#its so sad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lionlena · 1 month

Text

I can't be everywhere (No outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader) ANGST! Part 3

Summary: You knew Joel was a busy man, but you never thought that when you needed him most you would hear, "I can't be everywhere." As if your pain meant nothing. So you decided that you couldn't be everywhere either… You couldn't be in his heart anymore.

Warnings: NSFW, self-harm (something like that), rough sex, p in v, unprotected sex, ANGST, miscarriage, misunderstanding, loss, mourning, broken heart, age gap (17 years), Joel is 45, depression, Joel tries hard, but… He can't show his true emotions…

Part 3

You thought being away from Joel, away from the place that reminded you of the loss of your baby, would help you, but it didn't. You felt like you were starting to get depressed, and living with your friend wasn't helping you at all. Maddie was sweet, but she tried too hard. You felt like she was taking on the role of your mother. She was worried that you weren't eating enough, that you weren't going out enough, and her attempts to talk to you about going to therapy only made you angry.

Deep down you knew she wanted good for you, but in your emotional state, you just had the desire to reject her. And that's exactly what you did. You found an apartment to rent and two weeks after you first entered her apartment, you moved out.

After finding a new apartment, you didn't feel any better. You tried to occupy your mind, find a new hobby, work more, but… You ended up sitting in the corner of your bedroom and crying. You processed thousands of scenarios in your head. Maybe you should have had an abortion? Then it would all be over before it began. Maybe not? Maybe you would suffer more and hate Joel more. Maybe you had a bad diet? You didn't take folic acid before pregnancy because… You weren't planning a pregnancy. Thousands of thoughts that did not allow you to sleep and function normally. Being able to work from home didn't make anything easier either, because you didn't have to go outside. You always had a tendency to overthink and get anxious, but when you were with Joel it was easier for you. He always knew how to put your mind at ease. He wrapped his strong arms around you and pulled you to his chest. He kissed your head and murmured sweet things. Joel wasn't a man of many words, but his embrace was enough. You felt then safe and surrounded by a protective cocoon of love. But you weren't sure if it would help you now. * Joel hated the emptiness that filled his house. The emptiness that reflected his interior. He slowly realized how much he should have changed in his life and himself. He didn't know if this would get you back, but he had to do something because he felt like he was going crazy. He started by renovating the house or rather building another room… A children's room. He decided to tear down the wall and enlarge the room that had once served as Sarah's dressing room and storage room for her toys. He knew it was crazy, and Tommy didn't hesitate to say it to his face when he visited to watch a game and drink beer.

"Are you crazy? Let me understand this correctly. You are building a children's room now, for a baby who…"

Joel grimaced. When he heard it out loud, he realized how stupid it was, but he was going to defend himself.

"No. Look, I'm not crazy, I know it won't bring this baby back to life, but… I should have started doing this as soon as I found out about Y/N's pregnancy. I know it seems crazy now, but… I have to do this and… It doesn't have to be the nursery. When Y/N comes back… If she comes back, she'll decide. It could be her office, guest room, home gym… Whatever."

Tommy took a sip of his beer and nodded.

"Okay… Now that sounds a little more reasonable. Shall I help you?"

Joel smiled a little. Sometimes his younger brother was very annoying, but he could always count on his support.

"Sure."

The younger Miller looked at him and asked quietly:

"Has Y/N spoken to you?"

Joel reached for another beer and shook his head.

"He replies to my text messages, but as briefly as possible. Usually, it's just a dry: okay, I'm fine, don't call…"

Tommy sighed and nodded.

"So for now, no chance of her coming back."

"No, but… If this is your way of trying to get out of helping me with the renovation, it's too late."

Tommy laughed softly.

"Not at all… I promised it, so I'll help you." * A month and a half had passed since you left and Joel was losing hope of any reconciliation with you. He felt lost and maybe a little disappointed. He just wanted a chance, one little chance. He was ready to do anything, to fall on his knees in front of you and beg for forgiveness. He would promise you everything.

