tear rolls down his cheek.

He stares at the blank TV screen until it falls off the bottom of his chin.

---

The lounge is full of both their stuff.

There’s a PlayStation and a Wii on the TV cabinet, above neat shelves lined with a shared collection of games. There’s two DS chargers plugged into the wall. There’s a stack of DVDs by the door to the balcony, Dan’s piled on top of Phil’s from when he first moved in.

The blanket Phil got him is draped over the sofa. Decorations he had before Dan moved in are all laid out on the furniture and hanging on the walls. There’s a throw pillow that used to live on the sofa that now sits in the corner of the room.

Dan thinks too much about how none of his A-levels or GCSCs will ever be enough to get him a job that would give him any of the things on WebMD’s list. 

And then even more about all the horror stories he’s heard about people living on benefits.

And then, once his chest hurts and pressure is welling at his temples, about how he doesn’t really have a choice but to need one of them if his body’s not going to be fixed.

It’s not. Dan expected that. He tries not to care. Part of him doesn’t.  

But the other part of him reminds him that Phil’s parents are still paying his part of the rent, echoes his mum’s warnings about leeching off Phil until tears are welling in his eyes once again. It pictures the people back in Wokingham who told him he’d never go anywhere if Dan didn’t learn to deal with a little bit of pain.

His brain flashes a quick image of being back there.

He reaches for his phone, just to distract himself. He ends up texting Taylor instead.

Dan: can you come over? i have news

Taylor: already on my way out the door

---

“You look less shit today,” is what she says when she opens the door. There’s a smile on her face, wavering just enough to let Dan know it’s her attempt to act normal. 

He doesn’t feel less shit. The post-appointment high has settled into something just as heavy and insecure feeling as before, just tainted with different memories, weighted with different fears.

“Yeah,” he says, “Well, stuff happened.”

He leads her to the lounge without explaining first. His body is achy and she knows he needs to be sitting down. When she settles down next to him, it’s with her whole body turned towards him, legs tucked under her and arm draped across the back of the cushions, like she’s waiting for something.

She doesn’t ask for it.

Dan takes a moment to steady his breath before saying, “I’m not dying.”

She chuckles, breathy and uncertain. “That’s good,” she says. “You better think it’s good.”

There was a day, back in at uni, when she’d tossed her textbook aside and said killing me would be less painful. And Dan, safe in the knowledge that she wouldn’t try to send him to a therapist, lest the advice be turned back on her, had admitted sometimes I wish I was dying just so I’d know the pain would end.

“It’s good,” says Dan. He turns towards her, offering a smile that actually feels genuine. “I have a diagnosis.”

“Oh!” She bounces on her knees. “And?”

“It’s fibromyalgia.”

She nods, just once, brows going a little furrowed. “Is it bad that I don’t know what that means?” 

Dan laughs. “Neither did I,” he says. “I reckon most scientists don't either, if Google is a reliable source.”

“Sounds accurate, if my quarter of a bio degree is anything to go off,” says Taylor. A smile quirks at the corners of her mouth. 

Dan’s not sure he’s ever seen her smiling when talking about those classes. It’s nice.

“Yeah, most of my old doctors confirm the theory,” he says, smiling too. “Dr. Kissel’s actually good, though.”

“Yeah?” says Taylor. “And this fibromyalgia thing, is it good?”

He shrugs. The anxiety from before burns in his chest again. His head tilts back against the sofa, and he watches Taylor’s brows furrow in concern. 

“Probably shouldn’t be. The symptoms are royal shit and there’s no cure and I don’t really know where to go from here,” he admits. “But having an answer? That’s good.”

A smile spreads slowly across her face, close-lipped and content. Dan watches her eyes flick between both of his, her head falling to rest against her open palm as she stares.

“I’m not gonna pretend to understand,” she says. “My diagnosis– I knew what was wrong, I just didn’t want to admit it, you know?”

Dan nods. He wonders if that’s one of the things she learned about herself in therapy, wonders how he never really saw it that way. Maybe because he couldn’t relate. He never felt like he knew what was wrong with him. Until now.

His heart clenches at that, eyes falling closed against the rush of anxiety-tainted relief that floods the already too-full space between his ribs. 

Taylor reaches over, resting a gentle hand on his shoulder. Her voice is quiet as a whisper when she says, “I’m so happy for you.”

He laughs. It comes out as a puff of air that sounds half like a sob, but it’s the best he can muster without actually breaking into tears. 

She must be able to tell, because she pulls away and settles back against the sofa. Dan counts his breath for a moment afterwards, until the steady rise and fall of his chest feels less fragile. When he opens his eyes again, Taylor’s staring up at the ceiling with him, lips still quirked up.

“You get to join me in the arduous process that is recovery now, you know,” she says. “Welcome to the dark side.”

Dan smiles. “Shouldn’t it be the brighter side?” 

