#just a bit inconvenient that it is almost 6am

[ravenekrops]

mmmmm brain cogs are movinggg

Raz being invited (more like begged mmhm) to stay at this secret facility that investigates the supernatural. he fully distrusts these guys but Eva ends up convincing him to give them a chance, after all, scientists are just trying to understand them monsters better! it's for the greater good! he was being offered the chance of being the catalyst to humanity's open acceptance for supernatural beings, after all. and also they offer him shelter, a warm bed, three daily meals, hot showers and all the snacks he wants, basically a frickin 4* hotel for as long as the tests take place

he ends up agreeing albeing certaingly grumpy about it. the first days go smooth af, he even starts liking it there, the people are nice and the tests are not too invasive. they do medical exams: they test his physical strenght, his transformation control... but also they ask him about his background, the places he grew in, who took care of him, his life experience... the scientists are happy because Raz is the first werewolf that has agreed to aid them in their studies. but Raz wonders... how did they get their previous data on werewolves... if he's the first "willing subject" they have had? hm... he has a bad feeling about this.

he overhears a conversation. a certain careless scientist runs their tongue. turns out yes, they've studied previous subjects, it just wasn't... exactly consensual. their methods were less humane, capturing people as if they were animals and running tests on them with zero work ethic. they were especially unlucky with their last subject, a big old lone dog who travelled with a pup... but the pup escaped their grasp while they were abducting the adult individual. this subject was unusually strong and wise, never trusted any of the scientist and was extremely uncooperative, causing many injuries to the science team that was in charge of him. eventually he had to be put down for the safety of the crew.

all these years, Raz had thought that back then, his dad had been killed by hunters in those mountains. he never knew what really happened... until now.

they were the reason he was dead.

he completely wrecked the place. left many wounded and many more dead. he escaped and ran away. he was lucky they hadn't microchipped him yet. but he was so fucked now. the facility notified the government of his escape and had crossed him as a dangerous individual, giving the search units permission to shoot him on sight.

aside from their personal vendetta against him, this incident was the final straw that broke the humans' hopes of any peaceful coexistence with monsterkind as they decided to take arms against them. during the following months, special units were trained and deployed all around the country, tasked with the mission of eliminating any monster they could find.

Raz had to return to his half-wild nomad lifestyle, moving between small settlements while trying to not bring too much attention to himself, knowing that he had to be careful because now he was the prey. he moves around, searching for other monsters with the purpose of warning them about his experience and the humans' violent intentions, helping them hide and protect themselves against future human attacks. he spends years doing this, meeting and helping many kinds of monsters, never staying in one place, always on the go. he finds many werewolf packs in his travels, but he never stays for long in any of them despite how inviting the warmth and protection of a family might sound... he needs to keep moving onto the next person he can help. he could never settle down, after all. roaming is all he's ever known.

one day he has an encounter with a painfully familiar face. in a pub, he's recognised by one of the scientists that had taken care of him during his stay at the lab. she panicks badly, signaling her partner to leave the building as fast as they can. while her partner is still busy inside, she gets out and quickly tries to walk away to their car, but she has already been spotted.

Raz stands behind her. says her name out loud, and she freezes in her tracks. she feels his predator eyes locked in her neck as she slowly turns around to face him. he starts walking towards her. "i thought i'd never see the likes of you again...". suddenly, the pub's door bursts open and her partner runs towards them, pulls out a gun at Raz's back and loudly orders him to stop moving. Raz turns at him with an untrusty look. of course, they have bodyguards now. he states out loud he just wants to talk to her, nothing else. the guy doesn't flinch, reiterating his very eager intention to shoot him if he doesn't leave them alone that instant. the scientist, who had been paralized in the background during their exchange, shakily asks her partner to lower the weapon. he scoffs at her, are you crazy? he's dangerous, he could kill us both! Raz loses his patience at this statement. "if i wanted you dead, you'd BE dead by now." he growls at him. bah, humans: always the first to jump to violence. seeing how the tension between them was rising by the second, she insists more firmly to his partner to drop the gun. she fully believes the situation can be resolved without any of the parties getting hurt. after a few seconds of hesitation, the gun stops being aimed at Raz's chest, which makes his posture just a tiny bit more relaxed. he truly just wants to talk to her, after all, and so he turns back at her with a judgemental expression on his face.

he inquires if they had been following him. she dismisses his statement with a nervous laugh, no they absolutely hadn't! they're just doing a bit of field work that's all! they didn't even know he was around, she promises! Raz's eyes scan her face, and she adverts her sight while fidgeting with her hands. what she said was true (if they had known he was there, they would've sent a different team for sure), but she didn't have it in her to tell him the complete nature of their mission. after all, they two had been tasked with studying the werewolf pack that was located in the area, gathering info on them to prepare the special units tasked with their capture/neutralization. she smiled at Raz, trying to reassure her statement, waiting for his response. he stood silent, weighting the worth of her words in his mind. he finally decided that he would believe them... for now. to her partner's alarm, Raz stepped closer to the scientist and locked eyes with her. he very seriously said that if he saw they had any kind of hostile intentions towards any monster in that area, he would not hesitate to step in. she swallows, and quietly nods. Raz turns his head towards the other guy and says out loud that they will be watched, so they better choose their actions wisely while they're around. the man grits his teeth, but begrudgingly nods towards him. after giving them a last warning glare, Raz turns around and walks past the scientist, disappearing from their sight.

#about OCs #Raz #now for a round of tag trivia: #her name is Samantha #since the lab incident Raz hesitates to contact Eva in any way fearing that the government may be watching her to find out his location #he deeply misses her company. her wise words. her voice. but mostly her emotional support. #she was a key element in his life during his early adulthood. often staying at her house during full moons #she was with him during his most difficult days. she's the second closest thing he's ever had to true family as he considers her his sister #and he misses her. so badly. #Raz has met several kinds of monsters. vampires of all ages. dopplegangers. lamias. several species of werebeasts #he does his best to explain the situation to them and helps them find others like them so they can stay together and be more safe #he can't convince them all but he doesn't give up. he needs to spread the message as far as he can go #at this point of his life he is able to maintain control during his full transformations. it drastically improves his survival skills #he balances between human and beast form equally and expertly. only needing to hide away from everyone during full moons #werewolfs commonly refer to themselves as dogs #there is a special kind of werewolf that can perfectly transform into actual wolves instead of a beast form #they're kind of like the elitist snobs or werewolfkind. very proud of their pure connection to nature #most werebeasts are human × mammal but it is possible to find the rare werelizard or werefish around. werebird species usually can't fly #i am making these facts up as i go. gotta say it's a great worldbuilding exercise #just a bit inconvenient that it is almost 6am #fine. i guess i'll at least *try* to sleep a bit. jeez. #i'm queuing this post for the late morning

[blu-archer]

Disaster Day

There are probably going to be grammar mistakes, because I can’t proof read to save my life... But hopefully it’s not hectic

Anyway, this was requested.. I kind of got carried away a bit, but I hope it’s close to what you may have wanted!! 

Word count: 6691

SNZ - Allergies

‘Sickie’: Jungkook

Caretaker: VHope

like [mild] inducing I guess... it’s meant to be cute and like, familiar..?

Hybrid Universe

*Awkward Peace Signs* 

uhh yeah, thank you for support and please enjoy it..<3

****

Jungkook was exhausted.

To be fair, his day had been jam-packed full of lectures and dance activities, so it shouldn’t have been that much of a surprise – if only that was the initial cause of his problems. No, despite his day of hard work his fatigue plagued him less due to the events of his schedule and more specifically to the day. His annual disaster day.

It had started when Park Areum had pranced up to one of his best friends in the food court that morning. Giving a shy smile before unloading a gift bag of chocolates and whipping a small bouquet of various bright flowers out from behind her back as she whispered a soft ‘happy valentines’. Jungkook had to force the urge to groan, not wanting to appear rude while Jaehyun politely accepted the gifts, shooting an apologetic glance towards the hybrid. And from there it had only gotten worse.

It was rather unfair. Jungkook loved flowers, they were beautiful, and they smelt sweet and pretty, but the love was clearly  not mutual. It hadn’t taken him long before the incessant itch clung to his sinuses, making paying attention to his classes increasingly difficult. All around him students traded cards and flowers with mirth, and he wanted to go home. Yugyeom had given him some of his own allergy medication, upping the dosage, but it was never truly effective for Jungkook. His hybrid genes just burnt off anything in his system before any real progress could be made. So, he was left to suffer.

It was hard to believe his day had taken such a turn for the worst, it had started off so well too. 6am he had been nudged awake by soft prodding and strokes along his sides. This had caused him to twist and muffle his giggles into Taehyung’s bare chest - only to realise that he had trapped himself in the infamous ‘iron cuddle grip’ and had left himself vulnerable to the hands rousing him from sleep. Hoseok hadn’t hesitated to continue, letting Jungkook’s whines and squirms be responsible for waking up Taehyung, and even if the witch had pouted and been grumpy for the first half an hour, it had quickly dissolved into teasing and discussion about whatever usual whacked dream Tae had had during the night. They had eaten breakfast together and shared kisses in the shower and had even gone as far to drop him off at school together to give him final kisses and promises for the day ahead.

Yet now he sat miserably in his drawing class, catching a sharp flurry of sneezes into his palm, and trying his best to sink into the shadows and away from everyone’s lingering gazes.

