#ive improved so much i scare even myself | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

suffarustuffaru · 4 days

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The fanbase is scaring me, the redesigns brought up some weird people that are REALLY passionate about Liliana being half naked

Like theres a whole war going on on twitter rn and the poor character designer got harassed

My problem is with the amount of people upset with this, like i knew we had a bunch of pedos around because of the way tappei writes the girls, but damn i didnt think there were this many of them 💀

yes ive heard about that....... im answering your ask late oops haah but i hope the situations a Bit better..... the toxic parts of this fandom give me a headache but my usual motto is to stay off twitter, touch grass, ignore people, and then hold onto my own viewpoints unless proven wrong alsjdflsdj but like. yeah this fandom is a bit tough to stay in when it comes to certain circles (for example the amount of people low quality shitposting / ranting about the fandom or whatever on rezero ao3 atm in the past days/weeks is. mm. interesting). not my first time being in larger fandoms that make you sometimes feel like youre fighting in the trenches (you could name off a few big fandoms notorious for being toxic that date back to like 2016 and odds are ive been in a couple lajdlf) but yeah seeing people complain about liliana and capella's designs and then overly fixate on emilia's boobs when these three characters have more to bring to the table than just that and theres lots and lots of good things to say about the s3 trailer and their designs..... mm. yeah. im squinting hard at a few of the things ive heard on that. but anyway!!

like the new designs are an Improvement. In General. like ok, as a boob haver myself ("boob haver" is the funniest phrase to me alsdjfls but it is true nonetheless, i am one) i do not give a shit about emilias larger boobs like ok?? her boobs are bigger?? she is still my fav ever and sometimes it just happens when youre still a growing teen/young adult and emilias back to her more revealing main outfit when she wore a different outfit in s2 so the difference in chest size is really not that much. but liliana and capella? those are Improved designs. i think ive talked abt the treatment of underage characters / characters who appear underage on my blog before (and i definitely couldve worded myself better then but i stand behind the fact that some of the stuff otsuka and tappei do regarding this in rezero is just Unnecessary).

could designs like emilia's still be improved on in other ways? yeah 100%, just in the sense that there could probably be changed a bit to fit her slightly more timid and soft spoken personality. or you could take different directions on it in general if you wanted. ive seen some great redesigns of her main outfit!! though her main outfit in of itself is pretty nice to look at imo and its iconic and well-known for a reason. im of the personal opinion that i wish it was a little less revealing in the same vein that her s2 main outfit was (i like that outfit a lot!!) but its still a really solid design overall.

i had some faith after seeing the anime designers fix up typhoon's original design to be More Appropriate, and i love how the essence of liliana and capella's designs were kept the same. like its not just that theyre a little less revealing (and even then, theyre both still showing a lot of skin!!! which is good!!! i like the improvement while keeping the main stuff the same), but stuff like liliana's pants aren't transparent (probably to make it easier to animate?) and the yellow/orange gradient in capella's hair looks great!! they also both look more like grown women which is a bonus. unless youre Weird about this shit which is unfortunately a small percentage of the rezero community. like you cant win with those sort of people ig, bc capella's boobs are bigger too ljasdlfj youd think that win more people over.

also i appreciate capella's sports bra bc unlike elsa's outfit it Actually looks like it's supporting her chest. if youre someone with boobs and you dont have a flat chest, youre gonna need support when being active or itll Hurt. and elsa Does Not have proper chest support okay. ill forever wince remembering elsa's design in that sense HAH....

anyway but i digress. i got no clue what to do with toxic people in fandoms despite spending a lot of time lurking in large fandoms with loud toxic people haah.... its hard to do much about it especially with increasingly declining media literacy rates everywhere.... the notorious misogyny/homophobia/etc that can happen sometimes in anime communities.... that sort of thing. i kinda just avoid it when it comes to rezero in specific, or briefly talk about it on here, or rant about it to myself in my head or chat with pals about it in private if it really frustrates me that much!! and id say im a pretty patient person hah... im not frustrated often. and the fandom is not all weird people of course and i can attest to that as ive chatted with a lot of people here... ive also seen a lot of people leave due to the fandom's Issues which is. totally fair tbh.

