#ive had some time to come to terms with it

[atticustimestwo]

do you mind sharing a bit more about your analysis of heart,,,

i'd love to!! (i assume this is about the heart critique piece i did a few months ago, but please correct me if im wrong!)

in terms of the "a critique on the treatment of hearts characterization" piece, i wanted to visually explore some frustrations i have had with how the fanbase seems to fall into some unfortunate patterns when it comes to hearts character.

frequently, i see heart infantilized - this either comes across as him being a kicked dog unable to help himself because he is too weak, a baby angel who did nothing wrong, or a feral gremlin child. i think flattening his character down to any/all of these is, for lack of a better word, a bit problematic?

; one reason being it just defeats the idea of emotions being a visceral, intense thing. heart is meant to represent emotion in its purest form; i feel woobifying him takes away from that concept because it shows having emotions as being inherently weaker or less mature. i think a lot of people kinda forget HMS aren't just tv show characters. they represent greater concepts that near everyone feels and feels uniquely - theyre more sensitive than your typical character. thats not saying treating them as characters is bad! everyone relates to them differently because they are so personal, they make them their own and i think thats really awesome!! ; but boiling them down to these really generic tropes and making heart a baby kinda defeats the idea that emotions are a real, visceral, multifaceted concept. ; another reason i think it can be problematic is that it sometimes unintentionally comes across really ableist? a lot of these 'fandom-y' tropes are already rooted in ableism in some way, which is bad on its own, but theres also the important addition that heart is frequently portrayed as blind.

ive seen people time and time again fall into stereotypes with heart that his blindness makes him weak/helpless/childish. truthfully I dont think people do this intentionally, but its still internalized ableism showing up. i recognize that a lot of the people who woobify heart tend to be on the younger side, so they dont really recognize that theyre flattening him down like that- not out of malicious ignorance, but because theyre kids who havent really had the life experience yet to grasp the full concepts of the album or realize they might be implying harmful stereotypes; that doesn't necessarily mean its okay, but i think its just them being uneducated cause theyre kids and they have yet to learn that stuff. ; all that being said, im not trying to police people on how they portray characters. im not any authority on this fandom/album by any means imaginable - im just a fan like everyone else here! like i said before, characterizing HMS is not inherently a bad thing at all ! its fun, and its what this fanbase is built on in the first place! its so great that everyone can interpret and relate to HMS so personally, i think chonny really hit it off with the concept for the album and the execution is stellar! seeing all the fanart and different interpretations of it and the characters is such a beautiful thing, no matter if its joking, lighthearted, or deep! ; at the end of the day, theres no wrong way to interpret this album, and theres no wrong way to characterize heart. more than anything that critique piece was built up frustration turned to a call to action for people to stop and think deeply for a moment about how they portray heart - to open eyes if someone might be unknowingly flattening or adding problematic ideas to their characterizations. and to just be mindful of that going forward! 💜 

#cj heart #chonnys charming chaos compendium #cccc

[en-chi-la-da]

general animal death talk below

last night my dog sissy finally passed away

when i say finally i don't mean it like "god FINALLY i've been WAITING for her to GO already", i mean it like, i've been expecting it. "she's a tiny elder dog so i shouldn't be surprised when it happens", it's happening > it happened > time goes on. she's lived a long life, a solid 21 years (her birthday is in january) which was way longer than i was expecting her to go to be honest (although it is the estimated lifespan for the chihuahua breed WHATEVER) she was a strong little geezer. never broke a bone, rarely got sick, it felt like she was indestructible, looking back on it all.

unfortunately, she did get sick once again, so it actually wasn't from her old age catching up to her (again, that's what i expected to happen). she became lethargic and weak, very hot, was not eating/drinking or getting up to use the bathroom, when she did it was only to pee, and lots of sleeping. when we got her checked out she was dehydrated, ran over 103-degree F fever, and they told us that after an ultrasound they had found some cysts that had developed in her lower body (her digestive tract i believe). they said her body was trying to fight off an infection, most likely from the cysts, but they couldn't tell if they were cancerous or not or if one of them had popped or something. in the end, she wasn't looking good.

