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#ive been doing bad. i feel like im so behind
okitanoniisan · 16 days
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new rgg fans will never know what they missed back in ye olden days of the fandom (like, 2019), doubly so now that scott strichart's deleted his twitter and jon riesenbach's privated. twitter was so fucking fun and then whatever-the-hell at sega of america happened and caused a fucking snowball effect and now we have shitass localization and resulting discourse that makes every release nigh unbearable, misinformation, confusion, people complaining about "bad writing/mischaracterization" not realizing it's because of the shitass english loc, i'm sitting here like jesus christ these loc bitches massacred saejima's character voice, people will never see him as he was intended, as original yakuza 5 localization Correctly painted him, and now they're coming for kiryu. god help us. we used to be a proper fandom. before everyone was subjected to the remastered localizations and shaky eng characterization. no one had even played yakuza 3-5, people still called morning glory "sunshine" orphanage, kiryu was our only protagonist and people still called him "boring", it was beautiful...
anyway gaiden uses affective instead of effective because the current localization team is full of careless dumbasses who don't give a fuck about ensuring they're using correct english grammar and this is not an isolated incident
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#ada speaks#ive been playing through the series again from 0-5 and. yeesh#it goes from LIFE IS GOOD. LOC IS GOOD. to. oh.#yakuza 5's original localization is near perfect and they couldve made it better but instead#they opted for the cost cutting approach and decided NOT to retranslate and instead#just fucking. re-localized the localization and SO much is wrong. so much.#im playing simultaneously with a friend (myself on ps3 them on pc) and seeing the differences#and it happens in y3r and y4r too where#the original line is localized > the remastered line takes it and runs with it bc they have no original translation context#ie. in 3 rikiya says he likes 'wild' dancers. (re: strip club) it gets localized to be him liking 'aggressive' dancers.#in 3 remastered he says he likes AGGRESSIVE DOMINEERING WOMEN and that gets his Gears Turning#or. in 5 shinada says that uno is 'a little sad up top' re: his hair. and 5 remastered he says 'kinda mopey'#because they misunderstood the original english loc and so. completely fucked up the line to mean something else entirely#its like broken telephone#the same is SOMEHOW also happening in 8... i dont know HOW but somehow it fucking is#meanwhile im revisiting zero and going OH YEAH GOOD CHOICE. THAT MAKES SENSE. GREAT WRITING. WOW THAT'S AN A+ INTERPRETATION OF THAT LINE.#i miss the old loc team so bad. bring me back.#its mostly frustrating because i can see the shitass eng writing and still enjoy the game beneath it (unless it's not voiced.) but#i feel so bad for everyone flying blind and forced to take the loc at face value#its been like this since lost judgment but the main story was Fine (if a bit rushed) because. scott was still doing his thing#the substories in lost judgment also felt like they were of the same calibre (shit.) as remastered and. idk.#it seems like its been a shitshow at SoA behind the scenes for Years#and it shows.
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arts-i-enjoy · 16 days
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AHHHHHH
#this post brought to you by: me#i. applied for a preapproval letter for a mortgage yesterday. and spoke to a realtor to start finding me houses#i want to move several states away which further complicated things. but the houses there are CHEAP#like under 100k for a 2 bedroom move in ready#anyways i got approved for 80k with a 20k down payment. and im FREAKING THE FUCK OUT#and because i got that pre app letter i have a loan officer calling me today to talk#and we literally work at the same bank so i can SEE that hes active and hasnt read my message#even though its been 45 minutes. KEVIN MESSAGE ME BACK. IM NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO FOCUS UNTIL I DO THIS CALL#AHHHHHHH S C R E A M. it might happening!!!! i might be finally.mov8ng out in a few months!!!#i mgiht be a HOMEOWNER by the end of the year#i have been saving money for this since i was. 16? 17?#ive had a good well paying job since i was 18.#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#once i have a house then i start job searching in that area. and start getting really serious about LEAVING my very good job#which is soooo scary. this job was supposed to be my lifelong career. but then everyone fucking moved to other states and left me behind#so theres no point staying here.#i might never have this kind of job security again.#but also my realtor said that theres a lot of bank jobs in that area so maybe itll be easy to find something#on the fence on if i tell my parents that im Making Moves right now#on one hand its hard to not talk about it becuae im STRESSED TF OUT#but on the other hand when i tentatively mentioned the state i want to move to#richard started yelling and swearing el oh el#might be better to wait and avoid the tension as long as possible?#but also i dont know how they can stay angry when its literally my best option#the other places where my friends live either have 0 opportunity and high housing prices. or are even moe liberal than where im going#idk. why do half of my problems come down to “my parents will be mad” like im a 12 year old or something. shit fucking sucks#this is why i want to get out of here#also it feels weird and bad to talk to my friends about how stressed i am about buying a house when all of them are stressed about#not being able to make rent or something. my problems feel like a brag in a really odd and shitty way. but hey!#if this works out maybe ill start being stressed about how im going to make my mortgage payments! :') yay!
