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justoneday-namjoonii · 3 years

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Quarters. | 9

☼1 • 2 • 3 • 4 • 5 • 6 • 7 • 8 • 9

prompt: “I don’t know why I’m crying, I just-...I really love you, like, just staring at you really fucks me up.” — soul-gazing

pairing: Jungkook x reader

warnings/au: please keep warnings in mind—dysfunctional relationship with a capital D, toxic relationship themes, but they’re attempting to get better, probably inaccurate therapy but i tried, m-ish, humor(i try), mentions of drug usage, cheater cheater pumpkin eater?, fluff, angst, boxer!au, iceskater!au.

authors note: Hello!!💖it’s been a while since the last update but here we are. ✨This chapter is pretty long✨. Unlike some of the other parts, it is following the timeline of the previous part(pt. 8) so just keep that in mind. See m.list for other parts. Enjoy!🥰

“Do it again, you need to stop relying on your right leg so much!”

Your coach yells for the third time in the last hour, she’s being a tyrant today. Your poor ankles are about to break off, your legs are straining and the cold air is starting to feel like vengeful needles. It’s been about two months since the incident with your leg and the doctor at your last check up granted you freedom to skate again. You’re glad it did to because you were about to go crazy. After the scandal came out about you and your ex-coach judge, she asked you if you wanted to get back into pairs. She went on about how Lucas was open to joining pairs again and that maybe you could get back with him—tempting offer. You’ve thought about it, though you still haven’t made a decision. It has been months since your injury, you can no longer use it as an excuse to take things easy.

Determined to get it right, you skate back to your starting point and try it again. You skate forward, bending your knees just slightly to gain more momentum and once you turn, you take off into a triple salchow. Perfect.

”Finally,” You mutter, skating over to the edge of the rink where your coach is just getting off a phone call.

“Okay, Lucas will be here on Thursday to practice with you,” She smiles, tucking her phone in her pocket, “there’s a competition in two months and I think you two should sign up for it.”

“Coach, I haven’t decided if I want to get back into that,” You put on your blade guards and walk over to the lockers, “I just don’t know yet.”

“Think about it,” She leans against the lockers as you untie your skates and put them in your bag, “if you’re seriously pursuing this career, you have to be flexible. You’re not getting any younger. I hate it just as much as you do but you’ll get positive exposure with him and maybe even pick up a sponsor for the season.”

“Fine,” You zip up your duffel bag and slip your hoodie on, deciding to leave the yoga pants on, “but I need a break. I worked a night shift last night so I’m only standing because I took three espresso shots and I’m about to take another one, I’m exhausted.”

“I know you are, try to get some rest this weekend. You’ll be at the ballet studio for half of next week so you won’t be on the ice,” She says that, hoping it’ll give you some relief, “just don’t forget to soak your feet tonight.”

You gather your stuff and walk out of the center, waving at Carrie the desk clerk like a zombie. It’s only 8 o’clock but you’ve been here for two hours, you feel like you’re in a time loop. An eternal warp created to keep you totally spent. When you hop in your car, you crank it up and turn the heat on. Not long after, your eyelids begin to feel heavy so you drive over to the closest coffee shop. When you look down at your phone, you see a missed call from Jeon Jungkook. All prior emojis have been removed from his contact.

His call will stay missed, just like the other five. You’re not in the mood for his sob story. About two weeks ago, you decided that you two needed to take a break but he took it hard. You remember sitting on your couch with crossed arms and staring at him as he twisted and squirmed uncomfortably.

“What kind of break?”

Are there different kinds?

“The kind where we stop seeing each other all the time, I don’t know what kind that is, Jungkook. But I can’t deal with this right now, it’s causing me major stress and anxiety...”

“You can’t deal with me?” He sounds hurt.

“Not with you Jungkook, with your crap. I have a ice skating career to try to work out, a job, school, the last thing I need to worry about is whether you can control yourself,” You frown, “you were just at my house with my niece and next thing I know you’re out getting high and fooling around with other girls.”

“You’re still upset about the photo,” He concludes, “baby, I told you, it didn’t go anywhere with that girl, I pushed her off. I wasn’t completely sober but I know I didn’t let her-”

“That’s exactly my point, you were doing drugs. And for what? You don’t need it. I understand a little bit of smoking every now and then but I can’t handle when you do that other stuff. That night was a disaster. I got stabbed, how does that even happen? But of course, it would happen to me,” You massage the sides of your temples. “I’m just over it, I’m tired.”

“You want to give up on us? Just like that? I’ve apologized a thousand times, I don’t know how to prove to you that I’m sorry,” He twiddles his fingers and bites at his bottom lip, “I don’t know what else to do.”

“I’m not giving up,” You defend, “we need some space to work on our selves.”

“Why can’t we work on ourselves together?”

“We’ve been doing that and it doesn’t work.”

The conversation continued on until you two ended up arguing for a good hour before you lied, saying you had to go to class. He left and you haven’t heard from him since, not a a call, a text, a call, not even a like on any of your recent posts. He’s taking this well.

“Why did you do that!? She’s gonna think I called her,” Jungkook snatches the phone from Jimin, “fuck, are you trying to get me killed?”

“Come on,” Jimin roles his eyes with a grin, putting his boxing gloves back on, “you guys can’t stay away from each other, you expect me to believe you two aren’t talking-”

“I’m serious, we haven’t talked for weeks,” Jungkook locks his phone with a frown, tucking it in his gym bag, “she’s done with me.”

“Oh, aw man,” He is serious, “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you guys broke up.”

He had been by you and Jungkook for the entirety of the relationship, it always seemed like you preferred things to be spontaneous. Admittedly, he knew Jungkook would do something that pushed you over the edge one day but he didn’t think it would be so soon.

“We didn’t break up,” Jungkook mumbles, tying his hair back with a head band, “we’re just taking a break, that’s what she told me at least.”

“Aw, that sucks,” Jimin has to contain his amusement, it’s not funny but the fact that Jungkook is giving you full control over the relationship is unusual to him.

“Every time I think about trying to talk to her, I just remember that face she makes and that tone she uses. That’s when I know she does not give a single fuck, it’s scary.”

“Is there a reason she’s being so hard on you? Don’t get me wrong, you were in the wrong. You shouldn’t have been there but it’s been weeks.”

“Her past relationship was rough on her mentally and emotionally. When she was young she had some things happen to her that causes her to have a hard time trusting others.”

“If you knew that then why did you do what you did?”

“I don’t know, okay? Everyone's been beating me up about it but I just don’t have an answer for you. I said I was sorry,” Jungkook shakes his head, fists making brunt contact with the punching bag, “I just I miss her,”

“It’ll be alright, she’ll come around,” Jimin holds the bag, keeping it still for the lovesick boy, “just give it some time. Hey, I’m taking my niece to the ice-skating rink in town, you should come!”

Jungkook, dramatically collapses to the ground, laying back on the ground with his boxing gloves on his face. “Ice-skating, why would you suggest ice-skating!?” He whines. “That’s literally what she does, it’s just going to remind me of her...”

“Aw Kook, I know,” Jimin can’t help but giggle at Jungkook’s overreaction, “that’s okay, you’ll be fine, and besides,” He pulls him up from the ground and pushes his shaggy hair back, “you can’t stay away from each other forever..”

“What about this one?” You step out of the dressing room, turning from side-to-side to let her see, “I like the color.”

“That’s the one,” Harmony scrolls through her phone, eyes going between you and the screen, “perfect.”

“Harmony, you’re just saying that!” You whine, turning to look into the mirror again with a frown.

“Y/n, this is the 11th dress you’ve tried on, it looks great. I’m serious.”

“Okay, I’ll go with this one then,” You smile, going back in the dressing room to change back into your clothes. Yuna’s having a party for the charity she works with. All of the money donated goes to buying toys and clothes for kids in foster care and orphanages, you attend every year.

“You know, I heard Jungkook might come with Taehyung,”

Ugh, you forgot that your groups of friends are also friends. Jeon Jungkook, you still consider him your boyfriend in some aspects, but you don’t want to face him right now. Maybe you’re dragging this out too far but honestly, you don’t care. You love him but right now, you’re doing too well to let him crawl himself back into your life. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t creeping on his social media every now and then, you do care enough to see how he’s doing on there.

“Hm,”

“That’s all you have to say?” She giggles.

“Yup.”

“Did you officially dump his ass yet?”

You step out of the dressing room, rolling your eyes harder than necessary.

“Look, what happened to you was terrible. You couldn’t skate because of him. You caught him with another girl and you still let him take you home,” She was still bitter about Jungkook taking you away the way he did, she still thinks she should have insisted more.

You clear your throat, “I rather not talk about it.”

It’s been admittedly awkward every time one of your friends bring that night up. On one hand, you understand why they bash him so hard but on the other hand, it’s hard to hear. You two leave the mall and grab lunch to eat in the comfort of your car..

During this break, you’ve decided to try and take things slow, relax. Admittedly, it would be nice to have Jungkook around again, to run errands with, to cuddle with. It’s hard not to miss him, you knew it would be.

“We should go to the pop-up ice-skating rink on campus today, it’s a family thing I think,” Harmony squeezes ketchup onto her fries with a thoughtful him, “it sounds fun.”

“It’s funny you say that, Lucas invited me to go ther. He was going to go with his family, I told him I probably wouldn’t be able to.” You sigh.

“Oh, that’s right! The prince is back in town,” Harmony always had a thing for Lucas, even in high school. When you two were partners years ago, she still had a crush on him, “then we definitely should go. Are you getting back into pairs with him?

“Yeah, we’ll do one season together next year.” You have to admit, you are excited to get back into the practice with one of your best friends.

“I’ll definitely have to brush up on my ballet lessons and I was always a bit too shaky during lifts. Our instructions used to say if I don’t look comfortable during lifts on the stable ground, I can’t expect to look good while I’m being lifted and Lucas is still skating. I trust Lucas a lot more now so I think it’ll go well,”

“Jungkook will love that.”

You take a bite of your chicken sandwich with a heavy sigh, “He’ll live...”

“Uncle,” Yona sits with her little brother in the back seat while they wait for Jungkook to finish pumping the gas, “why does your friend look so grumpy? Doesn’t he want to go skating with us?”

Jimin glances back at Yona and smiles, thinking of how he should explain Jungkook’s situation. “He’s just upset, he’s fine.”

“What is he upset about?” Jimin hesitates for a moment but Jungkook signals that he’s running inside for something.

“Well,” He turns to face her, “can you keep a secret?” She eagerly nods. “Kookie is a little sad because he misses his girlfriend.”

“Oh, what happened to her?” Yona frowns, fearing what Jimin might say.

“Nothing happened to her, he’s okay, they just haven’t seen each other in a long time,” He rakes his brain, trying not to say too much about Jungkook’s love life, “but it’s okay, he’s alright. Just try to understand, he’s not trying to be a grump, he’s just a big teddy bear who pretends to be tough when he’s sad,” He grins, “but don’t tell him I said that.”

“Oh,” She nods adorably, pitying Jungkook, “I won’t,”

in the nick of time, Jungkook comes back with a receipt and mumbles something about the poor management in the convenience store. Jimin notices how Yona looks at him with sympathetic eyes but Jungkook doesn’t seem to notice. He’s too wrapped up in his phone to see that a 9-year-old is pitying his dysfunctional love-life.

It doesn’t take long before the four of them arrive at the skating rink and Jimin is helping, Juda, Yona’s sleepy 5-year-old brother out of the car. Yona takes the liberty of escorting her self out and walking over to Jungkook.

“Hi,” She looks up at him, not even a little intimidated by his towering stature over herself.

Jungkook looks around, as if she’s talking to someone else. “Hi,” He gives her a small wave, “it’s Yona, right?”

“Yes,” She nods, walking by his side, “uncle said your girlfriend skates, do you skate too?”

Jungkook mentally cringes, bracing himself for whatever Jimin told this little girl about his personal life. “No, I’m a boxer, she’s the skater.”

“Ahh, ice skating is prettier than boxing, you should ice skate too,” She looks back at Jimin and Juda walking side by side, wondering if she should walk with them or stay with Jungkook. Just when she was about to further judge Jungkook’s life choices, Jimin and Juda catch up. Jimin leads the four of them to the skate rental booth where Jungkook avoids eye contact with the girls behind the counter. It’s hard enough to be in your environment, let alone be surrounded by couples and families skating to their hearts content. It’s not the same without you, it doesn’t feel like he should even be trying to enjoy himself after what he did to you.

Jimin and the kids get their skates on, but Jungkook tells them to go ahead without him. The more he sits here, the less he wants to be here.

“We decided to come and skate for a little bit, I’m sorry I wasn’t able to take your invitation, I didn’t think I’d be able to come.” You and Harmony skate out onto the ice.

Lucas stands at the edge of the rink, smiling. “It’s okay, I’m here with my family so don’t sweat it, hey! You wanna practice a routine, for old time sake?”

“There are way too many people to be practicing a routine. Besides, I’m already sore from practice yesterday.”

“Where’s your boyfriend? I thought you told me he skates with you sometimes,” He skates a circle around you, a toothy grin on his face, “I want to meet him.”

“He was busy,” You lie. You don’t know where Jungkook is or what he’s doing, “It’s just us.″

Somehow, he believes you and skates off with his family while you breathe.

“You lie,” Harmony shakes her head as if to say shame on you.

“What was I supposed to say? I’m not gonna burden him with my personal problems.”

You two go back and forth until she surrenders, claiming she’ll leave you a Jungkook’s relationship out of her mouth for the rest of the day. You highly doubt she can but you appreciate the effort.

Nononononono—why is he here? And blonde. Your eyes widen, your palms get sweaty, just seeing him affects you. You’ve missed him. Judging by the way he’s sitting on the bench with his skates beside him, he looks sad. Who is he here with?

”Y/n, Harmony, hey!” Jimin skates over to you with two little kids by his side, they’re so cute. “What’re you two doing here?”

”Jimin? Hi, fancy meeting you here, we decided to come last minute,” You’ve connect the dots now, “who are these two cuties?”

“I’m babysitting my niece and nephew,” He holds both of your hands and the both of them say a shy little greeting, “say hello guys,”

“Hi,” Yona waves at you two and you greet her with a bright smile.

Jimin glances back at Jungkook who has yet to notice you. “Y/n, can I talk to you for a minute?” You nod.

“Harmony can you please watch them for a second?” “Me? Um, I guess but-”

You skate to the edge of the rink and Jimin follows, you already anticipating what this conversation is about.

“Jungkook is here.”

“I know, I saw him,” You deadpan.

“Look, I know what happened between you guys and he probably doesn’t want me to say this, but he’s been the biggest bitch since you two split, I’ve never seen him so at odds with himself.”

“What am I supposed to do about that? That’s not my fault.” You frown.

“I’m not saying that you need to do anything,” Now he understands what Jungkook meant about your infamous tone. “I just wanted to let you know, I figured you haven’t talked.”

“I’m sorry,” You hold your face in your hands, “I’m not trying to be mean, I just have a lot on my mind and I wasn’t expecting to have to deal with him today.”

“Maybe you two can talk, I’m not saying you should get back together but maybe talking face to face will help you find common ground?”

That’s advice that you know you should take but the thought of talking to him makes your stomach uneasy. It’s easier to ignore him, erase him from your life while you figure out what you want. You’re very childish in the aspect of talking things out, he is too.

“Here he comes,” Jimin looks over at Jungkook who is slowly approaching you two, “I’ll give you two some space-”

“Jimin, I swear, if you did this on purpose!-” Your threat is cut short when he skates away and Jungkook skates up to you. As if you don’t even see him, you quickly skate away, uninterested in anything he might have to say.

Jungkook knows he can’t possibly out-skate you. He mumbles a few curses before skating over to Jimin and the kids as frustrated as ever. For a moment, he almost changed course because Harmony, his biggest hater, is with them and she is one of the last people he wants to see.

“Jungkook, hey,” Jimin sighs, dreading the angry frown in Jungkook’s brows, “I’m glad you decided to-”

“Did you know she was here?” Jungkook cuts straight to the punch, not paying any mind to Harmony whose staring at him as if he’s a mass murderer.

“No,” Jimin shrugs, voice low in order not to alarm the kids who are skating near by, “you know I would have told you.”

“I’ll be in the car.” He skates off, anxious to get off the ice but he’s stopped when another skater bumps into his shoulder.

“Sorry!-”

“Don’t worry about it,” Jungkook shrugs, but just when Jungkook was about to leave the guy gives him a weird look.

“Wait, what’s your name? You look so familiar,”

“Jungkook,” He responds with a bit of impatience, “I don’t think I know you from anywhere, sorry-”

“You’re Y/n’s boyfriend! She showed me some of her pictures pictures,” Lucas smiles but Jungkook’s eyes darken, “I’m Lucas, we’re competing in pairs again next season, I’m sure she’s told you.”

“Oh, I didn’t know, probably slipped her mind,” You haven’t mentioned it on purpose. Then again, how could you? You haven’t talked in weeks.

Just when he thought this day couldn’t get any worse, he meets your partner, and he’s not ugly,

“She said you couldn’t come because you were busy, did you come to surprise her?”

“Something like that- I’m sorry, I gotta go.”

“Okay, well...nice to meet you,” Lucas waves him off but Jungkook doesn’t pay him any mind.

He thought this might go differently, why did he think that? As soon as he saw you, that tug in his heart came back, that desire to be around you came back. When you walked away, it made him feel like crap, you didn’t even want to look at him.

While he’s skating off to the side to leave the rink, he sees you taking off your personal skates and putting them in their bag. Of course, your caddie is right next to where his heavy black boots are. He enters the room opens the caddie with the little pass-code they gave him when he rented the skates. You spare him a glance as you tie your sneakers and he sits to get his shoes on.

“Did you have to ignore me like that?” He decides to speak up.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” You frown, “I don’t even know why you’re here.”

“Since when did you start caring where I go?” He bites back. “You’ve been ghosting me for fucking weeks and suddenly I’m not allowed to go out?”

“I didn’t want to see you...I was doing so good, I was forgetting about you.” You lean back, not giving him eye contact.

”Wow, just what I wanted to hear,” He thought you would say something like that but he didn’t expect you to be so blunt.

“You can’t say you’re surprised, can you?”

“No, but the least you can do is talk to me.”

”Fine, that’s fair. What do you have to say?” You stand to your feet, your bag tight in your hand/

”Believe it or not,” He gets up to lean on the wall behind him, “I love you, so I'm letting you drag me along and make all of the rules but I’m just asking that you communicate with me, I need to know what you want,” He tends to ask this question when he’s most desperate for your good side to emerge.

“Why don’t you tell me what you want? I’m not the one going around making decisions that hurt our relationship, not recently anyway.” You throw a jab at him, you couldn’t contain it anymore.

“If you’re trying to make me feel like shit, you’ve succeeded. You’ve been succeeding for weeks now, it’s actually starting to get to me, mentally.” As he says that, an unsuspecting few individuals come in to get there things.

“Can-” You pause and walk over to him to eliminate the awkward distance, “Can we talk about this somewhere else?”

His spirits brighten a little because at least you’re interested in continuing the conversation, you haven’t even attempted to do that until now. So when he stutters out an “okay”, his feet move as soon as yours do. He’s walking right next to you and you find yourself keeping your arms crossed, away from his hands that you would normally be holding. By the time you walk out to the rink, Jimin is still with the kids and Harmony is gone, probably in the restroom. You find a secluded area near the concession area and take a seat, he does the same right across from you.

“Do you want to break up?”

He puts it out there. He’s never been the one to hesitate, especially when his heart is on the line.

“What do you mean?” You swallow, not expecting to be confronted with that question.

He almost scoffs because you’re having a similar reaction to his reaction to you telling him you wanted to take a break.

“Do you not want to be in a relationship anymore? If this isn’t something you’re willing to do anymore, I need you to tell me so I can grieve in peace...I feel really lost right now.”

“Grieve? I’m not going to die if we break up, Jungkook, and I never said I wanted to break up—I never said I didn’t love you either. That’s not what this is about, it’s not about whether we love each anymore, it’s about trust.”

“How can I gain your trust?”

You look around, making sure no one is listening in on you two before mumbling out your answer. “I don’t know...I just don’t trust you, I can’t tell you how to make it up to me because people who screw me over, I normally stay as far away from them as I can.”

All you can think about is the lies from your birth-mother, the betrayal and humiliation that came over you when you found out about your ex. Situations like that always come to mind when the subject of trust is mentioned. You’ve been hurt and Jungkook knows that, he knows when you feel like you can’t trust someone, you shut down. You want nothing to do with that person, your pain blinds you—its your character flaw.

“You’re lucky I’m even talking to you right now,” You mumble, nibbling at your bottom lip.

“Yeah, I know.” He scoffs, a look of disbelief that turns into an understandable shrug of his shoulders.

“I’ve always thought of you as someone I didn’t deserve, you know that,” He glances down at his twiddling fingers, “when we got together, you changed me and I’m so grateful for that...I was such a shitty person before I met you- I mean, I’m sure you think I’m shitty now but I was way worse.” It surprises you when you see tears welling at his eyes that he quickly wipes away, tattooed fingers getting a bit wet.

“Jungkook,” You lay a hand over his with sympathetic eyes, “I still love you.”

“Seriously?” He glances up at you, surprised.

“Yes...You hurt me, you made me feel stupid and I’m not over it...But I never forget those times where I made life difficult for you, you never made me feel irredeemable. No matter how awful I acted, you never made me feel like a burden. That’s more than I can say about a lot of people in my life.”

The more you talk this out with him, the more you realize how harshly you’ve been treating him. It doesn’t change how you feel about your relationship, but it does open your eyes to the standard you’ve been holding him to. You don’t know if you’re ready to start again.

“Well, I have to be honest with you,” He looks at you through his dirty blonde locks, “it still hurts like hell to have you treat me like a stranger. That shit is painful, even for me.”

“I’m sorry,” You murmur out an apology before you can really think about it, “I’m just upset at you is all...” Slowly, you take your hand off of his and your eyes wander back to his dear-like eyes.

“Everyone’s telling me I should let you go but I don’t want to. I just need to know that you’re willing to wait for me, and to work on yourself...”

“I’ll do anything, I’ll do whatever it takes for us,”

Shortly after that day, you found yourself thinking more and more about your future. It made you cringe at one point, what were you planning to do with the rest of your life? Whatever you planned to do, you always imagined Jungkook would be by your side. Now, you’re coming to terms with the fact that things may not go as planned.

“Y/n, are you ready?” Lucas calls your name from outside of the dressing room.

”What are you doing in here? This is the woman’s locker room,” You open the door, now fully dressed in your new leotard.

”We’re the only ones here,” Lucas stands with a matching outfit, far less sparkly as yours.

”Why does she always pick these leotards for me? You always get the toned down looks-” You walk over to the mirror, furrowing your brows, “Oh, actually, this one is kinda nice.”

“She knows you’re the most dramatic out of the two of us, maybe that’s why,” He shrugs his shoulders before quickly running back out into the ballet studio. Your least favorite part of your career is the ballet lessons, it’s the most grueling.

“Come on out, Y/n, we only have the studio for the morning so we need to use our time wisely.”

“Sorry,” You walk out with an urgency, “the costume fits okay, a little snug but it’s doable.”

Coach gives you a knowing look, she’s been floating the idea of a diet around. As committed as you are to your craft, dieting is one thing you don’t think you need to do well. You try to stay fit but sometimes you’re more concerned about your dwindling love life than you dress size. The ballet instructor emerges from around the corner and you cringe, the next few hours are about to be painful.

Yet, as the class progresses, your thoughts drift farther from the positions and you find yourself zoning out completely.

At one point in time, you couldn’t imagine being without Jungkook. Out of all of the people who’ve come and gone out of your life, he stayed. He became your best friend and your first love.

