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#ive only known this specific friend for barely over 3 years
iknowyuu · 1 year
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Hiii!!! I hope you’re having a good day<3 I saw that ur requests were open and i was wondering if you could write like an Angsty/ soft comfort for sieun x reader (preferably he/they pronouns) where you show up at his house out of nowhere with bruises and everything after being kicked down by a gang (prob the bullies💔) and he just lets u in and patches you up gently 🫶🏼🫶🏼
not your fault
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kdrama! sieun x reader
// read req!
tags: ANGST OMG. ANGST ANGST ANGST. lots of crying, mentions of fights, mentions of blood and open wounds (brief and not graphic)
note: anon you are brilliant !! ive been getting a lot of reqs like this lately i hope theyre not too similar 😭 HOPE YOU GUYS ENJOY &lt;3
sieun was fuming.
it was not because of his grades, not because of one of the jerks who tried to beat up him and his friends, not even because of his parents. it was because of you.
well, more specifically what he saw on you.
when he saw you through the peephole of his apartment, showing up unannounced, he hadn't thought much of it, especially because it was a very frequent occurrence for him. but as he opened the door and noticed your injury decorated skin, his mood quickly dropped.
his first words to you were "who did this to you?" in the most serious, shiver-inducing tone- out of all the years you've known his gentle but stern timbre, you'd never heard this from him.
you just shook your head, not wanting to talk about it at the moment. he accepted- only for now. you stepped inside and slipped off your shoes, stepping into the designated slippers he had for you.
you followed him into the parlor, "sit here," he pointed to the couch, and you obliged. he walked into his room, coming out shortly after, this time with a first aid kit.
there have been many times where you've had to clean him up after a fight, most notably the one he had before he switched schools. you were horrified with all the wounds he had, and his tears not only stung his open lacerations, but your heart as well. no amount of hugging or attempts to kiss his tears away could help with the grief he felt over his friend in the hospital.
even though the two of you no longer go to the same school, not much changed. you still visited him almost daily (now opting to arrive and leave later since it took him a while to get home from school), still engaging in the usual schedule of study, relax, rant about your day and how much you missed having him as your seatmate, and occasionally exchange butterfly-inciting language, kisses following not long after.
but obviously, this time was different.
sieun stood close to you, gently patting the bloody wound at the top of your eyebrow with the disinfectant-soaked cotton ball. he turned around to grab a bandage and placed it there. he continued to work on you, and you zoned out under the touch of his soft fingers.
minutes passed and you suddenly felt something wet fall onto your forehead- you assumed it was rubbing alcohol. "sorry," he mumbled. you glanced up at him, ready to tell him it was okay, but when you noticed what he was doing, you did a double take, your heart dropping to your stomach. his hands were shaking violently, face scrunched up in gut-wrenching despair as tears streamed freely down his face.
"sieun!" you spoke, barely above a whisper. it was the only thing you could say, being so shocked. "i'm sorry. i wasn't there to protect you." he spoke quietly, covering his face with his elbow sleeve, shoulders shaking with anguish. you gently tugged his shirt down to sit next to you, "no, no, sieun," you pulled his elbow from his eyes watching as he avoided eye contact by looking down towards his lap. "sieun.. please don't blame yourself." you cupped his cheek and turned his head upwards, watching as he finally looked into your eyes, "it's not your fault, okay? it's not your fault. none of this was ever your fault. stop blaming yourself for everything. it's not your fault." you pulled him into a hug and felt him immediately reciprocate, still shaking.
you sat there with him for minutes before he finally calmed down. his breathing still hitched every once in a while, and before you pulled away, you wiped the tears from your own face. cupping his cheeks, you smiled for the first time in hours in response to the way he subtly leaned into your touch. "i love you, okay?" he nodded and you pulled him in for a sweet kiss.
you didn't go home that night. instead, you slept with him in your arms, gently combing his hair with your fingers. his soft snores were like a lullaby to you, bringing you joy and relaxation.
taglist (send an ask to be added!): @brxght-world @karyuliee @kkaesslovr @qtaisuu
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olivieraa · 3 months
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I went to bed really upset last night
I think there was a variety of factors that made me into a bit of an emotional mess after finishing attack on titan
Its like "its just an anime" or "its just a show"
Firstly, it was the anime/show that's been in my life the longest. 2013-2023. I associate a lot of my tumblr posts with the show. I called any character Kaji Yuki voiced in any other anime 'Eren' for fun. My time watching the first season is so vivid to me. I remember so much about analysing this show, and talking about it with friends.
Secondly, due to my OCD, the O stands for obsessive, and that connects to a lot of things, but its extremely hard to get me out of my Obsessive mode. I actually planned to make this rewatch last a couple of months. I was like "ah yeah Ive seen season 1 three or four times so its not gonna be that entertaining watching it again, I'll try watch a few a day". ...That didn't happen. I dont know why or how, but season 1 felt v different to me. I still got chills, I still got shocked when something happened, I would finish an ep and have the urge to scream from the adrenaline that went through me when something intense happened before a cliffhanger, almost as if I didnt know what was gonna happen next.
The reason I put off watching the show immediately after it ended is bc I'm aware this happens to me and its hard to get out of it. In my head I thought my obsessive nature wouldn't come around until I got to season 3 which I hadn't seen before and I thought I'd get to season 3 by mid-January. But from the absolute get-go, it kicked in, and from 7pm on the 21st of Dec to 4am on 26th of Dec, I binged the absolute fuck out of the show, taking breaks to do essential things like eat and shower. I barely slept.
So needless to say, I've only just come back to reality.
Third, I'm emotional af. Stories impact me on a really high scale, and I start to get stomach aches and chest pains bc of it. Esp if the story is magnificent. I finished that show last night and when I saw "The end", I was still crying, I hurt all over, and I just happened to be lucky that a friend who has seen it (and shockingly, doesn't watch anime) replied back to me and we talked about for a little bit. It helped to rant it out a bit but my sleep deprivation caused me to make so many typos and I officially had to sleep, which was hard, due to the chest pains.
And fourth, I believe what I just watched was perfection. To ever rewatch the show again, I'll see everything differently. Everything. The first 5 seconds of the show will be different. And when I'd had that realisation, I started crying again.
Like, I'm thinking of moments in the show that are literally just "characters swinging around and slashing titans" which is what the show was first known for, and now I'll be thinking "holy shit, these scenes have a bigger significance than you realise".
And for a show that's not about romance, the romantic tragedy that ties it all together, is what got me more than anything.
If this show gave off a vibe that the creator never knew where he was going with it, then I dont think it would be as impactful. As someone who loves Stranger Things, not everything ties up perfectly. And maybe the creators had an idea of their ending and then had to figure out how to get there, but it doesn't show. I've a feeling that by the end of that show, I'll be thinking that they ran through different drafts for their ending and finally settled on one and brought back a few tiny moments from the other seasons that ties it in and boom, done.
But almost every moment of attack on titan comes full circle, to the extreme point that I believe he wrote this whole thing out, almost every millimetre of it, and then released it at a specific pace up until recent years, and then obviously the anime adapted it. Yes he could have made slight changes along the way like "I originally wanted this character to say this line but changed it to this character cause it was more fitting" or something like that, but nothing that would really change anything about the direction he was heading with it.
Do I regret binging it? Yes, bc I have loads to do that I now have get stuck into with v little breaks (SnK was SUPPOSED to be my breaks), but also, mainly, bc I felt like I was there. Like when you're away from home for a month and you come back and everything feels weird and sorta wrong. So that's a learning lesson to myself. Never binge again.
Last time I did that was with Succession, but I'm just lucky that Obsessive mode kicked in about 20 eps in (so the first 20 I watched one a day), and so when Obsessive mode came in, it was for the second set of 20 episodes).
Unlike SnK where I watched almost 100 eps in 5 days :')))
Anway, I'll be thinking about this fucking show for a while, especially Eren. Especially Eren. He's just too complex, and I like to analyse, and that's some long analysation.
Also Mikasa and Levi impacted me too (Hange is my girl tho).
Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaah, I'm glad I wrote this out. My thoughts are going through my head way too fast for my typing to keep up so I've had to slow down my thoughts and so my breathing is a little better this time around lmao
I'ma miss this show, and I look forward to the day I rewatch it and take every speckle of the show in again. Knowing my ass, it'll be on my next break which is sooner than I'd like it to be, cause I know what my addictive obsessive ass is like. Ugh, I'm a wreck
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zombiesama · 3 years
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God I am really the worst at emotion shit. Especially when I'm just. Put on the spot.
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cadykeus-clay · 3 years
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Would you mind sharing your thoughts about vex and Beau being cross campaign foils?
so!!!! first things first: apologies for taking weeks to answer this, finals + having adhd sometimes makes my brain turn to mush and forget every ask ive ever recieved. second of all, i’m assuming you sent me this bc of what i said in my vm vs. m9 how they view the world meta. and i’ll be real with you. i have exactly 0 memory of what was going through my head when i wrote that line, so i am simply going to type out a bunch of thoughts that i have on the similarities and differences between beau and vex and i hope that lives up to what you were expecting jsdflksjdksld
I'll detail some specifics in a moment, but overall, I think beau and vex share a very similar kind of trauma of exclusion in their formative years, that's caused them to have a lot of similar traits that manifest in different ways - for vex, she maintains control through her material posessions and beau finds an emotional control in her asshole-ness. I've broken this down into 5 points on which I think comparing the two really emphasizes that claim:
1. daddy issues: both beau and vex have awful no good terrible very bad dads. both syldor and thoreau can suck my ass. they both raised their kids with little love and impossible-to-meet expectations, alientating them and leaving them with lifelong feelings of inferiority and unbelonging. If beau and vex were to meet, i think they would have a very friendly toast to shitty dads, and then have a good drunk vent about it an hour later.
but, at the same time, the actual minutae of their trauma and the ways it manifests are nearly polar opposites. syldor wanted nothing to do with vex, or else wanted her to somehow become a full elf. her issue was that she would never be able to belong, despite her desire to, and as she grew up it lead to her being overly protective and even possessive of the people she found who DID accept her as she was. 
With beau, rather than exclusion, her father created an environment of toxic inclusion. He created a role for beau to belong in, disregarding her distate for actually fulfilling it. And, as such, she ended up making herself into someone who could have no expectations and pushed away anyone who tried to set them up for her. In the end, they both came to love themselves by abandoning the woman their father wanted them to be but for vex it was the laying down of an impossible dream and for beau it was the picking up of a mantle she had feared to wear.
2. brothers: now, on the topic of family, I also think its really interesting how their interactions with their brothers play out. We've got vex and vax, tied at the hip til the very end and then some; and then we've got beau and TJ - decades apart and with beau barely acknolwedging TJ's existence. But, even that distance between beau and TJ didn't stop her caring for him when they actually met. She gave him lucky Jade, and she entertained the idea of kidnapping him to get him away from her stinko dad. 
And I'd espeically like to talk about what she said outside the hag's hut - "I think Luc and TJ could be best friends", in comparison to the way Vex reacted when Vax told her was going to Zephrah with Keyleth for the year break. There's an aspect to the way they interact with their brothers that lets them slip back into those bad habits they formed growing up (NOT that i'm claiming vex and vax were like toxic for each other. but even good relationships can have unhealthy moments). 
With Beau, when she offers to give her happiness so TJ can grow up safe, she's trying to take on the role she's ""supposed"" to fill - the big sister, the protector - because she failed to fill the one her father set out. And with Vex, when she grows jealous of Vax, it's because she's afraid that his leaving with keyleth is a sign that she no longer belongs in his inner circle, and she falls back on that childish, desperate desire to do anything to be accepted unconditionally. 
3. romance: spoilers for 5 or so most recent m9 eps (115-120)  if you haven't watched them ahead!!!! at this point, both vex and beau have an endgame romance - percy and yasha respectively. Obviously as the m9's campaign is still playing out, that could change, but like. yasha wrote her a love letter and they're officially going on a date so i'm counting that as at least endgame-track rather than just random flirting. What's interesting to me is that they both seem to flip between the SAME roles between their (in-game) general perception and their actual pursual of romance. 
Vex gets characterized as a pretty big flirt, right? She's got the winks, the casual "darling". She's flashed grog her boobs on multiple instances with little prompting. Beau, similarly, has easily the most game out of anyone in the m9. She's slept with two guest characters and at least one more npc in the events of the game. Caleb made her a fuck mirror in her room in the mansion. And yet, in both of their actual romantic endeavors, they became the shy, uncertain type. 
Vex only confessed her feelings when Percy was laying dead before her, and not an hour of game play before percy kissed her in the woods, she had a talk with vax about how she was pretty sure he didn't like her that way and she didn't want to pursue it. Beau, similarly, spent a very long time convinced that yasha wasn't looking for love after zuala, especially not in anyone like her, asked everyone in the party if they thought yasha ACTUALLY liked her, just to be safe, and then still terrified to ask her out after recieving a literal love letter. I'd argue this shift comes from that same sense of unbelonging - they're very good at pretending they fit a role but doubt their actual right to take it when the opportunity is presented. This time, the role is the lover rather than the daughter.
4. authority: Both vex and beau grew up shunned by the upper crust of society, and grew to mistrust those kinds of people. And yet, both of their arcs result in them assuming such a position. Vex, thrown out of high society gets her place as a baronness, and Beau, running from leadership of her father's business ends up a top member of the Cobalt Soul. There's not a lot here, but I find it interesting how both of their stories involve them shedding their baggage regarding authority and power and assuming it in a way that they feel comfortable in - invitation by someone she trusts for vex, and a promise of freedom of will and control for beau.
5. their deadliest sins: this is the point at which their similarities culminate and transform to a fundamental difference. despite everything they share - shitty childhoods, the small piece of family that's still good, flirtiness masking shy love, and a mistrust of those in power - vex and beau are such different characters because of their biggest vices. Vex, both in game and out, is "the greedy one". She's stingy with money, she haggles for everything, she mourns the loss of physical objects. Beau is "the mean one". She cares little for people's feelings if they're not in her immediate circle, she focuses on her tough guy image, she laughs at things she knows she shouldn't. 
And, over the course of the campaign, as they find unconditional acceptance, they grow away from these traits (I won't say they grow out of them) because they heal from the things causing these vices to begin with. I've always been vocal about vex's greed being a manifestation of her class insecurity, and beau's asshole-ness stemming from her fear of being forced back into another position of complacency. And I stand by that now - all the similarities in their backstories are what tally up to these different women.
Despite her careful tally of party funds and her reflexive bargaining, vex is not cruel. she is not angry on her own behalf. She saves two boys from the market in the city of brass at great personal cost, she relinquishes an entire dragon's hoard to the devastated city of Westruun, she took the time to save a baby bear from a cage when she could have just cut and run after escaping her own. She's the first one most people go to when they need a shoulder to cry on, and she's devastated when they don't (thinkin about when Scanlan left). She carved "forgiveness" into the bow she stole from a man after killing him by proclaiming how much she loved someone, because she knew anger had no place in her heart.
And Beau, Beau is a bitch and she's harsh, but she doesn't hoard or protect like vex did. she spends her money without much of a second thought. She pitches in to help her friends buy a ton of glowsticks, and she loves to indulge in material desires like drink and good food and the nicer inn room. She's a member of an organization that's about making knowledge public rather than guarding it. And, though this may be controversial, I think her position with bowlgate of "its not our problem what cali wants to do with it", her long-standing mistrust of their alliance with the bright queen and  and more recently with the tomb takers of "i want to go in and talk, rather than assuming they're antagonistic, even if it puts us at a disadvantage" are both examples of this non-possessiveness too - she has no need or desire to get involved in controlling what other people are doing.
so, i guess the general conclusion here is: vex struggles to let go of things, of money, of people. beau struggles to let herself be known in case she gets wrongly interpreted again. they both fight feelings of inadequacy, they both fight the feelings of not belonging, of 'doing it wrong', they fight the perception of them as shitty people because of the shells they hide in despite their absolute hearts of gold.  but at the end of the day, vex's story is one of having to lay down what could never be hers so she can carry what is, and beau's story is one of allowing herself to be known so a place can be made for her.
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otterplusharchive · 3 years
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rey! do you have any recs for kdramas? i have never watched any, but i like lovable characters and romance ? thank you in advance!
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I DO IN FACT HAVE DRAMA RECS HII not all of these will be kdramas, but ill start with the kdramas ive watched and enjoyed and ill include all the warnings for them that i can remember off the top of my head and a brief synopsis for u!
kdramas-
1. weight lifting fairy kim bok joo
this was probably one of the first kdramas i saw people post about in like 2015 and i watched a little bit of it in 2016 but then only just got around to finishing it last year. the basic gist of it is its about a young sports college weight lifter, kim bok joo, centering around her navigating through her life and trying to figure out who she is and what she wants in life and what she wants to be. her romantic interest in the show is a swimmer and they have a sort of rivals to friends to lovers, he is SO in love with her and its adorable. i absolutely loved the side characters in this show theyre all so fun and kim bok joos best friends and weight lifting team are especially delightful. my main warning would be that this show addresses eating disorders and theres a lot of mention of both weight gain and weight loss, theres also a plot point early on where kim bok joo has a crush on her eventual love interests older brother but it gets resolved and the older brother literally goes "i didnt realize you had a crush on me and if i knew that i wouldnt have been so friendly with you, it would be completely innapropriate for us to be in a relationship". overall its a really sweet and emotional fun show but if you have issues with weight talk id skip this one
2. tale of the nine tailed
this one is really recent from last year and i didnt expect to be so hooked by it but boy howdy did i get attached to all the characters and the wild plot. it feels hard to explain the plot but basically a nine tailed fox named lee yeon is living in modern day seoul and is working for the underworld finding paranormal spirits/creatures/other rogue foxes that are causing havoc on the world, hes resigned himself to living this life while waiting for his girlfriend who died tragically 600 years ago to come back to life because he traded his status as a mountain god in order to ensure that her soul would one day be reincarnated. a plucky investigative journalist named nam ji ah figures out that hes not human and shenanagins ensue because she looks exactly like his dead girlfriend oooooo whatll happen. the plot beyond that gets really wild and its hard to explain and is easier to just watch. if u enjoy paranormal adventures this one is good. my one big complaint and issue with this is that the immortal mountain spirit meets his original girlfriend when shes a child and she continues to visit him off and on as she grows up which is Hm I Dont Like That! but thankfully the present time romance our female lead meets him when shes about 30 if im remembering right. also warnings for general fantasy violence, references to child abuse, animal death, and abandonment issues
3. extraordinary you
HUGE unreality warning for this. if you have issues with feeling unreal or have paranoia/delusions about not being a real person id avoid this one just because of its premise
ok i know i said tale of the nine tailed was a hard plot to explain but BOY extraordinary you is even HARDER to explain. because its so wild but so good. its about a girl who realizes that she is literally a side character in a comic book, and the story becomes her trying to change the story to save her character from dying but it becomes a lot more than that. the romance in this is literally tooth achingly sweet and the show itself is very pretty, i loved the side characters in this one and the show was engaging and interesting to watch it became really layered and meta. super reccomend this one honestly. my main issues/warnings that i can remember off the top of my head were just one character being the classic controlling boyfriend stereotype, bullying someone specifically for being poor, unreality like i mentioned before, and then at the very end there was this love interest for a side character who got reincarnated from a past piece of writing that they had been in and put in the comic but she was a student and he was the school cook which is weird but thankfully they like barely interact at all and theres no real romance he just like recognizes her and its barely a thing at the end of the show but its still weird
4. mystic pop up bar
big warning for suicide, sexual harrasment (which is framed as being bad and the guy whos harrassing the girl literally gets thrown off a roof)
i havent finished this one yet and thats mainly because im not emotionally ready because this one makes me soooo emotional. if you like found family this is a good one. its about a pop up bar run by a woman whos been tasked with solving the problems of a certain amount of people in order to atone for her crimes in the past before dying, shes able to enter the dreams of people and solve their issues using the information she gets in the dreams. paranormal shenanagins ensue, she acquires a son and a husband and it kills me its so fun and quirky and fun despite handling dark themes and peoples problems. also very sweet the found family murders me
5. kingdom (netflix original)
i literally am not going to be able to watch any other zombie media because kingdom and train to busan are the best pieces of zombie media ive ever seen. warnings for gore and violence and just general horror aspects.
i absolutely love this one its so thrilling and well done, i love the acting and the way that this show looks its absolutely gorgeous. a zombie plague breaks out in joseon period korea where the emperor has died and then was brought back to life by the queen and her father in a ploy to try and keep their family in political power, the crown prince must find answers. a lot more happens and its very dramatic and good i love the characters in this one
cdramas
1. the untamed. if you follow me and you havent watched the untamed im begging you to watch the untamed. literally one of the most beautiful stories ive experienced in my life i am not joking when i say i cried multiple times over it. the main characters are canonically gay in love and have a son together please watch the untamed. handles a lot of dark themes, heres a tw guide
2. the sleuth of the ming dynasty
this is another one i havent finished but its fun so far, very gay, found family, food, and solving murder mysteries during the ming dynasty
3. hikaru no go (also known as qi hun)
havent finished this one, there is some propaganda about hong kong in the first episode but as far as i know thats the only instance of something like that in the show
this ones about the game go and so far its very sweet and fun, local boy awakens a ghost who was a master of the game of go hundreds of years ago and eventually is persuaded to learn how to play go with the aid of the ghost. im really liking this one so far its very cute and i love the characters in it. if youve watched the untamed nie huaisangs actor ji li is in this one!
