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viksalos · 1 year

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realizing i will probably never be normal about religion. every era of my life adds another layer of weirdness in this regard and i’ve been ruminating about it a lot lately, so i tried to list all my weirdnesses chronologically in the hope that it will help somehow. i gloss over a fair amount of related abuse and medical trauma so it’s ideally not *too* much of a bummer, but nonetheless it is still very long so don’t feel obligated to read. would appreciate a like if you do read all the way through though, if for no other reason than it seems like a lot of the time this history makes me feel i don’t quite belong anywhere other than in a random assortment of friends and mutuals lol

maternal family is Pennsylvania Dutch & Lutheran, grandma flees central PA to escape judgement surrounding her shotgun wedding to my grandpa/birth of my mom

mom has me, baptizes me Lutheran, then later has a change of heart and converts to Judaism, completes the process when I am 4 (thus by halacha my Jewish status is sometimes a matter of theological debate--I was born and raised by a Jewish mother, but she wasn’t Jewish *when* I was born)

dad suddenly gets really weird about mom “disrespecting our Christian heritage” despite not really practicing Christianity before, divorces her shortly after her conversion, they get joint custody so 1 week with dad 1 week with mom

antics ensue. on Mom Week we get taken to synagogue, on Dad Week we get taken to random churches including a black church one time (?? we’re white) and Xenos Christian Fellowship for a few months

tangent: look up Xenos Christian Fellowship if you want to head down an awful rabbithole sometime. tl;dr it operated as a megachurch while we were there but its true strength/horror lies in its home church & small group activities. it’s 100% a cult

we weren’t there long enough to get the worst of it but one of my clearest childhood memories is being taken away from the adults’ service in the megachurch to a side room for the kids’ service, where we were told that if every one of us converted 2 people tomorrow, and every one of our converts converted 2 people the next day and so on, the entire world would be Christian in a month. it is/was a factory for turning kids into little missionaries designed to spread the religion like a virus

both parents get mad or upset when I express any amount of belief in the “opposing” religion or nonbelief in theirs. another clear childhood memory of being *really* little in synagogue and deciding not to say aloud the words to a prayer--mom asks why and I said something like “well Daddy said we shouldn’t because we’re not *really* Jewish.” I thought I was doing the right thing and following my parent’s rules, now mom’s crying. felt really bad for that one

especially: no bat mitzvah for either myself or my sister bc it would make my dad mad. this is another theological wrinkle in my Jewish status also I think, especially because mom’s Reform so there’s no debate about whether girls should do bat mitzvot

teenage atheist phase. easier to just believe nothing at all, right? this neatly absolves me of having to deal with any of that previous war-of-the-religions nonsense, and the burgeoning New Atheist movement at the time allows me to have an online escape from my home life as well as encouragement as an aspiring scientist that science will replace religion as humanity’s candle in the dark. unfortunately the New Atheists prove to be dogmatic in their own ways, and bigoted in ways that people in the movement didn’t really seem to have the words to describe until the oncoming social justice movement finally splits them apart.

another memory: confessing to my mom that I didn’t believe in God, saying that all religions are harmful, when what I probably meant was that so far religions have been harmful to *me.* mom’s crying again, felt bad for that one again. but it was part of the unravelling of New Atheism for me and as a whole I think: their critiques of religion were mainly with Christianity, and they posited religion as the sole source of so many complicated sociopolitical ills, such that all other religions were thrown under the bus and rampant antisemitism and islamophobia was the result

(dad starts randomly saying he’s a Buddhist. doesn’t really change how he acts or try to teach us any Buddhist concepts or whatever, it’s just a thing he says. weird)

eventually (late college/early master’s degree?) (re)discover secular Judaism, and Jewish concepts of wrestling with God. decide to tell my mom and sister I want to start participating in some of the holidays and rituals with them again. joke that struggling with Jewish faith under adverse conditions (dad custody weeks) might actually be pretty Jewish. bitter laughter all around, understanding

move to Pittsburgh for my PhD, no longer have access to my home synagogue, don’t have time to join a new one, eventually the pandemic hits so I couldn’t even if I wanted to

get engaged to my now-husband. in-laws are Catholic; his grandpa was a deacon. mother-in-law is upset that we won’t get married in a church. mother-in-law is upset about a lot of things with me, in general. we are now estranged

get into dnd with my new friends in Pittsburgh. all of my characters are heretics or syncretists or outright zealots. surely there’s no reason for this

get into heavy metal because the blastbeats and mostly unintelligible lyrics help me focus on my work. metal really loves its Satanic imagery as an ostensible “fuck you” to Christianity, which I find compelling but moreso just campy & fun. don’t really think about it too hard for a while