“I don’t want to be here anymore, please, just let me go home,” You sat on the hotel room floor, hair pin in your hands and a painfully cold ice bag on your ankle, “...I can’t go back out there.”

She stands with crossed arms, her unchanging expression not doing anything for your emotional state.”Y/n, you are a professional, and do you know what professionals do?”

”No.”

“They finish the competition, no matter what. You need to stay for the judging, “

“Why? I fell on my biggest jump on live television. Cindy. I look like an amateur...There’s no way in hell they’ll even consider placing me. That means I’m done for, I might as well kiss nationals goodbye.”

”That was the last program, you still have a chance-“

”Not after Charlotte’s routine! You said it yourself, I had to be flawless or Charlotte would take my spot in the qualifying team, there was no room for error. This is the one time it had to be perfect...” You use the bed to help you up and you sit down n the edge of it.

”It won’t be perfect every time. You work harder than any girl I know, and not just in this sport, you work hard at whatever you do and you support yourself, you’re the only girl I know who’s parents aren’t paying for you to be here. You deserve to be here, you made one mistake, one. It’s not the end of the world, sweetheart,” Cindy takes a seat beside you, a comforting hand going to your shoulder, “these things happen.”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm down and think rationally. Cindy is trying her best to talk you off of the ledge but you’re very much still there. She says you work so hard, but what do you have to show for it? You’re doing this alone a majority of the time. Your family only comes to support you sometimes, they don’t have a lot of free time to spend on your hobby. Your iceskating is a glorified hobby to them, they won’t say it but it’s true. After they told you to pick a major and find a good paying 9-5, they stopped paying for your iceskating. They’re paying for school but that’s it, you’re supporting yourself in every other aspect. That gave you all the reason to try to prove to them that you were an exceptional athlete. To prove to them that you did it all on your own, that’s your only goal. Yet, the more you reach for that, the farther you get from it.

”Listen, I need to check on the other girls, alright? I hope you reconsider.” She pecks your forehead, a motherly affection that you’ve come to appreciate from her. She is like a mom in some ways. She cares for the entire team, and she would never say it, but she has a particular soft spot for you. She can see how much you want this, how the ice can take you to a different place.

You were meant to do this, she always tells you that. She saw the fire in you as soon as she accepted you on her team. Your passion attracted her to you, you never stopped, you had so much drive. Some people are meant to fight tooth and nail for what they want, sometimes you have to ask yourself, why do I have be one of those people?

Ignoring your better judgment, you packed your bags and took the 2-hour drive back to your apartment. All while you were fleeing the city to seek refuge at home, you received multiple phone calls from Jungkook but you couldn’t bring yourself to call him back. When you got home, you took off your tracksuit and sank face first into your coach.

As much as you wanted Jungkook to come to the competition, you insisted that he stay and take that job. He hasn’t been boxing as much so any extra art job he can take, you encourage him to take it. He told you he’d streamed the competition while working on the mural at a nearby bar. His heart sank when you took that fall. You put hours of practice into that routine and perfected it, he had seen you do it flawlessly several times.

All he wanted to do was hug you and tell you that you did well but all he could do was hope that you weren’t beating yourself up. He could only imagine how devastated you were and to not be able to be there for you, he couldn’t stand it. He finished up the mural and you had finally texted him saying, ‘I came home early.’ He went straight to your apartment with the big pink bunny he bought for you, you need it even more now.

”Hey, it’s me,” He opened the front door and announced himself softly and walks further inside.

The television barely illuminates the living room but he sees you laying on the couch. He sits the bunny down behind the couch so you can’t see them before walking around to greet you in your depressing state.

“I wasn’t expecting you until tomorrow, baby,” He rests a hand on thigh and kisses your cheek, “you must’ve known how much I was missing you,” His attempt to make you smile goes painfully unnoticed.

He bites at his bottom lip in thought. “Did something happen?...”

You swallow the lump in your throat and finally look him in the eyes, “Did you watch my second program?”

“I did, you looked beautiful-”

“I’m quitting.”

He turns his whole body to you, brows deeply furrowed like a cartoon character. “What?”

You cover your face with a pillow, successfully hiding your tears, “I’m calling Cindy to tell her I don’t want to do it anymore, I quit.”

“Woah, wait, why?” He takes the pillow from you to see your face, “Y/n, calm down, what’s going on? Tell me what happened.”

“I- I didn’t make the national team, that was my only chance until next year. All my hard work went down the drain and everyone saw me screw up..” You wipe your tears with your sleeve.

“Hey, it’s okay, you cry if you need to,” He pulls you into a hug, cradling your head to his chest, “I know this is tough for you but it’s not the end of the world, it’ll get better.”

You pull away from him as if he were suddenly hot to the touch and bury your face into the arm of the couch. “You wouldn’t understand, the pique of my career was riding on this, and I blew it. It feels like the end of my world, okay?”

You know your words are muffled by the couch, that’s probably for the better anyway. “T- that’s just how I feel...”

He doesn’t pry any further after that. He knows there’s not much he can say to change your mind right now. Instead, he scoots closer to your side and places a comforting hand on your back, rubbing soothing circles as he waits for you to continue.

“I have nothing if I lose this, there’s all this pressure on my shoulders and its tearing me apart...” You turn to wipe your face and sit up. “I love skating, it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do...if I stop, I wouldn’t know what to do with myself.”

You’ll never forget that night.

He lifted you into his lap and kept his arms tight around you. “You’re so much more than just your skating. You’re so good at but it’s not all that you are.” Jungkook has a way of talking you off of the edge but that night, you were especially down on yourself.

“Yes it is...”

“No it’s not,” He sighs, “look, I know what it feels like to find your identity in something and then all of a sudden, that something is gone...When my portfolio got rejected, I felt like a failure. My family never got behind the boxing thing, so I’ve always tried to find another way to support myself just in case for whatever reason it doesn’t work out...I didn’t start realizing that until recently. I’m constantly torn between giving up one dream for the other but I want to do both, you actually inspire me to do both.” You furrow your brows, briefly abandoning your own issues to listen to him.

“You work so hard and you’re showing your family that you can do this, you just have to believe in yourself, and you know what? You’re doing amazing. Tonight was just a bad night, it happens.” He squeezes you tight and you do the same, arms fastened around his neck as if it would kill you to let go.

You didn’t need to say anything after that. You settled your mind and you were no longer at the edge, you were still close, but not there. With your head resting over his shoulder, you try to peek over the couch to see what he dropped back there when he walked in.

“Hey, what’d you think you’re doing?” Jungkook leans forward and your grip around him is loosened so you can no longer look back there. “You think I got something for you?”

You look down a bit embarrassed that he caught you, “Well, yeah...you did, didn’t you?” You smile for the first time tonight and he breathes a sigh of relief. Finally.

He was going to tease you for wanting your gifts even though you just had a meltdown. But how could he? He wants to keep this smile on your face for as long as possible.

“Sit,” He lifts you off his lip and back to your previous seat on the couch, “no peeking.”

You hold your hands over your eyes, excited even thought have no idea what it might be.

“Okay, open.”

When you move your hands to see you squeal in excitement. “Oh, Jungkook! It’s so cute!” You stand up to take the pink bunny that’s almost more than half your size. “Thank you,” You lean into him with the bunny between you two, “it’s so big and soft, like you.”

“Yeah I know,” He sways from side-to-side with you in his arms, “you feeling better?”

You muffle your sigh into the stuffed animal, “I still wanna quit.”

“Oh stop,” He pulls the from your grip and tosses it onto the couch, “you’re just being bratty now,”

“No I’m not,” You whine, the issue still very fresh, “I’m still sad...I just really like my gift and I’m happy to see you...But I am still upset.”

“Aw, I’m sorry,” He lays on the couch and beckons you into his arms to lay on his chest, “let’s cuddle you until you feel better then, will that help?”

“Maybe...”

You’d be lying if you said you could live without that side of him.

A few days later, you’re surprised you hadn’t heard from him. But when you get back from the gym with a missed call from him and a solemn text to ‘call back when you can’, you actually call him back.

“Is something wrong?”

“No, nothings wrong. Thank you for calling me back.”

His voice sounds relaxed but a bit anxious.

“Did you need something?” You sigh, pouring your boiling water in your mug.

“Are you free to go with me somewhere at 11? And then maybe, we could grab dinner? Just-...Don’t be mad, please.”

Anxiety bubbles in your chest.

“What’re you talking about?”

“I signed us up for couples therapy.”

“You did what?” Somewhere in your mind, you had wanted him to bring this up—you never imagined that he actually would.

”You said we don’t know how to work on ourselves together, I read that therapy helps with that. Will you go with me? If you don’t like it, you never have to do it again I swear.”

“Jungkook...I appreciate the effort, I really do, but how did you find this therapist? Do you trust them?”

”Of course. He has great reviews online and my-...Well, my mom found him actually.”

You pause, a bit taken aback. He talked to his mom about your relationship and he took her advice about seeing a therapist? He must have really taken your words to heart about getting help.

“Can you pick me up?”

“Sure, I’ll be there in 20.”

When he picked you up, you were reminded just how well he could clean up. Sure, he always dresses so well and smells amazing, but he’s different today—you can tell he put in a lot of effort. You’re glad you decided to do your makeup and where a nice sundress, you would have felt terribly under-dressed.

“Hi, how can I help you?

“Hi, we have an appointment for Jeon at 5, with Seojoon.”

You stand next to Jungkook at the front desk, your hands tightly clutching your purse. It’s hard to not think the woman is judging you and Jungkook for being here. She’s probably seen hundreds of people come into this office but something in you can’t shake the feeling. She directs you two to the waiting room and says he’ll come get you two in a few minutes.

“So,” You begin, glancing at Jungkook, “I’m nervous...”

“Me too.” This is new for the both of you. In only a few seconds, who you assume to be Seojoon emerges from the hallway and you look at him a bit wide-eyed.

“Hi, Jungkook, Y/n, are you two ready?”

“Oh, um, yes.” You stand up in sync with Jungkook, already wanting to run out of here but you resist.

You have to admit that the office is really nice, not stiff and sterile looking, the energy is very calming. Seojoon opens the door to a cozy-looking room with tons of natural sun light. There’s warm-rose colored couch that you assume is for ‘the couple.’

“Alright, you can take a seat right there, make yourselves comfortable.” He smiles, taking a seat and you two do the same.

“So let’s get right into it. What brought you two here today? If you could both tell me your separate answers, that would be great.” Despite Seojoon looking at you directly to presumably go first, you divert your eyes and look at Jungkook to say something first.

“Well, we’re- I think we’re going through a lot right now and I just want to save our relationship.” Jungkook sits back, resting against the arm of the couch as he gazes at you to give your answer.

“What about you, Y/n?”

You glance down at your lap, feeling very out of your comfort zone and not confident enough to verbalize what you would like to say. Alas, you try.

“I feel the same way, we’re not in a good place and I’m confused about what to do-...I just want what we used to have.” You confess a bit of your true feelings but ignore the longing look Jungkook gives you.

“When did you start feeling like the relationship was changing?”

“Fairly recently. We were fine, at least I thought we were until I saw him with another girl back in an old lifestyle that I thought he gave up...”

Seojoon diverts his attention away from you and to Jungkook. “Jungkook, do you want to share a little bit about that?”

“Not really,” He answers honestly at least.

“Why not?”

“To be honest, I don’t know why she keeps throwing the same jab at me. I’ve told her the truth but she doesn’t want to hear it. I went out that night,” He almost glares at you, “I didn’t plan to. I ran into an old friend and I just-...I thought it was harmless and I got caught up...”

Seojoon scribbles something down. “Okay, so can you fill me in a little bit. Are we talking about unfaithfulness? Addiction?”

“Unfaithfulness,” You interject. “he said he didn’t cheat on me but...” You mumble, your confidence faltering for some reason. “It’s hard to believe that.”

“But you think he did so you have some distrust. Were you unfaithful, Jungkook?”

“It doesn’t matter if I say I did or I didn’t, she thinks I did.” He shrugs.

”Y/n,” Seojoon puts an end to the death stare you had on Jungkook, “can you tell Jungkook what cheating looks like to you?”

”Not sleeping with her doesn’t mean you didn’t cheat on me. Letting her put her hands on you- And I don’t care if it was just a kiss! You shouldn’t have been in that situation, and for me to have to see it on social media? I could have killed you I was so mad. You should ask Jungkook what cheating is to him. We obviously have different standards for defining it...”

”What does cheating look like to you, Jungkook?” He heeds your suggestion without any push-back.

”To me,” He hesitates, feeling a bit scrutinized, “it’s when a person violates the intimacy of the relationship by giving it to someone else.”

“What kind of intimacy?”

“Emotional, physical, every kind,” He turns to you, “I wouldn’t do thingst that I do with Y/n with anyone else, not by choice-”

“Yes you would! You did...Are you trying to tell me that you were assaulted? That she forced her way on you?”

“I was blitzed! I don’t fucking know. All I do know is that she got on top of me and I pushed her off. That’s it. I swear, if anything else happened, I don’t remember it.”

“I don’t care. You know what I’ve been through, to even allow another girl to even get close to touching you like that...It was a slap in the face.”

Seojoon’s ears perk up at the mention of your past. “Did you have to go through a similar situation in a previous relationship?”

“Yes and he knows this. I was being cheated on before and the guy had a literal baby on the way throughout our entire relationship...It was traumatizing.” It stings his ears to hear you say that. But it’s true, he knows your past and he didn’t let it stop him.

“What happened must have triggered you,” You nod to yourself, “but you’re here to try to work through forgiveness and build trust. If you two are comfortable with it, I’d like you do do two exercises; one here and one when you’re alone. The first one that you’ll do here, I need you to face each other, preferably close, and I have some questions for you two to ask each other.”

“Like this?” Jungkook answers instantly and turns to you, getting closer to you than he has in weeks. You face him slowly, eyes wavering a bit. His face has always been a soft-spot for you, staring at him makes you feel weak.

“Actually,” Seojoon stands up, gesturing for you to do the same, “two chairs might be more comfortable, yeah? Let’s go to my other room.”

You follow Seojoon to a small room with three chairs a small table in front of them. Jungkooks pulls seat out so they’re facing each other. When you look up to acknowledge him with deliberate eye-contact, for a moment he thinks you might be softening.

“I want you all to start with ‘I’ statements, tell your partner how you feel or how you felt in this case. Try to maintain eye-contact and truly listen to each other.”

“I’ll go first,” You volunteer because you want to get this over with.

“I feel alone and helpless when you go back to your old habits, I feel like you’re hiding things from me...” You find a way to keep your eyes-locked to his.

“I’m not asking you to be perfect but I just want you to make me feel special to you...Like you wouldn’t dream of being with someone else. Because I don’t think of loving anyone else, and trust me I’ve tried to imagine it but I can’t,” You bite your cheek to keep from crying, “you make it so hard to trust you. You don’t listen and you don’t change until it’s too late.”

Being emotionally inept is something you are both too good at. It’s difficult for you to share your true feelings with a clear mind, but when you do, you can never guess what will happen next.

“I feel trapped by you. I know I fucked everything up, okay? You don’t have to keep reminding me.” His tone is harsher than you anticipated.

“I’m trying to put in the fucking effort to help us, and I’m giving you time. But when you tell me you still want me but you won’t even let me come around, it’s confusing. You’re confusing, that’s just how I feel.” His brows furrow and you notice Seojoon watches the exchange intently.

“But I miss you and I want you back, I don’t want to take a break,” He leans forward with his hands firmly gripping your knees over your dress, “I know you think I’m an asshole but I try to change, I’m trying, you know I wouldn't bring you to this if I could think of any other way to prove that to you.” The strain in his voice only stirs more emotions inside of you.

“Jungkook,” Seojoon calls his name softly and Jungkook looks over as if he forgot he was there, “try not to engage in any physical, okay? It can be overwhelming.”

“Sorry,” He takes his hands from you and sits back, “that’s all I want to say.”

“Alright, well, um,” Seojoon clears his throat, eager to break the tension up a little bit, “unfortunately our session is up but I want to give you two a list of exercises and talking points. I know this was a consultation appointment but I want to give you some things to work on at home. I’ll have Kelly type up your homework, alright?”

“Okay, thank you,” you both thank the therapist but you get up with an urgency and leave the room before Jungkook can follow you. When you make it out to the waiting room, you spot the bathroom and you bolt to it. Before you have to spend a car ride with him, you need to get your emotions together.

“Mr. Jeon,” The receptionist calls him from the hall, “this is for you, you can bring it back to the next appointment for a discount.” Jungkook halfheartedly thanks her before going to the car. He doesn’t even know if there will be another session. He needs to smoke before you come out and you’ll freak if he smokes while you’re in the car.

“Why did I come here...” You look at the mirror and frown, you look so rough. It was nice to get everything out in the open but you knew he’d get intense eventually. Only when the toilet flushed did you remember that there were multiple stalls in here. When you look away from the mirror to fumble through your purse, just trying to avoid talking to her.

”Hi, how are you?”

“I’m okay, how are you?”

“Oh god, nervous, I’m nervous. Me and my husband, we’re newly weds, our appointment is in five minutes and I really don’t know what to expect. Did you have an appointment with your partner?”

“I did,” You sigh, “it was-...It was fine, don’t be nervous.” In your attempt to comfort her, you find your self in a highly hypocritical position. “Me and my boyfriend, we’re different so ours was a little- A little chaotic but I think it helped a little,” You hesitate, “I don’t know.”

“That makes me feel a little better, hopefully my husband behaves himself,” She tosses her wavy brown hair over her shoulder and smiles, “well, it was nice meeting you.”

It takes you a moment but you gather the strength to wave goodbye and go face your boyfriend.

”Excuse me, Miss, I think your husband forgot to grab this.” The receptionist waves you over and hands you a little folder.

”Oh,” You try to hide the blush forming on your cheeks. he’s not my- We’re not married.”

”Oh, I’m sorry! He only put his last name on the appointment so I thought it was your name as well. Sorry about that, have a great rest of your day.” She bids you farewell with a flustered smile.

When you walk outside, you see Jungkook leaning against the car. You thought he might’ve been smoking but you can’t detect any small. That’s a relief.

”You feeling okay?” He questions gently.

You nod, hopping in the car with the desire to be home already. He gets in the car and glances at you from the corner of his eye, he worries that this might have been too much for you.

“Where do you want to eat?”

“There’s a ramen place down the street, that’s fine with me.” You suggest, eyes trained on your phone.

The air in the car isn’t tense or stiff, its just quiet. There’s a lot to unpack from the session and you figured Jungkook was thinking through it too. That’s why when you two arrived at the ramen shop, took your seats, and placed your orders, the silence was getting to be a bit too awkward for you.

“I like the new hair, you’ve never gone this blonde before,” You glance up at him, trying to start a conversation, “it looks good.”

“Thanks, it was an impulsive thing. I heard you decided to get back into pairs,” He brings the coke to his lips, “I was surprised to hear that.”

“Oh, yeah,” You figured he would find out soon, “I’m back with Lucas for the season.”

“Good for you,” That’s not a reaction you were expecting from anti-pairs-skating Jungkook. Then again, you know him well enough to know that he’s probably keeping his true opinion to himself.

“The receptionist gave this to me,” You pull the paper out of your purse and show it to him, “I think it has additional information.”

“Let me see,” You hand it to him, “hm, soul-gazing? What the hell is that...” He reads over the description and it makes him giggle. “Nonverbal communication between lovers, allows couples to explore intimate places in the relationship. We do this already, but it’s a little more than eye contact,” He recalls those dreamy moments that he used to share with you so often, gazing at you with a smile.

“We can try that later maybe,” You avoid his smile with a glance out the window.

“Okay. So, about the session today, I hope you understood where I was coming from...I didn’t expect to say all that, I’m sorry if it was too much.”

“Don’t apologize, I wanted to hear how you felt.”

“I’m sorry,” He extends a hand out on the table, hoping you’ll take it, “I’ve thought about what I’ve done and I’ve tried to repent for it. But at the end of the day, it’s up to you. But just tell this once, you miss us, don’t you?”

“I do, Jungkook...It’s just, I’m in a tough spot and I don’t- I don’t want to disappoint anyone or myself.”

“You’re talking about your friends or your family?” He frowns at the thought of either party trying to discourage you.

“My family doesn’t know anything about this, it’s my friends who are concerned for me. They saw me get hurt and they don’t want to see it happen again, they want me to be happy.”

“Don’t listen to them, all they do is talk shit about me and try to tell you what you need. The only people who have a say in this relationship is you and me. We choose what makes us happy, not them.”

“But I’m not happy,” And it doesn’t change the fact that you’re still being judged, “I’ve actually been depressed when I think about us, when I think about what we used to have and what we have now, how did this happen?”

“I’m sorry I did this to you,” He sighs when you finally reach out to take his hand, “I never mean to hurt you,”

“I want you back so bad sometimes,” You break, letting your true feelings out to him, “but just because I want it doesn’t mean I should, it’s always been hard for me to separate the two.”

“That never stopped you before,” He flashes that smile, the one you fell so hard for on the roof of his car.

“Now look where I’m at,” You take your hand back, “going to therapy with you.”

Jungkook took you home and sunset had passed, it was already dark. You found yourself inviting him in, hugging him longer than you should have when he was on his way out. Why were you holding on to him so tight? His bomber jacket lands on the floor and you relish in his arms, you haven’t felt like this in a long time. Maybe it won’t hurt to let him in, indulge. It doesn’t take long before you let him kiss you for the first time in weeks. It feels new, it can happen a thousand times and it’ll always feel new.

But then your phone begins to ring and reality washes over you like a cold shower.

“Wait,” You pull away from the kiss and slide off of the counter to his dismay, “I need to get that-”

“Ignore it,” Jungkook cups your jaw, trying to persuade you with longing eyes, “please ignore it-”

“I can’t, it’s my mom, something might be wrong,” You quickly answer the phone and walk into the living room. “Hello?”

“Where are you?”

“I’m at home, is something wrong?”

“You forgot, didn’t you? Your brother Leo, you were supposed to pick him up so he could stay with you for the night. me and your dad had to take Milo to his Taekwondo tournament for the weekend.” Your mother stresses over the phone.

“I’m so sorry! Mom, seriously, I totally forgot,” This is the worst possible timing, “doesn’t Leo have his license, he can drive here, can’t he?”

“We have the car. Don’t worry about it, it’s handled now, his friend came by and he’s staying with him.”

“I’m sorry, I don’t know how that crossed my mind,” You can’t help but feel as if you’ve disappointed her by forgetting such a simple thing, “I’ve been busy, I’m prepping for the next season, I’m working and in school, it’s a lot right now-”

The conversation ends with a cold lecture from her and a solemn goodbye when she hangs up. You massage your temples, and look at Jungkook who’s coping with the best part of his day being ruined by a phone call.

“Everything okay?”

“I forgot to pick up my brother, my mom asked if he could crash here but I forgot all about it..”

“When have any of your siblings actually visited you? Except for your sister when she needs a babysitter.” Jungkook always sports a defensive tone when your family comes into the conversation.

“He’s only come over a few times. But he has friends who live over here so that’s normally why,” You take a deep breath. “She sounded frustrated so I know she’s upset.”

”Don’t stress about that,” He comes in close, wrapping his arms around your waist. “your mom shouldn’t beat you up about that, especially since she knows how much you have on your plate.” He smooths down your hair and kisses your forehead gently. That innocent forehead kiss quickly migrated down to your neck and you bite your tongue.

”Jungkook, please,” You get out of his embrace and leave him longing.

"Why do you keep pushing me away? I know you, this isn’t like you. You push me away but never for this long,” He follows you to your bedroom where you kick off your shoes and take off you cardigan. ”If you’re serious about making this work again, you’ve gotta help me out a little here.”

You feel him looming behind you, so close that you feel the warmth of him on your lower-back, or is that his hand?