4. the legend of yunqian
this ones very short and on youtube, all the episodes are about 5 minutes long and its a lesbian time travel fantasy adventure with a happy ending! funny and cute
jdramas
1. cherry magic
please please please watch cherry magic. the premise sounds very much like a weird yaoi kind of thing but trust me on this. trust me. it is so heart warming and sweet and i was so emotional about it and the growth of the main character.
adachi gains the power to read peoples minds on his 30th birthday based off a urban legend that if youre a 30 year old virgin that youll become a wizard. after gaining this power he accidentally finds out that his extremely popular and handsome coworker has a crush on him, and shenanagins ensue along with adachi having blossoming feelings in return. this show was really refreshing in a lot of ways, adachi is a main character who like.. is unsure of himself and insecure in a very kind of realistic way, he closes himself off and is afraid to reach out to people and through the course of the show we see him slowly come out of his shell and realize that hes likeable and lovable and that people want to be around him and its so nice to see. my main complaint about this show is that i dont really like the background couple, but otherwise this is a very sweet and refreshing gay romance that has a happy ending!
some others that i myself havent seen but that ive seen people talk about a lot and that i want to watch eventually:
- the legend of fei (cdrama)
- the wolf (cdrama)
- gaurdian (cdrama, not the kdrama one called goblin)
- healer (kdrama, i did watch some of this one but it was in 2016 and i never finished it so i barely remember any of it but i do remember liking it)
- nobody knows (kdrama)
- its ok to not be ok (kdrama)
sorry this is so long but i hope youll be able to find a drama u enjoy!!
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Comparing RWBY and YGO DM: The Handling and Evolution of Themes
Hey! Its been a hot minute since I last posted anything RWBY-related but Im laying in my bed right now and Im sick and bored so I guess we're doing this. Today I will do my best to analyze what I percieve to be the main themes and messages of both of these shows, or more specifically, how theyre handled narratively. Im mostly focusing on that part because, while these series do have similar themes and messaging, they are still a few things in which they are wildly different. And with that, lets start with this essay-post-thing!
1. Theres something we need to adress first
Okay so, before we can really talk about this, theres something I feel the need to clarify here: Neither of these stories was "planned from the beginning".
Now, I dont think a story being planned from the beginning or not nesscessarily makes the story any better or worse by default, however, it is still important to acknowledge because the way the story is planned is going to affect every facet of it. Things are not going to be foreshadowed properly, things are gonna be set up only for nothing to come of it, the story might drastically change directions, characters might act differently, etc, etc.
And, this is bit off-topic but, it's much better to just admit that the story was not planned than trying to pretend that it was. Like, there are a lot of reasons why I tend to be so forgiving towards YGO even though its not very good, but one of them is definitely the fact that, as far as Im aware atleast, the guy who wrote it isnt pretending to have had this big master plan all along and neither is the fandom. With RWBY on the other hand... yeaaaah, its kinda the opposite. From what Ive seen of RWBYs fandom, there seems to be this pretty popular narrative that everything was planned even though it clearly wasnt. Thats pretty bad and honestly lowers my opinion of the writers so much more than if they would just admit to not having a proper plan.
Like, I initially consumed YGO like this: Yu-Gi-Oh Duel Monsters, Yu-Gi-Oh (aka Season 0), like, a quarter of the Yu-Gi-Oh manga (I still havent finished it)
In all three of these we have the character of Yami Yuugi, or just Yami. Broadly speaking, he is an ancient egyptian gamer spirit who lives in a magical puzzle that has not been solved for 3000 years until this highschooler named Yuugi Mutou comes along and solves it, thus setting him free and allowing him to possess Yuugi and have access to the vague magical powers of the puzzle.
In Duel Monsters he's perfectly fine most of time, morally speaking. There is an instance of him almost murdering a guy and its a bit unclear what exactly happens to those he mindcrushes but overall he's very much a pretty good guy. In Season 0 most of what he does is set up these games for bad people, where they will go insane no matter what they do. From how I understand this whole Shadow Game, Penalty Game stuff, if you lose a Shadow Game, you get violent and intense hallucinations and you will always cuz yknow, gamer spirit. But if you try to cheat, which most of the bad people do in this show, you get violent and intense hallucinations as a punishment.
Since the two anime are generally considered two different continuities, its perfectly fine that Yamis characterization is wildly different in both of them. But in the manga both of these characterizations appear, basically one after the other with no real arc or consequences, for that matter. Why is that? Simply put, someone thought it was a good idea to try to turn an episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror manga into a more traditional, more plot-driven battle shounen. From what Ive heard, it was apparently largely because of network interference or something, but the point is, it changed directions incredibly drastically with little planning and everyone knows this and I can understand that for the most part.
In RWBY we have the character of Blake Belladonna, who, in the first 3 volumes/seasons atleast, was this aloof, more toned down loner-type character with a pretty strong sense of justice. She's an in-universe marginilized racial minority and she clearly cares about racial injustice. The way its initially framed makes it seem like she had a very hard life and no stable support system, which is what eventually pushed her to join a Civil Rights group/Terrorist organization (good god, the Faunus subplot is so awful, I could write a whole essay about it but Im already de-railing rn so I'll just save that for later).
Then, in volumes 4-5 it turns out her father is actually like, the mayor or chief of this island-place called Menagerie and she grew up in this big mansion with multiple guards/servants. Oh and also, apparently "space is a commodity" on there, so theres that. She still retains large parts of her personality but she's kinda like, worse somehow I think. I cant really describe it in a meaningful way but I hope you get what Im saying anyway. Then in Volume 6 she confronted her emotional abuser Adam (sorry for not mentioning him sooner but yeah, he was like, her abusive boyfriend, which is something that a lot of people disagree with but I wont really say anything about it either way because I dont really feel any specific way) with her friend, Yang, and ended up killing him.
After all that, she pretty much lost the rest of her personality, as well as her arc about all the Faunus stuff. She just kinda became the meek, generically nice, recovering abuse victim. Why? Well, the actual reason is that they didnt plan out shit and are just kinda flying by the seat of their oversized clown-pants and if they and the fandom just admitted it, I would have less of an issue. I still wouldnt be as forgiving towards RWBY as I am towards YGO because the crux of the issue, for me, is just that I dont particulary like RWBY but also like. Do you really expect me to take MKEK seriously as writers after admitting to not have a timeline because iT wOuLd CaUsE pLoThOlEs?
However, since they want us to believe that everything was planned out from the beginning, the explaination would be.... Idk, they deliberately butchered one of their main characters?? Because.. they hate her?? Maybe????
So yeah, that was quite a detour however, I would like you to keep this mind going forward.
2. Themes of the Early Series'
First, what do mean by 'Early Series' for both of these shows respectively? Well, for YGO that would have to be Season 0 or if youre reading the manga, everything pre-Duelist Kingdom. Basically, the part of the series thats a episodic, very slice of life-y light-horror series.
For RWBY that would be the first three Volumes, also known as the Poser-Era. Back then it was just kinda an action series that took place at Anime Warrior Academy (also known as Beacon) with some pretty bare minimum worldbuilding, character-driven plots and developments but now its more of an epic high-fantasy story with more of an emphasis on plot as opposed to just action.
The themes and messages in Early YGO are kinda vague, very confusing to me and if you were to follow any of it literally that would be pretty bad. For now Im just gonna say the main themes are Friendship and Identity and mostly focus on the Identity aspect.
Now, it took me a little while to figure out RWBYs deal but I think the main themes for Volumes 1-3 are also Friendship and Heroism. Once again, I'll mostly focus on Heroism and touch on Friendship more briefly later.
I dont have much more to add to YGOs themes right now, so I'll briefly go over Heroism in RWBY.
In RWBYs setting there are these man-eating monsters called Grimm that have basically infected the planet. In order to deal with that, they have people called huntsmen and huntresses that kill them and protect people. Theyre trained at special academies like Beacon and go on missions there and stuff like that. Our four main characters, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and Yang, are training to become huntresses and one day they go on this mission to clean up a grimm infested city block with one of their teachers. Obviously, that takes a long time so they have to camp out in one of the empty houses. Weiss, Blake and Yang cant sleep because theyve been thinking about this question that their teacher asked them when they were fighting grimm: "Why do you want to become a huntress?"
They have a heart to heart and we find out about their motivations; Weiss wants to bring honour back to her family, Blake want to distance herself from the White Fang (that terrorist organization I mentioned earlier) and as an extension from Adam, Yang wants to have a life of adventure. They also talk about why Ruby wants to be a huntress and it turns out that she judt wants to help people. Unlike the others, she has no motivation besides that. We're meant to listen to that and look at her as a sort-of personification of Heroism: kind, but not naive, strong and most of all, selfless. The others on her team are not portayed as bad for not being like Ruby by any means but we are clearly meant to admire her the most out of all of them.
Okay, now comes the part Ive been looking forward to the most:
3. How did these themes evolve in the Modern Series'?
Alright, before we can really delve into the way they evolved in YGO I'll have to give you a brief summary of the character progression. At the start of DM, during the Duelist Kingdom arc, Yami Yuugi is just that; A darker Yuugi. Hes more confident, bolder, his voice is deeper, hes somehow taller, more ruthless, all that good stuff. Notably, he doesnt actually seem more skilled than Yuugi even at the start of this story, but he's still dependent on Yami. Yami on the other hand, has no identity of his own or even hints at one at this point. He's just The Other Yuugi.
Then during the Battle City arc, they find out that Yami was actually a pharao prior to being sealed in the puzzle, he just didnt know because of amnesia, I guess. So now they need to find out his real name and then send him to the afterlife because hes meant to be dead, but not before saving the world from being swallowed by darkness, which is also a thing they have to do now.
Then we finally get to the Memory World arc, where Yami, Yuugi and the rest of the gang astralproject to ancient egypt via puzzle magic. Yami is trying to figure out what the hell is going on and who all these familiar people are, while Yuugi & Co are trying their best to help him. Then some weird shit happens and it turns out that all of that is not just Yamis sealed away memories, but also a giant D&D Shadow Game that will destroy the world if Yami loses. So now theres Pharao!Yami who is still clueless on the metaphorical and literal playing field and Player!Yami, who is kinda controlling himself now? I guess?? Yamis opponent, The Spirit of The Ring, has something similar to that going on where hes both controlling and properly participating in the game. So Player!Yami is now fighting against Player!TSoTR, Pharao!Yami is now fighting against Thief King Bakura (who is like, the human, ancient egyptian version of the Ring Spirit) and Yuugi is now fighting against Yami Bakura (who is like, the human, modern japanese version of the Ring Spirit). Yuugi gets Yamis real name, he and the gang go over to Pharao!Yami and tell him his name, meanwhile Player!Yami is also somehow helping as well and they defeat the Ring Spirit, thus saving the world. Then they travel to modern Egypt, the Ceremonial Duel happens and Yuugi wins, sending Yami to the Afterlife where he can finally rest and that was the series!
I originally wanted to recount the stuff that was going on with the Ring Spirit and his host as well because they parallel eachother, but this summary is already far too long and I think youll get the point without me needing to explain any more.
My point here is, that the story went from being vaguely about Identity, maybe? to being very clearly about Self-Discovery and Learning to Be Independent. I think this is a very good way to evolve the messaging of your story. How does RWBY track on that?
Well, uh... its not great. I will acknowledge that they have tried to introduce new themes and ideas since, even though I wont really be talking about them in this post. But yeah, the whole Heroism thing really regressed.
Like, I didnt explicitly say it when I was explaining grimm earlier, but theyre not going away. The grimm have always been there and people who sign up to become huntsmen and huntresses are effectively signing up for a job that will never truly be done, no matter what they do. Characters like Ruby and even more minor ones like Phyrrah have shown us that that doesnt matter when youre a hero. No life isnt worth saving, no grimm isnt worth killing, no criminal isnt worth arresting. Then, in volume 6 they find out about Salem. Salem is the Big Bad of the show, shes immortal, controls the grimm and is supposed to be very powerful.
What do our heroes do? They give up. Sike! They were just mindcontrolled by monsters or some shit, of course they didnt give up their mission (which is to bring an Important Macguffin to a city called Atlas, sorry I didnt mention it)!
But then they arrive in Atlas (which is llike, a city thats floating over another city called Mantle) and yknow, they do some plot stuff thats not really important right now until the city gets invaded by Salem and this big grimm army she has.
What do our heroes do? Well, Ruby, Weiss, Blake and some side characters are chilling, drinking tea in a mansion and Yang and the B Team were actually trying to do something, but even those efforts seem incredibly minimal.
Oh wait, I also forgot to mention that Ironwood (a fairly minor, vaguely antagonistic character up until now) wanted to lift Atlas even higher to save Atleasian civilians from danger while leaving Mantle vulnerable to Salems invasion.
What would be the most heroic thing to do?
A) Let Ironwood lift Atlas, get as much support as they can down to Mantle and save as many Mantle civilians as they can from the invasion
B) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas but then split up in order to protect both Atlas and Mantle civilians
C) Prevent Ironwood from lifting Atlas and then dont do anything else
Congrats! If you choose C, you think exactly like the writers!
And I just
This is so mindboggling to me, I feel like I shouldnt even have explain how this is bad. And like, it wouldve been so easy to actually make them seem herokc through their actions, to make it seem like they did try but no.
I have never seen a central theme be this botched, how in the world did they do that? Why did they think it was a good idea for Ruby "The Embodiment of Heroism" Rose to sit in a mansion doing nothing, no planning, no organizing just ..... God, how are they this bad? Like, this doesnt even have anything to do with it being planned in any way, this is just straight up incompetence
4. Very briefly touching on friendship
The friendship is awful and its not solely because they all have the same opinions. They barely interact with eachother outside their designated pairs which leads to it all feeling incredibly hollow. Theyre also practically indistingushable from one another now, which is a shame because it wasnt always like that. Like, I dont think the characters were that well-developed in earlier volumes but they were very well-characterized. But now we've gotten to a point where you can literally copy and paste one characters dialogue onto another and literally nothing changes, it really sucks.
5. Some closing words
Damn, this took way longer than I thought it would and now Im pretty exhausted. I have no idea how yall always write these but props to you! I feel like this ended up a bit rambly but overall, Im pretty proud.
Please let me know what you think of the points I brought up! Id also really appreciate some tips on how to get better at these longer posts because I am planning on writing more in the future (not the near future, probably but yknow).
Thats all I have to say for now, thanks for reading!
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clumsyclifford · 3 years
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6, 12, 14, 15, & 21 for the writing asks? -megs 💙
hachi machi okie dokie how many more nonsense rhymes can i say ok that's it great let's go
6. What fic is on your back burner, waiting to be written when you feel your skill matches its potential? answered this one here! i'm SURE there are more though let me check my fic ideas doc (fun fact my fic ideas doc is still called "Malum fic ideas:" from back in the early days of this blog when i was chiefly writing malum because of helen). oh! well. the major league baseball au is still uh, kinda back burner-y. that's another one that i started and then ran face first into a wall known as The Wall of Trying To Realistically Represent A Situation I've Never Been In But Also Include Romance Which Would Not Typically Exist In This Setting So I'm Really Setting Myself Up For Failure Here it's a really annoying wall i know hazel hits it too so i'm just ignoring it for the moment. i also think a castaways fic (the concept, not the song) would be really awesome but tricky because, once again, i've never actually BEEN a castaway, and my knowledge of the topic is pretty heavily based on the book hatchet so like. yeah. i have a lot.
12. Where do you commonly find inspiration for your stories? everywhere! i saw in your answer you said you hear song lyrics and think they'd make good fic titles, i do EXACTLY the same thing (hence the doc "good lyrics for titles"). one day ill make that doc into a prompt list and post it on here and just fuck myself over. previously ive gotten some inspiration from movies but i shortly after completing baby driver au i realized that was a fluke and that in general i am pretty bad at making fics out of movie plots because i am very bad at remembering salient details about movies in the order that they happen. like i started a robin hood (2018) au but barely got anywhere with it because i realized i had never actually understood the plot well enough to write it. i would say the things that inspire me the most are songs (we know i loooove a songfic, mostly bc they make the job so easy by just laying out the plot and vibe for me) and also things that happen to me and feelings i have about those things. unfortunately many of my experiences are not universal (hello jewish summer camp) which may be part of why i've had so much trouble coming up with ideas lately. but as soon as i'm back at school i get the feeling i'll be doing fine again.