long term, we would've had to pay for numerous tests and surgeries for them to figure out what exactly was affecting her and try to treat her, although with her current state and how old she was, the vet estimated that most likely, her body wouldn't be able to handle all of that. short term, the quality of life route, we administer painkillers for a predetermined amount of time until she passes on her own or we run out. or, euthanization right there in the clinic. i saw no point in the medicine, why try to keep her around, just so we could watch her continue to suffer in her own bed? so she could keep not drinking or eating? so the infection could keep spreading? so i could end up one day coming home to find her dead body? horrible and ugly and the last thing i want to remember her by.

it felt like the best course of action, all things considered. she gets to pass painlessly, and i get to say goodbye and hold her in my arms one last time. honestly, i hadn't even started crying until it was over. when i felt her stop breathing and the vet confirmed that her heart had stopped. sure, at this point i had already accepted the fact that she was dying, there's not much we could do about it without hurting her more, it's the cycle of life, it was her time to go, i knew it was going to happen eventually - still, despite everything i was telling myself, to just get through it, for her sake - all my feelings in that moment still hit me like a truck. never before had she felt so small.

her life and her death will remain with me for the rest of mine, and i can only hope to see her again one day, but not for a long, long time.

i'm okay now, for the moment. honestly, ive just been rewatching all the videos i have of her, continuing to think of her and remembering her life with me. all that's left is to let the grieving process pass, i suppose. this is the last pic i got of sissy - this was from only a day before she started getting sick, can you believe that? i have others of her obviously, but this one i'm more comfortable with sharing.

on 4-15-2024 i said goodbye to the strongest chihuahua i've ever known and had the pleasure of raising 💖 may she rest in peace! :')

[immamapletreekid]

instead of grinding for finals i lost hours to a one piece wiki spiral

#IT ALL STARTED...WITH CP9S INDEPENDENT REPORT #in the most predictable fashion. ive yet again fallen for the “dangerous murder bot villains are actually a found family and genuinely care #for one another“ #PLSSS THE WAY THEY ALL WORKED SO HARD TO EARN THE MONEY TO TREAT LUCCI #thinking so hard about how they are one collecfive unit. they move together they work travel live thrive together #giggled so hard at kaku giraffe slide #SOEAKING OF WHICH I JUST LEARNED KAKU IS THE YOUNGEST OUT OF CP9 #HE WAS 18 WHEN THEY PLANTED HIM AND THE OTHERS IN WATER 7 #im not ok im ripping my pillow to shreds punchjng the wall screaming shaking good GOD DJFJ #KALIFAS DAD WAS IN THE PREV GEN OF CP9????? SO SHES RRALLY BEEN THERE THROUGH IT ALL #thinking about lucci and jabra and blueno trio... #yes i originally was devastated to discover my favourite shipwrifjts were actually undercover government assassins but like #the found family.....maybe not found family but FORGED FAMILY THEY MADE IT WORK #i still think it's so silly that. kaku is the youngest but hes second ij terms od power and he speaks like an old man #in my ideal world cp9 brutally murders spandam and they live their best lives after doijg whatever #attention span for stats and cs??? nonexistent #but yea sure i can spend 2 hours memorizing the key detaisl from the wiki entries of all cp9 agents and making a chart and timeline #maybe this is a sign...that i need to fix this before it causes bigger issues #rambling about stuff #wait omg no last thought is how when all the cp9 members reunite after 5 years and firsg thing they do is immediately check their doriki #and jabras upset by how both lucci ajd kakus are higher than his now but then u think about how hes the oldest in their group #heck five years ago when they were sent off to water 7 those two were 23 and FUCKIJG 18 YEARS OLD #OF COURSE HES UPSET THESE TWO FUCKING KIDS ARE STRONGEE THAN HIM #who holds seniority over them. im actually devastated and extremely entertained #the last time u see the youngest of your group hes some 18 year old kid you could best in a spar. maybe even leave some words of wisdom for #then he goes and leanrs how to build ships for 5 years and comes back stronger than u #they are a family to me... HE COULD HAVE ABANDONED TJEM?!?! THEM ALL HAD THE CHOICE OF LEAVING THE OTHERS BEHIND TO SAVE THEMSELVES #BUT THEY DIDNT. HE STILL GAVE KALIFA HIS SHIRT AND CARRIED KAKU ON HIS BACK ALL THE WAY TO ST POPLAR #biting my hands hitting the wall scratchijg the floors screaming shakijg not normal about these guys #THE WAY JABRA HAS A PET CHICKEN TO COUJTER HATTORI

