#ive come a really long way when it comes to my eating disorder. i could honestly say it may not be a thing anymore

[giorno-plays-piano]

Thorns In His Mouth

Part VII

Pairing: fae!Steve Rogers x reader

Warnings: obsession, dubious consent, minor character death, drugs (neither reader nor Steve are involved), slight eating disorder, mentions of tumor, high tech elves.

Words: 1.2k

Summary: Maybe it was a good idea to chat with a waitress a bit more once she brought you your order. Perhaps she could at least tell you with whom you should speak because you simply couldn’t force yourself to look at others, most of them already high, shouting something loudly or laughing or weeping. You could constantly hear the flapping of someone’s wings, weird whispers and noises, and the sound of boots and hooves that made your hair stand on end.

Part I | Part II | Part III | Part IV | Part V | Part VI

_______

"But where are we going?" You hurried after the elf who was walking way too fast on his goddamn perfectly long legs.

"My friend is a phooka who doesn't like sunlight much," Steve said, turning his face to you but not slowing down. "Since magic costs us too much in your world, not many fae can afford constant glamour. And phookas don't exactly look like humans, so he has to hide where not many people can see him."

Oh. You hadn't thought of that. Phookas were black-haired cat-like - or goat-like? - creatures, as far as you remembered from a book about Celtic fairies you've had as a child. It would be incredibly hard not to freak out if you suddenly saw one in the middle of the city.

Poor creature. Where was it living? How hard it would be to not only be unable to use magic, but also communicate with pretty much anyone at all with an exception of fellow faes? Steve, on the other hand, looked perfectly human even with his strange face and piercing blue eyes, his ears perfectly normal. Was he using glamour?

He seemed to be amused with your expression as he laughed, extending his hand to you so you could walk close instead of dragging behind him.

"Do you use glamour to change the shape of your ears?" You blurted out, unable to keep silent to satisfy your curiosity, and then shame bubbled up inside you as you realized it was a too personal question to ask a literal stranger. Nevertheless, you took his hand when his fingers brushed against yours.

His gaze warmed up. "I do. What, do you want me to oblige you and show you their true form?"

"No, no pleasure, I'm sorry! I don't know why I asked that."

"It's a shame," the elf winked at you. "I'd ask you for a wish in exchange."

Warmth crept into your cheeks: was Steve flirting with you just now? Or was it his fae nature showing itself? The fair folk were supposed to be overly playing - or utterly horrifying. Steve, you thought, was likely both.

Turning to the left, away from the bus station with a long queue of tired students nervously clutching their Ipads and Iphones, you followed the Watcher with your eyes on the road instead of looking at him. It never came to your mind that he considerably slowed down his pace so you could keep up with it, his palm warming yours as he held it gently. You missed his intent stare as he stopped smiling, and his eyes flashed oddly.

"Your first lesson," he finally said after a couple of minutes, breaking the awkward silence. "Don't ever bargain with a fae if it demands a wish in return. Always try to propose something first. Give it something valuable, but what you're ready to part with."

"Like my earrings?"

There's a faint smile on his full lips, "Like your earrings."

"But what if I really need to bargain with a fae, and it wants nothing else but a wish?"

Steve abruptly stopped, and you nearly fell down the ground if he didn't catch you, steading you with his unbearably hot palms on your shoulders, towering over you, his expression somber.

"You NEVER bargain with that fae," he said, and your knees started to tremble out of nowhere when he squeezed your shoulders tight. "Never. Come find me, and I will trade something else with you to help."

There's something dangerous in the way his lips crooked, but you continued staring at his face, anyway, like a snake charmer at a cobra - except it was you being controlled, his voice a low command.

"There has always been plenty of malicious fae even in Sacred lands, but many turned worse in exile. You will never guess which one is which, and you don't want to know what they'll do to you if you give them a chance."

"But... but weren't fair folk forbidden from harming us?" Your voice trembled a little, and Steve blew out a little breath, his thumbs drawing circles through the fabric of your blouse to comfort you, probably, after he stopped painfully squeezing your shoulders.

"When you give them a wish, you hand them the power over you. Do that, and the law will no longer work in your favor."

It was a rule #1, perhaps the most important one among the long list of other rules you were given when dealing with the little folk. Never have you ever allowed a fae to ask you for a wish since then, promising yourself you wouldn't waste your own life even for your mother. There was always a different way, Steve said, glancing down at you as he towered far above you. Sacrifices, whatever their nature, rarely led to anything good in the end.

By the time he walked down the stairs to enter the nearest metro station, you realized you had a very vague picture of a place you were going to, immediately asking the elf where he was planning to take you. Why were you leaving fae's part of the city? Did some creatures live outside it? Was it far? Was it a dangerous place, too?

The man was chuckling again at a limitless number of questions you could ask without drawing a second breath. "You were a worrier, weren't you?" He asked, and your cheeks grew hot with embarrassment.

"He lives close," he finally said, motioning to the metro tration. "And no place is dangerous as long as you're with me. You might get nervous, though. It's dark and dirty there."

Dark and dirty? Was it, like, some sort of a cave.

Looking at the growing smile of the elf, you suddenly realized why he was taking you down the metro station. Dear God, that's where that hairy phooka lived, right? Somewhere on an abandoned metro line or between the stations where no one but rats would see him, and so he wouldn't need glamor.

It all felt like some sort of urban legend.

You didn't have it in you to stop, knowing your mysterious friend was expecting results in return for his earnest work, but when Steve was helping you jump over the protective fence right on the tracks, you squeezed his hand, breathing heavier.

"Can I hold your hand, please? This place gives me the creeps," you smiled nervously at him, and Steve let out a loud laugh in his typical fashion, grasping your shoulder.

"You weren't scared of coming to a place full of drug addicts and all sorts of scum, but the metro scares you?" He helped you up when you had finally jumped down, barely believing you were really doing it, your anxity amping up. "Don't fret, you lovely little thing. I know this place better than anyone. I've lived here for many long years myself."

________

Tags: @heavenly1927 @yazzzmints @devils-blackrose @lost-and-founds @kennafild @toodlesxcuddles @shygardengalaxy @heimtathurs @moonlightazriel @tsujifreya @lilithmoon92 @greenowlfactif @minshookie29 @nina2697 @youngdreamer3214 @jsrblue

#steve rogers x reader #steve rogers #mcu fanfiction #mcu #captain america #dark steve rogers x reader #dark steve rogers #yandere

[webginz]

i had the worst shower ever. i was like, tripping out. reminded me of my "episodes" i had in middle school. just like voices and not knowing where i am. and not being able to get back to reality.

well now im on my way to the dentist, theres no way in hell they wont be able to notice i was just crying. (from fear of going to the dentist, not from the shower thing lol)

im so scared :(

[took out a part here but it was just about stress and disordered eating things from this morning]

then i got to the dentist and it sucked. long dentist story ahead

okay dentist. everything that couldve gone wrong, went wrong.. i tried acting normal, and we had small talk or whatever like normal dentist x ray stuff, but she could instantly tell something was wrong with me, i guess.

she gave me a health form to fill out. i was still chill and this point and was like oh yeah i have blood pressure problems but its only if im up moving around!! so not doing that at the desntist hehe amirite?! i also checked anxiety and i think thats what she wanted. just personal confirmation everything was gonna go wrong.

after she learned i had anxiety, she was nice, too nice imo... like i was a child. im okay with that though i guess. (i mean.. she could definitely tell i was just done crying)

she was like "the xray blanket is heavy and could help with ur anxiety" BUT I WANTED IT OFF AND COULD BARELY TALK SO I JUST NODDED. it made me feel so overwhelmed immediately. THIS IS WHERE EVERYTHING STARTED GOING BAD

im also just constantly aware of my hair and when you lean back on the stupid dentist seat my hat falls off. its like LOOK THE FREAK WHOS SCARED OF THE DENTIST AND PULLS OUT ALL HER HAIR!!

whatever. so there i am on the dentist chair. bald spots for the world to see. xray blanket sensory overload. sunglasses on top of my regular glasses. but im pushing through.

she starts using the tool on my teeth. a metal vibrating thing that sounds like a drill. my worst most awful fear is high pitched drilling noises. if im in a good mood i can put up with them for a bit, but obviously todays not that day. i try not to freak out, but she notices and asks if im okay and im like "yah" (with tears)

but then my mom comes in and shes like "can you not do it a different way?!?!" "shes freaking out" and just making everything WORSE. (used the chaos here to get rid of the dumb xray thing)

ive been on and off hyperventilating through all of this btw... i heard one of the dentist ladies say "shes crying and breathing really fast..." which was like. kill me now please god.