14. Share a few sentences of what you’re currently working on? what AM i currently working on? technically speaking i'm kinda sorta working on two things but one of them just doesn't have a good snippet and i don't wanna do a Reveal yet so ill give you this one instead, from a fic i might never even post:
“Oh, I meant to tell you, my mum called earlier, she asked if you’re okay.” Ashton’s mum always asks if Luke is okay. Exactly that way, is Luke doing okay?, like Luke gives off some kind of not-doing-okay vibe. He suspects it’s a leftover instinct from his and Ashton’s mutual breakdown a few years back, but honestly, he’s doing better now. It’s sweet of her to ask, but she could just ask about him the same way she asks about Michael and Calum. How’s Luke? would be fine.
“I am great,” Luke says. “How’s she? Is she okay?”
“Yeah, she’s okay,” Ashton says. “She’s started taking Harry to look at some universities.” He pauses. “University. You know? What the fuck?”
“No way,” Luke says, and tries to work out if he’s meant to be surprised by that. He can’t remember how old Harry is. Clearly almost uni-age. Ashton’s told him this a million times, but Luke can’t keep track when the answer keeps changing. He doesn’t want Ashton to think he’s forgotten, so he just says, “That’s insane.”
15. What are some of your favorite tropes to write? Do they match the ones you read? answered this one here as well! i've managed to get unbelievably long-winded answering every single one of these questions so far so i won't write another answer for this one
21. Do you have any stories you’ve written completely but never posted? Why? Please tell us about them? yes!! i have a handful. let me hunt them down. okay final answer, i have five!
one is an au based on the prompt "we’re at a party and someone asks what your type is and you describe me perfectly while staring right at me” which i never posted because i wrote it a while ago and honestly i don't think it's good enough to post. also i kinda don't like the background character i made jack barakat. i could edit it. but. ehh
one is a fic that is set in the daydream jalex fic 'verse, but the only way it's relevant to that 'verse is because it has ace!jack, and it's highly personal and probably the most projection-heavy fic i've ever written and i never posted it because i'm nervous to be Known like that lol
one is technically emo lashton, but not actually set in the emo lashton 'verse that i've created, and that one is ALSO one of the most projection-heavy fics i've ever written. it's usually the fics that are full of projection but in a specific way that i think isn't really relatable that i write but don't end up posting. it's a good fic honestly i wouldn't be against posting it i just never have. also partially because i'm between two titles for that fic lol
one is.......something that was originally going to be set in a different fic universe (for a fic i havent posted or finished writing lol), but now i don't know if it will necessarily fit in that 'verse, so it's kind of its own very short but complete thing. i never posted it because (1) it's super short, less than 1k, and i don't like to post stuff that short, and also (2) just in case it DOES fit the fic 'verse, i don't wanna give away the ending, lmao
and lastly there's a fic i wrote in an excited haze when sam and meghna and i made the ssf and the aces plans, which is like, ot4 meeting but they're all internet friends. guess what inspired that. i'll never post it because it really wasn't written with the intention of posting it, i sent it to sam and meghna and they were the only people i wanted to read it and they have so <3
writing asks
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iamrealbuilder · 3 years
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Bill Buchalter interview
Bill Buchalter was a level designer for Sunstorm Interactive. He’s worked on 3 official add-on of Build Engine games: Cryptic Passage for Blood, Suckin’ Grits On Route 66 for Redneck Rampage, Caribbean Life for Duke Nukem 3D. Interview, November 2020: Corentin: Can you introduce yourself?
Bill Buchalter: My name is Bill Buchalter. I’m an avid gamer of all kinds – video games, board games, and especially tabletop RPGs. I’m currently a freelance writer for AAW Games (Adventure A Week Games) writing mini adventures for Dungeons & Dragons 5E. I live outside Indianapolis, IN with my wife Jane, our three kids, and our dog Roxi. When I’m not gaming, I also enjoy music, playing guitar, hiking, and camping.
C: With Sunstorm Interactive, you're credited for level design on Cryptic Passage, Caribbean Life and Route 66. How did you start working with Sunstorm and what do you remember from that time?
BB: In the mid 90’s, maybe around 1995 or 96, I was very into playing Duke Nukem 3D. Like most PC gamers at the time, I had played Castle Wolfenstein and Doom, and Duke Nukem just blew me away. Back in those days, when we played online, we would use a 3rd party program called KALI. You dialed up on your modem, logged onto the internet, and then used KALI as a portal to chat with other gamers and find someone to play with. The KALI software would then allow you to network together over the internet and play PVP matches. It was crude, and the lag could be horrible, but we didn’t know any better at the time and we loved it!
I remember I was in a B. Dalton bookstore in the mall one day (another relic of the 90’s that is long gone!) when I found a book called the “Duke Nukem 3D Level Design Handbook”. I was intrigued, and as I flipped through the pages it talked about a program on the Duke Nukem CD called Build, which allowed you to create your own levels. I had no idea Build existed, let alone how to use it. I bought the book and spent the next couple weeks diving into learning how to use Build. I was hooked!
Making my own maps quickly became an obsession. I would share them with my friends on KALI and I quickly earned a reputation for making user maps. I remember there was a map building competition, but I don’t recall who sponsored it. A guy named Robert Travis won the competition. When I saw his maps, I was blown away! His designs were so much more advanced than mine. He was using tricks I had never thought of to get lighting effects and set moods. I had to reach out to him to pick his brain.
Robert responded and we began talking and quickly figured out that we both lived in Indianapolis. He was working for Sunstorm at the time and invited me to come to their office to discuss level design. I met him there one evening, and he showed me some of the stuff he was working on. We ended up playing Duke all night on Sunstorm’s network with some of the other guys in the office. I was in heaven!
Robert introduced me to Anthony Campiti, the lead producer on Sunstorm’s next project – Cryptic Passage, an add-on for a Build engine game called Blood. They invited me to design some levels for the game and I jumped at the chance. Robert assigned me to design an opera house level and immediately I got pictures in my head of the theater scenes from Interview with a Vampire. I went home and worked furiously on designing the level. I was still rough, but with Robert’s help I tweaked things here and there and slowly learned his techniques. In the end I was really pleased with the level I’d designed. Robert and Anthony were happy too and asked me to design a second map specifically for deathmatch.
The next project Sunstorm was working on was Suckin’ Grits on Route 66, an add-on for another Build engine game called Redneck Rampage. Robert again asked if I’d like to be a part of that team and assigned me to build a truck stop level. Using a lot of the things I’d learned on Cryptic Passage, and the campy feel of the Redneck Rampage game, I had a lot of fun designing that level.
The last project I worked on for Sunstorm was Duke Nukem Caribbean Vacation. By this time Duke’s popularity was beginning to wane, and Quake was taking over. Robert was already starting to experiment and learn how to use the Quake engine. I was a new dad at the time (my first daughter had just been born) so unfortunately, I didn’t have the spare time to devote to learning a new engine. I barely had the time to design my level for Duke Caribbean, but I did manage to finish the casino level for that project. I do recall that Robert ended up going through in the end and changing a lot of the aspects of my level to fit the theme they had in mind. I remember being a bit disappointed and not really feeling like the level was “mine” because of so many of the changes. It was the last project I worked on for Sunstorm.
I kept in touch with Robert and Anthony for a while after that. They were branching out, working on other projects, and even trying to develop their own FPS game that I don’t think ever really got off the ground. Sunstorm was having the most success with their Deer Hunter line of games that at the time were selling well in Wal-Mart. Sadly, I eventually just lost touch with those guys.
I’m sure this is WAY more information than you were wanting (I’m a writer… I can’t help but go off the deep end!) but you dusted off some fond, old memories for me, so I apologize for walking so far down memory lane!
C: I see that you're still making maps, different kind of maps! This makes me wonder if maybe you were involved with W!Zone (a pack of maps for Warcraft 2 released by Sunstorm). Can you tell us a bit about that if possible?
BB: I didn’t have any hand in the W!Zone project for Sunstorm, but I loved the Warcraft series. As was common for many video gamers like me, who had roots in fantasy games like D&D, I played a lot of Warcraft and eventually got sucked into the world of MMOs with Ultima Online, Everquest, and World of Warcraft! If only I had back the time I sunk into those games!
These days I’m exclusively writing and designing for Dungeons and Dragons. I started about ten years ago writing for D&D Organized Play in a campaign called Living Forgotten Realms. I co-authored two adventures for that with my good friend, Michael Pearman, and authored a third adventure on my own. As you know from tracking me down via AAW Games, I’ve now authored six adventures for them, five of which are already published and one that is still in the works but should be released soon.
When I do manage to find time for video games, Diablo III is my game of choice these days. I’m looking forward to Season 22 starting here shortly, and like many others, I’m really hoping for something great with Diablo IV. I’ve been a huge fan of the series since the beginning, and even wrote an entire campaign for D&D 5E that translated the story of Diablo III into Dungeons and Dragons for the players in my home game! Thanks again for the opportunity to share some of this history. It was fun putting it all down and reliving those days!
C: There are two signatures in the Truck Stop level for Route 66. Do you remember anything about that ? There also several levels with no known credit : Fun Park, House of ill Repute, Mystery Dino Cave, Bigfoot Convention.
The signature on the truck stop is Route 66 was a joke! I was the only designer on that one. I just signed it "Billy Joe Jim Bob Buchalter" as a joke for bad redneck name. I wasn't the kind of guy that had to sign my maps the EXACT same way every time. :)
Other than the truck stop, I don't recall designing any other maps for Route 66. I pretty sure none of those you listed below were mine, but I don't recall whose they were.
Finally, here are some final comments Bill made after reading through some forum posts:
Wow, I am really quite humbled that you guys looked so deeply into my work! The fact that you could recognize my build style is pretty cool - I didn't even know I had a style! LOL. The truth be told, the reason you probably had so much trouble telling my levels from Robert's is because he was a big influence on me. I learned a lot from him and incorporated a lot of that into the stuff I built.
Its funny how reading through that thread you linked brought back memories... I remember now that my biggest disappointment from Duke Caribbean was that my only level in the game ended up being a secret level - that some people wouldn't even find it or ever play it. I was actually pretty excited about that level. I was the one that suggested a casino because my folks had retired to Vegas, so I'd been in a lot of the casinos there and had some great ideas for the map. I'd forgotten all about the restaurant I worked into it, and the big fish tanks.
There seems to be some debate about Robert. From what I remember, he was a really good guy. Maybe a bit tough to work for, but only because he really strived for our designs to be the best they could be, and he demanded that of both himself and the other designers. As I said before, I learned early on to accept criticism and critique and not take it personally. It was just Robert doing his job. I'll be the first to admit that I designed better levels thanks to the stuff I learned from Robert.
Someone on the message board made a very astute comment, basically to the effect that "Bill had to have other work out there. Sunstorm wouldn't hire an unproven guy off the street." But truth be told, that's exactly what they did! I hadn't done a single thing before working there. But I think a few things played in my favor. First, I lived in Indy, just 15 minutes from their office, so it was easy for me to go in and work directly with Robert. Second, while I didn't have anything officially published, I did have a disk full of the maps I'd designed on my own, and Robert thought I showed promise. I would design at home a lot, then go into the office a couple times a week and sit with Robert while he critiqued my work and offered advice on how to improve it.
I'll be honest - I'm blown away at the number of people STILL playing these old maps we made so many years ago. I watched a couple YouTube videos of a guy playing and reviewing Duke Caribbean and Blood Cryptic Passage. His high praise of both Full House and the Opera House really made my day. It's nice to know that people enjoyed my work.
_____________________________
Thanks a lot to Bill Buchalter for taking the time to answer these questions! Thanks also for sharing... “Big City” !
A Duke Nukem 3D map he created back in the day before joining with Sunstorm Interactive which was never released before! Screenshot:
Tumblr media
Map download:
https://msdn.duke4.net/bigcity.zip
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External link: Duke4 forum blog megathread: https://forums.duke4.net/topic/11471-blog-interviews-of-build-engine-video-games-developers/page__pid__353013#entry353013 The forum posts Bill read, mentionned above, can be found here: https://forums.duke4.net/topic/9418-duke-caribbean-multiplayer-levels/
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chipper9906 · 3 years
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Bound To You - Chapter 3: Internal Talks
<--- Previous Chapter
WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 15
NOTE: Pairings and Ratings Will Change As Story Is Updated
Pairings: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester
Rating: General Audiences
Chapter Word Count: 6,133
Overall Word Count: 17,730
Status: Multi Chapter Fic - In Progress (3/?)
Chapter Preview: 
“You know, just once it’d be nice for the Universe not to screw us over. You’d think we’d earned a break by now-,”
Dean was interrupted by a splash of holy water hitting his face, about half of it getting into his mouth. He scrunched his eyes shut against the onslaught of water, swinging his mouth closed and leaning his head to the side to spit the holy water onto the floor.
“Fair enough…” Dean mumbled, pulling up the bedsheets and drying off his face. “Pretty sure soaking a cripple on his first day earns you a one-way ticket to Hell, Sammy.”
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Character Key For Telepathic Conversations
'Italic Text' - Castiel
'Bold Text' - Dean
* * *
Seeing his older brother like this was heart-breaking.
They had both had their fair share of injuries. A few stints in hospitals across the country over the years. Of course, the introduction of Castiel into their lives had dramatically reduced those visits, having their own personal angel who was willing to heal up any scrape or… potentially life-threatening injuries.
Dean had always been a pillar of strength in his life. Only in rare times did he ever see his brother look so broken, so dependant on another. Now, seeing his frail body in this hospital bed, surrounded by multiple beeping machines with countless wires coming out of him… it was a sight he almost couldn’t bear to see.
Eileen’s gentle touch on his shoulder pulled his gaze away from Dean. He turned on the uncomfortable plastic chair to face her, giving her an appreciative smile as she handed him yet another cup of coffee.
“Are you sure you don’t want to try and get some sleep?” Eileen asked him, rubbing her hand across his back soothingly. “I can stay here and watch over him.”
“I’m okay,” Sam brushed off her concern, though made sure to brush her arm by his back to show his thanks for her worry. “I don’t want to leave him yet… I’ll have to get back to the bunker soon anyway to pick up some stuff for him. Ah, and... I’ll have to try and find a pet-friendly motel nearby…”
Eileen’s hand paused on his back. “…Why?”
“Oh, right, I forgot to tell you,” Sam said with an amused huff. “We, uh- Dean actually found this dog after… after Chuck wiped everyone off the board. She got wiped away too shortly after because Chuck… well, he’s Chuck. She was brought back when everyone else got brought back and… Dean couldn’t leave her there.”
“Didn’t you say Dean wasn’t really a fan of dogs?”
“I think Miracles an exception. Don’t tell him I said this, but… I think Miracle is the only thing keeping Dean together after what happened to Cas. He’s not doing great even with her, but if she wasn’t here with us…” Sam closed his eyes, shaking his head as the awful memories flooded back. “You didn’t see him when Cas died right as Jack was being born. Mom was gone, and we had to see Lucifer shove that angel blade right through Cas, and… he couldn’t move. He dropped down by Cas’s side, and… He wasn’t the same until Jack brought Cas back. It was scary to see him that way. The anger I could deal with, you know? It was how Dean coped, finding something to blame, and… he directed all that at Jack. But when he wasn’t angry… it was like a part of him died with Cas. Like he wanted to just… give up.”
“They really mean a lot to each other, don’t they?” Eileen said wistfully.
“You have no idea,” Sam chuckled. “According to Cas, he and Dean ‘share a more profound bond’.”
“A what?”
“Cas’s words, not mine,” Sam raised his hands in the air with another short burst of laughter. “I assumed it was because Cas rescued Dean from hell, but Cas did the same for me and we never formed a ‘profound bond’ like Cas has with Dean.”
“If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you sound jealous,” Eileen teased him, giving his shoulder a light squeeze with a playful smile.
"Oh, trust me – I’m glad Cas directed most of his attention towards Dean. Do you have any idea the number of times I’ve been caught in the middle of the conversation between the two of them with just their eyes? Cas got better over time, but the staring? He was always kind of awkward with stuff like that, but with Dean… they somehow managed to talk to each other entirely with looks.”
“It makes sense,” Eileen noted. “Cas probably learned a lot about humans from Dean. He’s probably able to get a better read from Dean on how he feels by looking at him than just listening to him. I know I haven’t known Dean as long as you guys have, but I get the feeling Dean isn’t the kind of guy to tell the truth when it comes to how he feels?”
“It’s a rare occasion…” Sam mumbles. “I made the mistake of asking him what actually happened to Cas. He told me and Jack that Cas died to save him, but that was it. I know it’s painful for Dean, but… I miss Cas too… He’s one of my oldest friends, and I don’t even know how he died.”
“What happened when you asked?” Eileen pried.
“Just repeated what he told me before. Said ‘Cas saved my life, Sammy. That’s all you need to know’. Next morning, I found him slumped over the library table with books about the afterlife splayed about the place and an empty bottle of scotch in his hands.”
“Afterlife? You think he was trying to find a way to get Cas out of the Empty?”
“Must have been. I’d done the same… but there’s barely anything about the Empty in any of the documents the Men of Letter’s keep. It’s been so unknown for so long there’s just… nothing about it anywhere.” Sam told her, a hint of frustration creeping into his voice.
“Hm… I know if our roles were swapped, and it was you trapped in that place? I don’t think I’d be coping much better than Dean is.”
Something about the sentiment behind Eileen’s words sparked a realization within Sam’s mind. His gaze switched from Eileen to his brother, his face slipping into an expression of pity as all the strange moments between his best friend and his brother connected in his mind. “Oh, Dean… you’re never going to get over him, are you?”
“No, he won’t,” Eileen said, her words getting Sam to turn and face her again. “What Dean’s lost… you never really get over it. The pain never truly lessens, but… you get used to it.”
* * *
Sam had been slumped over in his chair, dead to the world when he was woken abruptly by Eileen roughly shoving his shoulder.
“Sam!” She called his name urgently. “Sam, it’s Dean! I think he’s waking up.”
Sam snapped back into consciousness at that, blinking rapidly to adjust to the bright lights of the hospital room. His gaze landed on Dean’s form, his breath hitching in surprise as Dean’s eyes flutter open. He sees the moment Dean truly comes to, eyes widening in panic at the unfamiliar surroundings. Dean raises his hand to his nose immediately, very nearly tugging out the IV line in his hand as he attempted to remove the nasal cannula wrapped around his face.
The doctor from before was by Dean’s bedside before Sam could even fully stand from his chair, who was forced to stand awkwardly behind the Doctor as he looked over Dean.
“Mr. Winchester? I’m Dr. Sullivan, I’m a surgeon here at Aultman Hospital in Canton, Ohio,” Dr. Sullivan told Dean as he gently pried Dean’s hands away from the fragile medical equipment. “Do you understand what I’ve told you so far?”
Dean’s panicked eyes fixated on Dr. Sullivan, giving a quick nod of his head at the doctor's question.
“Where’s Sammy?” Were the first words Dean croaked out.
“Your brother is right here, Mr. Winchester,” The doctor stepped off to the side, placing Sam into Dean’s line of vision. The panic visibly dropped away from Dean’s expression the second he caught sight of Sam. Then, Dean’s gaze slid over to where Eileen hovered nearby Sam, his face quickly twisting in confusion as he took her in.
“Now, I just need to perform a few quick checks on you, Mr. Winchester.” Dr. Sullivan continued on, not privy to the dumbfoundment Dean was currently trying to work through. “Can you tell me your name?”