“You’re here, aren’t you? I’m being really nice right now,” You step away from him, “but you need to stop.”

“Stop what?” He feigns ignorance.

“If that’s what you were hoping for you should just go,” You pick up his jacket and hand it to him, “it’s not happening.”

“Ok, but do you mind if I stay the night?”

You stare at him in disbelief for a moment, debating whether or not that’s a good idea.

“Why? It’s not even that late yet.”

“I don’t want to make the drive home, I’ll leave first thing in the morning.” He pleads, those big round eyes helping his case immensely.

“Fine. But you’re on the couch,” He looks a bit disappointed but he was expecting that, “I’m gonna shower, you can wait for me or use the guest bathroom if you want.”

With that, you walk off into your bedroom to get your clothes and then into the bathroom in the hall. Though you hesitated to let him stay, it’s really not a big deal now that you think of it. He’s stayed over more times than you can count so you feel no need to punish him by saying no.

Baby steps.

Jungkook falls into the couch, relieved and anxious—but mostly relieved. He was sure you were going to throw him out. When he hears the shower turn on, he begins to wonder what you might be thinking about, do you want him the way he wants you right now? If so, you’re hiding it pretty well. Just being in your home makes him feel comfortable and happy, that and your presence. You’ll be a while in the shower so he figures a few moments of relaxation on the balcony won’t hurt.

When you step out of the steamy bathroom, you hug your robe tightly to your body. Curious to see what he’s doing you peek out of the hall and see him on the balcony, shirt nowhere to be seen and smoke wafting from the little stick in his finger. Jungkook has always been a temptation, a forbidden fruit so to speak. You had one bite, and that’s all it took.

It’s a warm night, that’s probably why he’s showing all of the neighbors his tattooed glory, you giggle to your self at the thought. You run to your room to slip a t-shirt and shorts on so you can join him, you can indulge him in conversation at least.

“Hey, I was going to get a snack,” You open the sliding door and he looks back at you as he exhales a a cloud, “are you hungry?”

“I’m okay,” He puts it out in the ashtray, “thanks,”

“You didn’t have to put it out for me,” You step onto the patio and close the door behind you.

“I was done anyway,” He says that but he clearly wasn’t, he’s just being sweet, “how was your shower?”

“Good,” You sit beside him, “you can go ahead and shower if you want to, you know where your clothes are.”

“I will in a minute,” He looks out, enjoying the view of the city, “it’s beautiful out here...”

“Yeah,” You smile, reminiscing on the many moments you two have shared together on the balcony.

“So,” Jungkook sighs, probably reminiscing on the same thing, “do you want to do that exercise?...”

“Exercise?- Oh, the eye-contact thing, we can...” You turn to him and he does the same, “so, do we-”

“Shh,” He holds a finger to his lips, “we’re not supposed to talk,”

You swallow, eyes locked on his and his on yours. His eyes are so dreamy and mesmerizing, they always have been. This eye-contact is giving you a great excuse to analyze his face. The little mole under his lip, his cute nose and cheeks—you’re trying not to look at his body but it’s hard to do that right now.

He’s doing the same thing to you. Your eyes, nose, lips, he’s just taking it all in as if your a sculpture at a museum. Looking at each other like this reminds you both to see each other, to really see the human you both decided to love.

“Jungkook,” You know you’re not supposed to talk, “don’t cry...” You thumb the tears away from his cheeks, your motherly habits kicking in.

“Shit,” He wipes his cheeks, “I don’t know why I’m crying, I just-...I really love you, like, just staring at you really fucks me up.” He’s so emotional, it’s more endearing than anything.

You cup his jaw and kiss the apple of his cheek, then his lips. His hands are almost shaky when he reaches up to hold your face, you lead his hand to your face to let him know that you don’t mind.

“I love you too,” You breath, your head in the nape of his neck, “but I can’t do this, I shouldn’t...”

Once you realize you’re no longer in your own chair but in his, it’s too late to pretend you’re not equally as desperate. It escalates and the best and worst happens.

#quarters #jungkook angst #jungkook fluff #jungkook smut #jungkook x you #jungkook x y/n #bts angst #bts smut #bts fluff #bts x you #jimin angst #jimin fluff #jungkook boxer!au #jungkook au #jungkook ice skatin #I don't know what this ending is lol

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haloud · 3 years

Text

things we could burn in one go (eminence) - chapter 8

also on ao3

Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Isabel Evans & Max Evans & Michael Guerin, Michael Guerin/Alex Manes, Forrest Long/Alex Manes Additional Tags: post-s2, Canon Compliant, Angst, Canon-Typical Violence, Hurt/Comfort, Starts Forlex Ends Malex, Other Characters May Appear, Tags Subject to Update, Mutual Pining, Breaking Up, Getting Together

Chapter Summary: Forrest returns from his trip, and he and Alex clash over Michael’s presence in his life.

Excerpt:

Was Forrest right?

Was he taking advantage of Michael? No. His first instinct was no. Michael came to him when he was in need—something Alex still wasn’t letting himself stop to process.

But the thing Forrest said about power…

If he searched himself, if he had to put it in such terms: Michael did make Alex feel powerful. He always had. From the very first day, when Alex offered the only thing he had—the rebellious kindness he practiced mostly because his father wanted to stamp it out—and Michael took it, took it shy and suspicious, but then grew towards him like a sunflower. That made him feel powerful. And it would be dishonest to say he didn’t feel powerful every time he came and went and no matter what Michael was still there waiting when he returned, no matter how much, yeah, Michael made him feel weak, too, knew just the right words to say to cut the deepest.

Control was a commodity. Alex starved for it his entire life and gorged himself when it was available, and only now was he in a place where he could begin on the work of balancing himself out. Michael told him once that he never said no to him—how able was Alex to judge when they crossed such old, familiar lines worn away by the traffic they’d seen over the past eleven years? How much could Michael be trusted to see those lines either, or to tell him if they were crossed instead of just taking it?

They needed to talk. They always needed to talk. It never got any easier. And what the hell was all the talking for, if not…that thing Forrest was worrying about? Not cheating, no, but was there still some part of him that still dreamed his old dream of what peace looked like, Michael in the early morning, and birdsong after rain, and nowhere to be but here?

Sorry I’ve been so quiet. It’s been a pretty stressful few days. I love the pictures, and I hope your trip was fun.

Alex pressed send and sent a picture of himself and Buffy cuddling in the early morning along with it.

Forrest’s reply was almost instant.

No problem, babe. It’s been great, but I’m also ready to be home…and see you again. 😉

He sighed. His thumbs hovered over the keyboard as he searched for the right words to explain the situation before Forrest walked right into it, to explain why he was sharing his home with Michael, to explain why Alex balked and deflected and talked his way around every suggestion that Michael could be on his own now, that he was healed enough to make do alone. Maybe Forrest wouldn’t understand, but Alex owed him at least that much. Right?

Looking forward to seeing you, too, he said, then dropped his phone onto his chest and ran a hand over his face.

The house was quiet around him. Michael was an early riser, but a stealthy one; thus far, even Alex’s hypersensitive hearing hadn’t been piqued or sent into an anxious, paranoid spiral by so much as the sound of a foot tread from rooms away. At first, the silence troubled Alex, brought up thoughts of Michael laying stuck in his bed afraid of disturbing Alex, afraid of him, but he’d started his own day only to find Michael’s already begun enough times now to find the quiet peaceful, thoughtful.

The buzz of his phone was jarring in comparison. He picked it up to check it.

Oh yeah? Been lonely there without me? 😉 😉 😉

Alex threw an arm over his eyes and groaned.

He was saved from having to come up with a response by another message coming through quickly: Kidding—the first group just got called to board, so I don’t have time for all that. See you soon, babe.

Alex responded, See you soon. Sure you don’t need a ride from the airport? Call me if Wyatt flakes.

I will. But I think it’ll be fine.

Okay. He hesitated again. This was his last chance to say something about Michael before Forrest was back in Roswell. But, chickening out, he just said, Call me even if you just don’t want to spend three hours in the car with him.

Forrest responded with a kissing emoji, and that was that.

Eventually, Alex got out of bed and got ready for the day. He’d taken to not wearing his uniform when off base in deference to Michael’s deep discomfort with it, and, though at times inconvenient, it was worth it to walk into the kitchen and see Michael at the table with a bowl of cereal, and for him to look up and smile at Alex instead of lean back and close off.

“Got any plans for today?” Michael asked as Alex checked his watch and grabbed a banana from the bowl on the counter to eat on his way.

“Nothing much beyond work. Forrest is coming home today. He has a short layover in Denver, so between that and the drive from Albuquerque, he should get back to Roswell around the time I get off.”

“Oh. Right.”

Michael’s voice was flat, and Alex didn’t know what to do with it, so he stood at attention and waited for Michael to make the next move.

“Max will be devastated,” was all he said. In her basket in the corner, Buffy slept on.

Alex’s lips quirked up. “Maybe we can set up play dates for them. Honestly, Forrest would probably appreciate someone taking her to the park or something when he gets deep into writing or research.”

“Huh. I’ll let Max know.” He took the last bite of his cereal and stood to rinse it in the sink. Every day he regained a little more strength, but Alex’s keen eyes still couldn’t miss the uneven shakiness of his limbs or the hollowness around his eyes.

Alex checked his watch again. He needed to get going, but it was harder than he’d ever expected to leave Michael in the mornings, a thought that left guilty grit in the pit of his stomach. His heart and mind hit on a pattern he didn’t mean, a dangerous domestic assumption that wasn’t fair to anyone, not Michael, not himself, and not Forrest. The first few days, laying in the dark at night trying to locate Michael’s beat and breath from across the house, he’d told himself it was just worry for him that rooted those thoughts in his head, that if Michael was in his house for any other reason, things would be different. If it was a lie, well, Alex was comfortable with lying to himself.

“I’ll make myself scarce,” Michael was saying as he put his bowl in the drying rack.

“What?”

He shrugged and turned to face Alex, leaning his weight back against the counter. “I figured it’d be awkward if your boyfriend showed up and I was here. So I’ll make sure I’m gone by the time he gets back.”

“Michael, no.” Alex’s heart pounded sickly in his chest—Jones lying in wait to get Michael alone—Michael collapsing to the floor of his trailer, red pouring from his mouth, ears, and eyes—Michael powerless and pulled over on the side of the road to Sanders’s, apprehended and shoved in the back of a Project Shepherd van—"You can stay here as long as you need to—until we know it’s safe and the threats are eliminated. It’s not pity, it’s the same reason Max is living with Isobel right now, right? And she’s only got the one guest room.”

He was babbling, excuses flowing like wine. But no sacrificed dignity was too far if it meant keeping Michael safe—making him understand.

Continuing, he said, louder and firmer, “Frankly, no potential target should be alone right now. This shouldn’t wait until Thursday—I’m going to get in contact with Maria, Rosa, and Kyle today and work out a buddy system. Someone might have to double up; would it bother you if Maria—”

“Alex,” Michael interrupted softly. “It’s okay.”

Alex stopped in his tracks. When had he started pacing?

Michael stepped forward and, with only a heartbeat’s hesitation, so quick Alex might have imagined it, he put a warm, solid hand on Alex’s shoulder.

“If you think it’s safer, I won’t go anywhere.”

Swallowing, Alex nodded. His hand twitched at his side, but he didn’t pick it up to wrap it around Michael’s wrist and hold him there.

While they stood there, caught in the moment, dawn through the window catching dew on a spider’s web, Alex’s watch beeped little and tinny.

“Looks like you do gotta go somewhere,” Michael said, voice comfortingly casual, dropping his hand and stepping away.

“Right. I do. Look, we can just tell Forrest you were too sick to be alone. If he gets pissed, I’ll deal with it. It’s fine.”

“I don’t want to come between—”

“You’re not. I should have told him, but I didn’t, so I’ll handle the fallout. I have to go.”

“Okay.” Michael didn’t look comforted, but he didn’t fight. “See you later. I might pick up a half day at work, too. Not pushing myself,” he pre-empted.

Alex was now running too late to argue, so he had to leave it there, with just a text to Max at a red light: Michael going to work today. Call me if anything happens.

He didn’t hear from Max all day, and when he checked his phone after work, he had only a couple brief messages from Forrest confirming he made it to Denver and made it onto his connecting flight.

Made it to ABQ alright? He texted, and by the time he got home, he had a response.

Yeah. Super tired. Maybe I should have asked you after all…I’m stuck in the car with Wyatt’s music, ugh.

Michael’s car wasn’t in the driveway like Alex might have expected if he’d gotten a ride to Sanders’s and come back, but Alex took a deep breath and postponed spiraling over anything until he confirmed whether or not Michael was here. Shouldering his bag and locking his car, he made his way inside, responding with his other hand. Ugh indeed. I hope you brought the good headphones for blocking it—and him—out.

You know it, babe.

“Michael?” he called.

“In the den,” Michael replied.

There, Alex found him stretched out on the couch, ankles crossed and propped up on the arm so Buffy could sleep beneath them, a book in his hands that he set aside as Alex entered the room.

“How was your—what the fuck?”

Buffy’s head perked up at Alex’s voice, and she gave him a baleful look.

Michael grimaced. “Don’t freak out—”

“What the hell happened?”

In two strides, Alex crossed the space between them and grabbed Michael’s hand to examine it. He sported thick white gauze wrapped around his palm, and Alex had to fight down a scream of pure frustration.

“I just burned myself at work. It’s not as bad as it looks—Max just went overboard dressing it since I wouldn’t let him heal it.”

Alex scowled. Traitor.

“Have you had Kyle look at it? Why didn’t you let Max heal it? Why—”

“Alex! It’s fine. I’m fine.”

He sat up so their eyes were closer to level; Michael’s eyes were golden and earnest and exasperated and Forrest might already be back in Roswell and Alex couldn’t stand it.

Michael continued, “I’m not stressing Max’s heart or wasting Kyle’s time with something like this. Little injuries are common in the shop. I really am gonna be fine. You need to breathe.”

Following that advice, Alex closed his eyes, breathed in and counted, breathed out and counted. Of course something as small as a minor burn wouldn’t register to Michael. Alex had held those hands, felt them on his body, counted every tiny white scar and callous, claimed and cherished them when one was warped with pain and grief. This little injury was normal, routine, not anything to protect him from, not any proof of Alex’s failure. He needed to calm down.

“Your car isn’t here,” he said, changing the subject off of such heavy things.

“Yeah, Max picked me up and dropped me off. I could have driven, but you’re not the only person being overprotective right now.”

Hm. Maybe Max wasn’t such a traitor after all.

“And is Sanders—"

He cut off at the rattle of the doorknob. Buffy echoed the sound with a bark, and instinct had Alex reaching for his gun; he rotated himself to be between Michael and the door, even as Michael hissed in displeasure. But he couldn’t defend himself like this, without his powers, so Alex wasn’t taking any chances.

“Alex, hey, babe, you left the door unlocked!”

Oh. Alex dropped his head down and took his hand off his gun, running through his hair instead. Right.

“Hey, Forrest,” he called back, checking his phone as he spoke. No missed calls or messages. He caught Michael’s eye and grimaced as Buffy clambered off the couch and loped towards Forrest’s voice.

“Everything okay? It’s not like you to…”

Forrest froze in the mouth of the hallway, locking eyes with Michael on the couch, who in turn flicked his eyes to Alex like he had the answers to the awkward situation that just landed in their laps.

“Michael! This is unexpected. I didn’t realize you guys hung out,” Forrest said with impressively convincing but still false cheer. He tilted his head and shot Alex a questioning look, too, and defensiveness rose hackles in Alex’s head.

“He’s been sick, had a pretty bad fever a few nights in a row, so I told him to come over, since he lives alone and all,” Alex lied brusquely.

“Ah. Well. I hope you’re feeling better?”

“I think I’m gonna go chill outside,” Michael said, leaping up with a vigor he clearly didn’t possess at the moment, wobbling dangerously and, after righting himself, staggering toward the door.

Thank god his car wasn’t here so he could only get so far if he decided to take off.

As long as he didn’t suddenly rediscover the ability to teleport that almost killed him, that was.

“He’s been here for how long?” Forrest asked as soon as they were alone, voice still false and light. His eyes were lined and exhausted from travel.

Alex shrugged and, inclining his head to suggest Forrest follow him, he headed to the bedroom to put his gun in its safe. Buffy watched them go.

“A few days,” Alex said as they walked. “Like I said—he was sick, and he lives alone. Sorry, I should have warned you.”

“Oh. Well, I, uh. That’s okay, I guess. I didn’t know the two of you were that close?”

The safe beeped, and Alex stowed his firearm and closed it, spun the dial, and waited for the whir of the electronic lock engaging too. Then he turned to face Forrest and said, “We’re friends. We spend time together sometimes. You know, Thursdays?”

“Every Thursday.” Forrest’s voice was flat again. “Do you guys only hang out on Thursdays, or…?”

“We have different schedules, so it’s mostly Thursdays, but not always. Hell, Forrest, he was there when the two of us met, I’m not sure what you’re getting at.”

“That was months ago, and I’ve barely heard you mention him since we started dating, only seen him once, when we went to the bar. Remind me who comes to those little get togethers again? Or is it just you and Michael.”

“It depends on the week,” Alex said, growing increasingly defensive. His back was to the wall; he didn’t have much room to maneuver. His ears were ringing slightly. “But there are usually—we have the same entire friend group, hell, I invited you to a couple Thursdays, and you always said no! But, yeah, Michael hosts them, we hung out one on one a few fucking times, should I start giving you a numbered list of my known associates, or what? Fucking hell, Forrest.”

“Okay, okay, God. No, I don’t care who you see, I just…”

“Just what?”

“I don’t know, you’re exes! You’re—you’re almost more than that, even; I may not know the whole story, but you have unfinished business or whatever! I know your song was about him. So the idea of you two spending a ton of time together makes me insecure. And I know you can handle yourself, but I worry, with Guerin being—"

Alex drew back at that. “Guerin being what? He’s not dangerous just because he doesn’t meet your perfect standards, holy shit, Forrest.”

His own voice whispered wasting his life nastily in his ear, but he shoved it down. That was guilt for another time; right now his energy was better spent defending Michael from whatever the fuck accusation Forrest was trying to point his way.

“Right, right, I know.” Forrest ran an agitated hand through his hair. “Sorry, it just slipped out.”

“That doesn’t really make it better,” Alex snapped back.

Forrest sighed heavily. “I know. I know. I’m sorry, I was just really taken aback seeing him here after being gone—and you being so distant. Can you see how that might feel? Even though I trust you?”

Alex took a deep, cool breath. Yes, he could see it. He’d sat with the guilt and anxiety about it for days, even as he’d been unable to let go of Michael in his grasp. He could at least be gentle about Forrest’s reaction now. He reached out and took his hand and said, gently:

“Michael and I used to date, yes. But we’re friends now, and nothing else.”

But no matter how sincere he tried to be, Forrest’s face told him something in there was hollow. Alex’s stomach twisted.

Even if, the thought intruded, even if he did decide to cheat, he wouldn’t put Michael through all the hiding and sneaking and secret-keeping it would take, wouldn’t do that to him. Again. He shoved that thought away with force, before it could get its claws in him, as nauseous with stress as he already was.

A brief smile flickered across Forrest’s face. “Okay. Thank you. I trust you, okay? I do. I’m sorry for getting all controlling.”

He leaned up, and Alex kissed him lightly.

“Hey, now that Michael’s gone…” Forrest raised an eyebrow and tugged Alex’s hand lightly in the direction of the bed. “I was hoping we could have a date night in? Celebrate my homecoming? As long as you don’t have any plans, that is, I missed you and wanted to do something a little spontaneous…”

“Hold on, he stepped outside to let us talk, he didn’t leave leave. He’s staying until he’s out of the woods with whatever he’s got.”

The glitter that had sprung up in Forrest’s eyes winked out again. “He looked fine to me.”

“He almost passed out when he stood up! I’m not leaving him by himself while he’s sick. That doesn’t mean we can’t still go out—”

“And what, I’ll have you home by ten with a nice chaste kiss on the doorstep? Or we can go back to my place, where Wyatt will be playing Xbox in the den.”

This was the sharpest Forrest had ever spoken to Alex, and his mind spun blank tape trying to come up with the appropriate reaction. Where was this coming from? Had Alex crossed such a line, gone so far that Forrest wouldn’t trust him at all? What about his reaction to Michael bled so far out of the boundaries he tried to draw, betrayed his heart so badly with no regard for what he knew he should want? What was wrong with him?

Forrest continued, just as piercing, “Or would we still come back here? Because I figured that’d be off the table, since you’ve gotten pissed any time I even hinted we might do anything with someone else within restraining order distance, but I’m more than happy to fuck with Guerin in the next room.”

Shock dropped Alex’s jaw at that one. “What the hell is your problem tonight? If this is how insecurity looks on you, maybe I don’t want to fuck tonight anyway. Maybe we should go out some other night.”

“I just don’t get why he has to be here, and not at his sister’s! Or hell, his girlfriend’s? Does she know he’s here?”

Utterly out of patience, guilt firmly faded in the face of budding fury, Alex snapped back, “Forrest, you are more social than this dumpy town knows what to do with. You’re involved in like four events every weekend, half of them at the Wild Pony, you cannot tell me you didn’t get that Maria and Michael broke up the first three times someone told you.”

“So his new girlfriend’s, whatever.”

“What, just because he’s bi, he has to jump right into—”

“That’s not what this is about, that’s not fair, Alex!”

“Okay! Fine. But what is it about? Because…”

Alex’s heart pounded harder as he realized what had his anxiety rising so fast and thick in his throat. Forrest set the tone and pace of their relationship, even if he set it as slow as he thought Alex needed, and Alex let him because Forrest was the one with dating experience, the one who knew how these things were supposed to work. But…

Swallowing hard, Alex said, “Because if this is you saying I’m choosing Michael over you—if you’re trying to tell me I can’t be friends with my ex, that’s a hard line for me. That’s not your call. I’ve never hidden how important Michael is to me from you, and it’s not on me if you elected not to notice. You’re not turning this on me when he needs my help.”

Forrest scowled and raked his fingers through his hair. “Never, huh? ‘It was a long time ago’ ring a bell to you? Never mind. Whatever. Just…you’re too nice, Alex. I don’t want to see you get taken advantage of by a deadbeat ex or friend or whatever he is.”

“Deadbeat?” Alex whisper-shrieked. “I just told you he’s my friend, and you, what, you have to tear him down because of that? The only goddamn thing you know about him is what he has the audacity to Google next to you when you’re writing your oh-so-important Nazi fanfic, so maybe hold off on the judgment.”

Forrest’s eyebrows climbed towards his hairline as Alex spoke, and by the time Alex was done he was storming out of the bedroom, Alex on his heels. “Okay, sure. Yeah, that’s it, I’m just jealous of the guy who hangs around you begging for scraps because you two used to get your dicks wet and he can’t move on like you did. Whatever. That’s none of my business, right. I do have eyes, Alex. I see what’s going on. But I’ll see you around some other time, once you’re over the power trip he gives you.”

“Forrest, wait. Forrest!”

“I’ll see you around, Alex. Buffy, come on, girl,” he called with a whistle, barely stopping to get her leash on before storming out of the house, slamming the front door behind him.

And then Alex was alone in the entryway, watching Forrest leave through the window, stalking right past Michael huddled in a deck chair without a glance, and Alex’s jaw clenched harder when Forrest slammed his car door shut too and sped away.

Fuck. Fuck him. This wasn’t their first fight by any means, but the part of Alex that suspected he was too fucked up for an easy, normal relationship said maybe it was their last.

Would that be so bad? Would Alex actually miss Forrest, or would he miss the kind of relationship Forrest gave him, the kind that felt like what he should want, the kind that made him happier than loneliness did all the time except when it didn’t?

