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flysafepapi · 2 years

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the sin factor 12/?

masterlist

Warnings: Implied/referenced abuse, mild self-hatred, self-deprecation, just general all around angst.

Summary: It’s in the eyes, too, the same ambition and clawing desperation to be more, get more, hidden behind a carefully blank stare. He also knows that Duke has something Tommy never had although it’s more likely that it’s the other way around, because Tommy has lines that he won’t cross for reasons that are his own. Duke has no such reservations.

tagging: @zablife @the-makingsofgreatness @peakyrogers @hb-writes @caelys (let me know if you want to be added on or taken off)

Breakfast is just as awkward as he knew it would be. Aside from a few muttered greetings and asking each other to pass the salt and the butter, it’s quiet. He keeps his eyes on the worn wooden table. Too afraid to look up and see the silent conversation he knows is happening above his head, to see the disapproval there. He’s never let himself want anything before, but he wants to be part of this family. He knew it would’ve only been a matter of time before he fucked it up somehow, he always did. Maybe it was for the best that he got it out of the way as soon as possible.

“Got any plans for the day, boys?”

“I’ve got to go into the office, catch up on paperwork.”

“What about you?”

He looks up, but takes care to avoid the eyes of either of them. “I don’t have much planned.”

“Feel like giving me a hand? I’ve got a few things to move up to the attic, and my joints ain’t like they used to be.”

“Uh, sure,” Duke says, glancing at Isiah for a second. It’s the last place he wants to be, really, especially without Isiah around to smooth things over when Duke says something else to ruin the day, but he’s trying. He might not want to be here alone with his boyfriend’s father, but he wants to be the kind of person Jeremiah could look at and think ‘He’s a good one.’ He’s trying. No one has ever been worth the trouble, before. “I can do that.”

“Great. Don't worry, it’s only a couple of boxes, nothing too heavy.”

“Ah, so that’s why you wanted us to come to dinner. The truth comes out now, my father’s using us for free labour.”

He listens to their voices fading away as they leave the room, bickering fondly as they go, but he stays sitting at the table and looks around the kitchen instead. It’s tidy, if not clean, well-used is probably the best way to describe it. It’s the sort of place he can imagine Isiah sitting in, watching his mother cooking, sneaking little bits of food while she’s pretending she doesn’t notice. Worlds away from the fire he’d learnt to cook over, with food so hot it burns your fingertips because they hadn’t had forks, or plates, or a kitchen, really. He barely had a bed, most nights, and even now sleeping on a mattress feels wrong. He’s grown too used to sleeping on the ground, with just his arms to cushion his head from the dirt and the rocks. This house, far from fancy, is still too good for him to be in, and every second that passes feels like he’s leaving some sort of irremovable mark on it, like there’ll be a stain here long after he’s gone.

“Feeling alright?”

Duke jumps a little, snapping out of his thoughts.

“Fine. Just tired.”

“There’s coffee, if you want to make some.”

“I’m fine, thank you.”

The concerned look is why he doesn’t want to be alone with Jeremiah. Who knows what he thinks, seeing Duke sitting at his kitchen table, holding onto a mug of tea like it’s a lifeline. He’s afraid to ask, so he bites his tongue.

“Where are these boxes? Best to get it out of the way, no use putting it off.”

“Sit down.”

Halfway out of his seat, Duke freezes, and slowly sits back down. While the voice isn’t familiar, not yet, the tone is, and he curls his fingers around the arm of the chair and waits for the words he knows are going to come. That tone is always immediately followed by how he’s not good enough, or should stay away. A few memorable times, it had been followed by “You’re the son of a whore, ain’t you? This shouldn’t be too new to you, then.” The ones who had said it are dead now, but the words still echo in his head from time to time, always coupled with the phantom feeling of fingers on his shoulders and red-hot pain down his back. They’d left souvenirs, in their own way.

“I’ve heard stories about you.”

“I know.” It would’ve been a miracle if none of the rumours had made it back to Jeremiah. Finn hasn’t been quiet in his accusations that it was him that killed Mary. He’s right, of course, Duke did do it, but there’s no proof. It doesn’t stop people from listening, and avoiding him on the streets.

“And you still showed up?”

“Yes. It was important to Isiah.”

“He means a lot to you.”

After a moment of hesitation, Duke nods. “Yes, sir.”

“You’re the first one he’s ever brought home. There have been others, I’m sure you know that, enough that I’ve lost count over the years. Why do you think you’re the only one?”

