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bayardboy · 3 years

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Open Letter to Sunrise 3.13

“To Fellow Leaders: Sometime in my journey in Sunrise you impacted the way I move in this space, and I thank you for it. As someone who holds a title with weight I wanted to address my beliefs and role in the hub, especially as we head into the next stage of our course to win a livable future, together. I present my story of self, in hopes that I will hear yours one day!” - me, march 2021

OPEN LETTER TO ALL MEMBERSHIP AND LEADERSHIP OF SUNRISEPDX

March 13, 2021.

Hello Sunrise Hub Members; Hello my friends,

My primary purpose in this letter is to write the things I do not say, so you will know me better.

For those who skim, here’s the layout: First, my identities; Second, my roles; Third, my beliefs (including many quotes); Fourth, my observations; Fifth, cited sources. This is how I processed these thoughts; I encourage you to also reflect on your core tenants, in a way that’s most fruitful for you.

I am feeling called to write this letter because lately, many things are going unsaid. I don’t know if all of you are aware, but I have autism, and I don’t pick up on nuanced social signals. I’ve described it as, “when people tell me their story, I cannot read between the lines, unless I have read another book that tells me what may be within their pen.” However, I can tell something is amiss, because people have stopped talking to me without being explicitly asked to. There are many reasons this could be occurring. This silence is something I can hear, and something I want to highlight.

I will first be clear about myself. My communication style is direct, and as honest as the English language can be (which is not very, speaking from experience). If you feel a strong emotion by reading this letter, please let me know and I’d love to have any length of conversation about your reflection.

First, my identities: I am a white trans man, an educated youth, and a musician. I like to live my life in beats. I forget how big I am and that it is easier in this identity to intimidate people. I have been pushed to hold leadership my entire life, including girlscouts, theater troupes, camp counseling all ages, and many other privileged programs, but I would rather be sharing in a group of people. I live in the SunriseHaus because I have been financially independent since I was 18 and I love the culture of being working-class, except for capitalism’s burden. I was raised poorer than my younger siblings, in a majority-white Oregon town, which shaped my understandings about belongings and care. I like to joke around, and I don’t like when people are instructed how to show up. We should be here as our fullest selves.

Second, my role: when I joined Sunrise, we had five hub Coordinators and weekly in-person meetings. When we locked down, a lot of the nuanced energies from being in person (which again, I do not read, but I can sense when they are awry) dissipated entirely and people moved away from online space.

I was at my friend’s apartment on MLK on the first night of the grieving of George Floyd. We heard the people amassing on the boulevard, and we jumped up to join them. I realized quickly my earplugs wouldn’t be enough to keep me sensible in this crowd. An impressive Black man on a motorcycle drove into the mob to give instructions. I pressed close to hear him, devastated when he rode away. I began to shake with misunderstanding; in that moment, I knew I wouldn’t be of help to anyone. So I rode home, called everyone I knew, and figured out ways to support from home: water bottles, NLG numbers, jail support, bullying politicians, changing the public dominant narrative online, redistributing money, cleaning up after Riot Ribs… employing a diversity of tactics, outside of being frontline, excepting daytime rallies... in this work I do not understand the trauma of my peers from this summer, and I will not pretend I do.

Because of the way I showed up in online spaces (consistent, healthy, and truthful), I felt comfortable stepping into the trainings team co-coordinator role, then realized what I was actually doing was in the realm of Hub Coordination. It was a natural step to take on that title because of my focuses and my skillset, both things that were informed re: my identities. In the endnotes is a description of the Hub Coordinator roles that were drawn when Pauline and I transitioned in.[i]

I’m learning that hub Coordination has a quality called, “soft power”. Defined by Wikipedia, “in politics, soft power is the ability to attract and co-opt, rather than coerce (contrast hard power). In other words, soft power involves shaping the preferences of others through appeal and attraction. A defining feature of soft power is that it is non-coercive; the currency of soft power includes culture, political values, and foreign policies.”[ii] This is an inescapable component of having organizers who are core tenants to the hub, as well as a community of friends who respect each other.

Also, Slack culture as a community has been severely shaped by the fact that some are very comfortable online, in writing, and others are not.[iii] As our community is also afraid of hard power, all our decisions in the last six months have been made by influence. I am very comfortable writing and therefore I am addressing that I know I wield more power.

Is soft power problematic? It depends upon how it is wielded. There are hubs that operate and benefit without hub Coordinators. If I am ever asked to step down from this role, I will. Honestly, I’d rather be wholeheartedly focused on recruitment and relationship building. But what I’ve been hearing from our JEAO assessments[iv] is that we actually need more processes to bring leaders into soft power, to ensure that everyone has the equipment this work is asked for by our society. These are processes I am familiar with, but I also know that my understanding of leadership is inherently oppressive re: my identities and how I have been raised to interact with these constructs. Even though I’ll make mistakes and frustrate people, I will continue to show up everyday in the process of unlearning.

