#ive been trying to make less depressive

[girlwithfish]

bye i had another stupid fight last night and then we fucked crazy after. my bf nd i have sm much struggle w communication nd conflict management that were working on ig thats just how it is when i have bpd and he has adhd and/thus we both dont have high emotion regulation tolerance. Lmao. but then we fuck and r super in love bc our sexual compatability is perfect and its super intimate and then im happy again🙏🙏

#trying to make a change #But im happy were having sex agaim cuz its hard when ive been depressed and were both on ssris and this month has been a lot so #the sex has been less often which kinda sucks cuz i miss when i had the energy nd time to fuck every day lmaooo now i fuck like twice a week #max then werel ike distant and depressed and dont fuck but its cuz i was depressed all week this week nd #exhausted from therapy and new meds so i had no free time lol #Idk... #sex solves every problem for me tho #like oh were feeljng distant from each other. -> raw sex. problem solved

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

see sometimes I try and think about it all more logically. what if it was all happening to a friend. my friend!! you completely forgot to feed your kitten his wet food for five days? you haven't drunk water for a couple of days? you didn't shower or change your clothes for four days? you've only eaten two actual meals in the last two days? your average sleep in the last week is around five hours? my friend, you need help.

since it's me, I don't need help.

#most of it has been genuine forgetfulness/zoning out and 'oh it's 2am' #but like. last night i was lying awake hungry as anything bc all I had was dinner and not a great deal of that. if id been in a house on my #own i would've hopped up and got smth but i couldn't in case of disturbing grandma #(I have since purchased things that I will store near my bed that I can either take out of there #or leave them there for any such emergencies. if you call them emergencies. sometimes if i can't handle eating normally if i can't see what #im eating i can manage that - makes it less real somehow.) #honestly tho i am shocked by how immediately all my carefully created routines have fallen apart tbh #should i talk to my lecturer at uni who does the 12-2 class? to check she's ok with me eating in class? bc otherwise i will likely not eat #anything before dinnertime. probably skip breakfast #i don't know. i don't know anything. i love my course i love it so much and i don't know how i'll handle it #but i don't think i'd handle not doing it #idk im just so tired man #depression does a number on you frfr #okay that's it im turning on the heater finding some music and doing a lil dance. see if i feel better. maybe try a bit of hot water with #ginger or smth livening in it. i do want to try that. something to wake you up. ive been in a dead depressed limbo for five hours straight #and done nothing of use #tw ed #good news tho i find my anxiousness overall reduces the more depressed i am xD idk why lol #personal #puddleglum hours

[maiaacchiato]

anyhow

#mia's ramblings #you know that analogy of depression #where like the analogy goes smthn like #youre drowning and youre trying to save yourself but no matter how hard you try to make yourself float the currents dont let you escape so #-you just let the ocean engulf you into nothingness because youre so goddamn tired all your efforts are futile and giving up doesnt sound s #-bad if all this comes to an end so you stop trying you stop trying to get to the surface and let the darkness of the ocean's abyss consume #-you #and stuff #take that entire concept #but make it literal #i almost drowned 5 times over the weekend and nearly got killed by a jellyfish i am not okay #like my arms are still dead #my right wrist has carpal tunnel and ive got bruises everywhere swimming out sea is no fucking joke #the amount of rocks ive stepped on that nearly made my foot bleed #but yeah anyways this analogy of depression really stuck to me #the first time i saw this analogy was like 3 years ago and ive never been the same since #i guess in my case on the weekend it was both literal and like. whatever the other word was #i was and am physically And mentally drained from all that #and trying to pull yourself? back to shore? exhausting. never again. #i would give up in like 3 seconds or less if a riptide ever caught me

[mothbeasts]

Okay trying to not get like too serious or anything but. I am having a Time today. Being hit with the realization that I'll probably have to retake this year of school.

