#ive been keeping myself to painting cause i need to get a good grasp on colors

[klingercollection]

if noone interacts with my art im gonna turn into a roiling ball of flame!!

#do i need to draw blorbos?? do i?? *shakes you violently* #im not great at people cause i have problems with identifying faces irl #every time i draw link botw he looks different!! #ive been keeping myself to painting cause i need to get a good grasp on colors #but i Am taking a figure drawing class and i think im learning alot #ive only got like two classes left tho :( so if i dont get another model source im gonna stagnate again #i overheard a classmate ask the model where he started modeling so ill check that out but still #i think i could use my moms karate studio for gesture drawing tho #when the weather stabilizes i can bike over #maybe i can follow alice to skating lol #skating outfits are more form fitting than doboks #the daily reports need to be signed

[scary-lasagna]

Trust || Part IV

"Tim was always defensive and stubborn, but you could tell there was so much more precious information than he was letting on. It was information that you needed, something that could possibly save your life. And he was being quiet about it. Why? "

Yandere!Hoodie/Brian x Reader

* * * You woke up with another person in your bed the next morning, unfortunately having to share with Tim. Jay moves too much in his sleep, and it was aggravating for the both of you.

But now the smell of tobacco and nicotine was making you sick. The best option was a simple breath of fresh air. You could only hope that you weren't met with a camera like last time, or worse, a red rope and a newly bought knife.

You kept the door open to the building, breathing in the fresh morning air. You even closed your eyes for a few peaceful moments.

Upstairs, though, Tim noticed your absence as soon as your foot touched the wood of the floor. But after getting up to see what you were up to, he paused at the open computer.

It was the only source of light in the room, so it was hard to ignore when it was half-lit due to a notification blocking the white screen.

Clicking on it, Tim saw it was from that ToTheArk account. It was black and white, a style most of the videos held, with static lining the edges.

It was a person, standing in the window, with [Y/N]'s red jacket. 

"Ṭ̷̓h̵̟͋ȇ̶̘y̷̒ͅ ̸̦̑a̵̖͝r̵̥̔e̶̢̍ ̶͓̈́n̴̩̍o̷̲͝t̴̝̀ ̸̤̆t̷͕̏ö̸̭́ ̴̨̿b̸̥̋ê̶̪ ̶̰̿t̶̰̃r̶̨̓ṷ̴͌s̴̩̔t̵͓̀e̴̯͆d̶͇̚.̵͈͆"

Not to be trusted? Yeah, thanks, Tim knew that already. That's why he was out of the warm bed in the first place. He ignored the video, for now, deciding on watching it later after he herds you back inside. 

He stuffed his hands in his pockets, feeling the cardboard of his smoke in the left, and the smooth texture of the picture in his right. He should give it back, Tim didn't mean to take it, but he panicked when he got caught.

Heavy footsteps thumped against the dull and dirty fabric of the carpet. 

However, they were not Tim's.

__

A flash of red was the most warning that you got before being dragged to the ground. The rope lassoed past your vision and secured around your neck. A pair of leather hands grasped your frantic arms and pulled the rope around them behind your back. 

And the cool metal of a blade pressed against your neck, "Walk." When you didn't move, the captor simply encouraged you with a harsh push on your spine. You recognized the car as Brian’s. It was one that you always ate McDonald's in after coming home from a class.

You were pushed through the car door, buckled up, and driven off. In the side mirror, you saw Tim, supposedly yelling as he stomped on the dirt and pulled at his brown locks in desperation. Jay joined him with the usual camera he carries, and you caught a glint of it from the lense that caused you to see spots for a short moment.

"Where are you ta-"

"Don't talk," Brian said, glancing side to side before making a turn. You didn't need to ask. You knew he was taking you to Rosswood. Oh god, he was going to kill you. Your own boyfriend. 

The one who you've spent so many long nights with. The one who's slept in your arms while you run your digits through his hair after he had a nightmare. The same heartbeat that calmed your insomnia on most nights would now be the one to cease yours.

Not many people were at the park, the clouds in the sky predicted rain for the day.

The ropes burned your skin, even when you weren't trying to free yourself. "Can I at least say goodbye to my friends and family?"

"No." He picked you up and aided you over a log before setting you back down to walk.

You tried to start a conversation again, to hopefully get an insight of what he'll do so you can start planning ahead, "Where are we going?"

"Shhhhshsh." The man hushed you, turning gently towards you. "Just trust me, sweetheart. Have I hurt you yet?

"Yes. I can recall a few times, actually."

His lips pursed, "Then that'll teach you something." He grabbed your elbow, quickening your pace through the woods in hope to beat the rain. It was hard to keep your balance with your hands tied behind your back.

You passed the cement building you met in before, and waited by a cellar door that the hooded man was attempting to open.

You thought about the words he said the last time you met.

"I'll make your life a living hell if you don't learn to love me."

Maybe if you started pretending now, he'd take it easy on you. Hopefully. "How about Hoodie?" You pondered aloud, causing the dirty blonde to freeze with the crowbar.

"Hoodie?" It was like he was testing the name, wondering how good it would sound once you first say 'I love you' to him. "Yeah, I like it." He spared a soft smile, one that wasn't Brian's. 

The cellar door popped before banging open with Hoodie's help. He held out his hand, flexing his fingers as he stared into the cellar. You could run. You could escape now. So why were you obeying him and allowing him to help you into his dark and creepy basement?

Maybe it's because you thought Brian was still in there, that he'll find a way to take control and help you. You wanted Brian, you wanted to cuddle on the couch with a shitty movie that neither of you liked. You wanted to feel the tender kisses along your neck, and his large hands sculpting around your curves. 

But you couldn't. Brian isn't here now.

Another fucking damp room. If you left rice in here for a few days, it'd be tender.

"It's not the best but it's the safest place."

"Safe from what? Alex?"

"Literally anyone." The scraping of the heavy bar sealed your only exit besides a window next to it. "C'mere." He mumbled, approaching you and fumbling with the rope. 

On the way through the rough terrain, your jacket struggled feebly to stay on. Hoodie ran his gloved hand gently over the bruises and you couldn't help but flinch away from the sharp pain his touch caused.

"I'm sorry, I don't know my strength sometimes." He whispered, stepping into your line of sight. He was still covering his eyes with the mask, and yet his mouth was free to feel the damp air of the cellar.

You reached up, slowly and placed your hand on his cheek. How could you not feel something for this man? It's the same one you've been dating for almost a year. But he feels alien. 

The tips of your fingers inched under his mask and took advantage of Hoodie leaning into your touch. His gloved hand made his way over yours but didn't attempt to stop your advancements.

"I've watched dormant all of these years." Your captor spoke up in a gravelly voice. "I knew you had to love me. But patience was the key."

You could now see the three freckles that flecked under his left eye, along with the baby hairs around his ear.

"I had to find a way to keep you to myself, without Brian." Your eyes twitched at the name but kept on your journey of taking the mask off. No sudden movements.

"I can tell you still think he's here." His large hand gripped around your fingers. You gulped as he pried your hand away from his skin. "He's not here [Y/N]. I'm in control now, don't you see? Can't you trust me to take care of you better than him? To love me?"

"Br- Hoodie, I don-" "He was always letting you go out with people, your family," His tone sounded disgusted, and his grip only tightened. You were starting to grow worried that he might crush a digit. "And he was always letting everyone touch you. He wasn't worried about losing you." The blonde tilted his head up to look at you, and for the first time, you could see the shape of his eyes through the fabric. 

You didn't say anything, you couldn't. Because if you did, you would scream. Scream for mercy, scream for help, scream to just scream. It was hopeless because now you're going to be trapped down here, if what Hoodie says is true. Your eyes must have revealed your thoughts, because his grip loosened, but guided your hand back onto the mask.

You shed the fabric, and what you saw was not Brian. You dropped the stiff cloth that was stained with both blood and sweat. Hoodie's eyes were sunken in, and rimmed with dark circles like never before. Sure, Brian had trouble sleeping, but not like this. But it was the color of his eyes that unnerved you. What used to be a comforting chocolate brown was now replaced with an eccentric auburn.

He sported new scars as well, and his hair was a tad too long for your liking. You wrapped your arms around his neck, you wanted to smell him. To find a trace of your lost boyfriend. It was there, but faint. The smell of the basement overcome the smell of Maplewood and smoke that you knew so well. You used to love sitting in front of that woodfire stove at his place, just to smell the sweetness of the air.

Hoodie didn't allow you to pull away but rather kept you close as he buried his face in your hair. You looked behind him at the dark basement. All of the carpets were torn up and the bricks were painted back. A few paintings and pictures hung here and there, but nothing fancy.

Except for a picture of you sleeping that hung over the TV. That one stood out. 

"Hoodie, if we're to live together we need to sort some things out." You needed to start playing into the illusion more. Flip the cards and give the captor a little bit of hope.

"I-I know that." He nodded, parting the embrace, but not too far. "I've written some down for you." The bastard almost sounded hopeful.

"Not just for me, babes." You craned your neck to look up into his auburn eyes. 

He shook his head with a chuckle, "No, I'm the one in control. I don't get rules." 

"Then I suppose I won't provide you with my end of the deal." You shrugged, unsticking yourself from his grasp. You didn't even get three steps away.

"Deal?!" You whipped around with frightened eyes. You keep forgetting you can't tease as you did with Brian. "This isn't a fucking deal, buttercup. You're here because I'm protecting you.  And you will love me, you'll cherish me, and you'll be grateful that you get it this lucky. Because I could’ve done a lot worse in getting you here."

Your chest tightened and your arms flex with your increasing heart rate, "I hate you. I want Brian." You kept your voice level. You haven't spilled any tears yet and you weren't planning to.

"I'm not Br-"

"I. Want. Brian!"

The hooded man stared at you, and if you blinked you would have missed him launching off of his right foot to fight you to the ground. Kicking, screaming, and even biting were futile. You were stuck against his warm body, and his arms locked themselves around you as you thrashed.

He stayed like that, hugging you to his chest for a good five minutes. Your limbs were exhausted while trying to put up a fight against your captor.

You finally went limp after realizing your fate. The bobbing of Hoodie's chest made you feel the primal pang of guilt and pity you got whenever you felt Brian holding back sobs in his nightmares after an argument.

And the waterworks started for you as well. You had no fucking clue why he was crying, but you knew why you were.

You'd never see your family again. Your mom would wonder why you left without a call, and your father would miss the weird way you scrunched up your nose while you were in deep thought like he always does. Tim...He'd probably miss bickering with you on the daily, and Jay would have no one to tell him to get some rest after editing for 10 hours straight.

Your hands were numb by now, and you were exhausted from the fight you put on. Hoodie seemed to be done crying as well, because he was carrying you into the depths of the cellar, with tear stains along his thin cheeks.

"This is your room." He mumbled, setting you down on the soft mattress. Each time you blinked it felt like someone poured soap into your eyes. After a few involuntary sniffles, Hoodie leaned down and pressed gentle kisses to your swollen eyelids. 

"You'll feel better after you rest."

#Hoodie #Marble hornets #yandere!Hoodie #brian thomas #creepypasta #trust #tim wright #jay merrick

[i-am-out-of-my-vulcan-mind]

Only Human

This is for @lurkingwhump​, @unorthodox-oblivion​, @guadalajara92​ and all the rest of you who were pissed about Jane’s magic Wolverine healing abilities. 

This is for my @badthingshappenbingo​ square ‘infected wound’

Please let me know what you think 🥰

Kurt felt Jane sag against him, the echo of her scream of agony still ringing in his ears. His heart had plummeted when the other clue hunters had shown up. He knew Jane was in no physical state for hand to hand combat. She had fought well, but had slightly miscalculated a block and the hunter had managed to get a blow in.  They had hit her in the side, hard, and Jane had cried out in pain before crumbling to the ground. 

Kurt had been caught up with his own hunter but became distracted at her cries of anguish, giving the hunter the opportunity to overthrow him. Knowing that Jane was incapacitated, the female had come over to help the male tie Kurt to a chair. They hoisted Jane out of her hunched position, tying her to her own chair. For good measure, they then wrapped the duct tape around the two of them, before leaving, making escape seem impossible. 

“How are you going back there?” Kurt asked worriedly, while he tried to rub the duct tape on a jut in the ledge. 

Jane’s only reply was to groan in pain. Her side was on fire and she could see she was bleeding again. Her eyes fell shut again, her vision flashing, making her feel dizzy and queasy. 

“Jane?” Kurt asked, her lack of response driving daggers into his heart. “Talk to me.” he pleaded. He knew she was in bad shape. 

“I’m ok.” she rasped, though the crack in her voice had Kurt on edge. He needed to get her out of here. 

He carried on working at the duct tape, noticing the missing message and relaying it to her. 

“So the items were decoys?” she murmured.

He grunted in reply, still working at the tape. Finally they broke free. He quickly untangled himself, before untying Jane. She got to her feet sluggishly and Kurt had to help support her when he saw her begin to sway.

“Let me see.” he murmured, lifting her shirt slowly. He could see the bandage beneath soaking through with blood. She bit back a cry of pain when he tried to peel back the gauze to take a closer look. “Sshh.” Kurt tried to sooth her. “I’ve got you.” At the look of distraught on her face, he stopped, lowering her shirt gently. “We need to get out of here.” He said instead. She nodded, leaning on him for support as he guided her back out to the service van. 

They touched base with the team on the way to the airport, learning that Patterson and Rich would be going to the next location. Kurt couldn’t have hid his relief if he tried. There was no way Jane would handle another scavenger hunt. 

“How are you holding up?” Kurt asked from the driver's seat. Jane was hunched over, leaning against the passenger side door with her eyes closed. Her face was pale and pinched in pain and Kurt knew she wasn't doing well. 

“Not great.” she muttered, confirming his fears. For her to admit that - she had to be doing worse than he thought. 

They pulled onto the private airstrip, both relieved to be going back to the bunker. He helped her out of the car, and carefully boarded the plane. 

Once they were in the air, Kurt turned towards her, giving her a worried glance. 

“Maybe you should lie down for a while.” he suggested, knowing she would be more comfortable and rest easier. 

Jane nodded, unbuckling her seatbelt and moving to the front of the cabin to the small cot. Kurt helped her lay down, reaching out to brush the curls off of her forehead. 

“Jesus! You’re burning up!” he cursed, feeling her forehead properly with the back of his hand. 

Jane just closed her eyes, leaning into his touch. 

“How long?” he asked. “How long have you been feeling sick?”

Jane shrugged. 

“Before we left the bunker.”

“Jane…” Kurt said sadly. “Why didn’t you tell me?”

Jane sighed, opening her eyes to look at him. 

“We needed to find the paintings…”

“At the expense of your health?” he asked quietly. At Jane’s silence, he continued. “Jane you can’t keep putting the mission before your own well-being… you did it yesterday and you passed out from blood loss… and then today. I never should have let you leave the bunker.”

Jane shifted so her hands were resting on her belly. She could feel the heat radiating out from under her shirt. Infection was setting in. 

She looked up, staring deeply into Kurt’s eyes. 

“I did what had to be done.” Her face contorted in fear. “I needed to find you… yesterday… I needed to make sure you were ok.”

Kurt’s face softened at that. “Oh Jane.” He took one of her hands, bringing it to his lips. 

“I knew if I told the team how bad I was, the focus would shift onto me. But I couldn’t… I couldn’t do that until I knew you were safe.” She sighed. “Then I passed out and that plan went to hell.” she grumbled. “I was so scared… Kurt… I was so scared I was going to lose you.”

He could see the desperation on her face. “Sshh it’s ok… I’m here now.” he hushed, leaning forward and kissing her on the temple. “But you really need to start taking care of yourself… you knew you weren’t feeling well this morning, but you said nothing… then again… you were shot yesterday… I’m so stupid… I never should have let you leave the bunker.” he reiterated. “I’m sorry I wasn’t thinking of your well-being… of course you would try and push through.”

Jane sighed. She knew he was right. She was going to end up getting herself killed if she didn’t start taking better care of herself. 

“I just feel so much pressure to do the right thing.” she said in a small voice. “I just feel if I’m not pushing myself to my peak, then I’m not doing my job.”

Kurt’s heart broke for his wife. She seemed to be stuck between a rock and a hard place. 

“We all know that you are doing what you think is right.” he replied. “So far everything has worked out.”

“Yeah but at what cost?” Jane quipped. “Reade died. I brought Hades into our home. I was shot. You were kidnapped… how much more can we take?” 

Kurt deflated. “You are right Jane. We probably can’t take much more… I know I can’t… so I need you to start taking better care of yourself… so you can take care of this team.”

Jane nodded, unable to form words. She knew he was right. How was she meant to take care of her own, if she was sick with an infection that she probably could have avoided if she had stayed back at the bunker, hooked up to an IV full of antibiotics. 

“I need you to promise me you’ll tell me if something is wrong.” he said seriously. He didn’t need the extra stress of wondering if she was truly ok all of the time. 

Jane nodded softly. “I promise.”

Kurt smiled gratefully, turning to look at her stomach. Her hand was still pressed to her side. 

“We do need to take a look at that.” Kurt said, breaking the silence. 

Jane blew out a lungful of air. “I know.” she said quietly. 

Kurt retrieved the plane's small first aid kit, before returning to his injured wife. He lifted her shirt gently, before slowly peeling back the bandage. 

The wound was an angry red and swollen, indicating that infection had well and truly set it. 

“Oh Jane.” Kurt replied before he could stop himself. The fact that she had had to have surgery alone in the bunker, made his heart bleed. He wished he could have been there for her. 

“It looks like you’ve popped a couple of stitches.” he told her. “That's why you’re bleeding.” 

Jane grimaced as he changed her bandage, trying her best not to cry out as he patted down the gauze, before taping it to her skin

Her pain was picking up and she couldn’t stop her heart rate and breathing from accelerating along with it. Jane closed her eyes, swallowing thickly, the nausea returning with a vengeance. 

