#ive been in a depressive slump for weeks and i dont know how to get out and every time i start to feel ok again someone or something

[xr0tt3nxfl3shx]

👁💊My Medicine is underdeveloped and my Amygdala won't work.💉👁

Twomp[AU] fanfiction + art !! Pertains to the events in this post. [No beta we die.]

⚠️‼️TW: VOMITING / OVERDOSE / SUICIDAL IDEATION / UNREALITY / CORRUPT MENTAL HEALTH SYSTEM / GENERAL MENTAL ILLNESS THEMES‼️⚠️

A/N: i didnt wanna mention it tbh but just in case, ive been down the chemical consumption road 3 times, an i mention because i know the internet has opinions on mental illness in writing. But ive been there myself. All up close and personal like. so i think i can speak on it (dont castrate me)

POV: 👁Argos👁

I scratch at my skin in the dark of my room as if that'll hold in the tears from spilling over my burning red cheeks. The feeling of rage and overwhelming depression clash within me, and leave me to switch every few minutes between cursing the name of every therapist who ever told me that "I'm not even trying to get better" and crying over the idea that they might be right.

My heartbeat is so vigorous that it feels like at any moment the tendons will tear away and my heart will burst in my ribs. How could anyone say that to me? I seethe and hiss through my gritting teeth. Why can't I get better? I cry enough to fill an ocean and nearly drown in my tears.

I should be able to control all of this by now, I'm not a child. Yet, I can't stop thinking about putting the heads of those who hurt me on a platter. Or banging my head on my bedroom wall hard enough to dull the heartbreak. My eyes are running dry from all the tears, I've been at this for a while. My head is pounding from the adrenaline. All reasonable thoughts are drowned out, with intrusive and irrational ones taking the place of my internal voice of reason.

I can make it better, I can make this better. I just need to try a little harder! Just.. go a little further. These feelings, it's just a chemical imbalance right?

I'm running out of options, types of therapy, pills, at this point I might as well just get a lobotomy. I'm sure my therapist would like that.

There's still time to make this right. I don't have to end my life to end my suffering right?

I can prove them wrong. I will prove them wrong. It's just a chemical imbalance. I just need to fix it.

I rummage through the medicine cabinet above my bathroom sink, overlooking the blood crusting around the drain. There has to be something in here that can make my head stop pounding or my thoughts quiet down if not for just a little while. Maybe everything all at once? Yeah that should do!

Laid out in front of me on the cold tiled floor of my bathroom are various pill bottles. The amount of pills actually in them is varied, they like to switch my meds every other week it seems. I try to be hasty with this, pouring out a small handful of gel capsules into my hand. Each one smooth, glossy, and slightly cool to the touch.

You know, I've been here before, and typically there's some survival instinct in me, paralyzing my hands before I can do any damage. But all I can feel is anguish. And anger. And there's no more room for self preservation in me.

I take my first dose before I can come down from my emotion fueled adrenaline rush. Quickly now don't let the self preservation come back. I take my next dose of a new pill type, a tablet. It was a bad idea doing this dry but oh well!

Before I know it I'm slumped against my bathroom door, unable to continue my self medication on account of the mounds of pills I dry swallowed having begun triggering my gag reflex. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about this, but it had to be done. My therapist is always urging me to take steps in the right direction!

(Though admittedly he never mentioned which direction is the right one.)

I make it back to my bed, dragging my feet and leaning on the wall for support the whole way. It's not even five minutes in when I start to feel the effects. I probably should've eaten before taking my pills like the instructions say.

This is different though, I feel my connection to reality slip right through my jittery fingers. Like the shadows in my room are divulging their presence. Like they are reaching out their hands, ready to take hold of me, pull me in and make me one with unreality. An emptiness overcomes me, something I've truly never felt before. And it's the strangest thing, because simultaneously I've never felt more alive in my life.

Everything is really funny, I've never noticed how funny everything is up until now. Every little unorganized thought that pops up in my foggy, spacing-out head manages to get a strained laugh out of me.

Visual snow floods my peripheral, the colors of the world begin to become one with the static in my eyes.

Ah, I remembered what I was going to do in here. I need to call Mr. Plant. I need him to know that I'm going to get better, and how much I love him of course. Oh he'll never understand just how much I love him! I love him to death, haha! Literally.

I dial in the number. Moving has proven difficult, like trying to control a vehicle while tired and out of it, or in my case trying to control a vehicle through the most debilitating brain fog I've ever experienced. The disconnection from body and thought is almost calming.

The ringing of the phone is such a funny thing as well. I could lose myself in the methodical rhythm and loose vibrations running up my hands- oh look here he's answered!

"M‐r… plant! I ha-ve.. s o me thi.. ng to tell you."

I am fighting to get the words out. The weak sounds I manage to get out of my raspy throat come out in uneven tones with jarring stutters. Why is it so hard to speak?

"I took.. a lot o-f... my me-ds. Ha-ha!" He hangs up immediately.

Is he not happy for me? It wasn't long before I heard sirens closing in. Did he call the cops on me? That's no fair, no fair at all.

I've never been rolled into the back of an ambulance on a stretcher before but there's a first time for everything I suppose. It's too bad I'm too out of it to really experience it.

In the ambulance is when the first wave of nausea hits. I could barely even feel the EMT insert the IV or hear when they asked me questions.

———

The heart palpitations do their diligence distracting from the perforations left in my arm from the injections of various medications and the IV drip.

My respiration is just as irregular as my heart's chemical damaged rhythm. I feel like I'm drowning in this heavy air and it feels like the knots in my stomach have spread to my heart. This pain is so unbearable that I feel the need to crave it out of myself with a blade.

The world is doubling- no tripling, blurring, and mushing together all at once. I can feel the hum of the fluorescent hospital light buzz through my head. The scent of rubbing alcohol and sterilized equipment is evident throughout the cold medical facility.

By my own hands I've made my body a place unsuitable for living. I've "almost drugged myself to an early grave" as the hospital staff keep reminding me.

Speaking of body, I can no longer tell where I end and the wires of the EKG machine begin. Neuropathy has set in and nerve sensation has dulled for the most part, except in my stomach and heart where it hurts the most of course. But me and the machines they have me hooked up to might as well be one as long as they are taking the place of my dysfunctional body systems.

When they run the EKG scan, which they do about every half hour, they ask me to stay as still as I can, but it's hard to control the shaking when I don't know where it comes from in the first place. I'm by no means cold, or if I am I really can't feel it.

Have I mentioned the shaking? The tremors? I need to grow accustomed to the flavor of raw stomach acid soon, because that's all I've been throwing up anymore. It's all that's left.

The nausea begins to build all over again, like my stomach is writhing and contorting in my torso. I can feel the knots being tied. Over the next few minutes it builds and builds, I'd do anything to stop the encroaching bile now. The nausea completely overwhelms my senses right before another round of the most violent retching I've ever experienced. Accompanied by the most awful squelching and splattering sounds as it hits the rest of vomit already resting at the bottom of the bag.