#bee's buzzing #that on top of my one week break is. kinda hurting? i know i cant pull it back up fron here #and like! i know why its because of my mental illness but. #it doesnt. hurt less? and i know that retaking the year. itll hurt. i wont get to be with my friends or Anything. #and tbh. if that happens im more than likely just going to isolate myself again rather than try to make new friends. #i feel so horrible and i know theres not much i can do to fix it at this point. #im exhausted and i cant get any help or accomodation or anything. #my school isnt required to do that for me. so they dont. all i get is 'call your teachers :)' #calling my teacher wont help when i cant focus. when im so depressed i can hardly even get out of bed. #ive been clinging SO hard to being able to graduate next year and... its gone. thats gone. im so far behind in all of my classes. #i cant catch up. i feel like im drowning in work. and like! ugh. my parents dont help me. they just. tell me to keep working #and to do more. and every time i say 'i did all I could today' im hit with 'you should try to do more though' #i guess what im trying to say is. i think i overestimated myself and stretched myself too thin and now im suffering the consequences. #i shouldve stayed in person but. i was scared because my mom and sister were both high risk and. i just. panicked. #ugh. sorry for getting emotional or whatever i just feel gross today

[furryfantasies]

debating if i should wake up or just go back to sleep

#miniz rambles #kinda moody #vent #i was trying to draw yesterday and never got any alone time #i highly doubt today will be any different #every single time i sleep and wake up with the intent to have alone time for hours #my family start to wake up and at that point i can kiss any semblance of peace and quiet gone #i dont feel comfortable drawing around most people and yes ive tried to work up the courage i cant do it #all i do is play video games and getting not else done #id probably feel less depressed if i could change it up a bit every once and a while #but i cant cuz of social anxiety i fucking hate it #anyway i feel like going back to bed so that i can finally be left alone for once #but sleeping all day isnt healthy and would probably make me feel even worse #but also i cannot stand being around my family sometimes im so sick of being reminded of my triggers and dont have the heart to tell them #every single day its a battle to fight off thoughts about my ex #and i thought i healed already its been a year #he'd probably tell me to grow up and get over it like he did when he broke up with me #anyway ill shut up now ill probably wake up anyway out of autopilot or whatever or my siblings bug me

[be-good-to-bugs]

i need to go to bed but i dont wannnaaaaa

#the bin #i work at 7am and its 1:23 am i have GOT to go to bad but ugh. if i go to bed then that means ill have to go to work as sokn as im conscious #so the longer i stay up the more time i have. but km gonna be so tired at work. hhhhh. #i dont know why but ive felt so horrible today. super anxious. miserable and really sad #im trying to just deal with it. soon enough things are gonna change. its only 34 days till my planned moving date. i will only bave like 20 #more shifts at this job. maybe less depending on what i get given. including tomorrows shift. and tomorrows shift is only 5 hours long #and the day after its only 4 hours and then i have 2 more days off. itll be ok. but i still feel so anxious and depressed and awful #i just wanna stay home and be high all the time. i feel so lonely always. literally the only thing that helps me not feel completely crushed #and paralyzed by how lonely i am is getting high. i know its not healthy to rely on getting high to feel better about stuff but idk what #else to do so who cares. when i dont do anything about it i i stead end up relapsing or worse so i think its an ok option #i hope i can meet nice people this year. year after year it doesnt happen but so much has changed! #it makes sense i havent met people since i moved out. and everything is so different from wwhen i last lived with them #all my siblings are in school. they have people over at the hair a fair bit afaik. my dad wont be there to me make feel awful. my sister #also wont be there to me me feel awful. i can figure something out. itll be ok. it has to be. #i just want to squeeze someone. i just want like. a hug. a good cuddle. and i need to talk to someone. its been so long since u had an actul #fun time hanging out with another person. i need to watch a movie with someone and joke around and. ugh. #how did my life reach this point? what happened that resulted in me spending ages 10-19 all alone. im not even 19 yet but i will be soon #and theres not a chance ill meet someone before then esp bc im moving. when i was little i didnt have mych friends but i had some #i had such high hopes for the future. i also thought the future would be terrible but i imagined id still have friends and peopwl to talk to #all ive wanted sincei was 10 is just to have people to talk to and hangout with. but i dont have a single friend. i can hardky name anyone #besides my family and coworkers. and like aa couple of my sisters friends. there isnt even like people i know who i dont really consider #friends but we talk sometimes. if i dont go to work. call my mom. or tex a sibling. i dont see or talk to anyone period #i guess unless i go to the store. that doenst really count tho. #i want to have a friends group. i want to have A friends. just like. a person. to interact with. what happened that made mw spend the past #8 years just not interacting with anyone? whats wrong with me. #its fine tho. becausebit will change. i acan heal from this and i can meet people. even if half my conscious life has been spent all alone #it will get better. it has to.