“Jane?” Kurt asked, noticing her distress.”What’s wrong?” 

“I really don’t feel well.” she replied, remembering her promise from earlier. She brought her hand to her lips, trying to quell the sickness within. 

Kurt, understanding her distress, fetched an airsickness bag from the overhead compartment, returning to Jane and kneeling beside her. 

“Just breathe.” he said softly. 

He watched her hands return to her stomach, clearly losing the battle with her own body. 

The pain in her side was white hot, her vision greying. Overcome with agony, she turned on her side, reaching for the bag, and vomited from the intensity of her injury and the infection coursing through her body. She held the bag with one hand, the other grasping at her wound. She felt Kurt’s hand on her back, and she couldn’t help but whimper at the relief that came with his touch. 

She coughed and gagged, trying with all her might to get the churning in her gut under control. The pain in her side was unlike anything she had ever felt in her life. The worst part - she was vomiting from the pain, but the vomiting was causing more pain than she could handle. Eventually her agony won out and she found herself sagging into Kurt’s arms. 

“Jane!” he called, reaching out and catching her before she fell off the cot into a heap on the floor. He lay her back gently, brushing her hair away from her face to try and gauge where she was at. Jane was semi conscious, in so much pain that she was silently screaming. She turned her face into the side of the pillow, her tears running down her cheeks and into her hairline. 

Kurt disposed of the airsickness bag, before returning to her quickly. He stroked her head, trying to offer what little comfort he could. 

“Hey… shh… you’re ok. Try to slow your breathing down… I’m right here with you.” he murmured, at a complete loss on what to do. She needed a doctor, but he knew she would never agree to it. 

The next wave of agony hit, Jane writhed on the bed, trying to curl into the fetal position. Kurt couldn’t stand to see her like this. With one look at her pleading eyes, he got up off the floor and climbed onto the small cot behind her. He pulled her against him, holding her as close as he dared. “Breathe with me.” he instructed. “Come on Jane you need to slow your breathing down.” He started taking long slow breaths, encouraging her to mimic him. 

Very slowly, he started to feel her breathing normalise and he could feel the tension steadily leave her rigid muscles. Eventually, she had relaxed enough, falling into an exhausted sleep. 

Kurt sat there with her nestled against his chest for the remainder of the flight. When the Captain notified him of their descent, he shifted out from under her, managing to pick her up and gently move her back to the seat, buckling her in. She didn’t even make a sound - that which made him both relieved and even more concerned. He was beginning to think she was closer to being unconscious than just asleep. It was only when they landed, that he tried to rouse her. 

“Jane…” he murmured, cupping her chin and stroking her face. “Come on my love, time to wake up.” 

Jane’s face scrunched in pain, before her eyes cracked open. She whimpered softly, preferring things when she was unconscious. 

“Can you walk?” Kurt asked, knowing that she would probably struggle to get down the stairs. His heart clenched when she shook her head ‘no’. He needed to get her home. 

Patterson has managed to acquire two bags of intravenous antibiotics. They had been saving them for a rainy day as they had been so hard to come by. Well, it wasn’t just raining… it was pouring. 

Jane’s fever had skyrocketed and he could feel the heat radiating off of her skin from a metre away. 

Kurt lifted her gently, her only response was to bury her face in his neck. Her energy was totally spent and she felt worse than when the ZIP poisoning had been killing her. 

Ice cream had thankfully organised a car to pick them up from the airport. Kurt carried her down the stairs onto the airstrip, and softly placed her in the backseat of the car. He joined her from the other side, pulling her against him. 

He was barely getting a response out of her now, her body too overcome with the infection. 

“Hang on Jane…” he whispered, wondering if he should just take her directly to the hospital. 

The decision was made for him once he realised their driver either didn’t speak English, or was just ignoring him. It wasn’t long before they pulled into the boundary of the bunker. 

The driver opened the door for him and Kurt got out quickly, making his way round to get Jane. He lifted her back into his arms, cradling her limp, overheated body as gently as he could. 

He got onto the elevator, jabbing at the button with his elbow and descended into the bunker below. 

“Oh good you guys are back… oh my god Jane!” Tasha cried running forward towards her friends. “What the hell happened?”

“Her wound is infected. She never should have left the bunker.” Kurt growled, shooting a look of distaste towards Ice Cream. 

Ice Cream put his hands up in surrender. 

“You’re saying this is somehow my fault?” he quipped. 

“That is exactly what I’m saying.” Kurt shot back. “If it wasn’t for you breaking into our home, she could have stayed here… could have healed.”

“Healed?” Ice Cream questioned. 

“She was shot yesterday. We had to remove the bullet ourselves.” Tasha explained. 

“Ohh, so that is why you needed the blood, yeah?” Ice Cream asked his eyes fixed on Jane. 

Kurt didn’t reply, instead he turned, moving towards their bedroom. He was stopped by one of Ice Cream’s thugs. 

“Get out of my way.” Kurt warned. He was in no mood to be toyed with. 

“Oh let them pass.” Ice Cream said with a wave of his hands. “Clearly, she needs to lie down!”

The thug moved out of the way without a second word. 

“Tasha.” Kurt called over his shoulder, indicating that she should follow him. 

She ran after him, holding the door open to the sleeping quarters. She helped Kurt lie Jane on the cot, taking note on how high her fever was. 

“I’ll get the antibiotics.” she said, taking off towards the storage cupboard.

While she was away, Kurt got to work gently stripping Jane to her camisole and underwear. When Tasha returned, he watched her insert an IV into her hand, running the tubing to two different bags - one antibiotics and the other saline. 

“Thanks Tasha.” Kurt said sincerely. Tasha merely nodded, before leaving to go back to Ice Cream, to help Rich and Patterson. 

Kurt retrieved a bowl of cold water and a cloth, before returning to Jane, sponging down her face and neck in the hopes to cool her down. 

She was still unconscious, though she was reacting to the cool cloth. 

“Oh my love.” Kurt whispered. Seeing her like this was bringing up painful memories. He had nearly lost her far too many times for his liking. She was definitely a cat… though he wondered how many of her lives she actually had left. 

He sat there, sponging off her forehead, listening to the steady drip of the IV for what felt like hours. Tasha had popped her head around the corner to check on them multiple times. On the third visit, she told him that Rich and Patterson had found the paintings and were on their way back with them. 

It was only after the bag of saline had been replaced and Tasha had injected some painkillers into the IV, that Jane started to shift. She coughed weakly, her hand coming to rest on her belly again. 

“Jane?” Kurt asked, hopeful. “Open your eyes baby.” he murmured, stroking her face. Her fever was already showing signs of improving. 

She cracked her eyes open, taking in her surroundings with a confused expression. 

“How-“ she cracked. 

“You passed out on the plane.” Kurt explained. “You’ve been unconscious for hours.”

Jane exhaled softly, raising her left hand to inspect the IV. 

“We’ve pumped you full of antibiotics in the hope we could control the infection without medical intervention. 

“Kurt…” she rasped. 

“Here.” Kurt said, handing her a water bottle. She took a couple of sips gratefully. 

“Kurt I’m sorry…” she whispered. At Kurt's raised eyebrows, she continued. “I never should have said what I did… you are a good man. I’m just so worried that we are turning into what Madeline has made us out to be.” 

Kurt took her hand, mindful of the IV. “I know.” he whispered. She had hurt him when she had said that, but he had known it was just her own insecurities showing through the cracks. 

“I do know you… and you know who you truly are.” she said softly. 

“We are just doing what we need to to survive.” he finished for her. 

“I’m also sorry for what happened on the plane… and for passing out.” she mumbled. 

Kurt rolled his eyes. 

“Jane. You were shot… yesterday.” he said incredulously. “The fact that you were able to get out of bed was a miracle - let alone bounce around Europe… you’re only human.” 

“I know, I know. I’m not a superhero.” she replied sarcastically. 

Kurt cocked his head to the side. 

“Well I wouldn’t go that far… you’re my superhero.” he whispered, kissing her fingers tenderly. 

Jane’s face softened at that. She reached up to stroke his face. “And you’re mine.”

Kurt could see she was already fading, her energy levels totally spent. 

“Get some rest.” he murmured softly. “I’ll be right here.”

Jane fell asleep quickly, and Kurt was confident that she was on the mend. She just needed lots of rest and lots of time. He wouldn’t be letting her leave the bunker anytime soon. 

#Fic: Only Human #blindspot #blindspot fanfic #jane doe #kurt weller #jeller #badthingshappenbingo #fic fix

[daryls-dixon-antoni]

Chapter 11.) Slabtown

I wake up in a plain white room; so much like a hospital, the sound of ticking echoing in my head.

I blink a couple of times, looking around in confusion. My wrist is bandaged up, as though by a doctor and I have an IV drip in my other arm.

I stand up and limp around, when I look down I see that my ankle has been wrapped more professionally as well. I'm definitely in a hospital room, there's a part of me that wonders if everythings just been a dream; like one of those fever dreams.

If I open the door; I'll be back in a world that still makes sense. My husband, sons and daughter will all still be alive. Hell; I bet their on the other side!

I rush over to the door, and try to pull it open to find it ... locked.

It was all real, then.

I start pounding as hard as I can against the door, trying to break it open. That's when I hear what sounds like a police scanner; so I immediately look around my room for any weapons. None. Okay, breathe, uh.... IV! I pull out the IV from my arm, and brace myself for a fight.

When the door clicks unlocked and a woman in a police uniform walks in, her light brown hair tied back into a tight ponytale and a strict 'no nonsense' look on her face, and a balding man with glasses and a beard following right behind her dressed in a doctor's uniform complete with a stethoscope.

I have my hands and feet in the proper boxing positions, but I wait to make my move, watching them closely.

The man has his hands up and addresses me as though I were a wounded animal, "Everything's okay. Okay?"

My eyes move to the Police Lady, instinctively knowing she's the bigger threat. She seems to know she is, and orders, "Put it down," she's gesturing to my IV Needle I still have clasped in one hand. "Drop it right now." I shrug, dropping the needle, but not my fighting stance.

"I'm Dr. Steven Edwards," the doctor dude puts his hands into his pockets as the lady puts her thumbs in her belt. They're trying to get me calm. I relax my stance, letting my hands fall to my sides, but keep my muscles ready for a fight.

"This is Officer Dawn Lerner. How are you feeling?"

"Where am I?" I snap.

"Grady Memorial Hospital in Atlanta," Dr. Edwards reponds.

"Atlanta? No. No! How the hell'd I get to Atlanta?"

"My officers found you on the side of the road surrounded by rotters."

"Run! Get out!" I blink back the vision of Daryl fighting off all those corpses. I'll never know if he made it. Just like I'll never know if Mason did.

"Your wrist and ankle were both fractured and you sustained a superficial head wound," Dr. Edwards says. "Can you remember your name?"

"My name?"

"Yes, do you know it?" Dawn asks, coldly.

"It's Antionette. Can I go?"

"If we hadn't saved you, you'd be one of them right now. So you owe us."

Dr. Edwards and I walk into a room with beeping monitors and a respirator hooked up to an unconscious man.

"Couple of them out there were on a run about a week ago. They found two boxes of Bisquick and a Merle Haggard tape at a truck stop, and then this gentleman under a bridge. Cardiac arrest and extreme dehydration.

"And I tried to do what I could," he steps forward and after pushing a few buttons, all the machines turn off.

We stab the guy in the head and move the body to a metal gourney.

"Somebody ran out of dolls to dress up."

I close my eyes deeply and then we wheel the dead guy out of the room. Dawn is talking to another police guy with short black hair.

"Hold up," the Dr. says, and he starts speaking with Dawn. I don't pay much attention, just trying to keep my head down so I can get out; find my son, find Daryl, find Sev.

Breaking out seems like one of my best bets, I recognize the type of people these guys are. They keep you in debted to them so you can never leave.

When we start moving again, I ask the Dr. "How many people do you people have?"

"Just enough to keep us going," is his answer. When he realizes I won't be responding he continues, "Some of us started here, some came as patients. Everyone has a job." Some came as patients... meaning they never left.

We toss the man down an elevator shoot.

When I'm retreiving food for the Doctor, a police guy with salt and pepper hair and eyes that bother me for some strange reason says, "You're looking better and better," I stare him down. "We had a lead on some guns, so me and my partner were pretty far out. That's when we saw you, wriggling in the road." I blink, but don't turn away. "You don't remember me, huh?" Silence. "Yeah, one of them rotters was eyeing your thighs when we showed up. But I got there first. Jacked that rotter up. I'm Gorman." I continue to stare. "When someone does you a favor, it's a courtesy to show some appreciation. Unless you want me to write down everything you're taking. Everything costs something, right?" I ignore him and take the tray, and walk away.

As I'm walking down the hall towards the Doctor's room, I hear Dawn barking orders. "We'll find Joan. Until then, you've got laundry duty and I want my uniform."

A boys voice joins in as they both say, "washed separately and pressed." Dawn stops talking, but the boys' voice says, "I know."

"Smart-ass," is Dawn's response.

I walk into the Doctor's room to the sound of real music, and he's sitting with his feet on a desk, flipping throuth a book, he sighs, "I used to feel like I was drowning in research. Now the oceans are dry," he slams the book closed, "and I'm suffocating in boredom. He throws the book across the room.

I stare at him and he points at a painting displayed next to his desk, "That's Junior Kimbrough. Do you like it?"

I glance at it, the imagry is nice. "I guess," I say, shrugging.

I then place his tray on his desk, and he looks at me, "Where's your food?"

"I am not eating anything from here. I can't owe you people anymore than I already do. I need to leave as soon as I can."

"Have you ever tried guinea pig?"

"No, I haven't." I respond.

"I didn't think so." He smiles, and gestures to the place in front of him, "Sit down." I hesitate, looking at him closely. "Dawn doesn't have to know. Come on." He reasures me, so I take a seat and he clears some of his books off his cluttered desk before cutting a peice of the guinea pig and offering me to take a bit off the fork. I grab the fork and try it. It's not half bad.

"Well?"

I shrug, not wanting to speak too much to anyone here. He laughs, "It's good enough for Peru."

He also takes a bite, and I look around his very cluttered room. Honestly, the place is a mess, but it's somehow also homey. The doctor gestures back to the painting, "It's a Caravaggio. I found it on the street outside the High. Like trash." He stands up, "It doesn't have a place anymore. Art isn't about survival. It's about transcendence. Being more than animals. Rising above." I listen to him talk about his art a while longer.

"We got a new one," A new police woman says.

They are pushing in a gourney with a man on top of it. A new male police officer adds, "Found his wallet. His name is Gavin Trevitt."

The woman continues, "Fell from a first floor apartment trying to get away from some."

The man walks past me to whisper in Dawn's ear as Dr. Edwards starts checking the man out, "He's lost a lot of blood and his vitals are dropping. I don't think he's gonna make it."

The male officer addresses Dawn out loud, "We've already given him gas-"

Dawn cuts him off, "I got this. You said you wanted to save people, so save him."

"I don't even know the extent of his injuries," Dr. edwards states, "Look, this one's a loser. You said you didn't want me wasting resources."

"Well, today I want you to try."

Dr. Edwards considers this for a moment before turning to me, "Okay, plug the EKG and the ultrasound into that battery pack, go."

I move and do as he says, and he says, "Good. Good, good, good. Now attach it to the patient."

I do so, and the moniter begins beeping, and as Dr. Edwards starts doing an Ultrasound on the guys chest, the beeping becomes loud and rapid.

"Tension pneumothorax. Punctured lung. Antionette, I need a large hollow needle in that cabinet." He goes to give me a set of keys, but Dawn intercepts them and opens the cabinet, grabbing the hollow needle and handing it to Dr. Edwards who stabs it into the mans chest, clearing his airway, I think? Whatever he's doing, it causes blood to squirt out throuth the needle.

The beeping on the machine slows and Dawn asks, "Is he gonna make it?"

"He fell from a building, Dawn."

"Is he going to make it?"

Dr. Edwards pulls open the mans lower shirt, "You see these bruises? He has internal bleeding, but I need a CAT scan to know how bad. And even if I could determine that, I don't have the tools to save him. I told you, this was a waste of resources."

Dawn turns around and slaps me, breaking open my stitches, and it takes every single ounce of self control not to punch her right back.

I tightly clench my jaw as Dawn says, "Steve, try to grasp the stakes here," she then walks out, slamming the door behind her.

We go to 'my room' to stitch my cheek back up despite my arguments to leave me alone.

When he finishes he says, "Noah left you a new shirt."

"I don't want a new shirt," I mumble, looking at the clean scrub top that matches the one I already have on.

"She likes things neat," Dr. Edwards states, pointing to the blood stain on my shirt.

"Shouldn't have slapped me. There wouldn't be any blood on my shirt if she hadn't."

He sighs, "I'll wait for you outside."

I change shirts, finding a lollipop inside of my new one. I stash it under my pillow before leaving the room to see two police people struggling with a woman who most definitely does not want to be here. She's wearing the same blue scrubs I'm in.

"Dawn needs you, now," the male officer states, so we rush in after them all.

"She's lucky we found her. Whatever you were thinking, it wasn't worth it. Okay, you have two choices. Either we cut off your arm or you do."

"Screw you and your little bitch!-"

"Smart-ass whore," Gorman states, moving towards the woman, but Dawn pushes him back, "Gorman, get out of here!"

Dr. Edwards approaches the woman, only to get kicked by her, Dawn holds her down as Dr. Edwards says, "It's anesthetic. You need it."

"Go to hell," is the woman's response.

"She made her choice," Dawn states. "Do it. Do it."

Dr. Edwards takes something out of his pocket, obviously he is going to use it as a tourniquet.

"No, no, no! I said leave me alone!"

"We're not going to let you die! We are not going to let you turn!"