“Hush,” she turns to him. Her smile’s reaching her eyes, like it rarely used to before. “I’ve been rehearsing that in my head for the last, like, two minutes, let me have this.”

When Dan laughs that time, it actually feels genuine.

---

Taylor stays for dinner. Phil invited her.

They eat around the coffee table. Taylor lets Phil have his usual spot next to Dan with a joke about how she’s pretty sure it’s morphed to their spines by now, and drags over a chair from the dining table instead. She tells Phil all about her new courses as they eat, a grin wide on both their faces.

Afterwards, they play a round of Mario Kart, because they can. Dan wins. Taylor comes in second this time, and Phil complains about how she’s never allowed to play with them again because, even if he can’t beat Dan, he can beat the computers. Usually.

Dan teases him with that last bit. He points out how often Phil ends up stuck in the item clusterfuck and, when he pouts in response, presses a quick kiss to his cheek. Because he can.

It feels normal. As normal as it can when, a few months ago, he and Taylor were playing this game on their DS’, miserable in Dan’s uni bedroom. 

So, not normal at all. 

Taylor’s laughs so much happy tears leak from the corners of her eyes. Dan has an answer for why his chest aches when he laughs too much. Phil reaches around him, and flattens a hand against Dan’s ribs when his breath catches around an exhale. 

He whispers a quiet one, two, three, against the round of Dan’s shoulder.

Dan leans his head back against the cushions again, and enjoys the company of the two people who will give him a second to steady the broken parts of his body without making him feel bad.

When he looks back up, he smirks at them both, and starts a round of Rainbow Road without warning.

---

The anxiety starts to come back when darkness falls. 

Phil leads him to the bedroom without a word. Taylor’s just left, the sky’s just starting to go dark. It’s been a long time since they last sat up and watched a movie late into the night, Dan realizes, but he doesn’t much mind. It means he gets to wrap himself in cozy blankets and rest his head on a fluffed up pillow and feel Phil’s arms around him.

He gets to reach up and chase away the tedium of the day with soft kisses pressed to Phil’s lips. 

Tonight, though, he doesn’t. His mind is too preoccupied by the time he slips under the covers. He stares up at the ceiling and tries not to think of all the long nights he spent with just his pain and his questions to keep him company. Days when the brush of his duvet was too much against his skin, when his pillow pressed too much against the back of his neck.

It’s because there’s tender points there. Dan knows that now. 

It doesn’t feel like he should.

He reaches out into the space between them and catches Phil’s hand over the mattress, squeezing once. 

“Can I ask you something?” he says.

“‘Course,” says Phil. He rolls over, so he’s curled up on his side facing Dan, head resting against the crook of his elbow.

Dan doesn’t look back at him. He feels weird when he asks, “You know that thing you made me do the other day? To get my thoughts out of my head? With my webcam?”

“Yeah,” says Phil. “Why?”

Dan swallows. Phil must be able to hear it, because he squeezes Dan’s hand, just for a second.

“Would you find it weird if I wanted to do it again?”

“Why would I find that weird?” asks Phil. He lets go of Dan’s hand, only to reach out and clumsily search for his fringe in the darkness. He swipes some curls away from his eyes. “I told you I used to do it, didn’t I?”

Dan shrugs. It’s awkward, with his pillow tucked right above his shoulders. “Yeah. Just feels weird.”

“Well, it doesn’t have to, if it helps,” says Phil. “Do you want me to set it up for you?”

Dan considers it. There’s comfort in the idea, a weird kind that soothes his mind into thinking Phil actually can’t find it weird if he’s willing to help Dan do it. But it’s getting late, late enough that Dan’s pretty sure if he peeked outside he could see the the flashing trails of airplanes over the city, and Phil worked all day.

“I think I can manage,” he says. “Pretty sure I haven’t forgotten how to use my laptop just yet.”

Phil laughs. His hand trails across Dan’s chest as he slips out of bed. When Dan turns to look back from the doorframe, the hallway light lets him see just enough to tell that Phil’s still curled up on his side, smiling.

---

He sets his laptop up on his pillows, with the grainy window of his webcam app filling the screen. 

The room stays silent for long seconds after he hits record. Dan adjusts his hair, all curly in the way he hates but can never spare the energy to fix. He fidgets around on his bed until his too-bony knees are out of shot and you can see the waistline of his pants so he doesn’t look naked.

Part of him wants to laugh at himself. It doesn’t matter. No one will ever see this. Dan doesn’t even think he’ll ever look back at it. 

He takes a deep breath, brings his fingers to his head, and says, “Hello internet,” just like last time.

And then he rants into the camera until he’s lost track of what he’s already said and isn’t sure any of it is making sense and the anxiety in his brain fades into some sort of mental fatigue. He’s lying down on his side because he lost the energy to sit up and his laptop clock is telling him it’s been over half an hour.

His hands are shaking when he reaches over to shut the recording off. Dan’s not sure when that started.