I feel like I'm nearing being turned inside out everytime it happens. And I've filled yet another vomit bag. This isn't going to stop for days as the doctor told me. I doubt I'll get the luxury of unconsciousness.

The activated charcoal they gave me to drink is like this black sludge, "slow and steady now, don't drink so fast you throw it all up but not so slow that you succumb to the consequences of your own actions." Well maybe that's not what they really said but it's how it felt. I can tell the staff are judging me, I just know it! They think I deserve this.

At least the charcoal is cherry flavored.

My many eyes dart around the clean and pristine hospital room erratically, glancing off in every direction. I don't want anyone to look at me anymore. I can't stand the buzz of the lights and I can barely bring myself to move enough to blink. Or even move enough to breathe. I am much too dizzy and light-headed to even consider standing up. I'm so dizzy I could swear I'm phasing in and out of my body. The only thing keeping my consciousness bound to this body is the unending pain ancoring me in the reality of my situation.

It's growing increasingly unbearable.

Above all else I am losing my mind trying to figure out where I went wrong tonight. These chemicals were supposed to fix all these feelings. The pills were supposed to fix me. My psychiatrists and therapists all told me that I'm sick, disordered, and all I needed was to buy a few more medicines.

It must be my fault, it must be if hundreds of milligrams of mood stabilizers can't just make it better.

Tell me, anyone tell me, why I'm so useless that I can't even help myself?

Why am I so worthless that my medicine won't work on me?

I am almost entirely suspended in unreality. The prozac, olanzapine, mirtazapine, and everything other useless drug they gave me were meant to cure me. I've tried everything!

I've done the very most I can to try and make the bad thoughts quiet down. And are the thoughts that tell me "I'd be better dead", my own thoughts, or a symptom of one of my diagnoses?

Is the reason I'm like this the same reason I don't deserve love, or do I not deserve love because I'm like this? I want to get better. I swear I really do.

So why does no one believe me?

"Sir, you have a visitor." The nurse informs me in a harsh yet hush tone.

The words barely make it through my chemical head. I'm practically catatonic in this hospital bed. But when I do process them I pray to every divine that it is who I think it is.

Red petals on the top and bottom, two yellow petals, one pink and one blue. I was right!

I can't believe he came all the way down to this void to come see me. I really thought he'd stay home. I don't think anyone or anything could possibly understand the pure desperation I feel coursing through my veins. Right alongside the saline they're using to flush my IV of course.

My boyfriend entered my hospital room, #34 I believe, I saw when they rolled me in on the stretcher. Tears well up in my dried eyes, I couldn't feel enough of anything to cry while drugged out of my head but seeing him, well, I need him more than I have ever needed anyone before.

The look on his face when he saw me is one I didn't know he was capable of, pure horror even. I must look horrible stained with my own bile in these itchy hospital scrubs. He is quick to clasp my hand in his and rub along my knuckles and the back of my palm. Through the blurred vision and tears I can't even make him out anymore but I don't need to, I just need his touch. I need it so badly.

I have no depth perception at the moment, or hand eye coordination, and again everything is quite blurry so it was mostly unintentional when I pulled him in by the sweater. He leans into me and wraps his arms under my upper back, holding me against his chest.

He's warm against me, holding me gently in a hospital bed. I can't feel much at all other than the pain, his warmth was the only other sensation I could pin down in my head. It was such a harsh contrast from how I normally see him acting.

With him so close I can't tell where he ends and I begin this time. Even in one of my most painful moments, I feel a familiar comfort in my palpitating heart. He's the only thing keeping me from going entirely mad. He has no idea what I'd give to melt into him right here right now, become an amalgamated abomination of our half hazardly bonded flesh and bone. I'm afraid I'd ruin him and all his perfection with me and all my misshapen and grotesqueness.

I am especially disgusting as of now, making him worry about me like this. Can I not be horrible for just one second? Selfish, that's it. I must be selfish. I take another go at speaking a moment after we pull away. All I can muster is an apology that comes out more like a pathetic stammer through my tears.

The way his cold gaze met mine shook me. I've never seen real tears stream down his face. He looks so... distraught. Its like he's looking right through me and simultaneously looking directly at me. And on top of everything I've never seen him sign so frantically. He rarely signs at all.

"Please don't be sorry."

…

"Don't strain your voice."

"Just stay right there, okay? Do you need anything?"

"I'll get you anything, I'd do anything for you."

I knew he cared about me, but I guess I never realized just how much. Or maybe I just forgot. How horrible am I?

Is it possible I'm actually worth something to him? Worth enough for him to call me an ambulance, worth enough for him to comfort me in the hospital bed, worth enough for him to cry over me?

Was I really worth staying with all this time?

My thoughts are interrupted by another round of retching, it seems those knots in my stomach weren't just anxiety. Mr. Plant holds my hand through it. I'm gonna be here a while, I know that. But he's here with me, and from the looks of it he isn't leaving my side anytime soon.

I'll make it out alive, not for myself, just for him. And for the possibility that maybe he needs me just as much as I need him. I wish my mind wasn't so scrambled, so I could find the words to express just how much I love him.

I love you Mr. Plant.

#overdose #vomiting #tw overdose #tw vomit #unnamed twomp au #twomp #ashur gharavi #argos twomp #the world of mr plant #twomrp #twomp fanfic #plargos #eye love you #I'm so sorry regular twomp enjoyerd #YOU JUST GOT [COMICALLY ANGSTY TWOMP AU]'D #Spotify

[kasumikoujou]

(very) long rant related to me drawing for enstars below cut (not positive)

as much as i wouldnt want to speak ab it, enstars (in general. the game, not the fandom at all, i love all of you) is making me severely depressed. its fun to talk about it with people and discuss it and whatever but if i am to stay by myself and randomly think of it, or if i have a week off, time by myself, empty days with nothing to do i get locked inside and get sad cause of it. im sorry cause i know it sounds very silly for my favorite games to feature extremely heavy topics and dark contents (regarding the megaten series), and yet a stupid idol game makes me downright depressed with no will to think about anything anymore, it is how it is. im kind of in a slump now because drawing enstars was the first time in my whole life, as ive been struggling for a long time, that i got major popularity over my art. so even though it makes me feel as is, id cope with my real life and try to postpone thinking about this, and just keep on drawing it because im happy to finally have my art recognized after countless and countless of useless attempts. now that i tried placing my attention towards other things, like twst and the new pokemon game, ive been feeling exceedinly happier, despite having had a lot of time off these weeks with nothing to do.. though getting back to drawing enstars reminds me once again of my intrusive thoughts. i do not wish to have to keep on drawing enstars because for one, i do enjoy drawing women way more as ive stated several times, and with how its making me feel like you could all understand why its a slump and a chore for me, in a way, to keep drawing for this fandom. another thing is i also dont wish to lose the friends and mutuals i made by drawing for this fandom, i know many tend to unfollow once an artist no longer draws for one specific fandom anymore, its understandable, but i feel like i would sincerely miss a lot of people that ive had around me so far, anons, people ive only spoken with thru asks or even friends i made due to this. (though im aware i wouldnt -hopefully- lose people ive bonded with over this)

its really hard for me to decide whether to keep on drawing for this or not, if i can overcome my thoughts one day or not, and im sorry if i wont be able to fulfill all the requests all of you have made, and if you would unfollow, thanks for the support up until now 💖

