#january 2020 me would be disgusted

[sim0nril3y]

First Meeting

Pairing: Simon 'Ghost' Riley x Civilian!Reader

Scenario: Being dragged out for the night with friends Simon find himself desperately trying to be alone when a girl with a broken shoe stumble across him.

Note: Set in 2014

Warnings: No mask Simon (It's my personal headcanon in his regular life he probably wouldn't wear it), briefs mentions of abuse, mentions of smoking, mentions of alcohol, suggestive conversation, mentions of age gap, derogatory comments. Note: I made this an OC rather than a Reader because she has her own backstory and family and dreams that may not align with the whole Reader aspect of writing. If you guys do want something like that let me know and I'll see if I can work something out.

30-08-2020 Edit: I’ve updated this fanfic to be a reader rather than OC.

Returning from deployment never really changed for Simon. It wasn’t something he ever enjoyed. There was something about the regiment of the forces that grounded him, something about the strict timelines and regulations. None of that mattered back home. It wasn’t like he could speak to his "friends" about the trauma of being away in war-torn countries. It wasn’t like they even asked; they knew better.

Occasionally on nights out Simon would get asked the rude question of his death tally. He’d simply brush off the question. Honestly, he wasn’t sure if he had a reasonable answer to it anymore. No, instead he would pretend like he didn’t hear as other friends chastised for even asking that sick question. Why was it sick? Did they not think of him as a killer? Maybe that tainted their idyllic persona of the perfect solider. Simon knew that war was disgusting and bloody and each time he took another life a little bit of his own chipped away too.

Stand outside he brought a cigarette to his lips, inhaling slowly and just enjoying the cold winter air. “Bollocks…” A voice slipped from beside him, glancing over his shoulder to see the slight frame of a woman bent down trying to repair the band of her high-heel. As always, he stayed quiet, used to just observing and not interrupting the flow. “Need some help, sweetheart~” A drunk came stumbling in her direction.

In an instant she shot to her feet, stumbling in her broken heel as you turned to face the offending man. “Oh-” “Gonna catch y’death out here, sweetheart. Specially in that little dress…” He commented and Simon gave himself a moment to take in your outfit, it was particularly short from a night-out in January, not that any of the other birds were dressed any different. “Why don’t we get a taxi back to my flat.” He offered and Simon saw the way your shoulders seemed to tense at the suggestion. “Oi…” His voice began before his brain registered that this was a poor idea. “Fuck off and leave her alone.”

“The fuck you think you are?” Came a drunken drawl back in his direction. “Think I’m gonna be your problem if you don’t leave her alone.” He rose then, towering over the two of them you, double both your weight, double both your size. “Pshh… fuckin’ have the slag…” Drunkenly he turned and stumbled back into the club. “Thanks…” Your voice was small as you tilted your had up to make eye-contact. “S’nothing…” Then turning he moved back to where he was sitting.

“Mind if I join you?” Your voice was quiet, flasing a packet of cigarettes in his direction. “Not gonna stop you.” Simon answered with a short shrug. “Fuckin’ shoe…” You grumbled under your breath before joining him delicately, sitting close enough that it looked friendly but far enough away to give him plenty of space. It a light voice your informed him your name. It was pretty. It suited you. The way your voice cut through the cold air, warm personality shining even on this night.

Simon didn’t reply, simply continued to smoke his cigarette in the quiet whilst you lit up your own beside him. “Y’even old enough to be in there?” Suddenly you looked at him before snickering. “Turned 21 months ago.” You announced proudly. “Even got my ID to prove it.” Fuck, you was young. 9 years younger than him, in fact. Whilst he was being beaten and abused by his sick father you was just coming into this world. Fuck, don’t think about any of that. “So, do I get to know your name? Gonna have to tell the story of how a dashing smoker saved me from a weirdo.”

Dashing? Were you flirting with him? You… were way out of his league. Jesus, why was you even paying him any mind when you could go home with practically any lad in there. Why did that sentiment bother him so much? “Simon.” He ground out finally, putting a firm stop to his inner monologue. “Nice name.” “No, it’s not. Just a name.” He couldn’t help the smirk that tugged at his lips. “Don’t be stupid.” He watched the way your pretty face contorted into a smile and then fell into a fit of giggles. It was fucking bliss. The way that you laughed. It was almost fucking musical, or at least it was to Simon’s ears. “Nice fuckin’ name…” He repeated shaking his head. “Kid, you’ve got to work on technique a bit.” Then shaking his head as he took another long drag of his cigarette.

“Well, maybe you could help with that…” Your voice was suggestive and inquisitive, putting the question out there loosely enough that he could see it as a joke or an invitation. “M’sure there are plenty boys your age that could help with that.” There was finality to his tone that even you could sense. Jesus, you were 21 by your own confession. You was so fresh and new to the dating scene. He, on the other hand, was just beginning his 30s, though his years of service made him feel a lot older. There was no way he could just fuck around with a girl like you. It wouldn’t fair.

Sensing his apprehension you simply shrugged your shoulders, as carefree as ever and then muttered. “Maybe~” Nabbing a nearby empty cigarette packet and jotting down your details onto the card before sliding it in his direction. “Guess if you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

A flurry of girls stumbled from the club, surrounding her in a moment in a loud chatter of excitement. “We’ve been looking for you everywhere!” “C’mon, next club~” “Who is that?” “What happened to your shoe?” The questions buzzed around his mind and you kept his gaze until whisked away by her friends. “Fuckin’ hell…” Cursing under his breath as he inspected the packet between his fingers, taking the final drag of his cigarette and then flicking it aside.

Masterlist | Ask | 28-08-2023

#simon ghost x reader #ghost x oc #simon riley x oc #simon riley x reader #simon ghost riley #ghost cod #ghost x reader #cod mw2 #cod x reader #cod x oc #simon riley #simon riley x you #ghost mw2

[be-with-me-so-happily]

Chapter 7

Series Summary: Gemma is definitely Cassidy James' favourite Styles family member, considering they are best friends and all. And especially considering that Harry Styles is Gemma's smug and self-centered younger brother. Her life isn't perfect, and neither is she, but she hates how everyone thinks Harry is. Because she knows that's not the case.

Chapter Summary: Cassidy thought her friendship with Harry and her relationship with Derek could exist peacefully. But you can't always have what you want, and sometimes you can keep what you already have.

Chapter Warnings: Some explicit language, mention of sex, alcohol consumption, jealousy, argument, physical altercation, panic/anxiety attack

[ present - August 2020 ]

As the sunlight from outside peeks through the curtains, Cassidy stretches her body, her eyes still shut as she holds onto that peaceful feeling.

A stirring beside her opens her eyes, and she rolls over to see Derek slowly waking.

It wasn't planned that he would stay the night, but the relief from her completed work, a couple glasses of wine, and the feeling of his lips persistently grazing her neck sent them straight to the bedroom as soon as her laptop was shut.

"Mm. Good morning." Derek mumbles, turning onto his side and slowly blinking to clear his vision, smiling as they meet each other's gaze. "I definitely enjoy waking up like this."

Cassidy brings her shoulders up in shyness, a blush forming on her cheeks. He is the first man, in a very long time, that she has woken up next to in the bed. The man before him was, maybe unfortunately, her last sexual partner. The man before him is actually, in a way, the reason it's been so long. Because, the man before him is Cecelia's father.

[ flashback - January 2016 ]

"You had sex with Nathan?" Gemma squeals, bouncing in excitement.

Cassidy smiles at not only the question, or the memory of that night, but also at how silly yet normal it feels to be sitting on Gemma's bed and talking about boys, since now they are in their early twenties.

"You're acting like I'm some shy, little virgin, Gem! I've had sex before."

Her best friend swats her arm and Cassidy grabs it in dramatic fashion.

"I know you're not, CJ. I was at the party when that all changed." She winces in disgust, and Cassidy knows it is due to the reminder of that night. She was naive, and inexperienced, and it was just bad. "I know about everyone you've had sex with."

Cassidy clears her throat, desperately hoping that Gemma doesn't read anything into it, because there is actually one person that her best friend does not know about. That she can never know about. Gemma will never know that Cassidy had sex with Harry. Twice.

"Okay, now you're making me out to be a whore."

"Oh for fucks sake, CJ." Gemma rolls her eyes, pulling her knees to rest under her chin. "So… what was he like?"

"Gem!" Cassidy exclaims, tossing a nearby pillow in her friend's direction.

"What? I had to ask…"

"You really didn't…"

Gemma pouts, giving her best begging eyes, even though they both know that Cassidy will spill the beans anyway.

"It was good." She states, dropping her head down onto her own knees as she feels a pink hue rushing to her cheeks. "Really good."

"That's all I get?"

"I'm not going into detail about it, Gem, bloody hell!"

"Fine." Gemma's shoulders drop in disappointment, causing Cassidy to let out a loud laugh.

"It was hot and sweaty." She replies, suddenly wanting to give her friend just a little something to satisfy the curiosity. "And, he was good at it."

A buzz almost vibrates through the entire mattress, and both girls check their phones to see who was sent some form of communication. Cassidy holds hers up so the screen is on full view for her friend.

"Speaking of…"

🗨️Nathan: i had a really good time with you

Cassidy instantly feels the pink hue turn to a bright, hot red. She bites her bottom lip, and her gaze flickers up to her best friend, not speaking any words to clue her in on what was just said through the text.

🗨️Cassidy: i did too

🗨️Nathan: i'll let you know next time i'm in town

🗨️Nathan: if you wanna hang out again

"Well… what does it say? Are you gonna see him again?" Gemma asks, scooting across the bedding as if it gets her closer to the information she's about to receive.

"Ummm…" Cassidy begins to reply. She feels an almost giddiness begin to flutter in her stomach, but tries to reel it in. When they met, at that One Direction party, she figured he was nice, even though their interaction was cut short by a certain long-haired twat. And when Michal later mentioned Nathan had been asking about her, she must admit she was a little flattered, despite the awkward tension in the room between her and Harry. It's sort of ironic that she was so insistent that she and Nathan were not going on a date on New Year's Eve, yet here she is, talking to her best friend about how she just spent the night with him. She can almost hear Harry's disgustingly arrogant 'I was right' comment if he were also involved in this conversation. She hates that he was, coincidentally, correct. But her recent date with Nathan went really well, and even though it would cause Harry's already giant ego to grow, she's actually glad she got together with the guy.

"Yeah." She utters, looking down at the open messages on her phone, slight discouragement settling in.

"That doesn't sound convincing…"

"It's just that…" Cassidy looks up, her teeth toying with her bottom lip as she adjusts her posture. "He isn't always in town. I guess he's been traveling a bit for his job."

"What does he do?" Gemma asks. "I don't remember."

"Honestly? I don't either." She admits, pulling her lips inward with a little guilt. "Something with production, or marketing, I think."

"Hm." Her best friend hums, an expression of thought now embedded between her brows. "Well, it seems as if he likes you… he wants to see you again when he can… maybe just see where it goes?"

"See where it goes." Cassidy utters back, as if to let the words take root in her brain. She looks down to her phone again, her thumbs positioned over the keyboard as she begins to type.

🗨️Cassidy: yeah, let me know when you're back

[ present - August 2020 ]

Cassidy gives Derek one last kiss before rolling out of his arms and scooting close to the edge of the bed to retrieve her phone.

"I think we slept in…"

"That's good… right?" Derek chuckles, a humorously confused look across his still sleepy face.

"Yeah, it is, I guess. I just never get to do it. But it's good." She smiles back, unlocking her phone to check the time. As she opens it, her expression drops and she quickly sits up in the bed. "Nope… not good. Not good!"

"What? Why?" Derek asks, sitting up to match her posture and placing his hand on her back.

"Shit. Umm… okay, okay…" She stutters, looking around the room for something, though she isn't sure what she needs, since her mind has become a jumble. "The time! Harry is gonna be here in 15 minutes with Cece!"

"Okay… I don't understand why that's bad."

Cassidy sighs. Not truly out of annoyance, but more so to regulate her breathing, also hoping she can take that second to gather her thoughts.

"She's going to see you here." That's all she can manage as her mind focuses on searching for her clothes.

"I'm… confused… I'm still not seeing the problem."

She can't blame him, really. He's never dated a single mum, so he's not accustomed to the dynamic of this sort of relationship. She really shouldn't blame herself for anything either, but she can't help picturing the face Cecelia will make seeing Derek there when she is brought back home. It doesn't sit right with Cassidy, not this early on.

"She's still getting used to us being together, Derek. I don't want to make it even more awkward for her."

"Cecelia is only 3 years ol-"

"Derek, please. Y-you... I need you to leave."

"Okay." He slides out of the bed, stopping his steps as he gets close enough to hold onto her shoulders. "I don't want you to stress out. I'll go."

Cassidy nods in response, closing her eyes as he kisses her forehead and releases his hold for them to both find their clothing.

She feels her breaths pick up their pace, hoping she can keep herself calm enough so that Derek doesn't pick up on her current fret.

As he finally finishes dressing, he comes up behind her, shuffling along with his hands on her waist as she exits the bedroom, walking to the hook by the front door where he placed his keys.

She spins around to find a wide, amused grin stretched across his face, causing a small amount of annoyance to bubble up.

"What's so entertaining about this?"

He pulls her closer, once again placing his lips on her forehead, then down onto her nose, and one on her own lips.

"This is the first time I've been kicked out." He utters. "But if it ended up happening, I would never have thought it would be because someone was coming back home. Well, not a kid, at least."

"It's just…" She begins to reply, not even sure of what she wants to convey, her mind is in too much of a frantic state.

"I was just trying to lighten the mood, I'm sorry."

He pulls back, lifting her chin to focus her gaze on his. "It'll be okay. I'll call you later, yes?"

"Yes." She quietly responds, receiving one last kiss, and watches as he exits through the front door.

She releases a few shallow breaths as she attempts to gather herself. Derek is gone, which wasn't the problem, but she does believe that having him there when Cecelia got home would just create an even more awkward dynamic between the two of them. She may be young, but she is observant and bright. Cassidy is sure she would pick up on the fact that something was different. Or, at the very least, feel upset because someone else is at their flat in the morning, despite her own absence. Even if Cassidy is completely wrong, she'd much rather be safe than sorry. Her daughter always comes first.

A knock on the door pulls her out of her daze, creating a frustration since it seems Derek is being a bit careless and disregarding her wishes.

She swings the door open, finding Harry standing on the other side, with Cecelia's little hand wrapped in one of his, and her belongings held in his other.

"Mummy!" She exclaims, releasing herself from Harry and wrapping her arms around her mum's leg.

"H-hey, Bug." Cassidy manages to reply, her gaze flickering down the corridor with worry beginning to build. Did they see him? Did they both see Derek? If they did, what might he have said to them?

She moves out of the way, ushering them both inside, and closes the door behind them.

Cecelia runs straight to her bedroom, and Harry turns around with a curious expression on his face.

"I see work went well…" He states, an unclear tone to his words. Cassidy feels her chest tighten at the realization that they did, in fact, run into the man who stayed the night. Not only did her daughter encounter him, but Harry too, and she can't determine why that bothers her almost as much, but assumes it is because of the tension they always seem to have. "Cass, are you alright?"

"Did… did he say anything?"

"Who? Derek?"

"Yeah."

Harry shakes his head, putting down the bag of Cecelia's things and placing one hand on Cassidy's arm.