When he got your text message with the address of the new apartment and the request to send your things, he felt his heart break once again, and then… He knew that what he wanted to do was crazy, that you would be furious, but it was his last hope. *

When you heard the doorbell, you were sure it was the courier with your things. From what Joel wrote, everything was fit into four boxes. You walked across the living room and kicked the pizza box under the couch. You didn't care that your hair was messy and you were wearing Joel's old t-shirt that you took before leaving him. You couldn't even explain why you were wearing it. You told yourself it was comfortable, but you knew it wasn't everything. You opened the door and your heart sank.

"What the fuck…"

That was the first thing you managed to say when you saw Joel with a bouquet, his hair slicked back and looking too good for your opinion.

Joel expected such a reaction, so he didn't lose his confidence and gently said:

"Hey, Y/N…" He looked you up and down. He saw that you didn't look your best. The fact that you were wearing his t-shirt made him feel both happy and melancholy.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" you hissed.

You wanted to slam the door, preferably to hit him in the nose, but you knew it was pointless. Joel would probably be banging on the door anyway. You would never think that he would take time off work and drive so many miles to see you. This seemed out of character for him. So he must have been desperate.

"I brought your things. I thought it would be better if I did it myself, just to… To make sure they reach you."

You huffed and looked at him disapprovingly. It was such a pathetic excuse.

"Yeah, of course."

Joel lowered his head and scratched the back of his neck.

"I wanted to see you." He said contritely. "Call me an idiot, an asshole… A motherfucker, but… I miss you."

Something about his voice and attitude made you soften. This wasn't the same Joel who hurt you in the hospital. It didn't mean you forgave him, but… You missed him too. You missed his body, the grip of his hands on your hips. You felt yourself getting warm. You had this sudden need to replace your emotional pain with a moment of oblivion. You grabbed Joel by his shirt and dragged him inside. You grabbed the flowers he was holding for you and tossed them aside.

"I missed…" You growled and started to undo his belt. "…for this."

Joel's eyes widened and he gasped in surprise. His hands were shaking as he grabbed yours and tried to stop you from what you were doing.

"Y/N what are you doing… I… That's not what I came for."

You felt like laughing. You knew perfectly well that he wasn't here to have sex. Joel might be an asshole sometimes, but he would never do something like this. You didn't care, you were going to push him over the edge. Use him like a fucking toy.

"I want you to fuck me! Hard, fast, rough… So I can feel it in next day…"

Joel's face turned red and he swallowed hard.

"But… I… I don't want to hurt you."

"I don't give a damn what you want!"

Joel swallowed. Part of him wanted to push you away, beg you to come back to your senses. He didn't come to make love to you. He wanted to talk to you and beg for forgiveness, but on the way to you, he promised himself that he would do whatever you wanted. And you wanted rough sex. So he put aside morality and common sense and turned on his animal instincts. He thought it was too simple, but the truth was that you always turned him on, even in his stretched-out t-shirt. He grabbed your buttocks and picked you up onto the kitchen counter. You smirked. You had him exactly where you wanted him. You saw the bulge in his pants. Joel grabbed your thighs and said:

"Are you sure?"

"Yes."

He didn't need more, he took off your shorts and panties in one move. His hand went to your pussy, but before he could touch your clit, you grabbed his hand.

"No… Without preparation."

Joel looked at you with dark eyes and growled.

"I won't fuck you when you are dry! You want me to hurt you. I'll do it the way you want… Hard… Rough, but…" He sighed and his gaze became pleading. "Please."

You wanted to continue arguing with him, but you knew he was right. He was capable of fucking you so hard that you would feel it the next day, even if he prepared you. You nodded, and his thumb immediately began rubbing rhythmic circles on your clit. His free hand reached for his cock, which was already half-hard.

You tilted your head back and moaned softly as you felt him insert one finger into you.

He too made a few grunts as he stroked his cock, which was already standing proudly.

When you felt yourself getting closer to climax, you grabbed his wrist and growled:

"Enough! I'm ready…"

He looked at you in surprise and grimaced. You knew what he meant. He was a master at preparing you, and he never stopped stretching you with just one finger.