He’s not sure about a lot of things, he realizes.

Dan rolls onto his back, and stares up a ceiling that’s just like Phil’s but feels way less familiar until he musters the energy to hold his body upright again.

---

Phil’s still awake when Dan goes back to their room.

He looks up from his phone as Dan closes the door behind him and walks over to crawl into bed. He pulls the duvet over his body, right up to his chin, and curls up on his side. There’s a headache welling in his temples, and a heaviness lingering in his chest.

“Were you listening?” he whispers.

“No,” says Phil. He reaches behind him to set his phone down, sending the room dark, and then reaches out to tuck a strand of Dan’s hair behind his ear. “I don’t want to intrude.”

Dan hums. His eyes drift closed as Phil’s thumb traces small circles on his cheek. 

Part of him wishes Phil had overheard, so he could soothe Dan’s anxieties without him needing to ask any scary questions. Most of him just wants to hold Phil close and pretend he isn’t suddenly questioning the stability of his entire fucking life, of all the wonderful things in it.

So he does. He grabs Phil’s hand, and dusts a soft kiss to his palm, and then presses closer until Phil’s arms are wrapped all the way around him, holding him tucked against his shoulder in an awkward horizontal hug.

“Thank you,” he whispers.

Phil doesn’t respond with words. He just brushes a kiss to the top of Dan’s head and then, when Dan looks up, a second to his lips. 

And a third and a fourth and a fifth until they actually settle in to sleep.

#phan #phanfic #phanfiction #flares #dan and phil #callie writes words

[alwayshailing87]

It’s time I talk about this.

I created a new tumblr because no one needs to see the sock drawer of content on my older account. I’ll start fresh here.

I had contemplated writing a blog post for a while. There’s been so much weighing heavy on my mind that I just needed to get out to begin with. The decision to finally open up was sort of inspired by a friend’s social media post earlier this week. It touched on fears of abandonment, and anxiety. I felt the need to talk about my own fears. I’m coming to the realization that I’m in much greater pain than I let on.

2019 could have been considered a comeback year for me in a lot of ways. I committed to the fitness journey. I broke free from years of emotional abuse and manipulation. I found my spark again, my inner comedienne. I’ve expanded my circle and have some truly incredible friends at my side. I’ve connected with some genuine people that I’d love to keep in my life. Sky’s the limit, right?

As 2019 came to a close I recalled all of these victories, and yet it was the loneliest I had felt. It was the most...broken...that I had felt. I’m thankful for my mom and all of the hugs she gave me while I was home. There were nights during the Christmas season where I would just well up with tears because I felt so alone. She sort of chalked it up to me missing my grandparents, as I always do at Christmas. But I was too embarrassed to explain that there was more.

Circle back to the mention of emotional abuse. Without getting into dirty details, some of which are of my own fault, I was lured into a situation where a man I trusted took advantage of my heart and my mind. Freshly devastated from the sudden passing of my Grammy in 2013, he white-knighted his way into my world. Promises of protection, love, to “treat me the way I had always deserved to be treated”. He wanted to “tear down my walls”. Lots of that stuff that makes a depressed, vulnerable woman feel like someone gives a shit.

Months prior to this, I stared down a flowing Monongahela from the railing of the Birmingham bridge. I couldn’t do it, obviously. I was in rough shape mentally but asking myself over and over “what would happen to Sylvia” seemed to keep me from ending my life. To have someone essentially reach out a hand to you and vow to be your protector and love you, it would be insanity to not grab that hand and hold on with everything you have left.

He knew of the several times I had been ghosted, or stood up on dates. Blown off on dating sites, and just treated like trash in general. I’m a chubby girl who’s a few eons off from a model body. His whole act was to shower me with affection and I fell for every single fucking bit of it.

When I think back on this, I think of these words and phrases that were said to me: Soul mate. Gorgeous. Dream girl. The perfect woman. Best friend. The greatest thing that ever happened to me. And there was friendship. Laughter. Humor that spanned from highbrow to lowbrow and every terrible pun in between.

Stupidly enough I fell in love. And I loved fiercely, as I do with anyone I care about. I offered up my unwavering loyalty. See, the thing is...I’ve gone through my life dedicating myself to my loved ones as a fierce family member and friend. There have been so many times in my life where I felt alone or unwanted, that I vowed to make sure anyone who settled into my circle would never feel the way I have felt. This was no different.

As expected (and in retrospect, thankfully) this whole thing came crashing down. I found out I was one warm body out of multiple. And that’s when things for me started to deteriorate.

Being toggled back and forth between “I still love you” and “You’re one of the best things in my world” and “I don’t want you in my circle anymore” will eventually warp your mind. Even as a friend, the loyalty given due to the history was thrown out like a used sock. The memories and the bond meant nothing. I began to think I deserved it as punishment for the mistakes I’ve made in my life. Maybe I did or still do. In the aftermath of this, I was on suicide watch. To be outright rejected and shunned by the very person who vowed with everything he was to be THAT person for you, you wonder if you were ever worth anything at all. If your white knight tells you that he doesn’t care about you anymore, then maybe you’re just not worth any man’s time. That maybe you’re just not worth anything, period.

