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prosciuttulipa · 3 months

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What profession would La Squadra be in, if they weren't in the mafia?

aka what normal jobs La Squadra would use their Stand abilities for because I love being a bit silly

Risotto: Blacksmith/Artisan

I feel this is rather intuitive, with Metallica. He's one of the most sought after blacksmiths in Italy, and is famous for producing kitchen knives. Any self-respecting chef knows of Risotto's knives— the word around is that his knives are so sharp, they cut through bone like butter. They require little to no maintenance, not to mention the fact that it takes years for them to start getting dull. Because of their outstanding quality, Risotto's knives are constantly in high demand, so much so that he's able to jack up the prices to eyewatering amounts. They're also limited in stock, since he only makes 52 a year, one for each week.

(He can definitely make more, but why bother? Work smart, not hard.)

He also has other side brands to his blacksmith business. He has a branch for barber supplies—razors and hairdressing scissors, whose blades also share that signature sharpness. He tried to start a side brand for stationery, but quickly stopped production when it was reported that kids had hurt themselves on the scissors and mechanical pencils. Luckily, the scandal was quickly forgiven, seeing that Risotto had covered these kids' medical fees as soon as he was notified.

His favourite side brand, however, is his jewellery. It's a hit amongst the goth and emo communities, who enjoy his horror-inspired designs. There's one design that has been affectionately dubbed 'Ghosties': little monsters with ghoulish faces, wiggling around in bunches. His most popular product is his blood jewellery—buyers send him a vial of their blood, and he transforms it into a jewellery piece of their choosing. The patterns on the metal arise from the makeup of the client's blood, making each piece one-of-a-kind.

Prosciutto: Winery Owner

Rotting is just a hop, skip and a jump away from fermenting, and The Grateful Dead always delivers results.

Prosciutto's wines are an enigma to connoisseurs. A general rule of thumb is that wine is better the longer it's been fermented, but Prosciutto's year-old wines taste like they've been aged for decades. This makes his actual, decade-old wines the pinnacle of decadence: rich, smooth, and unforgiving on the wallet.

His winery produces all sorts, but he's most famous for his red wines. They're full-bodied and complex the way a symphony is, each layer arising with an almost engineered exactness. Many say that he's managed to manipulate the precise amount of fermentation for each component—a compliment that Prosciutto receives with a wry smile.

Most people are happy to accept that wineries have their trade secrets, but Prosciutto's one generates more discourse than most. His winery has been the subject of many a rumour—that he steals and resells other wineries' products; that he adds illegal substances into his wines to make them taste that good; that he's a nepo baby who inherited his father's wine collection and is just slapping his own brand onto old bottles.

It's when an investigative journalist tries to break into Prosciutto's winery, only for his body to turn up in a river a week later, that the rumours stop circulating. There have been a few more attempts to unveil the winery's secrets since then, but each one has resulted in more dead bodies. If it's a competing winery who's trying to do some digging, they find that an entire decade of their wine goes bad the very next day.

Because of this, Prosciutto's winery has also earned the nickname, 'Azrael's Wine'. It hasn't affected sales in the slightest.

Formaggio: Heister

I'm certain that there are other jobs which Little Feet would be useful for, but Formaggio likes to live life on the edge. He's the only person (aside from Illuso) that I can see willingly choosing a life of crime, if he had a chance for a do-over.

So yes, he absolutely would abuse his abilities to steal things. He starts small at first, nicking wallets and watches, taking them off their owners without piquing their notice. But as he grows more confident, he pulls off more elaborate robberies—stealing diamond necklaces off their stands in broad daylight, sneaking into safes by shrinking to the size of their locks, breaking them from the inside out. He's more than able to get in and out without a trace, but Formaggio is a cocky bastard, and leaves a shrunken shoe at each scene, a sign that he was there and got away with it. As his crimes start to gain traction, the shoes earn him the nickname, 'Ken Doll'.

His biggest heist is when he steals the chandelier from Tiffany's. It takes a week to pull off, unscrewing the chandelier slowly and imperceptibly, shrinking parts of it in the night. He has to live inside the chandelier the entire time, but he doesn't mind; it's beautiful, and he feels like he's in a mansion. But as soon as the last screw is undone, he shrinks the chandelier and stuffs it into his pocket, taking off with a triumphant cackle. The only evidence that he was there is a cheeky, normal-sized shoe hanging from the ceiling.

Illuso: Storage Facility Owner (?)

I feel like Illuso is the sort of person you imagine when someone says, "I know a guy," and Man in the Mirror doesn't help his case in the slightest. Or maybe that's how he likes it. Hard to tell, with Illuso.

On his business cards, he's a storage facility owner. He owns several warehouses, and they're well maintained. Companies who store with him are impressed by how neat everything is, not a single dust particle to be found when they retrieve their items. Contrary to popular belief (re: his resting bitch face), he provides excellent customer service, things showing up where and when they're needed without a hitch.

But there are a few things about the operation that feel a bit...off. There are no employees in these warehouses, save for the occasional elderly cleaner. Illuso doesn't hire any delivery trucks for his company, which doesn't line up with the amount of things he has to store and transport. Then there's the matter that all the storage rooms are lined with mirrors. It strikes his clients as strange—what if something falls and shatters the glass?—but they never comment.

