#ive been up since 4am this is what happens

[fceriestcrdst]

the sudden exhaustion of being told i don't have plans has hit...like a truck

#idk maybe its bc ive been up since 4am #or the weather or bc my teeth & mouth hurt again #idk #maybe in still having a flare from the cfs im positive i have #idkidk #im just tired & wish i could write full fics again #maybe i'll see if i can just not go anywhere for a few days #maybe that'll fix me. maybe #or #is it depression. has that mean bitch come back after fucking off for 6 months? #who knows. i sure hope not because now is not the time for her #ive been doing so well---though to be fair. i am actively watching my dog fade away #so that could also be a factor #ive also given myself a fucking earache from grinding my teeth so much today #idk. i keep trying to think up comfort scenarios & they all go from normal to awful #do my friends hate me or do i just need to go to sleep? who knows. idk what's happening currently #its very annoying & im sorry i keep being so fucking whiny & sad on main #im just over exhausted + my dog + my country wants me dead + everything else #kit releases his feelings

[disneyprincemuke]

oscar's girl * ls2

logan never thought he would meet the girl that broke oscar’s heart

pairings: logan sargeant x fem!reader

word count: 4.2k

notes: guys ive been writing this since 10pm girl it's mf 4am now please sue me i'm sorry this was a long wind up im sorry but dont worry i will be writing a part two HELL YEAHHHH

(logan's girl) // |(f1 masterlist)

oscar and logan, logan and oscar. that's how it's been since they had run into each other during a karting weekend in the uk a couple of years ago. oscar had approached him with a toothy grin and a packet of candy after seeing logan walk around by himself for weekends at a time.

maintaining the friendship isn't the easiest of feats: logan lives in south florida, while oscar lives on the opposite side of the globe in melbourne. they don't see each other for very long, and very often in a year. but, it always feels like no time has passed when they get together after months of separation.

but being apart for the majority of the year means the window they've got to keep an ongoing conversation is small. but their string of texts has always come in consistently every day, responses from the other flooding in the early hours of the morning and sometimes in the dead of the night.

that was, until, logan woke up one warm thursday morning to an empty and dry phone. he brushed it off, taking it that oscar just had a long day at school. perhaps too much had happened in the day to simply text at the end of the day. so he went to school as he usually did with his best friend in the back of his mind.

but one day turned into two, and suddenly he hadn't heard from oscar in almost a week.

logan had sent one follow-up text. a simple 'hey' to nudge oscar into a response. which did help, because him and oscar surprisingly texted for a short thirty-minute window before the australian called it quits on their conversation to get some sleep for the next school day.

until oscar goes radio silent again for the next three days. so, he goes to the one other person in oscar's life that he knows personally.

"hey mum," logan starts, walking into the kitchen hesitantly. he's been dancing around the idea of asking his mum for help to see if oscar's even still alive and has not been replaced by some clone that's somehow less chatty than the one he said goodbye to at the airport four months ago.

"yeah, baby?" his mother stands up from her prior hunched-over position at the fridge to smile at him. she opens her arms as he approaches her hesitantly, fiddling with his thumbs. "what's wrong?"

he hums, second-guessing his decision to bring his mother into the situation. perhaps oscar just no longer wants to be friends with him anymore? but if that were the case, oscar definitely would have said something to his face and he's just been quiet. "um, it's just oscar," he starts softly, dropping his gaze to his feet, "can you ask his mum if he's alright?"

"of course," she smiles, letting go of him. she walks around the kitchen counter to find her phone. "why, did something happen to him recently? break another wrist?"

logan shakes his head, pressing his lips together. "no, we haven't been talking as much as we used to. i'm just worried that something might have happened to him."

a blush creeps up his cheeks when his mother's lips pout as she tries to hide her smile. "aw, logan! that's very cute of you. and very thoughtful," she teases as she starts to type on her phone. "i'm texting his mum right now. you hang tight and i'll tell you when she gets up to text me, okay?"

"okay."

he tries not to linger around his mum's circle of personal space for very long, afraid to let on that he's more concerned than he should be for the status of his friendship. to combat the anxiety of potentially losing one of his best friends, he locks himself in his room and plays video games all afternoon.

he had been in the middle of a game in call of duty when his phone started to ring. he glances at from his position on his bed and perks up with oscar's picture taking over the screen of his phone.

he immediately pauses the game, tossing the controller to the side of his bed. he slides his finger across the screen to pick up the call and oscar, visibly tired, pops up on his screen with a small smile.

"hey! my mum just got off the phone with your mum," oscar whispers with a smile. "said you missed me, mate?"

"no, i was just concerned cause you've been off the grid for a while," logan scoffs with an eye roll. "i never said i missed you."

"well, i'm sorry for disappearing on you, mate," oscar drops his gaze and a small smile creeps up on his face. in the dim orange lighting of his bedroom in melbourne, logan can almost make out the redness coming through on oscar's cheeks. "there's a reason for that. it's not because i don't wanna be friends anymore. i've just been a little... preoccupied."

logan tilts his head. he rolls over to his stomach and holds the phone up to his face. "what do you mean? more preoccupied than usual?"

"yeah," oscar giggles. "i uh... i've got-" he clears his throat, the slight embarrassment getting the better of him. he lifts his eyes from his thighs and moves the phone slightly further away. "i got a girlfriend."

logan furrows his eyebrows, throwing his head back slightly in shock. "what?"

"yeah," oscar repeats with a hint of a giggle in his response. "i've been seeing her for a while. do you mind if i tell you about her a little bit?"

"really?" logan smiles, squinting an eye. truthfully, he's finding it a little bit hard to believe that oscar's suddenly got a girlfriend. they're literally always on the phone with one another, texting and updating one another on things that they've got no idea about in their day-to-day lives.

not once has oscar come up to him about a girl before, much less developing a crush on somebody. "this is a bit sudden, isn't it? like, where did this girl come from?"

"she's new," oscar smiles. "so, do you wanna know about her or not?"

"alright, fire away, lover boy."

they talk - no, oscar talks - for the next hour about the girl that's recently enrolled into his private school. all logan can do is giggle and smile with oscar at how their relationship had gone down.

even after oscar has hung up, logan still doesn't really know much about the girl he's spent the better part of the past hour talking about. oscar simply refers to her as 'my girl'.

the next time oscar and logan reunite in the uk is at the end of the year. their mothers made an effort to get flights close to one another, letting them run into each other at the mcdonald's in the airport unknowingly while getting food before heading to the hotel.

"dude!" logan cheers, smacking oscar on the shoulder roughly.

"huh?" the smaller boy ahead of him looks up from his phone, turning his head to be greeted by a familiar pair of green eyes. he immediately locks his phone and slips it into his back pocket as realisation slowly dawns on him. "logan!"

"too busy texting on your phone to even notice i was behind you the entire time," logan scoffs jokingly as a hand comes up to pat him on the shoulder.

oscar presses his lips together as a blush creeps up on his cheeks. "sorry. i was texting my girl!"

"my girl this, my girl that," logan rolls his eyes with a smile. "did she not come along with you?"

"no, mate. she's off for a holiday with her family," oscar shrugs, biting down on his lip.

for the rest of the trip, logan will often catch Oscar cheesing at his phone. it doesn't matter when or where: they could be in their hotel room watching a movie, on the track waiting for the race to start, or while they're having a casual chat before they go to bed.

one question haunts logan for the rest of their stay in the uk: who is this girl?

though, it seems that logan is never destined to meet this girl that his best friend spent an entire year gushing about. because at three in the morning on a random saturday in may, his phone buzzes with oscar's picture taking over his entire screen again.

"we broke up."

logan would stay up all morning with oscar that day, letting oscar choke back on tears for the next thirty minutes about the girl that simply packed her bags and moved halfway across the world from him. they would never speak of this day again, even after they both relocated to the uk together to start their junior career.

oscar never speaks of the girl he once devoted his entire self to, but logan often finds himself thinking of her whereabouts and how their relationship had changed oscar.

oscar never uttered the phrase ‘my girl’ when he started dating his long-time girlfriend, lily zneimer. now that they’re in f1 together, logan has at least gotten to know this girlfriend.

he is very well aware that she exists: he’s talked to and touched lily. but the question still lingers in the back of his mind about the unnamed girl, even years later.

the thought of her pops up randomly in his mind as he approaches the paddocks for his sophomore year in the sport. that was prompted by the sight of oscar also making his way into the paddocks slightly ahead of him.

“mate, i heard you’ve got a special guest in your side of the garage today,” oscar teases, stepping away from logan as he reaches out to tap his card into the reader.

“what? who told you that?” logan scoffs, passing through the gantries as he throws his head back in disbelief. “ugh, alex needs to shut his trap. i bet he told lando then lando told you.”

“no, your mum told my mum,” oscar laughs. he nudges his friend with his shoulder. “why? are you shy?”

“piss off.” logan giggles as he drops his head, shaking his head as he bites back a smile. “i’ll see you later, mate.”

“oh, i’ll see you later alright. i’ve got to see who’s making you blush like that,” the australian giggles, shoving him in the direction of the williams racing home.

logan chases his shoulder, managing to land a soft smack before he completely walks away. sure, logan had been seeing somebody for a while, and this weekend was the one he had singled out for you to come out and watch his race.

you were scheduled to come in about thirty minutes for now, about twenty minutes before he is supposed to disappear from the garage for an interview panel.

and he’s excited. this is his first time having his personal guest, who isn’t his mother or brother, in his side of the garage. sure, getting halfsies of alex’s girlfriend from the garage next to him is still something, but it’s just not the same.

so, he tries to pass the next thirty minutes as well as he can. and he does everything: he terrorises his team in the garage, then james sitting his office, then alex in his driver’s room.

still ten minutes left on the clock.

kinda early, but i’m here! :)

logan almost jumps out of his skin at the notification that pops up along with your name. he swallows back the excited scream as he runs down the stairs, pushing himself past alex and his girlfriend who were gathered downstairs with james.

logan swings the glass doors open, slumping his shoulders and feeling a wave of happiness in his chest when he sees you standing shyly by the stairs.

you look very cozy: wrapped in a dark puffer jacket and your bag barely hanging onto your shoulder. he almost wants to disappear with you into his driver’s room and cuddle all day. to hell with his commitments, even if it means fighting off his pr officer.

“hey, you!” logan beams, perking up as he jogs down the few steps to where you were. “you should have texted me when you reached the paddocks. i could have picked you up.”

immediately, he bends down to take your bag into his hands and then he pulls you in for a warm hug. “thanks for making it out this weekend.”

“of course. how can i decline a chance to watch you in your element?” you smile, leaning back slightly and wrapping your arms around him. “thank you for reserving a pass for me.”

“absolutely!” logan cheers, pulling away. “let me bring you inside and introduce you to the team. you don’t mind, right?”

“it’s my pleasure,” you smile.

he puts a hand on your back as he guides you up the racing home, pushing the door open and beckons for you to walk in before him.

“ah, lily, you were right! it’s neither his brother nor his mum that’s making a special appearance this weekend!” alex booms from deep inside the hospitality, throwing his arms in the air. “mr american man got a girlfriend over the winter break?”

“shut up, mate,” logan scowls, moving his hand up to hold your shoulder protecticely. “but, yes. this is… my girlfriend.”

he shyly looks down at you, catching your eye as you glance up at him. you’ve only recently gotten into a relationship with logan; fresh, only six weeks into the title.

“oh, it’s so nice to meet you,” lily steps away from alex’s grasp and holds a hand out to you, “i’m lily. welcome to the paddocks.”

“hi, i’m (y/n). it's so nice to finally meet you,” you smile, taking her hand. “and alex! logan talks about you guys really often. i’m a big fan.”

“oh, logan talks about me,” alex teases in a laugh, also extending his hand out to you. “good things only, i hope.”

“hey, i told you not to tell him that,” logan says through his teeth, giving you a warning stare with wide eyes.

“it’s my first time meeting him, babe,” you laugh to logan, taking his hand in yours to shake.

"oh, can i tell you about logan's antics last year in the paddocks?" alex asks you excitedly, hopping one step toward you.

"or," lily laughs, wrapping her arms around her boyfriend to steer him away from you, "let's let her settle down with logan. you can terrorise her after the day has ended, alex."

"aw, but i've got lists of embarrassing things about him," alex sighs with a frown, though he lets lily guide him away from the new couple. he cranes his neck and grins at you. "i will see you later! i'll prepare a list!"

"so we're avoiding him later," logan smiles at you, now guiding you towards the steps that would lead you to some privacy. "have you run into anyone yet? have you seen liam yet?"

you shake your head. "not yet. but i hope you'll bring me to him so that i can get to say hi? i haven't seen him since we bumped into them at disneyland in december."

"yeah, i know. he's been asking about you." he opens the door to his driver's room to let you in. "so, i've got to run for a bit. i've got an interview panel. it really shouldn't take too long. i'm sorry."