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opens-up-4-nobody · 5 months
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#its crazy how much easier it is to do things when youre not completely miserable lol#this past week has been weird bc ive felt really really good and like normal in a way thats kinds unfathomable#im hoping its the medication but my mood was already on an upward tilt and i was told it would take like 6 weeks for the meds to work#property but like ive been sleeping way more than usual. and by that i literally just mean 8hrs a night lol which is weird for me#like that never ever ever happens multiple days in a row. so idk. when i feel better it makes the 0cd way easier to manage as well#and im just generally not as anxious. on the more worrisome side i kinda just give less of a fuck so like i have an exam im not ready for#Tuesday and im just kinda like hm fuck that lol. ill go thru lil fluctuations of having a lot of energy too#like: i could run around in circles rn. i dont have to but i could. like yesterday i was out with friends and i was like bouncing up and#down while standing and rocking from side to side while sitting. which i kinda do anyway while in crowds but it was more to expend energy#last night i also got like 5hrs of sleep. so like maaaaybe ive been on the bleeding edge of mood elevation but for the most part it just#feels good and not destructive. like if i felt like this all the time that would b fantastic. its like oh so this is y ppl dont long to b#put out of their misery lol. depression? who? i dont kno her. sounds fake. but as soon as i fucking say that ill b fucking slapped back#down to earth. ugh. annoying. no emotional object permanence. i hope its the meds. if this is the person i am under layers of misery then#that is fucking so insane. we shall see. im curious to hear what the psychiatrist thinks of my brain when i follow up with her#i gave her my full dys1exia assessment which gives a pretty good picture of how my head functions. oh fuck i bet i would do waaaayyy better#on thise test if i took it in this state of mind. but anyway she has that on top of like 3 assessment sheets i filled out#dispite everything i still want someone to categorize me into a discreet box. tell me doc. am i really bip0lar? really really?#ur sure??? like 1000% sure bc my brain wont let me accept that unless its beyond a reasonable doubt. i just doesn't seem that serious.#i mean. it is but like ya kno. its not that bad. ay. this glob of mush behind my eyes runs me in circles#but for now thats ok bc i feel like i could run up a mountain or punch someone in the face lol#unrelated
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haemosexuality · 3 months
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i feel like im probably gonna be talking about this a lot here since i cant talk to Her about it and it really is bothering me so much
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jupitcrising · 9 months
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sorry to keep harping on it but . literally just in general i want to do more plotted stuff. i kinda discussed this in private w/ a mutual and was feeling on the fence as whether or not i would actually Say anything but like. i do reblog memes fairly often because tbh i like to hoard them in my inbox - sometimes i use them as little warm-ups or segues into doing Important Character Moments. but i think part of the reason for my fluctuating muse is just . an overwhelming amount of "wing it and see what happens" threads. i like those a lot! i really enjoy them! but theyre hard to end because it's like . there's no plan for the thread and they tend to peter out and lose momentum. like my most recent roleplay experience was discord warrior cats rp ( i know i said we werent gonna talk about it but we are actually ) and like. everything was plotted out, at least for me. like if i was writing a thread with someone we had already discussed in advance the goals of the scene and what we wanted out of it ( even if it was something as simple as "the clan is starving and we need to catch stuff, they can have a little chat while we're doing that )
so its been very weird for me to do like . the complete opposite of that. and ik this is my fault for not communicating what im looking for in roleplay but im. doing it now. hand gestures. i am going to do my best to make sure i wrap up everything ive got going on right now but in the future i really am going to try to do more plotted stuff. cos. im. i can tell it's affecting my motivation to write and it's a little :(
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possum-tooth · 3 months
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love being insanely depressed. i have to WORK today PLEASE go AWAY
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scattered-winter · 7 months
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woe another tag vent session be upon ye
