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#its so grainy i don't wanna talk about it
thankyouivy · 4 months
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Slick Tongue - Spencer Reid x Fem!reader
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Pairing: Spencer Reid x Female!reader Warnings: SMUT! (18+), oral [f rec], non-con voyeurism? (the team listens in), dryhumping, squirting, overstimulation, dirty talk, begging, HANDS, multiple orgasms, fluff! Summary: Instead of going out with the team for drinks after a stressful week, the only thing he wants to do is bury his head between your thighs. Notes: a gay and a lesbian attempted to write straight smut: this is that attempt. there is a significant lack of munch!spencer content on here and I am willing to attempt to fix that very serious problem. this is literally just 3k words of Spencer being a munch, enjoy! :]
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“Reid, are you sure you don't wanna come out with us? I mean, after the last few days we all deserve a little fun time!” the grainy voice of Garcia speaks through the phone as Spencer makes his way into your shared apartment. Spencer chuckles and the ruffle of him taking his coat and shoes off can be heard on Penelope's side of the line. Spencer sets his bag on his desk on the way to your bedroom where he knows you’re waiting for him. “As much as I would like to spend more time with you guys, I have other things I need to atten- …”
You’re lying on your side of the bed, undressed except for the navy blue lingerie set Spencer bought for you in LA when the team flew there for a case, and one of his button up work shirts. This one is light blue and it complements the navy blue of your lacy bra and thong peeking out through the half-unbuttoned shirt. You look up from the book you have in your hand, and smile as you sip your red wine, and then place the glass on the bedside table. Spencer is just standing in the doorway and manages to get out a breathy “Hi,” before Garcia seems to snap him out of the trance he's in. He blinks a few times and looks around for a second before remembering where his coworkers' voice is coming from.
“Reid? Reiddddd??? Are you still there?” She says as he lifts the phone back to his ear. “What? Yeah, I’m still here. What- what is it?”
You giggle at him. Despite being one of the smartest people in the BAU, all of his concentration and genius goes out the window when it comes to you, it seems. Spencer can tell Garica is saying something to him, but he can’t really tell what it is that she’s talking about. “Hey, Garcia- I’m- um I’ve got to go- no it's- nothing wrong! I just have to- I- I’ll see you tomorrow, have fun at.. wherever- bye.” He stammers out quickly, and shuts off his phone and throws it onto the bedside table as he makes his way over to the bed.
It seems in Spencer's delusional state of mind, clouded by the nakedness of his girlfriend, he has forgotten that when you turn your phone off, the call you are on does not automatically hang up, unknowingly leaving Garcia and the rest of the team to listen in on the escapades that follow:
“Hi, baby,” You greet him happily as Spencer reaches your side of the bed and leans down to place a passionate kiss on your lips. “God, I missed you,” he mumbles into your mouth and you smile and hum in agreement into the kiss, running your fingers through his soft fluffy hair.
His mouth moves from your lips to your jaw, placing kisses along the edge of your face to your ear, and then down to your neck where he begins marking you up. You giggle happily as he works on his task.
He pulls away from the kiss momentarily to run his eyes over your body once more. You look absolutely delectable in this set, it's one of his favorites. He bites his lip and runs his hands over your sides and down to your hips. He leans back in to kiss you all while he makes quick work of your bra, unclasping the back and pulling it off as you work on taking off your shirt, it falls off of your shoulders gently revealing your gorgeous bare tits.
You bite your lip and the blush from your cheeks makes its way down the rest of your body, and Spencer groans at the sight of you. “Fuck, you look so good, baby… but in order for me to have any fun, these need to come off…” He says darkly, as his pointer finger slips its way under the strap of your thong and he places kisses along your collarbone.
You gasp as he grips your hips and slides you to the edge of the bed, dropping down to his knees immediately, and making quick work of taking his own shirt off, leaving him in only his work pants. You let him pull your panties down your thighs and off your legs slowly, already panting hard as he watches you open your pretty legs for him, giving him the perfect view of your tiny bare pussy and completely naked body.
“Fuck…” he says breathily as he licks his lips, obviously salivating. “Please baby…I wanna taste you so bad… been thinking about it for days…” He begs on his knees, and you moan at his words. He looks exhausted but eager, and that combination of things usually only means one thing; "Bad day?" you ask as he grabs the underside of your left thigh and places it over his shoulder, "Terrible."
You lace your fingers through his soft hair, and watch as he closes his eyes, tilting his head to the side to give the inside of your thigh an open-mouth kiss.
"Mmmm.. I’m sorry work was bad baby…Y'can tell me everything after you make me cum, yeah?" and then he's groaning, "Fuck yes," nodding his head and sighing happily, before surging forwards and lapping at your cunt as if its the one thing he wanted to do all day.