I start to walk out the door.

"Where do you think you're going?" Dawn seethes.

"I don't want any part of this."

"Do you want her to die?"

"She wants to die, that's obvious."

"Help us save her."

"Antionette," Dr. Edwards states, "I need you to hold her down. Do it now," He sounds much calmer and kinder.

"Now."

I move forward and help hold down the poor sobbing woman.

"Keep your hands off me! I'm not going back to him!"

"You don't have to," Dawn reassures her.

"You can't control them!"

"I will."

"Antionette, you ready?" The doctor asks me, and I nod, helping hold down the woman who begins to struggle even harder, trying to thrash as she screams. Dr. Edwards saws off her entire lower arm. No remorse, I guess.

I go into the laundry room to get rid of my new set of bloodied uniform per Dawn's request.

"You okay?" A darker skinned boy asks, his hair is cut short and a kind smile is on his face, "I'm Noah. Of the Lollipop Guild."

"Antionette," I greet, shaking his hand. "Thanks for the sucker."

"Figured you could use a pick-me-up after this morning." I hand him my dirty uniform, and he says, "Guess I should have brought the whole jar." He hands me a new uniform saying, "Here, this should fit."

"Do you know why that curly haired woman left?" I ask. "I mean, how long did she really have left before she payed what was due here and got to leave without them dragging her back?"

Noah shakes his head, "I haven't seen it work like that yet."

"What do you mean, how long you been here?"

"I guess about a year. Dad and I were both pretty messed up when they found us. They said that they could only save one. For the longest time, I actually believed them. Now I get it. Dad was bigger, stronger. Would have fought back. Would have been a threat."

I frown, "They let your dad die?"

"And Dawn just looked the other way. See, she's in charge, but just barely. And it's getting worse. It's why I'm out of here when the time is right. I came looking for my uncle. Gotta get back to my mom."

"Where is she at?" I ask, kindly.

"Richmond. Virginia. We had walls. See, they think I'm scrawny. They think I'm weak. But they don't know shit about me. About what I am. About what you are."

"You don't know me. But I need to go find my son, so I understand what you mean."

"You have a son?" I nod. "How old?"

"Just over ten now."

I'm doing some work for Dr. Edwards, currently pouring bleach into a tin bucket, when Dawn walks in behind me.

"Shepherd, you've already pulled a double. I got it from here."

I tense my muscles as she orders away her officer, leaving us alone and without witnesses.

"Yes, ma'am. Thanks."

I hear Dawn approach me and turn to see her holding a tray of food as she says, "I know you didn't have breakfast. Peace treaty?"

"I'll eat when I get out."

Dawn sits on a red container and pats the one next to her. I stay standing and just look at her, "You know, you shouldn't see this as a sentence. I'm giving you food, clothes, protection. When have those things ever been free?"

I look at her, "I know how to hunt for food, I have no problem with messy clothes, and hand me my pocket knife back, and I wouldn't need your protection, either."

"But you did need it." I glare at her, unamused. "Try to look at the good we're doing. Hard as it was, we saved Joan's life. Trevitt's life. We saved your life. I'm keeping all of us going here. That is not a small thing. It's taken a lot to get us here, Antionette. And I believe that what we had before all of this isn't over. And when we're finally rescued, when this nightmare ends, we're gonna need to rebuild."

"You seriously think someone's coming? After all this time, seriously?"

"There's still people like us, Antionette." She snaps, "People trying to keep the world alive, to fix it. Until then, we all have to contribute. To compromise. If we take, we give back. It's only fair. So keep working off what you owe and you'll be out of here in no time. If that's what you want."

"I think I made it clear that's what I'll be doing."

"Well, then you have to eat. Otherwise, you'll get weak. You won't heal, you'll require more treatment, and you won't be able to do your job."

"You could let me go out and hunt. I'll catch and eat my own food."

"We don't leave if it's not a necessity. I know you didn't ask for this. I didn't either." I stare her down, and she gives a hefty sigh, before getting up and walking out.

I was asked to clean the blood from the floor of the now one handed woman's room, I mop the floors whilst quietly singing,

"I'm only human and I bleed when I fall down, I'm only human and I crash and I break down. You're words in my head, knifes in my heart, you build me up then I fall apart, I'm only human..."

"Hmm. That's really nice"

I look at Joann, who is now awake and looking at me, "Do you want me to go get Dr. Edwards?"

"No, please. Not yet."

"I'm sorry I helped them..." I tell her.

"She can control them. But she doesn't because it's easier. Because she's a coward."

"How bad did Gorman hurt you?" I ask, softly.

She shakes her head, "It doesn't matter. I guess it's easy to make a deal with the devil when you're not the one paying the price."

Back in my room I look underneath my pillow to try to find that lollipop Noah had given me.

"Lose something?" Gorman's voice asks from my doorway. He pulls the sucker from his pocket and unwraps it, "This is yours, ain't it?" He puts it in his mouth. "Mmm." He pops it back out of his mouth, "Sour apple. Like the kind Dawn acquired from pediatrics." He steps closer to me, but I hold my ground. "Suppose you could have a taste. See if it rings any bells."

"I don't want it," I say, as calmly as I can.

"Oh, come on, now." He puts the sucker on my lips, "I just want to be sure I'm returning this to its rightful owner." He tries forcing it into my mouth, so I slap him, hard across the face with my casted arm.

He steps back a hand holding his cheek as he looks at me with blood boiling anger behind his devilish eyes.

He takes a threatening step towards me when we both hear Dr. Edwards voice from the door, "Leave her alone."

"The girl should have been mine."

"Nobody's yours, Gorman. Nobody. And if you think you're getting Joan back-"

"Oh, I'm gonna get her back." He turns to face Dr. Edward, and asks, "You think Dawn's gonna stop me?"

"I will."

"You stepping up, Doc?" Gorman takes a step towards Dr. Edwards.

"What happens when you get sick, Gorman? When you get an infection? When you get bit?"

"Hmm. I think there's gonna be somebody. Somebody who ain't you."

Dawn approaches the scene with another police dude, Dawn says, "Gorman." With a warning tone to her voice.

"And maybe somebody in charge who ain't her." He says, putting the sucker back in his mouth as he backs back out of the room, Dawn leaving with him.

I look at Dr. Edwards, "What the hell is his problem?"

"Come on, let me tell you a story."

We go onto the roof, looking out into a broken down Atlanta.

"When everything started, Dawn reported to a guy named Hanson. They had orders to clear the hospital and move everyone to Butler Park. It was close to midnight when we heard the jets, the bombs. The screams. I was on the third floor. Dawn and Hanson's teams were doing a final sweep. And we knew it was bad. Just didn't know how bad till we came up here. The city had fallen. And everyone we evacuated they were just gone. We kept mostly to ourselves at first. Till the food ran out. We started going out on runs, a few of us at a time. We'd see people who needed help. Barely holding on. But we were barely holding on ourselves. Came a time I couldn't look away anymore. I found this kid. Napalm burns on his clothes, his skin. Dawn said we couldn't spare the resources. So we struck a deal. I'd use what I could to heal him and he'd compensate us for those resources through service. Now-"

"You're not at fault for what she's turned this into."

"We lost some people, that's what's at fault. Hanson cracked. He made some calls that got people killed. Dawn took care of things. She took care of him. She saw us past it. Kept us together. Kept us alive."

"How is this living?" I ask, watching him pace.

He chuckles darkly, "We're still breathing. Patients we brought here, they're still breathing. Outside these walls, alone, unprotected, they'd be dead. We'd be dead. We're not the ones who make it. As bad as it gets, it's still better than down there."

"You're wrong. I am one of the one's who will make it. I need to get back to work."

"How about you look in on Mr. Trevitt and call it a day?"

"Alright, I guess."

"He's stable, due for another 75mg of Clozapine. And tomorrow we'll start fresh."

I walk away, and go prepare the Clozapine, crush it to dust, liquify it and then insert it into the man's arm.

"Still at it, huh?" Noah asks, startling me.

"Yeah," I agree, giving a heavy sigh before all the machines start beeping rapidly, and Mr. Trevitt starts seizing, my heart stops, "Fuck!"

Dawn stabs the now dead Mr. Trevitt in the head then rounds on me, "What did you do to him?"

"I didn't do anything," I reply, coldly.

"He was fine until the two of you were alone with him. Something happened. I want you to tell me."

"It was an accident," Noah starts and I look at him, "Antionette left to get some gauze. I was mopping. I must have unplugged the ventilator somehow. It only stopped for a minute."

"That isn-"

Noah cuts me off, "I got it working again."

"Take him to my office," Dawn orders.

Gorman pulls Noah's arm and drags him out of the room.

Dr. Edwards steps forward, "Dawn, it was an accident." Dawn storms out of the room. "It was an accident," Dr. Edwards repeats.

"Noah lied, Mr. Trivett started seizing. It killed him."

"Seizing? Well, you gave him Clonazepam, right?"

"Clonazepam? You didn't say Conazepam. You'd said Clozapine."

"No, I didn't."

"Yes, you did."

I hear Noah yell, "Please!" from down the hall and go to rush to his side, to tell Dawn the truth; but Dr. Edwards stops me, "Antionette, we need to deal with Mr. Trevitt while he's still warm."

"You deal with Mr. Trevitt, but I have to stop her!" I snap, as I hear Noah continuing to plead, "Please, stop Please!"

"We can't- you can't stop it."

I pull my bedding up on my bed, wondering how in the hell I ended up here? I'd give almost anything to be back out in the world of the dead then to have to deal with this places weird ass politics. This places crooked people.

Dawn comes in, closing my door behind her. "You really think I didn't know?" I stare at her. "Noah's smart. Probably my best worker. But that story he told about the ventilator? Boy's not much of a liar."

"So you, what? Beat him for the hell of it?"

"I didn't want to. I had to. A good man's mistakes almost ended everything for us, and I'll be damned if I'm gonna let that happen again. Every sacrifice we make needs to be for the greater good. The second it isn't, the second we lose sight of that, it's all over. The thing is, you're not the greater good. You're not strong enough."

"I'm plenty strong."

"How many people had to risk their lives to save you? In here, you are part of a system. The wards keep my officers happy. The happier my officers are, the harder they work to keep us going. And this hasn't been easy. There have been compromises, but it's working. And after they rescue us, we're gonna help put the world back together. Because we're the ones holding on. That's the good we're doing here. That's the good you're doing here. That's what makes you worth something. But out there you are nothing. Except dead or somebody's burden."

"You're wrong." I say, glaring at her.

"Oh, yeah? Some people just aren't meant for this life, and that's okay."

"I was literally raised for this life. My siblings and I called our childhood home the Zombie Bootcamp. When the world fell to shit, I single handedly kept not only myself alive, but my husband and two boys as well."

"And where are they now?"

I take a step back.

"Like I said, some people aren't meant for this, and as long as they don't take advantage of the ones who are, it's okay." She leaves the room, closing the door behind her.

I find Noah and see his eye already blackened and swollen.

"Oh my god," I whisper.

"It's not as bad as it looks. I'm okay. Watch," he flicks his bruise, "Painkillers. It barely even hurts. Dawn needed Trevitt for something. I know that's what that was about. Screwed-up thing is, she's trapped, too."

"We aren't trapped. I'm getting us out of here."

"Basement's the fastest way out. Any noise and we got rotters."

"Easy fix, we stay quiet."

"I can keep an eye on Dawn. She keeps a spare key to the elevator banks somewhere in her office. Think you can find it?"

"Hell yeah, I can."

I wait and watch for Noah's signal, and as soon as I get it I quickly and quietly make my way to Dawn's office.

I first search her filing cabinet; but only find the wallet to Mr. Trivett, my curiousity get's the best of me, and when I look inside, I see that he was a doctor. Things start falling into place in my head.

I move to the desk to see Joann, dead on the floor. Suicide.

I start rummaging through the desk, break open her bottom drawer and take the key right as Gorman opens the door, "Hey there. I hope I'm not interrupting," he closes the office door behind him.

"Dawn asked me to fetch her key for her," I say, holding it up for him to see.

"Did she, now? See, I was just with Dawn and I don't seem to remember that." He steps in front of me, enclosing me between him and the desk, "It's okay. Maybe she doesn't have to know. Maybe there's another solution. You know? A little win-win for both of us." He sniffs my hair and I try to pull away from him, noticing Joann's hand move. She's becoming reanimated. "So how about it, Annie? We gonna work something out here?" I close my eyes and nod; ready for Joann to get up and eat this son of a bitch. "Good girl. Now, Joan, she's not such a team player. Lucky for me you're not being a fighter." His hand goes up my shirt and I immediately bash his head with the jar of suckers, he falls right onto Joann, who in turn immediately attacks Gorman. Good, one less douchebag to deal with. I grab his gun off him and stuff it into my pants before walking towards Noah.

Dawn stops me by saying my name, "Everything okay?"

I nod then say, "Hey, I think Gorman was trying to speak to you, said he'd be in your office."

"Thank you, Antionette." I nod.

Noah and I start rushing towards the elevators, I tie some bedsheets to the edge and Noah asks, "Ready?"

I nod, beginning to tie him in the sheets. "I'll come down after you, alright?"

"Okay."

I gently lower him down and then toss the rest of the towels and bedsheets over, ready to lover myself down. But one of the dead jump out at me from one of the floors and I fall, my landing cushioned by the stinky unanimated dead people that have been thrown down here.

Noah holds the flashlight and I hold my new gun. When Noah is grabbed by one of the reanimated dead, I start shooting them all, every one of them in the head as I continue to push both Noah and myself towards freedom. Once we're out in the daylight, I take off, the dead blocking off our exit; so I go to the side; a hole on the fence allowing us an escape route. I try to keep my pace slow enough that I can help Noah get out, but that's when I get surrounded by the dead. I keep fighting my way to freedom, when someone jumps on me and pins me to the ground, I struggle until I see that Noah has made it to safety and that its one of the living now currently handcuffing me. I completely relax, letting the man pull me painfully up and then back inside.

"Who the hell do you think you are?"

"Does it matter?" We are in Dawn's office with the two dead bodies. "Why do you let this shit happen?" I ask, gesturing to the dead bodies. "Why did it take her comitting suicide for her to be free from him? You knew it was happening, and you didn't do jack shit to stop it."

"So that we make it."

"Why? So your imaginary rescue team can save you? No one is coming! There isn't any magical helicopters coming to rebuild the new world. This is it!"

She doesn't answer me, just takes the broken picture frame to hit me over my head.

I sit in a chair in Dr. Edwards room as he checks my healing process to my forehead. "You're healing quickly. Should be ready to jump back into it in a couple more days." He stands up and says, "Well, that should about do it."

"You told me the wrong medicine to give Dr. Trevitt. Was it because he was also a doctor?"

"Trevitt was an oncologist at St. Ignatius. I knew him. They would have kicked me out. Maybe Gorman, maybe he would have killed me. I didn't have a choice." I shake my head, disappointed in the man who could have been good.

Dr. Edwards continues, "When they arrested Christ, Peter denied being one of his disciples. He didn't have a choice. They would have crucified him, too."

Later that same day, the new person they bring in is Carol! Daryl's best friend. She's alive; which means others did survive the Prison.

#daryl dixon #daryl dixon fanfiction #the walking dead #the walking dead fanfiction #season 5 #chapter 11

[sarenityjames]

Life Changing Part 1

@GrumpRen and @Sarenemelody

Ren: *Falling asleep and straight into a nightmare, bringing me back to being deployed into Iraq. The nightmare was so damn real that I was feeling the heat of the sun and the fact I could hear the sounds of an IED going off in the distance.

We were in the so called green zone from all the shots being fired and bombs that were going off. I couldn't help but laugh at the fucking mess we were in. It's not like any one at home would see this shit we put up with unless it's something to paint us in the light badly.

Yeah, as soldiers we knew what was being said about us. Our families would write to us, letting us know what was going on at home and that there were protests going on about us being here.

We had an air raid siren going off, which pulled me from my thoughts and had me running to the bunker that was not far from where I was. I already had pulled my NBC mask on and had my weapon over my head and strapped to my back. My ass would be handed to me by my CO if I didn't bring it with, hell anyone of us would have our asses handed to us for leaving it in our bunks.

I was almost to the bunker when a explosion went off not far from me and it had me flipping through the air. I landed with a hard and resounding oomph on my back and the wind being knocked out of me. I couldn't help but pull the gas mask off and tried to get a good breath.

I wasn't even paying attention to the pain I was having in my leg because my biggest concern was breathing and it felt like i was going to suffocate. My ears were ringing like fucking crazy and I tried to shake that off.

Once I was finally able to breathe somewhat normally, I tried to get up but a couple of my battle buddies came running over as well as some of the medics to check on those of us who didn't make it into the bunker in time. I could barely hear what they were saying but knew they were still not letting me get up. I took a look around at the others laying on the ground around me. I could see #Ramirez on the ground and I could tell he was bad. I pushed the medic away from me and tried to go to him because we went through basic together as well as AIT. He has become my brother and I couldn't lose him. The second I stood up, I went straight back down to the ground. The pain was really bad but I knew it was nothing compared to what #Ramirez was going through. My hearing started to get a little better and I could hear the medic telling me that he was getting the care he needed and that I would only get in the way. I laid back down and let them take care of my leg, which happened to be broken as well as it having shrapnel in it. They put me on a stretcher after they put an IV in my arm and put me in the ambulance to take me to the hospital on base. I also knew that they took #Ramirez right away before they brought me to the hospital. He happened to be in the Bay next to mine as I heard them trying to work on him. Once I heard the words that he was gone, I sat up in my bed and screamed out loud because my /brother/ was gone.