One time, a salesman had forgotten his things in one of the storage rooms, having just delivered 20 boxes of supplies. He returned to the room, and to his surprise, found that nothing was in there, save for what he had left behind. Distressed, he went to find Illuso, saying that someone had stolen his company's supplies.

"Relax, sir," Illuso had assured him, with a smile that the salesman didn't dare question, "everything is safe with me, I assure you."

After all, what safer storage is there than a mirror world?

Melone: Fortune Teller for Couples

Melone will be making no strange creatures with Baby Face, but he will be using it to predict couple compatibility, and the character of their children, should they want any.

At first, he started off by giving predictions to his girl friends when they met on Sundays for tea, accurately guessing whether the new person they were dating would be a hit or a miss. It had been all fun and games at first, but when it became clear that Melone's accuracy was damn near perfect, Sunday tea times were taken with all the seriousness of a prophecy. His friends invited more friends, who invited more friends, until he ended up just opening a stall on Sundays to predict couple compatibility.

Apart from his skill, Melone's personality made him a major hit from the get-go. He gave surprisingly good advice that wasn't just "incompatible horoscopes", offering insightful ideas about communication, boundaries and care. However, he would occasionally forget to follow what he preached, becoming enamoured with how pretty a woman's skin was, or explaining in entirely too much detail how fertile someone's husband would be if they wanted children.

He became significantly more careful with his tongue (both literally and figuratively) when he was scouted by radio for his predictions, widening his audience to the entirety of Italy. His show, 'Matching with Melone', aired during Sunday tea times, during which couples would send in their details and horoscopes. There was doubt as to whether or not Melone's accuracy would hold up, but without fail, he managed to predict the fortune or downfall of each couple he interviewed.

Once, a listener rang in, saying that Melone had predicted the outcome of their relationship incorrectly. The man had laughed, and answered, "Darling, Melone is never wrong. Only your horoscope is."

It turns out that, as always, Melone was right. The listener thought that their partner was a Pisces, but it turns out they were an Aries instead. Oops.

Ghiaccio: Freezer Warehouse Owner

Unlike Illuso, Ghiaccio's business is fairly cut and dry. What you see is what you get, with White Album keeping his freezers cold all year round. He's only got one warehouse, located near the coast for fishermen to dump their produce in.

There's honestly not much to say about Ghiaccio's life. He keeps out of people's way, finding them irritating most of the time; his job is a means of money, not purpose. Aside from the daily check that his freezers are still freezing, he spends most of his time relaxing on the dock, hanging out with Pesci (elaborated on in Pesci's part). He hates that the coast is such a popular tourist spot, though. He can't stand it when he hears foreigners mispronouncing Italian words.

Otherwise, it's a quiet existence. Sometimes, when he's feeling it, he'll freeze a path into the sea, standing on the ice to watch the stars.

Pesci: Fisherman

True to Beach Boy, Pesci finds a quiet and fulfilling life as a fisherman. Although his ability ensures that he has a catch every time, he makes sure not to overfish, so that the ecosystem stays balanced. He doesn't have his own stall at the local fisherman's market, preferring to sell his catch from his boat instead. He finds that he's able to converse with the locals in a much more intimate manner this way, taking his time to chat with them instead of hurrying them off for the next customer.

Once he's sold everything for the day, Pesci spends his afternoons trying to teach Ghiaccio how to fish; Ghiaccio had approached him about it, the man saying that he had heard it was a good way to learn patience. It's been slow going. Sitting on the dock and waiting for a fish to bite has not seemed to produce any further patience for Ghiaccio, but he returns day after day out of spite. Though, Pesci likes to think it's a little bit for his company as well.

They talk idly about town affairs and daily life, otherwise happy to sit in silence. Every so often, Pesci will use his ability to guide a fish onto Ghiaccio's line, smiling as his friend lets out a triumphant shout. It feels good, to give back.

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theclockworkkidart · 5 months

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(Mer AU) Merfolk enjoy doing each other’s hair and perching on rocks, that part of the stereotype is true. Well with Risotto’s pod, you’re more likely to get dragged over and your hair done up nicely by Prosciutto. He’s fussy and needs control. Melone doesn’t mind and actually likes it.

Melone does his research once he gets bored of annoying Prosciutto. At this point he becomes super focused on it and Illuso took the opportunity to step in and do his hair.

#jojos bizarre adventure #jjba #vento aureo #la squadra #tckmerau #jojo prosciutto #jojo melone #jojo illuso

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crazyyanderefangirlfan · 11 months

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illuso: if i say i love you, will you say it back?

(y/n): yes.

illuso: i love you.

(y/n): it back.

*later*

formaggio: why is illuso crying face-down on the floor?

—

melone: so, what is ghiaccio to you?

(y/n): the reason i wake up every morning.

melone: ...that’s adorable.

ghiaccio earlier that morning, barging into (y/n)′s room, smacking pans together: WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP, WAKE UP!

(if you want me to stop let me know.)