so back to my mom asking "can you not just do it a different way?" they do have a different way btw. without the scary machine! but then dentist lady says "she used this machine the last 2 times she was here? we dont have enough time to do it manually." (proof i was just having a bad day and i totally can be normal!!! but hearing this made me feel awful like i could feel all the dentists were thinking "she did it fine last time why is she carzy today?!?")

she then asked to step away to find the MAIN dentist lady.

at this point i was crying shaking hyperventilating and felt like i was gonna throw up from nervous energy. also my mom is pestering me a bunch (shes concerned but making everything worse, her hearts in the right place tho ily mom)

so big boss dentist lady is here. she says she looked at the xrays (from the beginning, remember?) and i have A GAZILLION CAVITIESSSSSS!!!!!

she says for my dental things from now on i should go to a SEDATION DENTIST!!!!

i was so out of it i didnt even know what to say. well now i do!!!

im not usually that scared. i was having a VERY BAD morning.

the dentist i go to now is all women. the sedation dentist is a MAN, that none of the women there had ever met. I HAVE TO GO MEET A MAN TO SEDATE ME SO I CAN BE ALONE WITH HIM? SO HE CAN DO MY TEETH? i might have a silly joking tone to this post but with this im being so serious. im scared as hell that thats just gonna end with me being raped.

i dont like male doctors/dentists/anything and always have my mom with me when i have to. there was a female assistant when i had my endoscopy and female nurses when i had my surgery. i dont want to be alone, asleep, in a room with a man i dont know. JUST BECAUSE IM SCARED OF THE DENTIST???

god i keep seeing stuff in the corner of my eye as im writing this. i think my psychosis is coming back for some reason.

every things going wrong today and forever

pls like/reply this post if you read it all im sorry for my ranting

#personal #i need a journal im sorry

[romanarose]

Ive seen TF boys on your page and I wanted to know you thoughts on how the moonboys would comfort and help a bulimic reader?

Hi love! Happy to give you come HC's for this <3

My inbox is currently closed as im working through old requests/ working on writing fics, but I wanted to do this one bc its a very important subject to my heart, with how bad my bulimia permanently destroyed my disgestive system and teeth

Moon Boys with a Bulimic reader

Warnings: Bulimia, vomit, food restriction, binging and purging NSFW refernces (bc its jake)

Steven Grant

He had to stay late tonight at work, some of his students were a little lost on the subject matter, so he held a study session before finals to allow everyone a chance to clarify. He had felt bad for missing dinner, of course, but he brought cake back as an apology

When you didn't answer, he saw the bathroom door was closed, and just figured you were in there bathing as you often did after diner

when he comes to the door to say hello and let you know there's cake, he hears you crying, and quickly opens the door, knowing your history with mental health problems and worrying you hurt yourself or were going to. He saw you crying against the wall, not even looking at him, and saw remnants of throw up in the toilet that hadn't all gone down with the first flush, he initially thought you were sick

"oh darling, here, let's get you to bed. Is it your stomach-" He paused as he saw your hand, red and scratched knuckles covered in throw up. Oh.

"I'm sorry" you cry "I'm fucking gross"

"No, no darling, you're not, here" Steven gets a wet towel and gently cleans your face and hands, as well as any mess you might have made. He washed his hands, then went to scoop you up. "C'mere love, lets rest, yeah?" And carried you over to the bed, not mentioning the cake he brought. Laying you down with a blanket and your favorite stuffed animal, he brought you water and asked you to drink it, knowing how purges dehydrate. He had read every book he could find on eating disorders, the health effects and treatment. He knew your addictive personality made things worse, harder to break out of habits.

"How long had this been going on again?" he asked

"Today was the first relapse" you answered, but he gave you a look like he didn't believe you "I swear! That's why I was crying... all the progress went to waste" You lip quivers trying to get the last few words out

Steven sits down with you, holding you tight, assuring you that this didn't detract from your progress, that progress isn't linear, and you are still his strong, beautiful girl.

He holds you tight that night, they two of you whispering with the sheets pulled over your head like children staying up too late at a sleep over, whispering about how much you loved each other

Will keep a careful eye on you, and definitely takes over the cooking to make you nutritious food, oh you want to help! Even better, love

Marc Spector

When you first approached Marc about going to the gym with him, he was elated! He was so excited about showing you around, teaching you how to use equipment, and of course spending more time with you!

So you started going with him every time he went, he even bought you cute workout clothes. That might have been a bit selfish on his part. He like checking you out, and he liked the way men stared at you, until they realized you were with him. The caveman part of his brain loved posturing, and he especially loved how you only ever had eyes for him, no matter the stronger, fitter men and women there.

Then you got really into it. Marc thought this was a bit odd, but was happy to spend the time training you.

First warning sign was when you started drinking protein shakes in lieu of breakfast. Not the end of the world, you were never a huge breakfast person. But when you stopped eating lunch in favor of the shakes, he confronted you. You insisted they were just easier, and tasted so good, you just preferred it.

Then there was the day he had to take you home early from the gym because you weighed yourself and found you hadn't lost weight, and you began crying, no matter how much he tried to explain that you were gaining muscle, which is denser than fat, and he was so proud of you for how much you could lift now!

You stuck to the treadmill and elliptical from then on, which Marc hated. He'd run with you for a bit, but then opted to do weights. although he stayed nearby in case anyone caused you problems, he missed working with you. He couldn't even really focus, watching you strain yourself and look miserable

The last straw was when he went to bring you water, and you refused to stop or slow down. In the middle of a argument while you ran, he watched your eyes go blank. Thinking quickly, he pressed the emergency button and caught you as you fell, the treadmill only managed to give a few rug burns on your legs and knees.

When you came to in his arms, you were greeted by his angelic face insisting you drink the water he had. He spoke soft, but obviously very distressed. He asked you how long it had been since you'd eaten. The frown on his face was deep as you watched his eyes start to tear up.

"Don't cry, please" you ask.

"You really scared me" He smiled at you.

Marc drove you insane after that. "did you eat today?" "what did you have?" "did you eat all of it?" this man did not know the meaning of sublty

He babied, and I mean babied the shit out of you

Fucker wouldn't even let you ride him

You gotta sit this man down and tell him to knock it off or you're gonna scream

You make a deal. You start going to counseling, he has to start taking you to the gym again (he wouldn't let you go alone, that's fir sure)

He agrees. You focus back on the weights, less on weight loss. (marc took the scale out of the house. You may or may no have found it shattered in the dumpster when you took the trash out. Marc has beef with all scales now.)

You enjoy the weights, you enjoy feeling strong, and you definitely enjoy using it to bring out Marc’s subby side

Jake Lockley

It's hard not to feel sexy with this man

The pet names and compliments are none stop. You've began to wonder if he forgot your actual name.

During sex, he takes the term body worship to a new level. This man's mouth and hands are e v e r y w h e r e

Why are his hand's all over your arms? Why is he kissing your calves when he's got your feet over his shoulders? Why does he suck hickies between your thighs? Why does he bite and squeeze your hip dip? you'll never know, but you love it

But you and him both know that sometimes, eating problems aren't about body image, but about control, and compulsions. And a little bit of body image because fuck, who doesn't struggle with that sometimes?

When he sees the warning signs, you hiding your body from him, not wanting to eat with him, generally being distant again, he always asks. He doesn't come on as intense as Marc with his protectiveness, but he will mentally keep track of your eating, and try to coax you into eating something if he see's you sipping meals. He has deficiently taken your car keys once, not because he was trying to keep you home, but because he didn't think you were safe to drive the busy streets.

Buys you literally anything he thinks might help. If its not about your body necessarily, he'll get you whatever you think might help you feel in control. Wanna craft? He'll build you a shelf and buy you all the fucking yarn in the world. Wana have a lil world you can control? Every sims pack you can imagine. Cat? Plants? A lizard? Fuck it, yeah, he'll buy you a lizard. Coolest lizard ever. He'll take lil charizard on a walk with you if thats what you want

All the boys

You're getting vitamins

And water!!! If you're throwing up, you're going to at least stay hydrated.

Bathroom lock is either taken out, or there's a spare key. Not out of control, no, they know you'll find a way to do it if you really want to, but in case of emergency

Will encourage therapy and medication, if you think it's right for you, maybe at least to try for a bit?