Third, my beliefs: Because I wield this soft power, I need to be open about the way I encounter this work. If we interact often, these are the core tenants informing my words and movements.

1. I believe in the complete abolition of the settler-colonial state, partnered with a societal reimagining and restructuring co-created by the most oppressed peoples of this nation-state.[v]

“As prison abolitionists, grassroots organizers, and practitioners of transformative justice, our vision for 2018 is one of clear-eyes awareness and discussion of the horrors of the prison system – and the action that awareness demands. As a society, we have long turned away from any social concern that overwhelms us. Whether it’s war, climate change, or the prison-industrial complex, Americans have been conditioned to simply look away from profound harms. Years of this practice have now left us with endless wars, dying oceans, and millions of people in bondage and oppressively policed. It is time for a thorough and unflinching examination of what our society has wrought and what we have become. It is time to envision and create alternatives to the hellish conditions our society has brought into being.” Mariame Kaba, “A Jailbreak of the Imagination: Seeing Prisons for What They Are and Demanding Transformation”. Truthout, May 2018.

“So, what might a Green New Deal built with rather than for Indigenous peoples look like? It would look like honoring what came before: the treaties, the tribes, the rivers from which we drink, the air we breathe, the land where we plant and gather our food and to which we return when our time is up. And by finally honoring these things – which have always been there, but which this country has ever respected or protected – we might build something Green and New.” Julian Brave Noisecat, “Green New Bingo Hall,” Winning the Green New Deal. Sunrise Movement, Simon&Schuster Paperbacks, 2020. p.124

2. I believe in a complete just transition[vi] of our economic and power systems lead by social and racial justice reform and community building.

“Environmental justice isn’t a free-floating term. It was originally used by Black, Latino, Indigenous, Asian, and Pacific-Islander organizers to rebel against exploitative, unsustainable farming practices, fossil fuel plants, toxic waste dumps, destruction of natural landscapes they call home, and more. The harsh truth is that these communities have been organizing against environmental degradation from the beginning—white environmentalists just didn’t notice because the campaign message wasn’t flagged as pro-environment.” Rachel Levelle, “Confronting the Whiteness of Environmentalism”, 350pdx website, June 2017.

3. I believe nonviolent civil disobedience is the primary tactic I must personally implement to be an accomplice in the accomplishment of the previous two goals.[vii]

“Peace is not something which exists independently of us, nor is war. It is true that certain individuals – political leaders, policymakers, army generals – do have particularly grave responsibilities in respect to peace. However, these people do not come from nowhere. They are not born and brought up in outer space. Like us, they were nourished by their mother’s milk and affection. They are members of our own human family and have been nurtured within the society which we as individuals have helped create. Peace in the world thus depends on peace in the hearts of individuals. This in turn depends on us all practicing ethics by disciplining our response to negative thoughts and emotions, and developing basic spiritual qualities.” Dalai Lama, “Peace and Disarmament”, Ethics for a New Millennium. Riverhead Books, New York 1999. p.203.

“Either [white people] accept that they have inherited this house of white supremacy, built by their forebears and willed to them, and they are now responsible for paying the taxes on that inheritance, or the status quo continues. I hope they will become radicalized by this moment and begin to fight fiercely for racial justice; but more than that, I hope they start at home, in their own minds and hearts. As I tell my students: a white person rushing to do racial justice work without first understanding the impacts, uses, and deceptions of their own whiteness is like an untrained person rushing into the ER to help the nurses and doctors—therein probably lies more harm than good.” Salvala Trepczynski, Black and Brown People Have Been Protesting for Centuries. It's White People Who Are Responsible for What Happens Next. Time Magazine website, June 2020.

Fourth, my observations: The people who are called to this work know how to LOVE. Deeply, wholly, truly. We fight in love and we sing in love. We create amazing, beautiful projects together. I believe that we are called into this future together. We love the earth and all its peoples together.

We do not extend that LOVE to ourselves. I take strong issue with the way people who are called to this work, approach this work. We create deadlines, overwork ourselves, and create stress that is mostly meaningless. We can be self-centric and self-serving in our immediate interests, but forgo food, water, and sleep in those moments. We replicate capitalist culture in determining value of projects and styles of work. We need to make better praxis of asking questions as we go, taking patience in our work and our bodies. It’s not our fault this is how we’ve been trained; but it’s our responsibility to resist echoing the structures that harm us.