"I spotted him in the parking lot. Cece didn't even notice." His response helps her to release a bit more of a shaky breath, and Harry gently squeezes her arm. "Hey. Inhale and exhale for me, yeah?"

Her eyes meet his, seeing the familiar concern that he has shown each time he's helped her through a panicked state. He begins to demonstrate what he's asked her to do, and she follows along, breathing in and out at the same pace, seeing his own worry diminish each time they do so together.

"There you go." He encourages, his focus fixed on her. "Better?"

"Yes." She replies, her lungs opening with her new regulated breathing. "Thank you."

"What's going on?" He asks, that concern seemingly turning from her panic and now to what may have caused it.

"I don't really know." She replies. Despite simply not wanting Derek's presence to create an uncomfortable environment for Cecelia, she isn't sure why that possible scenario caused such an intense reaction.

"Was it Derek?" He questions, his tone turning a lot more stern than it was just moments ago. "Did something happen with him?"

"No, no, no." She quickly responds, wanting to squash the negative assumption immediately. "No. I just… I didn't want Cece to see him here."

"Why's that?" He asks suddenly.

"I'm not sure." Her brow furrows, searching her mind for a satisfying answer. Not necessarily for Harry, but for herself. "I just thought it might be awkward for her. I'm sure I was just being ridiculous."

"That's not ridiculous, Cass." He gives her a small, yet reassuring smile. "She's your daughter. You want to do what feels right for her."

A warmth falls over her. A sudden relief through validation. She's a mother. She's allowed to be protective. Especially when allowing another person into their lives. And besides, this is all new territory for her.

Derek hasn't been in a situation like this either, so she can't expect him to understand. Oddly, Harry seems to get it, but many of his other friends have children too. He's probably been privy to a multitude of different parenting difficulties.

"I didn't… plan any of it, by the way."

"What do you mean?" He asks, confusion appearing on his features.

"I didn't know he was coming over last night. He showed up while I was working. He hung around while I was writing, and then we ended up-"

"I don't need the details." Harry interrupts, smiling yet wincing simultaneously, causing Cassidy to laugh.

"I just don't want you to think that I had you watch Cece so I could… have a date or something, and not tell you." She explains softly, and shyly.

"Cass… I know you're not that type of person." Harry chuckles. "And I suppose it doesn't matter anyway. I offered to help, there were no conditions."

She sighs out of relief. Mainly due to the reassurance of his willingness to help out. But also, mildly, she feels that relief because he doesn't seem to be uncomfortable with whatever potential reason she needed that help. Maybe that's a good sign, that they can all get along, and be around each other.

"Plus, I'll take any opportunity to spend time with the James girls…" He begins to add, and by the look being created in his face, Cassidy can tell he has something cheeky to say next. "Well, one of them. The other is a bit of a nuisance…"

"Oh you're one to talk, you wank-"

"But speaking of hanging out, are you free this weekend? My friends Sarah and Mitch want to meet you." He states, a shy blush forming on his cheeks, and an almost timidness to his tone.

"From your band? Why?" She asks, hoping the question didn't come across as snarky. Though, considering their usual banter, she wouldn't really care either way.

"Yeah." He chuckles, running a ring-free hand through his unclipped hair. "They want to meet the girl who tormented me as a kid."

"Oh you've got to be kidding me!" She exclaims, watching as a wide grin stretched across his face, and a dimple caves into his cheeks.

Harry throws up his hands, dramatically, in defense of his sarcastic statement.

"That's how I remember it…" He replies, the grin somehow getting wider. "It would be a small group of us, eating out or something. You can tell lies… I mean stories… from our childhood."

"Wow. You are really selling me on the idea of hanging out with you and your friends." She rolls her eyes, noticing Harry pulls his lips as he jokingly does the same.

"You'll have friends there too. Me…" He points to himself proudly, and arrogantly, as if that's all the reason she needs. To be fair, it is. She would hang out with him any time. But considering how Derek feels, it's probably best to include more people. At least for now.

"Wow. Convincing." She scoffs, lightheartedly.

"And Gem." He jokingly scowls back. "And Roxie, if you want to invite her."

"Well, in that case…" She teases, pretending to ponder all the information she's just been given. One thing she does actually wonder is if she should mention the man she's been dating. If she should include him, too. It's Harry's invitation. He doesn't seem to be the biggest fan of Derek, who seems to reciprocate the feeling, so it's probably best not to. Besides, she has seen a lot more of Derek lately than the others, and she can have a night out with just her friends if she wants. "Count me in!"

•••

Despite the new limited capacity inside, the pub seems to be filled with noise and laughter, and as she walks up to the secluded booth filled with her friends, Cassidy can't help but feel as if this is something she's been needing. Though, it's probably something that most people have been needing, ever since the world practically shut down.

There's probably not enough gratitude she can express for this venue allowing small groups of people, masked until they are seated, to get together and slowly get back a bit more freedom. And just as much, she is thankful for Harry's invitation to a night out.

"There she is!" Gemma exclaims, causing each person's head to swivel in her direction. "Is Roxie coming?"

"No, she couldn't make it."

"Well, nice of you to join us." Harry adds, instantly receiving a friendly glare from her.

"Hey! I had to try to explain to Cece why she couldn't come and hang out with us." She shakes her head, almost exhausted from the fifteen minute conversation she had with her 3 year old before she left.

"She just wants to be with her bestie…"

"Yeah and I still can't figure out why." She chuckles, sliding into the spot at the end of the seat, next to Gemma.

"You must be Cassidy then." She hears from the middle of the group, turning and meeting the gaze of the brunette smiling back at her.

"I am! You must be Sarah." She smiles, reaching across the table as best she can to shake hands. Her gaze moves over a few inches to see a quiet, brunette man, with the smallest of smiles on his face, barely detectable as he makes eye contact. "And you must be Mitch."

"Yep." He responds, reaching his own hand out for a quick shake.

"Nice to meet you both." She states, settling back down in her seat. As her gaze flickers over to Harry, she sees his lips pulled slightly to his left in a subtle smirk, as if proud that they've all finally met. Though, the funny thought crosses her mind that he might not be so happy about the situation if and when she corrects any ridiculously inaccurate stories he's already told them. "I hear I have some childhood memories I need to straighten out."

"That was a joke, Cass."

"They still deserve to know the truth." She smirks, seeing his grow a little wider with amusement. "But first, I need a drink."

•••

As Harry buries his face in his palms, the rest of the group erupts with laughter, unfortunately for him it's at his expense.

"My mum never intended for him to wear that dalmatian costume for two more years…" Gemma states, expanding on the story they've been engrossed in.

"It didn't even fit him anymore. The hem of the bottoms came halfway up his shins!" Cassidy adds, trying hard to catch her own breath.

"Alright. Alright." Harry lifts his head, giving it a shake as he gives his sister a glare.

"Sorry little brother." Gemma states.

"It's a fun memory!" Cassidy adds, regaining control of her breaths. As it settles, she focuses on him, seeing a sheepish smile on his face.

"Yes, yes. They've all been so fun." He proclaims sarcastically.

"Well, fun for us…" She responds, pointing between herself and her best friend. Harry purses his lips with a squint of his eyes, causing Cassidy to lift her almost empty glass for a sip, to fake some innocence. Though, she knows he's unbothered by it. He was the one to create this situation after all.

She feels a buzz under her hand, and she flips her palm over to unlock her phone, opening the new message she has just received.

🗨️Derek: hey beautiful, having fun?

🗨️Cassidy: yeah, loads!

"What about secrets? I'm sure you've got some good ones to share about this guy that most people don't know!" Sarah asks.

She closes out of the texts, turning off her screen to think over Sarah's question. For a second, Cassidy believes she doesn't have any, only funny stories to embarrass the guy. However, only a moment later, she is reminded of the one secret they share. The one no one else knows. The one where their bodies were entangled in a sweaty mess in his hotel room. Twice. The one that cannot and will not be shared with anyone else. Especially not at this table, with this crowd. Especially not with Gemma, her best friend and his sister, sitting right beside her.

Her eyes shoot up to his, noticing his lips pulled inward in anticipation. Or maybe worry. Clearly, though, he was reminded of the same thing as he stares at her with wide eyes.

"Umm…" She stalls, watching him squirm in place as she feels her heart begin to race. What can she even say? Her delayed response is only going to make things more uncomfortable, and maybe even begin to look suspicious. She has got to think of something to say, and thankfully, to her extreme relief, she thinks of one other thing to share. "I do know… one thing…"

"Ca-... Cass…" He utters nervously, and quietly, potentially hoping to be unheard by the others, and plead with her not to share their intimate secret. He shouldn't be worried, she wants to keep that locked away as much as he does. Maybe even more.

"When he was younger, Harry had a crush…" She begins in a teasing manner, noticing his eyes squeeze shut. "On his teacher, Mrs. Hamilton."

His eyes shoot open with surprise, and possibly even gratitude, despite her statement being of utter humiliation for him.

"How did you-"

"I overhead you singing some cutesy little made-up song about her one day."

"You did not!" Gemma squeals, a question rather than a defense for him.

"Most boys have a crush on a teach-"

"She was 50 years old, H!" His sister interrupts, causing his hands to return back into his palms as he growls in embarrassment.

"She had a nice smile." He whimpers, and Cassidy can just make out the red blush on his cheeks.

Despite it being a mild admission, she does feel bad for revealing the information, so she takes a deep breath and reaches towards him, placing the tips of her fingers on his for encouragement.

"I… had a crush on Mr. Peters…"

"Oh god!" Gemma exclaims, her palm hitting her forehead as fast as the words leave her lips. "That's just as appalling."

"He had a nice smile, too." She adds, watching Harry lift his head and chuckle, sending an almost appreciative glance with his glistening green eyes. She feels a tickle on her cheeks as a pink hue undoubtedly begins to surface, so she pulls her hands back and straightens herself. "And now I need another drink!"

"I'll get it." Sarah states, bumping Mitch on the arm, causing him to do the same to Harry. "My shout, I'll pay, as a thanks for giving up all those details about H!"

As Harry stands, he rolls his eyes and steps aside, letting his friend out of the booth. Sarah winks as she walks away, and Cassidy feels a nudge on her own arm.

"I need to use the toilet." Gemma utters, causing Cassidy to slide off from the seat and allow her friend to slide by.

Another vibration from her phone grabs Cassidy's attention as she reclaims her seat, and she opens it up to see a couple more messages have just come in.

🗨️Derek: how long will you be there?

🗨️Derek: was hoping to come by after

Cassidy rereads his question, unsure as to why it seems to suddenly, but only slightly, bother her. He knew she was going out with her friends tonight, and that the two of them didn't have any plans together. But nonetheless, she supposes it should be considered sweet that he still wants to see her.

🗨️Cassidy: not sure, maybe an hour or 2

🗨️Derek: oh, really? okay

She places her phone back down onto the table and sighs, thinking that maybe she should have actually included Derek in this get-together.

"You good?" She hears next to her, coming from that familiar and deep voice of her friend, apparently now sitting next to her. She looks up to find his curious, maybe even concerned, expression waiting for her answer.

"Yeah, I'm good." She nods, but it doesn't seem to ease the tension in his features.

"Is it Cece?" He asks, scooting just a little closer as his eyes float down to the device in front of them.

"No, no, she's fine. Our neighbor is over at our flat to watch her. And she's in bed anyway." She replies, inhaling a deep breath and feeling an odd, random sense of comfort as his cologne hits her senses. "It's actually Derek texting me."

Harry's body tenses, very apparent to her, but maybe not so much to his other friend Mitch who is now listening to something on his own phone. She wishes she knew exactly why Harry reacts that way every time she mentions the man she's seeing. If she knows what it is that bothers him, maybe she can fix it.

"Right. And, umm…" He unclamps the clip that has been holding his hair back, and runs his fingers through as he tussles it around. "Did he not want to come out tonight?"

"I didn't invite him." She unintentionally blurts out, no longer able to cultivate a better reply.

"Oh." He utters, and Cassidy catches a small upward tug of his lips, which he immediately attempts to retract. "Why's that?"

"I just wanted a night out with my friends." She shrugs, doing her best not to react to his true, yet subtle, expression of happiness at Derek's absence. "He can come to the next one."

"Sure." He nods, stretching his long, tattooed arm across to grab his glass, instantly bringing it to his lips for a taste of the contents. Cassidy rolls her eyes, though only internally, at the underlying tone to his statement, no matter how hard he's trying to cover it up.

Another notification buzzes through, and she hears an exhaled scoff from the man beside her, slightly muffled by the edge of the glass still pressed between his lips.

🗨️Derek: text me later then

🗨️Cassidy: i will

She relocks the screen once again, setting the phone into her bag to focus on the friends in front of her. She meets Harry's gaze to find him smiling, potentially the biggest smile of the whole night.

"What?"

"I'm just glad we all get to hang out." He shrugs, a timid innocence drawn with his words.

"Really? Even though I'm counteracting this alternative reality you seem to have created for your other friends?" She chuckles, nudging his side gently with her elbow.

"Yes. Despite that." Harry responds, running his thumb along his bottom lip. "It's fun to reminisce…"

"Yeah. You're right." She agrees. "Turns out not all of my childhood memories were so bad."

[ flashback - September 1999 ]

Sitting atop her fluffy pink quilt, her little fingers picking at the nails of each hand, Cassidy waits for someone to enter her bedroom. She doesn't know who it will be. She doesn't know who she wants it to be. But what she does know, even at the age of 6, is that whatever she just walked into was something she wasn't meant to see.

"CJ?" She hears spoken softly, accompanied by a gentle knocking on her door. Her shoulders drop, feeling a little calmer as to who is on the other side.

Her mother slowly opens the door, keeping that quiet, calm demeanor as she steps inside and closes it behind her, allowing it to be just the two of them in the conversation.

"I'm sorry if me and your dad scared you." Her mother states solemnly, taking a seat on the bed and stroking her daughter's hair in comfort. "We were… having a little disagreement…"

"You were yellin', and yellin' is bad." Cassidy responds quickly, and so matter-of-fact, showing off how well she really does know the rules of the house.

"I know, darling, I'm sorry."

"I didn't like it."

"I know, I'm sorry…" Her mother sighs, kissing the top of her daughter's head. "We shouldn't have been so loud."

Cassidy leans into her mother's chest, feeling warmth and comfort appear as she is wrapped up in the hug.

"Mummy?"

"Yes?"

Cassidy pulls her head back, innocently looking into her mother's eyes.

"Daddy shouldn't have hit you. Hittin' is bad, too." She furrows her brow, remembering her father's hand smack across her mother's face as Cassidy entered the kitchen earlier in the evening. "I didn't like that either."

"I know. I'm sorry, CJ." Her mother pulls Cassidy's body back to her, the hold a little tighter this time. "He was… upset. I made a mistake and… well, anyway, I'm alright. Okay? I'm alright."

"Okay." She nods, feeling a hot breath on her hair, causing another question to want to wiggle its way out. "Umm… Mummy…"

"Yes, darling?"

"Will… will he-... what if I make-"

"CJ." Her mother states, pushing back to stare into her daughter's eyes, showing such a sincerity that even the young girl can understand it. "You don't have to worry. No one will hurt you."

[ present day - August 2020 ]

As Cassidy enters through the doors to the lift of her building, she realizes she hadn't sent a text to the babysitter, letting her know that she was on her way.

"Damn it." She mumbles, reaching inside of her bag to retrieve her device, hoping she didn't miss any important messages.