It wasn’t like he could help it. The frequency of the attacks were becoming more apparent with each passing moment and being in an enclosed theatre wasn’t helping. The girl next to him offered a sympathetic look before digging out some tissues for him, gesturing to a smudge of charcoal on his face as well.

Jungkook didn’t even care how desperate he appeared when he excused himself to the bathrooms to blow his nose. His head was beginning the ache and no amount of sniffling could help his running nose. There was a lengthy moment in the bathrooms just dedicated to splashing water on his face before staring blurrily at his reflection in the mirror. His eyes were tinged red and his nose had taken on such a bright hue that if he walked home someone would probably grab him to shoot a cold commercial. Looking closely – and this very well may have been his imagination, but he could have sworn that he could see a fine layer pollen sticking to his black ears. It was probably there. With how tight his chest was feeling, there had to have been something on him.

He coughed and blew his nose once more, contemplating if it would help if he just blocked his nostrils with the tissues from the rest of the session. He would look like a fool, but it could help… then again, with how sensitive his nose was currently it would probably just make it worse.

 A big part of him wondered what Tae and Hobi were doing, they weren’t allergic to flowers like he was so they were often able to still enjoy the day without having to worry too much about how they were going to feel at the end of it.

Hoseok had probably been spoiled by his classes and other staff members. Even before they’d started dating, Jungkook could see how much he appreciated the small little love notes or being gifted with a flower or a surprise date, or just being able to flaunt a relationship and be emerged in a bubble of emotions that left people staring longingly. He was able to do and get all of those things now, perhaps not all from Jungkook, but he got everything he deserved. Valentine’s day was always a big day from Hobi, probably because he never really cared about it before – especially back when he had still not to come out. And Jungkook was glad that he got spoilt now, he loved that people loved his boyfriend, and he especially loved how after being showered in complements and affection all day, the dancer came home and reached out in preference to his boyfriends.

With regards to his witch, the events shouldn’t be that much different. Taehyung was probably hiding behind some shelves, going through spell books. Or playfully flirting with Namjoon and Yoongi again. Or knocking off the love attempts of his small following of ‘fans’ that often came to the shop to swoon over him – much to Yoongi’s annoyance. Jungkook could never actually tell how Tae’s day would go. It seemed that every day was a day that someone expressed their ‘love’ for him, that hadn’t changed from when they had been teenagers.

Sinking to the tiled floor, he brought out his phone, frowning at the new crack in the screen from when he’d dropped it early that day. His ears drooped low, almost hiding his face as he stared down at their group chat.

Tae had posted an image about an hour ago of him fanning away faux tears while holding up three red roses dramatically, claiming that someone had -Unsurprisingly - confessed their undying love to him. He could see Yoongi over his boyfriends plaid shoulder entirely unamused at his apprentices actions. No doubt Tae had been lectured or had been subjected to a mouthful of tired, witty complaints after taking the photo.

Jungkook smiled at the quick replies beneath it.

From: ~♥Sunshine☼~

“Hope they have life insurance.”

 From: ~♥Tae♥~

“Hobi... You can’t kill them….”

 From: ~♥Sunshine☼~

“Don’t need to. Poor heart must have given out in defeat after you told them about your two super protective boyfriends.”

 From: ~♥Tae♥~

“Two super protective, lovable and sinfully attractive boyfriends. And yes. I think a part of it did, and again when Yoongi interrupted them after they propositioned for a number swap…. but on an upside. I got to boast about you both again!! Highlight of my working hours.”

 After some more mild threats, Hobi mentioned some other points of his day – mostly speaking about the dare Jimin had been put up too, crashing into the staff room that morning wearing a bright pink and white cupid outfit with wings and a halo, throwing around confetti and giving him sunflowers, and then all of the cute cupids throughout the separate grades coming to hand out things or sing to designated students.

There were some time gaps in the conversations after that, between the sections where either of them were too busy too answer, but they seemed to be having fun as they switched to teasing each other. Both had left prompts or questions for Jungkook more than once, always willing to drag the youngest into their banter. Although his absence wasn’t uncharacteristic, his eyes still lingered on the softly toned question that Tae had slid out barely fifteen minutes before, asking whether Jungkook was busy and what he had been up too…

 Not feeling up to making excuses, Jungkook tapped into his camera and took a quick, slightly blurry selca – not even bothering to double check it before he sent it through the chat. He looked terrible, and he would still look terrible if he checked it anyway.  He breathed heavily from his mouth as he wiped his nose, only to increase the sensitive tingles that pulsed through him. Jungkook could feel his eyes burn with irritated tears and they itched. God he wanted to rub at them, and his ears, they always got this way when he was around flowers for too long, but he knew it was a bad idea. University was not the place to let his allergies and instincts completely control his actions.

He lifted his phone lazily to see new messages had come through.

 From: ~♥Sunshine☼~

“Oh Bun…”

 From: ~♥Tae♥~

“Are you okay?”

“Allergies?”

“Is it bad there?”

“Can you breathe fine? Should I come fetch you?”

 From: ~♥Sunshine☼~

“I think you should leave early… Tae, ask Yoongi to borrow his car..”

“and maybe bring something menthol.”

 ..

“I’m fine mostly… Just really sneezy. And my chest is a little tight but it’s not that bad, probably frojnm” –

Jungkook sneezed openly into his lap, blinking in a daze before realising he had accidentally sent the message.

“from exposure.”***

..

From: ~♥Tae♥~

“I’m going to leave now, should I come fetch you from a specific building? Or wait outside?”

..

There was a small part of Jungkook that felt bad for being an inconvenience, but mostly he was satisfied that he was going to go  home. Even if that meant that Tae missed out on some of the usual adoring customers being even more adoring towards him, Jungkook will get to shower and nap and just exist in peace for a bit. And that sounded great.

“outside. I’ll leave now.”

..

From: ~♥Sunshine☼~

“love you Jungkook. I’ll be home as soon as I can!”

 From: ~♥Tae♥~

“I’ll be there in ten minutes, maximum.”

   He didn’t waste any more time. Discarding his used tissues, Jungkook shuffled back to his classroom. He coughed into his fist as soon as the door to the theatre had closed behind him, locking him inside with his demons. Thankfully he didn’t have to explain much to his lecturer. They had taken one look at him and just waved him away sympathetically, telling him to feel better and to try get some work done later if possible. Given the all clear, he had practically sprinted out of the room after grabbing his supplies.  

 The sun beamed down on him, almost brutally. His black wardrobe wasn’t helping much in that regard, but he walked hastily through the bustling courtyard to find the shading parking area just outside the security gates. A campus guard gave him a brief wave as he passed, eyes softening a little at the state of the shy, yet charismatic hybrid that he had come to know. Jungkook held his wrist to his nose as he ventured further away from the small crowds of people. He found an old bench that was situated under one of the many large Korean oak trees, that’s shadows were cast over his skin mimicking that of a cool breeze. It wasn’t the most comfortable seat, but it served his purpose. After getting as comfortable as he could on the frail wood, he tried once more to clear his nose. It was a hopeless attempt of trying to rid himself of symptoms, one that had obviously failed and had left him sinking back into the old harsh wood of the bench with closed eyes. He couldn’t smell the usually musky, earthy scent that clung to this area and he wasn’t willing to send himself into a fit by looking up at the dappled light shining through the leaves over head – although he could probably recall each and every possible shade that it could be right then. He’d tried to paint the various lighting on the leaves many times, year-round. The view was usually one he’d never want to miss, but the day had taken every last bit of energy he had and trying to appreciate it right this second just wasn’t going to be possible.

 “Kook?”

Jungkook opened his eyes to see Taehyung peering out of the driver window of Yoongi’s much loved Jeep. Had ten minutes passed already? It hadn’t seemed like it… Jungkook blinked slowly at the vehicle a few steps in front of him, reached to rub subconsciously at his eyes. Taehyung looked just has beautiful as he had that morning, his pinched brows more prominent by the red bandana that exposed his forehead. He had parked the car at a slant so that he could pull off easily, not caring about the irked glances security was sending his way for taking up more than one parking.

Realising a bit belatedly that this was his lift,  Jungkook sniffed and grabbed his things, shuffling tiredly to the passenger door. He vaguely heard Tae say something else as he hopped into the seat and tossed his things to the back, but he wasn’t really paying attention. A warm hand brushed through his hair, down his arm and then settled on his own fist. Jungkook closed his eyes once more and rested his head against the glass as Tae started driving, his hand being intertwined into a tight grasp that lay between the both of them as he drifted languidly to the sound of tires on tarmac and Tae’s gentle humming.

    **

“How is he?” Hoseok asked as Taehyung grabbed two of the three grocery bags the elder had been carrying inside, both moving too quickly put them onto the kitchen counter before starting to pack things away.

Hoseok had wanted to come home straight after work but had opted to going shopping in order to at least make something up for later if Jungkook was up for it – he was able to grab a few things for his boyfriends as well. They usually didn’t get things for each other when it came to these types of holidays, but he couldn’t help himself.

Taehyung shrugged. “He was really tired, so I had to wake him up a few times before he could shower, then he just kind of went to bed. I barely got a full sentence out of him.”

Hoseok sighed heavily. It wasn’t as worrying as the first few times he’d seen Jungkook get allergy attacks, he’d learnt that the hybrid tended to get stuck in his head and what he was feeling. Most of the time Jungkook didn’t even realise that he was going quiet, but Hoseok wished that he would at least let them help more.

“He probably just needs some time for the worst of it to calm down, I bought some scented lotions for later. If he wants it. Some dark chocolate too.”