I am neutrally confused that we are afraid to take power as we position ourselves directly next to it. We have done the good work to recognize our voice as widely affluent, time-consuming, and progressive. This is a sound the State WANTS to capture, wrangle and blur in complacency. This dynamic is something we encounter so often in electoral organizing especially. Still working through this one, and the way it shows up in our lack of decision-making processes.[viii]

Subconsciously, we are adherent to the Jemez Principles for Democratic Organizing, which I think is a massive benefit to our partnerships and ourselves.[ix] We are also learning actively how to be representative and reflective of constructive allyship to people we cannot serve in our space.

I am proud of how many teenagers and parents are in our hub. I am saddened by how often fighting for a livable future causes stress and burnout. This can be a joyous, relieving act: if we do not replicate the school systems that oppress us all, particularly Black youth; if we do not replicate the demands made of people with children, particularly by their workplaces. We should be working intentionally to create a safe, spiritual place to encounter these terrifying truths with patience and heart. We should be asking more direct questions of what will make this work enjoyable.

We don’t sing together lately, because singing to our screen is weirder than singing to our friends. I am anxious for the day we can lift our voices and spirits together again.[x]

I am EXCITED! to know YOU! And I hope YOU! Are equally excited to know ME!

I take responsibility both for my acts and their underlying motives. I own any contradictions.

We will be smiling in the end,

Mikhaila “Micah” Bishop (he/him) SunrisePDX Hub Coordinator text me with anything.

[i] Hub Coordinator roles

[ii] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soft_power

[iii] White Supremacy Cultural Traits: Worship of the Written Word is number 5.

[iv] JEAO assessments: #3, Structure

[v] LandBack Manifesto, 8toAbolition

[vi] https://www.ojta.org/just-transition-principles

[vii] Bayard Rustin’s Letters are currently building my understanding of what this means.

[viii] Offering Boston’s decision making guidelines, which also did not totally exist? Our issues are replicable.

[ix] Jemez Principles for Democratic Organizing

[x] https://soundcloud.com/sunrisemvmt

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guerrillamamamedicine · 7 years

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i think its funny when folks talk to me about the freedom in their life to do what they want. as if, me being a mother, has been such a huge burden or limit.

and every. fucking. time. someone tries to pull this -- it is always someone who has done so little compared to me. like folks who have the money and free time and us citizenship, but havent even left the usa. they reblog shit about palestine, but never been to the middle east (and are too scared to go).

they need the space to do serious writing, but i just finished a book tour this year and am working on my next book (about my boring life being a mama)

they really need to focus on their performance art, but i’m doing paid shows and collaborations while my daughter helps with setting up the merch table.

and i’m sure that these folks are going to do really amazing things. im sure. and there are times when i am happiest just hanging out with my kid at the park or not accomplishing anything. 2017 is the year where i have nothing left to prove.

but i just think it’s funny...you know...for the past 10 years i have been told how much my choice to be a mother has limited me.

and i think the secret is, the secret that a lot of artists already know, limitations make it possible to make great art. deadlines, limited colour palette, limited resources. some of the best writing ive done under gun fire. some of the best visual art i’ve done with found materials from unwashed streets. some of the best adventures ive done broke as fuck.

limitations can make you or break you.

mothering has made me and broken me and remade me.

mothering has made me realize how precious my life is and how i dont want to waste it wallowing in self-pity and shallow pursuits.

im so bored of people talking about freedom and pursuing freedom as if freedom is economic wealth or not being committed to anything.

art and revolution require commitment and discipline.

its not a lifestyle. no amount of money, prestige, the right friends, the right shows, the right teachers, the right apartment, the right address, even the right scene won’t create deep transformations.

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wowihatemyjobcom-blog · 6 years

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Do you feel as if you have the worst job in the world?

Why is that?

Day by day we tend to rush around a lot as we go about our lives minding our own business from one place to the next with not enough time in the world to just even relax to recharge, to reflect and take stock internally and externally on our own unique – individual, personal, social, emotional, psychological, physical, biological, economical and environment functioning’s and factors.

We can be constantly on autopilot like an industrial machine!

Pause and press the STOP button, allow yourself a minute or two to take a breather and have a good look around you as you make your way to work, regardless of your means of transport, whether you travel by foot, cycle, drive, bus, tube, train, swim, boat or plane…

What do you see?

Do you notice the individual expressions on the faces of the people who cross your path… do they look happy or excited about their day ahead?

Are they walking with a spring in their steps?

Are they smiling?

Did you know that over half of all workers want to change jobs or careers?!

Why do so many people hate their jobs?

Before we explore some of those reasons why… lets start by clarifying what actually the words ‘hate‘ and ‘job‘ could mean to us all as individual human beings…

Do these two words mean the same things to different people or can they differ from one person to the next?