It’s weird now, being able to step out of a situation and say “hey, he was a piece of shit and all of this was toxic”, while also being pretty emotionally damaged because now you feel like any man who expresses any sort of liking towards you is lying. And when you feel fat and disgusting on a frequent basis, you’re highly skeptical of a good looking guy finding you attractive and not chasing some dime of a babe elsewhere.

In the time since I’ve freed myself from the bullshit, I’ve heard those similar words. Gorgeous. Perfect. Beautiful sassy funny and any word in between that makes me think a man might truly and whole-heartedly value a single shred of my existence. And while it feels wonderful, and hearing it makes me smile, my brain retreats back to the feeling of “He’s just saying that while he probably bangs or flirts with a bunch of other women. You know that you’re nothing compared to other smokeshows who are in his league”.

So when the messages go silent, or plans to go out on a date fall through, half of my brain says “he’s busy” or “things happen, it’s okay”, the other half gets back on its bullshit, and I assume the worst. Because it’s all I know.

All I know are lies. Just lies. Lies and excuses and half-assed answers and secrets. I don’t think any man has ever been proud to have me. And it’s brought me to this place where I feel alone and unwanted. It’s brought me paranoia and crippling anxiety. I’m scared of destroying the fledgling of a relationship(?) I have going because I have been so destroyed by lies that it’s so hard for me to believe people. And that terrifies me. The last thing I want to do is push someone away because I know that what I have to give in a relationship is pure and genuine. I try so hard to fight the irrational fear and BELIEVE what is being said to me. Even now I’m a crying mess as I type this, because the one I’ve been talking to...I can’t begin to express how I felt when I saw his huge smile in real time. It was a smile that completely took my breath away. It was a smile that was so genuine and it brought me pure joy when I saw it.

That kind of joy, those “butterflies” that someone feels in moments like that? I felt it. For a while I wasn’t sure if I could feel anything like that again. I think of that smile and I grin to myself all over again, and yet my heart sinks because I’m scared that it will disappear for someone better. Because I am always the second or third choice...or just not the choice at all.

For some reason the holidays just amplified the loneliness. I think of curling up with my someone at Christmas and enjoying the warmth and the lights. I’ve wanted that for so long, and I’m so tired of being alone. I’m just tired. I’m tired of feeling like I’m not worth a man’s honesty or time. The fear and worry that I’ll be told to get lost by someone I care about - again - is like a vice grip in my chest. Sometimes it’s hard to breathe. Sometimes tears just flow out of my eyes and I’m not even moving. It’s not just a fear of losing someone you genuinely want in your life, but it’s also the fear that the devil in your head is right; that you really are ugly, worthless and unwanted.

And I know the only way I can begin to combat it is therapy. There’s zero shame in admitting that I need to go back. My therapist helped me through the first phase of healing form the toxicity and abuse. But now I need to learn to handle the constant fears of abandonment. I tried to fight it for the last couple of months but I just can’t do this on my own. I just want to heal. There are so many parts of me that are strong and grounded, and I feel like this is the one piece of me that still hasn’t recovered from the trauma.

I’ve been told never to apologize for my fears and my trauma because it was, and is real, but I still feel a need to express some level of remorse because this is not the best version of me. I don’t take pride in the reactions I’ve had. I can only humbly ask for patience as I work through this.

[little-dragon-stories]

Everything happens for a reason

Part 19: drunk with Joonie boy

Warning: y/n is annoying, I know. I tried to stop her from drinking before she makes a fool of herself but she didn't listen to me. What could I do? 😂🤷🏼‍♀️

A lot of alcohol, a little crises situation and a lot of bad words. Also a cute cute gay scene, if you are not comfortable with that then go to hell you homophobic don't read.

Don't drink and drive (I had to say it) 😍

Enjoy that party between Joon and Y/n

W.c. 3639

You’ve been drinking, talking and eating chips and olives with Namjoon for about 4 hours now. Why are you eating olives? You can’t tell exactly. He said something about Martini and Gin tonic, you decided to try it with Soju and found it was not that bad at all. The most memorable part of the evening was when you have danced with him, sharing your favorites songs of the moment and dancing on popular success as well. Actually, “dance” is a big word when you still have a cast from mid lap to the tips of the toes. You can barely walk more than 25 meters so, with a knee that doesn’t bend at all, it was just an attempt to dance. You have moved to the music must be the correct term in that case. Sometimes standing up, sometimes sitting on the couch but both of you trying your best to move to the beat.