“Should we make a soup or something?” Tae pondered. They usually stuck to warm foods when it came to allergies and colds, especially with Jungkook who was prone to rhinitis.  

“I was thinking about making a curry, or ordering one in if Jungkook needed us, but if he’s still asleep we can start making it now. The spices would help a bit.” Hoseok pursed his lips as he looked over what was yet to be packed away, his hands resting on his hips.

He startled a bit when he felt Taehyung wrap his arms around him from behind, resting his head into the crook of Hoseok’s neck as he engulfed the dancer into a fierce yet tender hug. Taehyung laid a kiss just below Hobi’s ear, smiling against the elders skin before sighing happily and relaxing onto his boyfriends sturdy frame.

“Why don’t you go shower so long? You’ve also had a long day… I’ll start cutting everything for you, I’ve gotten better - you’ve taught me well.” Tae said softly, his chest warming as Hoseok leant back as fluidly as he had leant on the dancer. “Then we can set up for a nice night in. Kookie didn’t even bother to set up a nest earlier, so I think it would be nice if we tried to do something like that for him. Then he can be comfortable enough to decide if he wants help or not…”

Hobi chuckled. “A little eager?”

“What can I say? He’s adorable… and I wasn’t the one that bought scented lotions and chocolate.”

“Touché.” Hoseok stepped out from the embrace with a grin, not wanting to inform the witch that he’d gotten those specifically because he knew the other two enjoyed it. He didn’t typically get the same reactions from it as they did, but he loved the care involved. Thinking about what the night entailed got his body buzzed with warm sparks as the expensive gift bag that he’d smuggled inside using his duffle bag came to mind. He couldn’t wait to for his boyfriends to see what he’d gotten them. “I’ll go shower, hopefully Kook is feeling better later… Be careful with that knife!”

 It wasn’t long before both Taehyung and Hoseok had finished with their preparations. Their meal was simmering away, filling the apartment with rich spicy aroma’s, and they had transformed their lounge into what they hoped was an appropriate nest of sorts. Carrying a mattress from one of their guest rooms had been a little difficult to do quietly, but Tae had peeked in on Jungkook to see that he was still uncovered, lying diagonally across their bed, smothering his snores into a pillow. After that, collecting a variety of blankets, pillows, plushies and majority of the soft scarves and sweaters that they had, had been a piece of cake. Hobi had made sure to dedicate a small table to the lotions and tissues, while another stayed mostly bare for their food and drinks later, the only thing adorning it was the chocolates Hobi had bought alongside a small herbal arrangement that Tae had gone and grabbed from Hoseok’s little garden on the ground floor, adding a few roses that he had easily twined up from wire.

Overall, it looked cute. It had even been fun to make.

They curled up on their soft creation while Taehyung set up a line-up of movies, listening to Hobi’s suggestions intently – not caring that half of his ideas were going to leave them crying if they watched them.

If its what Hobi wanted, it’s what he was going to get.

 It was just before six when Jungkook stumbled into the room. His nose was still red and a bit swollen, and his fist rubbed at his one ear with annoyance. The bunny hybrid had paused, his brows pitched into a tight frown as he took in the set up before him, then sniffled and collapsed onto Taehyung where he sat amongst the blankets.

He had woken up feeling a bit more refreshed, that tightness in his chest had disappeared, but he was still bothered by that  itchy feeling in his sinuses and congestion.

“How’re you feeling, Bun?” Hoseok asked as he joined them from the kitchen. His hand tangling up into Jungkook’s hair before scratching slowly at the base of his ear.

The hybrid blinked as a buzzed sensation did a lap through his body, leaving him rubbing a finger under his nose harshly. He could feel Taehyung pulling him back so that he’d be resting against the witches chest, Tae’s large hands rubbed ticklish circles into his sides that left him twitching in the elders lap.

..

..

“Bun?”

“’m fine..” Jungkook answered, focusing his slitted gaze on Hoseok’s face hovering before him. “Just…meh.”

Hobi hummed lowly. He dragged his nail along the length of Jungkook’s ear, sending shivers to course through his body. Hoseok did it again – slower – grinning as he watched as Tae flushed lightly and bit at his lip while Jungkook squirmed harder against the witches lap.

“What’s bothering you Kook? Should we help?” Hoseok asked softly.

“We made some food for us, too.” Taehyung added, a smidge deeper than usual. “We were going to wake you, but then we wouldn’t have been able to surprise you…”

Jungkook smothered a yawn into his fist, resting his head back onto Tae’s shoulder as he glanced around. The smile that spread across his lips wouldn’t stop growing as he caught sight of everything that they’d put into their attempt at nesting. They’d actually done well, almost an exact copy of what he would have done. His gaze landed on a set of lotions and the itch in his nose only seemed to increase at the thought of opening one of them.

“Food sounds great.” He said, scrunching up his nose. “I didn’t really feel like eating earlier.”

Without a moments’ pause Hoseok was heading back to the kitchen, followed closely by Tae who had gently nudged Jungkook to curl into the blankets beside him rather than on him so that he could help. They had dished up hastily, putting a hefty amount of the curry and rice mixture on the hybrids plate before carrying it out. Tae had made sure to grab a few bottles of flavoured milk before he returned to the room, where Hoseok and Jungkook were lighting up two of his large, sturdy scentless candles. With a soft smile he flicked his wrist towards the switch on the wall as he sat beside Jungkook, letting the room fall to darkness before the candles flame settled into a stable glow. They moved the candles up on either side of the tv screen and away from any possible accident range.

The meal had been a simple setting of silence, the trio all paying attention to either their food or the film that was playing just loud enough to not disturb the neighbours. Jungkook had sat through half the meal with tissues grasped in his hand, wiping at his nose every few minutes as the spices and heat opened up his sinuses. The itch had still not left, but had taken a bit of a backseat momentarily, which Jungkook didn’t know if he was thankful or annoyed about.

This definitely wasn’t exactly how he had planned for this day to go, it never was, but his boyfriends had somehow found an alternative to still have a good time. A part of him knew, the part that kept glancing back to those meticulously arranged lotions, that it would feel good to sneeze now, unlike earlier when the rest of his symptoms were problematic. Yet he didn’t want to ruin the soft mood that had been created. Not to mention asking them to help him with his nose was probably not very high on the romance list. Just one normal Valentines. That’s his aim. Just one. Surely it was possible…

So, he bit down on his lip and tried his best to ignore that lingering tickle, sipping on some milk, and letting the chocolate melt over his tongue.

They had just started the second film -another cute romcom that Hoseok had been hung up about- when Jungkook felt that tickle become apparent once more. Consuming him so far that he hadn’t realised that he had audibly hitched until he felt Tae’s soft, concerned strokes along his back. Defeated, Jungkook raised his hands to hover in front of his face, letting his breath shake and build – only to rapidly blink in confusion as the urge left him disappointed and sniffling. He frowned, then shrugged sheepishly at his boyfriends who had both turned to watch him. Hesitantly, they returned their focus to the movie, Hoseok had shuffled a bit closer to hug into Jungkook’s side while he watched so that he could hide his smile into the hybrids shirt each time something cute or embarrassing happened on the screen. Which Jungkook usually encouraged, but now Hoseok would give him a quick sideways glance each time he felt the youngers breath stutter – and he was almost certain that Taehyung had been aware of it as well after he moved the open box of tissues closer. After the fifth empty promise Jungkook didn’t care that it was blatantly obvious what he needed, he just wanted to be able to sneeze.

He sat up straight, causing Hobi to be pushed off of him, and rubbed at his nose as he glanced up to the ceiling. His breathing built shakily but once again, nothing happened. He let out a frustrated moan and pressed both hands to the base of his ears, rubbing hard to try and force some sort of result out of him.

“Jungkook?” Hoseok prodded, pulling one of the hybrids hands away from his ears. “What’s wrong?”

“I ne-h’hih-ed to sne-ehh..hh’heh…”

And then he saw through teary eyes, the soft tissue held before him.

“Let us help then, yeah?” Tae said deeply. It wasn’t like Jungkook was going to decline that offer.

Taehyung wrapped an arm over Jungkook’s shoulders to get more comfortable and then gently placed his tissue-armoured hand over the hybrid’s twitching red nose. Jungkook stiffened as his breathing faltered further by just having the enclosed warmth from Tae’s palm, both arms falling to his lap. An urgent whine crept from his throat as he felt the pressure of the witches fingers on the sinuses either side of his nose. His mouth had fallen open with  soft, panting breaths and he could feel Tae’s arm tightening around him as he gently massaged in silence.

A tight ball of heat had settled in Jungkook’s stomach, gradually working its way into his chest as he was left a physical mess and Taehyung pulled away to switch to a new tissue, deciding that the old one had become useless. Jungkook had been about to complain when he felt a long cooling breath directly hit his nose from the left. His eyes had snapped shut and he had pitched forward so quickly that Taehyung had barely made it time to catch the wet fit of sneezes that had allergic tears trickling down Jungkook’s cheeks.

 Huhe’TSHhh!! ..Hehh’ETCHhew! Eh’TSHhiew!...... …  Heh’ehhhshheww … Heh’eehhhTCHsheww!!

 Instinctively Jungkook had reached up to cover, trapping Tae’s hand in place as he snapped forward with another triple – half stifled as he squished into the steady palm.

“Bless.” Hoseok pressed a hand to the nape of Jungkook’s neck. “Better?”

Jungkook sniffled as Taehyung pulled away, only to have Hoseok press another tissue to his nose.

“Blow for me.”

