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#ive been rambling a lot today idk if any of it is making any sense
kokitschi · 6 months
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*not (necessarily) in a ship kind of way. as in you enjoyed the interactions between these two.
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corpsoir · 1 year
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(feel free to ignore if this is an uncomfortable ask)
Is Kjell transphobic, was that a factor in Lovarts life before his dad left?
its fine to ask i get the curiosity!! kjell is a shitty person so i get that the thought is there
but i've actively chosen to not incorporate any transphobia in my stories because i have enough of it in real life, so no it isnt part of any of their lives 👍 my tags accidentally turned into a ramble on this sorry lol
#ive spent a lot of time thinking about this actually#i just dont want to incorporate that in my characters because . it would just make me upset lol#i understand why others write about it and i enjoy reading stories where characters face the same struggles like i do and have done#i just dont feel like putting that in my characters and stories because in a way they are me you know#like. for example ive been thinking about whenever my characters came out and how that was dealt with#and i like to imagine them being trans has only been a happy and fun part of their lives#because for me that wasnt always the case#so i want to explore what it wouldve been like if things wouldve played out the way i wouldve wanted#if this makes any sense.....#idk. like... i like to imagine them having had access to blockers and hormones whenever they were ready for it etc#since that wasnt the case for me when i came out as a kid who wouldve been eligible for blockers! idk#like. when i came out i specifically asked my therapist about blockers and i was basically shut down about it#i didnt dare talking about it with an adult again until years later when i had already gone thru puberty and im still mad about it today lo#my characters are very close to my heart and a lot of things i put into them and their stories are very personal to me#im rambling but basically i just dont feel like putting transphobia in my stories because why would i. literally why would i lol. you feel?#transphobia mention#<- just in case#corps.oc#ask
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aleks!! i am dropping by with some good music and new year wishes! 🎶🎉 thank you so much for being part of my 2023 🥹 ive said it before but i swear i think ure so funny 😭 i also adore you for just being so real!! and so knowledgeable abt so many things 🥹 u r so cool!!!
as a year end pick, my favourite read from you is: yan yuuta... omg (i still have yet!! to go thru the rest of ur masterlist but!!) i swear... i wouldnt love yuuta this much now if not for u... and also... i have to pause every paragraph reading yan yuuta bc my heart races so much hELP
if i may ask!! 🥺 (pls feel free not to answer if uncomfy!!) how was 2023 for you? what’s a favourite thing (anything) you discovered this year? do you have any reflections from the past year? any resolutions for the next? 🥹
Hi sel !!!! Thank u for coming to the inbox today :>
yan!yuuta makes me a little crazy… I luv him !!! I’ve been writing more (slower than I wanted to but it’s coming!) pls look forward to it ^^
2023 was a crazy year!!! I have a new job, I bought a house 😭 I’m in such a different place now than where I was a year ago and it wasn’t planned or anything… up until we applied for the loan I wasn’t expecting a buy a house this year 😅 but I’m happy especially with the new job it’s like a dream job for me !! I’ve been applying to this company on and off for years so it feels unreal to be here now..
I think over the last year i feel like I’ve become more in tune with myself? Idk if that makes sense. But your 20s are a weird time with lots of change and lots of relationships that come and go. But I feel like I’m in a more solid state now? Like I don’t anticipate moving or changing jobs until my 30s so I guess it feels like I’ve grown out of a tumultuous period in my life? Idk if that makes any sense. But it’s kind of like—now I have this job that I like. And I have a house. So what’s next? There’s nothing major left to change. Except maybe having a baby or something. But I don’t think I’m ready for that right now so…
LOL I’m rambling I guess. But 2023 feels like I’ve arrived at a destination kind of feeling. Or like a chapter has ended and a new chapter started. And now that I’m here idk what to do. Maybe just work on my hobbies… or find a new interest? Or maybe try to save up and travel? Idk. Like the goal before was buying a house. Now what?
Maybe I’ll make fitness my next goal? I wanna get in better shape before attempting to have a baby so maybe I might make that my goal this year. Haha
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ghostlynimbus00 · 2 years
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((AU where s3 doesn't happen, because i don't like it))
The summer following graduation Steve ends up getting kicked out by his dad after an argument and ends up living out of his car for a while.
Billy is (somehow) the first person to notice and is just
???
"pretty boy why the fuck are you living out of your car, aren't you like... rich?"
and steve sulkily (bc he's expecting to be made fun of) responds that "no my dad is rich, I'm just a minimum wage retail slave"
and then billy feels like he's gotta do a whole bunch of mental gymnastics to try and find a definitely straight and not weird way to convince Steve to get an apartment with him (neither can afford one on their own)
((and maybe make it omegaverse for extra flavor))
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jihoonluvarchive · 6 years
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#oh look its me. once again here to ramble#anyways my depression sessions give me a whole lot of time to think#like once i get past the real bad thoughts anyway this ramble doesnt#really have anything to do with that sweet breakdown. anyway i like tried to take#time away from my blog for the most part of today#bc i just didnt want to be on here or anything and like honestly the only thing#/group should i say that made me wanna post again was nct#and its not for any particular reason? i just felt for comfortable returning to them?#that doesnt make sense but i know what i mean#and if im being honest? im not enjoying being in the carat fandom?#like i havent for the whole comeback smth has put me off#and like thats the 2nd time this year in just a few months?#its hardly ever happened in the whole 3+ years ive been in the fandom?#i cant exactly put it all into words properly but yeah?#i havent had fun on this blog for this comeback in comparison to previous comebacks#and tbh that short period where i swapped my focus to nct was so refreshing#and fun idk what the exact difference is#maybe bc its partially all a new fandom to me bc even though ive loved#nct since debut i never really got into the fandom until this year#and then i distanced myself again#and now im just ??#bc i feel detached from the svt fandom too 😞#anyway maybe tonight i'll kinda switch my focus from svt for a bit#it's not even the group ? just smth uncomfy i feel in the fandom#ughh worss#*words#text post#personal
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humbugg · 3 years
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does anybody else ever feel like they cant have more than one internet at a time bc if they have two or more Interests at a time and cant devote their full attention to both then u feel guilty bc ur neglecting ur other interests??? or am i mentally unwell??
#this literally makes no sense bc idk how to articulate thing#like for example i play the sims 4 every day or at least i did bc i love the game but i recently got another game that ive been playing#and i feel like my brain is so black and white bc i tell myself ‘i wanna play the witcher’ and then i go ‘oh no what about the sims i am#neglecting my sims and i cant just play both games today?? no that would be a logical solution’#like wtf is wrong with me#is this just anxiety?#this feels so silly tho#i do it with a lot of things tho#like i want to watch youtube or netflix but also read a book or some other ahit but i also dont want to do any of that#my brain is too busy#pls calm down#rambles#but seriously i javent played the sims in a few days bc ive been playing the witcher 3 and i feel like other simmers would be fine with this#bc i think a lot of ppl only casually play but thats not me luv#i just really like building ok#and i got this new mod and i havent been able to really try it out fully ugh#ok i sound very entitled rn but i got the game for free in 2019 and have invested hundreds of dollars in it since then so im gonna fuckin#play the game???#i play on our family pc and i never spend more than a couple hours at a time on it bc other ppl might need it and i think thats why my brain#wont let me play two games in one day?? i play at night too bc i dont wanna interact with my family#i have issues with feeling like a burden perhaps#please ignore this post omg#ik nobody reads these anyways and i post on tumblr for funsies but like#if ur reading this then no u didnt ❤️
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sicjimin · 3 years
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🍼Hyuna's Little Family ; Prequel 🍼
A.N : heushdjshds thank u @yooniestummy for giving me this idea of a .. prequel? of Hyuna's little family where Yoongi got pregnant of Hyuna ! i am myself didn't realize that I haven't write about this before sjshjss once again thank u for the adorable ideas :D ((planning to make pt 2 . like a short fic. but .. idk :") )
TW : emeto, mpreg
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"Hyung.. what is this", Jimin rasps, slowly opening his eyes when he feels the older snuggles closer to him, completely burying his head on the younger neck, making Jimin giggle in the process as his blonde hair tickles.
" Good morning hyung", Jimin whispers, running his fingers through Yoongi's freshly bleached hair. The latter hums slightly at the contact, his warm breath ghosting over Jimin's skin, making goosebumps rise all around.
"What makes you so clingy this morning", Jimin mumbles, a small smile tugging on his lips.
Yoongi just huffs in response, squeezing Jimin tightly in his arms. "I feel off", he mumbled.
Jimin raises his eyebrows at this, "Off how?". He questions softly.
"I feel so nauseous", the older says, tightening his hold once more around Jimin, as if it would help him feel better and calm his coiling nausea down a bit.
He felt the younger stiffen under his grasp, not daring to move away from his embrace for fear that Yoongi would get even more sickened. "You're sick?", Jimin asks quietly, a frown etched on his face.
"Yeah", the elder says simply before releasing Jimin's arm in favor of rolling to his side and curling up into himself, facing away from Jimin. "Like I'm going to throw up any second now", the elder answers, groaning and rubbing his face in hopes of relieving some discomfort in his abdomen.
" Do you want anything that might help hyung?" The younger asks gently and gently runs his hand through Yoongi's soft locks again, hoping to ease the older some more with these touches.
Jimin continues running his hand through the silky locks until he finally hears a quiet, yet weak 'No', come out of the elder's mouth.
"Just stay here until this nausea lessens", Yoongi huffs out.
Jimin nods. "Okay".
Their cuddle session didn't last long as few minutes later Yoongi gave up and run to the bathroom, holding back a gag. Jimin watches worriedly as the elder pukes his guts out.
" Let it out hyung", he says soothingly, walking towards Yoongi and placing his hands on Yoongi's shaking shoulders, giving a gentle massage there as floodgates of dinner they eat last night flowing from Yoongi's lips.
The eldest lets a loud whine slip from his throat when the particular harsh wave hits him, almost send him to fall flat to the bowl as it feels like his stomach squeezing all his dinner comes out in one big stream. He coughs and shudders, "Fuck that was nasty", he mutters as he wipes his mouth on the back of his hand and staring blankly at the murky water.
"Are you done hyung?"
Yoongi shakes his head, before huffing and decided to flush the toilet, "For now .. i think. My stomach still feel queasy but i dont think I have any more left to throw up" he answers softly before standing up and walking slowly to his room, his head spinning a little.
"Are you sure you're okay? You don't seem very well", Jimin questioned, worry evident in his voice. " Let's just stay home?"
"No .. we have recording today. and i still have songs that I need to work on", Yoongi states. He chuckles when he sees his boyfriend pout, complete with his eyebrow furrowed in disagreement. "You're so cute", Yoongi says before kissing the younger forehead. "I will be fine, kay? I'm feeling better"
---
True to his words, he actually felt better as the day goes by. He manages to do recording and some photoshoots well, and Jimin has seemed relaxed and brushing this morning's commotion when he sees no sign of sickness from Yoongi.
Yoongi sighs as he types the passcode to his studio. He feels exhausted. Like, the type of after-dance-practice exhaustion, when in fact he barely move a lot today. He runs his fingers through his blonde locks, turning on the air conditioner, his scented candles, along with his computer, and plop himself to the chair. Ready to dive into his work.
He was about to open his second file when he feels the room become suffocating with sweetness. He scrunched his nose, is it his scented candles? But he had that for a long time and he always loved the smell of it, not once it makes his stomach churn. He takes another sniff of the air, trying to identify its scent but nothing was coming up except with the sweet aroma, and he feels his stomach hitched.