have a really hard winter mental health-wise from late 2020-early 2021. get recommended Lingua Ignota around this time, probably due to the heavy metal and the mental health. here though I think, is someone who struggles with God in a way I can relate to. later in 2021 she releases Sinner Get Ready which uses central Pennsylvanian Christianity as a backdrop, in which my whole family story started, and which seems present even as it creeps into the outskirts of Pittsburgh. for these reasons among others it’s just really unfortunate for my brain worms

get vaccine, get married by my hometown synagogue’s rabbi as he’s the only clergyman myself or my husband are comfortable with. my dad does his part, walks me down the aisle, then sends me a letter during our honeymoon about how being Jewish is disrespecting my husband and it’s why my in-laws don’t like me. one week later on the night of Sinner Get Ready’s release, during my first listen, i burn the letter and mix its ashes with black dye for my first battle jacket

make more Jewish friends and metalhead friends, be mostly accepted by them. get one of my Jewish metalhead friends to take me to a lingy show in his city in exchange for me taking him to an Epica show in mine. joke that headbanging is kinda like bowing in prayer

make friends with a couple local shape note singers, and most recently--inadvertently end up being invited into both a secular Sacred Harp choir and a witch coven by one of them. (that this is the same person is so funny to me. she is also my labmate’s wife and was one of my bridesmaids. she is very dear to me.)

the witches let me light my hanukkiah at their solstice gathering. they think my impromptu battle jacket fire ritual is very cool; they do a lot of fire rituals themselves. (this is relieving because I was sure that telling anybody i’d done it would get me sent to the psych ward.) they lend me a book on Pennsylvanian folk magic.

so that’s where i’m at right now--haven’t even read the book yet.

#idk. the recent sequence of lingy show->hanukkah->solstice->christmas has me in a state of religious whiplash #and seeing questions about who can and can't light a menorah.#i did this year because i have for years with my family; and before that my mom did.#but suddenly ruminating on whether i'm *enough* for any given community had me crying again #i realize the answer is probably that i need to see if i can start attending the reform synagogue in pgh #but yanno idk if the rabbi will accept me. and the last time i stepped foot in there was when they were holding a shabbat service #for the whole city after the tree of life shooting #which is its own painful memory #and i def need to graduate from my phd first. i barely have time for ''extracurriculars'' as it is if i'm honest #anyways. most of this i've spoken about here in various bits and bites so some of this might not be new to y'all #but i'm also afraid of like. antisemites finding it and drawing certain conclusions about me or my communities in general #so yknow. please be gentle #turning off reblogs so it stays in my circle of lots of also religiously weird mutuals #i probably won't get this personal on here again.#text

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widevibratobitch · 4 months

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#vent post vent post lalalala #i wanted to post some pictures from my weekend trip with my friends before its too late but then i saw my fucking face and now i wanna kms #like oh my god. oh my god this is really truly the face im stuck with forever and ever and ever till the day im fuckin rotting in the groun #incredible how unfair life can be lmao (<- girl who is having such incredibly superficial stupid fucking problems but is otherwise #quite privileged but of course that will never be fucking enough for her because she's soooooo fckn stupid and selfish and annoyinggg lol)#i dont know why im so obsessed with it now #like i genuinely remember KNOWING that im kinda ugly (and fat) in high school and being like 'so what lol idc'#so WHY is it such an issue now?????#idk. i just kinda wish i was dead every time i look at my face and realise there's nothing i can do to change it #i can dress in ways that will cover my ugly ass shapeless body. maybe i can even go back to my ed properly this time #and lose some weight. for a time. before i gain back twice as much and the circle begins anew lol #but my face is not gonna change no matter what i do lmao unless i fucking scrape it off with a grater or smash my head into pieces #and like. even if i do get that rhinoplasty (its not gonna change my faceshape anyway. nothing i can do to fix THAT fuckin atrocity)#every time ill look in the mirror i will only be reminded that its fake. and that my natural face was disgusting enough it had to be cut up #to be fixed somewhat.#i just wish i had ONE. just ONE nice thing about my body. literally just one its not even funny lol #and its so fucked up when you look at my mom who was so insanely fucking beautiful when she was my age. like. i cant blame her #cause how could she have known that the genes she'll pass on will not result in anything good lol but also i feel like such a failure #like its not really my fault i got the genes i got. but yknow.#anyway im tired of always being the ugliest person in any group im hanging out with. my cousins? check. my hometown friends? check.#my uni friends? my GOD check (how ARE they all so pretty and skinny??? insane).#god i wish i were dead. like fr fr. im not actively suicidal since i cant bring myself to *do* shit anyway. but i just wish i never existed

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pyrriax · 5 months

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goodnight-not-goodnight tumblr :)

(im going to go curl up and write for a while. probably also work on writing down some concepts for fics i need to work on)