Immediately your hips arch off of the bed as his lips press against your folds. "Fuck, Spence," you gasp, he parts his lips before dragging his tongue up your centre, circling the tip around your clit, "oh my god," you moan, fingers tangling into his hair to hold him there. This spurs Spencer on further, his body pushes further between your legs, his hands holding your legs apart while he starts to moan into you. “Tastes so fucking good, baby.” He mutters and licks his lips, before licking at your clit softly.
Your view is obscene. Spencer's large veiny hands are gripping your plush thighs, making his arms muscles flex as he holds them open. His gorgeous sharp jaw moves in a steady rhythm, his long hair falling in front of his face as his dark eyes look up at you, completely focused on pleasing you.
Your body feels like it’s on fire. It feels like too much and not enough at the same time. You shut your eyes and tilt your head back as his tongue runs over your pussy over and over again. “Fuck! Spencer, that feels so good!” You gasp out. You can feel his smile against you as Spencer sucks hard on your clit, vulgar noises fill the room as he leans into you, one hand around your hip holding you down and the other pressing against your abdomen. His nose rubs against your clit as he mouths at your opening, and that sends you over the edge. You cum hard and with no warning, letting out a yelp followed by a string of loud moans. Spencer groans against you as he licks you through it, the vibrations just adding to the intensity of your orgasm.
He kisses your thighs when he's done licking up your arousal to help you come down from your sudden high, and then stands to maneuver you onto the bed properly. “You know, the tongue is one of the strongest muscles in the body…and although cunnilingus isn’t the intended purpose of the genioglossus, styloglossus, and hyoglossus muscles, they really do make it easy for me to make you cum.” He speaks as he positions you up against the pillows so you have a clear view of him, and places a pillow underneath your hips to get better leverage. “Speaking of cumming, did you know the average woman can orgasm up 5 times per session? So if you think I’m stopping at one… you must be out of your mind, sugar.” He licks his lips.
Without giving you a chance to reply, he delves back into you, his tongue lapping over you slowly, suckling over your clit which has you shuddering instantly, still sensitive from your previous orgasm. Suddenly you feel his fingers tease at you, you gasp, then whimper with want, desperate for his long fingers to fill you. Without warning he presses two fingers into you easily with the aid of your cum-slicked opening. His gaze traveling up your body as you cry out and clench around him "fuck, baby, so fucking tight and desperate for me, huh?" Spencer mumbles.
He has you panting and whining whilst throwing your head back in no time. Your nails dig into his scalp, hips grinding slowly against his face and fingers as heat starts to form in the pits of your stomach. His fingers fill and stretch you in the best way possible as he works you open. Your orgasm builds again, embarrassingly fast, thighs shaking, back arching away from the bed while he plays with your body.
"Oh, fuck, i'm gonna- I'm gonna cum, baby" you cry out, letting your thighs close around Spencer's body, you feel him smirk against you as he lifts off you momentarily to mutter out a little “yeah? Gonna cum?”
"Mhm! fuck- Ungh- oh god!" you choke out in between your moans, stomach clenching underneath his hand as he doubles down, fingers speeding up slightly and his own moans sending vibrating pleasure straight up your body, "th- fuck, there, stay there,” he makes you babble, gripping his hair as you keep him where you need him. Spencer is revelling in the way his motions pull a string of pretty sounds from you; a mix of moans, whines and whimpers because words are failing to express how fucking amazing you feel.
“Doing so good, sugar" He groans, the heel of his hand pressed into your pelvis, the pressure making you clench around him. "So good," he groans as loud moans spill from your open mouth.
Spencer pulls his fingers out of you but before you can protest he's sliding them straight back in at a slightly different angle, hitting the exact spot you need him to. "Please," is all you can manage as the air gets punched from your lungs by a scream when he starts pressing and rubbing hard over it, knowing how close you are to your orgasm.
Your boyfriend watches your stomach tensing and he feels your knees trembling at his sides, your pussy walls fluttering around his fingers and clit pulsing on this tongue as he flattens it against you, “uh huh, come on, baby," he starts, fully aware of what his words do to you. "So close, I know..." He pauses when you interrupt with a high pitched whine, "cmon, cum for me," he finishes, moving his mouth to suck on your clit and curl his fingers inside you, and it sends you over the edge, your back arches away from the mattress, somehow pushing Spencers long, thick fingers into you even further, and you're done for.
Your cunt floods, wetness gushing from you and soaking the sheets beneath you. "Don't stop," you sob.