"What the hell?" He murmurs quietly, closing his eyes as nausea now clouding him like a wet blanket. He stands up slowly and turns off the candle. He tries to breathe through his nose, but it didn't help much.
It feels like the smell has latched on his nose. A strong sense of dizziness and nausea takes over and the boy quickly rushes to the trashcan in the corner of his desk. Immediately burp out clear liquid.
He stares blankly at the trash that is now coated with his vomit. Shocked with how fast everything happens. Did he just throw up because of .. candles?
He didn't get to entertain the thought when his stomach twists again. Yoongi pitches forward, ducked his head deeper along with thicker liquid gurgling up from his throat. He clutches his stomach, as another round of brown liquid rushing after, adding the weight of the trashcan on his lap. Yoongi shuddered as he could taste the remnant of his breakfast that mixed with bile, making him burp out more.
Yoongi pants after throwing up his stomach content two more rounds, wiping his lips and placing the trashcan back.
He walks to the couch and flops onto it, letting out heavy breaths. Closing his eyes as exhaustion start creeping on his body.
"Hyung! Let's have lunch!", Jimin calls from outside the studio, followed by a beeping sound from the lock not long after and the sound of door opened, causing the older to open his eyes and look at him, a tired expression painted across his pale features.
The younger looks at his hyung with a frown on his face and concern laced inside those brown orbs of his. "Are you feeling okay?", he asked.
Yoongi just groans as he pulls Jimin in for a hug.
Jimin hugs back immediately and rubs soothing circles at his back with his hand. Yoongi leans into Jimin, taking deep breaths as he tries to control his breathing.
"Hyung? what's wrong?"
"Just puke .."
"What!?" Jimin asks, pulling away abruptly, confusion written all across his features.
Yoongi groans again at the sudden movement jostling his stomach. "It's okay baby. Just.. don't.. worry about it"
"What makes you throw up? You said you were feeling better!", Jimin retorted.
Yoongi sighs deeply and pulls away from the younger. "I don't know! I was working and then the smell of candles making me nauseous!" , he rambles, getting more agitated with each word.
Jimin features softened, but it quickly turned into a frown when he heard Yoongi mention the scented candles. "But you love that scent hyung"
"I know", Yoongi sighs. " Maybe my stomach still hasn't felt well and the candles just trigger me"
Jimin frowns, "Do you want to take test hyung?"
"What test?", Yoongi asks lazily, leaning his head back to Jimin's shoulder.
The younger rolls his eyes, "The pregnancy test, hyung"
"What?", Yoongi pulls away, " Why should i?"
"The sign is their hyung! You were throwing up this morning and the candles! You never get sick and then now?"
Yoongi scoffs, "It only been one day, Jimin. What if it's just a stomach bug?"
"What if it's not?", Jimin challenges, raising his brow at his boyfriend.
Yoongi growls lowly in response, glaring at Jimin, "I'm not having this conversation with you. Go ahead with your lunch, i'm not eating"
Jimin opens his mouth but hesitates for a while, looking down and avoiding Yoongi's glare. After some hesitation, he nods. "Fine", he whispers. And with that Jimin leaves, walking out of the room, shutting the door and locking it.
Yoongi lets out another grunt of frustration. Fuck this sickness!
---
Jimin and Yoongi were the most stubborn person in the group. They become a couple was truly a surprise. So it didn't shake them at all when he sees the couple giving cold shoulder with each other for few days. They even sleep with back facing each other, even though they will wake up on each other arms. But they haven't uttered an apologize. They pride was just too big. And Yoongi was feeling better, sometimes he skipped dinner or lunch saying that he feels nauseous and not up for eating, but no more throwing up.
---
Day 2 of their silent fight, Jimin turns his gaze from his phone when he sees the door opened, " Hobi hyung?"
Hoseok plop beside him, "Whats up with Yoongi hyung?"
"Whats up with him?"
"He's throwing up downstairs", Hoseok explains and then continues, " We were about to cook lunch with Jin-hyung and then he just feel sick and now Jin-hyung is taking care of him"
Jimin's eyes widen, and before he knows it, he already scrambled from the bed and goes downstairs.
"Yoongi-hyung", he calls out at sitting on the couch, his hand babying a cup of warm tea Seokjin just made. He sniffles as he looks up at Jimin that walks towards him. He stays silent. His throat hurts after the throwing up he just did.
"Did you get sick again?", Jimin asks softly. His heart clenched at how sick Yoongi look. His lips were pale and cheeks flushed, and he could see trace of tears from his cheeks. Yoongi nods. "Yeah"
"How many times have you thrown up?"
Yoongi looks at the floor, "One, but ive been feeling nauseated all morning"
Jimin hums, nodding slightly, he can see the elder was holding back his tears. "I'm tired, Minnie"
Hearing that, Jimin moves closer to his hyung and wraps his arms around the other and holds him close, stroking his hair with the other hand. "I'm sorry hyungie, for giving you cold shoulders when you're feeling bad"
Yoongi sighs deeply as he pulls back from the embrace and grabs Jimin's wrist. "You didn't give me cold shoulder. I've been acting rude to you lately too", he pulls away, " i think i will take your suggestions"
"What?"
"The pregnancy test", Yoongi mumbled shyly. " I've brought it this morning. I dont think some bugs would last this long. So i think there's no harm in checking, right?"
Jimin's eyes brighten as he wrapping his arm around him. Yoongi chuckles and pulls Jimin closer to him and lays his head on the other's chest. "lets take it tonight, okay? dont tell the others, i dont want them to make a fuss if the result is negative"
"Okay hyungie", Jimin beams, smile still wide on his face. " Now do you want something to eat? You just throw up"
Yoongi pouts, grimace with the mention of putting something in his mouth that makes his stomach churn, "Later, i think i need to puke, again", he says as he clamping his mouth, trapping a gag, and walk down to the bathroom. Again.
---
"So?", Jimin sits on the edge of bed, has been feeling jittery after Yoongi goes off to the bathroom, for puking his dinner and for taking the pregnancy test.
Yoongi walks and plops beside him, still sniffling. Jimin couldnt tell if it's because of he just throw up or because of the test.
" Hyung, what is it. You make me anxious", Jimin
says worriedly and reaches forward, wiping the sweat trickling down his hyung forehead.
"Its not", Yoongi mumbles quietly.
Jimin sits up straighter, resting his back against the wall behind. "Well, that's okay", Jimin shrugs, "Let's rest? today must be—"
"Its not negative, Minnie"
Jimin halts. "What?"
Yoongi grins, "I got a positive result".
Jimin gasps, " What?"
Yoongi chuckles, showing the stick on his palms.
"Really!? Really?! You mean it?".
Yoongi laughs lightly as Jimin pulls him into a hug, "Yeah, I'm pregnant"
"I love so much hyung", Jimin says happily and nuzzles his nose into the crook of the elder neck.
Yoongi chuckles breathlessly and returns the hug, burying his face in Jimin's hair.
" How are we gonna tell the others?", Jimin breaks the silence between them, happiness still shimmering in their blood. Yoongi shifts, turning his body to face his boyfriend.
"Let them be confused for a while", Yoongi mumbles. " I can't bear having 6 person fussing over me when i throw up because i know they will be more protective and all", he adds. Remembering the time he got appendicitis and every member did not leave for a second when he got home after his surgery if it's not because their manager dragged them for a schedule.
Jimin laughs, "You do you, baby" .
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robinisaghost · 3 years
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animatic ideas :0 (ramble away, i would love to hear them!!)
mk thank you for enabling me, i will now be yelling
anyway
this is gonna be so obnoxiously long i am so sorry
can you add read more's on asks? eeeekkkk because this got so damn long lmao
mild dsmp spoilers obviously
this is the playlist, by the way
-im sorry boris (wilbur soot)
i think it would work really well with mmm slightly post lmanburg niki. andby slightly i mean. well when she leaves (that is the whole thing of the song gdfjkhgsdf) also side note at like 1 minute 11 on that song theres a discord notification really subtly in the background and it makes me paranoid every time i hear it. anyway god its such a nice song. even for just like. the end of lmanburg. not necesarily paired with a character, just the sense of leaving a place that was so highly populated before it got blown up twice and was like. the main part of the smp. yeah. anyway also the lines "they'll knock down the pubs before helping you...they'll let you jump under trains before helping you" yeah those four lines have big niki vibes but also i think the song could work well with exile tommy or actually even with the finale when tubbo is about to sacrifice himself? mmmmm yeah
-this is home (cavetown)
mmmm got exile tommy vibes innit. a lot of these have exile tommy vibes tbf i just like sad songs and also exile tommy. plus the song has a lot of like. the message is sort of like. changing yourself to appeal to others? like with "ill cut my hair to make you stare" but also the repeated thing of "ill figure out a way to get us out of here" which is clearly the main character of the song trying to help everyone when they are clearly not in a good way themself. yeah thats got big tommy vibes in general tbh but more like. pre finale tommy. i think he got a bit more independant after that.
-soldier poet king (the oh hellos)
ok this is self explanatory and has been done to death already but d a m n its kinda funky. anyway i had thoughts and actually started this but then lost motivation and deleted it all lmaooo. the only proof of its existance is a shitty storyboard in my draw which will hopefully never see the light of day again (unless anyone wants to see it :eyes:) anyway i had the thought of like. sbi? so soldier techno poet wilbur and king tommy. but tbf tommy and techno are kinda interchangeable with that, cos while techno is obviously the better fighter, tommy is used a lot, especially in lmanberg era and also i think he probably will be now that wilburs back
-pyjama pants (cavetown)
ok so i honestly dont remember why this is on the playlist but tbf this could go well with a bunch of characters. thinking like. phil and wilbur? or wil and tommy, or tubbo and ranboo are two that like. i know for a fact that i did not put the song on the playlist specifically for them but god thinking about it now it works so well with them
-boys will be bugs (cavetown)
OH BOY THERES A LOT OF CAVETOWN ON HERE HUH (i feel like that probably says something about me but shhhhhh we dont need to talk about that) ANYWAY
I think this could probably work really well with tommy? because of the whole like. trying really hard to come across as not caring about others, but really being like. very vunerable. but at the same time it could go really well with wilbur for the same reasons. also the song fucks ok cant deny it. to be fair i think it works better with tommy, because he's younger and also he really likes bugs (unless i am mistaken) which is just a cool coincidence but still)
-brother (kodaline)
FUCKKKKKKKKKKK THIS WORKS SO WELL WITH SO MANY CHARACTERS AND IS ALSO ***SO ANGSTY*** WHAT
anyway
i added it because of tommy and tubbo because holy shit, but also it could work very very well with wilbur and tommy, techno and wilbur, probably techno and tommy, and oh my god i just thought of this but this would work so well with phil and techno!!!! but yeah i originally thought tommy and tubbo because i thought it was a funny coincidence with exile tommy waking up underwater, and theres a line that says "if you were drowned at sea, id give you my lungs so you could breathe" and like. just thinking about the compasses especially. me gusta.
-feel better (penelope scott)
fundy. that is all.
no ok this works well with fundy but also probably karl sapnap and quackity, and also very much wilbur, like it works well with both. just mainly fundy idk why its got big fundy vibes tho. very poggers.
-as the world caves in (matt maltese)
ok but like this goes very very well with the explosions of lamberg. either of them. i think probably the first one is better, but i think it goes well with both. probably the first one, because it was way more emotional i think? cos it was the first time that their homes had been destroyed and everything, but also because it was so personal, because wilbur was the one who did it. i think that also it would work well if it was set during the explosion but also focussed on different facets? so like. one bit about wilburs perspective, one bit about tommys, one about phils, one about fundys maybe? idk just a bunch of lmaburg citizens' povs for this. its good. as the world caves in is a song that can be so gender tbh.
