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It’s 13. I just get up and I’m waiting for lunch, but the truth is that I first woke up at 6:30 and I managed to do many things before for some reason I got flooded by a weird exhaustion and I had some extra sleep. 

Yesterday I managed to do some cleaning and I decided that I will keep on going with that. I don’t feel like studying and I won’t push it right now. 

Two days ago my beauty care order arrived: Some many goodies!!!


I’m a bit disappointed with myself because I wanted to make this order after finishing all my products… but I still have some so I will wait some time before starting with these. I also want to see a cosmetician and make a skin analysis before starting a new routine.

For the future I want to be able to respect more my buying goals and stop buying on impulse. At the moment I have a wishlist with many things but the quarantine makes the situation peculiar.
So I must wait until April 3 to see what’s going to happen with my job and the economy of this country before appointing any purchase.

V.M.M. (15:15)

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28th march 💓

  • you do not understand how big my love for muesli is
  • my butt is starting to hurt from all the sitting and studying
  • idk if i either study way to little or way to much (like there are 8 weeks left but also there are only 8 weeks left till my abitur)
  • i hope everything turns out for the good

🎧 unterwasser - emmms

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𝐛𝐢𝐫𝐝𝐬, 𝐜𝐚𝐭𝐬 & 𝐟𝐥𝐨𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬 - 𝐦𝐲 𝐟𝐚𝐯 𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬;

i haven’t had my journal in my hands for several days, feels good to be back. i know it’s a difficult time for everyone right now, i genuinely hope you’re all okay. feel free to come talk to me anytime. make sure to think of things that make you happy. be thankful.

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3/27/2020 Friday (is it?)

I think pretty much everybody not in their normal routine is losing track of the days. For me they are all blurry. There have been times when I didn’t work but the kids were in school or with appointments and things they needed and wanted to do. But now I’m not working, kids are out of school, Francisco and Avondre are working but constantly changing schedules, oh and pretty much every sort of appointment has been cancelled. My counseling appointment is now via FaceTime. We did our first one last week. I am honestly disappointed about that one being cancelled because I enjoy that routine. But the phone thing wasn’t bad at all either. The only thing that sucked was not having privacy in the house. The car worked decently. I wondered if Seth maybe noticed? Probably not. He has been off of work for a week now and I have not caught a glimpse of him for a week completely. I’m pretty sure he must be depressed. I hate that and I hate the thought above all he probably has no one to talk to about these things. Well, maybe he can message his Hungarian bitch?? lol couldn’t help it. Dad is over there and I see him busy body. Possibly needing another reminder to stay inside lol. I wish he’d reach out by email maybe we could carry on like we did when he was in Hungary and other times we would write a lot. I wish I could stop worrying about him but it’s hard. I literally laughed out loud while I was cleaning this morning remembering before all this shit went down with corona virus and I kept saying how badly I wanted to get away. Anywhere just so I was out of my regular everyday routine and environment. I wanted a break from seeing Seth. From caring and worrying about others. And now look what tf had to happen??!! Like this has been the longest stretch of time I have without traveling for as long as I can remember. People are talking about where they will go and what they will do when this is all said and done. That seems pretty abstract but I still would love to see John Fogerty again in Vegas with a group of friends and go to Zion park. And see burney falls. All obtainable hopefully. But nobody knows what the hell is gonna happen so time tables are impossible.

In the morning I awoke again at 830 after sleeping straight through. Avondre was sleeping soundly next to me. I got up and fed the dog and turned on the news. Avondre and I begin to cuddle with each other and he’s in and out of sleep. And then he like moves to readjust his dick and makes a face and says ow and I’m like what is wrong? And he said his dick hurts. My first thought was herpes and I asked if he thought he was getting an outbreak. He said he didn’t think so because the pain was more on the inside and really only when he got hard. And I’m like wtf and concerned. He said he thought he may have bent it wrong sleeping or something but that was two months ago and it’s been hurting that long. And that long he hasn’t mentioned a thing to me. And a lot of this time I am being pissed off he’s avoiding sex wondering is he cheating, is he not attracted to me really?? Is sex so bad with me he cannot cum and almost doesn’t really try to do it?? Like I been feeling bad I wrote about it last night before bed for fucks sake. I told him that I wish he would have told me when it happened and that I’ve been feeling bad thinking it was me and him saying what was really happening would have saved a lot of issues. And plus two months is a long time and I’m concerned. I want him to go to a doctor but he doesn’t want to because of the virus. But what if it’s something bad? Like 2 months is a long time. He said there was no other symptoms but pain when he was hard. He could have done planned parenthood today but didn’t want to. And I also mentioned what crossed my mind like what if it’s something you can give to me?? And you knew about this two months ago? Like wtf. He is not very considerate of others sexual welfare. Welp, if it’s another std it is what it is and my dumb ass fault for getting back with someone you knew was not good for you. Ah the story of my life.