Spencer moans loudly as he continues his attack on your cunt with his mouth, greedily trying to lick up everything you’re giving him.
This time, he doesn’t give you a chance to breathe, keeping a steady rhythm of his fingers and mouth as he attempts to get you to squirt again. You loudly whimper and try to squirm away from his grip and relentless stimulation on your poor, swollen, fucked out pussy, but to no avail. He doesnt let up as he pushes your hips down harder, and all you can do is let out pathetic little cries and whines as he overstimulates you.
“I- I can’t again-” you cry out at him. It's all too much; his fingers inside you, the heel of his hand pressing into your folds, his lips and tongue toying with your clit, his free hand exploring your body, the stimulation is making your brain short circuit. He pulls his mouth away from you for a second, “yes you can. Just one more for me, sugar, yeah?” He pants, and then resumes his work when you let out a broken cry.
Spencer feels like he's harder than he's ever been in his life. The sounds you're making, the way you taste, the way you're trembling under his ministrations just spur him on more. The only thing on his mind is how he wants to make you squirt again, the very thought of it makes him lightheaded as he doubles his efforts.
In your haze of overstimulation, you can feel the bed rocking at a steady pace, and you realize Spencer is humping the bed. The thought of him getting himself off on the sheets below him, because eating you out is something he does for his own pleasure and not yours, goes straight to your core and your hips spasm upwards into his mouth.
“Spencer!” you moan, “I’m gonna- fuck-” one of your hands tangled in his curly locks, a silent plea for him to stay where he is as you grind your hips sporadically against his tongue. “Cum on my face, baby.” You could feel his smirk on you, and how it grew when your hips started to hump his face as he increases his pace.
"Uh huh, cum on my tongue," he hums against you, and that sends you hurtling over the edge for the final time. You come harder than before, you let out a scream as your body shakes and your thighs close around Spencer's head, trapping him there while your entire body spasms, eyes clamped shut.
His thumb presses and flicks against your clit as he eats you, and you're sure you black out, thighs practically vibrating from the intensity as your body releases even more cum than last time.
"Oh my god, baby," you barely hear Spencer over the pounding in your ears as your body continues to convulse and spurt liquid. His fingers move at an inhuman pace, desperately trying to milk as much cum from you as he possibly can, and all you can do is scream. When he is convinced you can't give him anymore, he gives one final lick through your folds and slips his head away from you.
Spencer looks incredible, his hair tousled and messy, the bottom half of his face completely soaked with your slick and his cheeks red as he catches his own breath and licks you off his lips. Gently, he slips his fingers from your body moaning softly to himself when your pussy squelches from the mix of ejaculate and his saliva. Strings of your slick connect his fingers together as he spreads them apart. "Were so fucking good for me,” He moans. Looking right at you, he slides those fingers onto his tongue, lips curling around them as he sucks you off them and hums at the taste, “so fucking good”.
After giving your hip a kiss, he lifts himself off the mattress and heads to the bathroom to wipe his face off and run a bath for the two of you. He comes back to find you still completely fucked out and breathing heavily, your body still twitching. He chuckles at you, completely spent and exhausted. “Want me to carry you, sugar?” he asks softly and you just let out a small ‘mhm’.
He picks you up with ease, holding you up by the bottom of your thighs. one of your arms wraps around his neck and the other grabs his face to kiss him deeply, whining when you taste yourself on his tongue. You can't feel his erection against you, but instead a damp spot on the crotch of his pants, which just makes you whine more, hooking your legs around his hips and burying your face in his neck.
He pets your hair and makes his way into the bathroom with you in his arms, placing you into the bath following close behind after making quick work of his remaining clothes. Your back presses against his chest as you both relax in the warm soapy water.
“So, what happened?” You ask in a sleepy mumble as his hands rub up and down your arms methodically. “Hm?” He mutters, burying his nose in your hair. “What happened at work?” You smile up at him, and he just laughs and places a delicate kiss on your lips.
Back at the BAU, Rossi, Prentiss, Morgan, Garcia, and JJ are still in the bullpen, and not out at the bar. Garica’s phone rests in the center of the roundtable as the entire team stares at it, slack jawed. “Well… now we know how he can talk so much without his jaw hurting.” Rossi says, dumbfounded.
The door to the room opens suddenly, Garcia snatches her phone and hangs up the call, that has now gone silent on Spencer's end, as everyone’s heads snap to Hotch.
“What are you all still doing here?” Hotch asks, receiving five immediate “nothing!”’s as they all scramble to collect their things and rush past him out of the room.
More of my stuff can be found here.
~ Ivy 🪴
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poetthewriter · 4 months
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HELLOOOO!!! 🌘 ANON HERE >:333
I was meant to re-send my oneshot request a few days ago but I forgot...