Formaggio: I don't know whether to laugh or pity him

(Y/N): Ghia is the perfect alarm clock, and all you have to shut him up is to kiss him

#la squadra #la squadra di esecuzione #la squadra esecuzioni #la squadra x reader #jojo illuso #jjba formaggio #jojo formaggio #jojo melone #jojo ghiaccio #jjba ghiaccio

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berylcups · 29 days

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Yandere Files: Illuso x Shy Reader

CW: Somnophilia, Stalking, murder, impregnation mention, alcohol

Here’s Babbys first yandere post. 🥴 it’s not gruesome but it is very lewd. I guess this more of a “softer” yandere than I anticipated but this was mostly for my own self indulgence lol. I hope this is good enough for everyone 💜 Minors DNI NSFW

It’s not every day La Squadra is given a new teammate. It’s definitely a first for an AFAB to come into the group of hardened criminals. It’s been about 7 months now, and nobody knows a goddamn thing about you. You stay to yourself , you don’t make small talk, eye contact, or show any sort of an emotion. You speak so softly… that they have to strain their ears just to understand what you are saying. It’s always in short choppy sentences.

How are you doing today Y/N? “Good.”

Did you do anything over the weekend? “I slept.”

Tell the guys what you did to that target! “Killed him.”

No, hooow did you kill him? “ High speed train…heading to Roma Termini.”

Where are you heading off to Y/N? “Out.”

Out where? “To the cafe.”

Getting any information out of you was like pulling teeth. The only thing they knew was that they were a foreigner from _______.

Illuso was tasked with spying on you because you were so quiet and reserved. Can you blame them? After what happened to Sorbet and Gelato you can’t be too sure to make sure you're not part of the bosses secret mission to snitch on them.

Illuso keeps a good eye on you. He seen where you live, what your real personality is like. Who your friends are… who your family are… and knows all about your pets and which one is secretly your favorite.

All the while you slowly warm up just a little to the others more, illuso keeps acting like a complete jerk to keep up with appearances. He doesn’t want you knowing he’s watching your every move. He doesn’t wanna admit it but he’s slowly becoming attached.

He watches you clean… cook… play with your cats and treat them like babies. It makes him start to day dream thinking about you doing those sorts of things for him or just with him. He can feel his cheeks tinting pink.

If you have any interest in any of the other teammates or if they have interest in you, he’ll sabotage anything by telling you something embarrassing about them.

“Hey Y/N! Did you know that Prosciutto is old enough to be your DAD??? Hahaha!”

“Illuso shut the fuck up! Don’t make me get Grateful Dead out on your ass!”

He suddenly feels agitated when your partner calls… why is that? When he hears you arguing loudly over the phone with them and you’re upset/crying, he’s suddenly a lot nicer to you. Weird. Illusos not a nice guy, so what’s his deal???

Despite his hatred of you having a partner he fondles himself watching you two getting intimate. He gets just as sexually frustrated as you do when you can’t climax. Can’t your partner do anything right?! Get rid of the loser so he can do it for you himself!

He will sabotage your relationship with your partner. He’ll throw used condoms in the glove box of your shared car or under the mattress. Put perfume or lipstick stains on their clothes. Anything to get you to argue and break up. And for extra measure he’s gonna send them to the mirror realm and pummel them to death.

Once the partner is out of the way. He starts being a lot nicer. He’ll include you in on teasing others and if that’s not your vibe he’ll tell you all of the juiciest gossip he has as he plays with your hair while watching trash reality tv.

He’s stingy with everyone and won’t let others try his stuff but he’ll wanna you try a new product he bought himself(mostly just for you).

“Y/N, you’re safe with me. I wanna try this new hair mask out on you. I bet it will make your hair feel so silky. “

When you're not home/out on a mission it’s a perfect opportunity to take in your scent. He’s gonna find what fragrances you use so he can use them to jerk off with. He’ll take a pair of panties that been well used out of the hamper to smell and when he’s feeling extra desperate he’ll lick a long stripe up then too to savor your natural taste.

When you two have missions together he’ll be the nicest guy ever. He won’t even treat it like a mission. It will be like a mini vacation. He will insist on getting a 1 bed hotel room so you two have to share. Even if it’s king sized, the man is HUGE. He’s gonna have some amount of contact with your body and he’s gonna love every minute of it.

He’ll make sure your nice and drunk so when you fall asleep you don’t wake up or remember anything as he thigh fucks you from behind panting sweet nothings into your ear as your blissfully off into dreamland thinking your just having a wet dream.

“You’re mine, you got that? Nobody can have this cunt but me… I swear I’m gonna knock you up so nobody can take you away from me. I don’t really want a kid but I’ll do everything I can to keep you from leaving.”

He’s gonna make you his regardless. He’s never been so attached to anyone before and he’s spoiled so he’s gonna get what he wants . So consider yourself “lucky “ this yandere chose you and get cock drunk because he’s isn’t going to stop pounding anytime soon.

“ I hope you can accept my love Y/N. Because I’m not letting you go! You’re mine and nobody else’s! My god, I love you so damn much…”

#jjba #jjba part 5 #la squadra #jjba x reader #jojo illuso #jjba illuso #illuso #illuso x reader #yandere illuso #la squadra esecuzioni #la squadra di esecuzione #la squadra x reader #minors dni

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rae-pss · 9 months

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(y/n): i fell—

illuso: from heaven?

(y/n): no, i literally fell—

illuso: in love with me the moment you saw me?

(y/n): MY ARM IS BROKEN!

illuso: okay, but do you think i'm pretty? be honest.

#— quotes.#— jjba.#illuso jjba #jjba x reader #jojo illuso #illuso x reader #jjba illuso #illuso jojo #la squadra di esecuzione #la squadra #jjba incorrect quotes

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sreberkot · 10 months

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Paycheck 💰💰💰

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narancias-headband · 1 year

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Doing this to La Squadra

Apologies, that TikTok just... Inspired me...