Okay, but now wasn’t the time to think thoughts like that, not in the moment, not so immediately, with hurt and anger still pumping red inside him. Especially not when the fault was largely Alex’s fault for not giving him warning in advance. Now was the time for deep breaths and not throwing things against the wall, no matter how much he might want to.

And as the fury left him, bit by bit, as his pulse slowed and his muscles relaxed and the clock again ticked louder than his breathing, it left this behind:

Was Forrest right?

Was he taking advantage of Michael? No. His first instinct was no. Michael came to him when he was in need—something Alex still wasn’t letting himself stop to process.

But the thing Forrest said about power…

A knock hesitated on the edge of Alex’s hearing, then came again, a little firmer, and anxiety propelled Alex down the foyer to answer it. Michael was still out there—something could have happened to him—or he could have left—Alex would call Isobel in to look for him, that was the backup plan, but—

Luckily, his front hall wasn’t long enough for him to truly get into a spiral; and even luckier, it was Michael at the door. Alex’s shoulders slumped with relief.

“You didn’t have to knock,” he said, stepping aside to let Michael back in.

Michael shrugged. “Wasn’t sure if you’d locked up in case Long decided to come back uninvited.”

With a snort, Alex closed the door and double checked both locks this time around. It really wasn’t like him to leave anything unlocked, but he’d pencil that freakout in for later.

That reminded him, though. “Speaking of locking up, here.” He opened a drawer in the little hall table and tossed Michael a spare key. “If you’re going to be going into work, or even just going out to hang out with Max and Isobel or Maria or someone.”

Michael caught it, but then he just stared at it like it was a shaken can of soda about to pop. “I, uh, kind of figured I’d be getting out of your hair.”

No! Alex wanted to shout, his already frayed nerves colliding with the visceral thought of Max’s healing failing or reversing somehow and Michael dying alone on the floor of his trailer. But he kept his voice level when he spoke, “I thought we talked about this.”

“We did! But I thought, with Forrest—”

“He can get pissed at me all he wants. The important thing is that we don’t know what Jones might try next, and we don’t know how what he did to you works, and as long as your powers aren’t back to normal…”

“I don’t want to—”

Heart rabbiting in his chest, Alex burst out, “Look, I get that you don’t want to be here, but my first priority is your safety, and—!”

“Of course I want to be here!” Michael interrupted. His eyes were wide and wild, hair a halo around his face.

“You—”

Both of them were panting like they’d run for miles, done anything but the running away and around each other they’d done their whole lives. The setting sun lined Michael in gold, slanted across the floor and the walls and got in Alex’s eyes but left the rest of him untouched.

Alex licked his lips and tried to speak again. “You don’t want to leave?”

Raking his hand through his curls, Michael replied, “Of course I don’t. I never want to leave. I want…” He spread his arms wide in a helpless gesture. “I don’t even know. Everything I’ve always wanted! But before anything else, I just want you to be happy. I’d never forgive myself if I destroyed your life even more than I already have.”

“What are you talking about?” Alex demanded. “Destroy my life? I’m the one who put you in my father’s path—I’m the one who—”

“No, Alex.”

He stepped forward like he might reach out. Alex wanted him to, but. What was he allowed to want? How had they gotten here, to this point, again or for the first time, and Alex still didn’t know the answer?

“That’s ancient history,” Michael said gently. “You could never destroy anything, you’re…”

Alex let out a harsh laugh. “Have you met me?”

“Alex.”

“I literally went into the business of destroying things and chose it four times since, even after it destroyed a part of myself.”

Furious tears blurred his vision, blurred Michael, and it only made him angrier and more desperate. What didn’t he understand?

“Yeah, and I think that sucks!” Michael said, chest rising and falling like it might if he was laughing, but the sound he made was more like hailstones, heavier and colder than rain. “But I—I’ve made my own sucky choices, too, I’m not letting you take credit for them just so you can bury yourself with them.”

“You were the one who started talking about destruction. I’m not letting you do that either,” Alex accused. “What could you possibly be destroying except yourself? I’m the one keeping you here.”

“Really? Like I didn’t just punch a hole through your relationship just by hangin’ around? I’m no good and you know that, Alex, you should—”

His heart fluttered so fast he had to clear his throat before he could talk.

“Should just walked out that door. And he took his dog,” he said breathlessly.

A beat of silence followed. Then, the corner of Michael’s mouth twitched—Alex’s eyes dropped to watch it—and he dissolved into disbelieving giggles, leaning back against the door like he needed it to hold himself up.

When he could speak again, he thumbed a tear away from the corner of his eye and said, “What are we doing here, Alex?”

“I—don’t know. I never know what I’m doing.”

“That’s not true.”

“Okay, emotionally,” Alex allowed. “Forrest wanted to date me, and he’s so normal, I thought I could, I don’t know, follow his lead and things would just slot into place. But I’m starting to think it doesn’t work that way.”

“I gotta tell you, Alex, you’ve never been great at follow the leader,” Michael said, so gently Alex almost felt it on his skin, a palm cupping his cheek.

“But I can try. I can learn new things,” he said. “So—what about your lead? What, what are we doing here?”

Michael swallowed, the apple of his throat bobbing.

“I’m as clueless as you,” he said. “And I’m not ashamed to say shit scared, either. There’s a lot of things with you and me I’ve spent a long time telling myself either won’t work out or shouldn’t. I’m scared of all the shit I’ve said before. But some of it—a lot of it stands. I wanna be good for someone. I wanna be good for you, even if I know I’ll never be perfect—”

“You don’t have to be perfect. Nobody’s perfect,” Alex breathed.

“Right. That’s what they tell me.”

The two of them balanced on the edge of a knife, barely enough oxygen between them to sustain them both without sharing. There were always two ways this could go. The paths diverged again and again and again and they turned away from the clear path so many times it made the both of them half-feral. But, inevitable, like the summer sun, like gravity and escape velocity, here they were, again, at the crossroads.

Michael swallowed again, then his lips parted, then again.

“What do you want to say, Michael?” Alex asked.

“I want to tell you that I love you. That I have for a long time.” His voice cracked. “And that, no matter what happens, I always will. But I don’t know what to do with it, after this long, and now that things have been good between us, what if we fuck it up again? What if—”

Alex’s mind whirled, with words he thought he’d never hear, with the accusations Forrest had hurled his way, about power and control and all those things that, like Michael’s heart, Alex had far to go to wield responsibly, but here was a greater truth:

Alex had never been great at talking.

He seized the front of Michael’s shirt in both fists and hauled him in for a kiss.

Michael gasped against his mouth. His lips were hot, all of him burned, blazed against Alex wherever they touched, and they touched, as Michael relaxed against him, his hands grasping Alex by the elbows and sliding up to his shoulders, the sides of his neck, holding him there as they swayed, mouths locked together. He tasted just as Alex remembered. A cascade of shudders washed down his spine and washed away every other sensation.

They kissed in the sunset sunlight, in Alex’s home in front of the front windows, and Alex buried his hands in Michael’s hair and devoured him in the open, away from any place he used to hide him, under bedsheets, in anonymous rooms, in the back of his head when he was sure he was alone. When they pulled apart, they came back together, both of them insatiable, until Alex’s lips buzzed and the ache from standing too long crept in.

Michael was wobbly too, so Alex took him by the hand and pulled him deeper inside.

“We should probably keep talking,” Michael rasped.

“We’ve got a lot of time for that. As much as we need,” Alex promised.

He knew his priorities, now. That was a promise he’d never break again.

“Forrest—”

“If he didn’t mean to break up with me when he left an hour ago, I’ll take responsibility,” Alex dismissed.

“Okay, okay.”

When Alex glanced over at Michael, he was smiling and shaking his head.

“What?”

“Nothing. I just forgot how much I like a man who takes charge.”

At that, Alex had to laugh too, and the sound came out so different, light and giddy, that he surprised himself.

“Bullshit,” he said. “After all this time, you think you still have to flirt with me?”

Michael tugged him by their joined hands. They’d only made it as far as the den and they were kissing again, just long enough to get them buzzing again.

“Only ‘cause you like it,” Michael murmured against his lips. “It’s a crowd pleaser.”

“I love it,” Alex confirmed, so soft he shaped the words more than he said them, but they were loud to him—Michael’s face changed, and Alex knew they were loud enough.

#this is not the most recent chapter #but ive been delinquent with the crossposting #malex fic #my fic #michael guerin #alex manes #sorry to my forlex pals the breakup is in this chapter i hope ive done you guys justice all the same

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slightlymore · 4 years

Text

Pride | Part 8 [The End]

Pairing: Doyoung, Y/N Other characters: Haechan, Johnny cameo Genre: Series | Smut | Angst | Crack | Fluff Warnings: as usual, language, same issues around mental health and unhealthy coping mechanisms, angsty, hard hitting family drama Words: 10K lol idk I wanted to write more bc it feels a little rushed but then it would drag too much

Okay so I did write this while severely sleep-deprived lol (please get enough sleep, don’t do what I do) so it might be all over the place anyways, when I started Pride I had no idea I would write so many parts, and that it would have been so angsty honk honk tell me if you liked the ending or not and I would love to hear what your overall thoughts on this series are (it’s fine even if it’s like “it sucked aha”) thank you for reading it, I appreciate your love and support a lot!! very many heart emojis here that I can’t do on the laptop, insert also sad clown emoji

TIME JUMPS EXPLANATION

Endind scene commentary

Doyoung has always regretted the things he had done wrong, when he was feeling weak, or imperfect, or exhausted. He would think about those moments and learn the same thing all over. Never again. And he lived with that mantra for a long time. Never again. Don’t slip, don’t let yourself go. Because it was painful.

But was it effectively painful as is, or was it only because he knew he shouldn’t have done that in the first place? Would it have been painful if he consciously let himself go? Was he feeling guilty for the mistake or for not being perfect? And at night, while breathing in and silently screaming his desire to be fragile, to break, to show people his soft imperfect soul he would think about that again and again. He appreciated that in other people a lot. Why would other people hate it in him? Why has he hated himself for such a long time? It is a denial of the inevitable. Just accept yourself, Doyoung. Accept yourself. Accept. And he thought he did it. Doyoung was sure he did it all. But as the first rays of sun hit his trembling eyelids, he already forgot. He opened up his eyes and looked at his ceiling, not remembering a single thing he told himself in the intimacy of the night.

_____

When the phone rang for the first time, you jolted on your seat, staring it down as if it was some kind of poisonous reptile.

God, you hated speaking on the phone.

When it rang again your eyes darted around you looking at the way your desk neighbors were judging you for taking so long to pick it up.

You breathed in and out.

“Y/N from Marketing speaking?” you mumbled into it. “Pizza or noodles?” a lazy but confident voice asked. You blinked, silent for a few moments, and looked around as if checking what was going on. “Who is this?” you whispered. A loud snort made you wince and remove the receiver from your ear. “-can’t believe you don’t recognize the voice of the best boy, the light of your life, the reason of your existence, the spawn of god, the joy of your miserable-,” the voice said when you listened to it again.

You closed your eyes and pinched the base of your nose. “Haechan,” you interrupted the litany, suddenly aware of the migraine lingering in the darkest part of your head. “So, pizza or noodles?” he chuckled satisfied.

It was pizza, and as you sat down for lunch you curiously looked around the dining hall. It was the first meal at the company and if it wasn’t for Haechan you wouldn’t have even known that there was a cafeteria at all. Your eyes darted to your left. It was louder than you’d expect from grown-ups.

“Yeah, it’s just like in high school”, Haechan swallowed his food, following the direction of your eyes as if knowing what you were thinking. Then he put down the slice of pizza he was holding and cleaned his fingers on a napkin.

“Okay, so, that table-”, he indicated with his head a group of people behind him, “lawyers. They can suck my dick and balls. And I’m definitely not saying this because they bully the IT department and we’d kill each other. Then in that one”, he indicated another table in the middle of the hall, “graphic designers. You probably see them around in the marketing wing where you’re at. Eh,” he shrugged, “normal people. Kinda weird. You’d think they won’t have colors on their clothes since they use a computer, but they still do for some arcane reason”.

You stared at them but only briefly before concentrating on your food as a few eyes returned the glares. The company was big and had hundreds of workers, but for some reason everywhere you looked around, people would stare back and whisper between themselves. “It’s because you made a ruckus at the party yesterday. Don’t worry, it will die soon.” Haechan explained, again reading your mind. It was kind of scary. “Where’s your group of people? Why are you eating with me?” you asked, unable to think about the day before.

About to go home the previous night, you looked for Doyoung first. You had no idea why. No, okay, you obviously knew why, but you didn’t know what you would tell him if you'd actually found him.

So you just gave up, suddenly anxious.

During the drive home, you called Johnny, not caring about the late hour. He had some explaining to do. “I can’t believe you’ve done that,” was the first thing you said into the phone.

Johnny’s voice was bright and not at all sleepy. He probably wasn’t home.

“So you’ve met him,” he chuckled lightly. “John,” you murmured tired, unable to say anything more and hoping that the tone of your voice would make him understand. And he did. “I know, I know. But listen, you’re in love with him,” he said. You groaned. “I don’t know, Johnny. I was alright before meeting him again”.

Johnny’s voice got clearer signaling that he went somewhere quieter. “It’s not true. You were not okay. Do you think I don’t have eyes?”

“But what if-” your voice stopped working and you had to gulp down. Your eyes stung as finally, you let your emotions flow after seeing Doyoung.

God, you didn’t want to cry.

“What if I’m like this only because I can’t have him? What if, I don’t know, we get together, right? and, and, what if, fuck, I don’t know, I just change my mind? and I hurt him? again? like, like-” you stuttered and ate your words. “Like you did with me?” Johnny asked. You started to cry silently. “Listen,” he repeated calmly, still able to hear your muffled breaths, “it’s going to be alright. What happened with us it’s not your fault, okay? Not entirely. We-” he stopped as well, thinking. “Johnny, it’s fine, we don’t have to talk about that again,” you sniffled. “No, no, wait, I need the right words,” he assured you. “We just weren’t a match, okay? We liked each other because we were good friends and we saw each other grow up, we were always together and we do love each other, okay? we really do, but not- just not that way,” he added after a pause. You nodded, even if he wasn’t able to see, remembering the long and emotional conversation you had a few months ago. “Doyoung though-” he went on and you breathed in and out, “he’s different. And you know that. Everything is different with him. So go and tell him what you feel, Y/N, please. I hate seeing you this way,” Johnny’s voice got thinner as if was worried. You sniffled again in silence and you both just listened to each other's breaths for a while. It calmed you. “Well,” you finally spoke with a hoarse voice. “It’s too late now” “No, no, Y/N-” Johnny interrupted you. “John, he’s married, he got married, he did it, it’s too late, I can’t-” you interrupted him as well. “Okay, okay, he’s married, like a fucking dumbass, okay,” he calmed you again. “But, honestly, I don’t give a single fuck at the same time. You said he didn’t even know the girl. He got set up. By his family. Like in a fucking soap opera. Who does that nowadays?” You sighed slightly amused. “Say fuck one more time”. “Fuck,” he swore then lightly chuckled. “Seriously though, talk to him, okay?”

And you said that you would.

And now you were there, eyes darting in the cafeteria looking for Doyoung again, heart stinging and anxiety as never before.

Haechan raised an eyebrow at your question. “I’m eating with you because you would probably eat alone right now. And-” he talked raising a finger as he sensed you wanting to interrupt him, “-if by 'my group of people'" he mimicked the quotations marks with his fingers, "you mean Doyoung, he never eats here. He stays in the office.”

You put your slice of pizza down and crossed your arms on your chest as if indicating that you didn’t like how Haechan assumed things. Haechan smiled. “I wasn’t looking for Doyoung”, you lied. Haechan mocked you with a bemused face. “I wAsn’t loOkiNg foR DoYouNg. I can tell him that you were looking for him if you want”. “No, Haechan. Wait, I’m-” you clenched your jaw and closed your eyes briefly.

Haechan stared at you waiting for you to go on sensing something more than just you wanting to see your crush.

“Do you think I should talk to him?” you asked after the pause. The boy's eyes turned serious. “About what?” he asked as well. You sighed. “About us. We… I don’t know. We almost kinda dated and he liked me first but I liked another guy and then when I understood my feelings he said that he was getting married and I had to act so quickly and I fucking panicked and then he was gone and I realized how much I’m in lov-” you stopped yourself from the frantic babbling. You gulped and looked around, as if afraid of people hearing you, or - worse - Doyoung himself.

Haechan breathed in and out slowly while adjusting his glasses on his nose. “I think you should talk then,” he replied quietly.

Your eyes darted towards his, but he wasn’t looking at you. Staring down at his pizza he played with a piece of it, rolling it around. “Are you guys not going along? Do you hate talking about him?” you asked, suddenly aware of his discomfort.

Haechan thought about it for a second then when he raised his face he got a wide smirk on.

“Every day that I see him he has a resting bitch face,” he replied, “or he’s annoyed, or he wants to punch me, or he’s like I had enough of you, Haechan,” he deepened his voice trying to imitate him. You rolled your eyes amused, almost if seeing Doyoung in front of you.

“Honestly? He’s… weird,” he added a little more seriously. You waited for him to go on, a light pressure wrapping your heart.

“It’s like,” Haechan spoke again looking at the ceiling as if unsure of what words to use, “he’s a house with all the lights on, and you come closer, but no one is inside?” he questioned looking back at you. “So you’re left with this sense of worry and uneasiness. I want to understand him but he… won’t let me get close. Not that I actually want that,” he explained with a smile.

You rested your back on the chair, pensive and suddenly feeling uneasy yourself by Haechan’s smile that didn’t reach his eyes at all.

_____

Insomnia, change in appetite, dizziness, rapid mood swings, intrusive thoughts, lack of concentration, pronounced sensitivity to external events, unfulfilled and intense longing. Isn’t this what Doyoung feared all along? Isn’t this what he tried to avoid?

“You don’t look that good, son.”

Doyoung turned his head towards his father as if seeing him for the first time. He hasn't been for a while now but thanks for noticing.

It was a bright and yellow morning. Rude and unnecessary.

“Maybe,” the man talked again with a weird twinkle in his eyes, smiling at his wife, making her chuckle as if she was already able to understand what he was trying to say, “you didn’t get enough sleep last night?” his father finished. Doyoung’s mother hit her husband’s hand tenderly with a little stop it. “I know you’re a grown-up man, Doyoung, but we still have some rules in this house. Sleeping with a lady on the first date it not gallant”.

Doyoung stared at them both.

Oh.

Right.

He met his allegedly future wife the previous night. And they were right. He did come back in the morning. It was a beautiful evening. Doyoung was sitting down rolling the stem of his glass of wine between two fingers, watching the way the dim lights of the restaurant made the golden liquid shine. Then he opened up another button on his shirt, feeling pathetic that he actually made an effort to look good for someone he didn’t care about. He ruffled his hair. He sighed. When The Wife came, he saw her legs first, walking slowly in a high pair of heels. Doyoung let his eyes gaze on them, going up shamelessly until meeting the seam of her tight dress. So he wasn’t the only one that tried for no reason. In spite of everything, Doyoung stood up and put a smile on his face. The Wife did the same and shook his hand. She sat down and the waiter came to fill up her glass as well. She said she was sorry for being a little late. Doyoung said it was alright. It was a nice night, wasn’t it? Yes, it was indeed. Kinda chilly. Yes, it is. The smog these days is terrible. Have you ever eaten in this restaurant? No, it’s my first time. What do you think is good? Let’s check the menu.

“Listen, Doyoung,” she finally said his name after a moment of silence, the cutlery gently hitting the plates as the only sound to fill the room. Doyoung looked up chewing slowly, unable to feel any taste. “You seem like a good person and I don’t know what kind of relationship you have with your family and what’s your opinion on all of this-” she started gesturing vaguely at them both, “-but I am in love with somebody else”, she finished.

Doyoung blinked at her, feeling nothing and gulped down. His head was completely empty.

He looked at her worried and pained face and felt like seeing his reflection in a mirror. She was in love? He felt sorry.

But she was also happy. He could see it in her eyes, in the way her expression wrinkles weren’t accustomed to frowning like that. She wasn't unhappy. She was just worried. That Doyoung would say that he doesn’t care about her love. Forcing her to marry him anyway.

“Me too”, Doyoung said after a few seconds.

The relief that washed over The Wife’s face was so contagious that Doyoung felt like smiling himself, but he didn’t. It wasn’t nothing to be happy for. Not for him. Not at that moment.

“So what are we going to do?” he asked her. She blushed. “We’re not going to get married. If my parents don’t agree... I’ll just run away! - with him!”.

She was so confident, radiant, and - in love - that Doyoung had to recollect himself after being hit with so much light. She knew what she wanted and she was going to get it. She was in love and she was loved back.

Doyoung felt like crying. He wanted that so badly as well.

“I came here to speak to you directly because even if I already knew what I was about to do, I thought it wasn’t unfair to not explain myself and just vanish”, she added. Doyoung nodded and sipped on his drink, unable to speak. The Wife-but-not-Doyoung’s-one-anymore looked at him with a wide smile but he saw how it flattered a little seeing his expression. “And what are you going to do?” she asked cautiously. Doyoung shrugged, letting his lips stretch in a smile that couldn’t reach his eyes. “I don’t know. Live in the moment, I guess,” was his reply, hoping that it was an adequate answer and to just drop that conversation.

The Wife furrowed her eyebrows.

“Did you come here with the intent to actually force yourself into this stupid relationship? While being in love with somebody else? Like an idiot?” the Wife asked.

Doyoung felt his eyes widen at her use of words. He suddenly felt pathetic and weak in comparison.

“No one is waiting for me,” he explained. “It’s too late now”. The Wife scoffed. “Are you in love or what?”.

Doyoung emptied his glass with a trembling hand.

“I just feel like I’ve been fighting a lot by myself while no one is fighting for me, so I gave up, as pitiful as that might sound,” he explained himself. His voice got sharper and he just wanted to go home.

The girl rested her back on the chair while crossing her arms on her chest with an angry expression. The fact that she didn’t need to walk on eggshells around him anymore made her real personality shine through. Doyoung found it rather refreshing but he hated it at the same time. He was scrutinizing himself very well already, judging his every step and word and thought. He didn’t need other people to do it as well.

“So you never broke down,” she observed. Doyoung looked up.

“Do you need to reach a breaking point?” he questioned. “Do I really need to get to the point of losing all my pride and sanity? It doesn’t have to be like this. Love is not like this”.

The Wife tilted her head to the side as if analyzing him. Doyoung felt vulnerable all of a sudden.

What was he doing? Talking about feelings with a stranger? A stranger he was sure he was about to marry just 5 minutes ago? He felt dizzy and his head hurt.

“No,” she agreed. “Love is not only this, no. But it can be like this sometimes." Doyoung poured some more wine into the empty glasses. “Why is she not doing it then? Why does it always have to be me?” Doyoung asked with the littlest voice. “Why did she let me go so easily?” The Wife sighed. “I don’t know her nor do I know you. But it sounds to me like she perhaps loves you too much-”

Doyoung interrupted her with a chuckle, shaking his head.

“-because!” the girl raised her voice for fear of being interrupted, “-she did not let her egoistical feelings get in the way. If you told her that you were about to get married, she obviously thought about you first, instead of herself and her needs. What would have you done in her place?” she asked.

“Fight,” Doyoung whispered. “But did you?” she asked again.

Doyoung gulped.

“Did you fight for her love? Your parents told you that you had to get married and what did you do? Accepted it? You went to her and were like 'listen this is the situation, can you promise me you’ll love me forever so that I know it’s worth fighting for you?' Is this what you did?” the Wife was almost angry and in another situation, Doyoung would have found it entertaining.

He didn’t reply. The Wife took it for tacit approval and went on.

“We’re taught to not be selfish in love, that if you love them then just let them go, and all of this bullshit, but!-” she slammed her hand on the table suddenly making Doyoung jolt, “-it doesn’t mean that’s how she is really feeling. I’d say she loves you." she pointed her finger towards him as a politician would after their speech.