#one of the girls in my class looks just like her. oh my god.#like im not being dramatic i literally thought it was her in my peripheral vision.#literally almost burst into tears in the middle of the room lmaooooooo#and then for the rest of the day every time i saw someone with her hair color i just saw her.#this shit sucks fr y'all i have never almost cried in public this much#and then i had to drive to pick up some groceries and fuck.#ive never been an anxious driver. i quite enjoy driving actually.#but i literally almost had a panic attack when i first pulled onto the road. i was so fucking anxious the entire time i was behind the whee#someone came up behind me pretty fast and i legit had to pull over to calm down it was so bad#so uh. not gonna be driving for a while lol. gonna kill myself or someone else doing that.#idk. idk i think this has me pretty messed up and i probably will be for a while. idk#my roommates and i finally decorated our living room and it was . fun. we laughed and made jokes and it was fun#but well. predictably i am feeling guilty over having fun now. which sucks ass from every angle#should i probably maybe make an appointment for therapy ???? probably ???????????#idk. might be good to talk all this out out loud yk. but also i Know i will cry and i dont want to do that.#sigh. anyway.#also predictably i cannot sleep. couldnt last night either.#i might go paint in the living room. i dont know.#anyway if u read this whole rant ily ur earning the veteran's pass to Winter's Breakdown Sessions#winter speaks#personal#grief tag#<- once again if u need to blacklist. will not hold it against anybody i prommy#tw death#tw panic attack
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chradi · 6 months
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I’m unironically pretty happy with where I am in life right now
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leek-soup · 11 months
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so last wednesday was quite special bc my bf & i got to hang out with kronomuzik, pandrezz & ronare, who are actual famous people (and i do mean famous, these guys are known by both youtube and twitch stars, they've filled the Olympia in Paris etc) and bc bob is friends with krono and they were in Toulouse this week, we joined them for a few drinks, which turned into clubbing and walking them home early in the morning. i didnt take a single picture bc i was too afraid of looking like a groupie (when in reality i dont even listen to their music lol) but it was a really nice night, all three of them were so fun and friendly and tbh it's all ive been thinking about these past few days, i just wanna do it again but i know i can't bc they're busy and famous and live in paris and so many other reasons and basically this was probably a once in a lifetime thing but it's hard to wrap my noodle around it bc it all felt so effortless, we were all v comfortable around each other and really partied like we'd known each other for years so yeah kinda hard to go back to the reality where we don't know them but 🤷‍♀️
(here's one of their tunes, they each have solo careers but lately they've been working on their joint project called ZZCCMXTP (pronounced zizi caca mixtape) which literally means "peepee-poop-mixtape" lol and still sold out one of the biggest venues in france and features major twitch streamers and youtubers)(and this track in particular makes sense here bc it directly refers to the bar where they met in toulouse which is actually where we joined them last wednesday hehe)
BUT THAT'S NOT EVEN THE POINT OF THIS POST ACTUALLY 🥲
my point was that ronare asked us what we did for a living (actually it was 4am, the club was closing and he asked us if we worked tomorrow, which made me laugh a lot) and when we said twitch and he asked what we did, Bob said "mostly gaming" and Ronare said "yeah..." kinda like he was disappointed by that boring answer bc duh everyone streams video games and when Bob kept going "but I also host interviews around cinema and the movies that make us" ronare was interested again and he said Bob was right to focus on a passion and to have something that makes him stand out and that bring people to his channel *other than video games*
and i've been overthinking abt this conversation since then bc i've been streaming for well over a year now and i still dont have that. i just play my silly games, struggle to keep my 3 viewers' attention, and feel like crap afterwards bc i can tell im not funny or interesting or anything different than the thousands of ppl who desperately try to make it on twitch........and on top of my abyssal sense of showmanship, i dont even have that one special concept that people can remember me for. im literally just another face in the crowd... and so ive been desperately trying to figure out wtf i should do, trying to find a valid, solid idea, a concept, anything and the more i think the more i feel bad for not finding anything. i feel so stupid for not being able to come up with anything. im literally so uncreative it hurts, i bore my own self, how the fuck am i supposed to entertain anyone? and then i start spiralling bc what if i can't make it? what if i have to, or chose to quit twitch? what the fuck am i going to do w myself? wtf is going to happen w bob? bc i did move here so we could stream as a team, so if i don't stream anymore, what will he think? will he still want to be w me?
and instead of using it as fuel to motivate me to move past it and force myself not to be this pathetic, i just panic and freeze and start crying in private, convinced once again that im good for nothing. yay!!