As she unlocks the screen of her phone, she is met with multiple notifications, and feels guilt poke at her heart for not checking it sooner.

Her finger presses to open the app and her breath halts momentarily as she realizes that every message is from one particular person.

🗨️Derek: have you left the pub?

🗨️Derek: are you back yet?

🗨️Derek: can you please text me

🗨️Derek: when will you be home?

🗨️Derek: Cassidy where are you?

Eyes growing wide and the noise of the lift reaching her floor pulls her attention away as the doors begin to open.

She steps out, her gaze adjusting down the corridor towards her flat, and notices someone sitting by her door.

"What the…" She utters quietly, catching up with her thoughts as she catches the attention of the visitor. "Derek? What th-... what… are you doing here?"

The man scrambles to his feet and instantly stands tall, the expression on his face being one of concern. No, it's not one of concern, it's one that is concerning. To her.

"I told you that I wanted to come by."

"Right, but… Derek, I-... I was out with my friends…"

"I know. You said you'd be back in an hour or two, so I made my way over." He shrugs, as if this shouldn't be a surprise to her at all. As if this was always the plan for the night. "You took a bit longer than you said though."

"You've… you've just been… waiting out here?" She watches as Derek nods, swift and simple, yet not doing anything to subside the shock and confusion that's chaotically taken over her brain. "Umm… l-let's just… go inside."

She reaches into her bag and the quiet jingle of keys captures her focus enough to unlock the door and slowly push it open.

"We need to be quiet. Cece is asleep." She whispers over her shoulder, hearing a hum of acknowledgement behind her.

They both step through the doorway, and Cassidy's neighbor stands up from the sofa.

"How was she, Mrs. Clarkson?"

"She was great." The lady smiles. "Went down for bed pretty easily too.'

"Well, thank you so much for watching her tonight. I really appreciate it." Cassidy states, more than grateful to have finally gotten to know her neighbor a few weeks ago, and the woman's offer to take care of Cecelia whenever she was needed.

"It's no problem. Cece is so fun and so sweet. It was my pleasure." Mrs. Clarkson states and suddenly glances behind Cassidy, seemingly noticing the man standing a foot or two away. "Well… I suppose I better be off then."

Mrs. Clarkson nods at the both of them, grabbing a small bag and shuffling towards the door.

"Are you sure I can't give you some mon-" Cassidy tries to ask, despite their earlier conversation, before her night out even began.

"You are just as sweet as your daughter. But I'm sure." Her neighbor swivels around, one hand up in front, the other on the doorknob, and a smile on her face. "I'm here to help, if and when you need me. Enjoy your night."

"Thank you." Cassidy replies, watching the woman walk out, closing the door, and seeming to take the positive vibes with her. Her previous confusion and frustration reappear instantly as she turns her attention back to Derek. "What is going on? Why did you come over?"

"A guy can't just want to see his girl?" He asks, a sarcastic tone to his voice, and his arms across his chest.

"That's not what I'm saying. But tonight was about me spending time with my friends."

"And am I not good enough to hang out with them, too?"

"What? It's not that… you…" Cassidy exhales forcefully, confusion clouding her mind enough to prohibit any complete thought or sentence to be formed. She still has no grasp of an idea as to why he's there or what's going on. "I just… wanted to spend time with my friends."

"Right. Without me." Derek replies, his entire body becoming noticeably more tense as she sees his palms curl into fists.

Cassidy pulls her lips inward, not wanting to say something she may regret, though she isn't even sure what she would say anyway. This entire conversation, and situation in general, is throwing her for a loop.

Thankfully, a buzz from her phone gives her some relief, pulling it out and using the new message as a chance to momentarily reset herself.

🗨️Harry: did you get home safe?

Her thumbs touch the screen to respond, yet the word 'yes' becomes a jumbled array of extra letters as she feels her phone being snatched out from her grasp.

Her mouth drops open, unable to comprehend what has happened, and she shoots her gaze up to see Derek's scowl as he looks down at the device.

"Harry was there?" He growls.

"Derek, what the h-"

"I fucking get it now." He drops the phone back down into her still open hands and scoffs. "Now I see why I wasn't allowed to go."

"What?"

Derek steps closer, and a familiar feeling flows over Cassidy's body, though she doesn't have the speed and steadiness to determine what it is. But she knows it isn't a good one.

"You didn't want me there, because Harry was there."

"Why would that-"

"Because you love him! Don't you? You fucking love him and you lied to me!"

"Derek, Harry and I are just friends." Cassidy replies, quieting her volume in hopes that he will do the same, for the sake of Cecelia's sleep.

A few more steps and he is right in front of her, their toes almost touching. It's normally something that someone would want their significant other to do, but this is not one of the times, and an uneasiness courses through her veins.

"Are you fucking him?" He asks, his voice no more than a whisper, though the intensity in his tone has doubled.

"We've talked ab-"

"Answer the question, Cassidy." He growls, a darkness growing in his glare. "Are you fucking him?"

"No! I'm not!" She replies, her mind swirling in a daze, only providing the most inappropriate memory to manifest at this most inconvenient time. "It's been years since we-"

"Years? Years since… what? Since you two hooked up?" He groans, throwing his head back and running his hands over his face, scoffing at her unintended confession. "I knew it. I fucking knew it."

"It… it was a long… long time ago." She utters, surprising herself that any words came out considering the lump now lodged in her throat.

"Sure. And I'm supposed to believe that you two are 'just friends' now?" His body resets, and a hand suddenly flies forward to grip her arm, causing her body to stiffen, and as his other grabs her phone and throws it to the floor. "I call bullshit."

"Derek… please…" She whispers, her past beginning to surface in her thoughts and feelings.

"Please? Please what?" He mimics, bringing his free hand up to grab her jaw, and his face hovering right in front of hers. "Please forgive you? Please believe you?"

"P-please… let go…"

A little thud and shuffling of tiny feet grab the attention of both adults, sending worry down Cassidy's spine. She hoped it may have caused Derek to release his hold, but he tightens his grip and she whispers as a fear sets in.

"Mummy?" The sleepy little voice sounds out from the bedroom.

"I'll… I'll be r-right there, Bug." Cassidy manages to get out, tears forming at the corners of her eyes.

"Mummy?" Cecelia utters again, clearly having not heard her mum's response, or not understanding it in her drowsy state.

"Stay in your room!" She shouts, shakiness and panic unavoidable at this point, as she hopes it goes unnoticed. Not just by her daughter. "Please, stay in there!"

She hears Cecelia shuffle back to bed, and her cheeks become wet, undoubtedly leaving long black marks as the tears drop.

"You… you need to leave." She mumbles, unsure if her words even left her lips, but desperately hoping they did.

"You think I'd want to stay?" Derek scoffs. He pushes against the arm he holds tightly, releasing it as she begins to stumble and falls to the floor, landing right where her phone did moments before. "No. It's over. I'm done with you."

She watches through blurred vision as he turns and exits the flat, shuddering as the door slams shut, and desperately hoping it doesn't draw her daughter out of her bed again.

With her legs out to her side, and her palms pressed against the floor to prop herself up, she feels anything but steady. How did she end up there? Obviously, she knows Derek pushed her down, but how did things get so bad, so quickly?

A single knock and the sound of the front door opening has her reaching for her phone and beginning to scramble to her feet.

"Cassidy, it's alright." She hears the soft voice of her next door neighbor try to reassure her, and she collapses back to the ground as Mrs. Clarkson's arms wrap around her shoulders, bringing her into a gentle embrace. "I heard the yelling, and the door slam shut."

"I'm… I'm sorr-"

"Sh. Sh. No need to be sorry. I wanted to make sure you're okay." A soft palm runs over Cassidy's hair and the peaceful gesture alerts her to her racing heart and labored breath.

"Cece… she woke… can you…"

"I'll go check on her." Mrs. Clarkson states, pushing herself up. "Is there someone you can call to come over?"

Cassidy nods, not having a specific person in mind, but giving the acknowledgement nonetheless. Her neighbor walks away, and as she hears the door quietly creak open, she turns her daze covered eyes to her device.

She sees her open messages, pressing the call button and holding the phone up to her ear.

"Uh oh. Is this a drunk dial? Or are you ringing to make more fun of me? Because I don't know if I can take much more tonight." Harry chuckles, and in any other situation, Cassidy knows she would be too.

"H-Harry…"

"Yes…?"

"I… I need…" She stutters, trying her hardest to voice any request, any thought, any comprehendible word to help him understand anything she's trying to say. Anything through the choked back wail that's threatening to push through.

"Cass… what is it? What's going on?" He asks, a concerned tone growing with each word.

"Derek… he…"

"What did he do? Where is he? Is he still there?" Shuffling can immediately be heard from the other end, and if Cassidy could put any extra thought into it, she would know he's putting shoes on.

"No." She whispers, feeling a mild amount of relief as she hears the beep of his car unlocking. But her breathing stays rapid and she clutches her chest with her free hand, as if to keep her heart in place.

"I'll be right there."

Her body begins to feel weak, her eyes begin to glaze over even more, and her hand drops down with a loose grasp on her phone. She hardly registers anything besides overwhelming dread and anxiety, though the feeling of her device leaving her hand can just barely be acknowledged. And then the faint sound of Harry's voice can ever so slightly be heard shouting through the speaker.

"Cass? Cass!"

"Hello?" Another voice speaks, gentle and calm, belonging to Mrs. Clarkson.

The muffled noise from their conversation fades into the background and Cassidy is left with the sound of her fast heartbeats and even faster breaths.

"It'll be alright. He's on his way." She hears beside her. "Harry's on his way."

[ flashback - May 2005 ]

Cassidy sits on her bed and giggles as she watches her best friend twirl around the room in one of the dresses they found in the closet.

"This one should work." Gemma asks, stopping her motions and posing in front of the full length mirror that is propped up against the wall. "You're sure you're okay with lending it to me?"

"Of course!" Cassidy exclaims. "That's what best friends are for."

"Exactly." Gemma winks in reflection, taking one last look at herself before turning around to face her friend. "I need to use the toilet, and I'll change in there too."

The noise of the bathroom door sounds out and Cassidy pushes herself off the mattress, bending down to begin tidying up the multitude of outfits that did not satisfy the specific look that Gemma was going for.

A sudden thud causes Cassidy to jump in place, and her happy, fun demeanor is replaced with anxiety as she hears two voices from the front of the house. From her mum and dad. That means, their happy, fun day is about to turn chaotic, and they need to get out of there. Fast.

"No, no, no."

She drops the clothes and bursts out of her bedroom to the door across the way, bringing her fist up to gently, but vigorously, knock on the wood.

"Gem." She whispers, keeping her words and actions as quiet as possible. "Gemma."

"Alright. Alright. Hold on." She hears in a response, an unknowingly chuckle accompanying the words.

"Gemma. We've… we've got to go."

The door swings open, and Cassidy sees her best friend's curious yet playful expression turn to one of concern as loud voices begin to fill the house.

"What's-"

She's not even sure what her main concern is at this moment, but what she does know is that she wants to get out of there. She needs to get out of there. They both do. She grabs her best friend's hand, motioning for her to keep quiet and begins to maneuver through the house to the back door, while the yelling only increases in volume and intensity.

As they arrive at their exit point, Cassidy's palm grips the doorknob, but she feels Gemma's hand squeeze her own as a sharp noise booms, quickly followed by quiet whimpers.

"You stupid cunt!" The deep voice of her father yells, accompanied by another sharp smack.

"Oh my god." Gemma whispers, and Cassidy's heart sinks as they sneak out of the house. She feels hurt, because she knows her mum is now in pain, and she feels embarrassed, because her best friend now knows it too.

They round the corner of the home, hands still gripped onto each other, and Cassidy lets out an exhausted, but relieved exhale as they reach the footpath out front.

"Umm, so…" She hears, turning to face her best friend, but unable to meet her gaze.

"That… that was awkward, right?" She chuckles, hoping to play it off as normal as possible. "Sorry you heard my parents… having a bit of a… a small disagreement…"

"That sounded like it was way more than a small disagreement, CJ." Gemma replies, her usual confidence taken over by compassionate caution.

"Oh, no. It was nothing."

"I heard him call her a… a cunt… and I heard him… hit her."

"It's… I mean, they just…" Cassidy sighs, choking back the tears in a last ditch effort to keep her composure, though she has the awareness that it's truly failing.

"CJ." Gemma mutters the statement of her name, and the dam breaks. Her hands fly up to her face, knowing her reaction has already been seen, yet still wanting to disappear into nothing. It's bad enough that those 'disagreements' even occur, but having her best friend hear it, know about it, makes it that much worse. And also, that much more real. When no one else knew, at least Cassidy could pretend it didn't happen at all, or that it was just a bad dream. But now? Now someone else knows, now she can't hide it, and now she has to face the truth.

"Please don't tell anyone."

"Well…" Gemma begins, grabbing her friend's shoulders. "I think we should… can I at least tell my parents? Maybe they'll, like, let you stay over."

Cassidy looks right at her best friend, practically her sister, and finds the sincerest and most compassionate of expressions she's ever come across. She can only imagine how much deeper they would be from Anne and Robin. Though the thought of anyone knowing her secret terrified her before, something about Gemma, Anne, and Robin knowing makes her feel at ease. If she wanted anyone to know, it would be them. The family she's basically growing up with now as her own.

"Okay." She agrees, feeling nervous yet comfortable with the decision. "Just, please, don't tell your brother."

[ present - August 2020 ]

Cassidy can't tell if it has felt like mere seconds, or a full hour since Derek had stormed out, so the new knock at the door sends a shiver over her body.

It creaks open, and Cassidy glances over from her spot on the sofa to see Mrs. Clarkson standing cautiously in the small gap she has made between the door and the frame.

"Hello." She states solemnly.

"Hi. I'm Harry." He replies quickly, almost an urgency to his greeting.

The neighbor nods and opens the space wide enough for him to enter the flat. As soon as Cassidy sees his short tousled curls, the small amount of sweat framing his face, and the terrified anger shooting through the greens of his eyes, her gaze immediately falls down to her pathetically shaky hands.

The fragrance of his cologne hits her first, swiftly followed by the warmth of his palms on her thighs.

"Cass." Harry exhales, lifting her chin with his finger, and she looks up to find his gaze flickering all over her face at a desperate speed. His fingers push her hair back on each side, and his thumbs brush over her skin as if searching for the answers. "Are you alright?"

Her brow furrows in uncertainty of how to answer. Sure, she is physically fine, despite the pending bruise that will most likely form from Derek's tight grip on her arm. But her heart, mind, and soul are in pieces. Not over Derek, per say. No, what hurts is the fact that this happened at all, that she let it happen, that she didn't see it coming in the first place. What hurts is that she has been in that situation before, years ago as a child, and still saw no signs in her most recent relationship. But what hurts the most, is the thought of what might have happened if her daughter had not stayed in her room.

"Cass. Breathe with me. Inhale for ten, remember?" His soft voice encourages, though the perceived gentle tone is wrapped with wavering confidence. "Cassidy… please, breathe with me."

Would Cecelia have seen what was happening, and understood? Would Derek have hurt her even more with her daughter present? Would he have hurt her daughter?

Pain and guilt strike every nerve in her body. She, of all people, should have seen signs. She, of all people, should have been able to avoid that situation. She, of all people, should have been able to keep that potential danger out of her child's life.