[beeapocalypse]

trying to craft a funger oc like aughhhh i can see him i can picture him in my head right now [image of the most off putting little man possible]

#he does not have a name yet but he DOES have a vague concept. author from the eastern union who got drafted into the military and-- #--met another guy during the 1 week he had b4 getting shipped out to basic training. they immediately develop a WAY intense relationship-- #--and constantly send letters to each other. author is a total chickenshit and comes to cope w the violence of war thru-- #--alcoholism and a complete retreat into his obsession w the other man. gets a couple wires crossed and has his lust morph into more + more #--violent fantasies that the other man plays along w bc its Fun+Wild (at its core its the authors desire for CONTROL. if hes the one-- #--bringing the pain then hes safe. even better if its with the single person in existence he feels like he can trust during that-- #--period of time). manages to live throughout the rest of the war and rushes back to his lover. spends a slowly degrading week w him where- #--the man comes to realize what he thought of as simple metaphor+exaggeration was TRUE desire from the author + the author flounders-- #--without the then expected+familiar terror day in and day out. culminates in the man demanding the author leave and never try to contact-- #--him again (saying their romance was wild and exciting and unlike anything hed ever experienced but the only good way it couldve ended-- #--was if the author died out on the front and forever left him Wanting without the actual reality of those desires realized) and the-- #--author either tries to shoot himself or the man (fails to do so. lol) b4 running off to the first train out of town. worlds messiest guy #ya it leans a bit into samarie territory but hes fun. his theoretical ending b would probably have smth to do w sylvian worship + marriages #even more vague idea for his moonscorched form is a sopping wet pathetic red wolf ('red wolf' being one of the mans terms of endearment-- #--thru their wartime love letters) w its legs tangled up in barbed wire so it has to drag itself around. red bc its incredibly-- #--thin skin (<-- do you get it .) splits and bleeds thru with every movement. a lot of whining and incoherent babbling as it hesitates to-- #--ACTUALLY attack anybody. should have some cock horror element but ive no ideas on that front LOL #skill ideas are persistence predator (more melee damage dealt the less mind hes got- a backstory choice where he focuses entirely on the-- #--love letters rather than splitting focus on his on-pause career with short stories) and an unnamed one playing into his terror/lust deal- #--where he gets a buff to either melee damage or speed when his phobia is active. want to come up with at least one more though #mmmaybe him being an author doesnt play that well into his concept as a whole but hes my strangeguy so whatever

[loverboybrightsideghost]

i really do love practicing 🎻

#i'm in music school so now it's a much more significant source of my already very significant fears #but practicing only feels stressful when i don't do it enough and i'm trying to 'catch up' #some weeks fly past me like hurricanes and i get to my lesson and i can't say i've made any progress and that fucks me up #and i don't think that's ever going away- like i'll always have weeks like that cuz everyone has bad days and bad weeks #from time to time #but when i plan correctly (which is becoming more and more the norm for me) my practicing is something im really proud of :) #i have a System. i didn't do very well before i had it and i would die without it now. #i get excited about learning! i get excited having realizations abt things to change or work on when i practice! #it feels experimenty a lot of the time and i like it!!! #i have a lot of catching up to do in terms of comparing myself to others but i'm not here for them i'm here for me #i will do my best and i will learn from others of course but my goals are to make my Me better first and worry abt other people later #i won't lose sight of that #<- and when it doesn't feel experimenty it can be calming to just be like okay ik what i need to do now just. Practice. Repeat. #i mean music is a fucking rollercoaster and sometimes you are at the bottom and i hate that but it comes w the territory #sometimes you're just Stuck but you do get past it and in those moments i just try to think back to previous times ive felt like that #ive felt horribly shitty before and gotten through it and come out the other side slightly better! #life is like that i think #anyways. hashtag iris loves music and being a musician 🙄 nothing new over here hehe

