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#journal post

5/4/20

Sunday we went to Myrick Marsh. Got to see the first turtles of the season, there had to have been 30+. We watched an otter run and jump and swim and play for about 5 minutes. There was a handful of odd birds as well, including heron and turkey vultures/hawks. More ticks and more sunburn ensued. First tree buds and blossoms of the year as well.

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5/16/20

Friday went to Southside to walk Jezabel. Saturday morning woke up early and caught the sunrise. Saturday afternoon went to the marsh. Jez and I were having a rough day so we didnt stay very long. Sunday we did domestic chores together and cooked the most delicious pizza I’ve ever had.

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@darkkonda tagged me for a selfie haha this never happens to me yay! Lol thats my newest tattoo on my arm! Its a swallow with a skull on its chest :) the purple one on the other arm is a Whitebeard Pirates Jolly Roger haha

I tag @zimavega @looktowardsthesky @saywhatsreal404 @karyn-not-karen @brujitaxula @wafflesandchicken @cryptidtiddies @detached-th0ughts @little-lizzy3 @hetoldm3 @satans-littlebitch666 @shredxcruz @wild-cottage-bee @clumsyheartbeats @moonflower-k @whatsupbutterrcupp

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Wow. It’s been a while since I’ve made a post like this, huh? At the beginning of the year, I said that I’d make more posts like this in the future, but that didn’t happen. ^^; I’d post most of this on my profile, but…here it feels much more appropriate.

Those who have been following me may have noticed that my updates on most of my accounts have been sporadic or nonexistent. From being obsessed with one game (and almost draining my bank account in the process), to falling behind in school, to dealing with my granddad’s cancer diagnosis, to dealing with anxieties, to dealing with the chaos that comes with that and the pandemic, to the hurt and anger I’m feeling about the George Floyd situation, suffice to say it’s been rough. Oh, who am I kidding? It’s been hell. I’ll just come right out and say it.

Some days, I just want to crawl into bed and not come out. Some days, I don’t feel like praying or reading my Bible. Some days, I wonder, “What’s the point? Things are just going to get worse.” I can only distract myself for so long before reality pulls me back in.

Throughout this, I’ve come to a very important revelation: the times where I want to pray and talk to God the least are the times where I need Him the most.

Throughout the last six months, I have felt the temptation to just sink into worry and to drown in hours of online games to escape. But those are temporary. Jesus is eternal. Jesus doesn’t provide temporary peace like those games do, like TV shows do. He is there to not only give us lasting peace, but comfort as well.

I’ve developed a few sayings that help me through the roughest of days, when I feel that I’m going to sink into anxious thoughts about what people are thinking of me, what they’re saying about me. But one of my favorites happens to be the phrase “It is well with my soul”. I can choose to be distressed and worried all the time, or I can choose to be at peace, develop my faith and act on it.

Though I make mistakes and struggle to keep up with people, it is well with my soul.

Though I’m not always liked by people or ignored by them, it is well with my soul.

Though all hell seems to be encroaching around me, truly, I declare, it is well with my soul.

Now, I’m not saying that this immediately removes all the trouble. Nope. In fact, I’m still in the thick of a few things right now. I’m working on improving myself, physically, mentally and spiritually, but it’s been a battle. I’m working on not ghosting my friends and rekindling some of my older friendships, but those old fears will still creep in. I’m working on being more productive, but laziness will set in, disguised in the guise of “tiredness from work”.

My deal isn’t talk. My deal is acting on what I say. And starting today, that’s what I’m going to do.

So even though things have been pretty crazy lately, I’m doing my best to run to God with my problems instead of everything else. And even though it might look dark right now, I will still look up with a smile on my face and say:

It is well with my soul.

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I got new glasses!/Fuck the police for gassing peaceful protestors/Fuck tumblr for deleting my heartfelt post about my friends involved

Okay wow so this is gonna be really disjointed and not put together well cause i cant just recapture the emotion and feeling i put into the original that TUMBLR DELETED. I tried to save it first cause its happened ALOT since the nsfw ban but appearantly when you click “select all” on tumblr it doesnt really mean that and only saves 1 of your 5 paragraphs that came straight from the heart…

Oop it crashed again as i was adding onto this. Tumblr am i really gonna have to close and reopen this app for each and every paragraph???

Okay this next paragraph is the 1 that saved when tumblr told me it copied all the paragraphs i wrote

“For the last few years I’ve mainly worn contacts and im not gonna stop but i dooo need some new frames as all mine are old af and falling apart lollll. Anyway i searched google and found this site zennioptical and they had like tons of frames for super cheap and i got like 3 for the price of like 1 cheap pair at costco so im pretty happy about that hahah i hope they look alright on me. If not ill just buy more contacts i guess i do need to anyway lolll oh right heres the frames i bought, dunno if anyone cares but this is kinda my journal too lol so”

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Okay those are my glasses. Next i think i talked about (godfucking damnit i hate how THIS is what my heartfelt journal post has become) the riots here and how it scares me cause my nephew is half black, his dad and his family are so great and i love and worry about them all. Its scary to wonder if a family member you love will be the next george floyd or trayvon martin.