The only cloud on the horizon for you is the more you drank, the more you felt the sadness invade every fiber, every cell of your body. Almost as if the pain you had been feeling for the last months was amplified. As if it wanted to go out through every pore of your skin, driven by a will of its own. Immediately after you felt that pain being unbearable, you stopped drinking. But it was too late already, the alcohol had made its effect in your blood system. You were immensely sad, unable to hold back your tears and your sobs. You were dejected, depressed. Fortunately for you, you were alone with Namjoon and he was drunk dead himself, laughing his ass out and talking loud. He was philosophizing on life and love, comparing the Korean and American star system, talking about music and his love for his fans. When he saw your tears, after a probably 10 minutes monologue, time is so relative when you are drunk, he asked with a choppy speech:

“Why are you crying like that jelly bean”

Even if you are drunk, there is still a little brain cell that remains active. You don’t want to tell him why you are sad. Well, maybe you ain’t that drunk after all.

“I am not crying, I am laughing”.

“Oooh I really thought you were crying”, he said, with confusion all over his face.

“You’re too clever oppa, I am crying” and you started to cry louder, making big “babies” noises. Namjoon didn’t know how to react, being more than intoxicated himself. So he did what he does best under every triggering life situation, he tried to reason it by speaking his mind out loud.

“It means that you are a blue jelly bean today. I can’t wait for you to be a red one. Or a pink one. Every color has his own meaning you know”.

“Shut the fuck up Namjoon, can you stop that sexy brain from operating for a night only? But why do you track my moods with Jelly bean colors?” You asked, pointing your temple with your index.

“Well, that’s interesting. I don’t know”. He started to laugh as he had heard the most funny joke ever, tapping his laps, eyes disappearing, big guttural noises coming from his throat. Sexy noises...

“You think my sadness is funny” He tried to be serious, trying his best to stay straight on his feet, fighting against gravity to keep his balance.

“No, I am sorry, I didn’t mean it like that, really”. He was trying his best not to move. To make sure he was not making any mistakes. You know Namjoon, he would never laugh at somebody’s pain. He would try to help the person. Analysing, talking, finding solutions with them.

“I believe you, you are too good to do that”, you said, looking at him in the eyes. Those noises he made a few seconds ago still messing up with your brain. No longer having inhibition due to alcohol and his beautiful face in front of you, were enough to put your libido on fire. Hoseok and you, it’s over anyway, right? Well you can’t stop something that never started, right?

You tried hard to unravel your thoughts when you received a text message. You took your phone from your pocket and smiled when you read the first message from Jimin.

You closed your phone, you are filled with a tremendous joy, your 2 best friends are together and it seems to have been going very well for them. Your happiness would normally have manifested by smiles and laughter or even a happy dance, but not tonight. Not after 2 bottles of Soju, 2 glasses of wine and so much tequila shots that you can’t even count them. All those drinks in a 4 hours delay.

“What’s wrong”, Namjoon asked, barely audible. His volume was quieter than earlier. He seems tired.

“I am happy, I cry because I am happy but I can’t tell you why. Shhhhhh!” You placed your index on your lips to show him you won’t tell another word, spitting in the process.

“Shhhh” he repeated after you, mimicking your gesture but spitting on purpose, because he thought it was funny.

“I am happy, that’s why I cry” you said half crying and half laughing at Namjoon's childish behavior.

“Oh, well, it’s logical, I guess”

He took your hand and guide you to the sofa. You sat together, side by side without any space between your bodies. You are use to Namjoon’s proximity and hugs, the two of you naturally bonding together. Strangely, he never made you feel this way, weak. Even when you danced together at the studio the other day, twerking, shaking your hips and having fun, you never felt physically attracted to him. You are well aware he’s sexy, he has a beautiful body and a sexual aura surrounding him but you never imagined him that way. Mostly because your desire and your love were reserved for Hobi only. Why is Namjoon so hot tonight?

He took his head between his hands, his face suddenly whitening.

“Hey, my head turns. Do you mind if I go to sleep?”

“Oh noooooooooo”. You cry louder than before, if it’s possible. “Joonie, don’t abandon me please, not you too. My leg abandoned me, my work abandoned me, my love abandoned me. I am alone and nobody looooooves me”. And you started to feel down again, like that in the blink of an eye. The joy you have felt a minute ago for Jimin and Taemin is already a vague memory. This warmth sensation of happiness being ephemeral as a shooting star in your clouded sky.

“Well love ME, I won’t abandon you” he said, grabbing your hand to drag you closer. You swear, if it wasn’t of that annoying cast, you’d be landing on his thighs right now. Have you imagine his lips gently brushing your ears while he whispered that in secret? A futile gesture, being alone with you anyway. He cannot have done that, right?

You laughed through the tears. Did you dream his other hand on your lower back, flirting with your behind, just a little longer than necessary?

“Oh! No leader, you don’t want that. I am a lost case. Nobody wants JUST an EX backup dancer. No you deserve an idol like you. A sexy brain like you. A sexy body like you. A goddess, a queen. The best woman on earth. You deserve Rosé”.