"Are you… Are you sure?"

"Yes."

Joel sighed and shook his head, but he was already aroused and saw that there was no point in arguing with you. He pulled away for a moment and lowered his pants and boxers. He pulled his wallet out of his back pocket and went to pull out a condom, but you stopped him again. This time there was anger in his eyes.

"Y/N…" he growled warningly.

But you weren't going to take a step back.

"I'm not making you finish inside me… You'll take out before you come."

You saw the moment he gave up. He simply didn't have the energy to fight you as his erect cock twitched with anticipation, wanting to feel your warm core.

"All right."

He grabbed your hips and pulled you to the edge of the kitchen counter. You felt his cock head against your pussy. You bit your lip and nodded slightly at him. You knew it would hurt, but you wanted it.

Joel pushed into you with one brutal thrust, causing the air to escape from your lungs. You dug your nails into his shoulders and gasped. Joel moved closer to you. His lips were on your neck as he growled,

"This is what you wanted…" And then, more gently, he added, "Should I stop?"

"NO." You hissed.

And that was it. He figured you got a chance earlier to back out. He wanted you in that animalistic way, even though he knew how wrong it was. He gripped your hips tightly and that was his only warning before he started pounding into you.

He didn't even give you a moment to adjust to his thrusts. You held onto him tightly, completely at his mercy. You had no control over the speed or force of his thrusts. You screamed as the pain mixed with pleasure.

Joel got lost in your body and he couldn't think straight. He finally felt your warm body, and your scent, and heard your voice. For a few seconds, he could forget everything that had happened. He could pretend you never broke up.

He just came home from work and you greeted him in his t-shirt and soaked panties and offered him your pussy instead of dinner. So he accepted it happily and took you here and now.

You moaned louder and louder as you felt your climax getting closer. Your thighs were trembling, your breathing quick and shallow.

"Jooo… I…"

You dug your nails deeper into his flesh as you climaxed. Joel grunted as he felt your vaginal muscles tighten around his cock. He knew he had to get out of you… Quick.

You hissed in pain when he pulled out of you without warning and with a decisive movement. He leaned back and grabbed his dick. A few movements of his hand were enough for him to come. His cum landed on your thighs and the kitchen counter.

Joel pulled up his boxers and pants. He moved closer to you and rested his head on your shoulder, breathing heavily.

You raised your hand, wanting to do what you always did, which was to run your hand through his hair, but in the end, you stopped yourself.

After a few moments, Joel controlled his breathing and pulled away, and then… He grabbed you and held you in his arms. You didn't expect this. He carried you to the couch and carefully laid you down.

"Bathroom?"

"In the hall on the right…" you muttered.

Joel nodded and when he was gone you closed your eyes and sighed. You still felt the pain from his strong thrusts, but it finally made your mind go blank. There were no unnecessary thoughts, just a feeling of fulfillment and pain mixed with pleasure.

You didn't even notice when Joel came back. When you felt the wet, warm towel between your thighs, you yelped in surprise and jumped. Joel immediately placed his hand on your belly and said soothingly:

"I'm just going to clean you up… How are you feeling?"

You blinked in surprise. It's not that Joel was never tender and caring, and yet… He was never that caring. You cleared your throat and muttered:

"I'm okay…"

Joel nodded and placed a soft kiss on your thigh.

"Do you need anything? Water? A painkiller? A warm compress?"

You frowned and shook your head.

"No… I just want to take a nap."

"Of course."

Joel immediately got up and lay down next to you, wrapping his arms around you. Well… that's not what you wanted. But when you felt his warm, strong body pressing against your body, you gave up. When you felt him kiss your head, you allowed yourself to relax. You haven't slept well in weeks. Before you thought twice, you fell into a deep sleep. * In the morning you woke up in bed. You slowly sat up and blinked in surprise. You looked around confused, thinking maybe it was all a dream, but then you moved your hips and felt yourself sore. You looked at your watch and realized that you had slept for over twelve hours. Your eyes widened in surprise. What added to the shock was the fact that there was a glass of water and Advil on the bedside table. After a while, you heard a noise coming from the kitchen. You carefully got out of bed and put on a clean T-shirt and shorts. You slowly moved towards the kitchen. You smelled food, which made you feel hungry. You noticed boxes of your things in the living room. And then Joel standing at the kitchen stove caught your attention. His back was turned to you and you could admire his broad shoulders and muscular back.

