this is NOT based on the movie that I am like 50% sure exists. I have never seen it.
word count: 1.7k
warnings; nonlinear timeline, written weirdly, ice is kind of an asshat, he’s called a douchebag several times, a little repetitive
10 Things I Hate About You
I hate your attitude
You’re obviously the best of the best. If your superiors had any doubt about your skills, you wouldn’t be here. You wouldn’t be at Top Gun. Hell, there were more than a few pilots yearning for your spot in Miramar, and they were good enough. You were just doing it better, cleaner, than the rest of them.
“You’re doing it all wrong,” He says, and you really want to punch him.
“No, this would work.” You say, an eerie smile gracing your face. He can tell you’re seething, but there is no way in hell he’s going to let this go.
He keeps arguing, and then it hits him.
Literally.
He’s got a fist in his face, well, abdomen. You’re grateful you didn’t move to break his nose instead. Ice isn’t a snitch, so you wouldn’t be getting in trouble unless you had decided his stupid face made the best target.
“5 o’clock,” Ice’s voice rings out over the comms.
“Cover me, dammit!” He doesn’t cover you, instead he resorts to laughing at you when Jester inevitably gets the kill. Even Slider knows he made a douchebag move, and Jester is ready to give him hell the second they land.
“I didn’t hear her, sir.”
“Bullshit, Kazansky!”
He still tries to tell people that the crackle of the comms were covering your voice.
I hate your face
Naval aviators were known for their cockiness, their skill set, and their looks. A department that Tom Kazansky is definitely not lacking in. He takes great pride in his looks, among other things.
Maybe you’d be impressed if you didn’t know how much damn time he spent looking in the mirror, and god bless Slider for ranting to you about it.
“Looks like these don’t just happen.” He says, shrugging any attempt of insult off. It’s annoying how nonchalant he is about it.
“I’m no better than the next guy, I gotta work for em’.”
“Share with Slider.” You murmur, and what’s meant to be a jab at Ice, comes off as an insanely derogatory comment directed at Slider. You felt like a piece of shit.
A less honorable mention, though, is how girls flock to him. Literally, he has them just hanging on his every word in bars and it’s insufferable.
They’re all, “Oh Tom,” this and “You’re so cool, Tom.” that. Maybe the more intelligent ones will ask him about his line of work, and he’ll slide the aviators off, deliver an “I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you.”, and end with a wink that would make even the mightiest of gods go beet red.
You don’t get what’s so charming about it.
I hate your hair
He loves his well-thought-out genetics, and you can’t really blame him no matter how hard you try. They’re nice, even you have to admit that at a certain point, but what really takes the cake is his hair.
It’s always perfectly styled- no doubt what he takes so much time staring at himself for.
So many of those girls that cling to him would give an arm and a leg to run their stupid little fingers through it.
You totally, most definitely, wouldn’t like to touch it.
It looks crunchy. Soft. It looks matted. Perfectly combed through.
It looks like he had a little too much to drink and made a bad decision with his hairdresser. That or he went through a bad breakup.
How do you even begin to try and make your grievances take form, to insult him in less-than-kind words when it’s so perfect?
Too perfect, perhaps?
He had to have sold his soul to have such nice hair, you think. Why else would girls drop at the sight of him? Sure, he’s got a nice face.
His hair, however, is the cherry on top.
I hate your sunglasses
Everybody knows only douchebags wear sunglasses inside. That’s why you’re glaring at him from the other side of the bar. He’s entertaining some random girl, who’s pretty, but he’s wearing those damn sunglasses.
You swear he only ever takes them off to glare at you.
Occasionally Maverick is on the receiving end of his scowl. You’re happy to have someone to share the burden with, even if it’s another cocky son of a bitch.
Of course, whenever you’re on base and not being lectured, those damn aviators are resting on his face. He makes a show of throwing them on whilst inside, like a complete and total douchebag. Sometimes, if you’re lucky, they’ll be nestled into his hair, but they’re never truly gone.