"sorry? what are you sorry for?" you giggle, taking a seat in the corner of the room. your eyes scan the small room, taking note of the endless shirts riddled with williams' logo hung in the corner.

"i don't wanna just leave you here by yourself," logan slumps his shoulders with a frown, resting his hands on his knees as he bends over to meet your eyes. "i feel bad."

"oh, i'll be okay." you wave off his concern and lean in, pressing a chase kiss to his lips. "just text me when you're done. i'll go downstairs and find lily and get to know her better."

"that's a good idea! you guys should really go around the paddocks. there's a concert somewhere too, make the best out of my pass, okay?" logan smiles, his hand cupping your chin. he brushes his thumb over your cheek as he towers over you. "text me if you get lost."

"i won't get lost," you smile, standing up from the seat. "i actually haven't had my coffee yet. do you know anywhere i can get a cup of coffee?"

"oh, lily should know where," logan hums, tapping his bottom lip as he heads for his door. "let me get her for you."

"logan." the firmness in your voice stops logan in his tracks, turning around with curious eyes. "i can find lily on my own. i'll be okay - i'll see you later."

"are you sure? i just feel bad that i'll leave you all by yourself," logan whispers, leaning in to kiss your cheek. "i'll miss you."

"i'll miss you too. but you've got a job to do," you giggle, walking out of his room with your hands wrapped around his arm. "i won't disappear. i'll meet you wherever when you're done. just text me."

"fine."

so logan goes and does his media commitments with alex in tow. and lily clearly had the same idea as you, meeting you at the front doors as alex walked away with logan.

"logan mentioned you were looking for coffee?" lily beams, quickly finding herself by your side as she leads you around the paddocks. "i know the best racing home to get a good cup of, but we might have to sneak in."

"sneak in?" you tilt your head. "is that even allowed?"

"yeah, carmen will get us in! mercedes has got the best cup of coffee to offer around here," lily giggles. "and, you should meet the rest of the girls. what are you going to do for the rest of the evening while the boys are out doing their jobs?"

"i suppose you're right," you shrug with a small smile. "but it's my first time here. should i really be caught sneaking into another team's home?"

"ah, you're with me," lily smiles. "i've got you."

so you actually get your cup of coffee in the back of the mercedes' racing home, now finding yourself huddled together with carmen and lily. they had asked you how you had come to meet logan, especially after the driver had spent most of it behind closed doors and rarely showed himself to the cameras.

it was a pretty simple story. you had been on vacation in new york with a group of your friends, minding your business in the corner of a crowded bar. truthfully, you didn't even want to be there, but it was your best friend's birthday trip. you couldn't say no even if you insisted.

logan had caught sight of you pretending to drink shots your friends were handing you towards the end of the night. eventually, you wound up with about six filled shot glasses hiding behind you, desperately hidden from your friend's prying eyes.

he thought it was funny, and had offered to finish them for you. in exchange for a promise that they were not laced with poison.

you had hit it off, and logan asked you out on a date. while you were unfortunately flying off to another state in a week, he had taken up the challenge and took you out on a date the very next night in the heart of new york city.

the rest is history, as they say.

"does logan actually ever say no to free alcohol?" carmen jokes, blowing into her cup of hot coffee. "wait! there's a concert happening not too far from here. do you guys know who's performing?"

"it should be on the race's instagram page," lily sighs, swiftly taking her phone out of her pocket. "but aren't the guys finishing up their interviews by now?"

"it's a long weekend. would they really notice if we weren't here for one break that they have?" carmen points out knowingly with a smile. "and we've got to show her," carmen gestures towards you, "around. is this your first race weekend?"

you nod shyly, taking a sip from your coffee. "but it's okay, really! don't go out of the way for me."

"that's silly." lily runs a hand through her hair and sighs, resting a hand on her hip. "okay, so, let's meet the guys near the pit building. when they're called in for their driver's briefing, we make a run for the concert area, okay?"

"that sounds like a much better compromise." carmen turns to you with a playful smile. "we will teach you how to make the most out of logan's race pass. you're going to have so much fun with us."

"after the concert, we'll head upstairs to the viewing pen and get a couple of drinks," lily smiles. she glances down at her phone. "oh, seems like they're already done. you guys wanna head there together?"

"sure!"

you start backpedalling from your position, ready to follow the two veteran paddock enjoyers. that seemed like a good idea until your back collides with something - someone - and suddenly you've got mildly hot coffee all over your top.

this is the one time you regret unzipping your jacket to let a bit of the cold in.

"i'm so sorry."

"it's fine," you say with a soft whine, turning around before being flashed by a bright orange jacket and a pair of brown eyes. "it's..." you tilt your head. "do i know you from somewhere?"

the shape of his polite smile and the way his brown eyes look into you are all very familiar. but you just can't quite place a finger on it.

perhaps it's because he looks a lot different from the last time you saw him. you were a wee fourteen-year-old the last time you had seen him before you were forced to pack your bags and move away because of your dad's job.

but, as a kid, you generally did a lot of moving around because of that said job. now you're just trying to single him out by geographic location from the many friends you've made and lost contact with over the years.

"(y/n)?" oscar's eyebrows shoot up, your name coated thickly with an australian accent as his hand lingers on your shoulder.

"oh, you two know each other?" lily excitedly asks, looking between the two younger individuals.

who seem to be very caught up in their unexpected reunion. you'd be shocked too if the girl you had thought was the love of your life shows up at your big boy job with your colleagues' girlfriends with a mercerdes coffee cup in hand.

"yeah, we uh," oscar takes a step away from you and puts his hands in the pockets of his team jacket, "we used to go to school together. in melbourne."

"right," you sigh in relief, finally being able to place him in a particular timeline of your life. you finally remember him: oscar piastri, the school heartthrob with a charming smile and friendly eyes. he had even asked you to be his girlfriend at some point, dating for the better part of a year before you had to leave melbourne with your family. "oscar, right? i'm sorry, my memory's a little bit hazy."

"no, yeah," oscar agrees, scanning you head to toe. "it's been... how long has it been since we last saw each other?"

"very long. it's been years since i left melbourne." you lower your cup and readjust your jacket, trying to hide the prominent wet patch of coffee at the collar of your inner shirt.

but the longer you stare at him, the more the memories come rushing back to the time you spent with the best friend you had made in melbourne for those years. you can vividly remember oscar picking you out in pe to be his teammate, sneaking out of homeroom to grab a juice pack together right down the hall.

you had completely forgotten the tears you shed that day you had to leave melbourne. you swore that you would keep in contact with the warmest brown eyes your eyes have ever seen, but you had simply gotten too busy settling into the new environment that had been thrown at you.

before you knew it, you had dropped your phone into the lake when you were out with your friends and you lost oscar's phone number. you never found a way to reconnect with him, and eventually, he had joined the long list of friends that you had forgotten about.

"i," oscar laughs, "what are you doing here in the paddocks? are you friends with them?"

"no," you straighten your back with a polite smile, "i'm with somebody - logan."

and oscar's never wanted to ever tear apart the paddocks' walls with his own hands before. what do you mean his girl is here with his best friend?

#logan sargeant x reader #logan sargeant x you #oscar piastri x you #oscar piastri x reader #f1 fanfic #f1 x reader #f1 x you #disneyprincemuke #disneyprincemuke imagine #disneyprincemuke imagines #disneyprincemuke f1

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for turning off a plant light?

so i (25nb) have been staying at a friend of mines (A, 28m) house (which he also rents out to 3 other people, also friends of ours, B, C, and D) for a while now while i look for an apartment. i pay A $250 a month in "rent" which is a courtesy thing more than anything for internet use and to sleep in his living room and am not considered a tenant (plus no rental agreement or lease has ever been offered to me or signed by me). i also help around with household chores (dishes and keeping the living room and kitchen tidy).

in his living room he has this wall of plants set up on shelves with lights and the whole shebang. he has the lights set to 12 hour timers so they have their own sort of day/night cycle. where i sleep normally is a daybed in the corner so the lights dont really bother me when they turn on (around 9). he recently purchased a really bright LED that has a brightness setting that the package has to warn you to not look at directly even at low settings. its genuinely comparable to staring directly at the sun in the summer at noon it's so bright. this light is also on a 12 hour timer (comes on at 10).

here's where the problem is. when my girlfriend comes over the daybed is too small for both of us to sleep comfortably in so we sleep on the pullout couch... which is directly under the Bright Ass Light. we were up pretty late that night (4am) and didnt really want to be woken up by the light shining directly in our eyes so before we went to sleep i turned the light off. i planned on turning it back on when we woke up (around noon) but got distracted and forgot to. A came downstairs while i was showering for work and chewed B and my gf out for the light being off before he went to work. he sent me a message saying "don't touch my fucking light" a few minutes later and i responded by telling him that if it wasnt so bright directly in our faces i wouldnt have to turn it off. he told me the light was for a desert plant so it had to be bright and that i would just have to deal with it as it was non negotiable. i told him to put it in a renter's agreement if he wanted to make demands like that and he told me he would deal with me when he got home from work.

when he got home from work i asked him how work was and he responded by flipping me off, talking at me for about 10 minutes about how i had a lot of nerve telling him what he could and couldnt do in his own home, especially since i was (according to him) making threats and demands. he said it wasnt his problem that we wanted to stay up late so it wasnt his problem that we didnt get enough sleep because it was shining in our faces in the morning and that id just have to deal with it. B, who was in the room at the time, asked if A would like it if a light woke him up like that, and A said no he wouldnt, but that the plant light is different because "the plants need the light cycle". B pointed out that the light was only off for 4 hours, not the whole day, and that plants in the wild dont get that kind of exact sunlight. didnt seem to matter to A, since while he set the timer back an hour so it would come on at 11, he also said he didnt want me ever touching the light again. i was (still am) completely astonished by this whole thing because its... just a plant light. it wasnt off all day and it doesnt happen all the time (this is the second time ive turned it off, again because i was sleeping under it).

so... aita for turning off the Bright Ass Light?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[margowritesthings]

ROMEO AND JULIET: II

𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐫𝐞 𝐜𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐥 𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐦𝐚𝐤𝐞𝐬 𝐜𝐢𝐯𝐢𝐥 𝐡𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐮𝐧𝐜𝐥𝐞𝐚𝐧.

series masterpost part I

pairing: low honour!Arthur Morgan x O'Driscoll!reader (f) word count: 5107 words warnings: 18+ minors dni, sexually explicit, low honour Arthur, rough sex, fingering (r receiving), oral (r receiving), blood play, knife play, gun play, touch of cnc, dirty talk, degradation, enemies while lovers, violence, murder, choking, low honour Arthur being sexy af (yes it needs its own warning) authors note: okay, it's been a whiiiile for these two crazies, but part 2 is finally here!! i gave this one my all, i hope y'all enjoy <3 i have a plan for this series that's mostly built on requests ive received, so if y'all have any suggestions please feel free to drop them in my asks!!<3 as always thank you to my darling Bea for being my cheerleader throughout getting back to writing. couldn't do it without ya <3beta read by @cowboydisaster

taglist: @cowboydisaster @inkandbloodbound @counteveryfreckle @elifsukirdaghehe @reaveries @delilah-grimes @mrsarthurmorgan7 @twola

Thanks to Arthur, and your own terrible decisions, it is far from the easiest ride back to camp, your bare, sticky skin uncomfortably grinding against your saddle with each movement your steed makes. Also thanks to Arthur, ironically, it isn’t the roughest ride you’ve ever had. You’d actually be hard pressed to find a harder ride than the one you experienced just minutes ago. It infuriates you, how unbelievably satisfied you feel despite everything. It’s bone deep and unlike anything you’ve felt with any of the other men you’ve been with. It even dopes your mind up enough to allow you to reach the bridge out of Saint Denis before the real regret sets in like a gypsies fuckin’ curse. 

You urge Tybalt, your snow white Arabian, faster, almost frantically squeezing your calves and verbally ordering his gallop. The saddle burn is searing, but it’s not nearly as bad as the ice water that feels as though it’s being dumped over your head when you realise what you’ve done. 

Arthur Morgan.

Arthur Fucking Morgan.

Fucking Arthur Fucking Morgan.

You don’t even really remember how it happened. It’s a complete blur of pleasure and pain and the smell of Arthur’s smoky breath and the feel of his calloused hands against your softest, most sensual parts. One minute, you’re gathering information, planning just how you’re going to loot the bastard, the next you’re bleeding for him, burning for him as he takes you under the orange glow of the streetlights.

The wind whips at your cheeks painfully, the skin of your thighs ripping against the hard leather of the saddle. The faster you ride, the more it hurts, but you’re grateful for it. It's the perfect punishment for what you’ve done, a painful distraction from the thoughts plaguing your mind of you fucking someone who considers your father’s killer a father to him. To add insult to all the injury, you have to go back to camp empty handed. You didn’t even think about the job Morgan is probably off finishing right now after finishing you, which is probably exactly what he wanted.