Joel turned around and smiled warmly when he saw you.

"Hey… Did you sleep well?"

You frowned, wondering if maybe you were sleeping. You ignored his question and sat down at the kitchen table.

"What happened?"

Joel sighed, the smile disappearing from his face when he noticed that you weren't happy at all.

"You fell asleep… You slept so soundly that my attempts to wake you up were useless. I moved you to the bedroom, brought your things, slept on the couch, and… Now I'm making you breakfast."

You snorted, wondering if he was serious.

"You're making me breakfast? Wow. Where did you get the idea that I wanted that? Where did you get the idea that I wanted you to stay here for the night."

Joel cocked his head to the side as if he didn't even understand what you were saying.

"But… I thought that… We… You…"

You felt irritation rising within you.

"That what? That I forgave you because you fucked me? No, Joel… I just needed it, that's all."

Joel felt like you hit him in the chest with something heavy. Yes, he knew he deserved it. He nodded and looked at you sadly.

"Do you want me to…"

"To come back to Texas. Now."

You were a little afraid that Joel would start arguing with you, that maybe he would say something that would hurt you, but… He just walked to the couch, gathered his things, put on his jacket, and then walked up to you and kissed your head. He took you completely by surprise and you couldn't even push him away.

"Let me know if you need anything, I'll fly to you… And remember that I'm waiting for you. And I will wait as long as you need."

When he left, you realized you had been holding your breath the whole time. You took a shaky breath and felt tears streaming down your cheeks. You couldn't move. You looked at the cup of coffee and cheese toast that Joel had left on the counter. You wrapped your arms around yourself and allowed yourself more tears. *

A/N 1) Before you comment, please bear in mind that I want to show that depression sometimes comes in many forms. Depressed people are prone to dangerous behavior, such as sex with strangers. Unfortunately, I myself found out in the past that physical pain brought me relief from mental pain. If some people are dissatisfied with the reader's behavior, I'm sorry, but no one is forcing you to continue reading.

2) I watched scenes from episode 6 hundreds of times and concluded that Joel is an emotional orphan. Joel cannot express his own feelings, so he adapts to the feelings of others. In the first conversation with Tommy (the one in the bar), Tommy is a bit pushy, tense, and rough, and… Joel reacts with exactly the same emotions. In their second conversation, Tommy shows much more empathy, compassion, and calm, he is more open, so Joel opens up to him. In turn, in a conversation with Ellie, who attacks him (which, by the way, is normal for teenagers), Joel obviously takes on her emotions. And that's why when Y/N throws herself at him and encourages him to have rough sex, he naturally picks up on her lack of control and unbalanced attitude.

Part 2

Part 4

Tag list: @fahemzzz @picketniffler @elliaze @txtattoostark @this--is--music @anavatazes @simplyreading96 @o-sacra-virgo-laudes-tibi @southernbe @sarahhxx03 @noisynightmarepoetry @jasminedragoon @pedromousposts @joeldjarin

Permanentny tag list: @harriedandharassed

#pedro pascal #pedro pascal fanfiction #pedro pascal characters #joel miller #joel miller x you #joel miller x reader #joel miller fanfiction #joel miller fic #the last of us #tlou fanfiction #angst #its so sad #tlou fic

161 notes · View notes

lionlena · 2 months

Text

I can't be everywhere (No outbreak!Joel Miller x f!reader) ANGST! Part 2

Warnings: ANGST, miscarriage, misunderstanding, loss, mourning, broken heart, age gap (17 years), Joel is 45, depression, Joel tries hard, but… He can't show his true emotions…

Part 2

Joel had no self-confidence. He knew it. He might have played the tough guy, but he knew the truth. He was afraid of relationships. Sarah's mother left such a huge hole in his heart that for a long time, he was unable to establish normal relationships with women. At first, he thought it was better this way. He focused on raising his daughter.