#i really hate that im incapable of improv#i have no repartee no sense of humor of my own no creativity no spontaneity#i never know what to say or what to answer and i always feel dumb as shit whenever ppl try to make me participate and im like 😶#and it's funny bc lately on stream i was talking abt how im incapable of experimenting w things#like i prefer to follow instructions or recipes and im too chicken to improvise and test things out and try different things#bc i feel stressed out by wasting time & resources by trying to figure things out and so i prefer to security of following protocols#but this also means i will never invent/create anything worthwhile if i dont step out of that comfort zone#and that same obsession for rules or protocol or blueprints is what's been blocking me on my Humanities project#i know i want to do something around geography and getting to know all the countries of the world#i know which aspects i want to focus on (history/cuisine/music/movies/etc....)#but i still dont know exactly HOW to explore all that or WHAT the project actually is bc i feel like im still missing the routine behind it#i think ideally id want a step-by-step approach for how to know these (x number) aspects about (x country)#and then copy/paste the form and fill it up basically#but omg what a boring thing to do or watch on stream#so that's out of the question#however bc i suck so bad at coming up w new ideas i still havent figured out what else to do#ive been thinking about it since january btw#and the project is still stuck in limbo while i want to skin myself alive :))))))#anyways... sorry for the long post#guess i really needed to vent 🥲#personal#Spotify
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strawberrysweater · 8 months
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WHY AM I FEELING SELF CONSCIOUS AND BAD ABOUT POSTING SILLY ART WTF IS WRONG WITH ME
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willowfey · 1 year
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#i am not doing well girlies#disclaimers that i am fine i'm always fine i will always be fine but hooo boy i do not feel fine lol#everything is always overwhelming i am always sad  everything feels itchy#every single morning for weeks ive woken up with an anxiety bellyache and no matter how tired i am still i just have to get up#everyone i look up that i used to know is like. married and having babies or working their dream jobs and i just. im happy for them. i am#but where do i belong in all of this?#i know everything feels worse lately bc we're moving house and the routine changes and empty rooms feel Bad#plus my mom has not been doing well mentally which i feed off so it's just. you know#but will i ever Not feel like im so far behind? will i ever Not be deeply unsettled by even the mildest changes?#everything is so slow and so fast at the same time and it makes my head spin and we have a new friend who has a son my age and i was hoping#idk. that he'd be somewhat similar to me? falling behind a little bit too? maybe i could make a friend irl that understood a little?#but then i casually ask about him and oh no ofc he has a partner and family of his own etc etc#right. that's what i'm supposed to be doing at this age.ha#so many ppl i went to school with are married now. im turning the age this year that my mother was when she HAD me#meanwhile ive never even kissed anyone never even held a boy's hand never had any attention like that ever and#i wonder so often what it's like to be wanted by someone but ive never felt more undesirable#i cant imagine anyone looking at me and Wanting me. and at this point as romance obsessed as i am idk if i could even handle it#and the other night i was having anxiety dreams over the fact that i rly want kids but even waiting until im 30 thats only 5 years??#and 30 is already fucking five years away from being considered a GERIATRIC pregnancy?? but im not even done being a kid myself!!!!#and also who the fuck is gonna have a kid with me?? and who knows if i can even get pregnant when i rarely have a period ??#and i cant imagine not liiving with my mom and sister but does that mean i'll live with them forever??#will i be 30 35 40 45 still feeling like a kid? or worse.. will i not feel like myself at all?#will i be married to someone i dont love madly simply bc im so terrified to be alone?#or will i hold so tightly to my stories and fantasies that i will be alone bc nothing could ever live up to them?#will it even matter what i want? will anyone ever want me to even give me the option? or will this all stay hypothetical forever#im just. stressed. and i thought i'd be more by now.
