#ive never really made things like this before so idk

[ooctlt]

I think the etiquette of ask blogs is a forgotten art. what I'm saying is (imo) it's not that people don't want to play, it is they don't know HOW, and more importantly they don't understand that the game exists to begin with. obviously you do not have to teach people the rules because your time and energy is finite but idk. it feels like from some of your OOC responses that you assume people know the rules and are playing badly, but I genuinely think people (me) just don't know what you are wanting them (us) to do. and also they (i) don't know how to tell if they (i) are playing the game correctly.

An example I am genuinely confused about is, is inciting a "shut up" answer a signal that the game is being played correctly, because we are inciting a reaction from the character? or is a "shut up" answer a signal that we are playing wrong and need to do something different? I'm sorry. I really love your art and seeing the story unfold but I'm confused and I want to play and I don't understand how.

yeah ive had a couple people tell me this has been the first active askblog in a while and the concept of askblog etiquette has been forgotten- @thatneoncrisis and i made a diagram:

link to full-res image

a "shut up" reaction will hopefully show whether or not it's a closed path of exploration: if you have gideon sweating, going "pshhh its nothinggg" it means there is something worth exploring. if you have harrow slamming the door in your face, that is an advance that wont work on her

transcript under the readmore:

DEAD END QUESTION ANON: CAMILLA DO YOU THINK HARROW'S HOT?

"Please stop talking to me."

This question is BAD because it's BLUNT, INCREDIBLY PERSONAL and founded on INCOMPLETE KNOWLEDGE of their relationship.

NOTE that its not that shitty questions will NEVER be answered, its that 1) they have a LOWER chance of being answered and 2) they have a HIGHER chance of being made fun of in character

gideon: haha who thinks harrow is HOT

DECENT INCONSEQUENTIAL QUESTION ANON: CAMILLA DO YOU LIKE TO DO ANYTHING FUN WITH HARROW?

"Sure. We run a lot of errands together."

This kind of question may not advance the plot, as it is INCREDIBLY BROAD yet NONINVASIVE. They're good for quick 1-3 panel answers. May generally be met with a less EXCITING answer.

It might also be DIFFICULT TO ANSWER because a broad question could include MULTIPLE ANSWERS - asking "do you guys go out" could not be answered SUSTAINABLY, because i cannot draw all the places they visit

ANON: EVERYONE, WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CLOUD / WATER / MOLECULAR STRUCTURE / BONE / CAR / COFFEE BRAND/ BOOK CHARACTER?

me: "i have to do so much research"

NEAT QUESTION CAMILLA HAS HARROW EVER ASKED YOU TO DO SOMETHING WITH HER SHE WAS EXCITED ABOUT?

"Yes, actually. She once invited me to [REDACTED], I didn't know she liked that sort of thing."

This question is SICK AS FUCK because not only do you learn something SUBSTANTIAL about the characters, you have stumbled upon A NEW PLOT BRANCH, one that actively deepens character connections and their past within the world. It specifically remarks upon a MEMORY* rather than AN OPINION and will typically be LONGER.

Another good option is to PROMPT something following this:

ANON: CAMILLA, MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY TAKING HARROW OUT TO DO [REDACTED] THAT SHE LIKES BEFORE XYZ?

and this can then spiral onward…

*DM, ONE TIME I ASKED ABOUT A MEMORY AND I GOT A RUDE ANSWER; WHAT DID I DO WRONG?

It's not that this topic can never be spoken about, it's about WHEN you asked it and HOW you said it, or even WHO you asked.

Some topics, like the nature of HARROW AND GIDEON'S UPBRINGING are too recent for them to talk about, it has only been TWO YEARS since they left and there are SPECIFICS about the situation that the AUDIENCE hasn't discovered yet. There are things like GIDEON'S PARENTS that she CANNOT answer because she DOESN'T KNOW and answering multiple asks with I DON'T KNOW becomes repetitive and dull for both the DM and PLAYER.