“No, don’t feed my hopes, please. You don’t know anything,” he shook his head. “Doyoung, this makes no fucking sense. Get out of your head. I want you to call her, now. Just talk. Communication." “What?” “Call her. Do it. I want you to explain the new situation to her. Tell her that you aren’t getting married and that you love her and you’re ready to fight for your love. Show yourself."

Doyoung shook his head again. “Stop it.”

“Do it."

“Who do you think you are?” Doyoung was starting to get a little angry.

The Wife didn't budge and just smiled.

“Fate."

“We’re done. There’s nothing else to do now." Doyoung got up suddenly and retrieved his wallet. A waiter came from the shadows to accept his card. The Wife sighed and just looked at him as if disappointed. “Alright, but when Fate is going to kick you in the butt again when you least expect it, please think of me and my words." “I don’t believe in fate,” he replied putting on his jacket.

But Doyoung thought of those words all night while moving his phone from one hand to another, walking home slowly. It was cold as hell and he enjoyed the pain of it. He wasn’t alone. He could almost see the black car that was following him from a certain distance. “Yes, sir,” was the bodyguard’s answer when he told him to fuck off after he insisted on taking him home as programmed.

And he thought of those words again, months later, the instant he heard your voice in that party hall. He swore he was hallucinating. He felt his limbs paralyzing and shaking at the same time. But he was trained. He knew how to work in these high tension situations. It was a little click and he couldn’t feel anything, adrenaline killed and buried in the deepest parts of his brain, like hungry wolves ready to tear him to pieces when he wouldn’t have had the force to keep them locked anymore. And so he moved like a machine, like something as far from human as possible. Later. We’ll deal with this later. I can’t. I can’t do it now. I can’t let myself fall. Stay. Focus. Later he could feel it indeed. It came eventually. He felt it right there while worried about your cut. He felt it as he held your hand and dragged you away. Pain washed him all over as if for the first time and love. Oh, love, it was so much love, he felt like drowning, he felt like a withering garden begging for rain and it came suddenly, so quickly, that he couldn’t possibly absorb it all at once.

When he opened the bathroom cabinets he saw the first aid kit in a second, but he felt so overwhelmed and all over the place that he couldn’t bring himself to face you properly. He pretended to look for it for a while and his body felt your burning gaze all over his skin. Why were you looking at him like that? Stop it, no, please continue, no, stop, it’s too much, please, please, never stop looking at me.

When he turned around he couldn’t bring himself to touch you again either without dragging you against his chest, never letting go. Was this fate? Was this the fate The Wife was talking about? Is this real? Is everything real at all?

As Doyoung’s parents were scolding him about apparently fucking like a rabbit the whole night, he put down his coffee and intertwined his fingers together, resting his face on them, closing his eyes and breathing in.

“We’re not getting married,” he suddenly spoke up. The cutlery stopped moving and his parents’ faces fell off.

“What?” Mother asked with a tiny voice. “What are you talking about?” Father furrowed his eyebrows, no amusement left in his eyes. Doyoung looked at them.

“I-am-” Doyoung articulated every word well and slowly as if talking with a stupid person, “-not-getting-fucking-married."

Father’s breath grew in pace, eyes out of his orbits.

“Doyoung,” his mother’s voice was a little surprised whine.

He looked at her with the corner of his eyes and his expression was probably one of his worst ones so far since she jolted imperceptibly as if seeing her son for the first time.

“What’s with this attitude? Who do you think you are?” Father’s voice was getting deeper and his cheeks and neck reddening.

Doyoung looked back at him with a killing glare.

“Doyoung, sweetheart, you don’t have to get married tomorrow. Get to know each other first. You’ll definitely like each other as time goes by-” Mother tried to calm everyone down.

“Like you and dad?” Doyoung let his tongue be as poisonous as it wanted. “Getting married to someone for convenience to just fight like fucking dogs every day in front of a child, huh?” he asked.

Mother gasped and covered her mouth with the impeccable napkin.

“Kim Dongyoung!” Father hit the table with his fist making all the tableware tremble.

Doyoung didn’t flinch.

“Do you want my son to assist at how I fuck different women every night? Pretending that he doesn’t understand what’s going on?”

Mother started to sob.

“And you,” Doyoung spoke to her, ignoring her tears, “do you want my son to listen to his mother bad mouthing me from the most tender age? Telling him what a terrible father I am, that he shouldn’t love him, letting him know how unhappy she is while the only thing he should be preoccupied about is the multiplication table and which toy he should be playing that day with?” Doyoung directed his gaze towards his mom raising his voice on the last words.

“Do you want me to bring my son to work to prove to my wife that I am in fact not fucking the secretary while letting her suck my cock under the desk?” he continued this time directing his speech towards Father.

The man was fully red at this point and when he got up from his chair Doyoung thought that he was about to punch him or just drag him on the ground.

But he didn’t. He was shaking as if no one had confronted him like that before.

His voice was dangerous and slow, like a poisonous snake.

“You’re going to get what you deserve, Dongyoung,” he spoke and Doyoung knew what that was.

Because in his father’s eyes, Doyoung was the faulty one. For speaking up. For telling the truth. For letting both of them, grown-up adults that were still running away from themselves like children, face their own feelings and shortcomings. Forcing him to be perfect and to do stuff that they wanted. Forcing him to accept every shitty thing they did but making him feel guilty for his actions.

“I will. And you as well, Father,” he replied getting up and throwing his napkin on top of his plate. His mother’s sobs were the only sound he could hear as he exited the room.

Doyoung apologized for having spilled his drink on you. And you looked up as if that was the last of your problems. Your fingers were trembling as you disinfected your cut and Doyoung knew it wasn’t because of the pain.

Right?

No, don’t do it. Don’t go there again Doyoung. For once, for a single time, stop jumping ahead. Just ask. Stop living in your head. Don’t assume. She’s not in love. She’s not here because of you. This is not fate.

So he did ask. He asked why were you there and the transient relief he felt when he was as close as to believe he was the reason for all of that, that maybe, just maybe, you tried to be selfish again, washed away. Because he could see how sincere you were while assuring him that you had no idea it was the place he was working at. There was no plan.

So this is fate? This is how it works? It gives you the possibility but you still have to work for it? You still have to endure the pain of trying and trying and failing over and over again? If fate could make you both meet again, why didn't it do everything? Why did fate bring you in front of his eyes again just to listen to your sweet voice say that you were over him? Like a slap. Like giving a thirsty man a cup of water and taking it away right before the moment a single drop of refreshing sweetness could have eased his burning tongue.

It’s not so simple to draw the line. This was the only lesson Doyoung fully understood. There’s no one way someone can be. It’s not black and it’s not white. Everything is blurry. Everything is gray.

_____

“Y/N." It took only that single word to make Doyoung snap his head up and look at Haechan. “She was looking for you,” he added while standing in front of Doyoung’s desk, one hand comfortably inside his pants pocket, the other holding a coffee.

“Is that for me?” Doyoung asked eyeing the cup.

Haechan snorted incredulously.

“I’m telling you that the ex you’re still in love with was looking for you and you talk about a goddamn coffee?”

Doyoung straightened his back.

“She told you that she’s my ex?” he asked surprised. “So you don’t deny that you’re in love with her,” Haechan considered while sipping on the coffee.

Doyoung’s eyes got darker as they usually did when talking to Haechan but the younger one could see the redness on his cheeks and the way his adam apple traveled up and down, anxious and embarrassed.

Oh Doyoung, Haechan thought, you’re so fragile.

“How is that your business?” Doyoung didn’t budge, even though he was aware that Haechan was your new interest.

Was Haechan jealous? Was that a new way Haechan tried to make him angry with? Since Doyoung arrived at the company Haechan has never let him alone. He was nagging and whining and messing up with Doyoung, making him angry and irritated, laughing when Doyoung snapped.

Haechan shrugged. “I’m a Gemini. Everything is my business."

Doyoung sighed and flipped the papers he had underneath his hands as if telling the other that the conversation was over.

But he still felt the other’s gaze on top of his head for long seconds. “So you’re going to be a pussy about it.” Haechan didn’t move and talked with a low voice Doyoung has never heard before. “You’re going to hold yourself back and prepare some escaping routes, just like always."

Doyoung stilled and looked up.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” he asked almost in a whisper, too surprised by Haechan’s serious tone to actually get angry at the insult.

“I see you, Doyoung. I really see you. And I see how your father treats you,” Haechan sipped on his coffee again while staring out of the office windows as if talking about anything besides that. “Y/N was surprised when I told her that you weren’t some CEO or something. I didn’t tell her that you were punished.” Haechan filled the silence again as Doyoung was just staring. “I wasn’t punished,” Doyoung gave him a death glare.

Haechan shrugged.

“Do something for yourself for once, would you?” he added and Doyoung could have sworn that underneath the nonchalant mask Haechan had on, rested a troubled and sensitive soul.

“Are you two not dating?” Doyoung finally spoke when finding his voice.

Haechan came back to his normal self with a nasal laugh.

“You are so fucking stupid, oh my God,” he groaned. “No, darling, we’re not. That poor girl was too proud to admit that she’s in love with you while you probably just got back from your 'forced newlywed trip'”.

Doyoung furrowed his eyebrows and that was enough for Haechan to widen his eyes.

“So it’s not true,” he whispered.

Doyoung didn’t comment on that and Haechan didn’t add anything.

He looked out of the window again, lower lip slightly trembling so he bit on it. Then he smiled bitterly. “Fuck. Then you have to tell her that. Talk to Y/N,” he whispered again and just left leaving Doyoung confused as never before.

_____

You didn’t see Doyoung that morning and you didn’t see him during lunch either. Then at almost 5 o’clock your phone rang again. You rolled your eyes wondering what Haechan wanted to say to you. “Y/N from Marketing speaking." Your voice was flat but a little amused, ready to listen to whatever nonsense Haechan will talk about.

But when you heard the voice you gasped silently.

“Hello, Y/N. Doyoung from IT here."

His voice was warm and deep. Your breath grew heavier.

You couldn’t speak so you closed your eyes. Doyoung didn’t add anything either and you both ended up just listening to each others’ breaths for a while.

“Doyoung,” you said after what felt like ages and a few seconds at the same time, your nerves thin as never.

What were you both doing? What was this?

“Y/N,” he said in the same tone but then cleared his throat. “I-” he stopped. “I actually called with a purpose,” he added.

You imagined him, sitting behind his desk, cheeks flushed, fingers restless.

Or so you hoped.

Maybe he was just nervous. Maybe he hated to see you again. Maybe he was over you and now his pain just got back and it was all your fault.

“Yes?” you asked, raising your voice to seem nonchalant. “Yes. There’s this project that Haechan and I are working on,” he started, “-and we’ve been told to work with someone from marketing for the selling issues. And they suggested you since you’re new and you still have to prove yourself” he finished explaining.

You nodded. “Yes. Okay. Alright,” you almost stuttered.

“Come to my office. The map is on the server,” he ordered softly and hang up.

Just like that.

You remained still for a few seconds, with the beep-beep of the line ringing in your ears. Then you swallowed with a certain difficulty feeling your throat dry.

When you arrived in front of his door, thin nerves and muscles shaking, you just closed your eyes and forced yourself to calm down. You were about to see Doyoung. You were about to see him and talk to him. It wasn’t a dream and it wasn’t a fantasy. He was there, behind this thin closed door.

God.

You knocked.

His melodious voice told you to come in. And you did. He was sitting behind his desk, blinds slightly closed making the office semi-dark. “I didn’t know IT people had their own offices,” you smiled awkwardly while stepping in and closing the door behind you. “Well, we don’t need human interaction to do our jobs,” he replied in the same tone.

He got up and indicated you to sit down on the couch in front of his desk. He brought his laptop with him and placed it on the coffee table in front of it. You sat down, hands neatly placed on your thighs and you hoped he didn’t hear the way your breath hitched as he sat down as well, his thigh touching yours slightly.

His cologne was the same, you noticed, and your fingers vibrated, trying hard to stop themselves from touching him. You looked at his shoulders and imagined tracing them with your hand. Then wrapping them as you got closer. Then sliding them up to his nape, slowly, into his hair, closer and closer and closer and feeling his breath and kissing his lips and sitting on his lap and as you did so, his arms would hug you, pulling you close while he whispered your name.

Y/N. Y/N. Y/N.

“Y/N." You jolted. He was turned to you, hands on the laptop screen, a PowerPoint on it. You looked at the computer then at his face. He understood that you haven’t been listening to him and sighed.

You breathed in and out.

“Doyoung,” you said and you saw him visibly shiver hearing your voice call his name.

“I think that we should t-” but you couldn’t finish the sentence as the door got opened with a loud thud.

Haechan was almost breathless when he barged in.

You and Doyoung looked behind your backs, both surprised to see Haechan with flushed cheeks and red eyes. “Haechan,” you said. “Is everything alright?” Doyoung asked as well. Haechan caught his breath by now, staring at you both then his lips tightened in a straight line. “Yeah. Yes. Sorry, I’m late. Let’s go to the conference room. It’s more spacious there,” he spoke up and turning around he just left. You and Doyoung looked at each other surprised.

You bit your lower lip, unable to carry on the conversation anymore.

“You were saying? I think we should?” Doyoung didn’t budge.

His eyes were dark and his lips slightly parted. You stared at them, perhaps far too long because you suddenly felt your cheeks hot and your breath hitch.

You were leaning in, imperceptibly and Doyoung saw.

He didn’t get away and he didn’t refuse you. Looking at his eyes for a split second you could see that he was nervous.

Then the magic disappeared again as Haechan’s voice made you both jolt again. “What are you doing? Are you coming or not?” he yelled.

_____

You were sitting down, each with their own computer, clicking and typing. Doyoung briefly filled you in, explaining again what you needed to do. You just nodded and got to work.

“When is this due?” you asked after probably twenty minutes of full silence. You knew Doyoung would be silent but Haechan? It was surprising to see him so concentrated on his work, not looking up even once, no jokes, and no smirks. He was also in a bad mood, you thought, his red swollen eyes still fresh in your memory.

“Tomorrow morning. We’ll have a meeting and we’ll present the project. Hopefully, it goes well and we can go on with it,” Doyoung replied softly, almost in a whisper. You nodded. It was doable. You got back to work a didn’t speak for some time.

God, you were about to kiss him.

What were you thinking? What the fuck were you thinking? And him? Not pulling away? Staying still and looking at your lips the way you looked at his? You could do it, right? Maybe it was possible. You could talk to him and everything would be alright. Just like you’ve always dreamed.

Right? Right?

After an indefinite amount of time, you looked up and glanced at the time.

“Fuck,” you swore.

It was already night and you did almost nothing.

Haechan raised his eyes as well for the first time and turned around to see the dark windows. “We can take a break,” Doyoung murmured closing his laptop.

Haechan relaxed on his back. “Who appointed you as a leader?” he asked amused. You smiled a little, happy to see him that way again.

Doyoung crossed his arms on his chest. “You can be a leader then.” “Okay, then I decide that we can take a break,” Haechan giggled and you chuckled as well.

Doyoung opened his mouth to say something but his voice got suddenly swallowed by a loud, weird noise.

You all looked up and in seconds water poured out of the ceiling.

You screamed and got up suddenly.

“What’s going on?” you asked no one in particular putting your hands on your head instinctively. “The sprinkles!” Haechan yelled. “But there’s no fire? Is it?” you asked looking around the room, shocked.

"Haechan Lee!" Doyoung groaned, eyelashes fluttering in an attempt to see through the drops. "It's not my fault! I didn't do anything this time!" Haechan screamed back, one hand shielding his head. "Go and stop this mess!" the older ordered.

Haechan had the time to roll his eyes before running to the wall on the opposite side of the conference room.

You whined, leaving them to their bickering and tried hard to cover the computers ignoring that they were already wet in a desperate attempt to salvage them.

Doyoung looked at you and promptly came closer, grabbing stuff and throwing it under the desk before realizing that it was too late.

He groaned again.

You fell to your knees defeated, fists holding handfuls of melted paper.

"It doesn't work," Haechan yelled. Doyoung looked at him with such anger that you sensed it radiating through him even if unable to look at him in the face. "For fuck's sake, Haechan, you're useless!" Doyoung walked over and pressed the buttons on the switchboard then looking up at the ceiling as if expecting it to stop soon.

"What the actual fuck," he swore loudly since it wasn't working indeed.

Haechan whined beside him. "This was my best suit".

Doyoung ignored him and walked towards you again, looking around for his phone. "Aren't there other people in this god-forsaken company?" "Shouldn't it stop by now?" you asked, your voice almost inaudible. "I don't know. Something's broken," he spoke more softly to you.

You patted your jacket and retrieved your phone from the inside pocket. It was slightly damp but it worked. "Here," you handed it to Doyoung as he was about to lose his mind from not finding his. He took it and putting one hand on his hip he called someone.

In the meantime, Haechan crossed the room again and looked at the desk near you and the papers on the floor. "Shit," he commented. “At least I saved on the server,” he added.

You looked at his wet strands of hair as he passed a hand on his forehead throwing them back. “Me too,” you said to Haechan, then you both turned to Doyoung.

"They're coming. Let's leave the roo-" he ordered but his voice died in his throat when he heard what you were talking about. He looked down at the computers, pale as a sheet. “Doyoung?” Haechan’s voice was low and dangerous. “You also saved on the server, right?”

He didn’t and while you’ve followed angry Doyoung fighting with an angry Haechan through the corridos directed to the janitor’s room your head was hurting so badly that you thought it would burst.

“Listen,” Doyoung stopped suddenly making you almost bump into him, “I am a fucking mess, okay?” his index was pointed towards Haechan. “I am a mess and I have so fucking much on my mind, I can’t concentrate, I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, and I know this is not an excuse for not doing your job well but guess what, I am not perfect, okay? I am not fucking perfect. I make mistakes and I don’t give a shit, alright? I don’t give a single fuck about anything. And now shut up and go home if you want. You’ve done your part,” he spitted out then busted the janitor’s room open and entered it.

Haechan was still in the corridor a few steps ahead of you.

You were both still, shocked by Doyoung’s rage.

But then Haechan started to chuckle softly and looked at you.

“He did it, finally,” he said, without giving you any explanation and got into the room as well.

_____

"You've already seen it, Doyoung," you whispered slightly embarrassed.

Doyoung was in front of you, one hand placed on the other hand’s wrist trying to undone his sleeves, as he watched you getting undressed.

He looked at the way your bra cupped your soft breasts then promptly turned around.

“You could have gone to another room,” his voice was steady but his reddish ears gave him away.

You were told that the janitors had clean uniforms in the storage room and now you were in the middle of getting your soaked clothes off, with no time to go home and get changed since the dear Doyoung didn’t save any of your work.

“And also, I've never seen anything," he said. "Well, I’m not saying naked but you definitely saw me in a bra before,” you replied.

Doyoung’s back tightened and he turned around, looking at you from under his wet hair. "I'm afraid you're mistaking me for Johnny," he raised his eyebrows before turning away again.

You opened your mouth to speak but you were too surprised to say anything. Doyoung's eyes were - you might dare say - jealous and furious.

Was this what Haechan was talking about before? That he’s done it? Was he talking about Doyoung just owning his true feelings and wearing him of his sleeve? Did he finally snap?

"Okay, so who is this Johnny guy?" Haechan stepped closer with a sly smile. You looked at him but he wasn't looking at you. No, he was looking at you but not at your face.

Doyoung raised his gaze for a second and slapped his shoulder. "Look away."

Haechan exaggerated a cry. “I was just curious. I don’t care about Y/N."

“How can you not care about her?” Doyoung mumbled and you swore that your face turned violet.

Haechan put his tongue in his cheeks annoyed. "Doyoung, you're so fucking stupid. So many months working together and you still didn't get it?"

"Doyoung," you called him softly. "He's not interested in boobs," you explained with a smile, still shy from Doyoung's previous words.

Haechan gulped, suddenly blushing even harder.

Doyoung turned his head around and furrowed his eyebrows at you.

Then his eyes got wide and when he looked back at Haechan he noticed his red cheeks and the way he tried to not look at Doyoung's naked upper body.

Doyoung covered his nipples.

Haechan groaned and hit him.

“I’m not interested in you either, dumbass,” he added but still turned around to not look at either of you.

_____

It was hours later and you kept glancing at the neon green number on the clock in front of you. You got back to Doyoung’s office to, well, continue or start again everything you’ve done before.

“If you’re tired, you can go home, it’s fine,” Doyoung’s soft voice grabbed your attention.

You sighed and closed your computer.

“Do you want to talk?” you asked with a low voice.

It was almost a whisper but in the thick silence of the room, disrupted only by the buzz of the computers and your breaths, it sounded almost too loud. You glanced at Haechan, fast asleep with the head on his arms then you glanced at Doyoung again and at his slightly surprised expression.

That was blunt and all of a sudden. But it was so late and you were exhausted physically and mentally and you couldn’t take it anymore.

You both knew that you weren’t asking to chat about the weather but he still wanted to make sure.

“Talk about what?”

Yeah. Talk about what? Us? Is there an us? There was only you and him and the feelings in between. Talk about feelings? Does he have feelings as well though? Talk about me and my feelings? Fuck.

You looked down at your hands still on the keyboard and at the way your fingers started to shake. You clasped them together.

“I still have feelings for you,” you breathed out suddenly, then you looked up for a split second to see Doyoung’s expression.

His eyes were wide and round, his glossy pupils shaking imperceptibly. He didn’t expect you to say it like that.

“I know,” he whispered.

Your breath hitched at his words and you tried to swallow the lump forming in your throat.

He knows. He knows? He knows.

Of course, he knows. He probably noticed. You were no actress and you couldn’t fake your emotions. Also, you tried to kiss him just a few hours before that.

He knows.

Okay.

That’s it? And now?

You shook your head. “No,” you said. “I don’t think you do”.

Doyoung blinked, a single expression line between his eyebrows. “I don’t just have feelings for you, Doyoung. I am in love with you,” you confessed and this time you tried to sustain his gaze.

Doyoung’s adam apple went up and down and his lips opened as if he couldn’t breathe.

“I am foolishly in love with you. I am foolishly in love with everything you are and with everything you do,” your voice trembled. “ “When I think and when I don’t think, you’re still in my mind, roaming around the whole day. And during the night I can’t get any relief from this mind of mine because you’ll visit me again and for a while," you breathed in sharply, talking fast, "-just for a while, the gap inside of me would get filled only for me to wake up and realize that it was just a dream. I have so many feelings and all of them are consumed by you and I have so many things but they all mean nothing to me, without you. And I could blame everything and everyone for this but it’s all on me. It’s all on me, Doyoung. I knew everything and I still acted that way and when I heard you before when you said that you couldn’t concentrate or sleep or-” and you choked, tears spilling on your face.

Your hands found them and you hid your head in your palms only to jolt and look up at your side after a moment.

Doyoung got up in a second and grabbed your hand.

He was standing there with his fingers around your wrist, flushed and short-breathed.

Then he pulled you towards him making you stand up and you let him do that, landing in his arms, wrapping yours around his torso, muffling your cry with his shirt, closing your eyes, drifting away, head empty and heart full.

Doyoung was holding you tight, one hand on your back and the other one on your nape, stroking your hair and shushing you softly. “I hate to see you cry and I hate that I’m the reason for that. I’m sorry, Y/N,” he whispered against your temple. You shook your head with an exasperated whine and looked up at him. “You didn’t do anything, Doyoung,” you objected.

He looked at your face as well. He didn’t expect that. He didn’t expect any of that. His mind was racing and his heard was about to give up.