* i will not be deleting any of my old works from anywhere, they will all still be here for all of you to view, as for im even extremely happy with a lot of pieces ive made for this fandom, so dont worry about that

#the sumi rambles

[demon-that-slayed]

alright hello I'm already gonna warn you, this'll be long. btw, thank you sm for doing it, I'm really hyped! you're gonna do amazing, I know that, so do ti as you wish, full creative freedom. (btw, I'm gonna copypaste this because I've already written it once, hopefully that's alright with you)

okay! so. starting with me ig. i dont even know how to begin.

im listening to music atm. i always do - people that dont always listen to some music are kinda psychopaths if you ask me. like, if im not listening to music, i'll be listening to an audiobook or a podcast or be watching some video or netflix. i cant not do anything. i say i love reading, but the last time i read a book has been weeks ago. i just have reading slumps sometimes. not saying that i dont read regularly - god, no. i'll find enough fanfics and oneshots and shit to count for a book. but most of the time i can spare, i try to write. and at the moment, im really doing good! i write drabbles almost daily, and i try to finish a chapter for my actual wip bi-weekly. which... i gotta admit doesnt work all the time but im trying! im just a shit ton of a procrastinator. like, sometimes it physically hurts telling myself i need to do something but not being able to get up and actually do it. i kinda zone out a lot too when im forced to sit through something boring or just when i cant listen to music/watch something at the same time. i fidget a lot, too. so basically as you can see im always doing something, always have something going on inside my head, am quite loud. like, literally, im the loudest person i know, except for maybe my dad, and im really expressive. could be italian with how much i gesture.

for my hobbies, well, ive told you about some of them so far. im not really... sporty. in the slightest. and i dont like sports either. but the one thing i do indeed like is badminton, which i do somewhat regularly. i think i'd suck at quidditch, but, unlike football, i do believe i'd be interested in watching. also i just really want to fly a broom - like, if i could pick any animal to be, i'd be a bird. always would have said so in the past too. maybe a cat, just because i really love them, and am planning to get one as soon as i get my own apartment. i'll take one from the shelter, i think, and if i could pick it'd be a black one so i can call it toothless. i do have a dog right now tho, or rather my family does. i love her, but she's not as cuddly as i'd like her to be, which, i mean, is fine im trying my best not to step over her boundaries, but then again my love language most certainly is physical touch, so my favourite moments with her are when she just allows me to cuddle her in front of the fireplace. its kind of a tradition at this point when theres fire in there. what else is there to say?

ive said quite much already but i feel like im still missing some.

i guess im really insecure of some things. dont get me wrong, i know my strengths, and i fucking love correcting people, my ego is over the moon sometimes. im stubborn and i hate being wrong and i know that im obnoxious when i discuss, just because i cannot stop discussing if theres still something to discuss. but im trying to better, really. some of it at least. still, i am in fact really insecure it seems. i worry so much what people might think of me - i cant present anything to anyone other than my closest family or friends because my voice will start to shake and i will start to sound like im gonna cry. on the topic of that, i cry so so easily. its horrible, really. plus, i have huge anxiety and i get panic attacks regularly, which kinda fucks with my sleeping schedule because they always happen when i go to bed.

okay, but enough with the depressive shit, im not done talking about myself yet. if you let me talk about myself i can and i will write paragraphs. really, dont worry putting all of this into your response. just think of it as me being super happy youre doing this because, honestly, genuinely, i am.

but getting on with it. when im excited, im kinda... like a child, in a way. like i let out unnecessarily high pitched screams and i cant stop laughing when ive started, and i clap my hand in front of my mouth or shake my arms out. im just really, really emotional tbh.

my favourite feeling is melancholy though. its... beautiful, in a very terrifying way. its the kind of feeling you get when you think about your childhood, or old friends, or family members you dont see anymore. its a feeling but its so much more and - i dont know. i dont know how it couldnt be my favourite.

i love sunrises and sunsets and i love the sun in general. im a summer person, partly because im always really cold (my circulation in my hands and my feet is fucked lmao, plus my blood ran low on iron for a while) but like, its summer, i dont get how it cant be people's favourite. plus, my birthday is in june, and my birthday is my favourite holiday. with christmas following.

okay i match you with…

REMUSSS

okay so be warned this is a very bad description but i think you guys would be great with eachother like these are very random things sos I’ll make a list :

(these are like headcanons if that’s fine)

okay so at night when you can’t sleep, he’ll just like cuddle you and make sure you’re fine, and you would make him happy just being there I guess, yk

anyways you two would like bond on liking music and what books you like and you always would have like mini arguments which end in him sarcastically admitting youre right which makes you feel good even if it’s not bc atleast you are right about this song being better or this character being more beil. than the other.

in summer and winter you always dragged him out for the sunrise/sunset and like he would jokingly complain sometimes because he would melt in the heat because it was always cold in the dorms and he had his sweater on

in the winter though you would steal lots of his sweaters and wear them piled on top of eachother because you froze in the cold

also when the full moon was near you’d always like be there and make sure he’s okay and you’d be like there for eachother all the time and like

he would sarcastically/jokingly be annoyed at you but actually really enjoy being around you, especially before you guys date.

oh yeah and you have picture albums filled with pictures that you, remus, or someone else takes that fill the albums

anyways, i hope this was good, ive never done this before lmao

[arcaneyouth]

(this post isnt being queued because if i post it at the ripe old time of 1 am fewer people will see it alright have a nice day)