BUT! She can learn! Over time, when the time is appropriate and feels the most natural for STORY PROGESSION. Think of it like a BAD ENDING in a visual novel. You START OVER and ask a DIFFERENT QUESTION, or approach it from a DIFFERENT ANGLE. If Gideon reacts poorly to someone congratulating her leaving BAD CIRCUMSTANCES, consider talking to her about the FUTURE. Instead of trying to pry at Camilla to see if she had an INTIMATE RELATIONSHIP with Pyrrha, try to ask about other things in that period of her life, like how they met or what caused her to move out.

FINALLY, if you'd like an ask to be answered out of character, your best bet would be to goto @notedchampagne and send it there. If you'd like an ask to be answered SINCERELY or you don't want SNARK, you can specify this in the ask, but know this blog may not be your thing.

#actual ooc

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#so i survived my 1st week as a phd student. it's interesting. im not sure how i feel #the negatives are that i forgot how much stress being around people causes me. as a research assistant i was able to be on my own schedule #and go into the lab at odd hours so i never had to see anyone. but now im in classes and teaching and have a shared office #classes are tolerable stress wise so long as im sitting on an edge. i only feel a lil like im dying. teaching makes nauseous beforehand. #which is odd bc im not really worried while im doing it or before im doing it. i thibk its just that i have to interact ans i kno im a #mediocre teacher bc id rather die than do the back and forth of asking questions and u should teach interactively #i like to break down complex idea and help people with problems but i was not build to teach in classrooms. i get knocked off points when #i give class presentations bc i cant make eye contact lol. so that'll b annoying this semester. and its just so hard to function in an #office space. idk its weird like i dont even feel it that much while im there its just like a flashing *i need to leave* alarm. and then #when im alone its like a physical weight off of me. and i cant tell if thats what's draining my energy or if ive just cycled into a low #energy lul bc im just like. i wanna sleep. and for me thats always a sign that somethings wrong. i dont feel that bad mood wise but its #like there's a rock weighing me down as im trying to tread water. so those r the big negatives. the positives r that #i do enjoy being back in school. i love the structure of it. but im also self destructive abt structure so well see how it goes. but my #lab mates seem nice as does my advisor. i feel a bit bad bc ill have to learn genome stuff from the ground up. and today i was trying to #convey ideas to him like an insane person. bc i dont have enough background to talk fluidly abt my prospective project and i have a picture #of what i mean but not all the details. hopefully i made some sense. i think the idea is cool. and thats the other really positive thing. #the papers i have to read associated with this project r waaaaaaaaaay more interesting than anything i ever had to read for my masters. like #they're the types of papers i would force other ppl to read for lab meetings. so im optimistic abt not hating it by the end haha #yay for being excited abt science. but i guess thats the other thing i feel bad abt. like im interested but haven't read a lot to prep bc #i cant express how difficult dyslexia makes things but also i cant control how interested in things i get so i bassically banned myself #from reading papers im actually interested in like 3 years ago bc in retrospect i was prob going thru a hypomanic episode #and i was like reading papers abt microbes in Antarctica all day and not working on my stuff. and i just remember walking into the lab at #like 5am to trasfer alage with tears streaming down my face bc i was just like. i cant have this nice thing and b functional. it has to stop #so i just created this weird barrier in my mind where im not allowed to read fun papers. so its odd to b reading them now for work. its odd #also i was walking to my office worring abt things and then i saw some moss growinf around the edge of the sidewalk and it made me wanna cry #bc i am an extremely normal individual. i have normal feelings abt photosynthesis. but anyway yeah. its been interesting #hopefully ill stay optimistic. next week we have a orientation for new grad students. and i might have to drive like an hr away. hate that #the driving i mean. not the orientation. that should b fun #unrelated

[thehardkandy]