[junotter]

sometimes researching for avatar redesigns has you 6 layers deep into the Japan's Meiji era allies wiki

#im trying to mess with some of the stuff that feels weird about the ways the fire nation is depicted idk #like i do not feel optically it is good for like them to be so heavily based on japan's imperialist actions #while dressed in clothes that come from places japan colonized #but i dont want it to just be solely japanese though i did draw zuko and azula in hakama but its largely cause i wanted to draw hakama #and like the only place with strong japanese influence being kiyoshi island and my own frustration with the modern day samurai depiction #i think fundamentally it isnt a choice that had as much thought as i am putting in put into it but it does raise an eyebrow for me #anyway i think keeping the thai influence is fine despite the brief invasion japan had into thailand due to thailand then allying with japa #and further allying with the axis due to allying with japan #ugh and ive been told not to think this much about it because its fiction but its also fiction so so so heavily based on real places #and when you base fiction on real cultures you fall into some unintentional pitfalls #i also fucking hate the royal fire nation robes they look so meh and the most costumey out of everything in the show #they look like heavy blankets despite being a supposedly hot nation #theres ways to have heavy robes (heian era japan) but they look like i make them out of fleece and velvet blankets #back to kiyoshi island i think the really only aesthetically japanese reference in the show being an island of noble warriors is lame #plus over done #it feels like nowadays theres a lot of people who get all whiney about people saying fire nation is based off japan #but like dude the creators in the comics and korra like go even more into the japanese influence and clearly it was the original intentions #also i do think you could do some pretty interesting world building by having say there be an older cultural influence on kiyoshi island #from the fire nation especially if the place is established as a central port area then you tie in some okinawan or even hawaiian reference #and gives an explanation that makes sense to why kiyoshi stands out from the rest of the earth kingdom you have long term cultural trading #and it establishes interesting relationships even pre kiyoshi time thereby drawing back onto some real historic references #cause for awhile ryukyu china and japan used to be this trading triangle which could explain some of these various influences going on #i think you can get a really interesting harmony when you create the fire nation out of a mix of japan and thailand #i mean both have these floating buildings due to living on some pretty wet lands and theres harmony in that mix #god i did see one person go like “fire nation is more based on china because theres a lot of red and red is important in china” #my brother in christ red is also important in japan #red is important in like many many asian cultures #i mean of course a lot of that importance stems from china and cultural exchange with china but idk kinda silly to say with your whole ches #like if you want to bring china in then the dragons are the biggest thing like sure some mythos has dragons in japan #but a lot of those comes from china in some way

[dorkicon]

bitching abt homophobia n shit at my job in the tags o7 happy pride

#so i voluenteer at a library n work there through a 3rd party job center over the summer. ive volunteered there for like 5 yrs so i know -- #--the staff there p well #anyway yeah so like last year our pride display got taken down bc someone complained. our director didnt really contest this. #our pride display got taken down again. this time with the board threatening to cut funding if we put it back up. #no contesting yet again #its literally just the corner of a 3 sided display podium with some gay books or whatever #some guy comes in and tears up our lgbt author rec list. the director removes those as well #there r 2 bi clerks and one genderqueer clerk and me! the fag gopher and she still doesnt feel it pertinent 2 stick up for the ppl who-- #work there #or maybe she does right? like i want to believe she does bc ive known her for 5 maybe 6 actually years. ive gone to christmas-- #parties at her house. shes been someone i can count on before and yet here she is letting us all down #bc its not just me or the gay ppl who work there right its for the ppl in my shitty fucking southern town who have basic common decency #shes someone i thought was some kind of ally HAHAH...like that term feels lame but #.....yeah yknow? #she even said shed be moving picture books with gay parents and shit into a quote quote adult matters section into the juvenile section #i assume on request of the board bc obvs being trans or gay or whatever is of course an adult matter that will taint our beautiful little #tow headed bastards #we even had the guy who requested the pride display be taken down come in today and CHECK to make sure no faggy books were out #ive been very angry about it and i just need to ...spit it up somewhere. maybe a transformers blog isnt the best place for it but whatever. #sorry about my language lol. #shes my boss and its going to be a real issue for me bc she laughed saying id have to start cleaning bathrooms this year and i legitimately #--nearly had to leave the room. like haha really funny. glad you can laugh about shit. did you know im a fucking queer.