Okay so... That link broke?? It was a TikTok wherein men would take a shot, then get a glass of water thrown into their face before receiving a hearty slap. Soooo... That's the basis here. 😅

And I think I'm gonna just...

NSFW - 18+ - Minors DNI

Risotto

He's gonna have to be drunk drunk first. Probably gets peer pressured by the rest of the team to let you. Handles it like a champ; doesn't flinch, doesn't whine, just takes it. Oh, but that slap did something to him. He's a bit scary the rest of the night, dark and intense. Don't worry, he's not mad. He's literally just really horny and doesn't know what to do about it. He might make that your responsibility.

Formaggio

He thinks it sounds kinda fun, and he's not even that drunk. Excitedly gets in position and gives you this big cheesy grin. It was not as fun as he expected, but he's a good sport. He laughs and smiles as he readjusts his jaw. It hurt a lot more than he thought it would. Will ask you to kiss it better sometime later.

Prosciutto

Shoots you down immediately. Says it sounds barbaric. Once someone says that 'he's just scared' you see his jaw tense. Not wanting to be seen as a coward, he sits across from you, straightens out his jacket, looks you dead in the eyes and downs his shot. You better be ready to follow through. This is about him proving something now, and you're here to make that happen. He's very tight lipped about the whole thing afterwards. He's not letting you know how he feels. Lets his hair down since it's all wet now anyway. 👀

Pesci

When you explain what the plan is, Pesci is terrified. He can hardly down a shot anyway, and now you're going to splash him with cold water and slap him across the face? He's going to take some serious convincing and peer pressure. If/when he finally caves, do him a favor here; make the slap look worse than it is. When he's able to brush it off better than anyone expected, he gains some massive respect with the team for a while.

Ghiaccio

He's not into the idea. At all. But after a few insults from the team, he's angrily getting ready for it. He's got something to prove, I guess. He's got quite the scowl going on until your hand hits him. Whoops... Was there some pent up anger in that slap? Maybe. He probably deserves it, though. He tries to stay stoic, but man that slap did something to his brain. He hates that he liked it somehow. His scowl stays plastered across his face, but if you watch his eyes intently, you'll see them shift to a dreamy, faraway look. He's going to be extra mean to you for a while because he's bad at emotions.

Illuso

He's more worried about the splash of water than anything else. Will whine about not wanting to get his hair wet. Once you concede to not splashing him, he's game. Downs his shot and sends the cockiest, most shit-eating grin your way. Why did you let him weasel his way out of the splash? He deserves it. This slap isn't nearly enough of a comeuppance for the cocky bastard. Or... Maybe it was. It hit much harder than he expected, and now he's kind of mad that you went through with it. He's going to be pouting all night about it. You're gonna have to do some serious sucking up in order to get back on his good side.

Melone

Is excited for anything that makes your hands touch him in any way, shape, or form. He's fidgeting in his seat, amped on the anticipation, as you get ready. Full on moans when you hit him. He's the worst. Genuinely hopes this becomes a new tradition. He'd love to get slapped by you again. He bruises like a peach and he'll soon have a hand shaped purple splotch across his cheek. It makes you feel awful, but don't worry, he loves it.

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shineonyoucrazyyandere · 11 months

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Hi! How about a hcs with a gender neutral reader that gets turned into a cat temporarily by a stand, how would la squadra react?

Have a nice day :>

Sure! I’ll go character by character on this one

Yandere! La Squadra w/ gn! Darling turned into a cat by a stand

Risotto - *bat bat bat* He hears the soft sound of something messing around with his hat (he takes it off every so often aside from showers and sleeping). There’s immediate suspicion as he goes to investigate, finding a cat rather than you mesmerized by the golden baubles that spelled his name. Doesn’t take long for the leader himself to put two and two together that you are the cat. Considering he makes sure you won’t escape whatsoever any other time.

It’s hard to tell but his eyes soften slightly from amusement of cat you playing with his hat. He’ll likely pick you up, expression hardening at a potential stand user looming around. He’ll immediately order the rest of the group to be on high alert and track down the user. As cute as you were in cat form, he was not amused by this little trick no matter how harmless it seemed.

Formaggio - manages to squeeze a crude joke, makes a casual comment of how cute you were like that. How he’d love to spend time with you being like that more, while scratching under your chin. He observes if your full on cat, which seems to be the case. Doesn’t mean he won’t be constantly bringing up how willingly you allowed him to pet you, when you revert back later.

Illuso - Amused you were turned into a cat of all things, he’d love to have alone time with you in his mirror world without disturbance. Just an hour or two of holding you close to him. He wouldn’t lie he would have extra satisfaction of bashing the stand users face in from turning you into a cat. Though before that he snaps a picture with a camera of you in cat form for later usage.

Melone - coos and fawns over you the second he sets eyes on you. Even in cat form you seem to be fairly stiff around him, and he absolutely notes every behavior like a decent scientist would. Light touches and pets down the back, and he doesn’t flinch if you decide to try and scratch. You can be certain he’ll be calling you kitten or similar cat nicknames when you revert. Not to mention maybe receiving cat related clothing or other items.