Anyways!
Could I request some esmpS2!Jimmy x gn!reader angst to fluff :3
Like, Jimmy getting bullied by the other empires and the reader finds him in a secluded area sobbing so they comfort him as much as they can
Jimmy ends up sleeping on the reader's lap and it's just adorable :DD (maybe even add someone finding them and just taking a picture, the next day they show it to the reader and tease them about it)
I deeply apologize if this doesn't make any sense TT
Don't overwork yourself and don't forget to take care of yourself aswell! <3
-🌘 anon
The Ruler Of The Taiga
hello again moony! <3 (fun fact I was originally going to make the reader a tropical biome ruler if you would like to see something like that tell me!)
jimmy!E2 x Gn!Reader (Reader is a fox or wolf hybrid but could also read as a dear reader)
𝑬𝒎𝒑𝒊𝒓𝒆𝒔= 𝑺𝒘𝒆𝒆𝒕𝒔&𝑻𝒓𝒆𝒂𝒕𝒔🥮🍡🍯
The ruler of the taiga, a biome filled with beauty of all sorts, foxes prance around, sweet berries grow along the paths and enchant structures and statues litter the flora grounds. the sound of grainy foot steps march across the lands as you walk with peace, your delicate crown lays atop your hair and the wailing wind makes your cape fly behind you.
a basket rests in you hands and swings as you continue on your way, your biomes berries, fruits, vegetation, and herbs all pile in you basket as the sun starts to fall, as the sky darkens the temperature drops as if the ghosts have come out to play.
because of your empire being well known as the lands of the folk the air is always quiet, the ground you stand on and rule is known for its stories over thousand's of years this place has been known for its magical and haunting aura.
your ears perk up at the sound of the wolfs and coyotes that help you protect your empire howls, hearing the call of the sharp creatures you head back to elk village. paces quicken wanting to reach your home, all the views of the forest pass you as you scower but a flash of color makes you stop in your tracks.
on the soft plush soft fern filled ground the sheriff of the mesa lies, his hands run through his gold hair and his body is tensed. "Jimmy?" you speak up you voice quiet and soft but very welcoming, looking up jimmy sees you staring down at his stressed figure and looks away a little embarrassed putting his hands over his face.
It only takes a few swift moments and you are now sitting beside him you can already see that he is stressed, his posture is weak, his eyes are tired and his hairs is all ruffled. "hey, are you ok?" you voice is gentle making sure he feels at least a little more comfortable.
soon after you talk he dimly responds in a strained voice "I'm fine". its quite obvious he was ether yelling, crying or tired. his body slowly fades in and out of conciseness "I'm sorry for being here Y/n I just needed to get away from things for a bit" he continues speaking voice breaking every few words.
"Hey don't be sorry, I can tell your not fine so you wanna tell me what's wrong?" you hum.
"im just tired of everyone ..."
" i know how hard it can be to deal with everyone, and i know that you know that your alot more then what they say you are"
Your head lays on the dirt of the hill behind you two and you rest an arm over you friend, "its hard when everyone is on you tail but why let the jokes and remarks decide how you feel, am i right?"
"thank you" jimmy looks up again as you lay back in the grass, small berries and wormwood spread out across the glade and jimmy slowly lays back with you, soaking in your presents.
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a smaller male bard walks through the dim taiga in hopes to find you but instead he finds a new sight Infront of him, Oli usually comes by for the wonderful trades you present him but I guess today he's out of luck cause right in front of the jester like man, you and the sheriff himself lay sleeping in peace as the sunrises over the horizon.
Oli snaps a photo of the two of you and laughs quietly with a smirky face.
"photo for a trade" he whispers thinking of the deals he could make with this new found piece of blackmail, as the sun almost reaches above the trees Oli skips away giddily.
A/n I’m sorry this took so long I’ve been working and some stuff has been going on but enough with the exudes I hope to finish the reast of my requests<3
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not-goldy · 6 months
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Heyy! just found your acc and I am absolutely loving it here. idk if you'll read or reply to this but im writing this just because im kinda disheartened seeing some of these jikooker's behaviour. like i get it, we should always be open to the possibility of jikook being in a relationship with someone else but to see them dropping jikook in a matter of seconds after one shady grainy video drops is just... some are still adamant that jungkook does infact have a girlfriend. I've been seeing so many "jikook broke up", "jikook just bros", "jikook poly", "jikook were just fck buddies" it feels like these jikookers are just heavily insecure and somewhat believe certain taekookers' theories as they've been going off about how jikook haven't been close in 2023 and they are no longer 'glued together' just because we don't see it.
