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xiaojunsmintchoco · 1 year

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Love Note — Johnny Suh

pairing: best friend johnny x reader

genre: fluff, best friends to lovers, roommates au

synopsis: despite having been best friends for the longest time, both you and Johnny pick up a new habit of leaving little notes for each other when you move in together. How does that blur the lines between best friends and lover for you both?

wc: 6k of (poorly-written) fluff

a/n: this is a gift for @sehunniepotwrites! Nikki, I hope you enjoy this fic (though it was wasn’t very well written imo :”) and that it brightens your Christmas for you! thank you so much for being such a cool mutual to talk to, though we’ve only known each other for a short while, I’ve really enjoyed our conversations! Stay safe and have a wonderful holiday!

⋆*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥

“Dude, you good?” Johnny looks over to you with a concerned expression as he hears the sigh coming from you.

“No,” you groan, scrolling through your phone as you look at the rental prices for apartments near university. “Looking at how rental prices are all sky-high, there’s no way I’ll be able to rent an apartment”.

“I would normally suggest staying at home, but if I were you I wouldn’t wanna make a one hour commute to school every day, especially with the amount of work we’re gonna have too,” Johnny muses.

You shoot your best friend a playful glare. “Gee, thanks for reminding me of that, John”.

He merely chuckles as he watches you continue looking for reasonably-priced apartments, but all of them seem like they’d drain more of your budget than you’d like. “Say, what if we both rent an apartment together? Then we can both split rent, and it should be more affordable for us, right?” Johnny suggests. “I mean, I’d like an apartment near university too. Like you, I wouldn’t wanna waste two hours travelling to and from school in total”.

Your eyes light up at your best friend’s suggestion. “You’re a genius!” you exclaim, his idea already appealing to you. With anyone else you didn’t know too well you would’ve been hesitant, but hey, this was your best friend you were talking about, which would be easier than having to move in with a complete stranger. In that moment, you thank the heavens that Johnny had decided to apply to the same university as you and gotten accepted as well.

“Of course I am”. Johnny scoffs in return, earning him an eye roll and a light smack across the shoulder.

“Whatever, Mr Self Proclaimed Genius. I’ll send you the apartment listings, you can look through them, and then we can make a decision together”.

Johnny hums as his phone dings with the text notification from you. “Yep, that’s good,” he agrees, opening the link you sent and skimming through the list of possible apartments you both could rent. Before you know it, you’ve both settled on a decent apartment.

⋆*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥ ⋆

“YES! I can’t believe we actually got the apartment!” you cheer as you take the key and waltz into the new apartment. Johnny laughs at your antics, but lets himself into the apartment as well. It was quite a homey one, with a brown wooden floor and white walls. A comfy-looking sofa sat in front of a round coffee table and a television, and in the dining hall, you were greeted by a rectangular dining table, decorated with a glass vase of artificial flowers, as well as the fridge next to it. Talk about value for money.

“Let’s go check out the rooms, shall we? Then we can pick the rooms that we want,” Johnny suggests. You agree, and both of you hurtle up the stairs, eager to look at the bedrooms. Turns out, both of the rooms have the same basic design — single size bed, a bedside table with three drawers and a lamp, plus a large enough wardrobe for you both to use. How you both still manage to argue (jokingly) over which room you both want — no one will ever know, but you both attributed it to your “best friend chemistry”.

“Why are you so insistent on taking the room on the left? They’re both the same!” Johnny argues.

“Nah man, the one on the left has a nicer view from the window, so I want that one!” you declare. “Then why do you want the one on the left so badly, since in your words, ‘they’re both the same’?”

“The colour of the wardrobe in that room is nicer! The brown is warmer,” Johnny. claims, not backing down.

“Psh, over that?” you snicker. This argument wasn’t going anywhere.

You both decide the rooms based on a game of “scissors, paper, stone”, which resulted in you winning and getting the room on the left, and Johnny crumpled on the floor in defeat, being the dramatic best friend you’d known for all this while.

After moving into your desired rooms and unpacking, you both discuss roommate duties over an Indian takeout lunch. “I think that the cleanliness of our own rooms as well as laundry should be our own individual responsibilities,” Johnny begins.

You nod, agreeing with your friend. “For the other stuff, what about a weekly rotation? This week I can do cooking, while you do dishes. But for the other stuff…”

“We’ll split it,” Johnny decides. “So this week maybe you can sweep the floor and empty the trash, and I’ll clean the bathroom and do mopping? Maybe I should do groceries too, since you’re cooking already. So what do you think, Your Highness?” he finishes with a mock bow to you, waiting for your approval.

You laugh at the title he gave to you at the end, but approve of his suggestions. “Sure! I’ll write them all down on a piece of paper, then we can use one of those fridge magnets to put this on the fridge”.

And that commenced your experience of living with one of your all-time best friends.

⋆*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥ ⋆

“Yo bro, I just got a sick idea”.

You look up from your breakfast of toast with butter and coconut jam (Johnny had gotten lazy that morning and just made plain toast), and raise an eyebrow at the boy in front of you. He’s currently scrolling through his phone, seemingly engrossed in something. “And that is…?” you ask, cocking an eyebrow up while trying to hide the suspicion creeping into your voice.

Unfortunately, Johnny knew you too well, and knew you had your reservations already. “Don’t worry man! I was just thinking, we could get Ikea desks for our rooms and assemble them together, since our rooms don’t have desks,” he mumbles through a mouthful of his own toast — topped with honey and butter.

Alarm bells go off in your head immediately, alerting you that your friend’s “sick idea” probably might not be that great. “I don’t know, man…we’re like bulls in a china shop. What makes you think we can assemble a desk, let alone two desks?” you question.

“C’mon, it’s just like, Ikea DIY. How hard could it be?” Johnny argues.

“Why not just get desks that have already been assembled?” you suggest.

“Nah, if we were to get DIY desks that’d be cheaper, because we’re assembling it ourselves instead of the people in the factory,” Johnny reasons.

“I’m not sure about this…”

And so begins another round of the playful arguments you’ve both gotten used to since the beginning of your friendship, which Johnny won — partly because you gave in, since you knew he wouldn’t let up and you’d both be late for your first classes if the argument didn’t end somewhere.

Now both of you are left squinting at the instruction manual of the first Ikea desk, while blindly screwing parts together.

“Dude, watch it, it’s gonna — agh!” Johnny’s panicked yell makes you jump and drop the instruction manual, which you were previously poring over for the umpteenth time before the desk collapsed, missing you by a hair’s breadth.

“What the heck, bro!” you exclaim, jaw still seemingly glued to the floor from shock.

“I’m sorry,” Johnny apologises, sheepishly scratching the back of his head. “Gosh, I didn’t know Ikea furniture was this hard to put together”.

“Yeah, who was the one who said ‘C’mon, it’s just like, Ikea DIY?’” you snort, reminding him of his words over breakfast earlier in the week.

“Shut up,” he groans. “I’m starting to wish I could eat my words. Nevermind, let’s do this again. What do the instructions say again?”

“So first, we’ve gotta find this wooden board. Then, we put four screws into it…”

It takes about two more hours, and multiple glasses of ice-cold coke zero, but you both finally finish putting together the first desk. “Now that’s what I call a true masterpiece!” Johnny declares, stepping back from the completed desk and dramatically dusting off his hands. “Dude, we’re basically ready for marriage now that we can assemble Ikea furniture without killing each other in the process,” he jokes, swirling the ice cubes in his glass.

Having been his friend for years, you’re used to him making such jokes, so you don’t expect the wave of butterflies that sweeps over you when those words reach your ears. However, you brush it off and lightly smack his shoulder. “Don’t speak so fast — you almost let the desk collapse on me! Besides, we’ve got one more desk to assemble,” you remind, pointing at the second heap of wooden boards and metal frames laid on the floor in front of you.

“Oh, dammit”.

⋆*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥ ⋆

One thing that sets you and Johnny aside from other roommates could be your habit of leaving little notes for each other on the fridge. Be it to update the other on location, remind the other about undone chores, or ask the other to pick something up from the store, every day, without fail, the fridge would be filled with these little notes — it had become a personal bulletin board of sorts for the two of you.

How it started? After this one day, when you came home in a state of awful stress due to the sheer amount of work your professors had loaded on you, and your dead phone wasn’t helping your situation. Thus, you decide to simply rip a piece of paper off a notepad, and scribble out a note for Johnny to let him know where to find you, before sticking it to the fridge with a magnet.

I’m at home, just in my room. Very busy today. As soon as Johnny gets home, your note on the fridge catches his attention when he walks into the kitchen to pour himself a glass of milk, and he decides to check on you.

No sooner than two seconds after he knocked the door came your tiny reply of “come in”. “Dude, what’s that awful smell-“ Johnny begins as soon as he enters. The sight that greets him is you seated at your desk with your hoodie up, staring at your computer with your palms cupping your face. Beside you is an unfinished venti cup of iced coffee, and your favourite cinnamon scented candle — the culprit behind that “awful smell”. He knew the scented candle was something you used in order to destress, so all of those things signalled to him that you were having a less-than-ideal time. “Hey, you good?” Johnny asks, making his way over and plopping in the chair beside you, noting the way your eyebrows were furrowed and your eyes were glazed over with a downcast expression.

“Yes, all is fine and dandy. Totally don’t have an eight-page essay due tomorrow and biology and math tests the whole of next week that I haven’t studied for”. With sarcasm dripping from your tone, you make your predicament known to Johnny.

“Ouch. That’s rough,” Johnny hums, looking over at your computer screen as he racks his brain for ways to help you. That’s when he realises that the essay topic you’re on is very similar to one he’s done before. “Hey, I actually did this essay last semester. Would you like to read mine? Maybe you can refer to it to help you with your own,” he suggests. “I mean, you could even use it and just change a few sentences. Doubt the professor would notice”.

You turn to properly face him this time. “Really?”

“Yeah, it’s no problem. I can just email you the document,” Johnny adds. "After this, I can study math with you and help you. Sorry I can't help with biology, since I don't take it".

“Oh my goodness, LIFESAVER! Thank you so much John!” you exclaim, the relief visible on your face as your features relaxed into a grateful smile. You really were thankful to your friend — if not for him, you’d still be stuck on the third page of your essay, not knowing how to go on.

“No problem, y/n. Just helping you out,” he answers with a grin. “What about after all your tests finish next week, we do something to relax?” he suggests. “My own tests finish then too”.

“Sounds good!” you reply.

Which is how both of you end up on the couch with Johnny, legs tangled up in a pile of blankets, savouring the delicious pizza you both ordered and laughing over what could well be your hundredth episode of Brooklyn-99, glad that the hectic semester was going to end before you knew it.

It was in times like these, your best friend’s presence brought you a warm sense of comfort, like warm peppermint tea in stormy weather. Somehow, with him, the world seemed much less overwhelming and easier to take on.

What you didn’t know was, Johnny felt the exact same way about you.

⋆*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥ ⋆

Rain poured and lightning flashed angrily in the gloomy skies outside the window — but even that could not compare to the storm in your heart. To say you were frantic with worry would be an understatement. Walking over to the fridge, you re-read the note that he’d left on the fridge for you.

I’ve got basketball practice today, so I’ll be home at about 4 pm today.

It’s now 5: 30 pm — one and a half hours past the time stated on the note. The fact that he wasn’t picking up your calls too wasn’t helping.

Just as you think you’re about to lose your mind, the jangling of keys in the lock forces you to snap your head in the direction of the door, which opens to reveal none other than Johnny. He’s soaked to the bone, clothes uncomfortably clinging to every inch of him, bag slung over his shoulder. “Johnny! What happened, why were you not picking up my calls?” a flurry of questions tumbles out of your mouth as you hurry to take his bag from him and pass him a towel to dry himself with.

“Sorry, y/n. Practice was extended by more than an hour, and I forgot my umbrella,” he sighs as he gratefully accepts the towel from you and begins drying his hair.

“My goodness, John. To think that was the first thing I reminded you to bring today,” you reply, facepalming at your friend’s absentmindedness. “Quick, go take a bath — I don’t want you to fall sick,” you add, and he complies.

Unfortunately, the damage had been done. The next morning, you wake up to this note on the fridge: Now sicko, so I’m stuck in my room. Don’t worry about me though, lel.

Johnny was now curled up under the covers, running a temperature and nose running like a tap. As his roommate and best friend, you took it upon yourself to take care of him.

That afternoon as soon as you get home, you prepare some soup and rice for Johnny, and portion them into bowls. Setting both bowls onto a tray, you carry the tray to Johnny’s room before knocking on the door, entering when you hear a weak “come in”.

“Johnny, wake up and have something to eat before taking your medicine,” you say as you set the tray down on his bedside table.

“Mmph, wanna sleep,” he mumbles, laying his head back down on the pillow and shutting his eyes again.

“Eat lunch first, then you can sleep all you want,” you assert, gentle but firm. “It’s lotus root and pork rib soup with pumpkin rice, so you should be able to get it down with no problem”. He obliges, and you prop a pillow up against his headboard so that he can sit comfortably.

“Mm, delicious,” Johnny comments, slurping up a spoonful of soup and taking a mouthful of the rice. “Thanks, y/n”.

“Anytime, Johnny. I know you’d do the same for me”. His voice, though now coarse and raspy due to sickness, still carried the same familiar warmth you’d grown so fond of throughout friendship. Your heart fluttered and pounded at his words — which you realised was now becoming a far too common occurrence.

You sit beside him as he eats, silence being the only thing audible apart from Johnny’s slurping and chewing sounds. “You know, y/n,” he suddenly says, breaking the silence.

“What?”

“The way you’ve been taking care of me the past few days…it gives me ‘wife vibes’,” he remarks as you give him his medicine.

“Elaborate, please,” you request, hiding your surprise at his comment.

"I mean…look, cooking for me, making sure I take my medicine, checking on me whenever you can…is that not what a wife does?" he reasons, gulping down some water. “Also, the way you blew up my phone with calls when I was late from basketball practice, that’s something a worried wife would do”.

“Psh,” you scoff, rolling your eyes good-naturedly. “I’m just looking out for you as any good roommate would do. Besides, funny you say that — none of my friends think I give off wife vibes or mum vibes, even”.

Johnny raises an eyebrow. “Really?”

“Yeah, to them I give off joker vibes and clown vibes,” you explain with a laugh.

“I didn’t know”. Johnny says, surprise evident on his face. His expression quickly morphs into a smirk, though. “Then I should count myself lucky, since I’m the only one among our friends that have seen this ‘wife’ side of you. Trust me, your future spouse is gonna be very very lucky”.

You simply chuckle, picking up his dishes and scurrying into the kitchen to put them away in the sink in an attempt to hide the blush on your cheeks that had darkened one or two shades. He thinks I’d make a good wife! Inside, you’re screaming with joy as you walk back to his room with a fresh glass of water, and put it on his bedside table. “I’d light you one of my favourite scented candles, but I know you hate it,” you remark, and both of you share a laugh as you remember how he nearly gagged the first time he came in and smelt the cinnamon scented candle. “Rest well, Johnny”. You exit his room and quietly shut the door.

As you’re leaving his room, something clicks inside of you: maybe, just maybe, you were developing a crush on your roommate and best friend.

And maybe it had started way earlier than you thought. But you felt it was best to keep your feelings under wraps, lest you jeopardize your precious friendship.

⋆*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥ ⋆

Johnny finds himself startled by your shrill scream one fine afternoon, and worried that you got hurt, he rushes out of his room and into the kitchen to check on you. "Y/n, what happened? Are you hurt?"

His eyes follow the direction your trembling finger is pointing at, and his gaze lands on a brown, oval-shaped object, with two antennae and six hairy, formidable-looking legs. "C-cockroach!" you stammer, shivering like a winter leaf. Cockroaches were one of your worst fears, and Johnny knew that well.

Sighing, Johnny puts his hands on your shoulders and leads you out of the kitchen. "Stay outside, I'll deal with this piece of shit," he instructs, walking off to grab the can of insecticide in the storeroom. You watch from behind the kitchen door as he sprays relentlessly at the creepy-crawly, until it turns turtle and breathes its last. "Get me a tissue," he requests, and you comply. Picking the cockroach up with the tissue, he flings it into the bin and then cleans up the areas where he sprayed the insecticide. "This-is-J-S-95. Enemy-has-been-neutralized," he says in a robotic voice, releasing the fear in your heart and replacing it with amusement as you guffaw at his robot impression.

"Thank you so much, John. I thought I'd never be able to get my glass of water in peace," you let out a relieved chuckle. "Sorry to scare you with my screaming".

"No problem. I was more worried that you got hurt," he answers.

"Tell you what, as a thank you I'll cook your favourite dish for dinner next week, as soon as our groceries are restocked," you suggest.

"Sure thing. It's the least you can do after nearly giving me a heart attack," he jokes.

“Yeah, yeah, whatever John,” you chuckle, rolling your eyes and moving to pour yourself a glass of water.

Funny I said that, everytime I’m around her, my heart pounds so fast I feel like I’m having cardiac arrest, Johnny thinks to himself as he strolls out of the kitchen.

⋆*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥ ⋆

Perhaps, deciding to sing in the shower is far from a wise choice — even if you think you’re alone at home.

But that’s exactly what you decided to do. After coming home from a stressful day at school, all you wanted to do was take a warm shower, use your favourite shampoo, and then get to tackling whatever assignments you had. And because Johnny wasn’t home, you thought it would be a safe bet to relieve some of that stress by belting your heart out to songs.

You finish your private shower concert with your own rendition of Whitney Houston's "I Will Always Love You”, and exit the bathroom to find a new note on the fridge. Bro, great voice, you should’ve sang louder. I would’ve had a much better recording :)

He was home? I didn’t know! A mildly panicked thought zooms through your mind. You unpin the note from the fridge, and go off in search of your roommate. “Johnny Suh, if you really recorded me singing earlier, I’m gonna freaking kill you!” you exclaim, heading in the direction of his room. Sure enough, your own voice comes blasting through the door, eliciting a sigh from you. Still, you knock his door and wait for him to consent to your entry before opening the door and lunging towards him, pretending to strangle him. “You! Delete the recording, now!” you demand, making a finger gun and holding it to his head.

“Not in a million years,” he replies, smirking as he holds his phone to his chest. “C’mon man, you sounded glorious, why would I not want a memento of your fantastic voice? Besides…” his voice trails off. “It would make great blackmail material!” he finishes, lips curving into a triumphant grin.

“You piece of-“ you attempt to snatch the phone from him, but he stands up and holds the phone up high. Though you’re not that short, Johnny has a height that can match Goliath’s, and you’re not able to reach his phone. “Fine. If you don’t delete that recording, I’ll retract my promise of cooking your favourite dish for tomorrow,” you huff.

“Okay, fine, fine!” Johnny concedes, holding up his hands in surrender. Lowering his phone in front of your face, he unlocks it, opens his files and then makes a show of deleting the audio clip. “There. Happy now, milady?” he asks, waving his phone in front of your face.

“Yes, very good,” you approve. “Congratulations then, you saved yourself,” you declare, striding out of the room.

Little did you know, that night Johnny retrieved the audio clips from his phone’s recycling bin and listened to them, smiling to himself at how goofy and adorable he found you. He realised how idiotic he would have looked if you or anyone else were there, but hey — he was alone in the privacy of his room, with only the moonlight streaming through the window to accompany him.

Gosh, since when was I so down bad for her? He asks himself as he sets his phone on the bedside table and drifts off to sleep.

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“So this is what your apartment looks like? That’s nice!” Taeyong compliments his friend on his apartment as he steps in, taking a look at the place. The last semester had rolled around really quickly, and Johnny had invited his close friends and group mates, Taeyong and Yuta, over to the apartment to work on a year-end group project.

“Yeah, y/n and I decorated it together, is it nice?” Johnny asks, heart swelling with some amount of pride.

“Yeah, the ‘married couple’ vibes are immaculate,” Yuta says, eyeing the pictures on the wall, most of which were pictures you and Johnny took when you hung out together.

Johnny doesn’t miss the teasing lilt in Yuta’s voice, and rolls his eyes at him. “We’re not married or in any form of relationship, we’re just roommates,” he reminds Yuta while leading his friends into the kitchen. “You guys want anything to drink?” he asks kindly. While Taeyong simply opts for water, Yuta doesn’t answer, instead focusing on reading the note you’d left for Johnny on the fridge. “I’m at Wendy’s house with Seulgi to work on our year-end project. By the way thanks for killing the cockroach for me last week, I’ll cook your favourite dish for dinner tonight when I get home! Aww,” Yuta remarks, turning to smirk at Johnny. “So, you kill the bugs while y/n cooks as a thank you? If that doesn’t sound married, I don’t know what does”.

“Yuta, I already said, we’re not married or in a relationship. I mean, I do like her, but neither of us plan to-“ Johnny is cut off by Taeyong literally spitting out his water. It’s in that moment that Johnny realises that he let that detail slip, and his hands instinctively fly to his mouth.

“Wait, sorry, what? Say that again?” Taeyong prods.

Johnny huffs and shakes his head. “Nevermind. Pretend I said nothing. Let’s just go get our project done”.

“Y’know, if you really like her, I think you should tell her,” Taeyong comments later as they’re wrapping up their project.

“Nah bro. I’m sure she doesn’t like me back that way”. Johnny shakes his head.

“How would you know?” Yuta questions.

“C’mon man, we’ve both been nothing more than best friends for a good chunk of our lives. No way she sees me as more than that,” Johnny argues, but both his friends are not convinced.

“You’re not her, you wouldn’t really know,” Taeyong points out.

“That’s true. But I’d rather keep quiet than jeopardize our friendship by telling her,” Johnny replies.

“Jeez, the signs are so obvious. I can’t believe you literally live under the same roof as her, yet you’re oblivious to all of them,” Yuta groans.

“There are signs?” Johnny questions, raising an eyebrow.

“Bro, I’ve caught her staring at you multiple times in Chemistry class. I sit beside you, and I can literally feel her gaze on you,” Taeyong says.

“And even if she’s tired thanks to a lack of morning coffee, the moment you walk in — boom, her mood changes. Suddenly, she’s a can of beans and I can hear her even from the farthest end of the room. How do you not pick up on these things?” Yuta asks, not sure whether to be amazed or unimpressed by his friend’s oblivion.

“She really does those things?” Johnny asks. He tries to hide his surprise, but his furrowed brows and agape mouth give it away.

Yuta facepalms. “Oh my gosh, you’re unbelievable”.

But it didn’t matter. Now that that information was in Johnny’s hands, he was now planning out his next move.

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“And…we’re done for today! Great work y’all!” As three of you wrap up your work for the day, Wendy affirms the whole group.

“So how’s it been living with Johnny?” Wendy asks you as the three of you sit down at her table with the packet drinks she offered.

“It’s been going well so far,” you answer, taking a sip of your drink. “It’s really great to have him around the house so far”.

“Why? So you both can get more couple time together?” Seulgi looks up from her drink with a grin on her face.

“Oh please, Johnny and I aren’t married,” you scoff. “We’ve been nothing but best friends for so long”.

“That could change,” Wendy pipes up, and you shoot her a joking glare. Maybe you should never have told them you were beginning to crush on your best friend. “Okay but seriously, y/n, when are you going to tell him you like him?”

“Never ever,” you reply, hoping your monotone could convey the finality of that decision to your friends. “We’re just friends, always will be, because he doesn’t like me back that way”.

“Ah ah, that’s where you’re wrong,” Seulgi argues. “You don’t happen to be a mind-reader, do you, y/n?”

“No, but-“

“Then how would you know Johnny doesn’t feel the same way? The only way to know for sure is to tell him how you feel first, and then see how he responds,” Seulgi cuts you off and offers her advice.

“But if he doesn’t feel the same way it’ll make things awkward between both of us,” you object, voicing your concerns.

“And if he does? y/n, if none of you make the first move, Johnny could well end up with someone else. I’ve seen Minjeong ogling at him already, you know,” Wendy adds. The last bit of information wasn’t true, but knowing that three of you shared a common dislike towards said girl, Wendy spun the tale in a bid to jolt you into action faster.

“Wait, are you serious?” You stare at Wendy and Seulgi with wide eyes, and feel your heart sink to the pit of your stomach as they nod.

“So, unless you want that bitch to get to your Prince Charming first, I suggest you quicken things and confess,” Seulgi advises.

That piece of information fills you with a new kind of determination, and you decide to take your chances. “Okay, that does it. I’m telling him how I feel, and if he doesn’t like me back that way, I guess I’ll see if he wants to remain friends or drift apart,” you decide.

“Atta girl. How do you plan to do it?” Seulgi inquires.

You pause in your tracks. “I don’t know, actually,” you admit. “I don’t really have any plan in mind”.

Three of you sit in silence, trying to formulate a plan for your confession. “Hmm, Christmas is coming soon, right? You could write him a note and attach it to his Christmas gift,” Wendy suggests.

“Ooh, or you could just attach the note to the fridge on Christmas morning, when Johnny’s still sleeping,” Seulgi offers an alternative. “Then you park yourself in a spot you both like, maybe the cafe that you both frequent, and tell him to come find you there after he reads the note if he wants to talk”.

You process the suggestions that they just gave you, but eventually decide to go with Seulgi’s idea. “Thanks guys! Guess I have a plan now,” you smile.

“No problem. Girls help girls,” Wendy answers with a laugh. “Let us know how it goes”.

⋆*̣̥☆·͙̥‧❄•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥˟͙☃˟͙‧̩̥·‧•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥•̥̩̥͙‧·‧̩̥❄‧·͙̥̣☆*̣̥ ⋆

On Christmas eve, you learn one thing — the person who coined the saying “easier said than done” was absolutely right.

You had been so confident the days leading up to Christmas — writing and re-writing your note to him, asking Wendy and Seulgi for advice, and rehearsing what you would say to him after he reads the note.

But now, at 8 am in the morning, you’re standing in front of your fridge, clad in your favourite winter coat and beanie, hand moving to place the note on the fridge door before removing it again.

Is this really a good idea? What if he rejects me? Will I be able to handle the pain that comes after? A million questions race through your head as you contemplate your decision. Screw it, let’s just do this, you decide, and reach for a magnet on the fridge.

A hand comes out of nowhere and reaches out for the same magnet. “Oh, I’m sorry, you can use that,” a familiar voice sounds next to your ear, making you jump.

“Johnny! Why are you up so early?” you ask, genuinely surprised. Johnny’s not a morning person — he’ll take any opportunity to sleep in. To see him up so early in the morning on a holiday was probably an event that should be recorded in history books.

“Oh, erm, I just — have somewhere to be later,” Johnny garbles out a reply somewhat hesitantly as he fiddles with the earmuffs around his neck. “I wanted to leave you a note before I left, but I suppose I can just pass it to you now?”

“Sure thing,” you answer, taking the piece of paper from him. You assumed it would be something simple, such as asking you to pick up something from the store or to let you know where he’d be.

“Do you mind passing me yours as well? I can just read it now,” Johnny suggests before you can properly register the first word on his note.

You hesitate, thinking your options over. If you told him no and just left the note on the fridge before scurrying off, he would still read it anyway. If you told him yes and complied — same result. Oh well. “Here you go,” you say, praying that he doesn’t see how your hands are trembling ever so slightly. Your heart thuds like a galloping horse as you watch him scan your note — the moment of truth was near. In a bid to distract yourself, you read his note to you.

Y/n:

I’ve kept this secret to myself for way too long, and I need to get it off my chest, so I’ll say it here now — I love you, as more than just my best friend.

There’s so many things about you that made me fall for you. For one, we share the same sense of humour — you’re the only person I know who will talk about weird shit with me the whole night until we’re in stitches from laughing, wondering if we need mental help. I really appreciate the things you do for me, be it taking care of me when I’m sick, cooking my favourite dishes, or remembering even small details that I mention to you. Another reason is that you’ve been my best friend for so long, there’s this level of comfort and understanding that’s exclusive to the both of us. I don’t know — there’s something about being in your presence that brings me this warm sense of comfort and joy, and it’s more than words can describe. Of course there’s more reasons, but if I went on this note will never end.

I know that this is very sudden, and I understand that you may need time to think it over, so take as long as you need, and meet me at the cafe beside school when you’re ready to talk. Merry Christmas, y/n.

You read and re-read the note multiple times with what you’re sure is a visible gawk on your face. Johnny likes me too? Is this a dream? You pinch yourself hard, and soon realise you’re really not dreaming.

“Dude, you like me too?” Johnny’s voice disrupts your train of thought, and you shyly nod as you look up from the piece of paper, now slightly crumpled due to the tightness of your grip on it. Disbelief, surprise and then joy make their way onto his face in quick succession, before he lunges for you like a golden retriever and pulls you into a big hug. “Oh my gosh, I was so afraid you didn’t feel the same way, and that I’d ruin our friendship,” he mumbles.

“Honestly, same here John,” you reply, head resting on his shoulder. “But I’m glad now I know, because I can finally confidently say that I love you — as more than just my best friend”. Your next move surprises Johnny — before you both break the hug, you press a chaste kiss to his lips. His stunned expression amuses you to no end, and you end up chortling at how he raises his fingers to his lips in disbelief.

But when he overcomes the surprise, he pulls you in once more for another kiss, this time one that’s longer and a bit deeper. You savour everything about the kiss, from the feel of his lips on yours to the taste of his chocolate lip balm.

“Wow, what a way to start our Christmas,” Johnny chuckles as you both pull away for oxygen. “Merry Christmas, y/n. I love you”.

You smile at your friend, heart bursting with more joy, love and warmth than you’d ever felt in your whole life. “Merry Christmas, Johnny. I love you”.

taglist: @moonsclover @bangchan-fairy

#nct-writers #neowritingsnet #nct fluff #nct angst #nct fics #nct imagines #nct x reader #nct x y/n #nct scenarios #nct au #johnny fluff #johnny angst #johnny fics #johnny imagines #johnny x reader #johnny x y/n #johnny scenarios #johnny au

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saturnznct · 1 year

Text

d3 - christmas in chicago | jhs

➸ word count; 1240 words

➸ jude; aged 14, verity & katie; aged 5, connor; aged 1 month

➸ alternative names used; junho (jude), eunyoung (katie)

dadmas masterlist | nct masterlist

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ⋆✦⋆ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Surprisingly, your five-year-old twins are not the ones who wake you up at five in the morning on Christmas Day. Instead, you arise to the sound of your one-month-old son fussing in his bedside crib.

You stretch, shifting around to position yourself upright. It’s been roughly three or four hours since you last fed, and your body reacts accordingly, loose white t-shirt beginning to dampen.

‘I’ll take him,’ Johnny murmurs from behind you, in his raspy morning voice.

‘He needs fed,’ you reply, lifting Connor up from the crib and onto your chest.

‘I’ll keep you company,’ Johnny settles further into the pillows, lightly tickling Connor’s feet with his finger.

This year, you’d found yourself in Chicago for Christmas. Last year you had spent the holiday in Korea after staying there for a little stint because of Johnny’s work, but you had come back to your home in Chicago during the summer to prepare for the birth of your youngest son.

Your hair falls as you turn your head to smile at Johnny, so he reaches a hand out to push the stray hair behind your ear.

‘Merry Christmas, beautiful,’ he rubs your cheek on the way back down with his thumb, before dropping it down to the back of Connor’s head, ‘and Merry first Christmas, little man.’

‘Merry Christmas, John. Our last first Christmas,’ you smile lazily.

‘Well, I mean, we could have another surprise-‘

‘Absolutely not,’ you interrupt, and he laughs sheepishly, ‘four is more than enough.’

‘I know, I was kidding,’ Johnny kisses your elbow, ‘I love our family so much.’

Johnny just watches you feed for a few minutes before your bedroom door cracks open, two little girl’s faces appearing behind it.

‘Hey girls,’ Johnny sits up on his elbows, the twins taking it as an invitation to come inside.

‘It’s Christmas, daddy,’ Katie crawls up onto the bed, Verity not far behind her.

‘It is, angel,’ Johnny lets her crawl into his arms, ‘do you think Santa’s been?’

The twins nod rapidly, both inching closer towards their father.

‘Can we go downstairs and go and see, daddy?’ Verity bounces on her heels with excitement.

‘Mommy’s feeding your little brother, Vev,’ Johnny explains, ‘we’ll have to wait until he’s done, okay?’

‘Okay,’ the girls sigh, slightly dejected, but the excitement quickly outweighs it.

The four of you talk quietly for a few minutes, the twins buzzing about potential presents Santa may have brought them. Once Connor pulls away from you, the twins automatically straighten up, ready to jump out of bed to harass Jude into waking up.

‘Girls-‘ Johnny tries to get them to slow down, but they’re already reaching up and pulling your bedroom door open, plodding along down the hallway towards their older brother’s bedroom.

‘Can you manage?’ Johnny lays a warm hand just under your shoulder.

‘Yeah, you go make sure they don’t jump on his head.’

Johnny leaves the room as you rise from the bed slowly, beginning to pat Connor’s back.

Jude is leaning against the hallway wall, half asleep still, once you emerge from the bedroom.

‘Morning,’ you chuckle, his face brightening when he sees you and his baby brother.

‘Can we go downstairs now?’ Katie tugs on Johnny’s sleeve.

‘Yeah, come on angel, let’s go and see what Santa’s brought you.’

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ⋆✦⋆ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

‘Grandma!’

‘Hello little ones,’ Johnny’s mother hugs her granddaughters before looking up and noticing Jude.

‘Junho-ah,’ she breaks away from the twins to hug Jude, ‘Merry Christmas.’

‘John-ah, Y/N! How’s the little one?’

‘Groggy,’ you turn to the side slightly to show Connor laying against your chest half-asleep, ‘someone is ready for his morning nap.’

‘Go put him down, his little crib is still in the spare room.’

Johnny’s parents had a little fold-out crib for Connor just in case you spent a long time there.

‘I’ll put him down, come on,’ Johnny takes Connor from you, rocking him slowly as he ventures up the stairs.

‘Merry Christmas mum/mom,’ you hug Johnny’s mother, ‘thank you for hosting this year.’

‘You know how much I love cooking for you guys,’ she replies, ‘you’ve made such a big family, it warms my heart to have you all here together.’

‘He went straight to sleep,’ Johnny reappears at the top of the stairs, ‘all the Christmas excitement made him tired I think.’

‘Now that we’re all here,’ Johnny’s dad says, ‘lets start on presents!’

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ⋆✦⋆ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

‘Oh, Eunyoung, no,’ Johnny’s mother lunges across the kitchen counter, grabbing Katie by the waist and lifting her down from the stepstool, just as she was about to put her fingers in the cake batter.

‘Sorry mum/mom,’ you manage to eventually catch up with Katie, the one month old Connor in your arms, ‘I lost sight of her for like two seconds.’

‘It’s okay dear, you should be sitting! Wow I’m getting too old for this.. Where’s my son, he should be- John!’

Johnny appears in the doorway behind you, holding Verity.