[nagitoedit]

there are things abt me that i dont talk about not because im being secretive i either just forget to mention it or think no one wants to hear about it but i think it gives like important context to whats wrong with me 💖

#me when im a child of a messy divorce because my dad has crazy issues that he never got help for so he started self medicating #and dealt with addiction and got to the point of stealing money or trying to return items he never bought to walmart for a refund #and got arrested many times and eventually spent 5 years in prison which literally didnt help at all just gave him more trauma and #caused relationship issues between him and his family which left him without healthy connections and support and #then he got accused of a crime even my mom doesnt believe he did and she'd experienced horrible things from him while they were together #and so he disappeared to run from the police and hes been legally considered a missing person for many years now and it is unknown to #us or any of his family members if hes even still alive out there somewhere and ive had dreams that he comes back and #i wonder if theres something that could be done something that could help him maybe we could never truly be on good terms again but #maybe at least he could have a chance at a decent life even if its away from us #i used to sit on the couch with him and watch nascar and monster trucks when i was little #and i still have some of his nascar novelty items in my desk drawer and the pocket tool that used to be his. #the scars of his tantrums are still in our house the holes he punches in walls covered up with copy paper taped over the wall #and im sure i have the same anger issues or whatever disorders he never got properly diagnosed for because i seem to have inherited everyth #ng from him his eyes his face his hair his anger issues even his handwriting somehow #and he is why im scared of ever doing any drugs because i just know im probably genetically predisposed to addiction just like him #and i dont want that to happen to me #recently i cut my hair and i looked in the mirror and i looked just like him #when i visit my paternal grandparents and aunts and uncles i see the family photos with him hanging on the walls #and i see that large painting that used to be in our house #👍

[volant-endeavor]

"Last time I saw ÿou, you said you would feed me prices of my flayed skin"

Ok, so ed is traumatized by threats of autocannibalism from his previous captain. [Aka boss] And when he is spiraling in self destruction, he does that exact thing to his close friend (+whipping boy?)

In his death images, the electrical activity happening as the body dies, his big radical shift in perspective is to place his behavior in the identity of his former abuser. And continue his own identity, "ed" in contrast, and at the whims of that person.

Now, the captain continues his life forward. Nourishes his body. Does what he has to do. And even, in this moment, treats him with respect! Dignity, even.

But underlying, there is a threat. Ed is afraid.

I think Ed has sought power to escape the abuses of hierarchy, and used those violences himself to get there. To build an image.

This made him lose himself, in a lot of ways. It's extreme masking trauma. It's made him feel so trapped that he has become suicidal, long before canon.

Ed realizes that to continue to be a pirate, he would rather himself be dead.

...or he can retire?

#but stede was the balm. it made him feel spontanious and like himself again #if we r thinking about relationship anarchy. stede has sought out new ways to relate to other peoples away from arostrocratic sociery #ed has been boxed into the behaviour of being a pirate. certain patterns started when he had no autonomy and have continued now that he is #in power on the ship. izzy is acclimated to the navy #he is loyal and he takes orders. he has souht a life outside the norms. in piracy. but he still upholds some of the shit #he internalized about being strong and useful. he doesnt have a hugh self worth. izzy isnt enough of s catalyst to break Ed's patterns #and i think its bdcause he js a subordinate. and because he doesnt habe #have a radical approach to intimacy. he just tries to keep things going. #fuck idk im sortimg my thoughts. my personal endga #endgame is ot3 #ed has a lot to come to terms w tho #ofmd season 2 #edward teach #edit: so sexy and systemlike of u edward. ive noticed u fracture ur identity into underlying parts which sometimes share space and time. #this intrigues me #edit edit: lost im the sauce im about to lose keyboard privleges sianora fuckers

[castingcomets]

Every summer I feel like i've grown a lot and I'll do better this time around but then the Autumn hits and the specific way it makes me feel has changed and grown and compounded too and now like every year im sitting here with so much homework feeling so lost and uncertain. And I want to make cookies