Joel was selfish. He hid it behind the statement that he had to care for his daughter and help his brother. But he knew the truth. He did what was comfortable for him and didn't think about the feelings of the other women. He started dating women when Sarah was older and needed less attention. He selfishly used women to satisfy his needs. Most often they were short-lived affairs for him. Sometimes just for one night. He didn't give any woman false hopes for something more serious, so he had no remorse.

He stayed longer with a woman named Tess. But only because he was comfortable with her. Tess was younger than him, but not as significantly as you. She was in a similar situation to Joel. She was a divorcee, raised a teenage son on her own, had her own business, and worked hard. And this arrangement seemed perfect to him. He saw Tess whenever he needed to. Sometimes he stayed overnight with her, and sometimes she stayed with him. They were together, although neither of them planned to make it official. And then suddenly it fell apart… And two months later he met you.

At first, he tried to stay away from you. However, he couldn't help but glance at you. There was something attractive about you. He saw how you treated other people with kindness. He noticed that despite your young age, you were very responsible and weren't the party type. And he loved your laugh. God, how he loved your laugh. He could be busy drilling holes and he would still recognize your laughter. Even Tommy noticed that his brother had a crush on you and casually told Joel one day.

"Her name is Y/N and if I understand correctly, she is single."

Joel looked at him in surprise and grunted, "So what? I don't care."

"Yeah, sure… I'm just saying."

Two weeks later, he saved you when you locked yourself in the bathroom and he was able to say your name out loud for the first time. And when he looked into your beautiful eyes that looked at him with gratitude, he felt like a knight who saved the princess and then it happened… Joel Miller fell in love… And he really wanted to be with you. Being with you was like a breath of fresh air to him. He felt younger around you, and at the same time, he didn't feel any pressure from you to be someone else. He saw that you fully accepted him and he was happy. So much so that he wanted to have you even closer to him. He wanted to see you every morning and evening.

And you were so sweet to him. Before he knew it, he was already used to home-cooked meals, your massages, and shared showers. And he was selfish again. He didn't notice that he was taking away your youth, that he was turning you into a housewife. He told himself that's what you wanted. He stopped thanking you for dinners and all the other little things you did for him. He thought it was a part of you.

Everything was going perfectly. Everything was set and stable and Joel wanted nothing more and that was the problem. Joel didn't want to change ANYTHING. So the news of your pregnancy turned his sense of stability upside down. After all, he was a responsible man, so he wasn't going to abandon you. But he couldn't drive away the shadows that appeared around him. Even though he didn't show it to you, he was panicking. And for many reasons. He knew that the baby would change everything, that HE would have to change. But he didn't know if he would be able to. He was also worried that having a child would be too much for you, even though he saw that you weren't like Sarah's mother. He was worried about money, about your health, about… So many things that he just couldn't feel joy.

He knew that avoiding you was stupid and that it wouldn't change anything. He had to come to terms with the idea of becoming a dad for the second time. He didn't want to let you down, and yet he didn't know how to change.

The day you called him to tell him your belly hurt, he felt a twinge of fear. When you finished talking, he felt guilty. What if his dislike for this child and lack of joy caused a curse? He even stopped the car on the side of the road and considered turning around, but… Joel Miller was a coward and decided to distort reality. He figured that if he didn't turn back, nothing bad would happen. And then everything got even worse. He was distracted and left his phone in the car. When Tommy asked him for car keys because he wanted to go pick up some building supplies, Joel didn't think twice. Only later did he realize his stupidity. You might want to contact him. When Tommy finally returned, Joel immediately checked his phone. Three missed calls from you and one text message… The content of the message was etched in his chest. He had to lean on the car to keep from falling over.

His brother's voice seemed muffled.

"Jo… Bro, what happened?"