its like they were just ready to drop jikook and found this video issue to be the perfect opportunity lol....i honestly don't know where im going with this dkdkdjflkdjf but yeah. i dont think it was jungkook in that video (pretty obvious if you ask me) and I'll keep supporting jikook. jikook's bond is so different than all the other duos in bts and them not dating would be more shocking than them dating each other. ig these jikookers don't wanna act how taekookers did in the whole taennie situation but that's the thing this jungkook thing is in NO way similar to the taennie proofs we got. we got HD pictures and saw their managers in their video ffs.
also the acc that posted that video on weibo went on to post a clearly fake edited video of "jungkook" roaming around his apartment when asked why don't they have more videos of jungkook if they had so much access to jungkook's apartment, and had their lie get debunked so yeah. mindless rant over i guess. JIKOOK FOREVER.BTS FOREVER.
I almost logged out but since you love it here I love it here too🤭
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You see right there- even if it was Jungkook in that video it is not conclusive of anything. It's just back hug. Looks like a younger boy worrying his Noona to me and if it wasn't then we need to talk about a little things called consent. Sis looked like she could use her personal space.
Besides, if it were him, nothing special there. He does that with every one. Almost all BTS members. I remember a video of Jimin asking him what he was doing clinging onto him behind him.
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He did it with the tattoo girl and said there was nothing between them. How could this have been any different?
I feel people aren't used to seeing him interact with girls that much so they get uncomfortable getting glimpses of him around girls.
They will tell you he is the handsiest member of bts but then turn around and act flabbergasted when he gets handsy with anyone that's not their bias.
I'm glad he put those fake rumors to rest.
If that video was him that would have amounted to some heavy charges cos why we peeping at people's homes with cameras 🥲
The creepy things obsessed fans do and the lengths they go to give me chills. No respect for his privacy whatsoever.
He has friends other than jimin. He has FEMALE FRIENDS as well. People need to get used to that fact and stop acting like a disturbed beehive whenever the topic comes up.
He has female friends cousins acquaintances dancers assistants etc and he has a unique dynamic with each.
The entire Fandom needs to grow up.
For now I'm just embarrassed for them. Imagine cooking up a lie that didn't even take 2 secs to be shut down. The audacity they had to come into our dms trying to convince us we are making excuses for him and not accepting facts meanwhile the delulu ones were them all along.
And they seem to forget some of us are part of the groups they meet at to cook up these elaborate narratives just to stirr up shit. They dumb as fuck.
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cre8tivereviews · 7 months
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Wilder Girls Ch. 5
Today, I got through Ch. 5 of Wilder Girls. Below is my summarization and thoughts so far.
📖📚
Hetty is finding it hard to forget about all the food they threw out. She feels guilty.
Welch confronts Hetty. Telling her she needs to snap out of her funk pretty much. Get her friendship with Resse back and go back to normal, p3ople are watching. Welch doesn't wanna hear that it was Reese who started it, and why should she be th3 one to fix things. Still, Welch pretty much tells her to do it or else. Why does Welch care so much? Does she think Hetty will slip and say something? does she think people will wonder? If so, who cares.
As Welch is walking away, Hetty says, "Doesn't it bother you? Lying to everyone? Hetty says it looks like Welch wants to say "yeah it does," but all she does is shrugg and say, "So?" Is Welch really so cold? Is she hiding her emotions trying to stay tough?
When the Tox first started, they didn't really have a name for it. Hetty remembers watching Mr. Harker; Reese's dad, get sick th3n one day he's throwing up black sludge, grainy like dirty. The next day, he runs past the fence. Never to be seen again.
Hetty goes to make up with Reese. Reese asks her what's wrong. Hetty must not hide emotions well. Saying she's okay, they start talking. Reese asks if Hetty saw him, any trace of him, or their old house. Hetty tells her no. What did Reese expect? Hetty to go out there, and oh shit there's Reese's dad?
Hetty says she's going to find Byatt that she was supposed to come out and talk with them. On her way in to find Byatt, a girl comes running out to tell her that Byatt is having a flair up. Hetty is so confused she was just with her, not even 10 minutes ago, she says.
Hetty runs through the school looking for Byatt. Finally, in the kitchen, she finds Byatt on the ground almost seezing with pain, but she can't tell what's wrong, and Byatt can't speak. Someone goes to find Welch to come help. Hetty goes to tell Byatt that Welch is coming, that she'll take care of her. Byatt goes to say something, but Reese puts her hand over her mouth. Telling her to save her voice and strength. Why would Reese do that? Are her and Byatt suspicious of Welch?