“Dean,” Dean answered, knowing there was no point in giving a fake name seeing as the Doctor already knew his last time. “My name is Dean Winchester.”
“Fantastic,” Dr. Sullivan commented with an encouraging smile. “And we’ve already gathered that you know your brother and what his name is, so I guess we can skip that one. Do you remember what happened to you?”
Dean turned anxious eyes over to his brother. It was very unlikely that Sam told the Doctor what actually happened. Otherwise, the Doctor wouldn’t be holding together his professionalism quite as well as he is right now.
“I was attacked,” Dean went with something safe. “I… there was this metal bar… it went through me.”
“Good,” Dr. Sullivan said. Dean almost laughed. How was that good? “How do you feel?”
“Like I got impaled by a metal pole…” Dean responded dryly, wincing at the pulsating ache that sat within his back.
The Doctor cracked a sly smile at Dean’s comment, pulling a clipboard off the end of Dean’s bed. “Sense of humor’s good, a good way to cope. But to be more specific Mr. Winchester, I need you to rate your pain on a scale from one to ten. One being mild discomfort and ten being the worst.”
“Probably around a six,” Dean answered truthfully. Sure, the ache in his back was painful, but he knows it could be worse.
“Okay…” Dr. Sullivan mumbled under his breath as he scribbled away at his clipboard. “Your IV drip is attached to a steady supply of morphine right now; It should help to dull some of the more intense pain, but the effects may begin to wear off after some time. If the pain gets worse, let us know and we’ll up the dose for you.”
“Eh… I’ve been through worse, Doc.” Dean let his head drop back into the scratchy hospital pillow, closing his eyes against the bright ceiling lights.
“I’m not too sure I believe that Mr. Winchester. Though I can tell you you’re a lucky, lucky man.”
“Yeah? I don’t feel too lucky…”
“I’m not sure what else you’d call surviving a rebar to the chest other than ‘lucky’. How it missed all of your organs…” The doctor’s voice trailed off as he shifted off to a table to the side, plucking up a pair of latex gloves and snapping them on his hands. “Now, Mr. Winchester… during your surgery, we discovered some severe damage to your thoracic lumbar-,”
“My what?” Dean interrupted Dr. Sullivan.
“It’s the section of your spine just below your shoulder blades, running to the center of your back,” Dr. Sullivan answered. “When the rebar entered your back, it was forced in between two of your vertebrae. Those two were shattered, and a few above and below were fractured and pushed out of alignment. The damage to the vertebrae themselves, we were actually able to fix for the most part with the help of some titanium pins. Unfortunately, we noticed some evidence of trauma to your spinal cord.”
Sam’s heart twisted in sympathy at the way his brother's face fell. Perhaps Dean had been expecting to hear this, for he didn’t look shocked by the doctor’s words, but he most definitely looked crushed.
The doctor peeled back the sheets covering Dean, exposing his lower body to them. The doctor stepped down to the end of the bed, pressing a glove covered finger into the middle of the underside of Dean’s foot. “Can you feel this, Mr. Winchester?”
Dean couldn’t only weakly shake his head side to side, not trusting his voice to keep steady right now. He followed the doctor’s movement as he straightened back up, taking a step forward and placing a hand over Dean’s lower leg, giving his calf a gentle squeeze. “How about this?”
Again, Dean shakes his head no.
“Can you try moving your legs for me? Nothing too strenuous, just a small shift to the side will do.”
Dean stared down at his legs lying motionless on the hospital bed, certain he had never concentrated on a part of his body so hard in order to get it to move. But… no matter how hard he tries to get his legs to move… they don’t. Nothing happens, not even a twitch of his muscles. They just… lay there.
Dean doesn’t have to say anything for them to know he couldn’t do it. His face said it all.
“I’m going to touch your upper body now, okay Mr. Winchester? We just need to get an idea of where the paralysis starts.”
Paralysis. That single word bounced around in Dean’s skull. It… it couldn’t be possible. That happened to other people. It… it couldn’t happen to him, could it?
Dean’s thoughts are interrupted by the doctor’s prying fingers pressing against his ribs. Dean instinctively hisses at the pain – healed, but still sore- raising an arm to swat away the Doctor’s hand.
Wait a minute… He could feel that.
“Well, Mr. Winchester, it seems you are just full of surprises,” Dr. Sullivan said with a pleased smile. “We assumed that, with the damage, you would have lost all feeling below the injury. Seems like you still have some sensation of touch in your upper body, and we’ve already seen that you still retain full control of your arms. I think we’re well past calling you ‘lucky’. It’s a damn right miracle.”
“And what about my legs?” Dean couldn’t help but ask. “Will they… will they be like this forever? Could they heal?”
Doctor Sullivan sighed, peeling the gloves off his hands. “I want to be honest with you here; it’s very unlikely for you to regain feeling in your legs. I’m not one to say never however, and with the rapid advances of modern medicine, we really never know. But I also don’t want to give you false hope, Mr. Winchester.”
“So, this is it?” The defeated tone in Dean’s voice crumpled what was left of Sam’s strength. “I can’t walk?”
“For the time being… no. I’m sorry, Mr. Winchester. I truly am,” Dr. Sullivan shifted his sympathetic expression over to Sam and Eileen, giving them a respectful nod as he began shuffling over to the exit of the room. “I’ll be back later to run some more tests. I’ll give you three a moment.”
“Thanks, Doctor,” Sam just about got out before Dr. Sullivan slipped out of the room. Dean was staring dejectedly down at his legs, willing them to suddenly fix themselves and start moving again. Sam shot an anxious look over to Eileen, who looked torn between comforting Dean or comforting Sam.
“…You okay, Dean?” Sam asked, taking a few awkward steps closer to his brother’s side. The glare Dean shot up at him answered his question in more ways than words could. The glare quickly dropped from Dean’s face, crumpling in on himself, trying to hide away from his brother’s woeful gaze.
“I’ll be fine,” Dean assured them, putting on a clearly fake smile. “I’ll get used to it… ‘s gonna take some adjusting, is all.”
“Do you need anything?” Eileen offered timidly, hanging by Sam’s side. “Some water, maybe?”
“Could use a stiffer drink than that,” Dean joked. “Could also use an explanation as to how you’re here? You were gone when Chuck snapped everyone away.”
“Well…” Eileen said uncomfortably, sharing a worried look with Sam. “I don’t actually know…”
“It’s one of many things we’re trying to figure out. Shortly after I got you here, Eileen was dropped back where she was.” Sam said.
“What, two weeks after everyone came back?”
“Seems like it,” Sam said.
Dean leaned his head back, closing his eyes with an exasperated sigh. Sam took the opportunity of Dean averting his eyes to reach into his pocket, pulling out a metal flask and quietly unscrewing the lid.
“You know, just once it’d be nice for the Universe not to screw us over. You’d think we’d earned a break by now-,”
Dean was interrupted by a splash of holy water hitting his face, about half of it getting into his mouth. He scrunched his eyes shut against the onslaught of water, swinging his mouth closed and leaning his head to the side to spit the holy water onto the floor.
“Fair enough…” Dean mumbled, pulling up the bedsheets and drying off his face. “Pretty sure soaking a cripple on his first day earns you a one-way ticket to Hell, Sammy.”
Before Dean could crack another joke, Sam had slid the angel blade out of his pocket, advancing towards Dean. He could see the moment Dean recognized what was in his hands, eyes widening in alarm as Sam moved closer.
“Woah, Woah, wait – Sammy!”
Sam didn’t let him say anything else, He grabbed his brother by the arm, pulling it straight and slicing across the tender skin. To Sam’s horror, the cut that appeared quickly flared with a bluish light, stitching up the small gash instantaneously. Sam’s eyes flickered up to see that same blue light appear in Dean’s eyes, completely overtaking the green of his irises until all Sam could see was that dazzling blueish white light.
“Sam, stop!” Dean’s posture had changed completely. He had straightened up as much as his damaged spine would let him, his movements stiff and uncoordinated as he reached out a hand to stop Sam. His voice had dropped a few octaves, impossibly deep in tone to the point it sounded like Dean’s vocal cords were being shredded apart.
Sam pressed the angel that was possessing his brother into the bed with one hand on its shoulder, holding the angel blade against its neck. The thing using Dean’s eyes glances down anxiously to the blade, the angel’s hand on his arm insistently pushing him away. Eileen stood nearby, checking the door to make sure no one would come into the room.
“Stop cutting Dean,” The angel commanded urgently. “I don’t have enough grace left to keep healing him like this.”
“Which one are you?” Sam spat at him, pressing the blade even closer as a threat. “Why the hell are you possessing my brother?”
“To save his life,” The angel insisted. “And to save mine. Sam, it’s me. It’s Cas.”
Sam blinked in surprise, lessening the pressure on Dean’s neck without really thinking about it. “Cas? No, that’s… that’s not possible… Dean said, he… You’re dead.”
“And so was Eileen,” Castiel pointed out, giving a small nod of his head towards the woman in question, careful not to catch himself on the blade against his neck.
“I don’t believe you,” Sam said with a shake of his head. “You can’t be Cas. You just… you can’t be.”
“When we first met, Dean had to stop you from shooting me,” Castiel began, the statement catching Sam off guard. “You were rather star-struck upon meeting me; having been the first time you had met an angel. My opinion of you at the time was rather harsh: the boy with the demon blood. But Dean helped me to see you in a different light. In the way he sees you. It was enough for me to be willing to dive back into Hell and recover your soul after you sacrificed yourself for the world.”
Sam was frozen in place, gaze fixated on the eyes that were his brothers, but also weren’t.
“Once, years after meeting you, I realized just how similar we were. Our fear of failing those we love, of letting down those we lead. Our willingness to sacrifice ourselves for the ‘greater good’. You nearly got yourself killed trying to make things right, to track down Gadreel and bring him to justice. But I wouldn’t do what you asked. I had to make you see your life was more valuable than that.”
The blade slipped away from Cas’s neck, held loosely in Sam’s hand as he stared down at Dean Cas in disbelief. “…Cas?
Castiel visibly relaxed as the blade dropped away from his neck, giving Sam a firm nod in response. Sam stood agape for a few more seconds before throwing himself forward, wrapping an arm around the back of his neck and pulling Cas into an awkwardly angled hug. Sam knew it was definitely Cas when Dean’s hands come to rest at his back, giving Sam a few clumsy pats before committing to the hug and squeezing Sam closer.
Yep. That’s Cas, alright.
“How the hell are you alive?” Sam asked once they broke apart, glancing over to Eileen to gauge her reaction. Eileen was still stood by the door, looking unsure as to what she should do now. Sam tucked the angel blade back into his jacket, sitting back down in the chair next to Dean’s bed. “Dean said you were gone?”
“I was,” Cas answered. “I’m… I’m sorry I didn’t tell you or your brother. Dean knows now of course, but… I had made a deal.”
“What kind of deal?” Eileen asked warily from beside the door, eyes flickering between Sam and Castiel. “A demon deal?”
Castiel shook his head. “I have no soul to barter with a Demon, so, no. This was shortly after Jack had succumbed to his illness, you see. When I found him in Heaven, we were being chased by the Empty.”
“The Empty can get into Heaven?” Sam asked.
“Apparently so. It believed that, since Jack was part angel, he belonged to the Empty after death. However, Heaven had already claimed Jack, because of his soul. I didn’t have a choice, Sam. I offered myself up to the Empty in exchange for Jack’s life. The Empty took that deal.”
“But… it’s been over a year since we lost Jack,” Sam questioned, brows furrowing in his confusion. “Why hadn’t the Empty taken you? Why now?”
Castiel tore his gaze away from Sam, looking at anything in the room other than the two pairs of peering eyes. “The Empty added an extra part to our deal. It would only take me… once I experienced a moment of true happiness.”
Sam glanced over to Eileen at this, matching expressions of wonder on their faces. It was rare to see Castiel this uncomfortable during a conversation.
“Billie was dying, and she wanted to take me and Dean with her,” Castiel continued before Sam could add anything.  “Dean and I had barely just escaped her for the moment, but I could only buy us a few extra minutes before she got to us. So… I did the only thing I could. I summoned the Empty by fulfilling our deal, and it took Billie with me.”
“And… you fulfilled your deal by… experiencing a moment of true happiness?” Sam timidly asked.
“Yes,” Castiel was still refusing to meet Sam’s gaze, staring down at his hands in his lap.
“…You’re not going to tell me what that was, are you?”
“No.”
Castiel’s answer wasn’t all too surprising to Sam. While it was true that Castiel had opened up to him more over the years they’ve known each other, he was still quite reserved when it came to these kinds of things. Probably something he picked up from Dean… And yet, Castiel’s hesitation actually gave away more than he was probably intending to. A moment of true happiness. Castiel had managed to experience a moment of true happiness – with Dean. And now, as Sam thinks to the extra bottles of beer he found lying around the Bunker, and Dean’s sudden urge to be all cuddly with Miracle… he’s beginning to understand why Dean had been mourning Cas just a little differently than he had last time.
“Cas… if the deal was fulfilled, then… how did you get out?” Sam asked.
Castiel was grateful for the subject change, some of the tension in his posture slipping away. “Your brother, I believe. When Dean was… when he was dying, he began praying to me.”
“He reached you in the Empty?” Eileen asked, voice alight with incredulity.
“Dean and I… our bond is rare. There aren’t many angels that know humans on a personal level. Most prayers to angels are of the common ones we get: asking for help, for guidance, for a show of faith. They’re rarely ever directed at those individual angels. And they’re never usually packed with so much emotion. Especially not… not…”
“Not what?” Sam pressed on.
“Those emotions aren’t typically for that angel. Jack was able to reach me in the Empty with a combination of his powers, and his desire to have me back. Dean was able to reach me through his fear of death, his desperation to have someone save him… and his longing to see me again.”
Sam didn’t really know how he was supposed to respond to that. This was a conversation about his brother that seemed a bit more… intimate than he’s comfortable with. Especially when he knows Dean is sat somewhere within his own body, perhaps even listening into their conversation right now.
“Wow… Uh, I mean - - I’m still a little shell shocked at the minute… Don’t get me wrong, I’m… I’m thrilled to have you back, Cas. I missed you. You and Jack. Except, at least with Jack I knew he was still here, but… you were dead, and Dean wouldn’t talk to me about it, and… it’s all been a bit much.”
“I can imagine,” Castiel said with an understanding smile.
“What’s the deal with… you know-” Sam gestured to Dean’s body. “-This. Why are you possessing Dean? What happened to your body?”
Castiel opened his mouth to answer when an odd look twisted across his features. It almost looked like he was trying to listen for something, his eyes dull and unfocused.
“Uh… Cas?” Sam asked, snapping his fingers in front of Cas’s face. “You there, man?”
“Yes,” Castiel answered, a bit more clarity coming into his eyes. “Apologies, but Dean is getting rather uncomfortable being ‘forced into the passenger’s seat’.” Castiel raised his hands to place quotation marks over the words.
“Okay… what does that-,”
Dean’s body straightened up again, eyes flashing with angelic grace before returning to the usual soft green eyes of his brother. Dean blinked in a daze as he came back into his own body, giving a little shiver to try and clear the odd feeling.
“Man, that’s gonna take some getting used to,” Dean muttered, his voice raised back to his usual tone. “I’m kinda glad Michael placed me into that fake dream world while he was possessing me…”
“You say that like this isn’t going to be temporary…” Sam noted.
“For the time being… this is all we’ve got,” Dean replied with a shrug of his shoulders. “Cas is too weak to jump into another vessel after using up nearly all his grace to keep my dumb ass from dying. So yeah, for the time being, Cas is shacking up in my head.”
“For how long?”
“No idea. Current plan of action is to find a way to recreate his body again.”
“Recreate?” Eileen spluttered, interjecting into the brother’s conversation.
“Doesn’t sound easy, does it?” Dean replied gloomily. “The Empty pretty much deleted Cas’s body when it took him. No way of getting it back…”
“Well, what about his grace?” Sam threw out the suggestion. “Isn’t there a way we can ‘recharge’ it back to normal levels?”
‘Not without potentially throwing Heaven into chaos, no.’
Dean startled so harshly at the voice in his head that it got Sam to his feet in seconds, ready to sprint out of the room and find a Doctor in the fear that his brother was having some sort of seizure.
“Jesus, Cas!” Dean spoke out loud to the room, only confusing Sam and Eileen more. “How the hell did you do that?”
‘Do what? Talk to you? Like this.’
‘Yeah, but you’re talking in my head.’
‘As are you.’
‘What?’
‘You’re not speaking out loud, Dean. Only I can hear you when we talk like this.’
“Dean!”
Dean snapped back to reality at his brother’s distraught voice. Sam was shaking his shoulder whilst Eileen had seemingly teleported to his side, an equally anxious look on her face.
“What the hell was that, Dean?” Sam demanded. “You just zoned out on us!”
‘You’ll have to work on diverting your attention between what’s happening and what I’m saying, or you might freak out the doctors and we’ll have to stay in the hospital longer.’
“Whoa…” Dean exclaimed, raising a hand to his head. “This is weird…”
“What’s weird?” Sam asked, voice growing more agitated at Dean’s elusiveness.
“Me and Cas have got this weird Vulcan mind mend thing going on,” Dean answered, tapping at his head. “He’s talking in my head; and apparently… I can talk back to him too?”
“Uh… you sure you didn’t… imagine it?” Sam asked.
‘I can assure you Dean that you aren’t suffering from any brain damage that would lead to hallucinations of my voice.’
“Cas says I’m not crazy, so yeah - I’m pretty sure, Sammy,” Dean answered, voice dripping with sarcasm.
“Oh, does that mean Cas can hear and see everything you’re seeing?” Eileen sounded genuinely fascinated by all of this.
‘Yes, so long as you want me to, Dean. With enough effort, you would be able to block me out. Although, at my currently weakened state, it likely wouldn’t take much effort at all.’
‘Nah, I wouldn’t do that to you, Cas. Makes it easier this way anyway – you could probably point out stuff I don’t usually pick up on. And this way, you can still be part of the conversation; though guess I have to be your translator to pass on the message.’
‘Thank you, Dean… Eileen and Sam are looking worried again, you might want to refocus yourself.’
Sure enough, when Dean focused back into reality, Sam looked about ready to slap him back into the conversation. “Sorry, I promise I’ll get better at listening to Cas and talking at the same time. And yeah, Cas says he can hear and see everything I do.”
‘With your permission.’
“With my permission,” Dean adds.
“Huh… must be weird for Cas to be possessing you.”
“Why’s that?” Dean asked with a questioning frown.
“Well – I assume you’re the one that’s going to be in control most of the time, right?”
“That’s the plan, yeah,” Dean answered.
“Then it’s probably going to be weird having it the other way around.”
‘I have experienced this before when Lucifer was possessing me. You are a much better companion than Lucifer, Dean, so it’s not too weird.’
‘Is that a compliment? I’m assuming it’s a compliment. Doubt it takes much to be a better companion than freakin’ Lucifer, though.’
‘I suppose not. But there’s no other human I would want to share a body with than you, Dean.’