“God fucking dammit!” you scream out into the swamps of Lemoyne, scattering a few birds from the trees into the inky night sky. 

Tybalt carries you home, but in your current state you simply cannot face your family and the other gang members. It's 4am before all the lanterns are distinguished and you can finally hitch up and bring yourself to enter camp, tying Arthur’s jacket tighter around your waist and walking as quietly as you can back to your tent. You don’t sleep, despite longing for nothing but your cot the whole time you were waiting. 

Your jeans burn faster than expected. 

If only you could burn the rest of the night to ashes just as quickly.

═══════☆═══════

It’s been three weeks since you’ve seen Arthur Morgan. Actually seen Arthur Morgan, that is. Three weeks of good old Uncle Colm handing you the shittiest jobs as punishment for your failings. Three weeks of trying so damn hard not to bring yourself back to that night every time you’re alone in your tent, but finding it near impossible. It takes 9 days for the bruises on your thighs to fade and 14 for the cuts on your neck, though the constant reminder of your sins lies just on your inner thigh, where Arthur’s knife ripped your skin as you came undone in his arms. The scar shines in the candlelight, only seen in the dead of night when you’re alone, shamefully tracing the same lines Arthur did with your fingers over and over, chasing that rush you know deep down you won’t find without him. He haunts you, and yet you’re infuriated each and every time his cocky goddamn smirk somehow shows up in your deepest fantasies. 

It’s not your fault. You can’t even get yourself off without brushing against the mark he left on you. Hell, he may as well have branded his name into your leg. Bastard.

These are the grievances you grumble to yourself near nightly, the battle you fight with your subconscious even now, as the lock to the gunsmith’s clicks open in your nimble hands. The old door screams out the tale of years without oil for its hinges when you push it open, stepping inside into the dark, empty room. You’re far too focused on everything you shouldn’t be focused on right now to check over your shoulder before slipping inside, but in your years as an outlaw that mistake is yet to cause an issue.

The moonlight streams through the windows, the panes casting shadows of crosses on the shelves and the weapons adorning them. Your tired eyes scan your surroundings, a smirk tugging at the corner of your lip at the sight of those beautiful weapons, all yours for the taking.

The owner of the store almost certainly lives upstairs, so when the weight of your boots on the wooden floorboards makes them creak underneath you, you wince. Yes, you’re more than prepared for any disturbances, but you’d rather not have to deal with the hassle of shooting some guy in the face. A quick job, in and out, and you can get back to camp victorious and not think about Arthur Morgan.

You start with the ammo, loading the leather bag up with all the little boxes. The shells and bullets make such beautiful music to your ears as they clatter around their cardboard boxes, a song of abundance and a successful loot that you could listen to all night. When all the side pockets are full, you turn on your heel, spurs scraping against the wood as you begin to survey the shelves upon shelves of weapons. They appear to be organised well, the rifles in one corner, repeaters next to them, there’s an entire wall of pistols, some glinting in the moonlight that breaks through the dusty window, with all the other types delegated to an area of the shop each. It’s a beautiful sight for an outlaw, especially when you see the cabinet of knives and start to imagine all the different places you could shove them into Arthur’s ridiculously muscular body…

You’re getting off topic. 

The floorboards groan under your weight again the moment you start pacing the shop to grab at least two of each kind of gun. For each that goes in the bag for camp, you grab another, ever so slightly better one for yourself. You’ll carry them out separately and tie them up to Tybalt once you’re out of this place. That’s the plan, at least. 

It takes you the longest to pick out the knives, each one possessing a captivating reason to be your favourite. The carvings on all of the different handles are stunning, each blade almost glowing right to their pointed tips. Guns are great, but you’ve always been fond of the art form of blades. You reach for one, an ornate dagger that seems to shine brighter than the others, its handle carved into a beautiful, twisted scene. There’s a woman in the middle, flames wrapping around her legs and waist as the Grim Reaper holds her from behind. The detail is incredible, each bony finger of Death himself gripping into the woman’s hip. It almost takes your breath away, but something beats it to it. Someone beats it to it. 

“Aw, shucks, I caught another stray!” Arthur exclaims, all sarcasm and bravado as your gasp gets stuck in your throat. How the hell did he sneak up on you? You can’t even breathe without the wooden floorboards threatening loudly to collapse in on you. 

You set your jaw, grinding your molars and letting out a long sigh through your nose. You don’t turn around to face him, not wanting to look at him for fear everything will come racing back again.

“Fuck off, Morgan. This job’s mine. You’re too late.” 

He takes two long strides forward until he’s right behind you, which you only know thanks to the buzzing of energy tickling your back. How you can feel him without actually touching him, you may never know. But you do, and it clouds your mind something awful. 

“Now now, little stray. Don’t we share jobs? I seem to recall you tryna’ claim some of my takin’s a few weeks back.” 

Your grip on the ornate handle of the knife gets tight enough to turn your knuckles white, but you still refuse to face him, telling yourself it’s so you don’t have to look at his stupid face and absolutely no other reason. 

“And if you’ll recall, I took nothin’ from you.”

“Not for lack’a tryin’, princess. I think we both remember just what I had to do to you to stop ya’...” he taunts, low and gravelly. It vibrates against your back.

Even with your back to him, you can picture so clearly exactly what shit eating smirk he wears right now, as Arthur reaches up to the nape of your neck, running his knuckles so softly down each vertebrae of your spine, melting your very bones. For some reason, you allow yourself a moment- just a moment- to indulge in it, to let that tingling feeling spread like ripples in a pond crafted by his hand, before the immense effort you have to put in to not moan audibly slams you back into reality. You spin to face Arthur, braid whipping the air around you from the speed of it as your new weapon is pushed against Arthur’s throat, the tip threatening to slice open his jugular.

“Now you listen here, Morgan, and you listen good. That night never happened. You had a knife to my goddamn throat, you took whatever you damn well wanted from me and I’ll be damned if you take one more single fucking thing. Now get out of my fucking sight and let me do my job.”

Despite your white hot rage, despite the sharp metal nearly being forced through his windpipe, Arthur is still smirking, and by god if that doesn’t throw more fuel onto your burning fury. He scoffs a laugh out, swallowing hard enough for his Adam's apple to push back into the blade, making a point that he isn’t in the slightest bit scared of you. When he leans in, your arm follows, your resolve to slice his throat open dissipates into the thick air. Arthur reaches up, wrapping thick fingers around your wrist to pull it down away from him. For some reason, a reason you’ll spend an eternity searching for, you let him, you chest rising and falling as you attempt to merely exist without the growing tension cutting you apart limb by limb. His breath tickles your nose, and his lips are so close to yours you’re sure he’s going to kiss you, but he stops no more than half an inch away from you.

“You know I took nothin’ from you that you didn’t freely give me, little stray.”

The insinuation shatters that lie you keep telling yourself, the version of events where Arthur forced himself upon you and none of this is your fault. You know he’s right, but admitting that to yourself would break you, does break you. But you can’t break in front of him, can’t allow the slightest crack for him to prise open and reveal your true self. You hate him so much, that much is the truth, but there’s so much hiding behind that veracity that you can never allow to see the light of day nor the glow of the moon. 

You grit your teeth, jaw painfully twitching from the strain of working the muscle so hard since Arthur’s presence has begun to drown you. The fire in your eyes burns threateningly, but it’s taking more and more to keep it aflame the closer Arthur’s wandering hand gets to cupping your cheek. Without breaking the stare tethering you together, you reach up with cat-like reflexes to grip his wrist, stopping him just before contact is made.

“Get out, or I’ll scream and everyone will know you’re here.”

You’re at an impasse yet again, Arthur clutching your wrist with a near bruising force, you gripping his with his hand suspended in the air. It’s silent, save for the deafening buzzing of electricity cracking between you. Arthur chuckles, the sound coming from deep in his chest and reaching the depths of you.

“You think that’s a threat, woman? Scream in fear of me, scream for me while I take that pretty little cunt of yours again, it don’t matter. Ain’t nobody gonna come runnin’ to save you.”

He lets go first, because he knows your threats are empty. He knows you’re clenching down tight on your molars because it’s the only sensation distracting you from the heat pooling between your legs and he knows you want him just as much now as you did that night in the alleyway. Arthur Morgan always gets his way, it would seem. And you’re no different. 

You don’t expect him to release you, so the silence between you fragments and slices you when you drop your blade to the ground with a loud clatter. Anybody upstairs definitely would have heard that, and you’re infuriated that Arthur is ruining the first decent job you’ve been given in weeks, as much as your anger is overshadowed by… other sensations.

“We’re… we’re trespassing. They’ll call the law, ain’t you a wanted man, Morgan?” There’s no integrity to your words, no more fire, only an apprehension that you pray to god he can’t detect. 

He sneers, “And you’re here to what? Clean this bastard’s floors? C’mon, O’Driscoll…” At that, Arthur kneels down, picking up your discarded weapon. He drags the blade lightly up your inner thigh, making it all that much harder to suppress the little moan building from the sensation. He spins the dagger so that the blade is in his hand, offering it back to you. You look down at him while you take it, enjoying the sight of the notorious Arthur Morgan kneeling before you like this more than you could ever admit to yourself. “You know we’re just as wanted as each other.” 

His words strike a chord. A lonely chord, in a lonely song of two lonely souls who can never let anybody else in. In your line of work, closeness is danger, it’s risk and it’s not worth it. Nobody outside could ever understand… except him. You know the stories of the Van der Linde gang, of Arthur and his son and suddenly it all makes sense, why he’s chasing you like a hungry cat after a mouse. It’s the same reason you didn’t stop him the first time, the same reason you haven’t screamed like you’d threatened to, the same reason why you’re going to let him do this all over again. That closeness… you need it, even if it is with a man you can’t bring yourself to stand. You’re just as wanted as each other… just not by anybody who matters.

He watches in real-time as you realise all this, as you figure out that the man you hate most in the world is the only one you could possibly let in. It’s maddening, infuriating, and now you need a distraction. And you’re going to take it. 

You meet each other's eye, spotting the challenge hanging between you to see who will be the first to break. You feel the tension infiltrating your body, stealing the breath from your lungs and setting your skin aflame and you know the only way to stop it isn’t through extinguishing the flames but fuelling them. You need to burn with Arthur until there’s nothing left but ash and soot. 

You spark, while your oxygen gets ever closer. Arthur takes a few slow steps forward, and it’s only when his smoky breath infiltrates your senses do you realise that despite everything, you have never kissed him. He backs you up against the display case until there is nowhere for you to escape, your lips so close you can nearly taste the whiskey on him. Your heart hitches in your throat, convinced he’s about to break the barrier you didn’t cross before. 

Arthur doesn’t kiss you, instead growling deep in his chest as he sniffs, trailing his nose from your collarbone to your jaw. You shudder, your shirt suddenly feeling much too tight on your form.

“W-What are you-”

“Exactly what you want me to, little stray.” He whispers, “Or should I-”

“No. D-Don’t stop, I-” 

He doesn’t let you finish your request, knowing exactly what it is before the words can leave your lips and you’re grateful, it means you can hold full deniability after the storm just like you did last time. Arthur grasps your collar in each hand, tearing your shirt apart and scattering your buttons across the floorboards. Your nipples feel the cool night air only for a moment before one is taken in Arthur’s mouth, the other pinched between his calloused fingers. It’s too much and not enough all at once, and you feel the heat and moisture pool in your underwear at the very thought of what's to come. You need more. Now.

Your nails dig into Arthur’s shoulders, pushing him to his knees before you with a force enough to bruise him. It is an addicting view, Arthur kneeling for you, and it’s not one you’re about to pass up again. His hands are quickly on your belt, unbuckling it to access your buttons and zipper to slide your jeans and panties down your legs. Clothes discarded, he grips into your thighs and spreads them, diving into your heat like it’s a source of oxygen. There’s no teasing, no featherlight touches nor gentle licks… no, he takes your clit in between his teeth, the sharpness shooting everywhere as he begins to suck. It catapults you. To where, you have no idea, but it’s incredible, otherworldly, and enough to make you instantly forget where you are. You mewl, tugging at Arthur’s locks as he begins to lap your juices up like a man starved. Say what you will about Arthur Morgan- and you do, often- but by god does he know exactly how to make you feel good. 

You’ve never had a man take you like this, with you standing above him while he bows to you, and it takes near everything you have to not let your legs buckle beneath you. Somehow, you know Arthur would catch you, but you’d rather not find that out right now. 