and i think rezero is often a "baby's first fandom" so to speak... i dont mean that in a bad way of course but its more like its the first exposure to fandom and fandom etiquette and fic etiquette and that sort of thing when it comes to english circles. or at least its a pattern ive noticed, so my theory is that that occasionally that combines with toxic fans and then you get a few people complaining about the community and how bad our fics are on rezero ao3 ig lajdlfjsdlf. which is false by the way :<< and an annoying misuse of ao3 as a free creative archive :<<

but ultimately i hope the rezero character designer's alright (and honestly theyve done super super great work - like the anime Did Not need to give emilia a bajillion outfits and go above and beyond with improving liliana, capella, giving the suwens and their hometown a whole unique aesthetic, etc). and also while i have stuff to criticize with otsuka and tappei... and the toxic parts of the fandom hah... i still enjoy rezero apart from that and the uproar with the designs has not chipped away at me too much!! ive been in this fandom long enough i guess lmao i just roll with punches at this point T^T but i also just try to look on the bright side a lot in general so ;-;;;

these are the sorts of things i like to be aware about but i dont like to get myself super involved with it (since itll probably make it worse and/or make me stressed for no good reason lmfaoo) and i wont let it enjoy the parts of rezero that i do enjoy a lot (which is to say like. the other 98% of rezero hah). so. getting off twitter is the biggest godsend i promise lajdlsfj.

but anyway!! yeah i dont have much organized thoughts on all of this, this is just me rambling my feelings on it. hope this all makes sense anon <3

#idk how things are on the eastern side of the fandom but the western side can be a little. wild yes.#ask #i try to be as fair as possible in my opinions ljasldfjd but yeah like. people complaining about the designs. i dont agree with it for a Lo #t of reasons. and on a lighter note #honestly my only thing with capellas anime design is that her eyes arent more red!! :<< but her pink eyes look very nice too though <3 #i hope to see like a red-pink gradient on them maybe... thatd be cool...

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apocketfullofpoesis · 4 months

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topic of rant: the unnecessary hatred that "toppers" get

don't even get me started on the whole stereotyped notion that people have towards students who are nailing it, esp in a brown household and society.

1. Do you understand what a 9 CGPA is? THAT TOO IN ESTEEMED GOVERNMENT UNIVERSITIES??? THAT TOO, THE MAIN CAMPUS??? no. You don't. you also don't know how a 9.0 is generalized in a middle class Indian household. it is excruciating that you keep running your arse against sand paper and when nobody takes interest in knowing how much you scored and you go and show them on your own, they be like "I knew you could do it" like?????? 😃 YOU DID NOT KNOW IT. WHILE I WAS STUDYING YOU KEPT COMPLAINING HOW I DONT HELP YOU WITH THE HOUSEHOLD CHORES AND JUST KEPT MYSELF BUSY WITH MY BOOKS. YOU DID NOT KNOW SHIT FAMILY. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU TOOK INTEREST IN MY ACADEMIC ACHIEVEMENTS DO YOU KNOW THE RESPECT IVE GAINED IN THE EYES OF THE BEST PROFESSORS AND HOW THE WORST ONES KEEP TARGETTING ME??? but you knew it.

2. I keep seeing these reels wherein the so called influencers act like "toppers" (BECAUSE THEY CAN ONLY ACT LIKE ONE) and do the stereotyped scene of how toppers lie about how they're studying. DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE EVIL EYE THINGY? ITS BECAUSE OF PEOPLE LIKE THESE INFLUENCERS WE DONT BOAST ABOUT OUR SCHEDULE BECAUSE IT SCARES US BECAUSE AT THE END OF THE DAY WE ARE INDIANS AND SOMEWHERE IN OUR HEARTS THESE KINDA SUPERSTITIONS ARE DEEPLY-ROOTED. Aur kahi toh tumlog "Nazar shit is real" kehke cool ban jate ho what happens to y'all while talking about this??? Fucking hypocrites.

3. It is appreciable if you work hard on yourself and rise from say, a 4 gpa to an 8.5, in Desi terms, "zero se hero banna" BUT DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW HERO BANE REHNA IS AN EMOTIONALLY DRAINING JOB?? NO.

4. "Are tum to B.A wale ho." NAHI, HM WO LOG H JINHONE APNI POTENTIAL KE HISAB SE APNE INTERESTS KO CONSIDER KARTE HUYE EK CAREER CHOOSE KIYA WHERE WE'RE NAILING IT. unlike you, jo drop leke kuch naa ukhaad paane ke baad bhi "at least I tried" bolke pvt colleges me admission leke ek 8 bhi nahi laa pate. unlike you, we don't regret our choice, unless it wasn't your choice iykyk.