“That’s the point,” he explained. “I didn’t do anything. I could have tried more. I walked on eggshells around you the whole time and at the first problem I would just let you go, finding an excuse, being afraid-” “No,” you interrupted him, shaking your head again, “I don’t want to hear you blame yourself." “I don’t want to hear you blame yourself either,” he replied.

You opened your mouth but didn’t say anything, knowing how stubborn Doyoung could get.

Okay. Okay. It's fine.

“Okay, now I-” you looked at your hands, pressed on his chest feeling his heart pumping blood like crazy.

Your first instinct was to just pull yourself away, telling him that you’ve said everything you had to say. And wait. Wait for him to take the second step, to understand your thoughts without you explaining anything, just like he has always done before. But Johnny’s voice thundered in your head telling you to talk and explain yourself and to use your words, so you raised your head to look at Doyoung again.

He didn’t look away from you, not for one second, and when you locked eyes he brought one hand up to cup your face and with his thumb he caressed your cheek, removing the last tear.

“What about you, Doyoung? Do you love me?” your voice trembled.

Doyoung sighed as if relieved.

He pulled you close and cupped your face with the other hand as well.

He leaned in until breathing on your open lips.

“I love you,” he said in the tiniest of whispers.

“I love you,” he repeated. You whimpered.

“I love you, Y/N. I love you,” his soft chant continued.

He said that again and again, kissing you with little pecks, then again after the kiss got slower and as your lips didn’t want to leave each other anymore.

“Look, I’m glad you idiots finally aren’t idiots anymore,” Haechan’s voice startled you for the third time that day, “but would you get a room? If not I’m going home."

_____

You ended up all going home that night - or very early morning. The project could have granted you all a promotion but you decided that you all didn’t give a single fuck. Everything looked so unimportant now that Doyoung was holding your hand and your muscles relaxed in his arms.

You felt asleep there, in the crook of his neck, deeply, after months of insomnia.

You remembered little snaps as he carried to his car. He would shush you when your fingers gripped his shirt harder.

“Doyoung, it’s fine, I can walk. Put me down,” you whispered going in and out of sleep. “Sleep, I’ll take care of you,” and the kiss he planted on your forehead felt like a spell as you lost consciousness soon after.

You didn’t wake up a single time during the drive and it was only when you reached your front door that Doyoung woke you up by gently shaking your shoulders. “Sorry,” he said. “Last time I had luck but this time I can’t find your keys,” he added when you fully opened your eyes with a yawn. “My bag now has more stuff in it than when I was at university,” you smiled. Your voice was hoarse from the nap and from the cry you had.

Then you entered your apartment, walking slowly in silence, and you both undressed, throwing the coarse uniforms away.

You did it lazily and with no malice, looking at each other bodies, this time without blushing.

Then you sat down on your bed, completely naked and you looked at Doyoung, naked as well, standing in front of you as he removed the last piece of fabric from his body.

“Wait,” he suddenly said, and turning around he left the room. You looked at his back as he was walking away and sighed.

You couldn’t believe it.

It was so surreal.

You sighed again deeper, feeling it difficult to breathe.

You were exhausted and drained, body aching and head-spinning so when Doyoung came back with a glass of water all you could think of was the morning after your terrible meeting with Doyoung.

That time he was also standing in front of you, with one glass of water in his hand, face lit by the new rays of the sun. He had fewer clothes on now, of course, but for some reason, you started to feel as if no time has passed at all between the two events. There was no misunderstanding, no pain, no fights.

You smiled and took the water from him. He smiled back and sat down on the bed beside you. His eyes were telling that he knew what you were thinking, like soulmates reading each other’s minds and that he was thinking about it as well.

“Another thing,” he said and his voice was as tired as yours. “Someone, let's say Fate, told me to tell you that I am not married and that I am ready to fight for our love,” he added looking at you with a little nervous smile.

Your eyes widened.

“But-” you felt overwhelmed. “But the ring,” you mumbled looking down at his hands as your brain was trying to run at a speed too high for your tired cells. Doyoung looked at his hands as well before raising them up and showing that they were bare. “It was just a random ring. You assumed things,” he replied.

You looked back at his face, confused and dizzy.

“Why didn’t you tell me sooner? Why-” you gulped, “why didn’t you call?”

Doyoung sighed.

“I also assumed things. I thought you didn’t love me,” he tightened his lips. “I am sorry,” he whispered wrapping your shoulders with his arms and pulling you towards him. He nudged at your temple while you processed the information, repeating the apology, planting little kisses on your temple.

“Does this change something?” he asked after a whole minute of silence. His voice sounded afraid and you looked up at him.

“No, love, no, shh, don’t get me wrong,” you assured him with a pained expression, cupping his face.

He let you do that, slightly surprised and definitely flushed by the sudden pet-name. “This is even better, isn’t it? I mean, you’re not married,” you chuckled a little.

Doyoung cupped your face as well, his thumbs pressing at the corners of your eyes.

“Then why are you crying?” he whispered so softly that it made you sob even harder.

Your lower lip trembled looking at his eyes, at his expression, at his face, drinking him in.

“I’m just happy. And I love you. I love you so much and all of this is just-” you smiled through the tears unable to go on.

You were too exhausted and emotional to be rational in that moment. You had do idea what to do and you just wanted to be.

Doyoung’s pupils shook as he bit his lip, trying not to cry as well.

“God, how much water do I need to make you drink to make up for all of these tears?” he chuckled lightly as a few tears fell on his cheeks as well.

You were both there, naked, crying, and laughing at the same time and you’ve never felt happier in your whole life.

“What happened though? How did you end up not getting married? What did your parents-” you started to ask wiping your face. Doyoung closed his eyes and shook his head, letting himself fall down on the bed and dragging you with him. “Later,” he mumbled getting you both under the covers when you landed on his chest.

You smiled and closed your eyes as well.

And you both slept a lot, hugging each other tight, bare limbs intertwined together, skin pressing on skin, lips murmuring loving whispers. It was the highest level of intimacy, naked in front of each other, and clothes had nothing to do with it.

Your souls were open and your emotions out, telling each other everything, with no fear and with no more pride.

#doyoung #doyoung smut #doyoung angst #doyoung fluff #nct #nct 127 #nct dream #haechan #johnny suh #nct angst #nct fluff #nct dream angst #nct dream fluff #nct fanfiction

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samanthaswishes · 3 years

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Fic Writer Review

Tagged by @maos2013 (thank you!!!)

1. How many works do you have on AO3?

28.

2. What's your total AO3 word count?

188,716. I haven't looked at that in a while, so I was definitely surprised to see it that high.

3. How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

4. Only 3 I posted while only 2 of them I have finished fics for. They are My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic (I WAS 12), Avengers (the only fandom I haven't posted a fic for but have written for), Descendants, and of course, Agents of Shield. I feel like there might be more, but these are the only ones I have full memory of writing for.

4. What are your top 5 fics by kudos?

This is Home 277 kudos - My very first aos fic and also the very first fic I ever posted on ao3! And of course, it's a Dousy baby fic, which is kinda on-brand for me at this point. Also, it turned 1 year old almost a couple weeks ago, so there's that!

A Miracle Starts With a Beat of a Heart 192 kudos - 1/2 of my multi-chapter fics, and currently my longest multi-chapter fic on ao3. It's also the first fic to reach 100k words. This is definitely the fic I've worked the hardest on, and I'm so proud of what I've created.

Bittersweet Moments 79 kudos - I was surprised by this since I haven't updated this in a long time. My Mama May and Daisy additional/missing scenes fic that I should probably continue, but I just haven't gotten around to it. Probably should cause I have so many fluffy and angsty moments for these two.

Aftermath 73 kudos - 3x15 aftermath/missing scenes. 3x15 is my favorite season 3 episode, so I just wanted to do a one-shot of the aftermath with the team finding Daisy at the top of the building and also her in recovery with a little bit of sweet Mama May and Daisy moments.

Bedtime Stories 64 kudos - The first one-shot sequel to This is Home and the first fic written in the Their Future series about the kids of the Shield Team. This was in where Daniel tells his and Daisy's youngest child, Eleanor, a bedtime story of how he and Daisy first met. Just fluffy father-daughter bonding. And of course, Dousy cause you can never have enough of them.

5. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

YES!! I respond because it literally makes my day whenever I see a comment, so I want to make sure I let everyone who comments on my works know that I am so grateful for their comment, even if it's just as simple as a heart emoji.

6. What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

I don't think I really have that many fics that end in angst if they do at all. I mostly write fluff, but if there is angst, it's a hurt/comfort so it usually ends in fluff. I guess Aftermath ends more ominously (but not really since we know what happens after 3x15), so that's the closest I can think of to an angsty ending. I do know that Chapter 4 of A Miracle Starts With a Beat of a Heart ends in slight angst since that part of the fic is between seasons 5 and 6, so they get the news that Coulson dies at the end of it.

7. Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

Nope. I don't have the imagination for it.

8. Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Not that I know of.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Nope.

10. Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Yes. Sort of. The very first Descendants fic I wrote when I was 16/17 (so about 4 years ago) and posted on Wattpad had its plot stolen and the characters' names were changed. The author added "inspired by [my fic's name] by [my username at the time]" later so I got credit eventually. I wasn't really upset at the time since I was still starting out writing frequently, and I guess if someone copies your fic, that means you did something right that they liked.

However, if it were to happen now, I would probably be super upset since I feel more connected to my fics now than before.

11. Have you ever had a fic translated.

No, but that would be cool to see!

12. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

Nope, but I think it was my freshman year of high school, me and my friends wrote """fics""" about each other, and it was super weird but super funny at the same time.

13. What's your all-time favorite ship?

DOUSY!!! They really took my favorite fictional character ever and paired her with my favorite character from Agent Carter and probably my favorite male character ever, and they just worked so well! Like I was already excited for season 7 when I heard they were bringing Daniel back, but then put him and Daisy together... OMG! I would've thought their meeting was impossible, but then time travel was added to the show, and they just compliment each other so well!

14. What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

I don't really think I have WIPs that I won't eventually finish. For fics at least. I wrote a couple of original stuff during my freshman/sophomore years of high school, and I probably won't touch those ever again.

But if we're talking WIPs that I haven't written and they're in my head... next question!

15. What are your writing strengths?

I feel like I do fluff really well.

16. What are your writing weaknesses?

I feel like I still need to work on high-emotion stuff. Like showing anger and stuff and using blows towards the characters that don't sound too cringy/forced when they say it.

17. What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

For me, as long as it makes sense for the character who is saying it and when they're saying it. I try not to do it too much since I only speak English fluently while I can only understand some words and phrases in Tagalog, and I don't want to mess something up since I use Google Translate if I do write in another language. For example, I think I only really write Elena speaking Spanish and May speaking Mandarin in kind of happy emotional scenes. I might throw in a few phrases here and there in Spanish for Elena since she sometimes does that in the show as well.

18. What was the first fandom you wrote for?

My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. (AGAIN, I WAS 12. DON'T JUDGE ME.)

19. What's you're favorite fic you've written?

A Miracle Starts With a Beat of a Heart quickly became a favorite of mine, but I truly do love most of the fics that I have written.

Tagging: @stilltryingtowrite @mtab2260 @marvelsquake @puddle-of-awesomeness and any other fic writers who want to do this!

#tag game #fanfic #fanfiction #writer #writing

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pappydaddy · 3 years

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Pappydaddy's 300 Followers Celebration Event

Hello lovelies! I am once again amazed by the support from all of you and the growing number of lovelies joining the blog! I want to welcome all my new followers and celebrate all the followers who have been here with an event! In the past, my events haven't been all that organized - that's on me. But this time, for my 300 FOLLOWER CELEBRATION (crazy to think that I'm at 300 already!), I wanted to create a better event for you lovelies.

However, before I get on to the details of the event, I want to get a bit sappy and mushy on all of you for a moment -

When I started this blog a little more than a year ago, I really did not expect this support and all of this love from anyone. In the past, I've tried Wattpad and Quotev (yes, I am THAT old), but I never found my works being seen or the love I have received from Tumblr - if anything, I received hate on those platforms which was very discouraging for a writer in high school/middle school. But, I loved reading fics on chrome so I decided to make an account so I could actually interact with the fics and the fandoms. I never intended to write my own until one day, I decided to try my hand in writing fics.

From there, my blog grew to what it is today. It's hard to believe that was only about a year ago that I posted my first fic. Looking back upon that moment I decided to try my hand at it, I am incredibly happy I went through with it and continued. Not only have I found so many supportive people who I can talk to, but I can also be that for others. I can be the person they reach out to for help. The person they talk to in the comments and joke around with. However. that's not the only positives that came along with that decision. I've also improved as a writer and as a person. I've become more confident, more firm in my beliefs, more comfortable with myself, etc. I found this is a place where I can share my struggles freely, I can share the things I've learned over the years to nurture someone who might be going through the same thing, and I can post things poking fun at myself. No matter what I post, I never feel judged because I know you lovelies are always so accepting and sweet. I am beyond thankful for every single one of you and I am so happy that you guys found my blog and I found all of you. I strive every day to make this blog a safer/happier place for all of you. I also try my best to write at least a little bit every day - and even if I don't, I try to do something (like, think of where I want a fic to go, what I might change, read the fic over, etc.).

Anywho, I know I'm ranting a bit, but fear not lovelies! I am cutting myself off and getting the event now! So without further ado, I present to you:

PAPPYDADDY'S 300 FOLLOWERS CELEBRATION EVENT

This event will close: AUGUST 28TH @ 11:59 PM EST (NOW CLOSED)

Rules: Have fun | be respectful | my request rules still apply (some)

Extra links:

How to request: Simply send in an ask with the emoji corresponding with the option you want + any other information applicable or you wish to input. All answered requests will be placed under the #pappydaddy's 300 follower celebration!

📝 = Write a blub - give me (1) a character from one of the shows/movies I write for, (2) a song, a prompt, a word, a title, etc. (3) a general feel to the fic (i.e., angst, fluff, sad, character death, etc.) and I will write a blurb for it. It won't be long by any means, but they most likely won't be all the same length.

✏️ (Alternative to above) = Just give me a word (ex.., champagne, beer, shower, car, blanket, etc.) and a character and I will write a blurb.

🏆 = Give me things to rank (i.e., characters, movies, shows, books, songs, my own fics, etc.) and I will order them based on personal preference (least to most liked) - DO NOT SEND ME OTHER FICS FROM DIFFERENT WRITERS TO RANK!

🎸= Discribe yourself and I will give you a song or an artist I think you would like.

🎧= Give me a character and I will create a playlist I think would fit them.

🌹= Tell me about yourself and I will give a character I think I would ship you with (if you give me the fandoms we have in common, I can give you a character from that/those specific fandom(s)). This could work better if you request off anon so I can get a better feel, but you can 100% request on anon - it's your preference!

🎵 = tell me about yourself and give me a character and I will make a playlist that I think would suit your relationship with each other -- please specify which type of relationship (romantic, platonic, etc.) or I will assume it's romantic.

💋= Give me a list of characters and I will choose who I would rather marry/fuck/kill - the characters can be from multiple fandoms!

🧚🏻= Submit a show/movie line (or whole show/movie) for the prompt list I am making!

I hope you lovelies have fun during this WEEK LONG event! I cannot express how thankful I am for all of you💛!

#pappydaddy's 300 followers celebration

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eastasianfeelings · 5 years

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how to go blind with jealousy: Hyungwon

— based on Monsta X as jealous boyfriends

Summary: Your boyfriend Hyungwon’s not the jealous type. So what if you’re a new make-up model on the show Lipstick Prince surrounded by other male idols? No big deal. Right?

Words: 2.8k

Warnings: jealousy, a bit of angst, making out

Dating an idol isn’t easy, especially when you’re a model-wannabe trying to break into the Korean entertainment industry. You and Hyungwon see each other maybe once a week if you’re lucky. You can’t complain, because you want success for him and he does for you as well.

When you get your first TV gig in a while as the nameless make-up model in the next few episodes of Lipstick Prince, you decide to text him the news instead of facetiming him. Monsta X is in the middle of comeback promotions, and you don’t want to risk calling him at the wrong time in the wrong place and accidentally exposing your relationship.

In the weeks leading up to your first Lipstick Prince appearance, the only message you get from Hyungwon is a Congratulations! and a heart emoji. So you’re surprised when you get a message from him on the first day of filming that reads, You’re shooting today, right? Fighting.

You reply with a quick Thank you and a V-sign, and then it’s time to shoot.

It’s the simplest role you’ve ever done: all you do is sit on a stool while a professional make-up artist uses your face as a canvas and explains to a bunch of male idols how to apply make-up. If you weren’t dating Hyungwon, the proximity to so many cream-of-the-crop K-pop idols would probably faze you a lot more than it does.

Your fortitude is tested when Vixx’s Leo, who’s guest-starring in place of N for the episode, asks to try contouring and highlighting on you instead of the mannequin.

“This mannequin head isn’t real,” he presents as his rationale.

Heechul’s bemused: “Of course it isn’t real, Leo-ssi. It’s a decapitated head.”

“So I want to try it out on her. Before I have to do it for real.”

“It is his first time,” the make-up artist acknowledges. “It might be better for him to get in some extra practice.”

“To make sure I don’t mess up,” Leo says bluntly.

Just like that, you’re out in the main filming studio, sitting across from Jung Taekwoon at a small pink vanity with lights shining in your face. You’re working to keep your expression completely neutral. It’s hard, with Leo staring critically at your face.

“But I don’t think her face is the same shape as today’s princess,” he says after several moments of silence.

The make-up artist steps in. “All people are different, Leo-ssi. Part of learning make-up is to understand what will work well with different faces.”

“If you don’t want her, I’ll take her, hyung,” SF9’s Rowoon offers.

“Wait, I need the practice!” Astro’s Eunwoo pipes up. “I’m new, remember?” He’s the one who replaced Shownu as a regular this season.

“Yah, it’s an unfair advantage if they get to practice on the model,” BtoB’s Eunkwang protests.

While the rest of the idols join the conversation, Leo makes a move. You find your chair abruptly tugged close in between his spread legs, leaving you exposed to his judging stare from a short distance.

“Can you pucker your lips,” he says to you, his voice quiet under the hubbub.

“Sorry?” you whisper. You’re pretty sure you’re not supposed to be speaking, but you’re also pretty sure you’re not supposed to be interacting with the idols in the first place, so who knows what goes.

“Pucker your lips. Like this.” Leo sucks his cheeks in and forms a pout that is, frankly, adorable.

“Ah. Yes.” You keep your smile inside and gently pull your lips into a moue.

Slowly, Leo begins applying foundation into the hollows of your cheeks. You’re almost positive that the shade he chose is too light for contouring against your skin tone… but who cares at this point, you might as well enjoy the sensation of having your make-up done by a K-pop idol.

The make-up artist drifts over and starts commenting. “Use the foundation brush to draw a solid line first, Leo-ssi, then use the blending brush.”

That draws the attention of everyone else. “Look at him,” Heechul says with an amused laugh, pointing over at the two of you. “He complained about her face shape and then just went ahead and started practising anyway.”

“I wasn’t complaining,” Leo says. He meets your eyes for a second and repeats, “I wasn’t complaining, you know.”

He’s reassuring you, in an oblique way, and you resist melting on the spot. “Yes,” you murmur, keeping your face as still as possible.

“Good, like that,” the make-up artist says to him. “And don’t forget the setting powder.”

“Excuse me, Teacher! Don’t give him special treatment just because he got the model,” Eunkwang whines playfully.

“Yeah, come help me.”

“Don’t play favourites, Teacher!”

With a barely-there eyeroll, the make-up artist leaves to attend to the others. That leaves the two of you alone, and gives the cameras room to zoom in and capture all the angles. All you can do is keep still, breathe as silently as possible and avoid all eye contact, lest your expression give you away.

Even once practice is over and you’re off the set, the flutters remain in your stomach. You did not expect this gig to come with so much contact with the idols.

Not that you mind, of course.

The next time you see Hyungwon is the day your first episode of Lipstick Prince comes out. He invites you over to watch it together, which surprises you, and you happily accept.

It’s Jooheon who opens the door and invites you in. “Noona! Long time no see.”

“Hey, Heony. You’re home too?” You follow him into the living room, where you find Hyungwon queuing up your episode on the television.

“Hi, Y/N-ah,” Kihyun greets you from the sofa, where he and Changkyun have gotten a start on Hyungwon’s snacks. “Congrats on your feature.”

“It’s not exactly a feature, but thank you, Kihyun-ah,” you laugh, plopping down beside him. “Changkyunnie, pass the chips?”

Hyungwon turns around then, and you get your first good look at him in what feels like forever. You can feel a smile spreading automatically on your face.

“Aren’t you going to say hi to me?” he asks, approaching with a sparkle in his eye.

“Hm, I’m not sure,” you tease. “Do I know you?”

He folds himself onto the couch beside you, slings an arm around your shoulders and pulls you close enough for your noses to brush. “Take a good look.”

As an answer, you close the distance to give him a peck, then pull back and soften your voice. “How’ve you been?”

“Good. Busy.” Hyungwon’s smiling now, his expression so gentle you want to melt into it. “You too, right?”

“Not as busy as you.” You withdraw a little more, conscious of the other members in the room, and look over. “Has everyone been eating and sleeping enough, Kihyun-ah?”

“They don’t listen to me anymore,” Kihyun says promptly, always ready to snitch on his kids. “Ungrateful little punks.”

“I’m going to tell Shownu-hyung that you called us names,” Changkyun shoots back.

Jooheon squeezes in between you and Changkyun. “Are we gonna watch noona’s episode or not?”

“Are you guys all staying to watch?” Hyungwon asks them.

“Why not?” Changkyun says.

“We’re supporting Y/N-ah,” Kihyun says.

“Though Kihyun-hyung just wants to see if he knows more about make-up than the idols on the show,” adds Changkyun.

Kihyun just shrugs, unashamed. “Hyungwon-ah wouldn’t even know that the episode had aired if I didn’t tell him.”

“That’s not true,” Hyungwon says, and starts the episode to prevent further accusations.

As the long introduction plays out, you wriggle around and get comfy. Hyungwon’s arm is draped along the back of the couch, and it makes a perfect headrest for you. You feed him some chips and he crunches quietly.

When the episode reaches the part where Leo asks for you, Kihyun shoots you a confused look. “Is this new in season three? Letting them practice on the models?”

You shake your head. “I think Leo-ssi just came up with this on his own.”

“Eh, look at that facetime, noona,” Jooheon crows.

The episode has cut to a montage of Leo and the careful work he’s doing to your passive visage. There are some extra flowery captions along the lines of “lost in their own world” and “oblivious to the chaos”. You’re mostly just startled and slightly impressed by your own ability to be expressionless.

“You can’t tell that I’m freaking out inside, right?” you check, pointing at the screen. “That’s a cool, chic expression, right?”

Kihyun considers, then nods. “Yeah, it passes.”

“Perfect.” You sit back, satisfied.

Changkyun reads off the subtitles that the show has added. “‘When we’re together, we don’t need anything else.’ Noona, are you sure this isn’t a feature?”

“Don’t read it aloud!” you say. “This is literally five minutes out of a fifty minute episode, it’s nothing.”

“Ten percent isn’t nothing,” Kihyun says. “Right, Hyungwon-ah?”

You all turn to look at Hyungwon. He’s been silent this whole time, which isn’t unusual for him. What is unusual is how focused he is on the TV. You’d half-expected him to be asleep by now.

“Hyungwon-ah?” You nudge him gently.

He looks from the TV to you. “Hm?”

“You still here with us?” you tease.

He blinks at you, then looks back to the TV. “What is he doing, right now?”

“What? Leo, you mean? He’s contouring.”

“…Why is your face like that?”

“My face? What is it like?”

Hyungwon stares at the screen some more.

“Like you’re going to kiss him,” he says finally.

You draw up in shock. “What? I’m not, that’s just the best way to find the face contour, really. Kihyunnie, tell him.”