“I don’t know,” Duke says, looking down at his hands, “I wonder that myself, every day.”

“Why?”

He could leave. There’s nothing keeping him here, he doubts Jeremiah would try and stop him. Still, he doesn’t. This is the first time he’s ever cared enough about anyone to meet their parents, so it appears they’re in the same boat. There’s been other people, less and less as he grew older and realised that none of them would hold his interest for more than a night or two, and none of them have been important enough to him that he’s trying to impress their parents, and taking care of them when they’re sick, and staying awake at night thinking about what their future might look like. He’d never admit that to anyone, even if the alternative is death.

“I know where I come from. I might be Tommy Shelby’s son now, but I was no one before that. I was only ten when my mum died. No one else was around to look after me, so I had to look after myself. The first time I ever killed anybody was the doctor who refused to treat her, because she was Romani, but there’s been dozens since then. You’d be surprised about what people do, when they see a young boy alone.”

Jeremiah just looks at him, and he almost manages to keep his face blank, but there’s a small crease in between his eyebrows, like he’d been expecting to hear something simple, not all of this.

“I still remember all of them, and I remember every single one of their faces. Once she died, there was no one left to care about what happened to me, and I did things for a place to sleep and something to eat that I’ll never tell another living soul about. Things that’ll follow me for the rest of my life. Sometimes I had to go days without either of them. That’s where I come from. No amount of money from a family I never knew I had will change that, and all the money in the world won’t make me a better person. I don’t know why I’m the only one, but I know that I shouldn’t be.”

The silence that fills the room after he’s finished talking feels like a tangible thing, like it’s heavy enough to trap the air in his lungs and keep him from taking a full breath.

“It’s all a charade, it’s just a fucking act, and one day he should come to his senses and realise there’s better people out there to choose from that aren’t anything like me.”

“He won’t.”

“I know. But he should.”

He almost asks about the boxes again, starts to say the words, but they get caught in his throat when he looks down at the table.

“Can I talk now?”

“Yes. Sorry.”

“Louise, god rest her soul, she was a good woman. Much better than me. I still don’t know what it is she saw in me, but I thank god every day she saw it, because she made me the happiest I’ve ever been. Since her passing, I thought about finding someone else, to feel a little less lonely, but I couldn’t. It felt wrong, like I was disrespecting her memory. I tried to break it off with her, more than once, before we were married. Every time, she’d tell me that I don’t get to make her decisions for her, and if being with me was going to make life harder, well then she didn’t want an easy life anyway. Isiah takes after her more than he thinks he does.”

“You think I should just let him keep fooling himself?”

“I think you should trust him to know what he’s doing, and let him make his own choices about it. It might be the best decision you ever made.”

It takes all of his effort to cup his hands around the small object Jeremiah gently drops into his palms, as if his fingers are frozen. He shakes his head and tries to give it back, but the older man pretends he doesn’t see it and stands up from the table, clapping on the shoulder lightly, as if Duke might shatter into pieces if the touch is any heavier.

“Keep it. For when you’re ready.”

He doesn’t have to ask to know it’s Isiah’s mother’s ring, sitting in the middle of his palm, glinting dully in the light.

#peaky blinders #the sin factor #oh boy okay we're getting into the more emotional side of things #i have a whole backstory planned for duke and we're slowly learning more and more about it #not a lot of it is going to be good #i set his age to ten when his mum died because i can't remember if he ever actually says how old he was on the show #so im just winging that part #i flipflopped between jeremiah being just absolutely against it because religious and being quietly supportive regardless of that #eventually went with the second option #isiah's happy so he's happy with it #sort of #there's a lot of unresolved trauma for the man his son just brought home #rip hope that gets worked out at some point (probably not though)#peaky blinders fics #duke shelby #isiah jesus #jeremiah jesus

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denimbex1986 · 4 months

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'Writer and poet Benjamin Zephaniah has died aged 65, after being diagnosed with a brain tumour eight weeks ago.

A statement posted on his Instagram account confirmed he died in the early hours of Thursday.

The statement said Zephaniah's wife "was with him throughout and was by his side when he passed".

"We shared him with the world and we know many will be shocked and saddened by this news," it added.

Zephaniah was born and raised in Handsworth, Birmingham, the son of a Barbadian postman and a Jamaican nurse. He was dyslexic and left school aged 13, unable to read or write.

He moved to London aged 22 and published his first book, Pen Rhythm.