A flush spread across Jungkook’s cheeks at the request but he did as was asked, taking a deep breath before blowing out with wet muffled burst. Hoseok didn’t flinch away and wiped at the hybrids nose once he’d finished.

Jungkook glanced away to see Taehyung slip a piece of chocolate into his mouth, then the witch met his gaze through dark, heavy lashes.

“Better?” He repeated Hobi’s question.

 Mostly. The itch wasn’t completely gone, but it wasn’t as bad as before. Yet he couldn’t bring himself to brush it aside anymore.

His mouth fell open to begin his explanation only to be met with chocolate flavoured lips. For the first time since that morning Jungkook was able to fully catch the witches scent. A wave of familiarity doused him, urging him into further contentment. He sniffed and leant closer as Tae had gone to move away, pressing his lips to the column of his neck as he breathed in the woodsy scent once more. A rumble vibrated through Taehyung’s throat as he laughed, pulling Jungkook into him as he rolled back into the nest playfully.

“You seem better.” Hoseok murmured with amusement.

“I-“ Jungkook looked up to see Hobi also reaching for the chocolate. “Thank you…It still… its fuzzy.”

“You want us to keep helping you, Kookie?”

Slowly, Jungkook nodded. A heat spread up his neck as Taehyung grinned at him, almost like he’d been waiting for Jungkook to ask all night.

“Can you lean back into me Bun?”

The question was practically rhetorical, Jungkook wasn’t going to be going against anything they asked of him at this point. He glanced over Tae’s shoulder and the elder’s grin slid into a lazy smirk.

“Tilt up.”

Their movie played on in the background, barely being heard over the pounding in Jungkook’s ears paired with his heavy breaths. Hobi held him gently and rubbed his cheek against the tender part of Jungkook’s neck, only increasing his pants a light trickle of pleasure bled through him. Taehyung took his time, dabbing a small section of his wrist with one of the bottles Jungkook had so keenly peered at before twisting a tissue up, ready to get to work. The hybrids nose twitched as he caught the sweet, fruity scent – at first only becoming slightly irritated until Taehyung moved closer. The candlelight hit the elder like a heavenly glow, an angel descending towards him with expression of something fallen rather than graced. He wondered what Hoseok would look like next to him – he wondered what Taehyung saw when he looked at them. From the depth of his gaze, Jungkook could only assume that it was something just as mesmerising as his view…

His senses burned.

Jungkook gasped and felt his eyes flutter shut as Taehyung moved to sit on his lap, his legs overlapping Hobi’s on either side of Jungkook. The witch reached up and pulled lightly at one of his ears and Jungkook moaned as he sniffed deeply, earning himself a lungful of the intoxicatingly sweet scent that had him pitch forward with a sharp ‘H’ehh’nngxch’. A finger settled below his chin and he met Taehyung’s burning eyes and tilted his head back obediently, his breath hitching against the scented wrist of the witch as he carefully inserted the tissue. The tickle that had permanently settled at the back of his nose reared into a dominant existence as Taehyung moved the ‘tool’ around in a calculated manner, while Hoseok took to laying soft kisses along his neck and ears.

Hoseok murmured soft words as he rubbed his thumbs into Jungkook’s lower back, asking how he was or if he wanted more. The bunny couldn’t even formulate a full sentence without his breath stuttering off. God, if he knew this was how his day would have ended he probably wouldn’t have been so annoyed about it in the beginning.  

Tae angled the tissue to reach slightly further in, biting his lip as Jungkook slackened beneath him, but still resulted in nothing more than desperate hitching.

“Angel…” Tae whispered deeply as he pushed the bottle of lotion that he’d opened towards Hobi. “Maybe we should work together on this…”

Hoseok kissed Jungkook’s neck a final time before he emptied some of the oil onto his palm behind the hybrids back. Taehyung returned his attention to Jungkook, dragging the tip of his forefinger lightly around the rims of the hybrids nose before returning the tissue to the next nostril.

Nghh hh hih… … huh.huh ..huh hhh… mmghhm..

Jungkook was going to die of frustration. Truly and entirely. Taehyung was teasing him now. The witch could very easily help him alone. He knew exactly what to do and where to go, and yet he wished to tempt and torture it out of Jungkook. Which wasn’t necessarily a bad thing, but damnit… now?

Jungkook gasped as heat scorched his blood. Taehyung had to rest a hand on his shoulder to steady him from slipped forward as Hoseok slipped his hands beneath the bunnies shirt. The dancers fingers glided over his skin like a sculptor, fluidly glazing his skin with the cold lotion. His nose quivered and his chest heaved. Immediately he was crumbling into a sniffling mess, Taehyung had even taken a moment to stop his tempting – although that may have been a new type of torture, letting Jungkook’s breath build. Somewhat desperate, Jungkook reached up to paw at the bridge of his nose only to have Hoseok grab a hold of his wrist, pulling it to join his own trailing the hybrids clenched stomach.

“Poor Kookie.” Taehyung brushed his hand through the youngers hair, tugging it lightly before petting down the length of Jungkook’s ear. “Why can’t you sneeze… hmm?”

“T-hih- teassahh ..snf snf..ah huh hh...”

Almost pitying, Taehyung settled his hand on Jungkook’s cheek, and the hybrids nostrils flared. A single finger ran down the bridge of Jungkook’s nose and his chest burst with an aching heat.

Huh iih eh ehh ehH’HESHI’uh! HEH’ITDZshhh! …Huh.. hh..nmmnmm snf. SNf. … eh ehh’hh ..h he heH…. heh’NGGXTshhheww! H’NGCHh’shuh… snnf

Jungkook panted and sniffled thickly, refusing to open his eyes to see the mess he’d probably made on Taehyung’s arm that had yet to move. One of Hoseok’s hand found its way up Jungkook’s spine, steadily sending chills through his body until the dancer slipped out and massaged at Jungkook’s ears. The bunny snapped forward into another bout of desperate breathy sneezes as his fur became slicked back and oiled as well.

“There you go..” Taehyung murmured lowly as he brought a tissue to the hybrids nose, catching the wet expulsions with a gently grasp – giving soft, prodding massages whenever the younger stuttered off shakily.

Between Taehyung’s pestering and Hoseok’s support and wayward gestures, Jungkook was pretty fucking blissed.

 ..

“You good?” Taehyung asked, pulling the younger into his embrace once Hoseok had excused himself to the bathroom.

“Mmmm. Stuffy… but good.” Jungkook ran his wrist under his nose, only to prompt a congested sneeze into his lap twice more.

Even after the lengthy shower that they’d had, Jungkook still couldn’t breathe out of his nose but it wasn’t exactly surprising. Taehyung had continued his teasing for almost an hour before deciding he’d done a decent job of satisfying what Jungkook needed. It had been great, Jungkook couldn’t remember the last time Taehyung had played this way, the last couple times that he’d asked for help had been simple and somewhat time restrained. And having both his boyfriends at his disposal had been the topping of it all.  

He closed his eyes and lent his head back onto Tae’s chest while the elder started to hum a soft tune that had a gradually serenity flooding into Jungkook’s body, almost encouraging the bunny to slip into sleep. He had been teetering on the edge of darkness when he heard the sound of Hoseok’s light footsteps re-enter the room.

  “Oh… is he asleep?”

“No,” Taehyung answered just as softly as Hobi had asked. “Not yet anyway..”

“Okay… Okay, I have to do something.” Hoseok said, oddly serious.

 Jungkook forced his eyes open again to see the usually spriteful dancer shuffling awkwardly in the dim candlelight, his thick jacket grasped tightly in his hands. Jungkook tried to swallow his yawn, failing to a second one, before clearing his throat with a light cough.  

  “You’re … leaving?” Jungkook frowned, his ears drooping low at the mere thought of not having both of his boyfriends near him.

“No!” Hoseok moved to his knees directly in front of the pair. His jacket falling to the ground with a thud. “I need to do something with you two.. or say something rather… and I hope you.. I don’t know.. like it? I guess?”

“Okay then..” Taehyung set his chin lazily on top of Jungkook’s head, giving Hobi a small reassuring smile. “I’m pretty sure we agreed no gifts, but if you need too…”

“I do.” Hoseok licked his lips, taking a shaky breath. For a moment the only sound in the room was Jungkook’s soft sniffles that he tried to muffle into his sleeve. Another breath, deeper and steadier this time. “I love you… both of you, so much I can’t even comprehend it. How did I end up at this point? The closeted human kid ending up in a relationship as comfortable and loving as this with not one, but two heart throbbingly precious men whose souls are probably the most kind and fearless and open that I will ever meet… I got so lucky.. I can’t imagine not seeing you every day, or not waking up to a full bed, or not watching you two bicker over food, or kissing you after a long day, or hearing your completely bizarre daily adventures – especially you Tae, I want to know every time you accidentally set something on fire or make potions combust in their jars –“

“it was two times!”

“My point being,” Hoseok laughed. “That I want to be in your lives for the rest of mine. I know I probably could have planned this better, but I suppose everything about us was a bit spontaneous…” he reached into the inner pockets of his jacket and retrieved two velvet boxes in each fist. “I know you both would do this differently, given the obvious differences, but I felt like this was the right time for me… we don’t need to like do anything straight away or anything I just-“

Jungkook reached out to touch Hoseok’s leg, halting the mans speech. “You’re rambling Sunshine.”

Hoseok bit at his bottom lip as he saw the faint confusion tinted in the bunnies furrowed brows and pursed lips, yet Taehyung was beaming with glistening eyes, his gaze never leaving Hoseok’s face.