‘Sorry, little miss spilled water all over herself.’ He lets Verity down, who scampers over to her Grandmother and twin sister.

‘Girls, how about you go play with your new toys?’ Johnny’s mother suggests, ‘let your mum/mom rest.’

‘No, I’ll help you with dinner-‘

‘No you will not,’ she fires back sternly, ‘you just gave birth. Go sit on the couch and relax.’

Sensing that she won’t back down, you retreat to the couch, where Jude is laying around on his phone.

‘Are you ok, mum/mom?’ Jude looks up from his phone in concern when you quietly whine in discomfort.

‘I’m good, just achy,’ you don’t think your teenage son wants the details of your postpartum body.

‘Can I do anything?’ He offers, forever the sweetest boy.

‘You could play with your sisters,’ you suggest, ‘stop them from getting in your grandma’s way.’

‘Okay,’ he throws his phone down, wandering over to the girls and feign excitement over their dolls.

Johnny helps his parents with the cooking, darting around the kitchen, pulling things off the hob, out of the oven and into dishes ready for the dining table.

‘Dinner’s ready!’ Johnny’s mother calls.

You place Connor in the crib you’ve brought downstairs, as Jude and the twins practically sprint over to the dining table.

‘Ah-ah, not so fast,’ Johnny chastises, ‘let’s carry a dish each.’

He gives the twins a cooler dish each, which they carry to the table and put down, before sliding into their seats.

‘You, sit down,’ Johnny’s mother swats at you when you appear in the kitchen and try to help.

‘Alright, dig in everyone,’ Johnny’s mother announces.

‘Kids,’ you begin sternly before they pick up their utensils.

‘Jal meogeotseumnida,’ the kids chirp in unison, Johnny’s mother laughing as they start stuffing their faces as soon as the last syllable leaves their mouths.

‘You’re welcome.’

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ⋆✦⋆ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

‘Hey,’ Johnny is sitting up in bed, orange glow of your bedside lamp illuminating the bare skin of his chest.

‘Hi,’ you’d just finished saying goodnight to Jude.

He wraps his arms around you once you’re in bed beside him.

‘I had the most perfect day,’ he murmurs sleepily.

‘Me too. Exhausted now.’

‘M’not surprised. But I love being in Chicago with you, and our family.’

‘It feels like home, doesn’t it?’

‘It is home. But anywhere with you is.’

‘You’re so cheesy,’ you cringe, ‘but I agree with the sentiment.’

‘Merry Christmas, I love you.’

‘Merry Christmas, John. I love you too..’

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johnnysuhballs · 10 months

Text

U need someone to care for u

johnny suh single dad x teenager y/n

tw: comfort, and happy ending, y/n toxic relationship w her father,self harm scars,

johnny (28) and y/n (14)

Your father was the first one to called ''ungrateful bitch'' and u said that he was literally ''monster'' and he physical abused to the point, that u were crying on floor and blood on ur face and lips..u got used to it and when u couldn't dealt with it anymore... you got a razor and cut urself and made scars on ur arms and legs etc... when it was the final straw u packed ur bags and ran away from home

johnny pov

johnny got out of the groccery store and he was abt to open the trunk to put the groccires bag in there, he saw a young girl crying and hugging her knees and when he saw blood on lips and face, cuts on her arms etc., he knew he had help her and get her taken care of...

so he walked towards her and bend his knees to reach her level

''Are u ok little girl'' johnny ask

little girl finally spoked and said "N-no Sir"

"why don't u come to my house.. so l can take care of cuts u have and they look very deep to be honest" johnny said

johnny went to cup her cheeks and of sudden she flinched

"is somebody hurting u" johnny asked

little girl said "Y-yes"

can ask abt what ur name is? johnny said

my name is Y-y/n

well my name is johnny

"well why don't get u out of here" johnny says

she nods

(2 hours later)

johnny unlocks the door and opens the door...

"you can sit down on the couch and l will attend to u.. but first l have to get first aid first" he said

y/n was toward the living room and goes to the couch and sits on it

johnny goes to towards y/n and sits right beside and gets the first aid kit and opens it and gets alcohol and bandages

"imma gonna put this alchol perioxde on ur scars and beware it might burn "johnny said

puts alochol and y/n makes a oouch sound..

after that johnny put bandages on the scars..

he asks y/n this...

can tell me everything that happened y/n? johnny said

u can take ur time and there is no rush johnny said

y/n takes a breath and starts talking abt her father used to be abuse and torture and called her slurs...

y/n told johnny abt scars on her arms and legs and she did bc she didn't want to be alive and wanted to be free

johnny was sooo shocked and mad that ur father did those things to u

"well now that ur done and clean up wonds.. we should start getting ready to go to sleep" johnny said

"but l don't have any pj's to sleep in" y/n said

"l will grab some of pj's and u can sleep in my other guestroom if u like" johnny said

ok y/n said

johnny gives y/n some pjs and she heads to the guestroom and changes in their..

and johnny knocked on the door and y/n opened it

"i will be going to sleep and if u need anything... my door is right down the hall" johnny said

y/n says ok and says gn to johnny

closes the door and goes to sleep

*5 months later*

y/n and johnny got along and talked more and johnny enrolled y/n to school

y/n is healed and recovered and being doing good in school and passing ur classes and tests

Johnny is gonna surprise y/n w adoption certifcation and johnny decided to adopt y/n bc he sees her as daughter

y/n l got something for u johnny said

johnny handles y/n envelope and y/n goes to the couch to read and starts crying but happy tears

she runs toward johnny and gives him best hug..

ty for helping me johnny and never realize this but l see u as father bc were they for me and always comfort and hangs out me bc my father didn't do that for me... but if they didn't saw or came toward me

i don't know where l would be... so tysm l luv dad

johnny starts tearing up w happy tears and hugs y/n and caresss her hair and gives her head pats...

sooo how abt we go watch an movie theaters and plays some games at the arcade

y/n said that sounds fun to me and lets do it..

y/n and johnny watch movie and plays games at the arcade..

THEY LIVE HAPPLY EVER AFTER... THE END

a/n: l hope u like this and if u go through this or self harm yourself or living a toxic home...seek help and don't be afraid to talk to someone u trust... seek help before it's too late

GBye celzens:)

(bc my name is cel, not funny at all.)

#johnny au #nct johnny x reader #johnny suh fanfic #johnny scenarios #nct 127 reactions

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lovesuhng · 6 months

Text

Wines and confessions - Johnny Suh

couple: johnny x fem!reader genre: fluff; a little bit sugestive; friends to lovers sinopse: in the middle of a drinking some wine, your friend makes it very clear why none of his dates work out

Johnny was at home, after a long day at the photography studio where he worked. It was Friday, he was ready to rest after taking a long shower, until he received a message from his best friend.

“You must be very tired, but I got some wine from the parents of one of my students. Do you know how rare it is for me to receive gifts at work? I’ll be at your apartment in 40 minutes.”

Johnny laughed at your message. No matter how tired he was, he always had time for you. You were a teacher at a private school, you taught some classes in elementary and high school. If Johnny's routine was tiring, your routine was even crazier. The two had been friends since they were teenagers, which didn't stop Johnny from feeling something more.

A short time later, they were lying on the couch in the man's apartment. Johnny was on his first glass, he liked to taste the wine, drinking it little by little, as well as researching more about it. You, on the other hand, were on your second glass, didn't understand anything about wine and drank any alcoholic drink as if it were water. You talked about various things, you about your students, Johnny about the various editorials he had to do this week.

“And how was your meeting with that model you photographed last month?” You said taking a sip of your wine. Johnny always went on these dates to try to forget the feelings he had for his friend, but he always found himself comparing his date with you and couldn't move on to anything beyond a simple dinner. On the one hand, he felt uncomfortable when you asked about it, but on the other hand he knew that you weren't to blame for anything, because he didn't have the courage to talk about his feelings.

“Same old thing. It was just dinner. I’m not in the mood to date right now.” Unless it's with you, that's what he wanted to say.

“It's not because I'm your friend, but you're one of the hottest guys I know, independent, polite, funny. Why are you still alone? I already know! There must be someone in that little heart and you don't want to tell me who it is. Wants to know? I'm going to introduce you to a friend of mine who is a teacher. She’s beautiful and you two would look great together!” You saw your friend roll his eyes. “Don’t even make that face! In addition to being beautiful, she loves photography. Hey!"

“I think you’ve had drink too much.” Johnny took the glass from your hands, making you stop blabbering about his love life. The man took advantage of his height, lifted the cup and laughed at his frustrated attempts to get the cup back.

“Give it back Johnny! I didn’t even get halfway through the bottle.”

“And you’re already talking nonsense, imagine if you put an end to it.”

With the jump you made to retrieve your precious wine, you ended up losing your balance and were about to fall, if it weren't for Johnny's big hands, which stopped your fall and made your bodies very close and your faces inches away from distance.

The exchange of glances was intense.

You had already become so close to your friend, but you didn't know if it was because you had been drinking, you had a huge desire to kiss him. You looked at his lips and found them very kissable, his honey eyes exuded love and desire.

It was the wine's fault.

The heart beating faster had to be the wine's fault.

You internally asked him to break his gaze, but he couldn't do it. In fact, any opportunity he had to be close to you was taken advantage of by the man.

“Do you want to know why I can’t date other people?” Johnny asked. The man's deep voice was leaving you stunned. You just nodded.

Johnny knew he was going to take an important step and that perhaps he could change the course of the friendship you had, but he knew that he had to do that at that moment. Then, he ended the minimum distance he had between you, bringing his lips to yours. Despite being a little confused, you surrendered to your best friend's kiss. It was all so new for both of them, but at the same time so right.

��I'm glad you didn't push me or hit me.”Johnny said with a smile on his face as soon as he stopped kissing you. “And don’t blame it on the wine because I know more than anyone that you need a lot more than that to get drunk.” He continued when he realized you were about to say something and ended up taking the words out of your mouth.

"Wow. It’s scary how you know me so well” You responded by patting your friend’s shoulder and realized you were still in his arms. “Since you can’t let go of me, could you at least tell me when you started liking me?”

Johnny was embarrassed, which was rare to happen, but he let go of him and placed the glass of wine that was still in his hand on the kitchen table. “I don’t know, I think I’ve always been in love with you, it just took me a while to understand that.”

"Can I confess something?" Johnny just nodded. “I loved knowing that your dates didn’t work out.”

"Oh really?" Johnny once again approached you and placed his hands on your waist. “So why did you always throw me at your friends?”

“I don't know, maybe seeing you with other people would take that feeling away from me." You said, placing your hands on Johnny's shoulders again.

“And what is this feeling?”

“That I’m in love with you.” It was time for you to kiss your best friend. If the first kiss was sweet, this one was much more urgent and hot. Johnny led you to the couch, bringing you with him as he sat down. Your nails lightly scratched the man's muscular arms.

Johnny's big hands, which had previously stopped you from falling to the floor, now fervently smoothed your thighs, which had been exposed because your dress had ridden up as soon as you positioned yourself on Johnny's lap. When the man's warm lips touched your neck, leaving a few kisses there, a signal alerted you and you quickly moved away from the man, leaving him confused, sitting on the couch completely out of breath.

“I better go, before something happens in this apartment” You said, collecting your belongings and heading to the door of Johnny’s apartment. “Oh, you better cancel your plans tomorrow night if you have any.”

"Why?" Johnny asked confused.

“Because we have a date. Be ready at 8pm.”

“Shouldn’t I invite you?” Johnny approached you once again, who was already outside his apartment holding the door.

“What year are you, John?” Johnny smiled and pulled you in for another kiss, but you surprised him by placing your hand on his lips. "No! Kiss now only after the date. See you tomorrow." You pushed Johnny into the apartment and closed the door. The man didn't understand what was happening, he just laughed at your behavior, because it didn't even seem like 5 minutes ago you were making out like crazy on the living room couch. It didn't take long for the doorbell to ring again. Johnny opened it without checking who it was, but was surprised when you threw yourself into his arms.

“Okay, I won’t be able to wait until tomorrow. I want one more kiss.” Johnny let out a hearty laugh, the kind where he threw his head back and left you completely in love.

More wines and confessions

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espresseo-cafe · 2 months

Text

a kiss & a dress shirt | johnny | oneshot

genre: syrup, fluff, valentine’s day special

pairing: johnny x fem!reader

bean count: 4.4k+

a/n: not me crying in singleness while writing this 🥹this fluffy coffee was meant to be posted a day ago but i kept rewriting because i wasn’t satisfied and now it’s longer than i expected lmao 👀 anyway enjoy my very late valentine’s day gift for you my beans ☕️💚

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

people have been talking about the popular trio in your year. they even got other students from different universities seeing them outside the gates after classes.

among the three of them were the handsome and musically talented lee taeyong, the smiling sunshine and varsity football player nakamoto yuta, and the ever sexy, volleyball loving sweetheart photographer johnny suh.

they were always the talk of the campus since freshmen year and their presence emitted a strong pull that you only knew how celebrities did. were they that attractive? yes. although the trio were indeed popular, most of them were gushing on the so-called “twins”: taeyong and yuta, with the latter being a transferee from osaka, japan.

the third one, however, didn’t have everyone’s eyes on him as much as taeyong and yuta. he was still talked about though, and they’d talk about johnny suh being the sexy one out of the three and only loved- and i quote: only talked about his bread-like abs during sport events.

it was a biased statement and agreed consensus that everyone had to which you beg to differ. there was so much more to him behind than his muscular physique, you guessed.

as the recent saying goes: “in every trio, there is…”and in this particular trio in your year, johnny suh, who hails from chicago, was the one to have got your attention the most. he was your type, so much that he was the only one you noticed behind the sparkles that shone around the other two.

johnny simply stood out. and quite literally. he was mysterious like a cat, but aggressive like a tiger in the court.

you weren’t one to be so smittened with just anyone. your heart has never been swayed this much as far as you could remember. because you- out of your friend group at least- was hard to please and very choosy.

mina at the moment asked how you managed to have a crush on johnny. and you smiled so stupidly recalling how he stood in front of you and used his hand to block a powerful spike that nearly hit your face.

you remembered the gush of wind that swept in front and his perfume that was oddly refreshing despite it being mixed with sweat. looking up, there was one feature of his you definitely liked. and you simply answered, “he.. saved me from a spike.”

and by the time you looked up at her while your fork spun around the pasta, never have you ever seen mina with an expression that was close to a meme.

“that’s it?” she put down her spoon. “you fell in love because of that?”

you rolled your eyes, “i’m not in love with him, it’s called a crush. they’re different.”

she giggled softly, “well it’s leaning towards that, y/n. i’m glad you finally opened up your heart this time.”

lisa laughed at that comment, “clearly at someone real and not a fictional character. johnny’s in my photography major. he’s usually alone but he got people staring at him more than the actual professor in every lecture.”

“and you’re telling me this because?” you chewed on your food but still maintaining eye contact with her.

“because despite being the “sexy one”, i heard he’s single and is planning to ask someone out in our year for valentine’s.” lisa shrugged and snorted at how you choked on your meal hearing that.

mina gave you a glass of water and lightly slapped lisa’s shoulder, “you good? i mean, y/n, this is your chance to ask him out too.” making you cough on your drink. your best friends turning to each other and giving each other a high-five.

“they’re probably just baseless rumours, girls.” you wiped your mouth, trying to ignore whatever they were saying.

though at the back of your mind, going on a date with johnny suh was a wishful thinking. you guys were friends to begin with, acquaintances rather, through lisa and taeyong’s relationship.

the faint cheers and giggles from your table had johnny’s group of friends looking. taeyong smiled at his girlfriend lisa, who was obviously aware with the fact she might’ve told you about how johnny’s current relationship status was.

yuta nudged the sides of taeyong’s waist, “you think johnny will ask any of lisa’s friends? we could go on a triple date this year.”

taeyong sipped from his juice box, his doe eyes never leaving her side profile. “you bet, johnny’s already decided on who to take for valentine’s.”

yuta crossed his arms, his black nail polish evident on his fingers. he grinned while he stared at a certain someone. “he better not take mina, i got dibs on her.”

“who says i’m taking mina?” the guys immediately turned around to see johnny behind them. johnny took a peek the girls they just conversed about. “i’ll be asking y/n out for valentine’s.”

the two snickered at him, “about time. but you say it as if it’s your first valentine date ever.”

“please, i was asked more than you two combined but i expected that they always want one thing. so i declined.” johnny pointed out blankly and the guys knew already.

“shoot, a one night stand after the date?” yuta licked his lips before breaking out in a laughter. “well someone’s choosy. you are built better than us so i get what the girls want.”

johnny just smirked at the ridiculous claim he has heard quite a number of times. for once, he just wanted to have a normal date. the previous dates he went on before weren’t what he wanted or even looking for.

taeyong put his bag on the bench while they all sat around the table. “so what made you decide on taking y/n this year?”

johnny’s reddening ears caught the guys beside him off guard. that alone already confessed so many things. “i like her.. like a lot. i think it was since the beginning of the semester.”

taeyong’s smile faded when he felt that johnny was serious. and he knew whenever his best friend johnny is that serious about something, he’d do anything to make his point clear.

yuta, on the other hand, was just enjoying what he sees and decided to tease the boy a little more though he was quite scary. “so that’s why you did that move? when you saved her from the spike a while back?”

johnny coughed on his lunch, he was busted. never had he experienced anyone putting him on the hot seat before because that was his job in the first place.

the boys decided to tease him further more the whole lunch by saying you were probably asked by other guys already because today was the 13th. johnny’s eyes widened realising he’s lost track of time.

you should still be available, right?

his eyes searched for you, hoping you were still around and definitely still have the 14th vacant for him. he felt his heart beating out of his chest and didn’t stop its speed when he spotted you laughing with lisa and mina.

he didn’t care what other people would think. he knew the effect he had on almost everyone by being the tall, sexy, young man he was referred to.

but they wouldn’t know the effect you had on him at all.

they wouldn’t know how much he liked you. til today.

so he stood up, putting his nervousness behind him and walked up to where you were. “y/n.” you looked up to the sweet voice that called your name, so mesmerised with the fact that your crush is literally in front of you.

whispers and chatters of students around the cafeteria made you nervous. you knew johnny though you thought you were dreaming, you couldn’t stop thinking about one thing: ‘why me?’

johnny’s hand reached into his pocket and took out four tickets. those you recognised as movie and amusement park tickets respectively. “i don’t normally do this so i’m just as nervous as you are..” he scratched the back of his head, ears as red as his cheeks. “y/f/n, will you be my valentine this year?”

mina and lisa squealed in a happy panic while shaking each other’s shoulders, with lisa taking a photo to commerate a historical moment. “this is it!”

your ears heated up and your eyes never left his face. johnny too, couldn’t keep his eyes off of you. you were beautiful in a way he couldn’t explain. sure, you weren’t exactly his type before but now he was certain you ticked all of his boxes.

blinking a bit, your mouth couldn’t stop quivering into a smile. you were so lucky today.

johnny didn’t like the suspension that he was almost breaking into a sweat. were you going to say yes-

“yes.”

he gasped, and he bit his lip. “y-yes?”

“mhm.”

johnny curled his fists and punched one into the air. “oh my g- yes!” hearing his friends behind him howling and cheering, he sighed a puff of relief. then he regained his composure and said rather confidently, “thank you. i’ll pick you up tomorrow at 10am?”

“the movie’s at 9, johnny.” you shook the tickets before standing up to go to your next lecture. “so i’ll see you earlier then.”

he watched your figure leave the cafeteria with your friends, giving him a small wave and a smile. and he was dazzled. his crush on you was getting somewhere.

other girls ran up to him and blocked his way with questionable faces and tried to hand in their letters and chocolate to him.

“johnny, why did you ask y/n? i’m better!”

“she’s a nobody!”

“you could’ve asked me instead!”

“so unfair!”

“ugh do i have to wait next year again?”

taeyong could see the discomfort in johnny’s face but still found it funny how he never broke eye contact at you.

“boy’s smittened.”

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

lost in thought, you weren’t sure how long you were standing in front of your full length mirror so early in the morning. sighing, you should’ve listened to lisa last night to wake up early.

and now she’s nagging at you with a toothbrush in her mouth. “what did i tell you? we’re all dressed up but you.”

you rubbed your eyes to remove the sand that built up overnight. “yeah but my clothes got dirtied by mina and her coffee.”

mina gasped as she curled her hair, pointing her curler at you. “in my defense, who puts their outfit on the dining table?”

raising your hands, you admitted defeat. “me, okay? i woke up late. so save me a lecture.”

the girls laughed, they knew you were nervous as heck for your first ever valentine’s date. it was a first that johnny himself asked someone out in public even though he was a very private person. but they also knew how you and johnny suh were a good match. it was undeniable.

so lisa took something out from a paper bag and gave it to you, saying to save it for tonight.

taking a peek at the item, you screamed in disgust and threw it back to her. “lisa!”

“what?” she laughed, her pearly whites and smile was so contagious that it made mina laugh as well. “might as well get on with it!”

you slammed the table with your hands, “ha? i’m not that vulgar! i’m as innocent as an angel!”

mina snorted like a pig would do and disagreed with you. “says someone who was staring at his shirtless volleyball pictures on instagram last night.”

your cheeks heated up so much that it crawled straight to your ears. “i- i’ll go get ready.” walking away to your bedroom to look for something else to wear. good thing you had a back up outfit.

“yuta texted, said that they’d pick us up in thirty!” mina turned her screen off after reading the notification.

“shut up mina!” your voice behind the door made her shake her head in satisfaction.

“the pressure’s real now, isn’t it, y/n?”

“mina said they’re almost ready.” yuta put his phone in the pocket of his jacket. then seeing johnny checking himself out on the rearview mirror as he drove to your shared apartment with the girls. “dude, chill, you look great.”

johnny smirked before parking briefly. as he and the guys went out of the car, you three came into sight all dressed up. and he swore he actually took a step back when his eyes set on you.

you sported a light lilac puff sleeved dress that had a knot around your waist. the ruffled hem of the dress reach an inch & a half above your knees. and you paired the whole outfit with white sneakers and a light yellow headband.

johnny blushed, and he feigned an innocent cough to cover up his growing flustered reaction. this.. this was what he meant with how you had that effect on him. he was quick enough to change his expression before the rest of the group looked at him.

mina, yuta, lisa, and taeyong looked at the both of you and just realised how your outfits matched. johnny’s outfit was similar with yours; an oversized purple dress shirt, a white tank, cashew coloured pants, a pair of white sneakers, and ending the whole fit with a pale mustard yellow bag.

johnny freaking suh was dashing this morning.

“we didn’t plan this, did we?” johnny broke the silence, before walking towards you.

he brought his hand out, asking permission to hold yours. you pressed your lips together and did what he requested. strangely enough, his hand had a very nice warmth.

he pulled you closer to his side, putting his arm around your shoulders gently. you could hear your heart ringing in your ears. he was too close for comfort but for crying out loud, he wasn’t just any person, he was johnny suh; the guy you very much liked.

“we’ll be late for our breakfast movie date, see you guys later at night.” he signaled his friends and yours, shaking his car keys on his free hand.

while you both turned to a corner a few streets away from your building complex, johnny released his hold on you. stunned, you saw how tensed he was after acting all tough.

that amused you a lot. because behind that intimidating and manly exterior, was a soft and nervous guy on a date.

you wouldn’t say you were any different either, because you were just as tensed as he was. “you okay?”

johnny finally looked at you, “sorry, i’m not usually like this.”

then it hit you.

“is this your first valentine’s date?”

“a proper one, actually.” johnny sighed while looking at his watch, “crap we got ten minutes ‘til the movie starts.”

your eyes widened and didn’t think for a second,. “well we don’t want to be late now, do we?” looking at the town just a few blocks away. “i’ll race you.”

johnny was in shock and broke out into a cackle. “okay. but don’t blame me if you lose.”

“don’t underestimate me, suh.” you grinned, already sprinting away from him. gosh were you happy you chose to wear sneakers today.

the movie was a re-showing of spiderman: no way home. and you heard that johnny was a huge spiderman fan. luckily for him, you were into movies from marvel. except for the recent ones, we don’t talk about those.

after the morning date, johnny had everything planned out. the next agenda was to go for a stroll in the park to take photos and to your surprise, he really lived up to his reputation.

you’ve come to learn that johnny got this passion from his mom, who also took great photos of him when he was younger.

johnny looked at his camera’s viewfinder and spotted you smiling under the rising noontime sun. he hitched a breath, you were so beautiful, and he found himself falling in love even more.

“you hungry? it’s almost lunch time.” you asked him, breaking him out of a daze.

“yeah!” his voice came out all funny, “i booked seats at a restaurant just there.” he pointed at a crowded street. “you good with sushi?”

he was sure his heart melted when you jumped in excitement. “omg i love sushi! let’s go!”

as you walked to the crowded street, johnny felt stares at him that made him uncomfortable. you weren’t oblivious to this though, your sharp eyes caught how even random ladies your age would fuss over the model like young man beside you.

hearing whispers on how handsome he looked and how he was an ideal type for all, you knew he was tensed. so you didn’t think twice to hold his hand and pulled him, walking across the crowd.

it was like how you knew his mind was occupied, johnny felt at peace when he felt your hand on his. “i heard we could get a discount if we go in as a couple.. for today.” he heard you say and your eyes smiled at him. “you good with that?”

finally, a considerate question. someone who apparently spotted his vulnerable self and someone who actually cared for him. you were so different than the previous dates he’s had.

“yeah.” he smiled at you, staring at your tinted lips that called onto him. then he mentally slapped himself for thinking that so early.

lunch was actually quite enjoyable, johnny kept the conversation going and he was unexpectedly funny. putting in one-liners and cracking a couple of jokes filled your stomach with laughter more than the food itself.

he was attractive, loved and intimidated by many, and he was idolised by many sport enthusiasts. to see your crush take you out for valentine’s and witness how he really is in person was something you’d like to keep. and he was just a normal goofball.

a cute kind of goofball.

“if you stare at me for too long i might as well kiss you.” he teased you while he plopped a sushi in his mouth.

“with that salmon sashimi in your mouth? no thanks.” you teased back, catching johnny off guard and he coughed. you chuckled and gave him a glass of water. “sorry about that.”

“that was unexpected.” he cackled, “but that only told me that you’re willing to kiss me.”

you only shook your head, “maybe. maybe not.”

again johnny was taken aback by you, did you have feelings for him for you to say such a thing? today was a friendly date, but would things be different if you both actually have mutual feelings?

he didn’t want to get ahead of himself yet he hoped something good would happen today.

“bill please.” johnny gestured to the waiter, taking his wallet out. his peripheral vision caught you taking your pouch out as well. “it’s okay, y/n, my treat.”

“but-”

“i know about the half and half payment situation going on. but since it’s valentine’s day, let me treat you.” placing his card underneath the receipt book.

“okay, but it means you’re treating me the whole day though.”you closed your wallet, smiling regrettably at him.

johnny just smirked, “unless i score another date with you.”

your cheeks heated up again. smooth, johnny suh. “alright.”

“let’s go to the amusement park?” he stood up, letting you go first to exit the restaurant.

you nodded excitedly, today was going to be a long day for you.

for the whole afternoon, you and johnny rode quite a lot of rides there was in the amusement park. even stopping for a cotton candy and a churro snack break in some of them. and just like johnny, never had you ever experienced a date as fun as this.

two of the last things you both did were the game stalls and bump cars. he bluffed saying that he’d win you a teddy bear even though he really liked it. it was then you found out that he loved stuffed toys. it should’ve been a turn off but for you, it wasn’t. it was actually adorable.

you both ended up carrying two giant teddy bears after being competitive with each other.

johnny brought out his digital film camera and took shots to remember the whole event. he was enjoying himself and couldn’t wait to actually have more with you- if there was going to be more anyway.

he knew he was in love you for the longest of time he knew you. and he couldn’t help but think you did as well. he loved the way you still looked so pretty after you hair was in a mess during the bump cars, smiling and having fun with him.

getting off the bump cars while the sun painted a hue of pink and orange, you both walked towards the turnstile to exit. he checked his phone for a bit while when he noticed people looking at your behind.

until he spotted a bright red stain on your dress. you probably didn’t know you had your period today. locking his phone, he took off his dress shirt and wrapped it around your waist.

for the bystanders who witnessed this, it felt like slow motion that it was a scene worthy to be penned for a romantic movie.

you gasped a bit at the very close proximity with him. “johnny?”

“excuse me for this y/n.” he said softly by your ear. “you’re on your period, so i had to cover your back before more people see it.”

his low velvet voice gave you goosebumps and then realised how embarrassing it was to have him do that. when your eyes met with his, his apologetic smile made you fluster so much.

what you didn’t expect was the now sleeveless johnny- was just as flustered as you were. not sure how long you were staring at his beautiful brown eyes, also at his plumped lips. you decided to break the awkward silence.

“oh my gosh.” you covered the lower half of your face. “i need to go buy sanitary napkins.”

johnny coughed briefly before letting go of your waist. “.. right. i’ll wait for you when you’re done.” taking one of the bears while the other one sat on the bench.

making your way to the girls’ toilet after purchasing a pack of napkins, you slapped your cheeks in embarrassment. your period should’ve arrived after the date. now johnny had to walk around in his tank top for the rest of the evening without his dress shirt.

his dress shirt.. ah whatever. you told yourself.

johnny’s expression lit up when he saw you exiting the toilet, still feeling bad for you but eased up when you smiled. “well since i do have my period, i’m suddenly hungry.”

he snapped his fingers and laughed at your reaction on everything. “great, one last hurrah. i booked a reservation at a french restaurant. heard ladies shouldn’t consume anything oily.”

your mouth went agape as he skipped away with the two teddy bears. “but i was craving for burgers and fries!”

“well you’re having baguette and framboise tonight, young lady.” he called out and laughed once again. and that actually made you chuckle.

“you pronounced ‘framboise’ wrong!”

after you both finished your meal at the fancy french restaurant, you still felt bad about his dress shirt while he must’ve felt cold throughout dinner. it must’ve been stained by now. johnny was quick to pay attention, he licked his lips and rubbed his chin as you both walked back home.

so, the whole valentine’s day was productive; morning cinema and breakfast, a scroll in the park, lunch at a sushi restaurant, amusement park, and a french cuisine dinner. a total package. johnny really outdid himself on this one.

he wished today didn’t end so soon.

and so did you.

“i had fun today, johnny. thank you for being my first valentine ever.” you bit your lip while doing a repetitive tiptoe movement.

johnny ruffed your hair, “i’m glad you liked everything. i hope we can do more of this.”

your eyes lit up, he enjoyed your company. “definitely. but hope this-” you gestured to your ‘accident’, “- doesn’t happen again.”

“y/n, don’t worry about it.” he spoke out, letting you know it wasn’t any problem for him at all.

you scratched the back of your head, “thank you, and i’m so sorry, johnny. i promise to wash it and return it to you.”

he held your shoulder, “it’s okay. keep it. i’ve got an extra one.”

“maybe you just want me to remember about it.” you playfully rolled your eyes and johnny chuckled.

“or maybe i wanted to imprint you.” he stared at your face, then to your lips for a few seconds before laughing. “i’m kidding.”

he waited for an answer but you just blinked at him, looking at his lips that was the distraction the whole day. he took that as a cue that maybe you also wanted what he thought of too. but he didn’t want to act recklessly.

it was quiet for like ten seconds. and ten seconds felt like forever. you felt like your heart was going to explode and johnny felt a rush in him to just go for it.

he put down his bag and the stuffed toy, pulled you closer to him. his hand placed around your back and the free one by your jaw. your face was close to his and you both could feel the tension that was evident in the air.

and even though it was like that, you loved how johnny had the decency to ask your permission before anything.

“can i kiss you?” he asked softly, his eyes trailed to your lips once more before back to your eyes.

the way you were lost in his gaze, how your eyes moved its attention to his lips, and a small nod was already a signal for johnny to make his move.

the grip he had on you tightened a little and you both shared a kiss under the lamp post that was outside your apartment complex. you didn’t know long it was until you and johnny’s smart watches alerted, saying:

“detecting abnormal heart rate.”

stopping almost abruptly, you both caught your breaths after a mutual understanding of your unsaid feelings towards each other, you and johnny softly laughed.

“does this mean we’re official?” you asked nervously, holding his forearms. johnny pinched your cheek as he hugged you gently, swaying you both around and you sniffed in a quiet laughter in his chest.

“well y/n, we’ve already imprinted on each other so.. yes, we’re official. my valentine.”

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ljnsdump · 1 year

Text

TIMELESS (Johnny x F!reader)

Johnny x F!Reader

We’re a mess, you and I. But the truth is, you captivate me in ways no soul ever will.

Genre: M/F, established relationship, angst, fluff, college setting

Warnings: johnny's mom is deceased in this story, mention/indication of cheating, light indication of choking but still very mellow and just cute

Word Count: 1,419

This is my second story published! This is just very mellow and heart warming and definitely the kind of love story that you’ll only see in books. I just had this idea in my head at 3 am on April 15, 2022. Hope you enjoy reading as much as I enjoyed writing it. Imagination is the key.

Read at your own risk.

------

It's been a week. A long fucking week. Y/N misses Johnny so much. They're not in a long distance relationship, one of them is not temporarily away, none of them is unreachable, in fact, they see each other everyday in uni.

"Dude, just go get her if you miss her that much!" His friend Mark says when he sees Johnny sulking in a party. It used to be Johnny and Y/N who always came together at parties, making people envious of their relationship. The hot, sexy captain of the football team and the even sexier, hotter, bitchier cheer captain. His hand is always wrapped around her waist in public and fingers wrapped around her neck in private just how she likes it.

Johnny shakes his head and doesn't say anything. For once, Y/N should be the one to lower her pride, she's the one at fault after all.

Y/N didn't even come to this party, she's having her own sleepover with a few friends in her apartment. "Girl, your man's at the party I am telling you." One of the girls shows her the IG story from one of the people in the party. Johnny was seen in the video smiling and watching those dancing and playing.

This wasn't a sleepover, this was just a distraction for Y/N to stop herself from going to that party because of her pride. It's like gathering CIA agents to investigate and spy over one person.

"He's not talking to me." She whines. "It wasn't my fault that I misunderstood the situation. I mean if he and the girl went out at the same time from the men's room then one would assume that they hooked up!"

Then one replies, "But then didn't." Finding her reasoning ridiculous. "The girl went out ahead and not together with the boy she hooked up with because she was scared they'd be busted. They already apologized to you even."

Y/N pouts. "But still. Why is Johnny not talking to me?"

"Maybe he just wants you to admit that you were wrong?"

Another adds. "You were yelling at him even if it really didn't happen and didn't even bother to listen to him."

"Are you guys really my friends?!"

"Yes!" They all yell together.

"But we're on the right side of the argument."

Nonetheless, tomorrow came. It's Saturday and it's usually the day when they both visit the grave of Johnny's mom. They visit every early in the morning, lighting candles and bringing fresh flowers.