Travelling back home tomorrow hoping for a smooth groove

#i did have a really nice week last week but now im back to everything feeling busy #(its not really that busy) #and oh i miss being slow like idk ever since i was a literal child doing ONE excursion weekly #for an hour #always felt like such s draining burden #and tbh i would like to know why thst is because while it's easy to see as poor habit as an adult reinforcing itself #as a kid i was always made to do things. see people. #i did a summer camp every year at least during the day #i did sports i went hiking in forests #but i remember so distinctly like an age where i stopped asking my parents to try new things #because i would get so excited!!!! but then every week it would become this overwhelming presence #despite being something that i actively enjoyed #and it eventually felt so awful i was like okay no more wanting things you dont use them wisely #like ouch yeah actually that's a big one. wanting things usually wraps back #around to shame or guilt just about always #anyway how is this relevant to travelling? #it's just that i have to travel tomorrow and i have a doctors appointment Friday i have to go to in person #ive changed beds ive slept in 3 times in 5 days #and all i can say at the end of it is that even these little things are JUST enough to be on edge #to feel like im putting my hands over my ears and closing my eyes and pretend nothing bad is gonna happen #even thougu DEFINITELY something bad is going to happen #but of course it doesnt because this is all benign stuff ive done a trillion times before of no note #crazy how complicated it can be to be a person #it is why i dream of living in a small village where i am an apprentice tradesperson and i live simple house #and the house you can walk to anywhere you need to anywhere you need in an your #but no one is that urgent about anything anyway. #beautiful little place that has never actually ever existed for anyone in anytime #but i am still wanting to scream and pull my hair out just asking why why cant everything slow down and be smaller

[pepprs]

last few hours in boston :(

#purrs #conference tag #we literally just got here and now we have to go 😭💔 i havent rly felt as enriched by this conference as i have in the past (though there’s #still 2 more sessions to go to incl the closing plenary and we’re getting lunch in the station before the train ride home) but ive walked #around so much and have spent time with people i love and some people i miss. and have been on adventures i have been looking forward to for #a rly long time though i am kinda bummed i never made it down to fanueil square. but… idk what happiness feels like anymore but maybe for me #it’s just absence of misery and despair. or contented ness. i have gotten a little triggered from time to time these last few days and ive b #been lonely in my hotel room but MAN it has been nice to not be miserable and suffering and to take walks and to not go to every session (ev #even though i do feel bad abt it like i missed 2 plenaries and an afternoon concurrent session which is more than i usually miss) and to #be in this city which feels so much like brighton and so uncity like in some ways. it’s so charming and omg i went to harvard and it was #NOTHING like what i imagined it to be / feel like.. just a quaint artsy quirky town. and the rest of the places ive been have been like that #too. and people LIVE here every day!!!!! there’s a big beautiful world here both above ground and below!!!! and im gonna be late to #breakfast but… i just feel nourished and healed in a way i wasn’t expecting to. I haven’t been this far away from home in 3+ years and #it’s just been really nice being somewhere else and going on adventures and seeing things surviving. i miss my grandparents a lot and im sad #to not be visiting them and to be unable to visit them now lol but it’s just rly nice and special being here. im goingto miss it so much and #im trying to savor every second. i wish we had one more day here and im a little sad to be going home lol #* what i meant when talking about happiness earlier is that i think… i have been happy these last few days. for the first time in a really #really long one. and that’s nice. it’s good to be happy again. and good to be here

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO #i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe #n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th #ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a #utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai #ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell #like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc #then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no #food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it #harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now. #the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats #fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS. #all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY #SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf #the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther #es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much. #i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the #bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and #no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh #it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression #i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat. #im so close to snapping on them at this point #i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT #everything has gone to shit #vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.