#GIRL .. GET A CLUE. Every year #Last year i remeber feeling at first that the autumn madness was the same as the winter madness and that #it shared elemnts with the spring madness #and i stopped thinking of it like that bc Thats Stupid. #I understand seasonal nostalgia sure but you dont need to put it quite like that . Im sure theres too much overlap for discretion of terms #But right now im like. OK this is autumn madness ceritifed like 100% pure #Lastb year i had a lot of energy so the signature enervation was curtailed so i confused it with some other things #But this is certifed . And i feel like an idiot #''oh i can do fall classes of course i did that my whole school career didnt i? my whole life'' DROP OUT OF HUMANITIES NOW . #Im not sure if there even is a winter madness but i know that there is the January Reckoning to be weary of (seasonal deporession) #I feel like winter classes would be easier at this point come on . #I was hoping that this year would be easier bc ive grown and learned stuff and like #I DID NOT WANT TO RELIVE THE MISERY OF LAST YEAR DOING ONLINE HOMEWORK IN THE BASEMENT #THINKING ABT dbgt characters like my life depended on it even though i hadnt the time . #And it's already better im sure bc im doing in-person school now which helps but STILL. I just want to sleep for forever #I did this last year too i made a post like this and ranted to myself in the tags EXPECT ONE NEXT YEAR TOO

[robotpussy]

my uni has finally given those who want to pitch to be production designers a script to work with and its so boring 😭😭 so i have to be over the top in my presentation to get this role

#and prod design at my uni includes costume design so i have to go and draw those out too 😭🙄 #im just gonna make the sets in blender or the sims 3 ik u can do it in unreal engine too but i need to get the hang #of that. maybe ill teach myself it idk but i know how to use blender and obvs the sims 4 is pretty good for #stuff like this too. all those days of watching ppls sims 4 builds has to come this! 😁 #but like the locations are so.... ugh like i thought we were just gonna have to sell ourselves #like we come up with a film concept or scene and go from there. i was already planning on making sets #for this film idea ive had for over a year now!!! but whatever its better that i have a script so i know i what im doing #but im not surprised it was picked because its just a drama like the scripts that are fantasy never yet chosen 😭 #like this really is a reflection of the actual industry but i digress this is gonna he easy for me because i dont have to be #that creative. i can take some liberties yes! but nothing that really stretches my mind in terms of creativity #its more about showing what you can do. there is only so much you can do with a bar. a bedroom. a guy in a suit and an apartment. 🤷🏾‍♀️ #*i meant the sims 4 the first time!

[mejomonster]

Sometimes I think ah yes being demi doesn't affect my life much more than like desolately few crushes and having to adapt asking people out/casually dating to me picking people not knowing if I'll actually like them for a few months so needing pre-crush standards on how to pick who's worth trying to date

Then I do something and I'm like oh god yeah forgot. Forgot. Dang yeah this affects so much

