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Soñé que trabajaba para Pablo el amigo de Dani pero estaba en mi casa de la infancia, en la cocina. Apartaba víveres junto con Jany, que era mi compañera de trabajo y Pablo nos corregía, Jany tenía un video reproduciéndose en su celular. Empacaba unas cosas y salía de la casa con el bulto, me subía a un auto que ya me esperaba y otro empleado me abría la puerta de atrás y después se subía a conducir. Pensaba que era un excelente partido para mi propio negocio. Era idéntico a uno de los chicos de un canal de Youtube de retos y entrevistas que sigo.

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Soñé que estaba en la terraza de un piso intermedio, de una torre, de un palacio, estaba con Shanti y jugaba un videojuego que a la vez era la azotea del palacio que daba frente a la terraza donde estábamos, brincaba ahí y el suelo era de mármol negro cubierto por una ligera capa de agua por la lluvia, me veía a mi mismo en tercera persona como si fuera un videojuego y caminaba por la azotea viendo ciertas cúpulas con ventanas de repente.

Regresaba con Shanti y seguía subiendo la torre por sus escalones de madera sin barandal, me sostenía de una soga que estaba pegada a la pared, llegaba hasta un punto donde no había más escalones, solo podía seguir si trepaba con ayuda de la soga, lo curioso es que mi mamá y otra señora estaban en la cima de la torre (recordemos que mi mamá es oxigeno dependiente y apenas puede caminar agitada).

Me armaba de valor y trepaba hasta una plataforma de un ventanal, ahí había cojines y muebles pero todo lo que agarraba para sujetarme era demasiado liviano para poderme levantar, lograba sujetarme de un sofá grande pero también lo jalaba por mi peso, finalmente hacia fuerza contra la superficie del suelo (no recuerdo el material) y me impulsaba a la plataforma. De ahí solo subía unos escalones más y estaba en la cima, donde había una puerta con ventana en la que se veía una viejecilla viviendo ahí, mi mamá me decía que era una tía (de la que no sabía y no sé) y que llevaba varios años sin salir ahí, le preguntaba cómo le llevaban comida y demás víveres pero no recuerdo la respuesta. 

Sentía vergüenza de entrar a saludarla si llevaba toda mi vida sin conocerla, solo espiaba desde afuera su curioso cuarto, recuerdo colores rojizos y anaranjados y no parecía haber un baño, no como un cuarto tal cual. La otra señora que estaba ahí además de mi mamá y la viejecila, la atendía, parecía que le daba de beber algo y la peinaba. 

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7/6/20 22:53

Today didn’t go so well. I feel like today was an okay day overall, I just remembered something that kinda hurt a lot. Maybe today went just fine then and this one thing didn’t go very well. That’s okay to think about it that way, I think.


I remembered when I was a lot worse and I hurt myself that the person I was with hurt themself too to punish me. I didn’t realize it was something that was there until I remembered it today. I feel like it kind of just put the cherry on top of me already not feeling super great. This person was by no means great. I don’t know. Maybe it was something I did. Maybe it was really all my fault. All I know is that it’s better they aren’t still around me. That was just one of the things they did and it’s crazy how even after a few years it’s still hard to deal with the things they did.


I don’t think any amount of time will make me forget, but maybe after a certain point I’ll have healed more. I just need to remember that it’s a memory and that that’s not how things are now. I’m okay and who I’m with is better. I’m safe and it’s okay.


-S 23:01



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date: 7/6/20

dysphoria: 2/4

rating: 5/10

description: today was very meh. i couldn’t really get myself up in the morning, so i was up more around 1. i hung out in my bed till 2 and ate ice cream and had breakfast. i talked to an old friend a bit and replayed huniepop since i haven’t played it in almost a full year. c asked me to watch some 10 minute power hours with her so i did that while drawing until she switched it to edward scissorhands. after a little while of that i got bored and texted e. it was,,, interesting,,, and i needed some alone time after our chat. i watched some more 10 minute power hours alone and ate ice cream and was sad.

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0l0xText

Taking commissions so you can afford commissions is next fucking level.

…I’ve done it

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image

This is one of my old painting I did back in highschool at some point , I don’t really remember when but I do remember I was inspired by dog that changed my life for the better . I probably had Tumblr when I did this but I was akind shy a little bit about posting my artwork ago . I in joy doing art but mostly I did it for therapy back then . But now I do it for fun and share it with everyone so they can have joy as well.