Firstly, according to the English Oxford Dictionary the word ‘hate’ could be defined as:

Verb i. Feel intense dislike for ii. Have a strong aversion to (something) iii. Used politely to express ones regret or embarrassment at doing something iv. Express strong dislike for; criticize or abuse.

Noun i. Intense dislike ii. Denoting hostile actions motivated by intense dislike of prejudice. (Ref: http://www.en.oxforddictionaries.com/define/hate)

How intense can hate be exactly?

Some people could… loathe, detest, dislike greatly, abhor, abominate, despise, execrate, feel aversion towards, feel revulsion towards, feel hostile towards, be repelled by, be revolted by, regard with disgust, not be able to bear/stand, be unable to stomach, find intolerable, shudder at, recoil from, or even shrink from something.

WOW that’s a lot of hate going on… which could become pretty intense!

Secondly, according to the English Oxford Dictionary, ‘Job’ could be defined as:

Noun i. a paid position of regular employment ii. a task or piece of work, especially one that is paid iii. a responsibility of duty iv. a difficult task v. a procedure to improve the appearance of something vi. a crime, especially a robbery vii. An operation or group of operations treated as a single and distinct unit viii. a thing or a specified kind.

Verb i. Causal or occasional work. (Ref: http://www.en.oxforddictionaries.com/definiton/job)

Therefore, to sum up the meaning of the word job in a nutshell, it could be described as a piece of work especially a specific task done as part of the routine of one’s occupation or for an agreed price. Employment could be full-time or part-time, temporary or permanent and something a person is expected or obliged to do as they have a duty or responsibility.

Do you hate your job?

Do you or someone you know feel this way because you work for a bad company, with weak management, a bad boss, incompetent line manager or annoying supervisor? Maybe you have poor relationships with your team members, co-workers, customers, clients, or service users? Perhaps your job and it’s culture is not the right fit for you and you are not the right fit for them? Are you an extrovert or introvert? Maybe you just don’t like people very much or do you find that wherever you work people don’t really like you? You can’t trust anyone, others steal your ideas and take credit for your work.. is the atmosphere unhealthy to the point that it can be cut with a knife, is their unfair treatment and malicious competition?is your office rife with politics, gossip, whispering, convert glances in corners, bullying and back stabbing, and some how people who you rarely talk to appear to know more about you and your life then you know about yourself!!!

Are you expected to follow poor or outdated rules, regulations, policies and procedures or perhaps your hands are tied by red tape or there aren’t any correct guidelines in place for you follow so you are expected to either pretend, lie or make it up as you go along? Does your job eat away at your core work ethnic and morale values, or are you expected to work with systems that work against you only setting you up to fail which result with you swinging from different branches from your colleagues in different directions, creating misunderstandings, confusion and conflicts of interest to the point where you feel as if monkeys have been throwing coconuts at your head and your brain is bruised and aches. Does your employer fail to provide you with the basic resources needed to get the job done.. whether that be money, man or materials and a decent working environment?

Are your companies communication channels slack, confusing, misleading, dishonest, late or non existent? Are you working in an environment that is intolerable, unstable, constantly changing, restructuring or dangerous, unsafe or dis-organised, messy, in a crappy or distant location? Is your job role, responsibilities or projects dull with dull arrangements or has your job just become a complete and utter bore with no sense of purpose and you feel as if you are wasting your time and energy.. you find yourself doing the same thing with the same people, day in and day out with no stimulation or even the slightest ounce of fun! Perhaps you find yourself overworked and burdened, unsupported, misguided, misinformed or undervalued, unappreciated, not acknowledged or rewarded and underpaid for going that extra mile and for all that you do? Are you working long or unsociable hours where you are constantly feeling trapped trying to make ends meat, living day by day, pay check to pay check, glaring up through a glass ceiling, with no opportunities for a career enhancement, no training to continue with you’re professional development to improve your life chances so you could move on-wards and up-wards so you can find a way out of this hell hole and boy oh boy does that grass look greener on the other side of that wall!

Are you feeling as if you are always playing catch up or constantly chasing your feet to meet deadlines and targets? Is your to do list and email inbox increasingly getting bigger and bigger as you frantically work through them in the hope that they will become smaller and decrease? Does your job invade your personal time and space or have you just stopped caring or had a simple change of mind or change of heart? Do you find it difficult to switch off and is your job having an impact on your leisure time, social life and relationships with your nearest and dearest loved ones, such as family and friends.