Never, ever, shame you for how you feel or act. You can tell them if you are having urges, need a distraction.

Steven and Jake make sure to keep Marc's protective nature in check, to make sure you aren't deterred from talking to them.

constantly shower you in praise and love and compliments

Always always always tell you how proud they are of you, even if you relapse, bc look how well you were doing! That means you can absolutely do it again!

I hope this was nice! I really love these 3 and I feel they would all be so supportive (even if marc might be a lil much sometimes XD It's okay, we love him <3 )

not tagging anyone today, but please be sure to comment/reblog if you liked this!

#steven grant #steven grant x reader #marc spector #marc spector x reader #jake lockley #jake lockley x reader #moon knight #moon knight thoughts #tw: eating disorder #tw: bulimia

[vorpalfae]

hi do you mind if I ask you what symptoms of bipolar you have experienced before/are currently experiencing right now? if this is too heavy for you to answer then that’s alright it’s just that I was recently diagnosed with bipolar 2 and I wanted to hear about the experience from another person.. thank you 

well i have bipolar 1 rapid cycling which is more severe than just having bipolar 1. and bipolar 1 by itself is more severe than bipolar 2, so definitely don't compare yourself to me too much. also everyone is different. not every person with bipolar of any type has the same symptoms. i also have anxiety, ptsd, and im seeing a psychiatrist in november to be tested for a neurological disorder that my therapist thinks i may have but she can't diagnose me. so sometimes those symptoms from other things overlap into what i experience. some things might be caused by my anxiety or ptsd. for example i've had hallucinations plenty of times which can be a symptom of bipolar but also could be from ptsd too. i have manic episodes all the time. and when im not having mania im basically in a constant state of depression. its awful. i do have impulses but ive spent years learning how to control them. they used to be uncontrollable and it ruined my life for many years. my sleep and appetite changes constantly. sometimes i dont need sleep at all and other times all i do is sleep. and most of them time i can't eat a lot. and when i am able to eat i end up binge eating to make up for barely eating most of the time. im extremely indecisive and its hard to focus on one task. i usually have like 10 different tasks going at a time which makes it hard to complete anything. but i also become obsessed with my interests. it actually annoys ppl because i will talk about the same few things over and over. i have suicidal thought all the time. only thoughts tho. i would never act on them. but before i could control my impulses i had multiple attempts to end my life. i also have constant racing thoughts or my mind feels blank and i'll be completely silent for days sometimes because i have nothing to say. except when it comes to my children. obviously i speak to them when they are around, but i won't start a conversation when my mind feels blank or i won't CHOOSE to say anything for days. yeah it really fucking sucks. life with bipolar is mainly living in extremes. [for me anyway]. im either exteremely happy or extremely sad. same goes with being confident or not confident, hungry or not hungry, etc. one of the hardest things is having so much energy when im manic and feeling constantly tired and drained when im depressive. because i have children and i HAVE to be productive on daily basis. i can't just NOT clean or do dishes or laundry etc. so when im depressive i have to mentally and physically force myself to do anything. its honestly absolute hell. and im so sorry you have it too. i wish i had more positive things to tell you about it, but im not going to sugarcoat it or lie to you.

as long as you put in effort to work on yourself and try to be aware of the way you react to things or what things affect your mood, it will get easier. i know that i NEED therapy. every time i left therapy i relapsed on drugs or i mentally deteriorated. so i highly recommend finding a good therapist if you start to struggle badly. or just have one just to help you even if you don't think you need one. they help sooo much with helping u understand yourself and your thoughts and actions. i wish you nothing but the best✨💜 bipolar disorder can be so crippling. it can even be a disability for some ppl. for me it is. i am getting disability soon because its pretty impossible to find a job that works with what im able and unable to do. it lowered my confidence a lot when i realized i needed the extra help but now im more okay with it because i know its just the hand i've been dealt. i didnt ask for bipolar disorder. just like i didn't ask for it to prevent me from working. its just what happened to me. and thats okay. 🖤💜 i hope you are well🥰

#ask

[failed-apple]

okay heres again my opinions on proed, and please read the whole post before commenting.

i think proana should be allowed to exist, just not on public social medias. private forums are a thing, i use one (im not gonna drop the name tho sorry. if you wanna find one you can use google/reddit). explanation:

proana is gonna exist no matter what. its existed online since the start of the internet (and probably before that in some way) and it doesn't seem to go away since its kind of a natural thing that comes with weight related eds to want to be triggered. with proed and proana i mean both possibly triggering stuff, relatability, acceptance, harm reduction and in a contained, safe space, thinspo and other purposfully triggering stuff. i have seen people one here that are very much tredding the line of encouraging eds, (posts like reasons to starve, meanspo, tips etc.) which is still proana and i get wanting to post it but public social media is definitely not the place for that. in ed forums there are different subforums for different things, so you can be on an ed forum without ever seeing thinspo, or things about purging or numbers if you want to. also, forums are moderated, and a lot of proana forums still dont allow harmful tips or encouraging other to get worse. even if its a space to post triggering stuff, its supposed to be a safe space for people with eds, and stuff like teaching people who to purge or encouraging long fasts (things ive seen on here) isnt making anyone safe.

and again: edforums are contained places and thats the important thing. the thing with proanablr/twt/tt/yt and so on is that its really easy to accidentally find, especially on social medias with algorithms. on tiktok anyone whos liked a vid about depression can easily get a vid about eds on their fyp, which could introduce them to the glamorizing eds tt to *what i eat in a day - restricting edition/300cal edition* and so on, which would make them more likely to develop an ed. people dont accidentally stumble upon a semiprivate proana website where you need to have been active a certain amount of time and posted a certain amount of posts to see the triggering stuff. and on tumblr, where theres not much of an algorithm, i still think people shouldnt post thinspo and stuff like that. yes, its a bit more difficult to stumble upon, but if youre on say bpdblr, you might not scroll through a whole blog before following it, and then you have proana stuff on your dash cause naturally people mix the stuff they post about. and even if youre already on edblr you might not want a bunch of triggering stuff, and cause of the nonworking filtering system cause everyone uses tags like @ na m1a anj0r3ks1@ and so fucking on, its impossible to filter out the triggering posts. when i have times i want to recover i want to be able to have a safe dash. so i try my best to not follow and unfollow everyone who post thinspo, but cause not everyone who does it are only-thinspo blogs its difficult to know who i can follow, and i accidentally follow a lot of triggering blogs.

what my blog is, is pro recovery. i try to post as little triggering things as possible, while also posting memes and things non disordered people possibly could find concerning, but with the more obviously triggering stuff, i post on the edforum, since that way theres no one accidentally stumbling upon it.

tldr: proana should exist, but only on closed moderated forums.

#apple rants #unpopular opinoin ed edition maybe #ranting #edforums #might pin this one for a bit i want people to read it

[tswift]

hi so i’m never usually the person to send anon asks especially not to be like…. “arguing” or otherwise stirring up unnecessary drama and certainly not to make anybody feel bad, but i wanted to give some of my perspective on the whole anti hero mv scale issue, if you might let me. i def wanna make it clear that im not looking to be a jerk or say that you or anyone else is wrong or whatever at all. i do respect your perspective on this and i hope that’s clear throughout this!!

anyway i’m not the best person to speak on the issue from this side but ive spent a lot of time today trying to understand why people are taking issue with that part of the mv because admittedly, i definitely don’t feel right about it and ive wanted to get other peoples opinions, esp those who are the most impacted by the video. to me, it seems like people are less trying to call taylor fatphobic or cancel her or whatever, but rather they’re pointing out that the creative decision she made plays into fatphobia. no matter how you look at it, even when we consider her struggles with body image and eds and horrid experiences w the media and fans etc in this sense, it still doesn’t erase the narrative being perpetuated (or i’ll say implied because to be fair, we can’t know exactly what she meant or how she meant it) that being fat is bad, or that it takes away from your worth, etc. i am positive that she never would have put this out there intentionally, knowing that it can potentially be deeply harmful. however, that doesn’t change the fact that there are seemingly a considerable amount of people who were somehow hurt by this portrayal.

i’ve seen plenty of people of all body types with varying opinions here, but personally i do fear that it would be very harmful to just ignore and write off the voices of actual fat people who are saying that they feel hurt, or upset, or angry, or disappointed. even if we happen to disagree, it’s unfair to not even attempt to understand where they’re coming from and empathize with them here.

i’m sorry to bug you with this, but i hope that we can all kinda try to empathize with and understand each other a little more here. i’ve heard a lot from people with this particular viewpoint and i’m totally open to the other side as well :) i hope you’re having a great release day!!