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kunoichi-ume · 2 years
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Logging into swtor for the first time in months:
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opens-up-4-nobody · 6 months
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#what does one do when their perception cannot b trusted? im so physically and emotionally exhausted#and i can go from feeling hopelessly terminally bad to completely normal for no apparent reason. and on occasion i can go from normal to i#think i can stay up all night. i never have to sleep again. look how great i can focus. i could kill god.#and i have no emotional object permanence so it feels so stupid when im normal. i cant sympathize with myself in altered states of mind#and it doesnt matter but it makes me crazy the idea that i might not b bip0lar but i just push myself so far that under pressure my mind#splits into the catastrophically positive or negative. but i feel like this is how i have to live. i have to b perfect or pay a blood debt#and thats just how it is. and thats how its been. so at this point ive spend thr last idk 15 years of my life being d#some measure of miserable for no reason. i dont kno y i do this to myself and im 26 now and idk how to stop bc even pushing myself as hard#as i can im so far behind. how am i supposed to do less and not#and not just quit. im compulsive for a reason. there's a fundamental barrier between myself and understanding language but if i do more and#more and more then i can at least try to keep up with everyone else. idk im so tired. and im 26 and im afraid im stuck like this#and i cant even... its like ive split my head in 2 to cope. ive created distance within myself so that i cant fully feel how terrible i make#things for myself. half my brain is always like lol suffer idiot. it throws off my therapists bc i cant take my own pain seriously. ill#laugh and smile while im like yea i feel horrible like most of the time and i dont kno what to do lol. idk so it goes. i think im gonna stop#with the birth control tho. as it doesnt seem to help with my sadness levels. idk if ite making ot worse or not. guess well find out#itll b easier once i dont have to b trained on things. then i wont have to ask a question and burst into tears on my lab mate 🙄#unrelated
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clamorybus · 1 year
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i should've gone to college
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mrfoox · 1 year
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Just remembered how after my autistic diagnose every offical person was so careful to approach me about it at first. I know that's probably standard bc not everyone will like those news or know how to handle it but I legit just had doctors go 'hey... So... Are you okay? How do you feel?' and I was like 'haha, nice, so I haven't just been faking/now I know why I'm so different'
#miranda talking shit#And i mean... I wouldnt be diagnosed at all if i didnt personally call for it. I wouldn't have been able to see anyone unless i brought it#Up. Bc ive always been good at masking no one even considerd i was on the spectrum. And it wasnt until i got friends who was diagnosed and#Discussed it with me and their experiences + me reading up on it myself ... Where i was like wait uh ... Actually lol that's me haha#But i know plenty of people probably don't like to get the diagnosis. For me personally it was 90% a gopd thing#It felt a lot like... Ive always known i was 'diffrent' and ive always felt something was so wrong with me bc i didny work like other peope#And then it was like .... No im different but this is the thing that makes me different and its not something 'wrong' with me#For me it felt very freeing to get i guess a label or name on why im different. Before iy was all just... On me?#Like it was my own fault. Why couldnt i do this or just act normal why couldnt i just handle things others could? It all felt very. ...#Personal. Like it was my own fault ? Idk man. It was just great to get a reason to why i was diffrent and that it actually ... Made sense?#There were reasons behind why i got so overwhelmed or behaved weirdly etc yeah#My relationship with my own autism is the weirdest shit ever bc i dont personally think there's many positives with this diagnose#I can think of 10 cons per 1 pro basically but i also... Never had any bad feelings about getting it on paper that i have it?#I know my life would be much easier if i didnt have it. But i also know it cant be cured and is just part of me so#I have a fairly good or at least neatrul general feeling about it. Before i was diagnosed I'd cry and have breakdowns as to#Why i was so weird and why i couldnt be like everyone else. I got that on an weekly basis. After my diagnose? Very rarely.#I guess thats why im so... Supporting and maybe pushing others who think they are on the spectrum to check it out#Many will think oh but it doesnt DO anything. It doesnt change anything. It doesnt help to get it on paper ya know ?#And well yeah i guess technically that's true but man idk. If you have ever felt alienated like ive been my entire childhood and teen years#Getting the diagnose was so nice. And i got to learn about myself in much different ways than before. And understand that i am in fact not#Alone and not so misunderstood by everyone on earth lol.#@anyone who think they might be autistic give me an message and lets talk tbh if you want and need someone to discuss that with#Autism tag
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finalrestingplace · 1 year
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logged in to fb to do my yearly "deactivate in time for my birthday so that i don't get the attention", didn't get sweats and heart racing palpitations from logging in to fb.
i still have a phobia of that site and of talking to my friends online. they've been worrying. i don't want them to worry. i want them back. i'm just relieved they've still stuck around and not deserted me for my poor choices (not communicating online because of my phobia)
i'm going to tell them soon where else to get a hold of me it's the right time
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