[viosjaan]

i don't think you want anything to do with me anymore so i can just vent the texts i want to send to you here

#i am sorry #truly genuinely #ive been trying to justify it to myself that we weren't technically together and you said go kiss other people ill still be here meet your #needs in the way you want #but i think it was #yesterday #this guy flirted with me and i flirted back but then suddenly this wave of disgust and self loathing hit me #like what am i even doing #how could i have done that #you were sitting there thinking we're okay you thought we were still together and im just in a bad mood going thru one of those depressive #episodes you were so understanding when you shouldn't have been because if i say im in love with you i should be there for you every step #of the way. #but you go through so much shit alone and im never there for you or atleast not there for you a lot of times and then i blame you for #liking your bestfriends more like it's so stupid obviously love should be reliable stable #and we were something na. we were everything except the label #i should have told you the moment i started feeling empty and dissatisfied again #but just. this isn't an excuse but like i didn't want to hurt you by bringing up this same fight for the one thousandth time #we agreed that you're not in the position to give more and i agreed to be okay with it and i really was. #but i can't help myself i want to give you everything i hate that feeling that i need to be less love less WANT less. mujhse nahi ho pata #i wasn't lying or pretending to be okay with it i was TRYING my best to be okay with it because i love you and this was the only way to #not lose you forever #now i just want to move on fr and be just friends with you. i can't lose you as a person but i don't know how to make this up to you #i am physically incapable of being in this situationship i want a relationship or a friendship i can't with this in between #which is what i told you in jan. i remember my chest actually feeling heavy with fear bc i was so scared of hurting you and getting hurt #again. jokes on me my worst fears came true all the progress we made by taking space is lost #i don't know if you really deleted my playlist. i tried to listen to more songs from it but they're so. lovely. talking about epic grand #love. which we have. but it's like waving a candy in front of a kid and snatching it away it hurts too much to have all the feelings and #none of the relationship. now that ive talked to some people in the romantic sense i get it #you were my best love my most perfect love there are no flaws there's nothing anyone else can do that can be equal or more to what you did #but idk it isn't meant to be maybe there's no future

[29121996]

.

#planets fucking my shit up again can i catch a break. seriously. #i cannot do this anymore. im losing my mind n im seriously suicidal AGAIN like . #why does shit ha e to ve so hard why do i have to keep fucking pushing through what is ths point. #its 2 #2:30pm and im wanting to die . sick i love that . #fucksake i cannot keep doing this. i seriously cant lmao if shit doesnt changs and get better within the next . week i am #going to off myself fr. its been 2months (actually its been longer but whatever) #trying to use loa to help myself n i feel lile its just making iy worse bc how am i doing everything right #or think im doing everything right. but nothinf has changed yet. #i want it to change . i cant do this #i cant b unemployed anymore. i cant be missinh him this intensely anymore. im so angrt and upset im #i wanns fucking scream.lol . i want to do stupif shit and wreck my fucking life to feel something that isnt this . #bc doing everything right and staying correct is getting me nowhere so far #ivw beem awake dor 3hrs and ive been sad this whole entire time. ive showered n eaten ! #am . probably gonna ask irl if she . wants to come.to beach w me this afternoon so i can feel less shitty #and have company. while im Sugfering at least . #i dont know i dont. i get sad n suddenly deel like a vurden #even tho im NOT and she . probsbly wouldnt mind being there for me but . #i dont . h :( i just want this to end #brain keeps gettibg worse ! how am i supposed tocget better ! #anyway whatever its fucking fine. ill be fine but hesus christ im so tired of going through the worst fucking pain #every few years / months . what is the point od all of this #im depressed agaon ik that . i have neen for nearly a mojth but . i dont.