When he could finally take a deeper breath, he croaked.

"Y/N is in the hospital… I think it's about the baby…"

Tommy sighed heavily, not sure how to react. He saw how reluctant Joel was to the idea of having another child, but he hoped that his brother would come to his senses and change his mind, but it was too late.

"You should go to her."

"She definitely hates me."

Tommy snorted and grabbed his brother's arm.

"Sometimes I can't believe you're the older one. Even if she hates you now, your ass should be in the hospital… It was your baby too!"

Joel took a step back and felt the sting of tears in his eyes.

"I know…"

His brother softened a bit.

"Shall I take you to her?"

He shook his head and gripped his keys tighter, then got into the car. All the way to the hospital he kept telling himself that he had to be strong. He wanted to be your support, but… The moment he saw you in the hospital bed… So vulnerable, dressed in a terrible salmon hospital gown, his heart sank. You didn't deserve this. You didn't deserve all this suffering and an asshole boyfriend like him. He felt like he let you down. Instead of focusing on your suffering, he fell into self-blame.

So when you woke up, he didn't know what to do. He thought that just hugging you would be enough. He hoped this gesture would let you know how sorry he was. But Joel was a fool.

And when you asked, "Why weren't you with me?" he felt as if all his worst fears had come true.

You hated him. It was obvious. He left you when you needed him the most. He felt like he was going to fall apart and start crying like a baby. So he did what he always did when he felt like this, he put on a tough guy pose and answered back with the sentence that hurt you so much.

"I can't be everywhere."

And, the moment those words left his mouth, he realized how he had screwed up. How could he be such an asshole to blame you? But he couldn't take it back. When you said you wanted to sleep, he thought it was the perfect excuse to retreat and run away.

Joel Miller was selfish again. He wanted to protect his heart and his feelings without understanding how much he hurt you. But when he returned home, he felt empty… He walked into the bedroom on heavy legs, and when he saw a blood stain on the sheet, he fell apart. He fell to the floor and started crying like a baby.

How could he do this to you? He didn't deserve you, your kindness and love, but he couldn't let go of you. When he calmed down, he decided to clean up and then he had a brilliant idea. He decided that the best way to survive this crisis was to downplay the significance of the tragedy. Yes. He decided that he needed to help you get back to normal life as soon as possible. There was no point in despairing any longer.

A tragedy had befallen you, but he couldn't change anything.

The problem was that his plan didn't work. For the next few days, he was only met with your indifference. No matter how nice he was, you didn't respond in any way. His idealized relationship disappeared like a mirage. There were no more warm dinners, sweet kisses, and joyful smiles.

When he saw you lying on the couch, eyes glued to the TV, he felt guilt consume him. He even started to want you to react in any way. He would even prefer you to scream at him, throw plates at him, cry, but… You were just like a ghost. A ghost that haunted him and reminded him of how he had screwed up.

When he came home and didn't see you on the couch, he was naively happy at first. He thought you were finally feeling better. Maybe you were reading a book in the bedroom and waiting for him… Or taking a shower… Then it slowly dawned on him that something was wrong. It was too empty and too quiet.

"Y/N!"

Joel looked into the bedroom, the bathroom, and even to Sarah's room.

"Y/N, baby, where are you?!"

He finally walked into the kitchen and found a note from you. He read it once… Second, third… Tenth time… And he didn't understand anything. He felt like you had ripped his heart out. First, he felt anger and even thoughts appeared in his mind: Well, let her go… But it quickly disappeared…

He started to panic because he suddenly realized how much he loved you. He took out his phone and tried to call you, but you didn't answer. He tried again and again… Finally, with trembling hands, he texted you:

'Babe… I know I deserve it and that you're hurt, but please, at least write that you're okay. I want you to be safe… I love you.'