“I- uh… here.” He handed the emerald box to Taehyung, who seemed to be trying not to shed any surprised tears, then pushed the crimson box into Jungkook’s palm. The hybrid’s confused expression rapidly turning into one of awe. “It’s not a unique sigil, or a mating mark, but this is the only way I can make a physical bond. I’ve thought about this for so long and I just…..I… yeah.. ..m-marry me?”

“Ma-Marry?” Jungkook blinked widely, while Taehyung squeezed the hybrid tightly with a huge boxy grin.

“As if we’d ever say no to you?” Taehyung giggled, the candlelight doing a good job at hiding the flush that had crept to his cheeks.

“Marry?” Jungkook repeated, almost hollowly.

Hoseok swallowed hard at the what could be about to happen. God, had this been a mistake? “You don’t need to say yes Bun, I just.. this is something I needed to ask. I just wanted us.. I just want to be bound to you more than just words. I want people to see that you’re mine, but it’s okay if you don’t want to.”

Taehyung peered down at the bunny questionably then opened his box. The ring was a thick simple band of white, laced with gold intricate designs of engraved roses and small rose quartz embedded in a circle throughout the centre. He didn’t stop the tears from falling then. Just nodded while biting down on his lip. Jungkook turned to see the ring, then looked down at his own box with his mouth agape.

“You.. You want to marry me?” Jungkook spoke softly. “I just spent the last hour and a half sneezing myself into the next plain of reality, and you choose now to ask this?” The hybrid gave a choked laugh, opening his box to see a black ring that was identical to Tae’s in design. Simple and yet so beautiful.  “Oh my god Jung Hoseok. You have the worst timing. I love you so much.”

Hoseok sucked in a tight breath and shifted to sit beside the pair. “Is that a yes?”

Jungkook started laughing again, sniffling back his tears. “Are you going to put these on us?”

Hobi grinned so widely it hurt. His blood danced and his heart screamed as both of his boyfriends leant into him, letting him slide their rings on.

“Ohhh  this is going to start a riot at work.” Taehyung teased happily. The giddiness in his voice only increasing as time passed.

“Good those girls can finally leave you alone.” Hobi kissed Tae’s shoulder as he intertwined his fingers with Jungkook’s. the ring pleasantly cool against his skin.

“To think I wasn’t looking forward to this day.” Jungkook mumbled, leaning back into both of his boyfriends arms.. “Best Disaster Day of my life

#sneeze #sneeze kink? #bts sickfic #bts fanfic #witch taehyung #human hoseok #bunny hybrid jungkook #allergies #valentines #poly #established relationship #requested #I tried #alternate universe #magic exists #proposal? #its meant to be cute #anyway enjoy

[letters-from-alex]

October 16, 2019

Dear friend, 

I know it’s been a while. I can’t stress the amount of guilt I feel for not writing to you in so long. You must have been worried. 

To calm your nerves, I’d like to tell you that I’m okay-- better than okay actually, considering what’s been going on lately? I can’t complain. Honestly, it could be a lot worse. 

Last week, my house caught on fire at four in the morning. I woke up to the whole house covered in smoke. I didn’t realize what was going on. I was half asleep when my mom walked in. I could smell the smoke, but for some odd reason, I thought it was my mom burning breakfast again. It wasn’t...

I thought it was 6am. My mom burst into my room and yelled, “Wake up! Something’s wrong!” She sniffed my room. “Is it coming from here? Why does it smell a lot worse here?” She took a big whiff from the air purifier I leave on every night. “Is it this? Oh my God, I can’t tell anymore.”

I finally got up and rubbed my eyes open. “No, Mom. It can’t be that. It’s meant to do the complete opposite.”

“We need to get out of here. Something’s wrong. And I don’t see a fire anywhere.”

We walked out of the house and took the dogs with us. My dad came up to me and told me he didn’t know what was going on either. He was worried that it would be a lot worse than he expected. 

So, we called the fire department and they showed up within minutes. A group of (very hot and muscular) men went into the house to find the cause of the fire. 

A few minutes later, after extensive searching, they found that there was a shortage inside the A/C unit in the attic. Thankfully, the fire didn’t spread and was contained within the unit. This explained why the whole house was in smoke, but no fire was visible.

In addition, our thermostat shorted out as well and burned a bit of our wall. Thankfully, it wasn’t anything major, but it could've been worse and that scares me the most. 

Aside from all the smoke inhalation and causing some asthma during my run, I’m okay. At least I’m alive. 

Today wasn’t any better...

Since they're replacing the A/C unit in our house, my parents and I have been  staying in a hotel a few minutes away. It’s been a little inconvenient with driving back and forth to get clothes, drop off the dogs, pick up the dogs, getting something to eat, etc., but I  guess you can  say it’s an experience. 

There’s really something odd about being in a hotel for a few days in your hometown.

Today, I was supposed to go into work at 8am, but I decided to sleep in and go in at 9am instead. So, I woke up a bit later, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and drove off to work.

I was running a little ahead of schedule, so I decided to stop at the Vitamin Shack to get myself a chocolate protein shake. I ordered, waited a few minutes, talked to the employee about trying a new protein, and left. About a minute later, I get into a car accident. 

I was stopped at a red light minding my own business-- you know, listening to Halsey and singing idiotically and drinking my protein shake. The light turned green, but the two vehicles in front of me took too long to react to it. Just before I let go of the brakes, my car moved forward and I heard this awful noise coming from underneath. 

I couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on. I thought something was wrong with my brakes. Maybe they gave out and aren’t working. Why did I move forward, yet I was at a stop? That’s when I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed this tall Dodge Ram behind me that just seemed a little too close. 

I turned into the convenient store and thought, if this guy follows me in, then, he must have hit me. I turn in. He followed.

I parked by the air compressor for the tires and he parks behind me. I tried asking him if he was all right, but he didn’t understand me because he only spoke Spanish. I don’t know much Spanish, but I do know he said he’d give me a hundred dollars to get the puncture and dent fixed on my trunk.

I knew that wasn’t a good idea, so I called my mom so she could talk to the older man. After that, I did the same with my dad and he advised me to call the cops and I did that too.

The cops showed up almost immediately and took both our information. I had never been in an accident before, so I was a little confused about everything. Thankfully, the officer was very kind and helpful and told me things should be settled in a few days as far as the police report goes. 

I was waiting at that gas station for about forty-five minutes when the officer finally told me that I could go on with my day.

And that’s what I did... went on with my day as if nothing really happened. I didn’t let it bring me down, but I feel as if deep down inside I’m hurting. I don’t know why this is all happening to me right now. The only thing that’s keeping me sane is that I’m keeping myself distracted. This is such a low though, I know things will get better soon and I’ll be back living my high and things will be going my way.

I just hate that when things like this tend to happen, things that are out of my control, I just want someone to hold, but not just anyone-- I want him. 

For some odd reason, when things are out of control and life just doesn’t seem to be going in my favor, he’s the one that makes everything better. But he’s not around anymore and I’m so afraid to talk to him. No, that’s a lie. I’m not afraid to talk to him. I��m afraid of being ignored. Or maybe I’m afraid of finding out that my message won’t deliver. I can’t tell which is worse.

I wish I had somebody to help me forget about the world and remind me that everything is going to be okay. I know it will, but having that validation just makes me feel all that better. Because telling yourself isn’t the same as someone saying it for you. 

I can’t seem to get him off my mind now because before all this happened, I saw him driving around town twice in a span of twelve hours. Then, the next day I saw him riding his bike at the park with his family.

He didn’t see me driving, but he saw me at the park. Oh, I know he saw me because when we locked eyes, he kept looking away and tried to ride in the opposite direction. I wonder what he thought. I wonder if it hurt him too to see me there at my park. The park that I go to to run and feel as free as an uncaged bird with no shackles attached. It was the one and only place where I felt I’d never see him at. It was the only place that I felt at peace and now he ruined that for me just like he ruined everything else. 

But if I really truly felt that way about him, why do I still love him?

Love always, 

Alex

#spilled ink #spilled thoughts #my writing #writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #instagram: @letters.from.alex #I miss you #I love you #heartache #lgbt #lesbian #gay #gay love #lesbian love #I'm sorry if there's typos #I am not editing this

[inspiredink]

October 16, 2019

By Letters-from-Alex

Dear friend,

I know it’s been a while. I can’t stress the amount of guilt I feel for not writing to you in so long. You must have been worried.

To calm your nerves, I’d like to tell you that I’m okay– better than okay actually, considering what’s been going on lately? I can’t complain. Honestly, it could be a lot worse.

Last week, my house caught on fire at four in the morning. I woke up to the whole house covered in smoke. I didn’t realize what was going on. I was half asleep when my mom walked in. I could smell the smoke, but for some odd reason, I thought it was my mom burning breakfast again. It wasn’t…

I thought it was 6am. My mom burst into my room and yelled, “Wake up! Something’s wrong!” She sniffed my room. “Is it coming from here? Why does it smell a lot worse here?” She took a big whiff from the air purifier I leave on every night. “Is it this? Oh my God, I can’t tell anymore.”

I finally got up and rubbed my eyes open. “No, Mom. It can’t be that. It’s meant to do the complete opposite.”

“We need to get out of here. Something’s wrong. And I don’t see a fire anywhere.”

We walked out of the house and took the dogs with us. My dad came up to me and told me he didn’t know what was going on either. He was worried that it would be a lot worse than he expected.