"C-... Cece…"

"Cece is fine. She's asleep. Mrs. Clarkson just checked on her before she left." She hears the words, though muffled by her racing thoughts. Warmth covers her cheeks again and her head begins to tilt by Harry's hand, raising her blurry gaze to find one of pure concern. "Cass, look at me. Cece is fine."

"I… let… let him… around her." She begins, eyes filling, unbelievably, with even more tears. "I let him… around my daughter!"

A silence fills the room, leaving only Harry's calm breaths left to encourage the regulation of her own. The heat on her cheeks travels to her hands, and she looks down to see them wrapped up in his.

"Inhale for ten." He whispers, taking a breath with her. "And let it out."

"I'm-"

"Please, love. Breathe." He demands in the most tender way, causing her gaze to shoot back up to his. "Breathe with me."

She nods, taking in air with Harry and holding it in as he holds her hands.

"I'm so… stupid." She states, releasing an exhale as she finally feels her lungs open and her chest release the tight hold it has around her heart.

"You're not stupid."

"I should have known." Her brow furrows, an anger towards herself rising to replace her panic as she catches more breaths. "And what's worse? I liked him. I mean… there were things that bugged me, things I questioned a little… but I kept seeing him!"

Harry's hands squeeze her own, so subtly, and she hears his throat clear as he pulls them away. His body moves around and takes a seat beside her, his elbows resting on his knees with his hands clasped together.

"You just… wanted someone… to share life with." He utters sombrely.

"The wrong someone."

"They're all 'the wrong someone' until we find the right one…" He states, a little chuckle following his words, clearly a little pleased with how philosophical his statement came across.

Cassidy releases an amused exhale and feels the tension of her body begin to loosen.

"And even then…" He adds, giving a small yet noticeable shrug. "Love is… complicated."

"I wasn't in love." She instantly replies, certain of that fact, even with the night's events aside. "I've… I've actually never been in love."

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Harry's posture straighten and his gaze shoot over to her.

"Really?"

She is unsure as to why, but his sudden reaction and the following question have her feeling embarrassment flood over her.

"Have you?"

"I think so." He replies, his hand reaching up and fingers readjusting the clip on his curls.

"Isn't that something you should know?" She asks, watching as his lips pull inward, and noticing something she has very rarely seen in him, if at all. Vulnerability.

"Is it really love if…" He releases a subtle sigh, and as she looks over, she sees him begin to twist his fingers of one hand around those of the other, as if his rings were still adorning them. "If… it's not reciprocated?"

Cassidy opens her mouth with nothing to say. She's never felt that way about somebody. Anybody. The relationship that should have been her example for love had all but destroyed the hopes she had for finding it. She may not even know how to do it properly. Then when Cecelia came along, there wasn't really a need for it. Though that is a different love. Nonetheless, she feels sad for Harry. Knowing how generous and caring he is with his friends and family, with her and Cecelia, she can only imagine how much more he would give to someone he felt that strongly for. And for it to not be returned? She's surprised he hasn't given up hope. She sure wants to, the little she even had to begin with.

"You… probably shouldn't ask me…" She utters, wrapping her arms around to hold herself, and staring down as her fingers gently run over the large red mark that's been left behind.

"Okay. I won't." He states suddenly, slapping his palms against his thighs and pushing himself off of the sofa. Cassidy looks up to him with surprise and curiosity, seeing the formation of a mischievous little smirk. "I'll make us some tea instead."

He walks into the kitchen, doing his best not to clang things around as he retrieves two tea cups from the cabinet and adds water to the kettle.

"You know what though? We're forgetting something…"

"And what's that?" Cassidy asks, repositioning herself to get him into view.

"We are married."

Her eyebrow instantly raises, and her eyes flicker all over the room in an attempt to gather some sort of clarification, though obviously unable to do so.

"I'm sorry… what?"

"Shit. I'm an idiot." He replies sheepishly, a pink hue evident under the kitchen lights. "Of course, you don't remember."

"Remember what?" She inquires, only to be met with a timid shake of his head as the colour on his cheeks grows brighter. "Clue me in, Harry."

"Nope, there's been too many trips down memory lane recently, most at my expense."

"No, you have to tell me! Please?" She asks, channeling the sweetest her daughter uses whenever she needs persuasion to tip the scales in her favour.

He closes his eyes and pulls his lips inward, and Cassidy can't help but giggle under her breath as she watches him prepare to respond.

"Alright. Well, one afternoon, when we were kids… you and Gem were playing fairies." He shares, followed by a sort of grunt as he takes in a breath to divulge more. "Gem wanted to have this elaborate fairy wedding, so she made you the princess… the bride… but you needed a groom. So she found me and-"

"Dressed you up to be the fairy prince!" Cassidy exclaims, immediately covering her mouth in an effort to quiet her new excitement. "I do remember now! Didn't she put glitter all over your face?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't remember that specific detail…" He gripes, pouring the hot water into the cups, and lifting them as he starts to walk back to the sofa. He hands the hot beverage to Cassidy, and carefully lowers himself back down next to her, taking a sip of his tea before resting it down on the table in front of him.

"Well, the wedding was pretty magical." She states. Harry lifts his head, turning it slightly towards her with a proud smile stretched across his face.

"Bit of a rocky marriage though." He points out, and Cassidy's jaw drops dramatically as she swats his arm, causing his hands to be thrown up in surrender.

"That's because the prince was, and still is, kind of a twat."

Harry mimics her offended reaction, his hand flying to this against his chest, as if physically pained by her insult.

"The princess is still kind of a pain in the ass herself."

"Well, thank goodness it wasn't official!"

"Umm, excuse me, but if I remember correctly, the ceremony was done with a magic wand." He states, so matter-of-fact. "That's binding."

"Oh bloody hell." She replies, pinching the bridge of her nose, annoyed but mostly amused by the declaration.

"You're stuck with me, Cass." Harry grins, most likely from his perceived triumph of the argument, yet Cassidy can't help but feel as if he is happy with the sentiment as well. With the notion that she has to put up with him and have him around, in some capacity, forever.

She wants to lean into her instincts and make some jab about how she regrets ever putting on the fairy tutu Gemma had made her wear. But as she focuses on the green of his eyes, she feels a heat run up her neck and hit the apples of her cheeks. She's flattered by his desire to continue to be friends throughout the rest of their lives, and she has to agree that she wants the same. Despite all of their childhood torment of each other, he truly has become one of her best friends, and she can't really envision him not being around. For her and for Cecelia.

A sudden thud from the corridor outside of her flat causes Cassidy's gaze to shoot over to the front door, her lungs to gasp, her arm to swiftly stretch out to her side, and her hand to latch right onto Harry's thigh.

"Hey, it's alright." She hears him say softly, her eyes unable to focus on anything but the front door. One strong, warm palm sets on top of hers, the other begins to run up and down her back, tearing her gaze away and back onto the man beside her. The friend beside her. "You're alright."

She feels her expression go from panicked to pained, and she feels hot tears trickling down her cheeks. Another feeling, an odd feeling, begins to overwhelm her, as if her body is being pulled between alarmed tension and settled ease. The noise outside has clearly triggered an unfortunately familiar response, and yet somehow it is also being so effortlessly drawn to a comforted state. By Harry.

"Would you like me to stay for a bit? We can watch a show or something."

Cassidy nods, still feeling the adrenaline coursing through her veins, though the intensity is decreasing as she watches Harry's caring gaze stay fixed on her, almost displaying relief with her unspoken response.

"Okay, then." He replies, pulling his lips inward, attempting to disguise a small smile that still manages to peek through by the corners of his mouth. He leans forward, grabbing the remote, and settling back into the cushions as he turns the television on.

Cassidy watches him while he scrolls, and something about such a mundane moment begins to bring her a slight amount of peace. She realizes that he seems to be one of the people, one of only a few people, who does that for her. Who actually can do that for her. And she needs all the peace she can get right now.

"Harry?" She practically whispers.

"Yes?" He replies, the light of the screen brightening his face and reflecting in his eyes as he scrolls through the viewing options.

"Would… would you… maybe, also…" She utters, clearing her throat to gain some volume, and confidence, for her next request. "Stay the night?"

His head immediately turns to her, his eyes wide, yet leaving her unable to determine what emotion is behind them. What thoughts could be causing them to react that way.

"Of course I will!" He exclaims, and more tears start to gather on her lash line at how quickly he answered, and how willing he is to do what she wants. What she needs.

He turns away, reaching to the other side of him, and twists back with one of her large blankets in hand. Cassidy scoots closer to Harry as he holds it up for her, allowing him to place the blanket on both of their laps. His arm stretches behind her on the back on the sofa, and without thinking, she leans into him, the movement of their adjustments causing her senses to be hit with his scent. It's the same as it's always been, but tonight it includes an increased, soothing element.

A few muffled noises outside momentarily grab her attention, her head slightly pointing in the direction of their origin on the other side of her front door. She lets out an exhale, louder than intended, and then feels the slightest squeeze around her shoulders.

"Are you alright? Comfortable?"

"As much as I can be, I suppose." She chuckles, accompanied by a scoff of disappointment and frustration, wishing she was able to truly calm down.

"You can… sit back up if you need to…" He utters, and she feels him begin to slowly pull away. "I can grab another blanket, or-"

She sits up, but only slightly, and only so she can meet the green eyes that are now filled with concern and uncertainty.

"No, it's not that. I just… I just don't know if I'll be able to relax fully here." She responds with a sigh, acknowledging that the events of the evening have taken their toll on her physical and mental state.

"Stay with me, then."

"What?"

"Come stay at my place."

"Harry, it's way too late." She states, confused as to his thought process behind the suggestion. "And Cece is sleeping."

"Not tonight." He replies, a bit of amusement to his tone. "Tomorrow. Pack up some things for the both of you, and just spend a few days there."

"I don't know. I don't want to impose-"

"You're not. I offered." He interrupts, seemingly annoyed yet entertained by her attempt to not inconvenience him, despite his constant reminders that she's not. This situation just feels a bit different for her. He's not responsible for making this situation any better. Yet, here he is, doing just that.

"And it's very sweet." She smiles, unintentionally, and feels a heat on her cheeks as he smiles back. "But also unnecessary. We'll be okay."

"Truth be told… I need it." He begins, bringing his balled up fist to his mouth as he clears his throat. "I won't be able to fully relax, unless I can see it… see that you're okay."

Cassidy is instantly hit with so many things at once. Her lips shut tight as she tries to swallow the lump that has instantly formed in her throat, her face tingles with the vibrant blush that has suddenly spread from her cheeks, and her abdomen tightens with something she can't quite understand.

"It would help me." He utters, a sudden timidity taking over the confidence he first used with his suggestion. "You don't have to."

"Well-" She tries to speak.

What is this feeling? What is going on in the pit of her stomach?

"But I'd like you to."

It's butterflies.

"Okay." She accepts, feeling her heart race with positivity, for the first time tonight. "If you insist."

Series Masterlist

•••

If you like what I post, and want to just send some extra support, I have a ko-fi account. Even the smallest amount is greatly appreciated. There is no obligation or expectation to donate, because I am honestly just so grateful that you're here! 🩷 Bee xx

•••

Overall Taglist: @watermelonsugacry @tw1nflamebruis3 @hopefulwastelandcreation @tenaciousperfectionunknown @queenmadi2 @runway-to-my-aid @theekyliepage @be-yourss @b-reads-things @behindmygreyeyes @michellekstyles @a-strange-familiar @yousunshineyoutempter @buckybarnessimpp @msolbesg @sleutherclaw @katiebaxterrrrrr @percysaidnever @mrspeacem1nusone @thurhomish @harrystylesrecs @vickiii17 @itsbebeyyy @divalovesyou @bxbyysstuff @jessitpwk @sunshinemoonsposts @walkingintheheartbreaksatellite @boybands-baseball @austynparksandpizza @missmielyhoran @harryspirate @tiaamberxx @matildasatellite @cherryshouse @yatebe-kohayu @perfectzinenerdperson @babyiamperfectforyou @daphnesutton @around1302 @daydreamingofmatilda @swiftmendeshoran @one-sweet-gubler @jerseygirlinca @carey86 @lomlhstyles @vrittivsanghavi @fdl305 @sunflowersloverr

#harry styles #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fic #harry styles series #harry styles imagine #harry styles angst #harry styles fluff #harry styles smut #harry styles x oc #famous!harry #harry styles enemies to lovers #harry styles friends to lovers #harry styles best friend #best friend!harry #bffrry #harry styles tour #harry styles album #harry angst #harry smut #harry fluff #harry fic #harry fanfic #harry fan fiction #laceleaf series

[mitch4tune]

My Aroace Journey

Teacher during Sex Ed: You'll all feel sexual attraction at some point. Me, years later, still waiting and panicking: Where is it? *manic chuckle* Wh... Where the hell is it...??

I've only really celebrated Valentine's Day once (aside from exchanging cards with my class in elementary school), so I'll contribute to the aromantic awareness that's been trending on Tumblr by sharing my experience of how I found out I'm aroace.

I first heard of the term "asexual" in an LGBTQ context in September or October of 2020 because of Alastor's sexuality being officially confirmed. "Very interesting! Can't be me," I thought.

I got into researching and asking reddit anyway. I think I determined that I'm ace later that year in October.

In April of 2021, the thought of me possibly being aromantic as well struck me. I hated that thought, telling myself, "I've already had one thing taken away; why do I have to lack something else?!"

(I want to clarify that lacking sexual and romantic attraction doesn't make someone any less of a person.)

Once I accepted that I'd probably never fall in love, I ironically got into a romantic relationship in July and determined that I'm demiromantic. During that relationship, I experienced waking up looking forward to messaging them each day, seeing the world in more saturated colours, and even properly enjoyed my first Valentine's Day date. I'm forever grateful for all of that.

The relationship lasted a little more than a year before I fell out of love (that doesn't mean I don't still love them; I'm just not in love anymore). A year after the breakup, a friend suggested that I could be cupioromantic. I joined the subreddit and described my situation, to which someone recommended I check out r/lithromantic.

I spent a long time feeling like I'd gotten robbed of something again ("Why can I even fall in love if that's going to be taken away after it's returned?"), but I eventually accepted my orientation despite still getting sad about it every now and then.

I speculated on another part of my identity from January to February of 2024. I'm not comfortable saying what it is yet, but I will say that a big part of that ordeal was spent worrying about how my identity would affect other people, which is ridiculous; your identity is part of you; not anyone else.

I only told two people because I felt disgusting for the thought even having crossed my mind randomly. I don't know why, since I'll always speak in favor of people who identify that way. But I still felt that way, no matter how much I reassured myself. No matter how much those two friends reassured me.

I came to the conclusion that it doesn't apply to me (though I'm not putting it completely off the table).

That brings us to now. I'm exhausted. (^ ^ ;) I'll end this off with some memes I saved up while I was still in the closet. Happy Valentine's Day!

#aromantic #aro #aroace #asexual #demiromantic #lithromantic #questioning identity #lgbtq community #long post

[nancydrewwouldnever]

I feel like the majority of his impetus behind ASP was his disgust with Trump. It feels like it was his more physical manifestation of his anti-Trump stance, beyond his tweets of the time. I feel like once Trump lost re-election in 2020 his politics interest started waning big time.// I noticed this too. I started questioning it ever since he brought the idea forward and doing interviews about it. It felt like a vanity project against trump with interviews of not so great republicans. Then once trump started going downhill and lost, his interest in it has almost disappeared. I wonder if he feels like he accomplished anything with ASP. I don’t think we’ll ever know but from the outside looking in, it doesn’t feel that way to me. However I do think it could’ve been a very decent political site if there was just more of a long term focus and determination about it. He’s just not a person who has that, in my opinion.