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date: 7/5/20

dysphoria: ¾

rating: 8/10

description: i woke up at e’s house since i stayed the night. he made me an egg sandwich and i started to tease him during breakfast. eventually he pulled me into his room and things got really intense, he made me nut again. after that c took me and e to the mall. we borrowed a bunch of stuff and i got c her birthday gift. we went back to my place and watched youtube with c. we were laughing so hard we were in tears half the time. c and i took e home and i went back to my place and did some art. all in all, it was a really fun day.

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Hey there!

So, this is gonna be a lengthy post because too much has happened.


So, I haven’t had an actual blog post in months. Here is why: It all started in March.I slowly got more and more depressed because I didn’t get to see my bf for two months because of quarantine and I started to lose interest in a lot of stuff that I usually enjoy, including this.

    I didn’t update because I was so sad that I just wanted to lay in bed all day and cry. The only positive thing I had going at that point, was the fact that I was losing weight Idk if I’ve mentioned it before, but I am on a weight loss journey. 

   I have struggled with my weight my whole life because not only is everyone in my family fat and I could only eat whatever they gave me, but I also have a very slow metabolism and I had a thyroid disease. However, Ik many people who use that as an excuse to just sit around and slowly eat themselves to death, but I saw it the opposite way.

    It motivated me. I’m not just doing it for my appearance, I also want to be healthy. The journey has been off and on for six years but I really started taking it serious last year. Last year I reached my heaviest weight ever; 225lbs. 

   I was disgusted and hated myself. I cut myself down to one soda per week, worked out every day, drank tons of water, desert once, maybe twice a week, I only ate once or twice a day (even though I never eat much anyways, but my metabolism is so slow that it doesn’t take much), and I started juicing once a month because that’s all I can afford. I dropped down to 212lbs and was going strong. Then things took a turn. On May 16th, I got to see my bf because quarantine was over. I was still being careful; not going out a lot, wearing a mask when I do, and not hanging out with him if Ik someone in his house is sick.

    I got to see him once before we had to distance again for another reason…During quarantine, my dad started getting these weird bites. We knew they were bug bites, but didn’t know what from and he was the only one who was getting them. 

   We thought they were spiders so he completely cleaned out his room (a chore that hadn’t been done in literal decades because he’s a lazy, dirty piece of shit.), and thought that would fix it. It didn’t. I then started to get them too, They came in groups and they were big, red, and itchy. I deep cleaned my room too.

    Nothing worked. We didn’t understand what was happening. One night I was drawing then decided to sleep. As I was getting into bed, I saw an unknown bug on my pillow. I picked it up in a paper towel and showed my mom. I didn’t take into account that my mom’s eye sight is horrible and she’s not doing shit to fix it, so she will probably be blind soon. She tried to tell me it was a flea.

    It was definitely not a flea. Fleas hop and are tiny. This was about the size of a small button and crawled. I killed it and went to sleep.I started to worry and something in my head was telling me they were bed bugs. No one in my family had ever dealt with bed bugs before, so we didn’t know for sure. I had a panic attack and told my mom what I was thinking. She treated me like I was stupid and told me that’s not possible because someone else would have to bring them into the house. My dad had his friend over during quarantine (fucking idiot).

    This friend is notoriously unhygienic. His house is a one bedroom but he lives there with his wife, sister, her two kids, his three kids, his dad, animals, and his some random friends. All the children sleep on the floor because the house is so overcrowded. They have roaches and are doing nothing about it, dirty dishes are always laying about the house, their whole house smells like shit and pet urine because they’re too lazy to house train their pets and they don’t clean up after them, and they live that way like it’s normal. i brought that up to everyone but my dad because I didn’t want him to freak out if we didn’t know for sure.

    They all yelled at me for suggesting that my dad’s friend had them and acted like I was being rude and unreasonable. They scolded me and treated me like shit. About two weeks passed and the bites didn’t stop, but no one had seen any more bugs. My dad completely tore his room apart and didn’t find anything. 