I woke myself screaming, sweaty and shaking as I remembered #Ramirez. He was my brother in arms, my battle buddy and my best friend. Scrubbing my hands over my face and standing up in the room and forgetting that @sarenemelody wasn't even here to help me deal with this, this time. We quietly decided stay away from each other after this last argument. This shit sucked and I hated my nightmares that brought me back to that damn sandbox when #Ramirez died.*

Sarenity:  *It happened again, I was busy working getting everything ready for the cake that needed to go out today. I was there busy and focused on it adding finishing touches, pipe bag in hand as I was adding a string of what would be pearl like once done. I closed my eyes to blink and the next thing I was aware of I was sitting in my office with a cloth pressed against the back of my neck. I was getting lectured even though the words they were saying wasn't clear just yet. I blacked out, there was no denying it now. Or hiding it from anyone.

The first time I was thankfully alone, at home. Ren was due to be home a short time after I woke and the bruise I got from hitting the table was evident that night. Hiding it, as well as the soreness was far more difficult than I expected. I stayed dressed that night and for the next several days I simply told Ren that I had hit a table (half truth) because I had been distracted. Not wanting to talk about it and I thought that it was just a fluke thing. Which ended up straining things with Ren and I, I didn't want to talk about what was sitting in the back of my mind when though he knew there was something. But I appreciated the fact he never once said if he already knew and was waiting for me to come to him. I didn't obviously, which only made things worse. Yeah I should have told him but I could not change the past either.

Something was wrong. After the first time I put it off as stress. I adjusted my hours, and how much work I was willing to take on personally. But this showed me it wasn't stress. Something was wrong, and fucking hell I did not want to go to the drs first of all. Add in the fact that meant admitting that there was something wrong, and while I may have been living a healthy life...my family and their genetics caught up to me. There were too many things that ran on just my moms side alone. Fear ran through me and whoever was still in the room with me I waved them away. I straightened up as the door closed and I felt the sigh as it ran through me. This was not what I needed, or wanted for that matter. Things were....well not everything was going right, but I had a grasp on things. I reached over for my phone, the screen lightening up but I sat it down before I could even unlock the screen. I had given my word to keep with the space he wanted, it hurt like a bitch but it was my own doing. Having ignored the attempts he had made to talk to me, to get me to open up. I knew he would never pry and take a look himself to get the answers.* He could help, he would want to help. *Talking to myself I tried to decide what I would do,* The last message was on still on sent, I doubt he would check. Hell I bet I am muted. *That made my choice, even if I did go get checked out I wouldn't breathe a word to anyone. This would be what I was going to do, that is until Ramone burst into the office to continue going off on me more. I didn't even realize he was there at work today, and that alone says plenty. Did I not notice him, or did someone happen to call and rat me out to my assistant? Ugh. Hell I hadn't told anyone about Ren and I fighting and subsequently us not staying together and I doubted either of us was staying in the house. [Come on either I take you to Ren or I take you to the hospital.] Fuck me nothing was going right here, hasn't been in some time and that was my problem. [Don't think about trying to take yourself anywhere either. Two times in a month Sarenity! You need to do something about this.] My eyes widened, having forgotten I had told him about the first time I blacked out because he had seen the bruise as it healed during an event. He thought Ren had been the cause which was laughable.

I straightened up a bit as he leaned close and whispered [You are pregnant aren't you??] My jaw dropped and I shook my head, hiding the way it made me dizzy.* Come on Ramone, we've been careful. There's no way at all. *Was there? I didn't ask that one to anyone other than myself.* Look I will just stay in here, work on paperwork while ya'll take care of everything else. Ok? *It was not what he was wanting to hear but I did not care. But I wasn't leaving. I had no one to go home to. Hell I didn't want to admit aloud that I was confused and scared.* Ramone I promise tomorrow I'll not come in and get checked out okay? *That thankfully seemed to calm him down, but not until a full minute of him glaring continued. Silently telling myself Ren probably wouldn't be happy at all that Ramone was looking after me, because if it wasn't for the fact I had to focus on work my own self hate would have kicked in long ago. That would be letting my past, my past that was before Ren came along, and win. But now Ramone also had me thinking about something I never thought about. Was that even going to be possible? What the hell was I going to do if it was true?*

Sarenity:  *I spent the day off in bed. Being lazy and resting as much as I could. I only received one phone call, it was the company I had been planning to go to take care of the wedding for Ren and I. Yes I could do it, but I didn't want to. I wanted to be able to enjoy the things a bride was supposed to. It was a knife to the heart having to tell them I didn't know when I'd be able to reschedule the appointment that was supposed to be tomorrow. That had me hiding under the hotel blanket for over an hour as I let tears that needed to fall fall. I didn't know all the answers and nor did I really want to know what was going on with me? My phone stayed on silent, because I knew no one from work would be calling me. They would be busy with the delivery and set up and there was nothing else for them to go. So I over indulged in ice cream and took a bath. Letting the tub fill now than needed and let everything up until my nose slide under. Depression was hitting me harder then ever, I didn't have my one person I could count on to pull me back from it. What the hell was I doing? Raising my hand out of the water I reached for my phone, turning the music down before calling @GrumpRen it only made it to the second ring before I hung up. Chickening out of hearing his voice. That brought a fresh wave of tears. I needed him more right now but I had to deal with this. A few hours later when the water got cold I drained it and got out. Not even thinking about food the rest of the day.

Returning to work I lied and told Ramone I was fine but would know more later. Which was a line drs used so many times when they do bloodwork. I wanted to believe I was ok and that nothing was going wrong. I did an at home pregnancy test and it was negative, I wasn't pregnant. Honestly I did feel let down because apparently it would explain a lot with how I was feeling. Ramone gave me a hug as I told him that wasn't the case, guess he had hoped for Ren and I to have a little one. Just like everyone else I think. He still made me stay in the office, focusing on phone calls, paperwork, being the boss like I barely do. I was still wanting to be hands on, so I sketched. Everything from baby showers, birthdays, graduation, holidays, bridal showers, bachelorette and bachelor parties, hell even weddings. Time flew by as I did such. They weren't for anyone in particular so they stayed in my office. In a file I kept for solely myself unless a client made me think about the design. The day came to a close with my lunch that was brought to me still sitting there in the desk. I pushed it into the trash before I went to leave. Last thing I needed was a lecture, again. How was it my fault that I wasn't feeling hungry? Otherwise you could say I felt ‘fine’ it at least looked it on the outside. I ducked out while the others were busy cleaning. Knowing they could handle everything. I wouldn't have hired them otherwise. Tonight I'd head back to the house, it had been empty since we both left it. I needed to feel connected to something, and this was the only thing I could think of. I was ruining everything else in my life, I wondered if moving out of here would have to be next. If we couldn't fix things….. My heart tightened at that so I pushed it away. I didn't even really know why I was here, not with it being quiet, empty, no one else here at all. I needed clothes, that was the main reason I was there. I couldn't bring myself to stay any longer than I needed to. Without him it didn't feel like home, I had to go into the bedroom and even that I was not looking forward to. But I moved to the stairs planning on getting this over with.*

Son of a bitch. *I grumbled and worked on opening my eyes, something that was proving to be difficult. I was on the floor and this time I was hurting more than what I did from the first time I blacked out. Was I bleeding? I felt something warm under me and I had no idea what it was. I had been going up the stairs, oh god I fucking fell! I needed to move but was too scared to do such. So as I laid there panicking thinking that I was just gonna end up staying there dying. That would be what he would see when he decided to come back. In a way that was a cruel twist of Fate. I could hear buzzing...holy hell my phone survived the fall! Taking the chance I moved my arm to reach for it, dig it out of my pocket.* Fuck. *My screen was shattered, I couldn't find the answer button. Whoever it was I couldn't tell them what happened, or where I was. I started crying again and that brought the pain in my ribs to the forefront of my mind. I shifted and yelled, damnit I had done a number and I ended up blacking out again, this time because of the pain.*

[Sarenity, Sarenity, you silly girl open up your eyes!]

Let me sleep

“Sarenity listen to them, open your eyes.” *I grumbled and moved my head away. Or attempted such. One voice I recognized the other I didn't.* Leave me alone Ramone. *I went to move and felt pain hitting me all at once again.* What the hell? [Sweetie stop trying to move, let them help you.] *I frowned or thought I did.* “We are taking you to the hospital now, is there anyone we need to call?” *I didn't know how to answer but Ramone beat me to responding.* [Already on it, I'm calling him now.] *I couldn't answer because as Ramone moved to make the phone call to Ren they raised me for the stretcher and had me crying out and I realized then there was at least one broken bone. I gave in easily enough as the darkness crept in on me. Not even hearing what was spoken by the medics, or Ramones frantic sounding self as he finally got ahold of @GrumpRen*

Sarenity: *I came to with the sounds of both male and females around me, the air was cold and I shivered hard. That had me crying out as I felt everything that was wrong with my body hitting me all at once.* “She’s not supposed to be awake yet, why isn’t this in the file?!” “Well we can take the chance to ask her about her history, she has no chart, no file!” *I opened my eyes to see the three people in the room with me, I wanted to just go home but I knew I couldn’t yet. I was confused though, why would I have this many drs around me? The last thing I saw was the guys eyes widen as my own drifted closed.* “Page the surgeon we need to get moving!” *Damn that can’t possibly be good. I heard words I was unfamiliar with, Ectopic being one, something about blood loss, and they couldn’t wait any longer. With that I felt myself falling back under.

*There was a beeping going off, and I grumbled at the alarm.* Shut it off already. *I turned my head and went to roll over to find the warmth I was so used to having beside me. However I was unable to roll over.* Damnit I thought we agreed, no more of this when asleep. *I hadn’t opened my eyes yet, but the beeping was still going, I tugged my leg and a sharp stab of pain throughout the whole leg greeted me.* FUCK! *My eyes shot open I was alone, as per usual, not at home this time, nor the hotel. I was at the hospital and first thing that I wanted to do was get up and out of here. Even Ramone had left me, not that I could fault him. He has his own life, his husband. I was just his boss. A new wave of desperation ran through me, shaking my head once realizing how low things had gotten for me. I hoped like hell that the hospital didn’t call my family, we were still not on speaking terms.

A knock sounded, the thought to tell them to go away came. Hell I even opened my mouth to say it but they opened the door anyways. When I turned to look at them was when I saw the predicament I was in. My right thigh was in a cast past my knee and my left hand was in a sling, the skin looking very purple. Oh hell, I didn’t try to move it. I was currently too scared to. My heart began racing and before the dr could get close I had an alarm going off behind me.* “Ma’am, Miss James you got to breathe for me, take as deep of a breath as you can then slowly let it out.” *The female came closer as she spoke, my gaze staying on her as I did what was asked of me. I didn’t feel better, if only it made me feel worse.* “We need you to not go into a panic attack it won’t be good for you.” To hell with you and your telling me to calm down! *She reached out, something I wasn’t too keen on, to touch my wrist as she continued to try and soothe me. “Don’t worry, you’re safe here. Whoever did this to you wont be able to find you.” *Oh hell was this woman that stupid?!?* Look no one did this, I blacked out and apparently fell down the stairs. Not the first time I blacked out either. I got used to it. *Now tell my why her blank face showed shock there.* Don’t worry no one other than my assistant may come here for me. *That was the truth, I did not know if Ramone had gotten ahold of Ren and how well that conversation went. Scratch that, if Ren wanted to be here, he would. This hospital and their ‘security’ measures would not keep him from me.

With the dr there I learned quite a few things. One I had managed to break my femur, nicking the artery there. I was lucky Ramone found me for that alone. Two was that I had shattered a few bones in my left wrist, hence the coloring as well as the plates and screws that were going to be added in the next few days. This was a moment I really wished @GrumpRen would walk through the door because I would be able to leave, he would help me on this, and I wouldn’t need a second surgery. Possibly a third one later as well. The third and most shocking out of all this would be the reason behind my blackouts. I had what would be a tubal pregnancy with signs already showing of it not surviving. I did not know what to say to that. I was already under the impression that I could not conceive because of the attempts to remove several large cysts on my ovaries when I was a teen. Now it seemed that it happened but it was only a matter of time before it would end. I did not know how to feel about it, after years of resigning myself to never having a child, I was given a chance and my body fucked it up.

I was left alone, the dr going to make the rest of their rounds and set up for me to meet with a counselor and quite possibly a therapist. I was able to hold off my emotions until the door closed again. My body hurt, my heart doubly so. Now all I wanted was to crawl into a hole so deep no one could sense me. I did not think I could have felt any worse when Ren left me, but this just showed me how wrong I was. I had to prepare myself mentally to the loss. All I did though was lay there, tears falling silently, knowing that here shortly they would probably be coming to knock me back out. It was the only way to keep me calm, and so they could prep me for the repairs needed for my hand. As I expected the monitor behind me began going off and two of them came into the room. Nothing about this was normal or right, this wasn’t supposed to be how I was to live. I let myself go under with the meds they brought me. Right now I did not want to feel anything and thankfully that was what I got. A small reprieve from everything going on, when I would wake, I would have a new level of hell to add into the countdown that was pushed on me.*

Ren: *I was packing my bag back up as I prepared to head back home....well not home, home but to a hotel close to home. Yeah, the argument we've head was still fresh in my mind and I was ignoring her texts she has been sending me. Of course I fucking missed her but the fact remains she was still not being open with me like we agreed to be with everything. Hell she even has the code to my phone to check my messages if she wanted and I don't have the same trust from her with her stuff. It irritated me but yet I was trusting her at the same time. I reached for the bottle of Tondarion Fire I got that she asked me to get while we were having no issues and yeah, I could've been an ass and not asked for it but I got the bottle and an extra one for me. Sighing as I packed it up and received a call from one of the guys. Answering it without hesitation, he was asking when I was going to be by to see him.* I'll be by next week sometime to see you and the others. *I could hear the beep telling me another call was coming in, I took a look and frowned as I seen it was @sarenemelody but I was busy with this call so I ignored it but it stopped a lot sooner than normal. So I figured she must've butt dialed me because she hadn't called before just text messages. Shrugging my shoulder as I continued my conversation and the male was satisfied with my answer and was just wondering when I'd be by to see them. That it wasn't anything important. I hung my phone up and put it in my pocket as I closed up my bag then picked it up and left the hotel keys in the room. It didn't take me long to get down to the lobby and let the front desk know I left the keys upstairs  in the room and I was checking out. I went to the Valet to get my car called up for me. I was going to enjoy this drive since it was just me and my music. Normally I'd travel quickly to get home but I wasn't in a hurry since I wasn't going home to Sare like I would normally besides this was a short drive anyway. Leaning against the wall out in front of the hotel as I wait for my car to show up. I had this female approach me and I moved away, trying to ignore her. She apparently didn't take the hint I wasn't interested in what she was "selling" to me. "I noticed you aren't wearing a ring on your finger and you look like you could use some fun." Snorting as I shook my head and moved yet again from her* You aren't something I want. * She wasn't listening to a word I said as she moved close enough so she could reach down and cup me through my jeans. I couldn't help but suck in a breath but I reached down and took her hands off me.* I told you, you aren't even close to anything I want. *I was glad to see my car pull up and I moved toward it as I seen the hotel security approaching the female and telling her she wasn't supposed to be on property. I just shook my head and gave the valet a tip before putting my bag into back seat. Then jumping into the driver seat and putting my music on. Putting the car into drive as I decided to take my time going home.  As it stood I was only a few hours from home but I wasn't wanting to be so close at the moment, so I decided to head to a casino that wasn't too far either but it would give me the opportunity to waste time since I was done with work for the week until I needed to travel to see the guys down south. I had my music blaring and I had this sick feeling in my stomach that something was wrong but I couldn't pin point it. I haven't been able to control the powers completely just yet and I had Thrāix working with me on them. The one I was having issues with was the seeing the future bit. I had so much flipping through my mind, it didn't make sense to me. He told me to ignore it unless I got a sick feeling along with but you don't always get the what it is until too late. Because it wasn't always set in stone, it could always change because of ones actions. I ignored the feeling as I drove for a couple hours closer to home but went to the casino and hotel instead. I drove to the hotel side and pulled up to the Valet and grabbed my bag out. I gave the Valet my keys as I went into the hotel and up to the front desk. It didn't take long to get my room since I wasn't picky and I just wanted to relax. The past couple of weeks I kept myself busy as hell working and making sure the guys were all good. Of course I had Thrāix and Dagger giving me shit but what do you expect from a couple of assholes. Laughing to myself as I went into my room and thought about the shit I did while I visited the guys and took care of what I need to. Pulling my shirt off over my head and kicking my shoes off as I moved towards the bed. I didn't get any sleep last night since I got to my room about 3 am, it took me a while to wind down and didn't fall asleep until about 730. So yeah I was tired as fuck and this is good. I just dropped onto the bed closest to me and fell asleep. I had my alarm set to go off about 8 am the next day. Once I heard it go off, I sat up and scrubbed my hands over my face, yawning. Running my hand over my head as I stood up and went to the bathroom. I jumped into the shower and came back out with a towel around my hips once I was finished. Sitting back down on the bed I pulled my bag close to me, pulled out a jeans and t-shirt and put them on. First thing I needed to do was go eat since I slept through dinner. I could hear my stomach growling, so I got up and dug into my other pants for my wallet. I just went to get some food from the grill and sat at a table as I inhaled my food. Yeah maybe I should take my time to eat but I was hungry as hell. I spent rest of the day gambling and I wasn't exactly losing but I wasn't winning either. I guess you could say I was keeping even but I was having fun and it's been a while since I've had such. I finally decide to get up and head back to my room. I took a look at the time and couldn't help but laugh cause it was now 4pm and who knew gambling would make time fly. I came out ahead with $100 and wasn't about to complain. I figured I'd just order room service for dinner. Once in my room I went to the desk with the room service menu and decided I was just going to get a large meat lovers pizza. I called it up and ordered. They said it was going to be a half hour before it got here. I kicked my shoes back off and took my shirt off again as I moved to turn the AC on because I was hot. Just over a half hour went by and I heard a knock on the door, I got up and had my money in hand as I got my pizza from the kid delivering it to me. I barely sat down as my phone went off. I picked it up and saw Ramone's name come across the caller ID. I ignored it and started to eat my pizza but my phone rang again. It was Ramone's name yet again, this fucker has no reason to be calling me. I side barred his call yet again and continued to eat my pizza and was happy to see the fact  the delivery kid remembered I liked Dr Pepper with my pizza. I went to grab a cup and poured myself some. I sat back down and barely picked up my pizza when my phone went off again. Growling I picked it up this time and answered as I saw it was Ramone's number yet again.* What the fuck do you want Ramone? I don't have time for your......* I trailed off as he had the nerve to cut me off as he started rambling about @sarenemelody falling down the stairs at the house. She's blacked out at work and he's tried to get her to go to the doctor's yesterday. He said he had the suspicion that she didn't go, so he followed her home and it was long after she went in the house. He knows I wouldn't be happy to hear this but since I've left she gave him a spare key to check on things and he used it to get in the house as he heard her screaming. He thought someone was in the house and attacking her. He also let me know, he knew it wasn't me since he's never seen me do anything to hurt her other than walking away like I did and that he knew I was away for work. I let him know I was only a couple of hours away and I'd be there soon. I asked him to stay with her at the hospital and call me again with more information. He then told me to expect the worse, he thought she may have broke her leg and something else cause she looked bad. I let him know I appreciated his call and I'd be in touch soon. Once I hung up the phone I turned around and punched the bed a few times with my anger at myself, at her and at all of it. I made quick work of putting my shirt and shoes back on. Packed my stuff back up and grabbed my pizza and Dr Pepper. I'd eat on the way home. I had to get back to her, no matter what happened between us, she didn't need to be alone. My Bluetooth was connected to the car and I called Ramone back because I forgot to make sure his dumb ass didn't call her family. She didn't and wouldn't want them to be called for her. Once he answered I didn't even give him a chance to say hi. "Hey asshole, you didn't call her family did you?" I waited for a bit before he replied with a no because she's told him about the fall out with them. "Alright, which hospital did they take her to?" He told me where they took her and that he was on his way there. I was on the road for what seemed like hours and it wasn't even that long of a drive. I had to go see @sarenemelody and heal what I can for her.*