“It’s true, Hyungwon-ah.”

“So why were you freaking out inside?” Hyungwon asks.

“Well, it’s a nerve-wracking situation,” you point out.

He doesn’t have an immediate reply. You settle back against the couch and focus on the episode again, keeping one eye on him.

Once your five minutes of glory are past, the rest of the episode is smooth sailing, mostly because everyone grows disinterested except for Kihyun. By the time the episode ends, you’re nodding off while Jooheon and Changkyun play a game of who-can-eat-nachos-the-loudest.

“Ah, great job, Y/N-ah,” Kihyun says generously as he turns off the TV. “You somehow looked okay even after Leo-sunbae put all that powder on.”

“Yeah,” you say with a sleepy laugh, “he kind of went overboard with the brush. At least he didn’t get too much in my mouth.”

Hyungwon’s arm tenses behind you, waking you by several degrees. When you look at him, he’s not dozing as you expected; in fact, he looks very alert.

“It wasn’t too interesting for you, right?” you say to him. “Thanks for watching it with me.”

“Did you know any of those idols before you filmed this episode?” he asks suddenly.

You’re taken aback. “Um? No, not personally. I’d heard of them, obviously, but I think the point is that the make-up model is a no-name stranger.”

He contemplates some more. “I think,” he says, “I wouldn’t have acted like that with a no-name stranger.”

“Acted like what?” Is he accusing you of something?

But he purses his lips and doesn’t answer.

You sit upright and let his arm fall away. Beside you, the other three members are now paying attention. You can feel Jooheon shifting nervously.

“Yah, hyung,” Changkyun speaks up. “You’re making noona feel bad.”

Quickly you twist to reassure him, “I’m fine, Changkyunnie.”

Hyungwon’s arm comes back up around your shoulder, restricting you from turning all the way. You frown and turn back. “What is it, Hyungwon-ah?”

He finally opens his mouth and says, “I didn’t know it would be like that.”

“Like what?”

“Like you’re getting intimate with them.”

You draw back against his arm. “Intimate??”

“Hyungwon-ah, don’t be a prude, the whole focus of this show is the heart attack point,” Kihyun steps in.

“Is it?” Hyungwon says slowly.

“Weren’t you watching, hyung?” Jooheon says.

Hyungwon doesn’t move his gaze from you. “You didn’t tell me,” he says.

“Tell you what?” you say, exasperated.

He motions vaguely at the screen. “All those idols… it’s like a flirting show.”

“Well, yeah. Didn’t you see Shownu-oppa flirting when he was on the show?” you retort.

His mouth purses again as he thinks. Behind you, Jooheon’s jiggling his knee nervously.

You reach back and place a hand on Jooheon’s leg. “Jooheony, it’s okay.”

But as soon as you touch him, Hyungwon leans in and pulls your hand toward him so he can hold it. “Y/N-ah.”

“What?” You frown at him. “What is it, why are you mad?”

“I’m not, I’m not,” he says quickly. “I’m just… confused.”

Well, that makes two of you. You tug your hands away. “Confused about what?”

Hyungwon opens his mouth to answer, then glances behind you. You turn and see Kihyun, Jooheon and Changkyun watching you both with varying degrees of squeamish interest.

Fortunately, they get the signal. “Uh, I have work to do.” Changkyun stands and brushes the chip crumbs off his lap. “Jooheon-hyung, you coming?”

“Oh yeah, of course!” Jooheon hastily agrees, and the two maknaes make their exit.

“Yah, you slobs left crumbs all over the carpet!” Kihyun hollers, following them into the bedroom hallway. “Don’t track food into the bedrooms!”

Just like that, you’re left alone with your boyfriend.

Who still looks like he’s got something on his mind, his gaze roving over your face. You feel antsy, for some reason; you shift backward on the sofa, distancing yourself, and try to figure out what to say.

“So — ”

“Did he say anything?”

You blink. “What?”

“Leo-seonbaenim.” Hyungwon nods to the TV. “When you were shooting, did he say anything?”

“Uh, besides what he said on-camera? No, nothing.”

He shifts forward. “He didn’t try anything?”

“Well, what do you mean by ‘try’?” You scrunch your brow, wondering exactly what he’s getting at.

“Beyond applying the make-up. Did he do… anything inappropriate?”

Your brain works for a moment. Then you burst into laughter. “Anything inappropriate? Leo?”

Hyungwon’s drop-dead-serious face just makes you laugh even more.

“C’mon, he’s like the quietest idol ever,” you manage around your chuckles. “Are you seriously asking if he tried to hit on me?”

Hyungwon surges to his feet and walks to the other side of the room; his ears are turning red. “You said it yourself, it’s a flirting show.”

“I’m the make-up model.” You march over to him and pull on his hot ears. “Nobody’s flirting with me, Hyungwon-ah.”

He turns swiftly and clasps your hands in his again, searching your eyes.

“Believe me,” you reassure him, trying to tame your smile.

“Not even Heechul-seonbaenim?” he says reluctantly.

You suppress another laugh; he probably wouldn’t appreciate it. “No, Hyungwon-ah. Believe me, okay?”

Hyungwon is still looking into your eyes like he might unearth the truth in them, so you rise on your tiptoes and fit your lips against his.

It’s a chaste kiss at first, but there’s an instant sense of rightness that rolls through your body and mind with the feel of him so close to you. It’s always there, every time the two of you are together, and it makes you believe in things you didn’t expect to. You press in, craving more and also wanting him to feel it too, to want you too — then abruptly your back is against the window, hands pinned to the glass, as Hyungwon presses his body to yours and begins kissing you back.

He takes his time, advancing and retreating and exploring different angles in luxurious slow-motion that has you opening for him without resistance. You know he likes it like this, being able to have and take what he wants at his own leisure, knowing that you’re enjoying every moment of it.

When you start getting lightheaded, you dip your head and duck away from him to catch your breath. He’s panting quietly in your ear.

You wet your lips and carefully meet his gaze. “You believe me now?”

He mirrors your action, tongue flicking out like a gleam of siren song. “Mm.”

“I love you,” you say softly.

His eyelashes flutter as he closes his eyes for a moment. He opens them again and whispers, “I love you too.”

Smiling, you coax his hands off the glass so you can stand up straight again. “Thanks for inviting me over to watch my episode together.”

“Anything for you.” Hyungwon leans down to brush a kiss against your forehead.

“I’m glad to hear you say that, actually, because…” You step back and gauge his expression. “I actually have two more Lipstick Prince episodes to film.”

He stiffens.

“You’re going to be cool with that, right?”

His jaw works for a bit; he stays silent.

“You’re not going to go blind with jealousy or anything, right?” You’re starting to grow amused again.

“Well…” He pivots you around and starts walking you back to the sofa. “I won’t make any promises.”

“What does that mean?” Your calves hit the couch and you fall onto the seat cushion.

Hyungwon follows you down, one knee beside your legs. “It means no promises,” he repeats simply, and proceeds to kiss you into oblivion.

Author’s note:

I have an entire other draft where you and Hyungwon are just friends and it was almost 4k words long until I finally acknowledged that it just wasn’t going in the right direction. OTL Anyways, hope you enjoyed!

Also, here’s a bonus GIF of Leo just because.

#hyungwon #chae hyungwon #monsta x #hyungwon fic #monsta x fic #monsta x scenarios #monsta x imagines #hyungwon x reader #kpop fic #kpop imagines #kpop scenarios #eaf original #leo #vixx leo #vixx #eaf: jealousy series #eaf writes monsta x

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natasha-cole · 5 years

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#1 Crush: Part 11

Chapter Summary: Rob can’t seem to make the right choices when it comes to Reader’s birthday. Despite yet another almost failed attempt at making her birthday special, Rob does end up redeeming himself.

Word Count: 6149

Warnings: fluff, angst, arguing, swears, creepy fan, paranoia, anxiety, panic attack

Notes: This has been sitting in my drafts for weeks, so I read through it quickly and here it is. All mistakes are my own and you’ll just have to deal with it.

P.S. a lot of my tags aren’t working, so I apologize.

Series Masterlist

Word of the events on set had spread, and you had people checking in on you a lot. You knew they were just expressing their concerns, worried because of how terrified you were about all of this. You were just embarrassed at this point.

And scared? Yes, you were very afraid. Even after you left set after the whole ‘flowers from Rob thing’ the fear didn’t leave you. As your bodyguard saw you to your door and said goodnight, you realized then that you were terribly alone and very vulnerable.

Unlike most nights after you got back to your apartment, you didn’t call Rob that night. Hearing his voice would have been comforting usually, but you honestly couldn’t decide if you were mad at him or not.

After the initial shock of what had happened wore off, you wondered why he had even thought to send you flowers in the first place. Normally, it would have been a thoughtful gesture, and you often joked with him about how he had never sent you flowers; now, you just assumed that a gesture like that wasn't even a thought in his mind after everything.

You didn’t want to worry him, and you had seen the missed calls when you actually took your phone out of your bag once you walked through the door. Still, you didn’t know if you could hold it together if you had him on the phone. So, you settled for a text message. It would be quick and would give no indication about how you were really feeling.

Y/N: Late night on set. I’m wiped. I miss you.

You didn’t even have time to take off your jacket when he responded.

Rob: Y/N, I’m so sorry. I wasn’t thinking. Please call me.

You frowned, knowing that Rich probably said something to him. You certainly hadn’t. You didn’t even so much as send him a ‘thank you’ message after the whole debacle.

Y/N: It’s fine. Just a misunderstanding. I’m fine.

Rob: You really won’t call me?

Y/N: I’m just really tired. Heading to bed now. TTYL.

You had been uncharacteristically short with him, and you didn’t like that you wanted to keep tonight’s communication so impersonal. But, you were actually exhausted. Everything had drained you today, and the last thing you wanted was to hear his voice knowing that he was probably really upset about his actions. You hated that he blamed himself for a lot of this, and you just couldn’t handle him feeling guilty over his lack of thinking when he sent you the flowers.

Rob: Are we okay?

Y/N: Of course. I really miss you. I can’t wait to see you in a couple of days. Also, the gesture was nice. I’m sorry I overreacted.

You added a heart emoji at the end for good measure and tossed your phone onto the nightstand before getting ready for bed.

The last message you received from Rob was him saying that he was sorry again and that he missed you too. You left him on read, not wanting to keep the conversation going tonight. All you wanted was to sleep and forget about today.

Sleep was far and few in between though. You tossed and turned, replaying everything in your mind. You were still embarrassed over the way you reacted, or rather, overreacted. You were upset that Rich had probably called his friend and told him all about what a nutcase you were. You were still feeling suffocated just knowing that tomorrow would be yet another day where you couldn’t go anywhere or even breathe alone. Mostly, you were thinking.

You thought about what you could have done to have gotten yourself into this situation. Was Rob right? Was all of this being done by someone you might know? The scarier thought was that you were certain it wasn’t. You felt that this was a stranger, a stranger who knew a lot about you and spent his time writing to you and judging you. You thought about the horrible things in those letters, the names you were being called on social media, the frantically typed tweets that not only attacked you, but Rob as well. You thought about the flowers; the ungodly amount of flowers that you had received and how even the thought of flowers now made your skin crawl. You thought a lot about how insensitive Rob had been even though he hadn’t meant to be.

You let out a frustrated sigh, burying your face in your pillow as you finally gave up on the notion of sleep. It wasn’t going to happen tonight. Not now since you were thinking about how terrified you had been when you considered the possibility that this weirdo could have been in your trailer.

At no point through any of this had you ever worried about the possibility of someone showing up at your home, but that brief moment of wondering as you stood in your trailer made you realize otherwise. After all, someone had found your hotel room before and left you a note, who’s to say they couldn’t find you back in L.A. or even here in Vancouver?

Still, there had been no indication that whoever it was knew where you were staying outside of the conventions. Even as you laid in bed tonight in your little apartment in Canada, restless and nervous, you knew you were only working yourself up over nothing. That didn’t stop you from being afraid though.

You drifted off to sleep finally at some point late that night. Or early the next morning… you couldn’t be sure. All you knew was that you were suddenly being pulled from your restless sleep to the sound of your phone ringing. You blindly reached for your phone, answering it before taking time to do much else.

“Hello,” you grumbled when you picked up.

You assumed it was Rob calling, probably still upset that you hadn’t called him right after work. However, you were greeted by silence.

“Hello? Rob, is that you?” You said again, still waiting for some sort of reply.

When you you didn’t get one, you pulled your phone away from your ear to look at the screen. You had unexpectedly answered a call from an unknown number; something that you never did, and this was the type of call you rarely got since you never gave out your number.

Whoever had called was still on the line as you then focused on the time. It was nearly 3 am. No way anyone you knew would call you at this time, especially not Rob.

“Who is this?” You asked, trying to get something out of whoever was on the line as you returned to the call.

At this point, you didn’t know if anyone was even there. Still, you felt a shiver run down your back at the strangeness of the phone call. Rather than upset yourself by trying to encourage something from the caller, you ended the call; turning your phone on silent before tossing it aside again. You grumpily curled up under your blankets before closing your eyes again, hoping that sleep would find you for just a little while longer.

The next day, you had to force yourself from bed. You weren’t sure how much sleep you had actually gotten, but you knew it wasn’t enough. You were already running late, so you quickly showered and got dressed; only grabbing your things just before you left your apartment to head to set.

Once you had arrived, you trudged to hair and makeup where the crew was quick to point out how terrible you looked. You didn’t even argue or feel bad about it. You knew you had to look as bad as you felt right now.

As someone got to work on your hair, you took the time to check your phone. The first thing you noticed were the missed calls. You looked through your call history, assuming that Rob had called and you just hadn’t heard your phone since it was still on silent. Instead, you saw that you had a few missed calls from an unknown number. All of them had happened ridiculously early in the morning while you had been asleep. In that moment, you got a little nervous. You recalled answering one of those calls that had pulled you from your sleep, only to be greeted by nothing on the other end of the call.

Now, you were seeing that they had called multiple times within minutes of each other. You immediately decided that you couldn’t overreact to this. They had been random calls, probably accidental or something. Getting phone calls from unknown callers wasn’t something to get freaked out about. This stuff happened to people all the time.

You deleted your call history and turned to a text message that you had received instead.

You had to smile when you saw Rob’s name, followed by a very sweet good morning text.

Instead of texting back, you decided that you were ready to call him. Yes, you had been upset with him, but you still adored him and really needed to hear his voice right now.

When you found his number and pressed call, you waited for him to answer.

“Y/N!” Rob’s voice said excitedly when he picked up. “I thought you’d never call me. I thought I was in trouble.”

“You’re not in trouble,” you chuckled. “I just had a rough day and I really was tired last night.”

“I’m so sorry,” he replied. “I don’t know what I was thinking sending you those. As soon as Rich called me and told me about that… I knew I fucked up.”

“It’s okay. I just- maybe I am a little freaked out over everything that’s been happening. I should’ve just read the card first.”

“No, I shouldn’t have done that. Especially with everything that’s been going on.”

“I’m fine,” you said. “Really. I just needed to process everything. I’m not mad at you. The flowers really are beautiful.”

“I should be able to send my girlfriend flowers without scaring her,” Rob said softly.

You could hear him shuffling about in the background of the call and you decided to ignore the conversation at hand.

“What are you doing?” You asked.

“I am on my way out,” he replied. “Heading to the studio.”

“How’s it going?” You asked, referring to the fact that the guys were recording.

“It’s good. We’re getting a lot done, probably because I don’t have you around to distract me.”

“Ouch.”

“Really though,” he laughed. “I miss you. But, I’ve been working all day, every day while you’ve been gone. Trying to keep myself busy I guess.”

“I miss you too,” you smiled. “Just one more day and we see each other again.”

“Just one more day and someone has a birthday,” he reminded you.

“Maybe we can avoid bringing up the fact that I’m getting older.”

“Hey, you kept reminding me about my birthday, it’s your turn.”

“I’m just glad my birthday is on the day before the actual convention starts,” you began. “I just want to spend it with you.”

“Sounds good to me,” he said. “What are you thinking? Dinner? Date Night? Maybe we could all get together for a night out… or maybe just a night in bed with room service?”

“Honestly, I’d really love just a night in with you right now.”

“I can handle that.”

“So please; no party, no night out… just you and me.”

“Alright,” he replied. “So then I should probably cancel the real plans I made?”

“Really?” You asked. “Did you really make plans?”

“I’m kidding,” he chuckled.

Just as Rob finished his thought, you were being instructed to head to wardrobe.

“Look, I gotta go,” you said. “I’ll see you soon.”

“Alright, Y/N. See you soon.”

Chicago Convention

Day one of the convention would be your birthday, but you honestly didn’t feel like celebrating.

You had arrived in Chicago alone. Rob and some of the others were already there by now, but they were always put to work rather early, so you were left to your own devices as you journeyed from the airport to the hotel.

You checked in at the front desk, wishing that Rob was with you, but also grateful that he had arranged to have the two of you just share a room this weekend. It made sense really. It’s not like you ever stayed in your own room lately now that you were together, and it wasn’t like you were going to have privacy anyway with a protective boyfriend.

Rob had called you when you let him know that you had landed. He had already checked into the room and said that he had left a key at the front desk for you. He wanted to make sure that you were good to go, and insisted that you just head up to the room. You were slightly bummed that he was so busy, but he did promise you a night in of cuddling and room service once he was done.

Honestly, that was all you had been really looking forward to all week. Just spending time alone with him.

Since you had literally just arrived in Chicago and the convention wouldn’t start until tomorrow, there hadn’t been any type of security guard or anything waiting for you when you got in. While you could complain all day about how annoying it was to have someone follow you around, you sort of wished it had been arranged for you now.

You made your way to the right floor and down the long, empty hallway until you found the room.

You paused at the door, feeling a sudden sense of anxiety come over you. If anything, you should have felt safer now that you had arrived at what would be a safe place. Maybe it was the impending darkness of night and the fact that you were here alone until Rob was able to meet you; or maybe it was the memory of how scared you had felt over the incident previously; but you couldn’t shake the nervousness as it built up.

‘It’s just a hotel room,’ you told yourself. ‘No one is here. You’re alone, but there’s nothing to be afraid of. Rob will be here soon.’

You slowly put the keycard in the slot and turned the handle, opening the door to be greeted at first by darkness.

You reached against the wall, fumbling to find the light switch. You knew to expect nothing; just an empty hotel room probably containing Rob’s luggage. That was what you kept telling yourself as you tried to find the switch.

‘I’m alone, and that’s okay,’ you thought to yourself.

When you finally found the switch, you flipped it on and peered into the room.

“Surprise!”

You heard numerous voices shout at you. Just the fact that you obviously weren’t alone startled you; but it was the sudden appearance of people, stepping out from around corners, popping up from behind furniture; that made your heart race.

Your felt your face heat up, skin tingling as you realized that your breathing had picked up. You froze completely, fear taking over as you tried to process what was happening. Your fight-or-flight response activated and you considered turning around to run, but you began to take in the surroundings before you made that split-decision. Slowly, you began to recognize faces.

There was Rob, standing directly in front of you, giving you that big smile that you adored so much. That was the first thing you saw, and it was the only thing that held you in place as you felt panic rise up in your body. You glanced around quickly, noticing all your friends… all familiar faces. You took in the room next.

This was a surprise party. You could tell by the birthday decorations, the array of food set out, the rather large birthday cake on the table. It all made sense now.

Still, no matter how hard you tried to calm yourself now that you understood that you were okay, the panic continued to build.

“Y/N,” Rob began. The concern in his voice forced you to look at him. Then you saw the concern in his eyes as he moved toward you. “Are you okay?”

He reached out, grasping onto your arms as he looked at you, urging you to let him know that you were perfectly fine.

You opened your mouth, trying to form words… any words to let him know it was okay.

Instead, you felt yourself break. You began to sob, feeling your heart race as you were no longer able to hold back.

“Shit,” he muttered as he immediately attempted to hold you.

In an instant, you pushed past him, aware of the fact that you were losing it in front of everyone. All you wanted to do was remove yourself from view. He let you move, watching you as you shakily rushed past everyone.

Once you made it to the bathroom, you closed the door behind you and continued to sob. You tried to steady your breathing, tried to ignore the dizziness you were feeling; but you couldn’t stop crying no matter how much you wanted to.

You could hear the faint sound of knocking on the door and Rob’s voice asking you to let him in. He sounded so worried, and you didn’t want to worry him, so you fumbled for the doorknob until you finally unlocked it for him.

He rushed right in, closing the door behind him before attending to you. You had already returned to your spot on the floor, knowing that you couldn’t stand anymore. You were still crying and now just frustrated with yourself that you couldn’t stop.

Rob immediately joined you, kneeling down in front of you and pulling you in to his body. That in itself was sort of calming. Just having him here holding you was comforting.

“Shh,” he cooed as he pulled back to look at you. “You’re gonna be okay.”

You continued to cry, slowing down just a bit as he grabbed your hands and pulled them up to his face. He held you there, encouraging you to touch him and look him in the eyes.

“You’re okay. I’m right here. Breathe for me.”

You tried to focus on touching him, feeling the rough hairs of his beard beneath your fingertips. You locked eyes with him, listening to his calming voice as you began to breathe your way through the panic attack.

He continued to talk to you soothingly, although you couldn’t quite comprehend most of what he said. Regardless, it helped. After a few minutes, you felt your heart rate slow down, you stopped crying, and the dizziness began to subside.

“Look at that,” he smiled as you continued to hold his face in your hands. “You’re good baby. I’m right here.”

Once you were finally past it, you let out a stuttered sigh. You wrapped your arms around him and pulled him in so that you could rest your head against him. He held you tight, understanding that you just needed him right now.

When you had calmed down just enough to let everything process finally, you began to pull yourself together, knowing that you still had to go out and face everyone who had showed up for your apparent surprise party. You didn’t know if you could, but you knew you had to try. Maybe no one had realized what had happened to you. Maybe they all just thought you had been so surprised that you had to run off to cry happy tears alone. That was far-fetched and you knew deep down that literally all of your friends had just witnessed you having a panic attack over this. Still, you had to face it. You had to face them as bravely as you could. After all, you were still playing off this entire situation as if it weren’t that serious and you really didn’t want to give them a reason to believe it was that serious.

“I’m so sorry,” Rob mumbled as he helped you up from the floor. “I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s not your fault,” you said with a forced laugh as you wiped tears from your face. ”A surprise party isn’t supposed to give me a panic attack.”

“I should have known. I'm fucking everything up. Are you okay?”

“I’m okay now. I was already making myself anxious when I showed up here knowing I’d be alone.”

“Fuck, I shouldn’t have done this.”

“Rob,” you said softly as you cupped his face in your hands again. “I’m okay. I’m sorry I did that. I don’t know why I did that.”

“Don’t apologize. It’s not your fault. It’s my fault for convincing everyone to jump out at you when you thought you were supposed to be alone. I’m the worst boyfriend.”

“You absolutely are not,” you said firmly. “You’re the best. Do you know how many people in my life have ever cared enough to organize a surprise party for me? One.”

“I thought it would be a fun gesture,” he said. “I just didn’t think it through. Just like I didn’t think the whole flower thing through.”

“Still, I love that you even think of doing these things for me. It’s not your fault that you’ve got a girlfriend who happens to have a creep bugging her.”

“I’ll be better,” he promised. “I’ll actually stop to think about what I’m doing. I never meant to scare you, in any way.”

“I know.”

He let out a sigh, seemingly relaxed now that he could see that you weren’t angry with him. Any bit of anger that you might have had about the whole flower thing had quickly washed away by this point. In fact, you weren’t even mad about this whole thing. Instead, you felt really grateful that you had someone who cared about you enough to even think of doing these types of things for you. Rob was sweet and thoughtful, but perhaps he just wasn’t completely understanding of how he should handle your unique situation.