#rant #im demiromantic demisexual and uh #my dudes.... the second a convo or life situation tangential to me veers into relationship or sex territory #i realize wowza i do not think like the majority of people #every time love at first sight or first month comes up or sex within a few dates comes up #or fucking KISSING on first dates???? #or that im supposed to take anyone seriouslg when they say they love someone after a month??? how does Anyone take that seriously?? #but they DO. or how my definition of love is SO colored by my experience being demi #so when people describr LONG TERM attachment love in marriage as if it needs to be defined separate #from sjort term 'love' thats chemicals and honeymoon phase and will eventually wane and #can cloud your rational judgement? im like???? to me of course love alwaysssss means a long term care for another person #and interest in who tjey are??? wtf you mean people say love and mean it and mean that short term honeymoon phase feeling?? #what do you mean the chemicals kick in BEFORE u can rationally contemplate if a partner is compatible??? #what do you mean u had sex so now ur illogically attached to someone in compatible? #like yeah ive vaguely felt the honeymoon phase. after knowing someone 5 years before dating. so i was illogical #and everything avout tjem seemed Perfect in rose tinted vision. but only after solid years of being able to objectively view them #it hits me in other dating but like 3-6 months in. which gives me at least some time to go #WAIT my dumbass didnt check them for red flags in the first months! i should be wary and not assume theyre perfect rn just cause im feeling #biased. and its so easy to move on from casual dating for me cause i just dont get attached that early in knowing someone... #and my god man. hearing ppl talk about anything dating im like. why dont... yall just say what you mean andcsay what you feel???? why is it #all these layers and obfuscations???? why is it viewed as weird when i say hey i dont kiss right away??? why is it all such a #layered game? #i do not get it.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#im just gonna b a whiney bby for a sec bc im tired and i spent too long out in the sun :-P #we left at like 7.30 for sampling and got back around 4 so like it was a long day. it wasnt too awful tho #only kinda awful. but thats not what i wanna complain abt. i wanna complain bc we have this project looming #bc our machines r coming back. so i have to make sure i can connect the stupid cameras thru code stuff and make sure the chambers r built #and i dont wanna do any of this bc i kno this project is gonna cause me physical and Phycological pain #like all the projects we're collecting for. last time i had to work with the samples i got a little too close to a like full of breakdown #so my brain and body dont wanna do it. and this specific project has potential to b even worse that what i usually do so fml #sigh... i just dont wanna be here doing what im doing anymore. ive stopped having fun. my boss is like wow u r gonna be the person ppl #think of on X topic once u get all this published and its like. god i dont fucking care. #when i think of the data all i can think of is how awful it was collecting it. everytime it cuts a bigger and bigger wound in me #like i think its done long term damage to my psychy. i burned out too hard too many times. #so i dont wanna do it. i dont wanna push these projects forward. and i dont wanna collect more data from 2 other sites bc i kno the more i #collect the worse its gonna be. ugh. whatever. im sure itll b fine. bc im less invested in what im doing so maybe this time ill have a #healthier way of dealing with it idk. im just sick of it. and that's really sad. #ugh. whatever. i have a big meeting with a guy tomorrow and idk what device im gonna use to zoom with him #bc my computer screen is fucked and the camera makes me look like im at the bottom of a well... #i need a new computer... agh. whatever ive gotta reread some of his papers #i hope he likes me. he's at a way too prestigious school so im like. way too intimidated. but like im sure he just wants passion #ans ive got passion. Hopefully ive also got the stuff for knicking a full ride scholarship as well #yea right... but idk ill fucking go for it bc why not #hhhh i just wanna b in a future what i have the perfect phd program and its all sorted out #unrelated

[g-r-a-y-p-h-i-c]

not really the typical content for this blog, but i did some concept exploration for a pair of pajama bottoms im gonna visibly mend. its very rough, since i didnt go into this expecting to post it lol

#artists on tumblr #autisticart #quickmessyscribbles #for those of you who dont follow my main: this laptop is like kinda on the fritz rn #so im probably putting the art project ive been working on since last april on hold til some laptop repair supplies arrive later this month #bc id really really hate to make some serious progress and then have the laptop shut down right in the middle of it and lose all that #so- ive been focusing more on visible mending (another thing i do) bc if i dont have SOMETHING creative to do ill get cabin fever #the pants* im mending have been a bit challenging in terms of what to use thatll work with this odd burgundy/light blue/lime combo #but i think i finally figured it out by booting up csp and using the tools in there to come up w more colours #and i even managed to find threads to buy that match those colours decently! well- kind of. #so the (GOTS- and OekoTex-certified) thread shop i frequent is like. currently in the process of getting set up #it actually didnt exist the first time i bought something from them- i had to go find ANOTHER shop that sold their stuff and get it there #thankfully now they Do have their own shop so i can buy direct from them. BUT- #they have a lot of colours they Plan to sell that arent yet available #three of the colours i picked here are of those unavailable ones #so ive emailed them for an eta & set up an email subscription (hoping to get emailed whenever a new colours added) #and- we'll see what happens #worst case scenario i have to go somewhere else for three colours (which'd be a pain- hard to match this shops quality) #*i am also working on mending a few other things but for various reasons (supplies for x has to arrive; y is currently in the wash; etc) #those arent available atm #this image really is way way lazier than i think anything else ive Ever posted to this blog #couldnt even be bothered to make the 'sun' motif round or fully coloured-in #but like. i wont have much else to post to this blog til i finish that ongoing art project and THATS not happening anytime soon #and- shoddy execution aside- i DO like the colours and concepts in this image #so. shrug