So, obviously, I'm using some older asks still in the inbox to spur some things I'm thinking about while I have asks off.

While I do believe in the loss of interest after Trump was out of office, I also want to talk about what ASP might have accomplished for Chris, even half-heartedly.

Let's not kid ourselves that ASP was not a cog in the wheel of a larger PR persona soft pivot strategy. Let's take a look:

The Wired Interview, January 2020 (clock when the interview actually happened though, October 2019 in L.A.)

So this was done not too many months after the Hollywood Reporter Interview of early 2019 that also teased the "quasi-retirement" angle and talked about ASP as well:

So, like any good business venture, using the year previous to launch to tease out the product. (The product being the reinvented post-Marvel Chris Evans.)

Then, a feather in the cap that would have hit at the same time as ASP's initial launch, had it not been for Covid, the Time Magazine May 2020 inclusion article:

But, to me, the real big score for any politico, a write-up in The Washington Post, October 22, 2020:

They even came to his MA house for the photoshoot, due to Covid.

The rebrand/pivot continued into 2021, post-election, but pre- him going back to more regular filming scheule. The Newsweek article, June 18-25, 2021 cover edition:

So, here we had it, the real gain from ASP, the post-Marvel all-grown up new Chris Evans PR persona. Yay.

Too bad whatever personal life decisions he made half-way through 2021 completely blew this up.

I would have liked to have seen where this version of Chris could have gone. (And I guess we'll never see this again, because he seems to have no interest in it anymore.)

#ask #ASP #interview #2020 #2021

[subism]

Tumblr, AI, and The Impossible Year

I'm very disappointed by the news that Tumblr's content is going to be used to train AI. with a default Opt-In and questionable means of opting out. As an artist, this is something I cannot abide. From January 1, 2012 to January 1, 2014 I shot and posted a Polaroid photograph a day to this site, and when the pandemic hit in 2020 I resumed in April of that year and carried through (although less strictly) until May of 2021.

This was all posted to theimpossibleyear.tumblr.com / theimpossibleyear.com. It was a personal blog, and a deeply personal project. I showed what I was doing every day for multiple years.

There are literally hundreds of people featured throughout this project. Friends, family, colleagues, some of whom I had fallings out with, and some whom have since passed away.

These folks did not consent to have their likenesses used to train facial recognition algorithms or AI image generators. According to US copyright law, I am the owner to the photographs, and I can sublicense them however I want. I'm not keen on Tumblr doing the same. And while social media sites like Tumblr always had the rights to do things like this in their privacy policies, tools like Dall-E and Midjourney didn't exist at the time, and I never conceived of such a thing. My personal views on AI aside, I don't think allowing the likenesses of these folks to be bought and sold in such a way without their consent is ethical. Hypothetically I could reach out to every single one of them (or at least those still living) and ask for their consent, but aside from the tedium and awkwardness of having to repeatedly have that conversation, including with some folks I no longer associate with, I simply don't want to.

Additionally, I don't believe most folks really understand machine learning algorithms, large language models, and AI image generators, and I think honestly, it would be extremely hard to get informed consent for such a matter, and I sincerely believe most people would say 'No' if they understood it.

I believe artists should be compensated for their work, and I believe when that work is used for profit that the subjects of such work either need to have consented to that first. And, through that lens, the entitled beliefs of the people behind corporations like Open-AI and Midjourney, that they should be able to train off this work for free absolutely disgusts me. And I am disheartened to see Tumblr go the same route.

I do believe there are positive sides to AI, I do believe it is somewhat inevitable, but I do not believe the ends justify these means.

While I believe strongly in the public domain and creative commons, and I think US copyright law is deeply broken, I also know how hard it is to make a living as an artist. I will not I cannot sit by and just allow my own work, my own memories, my friends, family, and loved ones to be used as a tool to enrich billionaires at the expense of small creators.

I used to think that when I died I wanted all of my creative works to be willed into the public domain for the good of everyone. Now I'm not so sure. As such, I will be removing my content from Tumblr in the coming weeks. As I write this I'm importing the content of theimpossibleyear.tumblr.com to a self hosted server and theimpossibleyear.com is redirecting there. Once I am sure it's been successfully migrated I'll remove all of the content from Tumblr for good.

I know relocated content can still be scraped by AI bots against my will. But I'm considering ways of disabling crawlers, making it password protected and/or parsing all of the images through Nightshade or some other tool. At the very least I’ll have made my terms clear. I'm still figuring out what to do with this blog. It will eventually go away, but I have yet to decide what will happen with the content. Either way, this sucks. I am so tired.

#ai #midjourney #tumblr #polaroid #open-ai #ai art #theft #matt mullenweg #automattic #subism #the impossible year

[dangertoozmanykids101]

Brush And Floss To Fight Cavities And Other Villains

I forgot I even wrote this first half of a story - back in January of 2020.

SUMMARY: You'll never believe what happened to poor Tom today. He really got sent through the wringer - quite the rollercoaster of a day. But don't worry, Tom is going to tell you all about it. "It all started with this dream I had...."

But first let me blame @maryxglz for starting my morning off today far too fixated on young Tom and his teeth. Our dearest @maryxglz has been fueling our community with the most beautiful gifs for years. Look at this one! (Link to full post in blue.)

@maryxglz posted the above gif back in Dec 2018 in a perfect set of three all looping with perfect timing to showcase his mouth - those lips, that little tongue that peeks out in another gif, and those gleaming white teeth. And I haven't even mentioned the way those eyelashes brush his skin when they flutter closed like a butterfly sunning itself on my finger.

Only for his eyes to open back up with those pale ocean blue eyes that sparkle with ... GOD they are seductive! @maryxglz you have done it again!! He looks like a little coquette that I want to gobble up piece by piece!

[Clearing my throat, unsuccessfully trying to rid my voice of that hoarse gravely growl that undermines my desperate attempt to appear non-predatory.]

Brush And Floss To Fight Cavities And Other Villains

So after spending half my morning fixated on his teeth in this filthy erotic gif above that @maryxglz made, I remembered a stupid crack fic I started back in Jan 2020 that y'all may or may not get a kick out of. You tell me? It's 2111 words and somewhere I have a second chapter started. On AO3 I tagged it with warnings such as minor violence, dreams vs. reality, nightmares, teeth, tooth fairy, alternate reality, RPF Tom Hiddleston, crack fiction, I must've been on crack to write this. Sorry, no smut. It's not really RPF though - just a guy named Tom who looks exactly like the guy in the above gif by @maryxglz Enjoy.

This is from Tom's POV.

You know what saved me? Pilates. I was able to finally buck my hips hard enough to knock her off balance and free my legs from under me.

So it all started with this dream I had last night. You're going to think I'm crazy, but please hear me out.

In my dream, I woke up lying in bed still dressed, smelling like a saloon, and feeling like I'd been in a bar fight. My tongue was cracked and grooved from dehydration and mouth breathing; it felt like the floor of a desert and probably looked even worse. When I opened my eyes, I saw none other than the tooth fairy hovering above my bed with her face maybe 10 inches from mine. She was intently staring at my mouth until I snapped it shut. I was left with this awkward violated feeling, like she had seen me dancing naked in the kitchen.

"You're awake! Oh wonderful. This will be so much easier now." Her face lit up when she saw my eyes open. Her wings moved so fast that I hadn't noticed them until she did a happy spin with an extra swoop-dee-loop and flutter that scattered gold fairy dust all over me and the bed. Some got into my nose which I accidentally inhaled, sending me into a painful coughing fit. At some point I made the mistake of licking my lips; it tasted disgusting and bitter.

Once my cough settled down, I stared at her in disbelief, trying to figure out what or who she was. I hadn't noticed yet that I was dreaming, a concept still far out of reach, nor was I privy to the fact that she was after my teeth. I just felt groggy, still two sheets to the wind with my head feeling thick and fragile, so my mind wandered trying to remember why I would be hung over and where I had gone that night dressed in a tuxedo. In real life I knew I had stayed home, but my attire and the state of my health told another story.

During my internal debate of truth, facts, and misconceptions, the tooth fairy was flipping through some notebook mumbling to herself. All I could understand were random numbers she rattled off in no obvious sequence before she slammed the book shut.

"Right-ee-o then. You are Thomas William Hiddleston, correct?" She smiled with a very business-like receptionist's smile that was as superficial as her gold leaf lipstick.

"Yes." I had no idea what else to say since she wasn't wrong.

"Good. Now open wide please so I can take inventory."

I hadn't realized how little she was. Her face was so close to mine when she spoke that I could barely focus. Otherwise, she hovered beside the bed, slightly floating up and down and still far enough away to skew with my depth perception. Without my glasses or contacts in she was little more than a white blur that far away, appearing to float like an apparition or some energy being. I thought maybe she was an angel, since she wore white and her skin had a gold shine to it, as though she was her own nightlight.

When her hands grabbed my lips and pulled my mouth open, I was shocked that her hands were no bigger than a raccoon or maybe a tiny monkey. Her face came closer to look directly into my mouth. I just laid there and let her do whatever she wanted. I wasn't scared yet, just super weirded out and hoping the examination would be over soon.

She reached in and moved my tongue from one side to the other as she counted to herself, and mumbled things like:

"Yep."

"I knew it."

"Oh, that's no good."

"Yep. That one too."

"Well, that one can wait."

Leaning back she wrote some more things into her little notebook and shook her head. She scratched her chin furiously before writing more, then shook her head again.

"They are not going to be happy about this," she muttered to herself, but her voice was loud enough for me to hear.

In an attempt to lighten the mood as well as distract myself, I couldn't resist the urge to say anything to fill the silence. It didn't matter what I said, as long as I said something. This was unfortunate since what spilled out of my mouth was moronic.

"Well Doc, am I going to live or not? Just give it to me straight, Doc." I used some weird American accent that I couldn't identify, let alone tell you why I used it. I just felt stupid after I spoke out loud. The only other sound in the room was the low whir of her wings beating as fast as a hummingbird. Besides that, the silence was deafening, an assassin to any performer's ego. She completely ignored me as though I hadn't said a word. I'll admit that this wasn't a shock, since my comedic delivery needed a lot of work.

Without even acknowledging me, she put away her notebook somewhere and took a surgical mask out of her pocket. A little metal arm swung down from atop her head that had a huge magnifying glass attached to the end. The lens covered half of her face and from my view her eye was enlarged just as big as the lens.

"Okey dokey Tommy my dear. There is nothing to be afraid of. This will just take a few minutes and it won't hurt a bit. You'll only feel a tiny little bee sting."

"Bee sting?!" I jumped up and scrambled back across the bed. "WHAT isn't going to hurt? Because a bee sting DOES hurt! How do you know I'm not allergic to bee stings?"

“Tommy boy. Stay still." She advanced on my position until I fell off the bed.

I did a backflip, or more accurately a clumsy back roll and belly flop off the bed landing flat onto my face. Keeping my body low to the ground, I tried to crawl away from the bed toward the door. I didn't want to spook her since she seemed unpredictable.

Her advance was steady until I started to crawl, then she whipped around to block my path to the door and flew at me like a bat out of Hel. Knocking me back, the little demon planted herself on my chest trapping my knees still bent underneath me. This left me in an awkward and uncomfortable position with my arms pinned to my sides under her thighs. She may have been tiny, but no amount of wiggling and pushing would budge her. The laws of physics did not apply to this creature. Though she was tiny, she was fierce and weighed a ton.

The comedy of the scene was surreal; I, a very fit six foot two inch man, just got taken down and completely incapacitated by some little pixie devil the size of a large raccoon with wings.

She studied my eyes; she didn't look into them but AT them, first one and then the other, studying them as though she was reading a story we couldn't see, or listening to music we couldn't hear. I watched her facial expressions intensely, trying to interpret something, anything that she might give away.

"Can you hear me Tommy?"

I nodded. I thought I could hear her. My eyes were as big as saucers, so maybe I just saw her talk while my brain made assumptions about what she said. I rapidly blinked a few times to verify that my eyes were indeed open, but I couldn't figure out how to verify that my ears were turned on.

"OK. Good. I'm going to take three teeth, and then you can go back to sleep."

THREE? .... THREE TEETH!!

I shook my head violently, partially to make sure I was hearing things correctly, partially to rattle some things lose in case I was going crazy, and partially because I was really hoping this was a dream. I continued to shake my head plus as much of my upper body that I could, because there was no way in Hel I would let her near my mouth. I held my lips pursed so tight she would have needed a crowbar to get inside. She tried to grab the sides of my head to steady me, but I just thrashed harder.

"You need to settle down Mr. Hiddleston. Just open your mouth and you'll never even miss them. I promise! But I'm not leaving here tonight without them."

Anger and contempt formed in her eyes. Her hand pulled back and she swung. She slapped me so hard that I heard a bell ring.

In that stunned moment my mouth fell open and those tiny little monkey hands of hers dove into my mouth. She grabbed ahold of one of my molars and started yanking at it. I've never before felt anything so bizarre or disturbing.

If that little angel hadn't fallen from heaven already, she surely would soon. The anger in her eyes glowed like the flames of Hel as she glared at me; she looked scary. Those tiny little hands pushed down on my windpipe at just the right spot. With the creepiest smile flashing large bright white perfectly straight teeth, she watched me struggle and gasp for air. I slammed my knees into her back several times, but she didn't budge.

"Well my dear sweet Tommy-Boy, looks like we'll have to anesthetize you in order to retrieve what we are due. Now just close your eyes. That's it. Go to sleep."

The lack of oxygen to my brain started to take its toll. I stared up and the world slowly was swallowed by a black cloud encircling her so she became this golden flame still visible inside my rapidly diminishing vision; she was the only light within a vast darkness. The irises of her eyes spiraled with green and gold as everything grew darker and darker until all I could see were those eyes and hear her saying "Tommy-Boy" over and over again.

It was terrifying! I thought I was going to die.

With my last ounce of strength before I completely succumbed to an unconscious void, with one last abdominal crunch to literally save my life, my knees hit her back with enough force to push her off me.

I sat up, coughing and drawing as much air into my lungs as I could, but no sooner had I caught my breath that she knocked it right out of me again. I heard this shrill scream behind me seconds before I felt the impact. She flew full throttle into my back and sent me rolling across the floor.

With my adrenaline pumping overtime by this point, I felt like Kong as I stood up and reached for her as she flew around me just outside of my grasp. Swooping in and out, stabbing me repeatedly with something sharp, she hissed in response to my roars.

Then I got her!

My giant gorilla hand wrapped around her ankle and threw her to the ground. Dust plumed up from the carpet like a cloud, leaving a small crater on my bedroom floor.

Finally I had knocked the wind out of her giving me the upper hand for a mere moment, but that was plenty of time. I roared into her face with the fury of a wild animal before grabbing her feet. Lifting her up into the air like a rag doll, I slammed her body back down to the ground again and again and again.

Eventually she just disappeared out of my hands in a sparkling puff of smoke, leaving me standing alone and bewildered. I sat back down on the edge of the bed staring at the state of my room wondering how I would ever explain the damage to the floor, especially considering that every surface of my room was covered with a sparkling gold glitter.

Looking at my hands and legs, I was covered with the same glowing gold dust. I couldn't rub it off no matter how hard I tried. Finally I just gave up and flung myself back onto the bed absolutely exhausted.