   When he took his box spring outside, we saw one. it was the same bug I saw in my room. I looked up pictures of bed bugs and they looked exactly like that. I showed the pics to my mom and everyone and my mom’s blind ass fucking says “That doesn’t look like the bug I saw.” They were identical, she really needs to go to the optometrist. they again yelled at me and acted like I was crazy. I had enough. I told my sister what was going on and she gave me even more reason to believe he gave us bed bugs. My sister runs a community page on FB along with a bunch of other moms who donate a bunch of clothes and food and whatever people need and schedule pick ups and help each other out. 

   My dad’s friend’s wife is part of the page. A year ago, in that group, there was a big bed bug outbreak. Around that time, his family took in a lot of donations. I was enraged. I told my dad what she said and he called him and asked (nicely; nicer than I would of because fuck that dumbass). he asked if they have a bug problem and he said yes, he then asked what kinds and he mentioned the roaches and spiders then CASUALLY SAYS BED BUGS, LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL. My dad tells him that he gave them to us. Something I would like to add about my dad’s friend is, he’s very good with electronics, but otherwise he’s a dumbass. I thought he was special needs so I always let it slide, but I recently found out he’s not special at all, he’s an idiot. He doesn’t have a learning disability, he’s just not bright at all. HIS DUMB ASS KNEW THEY HAD BED BUGS BUT WERE JUST LIVING WITH THEM LIKE IT’S NO BIG DEAL AND HE DIDN’T KNOW HE CAN SPREAD THEM TO OTHERS. He’s so fucking stupid. So, we sprung into action. We bought all kids of sprays…none worked. It continued to get worse and worse where my dad was finding five at a time, every few minutes. He couldn’t sleep in his bedroom anymore. 

   For the past month, he slept on the couch in the living room. I would see one every couple of weeks in my room because mine wasn’t the origin. When he was over, they hung out in my dad’s room, so they were nested in there.

    My dad had a psychotic break and tried killing himself twice. Imma be honest, idgaf about my dad. He could of died, and I would not have cared. He’s racist, homophobic, transphobic, a Trump supporter, emotionally abusive, and and alcoholic. I hate him. I’m just bringing that up to fully describe how bad it was. 

   The thing is, this wasn’t even an infestation; it never got that bad. If we were suffering that much, could you imagine how his friend is living? they’ve had them for at least a year and haven’t done anything about it. Horrible. I started to get paranoid and also couldn’t sleep at night. When my dad was sleeping in his room, we would all wake up anywhere between 11pm-3am to my dad shouting and crying that he found more bugs. Something about being half asleep then seeing a bug crawling towards you on your pillow, to feed on your blood, does something to your mind. We then started to all get cranky and started fighting constantly. I got suicidal too and I didn’t even have them as bad in my room like my dad did. I started sleeping with the tv on at night for light and I would stay up until at least 2AM every day, surveying my bedroom, scared I would see any.

    This went on for about two months until we called an exterminator. The one we called was the one that our landlord already pays to come and spray the house monthly, to keep roaches and other bugs out of the house.

    Since we were already customers, it wasn't’ as expensive, it was only $150. We paid for him to come out and he said he would spray and heat (heat being the number one way to kill bed bugs). Right away, he was shady af. He was in and out in like 15 minutes, tops. He had a little machine he took in along with his spray and he said that tiny little machine would heat the house and fog. He lied to us. All he did was spray. We sat outside for four hours thinking he was solving our problem, when really it was just a scam. The spray killed off all the ones in my room since I never had many anyways, but did nothing for my dad. We called specialists and got a free inspection and they said it’s not an infestation, but unfortunately the heat treatment is very expensive…2k expensive. 

   My family is very low income; we are very very poor. We live on food stamps and my mom is the only one who works, and she works at McDonalds. I had another panic attack. I thought it was over. We wound up being able to gather the money and got it done. It worked. It has been a week now and we haven’t seen a single bug. Now we are slowly cleaning and going through all of our belongings that we took out of the house, to make sure we don’t bring anything back in, and things are getting back to normal. I got to see my bf for the first time in a month last week and i’m started to get my room back together.