The next bit was about my friends that attended the protest yesterday 5/30/2020 in santa rosa. It was my best friends birthday friday and our friends took him our for drinks till our buddy ducky met up and told em the protest was getting nuts and they all needed to go (yes we actually call him Ducky). They wound up getting spearated and bestie and company wound up in front of the riot cops as part of the group on their knees shouting “hands up dont shoot” for a while. Ducky on the other hand went through a perilous odyssey, wound up getting hit by a truck or 2 and ran from cops (all on his bicycle) cause he got separated into a group the riot cops were trying to round up and arrest. Luckily all of them got out of it okay and had a beer over it back at duckys place.

Next was the part about my town: okay so san jose is definitely having its issues too. The other day people were peacefully protesting at our city hall till the cops randomly DECIDED that it was an unlawful gathering and started tear gassing everyone. The fucked up symbolism in this is that 1 street over is our Martin Luther King Jr memorial Library… Its the main library for San Jose State University… It doesnt seem like things are lightening up and i may go join soon myself. I definitely support of course but i know my parents and siblings worry about me and that kinda stuff. But the tear gas and rubber bullets i honestly expected from our cops here. My uncle has been a sheriff in so-cal for most my life and hes always seemed okay but i dont really know him. One of my older cousins was a cop here though and had to quit cause when he wasnt into or cool with their racist antics they started turning on him, hes been a bailbondsman ever since. ACAB and dont forget it. Im glad they burned down the city hall and courthouse in Nashville, who do you think built those buildings? Shit i wouldnt be surprised if some of the people there watching had enslaved great great grandparents that built the damn buldings. Burn it all. Bernie WAS the compromise and the people that say their on our side chucked him for dumbass Biden, fuck that guy too.

No Justice, No Peace, No Racist Beliefs!

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I’ve been thinking of writing FanFiction again, I haven’t written one in almost five years. It’s been awhile. I’ve gotten more into poetry but I’ve realized most of my poetry is pretty sad, although it does help my mental health. But I enjoyed writing FanFiction more then anything else (I’m a nerd, I know) I used to write Bleach, Inuyasha and Teen Wolf fics. I was thinking I could start off by uploading the stuff I wrote a few years ago. We shall see.

Oh, and if anyone would like to read any of mine I have an account on FanFiction.Net; my username is Chicagogirl11. :)

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Originally posted by dylanobrienisbaeee

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All i do is cry my eyes out. nothing seems to make sense anymore, Im always so disappointed,by everything and everyone. I hope one day soon i can wake up to a completely different life. Im terribly sick of the one i have. I feel so isolated and angry, at myself and at the world.I dont seem to know what i want. If i want to live here or there, if i want friendship or love,If i want to work here or there, If i want to live or die.. I wish i had friends to talk to, but no one understands me or wants to be my friend. Im okay with that because most days i want to be alone, whenever i need a friend, they are nowhere to be found, so i always go back to being alone, & once i start to become okay with being on my own, that’s when my old friends come back. And i let them in and wait until they to leave again.Which they will, everyone does. At some point everyone always leaves & im left alone again..&  Im not sure if im sad about that or happy?This is what i mean when i say that i  have no idea what i want, my mind changes about everything every so often. How is that possible? how can i be 25 & just as clueless about the world & myself as i was when i was 16. Why do i feel this way??, I have no reason to be so miserable & hopeless,yet I’m not sure how to be anything else.I thought things would get better as i got older,but each day it seems like the world gets darker and darker. I wonder if everyone sees that too, i mean surely i cant be the only one living in a colorless world. I have such little hope about the future and what it will bring.I wonder when i became this hopeless, I must of been excited about life at one point, i just cant seem to remember what that felt like. Well despite it all, I still believe that maybe one day, in a different time and place, i will be able to make sense of everything that has happened. Maybe then i will finally be able to rest peacefully. 

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5.25.20

I ate so fucking much today bc we had a memorial day cookout. I mean at least I ate mostly vegan meals but STILL. Fasted half the day then had a tofu sandwich as a snack and for dinner half a beyond meat burger, a beyond meat hotdog, 3 spoonfuls of pasta salad, 2 pieces of shrimp (not vegan I know), and a small handful of potato chips. I also drank wine. In reality I know this isnt a lot but it feels that way. And I hate it. Starting my day tomorrow with a run and fasting.

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Mini vent

So me and best friend are hanging out and she starts trying to guess my weight and says “no way you’re more than like 160. I’d guess 155 at best.” And my face goes blank I’m wayyyyyy more than her “best” guess. I quickly saying I’m a lot heavier than I look and tell her I’m like near 170 (which is a total lie yet still heavier than what she thought). Now I feel super triggered to hurry up and actually get to 170.

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5 24 20

Not getting up for my run today even though I probably should bc after running AND hiking a mountain yesterday my body is sore af. Seriously. I burned hella calories yesterday and barely ate so maybe I can give myself a little break today. I’ll do some ab work later. Maybe. Ugh.