Hi there! I must admit I was tempted to not read this because it's so long and I'm exhausted but you were super polite and thoughtful so I had to answer!

I've also spent a lot of time on twitter today reading various perspectives on her use of the word "fat." And I agree, that the video does reinforce that the word "fat" is something that should be viewed as derogatory.

HOWEVER, this is an extremely personal and vulnerable song that is about her individual experience. I think one of the reasons she really stressed the nature of this song is probably due to the scale scene where the word "fat" is featured.

I do not believe Taylor is making any kind of statement about being fat, or how we should react to the word. She is instead illuminating how the word was weaponized against her, specifically. And that the media played a huge part in her eating disorder and body dysmorphia.

The scene is basically the "bad" version of herself, the version who hates herself enough to let these very public criticisms of her body bleed into her own self-image. If anything, the scene is telling the audience that using the word "fat" in a derogatory way IS harmful and wrong. She could have easily put "flat ass" or "too skinny" and it would have the same effect. It's the very fact that there are people out there commenting on her body enough to either give her an ED or worsen an eating disorder she already had before becoming famous. We also need to consider how much of the spotlight Taylor is in compared to someone like me or you. You may have two or three people comment on your appearance in a negative way, well she has millions commenting and speculating and criticizing. Fatphobia is extremely prevalent and it was much worse even just five years ago.

But all of this does not change the fact that music is art and it's deeply personal. Not always, but this song is EXTREMELY personal. She did not make a song about the daily struggle of human beings, she made a song about her OWN struggles.

I think it would be disingenuous to the song and Taylor's own experience if she erased or altered it because people may watch it and make the song about themselves. This is a very rare time because this song is not really as universal. Like yes we can relate to having anxiety about our appearance and what people think of us/etc, but this song is specific to Taylor. She should not silence or rewrite her own history and trauma. She should not have to deal with people commenting and judging her on how she chooses to heal. Recovery is a long and winding road.

I hope this made sense. As someone who also has an ED, I did not find the use of the word offensive at all. I actually found it comforting to know that someone else out there feels the pressures of society, a society that tells girls too many harmful things and expects them to just accept it as a fact of life. But the bottom line remains: this is not about me or you. It is about her.

#ed tw #eating disorder tw #body dysmorphia tw #anonymous #answered

[divinebunni]

I want to do what you do but am super duper shy ///>_<///

How does one gain the confidence to talk about sex and show so much of their body, but also show their face so much? It seems really embarrassing. What if someone gets recognized by a person who knows them in real life? Thinking about it gives me a lot of anxiety, but I really want to do it and be as confident and amazing as you and others like you, where do you get the courage?

~ honestly with all the advice in my soul, this is something i am very bad at helping with x.x I haven’t cared what people thought of me or my choices or my sexuality pretty much my whole life, i was always the high libido unhinged openly sex positive friend (even though i was abstinent until i was 18). i always dressed how i wanted because i love making outfits, i fucked and had relations with those i wanted, and social standards and all that nonsense never bothered me.

on the other hand i can say i was very prude, i was open about how much i loved sex, i loved voyeurism, but the actual act of being sexual with someone made me incredibly anxious. I didn’t have my first kiss until i was 16 even, but i know a lot of that anxiety had to do with the abuse i faced at home and the fear of punishment. in college i used sex to spite and even hurt myself, I learned a lot about what i liked, but no one could make me cum or feel pleasure beyond just spanking me until i was black. it took a lot of support and time from my husband to help me find comfort in sex, and now relief, pleasure, joy, all of the above and that is really important for me to express to others because i know how scary it can all be at once ~ and i know how hard it can be to fully commit yourself to another person after so many abandoned you.

and sharing my body here on this blog is really the only place i do so. it started because i was beginning a journey of recovery from a many years long eating disorder (i’ve had tummy issues my whole life) and my husband encouraged me to document my physical progress somewhere that allowed me to share this much of my body, all the little bits and pieces people don’t think of when it comes to trying to gain healthy weight and really be able to visualize and chart that growth. it truly wasn’t until a few months ago i started to really see myself again, I didn’t think i was too thin anymore, my ribs and hips stopped hurting as much, and the blog slowly transitioned to a positive space for everyone, all their ins and outs and lifes ups and downs, and a collective area for me to enjoy the work that sex workers do and admire genuine beauty ~ and i am so proud of my achievements and how far ive come so expressing myself in an erotic and sensual manner feels like the tru culmination of my life ~

so i guess in all that rambling i will say this, being shy is super cute ! not wanting to post your face is valid for many reasons other than not wishing to be recognized (if i was recognized id just smile, I don’t really leave the house anyway). if it’s embarrassing right now for you, over time with practice and finding your angles and the right lighting can really open up how you feel about taking expressive erotic media and posting it somewhere ~ it’s all about your levels of comfort, make a goal list and start small and work your way to the bottom, by then you’ll wonder why it was ever such an anxiety machine to begin with c: good luck all my beans that want to be sexy online ~ you deserve it 🥰

#ask #bunni answers #advice

[flockofdoves]

finally finally finally(!!!) got to go to have my first appointment with my new primary care doctor after her having such a long waiting list (even though it still was way shorter than other doctors ppl in a local lgbt fb group recced as being good with fat patients) and then having my first scheduled appointment last may canceled due to her having a family emergency

and god. started tearing up afterwards. ive never had such a good doctors appointment in my life.

she ordered the tests i asked about and gave me the sleep doctor referral i needed but then also went above and beyond and was thorough with ordering even more tests for stuff that occurred to her

it was so validating like i was trying to step around like ‘a friend with sleep apnea really encouraged me to look into getting a sleep study done and i already did one of those take home ones where you tape a little thing around your finger last year and it was negative but idk i thought maybe if possible i’d want to look into it still in case its something beyond obstructive sleep apnea’ and she was like yes of course! but then also asked ‘did the test you did at home come with any head gear?’ and when i was like ‘no just the finger thing the uhhh. blood oximetry light thing’ she was like ‘pshhh the only decent at home tests have head gear, thats nothing! and of course even then it doesnt look into a whole lot of other sleep issues’ which god. was sooooo affirming

and she was so upfront about the referral like ‘look. most sleep specialists around here are old cis white men who can be super intimidating and i’ve had issues with them misgendering my patients, if you tell me something like that happens i’ll always advocate for you, i’ve done it before, but just know that even if they dismiss you in the moment, while you shouldn’t have to go through that, you’re just there to get the results of those tests and i can help you advocate for what you need from there. not saying that to scare you off from doing it at all i’m writing the referral right now! but just i feel like to be responsible even if i know that type of doctor isn’t something new to most people, i still should give you that warning. i’d definitely recommend bringing a friend to your appointment with them if you can’

i know from people saying in the fb group that she is lgbt herself, but in addition to that the way she mentioned neurodivergence and me being autistic when referencing my medical history and also connecting it to other stuff i feel like she also has personal experience w that herself it was really cool

and god i still eased into it a bit despite literally going to her bc ppl said she practices HAES but the way she just seemed to totally Get all my stuff with my atypical restrictive eating disorder and experience with fatphobia in recovery and never mentioned my bmi and unprompted (when describing another medical concept with it as a relevant example) dismissed the idea of intentional weight loss diets as healthy for anyone

and both was really responsive to and appreciative of me just coming with a list of stuff i was thinking about and advocating for myself but then also suggested certain diagnoses as stuff to look into based on just like. normal listening to me without me even trying to feed information to passively hopefully get care which was so affirming bc it was all stuff i’d been curious about if could be the case for me but didn’t want to prioritize to look into above the main stuff i came with after not having a doctor for so long

also found out she also specializes in obgyn stuff so i dont even have to find another doctor for that!!

its slightly nervewracking that my follow up can’t be til december (also between that and her being pretty late to my appointment to help another patient, it makes me feel like. god. this system isn’t set up for good caring doctors to succeed. i hope she never gets burnt out or anything) fortunately i can at least do some of the blood work basically any time i’m free so thats cool

but god im just so grateful!!! holy shit!!! :)

#cpost

[notcolleen]

god i have so many thoughts to write about this trip but right now i need to process this before anything else:

[[MORE]]

oregon has always held so much significance to me in terms of recovery bc my time at/after rainrock was the most lasting and most authentic recovery ive ever experienced. i also truly love it here and refuse to tarnish that with the shame of my eating disorder. so with that, i have forced myself to try my hardest every time im here and unfortunately that usually means a lot of getting back on track from relapse or a lot of significant differences in the way i was eating/living at home.

i try to view it as a ‘reset’ to get back on track but tbh i know i probably place too much significance on my time here and it sometimes ends up enabling my behaviors and ultimately making it harder bc i am so black and white in my thinking (so i let things get really bad before coming bc i ‘i’ll do better there’)

and im actually thankful i didn’t have a lot of notice this time bc i couldn’t completely crash and burn beforehand, and was actually trying to make small changes to my routine before bc i was getting sick of myself and i just had a birthday and didn’t want to spend another year like this, but there was definitely still the last couple days of ‘fuck it’ mentality

so this is all to say, on top of work and travel stress, im also just really anxious and Going Through it rn bc im like…trying to force a complete turn around in my recovery over the last couple days and my body is confused and my brain is confused and i feel like this is the timeframe i’d usually be in treatment center venting abt the refeeding process and complaining abt the superficial woes of weight gain and body changes but instead im really just trying to appreciate being here / trying to take advantage of Recovery Food here (abt to write a whole other post on scarcity mindset and a hotel breakfast buffet though bc holy shit im struggling with that) and trying to appreciate being here and exploring while !not! exploring too much and having it become a behavior

and it’s all just really hard

and actually i started this post to say that i am on my lunch break now and it was hard bc only 10 minutes ago a student lifted up my arm and called it flabby and asked me what my marks on my arms are (not the tattoos lol, the stretch marks) and said they looked like her grandmoms arms lmao tried to play it off and explain that bodies change and grow and look different and we should never touch other ppls bodies without permission etc etc but she’s young and i know it was forgotten in 2 seconds while i now have to come and each lunch with it on my mind

and im actually in the process of really working to accept my arms in particular, bc i know it’s something other ppl see; ive gotten comments from other ppl abt my stretchmarks since 4th grade lol. they bear my weight changes more signicantly than other places and my stretchmarks become really visible when i am tan. and the “flabby” is just fact. i could spend my days in the gym and it would still be there. i could lose 372956 lbs and it would be there. my body has been put through so much over the years and i am learning to accept it more and more each day, and i no longer dress to hide these things, but i definitely still have a pit in my stomach every time a kid stares a little too long or asks me to move my arm.

but anyway i will now still eat lunch

and then i will journal in my body acceptance journal that i specifically brought along in my carry on bc i knew this would be difficult and i am ready to try

okay

bye 🤸‍♂️

[simplekeikaku]

Learning tricks you can do with no prep time that actually work

Hi, I’m an older student who’s returned to school and is having to learn for the first time in my life how to study! I’ll write a separate post on note taking/revising methods that are working for me, but the following are the fastest and easiest tricks I’ve found to boost retention and efficiency. Some of them sound silly, but trust me, I’m a former 4.0 student who never had to study to get perfect scores when I was young and used to judge people for using some of these strategies. As my course load increases, I learn to value them more and more. Remember, the student who looks like a dork but gets perfect scores is having way more fun than the cool asshole who’s failing. Get a new piercing if you need to look cool, but study hard either way.

TIP 1

Utilize color psychology. There’s no need to make it complicated. The only tip from this article I’ve tried so far is to write in blue ink rather than black ink, and it works. It actually does boost concentration and retention.

TIP 2

Take advantage of aromatherapy. I know this sounds crazy. Buy or make a diffuser necklace and drop lavender and/or rosemary essential oil into it every morning. It will look like a fucking wizard amulet, so if that’s not your vibe, just wear it under your shirt. It needs to be in contact with your skin for proper heat transfer anyway. Aromatherapy positively affects mood, EEG patterns of alertness and math computations. Dig through the research if you want, but it will be faster and easier to just give this one a try. I’ve found rosemary oil in a diffuser necklace relieves headaches, helps me concentrate, and as a neat bonus, keeps mosquitos away.

TIP 3 

Take some brain vitamins. Sounds like I’m selling snake oil, but if you’re suspicious, consider that I’m not making any money off this. This is what I use, and because it is way too expensive, I take a sale sticker off an item of similar weight, place it over the bar code, and go through the self checkout line at a local grocer who carries it. I paid $3.99 for my last bottle and my food stamps covered it because it rang up as discounted almonds. I noticed quicker concept acquisition as soon as I started taking it which was sustained as long as I was on it, disappeared as soon as I stopped taking it, and reappeared when I started taking it again. It could be a placebo affect, but I don’t care as long as it works.

TIP 4

Medically induce relaxation if it doesn’t come naturally to you. You can’t learn very well if your body thinks you’re going to need to run from lions any second now. The first two weeks of this term were hell on my nerves, and I got really behind in all my classes because I got such intense anxiety whenever I sat down to study. For those of you with diagnosed anxiety disorders reading this, yes, I do understand what anxiety feels like -- in high school I had an eating disorder and such severe anxiety surrounding food that I could not swallow food if someone was looking at me, and if I tried to eat where people could see me my hands would shake so hard that my food would fall off my fork before I got it to my mouth. I know what anxiety feels like. I’m not bullshitting you. Anyway, these overpriced chocolates they sell at Whole Foods contain L-theanine, magnesium, and chamomile. You could probably find just about any supplement with the above ingredients and it would work, this is just the one I’ve been using lately. It takes the edge off. If you’re rolling in money, see a naturopath or head to an IV lounge for a magnesium push, but be aware that’s going to produce a very pronounced effect. Last time I had a magnesium push I fell asleep immediately and did not move until morning (no, I did not sleep on the exam table, I did it myself at home). I also really like MetaRelax but it’s expensive. These lavender oil pills work too, but they will make you burp and all your burps will smell like lavender.

All these things in combination have helped me go from feeling insane to feeling in-control and capable when it comes to keeping up and getting good scores in my classes. If I run across anything else that works well for me, I’ll be sure to share that as well.

#studyblr #study #college #studying #learning

[bluemojave]

WIP…Saturday?

i procrastinated posting this but i’m finally writing again, lmao! shout out to @adelaidedrubman and @aceghosts for getting me off my ass and writing :p i have a few snippets for you, the first one is from a chapter that will be in Valentine’s fic but probably not as the next chapter, it was just smth i had an idea for. and, the second snippet is from Hawthorne’s- enjoy :p

also these are both generally NSFW for different reasons so minors dni!!

From Chapter ??? of The Hanged Man

TW: NSFW references

I say I want you and you split my legs open like scissors through paper. I say I want you and you wrap your hands around my throat. I say I want you and you dig your nails into my skin, as if to pry me open and claw your way out.

It makes me wonder whether you’d leave me if you could.

Is it selfish of me to be happy you can’t? To know that you’re trapped inside me and relish the feeling of every headache, every electric twinge as you shift and stretch inside my brain?

I guess I don’t really care.

Electricity dances in the air around him, making the merc’s arm hair stand up.

The only way I know how to love is to be the victim of yours. To count the bruises you leave on my neck like badges of honor. To lay alone long after you’ve crawled back inside my head, covered in sweat and cum, panting.

But I want more.

The headache comes next- splitting and sharp like a knife stuck between his temples, causing the pen to slip out of his hands onto the floor. The merc finds himself doubling over, skin prickling as if needles were being jabbed into his skin.

I want. I want. I want.

Chapter Three of Born-Again: “Faith”

TW: Drugs (unavoidable w/ Faith lol). References towards disordered eating, self-harm.

The bliss was a particularly fascinating aspect of the Henbane region for Rei. The drug was inescapable, omnipresent in every inhale, every blade of grass, spreading and multiplying in every cell of your body like a cancer. The first time she felt it, it reminded her of her childhood.

Laying in the hospital bed with a feeding tube fed through their nose, making her mouth taste like snot and bile and her throat burn. The bandages wrapped around their forearms and throat felt like they dug into her skin, a dull ache reminding her of her shame; of her failure.

It was so cold, the thin blankets draped over their frame far too thin to warm them. The chill had long sunk into their bones, icing their veins with a freezing touch that only seemed to go away when the fire of hunger pangs lapped at her stomach, or at the sudden flush or warmth when the razor blade cut through her skin. Their unfocused eyes shifted to fixate on the nurse next to them, watching with interest as he carefully inserted an IV into her hand.

“Oh.”