So, we called the fire department and they showed up within minutes. A group of (very hot and muscular) men went into the house to find the cause of the fire.

A few minutes later, after extensive searching, they found that there was a shortage inside the A/C unit in the attic. Thankfully, the fire didn’t spread and was contained within the unit. This explained why the whole house was in smoke, but no fire was visible.

In addition, our thermostat shorted out as well and burned a bit of our wall. Thankfully, it wasn’t anything major, but it could’ve been worse and that scares me the most.

Aside from all the smoke inhalation and causing some asthma during my run, I’m okay. At least I’m alive.

Today wasn’t any better…

Since they’re replacing the A/C unit in our house, my parents and I have been  staying in a hotel a few minutes away. It’s been a little inconvenient with driving back and forth to get clothes, drop off the dogs, pick up the dogs, getting something to eat, etc., but I  guess you can  say it’s an experience.

There’s really something odd about being in a hotel for a few days in your hometown.

Today, I was supposed to go into work at 8am, but I decided to sleep in and go in at 9am instead. So, I woke up a bit later, got dressed, brushed my teeth, and drove off to work.

I was running a little ahead of schedule, so I decided to stop at the Vitamin Shack to get myself a chocolate protein shake. I ordered, waited a few minutes, talked to the employee about trying a new protein, and left. About a minute later, I get into a car accident.

I was stopped at a red light minding my own business– you know, listening to Halsey and singing idiotically and drinking my protein shake. The light turned green, but the two vehicles in front of me took too long to react to it. Just before I let go of the brakes, my car moved forward and I heard this awful noise coming from underneath.

I couldn’t wrap my head around what was going on. I thought something was wrong with my brakes. Maybe they gave out and aren’t working. Why did I move forward, yet I was at a stop? That’s when I looked in my rear view mirror and noticed this tall Dodge Ram behind me that just seemed a little too close.

I turned into the convenient store and thought, if this guy follows me in, then, he must have hit me. I turn in. He followed.

I parked by the air compressor for the tires and he parks behind me. I tried asking him if he was all right, but he didn’t understand me because he only spoke Spanish. I don’t know much Spanish, but I do know he said he’d give me a hundred dollars to get the puncture and dent fixed on my trunk.

I knew that wasn’t a good idea, so I called my mom so she could talk to the older man. After that, I did the same with my dad and he advised me to call the cops and I did that too.

The cops showed up almost immediately and took both our information. I had never been in an accident before, so I was a little confused about everything. Thankfully, the officer was very kind and helpful and told me things should be settled in a few days as far as the police report goes.

I was waiting at that gas station for about forty-five minutes when the officer finally told me that I could go on with my day.

And that’s what I did… went on with my day as if nothing really happened. I didn’t let it bring me down, but I feel as if deep down inside I’m hurting. I don’t know why this is all happening to me right now. The only thing that’s keeping me sane is that I’m keeping myself distracted. This is such a low though, I know things will get better soon and I’ll be back living my high and things will be going my way.

I just hate that when things like this tend to happen, things that are out of my control, I just want someone to hold, but not just anyone– I want him.

For some odd reason, when things are out of control and life just doesn’t seem to be going in my favor, he’s the one that makes everything better. But he’s not around anymore and I’m so afraid to talk to him. No, that’s a lie. I’m not afraid to talk to him. I’m afraid of being ignored. Or maybe I’m afraid of finding out that my message won’t deliver. I can’t tell which is worse.

I wish I had somebody to help me forget about the world and remind me that everything is going to be okay. I know it will, but having that validation just makes me feel all that better. Because telling yourself isn’t the same as someone saying it for you.

I can’t seem to get him off my mind now because before all this happened, I saw him driving around town twice in a span of twelve hours. Then, the next day I saw him riding his bike at the park with his family.

He didn’t see me driving, but he saw me at the park. Oh, I know he saw me because when we locked eyes, he kept looking away and tried to ride in the opposite direction. I wonder what he thought. I wonder if it hurt him too to see me there at my park. The park that I go to to run and feel as free as an uncaged bird with no shackles attached. It was the one and only place where I felt I’d never see him at. It was the only place that I felt at peace and now he ruined that for me just like he ruined everything else.

But if I really truly felt that way about him, why do I still love him?

Love always,

Alex

original image by matuska

#writers on tumblr #poets on tumblr #twcpoetry #poetryriot #Writers Corner #letters #writers' world

[emotionsofthesoul]

Chapter 15 _ Nuevos Comienzos

The following morning both girls got up at 6am and decided to have breakfast where they first met.

Everyone is Placerville was used to the Carvajal family living amongst them. Valentina had been going to that coffee shop since she was a child. Her family was very loved by the local community. Enough that Valentina was on first name bases with the owners of her favorite coffee shop and they often allowed her to display her photography on both floors of their business.

This particular morning her table was not available which she found strange since she had been coming to this coffee shop for over a decade and that was always her table. When the locals at her table saw her they offered to let the girls sit but Valentina waved them off telling them it was fine. There was a new employee and clearly she had no idea that on Mondays that table was reserved for her from 6am to lunch time.

Juliana noticed how this slight inconvenience irritated Valentina and she found it adorable and hilarious how territorial she was over a table. It was a special nook so she partially understood why the girl loved it as much as she did. Nonetheless Juliana wasn’t about to allow this ruin Valentina’s day so she did the first thing she could think of to distract Valentina from this hiccup.

“Val, how about you show me around this place. Show me which pieces are yours. Take me upstairs and we can grab a seat near the giant painting of the elephant that I love. It’s darker upstairs anyway, remember we’re only here for breakfast, it’s not a big deal.” Juliana said looking Valentina in the eyes while holding Valentina behind the ear and rubbing it with her thumb as she tends to do to soothe the girl in front of her.

Valentina nodded in acknowledgment and allowed herself to be led up the stairway. As they ascended the stairs Valentina showed her one of the images on the wall that she captured. It was an image of the building they were standing in that she took when she was 13 years old. Kathy, the owner, had loved it and decided to frame it and has kept it up ever since. When Juliana reached the top of the stairs they were met with a beautiful window light. Juliana thought Valentina looked etherial in that lighting and in that moment she felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Little did she know Valentina was thinking the exact same thing.

“Que?” Valentina questioned with a smile directed at the girl a few steps above her.

“Que de que?” Juliana replied not breaking eye contact.

“Why are you looking at me like that?” Valentina asked beginning to blush as her smile grew wider.

“Am I not allowed to look at my girlfriend? Am I not allowed to look at the most beautiful creature in this universe? At the blessing standing right in front of me in human form?” Juliana answered unashamed and with great confidence.

Valentina covered her face and began nodding her head while giggling not knowing how to respond.

“Come here.” Juliana said helping Valentina up the remaining steps and hugging her as Valentina made herself comfortable on Juliana’s neck which had become her favorite place.

Juliana pulled away from Valentina and walked them over to the window where a small bench was placed right below it. They sat down and stared intently into each other’s eyes. Neither girl spoke; they just allowed the morning rays filter in through the window as they observed each other.

“Uhhhh sorry to interrupt but your food is ready…” The new girl at the café holding a tray with their food said, biting her lip out of nervousness knowing she was shattering a moment.

Valentina turned to acknowledge the waiter trying not to make the girl feel bad for interrupting. They decided to eat at the bench pulling it away from the window a bit so they could sit on it while facing each other. They had both gotten a turkey breakfast sandwich with a fruit smoothie. Setting the tray on the ground, they held and ate their breakfast. Valentina told Juliana that while she talked to Renata she would explore around the area and they could grab a snack afterwards.

When they finished their sandwiches they scoot in closer to each other unconsciously as they continued to talk. The more they talked the more distracted they became, stealing glances at each others lips.

“Fuck it.” Juliana said no longer paying attention and instead putting her drink down and pulling Valentina into her as she began to kiss her. Valentina was her first kiss but now that they had shared quite a few Juliana had grown more confident in her skills and was sure of her feelings. She took control of their kisses more often and Valentina definitely did not seem to mind.

When they needed to catch their breath they rested their foreheads against each other breathing heavily and staring into one another’s eyes.

“Wow.” Was all Valentina could say; Juliana had left her breathless and speechless.

“Let’s get out of here, yeah?” Juliana said standing up from the bench and offering her hand for Valentina to take.

Valentina eagerly stood up and allowed Juliana to lead them down the stairs, through the café, and out the door towards her car.

Once inside Juliana’s car they didn’t say anything simply smiled and bit their lips at the thought of their kiss. As Juliana pulled out the parking lot Valentina told her to keep driving east towards Mosquito Rd, passed the bridge and a few houses, towards an empty property surrounded by endless trees. As the car came to a stop Valentina told Juliana to close her eyes. She plugged her phone into the radio and started playing Lana Del Rey. Once the music was slightly turned up as background noise she leaned in and began to kiss Juliana.

As they continued to make out Valentina spoke against Juliana’s lips, “I don’t know what your game plan back there was but I’m all in.”

After a few minutes Juliana pulled Valentina closer into her; enough to practically have the girl on top of her. They stayed in that position for nearly 20 minutes. Juliana took Valentina’s denim jacket off somewhere in those 20 minutes and Valentina as played with the hem of Juliana’s shirt.

When they finally pulled away from each other both girls were completely out of breathe and neither could say a word for what felt like an eternity.

Juliana closed her eyes and bit her lip as she finally mustered up the ability to speak. “We should get going. We’re gonna be late.” She still couldn’t turn to look at Valentina.