“Alright, Cas is getting weird so I’m going to cut him off,” Dean told them with a strained smile. “Cas said he’s cool with it.”
“Uh-huh… That all he said?” Sam pressed his brother for more.
“Hey, I’ll tell you everything Cas directs to you. Everything Cas says to me, is my business.”
The corner of Sam’s mouth twitched as he fought hard to keep his laughter from bubbling out. “Dean, that… you’ve got to realize how that just sounded.”
‘I don’t understand… how did it sound?’
‘Sammy probably thinks you’re talking dirty to me in my head.’
‘Oh… I’m… not?’
‘I know you’re not, Cas. Sam’s just being nosy.’
“Good job, Sam. You embarrassed Cas,” Dean scolded him.
“I didn’t say anything!”
“Yeah, but you implied something, and it made Cas uncomfortable.”
‘Maybe it would be best if I left for a bit…’
‘What? No, Cas – you don’t have to do that. I’ll change the subject.’
“I made Cas uncomfortable? You sure it’s not you that’s uncomfortable?” Sam continued to tease.
“Whatever you say, Sammy,” Dean conceded with hands raised in the air.
“Isn’t there more important things we should be talking about?” Eileen cut into their childish sibling argument. “We still don’t know what brought me back, or why. And rebuilding Cas’s body? Do we even know if that’s possible?”
“We won’t know until we look into it further,” Dean answered, turning cautious eyes over to the door, unsure as to whether the footsteps he heard were heading towards their room. “And we can’t do that until we get back home to the bunker…”
‘Dean… I think the doctors are going to want to keep you in the hospital for a few more days… And I’m inclined to agree with them.’
‘What? I feel fine-,’
‘We’re sharing a body, Dean. I know you’re not ‘fine’. You only feel fine for the moment because of the painkillers you’re on. You need a few extra days for your body to heal and adjust to its alterations.’
‘If the only problem is me handling pain, I can assure you I can do that from the bunker, Cas.’
‘It’s not just that, Dean. I… I can’t heal you anymore. At all. If something were to go wrong, if you re-damaged your back and began bleeding internally… there’s nothing I could do. Please, just… a few extra days here is all I ask.’
‘Dammit… Alright, fine, Cas. Only because you asked so nicely…’
Dean decided not to add his crippling fear of what would happen to Cas if something happened to him.
’Thank you, Dean.’
‘Yeah, yeah… Besides, it’s not like we have to worry about a time limit this go around. You’re good so long as you don’t use any of your grace, right?’
‘Oh, um… yes. Yes, I should be fine if I don’t use any.’
“Alright, clearly you and Cas want some alone time,” Sam teased Dean mercilessly, giving Dean’s leg a light slap as he stood from the chair.
“What? No! That’s not-,”
“I’m joking, Dean,” Sam said with a smile, much too pleased with himself for Dean’s liking. “I need to go talk to the doctor about how long they think you need to stay… Then I really need to head back to the bunker and check up on Miracle; find a place that’ll take her while we’re here.”
“Oh, I see. The dog’s more important than your poor injured brother, huh?”
“Don’t pretend like you wouldn’t kick my ass for leaving her there alone.”
“You two have a very weird sibling dynamic…” Eileen said with a shake of her head.
‘Can you tell Eileen I couldn’t agree with her more?’
‘Don’t you start sassing me in my head, Cas.’
“Cas said he agrees with you…” Dean mumbled dejectedly, passing on Cas’s message.  Sam embarrassingly signed the message to Eileen who couldn’t make out Dean’s mumbles, cracking into laughter at the two brother’s shame at being called out.
“You want me to pick up anything from the bunker while I’m there?” Sam asked over the last of Eileen’s giggles. “Some books, maybe?”
“Could use my laptop for research – and no, not the ‘sexy’ type of research, before you say it.”
‘Sexy research?’
‘Porn, Cas. Porn.’
‘Oh… Um, if you could warn me in advance before you watch such content, I’ll put myself to sleep-,’
‘Stop talking, Cas. Stop talking right now.’
Dean already knew his face was burning a bright red. Sam and Eileen’s questioning looks were enough evidence of that
“…Laptop, got it,” Sam said after quite the gap in their conversation. “Uh… anything else?”
“A new change of clothes for when I get out of here… Don’t really fancy struggling out of here in this hospital gown with my ass hanging out in the wind.”
“You could have stopped at the first sentence. I really didn’t need that image in my head.” Sam said, face scrunching with disgust as he pulled the Impala’s keys out of his jacket pocket. “You gonna be okay here on your own for the night?”
“I’m not on my own. I’ve got Cas, remember?” Dean said, a smile creeping onto his face at the thought. Sam rolled his eyes as he turned away – for what reason Dean didn’t want to think about – gesturing with head to Eileen to follow him out of the room.
‘Ain’t that right, Cas? You’ll keep me company for the night, won’t you?’
The silence Dean got from his head was enough for the light-hearted smile on his face to slip away.
‘…Cas?’
‘You told me to stop talking.’
Dean snorted out loud, the sound catching Sam and Eileen off guard just before they stepped out from the room, sharing knowing looks and sly smiles with one another.
‘Damn… You have no idea how much I missed you, Cas.’
* * *
Next Chapter --->
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crimeronan · 4 years
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ik youre not a therapist and i dont want like therapy or anything but im 17 and ive known i was bipolar for 3 years now and i dont know how im supposed to live the rest of my life like this. im so fucking tired. how do you stay alive
you sent this a couple days ago & i’m posting at a weird time so i’m not sure if you’ll see it but.  
i’ve been looking at this message trying to decide how to respond
because i don’t know your situation, your symptoms, how you’re feeling, whether you’ve had positive or negative experiences with medication, psychiatrists, therapists, hospitals, all that related shit
the bipolar life advice i give to people is vastly different depending on the individual. it’s not a one size fits all thing.  and there’s never even a guarantee that my advice will be the right choice
so since i don’t know about your situation or experiences or what you want, i’m not gonna tell you what to do.  i’m gonna focus on the “how do you stay alive” question and try to pen down some personal feelings. and if they help then great, and if they don’t then... this is the most honest i can be
(you can always ask another question to get a better answer. my inbox is a coin slot and i am a vending machine of varied-degrees-of-helpfulness replies offered at varied-inconvenient-too-long-intervals)
-
how do i stay alive
it’s a 2-parter, actually.  i pondered how to condense my thoughts/feelings, and it came down to these two things
1. love 2. spite
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1. love
the spite is easier to write about than the love.  love is hard to reach when i feel like shit.
spite is where i go when i want to die.  love is where i go when i want to want to live.
maybe i don’t want to be alive.  but maybe i wish i did.  spite doesn’t help me much there.  spite keeps me afloat, but it doesn’t make the floating pleasurable.  there’s more to life than outlasting everything that ever hurt me.  i need a reason to continue when there’s no enemy to fight
so. love
i almost wrote about the spite alone because that’s rawer, realer, more visceral.  that’s the shit that CONNECTS when everything feels hopeless.  but it would be a lie of omission.  spite is only one of the major food groups, you’ll waste away from malnutrition if you eat it for every meal. or at least, i will.
“so you’ve got a bunch of people you love,” you say, “and you stick around for them.  cry on them.  support each other.  like each other.  fine.”  you’ve heard this story before
nah.
i mean - yes.  i have people i love.  i live with two partners, i’ve got a third girlfriend, i’ve got a long-distance platonic life partner.  i have a support net, i have a family i’ve forged, i have confidence that i’m not alone.  i have, in a bare-bones checklist sort of way, fulfilled my physiological human need for connection
but i could live without every single one of them.  i’m not dependent upon any of them for my survival.  i’m not dependent upon them for love, given or received.  (this isn’t a callous cruelty, it won’t hurt them if/when they read this.  i’ve told them all this, they know.  they’re glad of it.)
so.  what the fuck does “love” mean, then?
the short explanation is that it’s my love of life, of things in the world.  it’s all the little connections i’ve made.  every time i love something, a hook tethers to the universe.  hook enough tethers, and i no longer feel the need to float away.  no dissolution of self today, sir
the rest of this section is some of the things i love. partially it’s to show how i connect to little things and ascribe magic to the mundane.  partially it’s because i like thinking about things i love, i like typing them out, and i like that i could keep going for thousands and thousands of words.
i am laying in bed at 7:30 AM with the lights off and the shades drawn.  blue  light comes through the slats because it’s the better time of year, the one where i finally get vitamin D, the one where the birds chirp at 4AM, the one where the sky isn’t impenetrably black til 10PM.
there’s a weighted blanket tucked around my legs.  my partner rafi bought it for us to share because it’s soothing and heavy and comforting and helps with my physical pain.  right now it’s soft on my skin and if i get too emotional as i write, i can pull it over me like a cloak until i’m settled.
the apartment’s walls are blank because we’ve spent eight months intending to put art up and keep forgetting.  but there’s a newly-unearthed dining area in the kitchen because i finally shifted around the unpacked boxes that were dominating the space.  it’s new and it surprises me every time i walk out there.  it’s open and inviting and bright and it’s a sign that we’re making this place home.
we’ll put a cheap IKEA table by the window and we’ll probably never eat family dinners there - why would we sit in hard chairs and make stiff conversation when we could all cuddle on the couch - but my partner dev will create a place to do their art and the surface will be constantly littered with drying watercolor experiments.
we’ll hang our art one of these days, too, when our collective adhd offers a miraculous combo of remembering + having time + having motivation + having inspiration.  rafi has the most art because they’ve been collecting it for years.  i have to start smaller.  i’m not used to keeping physical objects.  dev has a few pieces thrifted or bought at local artist events or painted themselves
so we’ll put art up in the living room, my single “you are magic” flower print alongside a naked monster lady that dev fell in love with when we browsed art at a yuletide event months ago, alongside rafi’s monster girls and comic characters and book characters and literature art and quotes and abstract pieces and whatever else they have hiding in boxes.
my head protests that naked monster ladies do not belong in the living room, although the picture isn’t overtly sexual.  but then i remember that they do, actually, because it’s our space and we can do whatever we want with it as long as the lease isn’t broken.  there isn’t anyone in the local social circles who’d be perturbed by the decor, as far as i know.  i don’t have to hide anything from my parents because i live 3600 miles from them, and even though i miss my mom, the distance is good for me
there are two exquisite chairs on the porch.  they fold and recline from thrones to nearly-horizontal beds.  there are pillows and cupholders and trays and specific spaces for both a book and a phone.  i can sit there while the morning sun rises and read or play word games or browse tumblr, cup of coffee beside me, trees shielding my eyes from stabby sunbeams
there are remnants of the last tenant’s garden in one corner of the yard.  we’ve done fuckall for yardwork but plants struggle through anyway.  some seem to have sprouted by accident.  mushroom clusters populate the edges of the fence.  the apartment squirrel (there are probably several, but i like to think it’s a single energetic creature) runs back and forth along the fence & i always lose my train of thought & then laugh my ASS off at the “SQUIRREL! XD” adhd moment.  birds kick up leaf litter and play on the ground looking for insects to eat, they wiggle their tail feathers and flap their wings and sometimes they disappear and then return with friends
a little more than eleven months ago, i packed all of dev’s and my shit into a uhaul and drove and drove and drove to get to this city i’d never been in before to live with a partner i’d never cohabitated with.  we were homeless for more than a month, we weathered some financial disasters, we met some great people and some shitty ones
on the drive i fell in love with the sky.  i didn’t know how big it can get - actually, that’s a lie.  i’d FORGOTTEN how big it can get.  i’ve loved the sky thirty miles out to sea, no land in sight in any direction, just blue water and blue space above.  i’ve loved the vastness and the yawning beneath me and the knowledge that everything is BIGGER than i can fathom.  the depth of the sea doesn’t frighten me, it’s home. i don’t want to die, but if i had to, the ocean makes a soothing grave
in north dakota i discovered that i’ve been partially blind my whole life, which is a different tale that showed me i’ll never stop learning myself.  in montana we struggled up thousands of feet of mountains with the car huffing and puffing at the trailer’s weight, and when we finally coasted downward, it felt like sudden freefall.  we ended up in the pitch darkness of night on sheer winding interstates with midnight construction projects forcing detours.  the mountains felt hungry, they had teeth.  mountain cliffs are much scarier to me than the ocean depths
i bought a red bull and poured a little out the driver’s side door as an offering to hermes, because i’m not particularly religious but i’ll take help where i can get it.  slammed that back in a few gulps and shook to bright-eyed alertness and ended up behind a slow-driving red pickup truck that guided us over about a hundred miles of mountain terrain
i thought, that’s just some construction worker driving between sites.  the roads are empty at this time of night, but it’s an interstate.  of course we’d end up behind someone.  this isn’t divine intervention.  this isn’t the benevolence of a god
i thought, but it can be a little magic.  if i want it to be.  
and it was.  it stays with me.
god help me but i’ve been writing this stream of consciousness for more than 30 minutes and i’ve said nothing.  i haven’t talked about the city, the parks, the people, the conversations, the books, the tv shows, the movies, the communities, the library, the animals, writing, reading, singing, acting, swimming, analyzing, creating, supporting, building.  and i can keep going.  i can come up with hundreds and hundreds of things i love and i can write paragraphs about all of them
so i’ll stop here.  you get the picture.  love is the life i’ve made for myself, the surroundings i’ve built, the quiet moments i can capture, the inspiration i pin, the magic i commit to memory.
i had to work so damn hard for every single bit of this.
i’ll be fucking damned if i let it go because my brain tried to trick me into thinking death is better.
-
2. spite
there are people who want me to die.
i don’t mean that i have a giant entourage of personalized enemies who curse my name and plan my individual demise.  although there have been plenty of people who have not liked me much.  probably some of them would enjoy my death.  i don’t give a shit about that
there are people who want me dead because i am a dot on a grid they dislike.  a faceless anonymous enemy who meets too many bad criteria with numbers and percentages and shrinking majorities and shifting public opinion
because i’m gay.  because i’m bipolar.  because i’m autistic.  because i’m a dropout.  because i grew up poor.  because my spine curves and my shoulders ache.  because i squandered my potential, because i didn’t have enough potential, because i didn’t love god enough, because i love the wrong gods, because i don’t worship, because i worship wrong, because i didn’t seek a husband, because i never wanted one, because i talk too much, because i can’t be controlled, because i chose to leave the fold when i realized it was suffocating me, because i’m ugly, because i’m gorgeous, because my body belongs to me
pick your poison.
this bothered me growing up, a lot. i knew i did not deserve to die. but if enough people tell you that you should, a little part of you will wonder if they’re right.  that little part might become bigger the closer they get and the louder they shout and the longer they wear you down
we know the rough shape of this story, i don’t need to tell it.  mine was messy and not triumphant and i survived more by chance than premeditation.
i’m older now.  by and large i’m still young as shit - i’m 24 - but GOD i am LEAGUES away from 15, 16, 17. i know who i am. i know what i want. i know how to get it. and when i don’t know that, i find out. i tell the truth.  i ask for what i want.  i use my time how i want.  i do what i want.
there are days that i can’t access the “love” side of the equation.  no finding poetry in birdsong or sugared coffee for me, thank you, i feel like shit and the world is awful and everything is too big and fast and cruel and everything wants me to die and it wants everything i love to die, too.  everyone i love.  it’s all garbage. the good doesn’t touch me
trauma is difficult to describe.  the difficulty is compounded by the fact that my trauma is influenced by my various neurodivergences, bipolar included.  i never know if i’m feeling what other people do.  i don’t know if i’m voicing unpalatable feelings others are afraid to express - or if i’m just othering myself, admitting i’m not as human as everyone else.
there is something malevolent and monstrous inside me.  i don’t touch it all the time.  but i don’t pretend it isn’t there.  it sits in my chest and molders or radiates or oozes.  it presses at my throat.  it curdles in my stomach.  it hurts what it touches, whether that’s me or someone i love or someone i hate.  it sets things aflame with no regard for the precious or the fragile.  it tears down walls and razes shelters and begs for apocalyptic rain.
i can give this thing names, clinical descriptors.  i know what it is on a diagnostic chart, in a ponderous article, in an academic debate, in a fiction novel, in a war movie, in a memoir.  there are a thousand ways to describe this thing.  the descriptors aren’t important.  what is important is this - i have learned that most people do not walk side-by-side with a tornado-hurricane-hellfire-weaponized-open-nuclear-reactor.  this is not a “normal” expression of human emotion, this is not me trying to ascribe power to “bad bipolar feelings.”  this thing lives in me and i know why it’s there and it is not designed to be held/silenced/muzzled/controlled by my body.
it does not help to pretend this thing does not exist.  it does not help to try to reason it away or ignore it or tell it to stop.  it wants what it wants, it does what it does.  possibly if i was better at therapy or stubbornness then i wouldn’t resign myself to that
but it is fucking EXHAUSTING to try to fight something that’s part of me.  to try to reshape it, rename it, pare it down, make it consumable for the masses.  it’s a war i have never won and it’s a war that i will lose if i keep fighting it.  i cannot fight with myself.  i cannot beat my monster into submission.  if we’re gonna battle like that, head to head, me trying to cut it down, me trying to be the hero, it rearing back like a fire-breathing dragon,
then it’s stronger.  it’s always stronger.
so i surrender.
but that’s not where i stop.
can’t fight it.  can’t kill it.  can’t muzzle it.  can’t reshape it, can’t disarm it, can’t contain it.  
alright.  
so what now.
if the surrender was a full giving-up, this is where i’d passively accept that i’m doomed to hurt and destroy everything precious to me.  can’t fix it.  will lose everything, will never experience or deserve happiness, will make the world worse simply by existing.
that sure does sound like impending-doom rhetoric.  hop skip and a jump from some dire-ass conclusions.  
so fuck that, i say. 
here’s a better question.
if it has to get out, then what happens if i control where it goes?
here’s the thing.
the monster doesn’t care what it kills or destroys or hurts.  
“have a conscience, care about things, remember love, stop yourself, don’t do this don’t do this don’t do this.” 
 losing battle.  lost war.
 it’s not the monster’s fault.  the monster doesn’t have complex motivations or hates or fears.  it exists to protect me through scorched earth.  a remnant of a chemical imbalance, maladaptive coping mechanism, bipolar crazy, traumatized injury.  it doesn’t know that its job is obsolete.
i can’t change the monster.
but my mind is a separate thing.  my mind knows what matters, what my priorities are, what i find precious, what i want to protect.  my mind remembers all the things the monster doesn’t.  
my mind has learned things the monster can’t.
when i fight it head-on, the malevolence is stronger than me.  but as i am, walking with it, sitting in my bed writing this while examining the void and the consciousness, describing it, quantifying it,
that’s when i’m stronger.
and with my mind as the stronger force, i can decide where the monster goes.  what it touches.  what it destroys.  what it burns.  where the ashes land.
i do not want to be a destructive person.  i want to be someone who builds, repairs, changes.  i want to make the world better for kids like me.  i want to stop pouring more gasoline onto a fire that’s been burning since long before i was born.  i want to believe - i do believe - that positive change is better than negative.  i do my best to plant good things and enact that positive change instead of becoming a beacon of wrath.
but there are a lot of kids surrounded by people who want them to die, and not all of them have a protective monster.
so it’s good.
when i’m depressed, my mind loses its battles.  my cognizance slips.  i forget why i care.  i forget what i want.  i forget how happiness feels, how to find pleasure in quiet moments.  
i don’t get depressed as often as i used to since my meds are adjusted correctly now.  but it still happens.  it will keep happening for the rest of my life.
my mind weakens and curls up and stops fighting, and the monster is always there.
it’s a very powerful thing when it wants to be.
it wants to survive.
the thing is, it knows there are people that want me/us/whatever dead.  it’s been fighting them forever.  die like they want?  my mind says, sure, what does it matter.
the monster says, nah.  our work isn’t done.  and fuck them, anyway.
so we get up.