“Fuck…” you breathe out amongst moans and whimpers, hips bucking against Arthur’s face. His stubble burns against your thigh beautifully, each and every sensation of the moment working harmoniously to send you to dizzying levels of pleasure. You ride Arthur’s face, bare feet pointed on your tiptoes to allow him better access as you climb closer to nirvana. Your nails scratch hard against his scalp, wordlessly letting him know just how close you are, silently demanding he doesn’t dare stop. Arthur sucks hard on your sensitive little bundle of nerves, his teeth catching it every so often in the sweetest pain you’ve felt in… well, about 3 weeks. It hurtles you over the precipice you’ve been dangled over, and you have to bite down on your lip so hard you draw blood. A coppery taste blooms over your tongue, your only sign that you’re still human despite the unearthly, ethereal sensations burning every inch of your body inside and out. 

When you reach what you assume to be the peak, the very edge of what you’re sure a human body can handle, the strength of your bite becomes no match for the need to moan out. It echoes around the room, a positively obscene sound that you can’t even really hear over the rushing of your own blood in your ears. 

“Quiet, goddammit.” Arthur grumbles, all but slapping his palm against your open, quivering mouth. Just as you think you’re about to come down from this immeasurable high, you feel two of Arthur’s thick fingers run over the part of your soaked slit that isn’t consumed in between his teeth. It’s the only warning you get before he plunges them deep inside you, curling to find that swollen spot he seems to have a map to. No barrier on this Earth or otherwise could stop the scream derived from pure ecstasy escaping your lips. The combination of the delicious suction Arthur has on your clit and the curved pumping of his fingers is a completely new level of euphoria. You feel so full before Arthur’s cock has even broken free from its denim confides and you’re not sure how much more of this relentless orgasm you can take without collapsing into him. 

You reach a crest higher than you thought possible, crashing back down into this realm as if your body is nothing but seafoam. Your chest swells with each laboured breath you’re finally allowed to take once Arthur removes his hand from your mouth, though you still can’t really see straight. Your mind is fuzzy, still trying to wrap itself around the concept that anyone could make you feel that good, so Arthur already has his zipper undone and is reaching to pull his cock out before you’ve even registered that he has stood.

After three weeks of Arthur only existing in your mind, you’d convinced yourself that your memory couldn’t possibly be accurate, that over a few lustful nights alone in the dark you’ve managed to exaggerate… but no. Arthur is, as much as you loathe to admit it, magnificent. Just as thick as you remember, with veins that wrap around his shaft like ivy throbbing with pure need. He’s almost too big, your overstimulated cunt seems to think, widening your eyes in awe to watch when Arthur begins to palm his leaking cock.

“I-I don’t think I can-“

“Oh yeah you fuckin’ can,” He grits, giving you no time to catch up with your own racing heart as he grips your thighs, lifting you up to perch on the glass counter of weapons and spreading you wide. Arthur surges up, spearing into you. He wastes no time, he needs not warm you up; after such a blinding orgasm, you’re already soaking for him. He feels your arousal, mixed with his own residual spit, coating his cock as he slides in up to the hilt. He groans viscerally, leaning right into the crook of your neck so his breath burns your skin. He takes your flesh between his teeth in a sharp, pinching bite and you yelp between mewls. Tears form in the corners of your eyes from the pure stretch and invasion of Arthur filling you so wholly, but you’re too far gone into this cloud of sensation to care if they fall. 

“See how much you need me, little stray… how much you fuckin’ need this cock, huh? Actin’ like you hate the big bad wolf, but I feel how your cunt weeps for me, how it wraps around me while I fuck you senseless.”

Your inner thigh is left with a burning red handprint when Arthur releases it to reach and rub hard circles on your clit. It makes it so hard to meet his eye without your own rolling to the back of your head in bliss, makes it near impossible to argue back when you can already feel another orgasm approaching, but your stubbornness persists enough to let you try and struggle out an argument.

“I can enjoy your cock and still hate you, wolfie.” 

Your less than affectionate nickname earns you a harsh slap against your clit, the pain bouncing through your every inch in the sweetest pain you could imagine. You cry out again, sucking in a breath through gritted teeth as Arthur continues to relentlessly pound into you. You’re sure you won’t be able to walk tomorrow, or ride for at least a week, but it’s a small price to pay for something so fucking good.

Neither of you are holding back, moaning into eachothers mouths, inhaling eachothers breaths, growling for each other and just barely avoiding your lips touching. You don’t hear the ceiling creak, nor the stairs groan under the weight of the gunsmith on his way to see who or what is making such grotesque noises in his humble little shop. All there is in this moment is you, Arthur, and his glorious cock fucking you insensible. Your ass burns from the friction of rubbing up against the glass display case, even more so when Arthur releases your other thigh to reach for something at his hip and the case is left to hold your entire weight. You see nothing but your big bad wolf, grunting and growling deep as you climb ever higher with him.

“What in the-”

BANG 

A gasp is ripped from your throat with the gunshot ringing in your ears. Your heart couldn’t pound any harder without breaking free of your ribcage, but a swift look to your left shows that you’re in no danger at all. Arthur’s arm is outstretched, smoking pistol pointed to the air above the now dead gunsmith. He doesn’t even look away from your face, contorted in such bliss as he continues to dangle you over the edge. He killed a man while buried so deep inside you, his victim’s blood now splattered across both your faces like crimson freckles. 

There’s no time to mourn, or even acknowledge, as grasps your jaw hard between his thumb and forefinger and forces your eyes back to him. The blood sprayed on his features suits him, you think, but that makes sense for the big bad wolf. The way he takes a life with such ease… it terrifies and enthrals you all the same. Your pussy squeezes around his shaft involuntarily at the thought of watching him kill again and again just to fuck you just that bit longer, at the idea that those measly mortal lives pale in comparison for his need to be inside you. 

“Oh, fuck, Arthur I’m gonna-” 

You’re cut off by a sharp slap to your cheek, and it burns so beautifully. The blood on Arthur’s hands smears across your skin, tainting you, body and soul. His hand quickly returns to its bruising grip on your cheeks, and you feel the heat of the pistol in his other hand pressing into your stomach. His finger isn’t near the trigger, and somehow you don’t think he would hurt you with it, but you suddenly realise the danger you could be in right now. You and Arthur hold a long-standing feud, your respective gangs have been fighting for even longer than that. The outlaw just executed a man ruthlessly for simply being in the wrong place, his own property, at the wrong time, and now he holds your life in his hands, literally. There is nothing stopping him from widening those jaws and consuming his little stray right here and now…

And what a way to go it would be.

You can’t bring yourself to care, can’t let the fear serve any other purpose than to pump the adrenaline around your veins and carry you back to the climax you’re searching for.

“Gonna cum, little stray? Come apart for me all over again? Hate me all you want, you n’ I know what you do for me when we’re all alone. Cum, little stray. Now.”

And you do. You come apart not with a fizzle but a bang. A blinding, screaming bang, where your limbs tighten around Arthur and your skin fizzles at any contact. He never stops his thrusts, each one seeming to renew the sensations spreading around your whole body like waves lapping and crashing against you. The gun presses into your flesh, serving as a reminder of the danger Arthur is capable of inflicting, yet it only heightens everything. You moan into his ear, your tongue running across his lobe not by design but because you have completely lost control of yourself. In this moment, you’re Arthur’s. And you feel too fucking good to even worry about it. 

The fear that he could snap your neck with so little effort, or pull the trigger of his gun and blast you to bits, lingers, spurring on your frantic movements while you grind needily against his own thrusts. Part of you wishes he would, so the both of you could find some twisted hellish realm where this union makes sense and you can rule it, together. The big bad wolf and his little stray. It’s an alarming thought to have, but who could blame you? If the devil himself could make you feel this good you’d bow to him too, weapons or none.

Arthur’s movements become sloppier, less controlled, and his grip on your cheeks tightens. He’s close, while you’re still riding your high. There’s a sharp aching where the gun presses hard into your ribcage, giving your future self the perfect excuse as to why you didn’t make Arthur pull out. He curses loudly, though it comes out more a growl, before biting hard into your neck. He surely draws blood with the force of his teeth against your skin, but it’s difficult to find it in you to care. He’s pounding you so hard into the glass you’re worried it’ll smash beneath you, but being shredded by broken glass seems an easy punishment for the sins you’ve committed again with this man.

You both come down together, glistening with blood and sweat and tears. Arthur remains in the crook of your neck, exhaling hot breaths over your skin. There’s a few seconds of a silence only broken with exasperated gasps, and then a wince when Arthur slides out of your drenched cunt. Now you can actually think straight, your hand shoots to your swollen lips at the sight of the deceased gunsmith beside you. Arthur is covered in blood, and you’re no better, but by God does it suit him. 

Having not gotten fully undressed, save for resting his jeans below his hips, Arthur takes no time at all to right himself, holstering his gun and pulling his jacket over the bloodstained shirt. He looks over to you, the harsh shadows cast by the moon only exaggerating his smirk. It takes everything you have not to flinch when he reaches for you, though the panic quells when he runs his thumb gently over your jaw, leaving a scarlet trail in his wake.

“See you on the next job, little stray.”

#arthur morgan #arthur morgan x reader #arthur morgan x you #arthur morgan x y/n #arthur morgan imagine #arthur morgan fanfiction #arthur morgan fanfic #low honour arthur morgan #low honor arthur morgan #rdr2 #rdr2 fanfic #arthur morgan rdr2 #rdr2 fanfiction #rdr2 x reader #red dead redemption #romeo and juliet

[youredreamingofroo]

a bit of a message talking about inactivity and my possible hiatus. I dont know if this counts as a cw but i talk about depression here and there at the beginning (nothing graphic) and as usual, its a rant

im gonna be straight honest rn, i'm probably not gonna be active on tumblr for these next few days, ive been super up and down depressed and im just unmotivated and too tired to do anything, im still gonna check in here and there but dont expect me to reblog or reply to many posts, if at all. This could mark the beginning of a hiatus, but with mood swings and up and down depression, i could be back, active as ever tomorrow. Ever since ive uninstalled Sims 4, i did feel a weight lift off my shoulders, but simultaneously made me depressed due to the lack of... well... doing something, i dont... really know how to put it into words, its just something in my brain that i just cant explain, i guess a good way to put it is playing sims 4 gave me the motivation to stem off into other mediums, blender for example, gave me something to do, something to learn, and while i can still use blender, i just get progressively slower and slower at doing stuff in it because of my limited resources, some scenes i want to do require specific outfits and i dont have the facilities to make those outfits... i mean i probably do but i just dont feel motivated to do all that. I still play other games, ive been playing a lot of slime rancher 2 and have been trying to branch out to other games (indie games and bigger games), I want to post gameplay but if youve seen me rant about tumblr before, one of my biggest gripes is just how fucking annoying it is to upload images, so i just get completely unmotivated to post images/gameplay especially if its just some silly post. if uh if anyone is still reading this, ill be honest, i havent even been motivated to write about WAS at all, probably havent touched the planning doc in about 2 weeks. This... 'spiral'... has been noticeable for me for the last week as my sleep schedule gets swapped around from sleeping at night and awake during the day... to sleeping during the day and awake at night, this is all my fault, but its also just something that happens rotationally for me, i go from sleeping VERY early in the evening (6PM at the earliest) and waking at VERY early times in the morning (4AM at the latest) to sleeping VERY late in the morning (6AM at the earliest) and waking up late in the evening (3PM at the latest), i dont really know what causes the shift, but it happens, and i often blame myself for it even though i dont know what causes it...

anyways sorry, this will probably mark a very iffy hiatus, like i said ill be active but not... super active, i didnt check tumblr at all yesterday/monday, so thats kind of the pattern to expect from me depending on the day. In the meantime... i might try to get back into older sims games, ive mentioned this before, but i do have sims 1 on my laptop so maybe ill post stupid little gameplay posts from there (granted i havent played in like... a month 😐). I'll probably put up a poll after this post for people to vote on which sims game i should play- i KNOW i did it once before but im probably gonna do it again cuz i cant find the post and i have over 1000 posts 😭

if you read thus far, thank you for sticking around, if your a random person who read this for no reason... thanks? if your a follower of mine and cant understand where im coming from with this lengthy post, see yourself out or deal with it 🙃 otherwise, thank you all and i will be lurking about

#yapping

[brighteyedbushybrowed]

𝐁𝐞𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐜𝐡𝐞𝐝

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲 Sleep isn't easy to come by when you're wracked with guilt and nightmares centered around the deaths of your friends, but sometimes you make it a little more bearable.

𝐆𝐡𝐨𝐬𝐭𝐭𝐨𝐛𝐞𝐫 𝐏𝐫𝐨𝐦𝐩𝐭 Bewitched.

𝐒𝐡𝐢𝐩(𝐬) Cardinal Copia/Papa Emeritus IV x GN!Reader

𝐂𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭 A little bit of angst and some fluff. One of the rats gets a cuddle because I said so. Mentions of death as per Ghost lore. Nothing spicy or anything.