[iliveinprocrasti-nationn]

i don’t like. the irrationality created by memories

#ive spent enough time pouring over information and reading studies and making sure i know damn well how this disease works so that at least #it’s not some unknown enemy and becomes something i can understand #which is fine until im crying and shaking in my bathroom over it potentially being in this damn house once again and at this time of the #year where specific anniversaries of horrible milestones come back to haunt me #and i haven’t been fully present in going on two years now but these last two days have passed obnoxiously quickly and none of it feels real #it’s been a long time since i haven’t known the hour much less what day it is #and i can tell you about blood vessels and symptoms and all the ways this disease can function in and destroy the body but it doesn’t make #any difference when nothing feels real and i had to check what day it was and got the date wrong for the first time in years #I’m also defaulting to hyper-rationality which hasn’t happened since middle school and isn’t. a good sign #it’s just a replay of a lot of memories i can’t forgot but this time it’s not just memories and has a very much physical component which is #worse. I think. by far. #and then there’s the repercussions of this where I have to see if my brain will allow me to anything #i can hope i can still go to work and everything because i do love it but last time this happened i wasn’t able to walk into any building #without having to leave #so. I don’t know. not to mention things that don’t have to do with school or careers? #and rationally i should be asleep at the moment because sleep is so so necessary right now but that’s the one thing I’m really struggling #with right now #i don’t know. it’s just a lot and I don’t appreciate the added layer of ‘time is a circle’ #there’s other things I have to deal with and work through that are more irrational than research vs trauma response but will probably be #harder to work through because man does my brain love latching onto a grudge but. for lack of a better term. whatever #im most upset about things pertaining to a career has been messed up and that i can’t celebrate chanukah with my family #because everyone else can think about christmas but im losing my winter holiday #im just. anything that isn’t empty is scared and angry and bitter just a little bit #vent tw

[ayakinari]

you ever just

#duck rants about something #hoooooo man. why did all my motivation and ability to create go out the window as soon as i finished that valk piece #i cant draw. i dont know what to draw i knew what i had to draw but i cant. put it on canvas #cant go in an art block now of all times theres less than one month and a half until finals and i need some sort of portfolio put together #by then and. i am Still exhausted i thought !! it was getting better but nope i am still incredibly fatigued by Everything #and to make matters worse its thursday tomorrow meaning the classes i dislike the most i just want to lie down for 10 years maybe i dont kn #maybe pursuing art as a career was a bad idea. maybe im not fit for this but im already over a year into this art school and i dont want to #waste the money my family's put into letting me go to this school #and i absolutely love it here the teachers are nice and my classmates are cool and i made friends for the first time in years #but god if i havent been in the worst headspace of my life this past year. #well this year was going a bit too well for me in terms of art i had a steady pace of imrpoving and trying out new things but now its just #i cant do anything. no matter what i doodle or sketch or just let my hand do whatever nothings coming out and it terrifies me #maybe im being dramatic! i know someone would say im being just that #god i dont want to go to class tomorrow either im not in the mood for a religious lecture but ive already skipped the past two weeks #keep it up any more than that and itll probably result in a call to my parents #my parents are probably gonna call me later tonight anyways. should get it together til then #maybe i need a nap. maybe i need to go outside and take a walk and look at a bug. maybe i just need to go out in a field and scream #auhgh but i need to draw i need to make Something i cant halfass something the way i did last semester and barely pass #and now im getting dizzy just typing this out thanks brain #ill probably delete this later i just really need to. hhghghhhgh please let me draw. please let me make something or anything at all #i dont know what id have if it isnt art. #ive always been mediocre at everything in my life the only thing giving me peace of mind is drawing #if thats all im good for then what even use am i without it #and sure! maybe im actually not that good at it! maybe my artstyle is uninspired and boring maybe im just wasting my time!!! #but i still love it immensely i love making my silly characters i love drawing out my dumb stories i love just. #making things and being okay at it. maybe. am i actually good at this probably not. maybe im also mediocre at this and just kidding myself #sorry for being emotional on a wednesday. must be the curse #anyways