#vent post #negative #warning: im about to get into some emotions i havent told anybody including my therapist or even myself really and theyre bad! really bad #im not trigger tagging it because it. feels bad. i cant explain that i just cant #so basically just read at your own risk. if i dont get this out somehow i think i might scream #ok so getting just right to the point i am so fucking suicidal i dont want to live in this shitty ass world anymore #i cant imagine a world where i dont have to struggle. i cant imagine a world thats any better than this. #i cant imagine living past 21 anyways cause thats when my doctors said id die as a way to threaten me into doing my meds #i try so hard to be positive and hold on and it worked for 4-5 years and now theres not even a point. #im tired of trying. im tired of holding on. i will never be able to live comfortably. whats the fucking point. #im running out of reasons to stick around. #years ago my reasoning was that my friends would be sad. i cant really use that anymore #because im a traumatized fucking disaster thats been slowly trying to cut off my friends and stop caring about them #maybe i could stick around so i can finish my comic well thats not going to fucki #ng happen because the world is probably going to kill me before i can get it done #and nobody gives a shit about my ocs anyways except for me #or maybe i could stick around for that cool tv show or that video game i want to play or my favorite food #well none of that fucking matters!!! it barely makes me happy anymore. theyre just things. #what about my family? well thats easy i fucking hate them i wouldnt feel bad for leaving them. #ive been in a depressive slump for weeks and i dont know how to get out and every time i start to feel ok again someone or something #reminds me why this world is so horrible. #the internet reminds me every day of how people are dying and how people like me are getting killed for fun #my parents are pessimists who spend every conversation talking about how bad everything in the world is #so the options seem pretty simple to me. either the world kills me some time soon or i'll do it myself before it can. #but i wont #im scared of pain. im scared of dying. i know for a fact id never be able to pull anything off #so the fact that im still here doesnt even mean much. im just too terrified to leave. #yeah post over. sorry about. *gestures at this whole post*. i dont have the energy to write in my journal and ill probably be #too much of a wimp to tell my therapist #this just needs to get out somewhere. i really cant handle keeping it in me anymore.

[rinstars]

hey is everything alright??? you kinds disappeared on us. hope everything’s okay

hiiii everyone! everything's fine. now. at the very least, everything is starting to be okay. i'm sorry i disappeared for a while without saying anything or giving u guys updates about why and if i was ever coming back. there's probably a lot of questions you guys have so ill just break it down in a single post, making it easier for u guys to find what you wanna know.

1. what happened and where were u?

thing is, the last time i was here i mentioned something about being sick and that was originally the only time i needed off. i was just waiting to get better and it wasn't supposed to stretch into a month. however, a very unfortunate incident happened where i had to be hospitalized and monitored as i sustained an injury to my already very weak knee. growing up, my right knee has always been very prone to dislocation but it wasnt too serious to the point that i could still join cheerleading and excel in it. it wasnt until i was doing a dance required for one of my classes and my knees knocked and snapped that i fell so hard crying when i realized this time it was.. bad. i had a surgery that wasn't anything too crazy and got put in a cast until i was fully recovered bc simply popping it back to place like they always did stopped working. that, too, was fine. but finding out i'd have to take it easy on dancing and possibly cut off anything that has to do with the hardcore dancing i was used to for the rest of my life to make sure it wouldn't get any worse than it already was literally depressed me and put me in a slump and i just didn't want to answer anyone and tell people all about it yet. especially not on tumblr where i know people were waiting for something ive promised to finish. i was just very out of it and wasn't sure if i was even in the right mindset to ever continue being here at the time. so there's that but now that im able to tell u all about it, it means it's gotten a lot better and u dont have to worry about my knee bc it's healing fine :") im very thankful for all the messages and i read and appreciated all of them. im sorry it took me so long to respond.

2. what's gonna happen to cfm?

the very short answer to this is im not abandoning it and will continue writing the remaining 3 parts! dont worry! you can rest easy. however, ill take this in my own pace. ill work hard to post it in 2 weeks time but it's not a promise and i'm still wrapping my head around my whole knee thing and the start of my semester. but i love the series and it means a lot to me. i want to see it finished probably more than any of u do that's why you can count on the ending that will surely come. i know ive gone so long without updating and idek if any of u will still be reading it when i post it in a few weeks! but it's a risk im willing to take because we're so close to the end! and i am so excited for all of u to see how suna and yn end up living after where i left act x on hehehe

3. im not leaving and im sorry

i feel really horrible leaving u all in the dark for like more than a month now i think. that was a dick move. if an author i follow suddenly disappeared after what happened in act x i wouldve been mad and worried too so im really sorry. i didn't want to ignore any of u. i was just in a place where i didn't feel like moving. thank u to everyone who has been very understanding with me despite not knowing what was happening. to my friends on discord that i wasn't replying to, to all my followers and readers, to everyone who reached out to my friends hoping to know if im doing well, thank u sooo much and i love and appreciate u all so much.

im sorry this got so long but i hope i answered everything! if i missed anything, please just send me more asks, ill be happy to answer them hehe. love u!

#hi #sorry #love u #read it please #mwah

[ask-the-party-god]

Ask The Party God - Timeline

the pre-terezi-gang timeline post is here

height references over here

hi, im jade! everyones favorite party goddess and trans doggy girl~ but you already know that! if youre reading this, it means youre interested in learning more about my reality, because paradox space is fucking weird like that and you cant really be sure all the time

as far as im aware, everything up to the point where we beat the game happened without deviations from the alpha timeline? so this is what rose has talked about as a ‘terminal timeline’, or ‘post-canon’, or whatever the hell that is supposed to mean

we got to earth-c, and i settled in the troll kingdom because trolls are cool, dave and karkat were in the neighborhood, and the caverns are close by so i can visit rose and kanaya speedily as well! i still do have my old tower out on an island, with my workshop and garden, but i almost never sleep in it, too far away and isolated from everyone...

then one day i found this old active server in the furthest ring keeping tumblr active and i thought, hey, why not have some fun? ;D

as for the others...

my darling sis june egbert! she lives in the consort kingdom, but has been thinking about relocating elsewhere lately! she went through a rough patch right after the game, unsure of what to do and full of all sorts of doubts and questions, but shes doing a lot better nowadays! specially now that terezi is back, shes been a lot more peppy and hanging around with the lalondes particularly!

rose rose rose rose~ happily married to her wife kanaya, duh, but that doesnt make her any less of a flirty cutie! a while back she got really sick for a bit, and weve been keeping an eye on her just in case it happened again, but its been all good ever since! she helps kanaya at the caverns a bunch, which makes her schedule busy busy... and you didnt hear this from me, buuuut words out on the street that she and kanaya may be warming to the idea of having a kid! <3 well see how that goes!

one cool dude~ daves a little bit of a shut-in honestly! and honestly i dont blame him? he must be tired after all the timeline and time travel shenanigans, so he spends a good chunk of his time hanging out in his and karkats house! hes kind of awkward about opening up with feelings and stuff, and ive been trying to nudge him to be more open for a while! but with all the craziness thats been going down lately, and more people coming and going and getting together, hes starting to consider things he hadnt before~ hopefully, some specific someones? ;)

janey! my uh... ecto-mom, technically, although we see each other more like cousins than anything else! she still owns crockercorp, but ever since jasprose has been around, she has been spending a lot more time at home and just hanging out with her friends, which really, sounds a lot healthier than the big business thing she had going on a while back! she enjoys teaching me baking stuff, but doesnt have much patience for my decorating skills ;p

grandpa! and grandson technically, hehe, jakes kind of a weird case, hes a mixture of a shut-in, a celebrity and an adventurer! he can spend up to weeks at a time without leaving his manor, but then hell have full weeks of interviews and hiking, and thats not to say anything of when he and dirk put out another episode or two of their dumb comedy talkshow... hes often busy with stuff, but hes still a good pal and can clear his schedule in seconds if we need him for something!