-do you hear the people sing? (les mis)
obvious obvious obvious...... but like..... also tbh it goes well with a bunch of things. like, mmmmm wilbur in pogtopia. the butcher army. lmaburg independance war (obviously ghdskj) but yeah. also this song just goes so hard like b r u h
-wolf in sheeps clothing (set it off, william beckett)
SO MANY OF THESE ARE LIKE. PRETTY OBVIOUS IF YOUVE HEARD THE SONG
but yeah. it would go so well with like. well any betrayal basically. so eret, from tommys pov maybe, or about wilbur from nikis pov, or wilbur from anyone pov tbf, or quackity from charlie/purpled/foolish/sams pov, or sam from tommys pov, really it works well with so many people which says a lot about the characters tbh but shhhhhhhhhhhh
-need you here (idkhow)
OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD
mk mk mk mk FUNDY AND WILBUR THO
like b r u h that works so well with them
also i started this one as well but didnt like it, theres a story board in my draw as well for it because like. oh my god its such a good idea i just am shit at animating and don't have a decent enough program :')
also also
the line "daddy has to go, and that makes me sad, but daddy will always come back, he promised" fuckkkkkk that works so well with like. say for example, idk, when they're celebrating schlatts death and wilbur leaves to press the button? the sheer fucking angst of that is enough to kill any one person istg that is in fact the entire reason why i started the animatic in the first place. just that line. also all the lines sung by the child voice. fuckin angsty as hell. also ust generally a banging song, as is every idkhow song
-green (cavetown)
another cavetown song huh. ok sure.
mk so wilbur and sally and fundy. like. for a start, the imagry of a fish at the start? boom sally.
anyway the lines "you looked so good in green, i hope you're well, and you look so good with him, (schlatt ig?) and I'm proud of you still (wilburrrr and fundyyyy) i miss your perfect teeth, i was too blunt, i hope you feel happy, that's all I want"
FUCKKKK
the whole song is about missing someone you used to love and only hoping the best for them!!!! and wishing that they are happy and safe!!!!!!!!!!! and hoping they still think about you!!!!! but even if they dont its fine because all you want is for them to be happy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
-achilles come down (gang of youths)
OK I THOUGHT IT COULDNT GET ANGSTIER
so like. tw suicide but thats what the entire song is about and bing bang boom i just think it works so so so so so so so well with not only exile tommy (who obviously did try to kill himself) but also wilbur in a slightly more metaphorical way? so like. his self destructive habits leading him to a point where he had no choice other than to kill himself and to take his country down with him. and its all about other characters trying to help them and persuade them not to but also near the end there is a second voice trying to persuade them to go along with it, which im thinking like. if its wilbur, either dream or maybe just himself. his own brain persuading him to continue down the path that would inevitably lead to his and his countries destruction. also it works well with schlatt for the same reasons, except he doesnt want to die. maybe (since the song is so goddamn long) like. one verse for tommy one for wilbur and one for schlatt? dead gang poggg but also like. the verses cover fairly different things which work with one character but not so much the others, for example the first verse would be tommy because its mainly about persuading the person to not kill themself (which tommy did himself but shhh) the second for schlatt because its literally about drinking and smoking away your problems, and the third for wilbur since its more of a fight between the "good" and the "bad" sides, which is obviously what wilbur was experiencing. also obviously i have a soft spot for this song because its string instruments and french, basically my favourite combination ever (also i like his voice idfk lmao)
ANYWAY THATS ALL THE SONGS ON THERE SO FAR
i literally thought of another song while i was in the shower today but i dont remember which it was but a n y w a y the playlist will most definitely be getting longer, especially since there are so many more songs that are good for this but i just havent added them yet lmao. anyway ive been writing this for like an hour gsdfjhgdhfsg but still oh my god this was fun to write
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getoutofyourmynd · 3 years
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Another late night ramble
Things have been a really hard lately, for me, alone, for my partner alone and that has been putting a little bit of a strain on the both of us but we've defintely been working on being more open about what has been going on and today he expressed a bit more to me about how hes been feeling and something that really stuck out to me is him telling me that he doesn't feel like he really belongs when he is not with me, like physically when I am there with him.
For the past couple months, at least, I have been struggling with a lot of feelings, a lot of guilt and shame and disgust towards myself, a lot of these feeling i havent really been able to put into words but they have been makig me especially insecure and needy, but i havent really felt comfortable sharing them with just about anyone, not really. But what he said, about feeling like not belonging without me, put how ive been feeling as well, into words.
For a while I thought I was struggling with my gender identity. I had only recently in the past couple years come to accept that I am trans, and come out to some of my close friends and have learned to be a lot more comfortable with myself and gain some confidence, but lately I have feeling really really disconnected from myself, from my body, from my mind and from my identity completely and I have been wondering if I had been wrong about my gender all this time, but Ive sorta started to realize that its not that I just feel like I am in the wrong body, as in that I dont feel like I am in the right body regarding my gender, but I dont feel like my body is mine, at all. I dot feel like this body belongs to me, or many of the memories.
Its really hard to explain exactly what I mean but i guess its like, I dont feel like I was ever the girl who grew up in this body for 20 something years, not just that I dont feel like I am that gender, but I dont feel like we are the same person at all. I feel like she is still there somewhere but that I have almost stolen her body, is how it feels. It feels like I have taken something that is not me from her and I have been struggling with a lot of guilt from it, feeling like I am taking away her life, her memories and just everything. This goes back to my boyfriend and feeling like I dont belong without him because since meeting him I feel like hes the only thing I have that is just mine. All the memories I have had with him belong to me, not her. There are defintely some memories in the past, as a child and I teen that i do feel connected to but the majority of it I dont. I have vague ideas of the them I dont connect to them like they are mine at all, except for him, and so without him I feel like I have no other reason to belong here, in this body I dont feel like I should exist at all.
I think a lot about when I feel like this all started to happen and something i think that in the last couple years, when things started to get really bad, that she couldn't handle it I think it would have broken her, or that it already had and I feel like it was something I had to go through for her, but i feel like the only reason I was able to is because I had my boyfriend, because he is what I had that made me stronger that she didn't have. Sometimes I struggle with that more, feeling like why me? why did i deserve to have to go through all of that though? But then I remember no matter how scary and hard it all was, Im still here, "we" are still here and maybe if it wasnt me who had gone through it idk if we woud have made it. I dont know if it makes any sense, it doesnt really to me and I dont understand any of it and I feel like im crazy which is why i havent felt safe to tell anyone about it because I dont think anyone else would understand and I dont think they would accept it, Im scared of being judged and put down and thought of differently.
Yea idk its been rough having to go through it all alone, but I have survived worse and I try my best to remember that I am much much stronger than I give myself credit for.
thats about it for my 2 am ramble this time lol. Im also too lazy and dont care enough to fix all the typos.
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jcmorgenstern · 4 years
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@superohclair oh god okay please know these are all just incoherent ramblings so like, idk, please feel free to add on or ignore me if im just wildly off base but this is a bad summary of what ive been thinking about and also my first titans/batman meta?? (also, hi!)
okay so for the disclaimer round: I am not an actual cultural studies major, nor do I have an extensive background in looking at the police/military industrial complex in media. also my comics knowledge is pretty shaky and im a big noob(I recently got into titans, and before that was pretty ignorant of the dceu besides batman) so I’ll kind of focus in on the show and stuff im more familiar with and apologize in advance?. basically im just a semi-educated idiot with Opinions, anyone with more knowledge/expertise please jump in! this is literally just the bullshit I spat out incoherently off the top of my head. did i mention im a comics noob? because im a comics noob.
so on a general level, I think we can all agree that batman as a cultural force is somewhat on the conservative side, if not simply due to its age and commercial positioning in American culture. there are a lot of challenges and nuances to that and it’s definitely expanding and changing as DC tries to position itself in the way that will...make the most money, but all you have to do is take a gander through the different iterations of the stories in the comics and it’ll smack you in the fucking face. like compare the first iteration of Jason keeping kids out of drugs to the titans version and you’ve got to at least chuckle. at the end of the day, this is a story about a (white male) billionaire who fights crime.
to be fair, I’d argue the romanticization of the police isn’t as aggressive as it could be—they are most often presented as corrupt and incompetent. However, considering the main cop characters depicted like Jim Gordon, the guys in Gotham (it’s been a while since I saw it, sorry) are often the romanticized “good few” (and often or almost always white cis/het men), that’s on pretty shaky ground. I don’t have the background in the comics strong enough to make specific arguments, so I’ll cede the point to someone who does and disagrees, but having recently watched a show that deals excellently with police incompetence, racism, and brutality (7 Seconds on Netflix), I feel at the very least something is deeply missing. like, analysis of race wrt police brutality in any aspect at all whatsoever.
I think it can be compellingly read that batman does heavily play into the military/police industrial complex due to its takes on violence—just play the Arkham games for more than an hour and you’ll know what I mean. to be a little less vague, even though batman as a franchise valorizes “psychiatric treatment” and “nonviolence,” the entire game seems pretty aware it characterizes treatment as a madhouse and nonviolence as breaking someone’s back or neck magically without killing them because you’re a “good guy.” while it is definitely subversive that the franchise even considers these elements at all, they don’t always do a fantastic job living up to them.
and then when you consider the fetishization of tools of violence both in canon and in the fandom, it gets worse. same with prisons—if anything it dehumanizes people in prisons even more than like, cop shows in general, which is pretty impressive(ly bad). like there’s just no nuance afforded and arkham is generally glamorized. the fact that one of the inmates is a crocodile assassin, I will admit, does not help. im not really sure how to mitigate that when, again, one of the inmates is a crocodile assassin, but I think my point still stands. fuck you, killer croc. (im just kidding unfuck him or whatever)
not to take this on a Jason Todd tangent but I was thinking about it this afternoon and again when thinking about that cop scene again and in many ways he does serve as a challenge to both batman’s ideology as well as the ideology of the franchise in general. his depiction is always a bit of a sticking point and it’s always fascinating to me to see how any given adaptation handles it. like Jason’s “”street”” origin has become inseparable from his characterization as an angry, brash, violent kid, and that in itself reflects a whole host of cultural stereotypes that I might argue occasionally/often dip into racialized tropes (like just imagine if he wasn’t white, ok). red hood (a play on robin hood and the outlaws, as I just realized...today) is in my exposure/experience mostly depicted as a villain, but he challenges batman’s no-kill philosophy both on an ethical and practical level. every time the joker escapes he kills a whole score more of innocent people, let alone the other rogues—is it truly ethical to let him live or avoid killing him for the cost of one life and let others die?
moreover, batman’s ““blind”” faith in the justice system (prisons, publicly-funded asylum prisons, courts) is conveniently elided—the story usually ends when he drops bad guy of the day off at arkham or ties up the bad guys and lets the police come etc etc. part of this is obviously bc car chases are more cinematic than dry court procedurals, but there is an alternate universe where bruce wayne never becomes batman and instead advocates for the arkham warden to be replaced with someone competent and the system overhauled, or in programs encouraging a more diverse and educated police force, or even into social welfare programs. (I am vaguely aware this is sometimes/often part of canon, but I don’t think it’s fair to say it’s the main focus. and again, I get it’s not nearly as cinematic).
overall, I think the most frustrating thing about the batman franchise or at least what I’ve seen or read of it is that while it does attempt to deal with corruption and injustice at all levels of the criminal justice system/government, it does so either by treating it as “just how life is” or having Dick or Jim Gordon or whoever the fuckjust wipe it out by “eliminating the dirty cops,” completely ignoring the non-fantasy ways these problems are dealt with in real life. it just isn’t realistic. instead of putting restrictions on police violence or educating cops on how to use their weapons or putting work into eradicating the culture of racism and prejudice or god basically anything it’s just all cinematized into the “good few” triumphing over the bad...somehow. its always unsatisfying and ultimately feels like lip service to me, personally.
this also dovetails with the very frustrating way mental health/”insanity” or “madness” is dealt with in canon, very typical of mainstream fiction. like for example:“madness is like gravity, all it takes is a little push.” yikes, if by ‘push’ you mean significant life stressors, genetic load, and environemntal influences,  then sure. challenge any dudebro joker fanboy to explain exactly what combination of DSM disorders the joker has to explain his “””insanity””” and see what happens. (these are, in fact, my plans for this Friday evening. im a hit at parties).
anyway I do really want to wax poetic about that cop scene in 1x06 so im gonna do just that! honestly when I first saw that I immediately sat up like I’d sat on a fucking tack, my cultural studies senses were tingling. the whole “fuck batman” ethos of the show had already been interesting to me, esp in s1, when bruce was basically standing in for the baby boomers and dick being our millennial/GenX hero. I do think dick was explicitly intended to appeal to a millennial audience and embody the millennial ethos. By that logic, the tension between dick and Jason immediately struck me as allegorical (Jason constantly commenting on dick being old, outdated, using slang dick doesn’t understand and generally being full of youthful obnoxious fistbumping energy).