His early work used dub poetry, a Jamaican style of work that has evolved into the music genre of the same name, and he would also perform with the group The Benjamin Zephaniah Band.

As Zephaniah's profile grew, he became a familiar face on television and was credited with bringing Dub Poetry into British living rooms.

He also wrote five novels as well as poetry for children, and his first book for younger readers, Talking Turkeys, was a huge success upon its publication in 1994.

On top of his writing work, Zephaniah was an actor and appeared in the BBC drama series Peaky Blinders between 2013 and 2022.

He played Jeremiah "Jimmy" Jesus, appearing in 14 episodes across the six series.

Zephaniah famously rejected an OBE in 2003 due to the association of such an honour with the British Empire and its history of slavery.

"I've been fighting against empire all my life, fighting against slavery and colonialism all my life," he told The Big Narstie Show in 2020.

"I've been writing to connect with people, not to impress governments and monarchy. So I could I then accept an honour that puts the word Empire on to my name? That would be hypocritical.

He often spoke out about issues such as racial abuse and education.

When he was younger, Zephaniah served a prison sentence for burglary and received a criminal record.

In 1982, Zephaniah released an album called Rasta, which featured the Wailers' first recording since the death of Bob Marley.

It also included a tribute to the then-political prisoner Nelson Mandela, who would later become South African president.

In an interview in 2005, Zephaniah said growing up in a violent household led to him assuming that was the norm.

He recalled: "I once asked a friend of mine, 'What do you do when your dad beats your mum?' And he went: 'He doesn't.'

"I said, 'Ah, you come from one of those, like, feminist houses. So, what do you do when your mum beats your dad?'"

In 2012, he was chosen to guest edit an edition of BBC Radio 4's Today programme.

Zephaniah was nominated for autobiography of the year at the National Book Awards for his work, The Life And Rhymes Of Benjamin Zephaniah, which was also shortlisted for the Costa Book Award in 2018.

During a Covid-19 lockdown, Zephaniah recited one of his poems in a video for the Hay Festival.

"Benjamin was a true pioneer and innovator. He gave the world so much," the statement announcing his death said.

"Through an amazing career including a huge body of poems, literature, music, television and radio, Benjamin leaves us with a joyful and fantastic legacy."

A statement from the Black Writers' guild, which Zephaniah helped establish, said: "Our family of writers is in mourning at the loss of a deeply valued friend and a titan of British literature. Benjamin was a man of integrity and an example of how to live your values."

Others paying tribute included author Michael Rosen, who said: "I'm devastated. I admired him, respected him, learnt from him, loved him. Love and condolences to the family and to all who loved him too."

Actress Adjoa Andoh posted: "We have lost a Titan today. Benjamin Zephaniah. Beautiful Poet, Professor, Advocate for love and humanity in all things. Heartbroken. Rest In Your Power - our brother."

Peaky Blinders actor Cillian Murphy said in a statement: "Benjamin was a truly gifted and beautiful human being.

"A generational poet, writer, musician and activist. A proud Brummie and a Peaky Blinder. I'm so saddened by this news."

Broadcaster Trevor Nelson said: "So sad to hear about the passing of Benjamin Zephaniah. Too young, too soon, he had a lot more to give. He was a unique talent."

Singer-songwriter and musician Billy Bragg added: "Very sorry to hear this news. Benjamin Zephaniah was our radical poet laureate. Rest in power, my friend."

Comedian, actor and writer Lenny Henry said: "I was saddened to learn of the passing of my friend Benjamin Zephaniah. His passion for poetry, his advocacy for education for all was tireless."

Writer Nels Abbey said: "To call this crushing news is a massive understatement. He was far too young, far too brilliant and still had so much to offer. A loss we'll never recover from."

The X/Twitter account for Premier League football club Aston Villa, whom Zephaniah supported said everyone at the club was "deeply saddened" by the news.

"Named as one of Britain's top 50 post-war writers in 2008, Benjamin was a lifelong Aston Villa fan and had served as an ambassador for the AVFCFoundation. Our thoughts are with his family and friends at this time."'

#Benjamin Zephaniah #The Benjamin Zephaniah Band #Peaky Blinders #Cillian Murphy #Adjoa Andoh #Michael Rosen #Black Writers Guild #Hay Festival #The Life And Rhymes Of Benjamin Zephaniah #Jeremiah “Jimmy” Jesus #Rasta #Pen Rhythm #Aston Villa #Nels Abbey #Lenny Henry #Billy Bragg #Trevor Nelson

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