#ive just been really exhausted from depression and other irl issues so managing more than one social media is a bit much for me rn

[factotum-9]

need a space to put my problems out there. dunno how to add the "read more" filter soo skip if you already have enough issues written in melodramatic runon sentences. (on another note, tumblr stepped up its font game finally, im living for this serif title.)

I know this blog is rather dead and no one I really know irl is on anymore or maybe (hopefully?) doesnt remember exactly who i am. but! long story short, I'm really, really, really not doing okay, in any form. lets break it down to the good ole trope of threes shall we? physically, mentally, and socially.

...

physically, ive never really had consistent and daily life inhibiting issues. broken bones sure but nothing chronic like this awfully harsh case of crohns. when the diagnosis came through, a lot of things clicked into place as to why x y and z things have been happening. What made it all fall apart is how aggressively persistent its "spread" and became more and more symptomatic despite the supposed early catch diagnosis. went from mild steroid pills to at home biologic shots all the way to the current three times a week hospital visit for infusions and talk about possible chemo therapy.. in less than a 3 year span. in the past 5 years theres not been a day without some kind of physical pain of some sort, and just as anyone can easily guess, it gets really old really quickly. and then you get use to it, then it gets worse, then it gets old and you get the idea. as soon as you get to manageable it has to change, so far its only been change for the worse. it keeps getting worse but the worst of it all is that I know ive exhausted all of my options for now, especially for dealing with this bloating, bleeding, bile and pain. the help of it all has been menial at best, non existent at worse. which leads to...

I have an inevitable resectioning surgery that needs to happen this year, and another highly possible one for '19. its exactly what it sounds like, take out a chunk of the bowl and fix it the two ends back together. I can go on and on about how my insurance isnt going to do me much good on this $20k endeavour, how a permanent stoma has a 50/50 chance of being a necessity, how I'll be bed ridden for upwards of two months with no non medical visitors, how I'll more than likely be fired from my job. "whatever" and other varieties of poor humor is how im coping with all of this at the moment.. whatever.

...

mentally, well. let me throw up a quote from failsafe, a destiny 2 AI character, "... ugh. I'm a mess." followed by "we know, failsafe. we know," -cayde6. as i hope its comically implied, this is old news.. way old news. with that said, i have had much more practice at dealing with the mental stuff.. actually a bit too much practice. being pushed into high functionality has its pros and cons. like being high functioning is the good pro, i can act in everyday life and be independent, which i will never ever take for granted. it also made me fiercely logical AND a sensitive empath, and that these are capitalized on the upswings of these mental illnesses. the cons are completely loosing sense of yourself by promptly throwing it away and being replaced by carefully chosen memorized scripts for each possible interaction and each iteration of these interactions (except for the ones you dont prepare for, which you dont talk about.. literally). this has on one hand allowed me to survive, and with the other simultaneously loadand shoot the gun that I can now recognize as irrevocable self destruction & degradation.

as i write this, i just kind of realized that depression is actually the first daily life inhibiting issue. hind sight is far too clear and bright to look back on right now and I keep hoping later down the line when the distance helps shade my eyes but I believe for now that's a catch 22 I'll continue to loop in just because its comfortable not to change.. that comfort is inherently a deep root of my mental issue tree, with the trunk as myself, and big brances and leafs as high functionality. most others tell me im too beautiful to be chopped down, when in my reality I know Im merely seeing how many rings I can grow before timber.

...

socially, you know I always thought if I didnt have others to be around then social issues wouldnt exist for me. the logic here had failed me so exponentially worse than any other assumption that I'm still reeling from its initial conception. burning misanthropy created by skewed experiences and a vehement need for self protection really brought me to my knees, reguardless that I was far too jaded and proud to see otherwise. interestingly enough it also lead me to early self discovery, which has been convenient. having a steady knowledge of how to manipulate & control myself really helped keep everything together. allowed me to act and extend myself as an all in one captain and crew.

now I just feel gross, isolated, lonely, and somehow also deserving these feelings. i am aware i brought this upon myself, but remember what i said above about hindsight. making friends and connections are hard, living in a fundamentally & culturally different area 1500 miles away from (the "hometown") has helped none. i have never before been so unsure of myself, so less confident. its exasperated a lot of anger because i feel like ive been swindled. my pattern has always been the bigger the change in my life the better the outcome, and that I thrive on and rely on this change. I dont want to say ive never been so wrong. my patterns are rarely wrong because of the effort put into finding them.

one thing ive thought for as long as I can possibly remember is that I wouldnt live to see past the age of 20. in many ways, that became my self fulfilling prophecy. in many ways, its true that i didnt live to see past 20. Im sitting here hoping its only hibernation and not death.

#personal