[rosykims]

if maric theirin has a million haters then i am one of them. if maric theirin has ten haters then I am one of them. if maric theirin has only one hater then that is me. if maric theirin has no haters then that means I am no longer on earth

#i REALLY thought reading the books would make me more sympathetic to him but it actually just made me hate him so much worse lol #like before tst i was indifferent abt him. bordering on irritated if i thought abt him particularly hard #but hes actually soooooo fucking annoying and awful. im enjoying the calling more than tst so far #but every time maric's pov pops up im feeling myself aging at the speed of sound #the thing is ive never really hated ANY companion/protag in da like ever until now. honestly kind of impressive that hes so unlikeable dfjh #i think a lot of it is just gaider too but like. at least i enjoyed tst!loghain ! and genevieve is actually like a new top 10 fave DA chara #so idk. as ehh as his writing is i can appreciate his characters at least some of the time... except for Thee character <3 #maric theirin i am blowing you up with my mind #in saying that i think im gonna jump straight into tsg after this solely bc im praying on his downfall too hard to wait <3

[cappyjara]

seeing the mario movie in like an hour letsa gooooooo

#id in alt text #i can Finally stop dodging spoilers now holy shit #i may not show it but i am a mario bros stan till i die #and i apologize in advance for the person i will become if the movie is good. its gonna do Something to my brain chemistry i just know it #like ok the sonic movie right? ive mentioned how i really liked those movies before right? well #going into it i a)had little attachment to sonic aside from just thinking hes neat and b)wouldnt have been shocked if it was bad #so when it was Good i was pleasantly surprised and found a new appreciation for the series #but mario?hes my good friend. my special little guy. the short king to rule them all. you dont know How Many hours ive put into mario games #and theres already been One bad mario movie. and this ones being made by illumination. and the whole crisp rat thing(still kinda salty btw) #idk man my guy needs a w here. he needs somethin good goin for him in the film department #and while ive been dodging spoilers what ive seen so far has been fairly positive??? but that doesnt mean i cant be worried abt it #yallre lucky im not constantly blogging my every thought here or else youd never hear the end of the same 3 thoughts about mario and luigi #smb #super mario #mario movie #capital says things #my edits

[the-kneesbees]

.

#my dad made it painfully fucking clear that he hated me from the age of like 12-14 #and he always blamed it on my age #yk 'teenage girls are sooo difficult to raise' #and it took a handful of really big arguments #and countless smaller ones #for him to decide that hey maybe i actually want to have a decent relationship with my daughter #and acts like ive grown as a oerson and all our arguments before were all my fault #but now ive changed and we dont butt heads as much anymore #even though i havent really changed much at all #i just decided that my mental health was more important to me than the man who said to my face that he wishes i was never born #i changed nothing #i just decided to just say ok fine whatever you can be right if that makes you feel better #and move on #and i thought i was done with the constant arguing every fucking day #i mean we still dont gt along that well all the time but i thought i would at least be able to fucking breathe #except now my brother at that age #where hes constantly arguing with my dad #its an everyday thing #and its just been getting worse #and idk i guess im a really emotional person so anytime my dad so much as raises his voice #at literally anyone #im a fucking mess #i guess the difference between me and my brother #my brother wont cry in front in front of our dad #and he'll just let him say whatever he wants he wont protest or anything #he just says ok #but i always cry when my dad yells at me #and i also always yell back #idk which is more draining though. idk im just a mess im so tired #i thought i was done but now its gonna be like this till i move out.

[juleteinthrum]

Its been a few month since I've been out of headspace why is everything like That. /half joking

Like i knew things would be different but damn, like my arms? My hair? Even my smell is. Off. Everything is off. Its okay, i know whats going on im not disoriented or anything mostly its all surprise but im just. So this is what its actually like to not be out for a while and see things change