-
so that’s how i stay alive.
i typed this for 90 minutes and after editing i’d spent two hours on this post.  i don’t know if anyone will read it all.  i don’t know if it’ll mean anything.  i don’t know if these thoughts even make sense, much less if i’ve conveyed the feelings i have.
i love being alive.  and when i don’t, i love being a monster.  it’s good.  all of it is good.  i’ve reconciled my uglier pieces.  it’s not one or the other, love or spite.  it’s symbiosis.  i need both, i love both.
no guarantees that this is helpful, but based purely on my own life experience, these are my tips for survival:
you’ll have to find your own roots.  i can’t give them to you.  
but it’s possible to dig them in and spread them far enough that one uprooted peg doesn’t shift your whole equilibrium.  
and when you’re tired, rest, and let yourself be tired, and find the reason why you’re staying in the world. 
 i’m positive there’s at least one.
figure out why you’re losing your battles and then change the game.
if you can’t win one setup, don’t try to beat the system.  adjust your strategy.
you’ll be surprised by what you can love when you stop fighting the disparate pieces of you, and instead figure out how to use them.
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alanlicht · 4 years
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Alan Licht’s Minimal Top Ten List #4
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A few weeks ago, near the beginning of the COVID-19 pandemic, my friend Mats Gustafsson sent out a mass email encouraging people to send him record lists to post on the “Discaholics” section of his website--top tens, favorite covers, anything. I immediately thought of the first 3 Minimal Top Ten lists I did (now found online here) back in 1995, 1997, and 2007 respectively, for the fanzine Halana (the first two) and Volcanic Tongue’s website (the third), and sent them to him. Those articles have sort of taken on a life of their own, and I still see them referenced as the albums get reissued and so on. Occasionally people ask me if I’d ever do another one, and looking at all three again made me think now is the hour. I started writing this in the midst of the lockdown, and the drastic reductions in people’s way of life—the restriction of any activity outside the home to the bare essentials, the relative stasis of life in quarantine, even the visual stasis of a Zoom meeting—make revisiting Minimal music, with its aesthetic of working within limitations and hallmarks of repetition and drones, somehow timely as well.
The original lists were never meant to represent “the best” Minimal albums: they were ones that were rare and in some cases surpass, in my opinion, more widely available releases by the same artist and/or better known examples of the genre. Some were records that hadn’t been classified as Minimalist but warranted consideration through that lens. Likewise, the lists aren’t meant to be ranked within themselves, or in comparison to each other; the first record on any of the lists isn’t necessarily vastly preferable to the last, and this fourth list is not the bottom of the barrel, by any stretch. In some cases the present list has records I’ve discovered since 2007; others are records I’ve known for quite a while but haven’t included before for one reason or another. I’ve also made an addendum to selected entries on the first three lists, which have become fairly dated in terms of what is currently available by many of the artists, and to account for some of the significant archival releases in the 25 years since I first compiled them.
Unlike the mid-90s, most if not all of these records can be heard and/or purchased online, whether they’re up on YouTube or available for sale on Discogs. So finding them will be easier than before (although I haven’t included links to any of the titles as a small tribute to the legwork involved in tracking records down in olden tymes), but hopefully the spirit of sharing knowledge and passions that drove my previous efforts, forged in the pre-internet fanzine world, hasn’t been rendered totally redundant by the 24/7 onslaught of virtual note-comparing in social media.
1. Simeon ten Holt Canto Ostinato (various recordings): This was the most significant discovery for me in the last decade, a piece with over one hundred modules to be played on any instrument but mostly realized over the years with two to four pianos. I first encountered a YouTube live video of four pianists tackling it over the course of 90 minutes or so, then bought a double CD on Brilliant Classics from 2005, also for four pianos, that runs about 2 and half hours. The original 3LP recording on Donemus, from 1984, lasts close to 3 hours. It’s addictively listenable, very hypnotic in that pulsed, Steve Reich “Piano Phase”/”Six Pianos” kind of way, with lots of recurring themes (which differentiates it from Terry Riley’s “In C,” its most obvious structural antecedent). Composed over the span of the 70s, as with Roberto Cacciapaglia’s Sei Note in Logica, it’s an  example of someone contemporaneously taking the ball from Reich or Riley and running with it. Every recording I’ve heard has been enjoyable, I’ve yet to pick a favorite.
2. David Borden Music for Amplified Keyboard Instruments (Red Music, 1981) 3. Mother Mallard’s Portable Masterpiece Co. Like a Duck to Water (Earthquack, 1976): These were some of my most cherished Minimal recordings when I was a teenager in the mid-80s, and are still not particularly well-known; they’re probably the biggest omission in the previous lists (at least from my perspective). Borden formed Mother Mallard, supposedly the first all-synthesizer ensemble, as a trio in the late 60s, although there’s electric piano on the records too. He went on to do music under his own name that hinged on the multi-keyboard Minimalism-meets-Renaissance classical concept he first explored with Mother Mallard, as exemplified by his 12-part series “The Continuing Story of Counterpoint” (a title inspired by both Philip Glass’ “Music in Twelve Parts” and the Beatles’ “The Continuing Story of Bungalow Bill”). I first heard Parts 6 & 9 of “Continuing Story” (from Music for Amplified Keyboard Instruments) on Tim Page’s 1980s afternoon radio show on WNYC, and bought the Mother Mallard LPs (Like A Duck is the second, the first is self-titled) from New Music Distribution Service soon after. I mail-ordered the Borden album  from Wayside Music, which had cut-out copies, maybe a year later (c. 1986). I wasn’t much of a synth guy, but I loved the propulsive, rapid-fire counterpoint and fast-changing, lyrical melodies found on these records. “C-A-G-E Part 2,” which occupies side 2 of the Mother Mallard album and utilizes only those pitches, has to be a pinnacle of the Minimal genre. Interestingly, Borden claims to not really be able to “hear” harmony and composes each part of these (generally) three-part inventions individually, all the way through. The two-piano “Continuing Story of Counterpoint Part Two” on the 1985 album Anatidae is also beloved by me, and there was an archival Mother Mallard CD called Music by David Borden (Arbiter, 2003) that’s worth hearing.
4. Charles Curtis/Charles Curtis Trio: Ultra White Violet Light/Sleep (Beau Rivage, 1997): Full disclosure: Charles is a long-time friend, but this record seems forgotten and deserves another look, especially in light of the long-overdue 3CD survey of his performances of other composers’ material that Saltern released last year. This was a double album of four side-long tracks, conceived with the intent that two sides could be played simultaneously, in several different configurations; two of them are Charles solo on cello and sine tones, the others are with a trio and have spoken vocals and rock instrumentation, with cello and the sine tones also thrown into the mix. (I’ve never heard any of the sides combined, although now it would probably be easily achieved with digital mixing software.) The instrumental stuff is the closest you can come to hearing Charles’ beautiful arrangement of Terry Jennings’ legendary “Piece for Cello and Saxophone,” at least until his own recording of it sees the light of day; the same deeply felt cello playing against a sine tone drone. And it would be interesting to see what Slint fans thought of the trio material. Originally packaged in a nifty all-white uni-pak sleeve with a photo print pasted into the gatefold, it was reissued with a different cover on the now-defunct Squealer label on LP and CD but has disappeared since then. Stellar.
5. Arthur Russell Instrumentals 1974 Vol. 2 (Another Side/Crepuscule, 1984) 6. Peter Zummo Zummo with an X (Loris, 1985):  Arthur Russell has posthumously developed a somewhat surprising indie rock audience, mostly for his unique songs and singing as well as his outré disco tracks. But he was also a modern classical composer, with serious Minimal cred—he’s on Jon Gibson’s Songs & Melodies 1973-1977 (see addendum), and played with Henry Flynt and Christer Hennix at one point; his indelible album of vocal and cello sparseness, World of Echo, was partially recorded at Phill Niblock’s loft and of course his Tower of Meaning LP was released on Glass’s Chatham Square label. He’s the one guy in the 70s and 80s (or after, for that matter) who connected the dots between Ali Akbar Khan, the Modern Lovers, Minimalism, and disco as different forms of trance music (taken together, both sides of his disco 12” “In the Light of the Miracle,” which total nearly a half-hour, could arguably be considered one of his Minimalist compositions). Recorded in 1977 & 1978, Instrumentals is an important signpost of the incipient Pop Minimalism impulse, and the first track is a pre-punk precursor to Rhys Chatham and Glenn Branca’s appropriations of the rock band format to pursue Minimal pathways (Chatham is one of the performers in that first piece). The rest, culled from a concert at the Kitchen, features long held tones from horns and strings and is quite graceful, if slightly undercut by Arthur’s own slightly jarring, apparently random edits. [Audika’s 2006 reissue, as part of the double CD First Thought Best Thought, includes a 1975 concert that was slated to be Instrumentals Vol. 1, which shows an even more specific pop/rock/Minimal intersection]. Zummo was a long-term collaborator of Russell’s and his album, which Arthur plays on, is a must for Russell aficionados. The first side is made up of short, plain pieces that repeat various simple intervals and are fairly hard-core Minimalism, but “Song IV,” which occupies all of side two, is like an extended, jammy take on Russell’s disco 12” “Treehouse” and has Bill Ruyle on bongos, who also played on Instrumentals as well as with Steve Reich and Jon Gibson. A recently unearthed concert at Roulette from 1985 is a further, and especially intriguing, example of Russell’s blending of Minimalism and song form. (That same year Arthur played on Elodie Lauten’s The Death of Don Juan--another record I first encountered via Tim Page’s radio show--which I included on Top Ten #3; Lauten as well as Zummo played on the Russell Roulette concert, as their website alleges).
7. Horacio Vaggione La Maquina de Cantar (Cramps, 1978): Another one-off from the late 70s, and yet more evidence of how Minimalism had really caught on as a trend among European composers of the time. Vaggione had a previous duo album with Eduardo Polonio under the name It called Viaje that was noisier electronics, and he went on to do computer music that was likewise more traditionally abstract. But on this sole effort for the Italian label Cramps, as part of their legendary Nova Musicha series, he went for full-on tonality. The title track is like the synth part of “Who Are You” extended for more than fifteen minutes and made a bit squishier; but side 2, “Ending”--already mentioned in the entry on David Rosenboom’s Brainwave Music in Top Ten #3--is my favorite. Kind of a bridge between Minimalism and prog, and a little reminiscent of David Borden’s multiple-synth counterpoint pieces, for the first ten minutes he lingers on one vaguely foreboding arpeggiated chord, then introduces a fanfare melody that repeats and builds in harmonies and countermelodies for the remainder of the piece. Great stuff, as Johnny Carson used to say.
8. Costin Miereanu Derives (Poly-Art, 1984): Miereanu is French composer coming out of musique concrete. Unlike some of the albums on these lists, both sides/pieces on Derives are superb, comprised of long drones with flurries of skittering electronic activity popping up here and there. Also notable is the presence of engineers Philip Besomes and Jean-Louis Rizet, responsible for Pôle, the great mid-70s prog double album that formed the basis of Graham Lambkin’s meta-meisterwork Amateur Doubles. I discovered this record via the old Continuo blog; Miereanu has lots of albums out, most of which I haven’t heard, but his 1975 debut Luna Cinese, another Cramps Nova Musicha item, is also estimable, although less Minimal.
9. Mikel Rouse Broken Consort Jade Tiger (Les Disques du Crepuscule, 1984): Rouse was a major New Music name in the 80s, as was Microscopic Septet saxist Philip Johnston, who plays here. Dominated by Reichian repeated fills that accentuate the odd time signatures as opposed to an underlying pulse, this will sound very familiar to anyone acquainted with Nik Bärtsch’s Ronin albums on ECM, which use the same general idea but brand it “zen funk” and cater more to the progressive jazz crowd rather than New Music fans, if we can be that anachronistic in our terminology. Jade Tiger also contrasts nicely with Wim Mertens’ more neo-Romantic contemporaneous excursions on Crepuscule. Rouse later performed the admirable (and daunting) task of cataloging Arthur Russell’s extensive tape archive for the preparation of Another Thought (Point Music, 1994)
10. Michael Nyman Decay Music (Obscure, 1976): Known for his soundtracks to Peter Greenaway films, and his still-peerless 1974 book Experimental Music: Cage and Beyond (where I, Jim O’Rourke, and doubtless many other intrepid teenage library goers learned of the Minimalists, Fluxus, AMM, and lots of other eternal avant heroes), Nyman is sometimes credited with coining the term “Minimal music” as well, in an early 70s article in The Spectator. Decay Music was produced by Brian Eno for his short-lived but wonderful Obscure label. The first side, “1-100,” was also composed for a Greenaway film, and has one hundred chords played one after another on piano, each advancing to the next once the sound has decayed from the previous chord (hence the album title). For all its delicacy and silences, you’re actually hearing three renditions superimposed on one another, which occasionally makes for some charming chordal collisions (reminiscent of the cheerfully clumsy, subversive “variations” of Pachelbel’s “Canon in D major” on Eno’s own Discreet Music, the most celebrated Obscure release). This is process music at its most fragile and incandescent. In hindsight it may have also been an unconscious influence on the structure of my piece “A New York Minute,” which lines up a month’s worth of weather reports from news radio, edited so that one day’s forecast follows its prediction from the previous day. I’ve never found the album’s other piece, “Bell Set No. 1,” to be quite as compelling, and Nyman’s other soundtrack work doesn’t hold much interest for me, but I’ve often returned to this album.
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11. J Dilla Donuts (Stones Throw, 2006): One more for the road. Rightfully acclaimed as a masterpiece of instrumental hip hop, I have to confess I only discovered Donuts while reading Questlove’s 2013 book Mo’ Meta Blues, where he compared it to Terry Riley. The brevity of the tracks (31of ‘em in 44 minutes) and the lack of single-mindedness make categorizing Donuts as a Minimal album a bit of a stretch, but Questlove’s namecheck makes a whole lot of sense if you play “Don’t Cry” back to back with Riley’s proto-Plunderphonic “You’re Nogood,” and “Glazed” is the only hip hop track to ever remind me of Philip Glass. Plus the infinite-loop sequencing of the opening “Outro” and concluding “Intro” make this a statement of Eternal Music that outstrips La Monte Young and leaves any locked groove release in the proverbial dust. There isn’t the space here to really explore how extended mixes, all night disco DJ sets, etc. could be encountered in alignment with Minimalism, although I would steer the curious towards Pete Rock’s Petestrumentals (BBE, 2001), Larry Levan’s Live at the Paradise Garage (Strut, 2000), and, at the risk of being immodest, my own “The Old Victrola” from Plays Well (Crank Automotive, 2001). On a (somewhat) related note I’d also point out Rupie Edwards’ Ire Feelings Chapter and Version (Trojan, 1990) which collects 16 of the producer/performer’s 70s dub reggae tracks, all built from the exact same same rhythm track--mesmerizing, even by dub’s trippy standards. 
Addendum:
Tony Conrad: “Maybe someday Tony’s blistering late 80s piece ‘Early Minimalism’ will be released, or his fabulous harmonium soundtrack to Piero Heliczer’s early 60s film The New Jerusalem.” That was the last line of my entry on Tony’s Outside the Dream Syndicate in the first Top Ten list in 1995, and sure enough, Table of the Elements issued “Early Minimalism” as a monumental CD box set in 1997 and released that soundtrack as Joan of Arc in 2006 (it’s the same film; I saw it screened c. 1990 under the name The New Jerusalem but it’s more commonly known as Joan of Arc).  Tony releases proliferated in the last twenty years of his life, which was heartening to see; I’d particularly single out Ten Years Alive on the Infinite Plain (Superior Viaduct, 2017), which rescues a 1972 live recording of what is essentially a prototype for Outside played by Tony, Rhys Chatham, and Laurie Spiegel (Rhys has mentioned his initial disgruntlement upon hearing Outside, as it was the same piece that he had played with Tony, i.e. “Ten Years Alive,” but he found himself and Laurie replaced by Faust!) and an obscure compilation track, “DAGADAG for La Monte” (on Avanto 2006, Avanto, 2006), where he plays the pitches d, a, and g on violin, loops them over and over , and continually re-harmonizes them electronically--really one of his best pieces.
Terry Riley: The archival Riley CDs that Cortical Foundation issued in the 90s and early 00s don’t seem to be in print, but I feel they eclipse Reed Streams (reissued by Cortical as part of that series) and are crucial for fans of his early work, especially the live Poppy Nogood’s Phantom Band All Night Flight Vol. 1, an important variant on the studio take, and You’re Nogood (see Dilla entry above). These days I would also recommend Descending Moonshine Dervishes (Kuckuck, 1982/recorded 1975) over  Persian Surgery Dervishes (Shandar, 1975), which I mentioned in the original entry on Reed Streams in the first Top Ten; a lot of the harmonic material in Descending can also be heard in Terry’s dream-team 1975 meeting with Don Cherry in Köln, which has been bootlegged several times in the last few years. Finally, Steffen Schleiermacher recorded the elusive “Keyboard Study #1” (as well as “#2,” which had already seen release in a version by Germ on the BYG label and as “Untitled Organ” on Reed Streams), albeit on a programmed electronic keyboard, on the CD Keyboard Studies (MDG, 2002). As you might expect it’s a little synthetic-sounding, but it also has a weird kinetic edge (imagine the “Baba O’Riley” intro being played on a Conlon Nancarrow player piano) that’s lacking in later acoustic piano renditions recorded by Gregor Schwellenbach and Fabrizio Ottaviucci. But any of these versions is rewarding for those interested in Riley’s early output.
Henry Flynt, Charlemagne Palestine: A few of the artists on that first Top Ten list went from being sorely under-documented to having a plethora of material on the market, and Henry and Charlemagne are at the top of the heap. I stand by You Are My Everlovin, finally reissued on CD by Recorded in 2001, as Henry’s peak achievement, but I’m also partial to “Glissando,” a tense, feverish raga drone from 1979 that Recorded put out on the Glissando No. 1 CD in 2011. Charlemagne’s Four Manifestations On Six Elements double album still holds up well, as does an album of material initially recorded for it, Arpeggiated Bösendorfer and Falsetto Voice (Algha Marghen, 2017). The Strumming Music LP on Shandar is a definitive performance, and best heard as an unbroken piece on the New Tone CD reissue from 1995. Godbear (CD on Barooni, vinyl on Black Truffle), originally recorded for Glenn Branca’s Neutral label (which had also scheduled a Phill Niblock release before going belly-up), has 1987 takes of “Strumming Music” and two other massive pieces that date from the late 70s, “Timbral Assault” and “The Lower Depths”; Algha Marghen released a vintage full-length concert of the latter as a triple CD.