    I’m sleeping and getting back to my routine. Sadly, I do have to restart my fitness routine, though. During the past three months, I wasn’t working out because it scared me to get on the floor, knowing we had bed bugs, and I was too depressed. I went from 212 to 218. I’m happy it was only 6lbs because I honestly thought it would be much worse, but today was the first day I’ve worked out since. Anyways, that’s why I’ve been gone. Hopefully, I can return now <3

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I was beginning to think these new batch of babies in the family were funny acting. LOL! I’m not used to babies and children not liking me but, I guess they really do love me because, both of the boys (we only have two) ran to me and hugged me. They don’t really do kissing. LOL! The little girls all came to me and hugged and kissed me. K Amber didn’t tell me that isn’t her name, she just smiled and gave me my sugar. Even my twin baby who normally just look at me acted like she missed me. And then the little baby reached for me when she saw me and gave me one of her wet, slobby kisses. 😂😂😂. I love them so much! The teens are teens. I have to be the one to run to them. I don’t mind. If they don’t run to me, I’m definitely running to them. ❤️ My family thinks I spoil them but, I don’t see it.

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Recuerdo de niña, mi papá me decía cuando salíamos, “agarrame del meñique ”, sentía enorme su dedo en mi mano. Hoy volví a agarrarlo del meñique y de la mano entera, ya son de tamaños similares, sentí el peso de los años en todas las líneas de sus manos.

Lo que me hace pensar, que nunca querré soltar su meñique.

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She told me her ex texted her and she cried. I asked her what he said, and she told me she didn’t want to talk about it. She quickly changed the subject and said she was going to go to bed. “Yeah right”, I thought. “Going to bed”. I know that’s just a cover for her to get real and start texting her ex back. But did I? Why do I assume I know exactly how this girl I just met is going to act. I barely know her at all. I’ve been stuck in this weird depression the past few days that only seems to drop when she texts me, and in the long spans of time she doesn’t, I sink deeper and deeper. I have no idea why. I think I’m addicted to that little adrenaline boost that hits when I see she messaged me. In a lot of ways, we’re terrible for each other.

She’s sort of like this free spirit, and I have this delusion that if I can get her to like me, even if I don’t particularly like her, it means I am too. I don’t want to see myself for what I am. Just a square. I’m a fucking average rich white kid, and for some reason it’s taken me this long to notice, I’m not that fucking interesting. But still, I want her to like me.

Fuck I want nicotine. That seems to be the anthem of this summer. Actually, I think “Fuck, I want” works just as well. It seems like I’ve spent all summer coveting the things I can’t have. Feeling this deafening craving for what can’t ever be mine. The pit of my stomach churns in knots as I think about the soup of shit I want. I want to be with some girl, I want to validate myself as attractive and interesting, I want to create something worth creating, and I want some fucking nicotine. All of these things, I want, and the reason I want them, is because I think they’ll make me happy. Will R—– reciprocating this creepy worship-like obsession I seem to have for her make me happy? I really don’t know. When we had sex, right after she said “I can’t believe I just had sex with you. You’re so hot”. That was the peak of the worship that I craved, and in the moment, I was happy. But maybe because she never said anything like that ever again, or maybe because compliments like that just aren’t fulfilling, it didn’t last, and here I am. Clacking these pointless emotions into a computer, knowing full well I won’t have any sort of meaningful relationship with this girl*, not knowing why I think that, and some part of me not even wanting one. Yet tomorrow, I’m gonna wake up, check my phone, and hope for another hit. I just need another hit. That’s what will make me happy.

If I can get someone like her to like me, I will be happy.

Regardless of what happens between us, it won’t make me happy.

 

After I wrote that last block of text, I closed my computer and thought about it. What do I want. I think what I want, and what will actually make me happy is to find someone I can fall in love with. The reason I’m so obsessive about R—– right now, is I think there’s a fraction of a possibility of that happening with her, purely because we like each other on a physical level. I want there to be a connection, but I can’t rush that. It’s just not possible to do in a week. So I need to relax, and just wait. The more we talk, the more I’ll learn about her, and the closer I’ll grow to her. If that’s a place I want to be, maybe I’ll have found what I’m looking for, and if it’s not, I shouldn’t be unhappy. I haven’t lost anything. I can keep looking. Maybe someday I will be happy.


*Yup. Dead on. Past [fraudulence-paradox] knew exactly what would happen before it happened. She was a shitty, stoner, loser. Reading this in the future (07/06/20) I can’t believe I was so torn up over such a shitty person. She gave you chlamydia [fraudulence-paradox]! Don’t fuck her!!

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