System stuff hits a little different sometimes

#actually plural #zims stink #fictive #invader zim #rant #osdd fictive #like. mitten is still in charge in fact shes been cocon for a week almost now? #GOOD for her when i was out before she couldnt even do that for some reason and its real nice to come back to her thriving #my relationship with kiba is firing back up bc im not a mopey bitch anymore and being in this form doesn't suck like it used to #its really nice #im getting over Cincinnati. the thought of it isnt crippling like it was last time i was out so thank you team for working with that omg #its sunny and warm and fall out and im going to a party at my uncles as a pirate im very excited #i havent dressed up in like a decade and ive never had contacts. my family is about to be introduced to me having them. #trying to think of a new name for myself #something nature and universe themed but quiet and small and about growth #something like limabean but .idk maybe bean IS perfect its mine now? it always was. but. they. made it ours. idk. #it stings still dont get me wrong the whole thing is aggravating and painful regardless of position but. #yeah i can think about it without that pit or anything

[toothmarqed]

fallen prey to saying stupid shit on the internet without thinking and coming off as incredibly rude and insensitive. i feel sick to my stomach. never commenting on anything else ever again. deserve to be squashed under someone’s shoe and ground into powder. in all seriousness this has shocked me so much that i am quitting every platform but tumblr for however long it takes for me to get some sense knocked into my dumb fucking skull

#actually considering deleting the clock app rn #what i said was so so bad and it could’ve been avoided if i’d fucking READ WHAT I WROTE and thought abt it FOR ONE GODDAMN MINUTE #i genuinely feel like i’m going to throw up being seen (fairly. justifiably) as mean is like the worst thing #and i don’t deserve to be wining abt this bc i’m the one who hurt someone but good god #PLEASE make sure that when you say something online you would SAY IT TO THEIR FACE #ive gotten to used to this brusque rude dark humor on the internet that i don’t relaizw using that humor INDISCRIMINATELY WITH STRANGERS is #Not okay #they made a video on it but the video got taken down so i deleted the comment. which might have been more selfish. i don’t know what’s best #-to do in that situation? i’m going to change my fucking username and pfp atp and go off the app entirely because i’m so fucking adhd ames #**ashamed don’t know why is autocorrected to that #ok just deleted the app ‘and all of its data’ so idk if that means my videos (edits) too but atp whatever #maybe it’s impulsive but at least this way i will not know what’s going on ! and never hurt anyone again hopefully. i really hope he saw my #-comments before his response was deleted because i want them to know it was not intentional and i am truly so so sorry #i don’t know how i’m going to function for the rest of the day. i’m going to think about this when i go to sleep for the rest of my life #i feel sick #i’m evil #and being evil isn’t fun silly times it literally makes me want to throw up from how bad i am #too much ranting in the tags and i deserve to be fucking shot in the mouth #but i need somewhere to put this that no one will see this but that is also public so that someone might see and know how sorry i am #feel like fucking bojack horseman #unironically how am i supposed to go on living. how can i live knowing i’m so bad. if i don’t kill myself im being selfish because i’m mak- #-omg everyone deal with my presence and live with a bad person. #i think i’m going too social media entirely except for tumblr maybe bc i can’t or don’t rly talk to anyone on here #i need someone to like give me a good meaning but not in a cathartic way in a way that it genuinely hurts so bad and makes me feel the full #suffering i deserve

[llapdog]

gih hit 175 notes, which is cool. thats like... alot more than i ever expected. its pretty close to 17,000 views, too, which i think is counting how many times every page has been visited so its pretty massively overinflated but like, still... lots of people seeing it. idk. i have thoughts. but its cool.

#bedroom #gih #im not even particularly popular. its an indie project that hasnt even gotten any fanart. ive made things that got fanart before. and yet #idk. feels. so weird #so much weirder than my past works popularity did #but i guess i only ever helped out. i was never like #the one who made the thing #plus i was liiiiike #13? #so. #theres that #i forgot that it totally did get fanart. that i actually really enjoyed #but still #it feels so different

[suesylvesterf]

I've got two months to finalise my decision to study in England next year, and I've been looking forward to studying abroad for literal years but now I'm 😨