Sarenity: *It was a nightmare I wanted to wake from. My parents were there, so was my brother. Back to remind me that once again just how little I meant to the world. How I’d never amount to anything, forever needing them. At first as I grew up I believed them, that I needed them. How it was what they tricked me into believing was how it was supposed to be, even to the point of being happy when my mother went with me to college. She seemed so supportive, working towards the same degrees I was going for. We were to be a team running the shop that I wanted so hard to open. But when she fell short and I continued to thrive it was obvious that things would not be ending well. It was when I graduated I decided to do a clean break. Even with their words having made the damage, I second guessed myself as I moved several states away. Even changed my name to one that they would not connect with me. It was how Sarenity James came to be. Now they were in the hospital room laughing at me and what was going on. Basically kicking me while I was down once again. How did they ever find me? I couldn’t get away from them this time and that made my depression gather.

I woke god knows how long later, back in the empty hospital room. I should have expected it to be this way, nothing, anything. The only sounds in the room was my breathing, and the monitors going on behind me. There was a stronger than normal dull ache going on in my chest and in this moment I wished that I had not woken up yet. Feeling that I was just going to be stuck alone. I had forgotten about my left hand, the surgery, and the fact that trying to clench my fist would result in a fresh wave of tears. I was desperate and feeling everything I had worked so hard to move past. I could hear the chatter out in the hall and as long as my heart didn't begin racing it looked like I would be left alone. Wasn't that what I wanted, wasn't it what I needed, or deserved for that matter? I without realizing it pushed Ren away, to the point he left. I hadn't seen Ramone since before I got to the hospital, and now I was stuck in this damn bed. The beeping started slow and I couldn't help it. Sobbing again this time as the depression I managed to fight for so long crashed down on me beating me down to where if I could move I was certain I'd start yanking lines out.* Fucking hell. *My door was being messed with and I wondered was I that close to the nurses station for them to watch over me? A pain in my side hit and that was on par with the issue I felt with the broken bones. I doubted there was anything they could give me anyways so I was suffering through it and cursing myself more with each passing moment. Even now when I felt like I didn't deserve them I wanted @GrumpRen. But he no showed, even after the call. Grabbing a pillow, not realizing it was holding my hand up some I threw it. The action making my whole body jerk. That had the alarms blaring for them to come running no doubt. Even the wild idea to start pulling the pins on my hand came to mind. Pain was something I was associating with right now. It was all I had.*

Ren: *The drive from the casino to the hospital that Ramone told me, where they took her seemed like it was an all day drive. I pulled into the ramp and it was just before 7pm, so it was just over a 2 hr drive from where I was at. I left everything in the car except my ID because I knew they were going to ask me for it as I approached the information desk.* I was told my fiancee was brought here this afternoon. Her name is Sarenity James. *I stood there waiting as the security guard looked up the information and he frowned as he looked up at me. "I'm sorry but there is no one here by that name, sir. Are you sure you got the right hospital?" I knew I had it right and I even dug my phone out of my pocket as I pulled up Ramone's text message to me with the address of the hospital and her room number. I handed him my phone to show him the info I was given. He then made a call and I could here what was being said. I tried to control my anger as I heard them accusing me of being the one who has hurt her. I stood there waiting to hear whatever it is they were gonna lie to me about. He hung up the phone and took a deep breath before he spoke to me. "All I can tell you is that the patient in that room has a list of people who can visit her and you aren't on that list. I'm sorry, you can't go up." Hearing these words I wanted to yell or even hurt the hell out of this guy for this but I wasn't even sure she was here. I just nodded and moved away as I swiped the screen on the text with Ramone to dial his number. I waited as the phone rang a few time and he answered. "Ren, what is it?"* They are telling me she isn't at this hospital and the room number you gave me has a list of people who can visit and I'm not on it. *He was quiet for a minute before I heard the sigh. "I swear to you, she's there and when they asked what happened I told them she must've fell down the stairs. I'll call and see if I can find out if she's been moved. Give me ten minutes. " With that he hung up and I went o sit down in the lobby where there wasn't anyone else cause they were allowed up to visit who they wanted to. I started flipping through my text messages I received from Sare and took a few deep breaths as I read them. They made upset and pissed off at what made us split up. It seemed stupid as hell now but I always believed communication was key to any relationship. She didn't do such and it caused the separation between us. She kept apologizing and then explaining why she didn't talk to me. Closing the text messages and no longer then that I got the call I was waiting for. Ramone called back. "Ren, I put you on the list but you may get questioned when you go up there. I'm just giving you a heads up. They think you did this. They didn't say it to me but the way they were talking, I can tell they were think domestic abuse." Sighing and just getting annoyed and pissed at the same time I took a deep breath.* Thanks Ramone for everything. *I got back up and went to the desk again and gave him my ID and this time he gave me a printed out badge and sent me up to her room. I went down the long hall and to the elevators. I got onto the elevator and hit 7 to get up to the ICU where they were keeping her at. I should've paid attention to that sick feeling I had earlier and came home anyway. The little ding went off as I reached the floor. I stepped off and went to the right and opened the doors that led to her room. I hesitated at the door before I went in and saw @sarenemelody laying in the bed* Baby, I'm here.

Sarenity: Mother fucker! *I was yelling because every monitor possible was going off after that pillow launch. They all came rushing in again, not a single face one I wanted in here. They stopped talking to me, telling me things. Instead they would again push something in my IV. Making me have no choice but to relax. Their voices blended but I heard something about the trauma affecting my thinking. The way the meds got into my system so quickly I wasn't able to even attempted to mess with the pins.* "Miss James you know it's not good for you to keep bringing your heart rate up like this." You all have not said two words to me since before my hand became a freaking pin cushion. *I glared at the female as she made a face trying to sympathize with me as my tumble down the stairs was brought up.* "You can tell us who is actually behind your fall. We can keep you both safe." *As she said both her gaze went to my stomach and then I realized there was two more monitors there. Tears started forming again.* It isn't possible. I was told when I was 15. Stop being so fucking cruel! *I know the ultrasound could not lie but in my head I had long since come to terms with the cysts I had, damaging and building so much scar tissue that there was never going to be a chance. I pushed her away the best I could. Not realizing that the were taking the things I was saying out of context. Forgetting that they would not find my medical history that I knew better than anyone.* I fell because I blacked out it's been the 5th time that I am aware of. *I tried to keep my eyes open, fear of what drug induced dreams may follow next. But it was a losing battle. My eyes dropped and I realized what they were doing. It was the only way I was ever going to stay calm. They finally realized it. The door shut behind them, the click so soft it didn't register with me that it was opening again. Drs were supposed to be helping and right now I felt that they were doing the opposite. I was thinking like I was back home with my family, their words still ringing around in my head. I wasn't good enough, never would be. There finally seemed to be no more yesterday left to fall, and I was too relaxed to be able to sob. I dozed not even aware that I was no longer alone. Their presence didn't seem to be that way of the drs and the words that were said, the voice that spoke it didn't reach through the fog that I had just been put in. I shifted and made a face. Unable to get comfortable, not with my hand being a literal pin cushion, the cast that felt like it weighed a ton, the IV in my left forearm, and the blood pressure cuff on my right side. The hand that could, kept flexing like I was wanting something, but nothing would come. The tech who had done the ultrasound had even left me the copies that she made on the side table within reach. Thinking that I'd want them, would keep them. They only broke me even further each time my gaze found them when awake. Something they hadn't figured out yet was my ability to burn through what they would give me, which was happening as I laid there. They refused to give too much, for fear of causing damage. So that meant my body bilt up the tolerance easily enough. This time when my eyes opened, the sight that greeted me I wasn't sure if it was my dreaming or reality. Too scared to risk destroying what could be the one dream I wouldn't want to leave from. Maybe this time they finally got the drug right. He looked so broken, different than the male I was aware of. It was my fault and that was what caused the pain to start again. Thankfully the monitors didn't catch it, I guess emotional pain was far different than physical to them.* Ren? @GrumpRen

Ren: Yes Sare I'm really here. *I walked over to the bed and knew the instant I was in the room. HOLY FUCKING SHIT!! She told me it was a good chance she wasn't able to get pregnant and now, this!! I swallowed and took a look at all her injuries. I could heal what I needed to but I was afraid the pain of healing her would affect the baby. I just didn't want to chance it. I took a look at the machines she was hooked up too. I didn't like seeing her like this and now I can see why someone thought she was being abused. Ramone should've taken her to the hospital or clinic when she was having issues the other day. I reached for her uninjured hand to let her know I was real and the fact I was here for her. I kept on debating on doing a little to ease her pain but that would cause pain as well. I took a look around for the chair that would be in here. I saw that it was behind me. I released her hand long enough to grab it and sit by her side. Sighing as I grabbed her hand again.* Baby, I want you to tell me what happened? I wasn't told much other than Ramone thinks you fell down the stairs. How did it happen? I'm sure they think I did this and expect them to try and kick me out once they come back in here. *Lifting her hand I gave it a kiss. I forgot we were supposed to be separated for now and all I thought about was her getting better. No longer did I tell her my suspicions, the doctor and nurses came in with this ball shriveling look at me. As if I was the lowest form on this planet. Yeah, the look didn't bother me since I knew for a fact I didn't do this shit. "I'm sorry, but who are you?" The doctor asked me. I did my best not to sneer at him as I answered.* I'm her fiance. *" I'm sorry but you aren't allowed in here per our protocol for abuse cases". My eyes widened and nostrils flared with my anger at the accusation but I knew it was coming. I took a deep breath as I held myself back from hitting the bastard.* I wasn't even in town when this even happened. I just arrived 15 minutes ago. Her assistant Ramone called me and I came straight down. I was away for work. If you need it, I have receipts from my hotel I was at today. *I stood up and looked down at the doctor as I let nurses move in to do whatever it was.* Can you tell me what injuries she has at least? Or even what's going on? and What has caused the blackouts Ramone told me she was having? *I stood there waiting for him to answer me. "I'm not at liberty to tell you unless she tells me herself I can tell you what's going on. But that mean I'll have to let her come through and feel the pain of it all." I stared at her and didn't have a choice but to see if she would let them know it was alright.* Let her tell you, it will be alright. *Once the nurse moved I moved in closer and held her hand again* @sarenemelody tell the doctor he can tell what's going on.

Sarenity: *He was here, oh god he was seriously here. The hold on my hand confirmed it. I wanted to open my eyes more to see him properly. I was tired though, visibly relaxing at the simple action.* Ramone called? *I was hopeful, wanting so much for this to stay this way. I was waking up more each moment that passed. I didn't want to be at the hospital but I knew they wouldn't let me leave, not as long as they felt I couldn't be on my own.* I'm sorry. *It was all I got out before the drs and nurses came in here again. I was confused since no alarms went off, no annoying beeping that signaled I was stressed. I didn't want to let go of Rens hand a second time but I didn't have much choice. I was able to watch as his demeanor changed, from that of worrying over me, to anger as they accused him of something even I know was absurd. It did not matter how angry I could possibly make him, I would never be touched in an unloving way. I couldn't help but laugh to myself. Did they really think they were keeping me under control with the meds. When the Dr came around to me I could not help but glare at him.* Fuck you. *I grinned even for a moment before I shifted to try and sit up. Cursing again because I had issues trying this myself.* You inglorious moronic idiot. Today is the first time I've seen Ren in well over a week. Your meds suck ass. *With that I stayed quiet. Letting well more like hoping that they would either talk or leave.* Look the monitors aren't even going off so chill out. *I sighed and ignored the looks the Dr gave me.* If he was the one who caused all this, you think I'd be calm? *It was the most I have said since yesterday so I bet they were surprised. Any other time I was just a teary mess. The nurse came over, adjusting each monitor and I wanted to smack her hands once they touched my stomach. Grumbling I had waited until the door finally closed with them on the other side.* No doubt they are going to be within ear shot even more. *I sighed and just flopped my head back onto the pillow it was the only thing that I could do. I could only imagine the way I liked right now too. I sighed before beginning.* Remember the premier I took you too? It actually starts there. The first time I had one of these blackouts. I put it all on stress. But after I changed what all I did, it happened again at home. The coffee table and I no longer are friends because of the bruise. *I stopped for a moment, closing my eyes because the thought of explaining my line of thoughts next would not be so easy.* After that I got scared, thinking that the health, the genetics of my family was again striking me. I didn't want to hear what the Dr was saying. So fear kept me from doing anything. If I was on a shorter clock than I knew of. I didn't want to know. *I made a face as I felt the way I shook. Fighting the emotions I've kept inside for quite some time.* I know you could do something if that was the case but I couldn't bring myself to finding out. Even after it happened at work, in the kitchen. I lied and said I was given a clean bill of health. I went to the house, getting more clothes because I wasn't staying there. I don't know everything. I came to at the bottom of the stairs, and again when Ramone and the paramedics were there. *I sighed chancing a look your way wondering if you were paying attention and listening. Of course why wouldn't you be?* I have a condition, and I'm not talking about all the broken bones I have now. I don't know what to do. @GrumpRen I have to make a choice. Something not easy at all to do.

Ren: Yes Ramone did call, he was a persistent fucker. *Chuckling as I watched the Doctor and nurses leave a little upset they weren't kicking me out, once she told them how long it has been since we've seen each other. I moved back to her side and say back down and grabbed her hand again.* How did I miss the blacking out at the premiere? I losing my touch. *Sighing as I gave your injuries another look and knew the baby was at risk but I wasn't completely bought on him being expendable or whatever you want to call it. Yet I listened and nodded. I was going to help you through this no matter what. I should've also picked up on her black outs as well but I've been too damn busy as well. This was a major kick to the stones with the news of her blacking out. I reached up and cupped your face, letting my thumb move over the skin with a slight smile.* I can't believe you didn't really believe I was here and doubt the fact I'd even be here. *I didn't need to be psychic to know she was thinking that but the fact that thought hit me loud and clear when she was slowly coming through earlier. I always did my best not to invade your privacy by reading your thoughts. I put that block up when I learned how to. * Now I want to know what you want to tell me @sarenemelody.

Sarenity: Ramone deserves a damn raise, with everything he's been putting up with. *My eyes closed at the change of contact, the gentle caress on my cheek was everything.* My family was here, or I think they were. I don't like whatever it is they gave me. *Reaching up I covered your hand moving it to my hip where the pain was always coming from.* I was alone at the premiere, sitting down so no one would be the wiser should they come by. But where I was always hurting, the pain I thought was cysts ended up being more. *Sadly with putting your hand there you would also hit the cast and I was trying to once again push what pain I could out of my mind. *Years of scar tissue, damage, that's what what they said when I went to a Dr about birth control. I had nothing to worry about. It would never happen. *It was a dry laugh that passed my lips.* It's causing the blackouts, the added pain I don't usually deal with. Because of it several bones are broken on my hand alone, I've already had two surgeries. A third is going to be coming. Quite possibly a forth as well. *I pulled our hands back up from my hip. The pain was there at a light touch and I was pushing myself far more than I had since I got here.* I don't want to be here anymore, have them come in here each and every time I get upset. Look at me I have plenty of reasons to be upset. Now they want to tell me that not only did the slimmest possible chance of my life fucking happen, but it's stuck in a shot it shouldn't be. That will do more harm than good. Why would I want to be happy over it? @GrumpRen what the hell am I supposed to do?!