Does your job affect your mind, body and soul… sucking out every single little, last bit of life that you have left inside of you, changing your personality, negatively affecting your sleep, mood, thought processes, emotions and taking a toll on your physical appearance and well-being, to the point where it is making you stressed, you feel absolutely rotten, sensitive, paranoid, or anxious and its effecting your self-esteem and confidence to the point you are making mistakes? Has it changed you as a person, do you know longer do all the things you use to do.. are you no longer who you use to be? Do you feel sick in your stomach right through to your guts? or are you totally wiped or burnt out, becoming cancerous or are you as dead as a door nail or screaming out from your insides wishing that you could just find a better job and leave or quit on the spot there and then and walk straight out that door not looking back or hoping that its all just a terrible nightmare and you are about to wake up and it all this pain will just go away and STOP!?!

But unfortunately for you this has become your reality!

How awful for you… what are you going to do?

Do you feel as if you have the worst job in the world? Do you feel as if you have the worst job in the world? Why is that?

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strawberry-siren · 6 years

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every FREAKING day i make a day about how i’m freaking out, but i’m going to live or whatever. like i chose not to kill myself. but there really is no point. like there’s not. even if i go to a mental hospital, they really suck and they abuse patients, act like patients are infantile, like they’re not human. I don’t even have insurance, so the sheer price of that would mess up any chance i would ever have of making money or even just like…living–even if i wanted to. i dont even think treatment would be helpful. i dont think drugs would really help either.

i’ve tried weed before, and that’s the drug that everyone is always like “omg man weed totally takes away my anxiety.” no. weed literally did nothing to my sad and anxious thoughts. all it did was make me act completely spacey and waste time. i’ve heard from my friends that anti-depressants just make them feel empty. like just honestly whats the point of living and feeling empty? i did that for like a year to cope. i would just repress any emotion. i guess i lived another year. but it’s also like whats even the point. you’re not happy. you’re not anything. what’s the point of living like a zombie? like talk therapy wouldnt help because i’m not going to change….. i’ve had so many different therapists and it just really doesn’t do much…

i should just go to church and follow their stupid rules because my family does and at least they would stop being mad at me and they could feel like they’re saving me even if church has no purpose. church honestly just makes me feel a million times worse and it is boring and kind of a waste of time for me. but, then they could be those people who talk about their reformed lesbian sister and how she found god and got her life together and is happy ! :-) i love sex and my sexuality, but it’s true that i’ve never even been in a real relationship. it’s not like relationships can save you…

here’s another thing: ultimately everything is a two way road. people are not obligated to put up with me. i am draining. i am exhausting. i am boring. therefore i attempt to impose myself on people the least amount i can. but also i have poor impulse control, so i attempt to make friends despite this innate desire to minimize myself. it sucks though because relationships will never be permanent. there will never be a relationship that spans your lifetime. friends will leave. it’s just a fact of life.

society itself doesn’t lend itself well to me. i grew up in an abrasive (and abusive) environment. i didn’t learn how to keep things to myself–or rather i recognized that you are supposed to keep all to yourself, and i fail at it. i burden people with my feelings far too often. like in some classes i might seem like the student who doesnt care, or in others, i am the student that makes too many comments or tries to talk about things they dont really grasp. I’m really just trying my best. but i know im stupid. im saying too many things. im saying wrong things. since i’m failing two of my classes, i just stopped going to them. so i go to art history, i feel stupid, i go home and cry. then on tuesdays and thursdays i go to theater and i try my best, but i feel untalented. i go home and i cry.

because i’m just full of self-pity. no one wants a victim. i act haughty, i am narcissistic. but i am full of the exact opposite as well. i am one who is constantly at war with myself. i realize this is not a rare phenomenon though.

like how can you want to live in a society where you’re wrong. In conservative circles, I’m wrong because of my desire and action upon my lesbianism. In liberal circles, I’m wrong because lesbian is a label that’s restrictive. Why aren’t you just Q****? let us call you q****. Don’t doubt that you can one day be attracted to men!

Artists are nothing. A dime a dozen. My art is meaningless. It’s all been done. Everyone wants something revolutionary.

everything is dominated by men. my eyes are so open. from the smallest way we do things. how women give birth. names babies have. EVERYTHING was made by men. my chair. modern architecture. why i wear makeup. what my makeup is made out of. it’s all men. and i really do love individual men. i feel like a lot of men don’t realize things. but like it cant be ignored. it is a fact of life. until we completely remake our society, it exists to be hostile to me. and why should society conform to me…one person.

im a sex object. im sexually repulsive. im fat. ugly. im beautiful. im cute. im the center of the universe. i’m purity– was virginity. im “dirty” now. a crumpled dollar bill. i am sex. im lust. im whatever label i prescribe to. im whatever label others project onto me. im all– i’m nothing.

everything is utterly, utterly meaningless. words are words, meanings are meanings. “how nihilistic. how pessimistic” one may say. i suppose it’s true. nihilism can give a meaning to life. an inspiration to just let the forces of the world happen to you until you die. but it’s also i’m constantly feeling the weight of the world on me. the world that ultimately ignores me.