𝐖𝐨𝐫𝐝 𝐂𝐨𝐮𝐧𝐭 893 words.

𝐍𝐨𝐭𝐞𝐬 My first ever Copia x Reader fic. I am weak for this man. I will do anything (within reason) for him. I don't know the names of any of his rats and couldn't find anywhere that actually said the names of them so I'm just gonna take creative liberty and give them all names myself. I've done my best to check and make sure I've not used any gendered pronouns for Reader but if you spot any please let me know so that I can edit it!

He can’t sleep. Again. Insomnia had been a companion for what felt like his whole life at this point, but he knows that that’s not the truth. In reality, it had taken hold over him not long after he began to lead Ghost for the Clergy. It had only worsened after he was coerced into posing with Terzo’s severed head for a photoshoot. Guilt was not a feeling he’d never come across before, but the sinking cold in his gut any time he thought of his predecessors and their demises was one he’d never encountered or felt so deeply.

Copia glances at the clock on the bedside table. 4am: less than an hour after he’d laid down to go to sleep. Had he slept at all since he crawled beneath the covers? If he had it was likely for only a few paltry minutes before his mind decided that he wouldn’t be getting any rest tonight.

“Copia? Are you awake?”

The loud whisper from the other side of his bedroom door is unexpected, but not unwanted. He hurries to open it, throwing on a robe but not tying it. When he finds you standing before him, your eyes glossy and cheeks damp, he doesn’t hesitate to usher you inside and lock the door behind you once more before leading you to his bed. There’s a silence that settles between the two of you as he flicks the bedroom light on and makes his way over to one of the rat cages. He can hear you shifting on the mattress, likely removing your own robe to make your safe comfortable under the duvet.

“I’m sorry for the intrusion,” you murmur just loud enough that he catches it but quiet enough that he knows you didn’t necessarily mean for him to hear you.

Copia clicks the cage door open. “What have I told you, stellina, ah? You don’t need to apologise with me.”

He carefully lifts Catacomb into his grasp and shuts the cage up again before bringing the little black and white rat over to you. The mix of gratitude and excitement on your face as you smile up at him is almost enough for him to forget that he was supposed to be asleep. Both of you were.

“Was it the same one?” he asks as you tenderly cuddle his little friend, petting and stroking the top of her head.

There’s a momentary flicker of sadness in your eyes, the memories of the nightmare clinging to you as you nod your head.

He knows nightmares all too well. They’re part of why he sleeps so poorly at night and, while he wouldn’t wish that upon anyone, he’s glad that he’s not alone in this. You both have an intimate understanding of what it is to be plagued in that way. It’s why he always tells you to come to him when they keep you up at night, no matter what time of night it is. It’s a rare occasion for him to not already be awake when it happens, but still you apologise as if you’re the one keeping him from sleeping and not the grim images burnt into his brain. Each time he tells you that you don’t need to, but still you do. It’s become a routine at this point.

Copia slips the robe off his shoulders and climbs under the covers with you, pulling you into his arms so that you’re resting against his chest with Catacomb snuggling into your pyjamas. Your warmth and your scent immediately ease him, comfort settling into his soul. If he didn’t know you, he would say that you were a witch or a sorceress and casting spells upon him to rid him of his troubles, even if just for a moment.

The kiss you press to his bare collarbone is tender, your nose nuzzling him as you make yourself comfortable. “Thank you for letting me stay.”

His fingers trail up and down your back as he tries to soothe you back into sleep, hopefully a peaceful one. “You don’t need to thank me, cuore mio. You are always welcome here.”

He shifts his position slightly so that he can press his lips against yours. There’s no lust or desperation like other kisses you’ve shared. This one is gentle and full of love and the words he wants to say but doesn’t have to. It doesn’t last long, but it doesn’t need to. You know what he’s saying and feel both grateful and blessed.

“Get some rest now, stellina. Morning service starts in a few hours and Sister Imperator would not be happy if we slept through it.”

You hum in agreement, already starting to doze. “I always sleep better with you, my love.”

Your words flood his chest with warmth, and he holds you against him a little tighter, careful to make sure that there’s no possibility of the snoozing Catacomb getting crushed. “I too find it easier to rest when you’re in my arms. Perhaps we should make this a more permanent arrangement, hm?”

You giggle softly and he can’t help but smile in response. “I wouldn’t be opposed to that,” you tell him through a yawn.

Soon enough, the two of you drift back to sleep. For now, at least, the two of you have been bewitched into a peaceful, dreamless slumber.

#ghosttober #ghosttober 2022 #cardinal copia #papa emeritus iv #cardinal copia x reader #cardinal copia x gn!reader #papa emeritus iv x reader #papa emeritus iv x gn!reader #the band ghost #fanfic #my fanfic #mine

[ceasarslegion]

Ive been up since 4am

I cant sleep at all after what happened

I just want it to stop why do people keep treating me like this what did i ever do to them

Can everybody and the world just leave me alone for once. Is that too much to ask

I worked so hard all my life and did everything right like everybody said i should and im just treated like shit time and time again no matter where it is while the biggest stupidest shitheads who cheated their way through get to live my dreams. I did everything right and everybody said i had a bright future but if all i have to look forward to is getting treated like dirt everywhere by everybody constantly why am i still trying. Whats the point of anything

#vent post

[dylanmunson]

VampEddie x Fem Reader part two

word count: 2.3k

Masterlist //// wattpad

Vamp Eddie part two

Part one

Its now been a month since eddie had returned back into our lives. 

After spending the night and talking till gone 4am we had come up with a plan. The government had wanted to hide any trace of the upside down and this could be our way in to clear Eddies name and clear everything up. 

So thats exactly what we did, with some help from El and Hopper, Dustin was over the moon to have his older friend back, he even met Will which made me super happy. They got on like a house on fire. The younger boys coming his his house and playing dnd games every weekend. Dustin checking in every other day to make sure the older boy was ok. Wayne was confused but didnt question anything he was just happy to have his nephew back. Since the government had cleared his name and had made eddie quite scared to open his mouth about the events that had happened, they had given him and Wayne a house, since their trailer was now completely gone. 

We were all sat around the table waiting for Will to return from the bathroom so they could carry on with their game. When the lights started flickering 'not this shit again' mike groans, i look at eddie who looks at dustin. 'whats going on?' i mumble grabbing eddies hand. 'Will!!' El shouts getting up 'Eddie?' i look at him, his eyes turning darker his focus straight ahead. I wave my hand in front of his face 'Eddie babe' i say flicking his nose but he bats my hand away before standing up and walking out the house. 

'what the shit' dustin says standing up, 'guys, hes back' Will says holding the back of his neck. I look at Dustin who is looking down, 'no' i shake my head 'here we go again i suppose' steve rolls his eyes.

/////

The sky turning different shades of red and black, the ground reopening and the screams of the demo bats can be heard in the distance. I shake my head looking at the view in front of me. 

'no' i sigh, Dustin looks at me with sad eyes 'we are not losing him, do you hear me' i say holding him by the shoulders, he nods his head looking down. i pull him into a hug 'what do we do?' Steve says looking to El. 

After coming up with a plan to stop Vecna, again, we all spilt into groups. 

Me and Dustin are hunting down Eddie 

Will, El, Jonathan and Mike are finding a gate? 

Steve, Lucas, Robin and Erica. 

//////

I spot Eddie in the distance, standing looking up at what looks like vines coming from the ground. 'Eddie!' i shout running up to the boy dustin behind me, 'y/n be careful!' he says pulling my arm back a bit 'dustin' i gasp trying to catch my breath, 'hes not the eddie we knew' he mumbles, 'hes changed remember' he says with sad eyes 'no, eddie, our eddie, is still there, somewhere' i frown, looking towards the older boy again. 'stay here' i say placing my hands on his shoulders. 

'Dustin Henderson stay here, dont move, dont ever change' i smile sadly kissing his forehead before turning to Eddie. 

Dustin begins shouting my name as i walk up closer to Eddie, i reach my hand out to touch his shoulder but he doesnt react. 'Eddie' i mumble turning him around. His eyes now blood shot, almost black his face paler then ive seen before. His lips slightly chapped and bruised. 'Eddie' i mumble placing my hand on his cheek. He looks down at me with no expression and moves my hand away. 

He quickly changes our position and holds it against my back, his other arm coming around my front to hold me against his chest. 'sweet sweet y/n' he chuckles, but its not eddie. His voice deeper and sounding slightly broken? 'Your eddie is gone' he chuckles into my ear.

He begins moving my hair away from my neck, 'we're going to build an army' he grins placing a kiss to my jaw, i whimper a little closing my eyes 'we're gonna take over the world' he chuckles dryly, 'eddie' i mumble 'eddies gone sweetheart' i let out a sob 'no' i mumble. 

I look towards dustin who looks confused, i shake my head 'stay there' i lip read to him, he turns away. 'Eddie' i mumble 'mhmm' he hums placing another kiss on my neck, 'if your gonna bite me do it already' i sigh he chuckles 'dont worry i will' he chuckles. he loosens his grip, and i quickly turn around grabbing his face 'i know your in there' i mumble making him look me in the eyes 'i know my eddie is in there' i sob, tears now falling down my face 'eddie please' i cry 'eddie come back to me' i mumble running my thumb across his cheek, he just chuckles looking down at me. 'Hes gone sweetheart' 

'Edward Munson' i start 'Hellfire dungeons master, lead in corroded coffin, my eddie, my best friend' i sob the tears now falling stupidly fast. i carry on though, something in his faces changes 'my best friend that i fucking fell in love with' i mumble 'my eddie, i know your there somewhere please' i stop looking down before returning to look him in the eyes, his gorgeous chocolate doe eyes now where to be seen. 'eddie come back to me' i mumble 'please' i say pulling his face forward and kissing him. 

He doesnt pull away straight away, and i have hope that hes slowly returning to me. 

Im being pulled away all to quickly though, but not by eddie. 

I look down and theres vines wrapped around my body, pulling me away from him, 'Eddie' i shout, his whole body changes, he falls to his knees but im all to quickly slammed against a wall more vines coming to wrap around my body. 'Henderson stay fucking there' i sob warning the younger boy, refusing to let him get into this tangled mess. 

'Whoa y/n' i hear steve as more vines begin to cover my body and go around my face blocking my sight. 

EDDIE POV 

Her lips soft against mine but shes pulling away? i open my eyes to see her being dragged away by vecnas vines, i feel weak and i drop to the floor. everything suddenly coming back to me, where the hell am i? i look around and see henderson. 

'Henderson!' i shout running to the boy 'whoa' he says moving back 'eddie?' he says looking at me 'yeah its me i dunno what happened dude' i say confused 'wheres' i turn hearing her scream in the short distance. Quickly looking to Dustin who just nods 

////

THIRD PERSON? 

Eddie and Dustin begin running to the vines that are wrapped around the wall and covering the ground, coming up to Steve as hes trying to axe them away, 'good to have you back munson but' steve sighs one of the vines grabbing the axe and breaking it in half. 'shit' 'wheres el?' 'shes coming' dustin nods looking at the two older boys as they begin trying to free y/n from the vines, her body gasping for air. Turning purple and blue from the lack of oxygen. 

'eddie' she says gasping for breathe tearing springing to her eyes as she sees the love of her life in front of her 'im here just hold on' he says nodding his head, quickly looking around trying to find something to use to cut the vines away. She lets out a painful sob before closing her eyes, everything becoming to overwhelming for the petite girl. 

The gang comes around the corner 'we found him' El sighs 'hes weak but' Mike says 'take me to him' Eddie says 'hey welcome back dude' Mike smiles trying to slightly lighten the mood not realising the older girl trapped under the vines 'take. me. to. him.' he hisses. 

El nods beginning to walk in the direction of where he is, eddie following behind wrapping his bandana around his head before deciding to put his curls into a low bun. Steve throws him a long stick that has a sharp object attached on the end. 

Vecna is in the air vines sucking at his body 'hey arsehole' eddie shouts 'want a piece of me, come get me' he says moving everyone behind him before running forward and throwing the sharp object into vecnas chest. 

But it just goes through him, a small hole appearing where it had gone through him. 'uh guys?' he says, they all nod before throwing fire bombs at his body as well as El using her powers to weaken the monster in front of them. Dustin gives Eddie a nod before running back to you. Eddie turns back to the monster and sneaks around everyone else finding the main vine before sticking his fangs into it. He isnt sure it'll do much but hes willing to try anything at this point to get his girl back. 

He goes behind vecna and begins pulling at the vines, Steve giving him a look as if to say 'really dude' Eddie grins giving steve a wink before biting down on the vines again, the taste not bothering him and surprisingly the blood filling his thirst. 

He dodges the fire bombs being thrown in his direction, them creating more holes in vecnas body. but vecna is strong and the holes keep closing. Eddie climbs up to vecna and holds him by the shoulders before biting down on the crook of his neck, vecna shouts and throws eddie backwards. 