5. "But nobody forced you to throw yourself into too much study." Sis, unlike you, we're actually trying to improve ourselves and manage to at least excel at one good thing. unlike you, we're actually doing something to make our lives better. unlike you, we don't whore around the campus and club during the entire semester only to cry during exams and give excuses based on baseless criticism of the "toppers" of whom we're just insecure and jealous because they're actually good.

6. It is exhausting. The entire process. Esp when you don't get appreciated enough. This feeling of insecurity and envy is everywhere among everyone we're surrounded with. People think we must be proud. But even if we are, is there something wrong with it? They are ready to criticize us the moment we suffer a minute downfall. Remember Shylock's monologue from The merchant of Venice? Replace the Jew and Christian words with topper and average/below average students. It's that deep. If mocking us behind our backs and bitching about us when some of us are really kind and try to mingle with you, help you out - gives you peace, so be it. But please do not stereotype our efforts like that. Do not spread anymore negative emotions towards us. It honestly doesn't help any better.

#writers on tumblr #for you page #foryou #explore page #for you #dark academia #light academia #literature #desiblr #desi tumblr #indian #toppers #important

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transformers-mosaic · 3 months

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Transformers: Mosaic #567 - "The Gift Of Friendship"

Originally posted on December 23rd, 2010

Story, Art - Simon Reeves Colours - Ibai Canales Letters - Franco Villa

deviantART | Seibertron | TFW2005

wada sez: What do you mean, Christmas was a month ago? The Transformers: Mosaic archive train stops for no holiday. On deviantART, Reeves talked about the strip: “was a really rushed mosaic art wise but luckily we had a great (and super fast) colourist to help improve my rushed line art. and of course, franco's lettering skills are awesome considering there was so much text and such small panels. breast feeding flowers are always funny, as is 'angel bee' and finally we now have an answer to the question on all transfans lips- if prime has an energon axe in the cartoon, what energon weapon does cosmos have hiding behind his hand? an energon spade/trowel!! doubt anybody noticed, but ive got sideswipe beating up sunstreakier like he did in last years 'appreciation' xmas mosaic. sludge is a really annoying character to write about. it's awkward to read his narration when he has such a broken speech pattern, but you can't have him speak normally so trying to find a middle ground was challenging. [...] from the time i thought up the story to the final finished product i think took about a week and a half. never again.” He also shared his original idea for a Christmas strip, which he would’ve done if he “had more time”; I’ve mirrored it below, after Villa’s Italian translation of the strip.

festive mercy 'christmas: late night' starscream is in a security room at decepticon hq arguing with megatron. monitors show the decepticon party. various funny images such as laserbeak tied down on a plate like an xmas turkey.

screamer says "you have no right megatron! i deserve to be at the christmas celebration. not stuck on security detail" megatron says "deserve starscream? you deserve to be stamped down into sub-par decorations for your pitiful performance against prime earlier"

'earlier: christmas afternoon' outside in the snow prime is beating the shit out of starscream using a huge christmas tree prime says "you shall not ruin today for the humans starscream. not this day. not christmas day!" screamer says "mercy prime- i beg of you"

'christmas: early evening' decepticon hq party. starscream is obviously scared as the decepticons are running around. the decepticons have their head replaced by optimus heads. thundercracker says "merry xmas starscream" screamer says "eeep!!" screamer thinks 'everywhere i look i see his face'

now we see that the decepticons dont have prime heads- its just starscreams imagination. a decepticon is throwing up as others get drunk. screamer says "er yeah thundercracker. you too." screamer thinks 'my nerves are shot. i dont know how much longer i can bare this' megatron is watching starscream shake with fear megatron thinks 'look at him. the coward. however, when pushed, prime is an intimidating foe. perhaps his temperary fear is somewhat... understandable?' starscream is whispering (keep away keep away) as his fellow cons dance around him (imaginary prime heads on the decep bodies). megatron thinks ' exposing his fear- humiliate him- a truely delicious present for myself.' decepticons are all cheering "merry christmas!!" megatron thinks '... and yet...' megatron says "starscream relieve soundwave in security. the spoils of war are for winners only" screamer says "th- this is intolerable!! " relieved yet afraid to show it. megatron says with a smirk "and one more thing- merry xmas you waste of energon" screamer replies "merry xmas you over sized scraplet"