Y/N decided to go still. She'll feel bad if she doesn't. But she'll go in the afternoon to avoid Johnny.

In the morning, she decides to wash clothes, clean her shoes and her car. Normally she would do this with Johnny, after they visit the cemetery. Then they'd order lunch. They'd eat by the balcony overlooking the city, judging those people walking on the streets. Then in the afternoons they'd go on a date, it may be a picnic, movie, shopping, watching private events, operas, and at night they'd always be so exhausted.

She frowns and puts her clothes down, deciding not to do it and goes to her room to sob. Y/N scrolls over all social media platforms and looks at every story of their common friends and even Johnny's just to know where he's at right now.

"What could he be doing?" She mumbles.

Then she decides to keep herself busy. From the storage room, she took out a big box. It contains candle making supplies, they both ordered it before because it was so fun to do. She lays everything on the counter.

Firstly, she puts a few cups of wax in the melting pot. Then once it's melted already, she pours the fragrance oil cocktail she made, the color and of course glitters.

And of course a little burns and blisters could never be avoided, especially that she's not wearing gloves. She just groans and continues still. She left it on the counter to set after pouring them into the molds.

Then she sleeps the remaining time until her alarm goes off at exactly 3PM, completely missing lunch but she wasn't hungry anyway. She goes to check if the candles have set already, then she prepares herself as well. She puts on black pants with big white heart designs on them and a baby blue crop top. She puts the candles on a box, picks up her keys from her drawers.

Dropping by at the flower shop, she picks her favorite big bouquet of carnation flowers. The shop owner was already familiar with them because they've been buying flowers there every Saturday ever since.

"Oh, I thought you weren't coming today." The lady says.

Y/N smiles. "Well, kinda had to push it in the afternoon. Got busy in school." And lies.

"How about your boyfriend?"

She tries to maintain the smile. "He's still at practice. I just picked these up so we can go right after."

Y/N finally gets out of there, and she never thought she was suffocating until she got out of that door.

God, she just misses Johnny so much.

When she gets to the cemetery, she brings the candles on her right hand and the flowers on her left. Walking a couple of meters towards Johnny's mom's last resting place.

When she gets there, she lays the candles down first and then the flower. There were no new flowers other than hers indicating that Johnny didn't come. She cleans the area first, collecting the dried flowers and leaves together first then lighting up the candles. She squats on the grass.

"Tita, how are you? Did Johnny come and visit?" She starts. "I don't think he did but I brought you my favorite flowers and I made these candles myself as well. I'm sorry I didn't come with your son today, we just had a minor argument. I know I may sound petty but it wasn't like I'm just the only one at fault. He got mad at me too. Why would he get mad? I was just scared that I'd lose him. Where else can I get another Johnny in this lifetime?" She chuckles. "Anyway, yes, I give up. I'll go and apologize to him. I can't take it anymore, I just miss him so much. And next time, I'll make sure it's gonna be us together coming here again. Watch over Johnny all the time, Tita. Cheer for him, bring God over to watch his games." Her eyes start to water. Did she mention that she missed him? "I need to go now, I'm so hungry. I haven't eaten anything since this morning. Love you!"

When she turns around, she sees a pair of familiar shoes and when she looks up it's Johnny just intently looking at her. First, she pouts, stopping herself from crying but later she gives in and goes to hug him so tight. He smiles and does the same, caressing her head.

"How long have you been standing here?" She mumbles against his chest.

He just chuckles. "I heard everything, baby." Kissing the top of her head again and again and again. "I've made up my mind, I'm definitely gonna marry you."

Y/N laughs and punches his chest. "How did you make up your mind?"

"It's how even when we're not on good terms you still visit my mom, you bought flowers, you made candles," He pauses, bringing her hand up seeing the burns on it, he immediately kisses them each. "I've never been so attracted to anyone this way."

"That's because I miss you." She replies. "And I'm so sorry for being petty, and proud, and unreasonable."

"Don't worry, you can be petty, proud, unreasonable and whatever, I'll still be with you."

She finally lets go of him. "Go on, say your prayers and light your candle."

He sits on her spot before and lays everything beside Y/N's. "Ma, her promise was fulfilled right away." He chuckles. "Thank you for leading me to meet my wife, my life, my woman. I'll make sure to take good care of her because there's no other Y/N in this universe. I miss you, I love you, I wish you were here, but also it's good that you're no longer suffering from your illness. So, I love you."

He stands up and meets Y/N's eyes with a smile.

"Love." She mumbles.

"Hmm?"

Pouting, she says. "I'm hungry."

"I heard."

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rosietaeyongswife · 2 years

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water under the bridge | johnny

WATER UNDER THE BRIDGE

PARING: johnny suh x reader

GENRE: established relationship, angst, break up

WC: 10k

SUMMARY: johnny and you were dating for more than three years for now. collage passed quick and you were two lovebirds who tought they found perfect match. after all the years johnny feels like they aren’t meant for each other. you can not let go of johnny so easily because you’ll fight for him and even tho you’re not meant for each other you still loved him.

TW: cursing, alcohol consumption, mentions of sex

being a student at university in chicago was fun to you because it was new adventure in your boring life. also, united states of america were much different than south korea so you could learn new things outside of your country. parents are always worried about theird children but when you annouced to them you are going to study abroad in states they almost had a heart attack. they knew you were very ambitious person and with your grades you could do anything you want but they were scared of their little y/n being alone in a new country. after a lot of fights and conversations they gave in. it was new chapter in your life and you were more than ready for it.

well you were ready for everything but not for your future boyfriend called johnny. study in states wasn’t that hard as you tought it may be so you have much more free time than expected to have. going out and meeting new people was your pleasure and fun way to get away out of routine you were afraid to be stuck in. that’s how you met johnny. a tall man was hanging out with his friends when you and your friends came in to the club your friends knew pretty well. as soon as johnny saw you he knew you were going to end up together in some way. the way you looked at people dancing on the dance floor or the way you smiled at whatever your friend said was mesmoraizing to him. he wanted you from the very start of this relationship. ready to let go of anything and have a talk with you he approached you.

“hey. are you student from chicago’s university?” handsome stranger asked you while you were sipping a drink. “because you look so familiar.”

“oh i am. my name is y/n.” you smiled. “i study english at the university.”

“english sounds dope. my name is johnny by the way.” he giggled. “i study informatics at the same university i suppose.”

“that’s for sure. are you here with your friends?”

“yeah, one of my friends has a birthday today and they wanted to celebrate so bad here that i gave in and came here.”

you couldn’t focus at anything he was saying because he was looking at you with his deep eyes and you were lost in them.

“say happy birthday to him from me.” you giggled. “would you like to dance? i mean, we are at the club so we should dance like others do.”

“i think we should.” johnny smiled. “may i?”

johnny offered you his hand and you took it with big smile on your face. dancing on the dance floor of some random pub in chicago was one of your best memories because you were dancing with a stranger to biggest hits and you had a lot of fun. you even forgot about your friends who were gone for the rest of the night. it was first time meeting your future love.

next time was at university when you and your friend melissa were in cafeteria eating your lunch. most students had a lunch break now and cafeteria was full but sadly a lot of items was sold out including your favorite strwaberry milk you always drink.

“y/n c’mon. let go of it.” mellisa rolled her eyes. “you are going to buy another one tommorow or something.”

“but without it i feel uncomplete.”

“then you should came here sooner. sorry not sorry but it’s out. let’s find a seat and-”

melissa didn’t finished because a tall man was standing next to both of you with warm smile on his face and a strwaberry milk on his left hand.

“you can have mine.” johnny handled it to you. “i don’t usually drink milk and you need it so have it, please.”

“oh no. i can’t have it.” johnny laughed. “wait i’m going to pay you. how much was it?”

“y/n don’t be silly and take it.”

johnny hanled you his milk, and you took it shyly.

“thank you so much. you don’t have to, i can-”

“you can go out on a date with me.” johnny shrugged. “you know. to thank me for this milk i gave you. it would be nice of you.”

“yes of course.” mellisa looked at you with eyes wide open. “yeah, we can go out. it’s not such a big deal.”

“cool.” johnny smiled. “here’s my phone number. call me when you’re free and we can go out somewhere nice.”

“alright. see you johnny and thanks again.”

“no worries.”

johnny walked off while you and mellisa were staring at each other for more than ten seconds. she was surprised you knew who he was and he asked you out.

“do you even have any idea who the hell he is?”

“uh, johnny suh?”

“it’s not just johnny suh.” she said with grin. “it’s one of the most popular guys in his year.”

“wait.” you went to sit. “how old is he?”

“two years older i guess.”

“oh shit. he graduates this year?”

“right. girls from his year are head over hills because of this man. he is the most handsome giy you could seen here. i mean it.”

you grinned and looked at the strawberry milk you were holding.

“so he is a playboy.”

“no, he is not.” mellisa snapped. “girls want him but he rejected every one of them. propably he had never dated anyone from this university of something like that. he is single for a long time as far as i know.”

“oh then it’s cool. he maybe have a high standards or something.”

“maybe he does. not sure.” she smiled. “you don’t even know how lucky you are to go on a date with johnny suh himself. many would kill for a chance with him.”

“mellisa it’s just a regular date. i don’t think he would be into me much since johnny seems to have a high standards towards women. besides that.” you opened the milk. “it’s just a date nothing extreme or promising.”

“we’ll see about that. i feel like both of you start dating each other. i am telling you.”

talking with mellisa made you realize who are you going on a date with and all you plans were ruined because she was right. it wasn’t reagular date but date with senior who girls fantazise about. a perfect man who has everything. someone so perfect must have high expetations towards their partners and it was stressing you out.

“what the hell?” you said as soon as you saw when johnny drove you. “are you kidding me? we are here for real.”

“yes we are. we are going fishing my dear.”

you have been expecting anything but for sure it wasn’t fishing at the ten pm. there was literally no one but just two of you and river where there shouldn’t be any fishes but you had no idea to be honest.

“it’s so original. i would never guessd you would get me on a date to fishing.”

“of course. who would do it if not me?” he smiled proudly. “i hope you will learn quickly and we would have fun together.”

indeed you did have a lot of fun. being on the edge of ground while fishing was so fun and you would never imagined yourself in such a situation. both of you were laughing out loud and crying because of laugh. you even caught few fish which was surprising. after this you could lay down on some grass while drinking cheap as bears johnny bought on his way to date with you. he was always unique and hated boredroom so that’s why he took you out on fishing. also, that’s why he didn’t buy you some expensive wine but regular bear.

“i have never had this much fun in my life.” you smiled warmly. “thank you johnny. i had time of my life wishing with you.”

“i am glad to hear that. i also had a lot of fun. i can’t remember when i had spent such a nice time with anyone. wish i could do that more or do any other cool things. you know.” he looked at the river. “i’m tired of being perfect and doing boring things.”

“if you’d like to we can do other cool things together.” johnny looked at you and you panicked. “i mean it’s not like i am asking to be together. i just wish to have more fun in my life and if you also has this problem then we can go out more.”

“ah sure. it’s not like you asking me to be your boyfriend.” johnny teased. “i think it’s dope. we have to spend more time together to know each other and have fun right.”

“of course.”

“then maybe we should go on urban exploring?”

as soon as you heard him say it you were shocked. you had been thinking about urban expoloring and how fun it is but you had never made any attempts to actualy do it and here you are sitting, drinking bear with johnny by river after fishing session.

“i’d love to do it. i am lowkey scared but it would be fun.” you giggled. “but where would we go? i have no idea. i don’t know any haunted places or worth seeying.”

“let’s say i have few ideas in my head for it.” he took a sip. “oh my god. we are going have to by bike and it’s only one here we can borrow.”

“shit. i am supposed to be home for an hour now.”

“we’re kind of drunk.”

“oh lord.”

johnny get on bike first and you sat in front of him on little stick on bike.

“are you ready for ride of your life?” you only nodded and held him tighter.

ride to your home was kind of crazy because johnny nor you could sit still and bike was moving to the sides which cause few falls but nothing serious. both of you were riding on a bike drunk before midnight. not a single sight of people and just peacful night with your date. it seems like scene from books but you were actually living through that scene. you have known johnny for over few days now but you felt safe and happy next to him.

as soon as you cameback you had a ton of butterflies flying all over your stomach after tonight’s date with johnny suh. it was your first date as a young adult now. last date you have been on was in second grade of high school with some weirdo who asked you out. smile appeared on your lips as you were thinking about events from just a few hours ago. out of excitment you texted mellisa who wanted to know how did it go.

when you were at university mellisa would ask a lot of questions and would give you some advices about johnny. she had knew few people including jung hoseok who was his classmate. for a few things he would tell her anything she’d like for you to know. that’s how you were well preapered for a date with him. everyday you were waking up you were happy no matter what even dumb exams at uni didn’t make your mood drop. you developed crush on johnny and it was keeping you busy most of the time. everyday you would text with johnny or hang out with him at cafeteria or at chill rooms.

you: i am back.

mellisa: oh shit

mellisa: how did it go????

mellisa: did he take you to this expensive ass restaurant at the other side of chicago?? answer.

you: we went fishing lol

mellisa: you went where?

mellisa: you’re kidding right y/n?

mellisa: WHAT THE FUCK

mellisa: JOHNNY SUH TOOK YOU OUT ON FISHING?

you: yeah but it was so cool

you: i had a lot of fun with him

you: we were fishing and drinking some beer who didn’t taste that bad tbh

mellisa: i expected something more boujee

you: thanfuly no <33 i had time of my life with him. we are going on a next date on urban exploring

mellisa: so johnny suh is a damn weirdo instead of hottie from senior year

you: lol

you: he is better than that

mellisa: gtg, glad to know you spent good time :)

rumours about you two dating spread in speed of light because johnny was literally crush of majority of women on university. even few proffesors felt shy around him because of his apperance and overal aura. few girls would come to you to ask about your relationship with johnny but you weren’t even dating. johnny at the other side didn’t answer their questions but instead of he would smirk and walk off with smile. you weren’t dating yet. it’s going to change in a few days.

“johnny where are we going?” you asked with bandana on your eyes. “i need to know like for real. it’s our fifth date and i want to know what’s another weird place we would be at-”

before you ended your sentance, johnny took bandana off of you. to your surprise both of you were in a small diner. there were wooden furniture and lights all around. place was basically empty only two other people eating by their tables. right next to this diner was a landscape of big buildings and empty road.

“today we are not doing anything extreme.” johnny took your hand and lead you to your table. “we are going to have a nice conversation at this chill diner. hope you don’t mind that y/n, cause if you want we can go do something fun.”

“are you kidding?” you snapped. “it’s amazing. i love this place. it’s so cozy and comfy as hell. being here is also fun johnny. i like it.”

“cool.” he smiled. “i ordered our meal and dessert. i had no idea what to chose so i hope whatever i ordered, you are going to like that.”

“i am not picky eater, and thank you for your efforts.” you smiled warmly. “i really appreciate how much efforts you put in our dates and it made me feel so lovely. and oh my god. johnny thank you.”

johnny was looking deeply into your eyes as you were speaking to him. no matter what was going on around both of you, it felt like it’s just the two of you in here and no one else. johnny felt safe besides you.

“it’s just pleasure to see you happy and enjoying our little dates. i am glad to know you like that and you still go out with me.”

“how can i not? johnny you’re literally one of the most pefect human being out there.” you giggled. “i am more than joyful to be here. with you.” you added whispering.

“of course. time with right person passes quickly and nice so yeah. our company is enough.”

both of you were talking about some minor things when a older woman came to your table handing your dishes. she was also asian and she was smiling widely as soon as she saw johnny who also smiled at her. she was looking at both of you now and couldn’t stop.

“uh my little johnny finally brought a woman.” she pinched his cheeks. “how you like my grandson, my dear? isn’t he lovely?”

“grandma.” he complained. “don’t embarras me in front of her, please.”

“no, it’s fine.” you smiled. “yes, he is very cute indeed. i am y/n by the way.”

you bowed down, and she did that too.

“nice to meet you y/n. i hope you will take good care of my grandson. he is already 24 and finally brought a woman to my diner. i am more than grateful our little johnny found a girlfriend.”

“grandma please. we aren’t dating yet.”

“i feel it deep down you are.” she pet his head. “enjoy your meal and your date. bye y/n.” she was walking away but turned away. “you can come here often if you like the food. it’d be nie to see you two again.”

she winked at you, and was now gone while you couldn’t hold you giggles in for too long before you were laughing out loud together with johnny.

“she is so nice, oh my god.” you laughed. “why didn’t you tell me it’s your grandma’s place?”

“becacuse i wanted to tell you later.” he shook his head. “it’s very special place for me and i wanted to bring special person here.”

heat went up to your cheeks.

“i am glad i was that person for you.”

meal you ate was one of the best. it was so deliciours you ate everything and wanted to came here more. dessert was also very good and you made a mental note about this place and food here. as soon as both of you were done with your meals, johnny and you payed and thanked his grandma.

walking to the closest store to buy some wine, johnny was thinking if he could hold your hand but wasn’t sure if it was right time. you kinda noticed he was trying to catch your hand but before he had haned you, he would pull away. after nth time you just grabed his hand as soon as it was possible, making johnny’s hear doing back flips.

bench of beach you were right now was empty. no person in a sight but just dark water and sand. as you were sitting and talking with johnny while drinking some wine both of you had this weird feelings inside. it felt different than other times.

“y/n, for how long have we known each other?”

“i guees four months passed.”

“right. four months already passed since we are going out on our dates and i know what i am about say will sound silly.” your heartbeat speeds up. “do you want to be my girlfriend?”

your heartbeat was so fast it almost jump off your body. moment you’ve been waiting for already came to reality. johnny is asking you to be his girlfriend.

“of course. i’d love to.”

you hugged him tightly and johnny was giggling to himself. finnaly he could have you for himself only. you’re officialy johnny’s suh girlfriend. it’s going to be your best time of life.

“y/n can you come here?”

johnny voice made you came quickly from your bedroom to living room when he was sitting with breakfast. it was his day off from work and you tought both of you would spend it together.

“what’s up?”

“i’m going to hang out with my co-workers today.” your smile dropped. “i think i will be back tommorow evening because we tought of going to busan.”

“okay. have fun.” you smiled politely. “who would come with you? if you don’t me asking, of course.”

johnny felt little annoyed at your question.

“me, doyoung, hoseok, jongin and sooyoung i think.”

“alright then. do you need help with packing or making food?” you went to the counter. “i can make you dinner and-”

“no, i don’t.” johnny hissed. “i can get it done by myself. it’s like 9 am, aren’t you going to do something?”

“not really.” you said with little smile. “if you need something call me. all your clothes are in laundry at the basement. your shoes are at the closet but in our room since one in corridor is broken.” you tought of important things he might need to know. “if you need any medications you can take them from kitchen.”

“thank you.”

johnny didn’t even look at you. without saying anything back you just came back to your bedroom and lay down. lately things with johnny were much more complicated than usually because stress in his work is growing on him and he needs to focus on work first. at least that’s what you were thinking. past two months are weird and you noticed shift in his moods and actions towards you. johnny try to be as nice as possible but you feel like it’s his duty to do. it’s forced.

even kissing seems like a duty. neither of you would speak up about it and just pretend as if nothing has happened. you do your job, and he does his. sometimes you would talk in living room but there is no intrest in conversation at all. not mentioning last time you had sex. johnny is always tired and you just feel uncomfortable asking about it.

“y/n.” johnny walk in while you were reading a book. “i’m leaving. i’ll text you later and please. do not contact me until i do. i am not a child.”

“yes johnny.”

he looked at you last time, and left. johnny didn’t even say goodbye nor anything like “i love you”, he just left. you had weird feeling about it but you tried to brush it off. couples do have crisises in their lifes and you were going through it. couples usualy work things out and maybe a little break from each other helps in it.

three years passed so quickly you didn’t even notice when. during your university years every girl was jealous of you and your boyfriend since both of you were stereotypical ideal couple from college. it was happiest moments of your life. being with johnny taught you so many new things and made you help in learning about yourself. you were growing up by johnny’s side.

his friends also liked you. especialy jongin and hoseok. they would always praise you when they visited johnny and johnny always felt proud when someone was talking good about his girlfriend because you were his partner. sometimes johnny would get jealous but with time he just didn’t care much about what they were talking about you. it became just a routine for him - everyone loved his beloved y/n. but with time it made him annoyed whenever someone mentioned you. johnny was out with friends to chill not to think about his girlfriend.

“maybe both of you should talk instead of ignoring each other?” mellisa rolled her eyes. “few years of dating and you lack in comunication. you are adults now and ignoring wouldn’t help.”

“i am scared of it. i don’t want to talk with him if this would make things worse”

“what’s there to be scared of?” she laughed. “he is your boyfriend. it’s not like he doesn’t love you anymore.”

“it’s not.” you agreed. “but i don’t want to annoy him more. he had a lot of preassure lately at work and i don’t want to add problems in relationship to it.”

“but y/n. if you feel like something is off with your love then you should take actions. problems won’t solve by itself honey. just be a little more confident and ask him if somethings wrong at work or in general.”

you knew mellisa was right but you couldn’t get yourself together to ask johnny about anything since he is triggered easily. johnny was like ticking bomb, wrong move and he will explode causing another fight.

a week passed and you still were trapped in your toughts when you were doing food for johnny since he will be up in five minutes. for a moment you zoomed out and didn’t notice johnny was talking to you.

“sorry.” you said when you felt pinch to your arm. “here’s your lunch.”

johnny looked at you with weird gaze.

“yeah, thank you. what have you been thinking about?” he asked while he was doing his coffee. “it’s seems like you are zooning out pretty often.”

“about us.” you whisper. “i am thinking about us for last few weeks, johnny.”

“what’s there to think about?” johnny sat with his cup and confused face. “i don’t understand why would you be busy thinking about us while there’s everything fine.”

“there is not.”

you snapped and johnny could only hiss.

“what do you mean.”

“i mean it’s not the same. you always busy with work and you have never time for us. i am also busy with my job but i try to make time for you but there is none. what was the last time we were out on a date?” johnny couldn’t remember. “you ignore me and you get mad at me for smallest things ever. i feel like i am trapped in a cage with you.”

johnny tried to play it off but deep down he knew what you were talking about. he couldn’t explain why does he need to avoid you. he couldn’t explain why he was angry at you for dumb things.

“i am sorry.” you sat down next to him. “my boss is making me do a lot of work lately. i am busy 24/7, and new things in job are on their way. i try to do my best but i can’t. there’s still preasure on my shoulders. i’m sorry for not paying much attention to you. i promise as soon as i’ll have my work done then we would spend some time together, okay?”

you nodded, and johnny hugged you. for first time in a while, he felt guilt. he felt guilt for making you uncomfortable and sad because of his stupid actions. you were his lover and he was so bad for you these past weeks. johnny knew he had to make it up to you.

“mrs. y/n.” your boss was standing infront of you. “i tought i made it clear that your work have to be done due to today. why aren’t you done yet?”

she was holding up papers of informations needed to have work done. she made you stay over hourses just to do work you were supposed to do quickly which was quite impossible in such a short amount of time.

“i am so sorry but i don’t think it’s enough time. there’s still around five pages to check and another five to write.” you were looking down. “five days wasn’t enough for me, and i am sorry for it.”

“sooyoung.” a taller woman stood up. “plase, take after y/n and do it until midnight. i know you wouldn’t let me down like others.”

“of course. it will be done quickly.”

sooyoung was looking at you with rude eyes. you couldn’t believe your boss gave her your work even tho sooyoung was lacking in a skills you had and was much less competent to your job. all you could do was to sit down and stay still. after the meeting everyone was busy with rest of their work and you was mad that sooyoung took over after you.

“i’ve heard sooyoung took your work.”

jongin smiled at you with cup in his hand while he was standing by your desk.

“don’t make me mad again jongin.”

he giggled and sat down on your desk.

“don’t be so angry. it’s not a big deal, and i am sure she will fucks it up easily since it’s sooyoung.” he laughed and bowed to you. “if not her father she wouldn’t make it here.”

“i know but it’s so frustrating. it was supposed to be my deal.”

“of course it was. but try not to think about it much.” you smiled. “by the way. why aren’t you eating? it’s lunch break. i saw johnny at cafeteria with hoseok.”

“i am busy with work.”

“screw this. you have to eat to be healthy and to concentrate well.” jongin stood up. “get your ass with me and let’s go eat.”

“jongin, i would like to but i have to do it.”

“stop complaining, and go.” he rolled his eyes. “would you like to eat pasta? i am craving it for such a long time now.”

“sounds good.” you hissed and get your things.

jongin was your boyfriend friend’s. he was just a year older than he is and he would treat both of you as his closest friends. jongin took care of his friends and of you. he simply liked you and wanted you to be happy and healthy as his other friends. when you were passing cafeteria, you noticed johnny, doyoung and sooyoung hanging out together. johnny was laughing at whatever she was saying and doyoung was busy eating. you haven’t seen johnny in such a mood in a while.

“so how was your time in busan?”

jongin looked at you confused.

“busan? i haven’t been there in a two years.”

“but johnny-”

“ah.” he laughed. “i couldn’t come. he was there with hoseok and sooyoung.”

“why did he lie to me?” you felt your heart clench. “he told me that he will go there with you, doyoung and two of them.”

“i have no idea. i told him week before tha i can not go.”

“sure, it’s nevermind.” you brushed it off. “why couldn’t you go.”

“i had to go help my parents. they adopted a dog and they’re still learning how to take care of him and oh god.” he pulled his phone. “just look at him. it’s golden rotveiler. he is still a puppy because he is around six months now. his name is cho since it’s means handsome.”

small puppy popped on a screen and you felt cutness attack. little doggo was sitting on his parents knees while they were petting him on head. picture looked so cute it made you pet him.

“he is so cute. bring him with you or came with him to us.”

“when i be able to take care of him for a day or two then i’ll come to you and johnny. cho is friendly dog and i am sure he would like to visit both of you.”

“sure he is. then i can’t wait to see little cho and play with him.”

few hours passed to 8 pm and you finnally could be back at home but to your surprise johnny was already home because door were unlocked.

“what were you doing with jongin at lunch break?”

it was first time johnny asked you when you threw yourself on a couch.

“we were eating?” you were annoyed. “it was lunch break. what else we were supposed to do?”

“eating.” he hummed. “i don’t understand why would my best friend be alone with my girlfriend during lunch break, eating outside of work.”

“johnny plaese. don’t be delusional.” you hissed. “i have no complaints when you spend time with sooyoung or eat with her instead of your girlfriend.”

“y/n, what are you saying.”

“why didn’t you tell me that doyoung and jongin couldn’t attend your silly tour to busan?” you asked with raised eyebrow. “i don’t mind her going with you but why did you lie to me.”

johnny was confused because he didn’t think you would find about truth.

“because doyoung had to stay at work, and jongin had to help parents. we had already restaurant and place at hotel reserved then we went there.”

“whatever. i don’t understand why would you throw a fit over my meeting with jongin.”

“because you didn’ tell me.”

“and you didn’t tell me about this trip without them or your lunch with her and doyoung. by the way, i didn’t know she makes you laugh so hard.”

“are you for real?” lough giggle left his mouth. “you’re jealous over sooyoung? it’s sounds so stupid y/n. you’re insecure and that’s why you’re mad at me for being around her.”

“i am not insecure. it’s just bother me when you hang out with her and enjoy it more than you do with me.”

“i don’t enjoy being around her more than being around you y/n. don’t be dumb. she just asked me earlier if i want to eat with her and doyoung and i agreed.”‘

you rolled your eyes because johnny was really making excuses when it’s come to him.

“sure then. i’m glad that’s how you see it.” you smiled. “it’s the same way with me and jongin. you didn’t have to be mean to me because i was at lunch break with him. let’s end conversation here.”

johnny tried to say something but before he could, you were already in your bathroom. arguments with johnny were pointless because he could never see his fault in anything but blame you for smallest things ever. it was tiring at some point.

“mum, i don’t know if johnny will be free in the friday.” you sighed. “mum, i have to ask-”

“it’s your cousin marriage annoucment. you have to be there together with johnny. i haven’t seen him in ages.” she laughed cutely. “ask him then and be there around 6 pm. don’t buy or cook anything, alright?”

“yes. bye mum.”

johnny and you haven’t spoken to each other for two days and now your mum called to ask you to come. you wish he couldn’t be there because he is busy or something. you didn’t want to go there while being mad at each other. people would notice quickly and ask awkward questions which would make you uncomfortable.

another thing on your mind was sooyoung. it’s not like it’s her fault but she was your enemy at work and yet johnny has good relationship with her even tho he knew about all your issues with her and vice versa. you heard she was lesbian but no one has ever confirmed it to you and johnny’s behaviour towards her was strange.

“wait.” mellisa said. “your cousin is getting married? hyemin?” you nodded. “then it’s great. she was lonely for such a long time and now she is going to be married soon.”

“good for her. i just don’t want to go there while me and johnny were fighting lately. it’s going to be uncomfortable.”

“again? y/n maybe johnny needs space. both of you need space.”

“space? what you’re talking about.”

“i am sure when both of you couldn’t see each other for few days both of you will gone crazy. maybe it’s the solution.”

“i am not sure about that one.” you smiled at her. “it’s far more complicated than doing breaks.”

“i know but at least it would help figure things out.”

space for sure wasn’t something you want with johnny. you loved him after all. you just wanted the best for you and johnny.

“i should talk with him.”

“why it’s always you. he should start conversation not you. again.”

“i know but he isn’t going to do so for sure.”

“then talk with him.”

as soon as mellisa was done with her drink both of you left small pub and came back to your homes. it was wednesday and johnny won’t be home because of work so you didn’t expect anyone at your place. alcohol was working on you slowly since your mind went fuzzy and you couldn’t walk in straight line. few strangers looked at you with raised eyebrows and few just laughed when they noticed you. when you were in front of your door you couldn’t unlock it due to your hands shaking.

“fuck.”

you murmured under you breath. damn key couldn’t wen in to the lock and it was making you so angry, you were crying out of frustration. after alcohol you always cry due to smallest issues which wasn;t such a big deal in majority of situations.

when you still tried to go in, doors opened by themselfs and you could see johnnys sillhoute.

“what are you doing?” his gaze and voice soften as soon as he saw you. “y/n you’re drunk. come here.”

he took your hand and lead you into your apartament. he sighed to himself because of your state and care he will have to take of you. smell of alcohol but more speceficly vodka and some whiskey was getting into his nostrils and he was annoyed at smell. you were stinking because of drinks you had an hour before. bathroom was covered in your clothes, as johnny put you in your bathtub. you were sulking all the time.

“johnny.” you moaned. “why do we fight so much? i love you the most in the world, and you are mad at me so quickly. why?” you sulked. “did i do something wrong?”

“no, you didn’t y/n. it’s nothing serious. couples fight sometimes.” johnny run a sponge on your back. “we are fine. i am not angry anymore. see? we’re good.”

“my mum asked us to come at party to their house. my cousin is getting married but i am not sure if you will be able to attend.”

johnny looked at you and smiled softly. his hurt was aching because of how hurt you sound.

“i can do it. when’s the party?”

“friday at six.”

“then we will go.” he was running water down your hair. “i am free and you are so we will be able to see your parents. i missed them.”

“me too. i want to hug them.” single tear went down your cheek. “they wanted to see you.”

“and i am glad to hear that. look down.”

johnny ended your bath but as soon as you were put into the pijamas, you had to throw up. johnny was holding your hair high while you were down on your knees and throwing up to the toilet. after you felt better, johnny brushed your teeth and took you to the bedroom.

“do you love me?”

johnny was caught off guard.

“yes i do. y/n you’re drunk go to sleep.”

“so what. i am drunk but it’s seems like you don’t have. when was the last time we kissed? or had sex? or just hug each other?”

“we haven’t got enough time for it y/n. now sleep and can talk in the morning.”

party starts in a few minuts and you’re in the car with johnny. ride to your parents house wasn’t awkwards since you and johnny made up with each other. johnny apologized to you and atmosphere between you two have been much more easier. during car ride none of you spoke since you liked silent rides in a car. it brought you comfort of safe place with good person.

everyone was eating, cheering, drinking or talking with each other. the youngest members of family were walking around johnny and you since both of you were their favorites among relatives. your mum was taking pictures of everyone having fun because she would love to make an album with photos of her family being happy. as soon as she saw you with johnny together running after kids she had to take a picture. she wishes one day you will be running after your own child.

“come here minyeong. we are going to store, can you stay here alone or you want to go with us?” you asked your boyfriend who was exhausted.

“i am good. please, buy me ice cream too.”

“chocolate one?”

“chocolate one.”

you smiled and left. johnny was finally left alone after long lastings games with children who begged him to play with them. living room was full but everyone was busy with talking and sociolazing sine such an events aren’t frequent among them. young man just sits on the couch and check his phone but quickly after he could feel presence of someone next to him.

“hyemin is getting married soon but when you are going to marry y/n?”

question made johnny dizzy. he looked up to meet your aunt with wide smile on her face. he had never tought of getting married yet. he wasn’t ready to ge married but johnny couldn’t simply imagine family with... you. that question made him annoyed and realized that he had never imagined or wanted to share future with you. family with you. johnny didn’t want to get you pregnant or see you in a white dress.

“we have a lot of time.” johnny laughed. “we are still young but i don’t think anytime soon.”

“aish, johnny.” she slapped his shoulder. “why do you want to wait? you’re getting only older and y/n won’t forever be this pretty. beauty ages, my dear. think about it.”

johnny nodded and aunt left him to go to her children broking glass in the kitchen. tought of marriage, kids and future were going through his mind and he couldn’t focus anymore. well, johnny never tought about it but since your aunt asked he realized it’s not for him. at least not in this relationship with you. his hurt aches because it wasn’t supposed to be like that.

“here’s your ice cream.”

“thank you.”

you left quickly to talk with your cousin and your parents. before you left you looked one last time at johnny and you could tell he was busy thinking about something. johnny at the same time was thinking about his choices and life with you. a lot of things went into his mind since he understood how your relationship looks like. you don’t have much in common. opposite hobbies and you dislike what he likes and vice versa. both of you can’t comunicate well but try to make it up. his toughts were stuck together and more, more and more cons came to his mind while thinking about you. frequent fights are just cherry on top. maybe you aren’t meant for each other?

“dude.” jongin rolled his eyes. “what the fuck did i say?”

“uh-”

johnny couldn’t answer his friend’s question because he was day dreaming.

“what’s with you lately? nevermind. boss wanted you to adjust page for our new client and asked you to come see him after you’re done.”

“ah, thanks jongin.”

older male left with raised eyebrows because of weird behaviour of his friend and co-worker. doyoung was sitting at the other side of office so jonging approached him.

“do you know if something happened to him?”

“i have no clue. he’s like that for a week now.”

“you think it’s because of y/n?”