Eddie tumbles back falling on his arse, he looks towards the monster in front of him as he floats towards him chuckling. 'leave the girl' eddie says vecna chuckles and puts his hand in front causing eddie to float 'silly silly munson' he grins. 

'no' steve says 'hey dickward let him go' robin shouts, vecna turns to the group, causing eddie to fall to his arse once again. He groans as he pulls to standing, he pulls a sharp object from his pocket and creeps up behind vecna. 'ah look shes awake' the monster chuckles as Dustin helps your limping body over to the group, Eddie looks at you before plunging the sharp object into vecnas back, mumbling a little 'this is for hurting my girl' as he does. 

Vecna falls to the ground hunched over, the sharp object having gone straight through him, as he fell, Eddie tumbled backwards doing a backwards somersault. He groans holding his side laying on the ground. El finishes vecna off, his body disintegrating into nothingness. 

'Eddie' you shout limping over to the boy falling to his side. 'eddie please' you sob clutching your body in pain, he smiles looking at you 'im right here' he coughs 'couldnt take me this time' he smiles softly sitting up pulling you into him. 'dont leave me edward' you say putting your forehead against his. He nods 'promise not to scare me like that again' he mumbles, you sob closing your eyes. 

The group start surrounding you helping you both up to return to some form of safety. 

////

Few hours after the "battle" 

Robin and Steve had patched you up, you being more bruised that cut, eddie sat by your side as they did, giving steve a look when you groaned in pain, Robin just chuckles at the boys. 'all done' she smiles 'get some rest' she nods to you, you nod giving her a cuddle 'thankyou' you mumble before leaning against eddie again. Eddie then picks you up and plops you down into his bed 'ill be back in two seconds ok' he mumbles kissing your forehead before walking out. 

You look around the room felling your eyes close with tiredness, you hear the front door open and close before you hear foot steps coming closer to eddies bedroom. 'sweetheart, theyve gone to get some food then everyones crashing here' eddie says laying down next to you, you just nod feeling yourself start to drift off to sleep. 

'get some rest princess' he mumbles kissing your forehead. 

Truth be told, Eddie didnt get much rest that night, everyone had crashed at his to worried that something might happen, nothing did but it eased everyones mind. Eddie stayed awake watching you sleep, he had a moment where he thought it was weird and creepy, but he just couldnt rest. Not even because of the super natural powers he had gained, he just needed to make sure you were ok, and he needed to be there if you woke up or had a nightmare, or anything. 

The sun peaks through the blinds, you begin to move around a little in bed, you groan and bump into a body. You slowly open your eyes and see Eddie smiling down at you, his head propped up on his arm his body turned to you, 'morning sweetheart' he smiles softly. You look up at the body his hair still in a low bun and his eyes looking heavenly, his lips not so chapped anymore. You move closer to him, he grins at you. 'i can read your thoughts remember' he chuckles 'i thought i said dont do that' you chuckle moving your face closer to his 'i did say i'd try' he grins as you place a soft kiss to his lips, he grins against them pulling your body closer to his, deepening the kissing. 

'be mine y/l/n' he mumbles against your lips, you nod chuckling kissing him again 'i dont wanna be anyone elses munson' you mumble. He chuckles pulling you on top of him deepening the kiss again. 

#eddie munson x reader smut #eddie munson fic #eddie munson #second gif is sooooooo noisy but i could not resist eddie looking up at steve like 🥺 #eddie munson x reader #eddie munson fluff #eddie munson headcanons #eddie munson stranger things #eddie stranger things #eddie my love #eddie munson smut #eddie munson vampire #vampire eddie munson #mine #dylanmunson #manbun eddie #low bun eddie

[webslingingslasher]

hiii🥹 i saw my nerdy!peter request btw i loved it he's so adorable thank you sm!!🩷

i've been gone a while bc i was Busy with finals but guess what!! i finished everything a week early so i have an extra week for term break 😌 slayed. im also going to the beach next week and the week after that im excited!!!

but also!! guess who went to bars 2x this week!! me!! which is something i Rarely ever do LMAO but yeah ive been hanging out with my new friends from my new org and ive been so happy!! 💞 we had a 3-day shoot for something we're abt to launch and when we finished we went out to drink near our college to celebrate, it was crazyyy

we played games n one of them were fuck marry kill and a guy said he'd fuck me JXJCJHX ???? 😭😭 i reacted so badly LIKE in a funny way, i cursed in my local language (same vibe as saying "bitch??🤨") and everyone laughed even the guy who said it loll im still giggling abt it bc it happened so fast, like i reacted so fast it was like a reflex😭 you shouldve seen my face kfkcncjdjd but i kinda feel bad bc i think he actually has a crush on me ? bc ive been picking up on how he acts around me lately.. srry brother ur not my type and im not exactly open to dating rn 🙁 but dw it didnt make me uncomfy, everyone took turns including me LOL and there were A Lot of us that night, 15 i think?? haha then some of them also walked me back home since their dorms were on the way. it was my first time walking around the area at night (the place is highkey sketchy) but it was fun👍

and then tonight/today we went out again to drink, just to celebrate the end of the term and i had soo much fun like i didnt drink much but the ppl around me are just rly fun to be with :) we were out from 8pm and i got home at 4am..🥹 it's my first time coming home that late loll but i had a blast. some of my org mates invited their own friends so i met new ppl and they were rly fun to be with too!! they also gave us a ride back home, we were 7 in the car lmfao but it was so nice, that ride fr made me feel like i was in a movie :︎’)

all of this happened this week it's insane but im very happy 🩷🩷 next week im going to the beach w my family and also the week after that but w my parents friends haha, im rly gonna make the most out of this short break bc im abt to start my thesis next term and i knowww i'll be Stressed🤕 i wont get this time of my life back so im gonna be happy now!!

-🧚🏼‍♀️

HELL YES!!!!!! I TOLD YOU THINGS WOULD START LOOKING UP!!!!

YOU GOT FRIENDS, GUYS THAT WANNA BANG YOU AND THE BEACH????

#🧚🏻‍♀️ anon

[spidergwen-real-notclickbait]

hello gamers here is another one of my infamous rants you can all ignore but im saying this all to countless people on Tumblr coz none of you know me irl so its less embarrassing but like...

I know ive complained about this before but ive had some realisations but im literally 21 tomorrow (in a few hours) and it still really upsets me that ive never had a relationship but ive been thinking about it and it literally is all my fault like... I have such cripplingly low self esteem I physically cannot believe that someone would ever be into me and just for example, there was this guy I went on a date w from tinder like a year ago now and he was rly nice but I freaked out bc he wanted to sleep w me on the fist date and that terrified me coz it was the first date I went on since I was assaulted so I just ignored him after that... but he messaged me again a few months later wanting to meet up again and I was fucking stupid and cancelled last minute.. like sorry for the long story but just an example of how I freak the fuck out whenever someone shows any interest in me.. and also I found out a few days ago that he has a gf now and I just hate myself sm coz that couldve been me yk?? but its happened so many times where someone asks me out or shows interest and I just reject them.. and then I wonder why ive never been in a relationship like it literally is all my fault.. there was this girl I was sort of seeing for a bit but she just texted me one day and now she's dating her housemate and there was this guy a bit ago that I really fucking liked but he messaged me at fucking 4am one day saying 'sorry for leading u on but im not ready for a relationship' and like???? why were you on hinge then??? and why did you spend all night every night for god knows how long saying how u can't wait to see me again???? like I know a relationship isn't the point of life but when nearly all my friends are in v serious relationships, like moving in together and talking about family shit, I just rly feel like ive missed out and I just wanna know what it feels like to love someone and have my heartbroken and shit like that what every other person I know has and... idk sorry this is so long its just rly upsetting me but I dont have anyone else to talk to coz I dont know anyone else in this situation sorry guys

[beamzar]

21st Nov 2023

Open entry: 19:35

I caught a virus from central London on Sunday, and havent recovered since. The illness has died down quite rapidly, but not quick enough. Chesty coughs, frequent sneezes and all that good stuff. Its pretty horrible, everyones getting sick.

Well anyway, my day has been boring. Woke up at 4am in a cold sweat. I pretty much stripped myself off of all clothing because i felt suffocated. I dont like the feel of thick clothes on me while i sleep, they make me all sweaty and gross. I then woke up again at 6am. This time by my mom who came in to check up on me. I had a slight fever which fixed up a few hours later. Per norm. I dont really remember what happened afterward. I kept falling in and out of sleep, quite uncomfortable. Ive made a mess of myself multiple times today, wether it was from a poor attempt at eating the pizza i had thrown in the oven, or a darn sneeze. I hate sneezing, mostly because they always cancel out or pop my ears.

I stayed in bed most the day, occasionally popping into the bathroom because of an uneasy feeling in my stomach. The bad part was that, it was dark, and damp. It wasnt a cozy sort of warm. Even though i had 2 thick blankets on me, my skin was still cold, and covered in sweat in some areas. I had been in bed for hours all tucked in so why was my skin still so cold??? Well anyway, i couldnt game or anything because my eyes burn, and im constantly dizzy. I did play a bit of Night In the Woods when i got bored of sleeping, but that didnt last long. The puzzles from the Lost Constellation minigame honestly made my headache worse. Plus, i cant read well.

I ate alright today, nothing too fancy but, still ate enough to survive. About to have dinner. Its meat. Kebab in my language, with fries. I dont really like kebab that much, and eating meat rn would mess me up, but im still starving.

Might watch some hannibal with my friends in a bit, were finally starting season 2. Im very exited. A bit irritated that i cant binge watch it but, that factor is redeemed by the company, and the laughs (or grossed out comments) we share. Fun stuff.

I feel like shit but, hopefully ill be able to go to school tomorrow. My psychology teacher hasnt answered my email, and our class tomorrow was cancelled, so i guess i wont be able to catch up.

Close entry: 19:50

Heres a song, it doesnt really relate to anything. Take it as a reccomendation or something

#blog #Spotify

[ginnsbaker]

hey there! i just wanted to say i LOVED ilogss! i found out about the story just recently, and lemme tell you, i stayed up late until 4am reading!! your writing is really captivating (to say the least), and the rollercoaster of emotions was exquisite.

it's been a while since i was so invested in a fic and this particular one exceeded all my expectations. thank u so much for your writing and i hope you keep writing more about wanda, after ilogss i truly believe you can write wanda in any plot/situation that it'll feel genuine anyway.

i'd like to ask about Y/N, though, because im kinda intrigued about what happened in that 2 year span (besides taking care of her mother), for example, how did she and natasha befriend again? i was thinking you could give us some moments between them (if you feel like it, of course), or between Y/N and Yelena (maybe you can add Kate too, since they are now together)

anyways! thanks for your work. you won a fangirl haha xx

Hello! It's been a while since Ive gotten a feedback for ILGOSS and as always, I'm excited to read it so thank you so much for taking the time to send me this ask (and for reading ILGOSS, of course!)

As for Y/N.. she quit her job again in New York, but I haven't decided yet what she's been doing in that time, just that she needed two years to be completely ready to be with Wanda again.

In the first year, she became friends with Nat again, and it's Nat who reached out, after finding out about her mom :)

Those "moments" are part of my planned oneshots for this universe, which I'll probably work on as soon as I'm done taking a break from writing :)

Again, thank you for sharing your thoughts. Cheers!

#ilgoss asks #anon

[billfarrah]

ahhh i've always interpreted the reason for why simon went to break up with marcus in ep3 to be because he realised that the rebound wouldnt work since 1) he's not really that into marcus + they want different things and 2) (more importantly) he's still not over wille At All!

1) i might be completely mistaken (since i'm going off of the english subs), but i think there might be something to how simon responds with "Okay, we're hanging out." after wille asks him about marcus ("But not that you hang out. If there's something going on between you, just tell me.") Simon had made out(?) with marcus the previous night, so technically that's already more than just "hanging out" with someone you know from your town. I think simon's decision to reduce what's going on between him and Marcus showed himself that he doesn't actually like marcus that much

2) but after seeing how hurt wille is over his response, he feels the need to reassure wille that he and marcus aren't together. I think in that moment, it hits him even more how much he still cares about and loves wille (not saying he wasn't aware of it before, just that it was a sudden reminder), and that this whole rebound thing probably wasn't going to work

so yeah adding both 1) and 2) together, alongside what happened the previous night when he tried to initiate something more with marcus but got turned down (i.e. realising he and marcus probably wants different things from this), it all just kinda gave him the push to end things (even though it didnt work out in the end)

(sorry if this was incoherent/poorly organised! it's almost 4am and ive been up the entire day) either way i always love to read your tags and answers so would love to see your take on this! have a good day! ^^

I totally agree with all of this.