It’s like he’s making sunglasses inside a personality trait separate from douchebaggery.
“Sunglasses inside will never be attractive.”
“The girls at the O seem to think they are.” He says, and you know he’s not looking for your approval but you wish he were.
5.I hate your teeth
Lieutenant Tom Iceman Kazansky can typically be seen flashing a smile at anybody willing to look.
And boy were there a lot of people willing to look, begging to see one of those grade A grins. He’s a sucker for a little pleading.
For some strange reason though, those smiles were never directed towards you, and there is no way in hell your pride would permit you asking to see him smile.
Sometimes, he’d threateningly bare his teeth and bite, and that’s the closest you’d ever gotten to a smile.
Whenever you say something stupid, he rolls his eyes instead of laughing. Whenever you compliment him, albeit backhandedly, he ignores it. Whenever you smile at him, he turns around and leaves.
He even smiles at Pete Mitchell, and they’ve had a problem for forever.
You can't stop thinking it’s something wrong with you, but it’s just a stupid smile, a show of affection. It bothers you so much, for what reason? It’s a measly little act of joy.
It harbors affection and joy he clearly did not have for you.
Maybe if those smiles were directed towards you though, in some other world where Ice isn’t a dipshit, you’d hate his stupid teeth a little less.
6. I hate your voice
His tone, when addressing you, was either dripping with sarcasm or hatred. No inbetween.
“Hey sweetheart, make sure not to fly into my jet wash.” Mocking smile in tow, or “You’d have to be stupid to try that.”
What a dick.
Only sometimes did you wish to be responded to with a little bit of respect, or kindness. His arrogant-ass couldn’t even think of you and civility in the same sentence though, much less kindness.
His tone is always razor sharp, and that saying, sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me? A complete lie. Especially when talking to Iceman. His words cut deep. Deeper than any sticks, or stones, could even think of trying to pierce. Petty insults, derogatory compliments, misogynistic comments, you deal with it all.
Somehow, he stays so calm throughout all the insults you throw at him. It’s like he wants you to call him annoying, or a man-whore, or whatever you can think of to try and fail at getting under his skin.
None of the things you try to knock him down with resonate with him. They never get through his thick skull and make him feel bad.
So, you hate it. You hate his voice.
7.I hate your flying
What a stupid thing to hate, but his flying is the baseline of his identity. His flying is who he is, what he is.
If he wasn’t who he is, and he was a little bit more like Slider, or Hollywood, or anyone else, you wouldn’t hate him.
So yeah, you hate his flying. It makes him think he’s better than everyone. He makes all the rules, and he’s an insufferable wingman to have. He’s always “Break right.” or “I have the shot, move.” and he does not have the shot, but you want to trust him.
He lets you down time and time again, and it’s his stupid, stupid flying that ruins everything.
Of course he can never let you get a shot. You get close to Jester? Ice is telling you not to take it. You should know by now not to listen to him because he always swoops in and steals the shot, but god do you wish he was a little bit less “Me, me, me!” with flying.
8. I hate your callsign
Iceman.
It fits him perfectly in more ways than one. Goose is right, Iceman flies perfectly. He makes no mistakes, wearing his opponent (and sometimes his wingman) down so that he can deliver the final blow. He flies ice-cold. So perfect that you shiver in awe just watching.
Ice also is a dick. He just is ice-cold. You’re pretty sure the only person he’s warmed up to in his life is Slider.
It’s common to talk about Ice on base, whether that be in admiration or disgust. You’re hoping he hasn’t heard some of the more positive things you’ve said about him so that it doesn’t go to his head.
But if he had, would he thaw out a little?
9. I hate your intelligence.
You have to be at least a little smart to join the Navy, but with Ice? His genius is a little overbearing.
To put it bluntly, Ice is a know it all.
An insufferable know it all with a tendency to insult anyone who disagrees with him. Not that you can disagree with him, because he’s right.
“That maneuver wouldn’t work.”