Ghiaccio - In typical fashion he’s more irate that somehow someone got passed them enough to do something to you. He might pet you a bit while ranting how he’s likely going to freeze the user solid if he narrows down where they are. He does think you’re cute in all honesty, he’s simply pissed a slip up on his part or his team caused this headache. The scene is mildly amusing as he continues his rant and pets your soft fur. He’ll likely mention how cute you were with a smirk when he calms down and you’re back to normal.

Prosciutto - As obnoxious as Ghiaccio’s yelling could be, he’s also aggravated at this massive oversight. He definitely ends up approaching to pet you, knowing full well he’ll have to take care of any fur that gets on his suit later. He notes the color of your eyes in cat formed more observationally than anything. Coaxes you to come closer, while side eyeing Pesci who seems giddy at you being a cat. It’s cute but he wants you in human form back as a soon as possible.

Pesci - He’s pretty much over the moon upon seeing you, but trying to keep it to a lower level so he doesn’t end up being poked fun at. Or alternatively being slightly reprimanded by Prosciutto for losing composure when an enemy could be in the vicinity. He has all sorts of thoughts of using one of those mouse toys with you. The man’s pretty much squeaking internally at how cute you were all while giving you some nice head pats. Though he would diligently help eliminate the perpetrator when it came down to it.

Sorbet and Gelato - both of them are pretty fond of the attitude of cats, and they both laugh that you were turned into one of all things. They’ll likely make fun of the user for such a ridiculous strategy, even if they’re nowhere near around. All taking turns holding you, noting how helpless you were not that it made a difference being human either. They both figure out where you like being pet almost immediately, and of course maybe weaponize it against you later like some of the other members of La Squadra.

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diovstheworld · 1 year

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La Squadra Shitposts #4

i cant stop making these i am so sorry 💔 anyway enjoy the fourth of these damn shitposts. sorry so many are illuso and formaggio again oh my gosh lmao

୨ ╭ ୨୧ ✦ ︶꒷꒦・⎯⎯・⎯⎯・₊ˎ✧๑

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r0z0 · 1 year

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How would LS react to an s/o who thinks their stand looks cute or endearing and doesn't limit physical affection to just the user? Thanks!

Hi!!! Ofc.

La Squadra when their s/o gives physical affection not only to the user!

Risotto

"What are ya doing?". Confused. Why would you want to touch Mettalica? It's dangerous killer stand.

Kind of likes it.

"Ask next time."

Prosciutto

Don't ever try it. His ex tried, and now you know why she's an ex (she dead, dead as hell).

He will slap your hands away when you try to touch his stand.

Pesci

You can hold his stand. It's just a regular fishing rod.

It's not very sensitive either, but he likes when you tell him that his stand is useful. It makes him fell special.

Melone

"NO. Do not touch it. It can impregnate anything anytime!"

~ Ghiaccio

Formaggio

The moment you get your hands on Little Feet he feels like he got touched by the hand of God.

"It's better than an orgasm..."

Will ask you to do it when he's sad or almost dying.

Illuso

Sneaky bitch. You won't have a chance to even touch it.

"It's too precious for you to touch."

Ghiaccio

Oh my fucking God. This man got way too relaxed when you pat his shoulders when he was using White Album.

It's his teritory now. He will bite if someone tries to does it, but since it's you.

You live in his heart rent free now.

#la squadra #jjba #prosciutto #ghiaccio #la squadra di esecuzione #vento aureo #ghiaccio x reader #risotto nero #melone #formaggio #jojo illuso

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shadowywerewolf-main · 2 years

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LA SQUADRA'S CRACK FILES

Rookie's Survival Guide

1. Don't approach Risotto with the query of whereabouts of Carpentry Tools. He will pull one out of your mouth.

2. For male candidates only: Atleast 1/3rd of your torso area must remain exposed at all times. Ghiaccio is an exception, owing to the risk of team members end up suffering from hypothermia.

3. You are not allowed to keep a mirror in your bedroom.

4. Ghiaccio does not function as an air conditioner. Do not request any related help.

5. Formaggio's feline is claustrophobic; handle with care.

6. For candidates with long hair: Do not borrow hair ties from Illuso unless you do not cherish your privacy.

7. Operation 'Deprive Risotto of his Peace' is not an official mission, no matter what Gelato says.

8. Saying 'I didn't do it' gets you investigated.

9. Sorbet does not eat people. You are request not to get scared in case Formaggio states so.

10. You are to partake in household activities every Sunday. Assigned task will not be changed.

11. For female candidates only: Do not allow Melone to take your blood samples for 'science'.

12. Do not pet any member's Stand incase they approach you with affection. You will be locked in a jar.

13. Don't touch Formaggio's belongings. You will be locked in a jar.

14. DO NOT INTERFERE WITH THE TEAM'S BROMANCE. THAT SHIT IS SERIOUS FOR THE FAMIGLIA. /srs

15. Dude, bro, homie, man, fam, etc. are gender neutral terms for the members. Female candidates must not look forward to being called 'sis'. The members are not used to it and feel threatened to the mentions of 'sis' or related terms.

16. Do not roleplay in front of the bathroom mirror.

17. You must not use other's preferred utensils.

18. Perform your bathroom routines before Illuso, Melone or Prosciutto get the access.

19. The hair in the bathtub is not alive no matter what Illuso claims.

20. Buy yourself 5 pairs of earplugs before moving in.

21. In case Melone talks of REAL SCIENCE (only), listen to him patiently.

22. Respect women and don't act like a douchebag. We might be assassins but disrespecting ANYONE is looked down upon. You'll be locked in a jar.