I also think that the reason why Simon let Marcus sway him into staying involved is because Simon was still feeling confused over what he should do. Obviously what Marcus said about Micke was massively fucked up and out of line but maybe in Simon's mind he thought, maybe he's right. He obviously knew at that point getting over Wille wasn't working but that doesn't mean he was any closer to being ready to get back with Wille. He still believed their relationship was doomed. He had so many conflicting feelings going on and Marcus used that vulnerability to his advantage.

#young royals #wilmon

[mybumpbirthandbeyond]

Walking on a Dream

The 2 days at home before surgery flew past. I said goodbye to my kids the night before we left knowing that the next time I would see them, I would be two weeks post-op and would look very, very different. They were no different to usual. My son grasped it a bit better, but their attention span and emotions weren’t in line with what was a pretty big deal!

The morning before surgery ended up being my first, and last CrossFit class since before Christmas. We had booked to go to CrossFit Green near the hospital and it was always my plan that I would do a final class in Dublin before surgery. I had just hoped that I’d also make it to some in my own gym before. It turned out to be the first (and last I hope) workout that I seriously considered quitting. I was so deconditioned from being out of the gym for a month and still not 100%. My heart rate skyrocketed pretty quickly. I knew I would never reach the numbers on the board. At the end, I didn’t actually do as badly as I thought given all the factors, but if I hadn’t been getting surgery, I would have been seriously pissed off at myself for even of thinking of quitting.

Later that day, was my marking appointment. That appointment had been in my head since my surgery was booked - maybe then it would all seem real, because that appointment would mean it was really happening. What I didn’t anticipate, were the nerves. It was like Éilís read my mind when I went in - “a lot of patients feel nervous for this appointment but leave feeling much better,” which was exactly what happened.

I signed the consent form to confirm I wanted to go ahead with the surgery. There was a section to say I understood there were alternatives to surgery. We both had a good laugh at that: “I think I’ve exhausted all of those 😂”

I took the final pictures of my diastasis that night. I didn’t sleep terribly, but I wouldn’t say I slept well. I was fasting from 4am (I set an alarm and took a protein bar just before) and no liquid after 8am.

I walked the 15 minutes to the hospital with Alex. He already knew - I wanted to carry my hospital bag as it would be the last time I was carrying anything for a while. I’m stubborn, but I had my reasons - I don’t like asking for help and if I can do it myself I will do. I was admitted at 10am. We went to a small waiting room until I was called. We waited only 15 minutes before they told me that this was it and we had to say our goodbyes then. That felt so strange, but I wasn’t at all nervous. Poor Alex looked a bit lost, but I felt pretty calm and definitely felt ready.

I was taken to a bay to get changed into a robe, compression socks and to give a urine sample. I was there just minutes, before a doctor started taking my medical history. I didn’t even have a chance to get changed once he left, as the next thing two nurses came to get my urine sample, take a blood sample and insert a cannula for my IV. Everything felt like it was happening at breakneck speed. I literally had questions about practically everything in my medical history being fired at me, as someone else took blood at the same time.

By the time that was done, I noticed everyone in the waiting area were being taken at different points and leaving the area we were in. What I didn’t realise was they were being taken along more or less for surgery. I don’t know what I expected, but I somehow thought I was going to be taken to another room to wait. I didn’t think the next part would be the holding area right next to the operating theatre!

I had absolutely no concept of time, but the last time I checked my phone it was 11:29 and at that point I was called. I knew my surgery had been scheduled for 1:30pm and I knew that meant nothing as such, but I had in my head I had ages to wait. When I was told this was the point I would be leaving all my stuff and this was it, I was pretty shocked. I was led to the holding area where they drew the curtain around me in a room full of patients waiting for surgery, just like I was. The only difference was, surely I had a while yet to wait?

The nurse came in to go through a final few things. She asked me had I been waiting long for surgery. In terms of that morning: no 😂 in terms of everything else: it felt like it. She patted my leg and told me it wouldn’t be much longer. I don’t know how I managed to stop myself asking, ‘how is this possible because everything seems to be happening so fast’ 🙈 I have absolutely no idea how long I was sitting there before Éilís came over. I was aware I could see lots of pairs feet under the curtain that were moving about and no doubt leaving for surgery. I could hear surgeons and anaesthesiologists alike speaking to patients and leading them away. Probably the thing that set me off was hearing someone at the desk in the room say something about, ‘Éilís Fitzgerald’s patient.’ It wasn’t me they were speaking about, but my heart rate hit the roof and I realised I had to chill the hell out if I was going to be sitting there, especially if it was going to be for some time yet. I tried to just close my eyes and take deep breaths to calm down. I think I actually even drifted off for a few minutes I was so successful 🤣

When Éilís came in, I honestly felt like it was a dream. Apart from the fact when I had dreamt about that moment in the months previously, it usually ended with me being told it wasn’t happening and I had to go away and put more work in 🙈 Thankfully, this was real this time and there was no going back. We spoke for a few minutes and she asked me if I had any last minute questions, but the answer was no. I don’t know why I felt so calm at that point. It’s hard to describe - yes the day felt like someone had pushed the fast forward button, and very surreal. However other than small moments in the lead up, I didn’t ever feel anxious or nervous. All I felt was calm and ready. This was absolutely what I wanted, with the person I wanted to do it, and I knew I was in the best hands. I had long made peace with decision that this was how my journey was going to end up. We were finally there.

I had a few more minutes to sit before they were ready for me, so I stayed where I was. I say a few more minutes, but I genuinely have zero idea of how long it was. The next thing I know, the nurse and the anaesthesiologist himself came over. I instantly liked him. He introduced himself as, “I’m the person who’s going to put you to sleep with some lullabies. Shall we go do that now?” He then apologised for the wait. I said to him, this is all happening a lot quicker than I expected. I really don’t feel like I’ve been waiting at all. “Oh we all feel bad you’ve been waiting so long.” It was crazy 😅 I genuinely felt like I was in the weirdest time warp. Everyone else thought I’d been waiting ages, but I felt like I hadn’t been waiting at all.

I wasn’t sure what to expect, but it certainly wasn’t that I would walk out the holding room only to be one or two doors down into the operating theatre. Or that I would just casually walk in and then be told to hop up on the table 😅 At that point they placed the wee sticky pads on my chest for all the leads for the monitors and applied the compression pumps to my legs there and then.

I was trying to take everything in. I couldn’t quite believe even at that point that it was actually happening. I didn’t even feel nervous at all, but there was a real sense of relief and excitement. There were loads of people in the room getting ready behind me. I was aware of Éilís coming through the door to my right. The last thing I remember was the anaesthesiologist asking me the colour of the cannula, ‘pink to make the boys wink’ 😂 and then a pink mask being placed over my nose and mouth. I just remember that sweet smell of the mask that was the same as when I used gas and air in my first labour. I could feel the gas I was inhaling, and the nurse told me it was just oxygen, but I guess it probably wasn’t because I don’t remember anything else after that 😂 Either that or the timing of that was exactly at the same minute as I was given the knockout. Last time I trust someone that tells me that 🤣

My first memory was kind of coming to in recovery and thinking, ‘whoa I think I’m going to be sick’ and promptly retching. I wasn’t actually sick, but a doctor came over sharpish with a sick bag and then I was gone again. I just remember thinking, ‘bloody hell why do I have to go and test the abs straight away doing something like that 😂🙈’ I vaguely remember being told when I was going to be taken upstairs, but I felt like I was being pulled back under and couldn’t fight off the sleep. I remember being left in the room, but it was a colossal effort to keep my eyes open. The last thing I recall at that point was being aware of whoever was next me - the woman and her husband were speaking Spanish. I felt reassured that I must be okay, because I heard and understood everything they said (although if you ask me now I couldn’t tell you what they said!) I always thought I’d be the one waking up speaking Spanish under the influence of the painkillers, but it turns out I was just meant to be in the bed next door 😅

The next thing I realised my visitors were in the room. It took absolutely everything to force my eyes to stay open, but the fact that they were there I knew I wanted to be conscious. I still had absolutely no concept of time. They were only there a few minutes before Éilís came in. She could have told me absolutely anything and I would struggle to remember. What I do remember is her taking off the binder to let me look. I have no idea how I reacted or what I said. I’m guessing I shook my head in disbelief (because that’s still how I react now). Despite the fact my tissues were very stretched, somehow the quality of those tissues was actually very good for the sutures to take hold. There are no guarantees, but it’s likely the load I had put through them and the work I had put in which made the difference. I was told my diet was going to be changed due to the fact that she thought I might get really sick from anaesthetic because of the volume of it going through someone smaller framed like me. Somehow though, I managed to eat every meal I had and I didn’t retch again. I wasn’t at all sick and have no idea why. Maybe my body was just able to cope somehow.

I’ve spoken to a few people who said they had slept great the night of surgery, but I didn’t at all. Despite the painkillers and feeling like I was in a fog, my brain just wouldn’t switch off (no change there then) and of course the nurse came in regularly to see if I needed more pain relief so it felt like the night after I had each of my kids, where they just keep checking on you. That’s obviously so reassuring, and if I was asleep I wouldn’t have noticed, but I just didn’t sleep well for whatever reason.

In the morning, my catheter was taken out at 7am and I knew I’d be up and going to the toilet for my first walk. The nurse helped me the first time and I was immediately shocked at how straight I was able to stand without forcing it. I had expected the worse, so was pleasantly surprised when it just felt comfortable to stand almost straight. The nurses changed my bed when I came back because they said I was a query for staying another night, which was reinforced by the fact I was told to make another dinner choice. I knew most patients left the next day, so that was a bit confusing, but I put it down to my low blood pressure. If my blood pressure is anything, it’s always low. When I had my son, it was dangerously low the morning after given birth and I couldn’t stand. I knew it wasn’t as low the morning after surgery, but everyone remarked on it. ‘Is your blood pressure usually low?’ was a question I was asked by a couple of nurses and the physio.

When Éilís came in to check on her patients, she confirmed there would be no reason why I couldn’t leave that afternoon after showering etc. It sounded like I had been marked as a query to ensure if needed, the bed was there. That visit I remembered a bit better 😅 she took the binder off again to show me and said she was happy with how everything looked.

My nurse came back in and said she would change my belly button dressing after my shower. I managed to shower myself which I was surprised at, but so relieved. It just felt amazing to feel clean. My dressings were changed and I was then able to get dressed and put my binder back on myself. Of course, I was knackered by that time, so all I wanted to do was sleep. I was waiting on my prescription when Alex came in. The nurse read it out and I just remembered looking over at Alex thinking, that can’t be right. It sounded like the only painkillers I was being prescribed were paracetamol! Alex said, “Claire, when I had surgery on my hand I ended up with more than that, that can’t be right.” I asked Alex to get the nurse who had been with Éilís in the morning to ask her. Her face when I explained was an absolute picture! It turned out the doctor who had signed it hadn’t realised I had an abdominoplasty! 🙈 It was promptly corrected 😂 I can handle a lot, but wouldn’t have liked to be climbing the walls with the pain later thinking, why didn’t I say something?

The hospital physio visited me before I was discharged. It felt completely ironic if I’m honest. At the very beginning, we now know I should have been seen by a physio on the ward after having my son, and ever since then I’ve lucked out when it comes to physios. I couldn’t help but smile wryly at the fact I wasn’t being discharged post-op until I had been seen. She said my surgeon had told her I was pretty clear on everything I could and couldn’t do, but she just wanted to check coughing, breathing and log rolling. She readjusted the bed and when I log rolled, she told me I was really strong in doing it so she had no concerns. The coughing was no doubt the worst thing about being post-op. It is absolute agony, but a necessary evil to ensure I didn’t end up with a chest infection or worse post anaesthetic.

Before leaving, she took my blood pressure thinking she would get me to walk the corridors and then downstairs. I was game, but she decided because of my low blood pressure we wouldn’t do it. I felt able to, but this was day 1: there would be plenty time to test the waters when the time was right. She handed me a leaflet for post abdominal surgery and apologised: “you can’t do the majority on here anyway which I’m sure you know, but I mistakenly crossed out walking as well. You can walk and that’s it.” 😂

We were lucky to be staying across the road from the hospital. However, I was more than a bit mortified when Alex said he’d be taking me in a wheelchair to the apartment then would return it to the hospital. That led to a hell of an argument 🤣 but in the end I had no energy to fight him on it long enough to get my way and walk myself. I’ll probably never forgive him for making me do that. Talk about overprotective! I love him, but honestly I swear he insists on some things knowing how much it’ll wind me up!