Even if subconsciously on the part of the writers, jason’s over-aggressive energy can be read as a commentary on genZ—seen by mainstream millennial/GenX audiences as taking things too far. Like, the cops in 1x06 could have been Nick Zucco’s hired men or idk pretty much anyone, yet they explicitly chose cops and even had Jason explain why he deliberately went after them for being cops so dick (cop) could judge him for it. his rationale? he was beaten up by cops on the street, so he’s returning the favor. he doesn’t have the focused “righteous” rage of batman or dick/nightwing towards valid targets, he just has rage at the world and specifically the system—framed here as unacceptable or fanatical. as if like, dressing up like a bat and punching people at night is, um, totally normal and uncontroversial.
on a slightly wider scope, the show seems to internally struggle with its own progressive ethos—on the one hand, they hire the wildly talented chellah man, but on the other hand they will likely kill him off soon. or they cast anna diop, drawing wrath from the loudly racist underbelly of fandom, but sideline her. perhaps it’s a genuine struggle, perhaps they simply don’t want to alienate the bigots in the fanbase, but the issue of cops stuck out to me when I was watching as an social issue where they explicitly came down on one side over the other. jason’s characterization is, I admit and appreciate, still nuanced, but I’d argue that’s literally just bc he’s a white guy and a fan favorite. cast an actor of color as Jason and see how fast fandom and the writer’s room turns on him.
anyway i don’t really have the place to speak about what an explicitly nonwhite!cop!dick grayson would look like, but I do think it would be a fascinating and exciting place to start in exploring and correcting the kind of vague and nebulous complaints i raise above. (edit: i should have made more clear, i mean in the show, which hasn’t dealt with dick’s heritage afaik). also, there’s something to be said about the cop vs detective thing but I don’t really have the brain juice or expertise to say it? anyway if you got this far i hope it was at least interesting and again pls jump in id love to hear other people’s takes!!
tldr i took two (2) cultural studies classes and have Opinions
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j4nn4s · 5 years
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rules:
always repost the rules
answer the questions given to you by the one who tagged you!
give 11 questions
tag 11 people
i was tagged by @isakvdhflorenzi, ty miss lorena <3 1. Is the social media presence of the characters important to how you view the quality of the remake/show?
hm well skam nl is my favorite and their social media game is trash LMAOOO so generally No but i do feel like remakes who DO have such a good presence kind of elevate the show and i think it’s pretty heartwarmin to see some remakes go sm farther than skam with social media and puttin out educational and IN CHARA resources like skames does this so well and i feel like in that way, the team is really really spreadin skam’s spirit via these resources (like joana’s billion bpd awareness ig accounts and lucas rubio’s yt channel)
2. Least favourite clip of the show? Why?
tbh there are definitely some duds but probably one of the clips with sana gettin herself into a hole in s4 just bc some were hard to watch cus cringey or yikes .... idk i cant think of others LMAO
3. Which character did you feel the most connected to and why?
ijeoiqjiwoij even tho even is my all time fave skam chara, i have to say isak for all of these reasons 
4. Your least favourite part of every season?
season 1 - tbh even though i really enjoyed this season, it does take a while for it to build up like i rmr at first not being that interested until ep6 maybe ?? which is hard when you’re trying to get your friends to watch but they have to wait until ep6 before shit starts RLLY buildin up and gettin wild
season 2 - hm ig noora chasin after william ??
season 3 - bro NOTHINGGG call me a purist but its such a refined masterpiece like the pacing is good the characterization is so good ugh i deadass cant think of anythin
season 4 - i always felt a little ??? w noora being sana’s bff ig bc from s1-s3 it didn’t Feel like they were that close like even in noora’s pov, sana wasn’t really a part of it that much ?? like eva was more of noora’s bff ?? so i feel like it would have made more sense if maybe sana spoke more with chris or vilde bc sana and vilde eventually seemed to get closer esp with kosegruppa and chris has always been by sana’s side ?? idk that always confused me
5. What is your opinion on the cast’s participation on social media? Do you prefer it when the cast aren’t that involved like the Skam cast, or do you like a lot of content like the Fr cast do?
tbh i don’t care much abt the casts LMAOOO if anythin it kind of brings more harm as seen with the harassment axel and maxence get and also can bring more controversy like with irene (which honestly is p sad considerin how much i love skames bc now i feel super :/ watchin it like she shouldve just had private accts at this point)
6. Favourite song you found from Skam or the remakes?
OMFGGG love this question .... def doorman by slowthai and mura masa bc its one of my fave songs now and i got it from skam nl <3 ugh taste
7. If you could decide which characters from Skam got a season, who would you choose?
OOOHHH ugh torn bc i like isak’s pov but also i want even’s so might have to forfeit isak season for even season ....... hm so probs vilde, sana, even, noora (maybe not w william tho) and honestly maybe jonas too ??
8. Are there any moments that you liked in the show that everyone else seems to hate?
IJXDWQOIJJ yes .... remakes-wise, people hate skam nl s2’s last half but i enjoyed it for the most part ... i think the pacing was off for the last ep but personally, clip 50 made up for it and is p god tier imo ..... and also don’t think the first half of ep10 is enough to discredit the entire season bc i rlly loved seeing liv’s pov and have sm fave moments from the season 
but skam wise, omg might get a lil controversial w this one IM SORRY !!! im bein honest and its Just my opinion ok 
personally s2 got me more invested than s1 and i don’t think its a super bad season like i didnt really say many problems wrong with it until i got on tumblr wiejioqjoiqjq i was sort of interested in the questions that the noora/william dynamic brought up which is, as expressed in william’s war speech to noora, that nothing is ever black/white which i feel was a huge message and feeds into the ‘you never know what ppl are going through’ theme of the season ... like i like the idea of someone like noora, who can have a black/white mentality (as seen in the first clip of s2 when she tells vilde that they can’t have the tannin company as their sponsor bc they objectify women or smth but misses the context and what it could mean for the bus monetarily bc shes caught up in bein ‘woke’) having to break out of that and see more than one side ... and i think remakes like skam austin expanded on this idea well like when zoya was like ‘must be so nice being right all the time’ which i Do feel like is an important for youth to know today .... bc i think its so easy to get caught up in the idea of being so objectively right and morally superior that people lose sight of the more nuanced characteristics to life ... (omg long ramble BUT)
also LMAOOOOO this one might be more controversial as it pertains to bench scene s4 ok oops again doNT GOTTA AGREE !! ........ but i feel like the scene had a lot of good intentions ... i was def kind of cringing a bit tho bc i understand the subject’s sensitivity and how these topics are hard to talk about but i genuinely feel like they both made Some points and should listen to each other .... like as Hard and as maybe ‘unwoke’ it is to admit, unfortunately you sort of do have to answer the tough questions bc that way we learn from each other .... and i perfectly understand why some ppl wouldn’t want to do this and i certainly am tired abt havin to answer shit abt my sexuality or stupid male questions abt women but if u dont answer them, people do go lookin for answers still and the internet is such a shitty place that its pretty easy (esp with youtube’s algorithm) to lead you to ignorant ppl and perhaps radicalization .... questions help us to better understand our community and sometimes they can have good intentions too but we have to ask and answer them or else people will make up answers (which ive literally seen and its honestly worse to see fake as shit and UNINFORMED answers bc ppl did not want to ask you or ppl of ur identity, esp when they’re already startin from a place of hate .... but i rather have ppl ask me patronizing questions than have them spread false info bc that can do much more harm in the long run) however i DO think that isak should also consider sana’s side and i sort of wish we saw him conceding more bc they both have smth to learn from one another, like sana shouldn’t just be learnin from isak, isak needs to learn from sana too
PHEW SORRY QWIOJQWIO girl i just got opinions on some things this is when my desc rlly comes in handy .... oqjdwqioj
9. What did you learn from the show?
omg honestly too much to write here tbh ..... but if it says anythin im (very slowly) in the works of a three part skam essay about basically how skam teaches us to be better humans and how to better treat the people we care about diowjqioj essentially the three biggest themes of the show: you never know what someone is going through so always be kind, always communicate with your friends, and no person is ever alone and i feel like these are definitely rlly good messages to live by (also livet er nå BITCH !!!)
10. What is your favourite headcanon about your favourite characters?
omg tbh i could not tell u at all how the skam charas are doing except i hope even is okay thats all im thinkin of ok .... OIWXIOJX omg remakes wise tho ..... honestly im so bad at this girl IDK !!!!! LMAO i have to really think i have a bit of vdh and dutch even but thats bc we know like Zero abt them so its easier oijwiojqio idk liv and noah bein cute as shit ..... OH WAIT personally i feel like janna got a bunch of pansexual energy so my BIGGG hc is that she’s pan also bc she’s one of my all time fave charas and my fkn url so itd be dope if she was pan ok boom
11. What is your opinion on fanfiction in the fandom?
tbh i don’t read skam fanfiction but i don’t mind reading some from the remakes (tho still its rare) ... eiojeioqw i just don’t trust anyone but julie to write skam charas bc i think that’s how precious the show is to me LMAO like idk everything ive seen of skam fanfiction and ficlets and one shots, i could never get into bc the tone is just so out of character or there will be lines that just take me out of the fic bc im like this !!!! is not !!! how the chara acts !!!! so yeah idk not rlly a fan bc of my purist ass but i dont mind others reading it
Questions:
1. Favorite quote of the show?
2. Which country would you like to see have the next remake? Do you have any headcanons?
3. Which season would you rewrite and how would you rewrite it?
4. What clips do you personally like or don’t mind, but others hate?
5. Which songs do you think SKAM or the remakes should have included? For which moments?
6. Who would you give SKAM season five to and what topics and themes would it cover?
7. What moment spoke to you or touched you from SKAM the most?
8. How did you find SKAM? How did you feel about it right after watching?
9. Have you shared SKAM with any friends in real life? What did they think of it?
10. Of the remakes, which characters are your favorite of their SKAM counterparts? (Ex. who is the best Vilde remake? Eva? etc.)