23. You will be assigned a seat for team meetings. You cannot change your seat. You must not change your seat.

24. Wake up before 07:00 Hours, unless you like a bucket of water thrown at you.

25. Cleaning the toilet with only a toothbrush and dish soap is not a part of member acceptance procedures, no matter what Sorbet says.

26. Pesci is not imported from Antarctica, no matter what Gelato says.

27. Prosciutto is prone to getting paranoid to new members. Approach gently.

28. Do not use Proverbs or Idioms when Ghiaccio is within the premises. Purchase yourself a grammar book to read in your free time.

29. You are to be present at every 'Gossip Club Meeting' and you must bring with yourself dark nail paints for Sorbet and Gelato to exploit.

30. Demand a pay raise, and you will be locked in a jar.

Issued by

Risotto Nero

Supreme Overlord

Note: See 23rd point for the reference

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yachiblanca · 2 years

Text

lmao it's been a week since I last wrote something, but heyyyyy... here's another.

18+ Content, Minors do not interact!

Strange Apartment (Yan!Illuso x Reader)

↑

TW : your ex lover is a man, attempt of suicide, mentions of murder & blood, violence, unchecked errors 💀

----- = time skip

▼= small moments a few days after

It's been a few days since your last break up, yet you still feel your heart aching for that person you once loved had left you, left you for another bitch. You thought to yourself- were you not enough? You always made your self look nice to them, with all the jewelries and fitting clothes along with scents that makes him remember you everytime, everything didn't work after all those efforts.

You were still frustrated and deeply hurt, but you still convince yourself that you're more attractive than that bitch your ex got together with, heh- his lost, you thought.

You were walking to your new apartment, thankfully you found a cheap one a few days after your break up, you clutched your bags that you were holding with both of your hands- they were quite heavy so you had to check in fast. Without further ado, you enter in.

The reception area wasn't far to walk with two heavy bags, quickly made it and talked with the receptionist to check you in. You took a quick look around the apartment, it's atmosphere was quite shallow- you could even spot a few cobwebs by the corners, dust on the old looking couch and the carpet that was already fading to shade of gray, jeez they never thought of cleaning up this place? You internally made a disgusted look.

"Here's your key, enjoy your stay." The receptionist spoke with not a single tone, you flinched a little by their voice- turning around then grabbing the key that was placed on the counter, "Thank you." after thanking the receptionist you hasted to find your room, they looked like they were done with this place.. your thoughts said, but it wasn't your business, you shrugged.

Your room wasn't far because of how less people were staying here, spotting your room number- you walk to it and opened the door with your key, slowly opening the door to be greeted with a plain bed that was organized, a small table that was dusty, the paintings on the wall had a few cracks. You walked in and flopped your bags on the bed, "Well at least the bed is comfy.." After placing your bags you took a few looks at the main room then decided to check the bathroom. Walking in to see the same average bathroom, well that's good- it was a relief that it wasn't that dirty.

Well at least this was your new home now.

The next day..

Waking up- feeling the sun shine on your face, your face frowned- it took you courage to get up and get to work, you were feeling way too lazy right now, you groaned. Slowly you used both of your arms to get up from your bed- You felt quite dizzy from all the crying last night, how long did you cry? What time did you even sleep? You couldn't remember anymore- you missed them so much, "Fuck fuck fuck.." you whispered while rubbing both of your temples with your fingers "Forget them, forget them.. you have work to do Y/N.." you heavily sighed, feeling your heart wrapped in chains.

You stood up from your bed, walking to the bathroom- opening the door to see yourself looking like nothing the same before, your eyes were still sore, it was puffy- under was your eyebags were visible and seemed to have gotten darker, your hair was an absolute mess, you couldn't take a shower last night- damn it, you didn't expect it would become worse.

You decided to take a warm bath in the morning, turning the bathtub sink to let the warm water fill. You walked out to eat a quick breakfast of bread & a banana you packed with you.

-------------------

A few minutes later you finished eating your breakfast, walking in the bathroom to check if the bathtub was finished- expectingly it did. You started to take off your clothes, letting it fall on the bathroom floor. You turned off the running water, then stepping one foot in slowly, then another. Once you were in you let your body sink in, feeling relaxed a little. You laid your back on the end of the bathtub, staring at the reflection of yourself at the water- you thought to yourself, were you really that unattractive? Here yet another session of grieving.

Your cries didn't stop for the past 40 minutes now, you were still going- you wanted to stop but even if you did stop, you'll still keep on crying. Is there any way you wanted this to stop? You stared at your reflection again, your mind blank. You felt yourself sink more in the water, maybe this was gonna stop it..

"Hey if I were you I wouldn't do that." A voice spoke loud in the bathroom, immediately stopping to look in your surrounding to see no one "Huh? What the hell.. Who the fuck? Where- Who are you..?" you questioned, "I mean, it's not that important to know but anyways, what the hell are you doing to yourself?" the voice sounded like a man, you assumed he was. You went back to face the water, "I should be scared right now but.. I just really miss him, they broke up with me for another one." You bit yourself, feeling tears bubble in the corner of both of your eyes, "I hate him so much.. I loved him more than anyone else, did everything for him, polished myself till I looked like a whore then this is what I get?!" Your lips bled from how hard you had bit your lips, the blood dripped then fell in the water.