I thought I’d struggle sleeping at night, but thankfully not. Although positioning myself took time, we got there eventually. Alex drove me crazy at times, but I can’t fault him as a nurse. He was on top of my painkillers and what I could take and when, did everything for me like dressing me, drying my hair and helping me clean my belly button. He cooked, brought everything to me and opened every door before I could even think of doing it. The odd time I slipped up, he gave me the hard stare that I’m pretty sure he reserves for me when I piss him off because, I’m ‘too stubborn.’ 🤣🙈

The second day I probably wanted to go out for a walk, but I was exhausted, and ended up napping on the couch. I hadn’t felt great that day so I listened to my body. While I was keenly aware of how everything felt like it was going better than I had expected, I knew I would now play a part in that in terms of what I was doing. The Monday after surgery, I went for a small walk and although I was walking a bit gingerly, I was pretty much straight when I was walking. I’m naturally a really fast walker, so to see Alex slow down for me was a reality check, but I knew I would get stronger at some point and wasn’t bothered how long it took, I was just grateful to be doing well.

That evening, I spotted my ankles were pretty swollen. I knew going to bed I would be immobile for the whole night and while I could have taken the compression socks off between days 3 and 5 post-op, I made the decision to keep them on at night. I also decided that on top of walking outside during the day, I would walk lengths of the long corridor in the evenings outside our apartment. Alex said it wasn’t quite 100m so I would do ‘there and back’ a few times. The first time I did 4 times, only for Alex to tell me it was quite quick so I decided to do more. Every night thereafter from then on, (with the exception of two nights when I was just too tired) I did 10 full lengths of the corridor which would take about 20 minutes (at the start) on top of any walk during the day. I wasn’t actively trying to do them quicker (Alex doesn’t believe that, but it’s true), but each time got quicker and easier. It gave me a bit of movement before bed, and equally some alone time and headspace to try and figure things out.

The next day was the only blip in my initial recovery. I noticed there seemed to be an infection at my belly button. I had been told that was really common given what belly buttons are, but I just knew it wasn’t quite right. When I explained how it looked over the phone, Éilís agreed it sounded infected and prescribed me antibiotics. I probably caught it a day earlier than maybe normal, as the next day it was red around it and looked more infected, but by that time I was already getting antibiotics into my system so thankfully, had no issues with a fever or anything else. I’ve always been hyper aware of everything going on at my tummy and that wasn’t about to change post-op. I think that’s probably why I caught it so early.

At 7 days post-op, I had my first physio consult. We discussed surgery and how I was doing and they had a look at my tummy. They both remarked how upright I was and how good it looked. I think Antony even commented I was looking ‘jacked.’ I have no idea what he was seeing, but I’ll take it 😅 The whole thing was surreal. I couldn’t believe a week had passed since that absolute blur of a day that would change my life forever. I still can’t get over it now.

The next day, Alex was leaving to swap with my Mum, who had been looking after Cailean and Emily since the Wednesday before. We had agreed it wasn’t fair on the kids to be away from both of us for so long, so Mum would come out as Alex went home. I would be on my own for about 5 hours, with Alex threatening to lock me in if he thought I was going to do anything that wasn’t allowed 🙄 I had suggested I would do my outdoor walk before my Mum arrived, but I had to compromise to my lengths of the corridor. Even then, he wasn’t happy I would be opening the apartment door myself. When he was leaving was the first time I got emotional. He had driven me crazy as I said, but I couldn’t have done it without him. Not just surgery - everything I had gone through in the last almost 4 years. He has been my rock throughout and I’m so lucky to have him.

I was probably a bit more emotional on my own between Alex leaving and my Mum arriving, so I was glad when she arrived a bit sooner than expected. During that week, I continued being able to walk more and for longer, but still listening to my body when I needed a rest.

The Monday after Mum arrived, was probably the most eventful. I thought my infection was getting worse - although that was based on how my belly button looked. It was decided that the way I cleaned it would change - no more antiseptic or ointment, just water and instead of a dressing, a panty liner inside my vest under the binder to ensure it was wicking any moisture away from the belly button. I was relieved - it previously felt like a never ending cycle where I would clean it, try to dry it as much as possible, but it would look worse again the following day when I took the dressing off.

My Mum had arrived in Dublin with conjunctivitis in both eyes, but it was steadily getting worse. I had no idea how to access doctors while we were there, but we ended up in an out of hours clinic at a nearby hospital. She had heard how awesome the doctors were and didn’t want to miss out 😂 That was probably the first time I was in close proximity to others outside of the shops in the waiting room without my jacket on. I watched two families with toddlers waiting to be seen. I’ve been that soldier many a time with my two. I suddenly thought they’re probably looking at me thinking I’m due a baby myself…only to look down and realise, “Nope. Nobody will think that ever again.” 🥹 It was the first time it hit me, but even then it felt like the feeling was barely scratching the surface.

My final appointment before going home was to get my dressings off at 12 days post-op. It was the weirdest feeling walking into the hospital and up to Éilís’ office, when the last time I had been there was my marking appointment the afternoon before surgery. I had taken paracetamol before just because I thought it would probably hurt. By that day, I had come off all painkillers and was only occasionally taking paracetamol - usually for a headache rather than anything to do with surgery. The dressings coming off wasn’t the most pleasant experience, but it was over quickly thankfully. It was the first time I got to see my scar and I know it seems strange, but I was delighted. It was the next big part of the puzzle post-op. When the nurse got me to look in the mirror once she had trimmed the sutures and cleaned it, I think I once again shook my head. I just couldn’t believe that that was what I looked like now. I still can’t. I was told the swelling below my belly button would go down and there were some cracking bruises, but I couldn’t care less if this is how it looked from now on. I’m over the moon and blown away the results. Compared to how I came into that office 13 days previously, it was night and day.

It was even harder to comprehend when the nurse took the photos and compared them to the very first consult last March 🤯 she put them side by side and said: “you can tell you’re fit and strong, but look at the difference.” I swear I feel like one of those Churchill dogs in those adverts that used to shake it’s head. I just cannot get my head round it.

Leaving the appointment though, I felt strange and I can’t really put into words how I was feeling. There was an air of finality creeping in again and I didn’t know how to feel. I didn’t know the words to thank my surgeon and her team for everything they had done. How can you thank someone who has had such a profound impact on your life? Who has changed your life for the better? I still can’t comprehend that this is it. I still don’t feel any of this is really real. I don’t know how, or when that will change.

My team - my physios, my surgeon and of course my husband - want to protect me at the minute. I love them for it, but there’s no denying: no matter what we all do, there is a weight of expectation and I can’t ignore it forever. Even in the lovely comments on my first update post-op, I had incredible comments like: “the whole community are wondering how you’re getting on,” “the update we’ve been waiting on,” “lots of us interested having followed your journey,” and “can’t wait to see your next update”. Even that’s hard to believe. People have been following from the beginning and they want to see it through with me to the end. It blows my mind as much now, as it did in the beginning.

I came home to my kids and my husband two days after that appointment. My son has grown up with this as much as I have lived with it. There have been times he’s been fixated on my tummy, and he completely understood everything about it getting fixed by the time surgery came. It came as no surprise then, that every single day I FaceTimed him when I was away, he asked to see my tummy. When I eventually showed him, he was speechless, which is pretty impressive for an almost 4 year old, who never stops speaking! The poor wee guy couldn’t comprehend it either.

I know it might be hard to understand why I have shared everything over the years and now I have the biggest update of all, but I’m not ready to share yet. I’m really struggling with it myself. I don’t know how I feel about everything. That’s partly why I made the decision to release these blog posts first. I hoped that if I tried to process it by writing (which has always been my go to throughout this journey), maybe I could figure it out. I’m reluctant to see anyone I know yet. I was happy in my bubble in Dublin because no one knew me there. I could go out for a walk and be completely anonymous. I go out for a walk now feeling I might bump into someone. I don’t want to hide away forever, but I’m dealing with some huge emotions and thoughts right now, after what has been years of my life.

There is one thing for certain I do know in all of this - how even more incredibly lucky I am now. Not only do I have my amazing physios, I now have the most amazing surgeon. I knew that before she even laid eyes on me in person, but throughout all of this, that has just become clearer each time and of course, no more so than when I woke up post-op. Her skills as a surgeon were never in doubt; but they were the cherry on top of an incredibly kind, caring and supportive person who got me as a person, how I felt, and what I wanted to achieve from day 1. That is everything I could have asked for and more. As with everything I have experienced throughout, there will never be enough words to express my gratitude for what my team have done and continue to do for me.

I have videos and pictures from those early days post-op. I will post these when I’m ready. I know many women following are considering or are getting an abdominoplasty, and I know maybe something I share might help. Maybe even just as reassurance that if that’s the decision they’ve made, they won’t regret it.

I have never been ashamed of getting surgery. It was very clear to me, even as early as 2020, that it would be my only option. That was reaffirmed when I was opened up. There was just no way I could do it myself: no matter what I did and no matter how hard I tried, or how long I put in the work, and I know I did absolutely everything humanly possible to try.

When the time comes, I will be putting the same efforts into my final chapter of rehab. Whilst I know they wouldn’t agree, it’s the very least I owe my surgeon and my physios. Once again, so much time and effort has been put into me and I couldn’t not repay that the only way I truly can. Even then, that probably won’t ever be enough for everything they have done for me. 🍀🌟❤️

#mybumpbirthandbeyond #diastasisrecti #postpartumrecovery #postpartumbody #pelvichealthphysio #pelvichealth #postpartum #plasticsurgery #abdominoplasty #postop

[celiastjamesoscar]

hi grace its been so long!! how have you been since we last spoke? 🤍

7 husbands of evelyn hugo finally arrived today!! im so excited to start reading it, im taking the day off work tomorrow to go up to the winter wonderland in london so i think i will read it on the train but it will only be for 20mins! :)

i was playing badminton today with one hand because of my splint and omg i tripped over again 😭 honestly i dont know whats happened to me ive suddenly got so clumsy

buggy was a nightmare today he went out of the little dog door we have and managed to escape through the fence early this morning at around 4am, into our neighbours garden and went through their open gate onto the street only to come up to our front door.

we have a ring doorbell which detects movement outside the house and rings automatically as my mum is very paranoid about someone breaking in, anyway because he kept running around on the drive it kept setting off the doorbell, honestly hes so annoying, he woke me up and i had to go outside in the cold and chase him to get him back after he kept running away from me

however i was watching the 3rd hangover movie yesterday and my mum was in the living room with me and when she glanced up at the screen to see chow and stu breaking in with the collars she now wants to get rid of the lil doggy door 😭

It has been entirely too long since we have last spoke my love! I’ve been doing good; I’ve almost finished my first semester of college. How have you been? Is your hand doing any better? 🤍

You’ll have to let me know what you think about it! It’s such a beautifully written book, so I hope you love it. Be safe on your train ride and have fun!!

Girl 😭 you are going to have to live in bubble wrap so you don’t trip anymore

Buggy is a menace and he must be stopped. Little dude went through all of that trouble just to go to the front door? I admire his dedication to torment you guys

I want to meet Buggy 😭 I need to experience his level of craziness at least once in my life. He was honestly running in front of that ring doorbell just to aggravate you guys and especially since he ran away for you. I envy him

I will never have a doggy door because of that scene in the Hangover and because of that one criminal minds episode where the killer got in through the doggy door. Your mom is a real one for wanting to get rid of it

Also, I’ve been working on your reporter!reader fic, and I’ve gotten a little over 11K words for it!

#bender chats #angel 🤍

[painsucklet]

8/25/23 - 4am mildly high thoughts

sometimes i wonder if i truly have a depressive disorder. not because im not depressed, because i certainly am, but because it feels way more complicated than "has the chemical imbalance illness." i've been getting treatments for depression ever since i was 12 but i've never "recovered." and i think thats just because there are so many other things wrong with me that depression will never be the most expansive, well fitting label for me. no one has ever succeeded at fixing my "depression" because the problem has never just been my brain chemicals. im wired completely differently than what is expected for any other person. my autism, my trauma, being a system, having a radical world view; i live an existence that borders outside of everything that surrounds me. nobodys prepared to deal with a case like me, including myself. yeah ik there are people out there who have it worse or experience the exact same things as me and thats really validating but that doesnt change the fact that i live in a system where people like me arent supposed to make it this far. and im not really sure how to cope with that? ive been thinking about this a lot and its been making me really anxious because im at the point where i have to make a decision. do i go along with everything and push myself into perpetual burnout and pain just so that i can survive? i really dont know what the other option is. even if i try to go with the less harsh option of trying to make a living off of my art, im still disabled and i always will be. do you know how hard it is to have any hope living when i feel like theres no point? that im destined to rot just by attempting the right hand path? what do i do. this anxiety about my future has me completely frozen up. im absolutely paralyzed, living in the limbo state that has been my life since i dropped out of school. i dont even know how to remedy this. i know that i desperately need therapy of some type if not multiple types but i dont know how to make that happen. its too expensive if my insurance isnt covered and the normal cbt that it does cover hasnt helped me much in the almost 8 years that ive been in and out of it. i just need help. fuck.

#diary entry i guess #dont feel obligated to read all of this