one sweet nb dude! rox really is... something else, really! fun to tag along at a party, fun to chill at home playing games, fun to talk about more serious stuff and open up with him, he really is just solid as they come! hes been hanging out a lot more with june since she got out of her depressive slump, but sometimes i wonder if junebug finds weird to get flirty with roxy, considering im pretty sure we made out in front of her at some point or two... hehehe

dirk! if daves a bit of a shut-in, hes a shut-in times two, which is weird because youd think someone stuck in post-apocalyptic earth for so long would want to hang out more? not to say he DOESNT, though! hes around jake often enough, and keeps close to jane, roxy and dave specially! we dont see each other too often, but we HAVE been messing around with robots and planning out to upgrade our respective self-bots for funsies!

aradia! we only met briefly in dreams for the longest time, but i knew already that she was a riot! she came with terezis group after she finally found vriska, and seems pretty happy just... kind of... being around and watching shenanigans ensue! i actually dont know where she lives, but she drops by occasionally, because im apparently pretty ‘fun’... cant say i disagree ;)

sollux is blind, and not dead, and WILL kick you in the shins if you keep prying about how exactly he ended up like that, which is fair enough! he spends a good chunk of his time with aradia, and im not sure if theyre dating or not...? but hes been around the other trolls a bunch! specially kanaya, apparently theyre good friends that go way back! i guess they both DO style their hair similarly, with the side spike thingies...

the other half of the dave-kat duo! swooooon~ really though, i cant remember the last time i said “dave” or “karkat” without talking about the other shortly after... buuut theyre just roomies, and hell get awkward and grumpy if you even so slightly IMPLY otherwise, despite the fact everyone knows they fall asleep leaning against each other during friday movie night! roooolling my eyes~ with the rest of the living trolls having arrived, hes been a lot more willing to go outside, which im glad for! its healthy to get some fresh air from time to time, and specially hang out with friends!

oh-la-la, miss maryam-lalonde herself! kanayas the matriarch of the caverns, and quite the busy gal, having taken it upon herself to supervise her entire species reproduction and well-being... in my opinion, she needs a good vacation from time to time, and to be less of a workaholic! >:o ive been helping her occasionally in the caverns, and as of late weve begun trying to mess around with ectobiology for some troll-human crossing experiments with... not good results so far... but hey, rome wasnt built in a day!

terezis back, yes! after spending YEARS out there looking for vriska, she managed to find her and come back, the madwoman! personally im not sure why anyone would go to such lengths for... her... but also, its not my bond, not my place to speak, she obviously really loves her a bunch! with vriska no longer lost in the middle of the furthest ring, shes started to catch up with everything going on with earth-c, and i think shes really going to like being around! specially with how much june and the rest have missed her ;)

troublemaker extraordinaire herself! shes... well, shes vriska, im pretty sure she stole that eyepatch from sollux? so you just know she up to no good already >:/ speaking of her eyepatch, im not sure WHY shes wearing it? whatever kinda wound she got, she doesnt like mentioning it, despite bragging about defeating english at every chance she gets! terezi says they found her popping in and out of consciousness in the furthest ring with some messy wounds, and that shed probably been hovering out there after the fight for years... doesnt seem to have humbled her in the slightest <.<

callieeeee! theyre super sweet and wonderful but also really shy and awkward! they live with roxy but manage to outdo dirk in terms of shut-in-ness... they also totally like roxy but is unsure about approaching those feelings considering the whole species thing and whatever, ive been trying to get them to open up for a while now! weve written fanfic together and drawn grids, so i can definitely tell theres some attraction there, even if theyre afraid of acting upon it just yet <3

jaspie is roses bane, and the one cat that made me get used to their smell enough that i dont bark at them instantly anymore! im pretty sure she crashes at janes often, and is just as outgoing and flirty as i am around earth-c parties and bars, which is saying something honestly! i wont let her dethrone me as the party god, though >:)

and finally davepeta! theyre staying with june for the time being until they can get settled around and see what they want to do here! theyve also dropped by dave and karkats a bunch, which i most certainly dont mind! i definitely appreciate some help in bringing a romantic vibe into those twos lives~ ;o

and thats about it! theres also the nannasprites and tavrosprite and arquius, but they pop by so sporadically and rarely that i dont know what theyre doing a majority of the time... we lost track of gamzee after the session so hopefully hes totally gone, and we havent heard any message from caliborn in years... and with the furthest ring broken and the black hole sealed, leaving a weird white empty space right in the middle of reality, im not sure what our chances of bringing back the other trolls are :( but still, we keep living on happily over here and having our fun slice of life ending together!

id say after everything weve gone through, we deserve a big break, dont we? hehehe <3

also, particularly important events that happen and are recorded in this blog will be tagged as timeline shenanigans!

#homestuck #party god #jade harley #timeline shenanigans #june egbert #rose lalonde #dave strider #jane crocker #jake english #roxy lalonde #dirk strider #aradia megido #sollux captor #karkat vantas #kanaya maryam #terezi pyrope #vriska serket #calliope #jasprose #davepeta

[lizzodorito]

quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah  no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically,  but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all  the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt 

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted 

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same 

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for 

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so 

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun 

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng 

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME 

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with. 

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to  have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are 

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to  be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

[samayla]

Lemon Meringue

Here it is, folks: the opening chapter of the Lemon Meringue AU! 

Thorin's hobbit is depressed. It's been a very rainy fall, but Thorin has been assured that a homemade lemon pie will help him bring Bilbo all the sunshine he needs.

AO3

This is for @shygaladriel​ and @angelsallfire​, who provided the prompts that spawned this beast last week. I have had so much fun working on this! I’m still going strong, and I hope you guys enjoy this as much as I do!

Chapter 1

Thorin’s hobbit was depressed.

He pondered the issue while he looped wire to make a whisk for Azalea Proudfoot. The rain beating on the awning of his little blacksmith shop faded to a dull background thrum while he worked. Around and around the wire went, and so too did his thoughts, always coming back to the same, worrisome fact. His hobbit was depressed.

One loop. He wasn’t writing anymore.

Another loop. He seemed to have lost his sweet tooth entirely.

Another loop. His green thumb was likewise missing.

Another loop. It had been weeks since they’d had company at Bag End.

“I’d recognize the set of that brow anywhere.”

Startled, Thorin looked up to see Everard Bolger at his counter, shaking rain off his oilskin cloak.

“Marital troubles, I’d wager. What’d you do?”

“Nothing,” Thorin growled at once. No one could say he hadn’t been trying.

Bolger chuckled. “Son, take it from me. I’ve been married near sixty years now, and it’s almost never ‘nothing.’” The elderly hobbit flopped his soggy cloak over the edge of the counter and shuffled around the end.

“You’ll get burrs in your toe hair,” Thorin warned. Once Bolger got settled in, there would be no hope of avoiding one of his infamous lectures.