“No, no, no, I beg to differ… but Rosé? where is that coming from?” He’s too brilliant for his own good, he will do the maths and understand very fast where it’s coming from.

At this exact moment, you hear Hoseok entering the house, laughing, a female voice answering a sentence you did not hear. That can’t be true. Please….

“It is nice, I'm glad you agreed to lend it to me” She said, with a smile in her voice. You can imagine the sparkling eyes she probably has too. Taemin always told you that your eyes sparkles when you are talking about Hobi.

“It’s not a problem at all Chae”. He said as he entered the living room, hand in hand with her.

That’s it. Now he sees her as a “real person” instead of his celebrity crush. She’s not Rosé anymore, she’s Chae, her birth name. It’s more personal, more intimate. How many dates did they have now? You know they wanted to meet as much as possible before Hobi and the boys will leave for 12 days tomorrow at 15h00.

Did they shared their first real kiss? Did they made love? Did she touched him like that? Hoseok said he would never initiate anything sexual the first dates unless she does it first. Did she? Is she an «easy catch»? Probably not but who can resist Hobi’s lips? Who can say no to him after seeing his hands, his delicates and long fingers? Who can resist the way he talks with his intelligent and bright eyes? His funny faces and sound effects noises? The way always understand the others is irresistible too, no? He’s so perfect.

Everything, every little gesture of affection with him could have lead you to bed, you are certain of that. He, only he, would have that power on you. Nobody else. Does he have this power on her? She certainly have it on him… Your love, your wonderful man. You’ve loved him so much and for so long. How can you have desire somebody else than him, even for a tiny second, even under the influence of alcohol. He’s here in front of you and the only thing you can think about is that you lost him, to her. YOUR man. YOUR love. You hate her with every cell of your body.

“Oh no, Joonie... I… vomit”.

Normally, you would have stand up and run to the bathrooms but with the right leg in a full cast and the coordination required to stand up, you can’t make a miracle. You turned your head to the left, trying as much as possible to protect your cast and empty the content of your stomach on Namjoon’s pants. Twice.

“Oh well, we did eat that” is the only thing he said while looking at his pants with disgust plastered on his face.

Both of you started to laughed in front of a non amused Hobi and a “panic mode” Rosé, or “Chae” more precisely.

“Ok, well Oppa, I don’t want to make my driver wait any longer”, she said to Hobi, clearly not willing to spend one more minute here with your drunk ass vomiting and another one on the merge to.

Hobi served her some excuses as he was leaving the living room. You heard him open a few drawers and came back. You were still sitting on the couch, stil with Namjoon on your left. He was about to sleep or vomit, you couldn’t tell. Both of you, drunk paralysed on the couch, acting like young teenagers that has been caught doing something prohibited, holding hands by solidarity. Both completely unbothered by the mess on his pants.

«Hi y/n» she says, with a shy and embarrassed smile. “You remember me? We worked together for a stage performance once”.

Does she thinks you’re dumb? You don’t even answer to that because she is baby talking to you. Tonight, drunk, you don’t even pretend that you like her, you don’t give a shit to be honest.

“Y/n, you know the book I lent you? Are you done reading it?” Hoseok asked with empty hands as he was coming back from his room.

“No, I have 3 more chapters to read» you answered.

“Would you mind lent it to Chae when...?”

“Certainly, as soon as I am done reading it”.

“It’s because…”

No fucking way. She stole your man, she ain’t gonna take that freaking book before you are done with it. You don’t care, you just don’t want her to take it away from you.You snapped.

“Sweet baby Jesus Jung Hoseok, you ain’t for real. I said I am not fucking done, I ain’t a slow reader, she will have it in 2 days maximum. Capitch? The book is mine right now, MINE.”

He was shocked, incomprehension all over his face. His fans would have called it his “meme face”. Normally, you love the variety of expressions be can show. Normally…

“Y/n, I didn’t ask you to give it to her now, you misunderstood”. Hobi tried to answer but Namjoon was almost as mad as you were, he must have heard the same thing. Or not. Maybe he’s mad because he’s mimicking you again, that would be so him like.

«Hey, who take something away from a pretty girl to give it to another one. Hoseok, where are your manners, man? Have you lost your mind over a sexy body? I understand you might...»

Hoseok doesn’t want Namjoon to continue, not in front of Rosé. He tried to shut his leader but he couldn’t. Namjoon being drunk as fuck, loud and inhibitionless.

«Man, that’s unfair. Don’t take it away from her, it’s her book, her story. You are so blind Hoseok, so fucking blind». His speech was slow, he was drunk speaking. But his mind was strangely clear. Did he understand you love Hobi?

You wanted to put one delicate finger, gently on his mouth to make him stop talking but, it’s your whole hand that harshly landed on his lips. It must have been the lack of coordination.