Valentina simply nodded to herself as she spoke, “mhm… yeah you’re probably right but I’d honestly rather not.”

Juliana let out a chuckle at Valentina’s statement before asking, “Val, where are we?”

Taking a deep breath to try and compose herself, Valentina ran a hand through her hair trying to get her mind off the kiss; if you could even call it.

“Uhh. This is actually a property I bought when I turned 18. I haven’t done much with it. Nothing really, but it was 300 acres and it was extremely cheap so I took advantage of the opportunity and bought it. I hope to one day build my home here. It’s very isolated and has a beautiful view a little farther up ahead.” Valentina said as if anyone could easily own 300 acres in California.

Juliana’s eyes opened wider than ever before as she turned to look at the girl sitting in her passenger seat very casual about her previous statement.

“Valentina… you don’t realize how rich you actually are do you?” Juliana said in almost a whisper.

Valentina turned her body facing towards Juliana. “What do you mean? I know I’m rich but that doesn’t mean anything. I thought it didn’t mean anything to you?” She said trying not to get defensive.

“No, it doesn’t. I still don’t even know or care how much you have, that’s your business not mine. I fell for the cute girl sitting in a hidden part of coffee shop with her forehead wrinkled as she worked away on her computer not the media heiress you turned out to be. I’m just saying you said that as casually as someone who found rare J’s on specials. This property was probably worth more than what that person would make in their entire lifetime multiplied by 4.” Juliana said trying to get her point across.

“Really? I guess I never thought about it like that.” Valentina said shrugging her shoulders.

Juliana giggled at the face Valentina made.

“Okay morrita, let’s go. I don’t want to be late for my job interview.” Juliana said turning her Mustang on.

“Why… you know you already have the job, this is only a formality.” Valentina said putting her left hand on top of Juliana’s right hand to stop her from shifting the car into drive.

“Formality or not, I don’t like being late. I’ve always lived by the saying, ‘if you’re five minutes early, you’re on time. If you’re on time, you’re late.’ So let’s go woman.” Juliana said pulling out of the property.

Valentina smiled at Juliana’s way of seeing punctuality.

They drove while listening to a playlist Valentina had made for Juliana. There was some morning traffic as they reached the exit towards 65th St. Once in the streets they made it to Renata’s shop in under 10 minutes making them 20 minutes early.

Renata showed up right at 9am when they had agreed to meet. Valentina laughed at the fact that Renata was just on time meaning according to Juliana’s saying she was late. Once she greeted her sister in law she told them she’d be back so they had the entire hour to talk business before the boutique was set to open. In the meantime she would go find new photographs waiting to be captured.

When Valentina returned to the shop Juliana and Renata were laughing as Renata was telling Juliana how Eva treated her when she found out her brother was dating his secretary. Renata was working as Guille’s secretary and going to school part time in order to graduate and pay for her school. She never expected to fall for her boss but it happened and Eva hated it. She tried to break them up for the first year until Valentina put an end to it. 

According to Renata, Valentina told her sister, “As a wise man once said, ‘mind yo damn mudafuckin business bitch!’” That shut her up and everyone started laughing because Valentina never cussed at home let alone directed at her stuck up sister. Valentina then went on to explain to Eva that no matter what she thought or said Renata was part of the family and would always be welcomed with open arms by everyone and either she got on board or jumped completely off the boat. This caused Juliana to laugh trying to imagine Valentina saying and doing all of that to protect no only her brother but Renata as well and their love.

“What are you guys talking about?” Valentina said as she came in with a huge smile at the knowledge that the girl of her dreams and her best friend were getting along so well.

Renata laughed before filling Valentina in. The three girls continued to talk until the employees began to trickle in and first customers showed up. Once Renata had to get back to work the girls said their goodbyes and they went on their way.

“What do you want to do now?” Juliana said as she took hold of Valentina’s hand as they walked towards her car.

“Actually I’d like to take you to a nearby park so we can talk. I have good news.” Valentina said with a huge smile that Juliana loved. Handing Valentina the keys Juliana got into the passenger seat.

When they arrived at the Cesar Chavez Plaza they found a bench with a nice shade. They bought corn in a cup mixed with the usual corn on the cob ingredients: mayo, cheese, and chili powder. They also got a raspado; Juliana picking a tamarind flavored raspado while Valentina chose a coconut with lechera raspado.

“Okay what did you want to talk about?” Juliana said taking a sip from her ice cold drink.

“First I want to know how it went with Natty?” Valentina responded genuinely interested on how things turned out.

Juliana’s entire face lit up at the question showing Valentina that everything did in fact go very well.

“It went great! I start on Monday when the new boutique opens. She’s going to train me for a week and it’s paid training! She also told me she wants me to be in charge of that store and manage it for her. I’m up for the challenge so I accepted knowing that if I have any questions she is just a phone call away. I love your cuñada, she’s awesome! She also gave me the date for the admission presentation so I can start school. It’s right before Thanksgiving, so I definitely have a lot to be thankful for this year. She also said she was going to send me a list of affordable apartment complexes around the new boutique so I don’t have to commute too far.” Juliana said very animatedly.

Valentina smiled the entire time Juliana spoke about how things were beginning to fall into place for her. She could only think that this was the beginning of a new chapter in each of their lives.

“That’s incredible babygirl! We can go apartment hunting over the weekend if you’d like?” Valentina said bring the straw up to her mouth.

“Okay I’m down! Now what was your exciting news?” Juliana said still excited about her chat with Renata.

Valentina took a long sip from her drink before beginning to speak.

“Well… I was walking around town and I came across this beautiful couple and I asked if I could photograph them. They agreed and then we exchanged information so I could send them their pictures and I showed them some of my previous work on my instagram. Before we parted ways the man told me he owns the gallery across from the cathedral and he was willing to let me have an exhibit there next month. You have no idea how difficult it is to book an exhibit there. I’ve been trying for months & it practically landed on my lap!” Valentina told Juliana as she thought back to how everything she had worked so hard for was finally going in her favor.

Juliana set her drink and corn down and pulled Valentina into a tight hug telling her how proud she was of her.

“Let’s cheer to things falling into place for us. For new beginnings.” Valentina said when they pulled away each grabbing their drinks.

“A nuevos comienzos.” Juliana said as her tamarind drink collided with Valentina’s coconut drink.

#juliantina #juliana valdes #valentina carvajal #Forever #juliantinafics #forever ch15

[kpopwriters]

Ooh I have a prompt! This is based on the time woojin said that he wished he could switch places with Jeongin because he gets lots of love and all. So Woojinnie is like feeling really down and insecure so he practices like crazy to 'be good enough' and everyone gets really worried for him and just a big OT9 mess of a relationship with woojin! centric💜💜💜

hey~ ^^ im sorry it took so long. i put a lot of thought into how i wanted to write this.before you read, this story has mentions of overworking, lack of eating and general weakness and depressing thoughts. if you’re sensitive to any of things, i suggest you skip this. 

This has been going on for days, weeks even. Woojin would wake up and head straight to the studio, skipping breakfast, lunch, and dinner since he’s no time to lose, and end up arriving back at the dorm in the late evening. He’d pick up some groceries and snacks for the other members so they would be too distracted to ask where he’d been. He had gotten used to the burning and growling of his stomach, telling himself that enough water will subside the inconvenience. Maybe the others are too busy to notice it, too caught up with their own practice, but he’s glad they aren’t picking up on it. They’ll be surprised when he shows them, everyone, in their next comeback, that he’s finally good enough, even better.

It’s a chilly, rainy day in Seoul. The windows of the bus are fogged up with the crystal-like raindrops from the light shower. It’s about 6am, so the sky is still dark. Grey clouds surrounding the sky in the Korean autumn, it gives Woojin a drowsy feeling as he travels to the studio. He clicks skip on his playlist, the soft piano of “I Need Somebody” by Day6 starting to sing into his ears. He closes his eyes for a moment, appreciating the calmness of the piece, before the bus pulls to a halt to his stop. Pulling his bag over his shoulder, he drags his feet through the almost empty bus and falls out into the rain. Like every other morning, he takes a few minutes jog to the studio. The weather has been worse lately, with the showers of rain striking at the most unfortunate hours for Woojin.

He enters the building, the warm air of the indoors hitting him harshly. The patches of wetness from the rain feel cold against his warming skin. He pats himself down before going to for, so he doesn’t create a mess. With a soft smile at the receptionist, he makes his way to the changing room and switches his casual clothes to his practice clothes. He looks at himself in the mirror, pulling at his t-shirt that he never noticed looked baggier on him. Maybe he has been losing a bit of weight the practice must be getting to him. Woojin takes a deep breath, looking at his grayed, dim eyes, tired and sad, in the mirror.The studio is cold, dark and empty. He opens the blinds, letting in the small amount of light that leaked through the clouds into the room. Plugging his phone into the stereo, he puts on some light dance music and begins stretching. He starts from his neck, feeling the hot sensation travel through his spine. There was something about stretching at these early morning hours that really got to Woojin. It always felt so homely to him. His spine cracked with satisfaction as his movements begin to speed up, his limbs feeling loose and free. It was always a feeling he enjoyed.