#haunted ecosystem #animal death #for the tags #im veeeery tired and my emotions are a little out of wack (had a weird day yesterday and my brain hasnt fully caught up yet so. yeah)#today is a day where i feel like a scared rabbit in the world.#i know i have a whole bit about being super content and loving and happy and all that but people are people yknow?#its hard to kill something thats embedded in the very way you function. you cant convince your heart to stop beating because it hurts #etc etc dont mind me ^_^ im just putting my thoughts into words.#i realize a lot of stuff i do circles around to rabbits and dogs. dead or alive it doesnt matter.#you handle enough dying animals you learn to embed that into the way you think and work. i forgot most people arent used to that stuff #to most people death is a rarity to avoid. to me its just a part of life. every few months im holding something as it dies.#its interesting. i appreciate death in the same way i hear people talk of life. its beautiful in its own way.

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seithr · 6 months

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rl chatterin in tags, dont worry about it just feel like talking about recent stuff. for those who dont care look at this birdthang i won on xiv then. my silly big bird..

#i dont owe explanation to anyone yeah i kno but i was going through something kinda rough the last little while and wanted to disappear #idk if it was at all noticeable but i feel like acknowledging it is healthier than feeling embarassed pretending i was Totally Fine.#alas im back and im... still just gona post on as normal. i can enjoy my Own Circle Of Enjoyment because im allowed to enjoy parts of life #even if i felt like utter death it doesnt mean i have to drag myself back to it once im finally crawling out.#it doesn't mean it didn't happen. doesn't mean it didn't hurt. but i dont have to reopen the wounds to prove something yknow.#i want to be alright and I will take these. when i feel i want to be happy i should not deny the pleasure of messaging friends #or little joys of any kind no matter how 'insignificant it is' next to my real stresses. you have to have something you smile about #and when you're ready to again why try and put it off? anyways. no idea if this makes sense. im tired but good i think.#i have to give myself little hype up shounen talks about joys and loves and life sometimes. its just gonna happen.#armour clanking #however i AM allowed to feel a little shy talking and being honest again so this is scheduled . hello. gootbye. ya boy hanging on 👍#possibly employed boy at last even. probably contributed to getting better was that hope. ok no more sharing for real GOODNIGHT (MORNING)

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jonny-b-meowborn · 7 months

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Dude I miss the feeling of being in love. Like no one ever loved me back and I've never been in a relationship, so I can't miss that, and while I'd love to date someone, I just really miss the feeling of having a crush on someone

#ive had only two serious crushes in my life #and while neither of them liked me back. it was still noce #when we were friends #but right now i dont even have that many friends i dont have anyone to have a crush on #like im demi so other than my friends i dont love people like that #and my friend circle has been getting smaller and smaller with years #ive had the closets friendships in high school before i failed a year #they moved on without me and that hurt me but im mostly fine with that now #the new class i had to join. i cant call anyone there a friend #im not talking with a single person from that class #not that i hated them all but i havent been close enough with anyone to call them friends #and now its just. my best friend that i met in my first class in high school #a friend from dorm #and like some family that im close with but yknow. thats not where im gonna look for a date lmao #and like. literally i have two close friends now #and im not interested in any of them #and like its one frustrating thing to not have a partner but a different thing is to not even have anyone that could become my partner #like i have no choices around me #and i just. feel lonely #and you know what i wish someone was interested in me romantically. never happened before.#even if thats not someone I'd like to be with i just. want to know its possible for someone to like me that way #cause like sure the cousin's cute friend is into me in some way but. not romantically #and that is cool as fuck to know i can be desirable but i also want to know if im lovable #does that make sense?#like its great to get that kind of attention but im ace theres nothing id do about that lmao #even if more people would find me hot that doesnt change the fact that no one ever found me. yknow. interesting?#idk im just at that age when most of my peers are either in relationships or were in relationships or at least tried to be #and its a bit frustrating #in my Single and Sad era lmao #bee buzz

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zeawesomebirdie · 1 year

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#this isnt a vent post this is just one of those weirdly personal posts that like probably shouldnt be posted yknow #something something about how lovely it is to be once again in a position where literally the only thing i am capable of doing is writing #but this time its in a supportive fandom(s) instead of an @nti circle #and how nice it is #how nice to be able to pop on here and say something very very hinged about sheev or hawkeye or whomever whatever #and to vagueblog about my writing and have people actually encourage me #and idk #i just love yall so much #i love how supportive fandom is #i love how we're all doing our own little thing in our own little corner of the internet but we're all cheering each other on #and im really very grateful to be in this position here #to be on this app with yall weirdos who are just like me #and to be supported by yall and be able to support yall too #so if youre reading this:#thank you for being a part of my tumblr and fandom life #i love you #may you always find joy and happiness in all your passions #may the next year bring joy #and may you feel the same love you have given me #thanks