"You've been crying for the past 40 minutes for a stupid looking person? Come on you gotta have some brains in there, think about it! There's many people out there then here you are crying for an old shitty person." You stayed silent, he was right though- there were many out there, but it wasn't easy to move on "If I were you, just get up and get drunk." you raised your head, "Yeah maybe some alcohol will do."

-----------

After that day the voice still approaches you everytime you enter the bathroom, you still couldn't see him, but both of you had developed friendship. Everyday you're greeted with a "Morning" from him, he was quite nice to talk with- since he always listens to you and giving comments to those shitty people you talk about.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" you were sitting in the empty bathtub holding a bowl of cereal, "Sure, why not?"

"How come you aren't actually scared? I usually come here to scare the shit out of people and they end up moving away, locals say there's a ghost and let me tell you, the fucking reactions are hilarious to watch!" He laughed and so did you, "It's actually pretty nice to have someone to talk to, and now I know why there's not much people who live in here." The voice chuckled "Keep eating or you're going to be late." You looked at the clock above the door, "You- I'm 30 minutes late!" "Your fault."

▼

"Heeeeyyyy Y/N~" You reacted shockingly, quickly pulling the curtains to the side, "YOU ASSHOLE! I told you not to come up while I'm showering!"

"Just wanted to talkkk.."

"Go talk to yourself."

"I'm lonely."

"Your fault."

"Fuck you." You smugged.

------------

"Hey ghost dude- you here right now?" You yelled out before walking in the bathroom, it was a brief silence till the voice responded, "I have a name, also do you need something?" you slightly scratched your cheek with your index, lowering your head "I met this cute person.. at the cafe.. any tips?"

"Oh.. that's..interesting.."

-------------

You stomped your way back to your room- opening and slamming it close, you threw your purse bag- letting it hit the vase, resulting it to breaking when it fell on the floor, you entered the bathroom and immediately entering the empty bathtub to sit again, "Another one! Seriously another one!" you pulled your legs close to your chest- wrapping with both of your arms, "Why can't they just say they're not interested in me, no need to damn ignore me as if i'm a ghost!?"

You've moved on more faster when you got to talk with someone about all your problems, after moving on you decided you wanted to go in another relationship again- hoping the next person will treat you better.

The routine just goes over and over though. You find one, you both text and get to know each other, you both decide to meet up, next thing is that they don't reply back when you're at the meeting place, why weren't they replying? You called more than 20 times and sent multiple texts- yet they weren't answering.

You couldn't count how many times have you been ignored, but it was lots. They were jerks, pretending to be all nice but in the end they were just assholes, you hated that this is happening to you everytime you found someone, everytime it happens- you tell it all to Illuso.

It been a minute since Illuso didn't reply, he usually replies in any second, you raised your head "Illuso..?" It was silent again, "Huh, guess you're busy." Just as you were about to stand up- a voice called "Woah woah wait wait!" You stopped "Oh hey- where were you?" "I had to... deal with something." You raised one of your brow, "Mhmm.. sure."

"So what's up? Date ran off again?" You pouted "Yeah, all jerks.." You spoke the last phrase with a mumble, "Aww don't worry, you'll find the one someday~" You rolled your eyes, "Yeah right."

▼

"Holy shit, so you actually live in a mirror?! That's unbelievable like- no way!!" You stared in amazement when Illuso had revealed himself- he was standing inside your bathroom mirror "I mean you're seeing it right now so yeah this is real, obviously." He smirked.

You went close to see if you can touch him- suddenly he extended out his hand, his hand who went through the mirror, this time it looked really like his real hand.

"Ow what the hell- stop!" Illuso pinched your cheek hard, "Make me then." He chuckled.

--------------

"Great, I swear this is the last time I'll ever meet up with someone again!" You were standing outside a restaurant waiting for your new date who was 20 minutes late, it was getting cold. You sighed "Time to get home.."

You cupped both of your hands and blew them with your breath, it was getting cold and that you needed to get home quickly. "Jeez, it isn't even winter yet.."

In the middle of walking you heard noises near an alleyway that was just a turn, when you got closer it sounded like- punches, like.. punching someone, your eyebrows furrowed in curiosity "What the fuck..?" You whispered under your breath, your guts are saying don't look and keep walking, yet you still wanted to look.

The streets were empty, just the lights that lit up the street and cats and dogs sleeping at the corners, you sticked your body on the wall and took small steps till you peeked at the alleyway.

You saw one man who was beating up another, they were both under the light- you saw the man who was punching had their fist bloody as hell, you wanted to step in but something had stopped you, or maybe even your heart.

"Look, I'll let you go if you forget about this and if you leave her, if you don't you'll fucking face consequences you dipshit!" He pushed the man's head that was on the ground "I'm sorry- I'm sorry! I won't I really won't! I'll forget all about this happened I promise!" The man cried.

'Illuso.. what the hell's going on..?' you stared in shock- wide eyes and your mouth slightly open, you were starting to get dizzy- to the point that you wanted to vomit, you took a few steps back- silent as possible, when you were further away you made a run, deciding to take a shortcut back to your place.