“Never you mind my toe hair, lad,” Bolger snapped, rapping his walking stick against Thorin’s work table and then perching himself on the edge of a barrel of wire clippings. “Now, tell me what’s happened.”

Thorin hooked a fresh length of wire through the tops of his loops and twisted it to make the base of a handle and buy himself time to think. At last, he asked, “Do you remember last spring?”

Bolger’s impatient scowl melted away at once. “He’s not ill again, is he?”

“No,” Thorin hastened to assure him. He took up another length of wire to wind around the handle. “On our journey, there was an… incident. We were taken prisoner. Bilbo singlehandedly saved our entire company, but he nearly died in the aftermath.” Thorin cleared his throat. He’d nearly died again last spring. It made him panicky just to think of it. “Pneumonia,” he managed after a moment.

“And now he’s susceptible,” Bolger supplied.

“Exactly.”

“And you’re worried about this run of weather we’ve had lately.”

Around and around Thorin wrapped the wire, coiling it into a neat, sturdy handle for the whisk. He didn’t answer the hobbit. It hadn’t been a question.

Bolger nodded to himself after a minute, and his tone turned sharp once more. “And you’ve told him he has to stay indoors for his health, have you?”

“Of course not,” Thorin snapped. “I would never — I wouldn’t —” He stopped himself and took a deep breath. He felt like he was losing Bilbo all over again. He had to remind himself that he wasn’t, and that Bolger could possibly help. “I only… I told him how worried I was, and he said he’d stay in. He seemed fine for the first few days, but then I caught him digging through our things from our journey one afternoon. I thought maybe he meant to work on his book, but he hasn’t touched it, and I feel like he’s barely spoken to me since. He isn’t interested in cooking, or taking care of the flowers I bring him, or having company over to Bag End… I just…”

Thorin fell silent. He could feel the elderly hobbit’s eyes on him as he finished winding the handle of the whisk.

“Well,” Bolger said after a minute or two, “you may have married a Baggins in name, but that lad is half a Took, and that lot has never been very good at sitting still.”

Thorin nodded without looking up. He’d heard plenty such whispers about adventurous Tooks and what a waste of a Baggins it was and how only the son of the notorious Belladonna Took could have married a dwarf, of all creatures.

“You know what to do then, don’t you?”

“If I knew, I’d be doing it,” Thorin growled, chucking the finished whisk into a crate with the rest of Azalea’s order. He slumped at the table with his head in his hands.

“None of that now,” Bolger scolded, rapping Thorin soundly across the shoulders with his walking stick. Thorin surged to his feet in indignation, but Bolger plowed on with the self-assurance only extreme age could bestow. “You don’t know what to do, lad, then you ask one of us who does.”

Bolger just stared at him expectantly until Thorin sighed and sat. “What do you suggest I do, Master Bolger?” he asked in his most placating tone.

The hobbit nodded approvingly and replaced his walking stick against the table. “You say Bilbo’s depressed? Well, what would make that better, in your estimation?”

“The return of the sun,” Thorin answered at once. “He needs fresh air, adventure, and a bit of sunshine to banish this foul cloud he’s under.”

“There you have it,” Bolger declared, nodding again. “He needs fresh air, you give it to him. Adventure? Sunshine? You bring them to him if he can’t go out and get them for himself. Or leastways, do what you can. It’s the effort that matters in a marriage, more than the outcome, if you catch my meaning.”

“And just how do you propose I bring him the sun?” Thorin demanded, exasperated with the hobbit’s non-advice. It’s broken? Unbreak it, of course. Nothing was that simple.

Bolger bristled at his tone. “Well, lad, for starters, you might try being at home. Your husband’s hurting because he’s stuck there? What in the name of the Green Lady are you doing out here yourself? You head down to the market this very instant, and then you come up with an adventure for that Tookish husband of yours, and then you head straight home to deliver it.”

“But what —”

Bolger brandished his walking stick at him. “A meal’s always a safe place to start, but the rest is for you to figure out, isn’t it? You married him, lad, not me. Now, get going.”

#bagginshield #thorin #bilbo #lemon meringue au #the hobbit #kate writes #my writing #fanfic

[betaamity]

i'm just gonna be honest, stop making quick remark posts and deleting them or saying something just to come back a week later

coming online fills me with so much fucking fear and dread. deciding to say fuck it and open Tumblr for once leaves me with this fear im about to come online to hate messages in my inbox from people that only know me by word of mouth or some dm trying to tell me something im about to get framed for

i'm terrified to actually mark myself as online when i use discord. i just like talking to my friends, but every time i talk i can still see dms i never get around to closing with empty threats sitting inside that still fucking terrify me

im not even scared for my own safety, i can deal with being suicidal and depressed because im afraid to just exist. im just fucking terrified of my friends being dragged into this fucking bullshit because they just want to be there for me. i genuinely do not care that im incredibly aware of the fact im still being stalked anymore, i can deal with the feeling of eyes always on me. i just cover my webcam and call it a fucking day. i only fear my friends getting hurt when im not even fucking doing anything to provoke it

so yeah. i dont wanna fucking exist online anymore, at this point in the depression and paranoia slump i dont wanna fucking exist at all, so from that point on i think i will say fuck it and stop actually posting online

maybe ill come back and reblog a couple things but never post when i temporarily feel safe, maybe all i'll actually do publicly online is still make fucking video compilations to post on YouTube and that's it. past that, ive been done with it but ill finally SAY in the public eye im done EXISTING in the public eye

and fuck swifferbeetle/ghostiecasper/digidextrose/dexxyy/whatever the fuck you go by anymore for still trying to pressure people into silence. because im still scared to exist and wanna die because you dismiss the shit you did and threaten me if i talk about it. because you downplay my trauma because it was by your hands so really it couldnt have been bad. it REALLY sells everybody on the 'im a changed person' stuff when you keep doing that stuff to hold some good image.

also before i ever get a free guilt trip of 'well if you feel this way then imagine how they feel!!', i remind you im not the one that groomed a kid and then emotionally abused them for years!

#well i think i'm alright #vent #and with that i leave by poking the bear because im too tired to care #suicide mention // #stalking mention // #paranoia mention // #seriously all i feel on me 24/7 now is fucking. eyes. so many of them. i cant fucking handle that shit anymore #grooming mention //

[marcholasmoth]

OSRR: 1218

tw: anxiety, triggered attack, SO MUCH STRESS.

--

so i got home from work today after depositing my paycheck. the guy at the bank processed my check wrong. stress #1.

i sat down to work on my papers but couldn't immediately because there were things and my mom in the way. stress #2.

when i did sit down and start to work, my mom told me i needed to go pick up dinner, even though she's known all week i've needed to get these papers done. stress #3.

then immediately after eating dinner mom has us all start decorating the house. stress #4.

for christmas. stress #5.

and she kept telling me to do things. stress #6.

and my dad didn't stop talking to me and everyone else. stress #7.

and the tv volume kept randomly spiking and hurting my head and overloading me. stress #8.

i snapped.

my sister - an angel, bless her heart (not in the southern "f u" way) - she noticed i was having problems and took me away from the main area of discussion and chaos and i just kinda slumped to the floor by the dryer. i couldn't take it. chelsea knew this, so she left me there to try to breathe.

i checked my pulse and thought bitterly, "at least it's good cardio."

