#ive had to take it since 4th goddamn grade and im finally done

[elvesofnoldor]

lmao im kind of afraid of talking to my profs from major thesis project course about my project, cause im THIS CLOSE to going off on both of their stuck up faces. I didn’t want to talk about this on this blog for at least a month now cause i know its gonna turns to 30 paragraphs and everybodys gonna hate me for that. but i have to talk abt this now cause i gotta cope lol!!! 

i s2g everybody in the class knows that they have been anything but helpful when it comes to supervising our project, and their suggestions are usually so subjective af. The fact that they structure a 4th year THESIS course with full year course load into ONE TERM is already hazardous as it is, they literally failed several people’s mid term progress report presentation on ARBITRARY TERMS (i passed, fortunately, but my grade was not pretty). it was twenty fucking five present of people’s overall grade, and it’s not like people didn’t meet the very VAGUE guideline they provided for this presentation--which is just to show them what we have done so far. It was a progress report, and I’ve talked to several people in class about it, we all agree that we are not supposed to be graded on WHETHER OR NOT THEY LIKE OUR WORK OR NOT, they are supposed to grade us on how much we’ve done. In their feedback for me, they makes suggestions of what i should have done and it’s like??? well you didn’t tell anyone what you wanted from this presentation, so are we supposed to just KNOW? Also, they literally could not muster a convincing reason for FAILING PEOPLE in the class on that mid term presentation!! and 5 fucking people went to the department head about their shit experience in the course, and if worst comes to worst, i WILL be the sixth person to go the department head. 

last time i talked to one of them--frances-- about my project, she obviously didn’t like my unfinished rough cut of my short film, and decided that it was garbage based on that. Like i didnt do sound editing, colour correction--ANYTHING yet, i just put together some raw footage!!! she hasn’t even SEEN the entire thing, and I’m drawing inspiration from a director with very volatile and strange visual style and editing! A director that she obviously isn’t at all familiar with!!! (its wong kar wai, btw) SHIT even some of his films are hard to appreciate if you are not used to his kind of cinematography, and he’s a internationally acclaimed director that shoots his films on A. BUDGET, with PROFESSIONAL ACTORS WHO ARE MOVIE STARS, professional cinematographer and a decent sized crew of professional people, AS WELL AS BOUGHT EQUIPMENT THAT PROBABLY DOESN’T BREAK ALL THE TIME. Whereas im a film student shooting with no crew, no help from my goddamn profs that are supposed to supervise our projects, and shitty ass equipment that does not WORK sometimes (it’s such a thrill to work with audio equipment because oh bOY sometimes the shotgun mic just doesn’t record for no reason lol).

Honestly ive been really fucking depressed bc of this project, well im depressed in general but there is also this fucking project that makes it worse but its fine lol, and bc of that i had a hard time even touching the project. I reshoot two core scenes last Sunday and that’s all i fucking did. We are supposed to present our WIP for final feedback this week before presenting our work for real next week, and obviously im not ready since i can’t edit this film i just can’t. Every time i opened the editing program, and started editing i just couldn’t do it after a while cause i felt like no matter what i do its gonna be horrible and i will get a bad grade on my final project. I started to doubt my script, i started to doubt everything, and i couldn’t edit anything after Frances basically passed final value judgement on a VERY ROGH AND WIP version or something she doesnt like or yet to understand. And its stupid, but because of that fear of not achieving what i wanted to achieve, i couldn't do much editing. After I talked to Frances 1-2 weeks ago, i accommodated by planning to make a video essay to give context to the short film i will be screening either fucking way. I was gonna do a paper before deciding to concentrate on shooting the film. Frances straight up told me that i shouldn’t even show this film, she’s like “do you want to show people this?”, yes bitch i actually do, and how do u know its gonna be shitty when it’s NOT EVEN close to finished??? 

im just ranting here so i can calm myself down a little before going to see her today. I had good experiences in three of her classes before (got all As from them), PLUS she WROTE my reference letters for grad school, so i dont really want to end up in her bad book; but i know shes not the best prof and i took issue with how she structured her courses before (dude i learned NOTHING from screenwriting class, cause she just goes through the processes of writing a ten page screenplay and that’s fucking it. it doesnt matter i got an A from that course i just didnt learn much). Believe me, i was raised to not question teachers’ teaching methods and authorities, and if i take issues with profs and teachers it’s usually because they have done something seriously wrong. I dont think they gonna budge on giving me a better grade for mid term, but at least i want her to know what my main argument is in the video essay, just so i know if she has any constructive criticisms to give, because there is no point showing her a slightly updated version of the rough cut lol. im gonna have to muster all the strength i have to at least make the video essay by tomorrow morning to show to the class, and maybe a good clip from the film. Jesus Fucking Christ, i actually need this course to graduate cause its a 400 level 4th year course. Even tho i dont think im gonna fail i kinda want a decent grade for this course lol. 

#long personal post #long post for ts #not spn #yolanda talks #me for ts