#jesus christ: vampire hunter | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

madmaryholiday · 2 years

Text

two movies i desperately wish more people were aware of but never get a chance to recommend to people:

jesus christ: vampire hunter. it's about the literal jesus christ being summoned from his beach vacation to save ottowa's lesbians from vampires. he is accompanied by el santo (or at least a parody impersonator of el santo the masked wrestler) and at one point stakes vampires with toothpicks. he also fights a clown-car full of atheists and there's a random musical number halfway through. it's a love letter to 70s kung fu movies and it is unironically one of my favorite things ever. i just bought the "special edition" DVD because i needed a new copy after i wore my old one out.

kamikaze girls. based on a book by the same name (that i also love dearly), this little romp is about a selfish, standoffish girl who really loves lolita fashion accidentally becoming friends with a dumb biker chick in rural japan after selling her fake designer goods from her dad's failed yakuza business. which is also why they moved to rural japan in the first place. anyway, hijinks ensue, and the lolita girl turns out to be an embroidery wizard. this wizardry saves the day, but the only lesson she learns from it is "i guess other people aren't THAT bad." she's still selfish and standoffish and generally terrible, and i love that for her. i also had to buy a blu-ray copy because i wore out my DVD copy from watching it literally hundreds of times.

(the lolita girl is even more terrible in the book, for which i love her even more. it's so refreshing to see a girl protag just be unashamedly unconcerned with anything but her own happiness--which in her case is to collect beautiful clothes, never get a job, and live a sweet and dreamy life alone.)

--

Edit:

actually, a THIRD movie i adore but never get to recommend to people:

abraham lincoln vs. zombies. it's a mockbuster released around the time the vampire lincoln one was released, and it features an actor playing the absolute shit out of honest abe like he's in an oscar bait docu-drama. unironically the best abe lincoln portrayal i have ever seen, and he's mowing down confederate zombies left and right while having a complex emotional arc involving an old lover and just generally being awesome.

the effects are mostly practical, and while it's super low-budget, they do a phenomenal job with what they have. the movie simultaneously doesn't take itself seriously at all and also manages to deliver some heavy dramatic scenes that don't feel out of place despite the absolute insanity of the premise. i have yet to buy a hard copy of this one, but i really need to get on that.

#kamikaze girls #jesus christ vampire hunter #jesus christ: vampire hunter #good bad movies #or i guess good weird movies #abraham lincoln vs. zombies #edited to add the third movie

109 notes · View notes

gensfilmandfashionblog · 6 months

Text

#jesus christ: vampire hunter #jesus christ: vampire hunter 2001 #2001 #every movie i watch #day 344

2 notes · View notes

haveyouseenthishorrormovie · 3 months

Text

SUMMARY: The second coming is upon us, and Jesus has returned to earth. But before he can get down to the serious business of judging the living and the dead, he has to contend with an army of vampires that can walk in the daylight.

#jesus christ vampire hunter (2001)#horror comedy #vampire #religious horror #2000s #canada #north american movie #horror #movies #poll #more than 50% havent heard

54 notes · View notes

secondbeatsongs · 5 months

Text

Movie Night

Tomorrow (12/3/2023) at 5PM ET in the second beat server, we are watching:

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter! which, according to wikipedia, is "a 2001 Canadian horror parody film from Odessa Filmworks which deals with Jesus Christ's modern-day struggle to protect the lesbians of Ottawa, Ontario, from vampires with the help of Mexican wrestler El Santo"

come watch with us!

#movie night #jesus christ vampire hunter

76 notes · View notes

deankarolina · 2 months

Text

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

#Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter #Me when no one is online #Or my friends aren't replying #B.gifs

26 notes · View notes

glovelylovely · 2 months

Text

jesus christ vampire hunter (2001)

#lesbian #jesus christ vampire hunter #another to go with that ask #these r my fav quotes from this movie its so silly

16 notes · View notes

phyrexianphamily · 11 months

Text

Where have all our lesbians gone?

Sheoldred, Dominaria United

#sheoldred #dominaria #dominaria united #new phyrexia #praetors #phyrexian praetors #incorrect quotes #incorrect mtg quotes #source: jesus christ vampire hunter

65 notes · View notes

frenchnailsfrenchkiss · 1 year

Text

"Where have all our lesbians gone?"