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cheswirls · 6 days

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no idea why ywr/iwf has gotten an influx of kudos over the past week but its been both a compliment and an irk tbh

#esp since its JUST been that one and nothing for pdf despite pdf being linked in the notes #i guess someone shared it again or at least thats the only reason i can think of rn #which is like..................gee sure would LOVE to see why someone liked reading it enough to share in their circle #if only there were some way.................to share positive opinions with a fic author...............................where they can see i #(this is THE reason i hated this fic for so long after completing it btw #if you like smth enough to rave abt it online plsplspls express that to the author as well #i appreciate kudos but they literally do nothing for me at this point yknow?#if you dont leave me a comment on ao3 or message me directly then how am i ever gonna know if #a fic of mine changed your life. like rly honestly srsly copy-paste your rambling after posting it wherever #and slap that shit onto an ao3 comment)#anyway this got long but i am so so tired #i hope everyone who read ywr/iwf this week also read pdf at some point bc i like that one better #like i would rather someone read both and only leave kudos on pdf but also like #this fic specifically (ywr/iwf) absolutely kills me a little inside bc i only found out how well-loved it is years later #and had i not been part of smth and been told that indirectly (and then directly by exactly one person) then i never would have known ever #which. like. yea i do still have a chip on my shoulder #i thought i wrote pdf as a follow-up and got over it but i guess the fuck not #anyway the last time i got an influx of kudos was bc someone recc'd it so maybe this time ill get smth more substantial out of it #(i say this not expecting anything actually mmmmmmm)

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clamorybus · 11 months

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i shouldn't laugh but both times luna caught a rabbit and killed it, she looks at it on the ground then does the same jumping motion she does to coax maya to get up and play. that poor dumb ass

#i feel horrible each time it happened #i know 'circle of life' and all that but if housecats are considered an evasive species that can harm the environment #then i feel like the same can apply to dogs yknow?#like luna isn't malicious or evil for it ofc but its still damaging to the local wildlife #especially since this one was a baby #mickey.txt #animal death

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countingprimes · 1 year

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Dear white people, when I say I consider myself more American than an immigrant because I was so young when I came over doesn’t make me the same as you. Being first generation is a fucking VASTLY different experience than being a fucking White Person raised in White America, despite the apparent success of my cultural assimilation.

Evidently if I don’t constantly remind people I am an immigrant to this fucking country white people will just try to act like my experience is equivalent to theirs. I’m genuinely sickened.

I love clocking an enraging microaggression days later when I can’t fucking say anything about it. To add insult to injury this person is going to be walking around considering me basically white. I am incandescent with rage.

#me: i generally see myself as basically American because I came over so young #him: Yknow what I respect that #me: and so I always think I know about American culture but there are constantly new things I’m learning about it #me two days later: wait a MOTHERFUCKING SECOND WHAT DID HE SAY TO ME #assimilation has made my ability to move in white circles much easier and eased a lot of friction in my social life #but the older I get the more I see it for the poison it really is #white supremacy has its claws so fucking deep inside their brains they don’t even realize when they are doing it

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pabotofus · 1 year

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tumblr tag therapy.docx

#what i want forever #emmas thots #emma rambles #see what i think is happening here is. like. we are.... so small yknow?#and its like. what we want... well. i wont speak for everyone. what EYE want. is just someone to go through it with!! and its like. i wish.#for that kind of connection. where it's just Obvious oh those two... yea they're a pair. (this is the iwaoi stan effect speaking 😖) but...#and like. if you've liked someone for a long time. at what point is getting over them a betrayal to your emotions yknow? like if u thought #oh this is going to last because i like them That Much and because i believe in (cliche cartoon voice) The Power Of Real Love xoxo #and after a while you realize hey this isn't working out. like. if you were to stop and move on. that feels like. to me kind of like...#like saying oh actually your feelings weren't that serious if you're just going to stop now #and i know you won't just love one person in your life (typically speaking) but it's like. how do you contextualize the feeling of #this is definitively what i want forever #vs #this won't work and i have to find another option #like if i get over and find smth else 1. isn't that a betrayal to the thing i wanted and 2. how can i ever feel like #my future feelings are legitimate if i was able to get over smth i felt That Strongly about once #but like i KNOW i can't be hung up on this forever it's not good. but like.#i feel like im talking in circles. this is not a problem i know how to solve. im just going to sit back and let whatever happens happen...#i have bigger more pressing worries rn (orgo exam :skull emoji:)

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zapreportsblog · 8 months

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OH MY LORD I LOVE EVERYTHING YOU WRITE FOR ME ❤️❤️❤️❤️

Now imma bother u again lol.

I need more angst and fluff hahah sorryyy.

So another argument between the poly!volturi kings x reader where they say something like “You are my greatest regret to ever have come into my life.”

And reader burst ot in tears and she is already suicidal so yknow she just gives up, they stop her and so on. And then she Apologises or something and they say some like this.