'What the fuck just happened to me?` was all I could think as I drifted back to sleep.

"Tom! Tom!"

I felt something kicking at my leg still dangling off the bed, and I heard myself grunting with each kick to the shin. That sensation was real, very real. My shin would surely develop a huge bruise quickly.

"Ouch!" I finally moaned almost intelligibly.

"Thomas William Hiddleston! Wake up you asshole!"

I'm just tagging a handful of people off the top of my head who might have a good laugh or remember the first time I posted this. @nildespirandum @ladyoftheteaandblood @caffiend-queen @redfoxwritesstuff @myoxisbroken @imanuglywombat @jtargaryen18 @so-easy-to-love-me @acidcasualties @americasass81 @muddyorbs @lokisgoodgirl @frostbitten-written @talklokitome @latent-thoughts @mooncat163 @fictive-sl0th @mastreworld @gigglingtiggerv2 @deceitfuldevout @lokischambermaid @mochie85 @alexakeyloveloki @devikafernando @holymultiplefandomsbatman

[heaven-s-black-box]

Found him like this- Seijoh Team

Return to File

Recovery date: January 22nd, 2020

Description: Seijoh discovers a dead body and decides what to do with it.

Notes: N/A

Word count: 471

Back to directory

“So, let me get this straight, “ Iwaizumi started rubbing the bridge of his nose, “you just found him like this?”

“Yes!” other third years answered in unison.

Here they were huddled around a body, a very dead very smelly body. They were behind the gym, just after practice. It was dark so they couldn’t see what killed him, in fact they could barely tell it was a he. This was not the best sight and if anyone walked by, they’d definitely question it.

“Well, just leave him be. Someone’ll find him eventually.”

“But Iwa-chan!” Oikawa whined, “We can’t just leave him here.”

“Ya,” Hanamaki said.

“That would be cruel,” Matsukawa continued, “besides Oikawa touched it.”

“Why would you touch it?!”

“I didn’t touch it Iwa-chan! I poked it with a stick.”

“What’s going on?” Kunimi asked popping his head out with Kindaichi.

“Nothing!” they responded rather quickly.

They turned to face the other two hiding the body. Now facing the door, they failed to notice Yahaba and Kyotani walking by behind them. So when Yahaba spoke, everyone jumped.

“What’s with the body?”

“AHH!” they yelped.

When they turned around Kyotani was crouched in front of the body. Picking up a nearby stick he started poking it. The look of disgust on everyone's face would have been amusing if it wasn’t so agreeable. After all, poking a smelly corpse was not the most sanitary thing to do. Even with a stick it was still gross as hell. At this point the two first years were standing with them. 

So, now the group of them were huddled around the cold, smelly body. They began to discuss what to do with it. The discussion ranged from dump it to burn it (courtesy of Kyotani). 

“Why are you all still here?” Watari asked coming out of the gym with the rest of the team.

They all stepped out of the way. There was no point trying to hide it anymore. Someone was going to find the body anyways. It’s not like they’d done anything wrong anyway. 

“Really… This is what the yelling was about?” One of the others asked.

“A dead racoon…”

“Well what were we supposed to do?” Oikawa yelled.

“Just leave it,” Yahaba said.” Stop poking it,” he finished, kicking Kyotani.

“Alright,” Iwaizumi said, “now that it’s been settled let’s go home.”

“But Iwa-chan!”

“No, we’re leaving. Now,” Iwaizumi growled grabbing him and dragging him off.

With that finally settled everyone finally left. And that’s the story of how Seijoh stayed  almost two hours after practice… over a dead racoon. Every time someone tells this story, they like to leave out the fact that it was a racoon until the last possible moment. It’s become an inside joke for the team, “How many Seijoh players does it take to clean up a body?”

#Researcher S's recovery #haikyuu #aoba johsai #oikawa tooru #iwazumi hajime #yahaba shigeru #kunimi akira #kyoutani kentarou #matsukawa issei #crack #haikyuu ensemble #oneshot #Haikyuu oneshot

[dreaminginthedeepsouth]

WHAT DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE TRUMP STFU?

There's a passage in Ernest Hemingway's novel The Sun Also Rises in which a character named Mike is asked how he went bankrupt. “Two ways,” he answers. “Gradually, then suddenly.”

We are seeing the truth of that with Trump.

Last night, in response to being indicted in New York, Trump made an angry speech, painting a a dark vision of the country and spewing a litany of conspiracy theories, some old and familiar and some new and really strange. Cheered on by MAGA celebrities, he went after President Biden, then criticized - at length and with specifics - the various prosecutors investigating him.

So much for heeding the judge’s warning to him in court that he must refrain from personally attacking those involved in the case - and their families.

“I never thought anything like this could happen in America, never thought it could happen. The only crime I have committed is to fearlessly defend our nation from those who seek to destroy it.”

He then launched into 30 minute conspiracy-filled rant so crazy even Fox cut away.

“From the beginning, the Democrats spied on my campaign. Remember that? They attacked me with an onslaught of fraudulent investigations.”

He riffed from his Greatest Hits.

Eforts to impeach him for his role inciting the violent January 6 attack on the Capitol is a “hoax.”

Withholding aid from Ukraine in an effort to extract political favors is a “hoax.”

He won the 2020 election and Biden benefitted from “millions of votes illegally stuffed into ballot boxes and all caught on government cameras.”

Biden benefitted from “collusion” between the Justice Department, FBI, and Facebook who conspired to suppress information about the “Hunter Biden laptop from hell.”

The country is “going to hell” under Biden with “raging crime statistics,” a “crippled” economy, and a military that has “now gone woke at the top levels.”

This is “the most embarrassing time in our country’s history, in my opinion,” and we are on the brink of “all-out nuclear World War III.” “We’re not very far away from it, believe it or not.”

The audience included many prominent lunatics, er, I man true believers, such as Kari Lake, Mike Lindell, and Marjorie Traitor Goon.

Lindell texted various news outlets, saying the indictment would boost Trump’s current re-election campaign. “It was great and this attack on our real President solidified him winning in 2024!” “We are getting rid of the electronic voting machines!!” “Everyone loves our real president Donald Trump … some just don’t know it yet!”

In his speech, Trump specifically went after Alvin Bragg, Jack Smith, Fani Willis, and Tish James. All of them are wildly corrupt and unfairly targeting him.

Trump started with Bragg. “He campaigned on the fact that he would get President Trump. … Before he knew anything about me. Didn’t know a thing about me. It’s an insult to our country as the world is already laughing at us for so many other reasons.”

Trump accused Fani Willis of “doing everything in her power to indict me over an absolutely perfect phone call. Nobody said, ‘Sir you shouldn’t say that.’ … or hung up in disgust.”

Trump also took aim at Jack Smith, dismissing him as “a radical left lunatic known as a bomb thrower,” suggested his name might be fake, and described the documents probe “the boxes hoax.”

He then did Smith a favor, admitting he took documents from the White House, but they were held in a “very secure storage room” and insisting he had “the right to declassify documents and the process is automatic.”

“The next thing I know, we were raided by many gun-toting FBI agents. Everybody was in shock.”

Trump also suggested Biden had similarly stowed away documents. “Joe Biden took massive amounts, more documents, even removed many boxes to Chinatown. You believe that?”

He also went on at length about New York AG Tish James, defending his business practices, and attacking James for vowing to go after him as she campaigned in 2018. “This is a persecution, not an investigation. She’s put our family through hell. It’s cost hundreds of millions of dollars to defend, but our heads are held very, very high.”

At this point, it seems clear that he wants the judge to issue a gag order so he can fundraise off “Look, I’m being oppressed!”

Prosecutors said in court they weren’t seeking a gag order in the case at this point, but asked for a protective order that would limit Trump’s ability to share evidence about his case due to recent public comments. The judge told the parties to work on such an order and come back to him.

It may not just be what happened in New York yesterday that sent Trumpty Dumpty tumbling off the wall into complete insanity. While we all paying attention to seeing him in court as a criminal defendant, there was another legal hearing in Washington D.C. that may have even greater portent.

The DC Circuit Court of Appeals declined Trump’s request to intervene on an emergency basis and block the imminent grand jury testimony of former Trump administration officials in Special Counsel Jack Smith’s investigation.

That, ladies and gentlemen, is very important.

Trump’s lawyers were in court to convince District Judge James Boasberg, to stay former chief district judge Howell’s order while they appealed. They lost that argument, resulting in the emergency appeal that they lost on yesterday.

This involves the required testimony to the grand jury by former chief of staff Mark Meadows, White House advisers Stephen Miller and Dan Scavino, former Director of National Intelligence John Ratcliffe, former national security adviser Robert O’Brien, and former Homeland Security acting secretary Ken Cuccinelli.

The three-judge panel that denied the emergency motion included Obama appointees Patricia Millett and Robert Wilkins and Trump appointee Greg Katsas.

Early reporting indicates Trump will not appeal this ruling to the Supreme Court.

In a sign of how quickly things are moving, Cuccinelli went before the grand jury Tuesday afternoon right after the appeals court decision.

Trump has lost his most plausible executive privilege claims. He is going to be indicted in D.C. on every single charge.

What was on display last night was a man who is desperate and terrified. This is a criminal who punched a teacher when he was six, was caught throwing rocks at a toddler in a playpen in the yard next door to his home at age ten, who has been a public criminal for the past 50 years, and who has always gotten off. He believed he was invulnerable.

What happens to a narcissist whose world starts falling apart around him, who is constantly presented with the facts of his total and complete failure?

You’re looking at it.

Justice Juan Merchan explicitly told Trump to his face in court: “Please refrain from making statements that are likely to incite violence or civil unrest ... making comments that have potential to incite violence, create civil unrest [or] jeopardize the state or well-being of any individuals.”

He also asked Trump not to engage in rhetoric that will “jeopardize the rule of law.”

Now we just need Judge Marchand to tell him to Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

[Thats Another Fine Mess]

#Thats Another Fine Mess #drama queen #Justice #US Politics #Indicted At Last #The Pity Party

[coochiequeens]

WTF Scotland?

A prisoner who identifies as transgender is requesting taxpayer-funded “gender affirming care” through the National Healthcare System (NHS) in Scotland. Paris Green, 30, whose birth name is Peter Laing, is currently being held in the women’s section of Edinburgh’s Saughton jail, where he is serving a life sentence for murder. 

Green is seeking to become the first prisoner in the United Kingdom to have the full procedure euphemistically referred to as ‘sex reassignment surgery’ on the public dime.

In 2013, Green was one of three men found guilty for the torture and murder of 45-year-old Robert Shankland. 

Green, along with two other men had invited Shankland, 45, to a party at Green’s residence in Glenrothes, Fife, in March of 2013. Once Shankland arrived, the men tied him up, then beat and tortured him for seven hours. Shankland was also sexually assaulted him with a rolling pin before he died as a result of either suffocation or blunt force injuries. The three killers then sold Shankland’s mobile phone for £26 and spent the money on sandwiches, which they ate at the scene of the crime as Shankland took his final breaths.

When sentencing the trio at the High Court in Glasgow, Judge John Morris called the crime “utterly depraved,” stating: “This was a particularly gruesome murder which effectively involved the torture of your victim over many hours. It beggars belief that you could act towards another human being in this way.”

Upon conviction, Green was initially detained at Cornton Vale women’s prison, but was transferred to the women’s ward in Edinburgh after only five weeks in detention because he repeatedly engaged in sexual relations with the female inmates.

Speaking to the Daily Record from jail, Green said that he regretted committing the “inexcusable” crime and insisted that undergoing genital surgery would help him become rehabilitated. He blamed his “anger” over his identity for his violent actions and said he felt disgusted by his genitals.

“Nothing is more important to me than becoming fully the person I should have been. I want to feel comfortable in the shower rather than feeling repulsed. Having male genitalia feels wrong.”

When asked why he had committed the brutal murder, he said: “It was inexcusable – all I can say is I had a really awful childhood and was totally messed up. I was carrying a lot of anger inside me even before I realized I should have been a woman and that made me more angry.”

Green initially began taking hormones in 2011, and met with a surgeon at Nuffield Clinic in Brighton in 2020. But the medical professional delayed the procedure after expressing concern for the safety of other patients on the ward due to the nature of Green’s sadistic crime

Shankland’s family members have for several years campaigned against Green being housed with women, as well as being permitted to receive state-funded medical interventions. In 2018, the estimated cost to taxpayers for Green’s surgery was said to be approximately £20,000. Over the past decade, relatives of the victim have launched petitions and contacted representatives to state their case. 

One petition, created by Leigh Robb, states: “My uncle Robert was brutally murdered by three people who were all sentenced to a minimum of 18 years. Problem is that one of his murderers is a man who likes to be known as a woman ‘Paris’. This man is set to undergo full gender realignment on the NHS payed [sic] for by us tax payers. He should not be rewarded for this brutal crime and should serve his time in a man’s prison. Please help me get some justice for my uncle and our family.”

Family members spoke with The Daily Mail in 2018, detailing their objections to Green’s placement in a woman’s prison and to his potential surgery. Pauline Bell, Shankland’s sister, said, “[He] should not be getting the operation on the NHS. It’s not lifesaving treatment. [He] took ­somebody’s life away and destroyed a family.”

Shankland’s mother, Mary, told the press, “Green doesn’t know the meaning of the word remorse. [He] shouldn’t get the operation, especially when so many people need vital treatment on the NHS – and they’re not getting it. But the authorities are jumping through hoops for him.”

Shankland’s family also set up a Facebook page, Justice for Robert Shankland, where they shared updates and attempted to gain support for their efforts.

On one post from 2013, a woman who claims to have been housed in Cornton Vale with Green during the five-week period he was held there commented in support of the victim’s family, saying that the convicted murderer told her how he had committed the grotesque slaying. She also claimed that Green threatened to kill himself should he be sentenced to life in prison.

Using a mixture of both masculine and feminine pronouns, she said that Green was “vile to the core” and that he selectively took hormones, like a “game” he was playing with the staff at the women’s prison. “It’s always going to be [a] game to Paris. I can’t ever forget. I hate [him] with a passion,” the former inmate wrote.

Another former prisoner detained with Green similarly remarked: “When I first went in [he] looked, talked and acted like a woman. But [he] had a spell where [his] behavior changed. It seemed [he] was having doubts, had stopped taking the hormones and was growing facial hair again. [He] was also sexually active and everyone knew about it. [He] had at least one girlfriend.’

Still another anonymous insider told the media that Green was notorious for having sexual relations with female inmates, adding: “He didn’t seem to be acting much like a woman to me.”

At the end of January, following a slew of violent male criminals claiming to identify as women and some requesting housing in the women’s estate, the UK Ministry of Justice updated its transgender prisoner policy. The new framework restricts male inmates with intact genitalia, or those who have been convicted of a sexual offense, from being placed in women’s prisons. In February, the Scottish Prison Service confirmed that newly convicted or remanded prison inmates will initially be placed in jails according to their sex at birth.

Speaking with the Daily Record, Dr. Kate Coleman of the campaign group Keep Prisons Single Sex, said, “Green, who is serving a sentence for torture and murder, would, under the new Ministry of Justice policy, be held in the male estate. We hope the SPS [Scottish Prison Service] will similarly place the safety of women at the center of their revised policy when the policy is finally released.”