11. How do you feel about the SKAM (and remakes) tumblr fandom?
I tag: @smileykeijser @whatadaze @queenofpurgatoryx @itlukey @skamyeets @shaykeijser @megeliz01 @isakcijser @wackpainterkid @axelauriantblot @kar-d-momme
(omg ik some of yall have been tagged so just ignore if u dont want to do it ok im srry it was in the RULES!)
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the-wlw-cafe · 5 years
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Forget Me (Not)
Request: #62 Memory loss with Lena Luthor preferably the Reader losing their Memory? They were Dating for awhile but got hurt protecting Lena so now she doesn't remember Lena who decides it's best for her not to remember so that the Reader doesn't get hurt again so Reader goes About their normal life but with Lena basically suffering every time she sees them bc she's still in love with them idk Maybe a happy ending if you wanna
Fandom: Supergirl
Warnings: referenced injuries, some language, being Long as feck
Word Count: too many (3265)
You awoke to the sound of hushed voices. You couldn’t make out what they were saying, every noise seemed to drift towards you through a thick layer of jelly, muffled and warbling. You felt like you were floating. It was the smell that finally clued you in that something was off: It smelt sterile, like hand soap and disinfectant, not like the scent of lavender, coffee and freshly washed sheets that you associated with home. You slowly opened your eyes, blinking against the bright white lights that surrounded you. When you tried to move, you noticed an IV drip sticking out of your arm.
Ah. Hospital.
The voices became clearer, two women, arguing.
“Now you’re just being dramatic, Lena, this isn’t your fault!”
“If it weren’t for me, none of this would have happened. Getting close to me is a risk, you know that, and I’ve been selfish enough to ignore it, but I just can’t anymore. I’m making the right decision here.”
“The only thing you’re making is a big mistake Lena, I know how much – (Y/N)!”
It seems they have noticed that you are awake, and the taller of the two, a blond woman whose face splits into the most sunny smile you’ve ever seen once she makes eye contact with you, comes rushing to your bedside. The smaller one, pale, with dark hair framing an impossibly gorgeous face, stands in the back, clearly left distraught by the argument you’d interrupted. You immediately got the overwhelming urge to reach out and comfort her.
“(Y/N), we’ve been so worried about you, but I knew you were a trooper!”
She immediately goes in for a hug that leaves you stiff and awkward. You have no idea who this is, but they clearly know you very well, which can only mean one thing. But that couldn’t be, things like that were reserved for soap operas only, it didn’t happen in real life...right?
The tall blonde seemed to notice you not returning the embrace, pulling back with a frown.
“Is something wrong? Are you hurt? Oh Rao, did I hug you to hard?” she fretted, a worried crinkle appearing between her brows.
“Oh no, the hug was fine, I just...” you make a helpless flailing motion which leaves your IV drip swinging. “I’m sorry, I’m going to be frank, I have no idea who you are.”
The blonde lifted her hands to her mouth to cover a gasp. “But...but you must recognize Lena, right?” she exclaimed, gesturing towards the other woman. Oh this was bad. You hated to see these people hurt and worried.
“Nope, does not ring a bell.” You replied.
“But she’s-“ the blonde began, only to be cut off by the other, Lena.
“- the one whose building was trapped with the bomb that put you on a coma. I needed to make sure you’d recover, and seeing that you’re awake, I’ll go get a doctor for you”, she said curtly, and gave you a small smile that doesn’t reach her eyes. She’d already turned away before she’d finished the sentence. You and the blonde watched her leave the room.
“Is she okay?” you asked.
“Honestly? I don’t know. She’s going through a lot of stuff at the moment.”
  Lena returned with a doctor not long after, and a series of exhausting questions later you were diagnosed with amnesia. When or whether your memory would return nobody could tell, but you were released two days later with the recommendation of trying to go through your day as it came naturally to you, visit familiar places and not stress yourself out too much over remembering. You felt lost and vulnerable in the apartment that was so unfamiliar to you, yet everyone seemed to recognize as yours. Kara, the blonde woman who had dropped by your bedside multiple times to bring you some fried sugary goodness to offset the horror that was the hospital food volunteered to sleep on your couch until you’d find some semblance of normalcy in her life (“No, really, it’s no problem, Alex – my sister – will look after my plants, and I think they’ll thank her for it, I keep drowning them for some reason...”).
  On your first evening at the place you didn’t remember as home, you went through Kara’s phone together, looking at pictures of her, her friends and you together in the hopes that it would stir something, anything inside you.
You scrolled through pictures of you and her friends at bars, at picnics, at game nights, always laughing and smiling, and still these peoples were strangers to you. All of them, except one.
“That’s Lena! From the hospital!”, you exclaimed, just glad that you had found one face that didn’t make you feel like looking through stock photos of a group of handpicked multiracial attractive models.
You furrowed your brow in thought. “That’s weird, though, she didn’t mention us being close.”
Kara smiled a slightly pained smile, said something along the lines of “well, you met her through me, I was interviewing her for CatCo and things just snowballed from there”, before quickly scrolling on. You see her face popping up in some pictures after that one, but you don’t bring it up again.
  In the following days, Kara took the time to re-introduce you to all of her friends, to her sister Alex, Alex’ girlfriend Maggie to Winn and James, she tried to get a hold of Lena but the CEO declined. It didn’t surprise you, being CEO of L-Corp probably didn’t leave her with much free time. The Superfriends did their best to make you feel welcome in their midst, but you still couldn’t quite shake the feeling that you were hanging out with a group of complete strangers, who somehow knew your favourite drinks, your Noonan’s order, and your preferred board games.
  Kara took you to L-Corp a week after you were released from hospital, since it was there you lost your memory, and per chance you ran into Lena. Kara invited her along to grab coffee together, but with one look at you she blanched, pressed out that she was urgently needed in a meeting from between clenched teeth, turned on her heel and walked right into the room she had left seconds before. It was completely empty.
  You started to get the feeling that Lena didn’t like you.
  The following Saturday, you were proven wrong, she didn’t just dislike you, Lena Luthor outright hated you. It was game night, and you had attended out of a sense of obligation and the fact that you started to grow close to the Superfriends – for the second time from their perspective. Lena arrived late, played one token round of Taboo, and then left immediately after, citing a work emergency. The phone she pretended to talk on was clearly switched off.
  Days turned into weeks, and this became a common occurrence, no matter how much Kara and the others conspired to get you two to talk to each other.
By far the worst thing about this situation was however the fact that you seemed to affect Lena’s friendship to Kara too. You caught them, once, arguing in the kitchen at game night after they had gone to get more wine.
  “Lena, she’s suffering, you’re suffering, and this has to stop. You can’t keep running away from this and honestly I’m not sure how much longer I’m willing to lie for you!”
“Kara Danvers, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare destroy everything I’ve done to-“
“-to make both of you miserable? Lena, open your eyes, this isn’t working! (Y/N) has a right to know –“
You couldn’t take it any longer and decided to announce yourself by clearing your throat. The two women whipped around to face you.
“Sorry”, you began, awkwardly scratching your neck as if you hadn’t just caused a rift between these two friends. “The guys are asking for more beer.”
“Oh, we were just...” Kara started, clearly in the early stages of a trademark ramble.
“...just leaving. I was just leaving.” Lena finished, her gaze fixed on some spot behind you. You didn’t manage to contain your scoff in time. “Another work emergency, I gather? Or what’s the excuse you have for us today?” you said. Lena stumbled backwards as if you had hit her, and immediately you regretted your cold words.
“I...good night, (Y/N).” Her voice broke on your name and you swore you could hear her sniffle as she rushed past you. You stared at Kara, unsure of what had just happened in this kitchen, when you felt a second wave of anger wash over you.
“No”, you growled. Kara looked at you, puzzled.
“No, she doesn’t get to do this. She doesn’t get to avoid me for weeks when I needed her the most, when she should have been there for me like all your other friends...my other friends were! She doesn’t get to make me feel bad about calling her out on her bullshit! I don’t know what I did to offend her, I literally can’t remember, but why can’t she just talk it out with me like a goddamn adult?!”
You braced yourself on the kitchen counter as you stared into the dark night outside. Voicing your anger had felt good, it had been a long time coming, but you’d still do anything to get some closure on this whole situation.
“Oh, (Y/N)”, Kara breathed, looking torn. “Lena doesn’t hate you. She...she’s in a difficult spot right now, and she thinks she’s doing the right thing but she’s really, really not...she’s a very headstrong woman.”
“Yes, feel free to tell me whenever you’re ready to stop talking in riddles and feel like making sense”, you snapped.
“Lena made me promise not to tell a word, and I can’t break her trust like that, but I also can’t stand to see you both so miserable.” Your friend heaved a great sigh, and at this moment she looked older than you had ever seen her. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and after some typing, she presented it to you. “Just...take a look.”
She had opened a folder named Top Secret L  and you actually let out a small giggle at that. Subtlety really didn’t seem to be her strongest suit.
The folder was empty except for a series of four photos, obviously taken in quick succession at a park. The first was Kara, taking a selfie, pointing excitedly at some kissing couple on a park bench. Half of you wanted to sit Kara down for a serious talk about privacy and personal space, the other half just smiles because that’s Kara, the same Kara that had called you one evening after having seen an elderly couple feeding ducks at a pond, squealing “true love exists!”. The second photo is another image of the couple, up close this time, and your heart drops into the general vicinity of your stomach when you recognize the lovebirds. That is, without a doubt, Lena Luthor, one hand in your (H/C) hair, the other at the small of your back. The third picture clearly showed your reaction to being busted, Lena hiding her face in your chest and you throwing your head back with laughter. You couldn’t tell whether the blushes on your faces stem from embarrassment at being caught or from the heated kiss you had been sharing. In the fourth and last picture, Alex was photobombing you, pretending to gouge her eyes out with a cocktail umbrella.
You put the phone down, staring blankly at nothing in particular. You hadn’t expected to be able to feel this photo so vividly, not to remember, but to know how Lena’s soft lips felt on yours, how her scent surrounded you, how you were able to feel her pulse racing out of control...
You were longing for something, for Lena, for a feeling you didn’t remember but missed anyway. You looked up at Kara helplessly, seeking guidance, advice, something.
“Were Lena and I...” you croaked, not trusting your voice to get the whole sentence out.
“An item? Yeah. You even tried to keep it secret from us for a time, but we saw right through you. And by ‘we’ I mean Maggie ‘detecting is my job’ Sawyer”, she added with a soft smile.
You leaned against the counter.
“I imagine you two have a lot to talk through”, Kara said gently.
You nodded absent-mindedly, already working through hundreds of reasons why Lena would not want you to find out you had been in a relationship before the bomb and the memory loss debacle.
Kara grabbed you by the shoulders, gently ushering you towards the door. “Come on, I’ll tell the others where you are. You go get your girl.”
  She texted you Lena’s private address as soon as you were out the door. In the lobby of her apartment building, you saw a security guard immediately lumbering towards you. You cursed inwardly. You had no idea what to say. “Yes, apparently I used to be Lena’s girlfriend until a few weeks ago, but don’t ask me anything personal about her or our relationship, as I have conveniently forgotten it all.”
Before you could even begin to delve into a shakily improvised excuse, he broke out into a wide grin.
“Miss (Y/L/N)! I was wondering when I’d see you again here! It’s been too long! You and Miss Luthor didn’t have a falling out, did you?”
“Something like that”, you murmured, still taken aback by his jovial greeting.
“Well, I know it’s none of my business, but Miss Luthor hasn’t been well in the last weeks. I do hope you’ve come to set her straight.”
“Well, that’s the plan, but we’ll see how it goes”, you reply, showing a shy smile.
“Then by all means, don’t let me keep you here any longer, I’ll let you right up!” he said with a goofy thumbs-up gesture.