“You didn’t do anything wrong. Don’t you dare try and apologize for something you haven’t done or anything to do with!”

Pleaseee🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈🙈 Love ya byeee❤️❤️❤️

↱ ending things ↰

➘ summary : remember words can hurt so best be careful with what you say

➘ the volturi x reader , aro x reader x marcus x caius

➘ a/n : I did as asked….though you didn’t say anything about there needing to be a happy ending hehehehe though I gave you the closure of an apology that was the fluff part; cheers!

Within the hallowed halls of the Volturi castle, tension hung heavy in the air, an unspoken weight that seemed to seep into every corner. The kings of the vampire world, Aro, Marcus, and Caius, stood in a circle, their expressions marred by frustration and anger. In their midst stood (y/n), the human mate of these immortal beings, her eyes brimming with a mixture of defiance and hurt.

Arguing had become an unsettling pattern, each disagreement intensifying the fractures within their relationship. Tonight, the culmination of unresolved issues reached a breaking point.

"Why can't you see reason, (y/n)?!" Aro's voice rose with exasperation, his eyes aflame with frustration.

"Because this isn't just about what you want, Aro!" (Y/n)'s voice trembled with emotion, her own frustration taking its toll.

Caius, his usual calm veneer shattered, couldn't contain his anger any longer. "You are my greatest regret to ever have come into my life," he spat, his words laced with venom.

The words hung in the air like a poison, the silence that followed suffocating. (Y/n)'s eyes widened in shock, her heart clenched with a pain she had never anticipated. She felt as if the ground beneath her feet had crumbled, her world shattered by the weight of Caius' words.

Tears welled in her eyes, a mixture of anger and heartbreak roiling within her chest. Without another word, she turned on her heel and fled, her footsteps echoing down the corridor as she sought refuge from the pain that seemed to grip her soul.

As she ran through the twisting passages of the castle, her thoughts were a tumultuous storm. How had it come to this? The love that had once bound them felt distant and fractured, replaced by hurtful words and unspoken resentments.

Reaching a secluded chamber, (y/n) collapsed onto a stone bench, her breath coming in ragged gasps. She wrapped her arms around herself, as if seeking to shield her heart from the agony that seemed to seep into every fiber of her being.

The door creaked open, and she looked up to see Marcus standing in the doorway. His expression was a mixture of regret and sadness, a reflection of the turmoil that had torn their bond asunder.

"(Y/n)," he began softly, his voice a gentle murmur, "I know things have been difficult."

She met his gaze, her eyes filled with a mixture of pain and confusion. "Marcus, what has happened to us?"

His footsteps were soft as he approached her, sitting beside her on the bench. "We let our differences and frustrations build up, and we forgot the strength of our connection."

Tears flowed freely down (y/n)'s cheeks, her emotions raw and exposed. "Caius... his words..."

Marcus sighed, his gaze distant as if lost in his own thoughts. "Caius is burdened by his past, (y/n). It wasn't an excuse for what he said, but it's important to understand that his emotions are complex."

The echoes of the argument still reverberated in (y/n)'s mind as she stepped out of the castle, a tumultuous mix of emotions threatening to engulf her. The cold night air stung against her skin, a stark contrast to the heated tension she had left behind. Seeking respite, she wandered through the quiet streets until she found herself on a bridge that spanned a calm river.

Perching on the ledge, her feet hanging over the water, (y/n) let out a deep sigh. The night sky stretched above her, stars flickering like distant beacons. Her thoughts were a storm of conflicting emotions – anger, hurt, confusion – and they mingled with the ever-present shadow of her mental health struggles.

Gazing down at the water, (y/n) traced the ripples with her eyes, lost in the rhythm of their gentle dance. Her relationship with the Volturi kings had been a source of joy and turmoil, an intricate dance between love and frustration. But tonight, their argument had unleashed a torrent of emotions she struggled to contain.

Tears welled up in her eyes, her heart heavy with the weight of it all. She had always battled her own inner demons, the darkness that threatened to consume her. Her mental health had been a constant companion, sometimes a gentle whisper and at other times a deafening roar.

As she stared at the water, the tranquility of the scene before her offered a fleeting sense of solace. It was a reminder that even amidst the chaos, there were moments of stillness and beauty. But the struggle within her heart was far from over.

With a heavy sigh, (y/n) leaned back, resting her weight on her hands. Her thoughts drifted to the times of laughter and connection she had shared with the Volturi kings. But they were now overshadowed by the hurtful words and the fractures in their once strong bond. She felt lost in a sea of emotions, uncertain of how to navigate her feelings.

Her mental health struggles, too, gnawed at the edges of her thoughts. The battles fought within her own mind often left her feeling exhausted, and tonight was no exception. It was as if her inner turmoil had found its way into her external world, amplifying the pain she felt.