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I was supposed to finish my draft for work last night, but then I spent hours researching Polish folk costumes and scouring poshmark to find things that I can use to bring some of that into my everyday style. It is unsurprisingly difficult, but I think I accomplished that goal. Many many dollars later.

Needless to say I abandoned work, never went back to it, and now I feel sick with guilt that I didn’t finish my draft on time. I just need to do it, but I think I need to do something relaxing, like a walk or a shower, to get rid of that gross failure feeling. So that first, then working, and then once it’s done, new moon ritual work. :)

If you want to filter these posts out it’s #journal post

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These last three months have been.. overwhelming to say the least. I still can’t sleep very well after what I went through in March. It’s not something I tell everyone but I know for a fact that I felt like I was going to die. I one hundred percent believe it was from COVID 19. If so, I don’t know how I got it or from where. One day I was fine, the next day I felt sick but thought it was a flare up; the next day after that everything was foggy and I was in so much pain. I woke up gasping for air. I couldn’t breathe. My husband had to run downstairs and get my inhaler. I almost blacked out. I still remember the look on my daughters face seeing me like that. She was scared and confused. That memory will probably always stick with me. How could it not?

I’m used to pain. Dealing with health issues most of my life along with chronic pain, it’s nothing new. But this was a different kind of pain. I struggled to breathe for weeks. Imagine drowning. That’s what it felt like. And on top of that fevers for over a week straight, back to back.

The first week, I don’t really remember much. I just remember laying on the sofa gasping, in and out of sleep. My primary doctor said they couldn’t help me because I didn’t meet the requirements to get tested. After that, I cried. And then I laid down, after that it’s a blur for a week straight. I didn’t see my daughter much, she stayed at her grandparents because I was just to sick to take care of her. It was the worst feeling. I haven’t been that scared in over ten years. I really thought I would die. It’s almost three months later and I’m better. I’m back at work. My lungs still hurt and it’s still hard to breathe but not like how it was back then. But work is hard too. So many patients I know have died. So many wife’s/husbands have lost their significant others. I’ve heard them sobbing on the phone. I’ve seen them shaking from emotion while in the office. And I can’t help thinking, that could have been me dead. I had nightmares for over a month afterwards. Not so bad now but sometimes I still wake up in a panic. Maybe it’s PTSD, I don’t know.

But I’m thankful I’m alive.

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Me and Lucifer have been communicating, and we decided it’d be good that I embrace my promiscuity and polyamory. He was already not my only lover and neither I his, but we’ve noticed that I’ve developed a sort of worry that me building relationships with other people will take away from our own. That doesn’t necessarily have to happen, however, especially if I am and have already shown that I’m willing to put effort into long-term relationships even if I have more than one.

I recently established communication with a friendly incubus spirit, have been having positive encounters since. He appeared visibly to me as I was waking up from a dream, it was like the little lights I see when my eyes are closed were shifting to look like a face. Really cute fellow, and they were not kidding about the intense energy drain. I think I’m getting the hang of how to handle it without disturbing my schedule. He isn’t drying me out like a raisin or anything, he’s been respecting my boundaries so far.

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Today I feel proud of myself because I managed to:

  • Put the sheet on my bed
  • Clean out the kitty litter
  • Sweep the laundry room
  • Do the dishes
  • Hydrate!

I also managed to figure out how to tell the cat that he’s actually hurt me, which is by mewing pathetically and refusing to look at him. He apologized by coming and curling up next to my leg, which he never does when he’s in a playing mood, but he did today!

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Let it be known: I reserve the right to berate my other selves if they do something so monumentally absurd that even blackout drunk and having a dumb blonde moment I wouldn’t do it.

I would hope they would also do the same for me because I would very much deserve it.

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I did my first 9 card Lenormand spread tonight and I extensively journaled as I read it. Its so fucking insightful I love it. My husband has been helping me come up with interpretations for the reading. He’s much cleverer with symbolism than I am. I’ve decided to call the 9-card spread the petit tableau.

Even with the notes, I’m worried ill forget to act on my insights. I made a list of things to avoid doing and things to meet head on or engage with based on the reading. Then I set a picture of those lists as my phone lock screen. Hopefully I can spend more time acting on it with it being so easy to see it. I find it hard to remember what my readings teach me when I’ve moved on from the cards. It’s cathartic to do the reading, but I am laissez faire about my own fucking life, and I hardly ever take significant action for myself. I almost always have to be pushed into things begrudgingly. Witchcraft has been different, which I’m rejoicing about tbh. I will try to think of other ways to act on my Lenormand readings besides the photo reminder, but that’s all I’ve got rn. Also lately I’ve been shite at bullet journalling. That needs to be addressed as well. It’s pretty invaluable for my well-being at this point.

I was going to try a GT but it was intense. Maybe I can work my way up to it by doing a few more petit tableau for certain struggle areas and do the grand tableau on the New Moon. I’m really excited to get there though. The 9 card took me over an hour to journal through, cause I was rechecking the order and the meaning of the rows and columns etc. I bet the GT will take at least an afternoon.

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