«SSSSSHHHHHHH shut up and go change, you stink »

«Thanks to you for that. I should be taking a shower. Wanna join?» He asked you, smirking.

Hoseok reacted fast.

«Sorry Chae, I think I can’t accompaigned you to the door. I will have to take care of those drunk dumbass» he told her.

«It’s ok, well, goodnight oppa». And she pecked his lips, her gentle, delicates, perfectly manicured fingers on his cheeks. You started to cry, big tears running on your cheeks. Suddenly, your pain were becoming anger, real bad drunk anger.

«OMG, we are animals now. That’s ok female, you can mark your territory. I am not even going to fight against you, you win big time against the trash bag, unemployed, legless me. You also can choke on his dick, I won’t be mad because I hate you.».

«What’s going on Hoseok?» She asks, shocked.

«I am not sure at all. I will call you tomorrow ok? No, actually, text me when you are safe home». He was trying to stay chill and calm in front in front of her but it was hard. You know his temper, you know him.

«Of course I will baby, Good night».

Baby. Did you hear correctly? Hoseok seems to be surprised also for a nano second but nevertheless, he kissed her lips before saying goodbye.

She leaved without looking in your direction. You snapped at Hoseok again.

“You should have chose a better girlfriend. She doesn’t treat you well. She should have stayed here and offered you some help. She’s not treating you well enough. My love you deserve better, she is a bitch. A bitch and a thief. I hate her, she stole you..."

He stares at you, a flash of anger streaks across his face. When he heard the door closed, he started to move in your direction, looking in your eyes. He had slow movements, like a predator does to its prey.

You look Namjoon on your left, hoping for a helping hand but you found him asleep, head leaned against the couch, mouth wide open.

«You are avoiding me for what? 5 days now and that’s how you are greeting me? By telling my girlfriend that he can choke on my dick and that you hate her ? What’s wrong with you y/n? I never saw you like that.»

You can’t stop crying and sobbing. Hobi knows too well it’s not the good timing for this conversation. He also knows that you will avoid telling him the truth as soon as you sober up. At least what he think you are hiding from him.

«Well, she can choke on it, I don’t mind. She’s a thief and I hate her”.

«You think I am the kind of man to let a girl CHOKE on my dick? You think I am rude like that? If that is your opinion on me, you deceived me y/n. I thought you knew me better than that».

You don’t want to answer that. Stubborn as you are tonight, you don’t even look at him anymore, pretending he's not in front of you,

“And you shouldn’t insult my girlfriend like that. I can't accept this”

“Really? what are you gonna do to make me shut the fuck up? Huh?”

“I will put the rudeness on the count of your intoxicated state. But I am disappointed by the way you are tonight. I never, never saw you like that. Where is the sweet y/n? The strong woman I once loved? The girl that could make an iceberg melt with the warmth of her smile? Where is she? Tell me?”

“She’s dead inside” are the only words you can utter before you started to cry again.

«Hobi...» You can’t talk.

«Hobi… sob… don’t… sob… hate me… sob… please… i can’t» are the only words he hear from you before you bend over and fall on the floor in front of the couch.

As a bad twist of faith, Jungkook enters the dorms at this very moment and founds you crying on the floor, with a wasted Namjoon on the couch awoken by the scene you make and Hobi trying to lift you up from the ground but not being able to because you are fighting against him, completely disorganised. This situation is a nightmare for your brother who wants to prevent every tear to fall on your cheeks, every slightest bad emotions to ever reach your heart. But as he can tell right now, it’s the complete opposite.

He collected himself pretty fast and managed to calm you down by talking to you and holding you tightly in his arms. You finally fall dead asleep on Joonie’s bed without washing you or brushing your teeths. The boys decided that if you are going to vomit, you better do it in the bed of the other drunk ass in the house.

When you wake up the day after, a manager is looking after you in the dorms. It’s already the mid-afternoon and the boys have left for 12 days.

You wish you wouldn't remember last night, but it would have been too much to ask for. You shamely remember every single moments of it.

*******************************************

Meanwhile, last night

While a drama was playing in the dorms yesterday, it was a whole different atmosphere in Taemin’s apartment.

Being friends for so long, Jimin and Taemin were beyond the stage of getting to know each other to decide if they can abandon themself in this relationship or not. There was a thin line they needed to cross to leave the friendship behind and look at the same direction as boyfriends from now on. The second they holds hands together, facing each other on the couch after their mutual confessions, they both knew without a doubt that this person in front of them holds the key to their heart. As long as they will be together, they will be stronger although more vulnerable at the same time because now, a breach has opened in their hearts.

Jimin was not scared anymore, not scared at all because he knows with Taemin he can be himself. He doesn’t have to play a game, he just have to be true, to share how he feels. He knows he will be listened and that his weakness will be accepted and it won’t change the love they share.