Welch has the Boat Shift girls, minus Hetty, take Byatt up to the infirmary. Apparently, the Boat Shift girls are in charge of helping with stuff like that. As they are taking Byatt up, she smashes something into Hettys' hand. Hetty sees its the crackers Byatt had when she found her. Welch sees these and tells her to put them back in rations. Food is food. Hetty can't believ3 what she just heard. Reese tells Welch nah we'll keep it. Welch doesn't argue. Is there a message in the crackers? Why the hell does Welch care so much about these, yet just tossed a shit ton of food into the ocean.
Reese and Hetty are worried about Byatt so much so that there beef they had is squashed. Using all their focus on worrying about Byatt. They end up not being able to sleep. Hettys worried Byatt won't come back down from the infirmary. Seeing as most girls don't. Resse says she will, hetty says don't promise something you can't keep. Reese then says I didn't promise.
**not my art. Art by Dri Gomez**
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purplekoop · 4 months
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Koop Talks About... (#2) Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990) A Shell of a Classic!
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So not something I saw during my trip, but something I did get during my trip. Out of my house's fairly extensive DVD collection, one shameful omission was the original 1990 Ninja Turtles movie. I'd seen it before several times, by Netflix or TV viewings or other temporary means, but it was something we conspicuously didn't have to keep. It was actually the only theatrically released Turtles movie (available on physical media as of now, sorry Mutant Mayhem) we didn't have: we had its two sequels, and the Bay movies, and the 2007 CGI movie "TMNT", but not the original, which is a shame since... I mean yeah I like this one a lot, that's what the post is for. So, very glad that during a flea market trip with my partner over the thanksgiving break, we found a DVD store selling it for cheap. I uh... spent all my cash I had on me during the trip, so thank you Duck, this post was made possible by and is therefore dedicated to you!
Just watched the DVD now while wrapping up christmas decoration in the living room with family, and while my teenage (ha) younger sister was eye-rolling at first, we were all sitting down through to the end well after finishing the tree. My mom was a turtles fan back in the original cartoon's heyday, so it's not hard to convince her to give anything with the heroes in a half shell a try. Meanwhile, I grew up with the 2012 show (I was like 10 when it started but those are details for later), saw the Bay movies when they were relevant, saw some episodes of the '03 show on Nicktoons, and somehow managed to see the 90s movie trilogy for the first time in reverse order. guess I was saving the best for last?
Anyways, preamble over, time to talk about the movie.
First off, I just wanna appreciate how much this is a 1990 movie. The fashion, the hair, the reference humor that's already dated to be nearly incomprehensible nonsense but in a way that's charming. And I gotta say, as much as I am a stickler for video quality sometimes, the amount of graininess in the opening shots (maybe not helped by me standing so close to the TV, the tree was right next to it and I was hanging ornaments when the movie started) had me giddy. Maybe in part based on a cynicism to modern, hyper-streamlined mainstream media, but it's just nice to watch something from a few decades back and just be relaxed by the different, calmer energy.
Speaking of old school though, I can NOT hold off talking any longer about the highlight of the movie: the practical effects. They bring the characters to life in a way that is genuinely unmatched, I don't think any computer-based effects have approached anywhere near the sense of sincere realness that the animatronic effects and suits in this movie bring. The small facial expressions, while not a perfect illusion, still have so much more life in them than I would think possible for fancy suits now, let alone over 30 years ago. Plus, the fact that they're physical, real entities adds so much more weight to some scenes. The scene in the farmhouse where Leo just pours a cup of water over Raph's shell has such feeling to it, the fact that the scene has so little visual trickery makes the scene hit so much better than it would otherwise. Seeing the pattern on the back of his shell, and the water going over it, just. it's so cool that it's all real, no cheats, and it makes the whole thing feel more real and alive.
The heroes of this movie are the engineers who designed the suits, who managed to make lifelike characters that could emote and invoke emotion just as well as they could move around for fight scenes, and the in-person actors who had the dreadful task of wearing those suits. These suits look great but they were anything but pleasant to be in, especially trudging through sewers and doing extensive fight scene stunts. From what I've heard of the on-set horror stories, the heat was the most unbearable part. As much as I sing the praises of the effects in this movie, I feel it'd be tasteless to not also acknowledge the suffering for the art here.
(on a lighter note, I should also mention that the same animatronic/suit hybrid tech that went into this movie is, I'm fairly certain, almost the exact same tech used to make the FNAF movie. I figured that's worth bringing up.)