'What was he doing? That man looked like my date..!' Your mind spoke when you were running, 'Why? Why would he do such a thing?' Suddenly flashbacks had hit you, putting the pieces together to complete a puzzle, 'So all of my dates.. were gone because of him?!' You gritted your teeth.

-----------

Finally arriving at the apartment, you sprinted your way to your room, opening it quickly then entering the bathroom, you noticed Illuso wasn't here yet- you grabbed the mirror then smashed it on the floor, witnessing it shatter into pieces.

'I can't be here.. I can't...' You went on to packing your clothes as fast as you can, shoving it carelessly as you were panicking 'He knows where I am.. I can't stay with him..'

You finished packing the unfolded clothings, not leaving any other accessories behind you shoved them in with the clothes too. You grabbed your heavy bags and hasted out.

-------------

It's been weeks since you left the apartment & Illuso, you've been anxious for the first week- not even daring to go out, shattering every that was a mirror, you only stayed in bed while only getting 30 minutes of sleep.

But after a week, you assumed that he couldn't find you- slowly making you try to go out in once in a while. Along the way you met a wealthy person, invited you for coffee, then got their number. Now you were in a relationship with them, you were happy- nothing went wrong for the past weeks, you were rising back up the way you were before- happy.

--------------

"We're actually going to live here?!" Your lover chuckled, "Of course, how many times did you ask this question again?" both of you decided to move out and live together, after months of both of your relationsip.

"Sorry, It's just I've never ever thought that we'll live together.. in this house!" You quickly hugged them, wrapping your arms around them tightly expressing how much excited and happy you were, "Okay okay- too tight too tight.." You let go your wrapped arms "Whoops, sorry.." They kissed your forehead "It's alright love, how about you take a look around while I carry out the bags in the car?" You nodded.

You entered the fancy looking house, it had a 2nd floor- above was a chandelier, and other rooms also had fancy looking lamps. You were flabbergasted- making your lower lip descend, you decided to look in every room- checking every cabinets, drawers.

Finally you arrived at the 2nd floor, checking everything till you had finally arrived at you and your lover's bedroom, entering then looking at your right was a bed that was extremely big- you grinned, you ran and jumped on it making you bounce a bit "So comfy!" you squealed out, you then sat up to see your reflection infront.

Infront was a big mirror almost as big as the whole wall, it's borders were like the waves colored in gold, you made a few funny faces and laughed it out.

"You look so stupidly cute, you should do that sometime." Your eyes wide, your heart felt something aching- then it started to beat fast, that was a familiar voice.. very familiar.. you spotted something at the corner- immediately recognizing it's figure was Illuso.

"What the fuck.." you turned around to look at the corner to see no one- you looked back to the mirror to see Illuso starting to walk behind you. You sat there while you were beyond shock, too shock that you didn't know what to do anymore, should you run? Scream? No, you couldn't think anymore, how was he even in the mirror?

"I have to be hallucinating.." He was getting closer, your hands clenched the sheets under- your head bopping left to right while you watched him.

You heard a ring, a strange ring.

You turned around to still see Illuso, yet this time he was already close to you, "Where the hell did you go? You should've told me where you were." He placed his arms around your shoulders, his lips close to your ear "I've always wanted to be this close- ever since we met.. but finally we are." He smiled.

You swallowed your throat, "You bitch.. My-" "Your lover? Hah! You should see how bloody his face looked." Your lips started to slowly tremble, "W-What.." your voice cracked- you felt tears filling your eyes, letting it fall on your cheeks, "Aww shh, don't cry.." He used his index finger to wipe the falling tear.

"You're safe here with me."

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crazyyanderefangirlfan · 11 months

Note

(y/n), texting illuso: illuso! help i’m being kidnapped

illuso: where are you?

(y/n): I’m with some strange person. In a car. Help.

illuso: i’ll call formaggio.

formaggio, answering his cell: Y’ello?

illuso: where’s (y/n)? they texted me that they were being kidnapped.

formaggio: (y/n)? whaddya mean, they're right next to me-

formaggio:

formaggio: i’ll call you back. *hangs up*

formaggio: THE NEW HAIRCUT ISN’T THAT BAD!

(y/n): WHO ARE YOU?!

*They finally back to base, and greeted by a laughing Illuso.*

Illuso: T-they...d-didn't *laughs* recognize you! * He full blown cackles.*

Formaggio: Shut it you Michael Jackson reject!

(Y/N): Illuso help!

#la squadra #la squadra esecuzioni #la squadra di esecuzione #la squadra x reader #jojo illuso #jjba formaggio #jojo formaggio

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berylcups · 20 days

Note

What type of music do you think la squadra members are into?

Also what type are you into!

What’s La Squadras Favorite Music?

Oh good question! This one definitely made me think! Thinking about their lives outside of their work makes you wonder…

CW: weed? And Melone just being Melone

Risotto

Music genre: Definitely metal this poor guy is a walking stereotype I stg 😭

Bands: Opeth, Dream Theater, and a classic-Rob Zombie

Where/what do they do while listening to music?-

He’s usually listening to his favorite songs in his office doing paperwork. Rarely if he’s in a good mood you can hear him lowly hum to the melody 🥺

Formaggio

Music genre: stoner rock - I’m not familiar with this genre but Formaggio would be! I HC him hard as someone who’s super chill and wants to relax with some psychedelic music.

Bands: Grateful Dead, Black Sabbath, Fu Manchu