As the moonlight cast its silvery glow over the Volturi castle, a sense of unease settled within its halls. The lower guard had just informed the kings that (y/n) had left the castle, setting their hearts racing with worry. Without a moment's hesitation, Aro, Marcus, and Caius followed the scent that led them through the winding paths of the castle grounds and out into the night.

The scent was a trail of uncertainty, a reflection of the turmoil that had led her to leave. Each step carried them closer to the bridge that spanned the quiet river, and the kings felt their anxiety rise with every passing second.

Approaching the bridge, they saw her figure seated on the edge, her silhouette framed against the moonlit waters below. The wind rustled her hair, and her shoulders seemed weighed down by the burden of her thoughts.

"(Y/n)!" Aro's voice was a mixture of relief and concern as he called out to her, his footsteps slowing.

Hearing their voices, (y/n) turned to face them, her expression a mix of surprise and sadness. The sight of the three kings standing before her felt surreal, a reminder of the complexities of their bond.

Marcus stepped forward, his voice gentle. "We were worried about you, (y/n)."

Caius' gaze was piercing, his eyes reflecting his inner turmoil. "Why did you leave?"

Tears welled up in (y/n)'s eyes as she met Caius' gaze. His voice held a note of desperation that struck a chord deep within her. She had caused them to worry, to fear the worst, and the guilt gnawed at her heart.

"I needed some space," she admitted, her voice wavering with emotion.

Caius' expression softened, his concern evident as he took a step closer. "You scared us, (y/n)."

The bridge seemed to hang in a delicate balance, the emotions of the moment swirling like a storm. And then, with a desperation that seemed to pierce the very air, Caius pleaded, "Please, don't do anything rash."

His words hung heavy, the weight of his concern palpable. (Y/n) could see the fear in his eyes, the raw vulnerability he rarely revealed. It was a reminder that their bond, as fractured as it was, still held a deep connection.

"I sorry, Caius," she chocked, her voice trembling. "I sorry, I’m so sorry,” she cried like a broken record.

The air seemed to thicken with tension as (y/n) and the three kings stood on the bridge, their emotions swirling in the night. Caius' plea had pierced the silence, his concern palpable, and the weight of his words hung in the air like a heavy shroud.

Caius took a tentative step forward, his gaze unwavering as he locked eyes with (y/n). His voice was a mixture of remorse and desperation as he spoke, his words cutting through the charged atmosphere.

"Don't you dare apologize. You haven't done anything wrong. This is my fault."

Tears welled up in (y/n)'s eyes as she met Caius' gaze. She felt the truth in his words, the raw sincerity of his regret. But the turmoil within her heart couldn't be silenced by reason alone, and a choked apology escaped her lips.

"I'm sorry, Caius. I'm so sorry."

Caius' frustration seemed to deepen as he closed the distance between them, his movements deliberate and careful. His voice softened, a mixture of tenderness and self-blame.

"Stop apologizing. You don't have to carry this burden."

But (y/n) could only shake her head, the weight of her own emotions bearing down on her. "I'm sorry, Caius. I'm tired."

The words were a whisper, a reflection of her weariness. The constant battles within her own mind, the complexities of their relationship – it all felt like too much to bear.

And then, before anyone could react, a shocking moment unfolded. (Y/n) stepped back, her gaze still locked on Caius, her voice trembling as she whispered, "I'm sorry," one last time.

And then she jumped.

Time seemed to freeze in that agonizing instant, the sound of her body hitting the water echoing in their ears. A primal surge of panic coursed through them, their hearts racing as they stared at the spot where she had been.

Aro, Marcus, and Caius were paralyzed, the shock of the moment rendering them immobile. The bridge that had once represented a moment of reflection had now become the stage for a heart-wrenching tragedy.

As reality settled in, Caius' expression twisted with a mixture of grief and disbelief. He felt as though his very soul had been torn asunder, his voice frozen in his throat.

"(Y/n)?" Aro's voice was a whisper, his eyes wide with shock.

The ripples on the water were the only answer, their gentle dance a stark contrast to the chaos of emotions that roiled within them.