“most likely.” doyoung looked at johnny. “he mentioned they were fighting and they had made up but still.”

“alright, thanks.”

at the same time you were happy doing your job. mellisa smiled when she noticed your smile and even sooyoung didn’t bother you much. your life was getting slowly together because work is only easier, johnny and you talked and your social life is good. also, you are financly stable and you have no worries for now.

your work today had ended at two pm so you could get to home to make lunch for you and johnny since he will be home in an hour. at the time lunch was gettin ready you cleaned whole place. your being felt much better since it was clean in your apartament. before johnny walked in you made him coffee.

“shit, you didn’t have to all of this.” johnny said as soon as he entered living room. “thank you so much.”

johnny kissed your lips, and hugged you which was first time in a while. it wasn’t that forced.

“no worries. hope you will enjoy it.”

johnny smiled but deep downed he was disapointed in himself. he practiced what he should confess you he would like to take a break or break up completly. he wanted you of course, you made a lot of great memories but it wasn’t enough for none of you. you deserved better. someone who will understand you no matter what. johnny wanted to do it today but he didn’t want to fuck up things you have done for him.

days went by and you felt only better whan johnny feel drained. his mind is at one place and he can never get rid of toughts of break up. he feels like it would be the best since it’s clear you’re not meant for each other but he is scared of breaking your heart.

“y/n can you sit down?” you did as he told. “i think we should talk about it since it’s growing on me more and more. i can’t live like that. both of us should take a break from each other.”

“what?” you were suprised. “i tought we had good time, that we are working things out.”

“we’re not. please, it’s drianing me to the core to do it. i can’t be like that with you since you deserve someone who was destinated for you. i have no idea how to put it in words.”

“johnny we’ve been together for such a long time and now we are broking up?”

“it’s for the best.” he sighed. “i can take things and move out in two days if you don’t mind.”

“of course.” you sobbed. “thank you for everything.”

johnny walked off since he was afraid of crying in front of you. sight of you crying was enough to make him regret his words and whatever he was doing. doubt was hitting him like a knife stabbing his heart. grip tightened on a phone and not clear vision. johnny just broke up with you.

all your friends were concerned about you. no texts from you. no calls. you took week off from work. last time you left your parent’s house was a month ago. parents tried to talk with you but you just ignored them. no one could understand pain you are going through due to break up with love of your life as you tought. you wanted to hug johnny and talk with him. think about other solutions instead of breaking up. you loved him and at some point johnny loved you but it’s seems like faith isn’t at your side.

“dad.” you rolled your eyes. “i don’t want to talk with you.”

“y/n you can’t be locked in your room your whole life.” he scremaed. “left the damn room and act like a human.”

at some point he was right. but you couldn’t help the feeling of loneliness. being wihtout johnny was empty. you felt useless. like some part of you disapeared and can’t come back. your toughts were interrupted by ring.

“what are you doing here?”

you snapped at man standing in doors of your room. it was johnny. he was holding boqute of roses.

“i’ve missed you.”

“now? now you’re missing me?” you hissed. “get the fuck out.”

“let’s talk. your mum called me-”

“why the fuck would she do it.” you raised an eyebrow. “damn it.”

“y/n, plase just a few minutes of conversation.”

“there’s nothing to talk about. we are done.”

“we are but i wanted to see you.”

“what are you playing?” you hissed again. “don’t play with me and my emotions.”

“i am honest right now. i was stressed without you.

“do you want second chance?” you asked strictly. “that’s why you here?”

“not really but i’d appreciate it.” johnny smiled. “i’d like to try.”

“do you think we deserve second chance?” you asked while holding his hand and he nodded. “if you say so.”

month later and you still are in a relationship with johnny. you were happy about it but at the other hand you felt not enough. you were scared johnny will break up with you again even tho he hadn’t give you any signs. image of perfect girlfriend made such a impact on you it was frustrating becase you tried your hardest to show your best side to johnny. also, johnny stopped being so harsh on you. he was soft while being around you. he had felt like second chance wasn’t right choice but it’s seems like he never can make it out the door. he can never leave because he lost all the courage to do it. johnny tought that both of you deserve second chance but it’s impossible. he feels like both of you fail in this relationship but at the other hand he can’t seem to let go. memories hold him tight along with your voice. whenever he sees you all he could think about are memories of you two. everything you have done together. but johnny treats them as past. he never come backs to them and leave it behind. none of you mentiones memories you shared together.

“are you going to make a dinner?” you asked when johnny was standing with pan in his hand.

“i’d like to try.” he smiled. “but i have no idea how or what to do.”

“it’s pretty easy. whatever you’d like to do.”

you smiled and johnny could only whine. in terms of food it was you who cooks here but him and it was one of the thing he tought that could get you close.

“i want to make vegetables with rice.”

“i am not sure if we have everything.”

“then we should chceck.”

johnny was looking for chicken, rice and other ingredients but there was small amount of everything he needed.

“it’s fine. i can go to grocery store.”

“will you? thank you so much.”

store was less than one km so it didn’t take you long to go there. while walking you had different feeling in your chest. something was wrong and you could feel like it was warning. it was driving you crazy how stupid it was.

dinner was good and to bo honest johnny was a good cook. everything tasted just fine and he seems to be proud of himself. after cleaning it was around ten pm and johnny felt heat. something shifted in him. all of sudden he felt need of touching you. feel you.

“i’ve missed doing that.” johnny whispered by your neck. “please, let’s do it tonight or i’ll explode.”

your heart skipped a beat. johnny haven’t touch you in a two months or more and now he is desperate to do it. even tho you wanted to do it you still weren’t sure.

“it wouldn’t be good if you explode.” you giggled

johnny was kissing down your neck and came to your lips. kiss was like a mark of your love which was complicated. both of you let go of any toughts and just went straight to the business.

an hour passed, and johnny was already sleeping but you couldn’t. sleep didn’t want to happen and it was making you annoyed. you will have to be up at seven and you’re craving good sleep but it’s seems like your mind has other plans. all you could think of was johnny. sex with him felt wrong and different. it wasn’t making love but it was.. just sex. empty. that’s how it felt to you and you had no idea why. you loved johnny but you felt it’s not the same from his side. for last month he tried his best but it didn’t feel right. it was fake. your intuition tried to warn you but you are ignoring it.

17.10.2021 was a date when johnny asked on a meeting. it wasn’t date. for sure it wasn’t. deep down you felt that something that happenes today will make your life different. not sure what but you kind of feel coming to an end. johnny is going to be at home around seven and then take you to the place he choose. you still had some time so you managed to get dressed in a beautiful red dress johnny bought you on your second anniversary. black high heels, pair of pearls and light makeup with red lips. you even straighten your hair because you wanted to feel pretty tonight. your guts told you it’s night changes. changes will happen tonight for sure. looking in to the mirror made you smile softly because you looked as beautiful as ever.

“i can’t believe we’re here.” you said when you saw similiar diner. “i’ve missed this place so much.”

“me too. i tought we should visit it.”

johnny tried not to look at you too much because he couldn’t focus.

“your grandma still take good care of it.” he nodded. “nothing has changed.”

“yeah, it’s seems like we’re on our date from three years ago again.”

“i know right.”

johnny made an order and you waited. his grandma smiled widely when she noticed both of you having a table. she was happy because of her grandson and his girlfriend.

“it feels differet now. maybe place is the same but our goal is different.” both of you giggled but it was one of this awkward ones. “it’s so awkward, oh god.”

“i know what do you mean, johnny.” you smiled even tho you felt like crying. “if you’re going to let me down, do it gently. i can’t live any longer in such a situation.”

johnny already felt scared.

“we’ve spent perfect three years together. every thing we have done together is preciours and is one of my most valuable memories. i love you y/n and i’ll will for sure for some time more. i wish we could spend more time together but we’re in blind spot.” you didn’t want to cry but tears were faster. “we’re not meant for each other. i guess we don’t feel each other gasps. we’re too diferent and we are fighting way too much. our passion on love disapeared long ago.”

“johnny don’t tell me you love me. maybe you did a long ago at some point but if you’d love me everything would go another way. our love is like water under the bridge. it’s a past we don’t regonize today.” few tears wend down your cheeks. “maybe i’m not the one for you. i mean, for sure i am not. we don’t fit each other as we tought, don’t we?”

johnny felt like he is going to lose it when he saw you crying.

“i tried to make our time better. i wanted to but it’s impossible. maybe in another universe we are bond to be together.”

“i hope we’re happy in another universe.”

“for sure we are. it’s hard for me to do it but we have to part our ways y/n.” single tear went down his cheek but he was fast to get rid of it. “i’ve spent my best years by your side. i am thankful for everything we had. i am thankful for you and your presence in my life. i don’t know what else should i do.”

“you see, i didn’t want much. i have never asked you for much all i wanted was you to love me but unierse has other plans towards us. i still love you but you’re right. our relationship is past and we’re not meant for each other. i want you to be happy with me but it’s not possible.” you smiled through tears. “please, take care of yourself and find your other half in some time but don’t do it too quickly.”

man in front of you knew what you meant. even tho you’re in present you think of past. whole relationship is past now. johnny suh is now your past.

“of course y/n. just know i’ve truly loved you and i appreciate you today. our love wasn’t enough to keep us together back in days.” johnny didn’t notice when he was crying. “it’s hard to let go of person you spend most of your life with.” he giggled sadly. “let’s eat and move on.”

all you could do was to nodd. johnny and you split ways after few years. time was right but it was wrong person. love you had in yourself wasn’t supposed to be johnny’s but someone else who was mystery for now. for today you know it but you don’t want to let go of you, now, ex boyfriend. you wish it was a nightmare and you wake up to johnny holding you tight.

grandma noticed both of you were crying. she was confused because johnny didn’t tell her anything specific about your date.

eating while crying was different kind of pain and you felt like an idiot. johnny didn’t even look up because he would start crying again and he knew his grandma was watching both of you from afar.

“it was lovely time.” you spoke while getting up. “i’m going to go. take care of yourself johnny.” he was looking at you but you avoid his gaze. taking your things you left.

grandma was looking at you with concern. “aigoo, why are you crying? did something happen?”

“no.” you smiled. “food was amazing as always. thank you.” you bowed.

an older woman didn’t have a chance to ask another question since you already left moving towards bus station. she just looked at her grandson and come there quickly.

“what happened?” she sat in front of him and johnny just couldn’t keep it in. he was crying like a little boy. “aigo, my child.”

older woman came to him and held him tightly, comforting him.

“me and y/n broke up.”

“aish, my love.” she whispered. “that means you weren’t destinated. i am sad she wasn’t the one but there is no reason to let yourself down. you need time.”

half a year later

your life changed a bit. you dropped job you had to get hired in a new company. your friends and co-workers tried to make you stay but you knew if you do then you will never get rid of johnny, and you will never be to move on. besides your new job was much better and they paid you ten times more. thanks to money you earned you could buy a small house at the edge of the town. it took you a while to move on from johnny. many nights and many crying hours passed until you were able to get over him. you declined any contact with him to avoid feelings and ache in your heart.

“i am so proud of you now.” jongin took a sip of coffee. “i am glad you’re doing good now. and i’m glad we’re basicaly neighbours.”

“me too. it’s good to have you next to me and thank you. i feel better now.”

jongin and you were in johnny’s grandma diner.

“don’t you think about him no more?”

“i don’t think so.” while talking you were looking at the view and you could remember memories of you and him. “i still love him deep down but i don’t think about him much. i am free of him.”

“good for you. your healing process is done now. it’s time for you to open your heart to other people. stop liviing in the past and live your present.”

laugh and giggles could be hear around you. you felt at peace now. while your conversation, mrs. suh was looking at you with warm smile. she adored the way you was now much happier than she had ever seen you before. she also wished her grandson was the one with you right now but she knew it’s not supposed to be like that.

“ma? what you’re looking at-”

johnny asked but quickly went silent when he looked at the spot his grandma was looking at. sight of you laughing with jongin made him sick. all the memories hit him in a seconds. he could only stare and watch both of you having fun.

“i think it’s her other half she needs.” she whispered to his ear. “they’re meant for each other johnny. i see it in the way they look at each other.”

“he is my co-worker.”

“so what?” she slapped him in the shoulder. “you can’t take his happines to granted because you’re friends at work. i guess she still loves you and isn’t ready for relatonship but when it will happen don’t do anything stupid. she doesn’t know yet.”

“if that’s what makes her happy.”

of course johnny had a bit of feelings to you. they have never disapeared completly and it was killing him. he had no idea it was jongin who was supposed to yours from the beginning and not johnny.

while you were talking with jongin, you could feel someone was watching you. at the corner of your eye you caught well known sillhouete of your ex boyfriend. johnny was looking at you few more seconds and was gone. sudden urge to cry took best of you but jongin was there to take care of it. jongin was comforting you while you were crying because of love towards your ex.

couples aren’t perfect from the beginning and in the most cases none of them were meant for each other just like you and your ex. everything comes to and end and that’s how your relationship looked like. past. it was painful past you can’t live in forever. johnny suh was your past and love both of you shared was like a water under the bridge - unspoken past.

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taelme · 2 years

Text

treacherous

genre: regency!au (with some tweaks ofc), kind of secret romance, painter!johnny, marquess!johnny (mild angst, a lot of fluff im telling yall this was self-indulgent) pairing/s: Johnny / Reader (ft Jaehyun and oc (reader’s sister)) word count: 26k+ (love language strikes again) tw: brief mentions of a parent’s death, mentions of food, reader has a tense relationship with her mom? mentions of religious imagery summary: in your search for love in a material world, you find the acquaintance of a poor painter and discover what it means to feel safe to trust, to be vulnerable, to love—and everything in between a/n: very self indulgent!! (this technically can be read as a standalone but reading enchanted before this can help with context!) was definitely zoning out during my lessons thinking about this johnny.... can yall tell im in love? may have died many times writing this ... definitely was difficult to edit because i was giggling throughout as though i wasn’t the one who wrote it. themed on treacherous but i’d love to hear if you found any other tswift song easter eggs inside!! happy reading read on ao3

There were many rules any supposed self-respecting or ‘well-bred’ gentleman and lady had to abide by in the world you lived in—rules that ensured the protection of a culture, that shaped character, that cultivated virtue. You were very well-versed in such rules, having been fed every conduct manual your mother could get her hands on from the time you were able to read.

You would internalise all that you’d read, taking the words seriously and living by the advice given, moulding yourself into a daughter who was perfect as and when you were judged by the book. Perhaps that was what your mother hoped, that her daughter would agree to being mothered by conduct books.

Of course, that wasn’t quite the case. You read them, surely, but whether you lived by them was an entirely different matter.

The first thing to note, a lady like you was expected to wait to be introduced to a gentleman, and never introduce herself.

“Would you stop fidgeting? How impossible is it for you to just sit still for a moment?” your mother clicked her tongue in distaste, her voice soft enough only for you to hear, but her tone no less cutting.

You glanced at her blankly, shifting in your seat once again before turning your gaze back to the field before you, the crowd of people around you waiting for the races to start. Frankly, the appeal of a race for you lay in watching the horses, how gracefully and strongly they galloped, oblivious to the money being placed behind their speed.

But you knew why you were here, it was hard for you to forget.

“It’ll be nothing short of a miracle if anyone finds you desirable with your horrible manners to show for yourself,” she huffed, turning to your father who was sitting beside her for some sort of support, only growing more annoyed when she saw that he was otherwise unbothered by your fidgeting.

“Spare her, she’s still new to all of this,” he murmured.

“Her sister wasn’t like this when she first debuted,” your mother retorted, earning a sigh from your father.

Your sister, who was now away on her honeymoon with the viscount she married. As much as you were happy for her, you would be lying if you said you didn’t miss the support she gave you, especially during times like these where it seemed you would be caught in the crossfire of your mother and father’s disagreements.

“Are they not both ladies? You have to stop treating her like she’s still a child,” your mother murmured harshly, making you shift in your seat uncomfortably, “the sooner you do that, the easier this whole process will be for all of us.”

Now, you couldn’t hide behind the fact that you were young. You were out in society, expected to be looking for a marriage partner, but you still found yourself feeling intimidated by the number of people here knowing that they weren’t looking at you as anyone other than a lady to be married off.

Thankfully enough, you spotted a familiar face (or they spotted you), your gaze landing on a family friend, a bachelor named Taeyong under the tentage next to the spectator stand.

“I’m… going to say hello to Taeyong.”

Your mother hadn’t acknowledged you with anything but a huff, so you took that as a greenlight to leave, straightening your posture in an attempt to make it seem as though you weren’t completely intimidated by the crowd of men you were practically walking into.

Nodding your head at Taeyong in greeting when he met your gaze, he flashed you a smile.

“My lady,” he bowed with extra dramatics, earning a grimace from you, “it feels oddly refreshing to be seeing you in a place like this.”

“How so?” your eyebrows lifted, gaze flickering briefly to notice the man standing next to him, taller than Taeyong and much taller than you, giving him a small nod in acknowledgement.

You knew it was more socially acceptable for you to focus on conversing with Taeyong and not acknowledging the man, since it would have been an obvious fact that he and Taeyong were of different social standings. The man’s dressing was that of a typical man of the working class, compared to Taeyong’s more expensive fabrics, with special tailored tailcoats and frills in his shirt. In spite of this fact, you couldn’t help your gaze from wandering over to the man even as you spoke with Taeyong, something about the way he carried himself making him seem as though he was the one of power between the two of them.

It was a confidence and sureness that you weren’t used to seeing, different from the air with which the viscount Jung Jaehyun carried himself. For the viscount, there was always an air of tension in his slightly aloof demeanour. The man standing next to Taeyong now didn’t seem tense, instead, he possessed a calm confidence. You weren’t sure why it intimidated you more.

“I’m more accustomed to seeing you in your home,” Taeyong huffed, “I guess this means it’s your first season?”

You nodded, glancing again at the man next to Taeyong, who wore a curious expression on his face, observing you as you spoke with Taeyong.

“And my last, if I'm fortunate enough,” you joked, even if you didn’t mean it.

You glanced briefly again at the man standing next to Taeyong, averting your gaze when you met his confident stare, Taeyong’s huff of laughter distracting you just briefly.

“I’m sure the season will be forgiving to you, you’ve always had a rather sweet disposition,” he assured you, eyebrows lifting as he shifted his body just slightly to gesture to the man next to him.

“Oh, right. May I introduce you to a friend of mine who just moved into the town? He’s a painter, a very talented one at that. Miss Y/N this is Mr Suh. Mr Suh, this is my family friend, Miss Y/N.”

The man gave you a polite bow, “I’m pleased to make your acquaintance,” he said with a polite smile.

Your head tilted in surprise, not having expected the lilting voice to have come from a man whose presence was anything but gentle.

Taeyong glanced between you and Mr Suh, momentarily distracted when he was approached by a man who had greeted him loudly, immediately rattling off into a discussion on the horse race.

Almost about to leave to find your way to the lemonade, you heard the lilting voice again.

“Who are you betting on?” he asked nonchalantly, and with the way he looked ahead as he talked, it would have seemed as though he wasn’t talking to you from the outside. You wondered whether it was intentional.

“Me?” you asked, turning to look up at the man’s face, seeing him tear his gaze away from the horses to look at you, a soft smile gracing his features as he did.

He nodded.

“Am I supposed to be betting on one?” you asked in spite of everything you knew and read from the conduct manuals. You didn’t need Mr Suh to tell you to know that you weren’t supposed to be betting on anything, regardless.

Mr Suh’s eyebrows lifted, taking his lower lip between his teeth before letting it go, “Well,” he began, “I suppose you shouldn’t. But the stakes are what make it more entertaining, aren’t they?”

You scrunch your nose up in disagreement, shaking your head.

“I would beg to differ. Sometimes things are best enjoyed without too many expectations.”

Mr Suh hummed, clasping his hands behind his back, the stance somehow making him seem even more confident, you could almost imagine him dressed in formal wear attending one of the balls your sister spoke of the previous season. A man like him would be hard to miss in a crowd.

“What makes you say that?”

You shrugged, your gaze flickering over the way the sunlight was shining on him through the little holes in the tent above the both of you, casting a pretty glow on where it touched his hair, his skin, his hazel eyes that held the mischief of a cheshire cat to them.

“I suppose when you leave less room for expectation, you also leave less room for disappointment,” you hummed, watching in borderline awe as he let out a huff of laughter.

“Not that I don’t agree with you, because trust me, I do. But humour me, pick one and we’ll see who wins,” he offered smoothly, with the same confidence that made you feel as though he were drawing you in, as if his simple proposition was enough to spark your desire for some excitement in what you otherwise assumed was going to be a boring day.

“And if you win? What happens then?” you asked, earning a thoughtful hum from Mr Suh, lips pursing in thought as if he hadn’t already thought of what he wanted.

Mr Suh’s lips parted, as if having reached a moment of realisation, “You’ll grant me the honour of getting you a glass of lemonade.”

“And if I win?”

Mr Suh grinned, “Well, that’s up to you, isn’t it?”

You hummed, “Alright then. I pick number two.”

And you watched, as the race began, as Mr Suh watched with a serious gaze as the horse you chose had run neck in neck with his, the way number two had begun to pick up speed halfway and you knew you would prevail as the winner by a landslide. Funnily enough, Mr Suh didn’t feel the slightest bit bitter about losing, curious as to what you had in mind for your reward.

It was amusing to you, to see the way the many people standing in the tent had either gushed out yells of excitement or frustration as the race ended, Mr Suh’s expression looking still as calm and confident as he turned to face you.

“Have you decided what you wanted?” he asked, “I’ll still get you a glass of lemonade, since it’s a hot day after all.”

You followed next to him as he walked towards where the staff were serving refreshments, paying for a single glass of lemonade and handing it to you, an expectant look on his face as he awaited your reply.

“You said you were a painter, is that correct?” you began, earning a tilt of the head from him, wondering where you were going with this.

“Yes, I am.”

“Could I pay a visit to your studio one day? You know, to see some of your paintings?”

If Mr Suh was surprised at your request (he was), he hadn’t shown it, simply looking at you with the same curiosity in his gaze, giving you a nod.

“You’re more than welcome to come by. I’m located near the flower shop by the market, the old space that used to belong to the… the wine merchant,” he told you, and with how much you frequented the market, you instantly knew the space he was referring to, already mapping out a route in your head that would allow you to visit his studio after you ran your errands on Monday.

Somehow, you couldn’t get used to the way he held your gaze, something about it making you feel as though you were frozen in your spot, unable to look elsewhere yet feeling as though you were too shy to return the same attention to him.

“I’d better be going now, wouldn’t want to worry my mother,” you fumbled out an excuse in your flustered state, giving him a nod before you’d left promptly, sipping on your lemonade in an attempt to cool the warmth in your face and neck.

===

Another thing worth noting, is that a lady like you is often placed in a very delicate situation. You may be distinguished by a kind of calculated attention to gain your affections, while it is impossible to know whether this attention will end in a serious declaration.

You didn’t manage to visit him once the week started, busy with your own errands that occupied your first few days of the week.

The next time you saw Mr Suh, it almost seemed like you were being guided towards each other. It was an odd moment on that Wednesday morning, something compelling you to look up from the yellow sunflowers you were talking to the old woman running the store about, turning your head to the right even though you weren’t quite looking for anything, your gaze coming to land on the man that you were almost hoping you would chance upon while in the area.

Seeing the way his eyebrows lifted in recognition, you gave him a small nod to signal that you were acquainted with him, a smile gracing his features as he stood before you.

“Fancy seeing you here,” he remarked, earning a strangely shy smile from you, surprising yourself at the way you reacted towards him.

You hummed, “I’m here often, actually,” you admitted, your gaze flickering briefly to the sunflowers you were looking at before, your finger touching one of the soft petals absently.

“Is that so? Do you like flowers?”

You shrugged, “... the simple answer would be yes.”

Mr Suh surprised you with the way he’d gasped lightly, eyes widening with a hint of exaggerated dramatics, his hands in his pockets as he leaned over slightly, “Well, now that you’ve said it like that, you’ve gotten me curious about what the complex answer would be.”

You weren’t sure what came over you, or what was compelling you to go against your mother’s wishes of not entertaining men who weren’t those you danced with at balls.

Perhaps it was the way he conversed with you so smoothly, or the confident way he held himself, or even the way it seemed as though there was something inexplicable drawing you in through his gaze, telling you there was more to him than he was letting on. As if it would only continue to nag at your curiosity if you didn’t explore it.

“It is an answer I would easily offer to you if we were in a more conducive space,” you huffed in amusement, gesturing around to the various other market stalls, the grocers and the merchants yelling and ringing their bells as they bartered off their products.

Mr Suh felt it too, the strangest feeling in his gut that made him feel as though he were being prompted to get to know you more. As he looked at you now, in the silence of the flower shop with the old woman giving him a knowing look, he couldn’t deny that he was curious about your intentions, about what you could possibly be thinking by being so willing to acquaint yourself with a poor painter like him. It was oddly refreshing, and he could safely say you were the first lady to still treat him with such attention and respect after coming to know his social standing.

“Would you like to claim your reward now, then? I was just about to head back to my studio, we could have some tea before you head back?”

You frowned, knowing very well that as much as you would like that, you couldn’t very well do that now.

At the sight of your frown, Mr Suh sucked in a sharp breath, “Poor timing?”

Pressing your lips into a firm line, you nodded, “Unfortunately. I have to be at the church, I was supposed to get the new flower arrangements done for the altar and all…”

Mr Suh’s eyebrows lifted, nodding in understanding, it seemed there was even more he was curious about you now.

“Will you be playing the organ for the mass today too, dear?” the old woman asked, earning a hum from Mr Suh when you gave an affirmative nod.

“You know how to play?” he asked, earning an insistent hum from the old woman.

“ Very well , in fact,” she told him, and somehow you felt a strange sense of bashfulness under the praise of the old woman, though it wasn’t as if you were a stranger to hearing it from her.

Somehow, the fact that you were in the presence of Mr Suh as you heard it reminded you of the feeling you got when you were younger and your parents were entertaining guests, insisting that you play a piece for them. The feeling of all their eyes on you that filled you with the want to run off into your room, the only time you’d relaxed slightly was when you would centre your focus on the piano, the music being the distraction from their gazes on you.

The way Mr Suh looked at you, his curious gaze, somehow filled you with this sort of almost-panic, a panic that came with being so focused on, a sudden feeling of being exposed.

You didn’t have to worry about this with your family, knowing they were all focused on their own worries to pay such delicate attention to your affairs. Mr Suh, however, his gaze was intense, though it did not seem to possess the same intention to nit-pick like your mother, or the insistence of your father’s, or distraction of your sister’s. His could only be described as unadulterated curiosity .

“I’d love to hear it one day,” his lips curled into a small smile, “perhaps you could grant me the honour of hearing you play while I complete a commission at my studio.”

You huffed. Somehow the prospect of being able to be involved in the creation of art in such a way enticed you, and it left you feeling excited for the day to come.

“I would like that,” you told him, turning to the old woman and giving her a small nod to signal that you would like to take the flowers you ordered now.

“Would you like to take the ones for home now?” she asked, earning a shake of the head from you.

“No, thank you. I’ll come by later to collect those,” you told her with a smile, turning to Mr Suh and giving a small bow.

“I should be heading off now.”

Mr Suh huffed in amusement, “That sounds familiar,” there was a hint of mischief in his tone that made your lips part, a small scoff leaving you.

“Are you teasing me?” you couldn’t help the huff of laughter that escaped you, earning a smile from him.

“I mean no menace,” he continued, shaking his head, “I should be off as well…”

He let out a small sigh, the soft smile lingering on his features, “It was nice to see you here.”

You huffed, wanting to say more, but settling for a simple nod.

“When would be a good time for me to come by?” you decided to ask, earning a shrug from him.

“Whenever it suits you, I’m usually in the studio by the afternoon,” he spoke, earning a tilt of the head from you, prompting him to continue, “okay, how does Friday afternoon sound?”

You nodded, “Perfect.”

Bidding him goodbye, your breath hitched at the way his tone had lilted with the same calm confidence as he addressed you, your brain replayed the way he’d addressed you, wondering how his voice could make your name (something you figured you would have been so used to after all your years of living), sound as though it were being spoken to you for the first time.

You turned and left before you could tempt yourself to stay longer and forget about the flowers in your arms waiting to be displayed, though even the sunflowers seemed to twirl around to face him.

The giddiness fluttering within you remained as you sat by the stone bench preparing the flowers, the sound of the gentle flowing water of the fountain you were sitting beside somehow reminding you to still your heart, lest you get too carried away with the excitement you felt from your interactions with Mr Suh.

As you fixed the placement of one of the sunflowers, you let your gaze wander to the elderly woman who was a few benches away from you shaded underneath a large tree, looking at the arrangement of flowers you’d placed at the foot of one of the statues.

Observing her expression as she gazed at the flowers, you wondered what she was thinking about, what she was here for, perhaps even what she was praying for. You knew you weren’t a stranger to it even as you observed her, you had been here many times; out of desperation, out of boredom, out of joy, out of hopelessness.

You liked the freedom that came with being here, how you could essentially stay undisturbed due to the unspoken understanding that those who came here sought out that same solace and peace you did.

It was more of an escape at first, from the confines of your house and the myriad of books waiting to be read and re-read again. You weren’t sure when it started becoming a place you wished to return to willingly, like an escape you sought out because it became less of an escape and more of a shelter.

There was vulnerability and protection you found in being alone, in the thought that even if no one was being attentive to you, maybe a higher power was. This thought always pulled you into deeper reflection, it made you struggle with how comfortable and uncomfortable you were in this vulnerability. How perhaps you were comfortable with it because it wasn’t exactly tangible, yet how uncomfortable you felt with it because you knew that this desire for vulnerability, to be seen, known and loved in such a way was something that resonated deep within your soul, and perhaps it was never tangible to begin with.

Done with the main arrangement meant to be the centrepiece at the altar, you got up, dusting off your dress. Picking up the basket, you made your way down the aisle of the church till you were at the altar, placing the basket delicately onto the marbled floor before something compelled you to take a seat there on the floor of the aisle, looking up at nothing in particular.

“Do you recognise the painting?”

You turned your head in the direction of the sound, seeing the priest walking over to you from your left, earning a hum of confusion from you.

Gesturing above you to the direction you were staring in previously, he gave you a small smile, “You were staring at it, were you not?”

Turning your head to fix your gaze on the painting, you saw that it was a painting of a raging sea, a boat in the background with many people on it, but a man, and another who you assumed was the Lord on the water, the man looking desperate as he clung on to his saviour. Yet somehow, the way his saviour held him, you could sense the safety, the security present in his hold.

“Do you recall? That man, Peter, walked out onto the water when the Lord called him.”

You frowned, nothing about it made any logical sense, to put yourself in such a position of vulnerability, subject to drowning, subject to the harsh currents of the waves willingly .

“Why did he do that?” was all you could ask, reminded again of this vulnerability, and whether as you looked at this painting, you could see how there was protection in this vulnerability like you had felt before.

The priest could only huff in amusement, a deep sigh leaving him.

“Would you like the simple answer?” he asked, earning a sheepish smile from you.

“Would it be wrong of me to say yes?”

Shaking his head, the priest turned his gaze back to the painting, “Love.”

He did it for love?

Perhaps the answer you wanted really wasn’t for something tangible to begin with, you figured, because you felt his words resonate in your heart.

How willing were you to be vulnerable? And what were you willing to be vulnerable for?

“That sounds more like the complex answer,” you huffed, your hands fiddling with the fabric of your dress, picking off leaves that had stuck onto your dress while you made the flower arrangements.

Your words had only earned a laugh from the priest, the elderly man giving you a shrug.

“I suppose simple doesn’t mean simplistic.”

Sighing, you nodded, knowing you would be left pondering his words for the next God knows how long . And it was true, even as you played the organ for the mass that day, as you left the church grounds to make your way back to the flower market.

Even as you were greeted by a bouquet of hibiscus flowers the old woman said Mr Suh had left for you, the thought continued to stir your heart. His simple bouquet, which sparked a far-from-simplistic longing in your heart.

Were you willing to be vulnerable for something like love?

Perhaps only time would tell.

===

The third rule, a lady like you was not to engage in any activity that could give rise to gossip. A young, unmarried lady like you was never to be alone in the company of a gentleman outside of family and close family friends. Other than during a walk to church or to a park in the morning, a lady like you was not to even so much as walk outside without an appropriate companion.

“Where are you off to so early, Miss?” Your lady’s maid had asked in a hushed whisper, passing you the little biscuits you asked for her to help you retrieve from the kitchen without your mother noticing.

“To church,” you smiled, earning a surprised hum from her.

“I suppose this is the message you would like for me to relay if anyone were to ask for your whereabouts?” her tone was knowing, a hint of a smile playing at her lips as she handed you the makeshift bag she made using the cloth used to wrap your biscuits.

You smiled, nodding at her as you let out an exaggerated wistful sigh, “I cannot express how thankful I am to have you here. You’re an absolute breath of fresh air in this house.”

She huffed in amusement, shaking her head at you, glancing around the kitchen before lowering her voice to a mere murmur, “Will you be back late?”

You shook your head.

“I’ll be back in time for tea, I’m going to visit a painter.”

She gasped, a deadpan tone to her joking as she brought a hand up to cover her mouth, “Need I get the chemicals ready to soak your dress when you return?”

You rolled your eyes in good-nature, a giggle leaving you in your embarrassment.

“I won’t make a mess of myself this time, I promise,” touching her arm, you told her with as serious a look as you could muster, earning a deep sigh from her.

You supposed it was warranted, she’d known you since you were a baby, it was only right that she’d grown accustomed to your rather clumsy nature.

“I’d rather you not make promises you can’t keep, Miss.”

“I’ll be good, I promise ,” you grinned, fighting your laughter as you saw her expression dripping with scepticism.

“I do miss your sister dearly, she was never one to keep me on my toes like you do. I’m always fighting for breath these days when I talk to the madam,” she let out a wistful sigh.

You huffed, already beginning to walk out of the kitchen, “Don’t miss me too much when I’m gone,” you waved, practically brisk walking out of your house and beginning on the route you had planned in your head since the day of the races.

Saying you were going to church wasn’t a complete lie. And it was important to note this, because you weren’t a very good liar to begin with, so details like these helped.

Walking into the church grounds, you’d initially planned on just walking through it as a shortcut to the market, but you couldn’t deny the little anxiousness within your heart that came with your excitement. Frankly, you weren’t sure what you were expecting from your meeting with Mr Suh later, though you knew there was a need to maintain a level of secrecy about it.

Perhaps it was the guilt from this secrecy that compelled you to make a little detour, sitting on the same bench you saw the elderly woman sitting at the other day.

Only when you were sitting in the same position as she was, you realised how different it felt to be sitting right in front of the little grotto. It felt much more like you were up-front instead of still having the pseudo-security of being a little further from the little altar.