“Jimin, I tell you all the time that I love you but I don’t know how to say it now. Or even if I can still say it. Is it too soon? I mean, you and….”

Jimin was not the only one with fears after all. The strength and confidence that Taemin has for the physical part of their relationship is well balanced by the confidence Jimin has with the romantical one. A very well balanced couple.

Hey, Taemin, try me. Tell me” Jimin answered playfully with a beautiful, genuine smile on his beautiful figure.

“Jimin, I love you” All the love he contained for his friend for so long, showing in his glittering eyes. In the bottom of his heart, he always knew that Jimin was the one. He just needed a little help to admit it.

“I love you Taemin, now kiss me please”.

Leaded by a furious desire to make one with the love of his life, to feel his skin naked against his, he touches Taemin in a daring way. That’s how, a shy smile ended in a light kiss on the forehead. Taemin thinking Jimin was the most beautiful man on earth, so pure and soft. Then another embarrassed smile, another light kiss closer to the lips and another smile… All the softness and the tenderness contained in their hearts, transmitted by a slightest touch of the fingertips, leaving the skin under their fingers warm and sensitive.

That’s how it begin between them. From a shy smile to a kiss. From a kiss to another. When Jimin palmed Tae’s bulge over his jeans, they were both ready to exchange the sweetest caress and kisses over and over again, until they fall asleep, exhausted on each others arms.

As birds were singing joyful melody outside, as the sun rose, a new day started for them.

#bts #bts fake texts #bts fluff #bts angst #bts serie #bts scenario #bts imagines #bts fanfction #bts fanfiction

[magical-agatha]

im rly sick of the way ppl with bpd get treated. especially on this site. a vocal minority of ppl who have bpd and acted like shitty people shouldnt factor into how other ppl with bpd get treated. its the same as saying all lesbians are terfs. but society sucks and ppl arent critical of themselves and now theres this idea that ppl with bpd are like, violent, manipulative, abusive and hysterical. which is like, incredibly ableist.

bpd is brought on by extremely severe trauma, usually in childhood. and its incredibly difficult to live with. its something you have to fight with constantly just to keep the symptoms in check. its miserable and exhausting and its hard but its all below the surface so somehow its our own fault. ppl act like we're inherently violent or abusive when rly we're just trying desperately to control the symptoms of our mental illness bc if we slip up and lose our cool or have a breakdown suddenly everyone thinks you're just like that ableist caricature of someone who has bpd.

on top of constantly struggling to control and manage our symptoms, emotions, and behaviour, all of our emotions are massively amplified. so things that hurt hurt way too much. but most of the time you cant show you're hurting bc you know it isn't fair or reasonable. you get hurt by things that you arent supposed to get hurt by, and you're not allowed to show that you got hurt bc its irrationality and unfair. and you dont want to hurt anyone so you just try to hide it and bottle it and it fucks you up bc you cant process it properly.

you have to constantly police yourself and try to figure out if what you're feeling is rational and reasonable and you have to hide all this and act like you're fine. maybe you're lucky and you have a so or friend who understands and can help you. but most ppl dont and have to manage all this alone.

and then ofc theres the irrational impulses, to run away and isolate, to lash out at ppl when you're hurt and you're breaking down and struggling to communicate and you cant tell them they hurt you so you lash out and you break and you desperately hope they understand and that they dont leave you, but at the same time you want them to leave, bc if you're alone you wont get hurt. but you desperately want them to stay. bc you need them bc you cant stand being alone. its shit like that. its a nightmare. its really fucking hard and from the outside it just looks like you're an asshole, but inside you're falling apart and breaking and losing control and you need help so badly and you arent strong enough to hold all this in all the time. but if you dont then people leave bc you hurt them. which was the last thing you wanted to do. you want to be loved and liked and to not be alone. so you have to fight constantly to act normal so people dont leave. its hell.

obviously all this is like. rambly and mostly indicative of my personal experience living with bpd. but its generally something like this. fighting your own mind constantly and feeling everything too much. sometimes so much you hurt yourself to deal with it. living with bpd is a constant struggle. and its so easy for something small to spiral and ruin your whole day. suddenly you're breaking down and sobbing and fighting the urge to hurt yourself bc of something tiny. and its not your fault but you get blamed anyway. if i didnt have the support i have i probably would have killed myself by now bc living with bpd is hard and some days it really doesnt feel worth it. im extremely lucky to have a girlfriend who loves me unconditionally and understand what im dealing with and supports me even when i break down and i dont have the energy to fight with myself.

theres a reason ppl who suffer from bpd are so prone to self harm and suicide. its a very difficult thing to live with and takes a long time to recover from. and on top of everything we have to deal with this. nasty, ableist and totally unfair perception of ppl with bpd. and usually comorbidity as well. ptsd, depression, anxiety, etc. it sucks and we deserve better treatment.

#hashtag blogging with aggy #tw suicide #tw self harm #suicide #self harm