You realized just now, as he looked guilty and worried, how much you really did love him. Sure, he had organized the entire surprise that had ultimately sent you into a panic attack, but at least he was here to get you through it. After all, the fear and anxiety you were feeling lately, wasn’t his fault. You couldn’t expect him to know how to handle things when even you weren’t sure how to handle anything either.

You moved to press your body against his, craving the comfort that you felt just by being close to him. He embraced you, holding you tight as you relaxed against him. All you needed was a moment like this with him. When you thought that you were okay enough to finally leave the bathroom and possibly partake in your party, you pulled away from him and offered him a smile before kissing him softly on the lips.

“You want me to make everyone leave?” He asked as you focused on splashing water on your face.

“What?” You asked. “No! No way. You planned this party for me and I intend to partake.”

“Really?” He smiled. “You sure you’re up for it?”

“I just had a panic attack in front of everyone,” you explained as you dried your face off. “I freaked out this week over flowers that were sent by my boyfriend. It’s been rough. I need a lot of drinks, time with my friends, and you.”

You reached over and grasped onto his hand, giving it a squeeze just to let him know that it was fine.

Everyone seemed to know better than to bring up your display of anxiety when you finally decided to face them. Once you had cooled down and made yourself look a bit more presentable, you emerged from the bathroom with Rob, smile plastered on your face as you greeted your friends properly.

No one said anything and no one made a big deal out of it. They smiled in return, probably relieved to see you not in the middle of a panic attack, as you took time to thank and hug each of them.

As the party went on, you found yourself relaxing a bit. Although this hadn’t been what you had expected or really wanted for your birthday, the gesture was nice. You also realized that you were having a good time actually hanging out with friends again. Everyone was having fun, and it helped that no one brought up your panic attack or even discussed the things that had been going on.

It was as if everyone knew that you just wanted to ignore it for a while, and they were all set on making sure that you just had a good time tonight. Drinks were flowing, everyone was laughing, and your world felt safe and comfortable for a moment.

That is, until you excused yourself from a conversation with the girls so that you could use the restroom. After you had washed up and made the movement to leave the bathroom, you could hear Rob and Rich talking just outside the door.

You paused when you heard your name mentioned, Rich just asking Rob if you were really okay. You knew you shouldn’t listen in on their conversation, but it was about you, so you figured it was okay.

“That was interesting,” you heard Rich say.

“I’m such an idiot,” Rob berated himself. “All she does is worry about where she is and who else could be there. She’s always so anxious, even if she denies that she is, and I should have known better than to throw a fucking surprise party.”

“You were just trying to do something nice.”

“I told her to meet me at my room,” he argued. “She was under the impression that she’d be alone until I got here later. Can you imagine? Showing up somewhere, knowing that you have some freak following you, and just having people jump out at you when you’re supposed to be alone?”

“None of us thought about it either, Rob.”

“I just- feel so bad. She’s scared, I know she is. We all kept pretending it was nothing to worry about… just another enthusiastic fan. But, she’s got someone sending her fucked up messages, sending her gifts… god, I can't believe I sent her flowers… you should have seen the stuff her manager showed her.”

“How long has this been going on exactly?”

“Months. They’ve been holding onto letters he’s sent her. They started out as just any other fan letter, and they’ve gotten scary. Enough to where they finally showed her.”

“Shit,” Rich muttered. “Is that all it’s been though? Letters, social media comments?”

“As far as we know. Then there’s the weird way that he sends her flowers. Yet another thing that I messed up.”

“Ah, I’m aware of how well she receives flowers.”

“I can’t even send my girlfriend flowers because it freaks her out.”

“All I can say is… as long as this guy is keeping his distance, there’s nothing to worry about I think. Letters and flower deliveries are one thing… I mean, the social media stuff was concerning, but at least it’s only online and easy to avoid.”

“You didn’t see those letters,” Rob reminded him.

That was your cue to leave the bathroom. You opened the door quickly, acting surprised to see the two men standing there when you did.

They looked at each other and you just smiled at them.

“Rob,” you began, attempting to cut in before he could say much more. It was bad enough that everyone had witnessed your freak out and they were aware somewhat of the things going on, you really didn’t need them to know about the threats you had been receiving. “Can I see you for a moment?”

“Yeah, sure,” he said anxiously before excusing himself from Rich.

You grabbed him by the arm and pulled him toward a less crowded part of the room so that you could talk to him privately.

“Is everything okay?” He asked. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine,” you replied. “I just- I wanted to ask you to maybe not tell everyone details on what’s going on.”

“Oh. You heard me talking to Rich…”

“I did.”

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have been talking about you and all of this like that. It’s not my place.”

“It’s fine. I’m not mad.”

“He was just worried, and I feel like no one knows how serious this has all gotten.”

“You’re right,” you replied. “No one really knows everything, especially about those letters. But, I’d kinda like to keep it that way.”

“Really? You don’t think it might be good for your friends to know how serious it all really is?”

“I mean, they know,” you argued. “They’ve seen the stuff online and most have seen how often I get unwanted gifts. They don’t need to know about the really… concerning stuff.”

“I kinda feel like, since you’re always around them, and this stuff happens at conventions, that maybe they should know how serious it really is.”

“No. I just- I don’t want anyone to treat me differently. I don’t want sympathy or for anyone to worry. I just want to come to work and have fun and be with the people I care about.”

“They worry, Y/N,” he sighed. “We all do.”

“I know. But, it’s been a while since anything has even happened. The thing on set was just me assuming the worst. I think it’s sort of calmed down.”

“I just want you to continue to take this seriously,” he argued. “Just because it’s been a week or so with nothing happening, doesn’t mean you’re in the clear.”

“Okay, and I get that. But, will you please just not mention those letters to anyone else? I don’t even want to think about them.”

“Okay,” he breathed out. “You’re right. It’s not okay for me to talk about that. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay,” you smiled. “I just feel kind of suffocated right now, and I just want to have some privacy I guess.”

“Alright,” he replied as he leaned in to kiss you. “What do you say we just enjoy the party? Maybe not bring up any of this again, at least tonight?”

“You have no idea how amazing that sounds right now.”

By the end of the night, you and Rob had to kick out the remaining partiers. It was late, everyone had had too much fun, and you all had an early morning. Luckily, the room was in okay shape; and you were eagerly changing into pajamas and so ready to just be with Rob.

You watched him as he changed, noting that he looked so serious as he got ready for bed; so you decided to lighten the mood.

“You didn’t get me a gift,” you pointed out playfully as you snuck up behind him and wrapped your arms around him. You pressed a kiss to the bare skin of his back since you had caught him just before he slipped a shirt on.

“Of course I did,” he grinned as he turned to look at you.

“I must’ve missed it.”

“No, I just wanted to wait until we were alone to give it to you.”

He began to dig through his bag for something now and you stepped away so that he could find what he was looking for.

“Sex does not count as a gift,” you said, rolling your eyes.

“Well, I mean, I’m not opposed to that being a follow-up gift,” he said slyly, “But I did actually get you a real gift.”

He handed you a small box that was wrapped in pretty wrapping paper. You smiled at him before beginning to tear off the paper, wasting no time to see what he had gotten for you.

Once the paper was off, you noticed that this was definitely a jewelry box and you looked at him, sort of confused.

“Jewelry?” You asked, surprise in your voice as you held the small box in your hand.

Rob shrugged, still grinning.

“You’re gonna have to open it.”

You did as he suggested and opened the box.There, in that little box was a simple necklace with a heart shaped pendant on it. You removed it from the box and turned it over in your hand, then seeing that it was engraved. You smiled up at him this time, feeling a warmth grow in your chest to see your initial engraved next to his.

“Rob…” you said breathlessly. “This is beautiful.”

“There’s something on the back of it as well,” he pointed out.

You turned the pendant to the other side and had to laugh out loud when you read the inscription.

“Is it cool if I come over?” You read out loud.

Rob shrugged again, letting out a laugh as you smiled at him.

“What does this even mean?” You asked.

“You know I wrote that song about you, right?”

You had to pause for a moment. You stared at him, face turning up in even more confusion that previously. You actually never did know that. The band had released the album with that song on it not long after you actually joined the convention circuit. You figured you had only known Rob for roughly a month when it came out.

“Really?” You asked.

“Yeah,” he replied. “I wrote it not too long after we met. It was the last song we did for the album.”

“I don’t know if I should feel flattered or sad right now,” you mumbled as you looked down at the necklace.

“Oh,” Rob replied. “Please don’t feel sad. If you don’t like it-”

“I love it,” you cut in. “I just- it’s kinda sad to think about all the time we wasted by not telling each other that we liked each other.”

“Well, you know. Life,” he said. “You had a boyfriend and I had a crush, so I wrote a song. I just figured you should know that I wrote that thinking about you.”

“Okay. I’ve decided to be flattered,” you laughed. “Really, this is… so sweet.”

“It’s not too much, is it? I kinda felt like it might be. Because we just started seeing each other.”

“It’s not too much, Rob. This is the sweetest thing anyone’s ever given me.”

“So, it’s not too soon for jewelry?”

“I don’t know, is it?” You asked.

You wondered if you should think it was too soon for all of this, or if he felt like he had made a mistake by getting you such an expensive and meaningful gift. However, you loved it. You loved him and this gift just made you feel loved as well.

“Look,” he said softly as he moved closer to you, “all I know is that I’m in love with you. This felt right.”

You felt the twisting in your stomach as he said those words; not because you didn’t want to hear them, but because you were so excited to hear him finally say it. You had been holding back on using the “L” word for some time now, wondering if it would be too soon to say it to him. Now, you had confirmation that both of you felt the same way. It might be early on in your relationship, but you were both already there. You loved him and he loved you and it didn’t matter if this relationship was new; you were certain you had always loved each other.

“I love you too,” you replied.

You reached out to take his face in your hands, leading him toward you for a kiss. He kissed you gently at first, taking care to let you lead.

The gift was nice, you really did love it. But, more than anything, you were so happy to be at this point with him. You were content with just hearing him say those words to you.

After the kiss ended, and you pulled away, Rob made sure to help you put the necklace on. You touched it with your fingertips, still feeling so happy.

“Thank you,” you said again. “This means so much to me.”

“I’m glad you like it,” he replied.

“I’m never going to take it off.”

You turned to face him again, this time wrapping your arms around his shoulders as you looked into his eyes.

“I won’t argue with that,” he grinned. “But, maybe we could take off everything else, because I haven’t seen you in over a week and I really fucking missed you.”

“Well,” you said flirtatiously, “you did promise me that follow-up gift.”

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juniper-and-lamplight · 6 years

Text

Podfic Favorites

7/8/2018

I promised a rebloggable podfic rec list, and here it is! I've recced most of these before, so this is more of round-up than a brand-new rec list; it's multifandom, as usual; it's organized alphabetically by podficcer's name; and it's restricted to no more than 5 pods per podficcer. All of these and more can be found in the podfic tag of my bookmarks. Recs under the cut!

A Symphony of Chemical Reactions - what_alchemy, read by @cellardoortumbles | Cellar_Door - 2k, 22min, T, John/Sherlock "Cooking’s just chemistry and time management." Vivid, quirky Sherlock POV in the text + excellent use of music and sound in the pod = an extra-charming podfic. Use headphones to get the full audio experience!

More Things Than Are Dreamt Of series - 1electricpirate, read by @consultingsmartarse | consulting_smartass - 38k, 1hr, M to E, John/Sherlock (Harry Potter fusion AU) “In which John is (reluctantly) a wizard, Mycroft is (apparently) omniscient, and Sherlock is (surprisingly) oblivious.” Hands-down my favorite Potterlock fic, and consulting_smartass' podfics are nuanced and immersive -- I've listened to them countless times now.

Sussex - SilentAuror, read by consulting_smartass - 26k, 3hrs, E, John/Sherlock “John can’t seem to stop touching Sherlock. He can push the anger away, but sometimes he just needs to take Sherlock’s pulse again. Slight angst, case-fic, post-Reichenbach.” Ah, nothing like realistic emotional constipation on the parts of our heroes. This was one of the first podfics I loved enough to download so that I'd always have access to it.

The Stars Move Still - BeautifulFiction, read by consulting_smartass and aranel_parmadil - 96k, 9hrs 48min, E, John/Sherlock, AU "What could I want so desperately that would make me sell my soul? What could possibly compel me to surrender the part of myself that makes me who I am: the source of my magic, my self-control, everything?" I avoided this fic for YEARS because I hate Faust, so I was extremely pleased to discover that the inspiration is VERY loose and thus, the fic, and the pod version, is lovely and incredibly immersive.

Carry On - Mazarin221b, read by consulting_smartass - 4k, 35min, M, John/Sherlock "Five times John didn't want to be carried, and one time he did." One of my favorite 5+1 fics, and a perfectly paced short pod.

Left - lifeonmars, read by consulting_smartass - 45k, 5hrs, E, John/Sherlock, magical realism AU "John Watson is left-handed. He’s tried not to let it affect his life, but as any Lefty knows, that’s almost impossible." Honestly, consulting_smartass' talent has broadened my fanfic horizons, because while I'm generally not keen on reading AUs (especially long ones), I'm amenable to listening to them -- and so I don't miss out on fantastic fics & performances like this one.

The Girlfriend Experience, rageprufrock, read by dodificus - 9k, 2hrs, E, Dean/Castiel “While it’s not like Dean hasn’t had a couple of truly regrettable hit-and-runs in his sexual history, this is probably the saddest fucking thing that has ever happened to him.” Sometimes, when a podficcer's accent is different than the accents in the source material, it just works in ways you wouldn't have expected-- this pod is one of those times.

The Company - Rulerofthefakeempire, read by @dr-fumbles-mcstupid | Dr_Fumbles_McStupid and RsCreighton - 2k, 11min, T, Dirk/Todd "He’s imagined this moment so often that it feels like he just doing it again, waking up with a hangover next to Dirk Gently. And Dirk’s naked." A quietly funny fic, and a quietly funny performance.

Interrogation - goingtoalaska, read by Dr_Fumbles_McStupid - 2k, 13 min, G, Dirk/Todd "Of course Dirk has some extremely important questions that can only be asked in the middle of the goddamn night, obviously." Almost entirely dialogue, and really captures the ridiculous-with-an-undercurrent-of-softness vibe of these two characters.

There's Only One Sure Thing That I Know - leah k (blinkiesays), read by exmanhater - 20k, 2hrs, E, Dean/Castiel "Dean doesn't even get halfway through explaining before Bobby starts laughing. When he lets himself think about it for more than five seconds, Dean can almost see Bobby's point: he's faced down demons, witches, vampires, werewolves, ghosts, angels, and Satan himself and now he's been defeated by the God damn Midwest." This podfic is a road-trip standby for me and my Destiel-shipping wife.

A Statue Strong Enough for Two - lady_ragnell, read by exmanhater - 39k, 3hrs 30min, E, Elena/Mithian, superhero AU "Elena is a street-level superhero. A visit from an old enemy forces her to step up and see what she might have to do with the Sidhe who invaded and were sent away twenty years ago. Luckily, she has fellow superheroes to back her up, and a new girlfriend in her regular life to make things feel more normal." In addition to encouraging me to try out AUs, podfic also encourages me to try out rarepairs--I wouldn't have thought to look for fic about these characters, but I'm so glad I stumbled across & listened to this one.

Lab Book - copperbadge, read by FayJay - 5k, 40min, E, John/Sherlock “'The likelihood of finding a cab on Christmas Eve is fast approaching nil.’ 'So was the likelihood of you kissing me in the middle of the pavement, and yet.’” An annual holiday read/listen!

Whatever Remains, However Improbable - ivyblossom and Loudest_Subtext_in_Television, read by @fffinnagain | finnagain - 13k, 90min, T, John/Sherlock “The evidence is all there: we know it’s bound to happen. Sherlock Holmes and John Watson are going end up together, aren’t they? Obviously!” An experiment in fourth-person omnitemporal tense. Subtle sound effects add dimension to this podfic.

Diversionary Tactics - shinysherlock, read by finnagain - 2k, 16min, E, Molly/Irene, historical AU "Oh. This could be interesting. Irene’s fingers moved to the third button of the dress and paused. 'Shall I just . . . check the rest of you, then? Make sure you’re quite all right?'" A brief, hot, historical PWP, Mollrene style. UNF. Finnagain's performance is very...impassioned--maybe don't listen in public ;)

Seeing Draco Malfoy - khalulu, read by fire_juggler - 12k, 2hrs, E, Harry/Draco A beautifully done podfic, delivered with warmth and humor. Once I listened to it twice in one week and wound up with the phrase “Nubbumping Humdinger” stuck in my head, and it made me bust out smiling at random times :-)

Let Nothing You Dismay - montparnasse, read by Hananobira - 19k, 2hrs, M, Sirius/Remus "There are a few things Sirius really didn't count on for Christmas of 1979. The extreme sexual confusion is one of them; Remus Lupin is approximately seventy-eight of the rest." There’s a full-on, sensory vividness to the imagery and descriptions in montparnasse's writing, and LISTENING to those words makes the experience even more immersive.

Splendid Night - Katie Forsythe, read by heuristicdevice - 14k, 1hr 30min, M, Holmes/Watson "A Christmasy spin on MILV with a heart-warming dose of H/W." So much miscommunication! I love this fic so hard, and I ESPECIALLY love the podfic. Heuristic Device’s rendering of “now, please,” in a Certain Scene is both quiet and full of feeling, while other sections of the story are infused with audible humor, excitement, and heartbreak, each as they’re called for.

Stately Homes of Wiltshire - waspabi, read by @lazulus - 57k, 6hrs, E, Harry/Draco "Malfoy Manor has mould, dry rot and an infestation of unusually historical poltergeists. Harry Potter is on the case." Fair warning that listening to this podfic whilst walking my dog led to funny looks from strangers, because it caused me to laugh at loud for no apparent reason.

A Brand of Gold - aquabelacqua, read by @lockedinjohnlock-podfics | Lockedinjohnlock – 12k, 2hrs, M, John/Sherlock “What am I doing? he wondered. The answer came back at once: Flirting.” This fic is just plain beautiful, and the pod is one of my favorite performances by Lockedinjohnlock.

Points - lifeonmars, read by Lockedinjohnlock - 54k, 7 hrs, E, John/Sherlock "What if His Last Vow never happened? This fic picks up a few months after John and Mary's wedding, in an alternate universe where Magnussen doesn't exist, but Mary is still pregnant. Life continues -- just in a different direction. And slowly, Sherlock and John find their way to each other." Picture it: yours truly, driving alone and terrified through darkness, rain, and heavy traffic…and yet unwilling to turn off this podfic. THAT’S how deep lifeonmars and Lockedinjohnlock took me into this story.

Midnight Plowboy - weeesi, read by Lockedinjohnlock - 5k, 44min, E, John/Sherlock “'Does it feel like I’m sure?' John whispers into Sherlock's ear. Sherlock swallows again." In which John discovers Sherlock's collection of vintage gay erotica. *imagine several fire emojis here*

Half a Dozen Dances - CeruleanDarkangelis, read by Lockedinjohnlock - 19k, 2.4 hrs, E, John/Sherlock "'Seriously? You? You're going to be a stripper?' John tried to keep the amused incredulity off his face. Judging by the disgruntled look Sherlock gave him, he was not entirely successful in this endeavor.'" Typically, stripper fics are just Not My Thing, but the use of music in this podfic sold me.

(Never) Turn Your Back to the Sea - DiscordantWords, read by Lockedinjohnlock - 40k, 5hrs, M, John/Sherlock "Baker Street is very much the same. Only different. And Sherlock is just trying not to drown." The way the author & podficcer capture Sherlock's voice in this fic feels SO TRUE: his shattered hubris, his desperate resistance to vulnerability, and the believable way he and John finally get through it all.

Senza Catene - Mad_Lori, read by @oncomingtragedy - 6k, 1hr, T, John/Sherlock "Sherlock has a secret hobby. One night John follows him to find out what his flat mate is up to and gets the surprise of his life." The one where Sherlock sings opera--cracky but oh-so-enjoyable. The podfic performance includes several musical interludes.

All Life is Yours to Miss - Saras_Girl, read by originally reads - 114k, 11 hrs 20 min, M, Harry/Draco "Professor Malfoy's world is contained, controlled, and as solitary as he can make it, but when an act of petty revenge goes horribly awry, he and his trusty six-legged friend are thrown into Hogwarts life at the deep end and must learn to live, love and let go." Another one I might have missed (due to personal impatience) if not for the miracle of podfic! The pod is well-performed, and the slower listening process makes the resolution feel even more satisfying.

The Price We Pay for Wings - Frayach, read by @raitala - 13k, 80min, M, Harry/Draco "Scorpius Draconis Eltanin Malfoy read the first book in the Alford Ocamy series over Christmas hols when he was eleven. Well, he didn’t so much “read” it as he devoured it." I've recced this a million times before, and I'll keep reccing it because I CRIED ACTUAL LITERAL TEARS LISTENING TO THIS. 10/10 would be devastated by again.

i don't wanna give you up (i don't wanna let you love somebody else but me) - notcaycepollard, read by @revolutionaryjo - 3k, 20min, E, Erin/Jillian "Erin Gilbert is not the second or even the fifth straight girl Jillian’s ever fallen for, and it’s kind of getting to be a problem, except when she sees Dr Erin Gilbert, she thinks, maybe, this woman might be a statistical outlier." Closely observed, funny, hot, and the narrative voice is p e r f e c t (both in the text and in the podfic performance).

The Temporal Tornado - novembersmith, read by RevolutionaryJo and Lunate8 - 3k, 37min, G, Carlos/Cecil "A temporal tornado reduced our most beloved scientist, Carlos, into a darling little toddler version of his already darling self, didn’t it? Yes it did, oh yes it did! Plus, a jellyfish migration is underway, a mysterious series of unexplained crevasses are appearing in the streets of Night Vale, and valuable advice is provided on the care and feeding of children." Audio is the only logical format for a Night Vale fic like this one :)

Common Woodbrown - imochan, read by RevolutionaryJo - 36k, 3hrs 40 min, M, Remus/Sirius "'Look well into thyself; there is a source of strength which will always spring up if thou wilt always look there.' In 1985, Remus Lupin realizes that Sirius Black is innocent. Now, he just has to prove it." Both author and podficcer create a sensitive rendering of the angst, fragility, and determination of Remus Lupin.

Sentiment to Paper - mistyzeo, read by RickyPulsifer - 7k, 57min, E, Holmes/Watson "No fewer than three times by the winter of 1883 had I heard Sherlock Holmes disparage the ways of lovers and their irrational tendencies toward writing letters. With this often and loudly-expressed opinion in mind, I was very surprised indeed to find a stack of unsent, unsealed letters in a drawer in his desk." RickyPulsifer’s podfic is a quiet wonder of smooth pacing, emotive delivery, and thoughtful production.

Splendid Creature - mistyzeo, read by RickyPulsifer and the_dragongirl - 2k, 20min, E, Holmes/Watson "Holmes has tired himself out on a case and wants to go straight to sleep. After an orgasm or two. Watson is more than happy to help." A sleepy, steamy PWP featuring a transmasculine Holmes, read by two podficcers whose voices work together beautifully.

Cold Snap - MirithGriffin, read by verityburns - 5k, 34min, E, John/Sherlock “The Mayo Clinic prescription for hypothermia is this: Tea. Blanket fort. Sex. All right, it doesn’t come right out and say that on the website. But Sherlock can read between the lines.” Verity Burns' delivery nails both the snark and the sweetness of this fic.

First Night Out - verityburns, read by the author - 3k, 22min, M, John/Sherlock “As John recovers from the effects of a brutal kidnapping, he and Sherlock attend the Yarders’ Christmas Party. There are… developments on the dance floor…” I loved this fic for YEARS before I listened to the podfic and realized that the audio version–read by the author herself–makes it exponentially more charming and more intimate.

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