#is it stupid to worry about life here in aus passing whilst I'm like. out of it #pros of going overseas is i get to see my bestie! i get to see a whole new country! #cons are: there are people I'll miss here :( ik its only for a few months but a lot can happen in a few months #but I've wanted this for years. like studying abroad has always been my plan and I feel like its silly to just Not Go because ive made #stuff complicated in my brain #it would be a chance to meet new people as well! #and I've been looking for a chance to run away from things so this could be that also... idk. idk! #if I go it would probably give me the chance to get my mind off of [redacted] BUT I don't know if I want to get my mind off of [redacted] #idk! suddenly two months does not seem like a very long time #but! but! going overseas would give me the chance to travel around a little bit.. could do a trip to n ireland to scotland to wales which #would be fun as #and again like I said i get to see the bestie #I've never lived alone before and I think I would really like the chance to as well but I'm very close with my family so idk how I'd go #that long without seeing them :( #ik ive been mega vague but if any1 has any advice or just anything feel free 2 tell me #personal

[killmebythebeach]

So was anyone gonna tell me that s5 is so unbelievably sad or was I supposed to find that out myself.

#like obviously i knew itd be sad but im two episodes in and ive heard tim for the first time in 40 eps and sasha for 120 #and gerry. ze boi. i didnt even realize it was him till the comics. why does he read like a teen protag in a ghost hunting story. #the leitner jumpscare to. sir. half the people in the institute would kill you on sight please go back to the tunnels. #elias being weird at jons birthday for no reason. like. i swear he wasnt that strange before the pipe murder dropping stuff for no reason? #'i like to keep an EYE on these things' sir with all due respect (none) shut the fuck up?! #idk why but tim and sasha talking like that just makes me so sad. of course its understandable for them to be frustrated #but also its not jons fault jonah chose him cuz he was traumatized by a spider book :( id be angry if i was sasha though #its also funny cuz i thought tim/sasha was a pyre fandom thing. no. tim literally calls it a 'will they wont they'. hes like a sitcom #gurtrude recording that tape to sasha basically lmaoooo #and i saw someone point this out in the comments but. gertrude keeping the place messy might have killed people. #not having easy access to information that could have saved them. such as her tape. ough #one thing i missed about tim in s3 is the charm. of course he was angry at. everything but it was heartbreaking to see tim change #so the tapes really made me just yearn for the like. two times tim was there in s1. #also the fact sasha knew about tims brother. and martins application. and that tim knew too. #i never really understood the fandom 'expert hacker' sasha but i think i get it now #i cant even remember if she hacked anything in s1. feels like so long ago even though i havent even been listening for 2 months #on that note martin and jon are going over to kill elias woo! #martin: hey this house is evil we should butn it #jon: nah. theres a lot of evil #holy fuck i forgot how stupid these characters can be sometimes. like even if you think it wont wotk just try? hello? #sasha calling gertrude a bitch is giving me life. yeah. she sure was. idc what she did she put micheal in the distortion #but im still so just. distraught by how somber the tone is. even with the s1 crew goofing around its just so. oof. #the funny quippy s1 crew cutting off to jon trembling alone in a corner does wonders for the tone #martin really went: i found the tea lets get this bread #king shit honestly. go get that bread and kill elias and stop the apocolypse or somethung. idk the goal of the season yet #like s1 focused on prentiss. 2 on stranger. 3 on the unknowing and elias. 4 on extinction and peter. im excited to see what 5 is #i dont even think weve met her but gertrude mentioning agnes. mwah. love you baby. doing great. shouldve gotten a coffeshop au. #sigh. statement ends #the magnus archives spoilers #the magnus archives

[pizzapizzadickz]

Haaah. If yesterday is anything to base things off of I shouldnt use my headphones today bc my neck is fucked.