I guess I should also mention how the characters actually look. The design of the turtles is a bit offputting at first, but very quickly becomes charming, very much helped by the aforementioned fantastic facial expression tech to ease them out of the uncanny valley. They really nail the balance between realism and fitting the original cartoony silhouettes. I don't wanna berate the Bay movies too much here because that's not exactly breaking new ground, but I feel like in something as important as the designs of the turtles, the older films waaaayyy surpass whatever the hell the 2010s movie designs were with their weird, inscrutable faces and wonky proportions. Those aren't inherently terrible realistic mutant turtle guy designs, I can see what they're going for at least, but they're not the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. The goofy mascot suits of the 90s are a much cleaner bridge into a realistic depiction of the animated show's designs, with familiar proportions but more organic textures in a way that feels natural. Splinter, who isn't a suit character but I believe some sort of animatronic puppet using some similar tech to the Dark Crystal vulture dudes, is also similarly a great shift into realism using the original cartoon design as a basis, but his effectiveness is I think even greater because of how well this design gives his presence in the movie such an emotional anchor point. He's a bit ragged and dirty-looking, and his missing ear gives his design a bit of grit, but his face is hard for me to not read as cute. It makes the scenes later in the movie where he's battered and bruised but still has those sad little puppy eyes and gentle kindness to his mannerisms. I think also his slow, deliberate mannerisms turn the limitations of the tech behind his depiction into a strength. He genuinely looks like a gentle old creature who for all we know could just pass out (or away) after getting roughed up just a little too much, probably because the puppet wasn't much more stable than it looked. This is in contrast to the more frequent livelier depictions of Splinter who actually can move around at high speeds. Maybe I'm biased because I've got a small 14 year old dog who's prone to having matted fur and has a bit of a rat-shaped face. Honestly, as much as I like the sleek and imposing look Splinter has in the 2012 show, I think this movie's iteration may be my favorite design for balancing realism and "rat factor" with still being a cute and appealing design, though "appealing design" with the context of the visual style of the movie, my sister at least found him to look a little creepy at first. Which, hey, giant rat man who lives in the sewers, I guess that's not unwarranted.
So we've talked about how the characters look, but what about what they do? More specifically, performances and writing and junk.
I like the characterization of the turtles here, it's a bit subtle but they very much all still feel in-character. Raphael is sort of this movie's main turtle more than anyone else, having the most solo scenes and all at least early on. To be honest, especially given the limited backlog of source material at this point, this is a really solid and nuanced characterization of him. I think Raph's best iterations are described as "a tempermental ass because he cares", and not just "a tempermental ass". He gets mad because he takes things seriously and cares about people. In this movie specifically, he's the most proactive to go out of his way to help people. When helping April ends up getting Splinter kidnapped, he's devastated and it weighs on him until they get him back at the end. His VA delivers a ton of lines with incredible emotion, while also selling some great comedy that doesn't feel out of character either. The other turtles are a bit less interesting but their core traits are still there. Leonardo is the respectful leader and goodie-two-shoes who's still passionate but knows how to keep his cool, and his usual butting of heads with Raph is both believable and resolved nicely without dragging on too long. Michelangelo is... the funny one who makes slightly more reference jokes and is comic relief more often. And Donnie. Is also there. Look, he doesn't get to do much in this movie, they don't do whacky gadgets or anything, but I remember he gets to do more in the sequel at least. His main role is just being a comic relief partner with Mikey, which did get a laugh out of me pretty much every time. The A- team is a solid duo for a reason. I think it is also worth pointing out for newer fans that Donnie was a lot more low-key back then than he is in the 2012 show and later stuff. As fun as the more bombastic recent depictions have been, I still appreciate his role here even if he does feel a bit like "the fourth one who is also here."
Splinter is... a very nice and gentle Splinter. Not too much to say on him that I didn't mention or allude to when talking about how he looks. His soft-spoken and kind voice makes you really want to see him make it through okay, and he doesn't come off as an overly harsh teacher even in the most dire circumstances. Again, as much as I love 2012 Splinter, like I REALLY love a ton about 2012 Splinter, this movie's version is just so pleasant and likeable, he sells the emotional moments that ground the movie.
Oh and also human characters exist. To be transparent, I was in and out of the room and not fully sitting down for the early parts of the movie for this viewing, which is a bit of a slow start as we mostly follow April as the plot gets established. This is fine though, and actually doesn't drag on for too long before getting to "the good stuff". I don't have much to say about April, she's well acted and her role in the movie makes sense. Her hair is extremely 1990, that's something.
I also need to acknowledge that the human characters very much feel like side characters. This is the turtles' movie, and it feels like it is. They give them plenty of screen time to express their personalities and have a central role in the story, without using human characters as a lame shortcut to make "relatable" characters. They let the leads be the leads, which I think is a general sin of modern movie adaptations with their obligatory relatable boring human characters hogging screentime from the title characters people are actually here for. The relatable human sidekicks here are established from the source material, but don't feel tacky like the first Bay movie where the boring human lead is stuck pushing the plot forward for a significant time before the real fun characters are allowed to exist.