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girlwithfish · 3 months

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seeing how dysfunctional and self destructive and angry i was in the beginning of december im in a much better place now even if im not completely at the place i want to b. bc i have some weird warped view of what healed looks like or like happiness is some destination where ill be 100% totally ok and never suffer ever again but im trying to b realistic and see the progress ive made even if it is small and how healing is always ongoing and one day i will b in the place i want to b but its not like an ultimate place i i will have reached i dont think but things will get easier. and its a little easier already. im scared that im not so angry anymore it feels scary i dont know why but i am a lot better and more functioning than i was last december im trying to be proud of myself for that and see the improvement even if it feels like others dont see it bc i still dont have a job or im still at home and dont go out much or have friends but thats just outside judgment and i know myself best. and i can have this small win!!

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cator99 · 10 months

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i’m not actually suicidal it’s not like that at all thats so sad nd weird sorry but when die it’s going to be so epic for real like stop i’m getting excited liek i would get so much sick pleasure out of it soo yea um so i’d have to save it for a special occasion obviously um i understand people who kill themselves to escape the sufferings and whatnot like thats their own thing they have going on but i’d never do it like that. if my life was so irreparably bad I would just keep making it worse until the awfulness looped around to being awesome again but ya killing yourself/getting ones self killed in my opinion is what one should do as a celebration. i am only allowed to die once i’ve built a life that would feel satisfying to end. just my personal opinion. I would like it to ideally be very drawn out and painful like sometimes i read the beginning of discipline and punish and think “damiens you lucky bastard” like i’m soooo jealous that i start to get worked up. but yeah dont think about it too hard its not weird and youre being weird if you read into it too much i just think its something i would really enjoy so much ok its not weird everyone is just different. when i was little my mom would always freak out and talk about how she’s so scared to die and hopes to pass in her sleep which never made sense to me--- why be afraid, why hope to avoid it, its the last thing i’ll ever get to feel forever, so if i have any say in the matter it’ll be the most agonizing painful awesome horrifying thing ever, and then i just go away forever oooohhhh. this is the most honest post ive ever written in the entire history of my blog. with everything i do, there’s a little part of me thats thinking about how this will contribute to my awesome death. it makes me enjoy my life more because i feel motivated to work harder and improve myself and my life because that’ll make my death even awesomer. i enjoy thinking about how things could eventually lead to me dying sooo awesomely. that’s just my personal truth. so ya if you ever hear that i died, dont be sad, give a round of applause and just know that i finally made it. or i just wasnt looking when i crossed the street cuz i do that a lot too not on purpose i just forget or like last week i thought i was crossing at a crosswalk where you press the button and it flashes above to alert traffic when it was actualy just a green light and i almost caused multiple collisions while totally convinced that everyone else on the road was an idiot for not noticing that i pressed the cross button

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mpregfrance · 5 months

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Alright to start this ask off I'm just gonna say my interactions w/ you have genuenly been one of the funniest ive had in a long ass time. I've read ur recent post and I empathyse a lot. You seem incredibly funny and genuine. Idk your situation and your background and even your age, but I think you can and are pulling through. Things will get better even if you dont actively want them to. Im not saying this in a vague hope to make the situation you are in better. Im telling you, as a person who from the age of 14 went from therapist to therapist, somehow been on meds that dont fuckin exist yet in croatia, someone who feels trapped in the very /country/ she lives in with no means of escape, someone who is "waiting" for things to finally financially/academicaly/politicaly be better so that I can make something of my life. As it did for me, you will feel joy again in what you do, in what you have, and in what you can achieve. I think it's ok to be down, its ok to feel like "if a bus hit me tomorrow i wouldnt protest" but the thing about people is we adapt rather quickly. So putting yourself out there, going to places you are scared to and believe yourself to be an outcast from is exactly what gets you to meet people and see things that youll remember forever. And after a while the outcast will stop coming to these places, the person there will be someone who belongs. Apathy is a way of saying "fine whatever i dont even care anymore" but youll see how much you care.

I started getting ok after a full decade of *trying* and what I've always found is that for me the saying "don't take anything seriously" is no.1 rule. I get worked up, anxious and overwhelmed with so much so many times.