I was loving on him and telling him I’m concerned and this is absolutely the truth like fuck I don’t want anything bad to happen. Especially now. I was rubbing his head and kissing him softly on the forehead and I said “I’m over loving you” which is what I always say to the animals when I force them to let me kiss and hug on them lol. He says “this is what I missed the whole time we were apart.” I asked “me loving you?” And he replied “yeah it always feels so good.”

And that made me feel good all day. I do like to love people and make them feel good. Maybe because I feel bad so often idk. Plus I’m just nurturing, caring, always drawn to those who hurt. It made me feel good that he felt loved and comfortable with me and that, of all things, was what stuck with him. I wondered if Seth ever thinks the same thing. I hope so. I hope he thinks about it and at the very least appreciates it. Really that was the issue the whole time is I could never tell whether he actually liked me doing all the nice and caring things or if they were annoying. I’d love to know it was the first reason. Like more than I can ever explain.

I went to grandmas to do laundry. Nobody was there of course. I watched cable tv and had to get McDonald’s because I left my damn salad at home. I ate that and some m&ms abs didn’t touch any food again until I had 3 wings and most of a pizza slice at 10pm. My appetite is still not very strong. I guess that’s not terrible being im even less active than I was before.

Avondre missed work two days in a row but decided to go today. He didn’t even tell me but I saw him on the camera. He messaged later he was feeling better and they’re working tomorrow.

Francisco got called into work and he went for about 4 hours.

I only had one coughing fit in the morning and it was gone.

The news said Italy lost nearly 1000 people yesterday. That is terrible news. Everything that is happening here seems so unorganized and that there is little to nothing coming from the top. The fucker in the White House played decent human and somewhat presidential for the first part of his daily bullshit virus conferences. He only held the civility together until the press questions and he reverted to insulting other government officials who want him to do his job and saying rude and awkward shit to reporters who ask obvious questions. It’s sick.

I was less angry today however. D and I spent a lot of the day talking. I wore the shirt he gave me and took a cute pic and made it my IG story and he said heyyy you look great in my shirt. I never posted a pic in this shirt but I put it in my story this time as I’ve never seen his wife look at it. I have no idea if she even has any idea about me. I’m suspicious things are not great with them but he hasn’t told me so I’m not pushing. I’m glad to hear from him and that he’s healthy and sheltered in place. So scary over there.

We gained two more confirmed cases today.

Mariana was back to normal today.

I want to try and be somewhat productive this weekend around here. Like then I could be completely lazy and not feel bad lol. But really who am I kidding is it ever possible to be done with household shit?? I guess we’re about to see lol.

Reality is about to hit about a week into April when my social security check will disappear very quickly paying the basic bills. I hope very much that I am able to figure out how to make my credit card payments on time. Like fuck I was on a roll finally. I’m also really hoping they’re gonna add some more food stamps for us because I only have like 70 bucks left and ten days before we get more. Usually I get cash twice a week for cleaning house along with whatever extra I do and money from grandma twice a month. I’m almost out of spendable money right now and there is nothing in the planned horizon to make more money. Well Francisco is raking in money and I told him to be cautious because we might need it. And I hate that I don’t want him to carry us. And yeah Avondre is gonna have to help too. But he does.

Welp I guess ima have to hit my dab a couple times and take my meds and lay down. Well Avondre will probably be home soon.

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(‘Brother Square-Toes’—Rewards and Fairies)

If you can keep your head when all about you

Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,

If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,

But make allowance for their doubting too;

If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,

Or being lied about, don’t deal in lies,

Or being hated, don’t give way to hating,

And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream—and not make dreams your master;

If you can think—and not make thoughts your aim;

If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster

And treat those two impostors just the same;

If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken

Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,

Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,

And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings

And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,

And lose, and start again at your beginnings

And never breathe a word about your loss;

If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew

To serve your turn long after they are gone,

And so hold on when there is nothing in you

Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,

Or walk with Kings—nor lose the common touch,

If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,

If all men count with you, but none too much;

If you can fill the unforgiving minute

With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,

Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it,

And—which is more—you’ll be a Man, my son!


Source: A Choice of Kipling’s Verse (1943)


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