Steve Reich: Not a particularly rare record, but his “Variations on Winds, Strings and Keyboards,” a 1979 piece for orchestra on a 1984 LP issued by Phillips (paired with an orchestral arrangement of John Adams’ “Shaker Loops”), is often overlooked among the works from his “golden era” and I’d frankly rate it as his best orchestral piece.
Phill Niblock, Eliane Radigue: As with Henry and Charlemagne, after a slow start as “recording artists” loads of CDs by these two have appeared over the last twenty years. Phill and Eliane’s music was never best served by the vinyl format anyway—you won’t find a lackluster release by either composer, go to it.
Jon Gibson: I called “Cycles,” from Gibson’s Two Solo Pieces, “one of the ultimate organ drones on record” in the first Top Ten list, and it remains so, but Phill Niblock’s”Unmounted/Muted Noun” from 2019′s Music for Organ ought to sit right beside it. Meanwhile, Superior Viaduct’s recent Gibson double album Songs & Melodies 1973-1977 collects some great pieces from the same era as Two Solo Pieces, with players including Arthur Russell, Peter Zummo, Barbara Benary, and Julius Eastman. 
John Stevens: In Top Ten #2 I mentioned John Stevens’ presence on the first side of John Lennon & Yoko Ono’s Life With the Lions; the Stevens-led Spontaneous Music Orchestra’s For You To Share (1973) documents his performance pieces “Sustained Piece” and “If You Want to See A Vision,” where musicians and vocalists sustain tones until they run out of breath and then begin again, which result in a highly meditative and organic drone/sound environment. In my early 00′s Digger Choir performances at Issue Project Room  we did “Sustained Piece,” and Stevens’ work was a big influence on conceptualizing those concerts, where the only performers were the audience themselves. The CD reissue on Emanem from 1998 added “Peace Music,” an unreleased studio half-hour studio cut with a similar Gagaku--meets--free/modal jazz vibe. I also mentioned “Sustained Piece” in my liner notes to Natural Information Society’s Mandatory Reality too, if that helps as a point of reference.
Anthony Moore: Back in ’97 I wondered “How and why Polydor was convinced to release these albums [Pieces from the Cloudland Ballroom and Scenes from the Blue Bag] is beyond me (anyone know the story)?” That mystery was ultimately solved by Benjamin Piekut in his fascinating-even-if-you-never-listen-to-these-guys book Henry Cow: The World is A Problem (Duke University Press, 2019)—it turns out it was all Deutsche Gramophone’s idea!
Terry Jennings, Maryanne Amacher, Julius Eastman--“Three Great Minimalists With No Commercially Available Recordings” (sidebar from Minimal Top Ten list #2): Happily this no longer applies to these three, although Terry and Maryanne are still under-represented. One archival recording of Jennings and Charlotte Moorman playing a short version of “Piece for Cello and Saxophone” appeared on Moorman’s 2006 Cello Anthology CD box set on Alga Marghen, and he’s on “Terry’s Cha Cha” on that 2004 John Cale New York in the 60s Table of the Elements box too. John Tilbury recorded five of his piano pieces on Lost Daylight (Another Timbre, 2010) and Charles Curtis’ version of “Song” appears on the aforementioned Performances and Recordings 1998-2018 triple CD.
Whether or not Maryanne should really be considered a Minimalist (or a sound artist, for that matter) is, I guess, debatable, but I primarily see her as the unqualified genius of the generation of composers who emerged in the post-Cage era, and the classifications ultimately don’t matter—remember she was on those Swarm of Drones/ Throne of Drones/ Storm of Drones ambient techno comps in the 90s, and I’d call her music Gothic Industrial if it would get more people to check it out (and that might be fun to try, come to think of it). She made a belated debut with the release of the Sound Characters CD on Tzadik in 1998, an event I found significant enough to warrant pitching an interview with her to the WIRE, who agreed—it was my first piece for them. Her music was/is best experienced live (the Amacher concert I saw at the Performing Garage in 1993 is still, almost three decades later, the greatest concert I’ve ever witnessed) but that Tzadik CD is reasonably representative, and there was a sequel CD on Tzadik in 2008. More recently Blank Forms issued a live recording of her two-piano piece “Petra” (a concert I also attended, realizing when I got there that it was in the same Chelsea church where Connie Burg, Melissa Weaver and I recorded with Keiji Haino for the Gerry Miles with Keiji Haino CD).  While it’s somewhat anomalous in Amacher’s canon, making a piece for acoustic instruments available for home consumption would doubtless have been more palatable to the composer herself, who rightly felt that CDs and LPs didn’t do justice to the extraordinary psychoacoustic phenomena intrinsic to her electronic music. “Petra” is more reminiscent of Morton Feldman than anything else, with a few passages that could be deemed “minimal.” Some joker posted a 26-minute, ancient lo-fi “bootleg” (their term) recording of her “Living Sound, Patent Pending” piece from her Music for Sound-Joined Rooms installation/performance series on SoundCloud, which is a little like looking at a Xerox of a Xerox of a photo of the Taj Mahal; but you can still visit the Taj Mahal more easily than hearing this or any of Maryanne’s work in concert or in situ, so sadly, it’s better than nothing (and longer than the 7 minute edit of the piece on the Ohm: Early Gurus of Electronic Music CD from 2000).
A few years after Top Ten #2 I was on the phone with an acquaintance at New World Records, who told me he was listening to a Julius Eastman tape that they were releasing as part of a 3CD set. Say what?!?!? Unjust Malaise appeared shortly thereafter and was a revelation. Arnold Dreyblatt had sent me a live tape some time before then of an Eastman piece labeled “Gangrila”—that turned out to be “Gay Guerrilla,” and is surely one of my five favorite pieces of music in existence (the tape Arnold sent was from the 1980 Kitchen European tour and I consider it to be a more moving performance than the Chicago concert that appears on the CD, although it’s an inferior recording). The other multiple piano pieces on Unjust Malaise more than lived up to the descriptions of Eastman performances that I’d read. The somewhat berserk piano concert I mentioned in that entry seems similar to another live tape issued as The Zurich Concert (New World, 2017), and “Femenine,” a piece performed by the S.E.M. Ensemble, came out on Frozen Reeds in 2016. Eastman’s rediscovery is among the most vital and gratifying developments of recent music history--kudos must be given to Mary Jane Leach, herself a Minimalist composer, for diligently and doggedly tracking down Eastman’s recordings and archival materials and bringing them to the light of day.
The Lost Jockey—I was unaware of any releases by this group besides their Crepuscule LP until I stumbled onto a self-titled cassette from 1983 on YouTube. Like the album, the highlight is a piece by Orlando Gaugh--an all-time great Philip Glass rip-off, “Buzz Buzz Buzz Went the Honeybee,” which has the amusing added bonus of having the singers intoning the rather bizarre title phrase as opposed to Glassian solfège. Also like the album, he rest of the cassette is so-so Pop Minimalism.
Earth: Dylan Carlson keeps on keepin’ on, and while I can’t say I’ve kept up with him every step of the way, usually when I check in I’m glad I did. However I’d like to take this opportunity to humbly disavow the snarky comments about Sunn 0))) I made in this entry in Top Ten list #3. Those were a reflection of my general aversion to hype, which was surrounding them at the time, and of seeing two shows that in retrospect were unrepresentative (I was thunderstruck by a later show I saw in Mexico City in 2009). Stephen O’Malley has proven to be as genuinely curious, dedicated and passionate about drone and other experimental music as they come, and the reissue of the mind-blowing Sacred Flute Music from New Guinea on his Ideologic Organ label is a good reminder of how rooted Minimalism is in ethnic music, and how almost interchangeable certain examples of both can be. 
And while we’re in revisionist mode, let’s go full circle all the way back to the very first sentence of the introduction to the first Minimal Top Ten: “I know what you’re thinking: ECM Records, New Age, Eno ambients, NPR, Tangerine Dream. Well forget all that shit.” Hey, that stuff’s not so bad! I was probably directing that more at the experimental-phobic indie rock folks I encountered at the time, and expressing a lingering resentment towards the genre-confusion of the 80s (i.e. having dig through a bunch of Kitaro records in the New Age bins in hopes of finding Reich, Riley, or Glass; even Loren Mazzacane got tagged New Age once in a while back then, believe it or not), which probably hindered my own discovery of Minimalism. What can I say, I’m over it!
Copyright © 2020 Alan Licht. All rights reserved. Do not repost without permission.
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yinxiong · 3 years
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do u have any anime recs?? ive only watched the popular ones like haikyuu, bnha and aot but its kinda overwhelming to look for new ones so im asking u since i know & trust that u have good taste
ooohhhhhh boyyyy im vibrating bc 1) you’re asking me for anime recs 2) yOU SAID I HAVE GOOD TASTE HDJK THANK 🥺💞
okay but being serious here ,,, i’m not sure exactly what genres you’re looking for so i’ll put a list of my favorites + other ones similar to those 3 you might enjoy :))) if you have anything specific in mind lmk !!! i recently compiled a list of everything i’ve watched / tried to watch (it’s quite embarrassing actually) so hopefully there’s something you’ll like on there 😊
fullmetal alchemist: brotherhood
genre: shounen, action, fantasy, women characters being badass
very brief summary: two boys learn alchemy and try to get their bodies back, ends up unravelling government conspiracy in the process
this is my all time favorite uhdfdjks
top tier, a masterpiece truly
i'd rate it 100/10 but it surpasses that honestly
it's just really REALLY good
might be a little bit slow in the beginning but trust me it picks up quickly
if you’re interested it’s originally a manga and has some more details the anime left out !!!
assassination classroom / ansatsu kyoushitsu
genre: shounen, school, action, kids being kids but with knives and guns
brief summary: a class of kids are assigned to kill a super monster before he blows up the earth in exactly one year - the catch is that he’s their homeroom teacher :D
basically kids learning how to be assassins but also trying to pass school and it's all very heartfelt and you WILL adopt them all
10/10 i cry every time
honestly watch this first it’s very easy to follow
also a manga with a few storylines the anime left out, not crucial but i recommend anyways since i read it first before the anime even came out and it just has a special place in my heart
noragami
genre: shounen, urban fantasy, gods being literal disasters someone pls help them
brief summary: a girl accidentally meets an unknown god and asks him for his help, slowly learns more about his world (i’m so sorry this is really vague but it’ll all be covered in the first episode trust me)
the gods can find spirits (dead people) and turn them into weapons if that’s cool
sexy animation !!!!!
only big flaw with the anime is that they mess up the main character’s characterization a little bit so you might want to read the manga? also only has two seasons and the manga is further along ,,, but everyone is currently stressed tf out over the plot ohmygod ,,,
gekkan shoujo nozaki-kun
genre: romantic comedy but heavy emphasis on comedy, slice of life, literal chaos
brief summary: a girl has a crush on a guy who turns out to be a manga artist, she winds up being his assistant (this barely covers it though)
a bunch of high school kids being chaotic and oblivious
just watch it i can’t really explain it in words you’ll be laughing a lot
only one season so if you enjoy there’s also more chaos in the manga
your lie in april / shigatsu wa kimi no uso
genre: shoujo, classical music !!!!
brief summary: a former piano prodigy who no longer plays because he can’t hear music meets a violinist that brings color into his life once again
look
this is top tier
so beautiful hhdjfdks
i watched this on my new tv and shed real tears
as a pianist/musician i adore it a lot hhhhh the pieces they chose to play are all the favs (i performed a medley with my violinist friend for a show once hahahah)
a little sad tho beware of feels
the opening song is like . so freaking well known omg
akame ga kill!
genre: shounen, action, lots of fighting and blood, war
brief summary: a boy joins a group of assassins who are working to overthrow the shithole government (yea sounds kind of basic but there’s more to it)
mainly just girls with weapons
i mean there’s guys too but the girls are the best characters
the weapons are lowkey magical too
yea this is where my nickname came from lol
the anime gets a 7/10 but the manga probably 8/10
manga is darker, more graphic but better plotwise
no game no life
genre: shounen, a bit of ecchi ugh, lots of mind games
brief summary: two genius gamer siblings get transported to a world where everything is decided by games, they decide they want to beat god
very colorful and pretty animation!!!!
there’s some questionable “fanservice” moments but ignoring that the plot is legit
only one season tho :(( pls it was so popular when it came out where is s2
there is a movie prequel, a lot more angsty but still vv good
ao haru ride
genre: shoujo, the usual high school romance, slice of life
brief summary: a girl meets the guy she used to have a crush on, only to find that his personality has completely changed (she has too though)
insert falling back in love
one of the shoujo classics haha
i binged this in one night a few weeks ago
not sure if it was worth it but i had fun lmao
just a low stakes cute anime
also very pretty
only 12 eps, the manga finishes later
given
genre: just music boys being gay lol (jk it’s kind of sad)
brief summary: a boy learns to move on from his ex by joining a band (this is possibly the shittiest summary ever but i dont wanna give anything away hdjhkjs)
just watch it lmao it’ll make sense
idiot boys
band boys !!!
feels but not overwhelming
the comedy is top notch though
i adore given so much hhjkdf waiting for the movie to come out
THE MUSIC IS SO GOOD
all the songs are on spotify i listen to them way too much
yuri on ice
genre: figure skaters being gay that’s all you need to know
brief summary: a figure skater falls into a slump, somehow winds up with the top skater as his coach (yet another shitty summary sorry)
hmm this isn’t actually one of my favorites but it’s popular enough so why not
i just really love figure skating hfjdks
it’s pretty accurate i’d say! there are even easter eggs of top men skaters irl hahah
definitely dramatized lol
but still pretty fun
bungou stray dogs
genre: shounen, urban fantasy, very dapper mafia / detectives
brief summary: a kid on the run after getting kicked out of his orphanage accidentally saves a detective, shit goes down from there
pretty fun as you learn about their powers, watch them solve mysteries
the fighting is cool too
until the machine guns appear ugh i just tune that part out
oh yea all the characters are named for actual literary figures and i didnt realize until s2 💀
fairy tail
genre: shounen, magic/fantasy, action, friends !!!!!
brief summary: just mages in guilds going on quests lolol what more do you want
fr it’s honestly quite chill
like there’s definitely an ongoing plot and lots of subplots / arcs
but it’s very character driven
so many cool character designs
was OBSESSED w this in middle school ,,, highkey embarrassing omg
one of the big anime/manga, if you like bnha i’m sure you’ll have fun with fairy tail
this was a stupidly long list and im clearly way too excited ,,, if you have any questions or just want to scream about any of these, my inbox is always open ;)))
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uricl · 3 years
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NEW POST ( 2/19/2020 )
I hung out with him one night a few years back. He is very conscious of his reputation and goes out of his way to act gentlemanly. He’s funny and makes a lot of jokes in person. I would say more but don’t want to reveal who I am as I’m still close with some members of his team.
He made a joke about his dick size and then profusely apologized (again - super self conscious about his reputation), let us wear his sunglasses in the club, sang along loudly to his own music on the radio in the car, laughed at all our jokes too. He’s a goofball for sure. It’s funny all the guys with the worst reputations have been the nicest in person and the guys with happy-go-lucky reputations are the worst (ahem, Kid Cudi…)
It is true he was doing cocaine in front of Royalty. His friends do drugs around her but Nia didn’t file a protective order that I know of. She was blackmailing him for more money. Nia smashed most of his friend and a few other famous celebs before running off somewhere.
He is just complex asf..especially since he had another baby. Right now he refuses to hang with any other girl that isn’t Nikia.
I met Uriel when I lived in Miami…he got his friend to get my number for him at LIV. We hung out for maybe three months, and most of the time we didn’t do anything sexual honestly. He would just invite me over to watch movies or something. I think he’s really lonely. He also does a shit ton of ketamine, lean, and cocaine. This was during the time when he was dating nika…I didn’t know about her but then again he is uriel cain so I assumed he was messing around with a ton of girls. He doesn’t like using condoms…I’ll tell you that.
He has a million arcade games in his house and he has racks of clothing everywhere (in the halls, in the kitchen, in the living room) you can barely walk around. But overall he was actually…sweet. Respectful. Always made sure I was taken care of. We kind of just fell off because he’s a totally different person on drugs
🔴 WE’VE GOT THE TEA FOR YOU.
his family has been trying to get Uriel some help for a long time. His issues are deeper then being immature he has SERIOUS dark issues.
i have specific details about his abuse. It wasn’t normal spankings. One instance that I this person gave me is that his stepdad took his head and slammed it into the wall. The person I knew said that he was severely abused and that his step father used to lock him in closets whenever he was upset.
He once admitted a few years back that he “lost his virginity” at 8 years old to a 14 year old girl. The fact that he willingly admitted it to the world proves that he thinks there was nothing wrong with a 14 year old sexually assaulting an 8 year old.
His stylist says he hardly eats. I think that’s bad since he does cardio and dances frequently but I’m not sure.
My friend who works for Uriel always stresses that he is by far the nicest and warm hearted people to work with. He has helped my friend with so much financially and emotionally. He’s provided opportunities to my friend when he was struggling and I know that he has helped many of his employees with financial stuff and with there kids schooling.
Ive always thought he has BPD but who knows for sure. He’s diagnosed as bipolar and has a severe case of PTSD. But maybe being bipolar mixed with the issues he has and self medicating with cocaine/crack has something to do with that. Im pretty sure he’s a pill popper (xan) too based on what this person was telling me.
Uriel never wanted to be a musician he actually wanted to play basketball professionally.
Also Uriel hit his mom as an adult not a child.
Uriel took both of those girls around his family alot. Im not sure about this since I didnt ask. Uriel’s mom loved Zhara (who did spoil his family especially the kids and his mom) and hated Avery.
Uriel can be one of the nicest and friendliest people, per everyone I’ve known that knows him (NOTE: this does not negate the facts of his abusive and poor behavior). There’s a reason he still has so many friends and supporters in the industry and in his private life; when he’s straight, he’s a pretty decent person at heart. But dealing with anybody with his kind of demons is scary and unpredictable. Some legitimate Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde shit. Untreated mental illness mixed with teenage fame, constant public criticism, some enabling in his circle, and drugs will do a hell of a number on a person.
The tea on lipstick alley may have some truth to it, Uriel entourage and even his family as a history of spilling his most inner dark secrets to TMZ, TSR, and many other gossip blogs to collect a coin. It doesn’t matter how many of his cleaners he sends in to clean up the threads/post on him it doesn’t matter. Uriel is an extremely private person for a reason, and sadly the public will never get much of a chance to see the true Uriel. His life has been nothing but a struggle since the day he was born, his problems have always been existent. Zhara WAS NEVER the cause of his problems and his family will always love her to pieces and he still loves her as a friend until this day. But I supposed Uriel was born to be just a handsome tragedy. The only reason why Uriel still as a career is because of Deleon, if it was for him Uriel’s fame would have burnt out a long time ago. Uriel blames his mom for the many issues he has now, how would you feel if your mother just stood by and watched her new husband beat on you? Yes, Uriel has a big-heart, yes he is kind and generous, but untreated mental illness mixed with teenage fame, constant criticism, along with enabling and drugs will do a toll on a person.