The relief was immediate, and seductive, and thick. Hawthorne wasn’t cold, or hungry, or in pain anymore. She wasn’t anything. For once, their mind was quiet— calm, even. Warmth flooded their sunken cheeks as they met eyes with their caretaker.

He looks concerned, but any anxiety that might have caused Rei before was washed away by the sickly-sweet tide of morphine coming in. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”

“This is amazing. You should give this to everyone.”

The bliss was like that, too. No wonder Rachel Jessop and so many other young women before her had lost themselves in it. But by now, Dr. Hawthorne had found escapes much more preferable; ones more…visceral, and real.

#teehee #excited about writing again! thank GOD #hope y’all enjoy #my writing #oc: valentine #my post #tag meme #far cry 5 fanfiction #far cry 5 fic #cp2077 fic #cyberpunk 2077 fanfiction #oc: rei hawthorne

[just-another-with-bee-pd]

May 31/22------TW

I really don't think I could feel anymore alone. Its the only feeling that around right now...Its eating me alive.  The only thing I want to do anymore is die. I have no will to keep living. My fiancé thinks she's perfect and im consistently in the wrong because im the one with mental health and thats not how this works. She doesn't realize when she starts the fights, when she just won't shut up, when she screams at me for making “little comments” but then does the same thing and isn't in the wrong. 

I consistently live in a mind state of numbness. I don't feel anymore. Unless its hurt. Its all hurt. I can only pretend to be happy for so long before I crack..More and more im losing touch with reality it seems. More and more I want to just give up, more and more I don't want to alive. 

A consistent feeling of wanting to die is never a way to live.  I want to be normal. It almost baffles me when I remember that there are people out there that don't have a mental illness. It hurts everyday to wake up. Sometimes I wish I didn't. But the fear of death sends me into panic attacks almost daily...Im not afraid to die, Im Petrified of what comes after...the unknown...  But lets not start that because I can't feel my chest getting tight already..

Ive seen in recent news reports that they are now adding mental illnesses to the list of people of can have medically assisted death in Canada. Its a thought on my mind daily. Ive had to just out on a happy face and tell everyone ive stopped thinking of it because some get sad, some get angry, and some just don't seem to care or react the way you would assume they would.  I feel like such a burden to my fiance because I don't work because my mental health is fucking shot. All I do is sit around all day practically because I just can't function. I feel like such burden to my mom. Yes, she picked me, took me in, “bandaged me up”, and loves me to pieces(well I think she does), but she didn't sign up for being my “favourite person”, she didn't sign up for the 4 am texts about me wanting to die, she didn't sign up for putting her whole heart into someone, making me her daughter, to then watch me fade away. 

So everyday, I put on a smile, some days I just can't, but most days I can figure it out, to hide how much I want to just give up, to cover how tired I am...how deadly this disorder really is. People who do not have it, won't ever fully understand what its like to live with it... I wish just for a day, my family could see what its like, maybe then they'll understand me better, maybe then they'll realize im not doing this because im lazy or seeking attention..maybe then, I could be just understood...

This disease is what's going to kill me. If its not myself, It will be my unbalanced brain.. 

BPD-Borderline Personality Disorder Is Deadly...( Patients with borderline personality disorder (BPD) are at high risk for early death from suicide ) 

This disease is one that can't be cured, one that won't go away, one you can't fix with medicine...One you have it. Its a long road of unknown, emotional trauma. 

I don't want to die. I don't want to lose my family... I want the pain to stop. The suffering to just...stop.

#borderline feels #borderline thoughts #living with borderline #actually borderline #borderline blog #bpd feels #bpd favorite person #bpd problems #bpd splitting

[transboysokka]

How did that relationship with a mutual end?

okay sooo SUPER sorry if they end up finding this (they wont but still) and also im sure they NEVER think about it anymore but like i said this is tragically the only relationship i was in and i was SUPER in love lol

idk how much of this i shared before but im just gonna be super honest about it even if it makes me sound really bad but i was like... 21 at the time? lol

but here's the drama (be careful, it gets a little triggery with like. consent and stuff)

So I fell fast and hard in love, right. High school and college were SUPER rough for me so I think I was just glad to get attention from ANYONE even if it wasnt gonna be a perfect fit???

distance is never easy. from the getgo we lived like 5? hours away from each other and i was the only one driving (way too often) to go see them. i went like every weekend even though i had classes and homework and exams and stuff. My friends were telling me I was so dumb and I was like nooooo it's fine

ALSO okay so they were like in the middle of recovering from a major eating disorder and my friends were also like "hey this is like a bad time for you both to be doing a relationship then?" and i was like NAHHHHHH but also they were super private about it and it like never came up AT ALL and so

their dad made them move home like a month into our relationship so they could continue their recovery (totally fine and normal move right??) but i was like THE INJUSTICE OF IT ALL and so i used a credit card to buy them a flight back over to spend a weekend with me ooooof

even then like there were some issues like it was the first time my friends met them and they were all "nah this sucks" and they were like super disrespectful to my friends and i just laughed it off

this is also the first time consent issues came into play like we LOVED making out lolllll but tbh it was all i was even interested in bc the medication ive been on my whole life kills my libido (this is WAY TMI IM SO SORRY) BUT we were messing around and they decided to give me a huge visible hickey in a place i had sAID i was totally uncool with

but it was totally fine right? because i loved them lollllllll

things were already also kind of weird here bc i was like "uh i think im a boy actually would u still love me" and they were like "i think im a girl actually but also a lesbian" and then we jUST KEPT MAKING OUT????

also they like... made me introduce them to my family??? when i was totally not ready for that and while we both IDed as nonbinary we definitely came across as a lesbian couple which i was NOT prepared to deal with my family about

i introduced them as a friend but they were super touchy and clingy and possessive and my mom was like 'oh so you're dating' and it was actually the worst most embarrassing thing ever

okay i know this is getting long but anyway they went back home again and heres where it gets REALLY spicy

im planning to present at this conference with my mom in another city and it's kind of a huge deal for us. i get a call from [ex] that their dad is going to [I don't remember the word for it but it's when you can legally send someone to a psych hospital against their will because it's for their own good] and MY DUMB ASS was like IT'S OKAY IM GOING TO BUY ANOTHER FLIGHT TO GET YOU OUT OF THE STATE AND COME HERE TO MY CONFERENCE

so lol that happened

we got a hotel that night! uhhhhhhh more MAJOR CONSENT ISSUES and tbh we're both at fault because i could have done a MUCH better job communicating what i was feeling but yeah basically Trauma happened to me

OKAY HERES THE KICKER. I THEN DRIVE THEM SIX HOURS TO ANOTHER CITY to fly out bc that's where they wanted to fly out from????

we said our 'i love you's and 'bye's

they called me THAT NIGHT and said 'hey lets take a break' and i NEVER HEARD FROM THEM AGAIN LMAOOOO

like was that probably the best thing for both of us YEAH but BOY i cried for days and i knew it was because of the sex lolllllll ANYWAY SO THERES THAT STORY

#quesTian #tian talks #WARNING this one is a WILD RIDE

[yourdogwalkerhasanonlyfans]

pt. 2

story continues in the spring of 2016. i was completely reeling from a miserable existence. things were going pretty badly in all areas of my life: at work, in my romantic life, and with my personal health. i got out of one of the most horrifying relationships of my young life and felt so free for the first time that i went on Tinder, which lead to all sorts of debauchery. simultaneously i was planning to meet up with some friends to have my first MFF threesome (i guess i should talk about my first ever threesome which was MMF sometime).

i was also royally fucking up my financial situation by maxing out any credit card that i could get my hands on. pretty much all the things that someone does who is spiraling .. i was doing them.

over easter holiday i booked a super nice hotel room with a jacuzzi (that i could not afford) for a few nights and invited someone from Tinder one night, had that threesome with friends one of the nights, and had just a platonic friend who was driving through town come by for a night. i think i was alone maybe one night. i know i spent a huge amount of money on credit cards, ordering room service, being high and drunk the whole time, just really checking out from life.