“this is why you need god.”a god is a comforting notion to those faced with the uncertainty of death. i feel a god would not be so cruel. this notion of cruelty. why should a god care about humans. it’s the same hierarchical structure men have put me in– no thank you. not that i completely blame men. women could have done things. but men and women alike are selfish. why should straight women truly care about lesbians–they dont. no one truly cares. they do what makes them seem progressive. they perform. the worlds a stage and all that. we entertain ourselves, but for those who cannot find entertainment or arent forced to just spend their time working– those who must be confronted with their very existence, thoughts, ideas, ect. well no one cares. it’s all ultimately self-serving.

everything you think. everything you do. it’s all for yourself. you may say “oh i do service for others!” well in the context of a church think about this. you do it because it will grant you favor with your god. it will give you the satisfaction that you are in a position above someone that you’re taking your time to “serve” them. Are you really doing this out of selflessness?

There are

“Dont help panhandlers signs in utah. People ive talked to about this have been like “well there’s so much welfare available, there’s really no need to give them money because they’re just going to spend it on drugs.” as if drugs aren’t a cycle. as if being poor–being homeless is your own failure. not the failure of a society that lets people die. that lets people believe all the money you have– you’ve earned. I got money from my dad’s IRA when he died. Did I earn this? Because he worked until he died at 59, two and a half years ago. If it was my wage for how he raised me, the emotional labor I gave him, it was not enough money. If it’s just money because he worked his entire life, I didn’t earn that. Parents no longer even really hold up the “nuclear family” myth. I dont deserve this money. I deserve nothing. No one owes me anything. It would just be better to die than to continue taking up space and time of others. I am utterly unhelpful to society in general, personally, and as a whole. I will not contribute children. I will not bring joy to others. My art will achieve nothing.

I am a commodity, an object. A Worker. Within my church, I was supposed to find a man to love and serve. To bear his children. To preach of God. In this regard, I am also useless. There is truly no point of my existence, and the world would truly be better without me.

#i just circle the same issues i have been circling for years. no point of even reading this. mostly this post is for myself/those after me #theres like an essay under the readmore #text

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georgielou-50913 · 7 years

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a sad questionnaire

What do you wish was different?

My life. I wish things had turned out different, I wish my family wasnt so against me, i wish i wasnt so damaged, i wish i was a better person. i wish everything about my life was different, just not him. he is perfect. he is the ONLY thing keeping me alive, keeping me going. but god i wish things were different.

What’s the hardest part about that?

things cannot change. i am too damaged, and unless you can bring back my little girl i will never be able to feel any different. so im better off dead yeah? things could be a little different if i didn't live here. but thats not going to change for a very long time.

Are you thinking about anything bad that might happen?

so many things? so work hasnt been greatly lately i havent been getting the hours i need. my nan (who i live with) has basically told me if i cant pay the rent ill be homeless. my boyfriend has a big family and stays with his parents so theres nothing they can do for me, they dont have the room. i couldnt pay my rent last month, and i dont know if im going to be able to this month either. i cant afford to live in my own place nor can i make that decision because i dont know if ill ever be able to pay the rent. i am not getting any work, no where near enough. not even 200 quid per month. last month i earnt 140 quid, i get paid by the hour and theres no work. im trying so hard to find a new job but its not that easy anymore. shes making my life hell every single day and there is nothing i can do. if im homeless i will just throw myself off a bridge.

What was the sad bit there for you?

being stuck in this house, that i cannot change, being spoken down to every day, all day. getting inside my head telling me how useless and worthless i am, basically i was better off dead.

What are you thinking might go wrong here?

as above..... im going to become homeless, if not this month then next month? i cant pay everything, im in debt. i cant even pay my phone bill. i cant afford to pay anything, nothing at all. my boyfriend helped me last month and left himself in further debt. i cant do that to him, he cant afford to keep us both going when he sis struggling to keep himself going.

What else has happened that makes this worse?

my uncle recently went into hospital, and me and luke did absolutely everything we did to help him and my nan, but now that luke has no money and is running on barely any petrol.. i said i may not be able to help for a while and basically this has caused a huge storm at home for me, she will not allow my boyfriend in the house anymore and is basically ruining my life now, coming into my room several times a day to rip the shit out of me, reminding me every hour how much she hates me and i feel like im stuck in an incredibly bad emotional abusive relationship and there truly is no way out, im already stressed as it is, i keep breaking into tears all the time. i didnt say i WOULDNT help i just said that it was going to be a bit harder, i didnt deserve the way she spoke to me or the way she is treating me, especially luke.

Do you know why you feel upset about this, or do you just feel upset?

i think ive explained all that above. basically its a neverending thing of talking down to me and telling me how worthless i am and im fat, and stupid, and selfish, and evil and mean, i am better off dead. why was i even born? to suffer? why me.

