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Step out,

It’s time,

There’s never gonna be a right time to do something,

You gotta do it now,

Growth begins,

Outside your comfort Zone.


-Akshana

@thebignosedgirl

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Thank you for reading 🌹

The art, words are all my own 🌹

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Desire.

A word that hasn’t taken much meaning to me.

I’ve never truly felt entirely desirable.

Of course I am human.

We have days where we like our outfit,

or our skin is glowing more than usual,

or maybe we woke up with that “skinny” look.

But I’ve never truly looked at myself and felt desirable.

I’ve always depended on someone else to tell me they wanted me to feel wanted.

They do that for me.

Their lurking hands on my body,

along with the seemingly unending kisses.

So why don’t they pleasure me when I want it most?

Why do I continue to do it for them and it’s all never reciprocated?

It makes the trust issues I feel seem so much less of an issue and more of reality.

It makes it seem as though the desire they say they have for me is just one long lie.


Tes Yeux Seulement

10/21/19

5:38pm


One year ago yesterday…

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Bag Lady

I had a conversation with Myself about how much stuff we’ve been unloading in my heart for the past 9 months. It was hard at first but as time went by we began to unfold some of my deepest hurts and traumas together. I was thinking about it the other day, I realised that in life we all carry bags. Each and every one of us.

Some people travel through life with light luggage. Because they have done their personal work. They know exactly what they need to get to their next destination. They pack light because they are aware that their journey of life isn’t over yet. So they make room for more experiences. Other people have TONNES of luggage. It’s so much that they can’t carry it on to their next destination. And if they do carry it, it weighs them down in many different areas of their lives.

I’ve found that it is the same with people too. We are responsible for our bags. One of the first rules I learned when travelling for the first time was to know what was inside my bag and to make sure I took care of them.

I enjoy watching Border Security. If you’ve ever watched that show you’ll notice how from time to time the airport staff frequently stop suspicious passengers to inspect what is inside their luggage. What fascinates me every time, is how the passengers are always caught off guard by some of the items or illegal substances found in their bags which they know they shouldn’t have! Each time!

And then it hit me. In relationships we tend to have the same approach. We come into love with our own bags and at some point, both sides begin to unpack. It often looks like one person looking into the bag of their loved one and just like the airport officer, discovers something strange. Something that shouldn’t be in the bag to begin with. These could be lies, trauma and pain. You bring it to the attention of your partner and well, he or she responds by saying they didn’t even know it was there to begin with! Some know it was in their bags but choose to ignore it but as their partner you feel the weight of these items and so you make it a part of your life to unload and lighten the luggage, so that you can both move on and travel through life together.

I have been the airport officer and the passenger in my relationships. I asked myself the question “Why are you unloading the bags of another when yours is heavy too?” “What about your bags?”.

It was then that I realized I had tonnes of bags behind me. And I mean HUGE BAGS. I needed to unpack my own bags before I could go on a journey with someone else. It wasn’t my duty to unpack my partners bags. We are all responsible for our own bags.

I’ve spent the past 9 months unpacking and it’s been shocking how much stuff ive been carrying around. I can see why I’ve often felt so heavy on the inside. I understand my traumas and how they have affected me. I can see why certain patterns often repeat themselves especially in my relationships. For example, why I kept on attracting the same type of people and why I often felt empty in my relationships too. Ive been facing my own toxic ways. Needless to say, I needed to take the weight off.

God made it very clear to me that I wasn’t going to be getting on anymore flights with anybody else until I got rid of some of these bags. Even if it meant holding me back in the airport a little longer than I expected.

I pack light now. I’m ready for my next destination.

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100 Days of Productivity, 21 October 2020

days 9-11/100

Song of the Day: another perspective- Idealism

I’m trying to keep on top of this challenge, maybe soon if I’m no longer swamped with work and able to focus for more than twenty minutes at a time I’ll go back to doing daily posts. The last few days have been remarkably productive for me, I- 

  • managed to get my truck into the shop yesterday before it died again, it will be repaired by tomorrow afternoon so I’ll pick it up after class
  • submitted cultural conversation notes and discussions for EDUC, and I will schedule the next and final meeting at some point in the next week
  • completed and edited my working methodology assignment, resubmitted with correction edits and annotations
  • read two growth mindset and student retention articles
  • submitted my slideshow presentation for EDUC
  • took notes on proteins and enzymes for bio
  • completed data analysis of last week’s yeast lab, 
  • now to write the report  -_-
  • started on unit 3 of Precalculus
  • reviewed the first five chapters of Maxwell’s 17 Invaluable Laws of Growth for analysis and reflection essays.
  • I deep cleaned the floors and shelves of my room, and rearranged some furniture for a fresher perspective. I’m not sure I like it, we’ll see how it goes with my bed out of the corner
  • organized and dusted my books
  • watched some education philosophy videos to get me inspired
  • I cleaned out some old candle jars to repurpose. Not sure what I’ll put in them yet, but allowing my goblin tendencies to show once in a while is my exact definition of self care. Maybe dice. or rocks. we’ll see.

Keep reading

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if there is one tip i can give to anyone who’s going to read or re-read the secret history by donna tartt please play-reflections by toshifumi hinata in the backgroud(loop) :) it indeed is a cultural reset.

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Boy… I really cannot believe it has been almost three weeks since I’ve arrived to rainy skies in Dusseldorf!

Not much has changed in terms of my routine, but I was able to go to a few places and get a few things. 

I am now ready to go out and explore on my own. It is not something I am used to doing, but it is something that has to be done in order for me to grow!

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity for me to get out there, meet new people, create more memories, and pave the way for more accomplishments. 

Now that the chance I’ve always asked for is here, I can’t afford to waste it. I have to put my fear aside and start exploring. 

I’ve got all the time in the world, and I am finally ready to take this step.

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Can you find space for yourself in writing this week? Take some time to explore. Perhaps you’ll find inspiration in your own words. Or, in the words of others. This week’s quote is from My Name Is Why, a memoir by the writer and broadcaster Lemn Sissay. The book is a reflection on Sissay’s childhood in the British institutional care system, and how he arrived at poetry as the one place he could call home.

No matter what’s happening for you this week, there’s a space for you in writing. What will you discover when you follow your imagination?

Warmth and dreams,

Suzanne

(This is from my series on Instagram. Last week I did a video instead of a post. You can find that on Insta @suzannealyssaauthor )
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somebody from the architects’ office and the (startlingly british??) mechanical engineer are here at the house today to scope out ~phase ii~ of the reno, or more accurately the ‘yikes all the plumbing is fucked in multiple ways, not to mention you blow a fuse every time you plug more than, like, two things into the same circuit and frankly it’s a miracle we haven’t yet had an electrical fire’ piece of the great ‘Oops We Gotta Stop the House from Falling Down Around Our Ears After Literal Decades of No Maintenance Whatsoever’ project—anyway, don’t worry abt the details, they’re just a long preamble to my actual point, namely that i had people dumped in my lap this morning who seem somehow still to be lovely, normal, socially-competent people, just with masks on, and i think it actually made me feel worse about myself than total isolation has been???

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Dream: I was in a room sleeping and then woke up and it was zombie apocalypse but I looked pretty so it was fine. I got warned not to be at the Istanbul airport at 3 am when it rains.

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