Somehow, you found yourself listing out in your head the various things you’d planned on doing today, imagining (and perhaps hoping as well) that while you went about these things, this higher power would be watching over you, protecting you as you went about your day. The thought served to comfort you, and you found yourself feeling a little less nervous about seeing Mr Suh.

You wouldn’t have known that Mr Suh was equally if not more nervous than you were, finding himself agonising over which flowers he wished to gift you when you were to arrive.

The way the old woman mending the store was looking at him wasn’t helping much either, with her knowing looks and watchful gaze as she observed the flowers he leaned towards.

“Are you planning on getting them for Miss Y/N?” the woman finally asked after she seemed to have enough of his indecision.

Mr Suh nodded, “I was wondering if you could advise me on the meanings of the flowers?” he asked, earning a smile from the woman.

“My dear, there are far too many flowers here for me to advise you on all of them now. Perhaps you could tell me what you wish to convey, and I could help you pick the right flowers accordingly?”

Mr Suh hummed thoughtfully. He didn’t want something too forward, or something that would make you wonder what the special occasion was. At this point, all that was coming to mind was the image of your smile that he wished to have the honour of witnessing again. She does have a lovely smile.

“Yellow tulips, then!” the woman offered gleefully, making Mr Suh’s eyes widen. He was glad Jaehyun wasn’t here, he didn’t think he would be able to recover from his slip-up so easily if that was the case.

And so yellow tulips were what you were greeted with when you’d arrived at the studio, barely shutting the door behind you before you were greeted by the bright yellow that you found eliciting a smile from you without even noticing.

“Are these for me?” you asked, the nod he gave you making you stretch your fingers in your gloves before you accepted the flowers from him, noticing the lack of gloves on his hands.

“They couldn’t possibly be for me, I don’t think my smile is worthy of being compared to sunshine.”

Your eyebrows lifted in surprise, feeling warmth travel to your face and neck as you averted your gaze.

“I’m… flattered to know you think mine is.”

That seemed to elicit a smile from him, rivalling his words from before with the way he was beaming at you, a little giggle leaving him.

“You can set them aside here in the meantime, I was just in the middle of working on a small piece,” he told you, taking the flowers from you to set them in a makeshift vase. A little cup with dried paint on its mouth and exterior filled with clear water.

“What of?” you glanced at the canvas on the easel in front of a tall stool, not being able to distinguish the markings on the canvas, seeming to be in its early stages of creation.

Waiting for his reply, you took the opportunity to look around the studio. It was cleaner than you expected it to be, with how it was left unoccupied by the previous landlord for as long as you could remember.

You noticed the carpets over various parts of the floor, the patterns resembling the ones you had at home. There were various tables around the room, used more for temporary storage than for display, housing various sketches on loose pieces of paper and card. Even so, the sketches were of various landscapes and nature.

There were no statues here, contrary to what you expected, mainly bowls of fruits and flowers that you assumed were for still-life paintings or sketches. It wasn’t furnished anything like you imagined a typical painter’s studio to look like. You’d expected more statues of human figures, more artwork of people or portraits. The most life you detected in the room other than him and the bowls of fruits and flowers was the piano sitting at the side of the room.

He stood in front of a tall easel that rested on a large cloth over the carpet to catch any mess that could ruin the rug. Next to the easel, there was a small table with his palette, and a little glass jar he used for water, a set of what you identified as watercolours next to the jar.

“Your expression is making me curious. Penny for your thoughts?”

You hummed, shaking your head when you decided against voicing out your thoughts. You wouldn’t want to risk offending him.

Mr Suh seemed undeterred, simply tilting his head at you curiously, “What seems to be stopping you from telling me?”

Daring yourself to glance at him in surprise at his forwardness, you shook your head, “No, no, I just… I don't want to speak out of turn.”

Expecting him to simply nod and move on to another topic, you were even more surprised when he huffed in amusement, dismissing your worries with his gentle gaze.

“I can assure you, I won’t expect you to bear the consequences for my feelings.”

Walking over to the tall easel where he stood, you pressed your lips together and mustered whatever courage you had to be honest with your thoughts. Something about his reassurance told you it was safe to allow yourself that much in this space.

“I was just thinking that… your studio doesn’t look like what I expected it to look like,” you began, earning a nod from him, prompting you to continue, “I expected… more… you know, life .”

Mr Suh’s expression remained calm and confident as always, as if he’d expected you to have pointed it out at one point.

“I understand why you may think that,” he huffed with a smile.

“Was it intentional?” you asked, “the focus on landscapes?”

He nodded, his gaze fixed on yours, the attentiveness he offered to you once again feeling foreign, yet somehow reassuring.

“I don’t do portraits. And I know it sounds foolish, considering they make more money than paintings of nature and whatnot. But it’s somewhat of a… personal philosophy , I suppose.”

Sensing your confusion, he huffed in amusement, continuing, “I find there is much more life to be found in nature that we overlook. When we’re not so concerned with… you know,” you met his gaze again, the same captivating feeling rendering your attention only fixed on him, “material things.”

You nodded, his words striking a chord with you, remembering the many conversations you had with your sister on your worries about your debut, about whether you would be accomplished enough, presentable enough, respectable enough. When the desire, that intangible desire that resonated within you remained; the want to be seen, known and loved for your soul, unaffected by money or status.

“It’s hard to be unconcerned with that in this society,” you huffed, earning a nod from him.

“I suppose a lady like you has no choice but to be concerned about it,” he murmured, earning a sigh from you.

“I wish I didn’t have to be.”

Mr Suh gave you a soft smile, “At least… you don’t have to be while you’re here.”

You hadn’t noticed you were smiling, something about his words making a wave of relief wash over you. Like a breath of fresh air, to hear that he wasn’t expecting you to be your mother’s daughter while you were here. The little invitation behind his words was enough to make you want to laugh. You were almost wondering why you’d felt so nervous to come here just a while ago.

Making your way to the piano, you took a seat in front of it, still failing to stifle your smile, turning to him with a nod.

“I… I’m afraid I like that offer a little too much.”

And so that was what the studio became for you, a place where you were free to be alone yet share in the company of another, to allow for the creation of art within the space that you came to realise held more life than you initially thought.

There was life found in the sound of the music that filled the walls, life found in the way Mr Suh’s brush would dance over the canvas, bringing colours alive with his fluid movements, life found in the little sparks of excitement and understanding when you would glance over at each other ever so often.

“I like that piece the most,” Mr Suh told you as you were preparing to leave, holding out the last honey biscuit to him for him to take. Pinching it between his fingers, he popped it into his mouth.

“You do?”

He nodded, swallowing the last of the biscuit in his mouth as he smiled, “It happens to be my favourite.”

Something about that knowledge made you see the piece in a different light, not having expected him to choose that of all the ones you played that day.

Something about it was almost ironic, the meaning of the piece being to cast away earthly pleasures for a greater, spiritual love. It made you think about whether the intangible desire in your heart resonated in his as well.

Unfortunately, that little moment was cut short when Mr Suh had taken out a small pouch that jingled in an all-too-familiar way, reminding you of your father’s study.

“What’s this?” he set the pouch in your free hands, taking the empty cloth used to hold your honey biscuits and folding it neatly for you.

Mr Suh hummed, “Take it as… pin money. I wouldn’t have been able to complete those paintings without the beautiful music you played.”

Before you could refuse, he shook his head, “I insist, really. If you won’t accept it for the music, accept it for the biscuits.”

Narrowing your eyes at him, you huffed, taking the now neatly folded cloth back from him.

“You’re not going to take it back regardless, aren’t you?”

The grin he sent your way was enough to make your knees feel weak.

“You’re a quick learner, Miss Y/N,” he shoved his hands into the pockets of his trousers.

Again, the feeling akin to a gentle brushstroke on canvas, unassuming, yet permanent with the way the colour stood out against the white.

“Will I be seeing you again soon?” he dared to ask, and you found yourself almost breathless as you searched for an appropriate reply.

“Do you wish to?”

Mr Suh wasn’t sure what came over him either. It was akin to an inner knowing, a gut feeling, an unmistakable intuitive feeling that told him not to fight the fact that he was drawn to you, the fact that he wanted to know you more. So, he decided not to fight it, as risky as the decision felt to him.

“I do, if you are consenting.”

You huffed, amusement in the way the smile played at your lips, nodding at him. “Then you will see me again tomorrow.”

It became an unspoken agreement of sorts, for you to visit him in the mornings until it was time for you to return home for tea, blaming your happiness or giddiness on a particularly blessed time of prayer, or the time you took to get back home on the time you would ‘stay back’ in the church grounds on your own.

Though your father didn’t mind, always having excused you whenever it came to matters of religion, your mother didn’t like it. She wouldn’t hesitate to express how she felt it wasn’t necessary for you to be devoting so much of your time to going to church when you had better things to do, like brushing up on your piano playing, refining your needlework skills or reading and internalising more conduct books.

They wouldn’t know that the real reason behind your departure from home lay behind the (now many) flowers pressed between the pages of your many conduct books. Each one attached to a special memory of Mr Suh’s bouquets he gifted to you during your visits, the arrangements handpicked by him and unlike any you’d seen or made before.

Though it was no secret that Mr Suh enjoyed your company and conversation, there was always a little nagging in his head that would return every now and then. It was as if its purpose was to remind him of who you were in society. It would return whenever he heard gossip in the market the morning after a ball, or chatter from bachelors in a local bar. It served as a reminder that no matter how close the both of you were getting, you were still a lady, who could be subject to such gossip and chatter if you weren’t careful.

“You’re risking your virtue each time you come out here to see me, you are aware of that right?" He spoke, while you were engrossed in sifting through his various sketches, finding ones to display on the walls of his studio.

You couldn’t help the laugh that escaped you, holding up a sketch of a tall, sturdy-looking tree planted by the water.

"And what is virtue to you, the man who keeps inviting me here?" you hummed.

Mr Suh narrowed his eyes at you, albeit amused at your witty reply.

"I meant without a chaperone."

You sighed, almost instinctively assuming the disposition you would when you were being nagged by your mother.

“I think it’s a little belated for you to be telling me this,” you muttered, still distracted by his sketches, your hands reaching up over your head to see what it would look like higher up on the wall.

“Miss Y/N,” his tone was firmer than usual, insistent for you to pay attention.

“Hmm? How do you think this would look up here?” you thought out loud, not having noticed him getting up from his stool to walk over to you, his hand reaching out to pin the paper you were holding against the wall with apparent ease, making you come down from your tip-toes.

Turning around, you were shocked at how close he was, your eyes widening and taking a step back.

“Are you listening?”

In your surprise, you sputtered out whatever made sense to you in your head.

“Right, yes. Chaperoning.”

This had only managed to earn a quirked eyebrow from Mr Suh, “Yes… chaperoning …”

“You understand the need for it, don’t you?” he continued, insistence in his tone.

You huffed, “Don’t you think we’re past that by now? My parents are too caught up with whatever their latest worry is. If anything, they're relieved I'm finding something to occupy myself with. I’d only be a nuisance if I remained at home.”

Mr Suh relaxed his arm, grasping the sketch in his hand as he lowered his arm to his side.

“You’re avoiding the point. How can you be so sure that you trust me?” His eyebrows furrowed, seeming as if he were in disbelief that it was possible. You didn’t understand that.

You shook your head.

“I’m not,” you met his gaze, his eyes that shone a beautiful hazel in the sunlit space of his studio, “that is up to you to show me who you are, and up to me to be discerning about it.”

His gaze softened, making you feel prompted to continue.

“I am very aware of my stand in society, if that is what you are asking. But didn’t we agree? That this would be a place where that doesn’t matter?”

Mr Suh’s expression was pensive, his lips pressed into a firm line as he searched your gaze for something unknown to him, “Forgive me, I am simply concerned for you. It would do you no good to be seen with a man like me.”

You sighed, ducking down to take the sketch from his hand and glancing at it, the sketch of the tree planted beside the water.

You let out a huff of amusement, “Be kinder to yourself, Mr Suh. I’m not being forced to be here. Your company has been more enjoyable than any man I have come across.”

Sensing he was taken aback by your words, you decided to change the subject.

“You have many sketches of places I have never seen before. Were they all places you’ve visited?” you asked, using a simple glue to attach just the top of the sketch to the wall, not wanting to ruin it if you decided you wanted to take it down.

Mr Suh cleared his throat, “Yes, they were all from my travels, or some of the places I remember visiting.”

Humming, you picked up the other sketch you planned on displaying as well, amusing Mr Suh (and perhaps making his heart flutter) with how seriously you regarded his sketches, even if most of them were done on a whim.

“They seem like lovely places. What made you come here, then? I wouldn’t say this area is as lovely as what I've been seeing in your sketches.”

Huffing, Mr Suh’s tongue peeked out to wet his lips, a relaxed nature in the way he watched you go about your movements, “My father passed. This was uh… his birthplace.”

At that, you turned to face him, tilting your head at him as your gaze softened.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

Letting out a huff of laughter that bordered on bitterness, he shook his head in dismissal, “There’s no need to be sorry. We were not that close.”

Frowning, you let out a small sound of disagreement.

“It’s not a crime, you know? There’s no rule that says you aren’t allowed to grieve simply because you weren’t close to him.”

Mr Suh felt a little wave of comfort reach him at your words, comfort that he didn’t realise he needed until the words left your lips and graced his ears. It left him feeling strangely grateful. Not just for your words, but for your heart which allowed you to feel so sensitively for others.

“Thank you,” was all he could muster, earning a soft smile from you.

“What was your relationship like? You know, to your father?” you dared yourself to ask, sensing that it would do him some good to talk about it.

“He was strict with me when I was growing up… actually, he was a rather quiet man, a contrast to my personality. I always found I was more similar to my mother, more… expressive,” there was a gentle smile on his features at the mention of his mother, something about it making you want to hear more.

“I was more comfortable talking to my mother, and naturally she was more involved in my activities and whatnot while I was growing up… it’s a bit strange now that I think of it. Even while she called me her own little nicknames and terms of endearment, it felt more comfortable for me to hear that as opposed to my own name, only my father called me that. But even though that was the case, it still felt awkward hearing it from him.”

You nodded, your attentiveness prompting him to continue.

“I don’t regret it, though. It wasn’t as though we had a bad relationship, it just felt… a bit more formal, less playful than the one I had with my mother.”

“That’s what matters, I suppose, that you have no regrets,” you shrugged.

Mr Suh nodded, “That’s what I thought, as well. My duty now is just to… carry on, I suppose.”

You nodded.

“Awfully wise of you,” you quipped, earning a smile from him.

“Of course, I thought you would’ve known that about me by now,” he teased, earning an eye roll from you, though there was no menace behind the gesture.

You huffed, “I can only imagine what you were like as a child,” you murmured, your imagination getting the better of you.

The look on his face made it seem as though he were recalling his childhood, huffing a small laugh as he shook his head, “I don’t think I’ve changed much, to be honest.”

The honesty of your next words surprised you.

“You must’ve been the loveliest little boy, then. I’m sure of it.”

The smile you received in return was new, tinted with bashfulness unlike the usual calm and confident exterior you were used to seeing. He averted his gaze, poorly stifling his smile before looking back at you and shaking his head.

“You’ve got a dangerous way with words, Miss Y/N,” he sighed, though his smile lingered on his features.

“Of course, I thought you would’ve known that about me by now,” you recalled his words, using them to tease him in the same lilting way that he did, though he was sure the effect you had on him was much worse, his laughter bubbling out of him without restraint, his hand reaching out to grab the table next to him in a poor attempt to steady himself.

You were growing to like it, this honesty that was growing in how the both of you were showing up to each other. Honesty that wasn’t hidden behind etiquette rules or social ‘do’s and ‘don’t’s. What you and him were experiencing with each other felt authentic, unfiltered.

Sure it may have been frowned upon, it may have been deemed risky or dangerous, but in moments like these where all you could focus on was his smile and the way it warmed your heart. Conduct books be damned, looking at him now, you couldn’t find it in you to care.

===

Another important thing for a lady like you to note, is that whatever your views are in marrying, you should take every possible precaution to prevent their being disappointed.

“How was yesterday’s ball?”

You grimaced, your playing slowing down, the melody taking a more melancholic turn, “I’d rather not talk about that.”

“Was it that terrible?” he laughed, busy with sorting aside his tools and paints. Today was more of an ‘inventory day’, it seemed.

You groaned, stopping your playing altogether, “Perhaps it would’ve been more bearable if you were there. Then at least I wouldn’t have to torture myself listening to countless men tell me how much they preferred a demure, quiet young lady with better birthing hips than I had.”

Mr Suh didn’t bother trying to hide his amusement, letting his laughter bubble out freely as you tried to make your glare firm, though the more he laughed, the more it helped you find some sort of amusement in the memory.

“I think your hips are fine,” he spoke, though the moment the words left him you could see him press his lips together firmly, a laugh threatening to spill out.

Scoffing, you couldn’t help but laugh as well, “My sister would perish if she heard you say that.”

“Perish because I’m right? Though, I’m not so sure I could say the same about you being demure or quiet, unfortunately,” he told you knowingly, making you scoff.

“I’d like to argue with you, but even I can’t argue with that,” you sighed, turning your body on the cushioned seat and closing the lid of the piano so you could lean against it.

“Has there really been nobody trying to… court you?” he asked, more out of curiosity than out of an actual want for you to say that there has been. God knows he didn’t want that.

You sighed, bringing one arm up to rest against the top of the piano, using your gloved hand to support your head as you looked at him busying himself with sorting out what he could keep and what needed to be disposed of.

“It’s… difficult to explain. I know eligibility is one thing, background, status, wealth, the lot ,” you huffed, gesturing with your free hand as you spoke, something you were sure your mother would’ve chided you for if she was here, “but it's awfully difficult to grow attached to any of these men… they seem to have an image of me in their minds that they aren’t willing to compromise.”

Mr Suh looked up from his paint, sensing your frustration that you were struggling to keep hidden, deciding to sit on the stool and show that he was listening, his hands finding their way to his pockets once again.

“It’s as though I’m not allowed to be anyone else other than the perfect wife they’ve conjured up in their heads… how can you expect me to want that? To… to want to feel lonely in a conversation? To want to just constantly feel underestimated and misinterpreted . When I think of marriage, of a life with someone…” you glanced at him, averting your gaze to the floor, “I think of offering them my heart, but I don’t think of doing that to be met with money and a loveless house in return.”

You turned your head, adjusting it so you could support your head more comfortably, holding Mr Suh’s gaze as he looked at you, an understanding shared in his silence that you never appreciated more.

You knew that within this unspoken understanding, you had to acknowledge that things were different here from how they were at the ball. Now, as you were in this space, under his gaze, you weren’t underestimated, you weren’t being ‘sheltered’ from anything deemed too much for you. Mr Suh let you be yourself here, receiving you graciously as you were, and you were starting to truly appreciate that.

“The marriage market is truly lonelier than it seems,” he sighed.

“What makes you say that?”

“Nothing, just… from what you tell me. Am I mistaken?”

You huff, shaking your head, “Definitely not. I’d be better off having more stimulating conversations with a priest than any of the men I spoke to last night.”

Mr Suh couldn’t help the laughter that escaped him at the image you put in his head, “A priest? Not even me?”

You rolled your eyes, “That goes without saying, it’s obvious I much prefer talking to you.”

Mr Suh couldn’t help the way his heart felt like it slowed at your words, the way it felt like he was finally taking a deep breath after a while of not breathing. It was refreshing, seeing someone so honest and unashamed of their feelings and thoughts like you were. He found he had come to like that about you. Very much.

“Speaking of priests, do you really go to church in the mornings? Or is that just limited to an excuse you use to sneak off here,” he gave you a teasing smile, making you huff, shaking your head at him.

“I do, sometimes.”

“For the flower arrangements?” he asked, recalling the time you had met at the flower market.

Shaking your head, “Not just for that. But that wasn’t how it started.”

Mr Suh hummed, his eyebrows lifting as he prompted you to continue.

“It’s… well, it sounds a little funny but I used to wander around the neighbourhood as an excuse to leave the house… My parents never really noticed because they were busy with my sister’s debut and family business affairs at the time, but my father would always excuse me if I said it was to visit the church,” you huffed, “I liked it, actually. There was something so… peaceful, about the church grounds.”

“I suppose it didn’t feel like I was just wandering around whenever I went there, because I could see all sorts of things and people… people in their desperation, their hope, in their vulnerability… somewhat like I was when I was watching them,” you averted your gaze to the vase of white lilies that sat on top of the little round table he had near him, reminding you of your sister, “there was a period around last year, if I recall correctly. My sister was going through a difficult time, and I was worried sick about her… my role in the family was always to just occupy myself with my own whims and fancies, to be kept out of the loop because they were afraid I couldn’t handle the truth of things. But I knew what was happening.”

Mr Suh nodded, “Did something happen to her?”

You nodded, “The family was at risk of being in debt because of a man my mother was trying to marry her off to while she was in love with someone else, who we weren’t sure was ever going to return to town. Honestly, the situation didn’t seem very hopeful at the time, and I had to just keep pretending I didn’t know what was happening when I was in front of my parents.”

“It was scary, to see how she almost married into a lie.”

Glancing at Mr Suh, you were surprised to find his gaze still on you, attentive, patient, reassuring. You shifted in your seat, your hands in your lap as you fiddled with your fingers and your gloves.

“It grew difficult, obviously, to be always finding ways to feel useful and overcompensating at home because I felt so helpless, so I would go off to the church as a sort of escape, you know? A place where I didn’t have to be ‘doing’, a place where I could just… feel what I was feeling.”

Humming, Mr Suh nodded, “It was safe there,” he commented, earning a nod from you.

“I suppose my loitering grew obvious,” you huffed in amusement, “because one day the priest just came up to me and asked me if I was alright, you know, if there was anything I needed.”

“So, I told him how I was feeling—again, I’m not very sure what compelled me to do that, but it felt natural, I suppose, since I felt safe there—and I asked him what a person in my position could do. And he told me something really interesting… he said faith is nothing without trust, and �� at the heart of trust is to be vulnerable. That was all I could do, to let myself be vulnerable and trust that what I was doing for my sister was enough, even if I didn’t feel like it was.”

Mr Suh nodded, your words seeming to resonate with him again, the similar desires within your hearts to be vulnerable and be protected and loved in this vulnerability that came with baring your heart and soul to another.

“I suppose that was how it started, because it made me realise that I wanted that. I was busy telling myself that I couldn’t because I would feel helpless, but I wanted to allow myself to be who I was, to feel all that I felt and be seen in all of that, and to know what it is like to be loved for that, to be supported in that. But… I suppose that is the dilemma I have found myself in,” you laughed, “searching for all of that in a place as ruthless as the marriage market when I couldn’t even seem to find it from my own parents.”

The questions continued to circle in your head as you looked at Mr Suh, wondering what he was thinking after hearing your tiring monologue. Your mother always told you you had far too many words, no man would be bothered to listen to you. But for some reason, you hoped that if anyone were to, Mr Suh would.

“Miss Y/N,” he began, the gentleness to his tone paralysing you again, as if grasping you by the shoulders and forcing you to look at him, “I cannot promise you much… but you make me want to promise you all that I have. Even if it is this modest space, I want to promise you that it is safe for you.”

Somehow, that was enough for you.

A warmth had flooded you, sending warmth to your eyes, a lump forming in your throat that made you feel as though you were dipping your fingers into the depths of this vulnerability you were entering with him.

You gave him a soft smile, your unspoken expression that it was enough.

Somehow, that was enough for him.

Straightening up in your seat, you let out a deep sigh, “But you are right, I can think of far much more excitement to be found elsewhere than debutante balls.”

Mr Suh quirked an eyebrow at you, not minding the fact that you changed the subject so abruptly judging from the amusement in his smirk, “Is that so? Enlighten me.”

“Perhaps I shall write a scandal sheet!” you exclaimed, even if you didn’t mean it.

Always quick to bounce off of your words, Mr Suh scoffed, “You don’t need an excuse to write about me.”

Not being able to help the laugh that bubbled out of you, you gasped, “How did you know? I already had an article prepared: ‘ Local painter is too flirtatious for his own good’ .”

Mr Suh laughed, getting up from his stool to make his way over to the little table sat against the wall, your curiosity getting the better of you as you made your way over to where he was, peering over curiously at the various bottles of things he had on the table.

“What are these for?”

Pointing at the little bottles he had, labelled in a scrawl you weren’t focused enough to decipher, he spoke, “These are bottles of pigments. I don’t have an assistant or an apprentice or anything like that, so I usually like to make my oil paints myself since I only need them in smaller quantities at a time. It’s quite therapeutic actually.”

“Is it difficult to make?”

Sensing your curiosity, Mr Suh smiled, a certain playfulness to his gaze, “Nothing you can’t handle. Do you want to try?”

Excited by the offer, you nodded, seeing him start to bring out the various things you would need, lifting a granite slab you were sure you would’ve had difficulty lifting onto a long table behind you, followed by another block of granite that was long and flat at the bottom, looking somewhat like a cone but without the sharp edge of it.

Taking out two small bottles the size of his palm, he made his way over to you, “This is what gives it the colour,” he pointed at one of the bottles, opening it to reveal an earthy brown colour.

“There’s others, but I wanted to make this one, so I suppose you could help me with that instead.”

You nodded, eager for him to get on with explaining the process to you, bubbling with excitement from how long it’d been since you got to do anything involving paint.

“I’ll help you add the oil, and then you can start to use the muller to work it into the pigment.”

“I’m sorry, the what?” you furrowed your eyebrows, earning giggles from Mr Suh.

“Perhaps I should just show you, I think that would be better. But before I do that,” he stopped himself, turning to his easel and picking up the apron that hung from its side, your eyes widening as he held it by the neck, “May I?”

You nodded, wordless as he draped the apron over you while facing you, his gaze intent and maybe even slightly amused at your expression as he let his hands find the strings at the sides, your breath hitching as he reached them around your waist to tie them in a loose knot behind your back, his proximity sending shivers down your spine. Trying to calm your nerves, you took off your gloves, setting them onto the table.

“There, you may proceed,” his tone was teasing as ever, letting you continue as you folded the oil into the paint using the little paint knife like how he had shown you before. His hands had moved with practised and controlled strength, unlike yours, who simply enjoyed the sensation and malleability of the paint.

“You can use the muller now,” he pointed at the block of granite that sat on top of the slab, sitting on the stool near you and watching you as you worked.

Under his gaze, it didn’t feel as though he were watching because he didn’t trust you with the pigment, but quite the opposite, as he watched you with a relaxed demeanour, a hint of a smile playing at his features.

You weren’t sure how long you were working the muller into the paint, but you were definitely developing a newfound respect for whoever did this as a job. Though you did see why it was therapeutic, you felt weak as you heaved the muller around, wanting to laugh as you imagined how you must look.

“What an honour it is, to have the diamond of the first water making oil paint for me,” Mr Suh lilted, making you huff, using your forearm to dab at the sweat that formed on your temple, continuing with the rhythmic movements you were growing used to.

“You’re awfully mistaken, I’m not the diamond.”

Expecting him to tell you he was joking, you should’ve known Mr Suh had an equally, if not more dangerous way with his words than you did.

“Is that so? The queen’s judgement is clearly not to be trusted, then… I know that much as I’m looking at you now.”

Your breath hitched, recovering quickly as you continued your movements, lifting the block to scrape the paint off the edges and collect it on the slab so you could continue to work it in.

“Are you teasing me?” you scoffed, laughing in spite of yourself.

Mr Suh, however, remained sincere, the slightest of smiles on his face, “Not in the slightest bit.”

You weren’t sure how to react, his words flustering you to no end, but you spoke your mind nonetheless.

“You’re funny, saying that to me while I’m performing an act like this. I can’t imagine how un-ladylike this must look,” you huffed, amused in a way that made Mr Suh smile without knowing.

“Not quite, something about the way you do it is very… graceful,” he hummed, “perhaps you would have to be in my position to understand what I mean.”

Turning to face him, your eyebrows lifted in scepticism, “Let us swap places, then. Though, I doubt it would be the same. You’re much more experienced than I am.”

Always agreeable to your little suggestions, Mr Suh stood up, making his way over to you as you padded over to the stool he sat on before, watching him pick up where you left off.

Your only thought was that he was right. He was right, he was absolutely right.

Watching him as he mulled the paint, you found yourself captivated once again, if he thought you were graceful, you wished you could show him what he looked like. There was a certain seriousness he tapped into the moment he stepped up to the table, the gravity with which he regarded his craft, the sincerity he put into it. It attracted you, quite simply.

Your gaze wandered over to his arms, his hands, the strength they held, making the block of granite look much smaller than when you held it, you figured. It was strength, in its most gentle, practised form. A strength that did not destroy, but that created.

Something about that thought added to the feelings you associated with the studio, that it was a space of safety, unlike the many debutante balls and soirées you attended. You were starting to wonder if it was the space that made you feel that way, or the presence of Mr Suh within it. After all, it was him that encouraged you to be honest, to be yourself, to try things because he believed you were capable.

In short, you felt seen.

“Are you alright?” you hadn’t realised you were staring, Mr Suh tilting his head at you curiously.

You shook your head, clearing your throat gently in an attempt to conceal your embarrassment, standing up from the stool and stretching your hand out to him.

“Can I try again?”

He smiled, already stepping aside to let you take your place at the table.

===

Other rules to help a lady like you squelch the possibilities of romantic passion included forbidding the use of Christian names, paying compliments, and any kind of intimate contact.

“What’s this?” you touched a leatherbound book, secured closed with a string around the middle that sat on the table where you’d placed a fresh vase of salmon coloured roses from Mr Suh.

Mr Suh turned around from where he was standing at his easel, setting the piece of charcoal in his hands down when he saw what you were looking at, quickly making his way over (borderline stumbling) as he took the book gently from your hands.

You had grown comfortable with each other, having no qualms about entering deeper conversation, about embarrassing yourselves with each other, revealing deeper parts of yourself to each other, so it was safe to say that his reaction confused you.

“Is it your diary?” you asked, eyes lighting up with a hint of mischief that Mr Suh found hard to remain firm against.

Giving you a huff, he held the book behind his back with one arm, “It might as well be.”

“So, it's not a diary? A notebook, then?” you asked, almost feeling like you were playing a game with how naturally your guesses were coming out, the childlike side of yourself resurfacing and making itself comfortable in Mr Suh’s presence.

He nodded, “it’s my sketchbook.”

You narrowed your eyes at him slightly, “... that I am not allowed to see?”

Swallowing thickly, Mr Suh huffed, a hint of embarrassment in the way he averted his gaze just briefly, looking back at you and shaking his head.

“What you ask of me… is not as simple as you make it seem,” he began, letting out a small sigh, “I would be baring my heart to you, quite plainly.”

You weren’t sure why the thought of that made you wonder just what was inside his sketchbook. He insisted himself that he did not do portraits, so just what sort of sketches could be within that book that made him so hesitant to show you? You wondered what sketches could possibly hold pieces of his heart so clearly that he felt the need to protect it in such a way.

“Is that such a horrifying thing?” You asked, genuinely curious, “you seem to have no problem flaunting it on your sleeve.”

At your words, Mr Suh let out a huff of amusement, his lips pressed together as his expression turned more serious, almost speechless as he shook his head.

“Not quite… you’ve been the only one able to see it thus far,” his words came out in a soft murmur, solidifying the thoughts that wavered in your heart.

It was almost like a declaration of intimacy, something stirring within you at the reminder that your relationship with Mr Suh was more than just acquaintances, solidified by friendship and understanding, but entering into much more.

You shook your head, “Only because you have dared to show it to me.”

The look on Mr Suh’s face was unreadable, as if he had a million thoughts circling his mind that prevented him from settling on one emotion. And there you stood, oblivious to the fact that he was experiencing that same paralysing feeling of not being able to focus on anything other than you.

“I’m sorry, I’m afraid I cannot show it to you yet,” he sighed, sounding more disappointed than you were. He should’ve known you weren’t one to dwell on it, though, respecting his wishes.

“I understand,” you assured him, “Well, if you won’t let me see your sketchbook, what will you let me see?”

Mr Suh’s eyebrows lifted in surprise, a soft smile gracing his features, humming in thought.

“I suppose I could draw something for you now?” he offered, earning a smile from you as what you supposed was a reckless (genius) idea came to mind.

“Could you draw it on me?”

Mr Suh’s lips parted, wondering if his mind was playing tricks on him or whether you’d actually said what he thought you did.

“Hmm?”

You nodded, “I said I want you to draw it on me.”

Whether it was bold or reckless, you wouldn’t very well put a label on it at the moment. What you did know, however, was that this was definitely going against anything a ‘respectable lady like you’ should have been doing. It was different, you felt, from simply asking if he could draw you. It was like you said, a kind of vulnerability and trust you were willing to offer to him, for him to print his art onto your skin, something only the both of you would be able to see.

Mr Suh’s throat felt dry, looking at you blankly and keeping his volume lowered because he felt as though his voice would give, “Uh… where, where exactly would you want it?”

You debated on your options as you looked at him. You wanted it somewhere where you could keep it hidden, where your mother wouldn’t be able to see it as easily.

You knew that ruled out your hands and arms, since your mother’s gaze was always scanning you during mealtimes and when you played the piano, when your hands and arms weren’t hidden by your gloves.

Your only other thought was to have it on your ankle, since that would be somewhere only you or your lady's maid would ever see, your mother didn’t very well pay attention to little details like that when it came to you, as long as what was noticeable wasn’t out of line.

“Sorry, I realise I didn’t bother asking you if you were comfortable with it first,” you huffed, giving him a sheepish smile, feeling your heart stop at the smile he gave you.

“Believe me, Miss Y/N, if I were uncomfortable with it, I would have told you by now,” he huffed, amusement in his smile as he retrieved his inkstand and quill.

Only when he sat on the rug in front of you did you realise just what you had gotten yourself into, something about the proximity between the both of you was tempting. It felt close, yet in a way that made you desire to be even closer to him, both in the literal and figurative sense.

Swallowing, you shifted in your seat, glancing up at him with a nervousness that wasn’t quite present just moments before.

“Have you decided where, or what you would like me to draw?” he asked, crossing his legs as he leaned his palm against the floor to support his weight, the same calm confidence that made you feel shy under his gaze.

You nodded, “On my ankle.”

You watched the way he glanced at said ankle, covered by your stocking and your foot that was still covered by your shoe, blinking up at you before nodding.

“Somewhere… only I get to see.”

At that, Mr Suh smiled, “And is there anything in particular you would like me to draw?”

Now it was your turn to smile, already excited to see what he would come up with, what he would associate with you.

“I’ll let you decide that.”

His eyebrows lifted, the image coming to mind almost immediately.

Giving you a nod, he had barely registered what you were doing as you removed one of your shoes, averting his gaze and pretending to be busy with his ink as you started to remove one of your stockings, his gaze landing on the ribbon garter you had used to hold it up, tossing it aside as you worked on removing the silk stocking.