A report from The Times in 2018 revealed that a senior official of the Scottish Prison Service, Gordon Pike, who was one of those responsible for its “gender identity and gender reassignment policy,” would turn out to be a sex offender himself, having hoarded 22,000 indecent pictures of children.

By Genevieve Gluck

Genevieve is the Co-Founder of Reduxx, and the outlet's Chief Investigative Journalist with a focused interest in pornography, sexual predators, and fetish subcultures. She is the creator of the podcast Women's Voices, which features news commentary and interviews regarding women's rights.

Isla Bryson was convicted in January of raping two women in 2016 and 2019 

Prosecutors said 31-year-old, who still has a penis, 'preyed' on vulnerable women

Sex beast's lawyers recieved a total of £30,428.23 from Scottish Legal Aid Board

A trans double rapist received more than £30,000 of taxpayers cash to mount a defence - while she was initially sent to a womens prison.

Isla Bryson, 31, was convicted in January of raping two women: one in Clydebank in 2016 and one in Drumchapel, Glasgow, in 2019.

The case sparked an uproar after Bryson was initially housed in an all-female prison before being moved to the male estate following the outcry.  see rest of article

#Scotland #National Healthcare System (NHS) #Paris Green is Peter Laing #Isla Bryson

[antidrumpfs]

“I hate him passionately”: What Tucker Carlson said in private about Donald Trump

In a text message sent on November 9, 2020, Carlson declared, “The software shit is absurd.” Carlson made clear that he did not believe Trump’s central claim that voting machines had switched votes from himself to Joe Biden.

Carlson described Trump's refusal to accept his 2020 election defeat as “destructive” and “disgusting.” In a text on November 11, 2020, following news that Trump would not attend Biden’s inauguration, Carlson slammed Trump’s behavior on November 11, 2020, as “so destructive” and “disgusting,” adding, “I’m trying to look away.” 

“He’s only good at destroying.” Responding to a text on November 13, 2020, from an unknown person bemoaning the damage Trump was doing to the Republican Party by not conceding, Carlson added, “He’s only good at destroying.”

“He doesn’t care. I care.” In a text message sent November 23, 2020, Carlson lambasted Trump for undermining Republican prospects in U.S. Senate runoffs in Georgia: “And now Trump, I learned this morning, is sitting back and letting them lose the senate. He doesn’t care. I care. I've got four kids and plan to live here.”

“I hate him passionately”: Carlson was eager to see Donald Trump ushered off the political stage following his 2020 election defeat. In a text on January 4, 2021, Carlson declared, “We are very, very close to being able to ignore Trump most nights. I truly can’t wait.”

Trump and his allies “have so discredited their own case, and the rest of us to some extent.” In the same January 4, 2021, text exchange, Carlson expressed one source of his frustration, saying that Trump and those surrounding him failed to demonstrate that there was mass election fraud, which on some level Carlson continued to believe: “I have no doubt there was fraud. But at this point, Trump and Lin [Wood] and [Sidney] Powell have so discredited their own case, and the rest of us to some extent, that it's infuriating. Absolutely enrages me.”

Carlson called Trump “a demonic force, a destroyer.” In a text the night of January 6, 2021, Carlson told a Fox News producer that Trump was a “demonic force, a destroyer.”

During this same period, Carlson also privately tried to get a Fox reporter fired for actually debunking Trump’s election claims, which Carlson knew were false. Over the next two and half years, Carlson would continue pushing election lies, along with veiled threats of political violence and lies about January 6.

After Carlson’s texts were publicized, he began an apology to

After Carlson’s private texts criticizing Trump were published, he called in to a right-wing radio show and said, “I love Trump.” During his call into a WABC show, Carlson said: “Oh, let’s see. I spent four years defending his policies and I, I’m going to defend them again tonight. And actually, and I’m pretty straight forward, I’m um I love Trump. Like, as a person, I think Trump is funny and insightful.” [The Hill, 3/21/23]

Carlson reportedly reached out to Trump to resolve the situation and blamed former Trump lawyers. The Washington Post characterized Carlson as saying he’d been “blowing off steam” over his interactions with Trump’s election legal team and other allies. The Post also noted that Trump publicly promoted Carlson’s propaganda special seeking to rewrite the January 6 insurrection. On his Truth Social platform, Trump posted that Carlson “doesn’t hate me, or at least, not anymore!” [NBC News, 3/20/23; The Washington Post, 8/22/23]

Weeks later, Carlson gave Trump a softball interview on Fox News. As Rolling Stone reported, Carlson had “been laying the groundwork for a friendly Trump interview for weeks” by then, and was “launching a counter-offensive in defense of the former president.” During the interview, which Rolling Stone characterized as Trump steamrolling Carlson, the then-Fox host allowed Trump to rant on various topics rather than the ostensible topic of Trump’s first criminal indictment in New York. Carlson also apologized to Trump at one point when the former president complained that Carlson had caused him problems during Trump’s trip to North Korea. [Rolling Stone, 4/11/23]

#right wing extremism #liarsandcheaters #lying liars who lie #media matters

[sweetmastermind]

Im not delulu as wonyoung stan since 2018

Wonyoung's face look same imao for me..she was 14 yo in izone...

I have seen a popular prediction account said wonyoung didnt done ps( 2020 dec tweet)

Do you think makeup or lost weight changed her face?

Wonyoung have always lip like that since izone and her nose bump is the same .

I dont believe jaw lines thing..wndi ce wonyoung have always same chin

When wonyoung wear light makeup in izone,her face look like izone wonyoung .

As someone younger than her,i feel ashame if wonyoung get critized for get prettier with ps when she look same imoa..

I can't believe tiktokers and yt surgeon cause they didn't used great pics for compared...

Below this is 2023 pics with minimalist makeup

Her face is asymecrital like izone wonyoung.

When wonyoung wear black outfits this is 2022 pic and wondis her own makeup here.

This is wonyoung izone in vogue korea january 2021,she look like 2023 wonyoung.

Do you think wonyoung didnt fit heavy makeup ..with ton makeup...?

iz*one pics ,when she get purple,she has gained tons weight many knetizens critized..she lost weight in 2020

Hi, first i would like to say im not against plastic surgery and i hate seeing people targeting idols for getting work done

I understand that you don't see changes (more if they are subtle) there is a pattern that when you constantly see the face of someone, in this case, an idol, you absorb how they look and get used to it

Wonyoung has worked done, deepening her double eyelid, refining her nose, botox (and i HATE that young people use it, i can rant about it), lifting the inner corners of her lips, and filler on the lips and on the face. When she debuted she had baby fat, but now is fillers because you can't maintain those cheeks with the weight she has, if she doesn't put anything, her cheeks would look sunk. I don't think she had any bone shaving like some people say (especially that tiktok doctor that is questionable in a lot of ways) and I hope she doesn't get any major bone surgery, only if it is extremely necessary, a change in her jaw can be with botox on the masseters

Wonyoung was and is still pretty, having work done is not wrong and shaming someone for that is disgusting, especially knowing how the industry works. The issue with procedures is that every single one has a % of things going wrong, and what really concerns me, is how functioning adults let a beautiful child go under the knife/get things done unnecessarily? (and it could apply to any idol out there)

I understand that believing a child can get a beauty enhancement is hard, but is real, it happens more than we like and in the industry, every single idol has at least, one syringe of filler. Beauty standards are brutal because people are not kind when it comes to unnecessary commenting about how you look, lying and telling the truth can be super difficult too

I understand Wonyoung, i find it sad that she felt the necessity to change something so young but i can't do anything about it and i would love to break some opinions to the people that give "suggestions" to idols

#kpop asks

[slowpoke272]

“the stand” by stephen king

finished: january 2, 2023

oof where to begin. WHERE TO BEGIN

this is my third stephen king novel, i read “IT” in 2019 and read “’salem’s lot” in 2020. i really like stephen king and while i completely understand the desire to bring his stories to the big screen (and many of them are movies/shows worth seeing, too) i think his stories flourish as written word. just makes it so much more thrilling and without any limitations of visuals. stephen king knows our minds are our greatest thrill and he uses that to his advantage.

“the stand” i had heard was the one that was “just like 2020″ because of a deadly virus. it had been described to me like this on an individual and global standpoint: it’s marketed as an apocalyptic novel. and it’s very, very lengthy.

just in case, spoilers ahead?

so we do start off with big scary virus, only unlike the real 2020 pandemic, this one is totally manmade and comes with hefty criticism of the military as they are the ones handling this whole “project.” everything is maintained in labs and all is well until it isn’t, all it takes it one slip up one time from one guard and BAM, end of the world. pretty poetic huh. even though how it happens is way different, to me the most relatable thing is that it’s so believable that something so destructive would be hanging by a thread and upon it being unleashed, humanity has zero preparation to stop it and very little of the population even knows it exists as a threat.

shit hits the fan and we see the trickle effect quickly in action across the county, state, and country. there is an absolute explosion of characters and you can tell king is gonna save some of these characters but definitely a lot of people will be dying. even though you know their demise is coming, it’s still a bit terrifying how some of them come to pass.

frannie right away is our darling heroine, pregnant and without her mother’s love or blessing, we’re drawn to her right away. nick andros was my favorite character immediately, there was just something so charming about him, and he was already so resilient by the time the plague happened. nick and tom cullen’s relationship had to be my favorite bond of the whole novel, the impossibility of their communication is thrillingly tragic but we’re still able to have hallmark moments between the two of them.

i didn’t know what to think of stu for the longest time, for some reason i thought he might end up being like a harold, i guess solely on stu’s east texas context and what he was doing when the accident happened. just didn’t see him being any kind of hero but simply getting by. just like in real life, our first impressions can be very misguided. larry underwood became a fun surprise with his character arc, in fact i think more than anyone else, larry was completely redeemed. really didn’t care much about him at all after rita died, but when he came in contact with nadine and leo, it showed that he was grateful for a clean slate and ready to change. he was a totally different person after that and i slowly came to like him.

harold. you meet him and are disgusted, like frannie you can easily go with ignoring his existence entirely. then you find out a little bit more about him, how he was trying to be thoughtful to frannie, and how he stuck by her to get her out of town... started liking the guy and sympathizing with him. then stu comes along and harold’s jealousy takes center stage in his character arc and it never leaves. it’s like, okay, i get it to an extent, you have a “special” connection with fran because you knew her before the world ended, but once it’s clear the other person doesn’t feel the same way... let it go, man. even if you’re the only two people left on earth, it doesn’t give you any entitlement to anyone or mean that your connection is infinite.

by the time to get to mother abigail’s, the story has already taken on a form i didn’t expect to see coming. this is my third king novel so i felt like, duh, of course there’s gonna be some magical realism going on and of course there are going to be unforeseen twists. king does a great job of creating his universe, one that is just close enough to ours to be relatable, but one he can play in and set the rules for and we’re still just as hooked. the point isn’t whether or not you believe in magic, the point is what the characters are doing with the magic and the likelihood that people would behave this way, and 100% of the time i agree with king regarding predictable human behavior.

this novel is mostly about good vs. evil and humanity’s struggle to keep itself thriving with community without imploding in on itself. the fact that all these characters even survived is a miracle, that they were able to find each other despite no electricity or power is beyond a miracle, but even with all that good fortune on their side, humans have a way of ruining it. you would think collaboration and community would make us stronger, and it does, but king postulates that once a community becomes large enough, it’s only a matter of time before you have a harold, a trashcan man, or worse: a randall flagg.

there are some really graphic moments, including various illnesses and injuries that happen throughout the boulder and vegas communities, a sexual assault, but the most horrifying scene to me was lloyd henreid in the jail. “camptown races.” i really felt his hopelessness, and despite him being an absolutely shitbag previously by killing people, i still thought lloyd’s punishment was way too big for his crimes. i don’t think anyone deserves that. and to have him rescued by randall flagg, a hopeless situation becomes more hopeless in a way because lloyd was very much still imprisoned with flagg.

this novel was so magical to me, hitting all the right elements of “humanity is this dumb and would totally do this.” the ending is superb and not worth spoiling even behind a tag. just go read it. definitely will want to read it again someday, especially knowing which characters survive the longest, i’ll want to pay extra attention to the clues we’re given about their fates early on.

i thought “IT” would remain my favorite king novel, being my first and the one that pulled me in to his writing at all... but i don’t know, “the stand” is so good and has so many layers and while there’s a villain, we learn so much about humanity on the way and our role allowing a villain in. “IT” is my favorite coming of age novel, without a doubt, and i love the way it tackles fear for fear’s sake, but i think “the stand” is a story anyone could enjoy without being too freaked out with fear. i don’t know, it’s hard to pick one over the other when i just adore both so much, but days later i’m really still thinking about “the stand” and the characters and everything that happened.

i read about the two adaptations, one in the 90s and one from 2020, the one in the 90s seems to have the right thing going for it to pay respects to the original story, but the changes i read that the 2020 adaptation made are hard for me to push aside. it’s just not the same story anymore and i think the original story in its original format is best. i do like a lot of 2020′s casting, but that’s about it. i don’t feel obligated to see either one, but i will definitely re-read “the stand” again someday.

rip nicky. you were the best. glen, you were also great. kojak, good boy.

rating: 10/10 this deeply resonated with me, i will re-read it again numerous times and recommend it to anyone i know, the story and characters will stick with me forever; crave discussing it all the time and bring it up unprovoked

#the stand #stephen king

[vicmeep]

I hate that so many people just seem to trivialize others pain. I hate that even close friends seem to do the same exact thing. Trivialize but sugarcoat it to try to not offend you, silently judge you and doing the exact same thing. Sugarcoating.

When Andrew saw the one screenshot from Ferzu where I was beyond furious, because I was left talking to myself for weeks on Skype after she promised she was coming back AGAIN. To only be greeted with all of those disgusting sexual posts, the one where she said that back then she wanted to get married while I was right fucking here the entire time.

Only to vomit after the fact, including after i became so angry and wanted to make her see what she did and not erase me like I never existed. Like you never said you wholeheartedly believed I was your soulmate the same day you lied about coming back. Like you didn't make all those promises or say all those sweet things to me too. About that one fucking song I can't even listen to anymore, Modern Leper.

When I showed him he said, "at least you can close the book on her now."

"I resent people too. But you also have to let them go."

When I told him when I lied about the gun so I could get her to stop threatening me whenever she was going to the kitchen to get a knife.

"That's bad."

When I told him other things. When I was so desperate. I refuse to say this part here. Just...ways I could get the evidence since she blocked me on Discord and I couldn't reopen the dm by that point.

He responded with "You just want closure."

So much fucking judgement. Sugarcoating while he's judging me for everything I did then, and what I did years before then.

Judgement hidden under niceties. Which makes me feel like a hypocrite because of that crippling fear of mine that would haunt me day and night with Alice. That I was judging her but sugarcoating it.

Whenever I was by myself I would be frustrated and angry at her because of when she would yell at me and accuse me of calling her things I never called her. I never called her any sort of name until *after* the relationship. After what she did. After when she lied and blamed me.

Back in 2020 in my head when I was frustrated I just went "You know what yes!" Confirming to myself that I believed that...she was a slut.

I never called her anything of the sort. Not until after the relationship. But even then it doesn't feel different if it were in my head. Including something I told her once, that makes me feel shame. In 2020, I told her about this...eh...romance story I made when I was 12 (ffs). And compared her and me to the characters in it.

I'm genuinely going to hit myself after typing this part.

The story had to do with a prostitute character and this OC I made who seriously resembles a lot of other recent characters I made. The story from what I remember was inspired by Tyler Perry films.