not long after that bender, on mother's day evening, exactly one year after i graduated from college, i got into a fight with the guy i was sleeping with / mostly living with at the time (who i met on Tinder). we had been drinking all day at his family's house, then we smoked a bunch, then kept drinking which was usually a pretty good setup for me to blackout. remember - at this time i am also on a heavy dose of psych meds + struggling with an eating disorder; might have weighed 90 pounds at most. so it's 2 or 3AM, there's me, him, his two pit bulls, and my siamese cat. at his apartment, which is located above his family's business (a porn shop). i was a complete mess. screaming and fighting and acting physically violent. i locked myself in his bathroom, poured a bunch of my Klonopin out into my hand, looked at myself in the mirror, and took the pills. i probably peed, then lit a cigarette, and went back out to the couch where he was sitting. i guess i doubt he was just sitting there - i'm sure he was following me around and trying to get me to tell him what i did while i was in the bathroom. either way, i know i was still actively drinking a beer when i told him that i took a bunch of pills. he was clearly not happy about that confession. i was probably starting to fall asleep at this point. all i really know is that he was probably all pissed off, because he didn't want to call an ambulance and attract attention, which forced him to drive me in his work van to the ER. in the shuffle of us being extremely intoxicated & fighting we had misplaced the keys to my car. which in hindsight was actually probably a good thing that we couldn't find my keys because i know before i took the handful of pills i had been trying to leave his house and drive away because it was that unbearable to be there - i would have probably died and/or hurt other people if i had gotten behind the wheel that night.

i wasn't driving, however, my very drunk and high boyfriend did have to drive the somewhat short distance to the closest ER. i literally fell out of his van onto the pavement when i opened the door, which i had many bruises from & confirmed happened, due to my lack of memories. i guess i was rude and belligerent to the ER staff. my BAC was 0.2 and i had an alarming amount of THC & benzodiazepines in my system. i think i had also been taking some pain killers here & there. either way, i was basically a zombie of a human. they flushed my system with charcoal because too much time had passed since taking the "handful" of pills to pump my stomach. i'm sure that i was considered borderline emaciated, as well.

i woke up around 1PM on that Monday with IVs in both my ankles & both hands. i was severely dehydrated in addition to needing to be detoxed. i was alone in a room. i could see the nurse's stand outside the door and started yelling for someone to come help me because i didn't know what was going on. no one was paying any attention to me and i was frustrated. i started banging my arm against the bedrail. someone eventually came in to tell me that my sister was on the phone, which was very confusing to me because i didn't even know where i was.

my sister told me that my friend had contacted my boyfriend on facebook after she received a really concerning voicemail from me the previous night. i, of course, have no recollection of this, but when i arrived to the ER and they said they had to admit me, i made two correspondences. i emailed my boss and told him i wasn't going to be at work due to "hospitalization for dehydration." then i called my friend and left her a voicemail telling her a similar story. apparently i told her that "[boyfriend] had taken me to the hospital but that i am okay." so my friend wakes up, gets that voicemail, gives me some time to get back to her, when i don't respond she panics a little and starts looking on facebook for the boyfriend. once she got in touch with him, he told her where i was, and that he left because he had to go to work, and didn't know how to get in touch with any of my friends or family. my friend then contacted my sister, who i guess after calling the hospital and confirming that i was indeed there, she left work & called my mom, telling her to prepare herself to be picked up because they had to go see me in the hospital. i guess it was a simple and not-too-surprising phone call for my mother to be receiving. everyone kinda knew what it was about.

my sister said on the phone to me that her and my mom were coming to see me .. not to pick me up. which was confusing for me to hear. not sure the exact order of events, but eventually a case worker came into my room and explained to me that i was at risk of hurting myself and the hospital couldn't release me to my family. they explained that i would be moved to another hospital & put on a 72-hour psychiatric hold. they said i would be able to talk to someone there about being released after a few days. they said i could either do this voluntarily, which was highly recommended and positioned as the best choice, or else the hospital would have to involuntarily commit me, which sounds pretty much as bad as it is. if committed involuntarily, it means you can be held at the psych hospital for much longer, as you'd have to appear in front of a group of case workers and essentially explain why you think you know better than doctors and other medical professionals. people who recently overdose aren't usually thought to be able to make smarter decisions than doctors, which means the appeal is 99% of the time denied, causing the patient to be scrutinized even closer, and as i said, held at the hospital for "liability reasons" for even longer than if you had just gone of your own volition. long explanation shortened: if you admit you have a problem and need help, go get the help, show people (/make them believe) that you want to continue to get better, then they will let you go out into the wild again. play the game and do what they tell you to do and it'll be over way faster than if you fight it.

as i reflect on this and write about it now, these words come to me easily. they make sense to me, as i exist now. of course i needed to go somewhere for treatment. but at the time it felt very confusing. i was not aware of these types of protocols. i really genuinely did not understand why my family was coming, but i wasn't going home with them. even though i was thoroughly confused, i signed the form to voluntarily commit myself.

it took a while but eventually they found a bed for me at a psych hospital. they said i'd have to be transported on a stretcher via ambulance, for liability reasons, but that my sister could ride with us, with my mother following behind in her vehicle. it took at least 30 minutes to get to this other facility, and it was getting dark outside, if not dark already. i remember joking around a lot while in the ambulance .. i always make jokes when uncomfortable or in tense situations. good ol' defense mechanism. i was encouraged when the EMT person told me that the facility i was going to allowed smoking cigarettes (this was not true).

we arrived to the psych hospital, and i remember when they were wheeling me inside an elevator, still on the stretcher, someone made a comment to my mother about ".. she is quite thin, isn't she .." this fuzzy memory is something i won't ever forget. my mother solemnly nodding, as if she hadn't really really noticed how bad i had gotten until i was laying down on a stretcher with sharp cheekbones, dark sunken eyes, chapped lips, protruding collarbones, bruised arms, & hip bones poking out from under a thin hospital gown & even thinner hospital blanket. i guess some things are easier for complete strangers to see.

my experience while at the psych hospital is something that will take up a lot of my time & mental energy, so i will continue with that next.

if you read this, thanks for your time.

#eating disoder trigger warning #mental health crisis trigger warning #addiction trigger warning #overdose mention #struggle #smoking #addiction #hospitalization #life story

[whumpinaheartbeat]

Rest My Little One, For You Are Loved

This fic contains conversations of self harm through neglect and disordered eating, please read with discretion.

In the rush of everything else, there was a problem that nobody had considered. 

In fact, it hadn’t really been a problem because Al’s body was so weak from being held at the Gate of Truth for so long that he spent the first few days sleeping through most of the day, only being able to greet one or two well wishers and maybe being coaxed to try to drink a little water before his consciousness drifted off and he fell into a dreamless sleep.

Edward barely left his side of course but Riza was keeping her eye on Ed also, knowing full well just how much he had been through recently. While Ed had been medically cleared with the caveat that he keep his newly reformed arm in a sling until he was strong enough to get the bolts removed, the sling was currently nowhere to be seen as he used both arms to properly retell a story.

Al was sitting upright, he had been gradually regaining his strength too, but there were stacked pillows behind him just in case he needed them. His arms, real flesh arms, were mottled with bruises from all the blood tests and IV’s, the latest of which was already developing around the newest tube that was giving him much needed hydration. 

It had been a few weeks since the Promised Day but Alphonse was still making up for years of depending on Edward’s nutrition and sleep schedule, things that were famously horrendous, so he was no where near being discharged like Ed and Riza had been fully aware of Al’s growing frustration. The joy of simply being alive, of being in his real body, was slowly waning as the reality of years of physical therapy and probably chronic pain and exhaustion was starting to set in.

It was only a matter of time before that frustration overwhelmed the sweet boy, he had already done so well for so long.

Riza should have expected it then, the culminated meltdown that had been brewing for weeks now. Yet when Al yelled so loudly, so suddenly, she found herself reaching for her gun all the same, her mind screaming that she was in danger. Edward had flinched back also, hands already pressed together as if to transmute despite no longer having Alchemy while Roy raised his hand, ready to change the composition of the air.

Roy dropped his hand first, the guilt clear on his face, but Ed rushed to Al first, an apology already on his lips.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” Al snapped. 

Ed stilted, his eyes wide, but he kept his distance all the same. 

Riza settled her own racing heart first, forcing herself to stand slowly as to not spook anyone in the room. 

“Colonel,” She said. “I believe that Garcia and Elicia were waiting for you at the cafeteria. How about you take Edward with you?”

“What?” Ed whipped around to her. “No way, I’m gonna stay with Al.”

Riza met his eyes. She offered a smile, trying to convey that Alphonse would be safe with her. Ed clenched and unclenched his fists, warring with himself, until he twisted on his heel and stormed towards the door.

“You coming Colonel Idiot?” Ed demanded.