What is the worst thing about that?

the worst thing is its my own nan who is making me feel this way. the one lady i have looked up to my whole life and would do anything for. and she is making me want to die.

What else is hard about that situation?

its put a lot of strain on all my other realtionships, i have tried to break up with luke on several occassions when that isnt even what i want to do. that is not what i want i just dont want him getting mixed up in all this situation. im trying to protect him aswell. but i dont want him to see me this way, ive lost my appetite i dont want to eat, im letting myself go completely i could just sleep all day, sleep forever.

Do you feel more sad/hurt/angry/worried about that or some other feeling?

ive suffered depression most of my life anyway but i always fight it you know? this time i cant shake it, ive been suffering for months and its getting worse, with a strong history of self harming i havent resorted to that yet, but its becoming more and more appealing, and this time ive relied more on alcohol than hurting myself, because self harm is only short term relief, alcohol lets me forget for the whole day and i can relax. i just dont think im going to break it this time.

Are you worried about people thinking this?

i dont really have anyone to talk to, i dont want lukes family thinking im a bad influence for him to be with, although they say they are there to listen, especially his sister, i dont want to be a burden and i dont want to vent all this on them, i dont want advice. i dont want help. well i do.... but what can they really do to help me? i have to be careful of what i write on social media.... i am not attention seeking, more like a cry for help.

On a scale from 1-10, how worried/upset/mad/scared/hurt are you about this?

10. .....way more than 10.. i want to die.

Okay, so how about compared to this other thing? What is worse

both the fear of being homeless and the constant abuse im getting by staying here. the fact of me being stuck in this house being told every day all day how worthless i am, is the worse, its classed as emtoional abuse, making someone want to die is bad. i dont know if she realises this is what she is doing. i cant really compare. not knowing whether im going to be homeless at the end of the month is terrifying, where will i go? i cant say which is worse, because both are as bad as eachother.

When you aren't busy/when you are lying in bed at night - what are the things that make you most upset?

not knowing whether im going to get work the next day, wondering if its going to be enough. wondering whether tomorrow will be easier, i share a room with my nan so i get constant abuse right from the minute i wake up to the second i fall asleep. its neverending.

Is there anything about this you feel embarrassed or ashamed about?

the fact that my own nan is ruining my life? tearing me apart. ripping my heart into pieces... ashamed. yes.

What are the some of the things you're worried people might be thinking about you?

i dont want her to tell people that i was selfish, i never said i wouldnt help. we have done so much for the past couple weeks, and before. she is making it sound like we did nothing, and that all we cared about was money, she barely gave us anything, and what she did was purely for petrol because we have absolutely no money atall... so its been incredibly hard. we did these things because we wanted to help. and shes thrown it all back in our faces. i cant forgive that. but now she tells people that i am selfish, that i did nothing to help. that i did not want to help and this was not the case atall.

How often are you feeling upset about it?

it doesnt go away, when i have her constantly reminding me all day that i am a worthless useless horrible evil nasty fat useless waste of space. it doesnt end. i am getting worse.

What do you wish you could change about yourself in all of this?

i wish i could be as special as my sister, she is so proud of her. i wish she could of been proud of me too, i made some mistakes in life, and i pay for them everyday. i wish you could be proud of me too. thats all i ever wanted to hear from you, not how you wish youd never adopted me into your home.

What makes you feel a bit better about all of this?

having luke by my side.

What's the most frustrating part of it all?

I cannot defend myself with the way she talks to me, because if i do id get thrown out in seconds. then what do i do? Ive also badgered on at my boss to give me more work, explained my situation and all they say is there is no more work to give me. ive been applying for other jobs for months and had a few interviews but its just not worked out. i dont know what else to do.

What do you think people don't understand about this?

there is only so much you can push someone. and i am at the very end, i speak to people but they just tell me to either ignore it or find another job. no it is not that fucking simple! how do you ignore someone who is constantly in your face reminding you of how shit you are every single day.

What would make this a little better?

if i could move into lukes house, he tells me if i become homeless that would happen, but i dont think he is right, his parents have already said theyd love to take me in but there genuinely is no room. i just want to get away fromt this place.

What is coming up in your week that will be hard because of this?

well i have another week till payday, that is the day i find out my fate i suppose. am i going to be homeless again..

When was the last time you cried about this?

today, ive lost count how many times ive cried today, cried myself to sleep last night, ive been crying everyday.

What helps you cope?

tumblr, online games, working, music, tv shows, anything to occupy myself. but its all short lived.