You may have problems with people at work with friends and whomever, but the main thing you gotta remember is *you cant change anyone but yourself*

And its not a change of personality, hair color, interests, its how much something will get to you, how willing are you to give something up thats not working out and how you will percieve something.

I have no doubt that you know all of this crap but i guess i wanted to say all of that just bc there is no greater pain for me than when i see someone feel like i did regardless of the reason or situation.

Keep on truckin and doing what u love even if its mpregfrance posting. I will always be here to send you to liking-france-jail, mwah <3

hello my sweaty angle <3 i'm sorry i'm just replying to this now. i had to sleep on it because your thoughtfulness deserves a sincere reply.

first of all - thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being so kind, sweet and insightful and offering your support.

the fact that you would take the precious time out of your day to write this out for me is, in a word, unbelievable. i really appreciate you checking in, it's an incredibly caring thing to do. to be honest i'm a little overwhelmed by the magnitude of this unexpected message and i wish i knew how better to express my appreciation.

i really do love to hear that i made you laugh. i live to shitpost. i've always prided myself on my sense of humor and sometimes i feel as if it's slipping away, so it's reliving to hear i've still got it.

unfortunately i still haven't had the strength to eat. i'm heading to work in a bit. things are pretty rough right now, but when have they not been? obviously my present circumstances aren't the root cause of all my problems. in fact my life has improved since moving here.

extensive bianca lore and vulnerability under the cut, apologies in advance.

basically, in so few words, my current situation is that i'm nearly 25 and have nothing to show for it. i've lived in different cities across the US, had great jobs, apartments, friends, roommates, relationships, etc. i have done a lot of living in a short amount of time. but then, in retrospect, it feels like it stopped.

about 3 years ago i was in a very bad place mentally due to the isolation of the pandemic, and i met my husband online. in early 2022 i gave up everything, saved over $10k for the visa and moving costs, and relocated from the US to australia to live with him. our relationship itself has improved from how it used to be, but since the beginning we've had seemingly endless bad luck and financial setbacks.

last year, not long after our (very disappointing) wedding, i suffered a devastating miscarriage. ruptured ectopic, massive internal bleeding, required emergency surgery etc. not only was that traumatic emotionally, but i wasn't eligible for healthcare at the time bc of my immigration status, so we're still paying off the medical bill.

we share a house with my mother in law who is a domineering, emotionally incestuous single mom and an emotionally abusive narcissist. i don't throw that term around lightly, as so many people do these days, but i honestly believe she's devoid of empathy. she's admitted that she dislikes me and thinks i'm stupid because i don't talk much, and goes out of her way to make me feel unwelcome.

so i'm stuck in an area that feels, to me, like the middle of nowhere. i'm not homesick, i love this country. it's just that i'm not used to suburbs. i feel most comfortable in a city where there's people and places and things, neon lights and background noise and stuff to do.

i'd would be happy to live anywhere as long as it's not with her. it honestly feels like a prison sometimes. that sounds dramatic but she's cultivating an unbelievably hostile environment that causes me to feel on edge whenever she's around.

needless to say we need to move, desperately. it's our #1 priority. more than anything else i want a place of our own and eventually a family. we've been actively househunting for the better part of a year, but the rental market is catastrophically bad right now. it's not even about the money, since we're both working we can afford a decent place. it's just that it's so competitive. every showing i've attended, there's been like 30 other prospective tenants. we've been turned down from every apartment we've applied for.

on top of our living situation i have complex health issues that are just getting worse. my energy is zapped. trying to balance work work and housework leaves me with almost no free time to write.

this barely scratches the surface of why I Am The Way That I Am™. i'm not saying any of this to evoke sympathy or brag about 'having it hard'. simply trying to explain. my upbringing was abusive and dysfunctional in a number of ways. i just barely graduated high school. i never had traditional opportunities, i was raised in a way where there's basically no assumption/expectation that you'll ever be successful or fulfilled. i'm diagnosed with ADHD, PTSD and bipolar 2 - haven't been able to get my proper meds in australia. i've been addicted to hard drugs and alcohol. i'm not pleasant to be around. i will probably always look like and act like the lower class, white trash girl that i am. i have spent my entire life in survival mode.