Mr Suh let out a breath he hadn’t realised he was holding, looking at his fingernails and then at the ribbon again, at your face and then at the stocking you now tossed aside next to the ribbon, unsure where to place his gaze out of respect for you.

“May I?” he asked, gesturing to your now uncovered leg peeking out from under the hem of your dress.

Nodding, he reached one of his hands out to grasp your ankle, the feeling of the warmth of his hands on your skin surprising you, your breath hitching just slightly and hoping he hadn’t noticed.

You lifted your foot off of the ground to help him, surprised when he’d set your ankle on one of his thighs, understanding that the angle would make it easier for him and more comfortable for you.

Mr Suh let out a small huff of amusement at the way you’d flinched when the quill had touched your skin.

“Sorry, it was a little ticklish,” you huffed, the unfamiliar sensation distracting you from your nervousness slightly.

You heard him sigh, his gaze still trained on whatever drawing he was working on.

“Miss Y/N,” he began, the tone with which he said your name making you soften, almost forgetting about your nervousness as you looked at him, humming in response, “I do hope you are not as willing to offer yourself to just any man in such a manner.”

Your lips parted in shock, bashfulness creeping up on you again as you huffed, trying to mask your embarrassment with your words, “Do you suppose I should only make such an offer to you?”

Mr Suh glanced up at you, detecting the little hint of challenge in your tone, his hand resting on where he was holding your ankle to keep it steady, his thumb smoothing over the skin unconsciously (or consciously, you wouldn’t have known).

“My honest answer?” he spoke, his gaze searching yours with that same calm confidence of his, “is yes.”

Your stare was blank, in spite of the many thoughts racing in your mind.

“You can rest assured, Mr Suh,” you murmured, suddenly feeling disappointed at the fact you did not know his first name, feeling as though addressing him so formally sounded off in a situation like this, “you are the only one I would trust with myself like this.” So intimately.

Mr Suh poorly stifled the smile on his face as he tilted his head down, continuing with his drawing as you tried to calm your heart.

“Actually, if you don’t mind me asking…” you murmured, swallowing as you mustered up your courage in spite of your shyness, “what is your first name?”

Mr Suh replied naturally, as if not giving it a second thought as you felt the ticklish feeling of the quill against the delicate skin of your ankle.

“Youngho,” he murmured.

You hummed, clenching your fist to prevent yourself from shifting from the ticklish feeling.

“Youngho,” you echoed, feeling the ticklish feeling stop almost instantly.

You felt his grip on your ankle tense before relaxing, looking up from your ankle and blinking at you slowly, his expression unreadable but rendering you speechless with how he was looking at you.

Letting out a shaky breath, it didn’t register to you why he was so taken aback, your mind racing to the conduct books, wondering if it was because addressing him by his name like this was too intimate, too personal. Only then did your mind recall the conversation you had about his father, figuring that must have been why he seemed so shocked.

“Sorry,” you blurted out, “I forgot about what you said about your father—”

“No, no,” Youngho shook his head, reassurance in his expression and his tone, “... I want you to call me that.”

Your eyebrows lifted, feeling as though something was being unlocked between the both of you, as if now it wasn’t just dipping your fingers into the depth of what you both desired, but stepping in, fully knowing what you were getting into with the action.

“Will you call me by my first name as well?”

Youngho nodded slowly, “Do you want me to?”

You nodded, not even being able to find it in yourself to be embarrassed at how quickly you responded.

“I do.”

Youngho hummed, “then I will, Y/N .”

Somehow, hearing it like that, spoken so delicately, spoken so intentionally by him, it was as if he were giving you more reason to fall in love with hearing your name again.

It felt like it had been ages ever since you had heard someone call you by your name, hearing it felt foreign, yet it felt right, as if it was the only way you wished to hear it. Like a declaration of love.

Letting go of your ankle, he gestured with a small (even slightly bashful) smile that you could take a look. With all the eagerness you’d been struggling to restrain, you pulled your leg closer to yourself, your smile growing when you spotted the delicate looking sunflower on your skin.

“I like it very much,” you murmured, appreciating the delicate look of it, yet how it held a meaning that was anything but.

Youngho simply smiled, “I’m pleased that you find it to your liking.”

This time, Youngho wasn’t sure why he couldn’t take his gaze away from you as you wore the stocking over your leg, watching as the little sunflower got covered by the silk fabric that was eventually smoothed over your leg to just over your knee, the way you picked up the pink ribbon garter, tying it around the hem of the stocking with practised, routine movements.

Youngho brought a hand up to the collar of his shirt, fixing his suspenders out of a need to fidget, to distract himself from his want to know what the silk ribbon would feel like in his hands, to distract himself from the feeling of the distance between the both of you. Yet not being able to feel as though it was a certain reverence that was keeping his gaze on you.

Once you were done, you smoothed your dress over, standing up with a small grunt, your legs feeling sore from sitting in the same position for so long. Youngho stood up as well, though he kept his gaze averted, knowing it was about time for you to return home for tea.

“I should be leaving now,” you spoke to fill the silence, drawing his gaze to you, not being able to smile at how flustered he looked, as much as he was trying to hide it.

Youngho nodded, “Oh, yes. Yes, of course. Be safe on your way back.”

Seeming to have composed himself, Youngho brought a hand up to run his fingers through his hair, giving you a tight-lipped smile.

You nodded, taking your little purse and taking slow steps backwards, reluctant to leave even though you knew it would only be a short while before you got to see him again.

“I’ll see you tomorrow?” he asked, opening the door for you.

Turning to give him a smile, you nodded, “Goodbye, Youngho.”

That day when you’d returned home, a giddy smile on your face and your heart thumping wildly like a protagonist in one of your sister’s romance novels, you couldn’t help but replay your interactions with Youngho in your head.

A part of you wondered why you hadn’t asked him for his name sooner, because now it was all that made sense. The simple man you had come to know, who was genuine, observant, perceptive, sweet, honest. That was Youngho to you, that was what made sense to you.

Even as you lay in bed that night, thinking about the little sunflower resting on the skin of your ankle, you were sure anybody else would have thought you were going crazy, but it replayed over and over again in your head.

Youngho. Youngho. Youngho.

Your little mantra of love.

===

Another rule that was essential to remember, was that a gentleman might take the arm of a lady like yours through his, to support you while out walking. But he must never try to take your hand, even to shake it friendly-like. If he did, you must immediately withdraw it with a strong air of disapproval, whether you felt it or not.

Something you greatly appreciated about Youngho was that he was never one to be afraid of getting his hands dirty.

Surely you were the same, out in the garden digging up earthworms as you were a child even though your mother would yell at you that you were going to get your dress dirty. But overtime, as they clamped down stricter on their rules and as you grew more occupied with the various accomplishments they desired for you to build, you had to forego certain things that would get in the way of that.

Things like painting.

As much as it was a common accomplishment for a lady like you to have, your mother had always viewed it distastefully, saying that the way you went about it was far too messy. So you’d resorted to other means of creating art, like your flower arrangements. Those, she would excuse, since they were deemed ‘useful’ for the house, so you figured you had come to cling to it as a way for you to express that desire within you to create, to appreciate beauty in such a way.

When you had told Youngho this, you should have known it was only natural for him to have offered you the opportunity to paint again. He was quick to give you the space, laying out large cloth on the floor to protect the rug, even going to the extent of asking you if you would be more comfortable working on the piece on the easel or on the floor.

So that was how you ended up standing in front of the canvas, apron wrapped around you snugly as you let yourself enjoy the freedom of letting your body move without much thought.

“You’d put me out of business if you sold your paintings,” Youngho huffed in amusement, one of many praises he’d offered to you when he saw you painting.

“I doubt so,” you muttered distractedly, frowning slightly at your painting.

You huffed, turning slightly and picking up your fan from the little table that was next to your hip, making a last-ditch attempt at making the paint dry faster using the breeze you created with your fan.

Deciding you had other ideas, you set the fan down on the table, looking at your painting and trying to execute your idea.

For some reason though, it was growing frustrating as the paint didn’t seem to move like how you envisioned it would. Youngho seemed to sense your annoyance (though it was quite obvious through your frustrated huffs), turning his gaze away from his own canvas to face you with a hum.

“What’s wrong?” Youngho asked, already getting up to make his way over to you, peering over at your painting from behind you.

“I can’t seem to get it to fan out the way I want it to,” you sighed, “my brush isn’t big enough for it.”

Youngho’s gaze on your painting was intent, seeming to be thinking from his own perspective, shrugging as he turned to you.

“You’re free to use my hand as your brush,” he offered, his nonchalance making you pause to process his words.

“Are you sure?” you asked, earning a nod from him.

“Really, I’m sure,” he reassured, waiting patiently as you dared yourself to grasp his hand with both of yours.

Youngho almost wanted to laugh, thinking of the time he had let you mull the paint, how you insisted that your strength used to mull the paint was much less than his, yet he had never felt it so strongly till now, in the firm grip with which you grasped his hand.

An ever present strength in gentleness that he’d come to associate with you.

You could practically feel the warmth radiating from his body with how close he stood behind you, with how he let his arm rest against yours as you moved it with ease.

It was almost amusing to you, how when you used his hand to smear the paint, it looked exactly like how you had pictured it in your mind. It made you wonder if all along you’d grown used to observing him, how he paints, that it was natural for your mind to picture how he would make his mark on your creations.

“Perfect,” you murmured, gaze appreciating your painting, trying to ignore the tension within your body that came with being in such close proximity with Youngho.

Turning to face him, your hands still clasped around his palm and wrist, his soft skin a contrast to the sturdiness you felt as you held his hand, his soft features a contrast from the intensity of his gaze when it met yours.

It seemed your thoughts had a mind of their own, as you let your gaze wander from the hazel of his eyes, to the deep black of his hair, to the dusty pink of his lips.

Conduct books be damned, none of them warned you about him.

“For some reason…” you began, your voice barely a murmur as you shifted your gaze back to meet his, watching how his gaze had flickered to your lips briefly, as if trying to catch himself, “no matter how close you are to me…”

Youngho shook his head slightly, his lips parting to speak, “It never feels close enough.”

You nodded, unsure what other words could express your heart better in this moment, feeling him lean in, the warmth of his breath tickling your lips, feeling as though it was a ghost of his kiss that was being pressed against your lips.

You weren’t sure if you were breathing, the only thing on your mind being the little mantra of love you had for him beating in your heart, supplying you with courage, supplying you with even more affection for him.

Feeling his lips brush against yours ever so slightly, you clutched his hand tighter in your grip, hearing him huff, a smile gracing his features.

“Are you teasing me?” you whispered.

Youngho shook his head, watching as your eyes had fluttered shut so naturally, as his breath fanned over your cheek, “Not in the slightest bit.”

Leaning forward, he pressed his lips against yours, softly, yet with insistence. Letting go of his hand, you let yourself make use of the courage coursing through your veins, bringing your hands up to cup his face and feeling the slight stubble under your palm, the action making him stumble forward slightly. Youngho’s hand reached out quickly to find purchase on something and ended up on your fan, the traces of colour from your painting now smeared against the once white and spotless accessory.

You weren’t sure what you were doing, but it felt as though he did, with how he led the kiss, bringing his paint free hand up to touch the small of your back, pulling you gently towards him.

So, you let yourself follow, follow the way his lips moved against yours, follow his movements that brought you closer to him, follow the way your head tilted up at the touch of his hand.

You allowed him to spoil you, to fill your mind with only thoughts of him, with the little mantra that would repeat and that you wished to repeat for as long as your heart could feel for someone, for him.

Youngho. Youngho. Youngho.

You hadn’t realised how much you were leaning into him, with how secure it felt for him to be supporting your weight like this. It didn’t even cross your mind to feel embarrassed at your lack of experience in this area, he never let you feel any of that, not with how he kissed you with such intention as though you were the only one he’d ever loved and would ever love.

It was a strange feeling, solidified by his kiss, to feel desired and even more loved. It wasn’t one or the other that you sensed in the way he’d deepened the kiss, in the way his paint covered hands had grasped your hip to hold you close, because as much as there was desire, there was love you felt in the way he cradled your face, in the way he let you melt into him with the promise that you would be supported.

In that moment, you knew that regardless of his background, his wealth, his occupation, you were willing to give your heart to him. Only Youngho.

===

A lady like you should have considered this common sense, but you must never confess your feelings until absolutely convinced of a man’s intentions.

Youngho was finding it hard to keep his heart from fluttering as you led him behind the church grounds, your hand grasping his firmly as you walked before him, familiar with the route in a way that only came from experience.

It was interesting to him, he found, the feeling that stirred within his heart as he looked at your proud smile once the both of you had reached a little pond, its circumference marked out by big stones lined up against one another, and wildflowers decorating the grass. In this case, your actions definitely spoke louder than your words— a girl who couldn’t lie to save her life, willing to take such risks for him, someone only revealed to her as a poor painter.

He remembered what he told Jaehyun, when the viscount was persuading him to meet the sister of the girl he loved. He remembered telling Jaehyun that he didn’t think love was going to be in the cards for him, but looking at you now, he knew he was wrong. The girl he was looking at, pointing at the little frog that swam past you in the pond and tapping his arm to get his attention, was love in all he had come to discover it to be.

“Welcome to my humble abode,” you drawled, gesturing around you at the empty open field, taking your seat next to the pond with Youngho following suit, the two empty glasses and bottle of wine in his hands clinking gently as he did so.

“It’s beautiful,” Youngho gushed with extra dramatics, earning a huff of laughter from you, “how did you discover this place?”

You shrugged, smoothing over your dress as you made yourself comfortable, “I told you, I spent a lot of time wandering around.”

“Well, it was time well spent, indeed,” he smiled, his nose scrunching as he let the glasses lean against his knee, removing his gloves and setting them aside before getting the bottle open.

“Where did you say that was from, again?” you asked, ever curious.

Youngho paused briefly, glancing at the bottle before pouring some into each of the glasses.

“Italy,” he said, “They import wine here, actually. The wine merchant? Do you recall? The one that was the previous landlord of my studio, he’s the owner of the winery that produces this wine.”

“Wow,” you huffed, “Wonder why I’ve never seen much of it before.”

At that, Youngho couldn’t help but laugh, looking at you sceptically, “You speak as though you’re an avid drinker.”

Embarrassed by his teasing, you scoffed, though the smile on your face lingered, “I suppose I could have come across it in my time at home, you know, snooping around in my father’s study.”

Youngho nodded, a patronising smile on his face, “Yeah, yeah, I suppose .”

Removing your gloves, you’d set it next to his on the grass, accepting the glass from him with a small murmur of thanks.

Sniffing the red liquid, you couldn’t help but glance up at him for some confirmation that it was supposed to smell like this, or what to anticipate its taste to be.

“Go ahead, try it,” he nodded reassuringly, bringing his own glass to his lips, sipping the wine in a way that made him seem all-too-accustomed to such tasting.

Taking a sip, you swallowed, looking at him with furrowed eyebrows and a mustered smile, earning a bout of laughter from Youngho.

“I’m guessing it doesn’t suit your tastes?”

You shook your head in disagreement, “No, no, It’s just… interesting ,” you hummed, taking another sip and seeing his eyebrows lift as you did so, endearment written all over his features.

“I shall have to get used to it, I suppose.”

And get used to it, you did.

It was in this very pursuit of ‘getting used to it’ that you found yourself growing much more unfiltered (or at least, more than usual).

Your head had started to feel heavy, Youngho offering for you to rest your head on his lap, and you did so gladly, looking up at him and enjoying the feeling of his fingertips tracing your features lazily, as if committing them to memory, wondering if a sculpture would do you justice when it was made by his hands.

“Your eyes are really pretty in this light,” you murmured.

It’d been long since you stopped drinking, Youngho taking the liberty to finish your glass for you while you lay your head on his lap.

Youngho almost sputtered around his drink, setting the glass down onto the grass and turning to look at you with a teasing smile.

“If this is you ‘getting used’ to the wine, I find it hard to have any complaints,” he laughed, “you’re smiling at me more than usual, and that’s saying a lot.”

You brought your hands up to cover your mouth, though it didn’t do anything to conceal your smile, laughter bubbling out of you as you shook your head.

“This is unfamiliar to me, but I find I cannot help but smile at you. It’s as though my body is moving in its most honest manner.”

“It’s honest, that’s for sure,” he reassured, earning a hum from you.

Reaching a hand out towards one of his hands, the one closest to you in your eyeline, you watched him switch the hand that was holding his wine glass so he could let you have his hand, wondering what exactly you were going to do with it.

Frankly, you weren’t sure either, bringing his hand close to your face and daring yourself to press a gentle kiss to his palm, the smile that followed making Youngho’s eyebrows lift, his smile mirroring yours.

You let go of his hand, letting it rest on top of your face and shutting your eyes, though it was amusing to him, the way he could feel the outline of your smile against his palm.

You noticed that Youngho grew more serious after a few drinks, a certain sleepiness taking over his gaze as he looked at nothing in particular. The both of you enjoyed the silence, aside from the sound of nature, the sound of the both of you just existing in that place, it was a peace you couldn’t quite describe. You couldn’t deny that the silence gave room for your thoughts to wander, your excitement for your sister’s return bringing with it all your fears about what would proceed from her return as well.

“My sister is to return from her honeymoon soon,” you said, “I am sure she and her husband have plans to hold a private ball once they are here.”

Judging from the absence of a smile from your face now, Youngho hummed, moving his hand just slightly so it rested against the side of your face now, his thumb rubbing soothingly over your cheek, warmth radiating from him to you.

“You don’t sound very happy about that.”

You shook your head, “I suppose it’s because I’m not.”

Glancing up at him, you let one of your hands cover his, touching the skin of his hand in drowsy patterns, with no desire in mind but to feel him.

“I’m sure their search for a suitable husband for me will only intensify once she returns,” you sighed deeply, eyebrows furrowing as you frowned.

“Husband,” Youngho echoed, something akin to a mix of a sigh and a groan leaving him.

“Dear husband ,” you drawled, as though you were calling someone, grimacing as soon as the words left your lips, meeting Youngho’s amused gaze and feeling the smile grace your features again.

“You know, I never once heard my mother call my father anything other than his name before,” you recalled, shifting slightly where you lay so you could see Youngho better.

Youngho hummed, nodding, “Me neither. I suppose maybe I was too young to notice. Either that or perhaps they saved the terms of endearment for when they were alone.”

Your mouth formed an ‘o’ shape in realisation.

“You’re smart, I never considered that.”

Youngho could only laugh, his hand smoothing over your hair affectionately, “Do I get a reward, then?” he asked.

Youngho suddenly leaned over so he was close enough to you that it made you shut your eyes, opening them up again with a huff when you felt him press a kiss to your forehead instead, pulling back with giggles leaving him that made it hard for you to remain annoyed.

“How cruel of you,” you huffed, earning a dramatic gasp from him.

“Cruel? What an inappropriate descriptor of me,” he smiled. Perhaps he was right, that smile was anything but cruel.

“What would you call your wife?” you asked, practically thinking out loud at this point.

Your question surprised Youngho, but he was always sporting your various trains of thought or rambling, and it was no different this time.

“That depends… on her personality, how I feel towards her,” he glanced at you as he finished speaking, averting his gaze back to the field as you felt his thumb continue to caress your cheek.

“So, it would change from person to person?”

Youngho hummed, “I suppose it would.”

You were starting to realise the truth behind the phrase ‘liquid courage’, your gaze firm on Youngho with your next words.

“What if it was me, then? What would you call me?”

Youngho met your gaze, looking almost pensive for a moment as he felt the peace you described about the church grounds, the peace in his heart that came with your presence, and all the love you brought to him with you.

“Beloved,” he spoke, again, as though he was calling your name, and as if you were hearing it in the only way you wished to hear it, “I’d call you beloved.”

“My beloved,” he said with finality.

In that moment, in that little declaration of who you were to him, it was as though you were being reminded of what you seemed to have forgotten. In being declared his beloved, you were worthy of love, you were loved as you were, regarded dearly even in your fear of not being useful or helpful.

In short, you felt known.

It was true, Youngho was not cruel. What was cruel was the reminder that your mother would never approve of him, what was cruel was the fact that once your sister returned, you were going to be thrown into whoever’s arms your family deemed fit. What was cruel was that you knew whoever they were, they weren’t Youngho.

Your eyebrows furrowed, averting your gaze from his face.

Youngho was feeling the effect of his words, knowing very well for himself that he was in far too deep now. But even despite this knowledge, he didn’t want to come out. He wanted to bury himself in all that he was feeling, to solidify the fact that when he thought of a wife, only your face came to mind, only you made sense to take that place.

“Do you think it would have been different…” he glanced at you, searching your pensive gaze, “you know, if we had met under different circumstances.”

“What circumstances?” you hummed, attentive in a way that made Youngho feel even more certain about his words.

“As nobility.”

The seriousness of his tone would’ve made you laugh under any other circumstance, considering it was completely hypothetical. But perhaps it was your pensive mood that made you consider his words more seriously, wishing they were the reality you were in.

You frowned, shaking your head, “It’s never crossed my mind, but… I’m sure I would’ve been drawn to you the same.”

Turning to brace a hand on his thigh as you sat up, letting his hand fall back onto his lap as you met his gaze, mirroring his seriousness and sincerity as you spoke the truth of what you felt.

“I’m sure of it,” you repeated, as if hoping it was getting through to him, “nobility or not… you’re you .”

Taking his hand in his, you fiddled with his fingers, interlocking your fingers, moving them just enough so you could press the tips of your fingernails against the pads of his fingertips.

Glancing down at your hand in his, he let out a deep breath, looking back up at your face.

“Do you mean that?” he asked, needing to hear the confirmation from your own lips.

You shot him a look, a hint of a smile playing at your lips.

“You know I’m not a good liar,” you reminded, a certain shyness overcoming you as you struggled to hold his gaze, something about the intensity of the way he was looking at you flustering you to no end.

Youngho huffed, a hint of amusement in his features that let you know he was about to say something to tease you.

“And you know I would believe anything you say to me when you say it like that.”

You sighed, daring yourself to bring one of his hands up to your face, letting yourself lean into the warmth of his palm.

“Youngho,” you began, and Youngho was sure just in how you said his name, there was all the sincerity he searched for, all the vulnerability of yourself that you were showing to him.

“To be a lady and for me to be like this with you... I need you to understand what this means for me… I need you to understand all that I am risking, and know that I find it worth risking for you.”

As the words left you, you felt unbearably exposed under his gaze, Youngho’s silence making you want to reassure him, your hand that covered his on your face rubbing the back of his hand gently.

"Do you believe me?" you murmured.

Youngho didn’t know what to do with all the love he was feeling, so he did what felt natural to him.

He let his hand pull away from your face, pulling you close to him so he could wrap his arms around you, cradling your head in his hand, letting out a breath he didn’t realise he was holding.

“I believe you.”

In his arms, you felt the protection around your vulnerability, the intangible desire in your heart manifesting in the way you felt a sigh leave you, leaning into his embrace.

===

And importantly, a lady like you should have a sacred regard to truth, for lying is a mean and despicable vice.

Padding down the stairs on another morning, a few days after the night in the field with Youngho, you were going about what became your new routine, heading to the kitchen, ready to retrieve your share (and Youngho’s) of honey biscuits from your lady’s maid before you would head off to his studio.

Except, today was different.

You should have known something was off from the sympathetic looks you were getting from the staff since you came out of your room, not thinking much of it until you found your lady’s maid in the drawing room, seeing her slip a little pamphlet in your hands with an urgency that unsettled you, your gaze barely landing on the title before you heard your mother’s voice.

“You,” your head snapped around at the sound of her tone, knowing almost instantly that the sinking feeling in your gut was not unfounded, “I believe we need to have a talk.”

Your gaze landed on your father who stood behind her, stoic and almost apathetic-looking as he simply stood there.

With how angry your mother seemed, you were surprised she was even talking to you at all. But as for your father? You felt it was worse, to be constantly searching for his gaze and not being met with it, as he fixed his gaze elsewhere. Following your parents up the stairs, your heart began to pound harshly as they entered your room, feeling as though its pounding stopped entirely when you saw your painting lying on the floor.

“Is it true?” she asked, earning a frown from you.

You glanced at your father, who had taken his place behind her, simply looking blankly at the floor.

You frowned, “Is what true?” you dared to ask, watching warily as her jaw clenched.

“It aggravates me how you still have the ability to act nonchalant,” she bent over, grabbing the painting so harshly that it made you grimace, “have you been acquainting yourself indecently with that painter ?”

The way she spoke of his occupation was as though it was a crime, but that wasn’t your concern at this moment. You wondered how she knew, or how you should react, but like you said, you were never a good liar. Your expression alone was enough to give it away.

“I want you to stop this immediately. You will not ruin your prospects, your reputation, your virtue, for a man who is not worth considering,” there was spite in her tone, the way she spoke about Youngho unnerving you. Though it all still didn’t answer your question of how she came to know about him.

Your lips parted only to close again, unable to find the words you wished to express to her.

“He is a good man,” was all you could muster, the scoff you received in return making you cower, feeling warm tears prick at your eyes.

“Anyone can be a ‘good man’ ,” she told you, “being a ‘good man’ does not provide you financial security. Being a ‘good man ’ does not guarantee you a house. Being a ‘good man’ does not excuse recklessness.”

You half expected your father to step in, to tell her to go easy on you. Or to try to soothe her temper so her words would become less cutting. But none of that came, even as you looked desperately at him for some signal that he would step in to help you, you continued to be met with the image of your father looking as though he had better things to be done elsewhere, dissociated from whatever was happening.

You weren’t sure what hurt you more, the feeling of helplessness that overwhelmed you or the fear that it was only a prelude for what was to come. It felt as though you were being made to choose between disappointing your family or losing and disappointing the man you loved. Neither of which you wanted, but you knew you weren’t going to have much of a choice.

“I forbid you from seeing that man again. You will not leave this house if it is not for an event,” your mother spoke, tossing your painting onto the floor and leaving without another word, your father following silently behind her.

You didn’t realise you were crying until you felt your tears touch your lips, bringing your hand up to wipe your tears away and realising then that you were still holding the pamphlet your lady’s maid gave you.

Bypassing the mocking title, you continued to read.

It should have been obvious to you when you read your initial next to ‘Lady’, reading on in spite of yourself.

‘... seen with a local painter in a position that shall not be described… Considering her sister’s success in marriage that elevated her to a viscountess, it must come as a shock to anyone for her to have looked much lower for her own marriage partner… a fling like this is surely only good for temporary excitement…’

You stopped reading, setting the pamphlet aside and burying your face into your mattress.

How you missed your sister in a time like this, though you had no idea how you were going to explain this to her when she returned.

You would soon find that your mother would do all the explaining for you, filling your sister in on all the details she’d procured from the scandal sheet while you were simply too upset to do any explaining for yourself. Frankly, the only thought on your mind was that you hoped Youngho wasn’t worried, since it had been weeks since you had stopped visiting his studio.

Your sister’s husband, the viscount Jung Jaehyun, wasn’t helping either, insisting that he had a friend of his that he felt would be a suitable marriage partner for you. Your sister seemed to agree, casting sympathetic looks your way whenever the topic of marriage came up, but insisting in her own gentle way that perhaps it would be for the best to move forward.

It was difficult to hear about how much property he had as the owner of a winery, his wealth or even his penchant for the arts because the only thing on your mind was the man with little to his name, sitting in his studio waiting for you to arrive.

There was nothing left for you to do, not with how your mother wouldn’t speak to you or acknowledge you directly, not with how your father seemed to want to pretend nothing had ever happened to begin with, not with how you weren’t allowed to leave the house if it was not for social events now. It seemed the choice you were being handed on a platter was to be a good daughter, the product of all the conduct books you read; as helpless as it made you feel.

===

You figured this was a rule you should have regarded more seriously, but a lady like you should remember that infallibility is not the property of man, or you may entail disappointment on yourself, by expecting what is never to be found.

Perhaps the higher power that was watching over you decided that things weren’t quite over yet.

Because as you stood in the makeshift ballroom of your sister and her husband’s new house, the drawing room they had converted into a ballroom space for dancing and hosting, you couldn’t deny the way your stomach churned with anxiety at her husband’s excitement, insisting that his friend was to arrive soon.

You were sure you’d tuned out the noise at one point, finding it hard to ignore the way you were feeling giddy (and not in a very good way), wanting nothing more but to be at home away from any potential suitors that weren’t Youngho. So, it was safe to say you thought your eyes were playing tricks on you when you saw the man walking in with the viscount.

Dressed in clothes that looked even more elaborate and expensive than those you saw on Taeyong at the races, or even those the viscount adorned now, walking with the same air of calm confidence that you’d practically memorised by now.

The same black hair, hazel eyes, dusty pink lips that grew clearer to you the closer they came to where you stood with your sister.

None of it made sense, he shouldn’t even have been able to be here.

You weren’t sure you were breathing, face to face with the very man that hadn’t left your mind for what seemed like forever. Your little mantra of love began to repeat in your head, as though it were natural for your heart to respond in such a way, desperate to let him know that his presence was felt.

Youngho. Youngho. Youngho.

You barely noticed how Jaehyun had introduced him, drawn back to the present moment with your sister’s voice ringing in your ears.

“It is rather relieving to finally be able to put a face to the faceless Marquess,” she huffed in amusement, “it is a pleasure to make your acquaintance, Lord Suh.”

Marquess?

You frowned, eyebrows furrowed and your gaze firmly fixed on Youngho’s. The marquess they had told you about for the past week, who had recently inherited all the property of his father who had passed, property including a winery.

“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you what an arduous task it was to get Johnny to agree to attend today’s ball,” Jaehyun laughed, making your frown deepen, your sister being able to sense that this was more than just a displeasure that you felt towards the Marquess.

Youngho’s gaze was apologetic, which had only served to upset you even more. You were trying to process all that was happening, but couldn’t shake the mixed emotions you were feeling all at once.

Turning to you, your sister nudged you lightly, “Is something wrong?”

You managed to tear your gaze away from Youngho, turning to your sister and taking in a deep breath, though it didn’t feel like you were breathing at all, the air not seeming to satisfy your lungs and making you feel as though you had to try again.

“I need to get some air.”

You started walking, but you weren’t sure where exactly your destination was. All you knew was that you were hyper aware of the fact that Youngho was following you and you didn’t want to be caught with him alone outside the building, not wanting your mother to be even more upset at you.

It would’ve been amusing if the situation was different, feeling as though you were playing a game of cat and mouse as you tried to out-walk him in the confines of the drawing room. Youngho’s strides were always much bigger than yours, though, so you should have known that it was only a matter of time before he would have caught up with you.

“May I have the honour of a dance with you, Miss Y/N,” he spoke firmly, loud enough that the lady next to you had turned to you with an expectant look, wondering why you were taking so long to respond to him.

It was unfortunate, how in a situation like this, you couldn’t exactly go against the etiquette rules you loved to flout. You knew that for as long as you were in this room, you had to acknowledge the truth that as long as you were not spoken for, you had no choice but to accept his offer to dance.

You settled for a small nod, keeping your gaze low as you accepted his hand and let him lead you to where the other guests were dancing. You barely had time to adjust before you had to react quickly to the song, following the choreography with ease and perhaps even being slightly annoyed that Youngho was even better at it than you were.

“Please say something,” he pleaded, making you shake your head, still keeping your gaze on anything but his face, not knowing what your heart would make you do if you were to meet his attentive gaze in this space.

“No,” you muttered, “I’ve been too rude to a marquess all this time.”

Youngho was barely able to stop himself.

“Y/N, please.”

Your head snapped up at the sound of your name, tears welling up in your eyes as Youngho’s expression softened. You felt his grip on you tighten, steadying you, the same unspoken promise that you were supported even when you felt like your body would give at any moment.

It didn’t make sense to you in your head.

Someone like Youngho, who never underestimated you, who was always attentive to you, who read you like an open book and never held it against you. You didn’t think he would ever treat you like how your family did, hiding things from you, viewing you as a little child who was incapable of handling grown-up matters, confining her to her childish duties of pleasing others and arranging flowers. It was an awful feeling that came with the thought that Youngho, of all people, would ever subject you to such humiliation.

“Why did you lie?” you frowned, swallowing thickly though it did nothing to the lump you felt in your throat, “did you think I wouldn’t be able to handle it? Did you find some kind of pleasure in making me a fool?”

You scoffed, blinking harshly, “As if I haven’t had more than my fair share of that Young— Your Lordship .”

Youngho frowned, “Why are you calling me that?”

You sighed deeply, feeling breathless from both the choreography and your sheer emotion.

“Is it not your title?”

Youngho shook his head, more out of dismissal than denial, “What happened to ‘even if we met as nobility’? Did that mean nothing to you?”

Your lips parted, offence in your gaze as you scoffed.

“I’m upset, but do not think for even a second that I did not mean every word I said to you,” you told him, a firmness to your tone that made Youngho regret his words, “unfortunately, I cannot say the same for you.”

Youngho paused, a tense silence falling between the both of you that contrasted the cheerful music echoing around the room.

“It was not personal,” he murmured.

You frowned, still unable to place what you were feeling, unsure how to convey it to him in a way that would allow him to understand why you were reacting this way.

“It is always personal. How could you…” you averted your gaze, shaking your head, “how could you compromise me—”

“ Compromise you?” his tone was incredulous, eyes widening in shock, “I kissed you.”

Clenching your jaw, you huffed, “Forgive me, truly, for finding it hard to see things for what they are. Forgive me for allowing myself to expect .”

Your words made Youngho recall your meeting at the races, perhaps some things were best enjoyed without too many expectations . He begged to differ, though, he just wasn’t sure how to let you know that he was ready to give to you whatever you asked for, whatever you were expecting from him.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, frustrated at the environment the both of you were in, at the lack of privacy he felt here, at the way it prevented him from showing you and telling you all that he truly wished to, having to settle for pathetic apologies and pointed looks.

You let out a sigh, “Just answer me one question.”

Youngho nodded quickly, humming to prompt you to continue.

“Were you ever planning on telling me the truth?” you asked, training your gaze up to meet his once again and trying to distract yourself from the way your heart still swelled with love for the one you gazed upon.

“The day after that night at the church. I was going to tell you then,” he answered, sincerity in his tone, in the way he looked at you, in the way he held you.

The day the scandal sheet was released.

You nodded, hearing the music come to an end as you let him go, feeling his hands slip from you reluctantly.

Turning your head, you met your mother’s gaze.

Youngho noticed the way you had tensed up and increased the distance between yourself and him, returning to the daughter raised by conduct books that your mother was pleased with. The ‘respectable lady’ that would continue to fight her urge to yearn for her love’s touch and search for his gaze in the crowd for the rest of the night.

===

When considering marriage, a lady like you needed to make sure that arrangements offered equitable compensation as it were, for all involved and no one, including the extended families, was being shorted in the exchange.