Casey Jones is a hard character to mess up I think, even his Bay movie adaptation is entertaining to me. I honestly didn't remember how soon he shows up, and despite my concerns he doesn't really clutter the movie as much as I would've thought. His inclusion feels pretty natural, and he plays off the story pretty well and has a distinct role in it. He's acted well (another great source of jokes distinct in delivery from the turtles) and definitely looks the part, though his relationship with April feels... well a bit tacky and a little forceful, chemistry is a little wonky and some scenes make me wince a little, but I've seen worse from mainstream movies, and arguably even with other officially-endorsed April ships (2012 my guy I love you to death but what was UP with Donnie about April, why was that necessary).
And then last classic character of note is Shredder, who... isn't too much of a personality, but his plan and role in the story is oddly cool? Instead of vague and overly ambitious global domination, this is the most low-key Shredder we've seen on screen. He wants to run a vaguely realistic criminal empire, and how he does it is by having teenagers join his ninja clan like it's a street gang out of an 80's anti-drug PSA. His lair isn't an imposing evil villain castle or sci-fi base, it's a warehouse or something filled with arcade cabinets and kids who aren't old enough to vote smoking cigarettes. I swear there's like actually a 9 year old in some shots. It's a believable ploy to get a loyal workforce, using cool toys and language like "we're a family and nobody in the outside world respects you" to get the loyalty of vulnerable kids, plus it also explains how the foot soldiers in this movie are kind of bumbling idiots when they're... y'know, primarily teenagers who are barely trained. It's such a simple but realistic kind of villainy, but it doesn't demean Shredder's fear factor just because he doesn't have as grand of ambitions. When he shows up, the fact that he's a serious threat is still conveyed. Admittedly his connection to the turtles feels a bit more shallow and flimsy than in other adaptations (again 2012 the GOAT ilysm), but he still puts up a way better fight than... the angsty teenagers he dressed up in bug-eyed ninja masks, I guess. Plus he looks cool, gotta admit the red sounds silly at first but he makes it work. If you want some more insight on why this version of Shredder is so cool, check out Gaijin Goomba's "Which Ninja" video on the character as a whole, going over his weaponry and characteristics and how true they are to real historical ninjas. I think it does mention a pretty notorious spoiler about the 2003 show version of him, but mentions fairly little from 2012 and the video was made before Rise and Mutant Mayhem, so safe if you haven't seen those.
This is easily my favorite live action Turtles movie, and as of now (noting that I haven't seen half of Rise or any of Mutant Mayhem) is my second favorite turtles thing in general, beaten only by the 2012 animated series, which is one of my favorite shows of all time. That show pays pretty good tribute to this movie, taking some of its minor plot points and extrapolating them into not just shallow references, but whole episodes and even story arcs based on what are only minor details in the movie. yeah I know, the movie is also based on the comics, but I'm bad at reading things and also an uncultured swine so sue me. I do gotta wonder how annoying I was legit pointing at the screen leaning forward at times pointing out similarities, down to the cars they drive in and out of the city. If you're like me and that was your first exposure to the turtles, this is a natural and very glowing recommendation.
Even if you're not a turtles fan though, this movie is still a classic just about anyone can enjoy. It's a movie with genuine heart on its sleeve, plenty of charm, and a solid benchmark adaptation of the characters, all made all the more believable by the top-notch practical effects that brought them to life on the big screen for the first time. Maybe a lot of the charm for me is the suits and that it's a few decades old now, free from the chains of more modern cynicism. Even with this movie's tacky quips and (formerly) topical reference humor, it didn't reek of modern pop culture lazy writing, but maybe it would've if I was around it back then. Or maybe they really don't make 'em like they used to, I dunno, I don't care, this movie's neat and it being old maybe makes it like it more and that's fine I think.
I plan on getting the box set for the 2012 show for christmas, so maybe consider this a preface to me finally gushing properly about that. I might also cover the other theatrical movies, I'm excited to rewatch Secret of the Ooze and none of the others (besides Mutant Mayhem I'm looking forward to that one). Honestly I think I give TMNT (2007) a bit of a hard time, and I remember thinking Out of the Shadows was decent at least. Also until I do some more research into finding epic and cool ways to watch them easily, don't expect me to look into watching the other shows in full yet, those are gonna take a bit longer.
As usual, zero clue what I'm talking about next, so stay tuned.
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greenlanterncrops · 4 years
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far sector #6
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