[1327-1]

my hard launch to get medicated immediately thwarted by healthcare professional who believes i am there to inconvenience them

#thinking more abt dr appt and it was actually dog shit #i was like hey i dont eat regularly for several weeks. and maybe bcoz i make insane amount of eye contact w new ppl i meet i was seen as a #healthy functioning adult individual idk u tell me #i show up. the doctor Has the notes. i am asked ‘so why are you here’ my brain shuts down and takes the ‘for a general checkup like any #other normal person haha’ im swept out the door in less than 15 minutes #like what the fuck is going on. ive always been on a fuck doctors bias bcoz every single time i go theyre tryna get me out of there as quick #as possible. like my hand pain?? charged me an expensive xray to tell me i was fine despite how much pain i suffer day to day #i try n not think abt the crushing reality of how hard it is for ppl to give a shit abt black bodies but holy shit #this stuff is fucking wild. and then who am i to say anything #.jrnl #its just hilarious that i am forced to take an anxiety and depression assessment and none of that comes into play. u are talking to an #unmedicated severely anxious and depressed person. u can lead me to some water and drown and they do it Every Single Time and im like ok #haha funny surely next time i’ll get something to make me feel better! two yrs later #whatever. bad brain yapfest

[hakugreenfinch]

sorry im being silly tonight. im just thinking about how. i was placed 3rd at a cosplay competition at japanexpo paris this year. and its one of my biggest achievements as a cosplayer and i cant really brag about it. like i told my parents. i guess. my friends congratulated me. thats nice. like. really nice. but idk its like. when people go to cons abroad and get placements, even when they dont, mondo posts about it and they get two pages in the next mondo issue. and i guess you have to let them know for them to report it but. it just feels like something thats cool if youre a big cosplay name and trashy if youre not and with 13 years like literally half my lifetime and a long history of competing i know im still not someone anyone would name their favourite cosplayer. im just some guy whos too broke and depressed to be able to make a big name and so my shitty little third place at the biggest anime con in europe feels like no big deal.

#hakuna matata #i won a prize at mondocon this april and the only reason im proud of that is a cosplayer i really love judged me #i was really happy i could show myself off to her and that she liked me this much bc shes the reason i started doing skits #otherwise it was... humiliating. #a pat on the head. #every other craft category got cosplay supplies. i got a big led keyboard for a computer i dont have because it was from a sponsor. #im conflicted too bc if i were to tell mondo about it they would post about it like 'representing hungary' #i didnt represent shit. i represented myself and an anime i love. i entered because my mondo prize felt like a sick joke #and i wanted to know if im worth anything as a craftsman besides being a funny clown #its like i do cool shit but barely anyone sees it. #something something tree falling in a forest #its also hurting because just this year i was told by someone that i cant cosplay seriously without expensive tools #this was someone with less experience than me too #like... what do i have to do? i compete abroad #i get prizes abroad i win mondo prizes ive been doing it for more than a decade i learned entirely new skills trying to cut costs #what do i have to do to be like. more than a clown in funny costumes. #(running a facebook page is not an option. i deleted the old one in a depressive episode and im not making another one) #argh idk. i published a fanbook this year. about to open preorders for my first collaborative charity fanzine. #it feels like the only people i can brag about these to are the people who already know about everything i do and support me #which!!! really!!! im super glad to have friends like this!!! #its just. sigh i wish i could tell more people about the things i do and get a reaction other than 'ok but who are you' #or 'idk what this means but congrats' #like. more than a pat on the head. #idk. idk im sad again and i feel like nothing matters and i dont want to bore my friends with this. #they deserve better than me making them feel like their love and support doesnt mean as much as they want to.

[tropicalscream]

im just at the worst ive been mentally over a year

so depressed about personal life stuff andd needing to make $1000 in less the a month for rent still no job idk

so bad that i relapsed hard after being good for ober a year and a really bad spiral os gonna start and i dant even afford weed to keep it at bay anymore

if anyone can please help im sorry im.like this im really really really sorry

$1000 needed for rent in 10 days

venmo: redloop

paypal: tropscream

cashapp: $TropScream

im sorry im trying my best please share and help

#dog help

[mrfoox]

Today is another I wish i was born a guy day. Imagined myself with stubble/beard and I almost cried