i'm always in the midst of some identity crisis or running away from something. so yeah, i've been hurt and downtrodden. i've also experienced the beautiful side of life from time to time. i've gained a breadth of knowledge and met incredible individuals who introduced me to new perspectives and i'm forever grateful for them. with the way i've lived, i'm very lucky to not be dead or incarcerated right now.

ok, pity party's over. for real this time.

you're pretty much describing exactly how i feel. you know the struggle. the part about waiting to live my life; that's precisely where i'm at. i don't necessarily have a desire to fit in, i just want to get away into somewhere that i can adjust better to.

my isolation is partially due to a lack of energy but also i don't seek out interaction because i'm afraid no one else can understand me. not because i believe i'm too 'complex' or 'damaged' to be understood. that's a load of self-pitying bullshit. it's just scary to be truly seen. or vulnerable. or genuine. bc the results of such openness are unpredictable and uncomfortable.

it's hard, but i know i have to find it within myself to take that push. what's holding me back right now is mainly my material conditions, circumstances out of my direct control. i have no doubt i'll feel at least 50% better when i stop living with this woman.

i certainly have no problem with starting over if something doesn't work for me. contrary to what i might've described, i believe i'm pretty well adjusted, self aware and rational. as is obvious i don't take many things that seriously lmao. i went from caring wayyy too much about everything, being overly emotional and sensitive, to going entirely with the flow and accepting what i can't control or predict.

also i am well aware that you can't change people, that's never been my goal lmao i've never needed someone to tell me that <3

tl;dr, thank you. so much. this really uplifted and inspired me meli, thank you so much for being so thoughtful and compassionate.

it sounds like you're also stuck between a rock and a hard place in your own environment, and i'm sorry to hear that. it's a wretched feeling but i believe you you will thrive no matter the setting, because in all seriousness, you're incredibly talented. i hope you know you should follow your dreams. hell, it looks like you already are and you're giving us the privilege of witnessing it. your art is stunning, the passion and care you put into your work is obvious. your matthew is absolutely beautiful - like his maman.

from a rabidly devoted france woobifier to the designated france hater, i'm only going to say this once but you are validated in your distaste. i understand. you gotta admit though, he is a MILF.

if one thing is certain i will never stop frussyposting. in fact right now i am thinking about france hetalia big fat juicy boobies mmmm milky squishy. i'm giving her a teensy tiny little slut waist and childbearing hips. i would give him a brazilian butt lift but he doesn't even need it!!!

if that is a crime then lock me up. please. strap on the handcuffs and throw me in the crate for naughty little freaks teeheehee >:3

be careful tho. if you keep sending me gay ass love letters like this they're gonna start shipping toxic yuri melianca even harder <3

#this made my day #this ask gave me bottom emoji eyes!!!#DM me if you want babe #ask and ye shall receive #tw vent

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talkativetrashpanda · 9 months

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Things are going well lately, my health is improving, I’m getting good reports, my aunt and uncle are doing ok, and Emma (my poodle) is doing ok as well.

And I’m scared shitless.

I’m scared because nothing ever stays good for long. Literally every time I’ve thought “things are turning around!” Something horrible happens. I’m in constant fear of waiting for the other shoe to drop. It’s like in a horror movie when you KNOW something scary is coming, and you’re anxious and terrified waiting for it.

Plus, I KNOW the bad things are coming. We were given an estimate of 12-14 months with Emma and we’re at sixteen. My uncle is 90. My aunt is on hospice. So I KNOW I’ll be dealing with those things and it’s making it hard to enjoy the good things now.

Plus I’m coming up on a year exactly from when I got really sick. I had double covid pneumonia and ended up in the hospital on oxygen. I literally thought I was going to die. And up until I got sick, I’d been improving, much like I am now. Then I got sick and was even worse than before.

I’ve made so much progress and I’m absolutely terrified of losing it again. I went downhill so fast and undid all my work for recovery. I have nightmares about getting sick again. I live in constant terror of getting sick again. And the rest of the world has moved on and forgotten covid but I can’t.

Things are better than they’ve been in three years and I’m more anxious than before. Medical ptsd is real and unfortunately not often recognized. I think approaching the anniversary date has really triggered my anxiety and stress. It doesn’t help that I have two surgeries coming up too. They should hopefully help and improve my health even more. But going back into the hospital, even temporarily, terrifies me. The IVs, the pain, the bleeding… I have to stop before I get myself too anxious to sleep.