“How was the ball? Surely it wasn’t so bad after all, wasn’t it?” Jaehyun asked, earning a sigh from Johnny.

“No, it was the most horrendous torture ever imaginable,” he deadpanned, finding it hard to focus on the boxing match that was happening in front of him, wondering why Jaehyun decided to bring him here of all places. But he figured he wouldn’t have minded being her under any other circumstance.

Wincing at the fighter who had taken a particularly bad hit, Jaehyun folded his arms across his chest, “Shame, though, I thought you and Miss Y/N would’ve gotten along particularly well.”

Johnny frowned, “What makes you say that?”

Jaehyun shrugged, his gaze still following the fight, “You know, I heard from her sister that she was involved with another man… a painter, if I recall correctly. And her mother didn’t seem to approve because of his status or something along that line…” he trailed off distractedly, earning an expectant hum from Johnny.

“And?” he prompted, impatient now to know what was said about his and your relationship.

“Oh, right. Yes, so we figured that it would be better to present her with some other options, you know? We thought introducing her to you would help her move on from it, but she’s been off ever since the day of the ball. Her sister says she’s never seen her like that before, going from being so insistent to so… emotionally detached from it all.”

Johnny hummed, something in him feeling as though he needed to prepare himself to receive a piece of bad news, judging from the way Jaehyun sighed.

“But I suppose her mother has worn her out,” Jaehyun sighed, “she’s been recommending another man to Miss Y/N, one she claims is more reasonable… you know, dowry-wise and all.”

Johnny frowned, “Didn’t anyone try to dissuade her?”

Jaehyun frowned, “I suppose that’s the thing, she hasn’t protested to it herself… my suspicion is that she’s afraid of disappointing her mother.”

For some reason, Johnny couldn’t wrap his head around it, “And did you try to say anything?”

Jaehyun shot Johnny a knowing look, “Believe me, I’ve tried. Miss Y/N was the one that told me it was alright.”

“She did?” Johnny frowned, earning a huff from Jaehyun.

“Do you see that man over there, standing by the table?” Jaehyun nudged Johnny, gesturing to the direction of the table with a nod of his head, Johnny’s gaze landing on a man who looked twice your age, counting money from bets he’d won in his hands.

“That’s the man who is courting her,” Jaehyun told him pointedly, observing Johnny’s reaction carefully as the latter’s gaze stayed fixated on the man, a slight furrow to his eyebrows as he watched him.

Jaehyun continued, “His status is similar to theirs, so it does not require much of a dowry, which I suppose is what her mother’s so agreeable about. But… I think you can understand what I mean when I say I cannot seem to warm up to him.”

Johnny watched the way the man’s gaze had followed a woman who had walked past him to get to her seat in the spectators stand, something about the way he looked at her unnerving Johnny, growing uncomfortable at the thought of the man looking at you in such a predatory manner.

“And she has no complaints? About him courting her?” Johnny asked, still staring down the man as though he were trying to burn holes into the man.

Jaehyun was growing frustrated, wondering how long Johnny was going to deflect the issue at hand with his questions.

“Don’t you think you would be better off asking her yourself?”

Johnny tore his gaze away from the man, staring blankly at Jaehyun with his lips parted slightly.

“My time away did not make me a fool, Johnny. It was obvious the moment I saw how you reacted to each other at the ball,” Jaehyun rolled his eyes, “do you suppose there were any other painters in town named Youngho that didn’t work in their own homes?”

Johnny was at a loss for words, starting to understand why Jaehyun decided to bring him to a random boxing match at mid-day.

“How long more are you going to spend sitting here and pretending you’re okay with it?” Jaehyun hummed, “you helped me before, and honestly, I’d be more frustrated with myself if I let you carry on like this.”

Johnny’s gaze shifted to the fighters, then to the man, then back to Jaehyun, unsure what his course of action was going to be but knowing that he wanted nothing more than to go to you now.

“Her parents are here. I suggest you go now, I can buy you some time,” Jaehyun told him smoothly, and Johnny wondered if this was how he must have looked before when he was aiding Jaehyun with his own love troubles.

But there was no time for him to dwell on that now, already getting up and leaving as fast as he could to the address Jaehyun had told him.

“Miss Y/N, you have a caller,” your butler informed you as you were in the middle of playing a piano piece in your drawing room, stopping yourself in embarrassment when you realised it was the piece Youngho told you was his favourite.

Though you weren’t exactly sure why you were embarrassed, it wasn’t as if your butler knew that.

“Who is it?”

“Lord Suh, Miss,” your eyes widened as the words left him, standing up from the piano and adjusting your dress, your hand coming up to your face, making sure there was no sleep in your eyes as you nodded at your butler.

“Okay, you can send him in. Thank you.”

You weren’t sure what you were expecting when Youngho entered, though the scene had come to mind many times before.

You imagined him coming into the room with a dramatic profession of apologies, and another scenario where you imagined him to come to you with a sombre expression on his face, pleading with you to forgive him. You would be lying if you said you didn’t even imagine him simply coming to the room and kissing you, but of course, that was a little far fetched.

What you surely didn’t anticipate was for Youngho to enter the room, a determined look on his face as he met your gaze, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Are you thinking?” he asked.

Taken aback by his words, you tilted your head at him, confusion written all over your features. This definitely was not something you anticipated in your daydreams.

“What’s there for me to think so urgently about?” you asked, watching as Youngho brought a hand up to press it against his forehead, letting his hand drop to his side.

Shaking his head, he pressed his tongue in his cheek, a small huff leaving him, “Do you really want to wed that man? You cannot possibly be in love with him, you barely know him!”

His tone was insistent, bordering on desperate, a contrast to your still solemn expression, something you were falling back on in the hope that you would not start crying.

“My mother knows him well enough.”

Youngho sighed, his tongue peeking out to wet his lips, and you struggled not to let your gaze linger too long on his lips, shifting your gaze to look out of the window.

“It is your marriage, Y/N. Not your mother’s, nor your family’s,” he spoke, softer now, but with all the same insistence as before.

“Is it really?” you frowned, “aren’t all marriages these days purely business? When you marry someone, you’re marrying their family as well—weren’t you all too aware of this? Surely, this was why you chose not to tell me you were a marquess, was it not?”

Youngho frowned.

“That was not why I did not tell you. It was never about business to begin with,” he shook his head, pained to see your hurt being expressed in such a way, yet still unsure about how to voice out his thoughts.

“You may take me for a fool, Youngho, but I know for a fact that you are anything but,” you folded your arms across your chest, breathing in deeply though it didn’t seem to satisfy you again, breathlessness creeping up on you, “what makes you think I am any different? How can you be so sure that I will marry this man for love?”

Youngho’s expression turned even more serious at your words, holding a certain confidence to it that intimidated you, knowing you could never hide from him as much as you were attempting to do so now through your words.

“I don’t believe you’d marry without it,” he spoke firmly, more as a statement, a fact.

It made your mind go blank, knowing he was right.

You shook your head slowly, your gaze hardening in an attempt to remain firm, “Whether you believe me or not, that does not change the fact that he has made his intentions clear. He is offering money and stability. My family can afford the dowry. I am in no position to refuse.”

Perhaps you would be able to if he did something, you wanted to add. But somehow in that moment, you were afraid. The past few weeks have been a reminder to you of the helplessness you feared, the kind where you were unsupported, left to flail around for yourself not knowing what you were doing.

This hardening of your gaze, of your words, of your heart, they were your last-ditch attempt at protecting yourself from that feeling of helplessness you were starting to grow familiar with in the past few weeks. You did not want to grow familiar with it, not for the rest of your life.

“That man does not deserve you,” Youngho frowned, the way he looked at you with such sincerity making you avert your gaze, his attentiveness becoming too much, as if he was unlocking the part of you that yearned, telling you the things you needed to be reminded of.

“I did not choose him based on how much he deserves me,” you muttered.

“That’s because it wasn’t you choosing him at all,” Youngho shot back just as quickly, making you sigh.

“I know,” you murmured, your voice barely above a murmur as you felt your body yelling at you, telling you to take deeper breaths even though with each breath you took, it didn’t feel like enough.

You were starting to feel like the room was growing suffocating, frustration and longing and everything in between overwhelming you, “I do not have a choice—”

“No, but you do,” he insisted, “you do have a choice. You can reject him and no one would blame you.”

Your words were coming out faster than you could process now, only being able to focus on the boy in front of you and the way your heart felt like it was aching for that protection, that assurance, that Youngho allowed you to know.

“And then what? Disappoint my family by saying no to the one thing they let me do?” you huffed, exasperated, “lose my parents’ trust because I wasn’t honest with them for once in my life?”

Youngho sighed deeply, “What about love—”

“And what about honesty?” You said, trying to breathe deeply but the ache in your chest made it difficult to, your fists clenching around your clothes as if trying to lessen the way it felt like you were being crushed.

“Is that what you are ready to settle for, then?” Youngho’s tone was disbelieving, as if baffled that you were willing to sacrifice your needs and wants so easily, “mindless flattery from a man who is only honest about the fact that he sees you as a prize to be won?”

Youngho regretted his words the moment they left him, seeing how you were leaning on the piano for balance, shaky breaths leaving you as your eyes welled up with tears once again.

“I know!” You blurted, “... I know,” your hand came up to wipe your tears harshly, the other hand still gripping tightly onto your clothes, “It is not flattering to be desired… whilst not being loved.”

Youngho couldn’t help himself now, moving without hesitation as he rushed over to where you were, his hands coming to grip your shoulders, letting you lean on him as he pulled you into his arms, your hands letting go of your dress weakly and falling to your sides as you let yourself remember what it felt like to be enveloped in this protection, in this support.

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, his hand coming up to rub your back soothingly, his hold unwavering as he waited for you to calm down.

“Why are you doing this to me, Youngho?” Your voice was muffled through his clothing, your tears falling freely now as you cried, his hands still comforting you as he sighed.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, “I’m sorry for upsetting you, I didn’t mean to.”

You frowned, daring yourself to pull away from where your head rested against his chest, looking up to meet his gaze, still wrapped in the security of his arms.

“I’m upset… yet I don’t quite think that’s the word I’m looking for. I’m… at a loss,” you told him, seeing him press his lips into a firm line as he nodded at you slowly, prompting you to continue.

“Having to listen to you tell me not to marry a man we both know I have no true desire to marry, that I have no affection for… it’s… Here I am, feeling chained to my guilt as a daughter yet not being able to find any part of me that is truly satisfied in making up for my guilt in this way, or fulfilling my ‘duty’ as a daughter through this obedience.”

You swallowed, averting your gaze to glance at Youngho’s collar before bringing your gaze back up to meet his eyes, the same hazel glow in them that made you feel as though he were the sun and you were simply a sunflower, gravitating towards him.

Youngho guided you over to the sofa near the piano, letting you sit down, one of his hands still placed protectively over your hand, something you very much appreciated, serving to ground you almost.

“I… I didn’t know what to think, you just stopped showing up and I hadn’t heard from you, I was… I was worried. And to suddenly hear that you were being courted by this man, I just couldn’t help myself,” Youngho admitted, though there wasn’t a trace of regret in his tone that he was here. He didn’t regret this.

You sighed, the memory feeling almost fresh in your mind as you recalled it.

“My mother wouldn’t speak to me for weeks after she found my painting, after she read what they said in the scandal sheet. Do you think I like having to be in this position? To desire to be loved by the both of you but to feel as though the two are mutually exclusive.”

At that moment, it felt as though you were laying your heart bare to Youngho, feeling as though you were the man in the painting you saw in the church, stepping out of the safety of your boat into the raging waters because you saw the one you loved, because you heard them call you to step out, and so you did. Willing yourself to be vulnerable for this love you felt for Youngho.

“I was upset because… well, how can you even think of asking me if this is what I want? How can you think that for a second I would want to trade you in for a man who cannot possibly compare to you?” you frowned, bewildered that he could ever think such a thing.

“How could you think for a second that I would want to settle for that man’s corrupt desire?” you murmured, searching his gaze that you saw was growing more insistent.

“Well, then, what if you had both? What if you had someone who both desired and loved you with their entire being?”

You shot him a pointed look.

You knew Youngho was one that enjoyed speaking hypothetically about things, but you didn’t think now was exactly a perfect time to be doing so.

Furrowing your eyebrows in confusion, you huffed, “Youngho, discussing hypotheticals is not going to make this situation any less real.”

How could you explain this to him? It didn’t matter if it was someone who desired and loved you, you were only wishing that someone would be him.

Youngho shook his head, eyes wide as if he were sounding out a new idea to you for his art piece, making your eyebrows lift in curiosity.

“I know, but what if you already had someone who loved you? What if they were in front of you right now. Would that change your mind about proceeding with that man?”

You frowned, “Youngho, would you just speak plainly with me? What is it that you are trying to say?”

Youngho’s lips parted, huffing in amusement in spite of himself, gathering up the rest of his heart to present it to you.

“I don’t know how much plainer I can get than…”

Youngho’s eyebrows lifted slightly, an almost pleading look to his gaze as you felt his hand squeeze yours gently.

“Y/N, do you not see that I love you deeply?”

There it was, the grip that caught you before you could sink into the raging waters, the security and safety that enveloped your vulnerability.

Perhaps the question you were meant to ponder all this while wasn’t really ‘how willing were you to be vulnerable?’, but ‘how safe did you feel to be vulnerable?’.

The answer was simple to you now as you looked at him.

Simple, but far from simplistic.

“I could ask you the same thing,” you told him, watching how his expression softened, his hand over yours grasping onto you tighter.

“If it’s the money your mother is worried about… I don’t care about a dowry,” he blurted, thinking off the top of his head, the sudden mention of a dowry making you laugh at the absurdity of it.

“I know you don’t, you never had to,” you scoffed, still recovering from your amusement that he would think you cared about such a thing.

Youngho’s eyebrows lifted slightly in question, more curious than challenging.

“Does that fact upset you?”

You hummed, bringing one of your hands to cover his, running your thumb over the skin of his knuckles in a way that made Youngho melt.

“How do I explain this to you, Youngho?... You don’t care about a dowry? Quite frankly, neither do I,” you let out an amused huff, “I find myself unable to care about anything other than the fact that it was your hands, your eyes, your heart… that it was you who… let me know what it feels like to be immortalised.”

“It has ruined any chance of me considering anyone else, because if I am to be immortalised, if I am to be conveyed into art, if I am to be vulnerable, if I am to be held... I want it to happen by your hands,” your tone was firm, all the love that swelled in your heart finally making its way out of you and trying to reach his, “your hands and no one else’s, Youngho.”

“Even now with the knowledge that you are a marquess, that fact has no weight on my decision to love you because I did not fall in love with a marquess . I fell in love with you, your soul. "

Youngho didn’t think he was breathing. All he could focus on was your voice that rang in his head, sweeter than any melody you played on the piano, sweeter than any sound he had heard, laced with love and painting vivid colours on his heart.

“I only ever have the privilege of one answer for the suitors I’m presented with… but it was an answer I was only ever willing, or hoping , to offer to you,” a hint of a smile played at your lips, “so, forgive me, for not caring about the dowry either.”

Youngho’s lips parted, not finding himself thinking about his words carefully, simply letting his heart go before him in his words, his own love desperate to make its way into your heart and make a home there.

“I brought something for you,” he began, using his free hand (simply because he did not want to let go of your hand) to reach into his coat, pulling out the leatherbound sketchbook you recognised from before.

“Remember how I told you it was never about business to begin with?” he spoke, earning a nod from you, his fingers absently toying with the string of the worn sketchbook.

“It’s because… I’ve seen how fickle people are. How they change the moment they find out you are of a certain status or possess certain wealth. It made me cynical for a long time,” this time, you couldn’t find it in you to look away, his gaze that was searching yours was far too beautiful to miss, “I didn’t trust people’s intentions because most of the time they really were only interested in my money or my family.”

You nodded, prompting him to continue.

“It’s why I never liked doing portraits,” he admitted, “they always felt cold . It was… overwhelming to me; the idea of immortalising a creature so fickle, so tainted by power and money. You could never really see the person for who they were, only the things they wanted to show off.”

“So,” he let out a deep sigh, “I told myself that if I ever met someone who could see me as just a poor painter, with little to nothing to his name. Just me, with nothing but myself to show off, and love me in spite of that… then I’d consider. I know it doesn’t change the fact that I lied to you, but… I can’t say I regret it because you proved me wrong.”

You felt your heart ache, wishing you could express to him just how much love you had for him, how much love he had been missing out on all this while. You wished to hold him in it for as long as you could.

“You were the first,” he murmured, “to truly see me.”

He pushed the sketchbook towards you, lifting your hand slightly to let it rest on the leather.

You recalled his words, how showing you his sketchbook would be him baring his heart to you, and somehow the thought made a wave of emotion wash through you. This was his way of stepping out of the boat, rushing to you after your heart called out to him, willing himself to be vulnerable for love.

“This,” he gestured to the sketchbook, and perhaps implied much more, “is yours now.”

Letting out a deep breath, this time his confidence showing in the firmness of his tone, the surety of his gaze, “I’ve come to realise that… it was always yours.”

Letting go of your hands slowly, with all the reluctance in his being, he stood up, nodding resolutely more for himself than for you.

“I should be taking my leave now… I… hope I’ve made my intentions clear.”

And you let him leave without another word, watching as his figure disappeared out of your door, past the sunflowers in your garden that looked as though they too were reluctant for him to leave.

Directing your gaze back to his sketchbook, you fiddled with the string, almost hesitant to open it out of a sheer want to treat it delicately.

His sketchbook, his art, his heart that he declared was yours now, that was always yours. You saw it clearly once you undid the little knot that kept it closed.

You saw it in the drawing of your hands on the piano keys, in the drawing of the view of your back as you walked away from him at the flower market, sunflowers peeking over your shoulder to look at him, in the drawing of your hands clasped in front of your dress holding the bundle of cloth wrapped around the honey biscuits.

You continued to flip the pages.

The image of your side view, playing the piano in his studio, the image of you tending to the flowers that he gave you, the view of you mulling the paint from where he sat on his stool. The view of you holding his sketches above your head as you decorated his studio.

It was as though you were seeing yourself from his perspective, ridden with a certain affection and yearning that felt so intimate to be looking at in such a way, knowing it was his hands that had conveyed you into this… permanence. It was sureness found even in the strokes of graphite against paper.

You dared yourself to continue to flip the pages.

You noticed that there were even more drawings now, multiple drawings of the same memory, as if you were watching the moment happen before your eyes again.

An image of your stocking halfway up your calf, your hands grasping it firmly by the hem. Another image of your hands around the delicate pink silk ribbon garter, in the middle of untying the garter. An image of your leg with the little sunflower on your ankle, another image of just that same sunflower alone.

An image of you in the field with him that night, the mouth of the wine glass touching delicately against your lips, an image of the little smile you mustered after tasting the wine. An image of the smile that hardly left your face that night as you looked at him. Next to the image of your smile, a drawing of tulips. An image of his view of you as you lay your head on his lap, looking up at him, almost embarrassing you as you saw how much affection you could detect in your gaze even then.

An image of your hand clasped around his, almost being able to remember the feel of his fingertips under your nails as you pressed them gently against his skin. An image of your eyes shut, lips gently parted, wildflowers peeking out from the grass next to your shoulders and his thigh as you waited for the feel of his lips against yours.

The detail of your features in watercolour as you flipped the pages almost made you feel as though you were looking at a mirror. There was nothing cold about what you were looking at, but instead all the warmth that came with your soul and his, reflected on the paper.

The whole sketchbook was filled with you, and in it, him as well. All the love he had for you in every line, in every shade, even in the pressure of his pencil against paper, in the colours that made his sketches come alive. This was his heart, for your eyes only.

In short, you felt loved.

Perhaps, this was it. The intangible thing you sought, love, made tangible in Youngho.

===

Dancing was tricky business, as you knew. And a rule that you couldn’t help but call to mind now was that if a lady like you were to dance more than twice with the same man in the same night, or furthermore refuse to dance with any but him, you were basically announcing to the world that the both of you were engaged.

It was all that rang through your head as you stood with your sister as the viscount had just returned with drinks for the both of you, slipping off your gloves to accept the drink as you trained your gaze on where your mother was a little far off from you, seeming to be in an intense conversation with Youngho.

“What do you suppose they’re talking about?” you whispered harshly to your sister, anxious as you watched from afar.

Her laugh caught you off guard, turning to her with wide-eyes.

“What else do you think they could be talking about? You don’t suppose they would be engaging in such a fervent conversation about paintings, do you?” her tone was sarcastic, laced with amusement as you frowned, huffing.

Sure, as you watched Youngho, he looked relaxed, radiating the same calm confidence as he spoke to your mother, even smiling while your mother’s expression remained almost surprised.

You figured that was a good sign, right? As opposed to if her expression was sour.

“I’m trying to read his lips,” Jaehyun murmured, “but I’m absolutely certain he just said ‘you have nothing to worry about’.”

Your eyebrows lifted. Of course it would be Youngho, saying that to your mother of all people. That was almost as good as pointing at a table and demanding for it to get up and walk.

Your mind was absolutely racing as you saw her nod, already making her way towards you, with Youngho following a few paces behind her.

Reaching you, you exchanged a look with your sister before turning your gaze towards your mother. Jaehyun stood beside her, looking on with evident amusement at the scene playing out before him.

Letting out a tired sigh, she lowered her voice to a murmur.

“I do not know what it is about you that has seemed to have caught his eye,” she looked as though she were in disbelief, “But the young man was so insistent on getting my approval for him to pursue a marriage with you. Judging by his demeanour, his background, I find no complaints.”

Your eyebrows lifted slightly in surprise, glancing at Youngho who stood behind her with a certain sense of pride that glowed within you. A pride that came with knowing that this was who he was— insistent, charming, sincere— and that did not change with his social status.

“He insists that he has already asked for your permission, is that correct?”

You tore your gaze away from Youngho, meeting your mother’s gaze with a firmness unlike Youngho has ever seen you show your mother, his own little pride glowing in his heart as he watched you.

“He has,” you told her, “and I have granted it to him.”

Your mother’s eyes widened just briefly, surprised at your tone, yet feeling as though she should have seen it coming at the same time.

She simply let out a breath through her nose, nodding.

“Then I expect you to see this through,” she told you, as though it were an instruction, “for a man with his status to be looking so favourably upon you, it is a miracle , if anything. Do not ruin this opportunity.”

You couldn’t help the smile that played at your lips, amused at the way your mother had no idea who Youngho was, and that she would continue to have no idea that he was the same Youngho she was forbidding you to see just weeks before. And you intended for it to stay that way, yours and Youngho’s little secret.

“Oh, don’t worry, mother. I definitely won’t.”

Turning to give him a sweet smile, Youngho felt his heart jump in his chest as he extended a hand towards you, asking you for a dance with such politeness that it almost made you laugh.

Following him onto the dance floor, you assumed your positions so naturally that it was a given that anyone who looked in from the outside would be able to tell that the two of you were well-acquainted.

And as you started to dance, somehow, it felt like Youngho was the only one you could focus on in the room.

Youngho. Youngho. Youngho.

Your little mantra of love began to echo once again with each beat of your heart, begging to reach his heart that you almost didn’t notice yourself saying his name.

Youngho smiled, a certain knowingness to his playful gaze.

“Yes, my beloved?”

Your lips parted, poorly hiding the way the words had sent warmth all through your body, the feeling of his hand pressing against yours as you waltzed, the intimacy of the choreography and the way he was looking at you making your head spin.

“Beloved?” you echoed, implication behind the word making you lean into him unconsciously, burying yourself in the security you felt in his hold.

Youngho let out an amused huff that turned into a giggle that bubbled out of him, “You sound surprised. It is no secret that I love you, Y/N.”

You let out a breath you didn’t know you were holding.

“My head is spinning,” you admitted, earning a dramatic gasp from him, giving you a playful sheepish look.

“Sorry, perhaps I dressed too nicely today,” he drawled, the teasing lilt of his tone making your smile grow.

“Are you teasing me?” you scoffed, your smile removing any possible trace of menace.

Youngho pressed his lips together, the softest of smiles on his face.

“Not in the slightest bit.”

Feigning a glare at him, it didn’t last long the longer you held his gaze, the both of you poorly stifling your joy as little giggles threatened to escape you.

“I’m not going to impose on you,” he began, sounding breathless from barely having recovered from his bout of giggles.

“That’s questionable,” you took your chance to quip, earning a scoff from him.

“All I’ll say is, I’m going to ask you for a third dance. And what you choose to respond with is entirely up to you.”

Your tongue peeked out to wet your lips, the gesture making Youngho’s gaze shift briefly from your eyes to your lips, evidently having to force himself to bring his gaze back up to your eyes, looking at you with all the affection you wished you could immortalise in a painting.

Nodding at him, you let yourself enjoy the rest of the dance with him, smiling until your cheeks hurt. And you let it continue as he asked you for a third dance, the both of you not giving it a second thought as you continued to relish in each other’s presence, in each other’s touch, in each other’s love.

Oblivious to the murmurs and gossip that the both of you were inciting, you were only able to focus on him and him on you, protected and enveloped in the love you both shared no matter how exposed you felt in the room, just as how it should’ve always been.

Conduct books be damned, here you were, simply a lady in love.

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jungwnies · 2 years

Text

new york | johnny suh

a/n: just a cute texting one since i havent been able to deliver something for a hot minute, i have something releasing tmrw though so >:)) enjoy <3

[10:12am]

you walk over to the door in your apartment and look through the peephole and see a tall figure moving his finger towards the doorbell

you hear the doorbell ring and you giggle knowing who's behind the door

you open the door and see johnny, a luggage in one hand, and a bag with aa bouquet of flowers in the other.

"well are you going to let me in?"

you open the door wider and let your boyfriend in, he puts let’s go if the luggage that was in his hand and picks you up giving you a tight hug, whilst kissing you, "i feel like i haven't seen you in ages."

he hands you the flowers after letting you down along with the gift bag, “i hope you like it, my love.”

you open the gift bag and see a small stuffed animal, some chocolates, and a wrapped gift. you grab the wrap gifted out of the bag and open it ripping through the paper holding it together.

infront of you was a bracelet full of charms that were accustomed to your taste, “oh baby, i love it.”

“let me put it on you.” johnny wraps the bracelet around your wrist and clasps it.

you wrap your arms around his neck before getting on your toes to kiss him. “i love you.” you tell him before getting back down flat on your feet.

#suh #headcanon #au #imagines #nct #johnny #johnny suh #suh johnny #drabble #icons #nct johnny #johnny nct #suh line #johnny moodboard #johnny au #johnny dribbles

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vad-hander · 2 years

Text

NO NAME

Pairing: Johnny (NCT) x reader x Jinyoung (GOT7)

Genre: Series | Smut | Angst | Fluff

Warnings: abuse, depression, toxic friendship, established relationships (?), mentions of self harm, messed up everything (you’ll get it as you read it), cheating, best friends to enemies, lovers to strangers

Words: 9.3k

Three soft knocks on the door an hour later made you excited and scared at the same time. Your eyes checked out your appearance in the mirror next to the door. Rather than checking if you looked attractive, you tried to make sure none of the bruises were showing. Your eyes looked less tired than the did for the past month after the enormous amount of sleep you had tonight and this was enough for you to take your appearance as attractive enough.

“It’s Jinyoung.” you cold hear his low voice behind the door, when you probably took too long to open it. You opened the door slightly smiling at him quickly, when his head raised to see you.

“Hi“ you moved to the side, letting him in.

“Hi.“ he stretched his lips in an awkward smile “I didn’t know you live at a hotel.“ his eyes ran over the room.

“Yeah… It’s temporary. I’ll move to an apartment, well… as soon as I’ll find one.“ you chuckled awkwardly, walking towards the bed, the only sitting available in your ‘luxurious’ room. “What you brought?“ you sat in a comfortable position on the corner of the bed, watching him take off his shoes and walk towards you.

“Thought you’d want a pizza so I got one, they had pasta that looked so good I had to take it too.”

“Sounds yummy.” you tapped free space on the bed next to you, and he sat, still holding a bag of take out in his hands. “Let’s put this away and eat here.” you suggested, tossing all the food that was on the tray to the table below the TV. Jinyoung sat there staring at you quietly and you froze when the tray was clean, staring at him too. “What?” you smiled nervously and fixed your hair on your shoulders.

“You fought with Johnny, right?”

“Why?”

“You either didn’t want me to come to Johnny’s so you ran here and got a room or you fought with him and live here now, which honestly seems like a more real option to me.” you blinked quietly.

“Yeah, we fought.” you sat back next to him trying to contain yourself. Memories of the so called fight made you want to curl up on Jinyoungs lap and cry.

“I hope you’re fine… I know how much you care for him, but… he wasn’t acting right. I hope you understand it.” Jinyoungs eyes searched for yours but you refused to look back at him.

“I understand it but it’s still difficult to accept it.”

“I know, I hope you’ll be able to get over it quickly.”

“Turns out I’m kinda bad with getting over things.” you chuckled and finally looked at him. “Let’s eat, no more sad thoughts.” you smiled and bent to grab the food, pushing your hair that fell forward away. “Mmmh, the pizza smells good. You stretched your neck out smelling it properly. “Oh wait, that’s BBQ sauce?” you turned your face to see him with an excited smile. He stared at you seriously not responding. “What’s wrong?” you looked at him confused.

“What is that?”

“Where?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“This.” he raised his hand and it took you less than a second to realise what he was about to tell you. His fingers pointed at his own neck and laid back on his lap. He looked as if he was shy to ask.

“Oh this?” you pulled the sleeves of the hoodie onto your palms more. “I fell asleep with my earrings on.” you chuckled and moved the hair back to the front.

“Can I… can I see?” his eyes kept running over your face.

“It’s nothing.” you chuckled and made a weird hand gesture. “I’m hungry.” you tried to turn his attention to food. You took everything out of the bag, placing the food Jinyoung brought at the table. “I thought you’d bring more.” you giggled.

“I’m not that hungry, you can eat.”

“Jinyoung.” you stared at him cutely.

“What?”

“I thought you wanted to eat too. Didn’t you suggest eating?”

“Let’s find you a place? I don’t like the idea of you living here.”

“It’s a nice hotel, it’s all good. Plus, I only been here for like a day, I haven’t even started looking for something.”

“It’s nice but… maybe you should stay at your moms for a while…?”

“Not gonna suggest your place?” you laughed lightly at his startled face expression. “I’m just kidding. Let’s eat.”

You sighed heavily feeling like your stomach could explode any second, dropping your back onto the bed. Jinyoung turned around to watch you, munching on the last bit of the pasta. His eyes ran over your body and you couldn’t stop yourself from shivering. It didn’t feel awkward, it didn’t feel in the first place, but now, it was just nice to know nothing in his life changed. He was still the same.

“And what about your students? What was this girls name…? The smart one? Is she still your students?” Jinyoung fell next to you, propping his head on his palm, laying on his side.

“No, she’s not, they don’t have literature anymore. The freshmen this year though are very smart. I don’t think I’ve ever felt at ease during lectures, like I’m sure they’re listening.”

“That’s great, innit?” you smiled and turned your head to look at him.

“It really is, finally, whenever I ask a question there’s not only a single hand in the entire auditorium.”

“So your job finally became your dream job?” you tried your best to not look at him for too long.

“Yeah.” he chuckled and licked his lips. “And what’s up with your job?”

“Oh… my job.” you sighed and rolled on the bed to hide your face in the pillow. “I wish I was a housewife or maybe just a millionaire?” you raised your head to look at him and dropped it back onto the pillow. He chuckled.

“I’m sorry, but…” You turned to face him and felt his hand on your neck. “It’s not an bruise from an earring, it’s a fingerprint.” your heart skipped a beat because you were dying to feel his fingers on your neck but in a different situation.

“It’s not.” you tried to not give away your nervousness, moving his hand away from your neck and holding onto it a little bit too long.

“Can I see then to calm down?” you shook your head no and shivered. “Can you then tell me what happened?” he lowered his face closer to yours, not moving too close to not invade your privacy. “Please.” he pleaded and it was hard for you to decide whether to show him or not. You knew what would happen if you won’t - he’ll get all grumpy and quiet and if you will, oh well, you would not want to see that.

“I don’t want you to be upset.”

“I promise I won’t be.” you nibbled on your lower lip, feeling tears prickle your eyes while you stared at him.

“I told him that I know everything. He became angry and began calling Sieun names because he thought she told me. I said I have to leave, that I can’t live with him anymore and he began shouting. I… I asked him how long he dated Sieun, while he was trying to make me fall in love with him, this whole time he slept with her. He said he needed someone to fuck and didn’t want to force me. What kind of excuse is that?” you tried to laugh but failed. “He said he loved me all his life, said he only did it because he wanted us to be happy. He begged me to stay, he was grabbing my wrists and all that. He wanted to see my phone I don’t know why, to see who I called maybe, because he thought of you too, but I said it wasn’t you who told me.” you paused and watched Jinyoung’s face expression. He looked very collected and calm.

“And…?” he asked when you paused for too long.

“I turned away to take my things but his hand grabbed my neck and pulled me harshly against the wall. He wanted the phone and I said I’ll never give it to him, he began looking for it, running his hands all over me. Then when he couldn’t find it, he pushed me to bed and held my head into the duvet.” your eyes blinked multiple times unconsciously, a wave of goosebumps ran down your body and you closed your eyes unable to hold back anymore.

“And what?” Jinyoung still pushed and you took a loud breathe in, looking at him with no feelings.

“He pulled my underwear down and did what usually guys do with a girl bent over their bed. I cried for him to stop but he didn’t care obviously. When he came he said he’s sorry and that he needed it badly. Told me I can shower, and when I got out of the bathroom there was no him in the room, so I packed everything that fit into my backpack and ran away as quick as I could.”

“No…” Jinyoung gulped and sat up. “No fucking way.” you could hear his heavy breathing from afar, sitting up beside him. He stood up quickly and walked towards the exit.

“Where you’re going?” you ran behind him, stopping behind his back when he began putting his shoes back on.

“I will fucking kill him.”

“Jinyoung, please.” you gasped and grabbed onto his waist when you didn’t know what to do. “Don’t go anywhere.” you squeezed him tighter, resting your cheek against his back. “It’s not worth it, he doesn’t worth it. Please don’t.” you cried again, breathing heavily. Jinyoungs fingers lightly brushed yours and held onto them, signalling for you to let go of him. He turned around, grabbing your face.

“Let’s go to police or the hospital. There’s probably left something of him… inside. If he hurt you, then they’re going to confirm violent penetration. You have bruises on your neck. Where else? We can go to police and they will arrest him for domestic abuse and sexual assault.”

“Jinyoung, please, stop, I’m fine. I didn’t want to tell you because I knew you’d react this way. I just wanted to spend time with you, not talk about Johnny and what he did. I… I forgave him. It’s in the past. I don’t want to live a life holding grudges against someone that was close to my heart for the most part of my life.”