Ren: *I fell silent over what she was saying. This was the hardest thing I wanted to hear and as far as I know, I can't heal this or can I? My hand still holding hers and I felt more than she could ever know when she put my hand at her hip. I had to stop myself from reacting to it.  I had my eyes closed for a second to sort out my own feelings but right now they didn't matter as I heard the hurt in her voice about this. I gave a little clearing of my voice as I moved closer and looked her in the eye.* I can heal you a little to help with some of the pain physically but you do know that it'll hurt as it happens. I'm not sure if...........*Sighing as I looked toward your stomach or more towards the area you had my hand earlier.* I can do anything for h......that. *I caught myself almost telling her it is a boy. I couldn't do that to her. Forget me, she didn't need that on her right now. I just wanted most of this pain gone for her.* When it comes down to it, we will come to the decision we need to babe. I'll stand by your side on whatever you need to do. *I stood up and leaned over to give you a kiss on the forehead, giving you a sad smile. I hated the fact this was happening. I couldn't state it enough to myself but I didn't like it.* Tell me, what do you want me to do @sarenemelody?

Sarenity: When I've been able I thought about it, what I would want you to do. They won't let me leave any time soon. No matter what. *I was done crying but damnit a new wave of tears emerged.* Right now my mind is a mess, they said something about blood loss.... I don't know of they said more. Almost every time they were in here it was to respond to the alarms, make me sleep. *My hand tightened.on your when you stood. Eyes closing at the kiss. I wanted to feel you closer, just the fact of your presence alone was helping me.* I am clueless, but I am not wanting to stay here any longer than I have to. I don't want these damn pins and whatever else in my hand. I want to roll over without feeling like I'm once again getting stabbed. I don't want these damn cords telling in me every time I get fucking upset! *My breathing was in short bursts, chest heaving with each inward breath. The monitors were obviously beeping faster and faster as I continued to talk, the octave of my voice rising as I did.* I don't want to have to make a choice, to dream about the family who damn near ruined me finding me to ridicule more than before. I changed my name for a reason damnit. *Eyes closing once more I was feeling wiped out more than ever from the emotional outburst. I didn't want you to leave though and I hoped I was getting my point across.* Pain thankfully is brief on a good day. I don't care about how bad it might be. If you are leaving here I'm not staying behind. @GrumpRen

[dxlanwrites]

"Old Roots" .1 (G.D)

A/N: After re-reading the series I didn't like how fast the plot developed so I've been rewriting the current parts that are up. Some parts are still the same, others are different and have added scene's. Here's part 1. She's a long one so watch out. Enjoy.