#friends #diary #personal #i had too much caffine yesterday i think and it felt like i was just high all day. it was horrible. i hated it. #seriously tho my neck pain made it so hard to sleep. and im so fucking tired. #ahhh im so fucking tired all the fucking time nowadays #mn. my dream tho was rly nice. yknow. in dreams its so nice bc i dont worry about the way things go or anything. #all social interaction there feels so natural and calm. its like reading a book sometimes even. it happens #or maybe even watching an anime? i never feel involved and i love it. #as soon as i exist outside of my home tho it feels so surreal to me... i just blatantly dont belong. #i feel awkward n out of place and worry that im doing something strange. and ive just given up really yeah? #when i went to high school i was always so exhausted at school. i couldnt do any work in class and i never could rly explain why. #during class i could sometimes. but i found it so hard to work. i always did. idk. i never did what i was supposed to and i got good grades #...highschool was so hard. its odd to think of it so long ago now? its odd to think i started using tumblr then. or before then? #ive tried so hard to make friends in the past. and ive given up now rly. im fine with what ive got. but anything new... #im just tired. its tiring. everything is. its so painful to think where i could be if everything wasnt so hard always... #im 23... and most of my energy is spent on barely being alive. im tired. so tired of this. #haah. i wish i could live by myself in a lil cottage. wish i could just. exist in a place and feel at ease. #rather than rn. #...ive lost so many over the last few years huh. i dont think it was bad tbh. #ive always felt like im playing at making friends. #trying to do what others expect. or trying desprately to be friends with someone. #but. in the end i dont think that was the best way. i like now better tbh. #these odd. sometimes strangely distant friendships i have. but theyre so much more fun? #rather than anxiously trying so hard. its much more fun to just be. #somehow. i think these ones are longer than my longest? #one way or another. these are better. i feel so much more calm and at ease. #god. just thinking about others is terrifying. #i think everytime i just get overstimulated for someone else. and while thats fine and dandy no one ever understood #eventually if i hang out with other ill get to a point i just cant anymore

[myownprivatcidaho]

yes sort of but obviously you're the only one who can define that or not

NO WAIT HANG ON yes sort of.obviouslg what hang on HANG ON pls does it seem like im in l**e

#ough. #idk man like . #you have some weird ass unrelenting connection with someone and it Does Not Die and it never lets up #and no matter what happens or whatever the two of yall do no matter how long yall are apart or how much yall are determined to not do #anything about it #no matter if yall are determined to be friends or strangers or friends who act just a bit friendlier than friends in your own personal #inside friend type of way #yallre just Drawn to each others side like theres something literally magnetic between yall & you cant help but enjoy them jn any capacity #like just that Connection yk. it doesnt force you to do anything. its just there and it draws you to be right next to each other #and its like bothve you could be content just being next to each other. like their presence is enough for you independent of what you can #get from them. #like. sure there are particular circumstances that made it so yall could never take that further or go anywhere with that #but imagine just being so UMPHGH over this person for nearly a year out of your life. and its magnetic for them too #its as if you two could be content with not going further so long as you know yall can have those small moments #tucked away in your own little space in your own little language that yall created together #IMAGINE that. like its not a crush. i Like him but that connection as spinned out some sort of. CREATION its not really anything you canput #a name to. but its like. it doesnt even matter. like it just organically happened like the most natural thing in the world #like atp. even if its not romance its just NATURE. and yeah im waxing poetic and YEAH im biased #and maybe ive never admitted before that i think just because of this. NATURE if we were to see each other again years down the road i have #no doubt this could be rekindled. if it ever dies. #god. yeah im biased here YEAH ik. but its. like.theres something thats been organically spun and i cant deny that. it doesnt have a name #its more conscious and active than liking and just feelings and i. cant call it.loving. i just cant. but theres something THERE and its #driving me nuts. i just WISH we could talk this out. and atp like. i dunno. the way he looks at me . #its hard to believe hes just a lust driven jackass. even though THAT would be more comforting at this rate. #just. i dunno #anonymous #archived.crush #tell ya one thing though. films where theres an initial connection and then misunderstandings and mistakes and then eventual rekindlings #brighter than ever (see p&p/before trilogy/when harry met sally/etc) have been driving me CRAZY recently