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fraseris · 19 days

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ive been thinking about that clip from 2020 where niki was in brighton and talking about wilbur soot biting her (also the one where she talks about him throwing her) like both times HE brought it up to entertain people and posture and let everyone know how quirky and exciting he was. he put niki in a position where she had to act like she was just fine with it because she was with him and in front of like 15 thousand live viewers + however many more people saw those clip later. they both had so much attention on them but she was the woman. i know that anybody online who said "yknow this looks suspicious and violent?" was or wouldve been attacked for being overdramatic or truthing about streamers' relationships or breaking boundaries etc etc. she said recently on twitter that her time in brighton was some of the worst in her life and she was acting noticeably different on stream. and i never saw anybody at the time bring that up at least in my circles. like its just so disgusting what were we doing back then

#text #i am posting #wilbur soot #(for tw etc etc)

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yongislong · 2 years

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intimate moments + 127

wc/genre: 2,010k... fluff, domestic, angsty?? suggestive? mayhaphs. established relationships with nonidol!127. not proofread oof

cw/note: no cws i dont think but lmk! ty for requesting anon! requests are always open btw hehe! but YUUPP yknow what time it is my first 127 headcannons muahaha so here we go :> mark and haechan are in the dreamies post. i used and and like a lot im SORRY LMFAO but tysm for the support :") i was surprised people liked my other stuff sm! im quite insecure about the way i wrote bc.. i write how i talk haha, its kind of a mess. i wish i could make my posts a lot cuter and stuff but school is tiring, i appreciate all of your love lately though, this was all for myself and first bc i was going through it but im glad people enjoy it! sorry this is so long i just wanted to let yall know a bit more abt me! :D

taeil… cooking: GOD im having taeil brainrot bc he was on that baby show, and him ripping that crab with his bare hands.... sickening. bc UGH he is such husband material. imagining you both in the kitchen cooking and he's genuinely such a menace and you cant hear the music you suggested to play, anymore bc his smooching noises are so LOUD and suddenly the homemade pho you were both attempting to make while wearing matching aprons is on the verge of being forgotten lol. you finally give in after much name calling from him and let him press your cheeks together to give you a wet, loud smooch on your forehead. theres something about cooking to taeil thats so personal and adult-y to him. like oh my god here you both are, sitting in your VERY cute shared apartment, sharing a very nice bowl of noodles as the roses he planted now lay in a small mint green vase on your tiny dining room table. its something about the domesticity of working on something together, enjoying yourselves while doing it AND getting to eat the end product of said hard work, that he finds incredibly fullfilling. sitting across the love of his life. another thing he likes to do is prop his feet next to your right thigh on your chair and you do the same. you guys have your legs resting on each others chairs under the table. sometimes he pulls on the skin of your calf and when you complain you haven't shaven he rolls his eyes and seems to swat your words out of the air in front of him. long story short he just watches you ramble on about your day at work, until he stares for too long and hasn't realized you're practically shaking the life out of him because he never answered your questions about whether or not he gave brina and brita their fish food

johnny... sharing a book: johnny pegs me as someone who's super patient! maybe he's not bc... parasocial relationships LOL but in his interactions with everyone else, like that one jcc where mark doesn't want frozen yogurt and he was so nice abt it! but similarly to renjun, its nice to share something in bed but also both be consuming the same content yknow? he also seems to me like the type of guy who, likes to finish something before moving on to the next big thing WHICH means.... you spending about 5 months going through the entire percy jackson series PFTT. but its SOO GOOD and you both get so into it and after you finish the first two books you immediately both skip lectures or work the next day just to watch the movies and you both lose your minds at how bad they are TT. but yes its such a nice time to unwind! he loves having you lay between his legs, head on his collarbone as his arms circle around your torso to lay the book on your hipbone. he always waits for you to finish before he turns the page ofc! he also bought a little reading light that can be clipped on the the binding of the outside of the book and illuminate the pages in case reading went on a lot longer than expected. the bookmark that holds your place in the story was a polaroid picture of you sleeping HOWEVER it got replaced to a picture of you looking thru a glass of wine and it makes your face look all warped and funny lol. johnny always smiles when he sees it so its a good way to begin reading time hehe. kinda obvious but his body heat + his room + the smell of his lingering cologne on his sheets is chefs kiss, extra points if the apartment still smells like coffee from this morning OR the bottle of red wine he opened that sits on the nightstand </3

taeyong... customizing clothes together: GODDDD ya'll would be the most well dressed couple ever dude. yong is so creative, and i sense that he would want his partner to share his same taste at least when it comes to clothes and art! this isn't something you both do often bc... life lol but it started when you were cleaning out your shared closet. both sprawled on the floor, as you begin complaining about how you've both found pieces of clothing that you felt guilty about throwing away. then! yong suggests going to the craft/vintage store to see if theres any way to up-cycle what you've found. so thats how you spend the summer weekend. sat on the plush fuchsia rug in your living room, surrounded by denim, fabric squares, 80s brooches, lace, ribbon, etc etc as you spend the humid and sticky afternoon binging nana while you both sit in creative/comfortable silence, gluing and pining and sewing things to various articles of clothing. its SO cozy, funk music plays from the mini speaker you guys co-own and at the end of the task, you give each other a private fashion show styling your new clothes! he adores watching you pretend to model and eggs you on sm "y/n you need to consider doing this for real, everything looks good on you its not fair," this day is something that you both remember for a while. there were shared childhood stories, insecurities, dreams and you both were so much more vulnerable because there was something to distract yourselves with. the night ends in an absolute destruction of your living room floor, but accompanied with a cuddle session in his bed, the sounds from the ceiling fan and his heart beat almost make you sleepy, almost missing his whispered compliments and soft neck kisses.