AND THEN MY PARENTS CAME OVER TO ME AND STARTED TALKING TO ME LIKE THEY DONT KNOW THAT ME BEING TALKED TO IS NINETY PERCENT OF THE PROBLEM so i said "can i go upstairs" so i went and i cried for almost the whole time i was up there.

it was about an hour before i stopped and determined i shouldn't "waste any more time." i wanted to make something to express how i felt. but painting didn't feel right. writing didn't either. so i pulled out a skein of yarn and made a yarn ball. i pulled out a crochet hook. i put on a sweatshirt and headed downstairs.

i started a scarf while my mom was still in the room, but she wasn't talking to me so i was fine for a bit. and then she asked me AGAIN about my papers. for the fifth time today. KNOWING IVE BEEN HAVING ISSUES WRITING THEM. AND SHE PROCEEDS TO TELL ME ONCE AGAIN HOW I NEED TO WORK ON MY TIME MANAGEMENT AND HOW I CANT AFFORD TO SUBMIT LATE ASSIGNMENTS LIKE I D O N T A L R E A D Y K N O W

this is why i hate being home

once she left i started crying again, and i sent my professor an email asking for an extension and telling him exactly how i was feeling. and then i wrote a post for my other class telling them how i was feeling, so my professor knows i haven't been ignoring it, just that i've been struggling about everything and crying for the past three days because i'm stressed and i can't handle anything anymore because everything is a mistake. so instead of being "productive," i started crocheting.

i got a response from my professor a little while later:

he gave me the extension and told me not to panic about school.

i cried again, but this time from gratitude.

i kinda wish there were some sort of "reset" button i could push. something to change the settings. i don't want to be anxious. i don't want to be depressed. i don't want to be fat. i don't want this. this is the actual, literal worst.

#tw: anxiety #anxiety tw #anxiety #anxiety // #tw anxiety #molly rambles #operation srr #osrr #1000s #1200s #i hate everything but mostly i hate myself

[whatislv]

{{ HEY... this is probably not the best time for this kind of post, as im half asleep and a little scatterbrained but you know how Anxiety be, so! so. }}

id like to apologize for the low activity lately! feels like my outbursts of (actually decent quality) content have been less and less frequent over the past couple of weeks...

part of this is because ive been out-of-state for the past three or so weeks by now! ive been chillin w/ my friends i had to up and leave a couple years back for the first time in.... s. since i left. so ive been having a pretty rad time wrapping my ganglyass limbs all around them for the time being and gaining weight back that ive lost from stress fjdhfn no idea when im going back! (': honestly i might not go back at all. i have a lot to figure out.

aside from quarter life crises and location, location, location, im also... a little nervous about how many followers this blogs got. 💦 its more than ive ever gotten for anything. i feel, uh. a little smothered, if not incredibly flattered... but im always afraid that my next post isnt going to be as "quality" as the last, or if im in a depressive slump like this, it reflects on my ability to write rather than, uh. h-have fun. and thats a little lousy. im too afraid that my worth hinges on my follower count??? ive never felt like that before. i thought itd go away but the biGGER THE NUMBER GETS THE HIGHER THE EXPECTATIONS FEEL AND MY FEELINGS HURT WHEN MY FOLLOWER COUNT DROPS 💦

but i love lv!!! im thinking i might move/remake, but ive never done that before, and im worried. but as i am, im too afraid to... change patterns. reach out to other people. network and the like. i dont wanna worry about.... quality. i dont wanna worry about wars going on across my followers list. i wanna talk to people. i want hadz to reach out and develop beyond his occasionally sad yet largely endearing stasis. IT DOESNT EVEN HAVE TO BE HUGE PLOTLINES. ID BE HAPPY JUST NOT CHICKENING OUT OF F2F RPING WITH PEOPLE JUST BECAUSE IM TERRIFIED THAT MY WRITING ISNT GOOD ENOUGH/SOMEONE "JUST DOESNT LIKE THAT." sobs.

uhhh. i dunno how to tl;dr or outline a solid point of this. i guess id just like to apologize for being a static point on the dash, being kind of distant and maybe hard to approach, and a little nervous about the fragile workings of social media as a whole. (':

uhhhhhhhh!!! and also maybe a gracious thank you for those of you who ever even considered clicking that follow button and especially those of you who stuck with me and hadz fjdhfn youre all.... insanely talented, bright, and wonderful individuals, and i love this community to pieces! it wouldnt be anything like it is without you. 💜✨ i hope if i do decide to get over my uncertainties in life and my fears of LITERALLY JUST MOVING THE BLOG SO I CAN BREATHE, METAPHORICALLY, you guys'll stick with me and i'll be able to reach out and get to know you!

and thank you. for everything. truly, this has been an overwhelmingly positive past two years here on the hellsite, despite everything. thank you.

#ooc #tbd #THIS IS A LOT OF RAMBLING AND PROBABLY NOT IMPORTANT AT ALL #but i guess its kind of a.... vague. vaaague update. maybe. #if you squint and tilt your head a little there might be something worth considering in here. #i could probably fixate more on why im having Problems on a social standing... but i dont wanna be like. Negative #especially with some things that are really fixable if i just take a couple steps!!! smh

[peacekash]

I think this is a spritual breakthrough?

or Im finally coming to reality of me.

Having mommy and daddy issues is one thing but realizing you have to let it go sucks.

lol im not giving much context bc noone is listening and its fucking tumblr...but hey, why not 🤷🏽‍♀️just a lil

today felt different for me. it is usual for me to go through highs and lows within my close relationships,especially recently since I was in “da clink” 😂( im sorry i cant take myself serious) but ultimately inpatient (on my fucking birthday! but that is another story for another day) my relationships with ppl have been shaky,my already pretty low self esteem hit a whole another level of low low, and I, for the first time felt a genuine depressive slump... like not taking showers, not sleeping, not having the energy to speak,etc. I’ve been super anxious most of my life (even before i knew what that meant) so I was use to being sad but only on the inside bc ppl were gonna think i was crazy,crazy angry outburst all of dat.So this type of illness was new to me. that im trying to cope with and treat carefully.