What times of day are the hardest for you?

the times im not working, today i have absolutely no work at all so i have t be stuck here all day listening to abuse. tomorrow i will be working in the morning then again tomorrow evening, then ill be staying at lukes house this weekend and ill be working over the weekend so ill not have much time to think about it. but during the day is the hardest. because i have to just endure it. waiting for the time to pass. tomorrow ill only have a few hours here. but ive still gotta get through the night.

#personal

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wowihatemyjobcom-blog · 6 years

Text

Why is that?

We can be constantly on autopilot like an industrial machine!

What do you see?

Do you notice the individual expressions on the faces of the people who cross your path… do they look happy or excited about their day ahead?

Are they walking with a spring in their steps?

Are they smiling?

Did you know that over half of all workers want to change jobs or careers?!

Why do so many people hate their jobs?

Before we explore some of those reasons why… lets start by clarifying what actually the words ‘hate‘ and ‘job‘ could mean to us all as individual human beings…

Do these two words mean the same things to different people or can they differ from one person to the next?

Firstly, according to the English Oxford Dictionary the word ‘hate’ could be defined as:

Noun i. Intense dislike ii. Denoting hostile actions motivated by intense dislike of prejudice. (Ref: http://www.en.oxforddictionaries.com/define/hate)

How intense can hate be exactly?

WOW that’s a lot of hate going on… which could become pretty intense!

Secondly, according to the English Oxford Dictionary, ‘Job’ could be defined as:

Verb i. Causal or occasional work. (Ref: http://www.en.oxforddictionaries.com/definiton/job)

Do you hate your job?

But unfortunately for you this has become your reality!

How awful for you… what are you going to do?

Do you feel as if you have the worst job in the world? Why is that? Day by day we tend to rush around a lot as we go about our lives minding our own business from one place to the next with not enough time in the world to just even relax to recharge, to reflect and take stock internally and externally on our own unique - individual, personal, social, emotional, psychological, physical, biological, economical and environment functioning's and factors.

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wowihatemyjobcom-blog · 6 years

Text

Why is that?

We can be constantly on autopilot like an industrial machine!

What do you see?

Do you notice the individual expressions on the faces of the people who cross your path… do they look happy or excited about their day ahead?

Are they walking with a spring in their steps?

Are they smiling?

Did you know that over half of all workers want to change jobs or careers?!

Why do so many people hate their jobs?

Before we explore some of those reasons why… lets start by clarifying what actually the words ‘hate‘ and ‘job‘ could mean to us all as individual human beings…

Do these two words mean the same things to different people or can they differ from one person to the next?

Firstly, according to the English Oxford Dictionary the word ‘hate’ could be defined as:

Noun i. Intense dislike ii. Denoting hostile actions motivated by intense dislike of prejudice. (Ref: http://www.en.oxforddictionaries.com/define/hate)

How intense can hate be exactly?

WOW that’s a lot of hate going on… which could become pretty intense!

Secondly, according to the English Oxford Dictionary, ‘Job’ could be defined as:

Verb i. Causal or occasional work. (Ref: http://www.en.oxforddictionaries.com/definiton/job)

Do you hate your job?

You or someone you know, might feel this way because you work for a bad company, with weak management, a bad boss, incompetent line manager or annoying supervisor? Maybe you have poor relationships with your team members, co-workers, customers, clients, or service users? Perhaps your job and it’s culture is not the right fit for you and you are not the right fit for them? Are you an extrovert or introvert? Maybe you just don’t like people very much or do you find that wherever you work people don’t really like you? You can’t trust anyone, others steal your ideas and take credit for your work.. it’s the atmosphere in unhealthy and can be cut with a knife, there’s malicious competition, your office is rife with politics, gossip, whispering, convert glances in corners, bullying and back stabbing.. some how people who you rarely talk to appear to know more about you and your life then you know about yourself!!!

Are your companies communication channels slack, confusing, misleading, dishonest, late or non existent? Are you working in an environment that is intolerable, unstable, constantly changing, restructuring or dangerous, unsafe or dis-organised, messy, in a crappy or distant location? Is your job role, responsibilities or projects dull with dull arrangements or has your job just become a complete and utter bore with no sense of purpose and you feel as if you are wasting your time and energy.. you find yourself doing the same thing with the same people, day in and day out with no stimulation or even the slightest ounce of fun! Perhaps you find yourself overworked and burdened, unsupported, misguided, misinformed or undervalued, unappreciated, not acknowledged or rewarded and underpaid for going that extra mile and for all that you do? Are you working long or unsociable hours where you are constantly feeling trapped trying to make ends meat, living day by day, pay check to pay check, glaring up through a glass ceiling, with no opportunities for a career enhancement, no training to continue with you’re professional development to improve your life chances so you could move on-wards and up-wards so you can find a way out this hell hole and boy does that grass look greener on the other side of that wall!

How awful!

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