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter (2001)

#jesus christ vampire hunter #le dollar bean

91 notes · View notes

psygull · 7 months

Text

There's a world of difference between a movie that is intentionally made to be bad (look at how cheesy we're being! isn't it ironic?) and a movie that knows that it's probably bad but is determined to do the most with what it's got.

Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter is not a bad movie. Nor is it a good one. What it is is incredibly earnest and charming. I've probably mentioned it before, but this is my favorite kind of movie to watch. The director was just a guy who wanted to make a movie and have fun with it, alongside a veritable army of early 2000s Canadian twenty-somethings that comprise the cast.

It would be easy for the rest of this filmpost to just be a list of things that happen in it: it's a kung fu movie, it's a musical, it's a comedy, there's a barroom brawl where people are getting staked with toothpicks and pool cues, there are TWO Jesus makeover sequences, there's a hugedude Mexican wrestler in a very small airplane, there's a lady named Mary Magnum, there's a motorcycle stunt performed by said Mary Magnum, there's holy water beer, there's lesbianism, there's a bit where Jesus bilocates to be in two fight scenes simultaneously, there's an EXTENDED bit where a bunch of atheists continually pile out of a clown car to fistfight Jesus. There are even vampires. It's wonderful, it's corny as hell, and everyone involved was full of a love for cinema and the joy of creating. Is it good? Who cares! Jesus has sideburns and wears earrings and he's crawling through a vent. Go watch it, it's on Tubi and on YouTube. If I'm not back in five minutes call the Pope.

#psygullisms #filmposting #jesus christ vampire hunter

36 notes · View notes

garbage-connoisseur · 9 months

Text

Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter

Let's talk about a very silly movie starring Kung Fu Jesus Christ trying to stop a group of vampires from committing hate-crimes. That's right baby, it's Jesus Christ: Vampire Hunter!

Things are grim in Ottowa, Canada. A string of vampiric murders have targeted the local lesbian population and severely impacted church memberships to boot. The church decides to pull out their secret weapon...

This alone should be enough to sell you on the movie, but let me just throw in that besides vampires and Jesus it also contains (bad) kung fu and musical elements.

I should however also do my usual content warning for the movie: While it doesn't contain any major sexual assault, homophobic or racist scenes, it does still come from the tradition of Troma pictures, so there is a recurring gag with a female character getting groped, a villainous character french-kissing a corpse, some general distasteful bits and just... So much blasphemy (obviously).

But back to the story:

Jesus gets several make-overs throughout the story, first of which includes a haircut, a couple of earrings and a song-and dance routine in which he proves his might by healing the sick in front of a public crowd.

There's sadly not a lot of diagetic singing and dancing, but the soundtrack does slap, and the movie more than makes up for it with memorable scenes, such as when Jesus has just been out shopping for wood for stakes, but gets accosted by a new enemy:

After which we are treated to a scene of some 30+ atheist combatants leaving a single (clown?) car, followed by a very dumb fight scene.

Jesus finds out that the reason that vampires can travel freely in the sunlight is that a mad scientist has been grafting the skin of the dead lesbians they've been kidnapping unto them, thereby protecting them from the deadly rays of the sun. For any vampires reading this, there's a thought, eh? Although maybe steer clear of the hate crimes.

However, Jesus on his own is no match for the entire vampire population and he gets completely trounced, at which point the movie treats us to a wonderful little take on the parable of the good Samaritan:

That's right, first a bishop walks past Jesus without helping him, then a cop (ACAB) and finally he gets help from a transvestite (according to the credits), who nurses him back to health. Support your trans communities as they would support you. <3

And that is generally the message of the movie. I don't want to spoil anything else. The movie is very worth watching, it's genuinely funny while also being very supportive of queer people. It's currently less than €3 on German Amazon, so go grab yourself a copy and experience this wonderful low-budget masterpiece for yourself.

I'll just leave you with this:

#cult film #vampire movies #horror movies #horror comedy #religious satire #jesus christ vampire hunter #kung fu #horror musical #santo #blasphemy

36 notes · View notes

jilf · 16 days

Text

so predictable

#jesus christ vampire hunter was amazing....really good soundtrack #personal

8 notes · View notes

vectorworm · 2 months

Text

my favourite scene from Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter: THE ATHEISTS!!!

10/10 movie (its on IA)

#jesus christ vampire hunter

8 notes · View notes

san--jose--sharpedos · 13 days

Text

I was doing shit tonight so I was checking the tags to see what was going on while I was doing shit and I kept seeing the name Santos and thought yall meant the luchador from Jesus Christ Vampire Hunter