I'm touch starved, and now I'm thinking about Tim.
He spent all his childhood being terrified by a faceless creature and then locked in his hospital room by doctors. He was a kid who needed to be listened and believe to, but only got drugged up and locked in a damn room.
Then in college he met Brian.
Brian isn't seen much on screen, but all his actions in the serie, and the comic book special "Issue 3.5 - ToTheArk" speak volume: he loves his friends and he loves deeply.
Do you think Tim melted the first time Brian hugged him?
Do you think he realized how touch starved he really was? How burning his skin seemed to be, and how much relief Brian's hug was giving him?
Do you think Tim felt ashamed of that? Do you think he thought of himself as too clingy, or too needy? Do you think about all the times he probably cried alone in his bed, because he was loved for the first time ever but didn't dare to go ask Brian for even an half hug? Just an half hug, a quick one, he could've been happy with some pats on the shoulder, even when he really needed the grounding weight of someone lying on top of him.
Do you think he ever got embarrassed about those thoughts? About those needs?
Do you think Brian managed to make Tim spill the beans? And if so- do you think Brian started to just lay on his best friend whenever Tim got too fidgety, or too anxious?
Do you think Brian learned how to ground Tim with physical touch to help him after an episode, or after a seizure?
When Brian disappeared, do you think Tim got to force himself to ignore his touch starvation like he used to before Brian? Do you think he cried and shook, his skin on fire, his breath irregular, his mind racing?
When he finally understood the truth about The Operator being something real, Tim surely got scared of infecting everyone else.
Do you think he forced himself to keep quiet?
Do you think Hoodie ever tried to hug Masky, to calm him through a gentle touch, only to be smacked away? Do you think the negative emotions and the anger Masky felt were somehow sad too?
When Tim got closer to Jay, do you think he ever got the temptation to hug him?
And Jay, our young man who just wanted to help, got turned into an angry individual, maybe a little lost, and surely scared, but also so courageous or simply too far gone to stop. Do you think he ever wanted the comfort of a friendly hug?
Do you think Tim wished he could hold Jay close and relaxed, before losing him? Do you think Tim felt something familiar while looking for his own things in the pockets of a still Hoodie? When Alex showed him Brian's corpse, do you think Tim wanted to just crawl over there and take his best friend between his arms, squeezing him in a comforting way?
Do you think Tim hallucinated those college night, with those familiar arms wrapped around him?
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Edit: I wrote something about it, click here!
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Danny. Jam, now!!!!
'' I could stare at your back all day
I could stare at your back all day
And I know I've kissed you before but
I didn't do it right
Can I try again, try again, try again? ,,
-- PINK IN THE NIGHT , MITSKI
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Do you think Jay got his fear of being without a camera recording him after losing 7 month of memories?
He didn't post any entry during that time, his previous camera got broken, he didn't know where the chest mounted camera came from.
He didn't remember anything at all, and how terrifying was that?
Was he paralysed by fear, when he woke up in that hoter room?
Did he mourn all those missing months, alongside all the things he had started to forget?
Do you think he cried for his mom? For his family? Do you think he was too scared to call them? Do you think he had living family members he was scared to call, not wanting to pull them in that mess? Do you think he was scared of forgetting passed relatives?
Do you think he was tired of forgetting? Tired of having to keep himself together in fear of losing pieces?
When Tim took away his camera, after using the zip ties to keep him still, do you think Jay got scared of forgetting again? Do you think he resented Tim, who only wanted to protect him?
Do you think he felt gratitude towards Hoodie, when he left him a knife to free himself and a camera recording him?
Do you think Hoodie could relate to Jay's fear, and didn't want him to be so scared?
And in his final moments, do you think Jay was grateful to still be recorded? Do you think he wanted to be remembered even as a dead body?
Or do you think he thought he didn't want his mom to find out like that, to see her baby boy dead and gone in such a tragic and unfair way?
I think about these things a lot, in these days, my memory failing me constantly...
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