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5

~~~~~~~~~~

An eerie quietness fell over the neighborhood as I closed my car door. The quiet thumps of my boots hitting the broken slabs of concrete sidewalk were the only noise that could be distinctly heard. It had to be around 3 a.m by now but I wouldn’t of known since my phone was currently smashed to piece's on my living room floor. Pulling my leather jacket closer to my body to help keep out the chill, I neared my destination. About a block away at the end of the almost abandoned street sat a fairly new looking home surrounded by cars and motorcycles. A warm almost inviting glow was hidden behind the closed curtains that framed the windows. A soft buzz of chatter could be heard as I got closer. Carefully maneuvering my way through the vehicles, I stopped and stood at the bottom of the steps that led up to the door and front porch. Damn. I haven’t been here in years but everything still seemed familiar. I still knew every inch of this house as if it were my own which it basically was to my 16 year old self, but now it was all just a distant memory. Taking a deep breathe, I reluctantly made my way up the steps. My boots sounded heavy against the newly placed wood, no doubt alerting everyone inside that someone was out here. Pulling open the screen door that was the only thing separating me from my past, I raised my arm and moved my clenched hand forward. Only to stop mere centimeters from the wooden door. I should of just called, I thought to myself. There was no need to do this face to face, yet here I was. No more hesitating. I have to do this. I need to do this. Taking another deep breath and rolling my shoulders back to relaxed slightly, I brought up my knuckles banged them against the cold wooden door. Knocking hard three times, I backed up slightly and harded my facial expression. Game face. The chatter inside died down alittle and the sound of footsteps were nearing the door. As the lockes clicked unlocked, my breath hitched when realization finally kicked in. Here goes nothing. The door was swung open and the familiar scent hit me like a ton of bricks but I quickly pulled myself together, pushing back any emotions that dared to break the surface. Looking back at me curiously stood someone I’ve never seen before. He looked pretty young and old at the same time, had to be no more then 17. His scruff aged him more than it should of but his baby face showed his youth. The jet black hair of his layed messily underneath the hood that was lazily thrown up. His bright green eyes were shinning as if he was just laughing hysterically at something. The throat being cleared from this unknown boy helped regain my attention when he caught he taking in his features.

“Can I help you?” His deep voice rang out into the air as his eyes narrowed in on me. Mentally clearing my mind and straightening up slightly to help with the height disadvantage I was at, I began to speak. 

“You can help me by stepping aside and letting me in.” I said emotionless.

"And why would I do that?" He said leaning into the door frame as he crossed his arms.

"Because I said so. So move." I said getting slightly annoyed.

"Yeah. Okay." He said stepping back as if he was about to let me walk in, only to shove me back by my shoulder and began to close the door. Okay, I wont play nice then. Kicking my leg out to stop the door from closing, I pushed myself inside. Taken back from my sudden aggressiveness, he quickly put himself inbetween me and the destination i seeked.

“You have about 5 seconds to get off the property or you’ll regret it, little one.” He said down to me.

"Little one?” I repeated quietly as I moved in closer to him, dangerously close. Lifting up my hand, I gently traced my finger down his jawline stopping at his chin.

“Oh honey the only little one here is you.” I said grabbing the collar of his hoodie and pulling him out of the doorway and onto the ground of the porch.

“Word of advice, never threaten me again. Or you’ll regret it.” I hissed at him. As I walked in, memories began to flow. Everything looked fairly the same, some changes had occured throughout the years though. New furniture, fresh layer of paint on the walls, pictures in picture frames taken out and replaced with new memories. A loud familiar laugh soon invaded my ears as it came from where the living room should be, unless that changed too. Before I could chicken out and run away, my feet were already reluctantly  moving me in that direction. Fast and loud footsteps were heading my way as I made my way ddeeper inside, no doubt from the boy I just met. When his figure emerged from the corner and spotted me, he lunged forward and tried to grab my arms only to be kneed in the groin and pushed onto the floor. This small commotion caused everyone to turn from their spots on the couches and look at the noise. Confused and shocked faces met my hardened one as they spotted me. No one said anything, just stared back with blank expressions, except for a brunette whose tits were basically pouring out of her tank top.

“Who the hell are you?” She said standing up from the recliner. Before she could take a step forward the arm from the guy next to her shot out infront of her to stop her from moving closer. She looked up confused as to why she was halted and was about to say something but the sound of glass breaking beat her to it. Looking to my right to where the shatter came from I saw a familiar face. My heart skipped a beat in excitement as my eyes connected with his. 

“Y/n?” He said in pure and utter shock. A smile spread across my lips as I closed the distance between us and ran into his arms. A few seconds later after his mind click on and realized I was real, he returned my hug and held me tight against him. I don't know what came over me to run into his arms like that but I was secretly happy I did. I hadn’t even noticed a single tear left my eyes until we broke apart to get a good look at one another when he quickly swiped it off my face. 

“Ethan.” I said breathlessly. His small smile grew bigger as he released me from his grasp. Our little moment was ruined by a deep groan from behind me, turning around I completely forgot about the boy I kneed a moment ago.

“What happened to you?” Ethan asked as he peered past me. The boy didn’t say anything instead just pointed at me instead. 

“She did this? Y/n, you’ve been here for not even 5 minutes and are already causing trouble.” He teased.

“What can I say, trouble seems to follow me. In my defense he didnt let me inside when I was being nice then he threatened me then basically came at me so he’s lucky all he got was a kick to the balls.” I said blankly.

“Still got it I see. Attitude and all.” He laughed.

“Kinda hard to forget. Blame it on the muscle memory.” I joked. Ethan rolled his eyes and bent down to pick up the glass from his cup he broke. Someone else I didnt know got up from the couch and headed towards the kitchen to get a broom.

“Damn y/n in the flesh. Never a sight I thought we’d ever see again.” A voice said behind me. I turned around just in time to see two large bodies come hurling at me, wrapping me up in their arms and squishing me between them. I laughed shortly but quickly was over the unwelcomed contact, getting irrated and began pushing them off of me.

“No more y/n sandwhich!” I said facing them. 

“Aw c'mon y/n/n, you know you love it. Being between me and Russ is a fantasy of yours, we know it.” Tyler joked as he smirked at me. Roaming my eyes over their body, I couldn’t help but take in the sight in front of me. Definitely not those scrawny 17 year old boys I once knew. Fully grown men now stood in front of me with toned muscle flexing underneath their too tight of a shirt, jeans perfectly wrapped around there muscular legs. Rolling my eyes at his comment, I gave them a small smile in return trying not to crack too much and show my soft. Standing back, I began to take in the new faces around us. A few of the guys that were sitting on the couch watching everything unfold in front of them looked to be around our age while the other 3 relaxing in the floor looked to be in their late teens just like the boy I met at the door. Awkwardly standing around waiting for Ethan to return, my eeyes fell onto a specific spot of the leather couch.

"Take a load off y/n." Russ said taking his previous spot on the couch across the room. Slowly walking to the couch, I hesitantly fell back into the only familar couch that still sat against the wall. It was still in the perfect position to see the TV and best spot to get to the kitchen and bathroom. Taking a seat in the only spot where I ever sat. My spot. The left corner next to the table. Closing my eyes and letting my head fall back onto the couch, I let out a deep sigh and surprisingly allowed myslef to relax into the familiarity. I was brought back to reality from an obnoxiously loud laugh. Ethan was making his way over to me with two beers carefully hheld in his fingers. Putting out his hand for me to take one, e rose his eyebrow when I hesitantly took it from him. He sat down next to me as he laughed quietly and shook his head.

“It’s as if you never left.” He said taking a swing of his beer.

"Oh but thank god I did." I replied under my breath as I took a sip of my beer. Wincing at the strange taste I took my lips of the bottle.

“What the f-. Light beer?” I said looking over at Ethan.

"Yep. We’re trying to maintain our amazing bodies and beer doesnt really help. It was Grays idea.” Ethan said nonchalantly. Tensing up at his name I remembered the main reason I was here. I knew I was going to let myself get caught up with all the reminiscing and comfortiblilty that I would forgot the only reason I even came back here. Noticing my uncomfortably state he gave me a sympathetic look which I didn't like at all. Pushing all flashbacks and feelings away, I refocused myself. 

“Where is he E?” I asked not looking up from the spot on the floor I was staring a hole in.

“Around. He was pissed at everyone and everything earlier. Left in a rage. Wouldn't even talk to Hailey.” He said avoiding looking at me after the last sentence left his lips. 

“Hailey?” I asked looking up at him. He motioned over to the kitchen with his beer, ignoring my stare. Following the direction he motioned with, my eyes met the backside of the brunette from before. Her bootyshorts road up her ass showing alittle too much booty. 

“Figures.” I laughed as I downed my beer. Ethan laughed at my remark and silently agreed with a simple head nod. 

“But seriously Eth, where is he? I didn’t just come here to take a trip down memory lane.” I said looking at him.

"Then why are you here?” A deep voice asked from the other side of the room. Freezing up instantly at the sound of his voice, I mentally cursed at myself for letting him take my by surprise and make me feel how I was. An overly excited squeal sounded out from the kitchen followed by footsteps.

“Baby!” The brunettes, or known as Haileys voice broke out into the silence that now hung in the air. From the corner of my eye I saw him quickly dismiss her as he walked closer to us. I smirked inwardly a little but instantly dropped it to remain my neutral look. Giving myself a small pep talk, I reluctantly rotated in my spot and faced him. As soon as my eyes hit his hazel ones, I knew I was a goner. So many emotions flowed through my body at once, I didnt know which one to react with first. Neither of us said anything as we stared at eachotheer allowing the tension to grow in the air. Ethan put a reassuring hand on my thigh to help edge me on, in which Grayson quickly took noticed of right away and narrowed his eyes. Noticing the slight change in his demeanor, I pushed Ethan’s hand off of me like it was on fire. Standing up and placing my beer on the table I stood face to face with him.

“Grayson." I said emotionless as my nails dug into the palm of my hand to help me not shake. Somehow his expression hardened at the sound of his name slipping past my lips.

“Why are you here?” He asked sternly boring his eyes into me as he crossed his arms against his broad chest making his muscle’s flex. In any other moment I would of been drooling over the pure sexual power oozing from him in that tight black shirt but I knew what he was doing. He was trying to intimidate me.

"We need to talk.” I said steadily. He made no advancement to reply or pay any attention to my request. Looking to my side where Ethan sat, I gave him a look we used to share many times when Grayson was being difficult. Grayson was quick to take notice of the smiles that threaten to spread on mine and Ethans face. An animalistic like growl escaped his lips making my head snap towards him.

"Don't even." I warned. That sound was all too familiar to me from the countless fights between me and him or whenever his overprotectness would emerge.

“Excuse me?” He said harshly taking a long stride towards me. Challenging him was one thing he had always told me he admired about me but it always pissed him off none the less. When he was in arms length distance of me and made no motion to be stopping anytime soon, I extended my arm out as it collided with his hard warm chest. At the mere contact he stopped all movement.

“Let's be civil. Talk like the adults we are, or well how I am. I dont know about you.” I sassed as I removing my hand off his chest.

“Im busy.” He said coldly pushing past me. Grabbing at his bicep and turning him around to face I gave him a hard look. I heard someone intake a hard breath as they watched me man handle him.

“Grayson Bailey! If it wasn’t important I wouldn’t of dragged myself back into this shithole.” I said angrily at his childish antics which earned a couple of defensive ‘heys’ from the boys.

“Shithole? Well this 'shithole' used to be your home.” He scuffed and pulled his arm out of my grasp.

“Gray, please.” I said as it came out barely above a whisper. Looking up at him, I noticed he was already staring down at me with an unreadable expression. He narrowed his eyes at me and knitted his eyebrows together as if he was thinking. Then in a blink of an eye, wrapped his large hand around my wrist and pulled me behind him without another word. 

“But baby-” An annoying whine called out from close behind us as we walked out of the living room. Grayson stopped mid step, making me inconveniently slam into his back and instinctively wrapping my freed arm around his waist. He didnt turn around but just turned his head back slightly to look at Hailey. 

“Leave us alone. I’ll deal with you later.” He said as he contiuned to walk and head towards the stairs. Ethan was causally leaned up against the wall no doubt waiting for us when he finally spoke.

“Gray man, let’s take a second to calm down. No need to be rash.” He said calmly as he tried to reach for my wrist in Graysons grasp. Grayson pushed him back slightly as he brought me forward so my back was now securely pressed up against his chest with his arm holding me in place by my waist. As soon as Ethan took in the expression Grayson was giving him and my knowingful gaze, he lifted his hands up in surrender and backed away back into the living room. He knew how things were going to get settled between us and as soon as Grayson and I had made eye contact but he hoped it wouldn't. Ethan would never admit it but he was always proud and happy for me when I finally left because he knew I could finally be who I wanted to be and reach my full potential instead of being stuck here and never see what the world had to offer. Without warning Grayson quickly rushed up the stairs with me in his arm, almost making me fall over my own damn feet.

“Fuck Grayson, I can walk on my own!” I said pushing myself out of his grasps. He ignored my whine and walked to the far end of the hallway where his bedroom still sat. Following him towards his room, he waited for me to get inside then slammed the door shut. 

“Talk.” He said harshly as he walked into his large walkin closet, stripping himself from his shirt and throwing it a basket in the process. He walked back out a few moments later in a pair of sweats that hung low on his hips and a t-shirt thrown over his shoulder. If I say so myself he has definitely been keeping his body in check. 

“Sit.” He said pointing to his bed as he pulled on his shirt. 

“No. Do I look like a dog?” I said crossing my arms and leaning back against the door.

“Did it fucking sound like an option? And well you are a bitch.” He said as he grabbed my arm and pushed me onto his bed.

“If you keep manhandling me, I’ll swear I’ll chop of your dick Dolan.” I said glaring up at him as I sat up from my thrown position. All he did was roll his eyes and make his way over the the desk that sat in the far corner near to the window. I noticed a small digital clock that sat on the desk and it read 4:45 a.m. Letting out a breath I didn't realized I had held in, all the exhaustion I have been holding back seemed to finally release myself as I let myself fall back into the bed. 

“I said sit, not lay.” He said still facing away from me.

“Never listened to you before so why start now.” I said rolling onto my side to face his direction. He was looking at paper work that was scattered on top of the desk when he felt my gaze on him, making him twist around and looked at me. He seemed to get lost in his own thoughts as he watched me. His face seemed to soften up somewhat before it disappeared and he turned around.

“Don’t lay like that.” He said bringing his attention back to the papers in front of him.

“Lay like what? I’m literally just laying down.” I said annoyed as I sat up. 

“Like you used to when I worked. Like you belong there, in my bed.” He said as his shoulders drooped..

"But Hailey can lay in your bed because she belongs here right?” I said surprising myself at the petty jealousy that was laced in my voice. He had stopped moving as his back muscles tensed back up. 

“She doesn’t come in my room. She especially does not lay in my bed.” He replied. Feeling somewhat satisfied with his answer, I took a moment to look around the room. It was pretty much the same. All the same furniture was still there just moved around, shelves still held the same objects, clothes were still all over the floor. His bed side table still held my initials I had carved in many years ago so that any girl he brought home after me would know hes will always be mine. Reaching out to touch my engraved initials, memories of that day flowed back.

"What are you doing." Graysons voice said startling me slightly.

"Nothing." I replied as I moved my book over the small scratches.

"Baby, guilt is written all over your face." He said walking into his room and over to where I layed. Staring down at me, he tried to pick out any sign as to what I was just doing. When my eyes twitch to the left a little his gaze followed as he investigated the side table. He noticed the small curved wood scraps from when I removed them with his switch blade. Pushing the only thing on the table to the side he stared down at my initial for my first name on it.

"What were you doing?" He asked. Some anger rushed through him at the thought of you ruining his furniture but he was also very curious.

"I was engraving my initials." I said making eye contact with his beautiful hazel orbs.

"Why?" His deep voice asked.

"So that any girl you bring into your bedroom after me knows that you will always be mine." I said staring at my unfinished job. He stayed quiet after my little jealous explosion and simply grabbed his switch blade that was closed up in my hand and contiuned to carve my last names initial in right next to me first.

"No girl will ever come in here after you cause your it for me." He said leaning down and cupping my face gently in his hands. Smiling up at him, I wrapped my arm around his neck and pulled him down towards me. His soft lips met mine as a smile broke out from him.

Getting brought back from my flashback from his gaze I could feel on me as I mindlessly traced over the edged markings, I knew he felt that same way I did. Dangerous waters we were treading. The possibility of opening up wounds that have been healed up for the past four years was closer then I wanted. Sighing, I lifted myself up off the bed and walked over to where he was standing. Reaching into my pocket to grab the reason I was here, I unfolded it and layed it out infront of him. He quickly grabbed it as he read it over and spun around to face me. 

“Where did you get this.” His asked as his voice came out strained as if he was trying to hold his emotions back. 

“It was in my apartment, attached to this.” I said pulling out the picture I had in my other pocket. He grabbed the photo from my hands and stared down at it before snapping his head up to look at me.

“Im serious. Tell me where you got this y/n.” He said a little more louder this time.

“In my apartment! On my fucking cutting bored with a knife stabbed throught them." I replied annoyed. He ran his fingers through his hair and pushed past me.

“Don’t fucking play games!” He yelled as he turned to face me. His face was slightly red and his muscle’s were really protruding. 

“Play games?! Are you fucking kidding me? Do you think I would of came back here if I was 'playing games'. The last place I would ever want to be is back here with you.” I yelled at him as I clenched and unclenched my fists at my side. He seemed slightly taken back by my outburst but quickly stiffened back up as he dropped the paper and photo on the bed and walked over to his dresser. After rummaging through one of the draws, he pulled out a metal box and brought it over. Opening it up he dumped out all of the piece’s of paper that were held with in. Looking down at them, I noticed they all had the same thing written on all of them in the same hand writing.

What’s poor old Grayson Dolan without his girl? And I don’t mean that little whore you’ve been keeping around. How’s y/n? She looks good, too good. Makes me want to have her squirming underneath me as she cried out in pain.

They were all similar to the note I got. Same messy hand writing and same type of paper, but my referred to Grayson and told me things werent as they seemed also mine came along with a picture of Gray and I when we had to be around 18 years old, sitting outside on the porch with me on his lap. Honestly I didn’t know what to say. Grayson had physical hand written threats targeted against me and decide to just keep it a secret. As soon as I saw the note and pitcure at my place, I was in the car making the 3 ½ hour drive over here without thinking but he didn’t even think to even pick up the phone to tell me.

“How- how long have you had these?” I said looking at the piece’s of paper as a moment of silence fell over us.

“A couple months. I recieved some pictures too of you, they looked recent.” He said unbothered. 

“What?! A couple months? You've received threats against me for months and got pictures of me recently? Are you fucking kidding me? Did you even think to tell me or was the small brain of yours too stupid and thought ’oh I better not tell y/n cause im a selfish dumbass and only does whats best for me, fuck y/n right? Who cares what happens to her’.” I yelled at him. He stood there taking my yelling with a clenched his jaw then began putting the papers back into the box along with my note and my picture. Once everything was put away he turned to walk back to his dresser.

“Stop ignoring me! What th-” I began to yell but he interrupted me by the loud sound of him slamming the dresser draw close.

“IM NOT FUCKING IGNORING YOU! If you would shut up for just a goddamn second and let me talk then you would of found out I handled the fucking situation already!” He screamed back at me. As he took a step forward I took one back. I wasnt necessarily afraid of him but I knew he was unpredictable when he was mad.

“What do you mean took care of it? Cause from where Im standing it looks like you didnt.” I said. 

“When I said I took care of it, I took care of it.” He said walking towards his door and opening it up.

“Now get out and leave.” He spat out at me. 

“You're joking right?” I asked in disbelief. Shaking my head I stood up but didnt make a move towards the door.

“After all these years I really would of thought that ego of yours would of actually shrunk but damn was I wrong. 'I took care of it'. What type of shady crap are you back into now? Or did you never leave that part of your life behind like you always promised you would. Cause from what I remember you told me you stopped working for those guys only for me to find you beating some guy almost to death a week later over some money he owed you. Then on top of all that bullshit I found out you had your own little gang and BROUGHT ETHAN INTO IT! And we all know how that ended, don’t we Grayson.” I said as anger rose in me. He looked over at me from the spot on the wall hes been staring at and I could of sworn his eyes darkened. 

"You're the one who left. You walked away. I was done with all of that shit then you left.” He said dangerously low as he stalked towards me.

“And why do you think I left? Huh? Maybe cause I was tired of you lying to me, coming back home at ungodly times of the night, bruises all over, money just coming in from nowhere, PEOPLE TRYING TO GET TO YOU THROUGH ME. The list goes on and on! Remember Marcus? What happened there? Who’s fault was that? Who’s fault was it when I was in the hospital for three goddamn days because of a fucking gun shot wound? Huh? I was FUCKING 17 FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! I missed most of my stupid senior year because of you. I didn’t go to prom because of you! Couldn’t go to graduation! I almost didnt get the chance TO GO FUCKING COLLEGE BECAUSE OF YOU! My own parents basically disowned me when they found out I got pregant with your baby only to have that fucking miscarriage. I gave up my entire life for you. So dont you fucking stand there trying to acting all innocent and try to blame anything on me. I left because loving you was the DUMBEST DECISION I had ever made!” I yelled. I didnt even notice the tears that were falling down my face until my eyes became so blurry I couldn’t see. I reluctantly let out a loud whimper as a pair of arms wrapped around me and held me against its chest.

“No! Get away from me. I hate you! I hate you.” I said as I punched at his chest and tried to get away. Memories I hadn’t thought about in years kept flooding my mind as I cried hysterically into Graysons chest. The whole house stood quiet expect for my loud uncontrollable sobs. I had soon forgotten that the door was wide open and that everyone obviously had to of heard everything, which made me cry even more. Soon later my sobs quiet down and the tears dried up but my body was drained emotionally and physically. I felt Graysons grasp loosen slightly on me but still held me close as he gently removed my jacket. In one swift motion he had me up in his arms then placed me gently into the middle of his bed. Removing my boots, he pulled up the blanket that was draped messily on his bed and placed it comfortably on top of me. When he was about to pull away, something in me reached out to grab his arm and pull him slightly towards me. He pulled away lightly to much of my dismay as he walked away and closed the door. I thought he had left but soon the lights were shut off and the corner of the blanket lifted up from behind me. Once he was settled in and somewhat relaxed I scooted back trying to get some sort of body contact I was craving at the moment. To my surprise he was on his side facing me so that when I wiggled back his chest was pressed up against my back. He stiffened up at the contact and didnt dare move so I reached behind me, grabbing at his free arm and wrapped it around me. He quickly relax into my touch and tightened his grip around me bringing me close to him. 

"Gray..” I whispered as my eyes stung from the tears forming again. He quietly hushed me and kissed the top of my head as he pulling me closer into him. Silent tears rolled down my cheeks and from the wetness on the back of my neck and uneven breathing in my ear. I could tell he was crying as well. 

“I’m sorry.” He said softly and he hugged me closer soon lulling us both to sleep.

#grayson dolan #grayson dolan imagine #dolan twins #ethan dolan #dxlan writes #old roots

[ruthsheart]

from dusk till dawn

Ruth glided through the crowd like a thief in the night, melded flawlessly into the environment of glittering diamonds and sheer silk. The click of her heels on the polished wooden floor made hardly a sound amidst the chiming of tiny silver hors d'oeuvre forks against glowing white porcelain tea plates and the steady circling flutter of violin strings that hovered over the low chatter of guests. She lifted her hand and, without pausing to stop and search, effortlessly plucked a flute of champagne from a silver tray as it slipped past. The air was sweet with the aromas of ripe summer fruits and fresh cut flowers, intoxicating in the thick summer humidity. Ruth continued to flit between slick dark suits and light-colored shimmering gowns, unheard and unseen, while the guests bantered in cheerful vapid conversation.

As she settled against the back wall, tucked between two tall paintings she had donated to the charity for auction, Ruth sipped pensively at the delicate flute of champagne perched between her fingers. Her eyes slid over the pulsing mass of people with pointed disappointment. It was the first year in many that Ruth didn’t have a date to the charity ball. Faye didn’t want her, Imogen had some competition going with Jude, Marco had snatched up lovely Cleo, even Ava… Well, she got the feeling Ava wasn’t ready for that sort of thing yet. Alone. The last few months she had tried so hard to let go of the needless grasping for love and attention, the endless search that only perpetuated her misery, but it had only made her feel so utterly alone. If it weren’t for the warm, inviting glow of the crystal ball that rested at her bedside, she would have given up her new attitude of dis-attachment long before it ever settled in. Instead, she drew her strength from the enlightened crystal, taking solace in its constant friendly energy that lit up the darkest of nights.

On the opposite end of the room, Eduardo and Elizabeth had framed the raised corner stage with thick frilly curtains, the dour colour of a deep red rose, like some prolific opera house stage. Ruth sniffed a short incredulous huff. They could have spent half as much on curtains if they really cared at all about this mental health charity. It was an odd choice for the Marinos, to be quite honest. Her mother and father usually went for more loud charity themes for their yearly ball. Themes like hunger and poverty always brought the big spenders. They avoided anything too political, such as resources for refugees or the more controversial environmental protections. This was, in truth, a political act, after all. It always had been. So what had inspired the unusual choice to talk about “invisible illness”? Where was the money in that?