today, my mom was in a good mood.well she’s been like this for a weeks but i know its not gonna last. it never does. I use to feed into her happiness streak and depend on her for my happy and ultimately sadness, and blame myself. And recently I’ve been doing my own thing and not really feed into any of her moods and she ended up adapting to this distance but mutual vibe for each other, which sucks bc me and my mom were so close.but in these Quarantine times and having to spend more time together, I have been cooking, doing more around the house, and helping her and ultimately being her vent person, but this time im not taking it personal. idk if im been going to my therapist too much or im actually learning, how to think for myself and honestly it feels different and for months Ive been keeping more to myself not hiding anything but fixing and venting on my own. Anyways back to today, being woken up at 10am on a saturday by your mom asking you to go the store with her is a feeling everybody knows, you dont wanna go but go and you’re going to help your mom bc you love your mom. And i know going to walmart in these times when its honestly chaos and very triggering for an anxiety riddled person like myself,but here we are driving to walmart. I love when she’s happy if though i didnt want to go, i still wanted to help. now my mom does things where she a) complains about how i “make her feel like she needs to rush bc of my attitude” that i dont have b) and leaves me with the buggy with 500 items in it having to chase across this busy store, I can only say im sorry and oh my fault so many times! it weirdly small and unnessscary things to be annoyed by this but im been feeling and thinking deep lately and it bothered me even more than when i was little kid (and i use to get hot !!) but now im a “composed” “functional” adult and now i see this as another example of her not being concerned about anyone but herself,especially the ppl who care about her the most and today I didnt snap but I was stern when i told to her to “stop having me chase you around the store,please?” Now you must think im a drag to be around (i might be)but around her i try to be my very best and im always invested in what ever she’s interested that day. it got to be weird once we we’re driving home and i was cooking dinner. My mom said something that sounds like what i exclaimed to my very gracious boyfriend who puts up with me ❤️, when im feeling low. “... I feel like noone cares that im overwhelmed *about her new business venture*and this is why i feel discouraged “. then I say “ remember what we talked about taking one thing at a ti-“ “we’re in the house the whole my business should be up and running, im slacking... noone wants to help me” and i instantly felt a tight gut feeling from hearing the similarities of our toxic self bantering and even more sadly how she handles it. noone wants to help but you dont ask (but oh she shouldnt have to ask🙄) or when ppl do help (like me, im currently making website and trying to do all her social media managing) you slight them don’t appreciate them. apparently noone is helping her so she has to hire someone? I asked her for what? what else do you need help with” “my social media” i look at her confused bc that what i was suppose to do but she told she got it, and when she’s introuble im there to help. then after she let out her toxic semi hateful speech without any interrupted, it’s like she empty herself out on me to asorb and then mood switches to happy and joyful again. I did my usual cordial walk downstairs to my space, not to fast so you dont seem upset about anything she said but “she knows whats best” thinks even for herself,but hey who am I to judge.

my relevation: doing my rountine facetime calls with my long distance lover ❤️,casually describing my day, I feel a tight gut feeling when (and see I knew i was down today but idk what for) i starting talking about how my mom was acting and what she said and I made the connection. I get the unbearable self doubt and pressuring idealogy from her. I made it journey to not end up like her or in her position in life (not saying she is a terrible but she is the most confident beautiful black women who is caring and thoughtful. she is just unpredictable) I started to wonder if I am perceived this way to my close ppl? but instead of cursing ppl out and being angry I just cry myself to sleep? ... them my tears im my eyes started to well up, which pissed me off bc im tired of crying gurl 🙄😂. bc I realized how I was happy or comfortable at all today, with my mom. she is my closest person to me,she knew everything about me and i was her only true friend who listened and care about everything she said or do when things that really hurt me. i felt this strain in our relationship was my fault... bc that’s what i was told in inpatient and even in therapy by her. no matter what anyone said or prove to me, I was gonna fold my emotions on her, but it is. we are healthy for each other anymore and as much as i want to make it better, I know i cant be under her anymore, i cant be at her beck and call, it all made sense to me. but what made me really sad, is that she doesn’t even realize she hurt self, by cutting off her friends or anyone who wanted to help and got too close, she thinks she always knows what best for herself and everyone around, when the smoke clears and she realizes she by herself and as much as i dont want to leave her to be alone and feel like she has noone, I will never be myself. I feel like i am my own person. but why do i feel so shitty?

ahh fuck it’s 3 am

#depressing #depressing rant #Major depressive disorder #mental ill health #dramatic

[kellamundo]

Alright so here we go.

This’ll be long.

It’s been rough. Very rough. Especially these last few months. January-End of March was super crappy. Then from April to maybe July it was steady for me (still rough but not enough to put me in the slump i was in) but then once August dropped in it went downhill and is still downhill. So i had around 3-4 months ( 1/3 or 1/4 of the year) be okay.

Anyways, enough intro. So i went on a splurge today and dropped like $150 on an outfit and next week i plan to drop another $100 (i get paid this upcoming week) on like things to baby myself like a face mask and a haircut and maybe a new coat or something. I dont usually spend so much on myself but i am now ig.

I know that this isnt good, retail therapy and all. But idk what else i can do. Here’s what i HAVE been doing/trying to do.

1.) Reading. Ive been reading and that’s been pretty good for me lately. Sometimes i slip up but overall im proud that i can make myself read, even if it’s 2-3 pages. I try to read a little bit at least 2-3 a week. I dont beat myself up for it cuz it beats how i was before which was legit skipping class and staying in bed all day and etc doing nothing. At least i can escape in a book.

2.) Face masks. I’ve been trying to use them once a week. And so far ive been keeping up with it. It’s calming to me and it’s helping my skin. My skin has gotten really bad in the past few months and ik it’s because of stress and my depression...but yeah. It’s calming and also helps my skin so yay.

3.) Dancing. I’ve been dancing once a week to try to lose weight and theres been times where i ABSOLUTELY dont wana go and skipped. But for like 12 classes i only skipped 2. So im kinda proud of myself. Granted i signed up for 2 classes and skipped 10/12 for the other class but lets not mention that one lol. Next signup day i’ll just take one so i dont force myself so badly.

4.) Water/Healthy foods. I have made my diet a horrible one. I know it. And i started drinking soda again (ruining my year streak of just water). But recently ive been trying to get back into drinking water and though when im feeling down i wana grab a soda ive just been doing milk or like juices instead. But yeah im tryna go back to water only. So i think thats helping myself out too. And i’m guna try salad once a week and eventually do 2 and try to eat healthier slowly. (I work at fast food so all i eat is junk now and ive been overdoing it lately). Oh yeah! And i’ve been trying to eat at least twice a day. I either starve myself and eat once and it isnt a healthy meal or eat multiple times very u healthily so im trying to balance with 2 meals a day. At least, for now

5.) With my depression ive been avoiding all types of friend interaction. Idk what happened tbh but i almost never hang out with friends anymore. I just go to school, work, dance once a week, and home. But i think this November i’m going to try to reach out and be with people again...even though it’s getting colder and i wont wana be outside. But ik thats something i should try doing.

But, i wana do at least one more thing. Does anyone have any ideas? I dont wana stick with retail therapy and screw myself over ya know? I feel like i should do one more thing but idk what..

Any recommendations?

#personal #advice #thanks in advance to whoever responds if anyone does #selfcare