#long covid #covid long hauler #covid 19 #post covid #covid survivor #medical trauma #medical ptsd #ptsd #anxiety #personal blog #health

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emberfaye · 4 months

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2023 thoughts

What a year.

The start of this year I was emotionally broken, exhausted. I was in deep despair and i gave myself permission to do something i didnt think i was ever gonna allow:

I gave up.

Not on everything. Not in some ways. But i gave up trying to improve things and let myself just drift. I let myself be a version of myself i didnt like: bitter. No ambition. Selfish. Day by day, no plans for the future.

And by doing that i do think i saved my life.

I focused on the most important things: parenting. Finances. The friends and family where i could. Myself.

I did a lot of thinking about the future, but i couldnt see one. I thought about what i wanted, and i couldnt name anything. I did a lot of work, but it hadnt gone anywhere, was still going nowhere. I felt more lost and alone and angry and scared, more intensely and for a longer amount of time than i ever had before.

And for most of the year, that was the undercurrent of every interaction i had, every moment i was awake. Even a lot of the times i was asleep, i would dream or have nightmares about it.

Healing and grieving are entertwined, to the point where you cant have life without them. I am a fundamentally changed person now. Aspects of myself i thought were immutable have been dissolved or scattered or shifted to the side.

But. Im here. I came out the other side, and wow.

Im happy?

Creatively, ive grown so much. I still suck at a lot of mediums, but im not paralyzed from starting it anymore. My understanding of art, if not my execution, has deepened and evolved.

Writing wise, I do think ive done some of my best ever work, and ive been consistent all year. Ive reached milestones i didnt think would happen.

I got a new job, and am excelling at it.

Ive made so many memories with my kids.

And the thing i was most afraid of when i gave myself permission to give up didnt happen.

Instead of losing my friends, im closer to so many pf them now. Ive made so many new ones. Ive reconnected with older ones.

None of them have ever once seen me the way i saw myself. I dont know if thats just because my soul hid it it from them with all the skill of a wounded cat, or if because i have always been harder on myself than i deserve. Maybe both, maybe none, but either way.

Ive received tangible proof by my friends, my family, coworkers, acquaintances, and even freaking strangers that there is something bright in me that is worth continuing on.

2024 is here, and i cannot wait to try something new.

#personal #2023 #its been a long year

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animalcrossingnewhorizons · 1 year

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this is going to be so fucking long and im trying not to be overly apologetic over just existing so i genuinely am grateful for anyone that even tries reading this and making sense of my mentally ill mindset

people who have always been reserved and feared intimacy/being vulnerable (or maybe developed it later on in life due to whatever reasons), how do you overcome it? or how can it even get better? i feel like nothing i do seems to make me improve

i am so scared to ever talk about myself or express that i'm experiencing hardships, especially if i were to talk about in detail or one on one with someone.

i get uncomfortable and try to move the topic on as fast as possible , pretend that any attempt at comfort helped when i still feel miserable since it genuinely freaks me out when people show love to me or say they care. its terrible. ive been like this for almost a decade now and its genuinely destroying my life. im holding back tears as i type this.

i know that if one of my friends acted the way i am acting, i would be terrified out of my mind and stressed out constantly because they wouldn't be open with me and genuine. i'd be very hurt they wouldn't trust me. but i can never even follow my own advice. i feel like a terrible friend. i've stopped dating entirely because i know i can never be truly honest with people

im very scared and fed up with myself, i can't get rid of the mindset of feeling like a burden and i can tell its very much straining all my relationships, i just want to run away and self isolate forever.

#clicks!

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feral-cockroach · 4 months

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MASSIVE TW FOR SELF HARM

ive been clean for almost a full year. maybe just over at this point, i dont know. but all (and i mean ALL) of my scars were fully healed and some were even fading into those little white lines that are barely visible on your skin.

and i relapsed tonight. ive been fighting it for weeks now but realistically i knew it was going to happen eventually. i feel so, so hopeless. nothing is working out and i cannot convince myself that things will improve. its a feat to just talk myself out of suicide every morning at this point.

im so fucking sick of everything. i mean honestly what is the point? im barely making rent, im going to lose my home in october of next year, ive got no car, no license, i can't afford groceries most of the time with absolutely no help from anyone around me. im scared. im tired and im alone.