“Always follow the money, Ruthie.” Elizabeth had told Ruth over and over again. “Money can’t lie to you.”

Ruth’s mother was an old world goddess in new paint, a flame reflected in the cut surface of a diamond, a rare and dangerous creature. She had stalked the fluorescent jungle of hallways at HM Treasury long before her girlhood had blossomed into womanhood. Even at events such as this, when Elizabeth hung on Eduardo’s arm and proudly gloated to the guests about Marco’s latest success, every man in the room wanted her. They dreamed of her, and they feared her. Elizabeth Marino-Hart could make or break any man in the world on a simple whim. So when she stepped out onto the stage, a hush fell over the party guests before she had even turned on the microphone at the podium. She moved with slow, roiling confidence, like a panther in the brush. Delicate grace and smooth, silky power shifted beneath her skin. With a radiant smile that could topple empires, she tucked a thick curl of dark hair back behind her ear. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, friends and colleagues. I am… immensely honored that so many of you have accepted our invitation once again and come to help us on our little mission to make the world a better place.”

As sweet as her mother’s endearing rosy blush was, and her carefully chosen introductory words, Ruth couldn’t help but sigh. It was almost word for word the same speech she’d given the year Ruth and Marco had moved away for uni. Elizabeth glanced back at her husband, standing like a stone monolith at the edge of the stage. “Thank you all for coming. Please, enjoy the array of hors d'oeuvres and our expertly tended bar. You may want to get in there sooner than later as some particularly hungry individuals have been cleaning out the strawberries and goat cheese with fig vinegar parfaits with unprecedented speed.”

On the edge of her vision, Ruth spotted Jude freeze up, loaded spoon poised in his mouth. Shamefully, he chewed, swallowed, and set his parfait on the nearest table like a child caught with his hand in the cookie jar. A rude snort of laughter escaped Ruth’s nose as she tried to stifle her smile behind her hand.

Her mother continued, “But this is not a night for being greedy. As we do every year, we’ve gathered to open our hearts and give freely to those in need. The… heartbreaking pieces of art you see around the room tonight were all donated by an incredible artist for the charity auction this evening. She is giving one hundred percent of the proceeds to benefit our selected mental health organizations, out of the kindness of her heart. Thank you, Ruthie, we’re very proud.” With a soundless, dainty pat of her hands together, Elizabeth encouraged a round of applause from the room. Ruth had heard this speech a dozen times. She told herself it didn’t really mean anything. Every year, they took her art and she was repaid with pride. She didn’t mind, she wanted to support a cause and it was the best way she could. All she wished was that their pride could last a little longer than one night.

“It’s time to introduce our speakers for this year on the theme of mental illness, a tragedy that affects people across the globe from all walks of life. As you all may know, my husband Eduardo will start off our discussions, as he does every year, with his annual statement. I’d like you all to please welcome Eduardo Marino-Hart to the stage.” Elizabeth backed away from the podium. The room rippled with applause, more enthusiastic than the polite applause that had been offered Ruth. Leaning back against the wall, Ruth lifted the champagne to her lips and sucked down a deep gulp. Her father’s speeches were always quite dry and clinical. Facts lined up like ducks at a shooting range. Words like bullets that tore so rapid through the hall that you couldn’t exactly follow where they had come from, yet they still managed to wrap around the brain and subdue the tongue’s ability to fight. Ruth swallowed a stiff lump in her throat as Eduardo lumbered onto the stage. He loomed over the little podium, his broad shoulders casting a mountain-sized shadow. He did not fidget with the chunky rings on his fingers, nor straighten his ornate blue and black silk brocaded tie. He did not even force a smile. Even from across the room, he was just as enormous and foreboding as Ruth remembered him being. A man with fists like solid bricks and a jaw hewn from hard stone. He adjusted the comically small glasses that perched on the bridge of his regal Roman nose and cleared his throat in a deep growl.

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.” He didn’t need the tiny microphone on the podium. When he stood up straight, the podium hardly reached up to his trim waistline. Though his tone was gentle, the booming resonance of his voice rang out easily over the heads of the guests and aloft into the high-vaulted ceiling. He simply had that kind of voice, the kind that commanded attention and drew you in. “Thank you all for coming. Tonight’s charity is a subject very near and dear to my heart. I have been the president of the Marino Aerospace Corporation for over two decades. Our satellites are beaming information to your cell phones every second of every day. Our latest drone jets are circling the planet to protect us while we sleep. I had come to think of myself as invincible. A man who could resolve any problem with ingenuity. I was wrong.”

Ruth’s gaze sharpened with suspicion. This couldn’t be what it sounded like. Her father couldn’t be admitting to a mental illness. It would ruin his career. His company stocks would crash. He’d lose his place on his own governing board. So, why did he sound so uncharacteristically vulnerable?

A nagging tension in her stomach warned her something was terribly wrong.

“This year has been a very challenging one for my family. Pain comes in many forms, and often it keeps itself hidden where you least expect to find it. Throughout their young lives, I had reinforced the values of strength, persistence, and honesty in my children. I am proud of the brilliant and dedicated people they have become, and hope that one day they will leave their impression on the world as I have. Nobody would have expected illness to creep in and deal us the blow that it did this year.”

No, no, no, oh god no, don’t do it. Eduardo, don’t do it. Please. Please stop. I’m not crazy. Don’t tell everyone I’m crazy. Please, please stop-

“Last November, my daughter Ruth attempted to take her own life.”

The welling tension in her stomach dropped into a bottomless pit, like she was on one of those free-fall rides at the fair. Dozens of curious eyes turned in her direction. Ruth could feel the color draining from her face.

“I hope none of you are ever in that position we were in, your child in a hospital bed, hooked up to machines and IV drips, wondering where you went wrong…”

The crystal glass dropped from her shock-loosened fingers. She didn’t even hear it crash, or feel the champagne soaking into the skirt of her dress. All she could hear were the whispers and gasps of sympathy scattering around the room. What a horrible experience that must have been. How unfortunate! Ruth clenched her fists tight and set her jaw. Her skin prickled as she imagined the heat of so many eyes inspecting her, judging her. Poor girl. So sensitive. So fragile.

They don’t know, she told herself. Her fists shook, her muscles coiled all the way up her arms. None of them know what happened. They have no idea.

It didn’t matter. She couldn’t tell them. Then they would lock her up in a hospital for certain.

Calm down. Count to ten… Months of mandatory meditation classes had to be worth something.

“It has been a difficult trial, for all of us. Every day we worry for our daughter’s health, knowing that we cannot understand the darkness that pushed her to such drastic lengths. But there is hope…”

“Shut up! Just shut up!” The words burst from her chest in an unexpected fury before she had even reached the number ten. The screaming inside her could no longer be stifled by carefully forged walls to trap her emotions. It was too loud, too furious. A wordless hurt thundered behind her rib cage. Betrayal—ruthless, cold and razor-sharp—cut through her hardened skin as if it were merely paper.

Her heels crunched on broken glass as she marched toward the emotionless monster she called father. She opened her mouth for the anger to spill from her like tongues of flame, but small hands grasped tight at her arms, tugging her away from the stage and the bright unfeeling spotlights.

@imogenxsong

#imogenxsong #// branded by you // #obv do not match length pls

[artistically-ethereal]

Healthy Emotional Release, getting this off my chest.

First off, dont worry, I’m fine now.

I just have things i need to get off my chest , just a release I’ve sort of been feeling down in the dumps, not feeling motivated, feeling like I’ve sort of came down from where ive been before. I remember being able to do things. Go out with friends, sleepovers, go out with my mom and just do things. Now it seems like a cage, im stuck, trapped and just overall i feel upset with myself, though knowing it’s not my fault and there is nothing i could’ve done. Though i do have myself at fault for a few things. My lack of self motivation, my lack of communication, distracting myself with useless things, letting my time go (waisting it on such silly things), Ive napped longer then i should, escaping into a black pit of no dreams. Though when i dream, it shows me things i want, but can’t have. I’ve distanced myself from people, for a while, pretending i had things to do, in reality i knew i just wouldn’t be able to go or just feel like the “third wheel” in a crowd with plenty, the one that walks behind everyone so i can let people into conversations to not exclude anyone but instead exclude myself. I’ve had more problems with my mom in the past few years than ive ever had, my sister and a good friend of mine being an emotional lifesaver keeping me from drowning in this self hate.Ive tried getting motivation feeling it get dragged out of my grasp from my moms stinging words, unknowing her affect. If i bring it up im bombarded with words of “so? I am an adult i can say what i want im your patent and i have ownership of you im boss” i have no way to put one word in, nothing can be put into her one track mind , she doesnt let people say she’s wrong, her voice had to be louder than mine , im weak and unable to stand up for myself, scared.im Bi, though leaving way more towards a lesbian, my mother is homophobic, but only with her kids, she doesnt care if someone else is gay, just not her kids. I brought it up and there was a great mention of disownership, that id have to choose between her or who i love, i mentioned what she said a year later, she lied saying she didn’t say that, though it was drilled into my mind, i knew she meant it. I am treated like an infant, being watched over not being allowed to leave, I am no older then that of a five year old, craddled at home, just waiting for time to pass till i can reach the next stage of maturity. Ive been unable to support anyone, having been unable to support myself in desperate times, my own mother blames me for her lack of motivation , hoping i do everything for her, but i cant, i get a “you dont do anything”. I do things, i am living, breathing trying to stay alive in a world that has fate trying to exclude me from society, in a more literal sense, i do everything for her. Ill come to her when called even though i was calmly listening to music all the way from my room just to grab a remote that is literally in arms reach away, ill massage her when i am at my most busiest, ill go to the car in freezing weather for her, ill do things for her but in return when I don’t do one thing for her its always a push of blame and a guilt trip of “you dont do anything” , “i gave you life” , “who’s boss still?”. I am honestly scared of my mom, i know when im 18 im free, but im still scared shes my mom , my little bit of retaliation can lead to lots of my pain, it already has once.This year my art has gone down hill, ive found myself doing things last minuet not caring about it as much anymore, wanting to just pull my hair out in frustration knowing i suck, but i dont. I havent painted in my favorite medium, finding a way to punish myself for no reason with out causing physical harm to myself and causing worry, im not sure why i would do this. Ive worn no sweaters in the cold, wash my hair in the morning letting it freeze, have refused to shower at times, let my laces stay untie and let myself trip, i guess ive let myself go, abused myself in subtle ways, not knowing what ive done, not taking care of myself the way i used to, i get sick more than i ever have in the past few years, colds, flus, coughs. I don’t feel great here in this state it emotionally drains me, i used to live in California, i visit and that is when i feel healthy,; taking daily showers , wanting to go outside, cleaning my room, going to recreational places, finding i talk to people easiest there, i know we did this move so i didnt grow up in the bad parts of California, but still i long to be back. I gained some motivation, and i am working harder now, but i feel like i get a mental slap every time ‘someone’ opens her mouth, just turning me down. In a way im scared for the future, knowing it holds a dark path i must trudge through, many battles ill have to face. Turning 18 will be the worste one. Ill start college and have to find a way to get away but still be financially stable. I know ill have a few concrete smooth slabs on this path making it easier, but im just hoping this year isn’t a dissapointment. Im feeling better, getting myself turned around, at least im trying and knowing i have some amazing friends, and have some motivation, ive liked my body a little more and have found my type of things (music, art, sights), ive gotten rid of some emotional toxins in my life, i’ve seperares a bit from someone who’s influenced me so much but hurt me in the end, I’ve learn to observe and do things, im trying and thats all that matters, ive had good times with my family, its just there are things i have to try to handle. Ive decided to make a personal blog to help do a daily log, and vent more often, im taking care of myself more.

This honestly was hard to write and hard to post, but im happy that i did.

And really im fine im doing better.

DONT ANY OF YOU CALL SAFE TO TELL, BECAUSE I ALWAYS HAVE A FEAR THAT ILL BE TAKEN AWAY FROM THEM, because when i was 5 i was a daredevil and always hurt myself while playing and was sent to the hospital so many times im on a record for child services when really is me being not save and im afraid one slip and ill leave my family. Im the most different one in the family, i know is hard but I’m almost there, i feel better now than i have in the last few years. Thank you, and once again I AM FINE. Im not looking for help, or a reader just to help myself calm

#me #myself #my post #emotional #im fine

[cgpsimpromptu-blog]

Psychick (Pt. 2)

by Ben Togut

I awake in a green reclining chair in a whitewashed room smelling harshly of antiseptic. How cliché. The three small clocks above the door create a cacophonous ticking that make my head spin and my skin crawl. Finally, a fat nurse opens the door, waddles toward me, and starts interrogating me like the goddamn CIA.

“Name?

“Vera.”

“Vera what?

“Black. Vera Black.”

“Date of birth?”

“Why?”

She scowls at me before repeating herself.

“October 18th, 1977.”

“Next of kin?”

“Do I count?”

“Do you have anyone you’d like us to call? Your mother?”

“Yeah, like she’d take a three-hour flight to see me.”

“Father?”

“I don’t know my father.”

“Well, we have to release you to somebody.”

“I’m a grown ass adult. I can take care of myself.”

“Miss, you just had a concussion. We’re required to release you to somebody.”

I play dead, because I hear that helps if you want to avoid people, or make them shut up. It works, because she sighs and closes the door. How the hell am I going to get out of here? If no one shows up to get me, will they ever let me out? I need to get out before I lose it. As my head continues throbbing, I stare at the ceiling for hours. When the lights in the hallway are finally dimmed, I rip out the IV and slowly slink out of the reclining chair and into the empty hallway, my hand gliding across the right wall to try to find an exit. Blood from where the IV was inserted into my arm paints the wall as I stumble in the darkness. Finally, I enter the waiting room, which is bathed in harsh, white light, and the contrast almost blinds me. Suddenly, all eyes are immediately focused on me. I quicken my pace, making a beeline for the door. Out of nowhere, a security guard grabs me firmly by the wrist.

“Miss, where do you think you’re going?”

I smirk at him, before delivering a right jab to his ribs, causing him to double over, as I run out of the waiting room and into the invigorating night air.

After sprinting for what seems like hours, with the hospital far behind me, I pause to stop wheezing and gather my breath. The blood in my head is pulsing, and some blood from the bandage trickles down my forehead before pooling at my chin. I follow the dirt path before me through clumps of evergreens; my feet caked with dead leaves and damp soil. Suddenly, harsh light pierces my vision. I find myself at the edge of a large highway. The neon reds and yellows of car lights cars speed by me. Vera. Pain blossoms in my head, and he’s there again. Vera. I grasp the trunk of a lamppost, pressing my face onto its cool surface. Vera. With my arms fully stretched in both directions, I stride onto the highway. Belligerent drivers honk and swerve around me. By some miracle, I manage to cross the road unscathed. My eyes closed, I stumble in the grass on the opposite side of the highway with my arms stretched in front of me. My feet touch down on rough, textured pavement. I feel a hand grasp my wrist, and immediately jerk my neck upwards, my eyes straining open. The old man places a hand on my shoulder and asks, “Miss, are you alright?” I let out a high-pitched laugh before stroking his face with my fingertips.    “C’mon,” he replies, leading me past what seems like a gas station and into the bright lights of the mini mart.

“Do you have a… a phone?”

“There’s a payphone right outside.”

With three unstable strides, I reach the payphone. I dig into the pocket of my jacket, pressing four, frigid quarters into the palm of my hand before inserting them into the slot. After frantically entering in a number, I clutch the phone to my ear.

“Hello? Who is this,” answers a wispy voice.

“Who do you think it is?”

“Vera? Do you realize what time it is?”

“You said I could call anytime.”

“It’s 1:30 in the morning, Vera. Jesus.”

“I need to talk to you.”

“Come in tomorrow and we can discuss this.”

“I won’t be there tomorrow. I’m going away.”

“Vera-”

“I’m going away. I’m going to find him.”

“Who?”

“Him. My dad.”

“Vera, as your therapist, I do not approve of this decision.”

“It’s funny that you think, you with your big Ph.D. and awful fashion sense, that you know what’s best for me. You don’t! I figured it out, and I’m going to find him. Don’t you realize, this whole time it's been him, he’s the voice.”

“Vera, right now you’re in a fragile mental state. Your judgment is severely impaired.”

“I don’t care what my mother said, about it not being a good decision to meet him. Blah blah blah! Screw her! I’m going to Denver!” I slam the phone down before he can say another word. I pull out the crumpled slip of paper from my pocket with the address, 1080 Walnut Street, Denver, Colorado, written in charcoal drawing pencil. Ever since my mother gave it to me ten years ago, I have made it a habit to always carry around his address, in case the longing brewing within me became unbearable, and I couldn’t stand not knowing him for another second. But now, standing at the edge of the highway, I am the most stuck I have ever been in my life, knowing exactly where to go but having no way of getting there. With no better plan, I start walking, past the gas station, past the madness. As the lights of cars blur by me, I keep walking, the sky appearing more like a painting than something of reality. The brilliant crimsons and mauves of dawn explode into the dazzling cerulean of morning, and here I am, thumb extended to drivers who wouldn’t let me have a ride if their life depended on it. Although my body feels frozen and laced with ice, my muscles burn and ache, and it’s not long before I’m gritting my teeth with every step, the blisters on my feet scraping against the harsh pavement. Thunder explodes above me, streaks of lightning rippling through the sky. Covering my ears with my hands, I scream out into the void.

I am awakened by the sound of a gentle voice. “Miss, are you alright?” Blinding light floods my senses.

“Sure,” I respond, my eyes still closed.

“Is there any way I can help you?”

“No…. Wait, do you have a car?”

    Turns out Joe is a trucker. An all-American, KFC-obsessed trucker with a severe nicotine addiction. Trust me, I know all about him. Throughout the ride, he doesn’t stop rambling on and on and on about his pathetic little farm boy life. It’s like watching Duck Dynasty and being handcuffed to the seat, powerless to avoid the stream of verbal diarrhea and cultivated ignorance. He’s on his way to Boulder for a potato conference, five miles outside of Denver, and has agreed to drop me off at the city limits. While he continues ranting, I rest my face against the glass of the window, watching the passing landscape gradually become more rugged. The farther south we travel, the more the trees seem to disappear, making the air drier and harder to breathe. After hours of what feels like imprisonment in the truck, I am restless and miserable, and keep having to kick my feet against the dashboard to stop them from falling asleep. Joe doesn’t seem to mind. He seems cheery as ever, after blasting banjo music and singing along to his favorite redneck bands for the past few hours. When Dolly Parton’s “I Will Always Love You” comes on the radio, he gets really worked up, proceeding to sing the chorus in a grating, unbearable voice. Despite the echoes of Joe’s haunting falsetto, I somehow manage to fall asleep.

A man sits in the corner of a dark room, illuminated by the pale flame of a long, thin candle. Something about him seems vaguely familiar, yet distant and uninviting. His eyes pierce right through me, making the acid rise in my stomach. “Hello, Vera.” From his left hand dangles a female puppet, which he makes twitch and dance with the slightest movement of his fingers. As I near the marionette, a sense of foreboding courses through me as its familiar features come into focus. Its chocolate-colored hair and blistered feet send a kind of wild electricity down my spine. My body is paralyzed, eyes fixed to this all too realistic woman. “Boo,” he whispers into my ear, causing me to fall backward and bang my head on the hard wooden floor. He erupts into a fit of laughter, and then the candle is extinguished. I wake up with a start.

“Whoa,” Joe shouts. “What happened to you?”

“Just a bad dream.”

“An IHOP is coming up in a few miles. We should stop and eat.” Half an hour later, we are parked outside of a small line of stores on the side of the highway. Since I have no appetite, I take the opportunity to walk around and stretch my legs while Joe eats. Jesus, I swear I almost got a blood clot from being held up in that truck for hours. The rocks in the pavement bury themselves into the scabs in my feet, making me scream out into the ruins of suburbia. Finally, I spot a message from God: a Payless. I get black tennis shoes, which are ugly as hell but so damn comfortable.

Joe is surprisingly quiet for the rest of the day, lolling in his carbohydrate daze, and before sunset we reach Colorado. My eyes paint the passing road with the words I have not yet spoken, spoken to him. The almost three days on the road have been three days too long. I need to find him now. Joe pulls over to the side of the road just outside of Boulder to stop for the night, and before long he’s out cold. Rifling through the glove compartment for the hell of it, my fingers brush across something cool and metallic. Grabbing it, I sneak out of the truck and cross to the other side of the quiet road, pressing the gun against my head and pretending to shoot. Boom. I double over with hyena-like laughter. Like I’d ever kill myself. Ha!

With labored steps, I walk toward the bright lights ahead, my eyes making out the outline of a bus stop in the distance. As I take the gun off safety, an almost mystical sense of power and control courses through me. I’m not Vera. No, right now I’m Superwoman: a gritty goddess with the searing vengeance of a thousand yellow jackets. After arriving at the bus stop, I sit down, pulling the hood of my jacket over my head to avoid being seen.

“Who are you dressed as?” an elderly woman with long silver hair and chestnut eyes asks me.

“What?”

“It’s Halloween. Who are you dressed as? Jessica Jones? I mean I just figured, with the gun and all.”

“Who’s that?” I respond before quickly tucking the gun into the right pocket of my jacket.

“Oh, she’s an interesting character from this wonderful new series on Netflix. I first saw it with a man named Harvey; we matched on Plenty of Fish...”

Before she can finish, the bus approaches us, screeching to a halt. As I get on, I pray that it is going in the right direction as I stare out the window at the falling snow. "I hear there’s going to be a blizzard." As the woman from before sits down next to me, continuing her little directionless story, I push past her and towards the front of the bus, sitting down on the floor next to the driver’s seat. He turns to me, giving me a quizzical expression.

“Miss, what are you doing?”

“So where are we going?”

“Edgewater.”

“Yeah... I need to go to Walnut Street."

"Miss, I can't just take you anywhere you want."

I reach into the pocket of my coat before placing a hundred-dollar bill in his lap.

"I'm sorry, but I can't accept bribes."

My hand dives back into my coat before taking out an additional four hundred.

"Fine."

    An hour later, I get off the bus, now filled with puzzled passengers, and knock on my father’s door. A middle-aged woman with vivid rose lipstick and frizzy blond hair opens the door in her pajamas.

“Hello? Who are you? Do you know how late it is?”

“Hi. I’m looking for Calvin Peterson.”

“How exactly do you know my husband?”

“Let’s just say he’s an old friend.”

“Alright...” she responds, her shifty eyes seeming to examine every bone and muscle in my face. “Cal works the night shift at Cork, which is a little ways down the road. It’s to the left of the gas station. You can’t miss it.”

I stride away without looking back or thanking her for the directions. A few minutes later, the gas station comes into view. A strange silence pervades the snowy air, and there is no one in sight. Next to the gas station, a red neon sign with the word Cork flashes above the entrance to a small bar. Inviting myself in, I step inside as the wind chimes above the door jingle harshly.

“Hello? Who’s there?” asks a coarse voice from behind the dark bar. “It’s two in the morning. We close at two every night. Everybody knows that.”

“I’m actually not interested in alcohol at the moment,” I retort, coasting gradually to the bar. “I wanted to talk to you.”

“Oh yeah? What for?” The man flicks a switch, filling the room with the glow of fluorescent lights. My father is a tall, wiry man in his early sixties, his skin weathered and tan from years of living in the Southwest.

“Does the name Geraldine Black ring a bell?”

“Geraldine? How do you know Geraldine?”

“She’s my mother.”

“Wait are you....... Vera?”

“No, she had another child whose father left her.”

“Vera,” he says, reaching out his hand, which I slap away.

“Don’t touch me, you monster! It’s all your fault.”

“Why did you come all this way if you’re just going to call me names?”

“I wouldn’t have. Honestly, I wouldn’t have wasted my time. But then one day it all made sense, after all those years of useless medication, that I’m not crazy. It’s you.”

“What do you mean it’s me?”

“It’s you. You’re the voice in my head.”

“Jesus Christ. You know what? You’re just as crazy as I thought you’d be. Why the hell do you think I left? It wasn’t your mother. It was you. Even then, when you were three, I knew you were just like her, my mother. She heard ghosts in her head, and after a while nothing she ever said made sense. I left her, and I had to leave you. People like you just imprison everyone around them. I think I’ve had enough of you for one lifetime. Good night and get out.”

“Ha. Make me.”

With one fell swoop, he picks me up, throws me over his shoulder, and carries me out of the bar and toward the gas station. Shrill screams erupt from deep within me, and giving up, he finally puts me down.

“Get yourself a cab,” he growls at me, pointing to a nearby phone booth.

“I don’t think so,” I snap back, pulling the trucker’s gun out of my coat and pointing it at him, steadying it with both hands.

“You’re not in your right mind. Give me the gun,” he responds, walking towards me. With that, I pull the trigger, sending a bullet right through his head. For a few minutes, all is still, and silence is by my side. Then I hear static in the back of my mind, like a radio stuck forever between two channels. Laughter pierces the static, and then I hear him again. Oh Vera. What a silly girl you are. You thought it was our pathetic little nobody of a father. I’m so much stronger than he ever was. You’ll never run away from me. You must know who I am now. Look in the snow. Through the dim light, I can just make out the words “never forget” spelled out in a gasoline rainbow around my father’s body.  Suddenly, the finality of it all comes crashing down around me, and I can’t breathe.

“See you in hell,” I respond, before putting the barrel of the gun to the roof of my mouth and squeezing the trigger.

    Snow sugarcoated the towering evergreens. My father lay sprawled on the cool pavement; his limbs twisted beyond recognition, forming an ironic snow angel in the dusted fluff, a pained expression on his ghostly face. My body lay beside him. Finally, there is silence.

#btogut #serial #psychick