“It could,”
“Not safely. Huge chance you could kill your wingman.” And you want to say he’s stupid, or that he’s wrong, but he isn’t. That’s the worst part. He is right, he knows it, you know it.
“You’re doing it all wrong, look, you have to line up the cue like this,” He says, snatching the pool cue out of your hand. Maybe he’s trying to be helpful, but really you think he’s just trying to show off.
“I was doing fine, Iceman.”
“Fine for someone who wants to lose.” He snorts, and you flip him off and leave.
He’s smart, he has all the answers, and he makes you feel like you have none.
10. I hate that I love you.
There, I said it. You probably already knew though.
Love,
Your least favorite pilot.
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ok but about fallout 4 companions and how they play dnd??? 👀👀👀👀👀
Maccready
OH MY GOD HE IS LIKE A KID IN A CANDY STORE.
You know those people who discover something, hyper fixate and then stay up all night learning everyday they can about it? Yeah that's mac.
His characters really do range and he's all over the place.
Shiny thing goblin. will hoard the gold
He likes playing as Ranger, Barbarian, rogue and bard the best but he really will play as anything.
His voice actor Matt Mercer is also super into DND too which I think is super fitting.
Hancock
Bard af
doesn't try to do anything productive during their play time
Wants to just dick around and see how many people he can bang and how much alcohol he can consume before dm gets tired of his shit
Ends up drawing on his character sheet and zoning out most of the time
Despite him being lazy in the game he actually really enjoys it
especially annoying everyone else
Cait
Says she doesn't really care to much about the game but always ends up getting really into it once she's there
BARBARIAN
Tries to solve every problem with her fists
Has killed important plot characters and fucked the party over on more than one occasion
Totally smuggles all the gold.
Danse
LAWFUL GOOD
Paladin obviously
Gets way to into it but unlike Cait he becomes a rigid role pusher
surprisingly besides the rule thing him and Mac enjoy playing together the most
Corrects the DM and pisses the party off.
Cait and him clash soooo hard.
Curie
The one that tries to drag the random NPC around because "They're baby"
Tries to bring every animal along
Also has animal perk too because did I mention she likes the animals?
Cried after Cait killed one of her beloved NPC
Lawful good/Neutral good always
Druid or cleric no in-between. But always a halfling
Always late to session but brings everyone snacks so it's okay
Deacon
Oh the poor, poor DM
Hes the one that wants to see how far off kilter he can push the story
Tries to derail the entire damn thing. Successes half the time
Makes horrible suggestions on purpose. Team for some reason follows his lead.
puts curie in his backpack for some reason. Has Cait kill important characters because "they looked dodgey". Points out to Danse that Dm isn't following the rules
CHAOTIC NEUTRAL
Rogue or bard
His favorite two characters were a jester who laughed instead of talked, and an arsonist who was terrified of fire and lit things in their sleep and didn't know it..
Piper
Dm
She writes all the campaigns SUPER in detail and cries when the party only uses like half of it.
tries her best to make everyone happy but somehow there's always fighting
Let's the party do pretty much anything with in reason.
She thinks Deacon doesn't understand the game....
Preston
OMG HIM AND CURIE ARE BEST FRIENDS!
He helps out every NPC with a sob story and it drives everyone crazy
Also falls ill to the "Let's drag this random npc around" disease
Takes souvenirs from everywhere the party goes
"Hey Dm can I pick that flower?"
"Hey Dm Can I take that stick?"
Hey Dm can I keep that key that opened only that one specific chest?"
Lawful good. Wizard but he's really bad at it
Nick
Wizard but he's really good at it.
Lowkey Sage.
Lawful good too 😔😔😔
Tries to save the party from Cait and Deacons bullshit
Lowkey likes playing with Danse 👀👀
his favs still are curie, mac and Preston though
is the glue that holds the party together
X6-88
He knows Deacons plan and throughly enjoys watching it take place.
He never actually plays or Dms he just spectators and sometimes helps dm write campaigns or come up with ideas.
Loves the chaos and discord. it's what gets him out of bed in the morning
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