yuta... hair: ok i know this is super vague but as a fellow scorpio who loves doing things to their hair, theres nothing more i want in life than someone to be able to do those things with! like ugh late night hair salon time with yuta, yup. this goes along so well with trust as well. i mean he's letting you cut, dye and style his hair and vice versa. i feel like he'd be with someone who's more edgy and this would be such a raw moment for you as a couple LIKE you're changing each other's appearances and its a time of patience. listening is extremely important as well and whenever you go through a new hair phase, sitting down at the sink and soaking up what the other has to say and practically baring their souls out while the bleach is very much stinging the top of his scalp is really fascinating LMAO, needless to say you guys aren't the typical couple, but it works. the amount of understanding and empathy you've both adopted for one another is lovely! and not to mention is super cute when yuta crinkles his nose, his teeth peeking out just a bit from the opening of his lips, because he absolutely needed a blonde wolf cut and hair is very much getting all over his face. in moments like this he doesn't think he would trade your adorable and super hot according to him concentration face. ALSOOO angsy, hot, jrock inspired couple photos are a must and yes, everyone on campus is jealous.

doyoung... driving: CORNYY BOOO yes ik, but guys? him driving, in that domestic ass button up and black thick rimmed glasses. he needs to be in jail bc he absolutely would be that bf to throw rocks at your window even though, yes you live together and yes its an apartment complex but, he wants you to feel that super giddy like, puppy bunny love again and he almost brought a boombox to play to play head over heels by tears for fears but... too much according to jaehyun lol. so anyways he loves late night drives with you. or any drives really! his favorites are a combination of picking you up late night from work and getting to hear all the drama whilst you guys eay in-n-out in the parking lot. and listen, im not trying to push the doyoung medical student agenda but... i 100% am and his reasoning for these late nights is because he's soooo busy! he feels guilty he doesn't take you out to nicer places and you always have to reassure him that anywhere he goes with you, is automatically a win in your books. its moments like these where he really grasps how lucky he is. oh wow.... you really do love him and it FREAKS him out in the best way. every night always ends sappy bc he's so GROSS geez. he's such a romantic in a way you would never expect. he's not cheesy or arrogant about loving you, and he never considers it something he has to do either. he just fully, truly and honestly wants to worship the ground you walk on. DON'T even get me started on drive-in movies omg. basically his cherry red car is your safe space lol </3

jaehyun... record swapping: tha music man muahaha. my heart tells me you both met in a vintage record store AHH, he saw you and his heart physically ached like when you see a pretty person in public, yeah but x 100 like he got the wind knocked out of him and he fucking drops, the stack of chet baker records he had on hand and his ears look like red bell peppers and he wants to crawl away until you rush over not like run but brisk walking? lol as you help him pick up all the vinyls he dropped.you noticed in between the pile of 50s music he had a limited edition vinyl of on of your favorite bands and that had you whipping your head up and noticing how soft he looked all flushed and dimples peaking out from the thin line on his lips. definition of he fell first but you fell harder ESPECIALLY on ya'll's second/third date. he invited you over to his house and requested you to bring your best albums. AND GODDDD the date was... truly when you fell harder for him. you spent the night swapping albums aka baring your souls and sitting on his kitchen counter as he paces back and forth in front of you as he goes on a tangent about his favorite artist. its like the world slows down and you both leave that date with a new record from the other and a notion that you were definitely falling in love with each other

jungwoo... bubble baths: GAAHHH TT. tell me, that jungwoo wouldn't adore relaxing with a full on bubble bath with you. and i'm talking like bubblegum flavored soap, bath bombs, dried flowers, candles, mood lighting???? its too good. after the first couple of times you've done it, he learns your habits and favorite smells as well as the right way to position you in the tub bc he takes up sm of it LOL. and if you're both tall... you make it work! hehe. but DUDE once he learns how to juggle this intimate activity LMFAO he buys stuff specifically for your sunday reset bubble baths OMG, like that board that stands across the tub just so he can set his laptop on it. yes its just bc he wants to watch disney movies and real house wives while unwinding haha. he's so sweet though, being all pretty with his skin a little glowy because of the steam coming from the water, his eyebrows brush up from when he swiped water on his eyes and his eyes twinkling once he stacks a bunch of bubbles on your head in a makeshift crown. he likes to give u bubbly shoulder kisses BOOOOOOO yes im jealous bc he's perfect and OFC he picks out the perfect pjs and warms them up in the dryer and sits you on the bathroom counter just so he can do your skincare for you </3

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