NEW POST ( 12/7/2018 )
Leilani Uriel’s former fling did an interview with TMZ and spoke about her relationship with the singer. She said the two were very close and could have been something more if she didn’t step away from him. She said women who have petite and have more oriental features or small features seem to be more attractive to Uriel than most girls with an average body shape. Even though Uriel as fucked woman outside of his type those are the type of woman he tends to go for more. Uriel requires all of his girls not to be a homie hopper’s, have a big mouth and run to blogs, and at least spend time with him for at least 3 weeks. But for the three weeks you spend with him he will spoil you with trips and constant shopping. Uriel loves woman that have something going for themselves but still want the help of a man, Uriel likes to take care of those he’s affiliated with, so as long you don’t break the rules all will be well.
Leilani spilled the tea when it came to Winter and Uriel’s relationship and said it wasn’t what it seemed. After Winter caught Uriel in bed with another woman and attempted to fight said girl, that’s when things turned ugly. Uriel gave winter to shop with to make up for his mistake, but winter wasn’t having it and threatened to fuck Uriel’s friend Capo to make Uriel jealous. When they got back to LA a few weeks later Winter left the harem and Uriel kept a professional relationship with her just for her to come back a few days later, and then leave the harem again two days later. Uriel and Winter never had sex after the New York incident and Winter went outside of the harem to get fucked. Countless times Winter threatened to buy Uriel out of the development contract he had signed to her to, when she had the money to buy him out she did. And that pretty much ended their relationship.
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sharpnothashtag · 4 years
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The Good Ship CrushWay, chapter 13
Scene: KJ walking from her quarters to the bridge.
KJ (voiceover): First officer’s personal log, stardate 43989.1.  It has been a month or so since I took over for Commander Riker.  I am enjoying getting to know the crew here, and I am making new friends.  Data has been trying to teach me how to play the violin, and I will have to admit...I’m pretty bad at it.  But he is patient, and a loyal friend.  We have also taken to painting “still lifes” on the holodeck with Maestro DaVinci.  I have him beat there, even if my grapes tend to look like amoeba. His literal thinking is often too much for our Maestro, so Maestro enjoys my figuratives.  Worf and DeAnna have encouraged me to join their MoQ’bara group, and I enjoy it a lot.  Spending time with a couple that is so very opposite from each other reminds me a lot of Neelix and Kes.  I miss them dearly.   While their Geordi LaForge is no B’Elanna Torres, he’s also a fun person.  He has one hell of a poker face, and I have yet to beat him.  Guinan and I meet together often, and she helps me honor my crew on Voyager by listening to my stories and letting me try my hand at some of Neelix’s dishes. DeAnna has helped me sort through so much while I’ve been here, and I feel like I am exactly where I’m supposed to be. Bev and I are still close--we spend every evening together in the holodeck walking beautiful paths.  Last night, we went to Lake Itasca in northern Minnesota to see where the Mississippi River begins.  Watching the sunset with her has become the best part of my days.
KJ: (looks around) Where is the Captain? (turbolift doors open, Picard enters.) Ah.  Good morning, Captain. Picard: Good morning, Number One.  Data, anything from the Delta shift? (message tone) Data: Something has just come in, Captain.  It is...a distress signal from Jouret IV. Picard: We are in the vicinity now, yes? Data: Affirmative, sir. KJ: Would you play the distress signal, Data? (Data pulls it up.) Distress Signal: (little girl, through intermittent static) Please, please help us, someone--anyone.  My name is Mayble.  They took my neighbors, and my mommy and daddy told me to hide in our safe house until they were gone.  They’re big and scary...they look like machines.  I am afraid they have my brother--he was out today at a friend’s house.  Please, help us!  (Noise) I’m going to go upstairs and check on my mommy and daddy; I heard a noise. KJ: Machines?  I wonder if this is the Borg. Picard: Are there any life signs coming from the planet? Data: Negative, Captain. Picard: Regardless, we should proceed with caution.  Mayble couldn’t have been over 10 years old.  She would not have known to not investigate the noise. Data: Captain, if you will allow me--if there were Borg here, and people fought back, the Borg might have fired their weapons.  If so, they might have left a specific electromagnetic pattern. Picard: Data, scan for that pattern.  If there is a way, let me know how long since they’ve been here.  Maintain a high orbit.  Number One? KJ: Yes? Picard: My ready room.
Picard’s Ready Room
Picard: Have you encountered the Borg in the Delta Quadrant? KJ: Yes--I ended up making a deal with them. Picard: (...) You made a deal with the Borg? KJ: Yes.  I found a species they were unable to assimilate and that harmed them too much for them to continue pursuit.  We were able to devise a weapon to help the Borg defeat them, and in return, they let us pass through their space.  A member of my crew was actually gained from that deal--Seven of Nine, Tertiary Adjunct of Unimatrix Zero One.  We asked for a representative, and they gave us her.   Picard: Based on your experience, you’re the best person to lead.  You should be the one to speak with them once hailing frequencies are open. KJ: Understood.   Data: Data to Captain Picard. Picard: Go ahead. Data: Based on the debris scattered in the surrounding area and the electromagnetic signatures we have found, I do believe the Borg were here. KJ: Do you know in which direction they might have gone? Data: Negative, Commander. Picard: Commander Janeway is assembling an away team to examine the colony’s ruins.  Please accompany her. Data: Understood, sir.  Data out. KJ: Captain, what exactly am I looking for? Picard: Anything that sticks out to you.  I am also curious about possible elevated levels of Lyantirum; see if those exist there as well. KJ: Lyantirum?  Why? Picard: I have an hypothesis that Lyantirum particles are how the Borg are traveling around the galaxy. KJ: I know that’s how I got here, but isn’t it an unstable form of travel? Picard: It is; I believe the Borg have found a way to stabilize it. KJ: I will investigate and report back to you. (exits Ready Room) Mr. Worf, you’re with us.   Worf: Aye. KJ: (tapping combadge on the way into the turbolift) Janeway to Crusher. Bev: Crusher here. KJ: Please meet Data, Mr. Worf, and myself in Transporter Room 3.  Bring a medi-kit; we’re going on an away mission.  There might be wounded. Bev: Understood.  Crusher out.
Transporter Room
KJ: Cheif O’Brien, keep a lock on us and an open com link. O’Brien: Aye, sir. (KJ gives him the look. Apologizing) Commander. They beam down to the planet and into the area where Mayble’s distress signal originated.  The house is in ruins, and there is barely anything left of what was once a beautiful home.
KJ: Something about this isn’t right. Data: The house is in shambles, Commander.  There are many things in this situation that are not ideal. KJ: No, it’s a gut feeling, Data.  This level of destruction isn’t like the Borg.  When they assimilate, most of what they destroy is any obstacle in their way, but ONLY what’s in their way. Bev: And this is different...how? KJ: This feels...angry.  The Borg do not have emotions--they’re mostly stripped away once the assimilation is complete.  But this?  This feels...well, look here.  Do you see how this family portrait is ripped to shreds?  And this combadge is crushed completely, like someone stomped on it?  This is the Borg, but these Borg are acting on a mission from someone who is furious. Worf: Perhaps they are angry with Starfleet.  Our culture promotes individuality. Bev: But so does mostly every culture but theirs. Worf: We should look around the perimeter of the house to make sure the threat is nullified.  (They spread out and search.)
Bev finds the basement where Mayble was hiding during the call.  There are three beds.  Two are neatly kept, and the last looks like someone built a blanket fort out of it.  Bev scans.
Bev: KATE! KJ: Coming. (once she descends) What did you find?   Bev: Lyantirum--and more of it than I’ve ever seen. KJ: Ok, good work.  Come on up again--we’re about done with the rest of the scanning. Bev: (disconnects her com line) Kate, this situation genuinely terrifies me. KJ: (hands on Bev’s shoulders) You will be fine, Bev.  I’m not going anywhere. Bev: Okay, well that’s a lie because we’re both going upstairs. KJ: Now is not really a great time for you to be so literal. Bev: I really cannot help the way I am, Kathryn. KJ: Look.  We are going to go upstairs.  We are going to beam up to the ship.  We are going to have coffee.  We are going to discuss our findings with Jean-Luc, and then we will decide what to do about it.  Take a deep breath. Bev: Ok.  But if they come and I don’t get to see you again, I just-- KJ: No, Bev.  We’re not thinking that way. Data: Commander, we’re ready to beam up. Worf: Chief O’Brien has a lock on you; just stay there. Bev: Thank you, Worf. Beam up.
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Head Storm.
If i don't take minute to write these things down they just weigh so heavy. where do i begin.
i'm frustrated.
sometimes its like a repeating nightmare. Its me and brian and we are on a 13 hour flight to Germany. this double decker plane is huge and filled with strangers and i cant see their faces. i know our destination is a long way away. im tired. and there we are in the middle row. u next to me and me on the isle. We're sharing your blue ipod with music i never really listen to and this is the moment im stuck in.
for a minute my body goes into drive. at first you think the dream would play out as i remember, but this isnt a memory its a dream and now that im more aware- more awake within the dream; im always asking myself.
why am i here? wheres juan? wheres julian? (thats right this is a dream/ im sleeping)
and i realize im meant to doo something. and i go and look at brian and its not the same. i can barely see his face and i no longer remeber the sound of his voice. its as if im stuck in my seat.
the dream is almost paused- as i struggle to put these pieces of the real memory back together. its like im waiting. im waiting for brian to speak first. im just sitting here. on this plane.
i went to russia in 2005. the trip was from philly airport to germany than germany to russia.
it was for a youth peace team mission. we met up with kids our age over there and talked about religion and life. it wasnt just us two- we had a team of our friends and it was amazing.
It was the first time i had left the country- it was the first time i had flown without my mom. first time i felt homesick. the first time i saw how big the world really is. how there is so much to see and so much going on. it was an experience.
i never knew Demisexual was a thing. (The term 'demisexual' comes from the concept being described as being "halfway between" sexual and asexual. ... The gray-A spectrum usually includes individuals who very rarely experience sexual attraction; they experience it only under specific circumstances.)
i didnt even know what sexual was- i was young naive and anything i did know about sex and beauty most likely came from the wrong place. i managed to get all the way to freshman year of highschool without really relationships that included sexual and non sexual.
freshman year was horrible. i was the new girl becuase i didnt attend the same middle school as the other kids and my prior school was MUCH smaller than the highschool i went to. but i was excited for the change. i asked for the change.
its easy to say "well idk?" when u have lack of experience. Idk why i was single so long. idk why i never wanted a bf. idk why i have never kissed anyone idk? idk? idk? (...now i know) my first thoughts were always like omg maybe noone wanted to kiss me? maybe im the weird one. less desired. not wanted. i was the problem. i imagined my body was less than perfect and i guess my attitude and demenor wasnt the dating type (lies) i just felt weird and alone.
sometimes people cant make a sexual connection unless they have an emotional connection with someone as well. it isnt prude it isnt wierd its just how it works (literally) the better and more i get to know you i can finally start feeling any real connection at all especially sexually.
this new demisexual wasnt even a thing until i was half way through my twenties...THAT and pansexual (not limited in sexual choice with regard to biological sex, gender, or gender identity.) people would ask "well whats ur type?!" idk id say?? i didnt even realize internally i found both sexs appealing. not even just sexs just ANYone. hearts not parts we say now.
i was basiclly lost ,frustrated and didnt understand a damn thing about myself.
brian and i were friends. we went to the same church- we lived in the same town. our families knew each other. it was a very safe space for me. i didnt think brian liked me. ( i didnt think ANYONE liked me; that way anyway) i had guy friends i had girl friends i just felt like we were all at the same level. most my girl friends had kissed people, most had bfs; same with the guys. i just didnt... it wasnt that i didnt like brian- i just had no idea what any of this stuff was. how to even begin "liking someone" i wasnt stupid - i was scared? i felt scared. worried that becase i hadnt had the experiences - that i wasnt good at ANY of it. i got to know brian because he was around. youth group trips and church events ; school- we were always hanging around each other.
i was never a physical person. honestly self pleasure was the only pleasure i knew and i thought id be going to hell for masturbating so theres that complex. a secret i held tight forever.
i didnt know the more i talked and was around brian i would fall inlove with him. people SAYYY that- but in my world it was a must. it was inevitable. as long as he was open with me and vulnerable- i began to want him.
he was my first kiss. and he let me kiss him. it might of seemed innocent ( i mean it was really) but it was big for me. the only person in the world i had let in. and he was ready to reak havoc on my new world. kisses lead to make outs- making out lead to sex- and that was that. id say i was his or he was mine but i guess we were each others. i wasnt ready to do this with anyone else. i didnt think i even could. it took so long for brian to become this person for me. i was..postive; id make this love last a life time. but that wasnt the case it was a rocky 3 years but at the end of it i personally learned alot.
i still didnt know all that i said above. on my rocky one relationship road... i was frustrated. i didnt know these things existed and while life seemed easy for brian- it was not for me. i struggled and argued with myself resulting in very poor communication with brian leading to only end in sight. if i wasnt making an emotional connection with my person then it had to be the opposite; i wasnt interested at all. almost the opposite- i felt nothing.
i let the hurt find its way in- i let it block any form of fix. the emotions were turned off. and the result was sexless.
i went on a rampage and found a random lover. Peter was ..peter. i didnt know him prior to meeting him- i barely knew much about him at all. all i knew was i was numb and needed to feel again. ( now if only i had known who i was i would of tried to build and talk through these emotions, break some walls down. reopen the lines. reconnect and succeed. but i didnt know that. all i knew was i was hurting and i nolonger had my person- i wanted to feel again.) i wouldnt even say i was attracted to peter. i really wasnt "looking" at all. i wasnt looking with my eyes or my heart.
i was already pretty good at hurting myself just plain jane. but this was a whole different world. what if i could just have sex and not care. just do it and live. just feel something. and i did it. i found peter and yeah we had sex. i was postive i didnt want a relationship ( i was heading down the wrong road in the wrong direction WITH no directions) it was a mess. a mess that didnt last long (thankfully)
i look back at it now and would like to have lunch with peter. although im sure im a spek of nothing in his life stream; he was a pretty big rock in mine. mainly to say sorry. sorry for using him. more sorry that i had no intentions at all. i was a shell of person and im sorry he never got the chance to meet the true me. cuz im not that person at all. and i think he was geniune and we could of learned alot from each other.
i am 30 years old now and still to this day brian and peter are the only people ive slept with except my current husband.
ive trusted 2 (brian and juan) of those souls with my heart. my whole heart. ive been with them to the extent i lost myself. my body has craved them and known them. and they will forever have a piece of me. they took with them what insecurities i had and threw them out the window. i was engulfed and loved and it didnt stop. i had alot of sex with brian as i currently have alot of sex with juan (my husband)
if i had known who i was then i would of talked to more people. resulting in more meaningful connections. resulting in more stories and experiences to tell about. girls guys gays all different kinds of souls i would of touched and danced with. but i didnt know what i know now.
time has given me the learning ive neeeded and now i know alot.
as my nightmare continues its me and brian sitting on a 13 hour plane. i want to ask him how he is, and what hes doing. what other souls hes experienced and what life is like for him now. we would laugh and joke and unerstand that life goes on and although we are not lovers any longer we wouldnt be who we are without having known each other. on this plane its noone but us. reality doesnt hit because its just a distraction and we just want to catch up.
its like a clock is ticking and were anxious. as if he too knows this is a dream, a mear astroprojection into a memory. and noone talks. we both stay silent. its almost like i cant breathe.. its almost like im drowning.
i havent spoken to brian in atleast 10 years possibly. not a single word. across the universe is a soul i once loved wholefully and now were strangers. i think a piece of me hurts still today. like a lost limb. how can i go through life and succeed at only making connections that count when my first connection is fried and dead.
how do i begin to process the things i now understand when one small piece of me is gravitating through space.
i was told not to long ago that you are infact alive. simply living- trying to stay to urself.
as this new person i am. as i am learning and growing. you were a big part of who i was- i wish u could see who ive become. my soul acknowledges your absence and i am aware of it.
i hope love and light find you on ur dark days. and that you follow that light to become whoever you are meant to be.
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istherewifiinhell · 6 years
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I was tagged by @leewadeeleewada
Rule 1: tag 9 people you want to get to know better
I’m not gonna but i am nosey as shit so if anyone wants to fucking go for it
Rule 2: highlight the true statements in bold / (brackets for comments/personal statements)
I am 5'7 or taller (what the fuck thats so tall) I wear glasses I have at least one tattoo  I have at least one piercing I have blonde hair (originally) My abs are somewhat defined (sad slide whistle) I have or have had braces (the weird plastic ones tho? still gross) I love meeting new people People tell me I’m funny Helping people with their problems is a big priority to me I enjoy physical challenges (can it be scaled? like challenging to me isn't in general hard but yes) I enjoy mental challenges (same as above) I’m playfully rude to people I know well (a bit anyway) I started to say something ironically (pointing out every time its 4:20) There is something I would change about my personality I can play an instrument (rip i wish) I can sing well I can do 30 pushups without stopping I’m a fast runner I can draw well I have a good memory (i mean only for useless things) I’m good at doing maths in my head (better than ave maybe??) I can hold my breath underwater for over a minute (i timed myself & no, deffo no) I have beaten at least two people in an arm wrestle (i dont think ive arm wrestled some one in years???) I know how to cook at least 3 meals from scratch I can throw a punch I enjoy sports I have learned a new song in the past week I’ve gone running at least one week in the summer I work out at least once a week  I have drawn something in the last month I enjoy writing I have done martial arts I have had my first kiss I have watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting (netflix does that) I have had alcohol I have scored a winning goal in sports [soccer] I have been to an overnight event (i dont get why this is phrased like this, is there some specific implication? what constitutes an event??) I have been in a taxi I have been in hospital/er in the past year I have beaten a video game in one day(id like to thank thatgamecompany and giant squid for inventing video games) I have visited another country I have been to one of my favourite band’s concerts I have at least one person I consider a best friend I live close to my school My parents are still together I have at least one sibling I live in the US There is snow right now where I live (there should be) I have hung out with friends in the past month I have a smartphone I have at least 15 CD’s I share my room with someone I have a crush on a celebrity I have a crush on someone I know I have been in at least 3 relationships I have asked someone out or admitted my feelings to them I get crushes easily I have had a crush for over a year I have been in a relationship for over a year I have had feelings for a friend I have break danced I know a person called Jamie I have made a new friend in the past year I have had a teacher with a last name hard to pronounce I have dyed my hair  I am listening to a song on repeat right now  I have punched someone in the past week I have known someone who has gone to jail I have broken a bone I have eaten a waffle today (i might tho im hungry for one now) I know what to do with my life (this is just silly) I speak at least two languages (ah i wish i barely speak the one)
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