He didn't even care that his message sounded desperate. For the first time in a long time, he wasn't ashamed to admit his feelings. He took a bottle of beer and sat on the couch with a piece of paper in his hand. He focused on the words: … for a while. He clung to these few words so tightly that he didn't want to pay attention to the rest. He wanted to cling to the hope that it wasn't too late… He wanted to believe that you would come back to him, after some time… * It was a long drive from Austin to Florida, so halfway you decided to stop and sleep at a motel. You even started to regret not taking the plane, but you were so desperate that you couldn't think straight. When you threw yourself on the crappy bed with a groan, you decided to check your phone. Throughout the trip, you consistently ignored checking to see if Joel had called you. When you saw a few calls from him and a text message, it made you feel better on one hand. At least he was thinking about you. When you read his message, you were shocked. It didn't sound like, Joel… Did he realize his mistake? But on the other hand, it also sounded a bit infantile, as if you had argued over something trivial, and not lost a child. But you knew it would be unrealistic to expect a long essay from someone like Joel. He just wasn't that type. You sighed and rolled onto your back, your phone raised above your head. Part of you wanted to be mean and not text him back. You wanted to leave him in suspense, but… It just wasn't fair. You believed his concern for you in that moment was genuine. So you bit your lip and replied:

'I'm okay.'

Almost immediately, your phone started ringing. You rejected Joel's call and in half a minute there was another message.

'Where are you? Can we talk?'

You snorted and were about to use obscene words, but you stayed calm.

'On the way to Florida. I don't want to talk.' * Joel's heart trembled when he read your message. Florida?! It almost sounded like the North Pole. He was counting on you being somewhere closer, that he could just get in the car and drive to you. His hands began to shake as he wrote another message. Although he wasn't sure he wanted to know the answer.

'For how long?'

When he got your answer, he felt as if someone had poured a bucket of ice water on him.

'I don't know, for a month, for two… forever.'

He felt like screaming. He was angry with you. Yes, he knew he was the one who screwed up, but if you had at least let him talk to you. He decided to approach you from a slightly different angle and let some of his anger flow out of him.

'What about your job, what about our lives, what about your things… Everything?' * You groaned in annoyance when you saw his message. This is cold old Joel who calculates everything. As if emotions played no role. You waited a few minutes and sent him another message.

'I can do my job remotely, and if not, I will find a new one. Apparently, only I cared about our life together. And my things… You can pack them up and throw them in the basement!'

Then you put your head under the pillow and turned off your phone. You had enough. * Joel sighed deeply as he read your message and realized that he had screwed up again. He just didn't know what he was doing wrong… How could he fix it? He went to the bedroom and grabbed your sweatshirt from the locker. Then he lay down on the bed and pressed his nose into the soft material. He certainly wasn't going to throw your stuff into the basement. Your things were the last thing that gave him hope that he wasn't completely alone because of him acting like a dick. * When you reached your friend, Maddie, you felt a sense of relief… Momentary peace. For a moment, it seemed as if all the bad things were behind you. All the pain, suffering, and loss no longer affected you, but that was just an illusion. When Maddie hugged you and told you she was sorry for your loss, you broke down and started crying. No matter how much you tried to downplay your loss, it hurt just as much as it did in the hospital when Joel left you.

Once you calmed yourself, you two sat down together on the floor in her living room and opened a bottle of wine. You started talking. You could finally let it all out. At one point Maddie said:

"God… What a terrible guy! That's what it's like with these older guys. They expect…"

"Do not say that!"

Your outburst of anger surprised both you and her.

"What?"

You took a long sip of wine and tried to hold back the tears.

"Joel is not a monster… Yes, he let me down and… Maybe our relationship isn't perfect, but… Our relationship wasn't just a failure. When he held me in his arms when we cuddled on the couch… Life with him was pleasant and his age didn't change that…"

You couldn't stop crying anymore and the first tears rolled down your cheeks. Maddie frowned and muttered.

"You… Do you still love him?"

You closed your eyes and sighed heavily. It was obvious. You couldn't just kill this love.

"Yes," you whispered.

"And yet you left him."

You opened your eyes and your friend saw deep pain.

"It's just… Sometimes you can't be everywhere." *

Permanentny tag list: @harriedandharassed

Part 1

Part 3

169 notes · View notes