“I was giving your little legs some time to get ahead.” Roy said tightly, eyes still locked on Al as he made towards the door.

Riza waited for the both of them to disappear down the hallway, their voices still being heard as they bickered, before she twisted towards Alphonse.

The anger had drained from him just as quickly as it had risen up but Riza knew that it was deeper than just annoyance at Ed’s exaggerated story.

“Do you want to tell me what that was about?” Riza asked.

She kept her tone even, non judging but also not giving him a chance to deflect. Al did not look at her, more likely could not look, gaze focused on picking at the threads of the blanket. Riza did not repeat her question, Alphonse had heard her. 

Al would speak when he was ready; he always did. He could be stubborn of course, taking a while before he allowed himself to be vulnerable, but Riza knew that she herself was much the same and if she was being honest she also knew that her stubbornness streak was stronger. 

At least, she had thought it was but maybe the last few weeks and nearly dying more times than she could count had lessened her tolerance for waiting. Maybe she had to be the one to bring it up herself, if only to get Al talking. Riza gave him another few moments to respond but Al just kept messing with the blanket.

“I know you haven’t been sleeping.”

Al jolted, golden eyes at last snapping to her. Like she had suspected, the boy had genuinely believed that he had fooled everyone by simply closing his eyes and giving off the occasional snore. Roy had been fooled totally, at least that’s what Riza chose to believe, out of sheer desperation for everything to be okay. With Edward being as smart as he was he probably knew full well that Al had been faking rest for the last several days but he too was just a kid who wanted to pretend at least for a little while that everything was okay.

Riza did not mind being the one to confront Al, coming from her would be better than coming from a Doctor or somebody else, she only wished that she didn’t have to.

“Sweetheart,” Riza sighed. “You can’t stay awake forever.”

“But…” Al’s voice cracked. He went back to the thread, if only to keep himself focused. “But I was awake. For years.”

“I can’t pretend to know what that was like.” She said. “No one can. But I also can’t pretend to not know that you’re hurting yourself.”

“I’m not hurting myself.” Al said quickly.

“When was the last time you slept? Fully, totally slept and not just passed out from exhaustion?”

Alphonse returned to picking at the thread. 

“Al…”

“I don’t need your pity.” Al snapped. 

The boy ducked his head, tired eyes watering. He mumbled an apology but Riza assured him that it was okay. 

Riza came over, sitting on the edge of the bed. It wouldn’t help accusing him, not when he was probably very much aware of what he was doing. She should appeal to his scientific mind instead.

“You know how the human body works.” Riza said. “What does it need?”

“Nutrients.” He mumbled. “A combination of carbohydrates, fibres, proteins, vitamins and minerals. And water.”

Al shifted uncomfortably, glancing at the IV in his arm. He looked away just as quickly again, looking a little ill. 

“But I can’t tolerate food yet.” He said. “I… I can’t eat Gracia’s pie.”

“Your list.” Riza said. 

Al nodded, his lip trembling. He lent over, nearly overbalancing, but Riza let him do it by himself if only to prove to him that he could. Al’s hand at last found the notebook from his travels but when he tried to lift it, it fell. 

“Fuck!” Al growled. Then, just as quickly, his scowl dropped into pure misery. “I’m sorry.”

“There’s not a word that I have not heard before,” Riza said lightly. “You should have seen Breda when he came back to the office to a bunch of puppies. Now that was impressive.”

“Mom always said not to swear.” Al said. “At least… I think she said that. I don’t really remember.”

“Doesn’t Izumi swear?” Riza asked. 

Alphonse laughed then, a real genuine laugh, and Riza felt her heart soar if only for a moment. 

“Like a sailor.” He said. “But she would always make us train harder if we swore. Something about not needing impolite kids who depend on curses to get their message across. It’s why I like to get creative.”

It was so strange to see Al’s expression change so overtly, the way his lip twitched up into a smile and his golden eyes sparked with the cheekiness of a young teenager. Riza had grown used to Alphonse as a seven foot suit of armour but she had never seen him not as who he really was, she had simply gotten used to reading his body language more than his non-changing expression. 

Al’s shoulders moved just as often as they used to be and Riza found that she liked that familiar gesture.

She leaned down, grabbing the journal from the ground and passing it to Al. He flicked through it, his gaze shifting between excitement and frustration with each page. He had always looked forward to trying all those foods yet even with his real body he was still unable to eat any of them without getting incredibly sick from them. As much as Riza knew he would be frustrated, she could not even imagine what it was actually like for him.

Now that the tension in Al’s shoulders had eased a little again, Riza tried to guide the conversation back to what it was needing to be.

“Okay,” She said. “You have your nutrients through IV’s and feeding tubes but you are working towards real food. What else does a human body need?"

“Appropriate levels of sleep.” Al grumbled.

“Which is?” 

“It’s not like I don’t know that I need sleep.” Alphonse said hotly. “Of course I know I need it.”

Riza stayed silent, giving Al a moment to decide what he wanted to say next. He could deflect, change the topic back to food or even back to curse words or any number of things. But Al wasn’t just physically exhausted, he was emotionally exhausted too.

“I did try.” Al whispered. “At first. But I just kept seeing it.”

“The Gate?” 

Al jolted again, hissing when he pulled at his IV. A hand rushing to his arm, thankfully not having displaced the tube, Alphonse looked right at her.

“How did you know?” He asked, no, demanded.

Riza tried not to balk under his intense stare. She reminded herself that he was easily overwhelmed right now, Al simply could not control his reactions. 

“The Colonel sees it too.” Riza said. 

Al’s face dropped, that look of misery back.

“Of course, he doesn’t want you boys to know but he sees it. Every night.” Riza’s hand raised to her throat. “I do too.”

They lapsed into silence for a long moment, neither one willing to break it.

“I was scared.” Al said at last. “I would have done anything to keep Ed safe but… I was scared. That I was going to die.”

“You were just a boy.” Riza said. “You still are.”

Alphonse shook his head and if Riza could hug him without risking him getting overstimulated again, she would have. Riza settled for resting a hand onto his own, not looking at the page on Apple Pie in his journal. 

“I keep thinking it will take me back.” Al said. “That this has all just been some dream, that I never actually got my real body back.”

“I know that it doesn’t count for much,” Riza said. “But this is real. You are safe. You are loved.”

“It counts for a lot.” Al said. “Coming from you… It’s everything.”

“You know that I’ll always be here for you Alphonse. Whatever you need.” Riza promised him, squeezing his hand tightly.

That look of cheekiness was back, that quirked brow and twitching lip and Riza had to train her own expression to be neutral.

“Including making me get sleep?”

“Absolutely.” Riza said. “If you need a brick, I’m sure there’s space in the Colonel’s budget for it.”

Another laugh. Pure, unadulterated, laughter. Even Al’s laugh was different to what it had been like in the suit yet at the same time it was the exact same. His shoulders still shook, he still tilted his head a little. 

The boy before her was the same as he had ever been. Alphonse simply had a smile now, a smile that Riza would treasure for all eternity. 

When Roy came back a while later, carrying a coffee for his Hawkeye, he found Riza laying down beside Al. The boy curled up against her chest but even if Roy could not see them he knew that Al’s eyes were closed. 

He was asleep, truely asleep, in the first time in who knows when, and Roy could not be prouder.

It was going to take time but maybe everything was going to be okay after all.

#my writing #fanfiction #ao3 link #whump #under 18 whump #febuwhump2023 #febuwhumpday18 #Fullmetal Alchemist #Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood #Alphonse Elric whump #disordered eating #self harm

[vviciously]

i think i like truly came to God today bcos i realise i had withheld parts of me id tried to keep some of my control and its the same with recovering from an eating disorder like you dont fully recover theres a part of it still fighting for control just not how it was when u were in the depths of it and the only reason i could stop withholding the parts of me i were was to realise the fear of persecution for the name of Jesus was really the fear of persecution alone but my flesh and heart may fail but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever, he has held me by my right hand, there are so many more verses where he says I am with you and I will not forsake you and I think back to the early christians, and they died alongside their brothers and sisters in Christ in horrible horrible ways but this fear of dying alone Ive always had I finally realised I do not die alone I die alongside Christ or alongside other believers, I couldnt submit because I was scared to where God will lead me but I know He can only take me home and hold my hand in doing so. i took communion today I said i want to be His, fully His, not just dipping the toe in like I have been. Ive been praying He would let me come to Him, He would reveal Himself to me for so long and i Truly feel my life is to change now