i havent self harmed in a year or over and the worst of it was 3 years ago. except im getting back to that point i was at 3 years ago and i cant afford institutionalisation again. even if i could i dont want to go back. they held me for a week and then gave me a caretaker and then took away my caretaker when i turned 18 and then when i found myself a new therapist they completely cancelled my insurance with no warning and then denied me when i tried to reapply. ive been without insurance for a year in march.

im fucking terrified and i hate it here and i cannot do this shit much longer. i just cant. i dont know how much more fear and paranoia and justified upset one guy can fucking take !!!!

i just wish my father hadnt stalked and coerced my mom and i wish my moms mom wasnt such a pro life piece of shit and i wish my mom hadnt developed such an attachment to her abuser to convince herself that having a child was a good idea and i ESPECIALLY wish that my mom hadnt completely discarded me when we left my father and then immediately started dating new men every fucking week my whole life ive never known her to be single

and i love my mom !!!! but my mom does NOT love herself !!!!! and my mom HAS TO HAVE validation from men !!!!! and ive spent the past FOUR YEARS trying to have a relationship with her and she wants absolutely nothing to do with me and it SUCKS !!!!

it sucks so fuckinf much that EVERY SINFLE PERSON involved in bringing me into this SHITHOLE wants NOTHING TO DO WITH ME because i didnt end up how THEY WANTED ME because GOD FORBID I BE FUCKINF TRAUMATISED BY WHAT THEY ALL PUT ME THROUGH.

and im so , so angry. and scared. im so scared. im not sure when im going to kms but honestly, if i look to the future, thats all i see. thats all i have ever seen since i was 12 years old when i first self harmed. thats almost an entire decade of self harm. and i was convinced i wouldnt hit 16 or 18 or 21 and im about to hit 21 and every year it was "if i make it to [16/18/21] i wont make it to 30" and here i am at 21 and you know what

i wont. i dont think im going to make it to 30. by my own hand or my fathers or capitalisms i dojt fucking know but i will not live to see 30. i am certain

and it is the only thing i have ever been certain about my entire life.

#vent #tw vent #vent post #cw vent #self harm #tw self harm #self harm mention #cw self harm #cw self harm mention

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ditzydoodiary · 5 months

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cw // angry vent about my disabilities that includes some swearing and heavy themes so if you dont want to read that right now heres your chance to leave

if i hear one more person tell me to "find coping strategies" otherwise ill "never be happy" im going to lose my marbles. do- do you even realise that i have been trying to find support for my disability that i didnt even know i had for pretty much all of my life??? my life is just a cry for help that no one will listen to at this point. nothing more.

like do you think im not fucking aware of that? do you not think im already aware of my miserable-ness at this point? its not like im purposefully trying to feel miserable; i genuinely want help and support and i feel shitty about it because i have people more privelaged than me telling me what to do regarding my disability. they have supports, they have therapy, their parents have somewhat reasonable income, they have a diagnosis, they have access to medication; they have access to all this stuff + so much more and still have the audacity to tell me im wrong for feeling utterly miserable with my life and that i should improve on it as if im not already trying my damn hardest. no matter how painstakingly obvious my disabilities are, im just not going to be able to have access to a diagnosis until we have the money. we arent going to be able to have anything until that happens; we need the disability funding so desperately (for context my mother is also disabled both physically and neurologically and cannot work, but this isnt medically recognised either, so she gets paid very little money by the government) and we just want someone, anyone to help :(

im too scared to talk about any of this because i dont want people to think im selfish or "cpmplaining" (as ive been told many times before)... but yk what? so fucking what if i come off as selfish sometimes; my family and i are on the poverty line and almost living on the streets in a house that is falling apart, i have zero accommodations, zero medical help, zero anything and honestly sometimes i just want to put you in your place and put myself first for once in my godforsaken life because god forbid i dont want to die from exhaustion and disease due to my living conditions.

so yeah! god forbid im fucking miserable! i know youre all struggling too (directed at people i know personally) and i love you, but please just learn to recognise your privelage and stop telling people who are less privelaged than you what to do and how to feel holy fuck.

#im so sorry but im just so tired #everything fucking sucks and i feel like i should be able to acknowledge how bad that feels???#anyway yeah dont read if you don't want #im just mad and needed an outlet #autism #actually autistic #adhd #level 2 autism #mid support needs #pathological demand avoidance #pda #pda autism #special needs #vent

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