Lena lived in the penthouse, so you had plenty of time to come up with something to say to her on the elevator ride. You left the elevator without any semblance of a plan. You took one last, deep breath, steeled yourself and knocked on her door.
There were a few seconds of tense silence, and then –
“Who’s there?”
Even through the door you could tell from her hoarse voice that she’d been crying.
“It’s me, (Y/N). We need to talk.”
Nothing.
“Lena Lutessa Luthor, you open that door right now or so help me I’ll get Kara to throw me in through the window!”
For a moment you thought Lena would refuse to let you in, but then you could hear the tell-tale click of the door as she let you step into her apartment. You tried not to let it take your breath away too much, but you still found yourself slightly distracted by the gorgeous view on the golden lights of National City by night.
“I assume Kara told you, then.”
Lena had her back turned to you, obviously trying to hide her tears from view.
“Kara didn’t technically break her promise to you, she just let me connect the dots”, you said.
“So she didn’t tell you that she thinks I’m a coward and a liar?” she snapped, but you could hear the fright in her voice. She was scared and hurt, and therefore lashing out. And again, something inside you ached to take her in your arms, comfort her, and never let her go.
“Lena, you know Kara would never say these things. She loves you.”
Lena made a strangled sound, somewhere between a scoff and a sob. You decided to press on.
“I just need to know why. Why did you try to hide this from me? Were we...were we unhappy? Did that bomb just come incredibly convenient to you, so you didn’t have to break up with me?”
You were getting worked up again, you couldn’t help it. You deserved better than 3 weeks of the silent treatment, especially when as vulnerable and confused as you had been.
“Did Kara tell you what happened the day you got injured?” Lena asked, her voice almost inaudible.
“Yes, there was a bomb at L-Corp and I got caught in the blast-“
“You shouldn’t even have been there! I received the bomb threat several minutes before the explosion. There was enough time to get every civilian out of the building and to safety. There was enough time for you to be far, far away from any danger. And yet you turned around, and you ran right up to my office, because you just had to make sure I was okay. And when there wasn’t any time left anymore, you tried to shield me from the blast. I saw you get thrown against a wall, (Y/N). I saw you lying there, with broken limbs, not moving, and I thought you were dead! I thought I had lost you!”
Lena whipped around to face you, her face red and tearstained, but there was a grim determination gleaming in her eye.
“I thought you had died because of me. Do you understand now, why I have to do this? I loved you, I still do, but I can’t allow you to throw your life away for me. You deserve more. You deserve someone who can love you without endangering you whenever you’re together.”
“I’m not stupid, Lena”, you reply, after a few seconds. “I knew that when I got into the relationship with you. And I still chose you. And I think...I think I would do it again. Kara showed me the pictures of you and me in the park, I’m not sure if you remember-“
“Of course I do”, she sighed. “It was our first official date. You were actually going for a kiss on the cheek, but, well, so was I, and our lips just awkwardly collided for a moment before things...escalated.”
“Yeah”, you chuckled. “I could see the escalation.”
You swore there was a small smile playing around the corners of Lena’s mouth.
“The thing is, Lena, I felt something when I saw us kissing. I might not remember what we had, and maybe I never will, but I still miss it. I miss us. And maybe, in time, we could rebuild all of this.”
Lena’s mouth dropped open.
“Really? Even after how I’ve treated you? Oh God, how I’ve treated you, I’m so sorry, (Y/N), but I was so scared...”
You interrupted her with a raised hand. “You can’t do this to me again, Lena. You can’t just leave me out of the loop. If we are to have a second chance for...well...us, we need you to be able to trust each other completely. I need you to tell me the truth, always, even if it hurts, even if you’re afraid, and you have to trust me when I say I know what I am getting into.”
Lena nodded frantically, under tears, but she was smiling as well. You weren’t surprised to feel your eyes burn as well. And suddenly, you didn’t know who initiated it, maybe it had been a shared impulse, the two of you closed the distance between each other and fell heavily into each others arms, sobbing tears of relief, joy, loss, fear, a bit of everything.
This would take time, you both knew it, and both of you still had wounds that were a long way from healing, but in this moment you refused to let each other go. This was a path you had to take together, after all.
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amateuranxiety · 5 years
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Ken Rants About “Vanishing World” for Probably Way Too Long
Good evening. My name is Ken, I am a dumb, overanalyzing nerd, and I have completely fallen for the narrative Vocaloid producer Grey (a.k.a. Monstrosity) has set up in the first two songs of her series, Vanishing World. I know only two out of the ten-ish-maybe? songs have been released so far, but I’ve been stewing on my thoughts for a while now and I felt that I absolutely needed to get them down somewhere. in this essay i will- I hope that people are able to see this and possibly be interested in checking the series out? I just feel like it deserves a lot more attention. I highly recommend listening to all the work on her channel. https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCrq2qxXTl7u-YKeSqIJ5xZA Now, without further ado, I give you my analysis. i feel like im giving myself too much credit for my hyperfocused ramblings lol
WARNING!
This writing discusses themes of mass death and other death related subject matter. If you are disturbed by these things, then please proceed with caution. Stay safe.
Basic Plot Summary
Vanishing World is the story of the end of the world, and the beasts who cause it. One beast for every element or force of nature or whatever. So far, they seem to choose a human to “cooperate” with in order the wreak their havoc on Earth. Human resistances rise up around the world, although not much information has been provided about them yet. Our story begins in the twenty-fifth day of the month of June, they year 2000.......
Part 1: Aberrant Garden 
Kaylee Tagetes was a young girl with a remarkable, and almost scary, gift for gardening. However, as she grew, she spiraled out of control. She began fusing plants with other forms of existence, creating a deadly army for the first destruction god, Carnation. where are your parents??? Also she had this weird flower with a face growing out of her head, but I don’t think it’s that relevant also it just scares me so I’m just gonna ignore it unless I think something up about it, ok? Ok.
An investigator dispatched to “the site of the anomaly (I’m assuming this is Kaylee’s house)” finds this information and more inside of a conveniently placed exposition note that was probably just lying on the ground I guess. 
Some important things I want to highlight in the note:
“However, as she grew older, she became... curious about something. Almost like a mysterious force was feeding her thoughts. What was this thing she was curious about, you ask? Simple!
...”By what means? That part... shall remain a mystery.”
“...and it was at that moment when she was poisoned by a spider monster. Acid flowed through her veins. She fell, passed out from blood loss. Probably dead.”
“‘My name is Carnation, the Monster of Flora. You shall hear more about me in the afterlife- your time is up.’“
“Into a giant maw she was dropped... no one ever saw her again as Kaylee Tagetes.”
What these things mean (probably):
Every beast is able to get into the mind of its host and pretty much possess them and lead them to do what they want.
Whoever wrote the note wants the process of monster creation to remain a mystery.
Probably dead. Probably.
use your real name, nerd the one you made up sounds stupid
She was eaten. Trapped within the monster’s stomach.
Our investigator pal jumps on the bandwagon with his own exposition!
“In the year 2100, the apocalypses rises, fear the chrome god monsters and their trapped traitor humans.” 
He goes on about how weird it is that Carnation woke up 100 years before the rest. Also that note was pretty strange too I guess. But the question is, who wrote it? Well, my friend, it seems obvious that it was written by a human being, so I propose the theory that Kaylee herself wrote the note. I’ll explain my reasoning soon enough, but for it to make any sense at all (even though it still probably won’t), I need to move on to.......
quick note: the more i think about this the more stupid it sounds for reasons ill get into in a moment, but im just gonna keep the Kaylee Note Theory here in case it somehow leads to me having some grand revelation about the true author.
 edit:upon further reflection it may be possible, but i still think there is plenty of room for error within my theory.
Part 2: Ulterior Spectacle
Our Earth was at peace. Finally. But they didn’t let it last.
Stephan Alexander, nineteen year old photographer and the second traitor human in our story. Using a device gifted to him by the Monster of Ice, Morzogo, he is able to freeze any landscape and turn any human being into stone with the click of a button. This device is the grand Tundra Lens. One of the worst birthdays I’ve ever heard of ngl. He goes around killing millions over a period of five months because of what Morzogo had told him.
“They don’t deserve to see the world as you do. They deserve to be a part of a picture, do they not? Make them go still so you may have the perfect picture. Travel the world and make them allll stiiiill, so they’ll be with you forever.”
To summarize the end of the story:
 girl’s voice snaps him out of trance was that a pun?
instant regret for literal mass murder
suicide via medusa method (mirror, click, bye bye)
Also, if you watch the lovely PV, you’ll notice that that girl that brought him back to reality is literally Kaylee Tagetes. A twelve year old killed a chaos god of mass destruction that ate her after she was poisoned and lost a lot of blood. This takes place maybe around the year 2032 and she still looks 12. h o w ? guess she’s dead now idk all the humans are gonna be ghosts and talk about their poor life decisions in the afterlife i guess
So yeah that’s basically my explanation for my whole Kaylee wrote the note thing.
Explaining my Kaylee Note Theory:
I think I figured out how she killed Carnation. The poison in her blood. Ingesting that could have killed him. I don’t know what it takes to kill an old one or whatever those things are, but maybe??????
The prophesy just states that the human traitor are trapped. Not dead, right? dont know about poor stephan tho oof. unless the possession automatically gives you op protagonist powers. they’re probably still dead tho
I don’t know what motivation she would have for leaving the note behind though.
Maybe she wrote it as a ghost-type-person-thing????? idk i feel like im reaching at this point ive been typing for over an hour now.
also im not sure where to fit this in but some characters talk about The Crisis which is where humans randomly turn into monsters????? idk its just been brought up once so far so i dont know what to think of it.
Alright. The last thing I want to talk about today is.......
Zone-B and Codename:NULL
We first meet Codename:NULL in the description of Battle: Xelzerin (that’s Carnation’s real name btw. i guess he’s a dork who doesn’t think his full name sounds cool like me). She’s receiving an email from another Zone-B member, Codename:GANYMEDE, who basically gives us some information about Xelzerin we didn’t already know. Including the fact that Xelzerin isn’t dead??? i should have re-read everything before i started typing this has just turned into one big semi-organized mess im so sorry 
anyway!! foreshadowing about the Earth and Electric beasts, NULL’s name is revealed to be Madeline in the description of Ulterior Spectacle, and apparently Stephan froze over 70% of the world in only five months. Probably a rich kid.
if i weren’t so tired and had more information about a story that’s barely half-way done, i feel like i would be much more thorough with my analysis and theories. i may type out a part 2 once song three drops. until then, ill wait patiently. maybe ill choke out a little theory if i have a sudden revelation but nothing on this scale. maybe ill be able to choke out a timeline as well. i can barely spell i should probably stop hope you enjoyed sorry it go so messy towards the end especially right here ily goodbye.