Ow.

I'm sorry Alice. I hate that whenever I say in sorry I feel reluctant. I'm sorry...

Something once again happened on Twitch when we were playing saints row 2 together.

When I asked him "What do you think I did in January."

"You were drawing."

I said something along the lines of "Other than that..."

"You are a good person."

"Please don't say that again."

Judging me for what I was doing. That I did when I was 16. Part of me felt reluctant saying that and I want to hurt myself for it.

I know he always meant well. Honest. But even back then when I was a teenager, when I felt so helpless and hopeless especially when some of those experiences happened, that he did the same as above.

He just seemed so nonchalant, and acted as if I was okay after the fact even though I wasn't. I just shoved everything down and repressed so many things until last year.

So many times this year I have imagined the things he would say to me, while I'm the aggressor like usual. Where I'm mean for no reason like I was when I was a teen.

"I wish you never met her."

"I just didn't want you to get into trouble. She's not worth it."

"Who the hell is going to take my seriously? A trans guy who had an online girlfriend who was supposedly abusive? I'm a fucking laughing stock. No one would believe me.

"I believe you. We all do."

"Okay, you wanna know how much I know she wasn't good for you? She would constantly force her political opinions on you."

"No she didn't..."

"Yes she fucking did. She also would yell at other people for whatever petty reason, she would constantly talk about sex-"

The other part I can't put into a proper sentence of a screenshot he showed me last year when I was at peace for a bit. I can't remember in detail for some reason.

About her saying something about some people not working a day in their life and sounding really hostile...

I know he means well. He always did. That's why I beat myself up so much.

Am I wrong for wanting to show everyone for what she did? Am I wrong for feeling helpless that someone who put me through that is seemingly happy despite what they put me through? Despite the pain they left me in? Just like those past fucking bullies when I was a teenager?

I know if any of her friends saw this they would say yes. That it is wrong. And that I should've just gotten over it while the person who did it takes no accountability whatsoever.

While I'm still hurting to this day, and all of these painful memories are in my head daily.

I have hurt myself so many times since 2018 about things I did when I was 16 and even younger than that, including towards him. That makes me feel abusive for even feeling any sort of resentment towards him despite everything he has done since I met him.

That I was the one being judged. Despite what she did. Despite the months of suicide threats, her berating me and blaming me no matter what, and whenever I would try to open up about my pain, about what bothered me, I would get the same treatment. Leaving out all the details whenever she talked about me months after, to make me solely seem like the one to blame.

To only be lied to. Only to be used once she got on the path of "healing" from her trauma after the months of misery and pain you put me through. Once I wasn't good enough for her anymore, she threw me away. Despite her message on Skype, I don't think she felt guilty. Not at all. She didn't mean a damn thing she said back then. Despite me vomiting, barely being able to eat, feeling confused, betrayed, and in pain despite everything you told me.

I wouldn't blame anyone else if someone else did it. Not at all. Especially if their partner did all of the above to them.

I wanted to add onto those other reblogs but I didn't want to keep reblogging it and just say it here. The harassment wasn't... intentional at first. That's why so many times I said I was talking to myself for weeks on Skype, waiting for a response. Because I thought she was coming back.

That's how she responded the first time. Because I found her email.

Then it kept happening after that because I thought she would've responded faster. I also thought...the break she lied about, wasn't a 100% lie and that's why she wasn't responding. Because I didn't see her active. On anything. At least not on Discord since she...blocked me on that dm I can't reopen for the evidence. I was holding out hope and thinking everything she told me wasn't a lie.

Until I got fed up one day. After I told her the story about what happened to me when I was 14. That's when I got fed up, felt a pit fall into my stomach and checked Ferzu. Then that's when I saw everything. That's when everything else happened. That's when the harassment was 100% intentional.

On Skype after that I said something like "Also harassing? Seriously? You said you were coming back."

That makes me want to hurt myself.

I know the way I described it could've been described as miscommunication but i just take it as me being a monster as fucking usual.

So many people, that one person on Reddit last year who immediately told me to move on, and then Andrew when I posted the SUI letter.

"You will absolutely not fucking do that. Someday you'll make someone very happy-" I forgot the rest of what he said but I know it was something nice.

This is what I mean...

I know he and others mean well, but it doesn't seem like they acknowledge the immense pain I feel.

Why does everyone assume that I'll just...move on? So easily?

Why does everyone assume that it's this trivial matter when it doesn't feel like it? Why would anyone say these things in relationships if they don't mean them? If you don't mean the things you say in relationships then don't fucking say it then and lead the other person on.

When I told her I believed her to be my soulmate, I meant it. Compared to her. And not even "believe", that she *was* my real, actual soulmate. Not something I was... tricking myself into believing.

Despite my positive emotions being numb for the most part, I still felt it. That's why I hurt as much as I did as the months went on. with those constant nightmares and her doing all those things to me weren't helping. That's why I told her about the ring that...I think she was already talking to her when I told her about it. In November of 2020.

I wanted her to know how much I loved her despite me feeling like such a monster. Which she saw that side of me anyway after the fact.

Despite how much pain I was in, I thought I was being selfless...I even said this to her. The same day she lied.

I just wanted her to tell me that she wasn't capable. That's it. That's what scared me about myself, about her, about everyone. Capable of horrible, horrendous acts and somehow being happy despite the pain you caused others.

So I could stop having those explicit nightmares of the story she told me, that made me so physically sick night and day. So I could stop feeling that horrible pain that genuinely felt as if someone was stabbing me.

Yet that fear, those months of pain, ended up happening anyway.

I made so many of these posts. I know I said for almost a year now that I was trying to be healthier, physically. So I could get on camera to make that re-made video about her. Before I...attempt.

It's so close. It doesn't feel like I have lost any weight despite my efforts. Despite how much healthier I've been for the most part. Eating so many vegetables I actually enjoy, getting enough protein, trying to excercise. Yet it doesn't feel like it has been enough...I don't want to go on camera looking the way I do.

Even with everything I've said. It's still isn't everything. There's still more.

All my efforts. With all of these memories in my head, outside of Alice. The shame episodes I have had for very dumb trivial things to things I felt immense guilt for, that I have literally beat myself for. The black eyes and bruises. All of it.

Almost. Every. Single. Thing. In those recordings. Imagine those recordings, but almost every day this year. With everything I've said above.

#idk what to do

[strapskinkstories]

A long list of reasons to be in a bad mood today. Mostly censorbots & heatwaves, at least I got some work done on Minecraft

Facebook and Twitter have got to be the outright most corrupt companies in the world run by hackjob right wing trolls.

Mark Zuckerberg and Jack Dorsey are both republican ass kissers. Worse yet the hackjob Elon Musk who is trying to take over Twitter actively kissed Trumps ass to get preferential treatment from the government.

What does that mean? That means algorithms and censorbots that are biased against democrat personalities and are far more lenient with RWNJs celebrities and worse yet politicians. 

Politicians don’t need to be protected from WORDS ON A SCREEN. They need to be protected from real bullets and real threats, like the people who marched into the capitol on January 6 2020 with assault rifles in hand.

Instead, people like me get banned for calling white trash white trash. Lauren Boebert is exactly what I said she is, white trash. 

https://coloradonewsline.com/2022/06/02/lauren-boebert-american-menace/

This is the second time I’ve been banned by Twitter for calling her white trash, and it won’t be the last, because just like I did last time, and the time before, I waited some time made a new identity up and jumped right back on.

You can’t silence the truth forever. Lauren Boebert IS WHITE TRASH. Twitter, you and your censorbots might be able to temporarily shut me up, but you’ll never permanently shut me down because everyone banwalks in this day and age. I don’t know a single political Twitter user whos raged against the republican machine and hasn’t gotten banned for it. Most of “The Resistance” has had to use multiple accounts to get past their censorbots.

It doesn’t help that Facebook is run by incompetent five year old coders who make censorbots worse than nannies. 

Called out for violent conduct, over mentioning a The Simpsons movie line “Stab one more eye and it’s a federal offense” and then called out for violent conduct over a vaccine joke with a friend who laughed at both items. Facebook seems to have no sense of humor nor do they have humans reading anything. It’s all run by worthless algorithms. And apparently, algorithms that support Vladimir Putin too. Totally unironic because both Twitter and Facebook have been caught red handed in the 2016 election hack.

The internet has been overautomated to a point its literally killing people. I kid you not that people have been driven to the edge of and even worse to suicide because of the rampant censorship and abusive algorithms.

https://www.nbcnews.com/tech/social-media/meta-lawsuit-instagram-caused-eating-disorder-self-harm-rcna32221 this is just one recent case of many cases 

https://www.businessinsider.com/facebook-snap-lawsuit-teen-suicide-social-media-addiction-2022-4 this is another case, in which someone actually died. 

I refuse to let any of these apps have that kind of an impact upon me, but you can damn well bet I will continue to fight them. I will make new identities if need be. It doesn’t take much skill to create a new name, grab a burner phone from Walmart, set up a new email account and bam, you got yourself a brand new internet identity to use on every single website.

That said, while I refuse to go to the point of suicide. I can definitely say, this is a real downwards dragging force on me.

Full picture below for more context.

This was posted by a friend of mine who works in retail. My response, I was PISSED OFF to say the least.

I would never wear a form fitting piece of fetish clothing into a retail store showing my genital outlines with great and disgusting clarity.

I’ve shown up in harnesses and restraint cuffs, but these are bulky items that are added on top of non revealing clothing. Items that when I presented myself to a shopkeeper they just chuckled and wondered to my partner who had me on a lead “Is he, uh, mentally disabled if thats the polite way of saying it?” and I just laugh right back and say “Naw, its fun being in a harness and in restraints on a lead sometimes, relaxing actually.” That time a shopkeeper learned about my autism and my kinks all in a midnight trip to Walmart, and respected me for my decision to enjoy my restraints and harness in public.

But what these men did? They posed as IRS agents and demanded the credit card number of my friend.  As shown below.

That comment right there, set me off BIG TIME. So I left a response, and it apparently pissed off Facebook. So badly that they decided to lock my account out for another 60 days and a 3 day total lockout. 

I frankly find the above comment a joke to warrant a total account lockout let alone any action whatsoever as the violence implied is theoretical. Nevermind the fact it’s impossible in that particular store as those stores nationwide don’t have gun counters (Unlike Walmart in the south, which does) 

Instead, Facebook would rather stand behind IRS impersonators rather than let someone vent their frustration with CRIMINALS infiltrating a retail store with their faces obscured and harassing an employee to the point they had to air their grievance publicly online. NO RETAIL WORKER SHOULD EVER BE PUSHED TO THIS POINT! I am disgusted at these men, I am disgusted that they posed for a picture in such a way that makes them look hipster / gangsta. I am disgusted on so many levels... Particularly the fact that they had the nerve to reveal their genitals in body conforming face obscuring clothing and then defraud the IRS.

People like this dumb bitch get thousands of likes and retweets on FAKE NEWS. I mean legit, FAKE NEWS. The stock market doesn’t care what political party is in office. It either goes up or down based on CORPORATE ACTIVITY and INVESTOR SENTIMENT. It has nothing to do with politics that the stock exchange started crashing mid last year, it has everything to do with wage stagnation, uncontrolled inflation being controlled by bad mechanisms read:interest rate hikes and bad politicians being in the mix causing investor sentiment to go in the toilet. Investors are risk shy. When election season comes around, investors switch to a risk off method. They dump money into low risk assets. Even worse so investors often are not ESG investors, especially on the private side. Even in the major ESG players side, a lot of them have side pools of money that they funnel into dirty stocks like Exxon. Exxon just pushed a record quarter, hit an all time high, and then bounced off the ceiling as investors saw the warning bells flashing as the alarms deepened and the market began to enter bearish territories. Now in a full on bear market cryptos are worth about 30% of what they were in Q1 of 2021 

The stock market and crypto markets surged as trump left the white house and rode on a Biden high for almost a year and a half before coming crashing down as Trumps economic failures became more apparent. It’s like small tiny cracks in the hull of a ship, slowly letting water in until BLAM, CRASH, BOOM, the hull breaks wide open and water comes gushing into the boat sinking it. So having absolute white garbage fools like this bitch running their mouths doesn’t help REAL INVESTORS who know a damn thing. High as shit interest rates help nobody, they don’t help people refinancing (Ever refinanced at 10%? Of course not, only an idiot would have a mortgage with that high of a rate) they don’t help people move into new houses, they create a perfect storm environment for homelessness and violence to thrive.

Extreme heatwaves, do not help people psychologically. They destabilize people. They are perfect catalysts for more violence, people can easier find guns hidden in the alleys and then go shoot people up with them. It’s not good when people cry out “climate change is a myth, climate change is fake news, the earth is flat.” in the year 2022 when in 1930 the Senate received a warning that global warming could eventually tumble out of control. In 1970 that warning turned into a full on fire alarm. https://history.aip.org/climate/timeline.htm

Alas not all is bad news... sort of... 

It’s been way too hot to do anything kinky with gear so I’ve been heavily working on my Advocate Lutheran General Hospital Virtual Hospital build in Minecraft with my friend Amanda. https://www.flickr.com/photos/alinslive/albums/72177720299761942 the photos are here. And what’s that blue bar up there? YUP It’s a goddamn censorbot claiming that my damn tweet ABOUT A HOSPITAL FUNDRAISER is ‘sensitive content’

So I complained, I decided I’d whip out one of my favorite TV scenes. Family Guy “HTTPete” scene “Electric Urinal” 

And what happens when I decide to whip out electric urinal? another damn censorbot hit! 

This is legit what I sent into Twitter after the final censor hit. I’m fucking sick of these damn nannybots coded by five year olds who cant seem to wrap their head around humor or theoretics.

With that I rest my fucking case. At least I know here on Tumblr I can run my mouth without worrying about censorbots hitting my blog. Because Tumblr doesn’t use censorbots on text, they only censor images if they think they are excessive nudity. And even that still isn’t a total censor, it simply puts the images behind a sensitive content interstitial clickthrough.

Of all the platforms Tumblr has the freest speech of all my experiences. Hate to say it but if I need to push a political rant you’ll likely see it here on my blog. It won’t be often though because you can damn well bet I’ll be back to harassing Lauren BOOBert. She harasses and damages people and personally attacks them. I have a right to shoot back if she’s going to shoot at me.

I’m going to bed. I better not wake up to my Tumblr having a warning on it or anything and I doubt it will as what I am doing here is DOCUMENTARY in scope and is intended to warn people that if you’re gonna talk about politics or anything online especially on Facebook or Twitter, you may as well act like you’re sat at the altar of a Catholic church and best act like a good little cherub or you’ll get censored because these two platforms especially are censorship havens.

Google is also a censorship haven but y’all have already heard my rant on those goons.

Goodnight, and fuck you Twitter and Facebook.

To all of my friends who actually read to the end of this post, seriously, if you’re reading this far down this gigantic deposition so to speak, thanks. Thanks for sticking with my giant rant and actually reading it. It means something if you mash the like button here. It means something to me when I see people respond and like these posts. I know someone is listening and I know someone cares. Because these corporate censorship happy fuckfaces sure don’t

#general blog #today sucks #heatwave 2022 #climate change #climate chaos #climate emergency #stop censorship #censorship is for losers #delete censorship #end censorbots #stop internet automation #overautomation kills #facebook is murder #instagram is suicide #facebook is suicide #facebook is evil #twitter is evil #twitter is insane