#miranda talking shit #Im not a pretty girl i could be an handsome man though #Wish i could grow a beard on mere thought like yeah... #My bodyshape isnt right either /: my mom called me 'he' by accident yesterday and i got way too happy #I know my gender feeling is a fucking shitshow but usually i can ignore it like... Yeah im not a cute girl but im a creature shaped #Like one thats alright. But then i have days i just wanna have a beard no bubs a less hourglass shape etc #And it makes me so depressed. Like i have days where im like yeah im more of a dude but i dont feel uncomfortable in my body #But then yeah these days ... So uncomfortable in my body i am not in the right shape /: #Today i just want to be an handsome dude... Idk how to explain it ive never been able to #I think im genderfluid ? Heck idk i try to not tjinl too hard about it bc since i was a teen od even younger it has been a mess for me

[placetoputawaymythoughts]

[gets up only to be able to spend time w one friend and share one activity w friend]

[friend immediately ruins it and sends me back into depression by depressionposting to me]

#like ok now i feel like shit too and i cant do anything for u And i cant finish the thing that was gonna make us happy #good job #i know i sound like a bitch but i rlly do mean i am Only trying to wake up on time at all bc of Them when i cant bother getting up #bc of depression #and its like #god its stupid shit to spiral over and i KNOW depression isnt logical ive been spiralling for less too in the past month #but im so sick of being ppls therapist #im sick of it #learn ur own emotional management dear god #mine

[sunfortune]

hiiii i recently watched kanthony (the so called bridgerton show or whatever) and was wondering if u have any fic recs... 👉👈🤭

okay i litchrally have never compiled a list even tho ive been asked before bc i have read too many to keep them organized. but ill do it. Finally. for YOU.

first. my fav period setting fics <33:

tete a tete by caciopepebowl (14k~) this is REQUIRED reading to ME. its a quick read that explores kate and anthonys roles in their family. with an emphasis on KATE specifically bc of the additional hurdles of being a woman with limited funds. and anthony losing his mind on her behalf while shes breaking his heart by being like "the way i was treated was normal?? you dont know anything" and hes like "what? kate you deserved everything. you deserve ALL the love in the world!!" and shes all ">:( well if i do. you do too." . and hes like "oh. well...no. you see.. bc i suck" and shes like -_-. its really sweeeeeet and lovely <3) and really finally gave me the exploring of kates family issues that THE SHOW DID NOT!!!

the longest betrothal by caciopepebowl. (90k~) my FAVVVVV regency setting fic. its sooo good. its basically a continuation that fills in the gap AFTER they get engaged but BEFORE theyre married. and them trying SO hard to be normal about how in love they are lol. SO funny and sweet. and with IMMACULATE characterization

in vino veritas by wagamiller. (~10k) a one shot about kate going to a ladies society event and coming home drunk to anthony and him being soooo smitten with her. sauuuur cute. ive read this like 4 times <3

for reasons wretched and divine by penny_loaf. (~18k. locked fic. need an account.) basically kate and anthony get stuck in a time loop on that first day edwina is receiving suiters. they both think theyre alone in the loop and its depressing until they realize the other is stuck with them too. they try to break the loop and fail repeatedly. after a while they just give up and start fucking bc theres no consequences so who cares LOL. surprisingly tender and sweet

the harsh light of day by burnerraccount. (~22k. locked) explicit one shot. kate has the idea that they should fuck before they get married so theres less pressure on the wedding night. she decides all this without mentioning it to anthony (LOL). so she shows up at his house the night before their wedding. and his footman is like "theres a woman outside to see you" and he in all his goofy almost-married bliss is like "i dont want to see Any woman but my gorgeous, beautiful, amazing WIFE" and his footman is like "well. you see.. it is your wife. uh fiance" and anthonys like "[voice crack] huh ?". very FUNNY

green in its many hues by burnerraccount. kate and anthony decide they are going to be chaste and proper leading up to their wedding. they suck at it SO bad lol

next. modern AUS my best friends <33:

la semi dolce vita by caciopepebowl (~170k) my FAVVVV modern au of ALL time. kate is a private chef. anthonys family hires her when they go on vacation. hes being so normal about it. i promise. this is one of the best characterizations of kate AND anthony in a modern setting. with an extra emphasis on focusing on kate issues. and not JUST anthonys. which is what makes the dynamic sooo good. 10/10. hot. and i love LOVE <3