proofreading: barely im sorry
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Ali & Carly
Ali: . . . – – – . . . Carly: ? Carly: nodded on your phone Ali: OG 🍑📞 Ali: nah save me Carly: it's pretty lemme just grab a 💄 really quick Carly: what's up baby? Ali: you are and I need distracting Ali: got band practice and I really have to Ali: missed the last two so she's dead moody Carly: go solo ill play a tambourine for you Carly: until you get famous anyway Ali: we'll get you those noise cancelling headphones they give to rockstars kids Ali: then you just gotta close your eyes n shine Carly: aw Carly: you're a 🍑 Carly: but before then I know how to sweeten up rockstars Carly: lots of jd is 🔑 yea so ill swipe ronans & its a party Ali: know that'll go down a treat Ali: almost as good as the ego stroke of calling them rockstars Carly: y you asked me its a not so hidden talent of mine Carly: strokes where needed Ali: 🎨 Ali: alright monet Ali: I'll try not to make it completely boring Carly: i have to take 5 to finish up here or he'll be dead moody Carly: so he's all you have to be more fun than Carly: & whats more boring than a horny lad when ur not feeling it Ali: easy Ali: I remember being that bored Ali: less memory more reliving but shh Ali: all fun and games yeah ✌ Carly: yea Carly: he gets it over quick tho some go & go without getting u anywhere Carly: ha Carly: ive got a home to go to sometimes boy Ali: he's very considerate like that Carly: i wont share it w him too big of a word for rn Carly: wheres this practice @ Ali: 'course not Ali: all he needs to hear is biggest and best Ali: memory serves Ali: in one of the other's garage Ali: so punk rock Ali: I'll come meet you Carly: long as he can call me a slut & I make the right noises it dont matter what I say Carly: thats every lad on here Carly: k well he's done so direct me Carly: u dont wanna meet me outside here Ali: if that's your jam, go off Ali: you mean you don't trust me not to 👊 your mans 😏 Ali: I started walking, call me a pessimist, Ronan 🤷 Carly: yea u kno for a good time call any of these caravans Carly: the old lady w the gnomes is a dark horse like Carly: i don't want u to see me looking this way ty ronan 💘 Carly: so rough about everything Carly: him & u ha Ali: she's living my dream, I remember her Ali: the pink trailer, like Ali: shoulda been going to see her if not you Ali: 🤡 Ali: you alright? Ali: you need a sec or Ali: idk, anything else Carly: her cats are living my dream Carly: lying in the sun all day, getting fat Carly: being loved whenever they ask Carly: i need a drink but im taking all of his its k Ali: duh Ali: only had it slightly better in ancient Egypt, like Ali: forever goals Ali: we'll drink it on the way Ali: need to see where to put their fingers Ali: not code for gay shit but like Ali: also Carly: theres lots they can have some as promised Carly: he owed me for all the 💊 Ali: you're sweet Carly: we can get your gf ☕ to dump it in thats the adult thing to do Carly: trying to make her happy not more mad Ali: she's 17 Ali: she just fronts a good game Ali: suppose one of us should Ali: #badgirlfriend Carly: ur the best wife tho Carly: ive missed u Ali: 😚 Ali: comments like that are why I've deffo missed you more Carly: aw Carly: comments like urs r why ill make today really fun for u Ali: 💚 Ali: we can make anything a party yeah Carly: yea Carly: but u gotta help me carry these drinks to cos i think my wrist was broken from all the coaxing that boy needs when hes been on it Ali: ugh, the struggle is so real Ali: though if you use that as an ice breaker they're all gonna look at you blankly Ali: fucking lesbian priviledge amirite Carly: i bet at least one of them's hurt their wrist trying to get a girl off Carly: half who go to our school r so uptight you need to check for sticks Carly: catholic guilt be like Ali: 😂 real Ali: but you gotta be on my side Ali: already outnumbered Ali: team bi for the day okay Carly: so i can talk about masturbating with my grandma's jesus cross or i cant Ali: you can Ali: that's a story whoevers company Ali: 'cept grandma, obvs Carly: punk rock enough? Carly: if theyre all as scary as ur lesbian im shotgunning more beers Carly: bag of recycling before we even get to the garage Ali: when she cares about the 🌍 Ali: 😍 Ali: they ain't, if we're being real Carly: dont want the earth to die Carly: its so pretty Carly: & fun Carly: k i wont have every can Carly: before we get there Ali: 👼🌟🌈🍓🐰👸 Ali: you Ali: and I'm literally just 'round the corner hold on Ali: not dragging my feet 'cos of you babe Carly: ur too sweet Carly: are you the singer & the guitarist or do they make you just do one cos youre too big of a 🌟 Ali: got it in one babe, I'm relegated to guitar #2 most the time Ali: at least you can own the stage more when you ain't so Carly: ill tell them you need to be 1st guitar & lead singer you're too talented for it to go to waste Carly: its sad Carly: but its cute that youre in a band together Ali: you wanna be backup baby? Carly: yea but i cant 😢😢 Ali: you can when it's just us though Ali: you're too pure for rock n roll anyway Ali: their brand of Carly: how you said that makes me think i need to drink more Ali: it's a good thing about you Ali: just saying though, my voice will be fucked by the end of this Carly: ill get you some 🍯 baby Carly: you can be 👼 again in no time Carly: church ready Ali: only if you coming with Ali: 😈 Carly: only if we do some more sinning first Carly: make it worth the walk Ali: naturally Ali: how we do Carly: k Carly: are all the band dating each other or just you two Ali: 😏 more and more apparent how straight you ain't tbh Ali: currently off again, I think Ali: they've all dated each other though, every which way you can combo it Carly: i have met a lesbian before ur rescued me @ that party Carly: been hit on by lots Carly: i kno they like to date in circles & all kinds of other shapes Ali: I bet Carly: aw don't be jealous Carly: i didnt like it Carly: ur my fave Ali: I'm not Ali: am glad I ain't giving off those predatory vibes though Ali: good to know, like Carly: you give off the best vibes Ali: 👼 energy, baby Carly: 🌟💙 Ali: let's hit 'em with it Carly: yea Ali: after she can drive us to a decent shindig 🤞 Carly: me & a car full of gays Carly: ronan will be in a mood ha Ali: always a bonus Ali: also always in a mood Ali: they really would get on if she could get over the whole man hate vibe Carly: ill bring him to the next rehearsal Carly: he thinks hes got what it takes Ali: 😏 Ali: I'll put my money on Mar Ali: poor boy Carly: steals my 🎸 every time he comes over Carly: i cant be impressed that you can play 2 chords baby boy I'm sorry Ali: 😩💦 Ali: even as relegated #2 I can do more than that Ali: promise Carly: me too & im only groupie #1 Carly: he still tries to teach me tho Carly: so boring Ali: 🙄 Ali: what a dickhead Ali: he just wants to be behind you to 'position' your hands, boys love that shit don't they Ali: I know how to play pool too so get off Carly: we should play my da taught me Carly: make some money & have some fun Ali: I'm down Carly: k Carly: cos i need to buy more 💊s he really did eat them all Carly: 😢😢 Ali: Babe Ali: I know a reliable lad Ali: invite him Ali: make it a party Carly: yea me & him been up since i saw you last how long ago was that? forever it feels Carly: be more fun away from site Ali: damn Ali: how the other half live Ali: I feel like I haven't had any fun since I last saw you Ali: get enough to take the edge of your comedown if nothing else or that'll be rough Carly: i wanted to invite u my baby but u kno how he gets Carly: hates that weve met Carly: ill make you feel good now promise Carly: hes had too much of my time Ali: worried that Imma tell you horror stories like you don't know him? Ali: backatcha 💚 Ali: swear Carly: yea he thinks my head's empty Carly: just a body like Carly: not that weve done school for years together or anything Carly: i kno i dont always go but boy come on Ali: you're miles ahead of him Ali: he only acts like he reckons that 'cos he don't want you coming to your senses and binning him off proper, like Carly: ur lil bro writes & reads better Carly: but hes a smart lil cutie Carly: what am i gonna do move the caravan in the middle of the night? no wheels is there Carly: stuck as fwb til he gets married his wife finds out & comes for me Ali: yeah he likes you too Ali: always chatting on when you coming 'round again so you know Ali: better hang some more, for his sake Ali: I know you got locks Carly: aw i love him Carly: always wanted a lil bro but my rents dont fuck no more so that ain't happening Carly: unless my dad knocks up someone younger Carly: u kno id lock myself out & end up round there Carly: ha Ali: lil blue pills don't fail us now Ali: ick Ali: should go to casa flamenco Ali: don't think she'd steal your stash Ali: oldies always have their own, the real good shit too Carly: that what ur calling it Carly: ill steal hers Ali: exactly Ali: 😍 #babe Ali: ronan who Carly: i do go older but not sure i could handle peeling back the wrinkles Ali: weak 😉 Carly: you seduce her for me, thats love Carly: & you wanna be under her anyway Ali: 'scuse you Ali: I'm happily married Carly: me too Carly: pimping me out to the older generation wasnt in the vows were it Ali: could've been Ali: you know how creative I am Carly: yea i do love that about you Ali: I 👀 you Ali: [runs up and takes some of the shit] Carly: [unnecessarily long hug moment because always] Ali: ['it does feel like forever'] Carly: [just rambling on about how much she's missed her & like all the compliments for how she looks/what she's wearing etc cos again always] Ali: [lbr she'd go all out for rehersals even so it would be a look, Ali lowkey fixing Carly up whilst checking 'cos was concerned but not gonna make it a Thing tm] Carly: [save her Ali she looks like shit rn & your gf don't need to be seeing her like that] Ali: [finishing by kissing her nose 'cos that is a thing] Carly: [😳 but really happy obvs & another hug cos they really have missed each other so] Ali: [walking and talking baby] Carly: [& letting Ali catch up with all the drinks Carly's had] Ali: [giving her the lowdown on the other bitches who are clearly not as scary as kstew] Carly: [you'd think she's not listening because 1. state of her & 2. how distracting Ali is in her lewk but she is] Ali: [is like soz it's boring but I'll make it fun] Carly: [she's like its not you're just pretty & also I'm saving you & making it fun] Ali: ['not about to beg but please do'] Carly: ['knew I should've locked that down in the vows' cos being flirty with it] Ali: ['too late now babe, 'less you make me wanna renew'] Carly: [is just like yeah okay will do, soz kstew but we know its true so] Ali: [turning up to your function, imagine kstews face oop] Carly: [Carly handing the booze out cos she's a babe while kstew talks shit on her by pulling Ali aside like we said] Carly: u want me to go? Ali: [Ali tryna explain but also being kinda over this mood like why can't she be here, u lowkey know why but you know] Ali: no Ali: don't Ali: I'll sort it Carly: k Carly: [Carly just drinking a little bit too hard cos the vibe is wrong & her anxiety don't need this thank you ladies] Ali: [just walking away and being like okay come on let's start 'cos can't argue if you're playing] Carly: [pissing about on some spare instruments while they're setting up cos awks] Ali: I've text the lad Ali: reckons 10 minutes 👍 Carly: 💙🌟 Carly: ty Ali: [ooh crimson and clover 'cos joan did it and it'd be a sexy moment so blatantly directed at carly] Carly: [Carly literally 😍 harder than her gf is, oops] Carly: [& so many compliments as soon as the song is over before kstew can get a word in, god bless] Ali: [gently/not being a patronizing dick with it showing her dance moves and stuff like getting her involved without being like you have to perform now lol] Carly: [k stew fuming like now the WARM UP is done we should play OUR songs we all know the type like excuse you everyone is having fun especially my sweet baby angel] Ali: [being like oh but I just learnt this song it's got a good bass bit we should do that, overruled lol] Carly: [has to go with it cos no argument she can make that won't sound petty as hell and not trying to look like that bitch in front of the squad] Ali: [doing electric feel for the gay sexiness] Carly: [Carly even more into it cos a song she knows cos lets say she don't know the glory of our cat song just because so its such a moment okay bye] Carly: [Marlene calling a 🚬 break immediately after cos fuming & that can also be when Drew comes] Ali: [as if you weren't fuming enough there's how a man here 😍 at your woman, also giving them droogs] Carly: [meanwhile Carly ain't noticed cos sharing a 🚬 with the prettiest & least intimidating lesbian perched on her lap like so cosy....way to kill Ali babe we know she's special but let her know please] Carly: [hops off to get her drugs but still a moment] Ali: [these other girls just stirring the pot rn lmao] Carly: [that girl being like you should come out with us & Carly's like yeah cos she's pure] Ali: you know this one's flirting with you too, yeah? Ali: 😏 Carly: ha Carly: shes nice Ali: yeah Ali: pretty cute Carly: u kno the dealer wants to fuck you tho yea Carly: hes pretty Ali: obvs Ali: his hairs a bit naff but yeah Carly: ur gf is gonna drag him out by it Carly: let me slip him my number first ty Ali: lol 🙄 Ali: better you have his, no Ali: 💊 Ali: idk why she's the fun police today Carly: k good idea Carly: [goes to get his deets] Carly: she's so mad Carly: u gotta love me more when shes not around Ali: i ain't done nothing Carly: shes jealous of me like i am of her Carly: two girls one 💙 Carly: [lowkey flirting with Drew before he gets thrown out] Ali: hmm Ali: maybe you can duel Ali: [helping herself 'cos they clearly got enough to go around 'cos Drew's easy lol] Carly: 😢😢 Carly: you want me to be killed Ali: don't be silly Ali: not very gentlemanly of her, she'd never Ali: for someone so punk she loves following rules you know Carly: y u like her or y ur bored? Ali: [casually loling at her phone like what you think] Carly: [a moment of eye contact soz kstew] Carly: y dont i kno this lad? Ali: idk Ali: he wasn't always that cocky Ali: maybe his pubes came in Carly: ha Carly: ill find out Carly: gotta b known as the school slag not the girl who pissed herself on the stage Ali: more catchy Ali: I get it Carly: u only remember our wedding day i kno but it tends to stick in everyone else's memories Carly: a day of bad vibes Ali: I remember you but not like that Carly: hope its not worse Carly: how you do Carly: [casually taking too many 💊 to deal with the bender she's been on with the gypsies, you know Drew will remember her like this] Ali: nah Ali: you were cute Ali: and nice when all these random english kids showed up Carly: cos you were cuter Carly: im always nice to the pretty ones Ali: 💘 Ali: s'a good line walsh, you get it off him n all Carly: 💔😢 Carly: i love you i dont need him feeding me those kind of lines Carly: we gotta crush some of these tho its gonna take forever to kick in Ali: only joking baby don't be sad Ali: [comes over and helps 'cos why not kstew already furious her band practice has descended into anarchy] Carly: [using a shoe she's wearing for once to crush pills casually but stops to put her head on Ali's shoulder cos is sad lowkey] Ali: [gives her top of the head kisses] Carly: [is smiling again & telling her how much she missed her again and all that good gay content while Marlene fumes in the distance] Ali: [whispers like sorry for the bad vibes and I am gonna fix this 'cos she knows it's been fucked but realistically don't know what she's doing about it yet 'cos where do we stand] Carly: [kisses her on the forehead cos that big brain always thinking & worrying & she know] Carly: u wanna 👃 or 👅? Ali: 👃 Carly: yea dont want a numb mouth Carly: no fun Ali: probably would help my throat but kinda 'bout that smokes and drinks a 40 a day vibe so Ali: soz to my nasal cavity in advance Carly: the 🍯 is coming as promised Carly: [puts enough powder in her hand for Ali to snort, how intimate excuse them like she could have used her own hand or any surface Carly but go off] Ali: you're sweet enough darling Ali: [soz kstew just gals being pals 'cos obvs returning the favour and 'holding her hair out the way' aka stroking it] Carly: [when you more about that intimacy than the drug you're trying to take] Carly: aw Ali: [moment being ruined by some kind of unignorable strop moment from marlene clearly so she has to go and have an argument brb] Carly: should i go now? Ali: wait for me Ali: please? Ali: outside if you like or whatever, I'm being selfish but Ali: I ain't staying either Carly: k Carly: [is outside quietly singing a little mash up of both gay covers while she waits, just little bits of lyrics she likes from each lol] Ali: [not tryna drag this out and clearly we can't let it get to let's break up point so] Carly: lets go have some real fun Ali: [when she comes out, resting her arms on her shoulders and spinning her 'round and 'round like let's go] Carly: [is loving life again bye bitches] Ali: ['we can do anything we wanna' means now but also like always] Carly: [is buzzing because her life is literally so stagnant already like what a welcome premise & hugs her cos that's what she wants to do, always gotta be touching] Ali: [and hand holding] Carly: [complimenting her AGAIN as they going along cos she's a really good singer tbf so] Ali: [chatting away 'bout the kinda music she wanna do and what the band is about and starting her own etc but also about how pretty Carly's voice is and how it's too precious for the stage anyway] Carly: [okay but after they've nerded out over music Carly be like 'wait for me' runs into a shop really quick & buys Ali some honey for real cos she that nerd & presents it to her really happily wrapped in her headscarf or something cos again nerd] Ali: [you know how buzzing and touched she'd be 'cos also that nerd, being like you're such an angel and imma get you something so special etc] Carly: [Carly like you gotta eat it tho & opens it right there like she gonna drip it into Ali's mouth if she don't how gaaaaaay, steals some with her finger too obvs cos cute but also accidentally sexy all the time] Ali: [winnie screeching in the distance] Carly: [gets a phone call from her mum & answers in this state cos no fucks given on either side & then turns to Ali like my turn to take you to a family bbq cos I think the contrast would be hilarious so we should but not now cos give them some alone time @ god] Ali: [is down 'cos she's not a snob unlike someone we know rosalin and she'd be lowkey about it 'cos any excuse to spend time] Carly: [ronan will 100% be there cos hilarious like you gotta fight him Ali tbh] Carly: [just rambling about how much she loves Ali rn though cos always] Carly: 💙🌟🐝👼🚀 Ali: [backatcha and dropping the charity shop plan] Carly: [is so down obvs like little kid levels of excited] Ali: [running thru the streets of dublin like babes] Carly: [god fucking bless] Ali: [charity shop crawl so wild like leave 'em be world] Carly: [like how pure that they think of cat lady Ro & kstew would never bitch] Ali: [probably making friends with all the nice old ladies in there/horrifying the old bitches tho too lol] Carly: [this is why Carly makes my heart hurt cos she'd wanna be friends but would probably horrify lol] Ali: [tbf they are high] Carly: [as per again let them live peeps its summer] Ali: [should steal something but like something really tiny and silly 'cos sinning and stealing from a charity shop is pretty bad in a cute way somehow lol] Carly: [but leaving shoes behind or something cos barefoot life so the universe is balanced] Ali: [and ali would buy stuff for 'em both but making sure carly knows this ain't THE gift 'cos wants to swag that lol] Carly: [okay but can they also come back to buy homewares for the caravan when she gets her own thanks bye] Ali: [absolutely, just window shopping rn how you do like 'when I have my own place' but saying we 'cos #married] Carly: [Ali can actually get one of the actual things when cos its still there, oh my heart]
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you're able to create characters that are just... so thoroughly well-made and i'm left wondering... how?? like... how do you do what you do so well? i look at any piece of art with any character, and even if it's just a quick doodle, i'm instantly reminded of everything the character is, and it makes me care for them. i just... i've been trying to do the same for years, but i come up empty every time. how do you do it? i'm sorry if the wording doesn't really make any sense
i dont know if i can give a straight answer. i feel like ive always been pretty decent at capturing nuance of humans, and im not trying to say that in some sort of horn tootin way. ive had many people in my life tell me that i have lots of “chihiro tapping her shoes onto her feet” moments when i draw art depicting humans and i think that might have to do with making characters pop. (and honestly watching that one bit of the bonus features of spirited away where they Do talk about capturing that sort of human realism each character has uniquely really Did leave a huge impact on me as a child growing up with art as a passion)
theres a certain attention to detail you need to pay attention to and keep consistent when you want to portray a fake person as a real human to create a connection. people stand different, make different expressions, gesture differently. and then you have to think about Why they do that. give them a reason even if its “assmcgee sags his pants bc he likes sweat pants, but the elastic is over stretched bc hes been wearing this pair for years (and hes a dumbass who thinks it looks cool)”
i dont know if this is really an answer to your specific question, i dont know exactly what makes my ocs resonate with other people, no ones explained to me what they think in that sense, just bc it tends to be a vague feeling and not concrete bullet point lists. i kind of just do everything by ear and vibe with my characters on a personal level. like, in my head, my ocs are their own people. i can ask them questions and see how they respond, how they hold themselves, etc bc i know their personality and past and how that affects who they are today. its kinda like actors being able to get into the headspace of their characters.
i guess another thing could be understanding personalities and knowing when to break away from tropes that help other people understand your characters. tropes are good for establishing basics of characters. like. ryan is cockroach spiderman. and you can draw all sorts of information from that. radioactive bug bit him and he has super powers. but instead of helping him and making him feel able to help others, ryan hates his change and it destroys his self esteem and confidence. this kinda makes the trope seem less trope-y and makes a charcater seem more human. humans dont fit into tropes. youve had a horoscope that was wrong before.
idk i feel like ive rambled and theres a lot of info here that may or may not answer your question but. i just really dont know what to say to answer your question in specific. theres just lots of things i dont understand why they work, but they do.
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asterisks in certain places bc i dont want this to show up in the search idk
honestly all the fa*keclaim stuff abt intro*jects regarding D*ID/O*SDD makes me feel like im making up so much shit
idk theres been a lot of incredibly stressful stuff in my life lately and ive been obsessing over this one game the entire time and it deadass seems like i split off so many fucking intro*jects from it. literally just today some shit happened that heavily suggests i might have done it again, in fact, after spending the entire day playing the story mode of the spinoff mobile game.
i sit here like "i have so many comorbid mental issues and m*emory gaps and trauma symptoms and i Hear People in my thoughts that dont feel like me and my sense of identity is super unstable and-" and then i think abt how many potential introj*ects i might have from this one source i take a lot of comfort in and it's often just enough to make me question the validity of absolutely everything else. not a fan of that
hopefully not far in the future im gonna figure more of this shit out and see a professional and all that and figure out what's really going on and if im right to be thinking it's very likely i have one of those disorders but for now imma sit and be mad that things that shouldnt make me feel invalid make me feel invalid
also i just found out about like 5 mins ago abt yet another thing i have no memories of. lol. lmao. apparently my nan used to make me feel bad abt how i spent my money as a kid. good job grandparent that definitely didnt probably worsen any guilt-based problems
it's weird cause now that it's been mentioned to me im like oh yeah!! that happened. i know it happened but i cant remember anything too specific except for as im typing this one incredibly blurry memory regarding my sister at a shop we used to go to. it's almost like an abstract watercolour painting in how blurred and nondescript it is. i cant have been that young and the event definitely did upset me, there was something else that happened afterwards that stood out too so i dont know how i forgot it for so long.
just another thing to ponder i suppose. another thing to bring up with my therapist lmfao (excited about that actually!!! good god im hyped for finally getting help with all my shit!!! this sounds maybe sarcastic but im serious aaa but anyway)
now what i need is to get to the real bottom of my spending guilt problems, cause ive definitely had them longer than however old i was then. like, to the point where at maybe 6-7 (age guess, idk how young but very very young) i felt uncomfortable asking my parents to buy me things. i still never ask them to get me stuff, they have to offer or even "make" me get things from them. concerning, in hindsight.
this went ridiculously off topic but that's what this blog is for i guess. the person i mainly discuss the first half of this ramble with has been offline all day; id like to yowl at them about how happy i am to see them again when they get back online instead of hounding them with all that, and the second half wasnt actually what i wanted to talk about but it just happened so oops? anyway im done now
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