“You…” Jinyoungs was breathing as if he ran a marathon. You were trying to not seem upset but his eyes were giving away too much. He looked hurt and you hated yourself for wanting to see him so badly you basically invited him to see what Johnny did. “I’m so sorry. I’m sorry I told you all about his lies and then let you get into his hands and made you go through all of it. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.” he lowered his eyes, touching your shoulders the next moment. You felt his chin tuck into your neck next, making you slip into Jinyoung’s aura in a blink of an eye. Your hands automatically found his waist and you caressed his sides trying to calm him down.

“Jinyoung.” you whispered and heard him sigh. “Jinyoung.” you said once again, and he moved his head away a little. “Im really glad I ran into you on the street. I’m very glad you noticed me, because my life was turning into hell before I met you. I just hope to feel myself as I used to, even though I know i won’t, because I keep thinking about Johnny and about everything. I’m just happy you’re here with me.”

“I’m glad I met you too. I really missed you.” your heart began beating faster, you suddenly felt nervous in his presence. “I just hope we can understand each other as we used to, I hope we’ll be good friends. I really care for you, I don’t want to leave you alone like that.”

“Yup, good friends, we can be that.” you made an awkward giggle, moving your hands away from him. “Let’s sit back down.” you said quickly walking away to sit, wiping a lonely tear from your cheek.

You crawled on the bed, sitting with your back against the wall. “You can sit next to me.” you tapped on the bed next to you.

“Okay.” he stretched his lips in a forced smile.

“What’s with the face?” you chuckled. “Do you feel awkward around me?”

“I just smiled.” he said with a slight annoyance, sitting next to you. You stared at the turned off TV, feeling pressure from the little space left between you two.

“A question…” you gulped, braking the silence.

“Yeah?”

“D…did you mean it? Saying you wanted to marry me?”

“Why would I lie?” he turned his head towards you looking as serious as ever. “I even bought the ring.” your head turned to face him way too quickly you almost snapped your neck.

“And where is it now?”

“In the deepest corner of my desk at home.” he made a throaty chuckle.

“You should sell it.” you added quickly and looked at his face expression.

“I…I’m not a great gold seller. I don’t even know where you can sell something like that.” he chuckled and gulped again, making a chuckle leave his mouth the next second. “It’s funny, how I almost said maybe it’s for the best it all turned out this way, but realised all of a sudden it really didn’t for you. Maybe I should’ve insisted more on talking with you and seeing you, but at the time in really felt like a did the most.”

“Did it for you?” Jinyoung looked back at you “Did everything change for the better for you?”

“Of course I missed you, I loved you, I really loved you but now I’m just okay. Just how I used to be before I loved you. It’s not better and not worse.” you want to ask if he just said it or meant that he didn’t have any feelings left for you.

“I’m sorry. You know that I’m the one to blame for this, right? It’s me, I just followed Johnny’s lead, when I should’ve listened to you. I just made myself live in pain, I made you hurt and now I’m just here, thinking of how I could’ve been happy if I didn’t do all of it. My life is a fucking regret, everything is a fucking regret. I hate me.” tears just sprinkled from your eyes, forcing your hands to hide your face in them. Jinyoung’s featherlight touch made your body shiver. He caressed you carefully, trying to calm you down but only made everything worse.

“Y/n, you’re going to be fine. Even if it wasn’t for the best, everything might change. I’m sure everything will change. You’ll meet someone you’ll love again, you’ll meet new friends and will be happy as you used to be.” you felt his face close to you, turned to see him. You leaned in, feeling your brain go in overdrive. You couldn’t hold back from kissing him when he was so close to you, right next to your lips. You could practically feel them on yours. You looked him in the eyes and moved a tiny bit closer, noticing how he didn’t move away.

“Jinyoung…” you moved even closer and hooked a hand around his neck. Your fingers ran through the hair on the back of his head and it felt like he stopped breathing. “I still love you.” you whispered and kissed him. Your heart burst and even though you were dreaming of kissing him every day of the past year, it still felt nothing like you imagined it would be. Hot tears ran down your cheeks and you pulled back when he didn’t kiss you back. “I’m… I’m sorry.”

“No, it’s me. I should’ve told you before.”

“No, you clearly did, you said you loved me. I should’ve realised it’s not a slip of the tongue.”

“No, no. I love you, with all of my heart.”

“But it’s not the same, I get it.” you smiled and moved a little back.

“It’s… it’s just that I began seeing someone.” you blinked multiple times to not begin crying again. You jumped up, running to the bathroom. It was a stupid, stupid idea.

“You didn’t text me back for two weeks, you made me nervous.” Jinyoung’s eyes were judging you harshly but the tone of his voice was neutral. “I came to your hotel room but you didn’t open, then I was told you left the next morning after I left.” he sounded too calm to people around you, while you could clearly see in his eyes he was throwing rocks at you.

“I just…” you tried to smile and tell him something to calm him down but Jinyoung didn’t let you speak.

“You can’t just disappear from someone and then call them in the middle of the day for a coffee. That’s not how people do things, in case you didn’t know.”

“Why are you nagging?” you furrowed your eyebrows.

“I’m nagging? Okay.” he sat back, staring in a different direction from you.

“Jinyoung… I called because I wanted to see you. I… After you left I searched for apartments for the whole night and found something I liked. I just tried to get my life back together. I can’t get all of my stuff back… you know, from Johnny, so I had to buy things and I actually got a gym membership so now I can finally do something except for crying in my bed. I’m just trying to be better to not disappoint you. I never want to disappoint you, Jinyoung. And I know, that you are disappointed with me no matter what… I know you’re mad even though you’re not showing it. I know I disappointed you when I kissed you and said those three little words, I’m so sorry. I should’ve asked before. I mean, it’s as quite obvious.” you chuckled and he looked at you again.

“No, I should’ve let you know but I was too afraid you’ll be even more disappointed than you already were. I thought I’ll tell you some time later.”

“It’s fine though. I’m much better now and it’s all thanks to you.” you smiled widely and expanded your hand towards Jinyoung. “I promise to not break our friendship like that. I’ll be your friend if that’s all I’m allowed to be.” Jinyoung’s eyes ran from your hand to your face and you wondered what he thought about. Did he not want it? Your worries faded away when the warm skin of his fingers touched yours. You shivered but shoved the feeling down your throat, gifting a reassuring smile to him.

“I thought Johnny found you and took to his. We almost fought because I didn’t believe him. I probably looked like an idiot to him.”

“I’m sorry. You shouldn’t have.”

“You should’ve just told me where you are. It would’ve made my life much easier.”

“I’m sorry, I promise I won’t disappear anymore.”

“Want to see my place? I’ve lived here for a month actually and you never went in…” you faced Jinyoung in his car. The late evening forced him to turn on the light inside of it to see you better.

“I’m…I think I can’t.”

“Why? It’s not that late, I can make coffee and then you’ll go back home, grandpa.” you almost touched his forearm but resisted the very last second. Touching him still was the most difficult.

“I… I have a date.” he said almost whispering.

“Oh… oh my god, I’m sorry. I should’ve guessed. You’re right, you have a girlfriend, going to your exes apartment is probably not a good thing, I… I’ll go then. Have a great night. See you.”

“Y/n,” he stopped you from running away by grabbing your wrist. “thanks for the evening. I promise next time I’ll come up and see your place, okay?”

“Yeah.” you nodded and he let go of you, allowing for you to leave the car. Gliding your fingers through the dress you wore, you took two steps towards the house, looking at the lights that were paving the way to the entrance. Three steps later you noticed a man’s figure in front of the door. Three seconds was all it took in you to recognise the someone that body belonged to. Your brain went in overdrive and you froze. Would he hear if you ran away, he stared at the door and you were just praying he didn’t turn around right this moment. Your blood began boiling but you knew more than anything you were scared and due to that stuck in the middle of the road. You turned around as soon as your body gave in and did what your brain told to. Jinyoung didn’t drive away, he stared at you and you took two deep breaths that you thought somehow would help you run towards the car unnoticed. When your fingers touched the handle of the car you felt like you were alive again.

“What’s wrong? You forgot something?” Jinyoung asked confused.

“No, I didn’t. Can you please drive?”

“What? What’s wrong?” he looked behind you.

“It’s Johnny.”

“Where?”

“In front of the door. It’s Johnny. Please, drive away.” you breathed heavily. “Jinyoung, please.” you cried and he unfroze, finally starting the engine.

“It’s okay. You’re with me, he didn’t see you.” he said calmly, taking a glance at you.

“How, how did he find out where I live? I…I can’t believe he was there.”

“Are you sure it was him?”

“Yes, yes, I’m sure. I’ll never not recognise him.”

“It’s okay, you can stay at mine tonight. We’ll come up with something.”

“No, no. Just take me to a hotel. I’ll stay there.”

“You’ll stay at my place, that’s decided.” Jinyoung’s hand blindly found yours, holding it tightly while his eyes were focused on the road. “Oh God, you’re shaking.”

“I’m just shocked…I’m so thankful you didn’t drive away yet.” you wiped the panic tear off your face.

“I never drive away until I’m sure you’re home.”

“How do you know when I’m home?”

“Your window, you showed me which one it is. When the lights are on I can drive away.” he stopped at the traffic light, looking back at you. You felt overwhelmed and wanted to cry again. Johnny that scared you just a minute ago was long forgotten when your heart was about to begin it’s crying again. How could he act like he cared, like he loved you and then said you were friends. You wanted to cry hysterically but it wouldn’t help you to make him take you back. You felt your fingers hold way too tightly to his palm, letting him go quickly.

“Take me to a hotel, please.”

“It’s a no-no.” he simply said and killed every protest you had in you.

You walked through the door that brought way too many memories back. You wondered if he thought about it too, how you would walk through that door hand in hand. How you’d kiss him right next to it when you’d come see him after being apart for 2 days.

“You can go on your date. I’ll be fine on my own here. I’ll sleep on the couch quietly and will leave in the morning before you wake up.”

“I’ll cancel it.”

“No, Jinyoung, you have to go. It’s not nice to cancel a date at this time. She’s probably waiting for you, go.”

“Please sleep in the bedroom.”

“Why?”

“I don’t want you to sleep on the couch, that’s it. You can take the shower and take whatever you want to wear from my wardrobe. I have food so you can eat too. And…”

“Jinyoung, it’s not my first time here and I’m not 5 too. I’ll be totally fine. You go see your girlfriend before she gets mad at you. Okay?” He nodded quietly.

“But call me immediately if you need me, okay?”

“Yes, Jinyoung, I will, now go.” You pushed him out of the door, locking it. It took all the strength in you to not cry at your stupidity. You wanted him to stay because sleeping alone was still scary. Sleeping alone after seeing Johnny was even scarier.

You would not do this to Jinyoung. You were a big girl that finally tried to live her life right. You were trying your best to not burden him and your only goal was to keep him happy, and as long as he liked seeing his girlfriend, you were going to shove you pain down your throat and smile at him and support him.

You woke up from the sound of Jinyoung’s alarm. It didn’t take long to question yourself. Were you dreaming of it? You still remembered the sound of his alarm and sleeping in his bed probably made you see things related to your past relationship.

You felt more awake when the alarm didn’t stop signalling and you had to open your eyes. Before that though, you realised Jinyoung was sleeping in the same bed. Moreover, you could feel every limb of his being wrapped around you.

“Just a minute.” he mumbled with his face tucked into your neck. You shivered at the sensation of his warm breathe against your neck.

“Jinyoung.” you said quietly having to repeat yourself when he didn’t react.

“Mm?” he asked and moved his hand away to finally open his eyes. “Jesus, Y/n, I’m so sorry. I was so tired I got to my bed mindlessly. I… I didn’t realise I was touching you.”

“It’s fine.” you made a smile with your lips. “I thought you’d sleep on the couch or something.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to.” he moved to the other side of the bed and closed his face with his palms.

“I slept well so you don’t have to be sorry.”

“You fell asleep quickly?”

“Kind of… I tried to keep my thoughts from him and crying. I was just trying to focus on the fact he would not look for me here. I guess he didn’t… but what if he will?” a single thought made you shiver. You sat up on the bed and looked at him. “I can’t stay here too.”

“You can go with me to school.”

“What will I do there?” you chuckled.

“You can sit in the furthest corner of the room, just do your work on the laptop, then we could go back together here and think of the options.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Just another careless student who won’t listen, why would I mind?” he chuckled lowly making blood go to your lower area.

You sat right where he told you to - the deepest corner of the room. You looked around, checking by accident what were those students doing in their laptops, actually being surprised by the number of them writing down everything Jinyoung was saying. You’d show him hearts with your fingers when you’d catch his eyes on you, forcing a low giggle, that he tried to contain and therefore sounded like he was choking, escape his throat.

It felt like time flue with students filling up the auditorium and leaving it in almost a blink of an eye. You’d get breaks every time Jinyoung had a spare minute between lectures, sitting next to you on the long bench and asking you things about your work. You tried to ignore him because every time you took a look at him up close your guard was falling down and he punched the air out of your lungs without even noticing.

This was meant to be his last class of the day, Jinyoung promised to go home after this. The sound of students standing up signalled for you to finish what you were doing. Your fingers moved quickly and your brain was working even faster, raising your eyes your fingers froze above the keyboard. Young woman stood next to the door, bowing politely at every student that was still leaving the room. Her eyes moved towards you and you stared down on laptop to not seem rude. You focused your brain to listen to what she said. You should’ve guessed she was a professor, since those kids looked like they knew her.

“She punished?” she said quietly for you to not hear, but you did anyway. Her voice was high-pitched and she seemed bubbly. The way she stared at him made you wondered if she knew Jinyoung had a girlfriend.

“No… That’s…” he paused and you perked all your limbs to hear what he’ll say better “that’s my family member.”

“Oh my god! Is that your sister?” she said way too excitedly for a colleague.

“No, no.” he cleared his throat. “That’s my older brothers step daughter.” you couldn’t pretend like you didn’t hear him anymore, raising your head up. He stared at you begging, while the girl stood with her back to you. “He asked me to take her with me today, so I had to help.”

“How old is she? Is she my age?” Jinyoung’s eyes moved back to the girl after a long while.

“No, she’s around my age.” you bit onto your cheek. Back in the day he’d tell you you’re a teenager, but now he was saying you’re just around his age.

“Is your brother that much older?”

“Yeah, he is, Sona.”

“I have one more lecture left.” she said way too cutely and you suddenly realised. “I wish we could go to the cinema, but at least you have company for today, I’m relieved.” she leaned in and wrapped her hands around his shoulders. “Won’t you kiss me?” the amount of cuteness she spew made you gag internally. You lowered your head back to the screen not willing to see whatever was about to take place.

“It’s kind of awkward in front of her.” he whispered but the echo still let you hear him. Sona turned her head around quickly , you could see it with your peripheral vision.

“She’s all in her laptop.” you could hear her whisper before the room went quiet. You squeezed your eyes shut, lowering your back to not see anything at all. Your fingers found the play button on the keyboard so you won’t hear any noises either. The song began playing in your ears, but it didn’t make any of it any better. You were ready to throw up just from the idea of him kissing an actual teenager.

You stood up loudly, by accident. You didn’t mean to pay attention but internally it was all you were hoping for. She jumped off him awkwardly, probably being too shy herself.

“Hello. I’m Lim Sona” she bowed politely like you were his grandma and wiped her mouth carefully.

“Hi.” you said back and packed your stuff quickly, this time not actually hearing what the two of them were saying. “I’ll go home. Thanks, for letting me hang out here today.” you smiled and wanted to leave.

“Wait, I’ll take you home. This was my last lecture, didn’t I tell you?”

“It’s fine, a taxi will do the same thing.” you bowed again knowing he won’t act up in front of her. In her eyes you were his brothers daughter, not an ex girlfriend who still loved him and had a bunch of problems. He wasn’t about to admit it five minutes after he lied.

“Y/n, please wait. I promised my brother you’ll get home safely.” you sighed loudly and felt blood beginning to boil in your veins. You didn’t know he had the audacity to play like that right in your face. You really wanted to bite him and you turned around, suddenly realising that you couldn’t. You could absolutely not do this to him.

“Okay.” you said quickly and sat on the table that was standing in the front row.

“Text me when you’ll be home.” she grabbed his head in her arms, kissing him quickly. “I should go back.”

“Bye.” he smiled awkwardly.

“Nice meeting you.” she bowed to you on her way back and you nodded waiting for her to leave.

“So you’re just going to sit there and be quiet?” you heard his voice after five minutes of silence.

“What you want me to say?” you furrowed your eyebrows in confusion. “Good job Jinyoungie in seducing and actual teenager?” your chuckle sounded way too fake and you hated the fact you made any noise.

“See, I knew you have a lot to say.” you stood up and walked towards him. He had a pen in his hand, pausing from doing his papers to talk to you. You leaned with your butt on to the table, standing right next to Jinyoung.

“Nice table.” you sighed, running your fingers over the corners of it.

“Oh, don’t start.” he said annoyed.

“Start what?” the fact he kept this in mind, no even thought about it at this exact moment made you feel better.

“This thing with the table.”

“I just said it’s nice.”

“Yes and next you’ll start saying how nice it’s to be bent over it.” you laughed at him loudly.

“I didn’t mean to say that, but it makes me happy you still think of bending me over this table even though your girlfriend was kissing you 5 minutes ago.”

“I didn’t think of it, I just know how your brain works, that’s it.”

“Oh, come on Jinyoungie, you always get worked up if I’m getting right to the point.” he looked at you furiously and you chuckled. “Anyway, that was your girlfriend right?” you tilted your head. “She’s… really cute. Kind of young though, I thought you looked for someone more mature…”

“I wasn’t looking for anyone.”

“Oh, so she came into your life like an angel of love?”

“Shut up.” he looked at you furiously.

“But why did you think I have much to say? If I said accidentally that I love you it doesn’t mean I’ll be crying over your girlfriend. Or is that exactly what you wanted me to do?” you looked at him and moved closer. “Want me to beg you?” your fingers brushed his cheek.

“Let’s go home.” he said roughly and pushed you back.

“Why did you say I’m your freaking niece? That’s really dumb of you. Doesn’t she already know you would never?”

“Didn’t you know I would never and still believed when Johnny said I’m a cheater?” he stared at you expectantly.

“Jinyoung…”

“Anyway, I’m not in place to give away your secrets.”

“What secrets are you talking about? Just admit you were scared to tell her I’m your ex.”

“I wasn’t. I’m not in the place to tell everyone why you’re here. I didn’t want to tell her because I’ll have to explain things that I’m not in the place to.”

“Whatever, let’s go home.” you sighed feeling burdened by his words.

“Wait a minute, I need to put my things away.”

“I’ll wait outside.” you sighed and walked your way out of the building.

“I’m sorry, I shouldve not said anything back in the university. I’m acting like Johnny. I guess I really worth him.”

“Don’t say things like that.”

“No, I really am, I literally act like him, just reverse the situations from you and me and him being annoying, on you & your girlfriend and me that’s being annoying now.”

“I just should’ve told you she’s from work, you would’ve acted differently.” he shook his head and continued to slurp on his food.

“I know I shouldn’t be… but I’m still curious.”

“Mmh?”

“Can you tell me about her?”

“Why?”

“Just curious to know things about her since I’m your friend and she’s your girlfriend. When I’ll get a boyfriend I’ll tell you everything about him.”

“You will?”

“Yeah, I don’t think it’s something unusual to share these things with friends?”

“No, I mean you’ll get into a relationship?”

“Why not, I mean… with you I realised being with someone is fun, plus I’m not getting younger.” you tried to joke with him but he just nodded understandingly.

“I’m glad to hear it.”

“Yeah…” you nodded, fixing your eyes on your bowl. “I really should leave. It’s wrong for us to sleep in one bed and yeah… I obviously am not good at being friends.”

“Not true, and about the bed… it’s my fault. I came late and after shower I felt lazy to put sheets on the couch so I thought I’ll lay down for 10 minutes and then will go, but I fell asleep.”

“It’s fine, Jinyoung. Anyway, I should’ve not even agreed to stay at yours. I’ll go back home.”

“And what will you do if Johnny’s there? Or if he’ll come when you’re there?”

“Then I’ll have to act like I’m not home? Fight him, talk to him, I don’t know. I can’t make your life a mess it’s enough for me mine is.”

“Y/n, come on. Don’t make everything more complicated than it already is.”

“I just… honestly, I didn’t think you had a girlfriend for real. I thought you were still hurt by what I did, but then you left for a date, and I thought it’s kind of funny, but I didn’t think you’re actually on a date. Today, only today I realised you weren’t kidding or saying things to see my reaction. I just feel wrong for things I said earlier, feel wrong for probably not letting her come see you at your place because I’m fucking here. You had to lie to her about me and I know how much you hated, hate the thought of lying, and you had to do it to your loved one because of me. It seems like everywhere I go I just bring shit with me.”

“Y/n.” you raised your eyes and found Jinyoung smiling at you fatherly. He stood up and walked towards you to your surprise and you had to bend your neck terribly to see him, when he stop right behind you. His palms landed on your shoulders and you turned your head to look directly in front of you. “We need to change your mindset. You’re not bringing shit, you just have a difficult period in life and that’s normal to not act right. I understand it, I don’t judge you. You know that I still care for you very much, you still take a very big part of my heart and I can’t just let you leave when you’re in this mood.” his fingers lightly massaged your shoulders. Your eyes shut involuntary and you felt goosebumps run down your back. You didn’t know what effect he tried to have on you but all you could think of was how much you loved him. You just wanted his fingers to run down your arms to hold your fingers. You wanted him to kiss the top of your head, lean in and hug you from the back, telling you how he still loved you. Leaving in a dream for a whole year that he’ll be yours again one day made your comeback to reality way too difficult. Your brain could not accept Jinyoung being with someone else and you knew that the only problem in this was you. You hated to leave him again after not seeing Jinyoung for two weeks, but you thought that taking breaks might help you get over him. It clearly didn’t yet, but maybe it will work out eventually, you just needed to try harder. “Let’s agree on a few things?”

“What things?” you snapped back hearing his voice.

“First, were meeting up at the Saetgang for a run three times a week, pick the days yourself. Second, no more depressing thoughts. We’ll have to go see multiplications at the cinema once a week to make you feel better. Third, you can trust me. Trust me with anything you need or have problems with. I’m here to help and I’ll be very glad to help you with anything. Deal?”

“Jinyoung.” you sighed and turned to face him. “Spending 4 evenings a week with me is too much. Let’s not make your girlfriend uncomfortable.” you loved the idea but you had to act right.

“I’m running on my own any way there, you’ll just be my company. And for that one movie night… I think I can have the luxury of spending one evening with my friend.”

“I j…”

“Oh, I forgot. Fourth, if you want me to take you to a club or something, just say it. I know you can let yourself loose there and it’s definitely something very much needed now to let you go back to yourself.”

“Jinyoung, please.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re the very best and will always be.” You turned to face him and he put his hands away from you. You couldn’t hold back so you just hugged his waist tightly. “I swear to god.” his hand caressed your hair carefully. Suddenly you couldn’t hold yourself back from the thought of how close your face was to his dick. You tried to not think of it but the more you shoved those thoughts in the farthest corner of your brain the quicker they came back. Was it his cock that you pressed against with your throat? You pulled back and raised your head up to see his eyes. “Can we start our deal now?”

“Yeah, sure. What’s up?”

“Take me to a club.”

“Okay, when?”

“Today, now.” You bit onto your lower lip.

“Ah…I… Okay, yeah. Let’s do it.”

“One more thing?”

“Yeah?”

“Call your girlfriend.”

“Why?”

“I mean call her to go with us, you’ll definitely need company.” you smiled at him like a Cheshire Cat while he looked at you confused.

“Oh, you mean that. Okay, I’ll ask if she wants to come. Thanks.” he straightened his lips in a forced smile.

“Can we go to mine so I’ll change clothes?”

“Okay, I’ll get ready and we can leave.” he walked away from you, getting his attention onto your phone.

“Thanks.” you sang happily “Should I call the taxi?”

“I’ll drive.”

“Why?” You asked confused.

“I have two girls on me I can’t get drunk.” he said carelessly walking into his room. Your heart began beating faster when he peaked from behind the door. “And one of them is way too rebellious for my eyes to leave her for a second. And oh trust me, I’m not talking about Sona.” you smiled at him trying your best to not show with your smile that butterflies were trying to make a whole in your stomach and set free.

“Go put on your coolest grandpa sweater to sweep her off her feet.” he chuckled lowly and finally left.

Jinyoung walked up with you to your apartment, waiting for you on the couch while you were deciding between two dresses you bought last week while doing your make up. Your eyes finally picked the baby blue button-up dress and quickly put it on, unbuttoning a couple of the buttons. You looked in the mirror satisfied, feeling like it’s the first time you looked in the mirror and liked yourself in over a year.

“Y/n.” you heard Jinyoungs voice and turned your head to see him. “You’re very beautiful.” he looked stunned.

“Thank you.” you smiled shyly at him.

“Sona will come. Which one do you want to go to? She said she’ll get in a taxi in 20 minutes.”

“I don’t care. Just anything I have never been too.”

“Okay, I’ll try to find something.” he looked back at his phone, probably searching clubs on Naver.

“Jinyoung?”

“Yeah?” his head turned back to see you.

“Unbutton one more or not?” you let him see how it was before undoing one more button. It’s probably looked too much even to your taste, but the question was asked already so you wanted to know what he thought.

“Button up two more.” he said strictly forcing a cackle out of you.

“You’re very strict mr. Park. I really do not envy your girlfriend.” you took your bag in your hands, walking towards him.

“Don’t you know men will stare.”

“Maybe that’s what I am aiming for, huh?” you chuckled and grabbed him by the wrist to walk him out of your house.

“How old is Sona?”

“Why?” his eyes ran quickly from road to you and back.

“Just curious.”

“25.”

“Okay.” you nodded and turned to look out of the window.

“Why?”

“Why are you so stressed?” you chuckled and turned back to him. “I’m just asking out of curiosity. She always worked at the university?”

“No, she came this year.”

“Did she caught your eye first or…?”

“No. She came up to me. I didn’t plan to date anyone. She just kept on coming up out of nowhere and I realised suddenly when she’s there I stop thinking of you, and when I stop thinking of you I actually begin to function. That’s why I thought it’s a nice idea to be with her.”

“You like her, right?”

“Of course I do, why you’re asking?”

“I’m just glad you’re happy. You never deserved suffering or any of it.”

“No one deserves it.” he said strictly and you turned your head to look at him. His hands were gripping onto the steering wheel vigorously.

“No, I’m suffering because I made you suffer it’s the instant karma or whatever. I’ll try my best to get myself a Sona that will help me to get over you. I hope I’ll find that person and will be able to provide a healthy friendship you’d be satisfied with.” Jinyoung turned his head to look at you and you stopped moving.

“I believe in you.” his hand touched your cheek, caressing the top of your head quickly.

“How did it feel when you understood you don’t love me anymore? Refreshing?”

“No.”

“You just felt at ease?”

“No.” his hand let go of you and he turned his attention back to driving.

“Free?”you asked.

“No. I felt like I died because I solemnly believed I’d never let go of you.” he said lowly and you gulped in silence. “I doubt myself once in a while if a gave up too easily and the day I saw you I suddenly felt like I should drop everything and get back with you no matter what, but then I got back to my senses.” he peeked at you quickly. “We probably won’t work out. Not anymore.” you nodded quickly and turned away. Your eyes glistened and you looked up to not ruin the eyeliner you did so thoroughly.

“Anything I should know of your plans?” Jinyoung asked you when he parked his car next to a club you’ve never seen before.

“Just don’t get in the way.”

“That’s mean.” he pouted and you looked away immediately.

“You can leave when you’ll feel like it. I’ll be fine.” you added quickly unbelting the belt and turning to step out.

“No, we came together, we’re leaving together. I’ll drive both you and Sona home.”

“I don’t know in what home I’ll end up tonight so don’t worry.” you rolled your eyes and left the car. “Where’s Sona?” you asked when Jinyoung stood in front of you.

“She just texted me she’s inside.”

“Okay, good, let’s go.” you moved towards the entrance and finally got into the loud aura of the club. The club was filled with teenagers and you wondered where did Jinyoung found it. You looked around more actually peaking on a couple of guys around your age.

“Sona’s there.” you heard Jinyoung’s voice close to your ear. His fingers wrapped around your elbow and you could feel his torso with your back. You wanted to melt away in the moment right before the memories of him saying you’ll never work out popped up in your head.

“Don’t.” you pushed him off you.

“Jinyoungie, I want to dance.” you heard Sona’s drunken voice and turned to look at Jinyoung.

“Okay, go. I’ll look out for you from here.” she stood up and hung on his neck instead of leaving.

“Just go with her.” you blabbered annoyed. If you knew she’d act this way after one drink you’d never ask him to bring her. Jinyoung stared at you for a second, standing up and leaving your sight. You took one more sip of the rum in your hand.

“Are the three of you dating?” you raised your head immediately and turned at the voice. Guessing it was one of the teenagers you were stunned by the man’s handsomeness and maturity when you saw him.

“Want to be the fourth?” you smirked and turned away.

“Not interested.” you could hear by his voice he smirked too.

“I would’ve arranged it for you.” you turned back around to him.

“Your dress is pretty. The whole outfit is screaming too much though.”

“A very weird compliment.”

“I wasn’t trying to compliment.”

“Oh, okay.” you nodded your head and took a sip.

“You’re not going to ask screaming of what?”

“Nah, you’ll probably say something weird.” he chuckled and you looked at his face more accurately. He probably was over 30 but still looked very young and fancy through his clothes.

“What you’re thinking?” he asked you when you stared at him dumbly for too long. You should’ve said something before but completely zoned out with all the alcohol you consumed previously.

“I want to kiss you.” you blabbered just whatever and looked him in the eyes expecting for him to be taken aback. He bit lightly onto his tongue.

“I can’t say no to a lady.” he smirked and licked his lips. You leaned in to him and to find balance you pressed your palms against his thighs. You leaned in more and parted your lips slightly to kiss him when his hand caught your face midway. You just felt like he’d chicken out, there was something about his face. “Just like that? How often do you kiss strangers at clubs?” you squinted your eyes at him and sat back.

“You were bout to be the first one in two years.”

“I should’ve guessed.” he nodded seriously.

“How would you have guessed this?”

“Your aura screams you seek revenge. You probably fought with your boyfriend and will regret later anything you’ll do tonight.”

“Oh boy, you’re so wrong.” you giggled lightly. “What’s your name?”

“Junwon.”

“I’m Y/n.”

“It’s nice to meet you.” he smiled friendly at you.

“You’re drinking?” he nodded in reply.

“Let’s get you a drink then, Junwon.”

Your lips weren’t giving him a break even for a second. Junwon had to pull you off him every now and then just to take a breathe in. You wanted him to touch you more and kiss you harder but he just kept his hands on your waist, kissing you back politely. Your hand held onto his cheek gently, sucking onto his lower lip. He hugged you tighter finally and your hand hooked over his neck.

“Want to go to my place?” you pulled back just to be able to talk and the both of you looked at each other. He looked behind you and moved his eyes back to you, shaking his head a no slightly. “Yours then?” you smirked and he smiled at you weirdly.

“Just give me your phone number.”

“Huh?”

“Let’s see each other again maybe in the daytime?” his fingers flexed on your waist and bit onto your lip. “You seem fun, I don’t want to just sleep and never talk again.”

“We can sleep and talk after for how long you want to.” you pulled in again, trying to kiss him.

“I think your friend wants to talk to you.” he moved his neck back not letting you to do what you wanted.

“Who?” you furrowed your eyebrows and turned around. Junwon let go of you immediately and the thought that it was actually nice to have someone touching you gently rushed through your mind once again. Jinyoung stood in front of you with Sona hanging on his shoulder. In the past two hours you forgot completely that you came here with them, you were so consumed with Junwon it confused you for a couple of seconds what friend he was talking about. “Yeah?” you raised your brows a little when asking. Suddenly the thought that you’d give everything to hang against Jinyoung’s shoulder instead of Sona rushed through your brain.

“Let’s go home? It’s three and Sona drank too much. I have to go to work tomorrow, you too.” his lips next to your ear formed all those shivers that ran down your spine. The sound of his low voice made you even more drunk than you were before.

“I’ll go with him.” you pointed behind you.

“Are you sure?” you were hoping he asked because somewhere deep down of him he felt a sting of jealousy. You tried to think through when you felt Junwon touch your wrist.

“Sorry I overheard you, but you should really go home. I’ll text you tomorrow, I actually have to wake up early too so I’ll leave now.”

“Are you somehow a way too responsible type of person?”

“No, I don’t think so, why?”

“Just because you’re pretty I’ll forgive you for not giving me what I want, Junwon.” you patted his shoulder lightly.

“And I’m very grateful. Get home safe.” he smiled and probably expected for you to leave but you leaned in and kissed him slowly.

“Bye.” you smiled and walked next to Jinyoung.

“You okay?“ he asked, doing his seatbelt. Sona was knocked off on the back seat and you tried your best to look as sober as ever.

“Yeah, why?”

“You drank a lot with that guy.”

“Were you stalking?” you turned your body towards him. You were thinking this was the moment you two make out with his girlfriend sleeping in the back.

“I was keeping an eye on you to make sure you were okay.”

“You’re sweet, Jinyoungie.” you raised your hand and rubbed his cheek with the back of your hand. His cheeks were as soft as ever and you felt that burning inside of you to kiss it.

“Will you take Sona home first or will you take her to yours?”

“I don’t know.“

“Why?”

“I don’t know where she lives or the code.”

“Fuck.” you mumbled with your lips only, you just wanted to make him stay with you and it all was ruined. “I can wake her up and ask her?”

“It’s fine, I’ll just take all of us to mine.”

“Ugh, actually take me home please.”

“It’s fine, there’s enough space for all of us.”

“Isn’t it strange…? She’ll ask why I stay at yours, just let me go home. You can walk me up and even tuck me in bed… this is up to your will though.”

“Fool.” he shook his head disapprovingly.

“Your favourite fool, right?” you grabbed his arm and he definitely was startled. You pulled it closer to your body and hugged it. Jinyoungs fingers caressed the upper part of your thigh.

“You definitely had too much.” he chuckled lowly. “Are you sure? About the home?”

“Yeah.” you nodded and watched him drive to a different lane to make a turn. You still held onto his arm tightly, feeling how his palm rested against your leg now. You could almost feel yourself falling asleep when Jinyoung’s light taps brought you back to life.

“We’re here.”

“Thank you. For everything.” you smiled at him and was wishing you never needed to let go of

him.

“Don’t say your goodbyes, I’ll walk you up.”

“Is Sona going to be fine…?” you looked back at the girl that was stretched now on the back seat, fast asleep.

“I’m sure she will be.” he looked at her too.

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