close encounters of the acutest kind by caciopepebowl (WIP ~74k. only incomplete fic ill put on this list i PROMMY. bc its by the prev author. and i Looove their writing and its sooo good so far <3) kate and anthony meet for the first time the DAY her dad died which is also the SAME DAY hyacinth is born. theyre both having a panic attack and end up running into the same empty hospital room to have it. are then intrinsically linked forever. as one is. run into each other multiple times over the years. with different feelings each time. and they are so normal (lying) <3. i love them

chosen & cherished by trash4ficsaboutlurv. (~42k) this is so underrated. kate runs a charity organization. anthony is CEO of whatever the fuck. she goes to his company when theyre holding some audition for what charity theyre going to invest in and kate is the last speaker and when its finally her turn he doesnt even pay attention. and shes exhausted and overworked and just oveeeer it All. so she just ends the meeting and tells him to go fuck himself. LOL. genuinely really good. and hot <3

sidelines by ramarro. (~60k) this was THE quintessential kanthony modern AU in 2022. took a far fetched premise and somehow made it soooo good. and hot. and cute. kates an artist who sees a picture of anthony on tinder and thinks he looks obnoxious (lol) but screenshots the photo so she can use it for sketching practice. and then she see him and his grown ass on a date with her BABY sister. and shes like well i was right about him. and lets him know to his face how she feels (LOL). its wild. it slays. read it. theres an explicit follow up to it which also slays

three cities and we never lived here by ramarro. (~25k, ~40k) very different modern au where kate and anthony meet on vacation and are very casual with them both not looking for anything (genuinely for once lol) and then seeing each other multiple times over 2-3 years in different cities and still keeping it casual. but slowly slowly slowlyyyy it doesnt feel as casual as it used to. theres 2 fics in this. the first is kates pov. the second is anthony. both very good.

just go with it by suitsusboth. (~18k) kate when booking a flight sees the potential titles like ms, mrs, dr, and "viscountess" listed as a legit option and has a laugh like whos picking this goofy shit and accidentally clicks it. and then on her flight gets upgraded to first class next to anthony bc they assumed she was his wife. and he tries to be mad about it. but well. hes stupid for her in every universe so lol. funny and sweet

the air i breathe and the bane of my existance by the_loosest_moose. (image fic) these are textfics told through instagram, twitter, article and text message screenshots. with some regular text. would just check them out to gauge how you feel about the storytelling method. very fun reads once you get the hang of it

heirlooms by waterlilyrose. (~12k) modern au where kate gets anthonys ring stuck on her finger for days and has to wait to get it off. he is of course very normal about it

a devils love by irony_rocks. (~57k) this may not be for everyone but kanthony season came out around the same time as the batman (2022) and as someone who was crazy insane about both. this was the MOMENT for me in spring 2022. its a crime mafia type au where kates character is inspired by selina kyle and the pebble lounge where she worked in the batman movie. and well. if youre about that specific combo check it out. if you arent i wouldnt recommend this lmao. its not a batman au

break point (series) by penny_loaf. (multiple. ~25k) like prev this entire series gets kind of dark bc it really delves into the pressure of the world its set in. on TOP of the issues kate and anthony already have. i LOVED it. BUT also i am an ANGST and crazy, complicated characters STAN. which may not be the case for everyone.. but again very GORGEOUS to ME <3 and hot. LOL

take me home by kendal_lynne. (~12k) romcom type explicit one shot where kate makes the mistake of telling anthony her ex couldnt make her come. and hes all like i volunteer as tribute PLEASE PKLEASE PLEASE PICK ME CHOOSE ME PLWASEE etc

we never made a sound by writergirl8. (~4k) spy au that was soooooo good and sexy. i wish it was longer

with elaichi by serendipityinwords (~6k) the two biggest bitches at a dinner party find out they're soulmates. LOL. hilarious dialogue

theres probably more i loved that im not remembering rn and maybe ill update this but for now have fun! yippee <3

#to everyone who doesnt gaf sorry for this long ass post #to everyone who does care this took 3 HOURS dont ever say i never did anything for youuuyuyu!!! #bridgerton #kanthony fic #kanthony fanfiction #kanthony #LONG POST #bridgerton*