Meanwhile, back at the dorm, Minho was beginning to wake up moments after Woojin left. He sighs, noticing the empty space in Woojin’s bed. It became a regular sight, but not one he liked. It’s still so early. He doesn’t see Woojin too much these days, apart from when they have a group rehearsal. Times are tough for everyone. Chan, Changbin and Jisung don’t come back until the younger members are preparing for school. Some of the younger members are lacking or skipping classes to practice. This comeback is important to everyone as always, there’s no time to rest. They feel it’s necessary, but they all feel hurt watching themselves.Groaning loudly as he stretches his back and arms, he pulls himself out of bed to walk to Chan and Changbin’s room. “Changbin-ah~! Channie~!” He calls from outside their room, “I’m coming in~”Chan, still asleep, stays unbothered by the racket Minho makes. Changbin, however, expresses his annoyance in a long, tired sigh.Minho claps his hands hard to alert the pair, “Hello? Woojin has left again and it’s not even six.”Changbin sits up, rubbing his eyes, “He… Sorry say that again, I wasn’t listening.”Minho purses his lips and lets out a quiet grunt, marching over to Chan, “Jeez, when did you go to sleep, mister?”“An hour ago…? What time is it?”

~~~

After a few hours of practice, Woojin finds himself soaked in sweat against the mirror of the practice room. He rubs his hands against his warm face in distress. Since he hadn’t rested well last night, he feels he didn’t do well today. God, he just felt so useless. At this point, he couldn’t even notice any improvement. Of course, he was working his ass off day and night, but he feels stuck in this loop of not advancing his skills, and for what? What is he gaining? It feels like nothing. Is it that he’s not working hard enough? Is it that he’s gotten lazy, too lenient with his practice?He holds his breath for a long moment, picking himself up from the ground. He feels his legs wobble in weakness, making him have to use the mirror to support him. He tuts to himself, “Can’t even keep myself upright. I’m hopeless.”In the changing room, a familiar face waits for him. Concern, worry and sadness is written all over his face, and as soon as Woojin spots him, he feels his heart sink to his feet. The atmosphere of disappointment lingers around the two, so much that Woojin can’t rip his gaze from the ground.“I’ve been waiting in here for hours,” He speaks up, his voice croaky. He coughs to clear his throat, his eyes wandering around the room, “Have you been practicing for all this time?”Woojin doesn’t answer.“Woojinnie. You have, haven’t you?”He nods, slowly. He feels like a middle schooler at the principal’s office after doing something wrong, his chin glued against his chest and his throat clogged up.Chan sighs, pulling him by the hand, “Come sit, Woojin.”Woojin drags his shaky legs along with Chan, slumping against the lockers. His eyes stay locked to the ground. For some reason, something about Chan’s aura makes him feel too shameful to even lift his gaze.

“I’ve been in that position before,” Chan starts, looking towards the showers in front of him, “You feel like you have to be better, so you practice like crazy. But it gets to a point where you stop improving, and your effort just goes backwards. You start to deteriorate, emotionally and physically. Your body only feels the constant ache of self-disappointment.” His head turns to look at Woojin, whose head is buried in his hands.“The feeling seems to get worse the older you get. There are all these prodigy children getting love from every each corner and you think to yourself, ‘Will they be the ones to replace me?’.”He pauses for a long moment, staring into space.“And it sucks. It really does. There’s nothing more to it. It hurts. But, I can assure you, no matter your skill level, no matter how good or bad you are at any position, you’re good enough. For us, you’re more than that.”There’s another long pause.Woojin finally tears his head from his hands, looking towards Chan but refusing eye contact, “I’m sorry.”“Talk to me, Woojin.” Chan brushes off the unnecessary apology and places a hand on his thigh.

~~~

They’re on the bus together, Chan and Woojin. Chan keeps his friend under his arm as he sleeps on his shoulder. A weird feeling of nostalgia hits him in the stomach. A similar situation happened between Young K and Chan before, quite a long time ago, actually. He takes some time to look at him, deep in thought. What was it that did it for Woojin? What made him fall that deep?Chan tears his gaze away and sighs, holding Woojin tight. Woojin moves a bit under his arm, pulling on his hand, but Chan doesn’t mind. How did he let Woojin slip so far away? Why didn’t he pick up on it sooner? He had figured Woojin wasn’t around in the early hours of the morning and the later hours in the evenings, it was no secret to him. But, he never asked why, what he was doing. He can’t help but feel that it was partially his fault. If he had just payed more attention, like a good leader should, then maybe…“Channie?” Woojin’s tired voice speaks up, his eyes wide looking at him.Chan manages a smile, “Yeah? Are you feeling alright?”Woojin sits up, so Chan takes his arm away from his shoulders, “I guess. What time is it?”He pulls out his phone from his pocket furthest from Woojin, “Eleven thirty-ish.”Woojin rubs his eyes. Chan notices that his skin had gotten paler. Woojin always had tan, honey-toned, glowy skin. Recently, it looked colourless. The warm colour in his cheeks isn’t there anymore, Chan realises. He’d been too busy to notice, too caught up in work that he wasn’t paying enough attention.

Thinking about the things Woojin said he felt makes Chan’s heart shatter to pieces. To know someone as amazing, as wonderful as Woojin is feeling so worthless burns him to the bone. Does everyone feel the same way? Is he really so selfish that he won’t pay attention to these things?

When they arrive back at the dorm, the rest of the members are sitting on the ground in the living room. As the door clicks to a close, the members all turn their head to look up at Chan and Woojin, sadness and concern in their eyes.That’s what hits Woojin hardest. They weren’t supposed to know. They weren’t supposed to care or worry. He didn’t want that. He didn’t want to be in the way. He didn’t want to hurt them.“I-” Woojin opens his mouth, choking on tears, “I’m so sorry.” And that’s where he breaks. All this emotion and pain he’s been holding in and bottling up for all these weeks finally got the best of him. He cries, and he cries, and he doesn’t stop. It feels good. It’s refreshing. He cries for the nights he never came back home. He cries for the early mornings when he sees his members knocked out, or when some aren’t home. He cries for the growling, never ending pain in his stomach from the lack of food. He cries because he knows, now, he knows how hard it is for everyone in this room. He knows it’s been hard for himself.

All of the members scramble up from the ground and dash to give Woojin a big hug. Usually it was Woojin comforting the other members, but not this time. It feels nice. In between the nine of them are mutters of “It’s okay.” and “Don’t be sorry.”Of course, because they care about him. Because they love him in the same way he loves them. They’re his family.“Alright,” Chan pulls apart, clearing his throat. The members slowly back away, turning their heads towards time.“I suppose it’s time we talk about this.”

~~

did you enjoy it? i really liked writing it ^^ thank you for submitting your request!-ten ( @straynation)

#kim woojin #woojin #stray kids #kpopwriters #straynation #stray kids fic #kpop fic #kpop scenarios

[artificialqueens]

When it all gets too much -(Shalaska) by Ty5000

A/N: I Know y’all are waiting for Soccer Punch but I’ve had a really bad few days and I didn’t want to take it out on that universes Sharon and Alaska so instead I wrote this monster oneshot. This is around 5k words which I didn’t event think I was capable of producing in one night but here you go I am really proud of this.

Massive Trigger warnings for eating disorders, depression, suicide and Self harm. It’s pretty dark but I wrote it as a kind of vent/ form of therapy please listen to the triggers and stay safe ily <3

P.S Its 6am and I’ve been writing all night so I proof read the best I could but there may be some mistakes.

Summary : College freshman Alaska suffered with poor mental health in the past and thought that she finally had it all in control until it all gets a little too much .

“Hi, it’s me, I’m just calling to say I won’t make it in today.” Alaska’s voice came out soft and quiet as if she hadn’t spoken all day, well she hadn’t so that made sense.

“Is everything okay sweetheart?” Her boss Kasha replied sounding genuinely concerned for her health.

“Yeah, I’m just not feeling well.” It wasn’t completely a lie she really didn’t feel just not the kind of unwell that you would expect. She wasn’t sure why she was expecting Kasha to believe that though, her boss was incredibly attentive and had made Alaska spill about her past with mental health when she had saw her taking her medication during her first week on the job.

“Okay, Well I’ll ask Courtney to cover your shift tonight it shouldn’t be a problem just let me know if you’ll make it in tomorrow.”

“Thanks Kasha.”

“Take care Alaska.” The older women replied with empathy that she pretended to not hear as she hung up the call. 

Alaska let the phone fall from her hand onto her bed, there was nothing she hated more in the world than letting her mental state get in the way of her life. Since starting at university almost three months ago now she had done her best to stay on top of things and worked through the occasional bad spots more so as a distraction than anything else. She had always known in the back of her mind that going to college would be a lot of pressure and despite the doubts from her parents there was no way she wasn’t going to do it, performing arts was her dream and now that she was steadily on that path nothing was going to stop her.

Well that part wasn’t entirely true as it was 2’Oclock in the afternoon and her Broadway history class was just ending yet here she was curled up in bed the same place she had been since she woke up from a troubled sleep at 5am that morning.

  That’s the thing about depression, the thing that most people don’t necessarily get: A depressive episode doesn’t need to be caused by anything (It can be of course.) but depression is funny like that it doesn’t need some sad event to rear its ugly head in fact often sadness doesn’t make you depressed, depression makes you sad. It makes you so sad that you almost can’t remember ever having felt anything else, and then just when you think you are used to the sadness it stings you deeper and makes you numb. Numb is okay right? numb is better than feeling miserable right? wrong. The numbness is what paralyses you, what drives you insane, leaves you bed ridden and wishing to just feel something.

Alaska had been feeling it for a week now, the beginning stages of a depressive episode. Her first one since… she thought she was in recovery. It had been over a year. Yet here she was again, and she recognised the feeling all too well: the ball of sadness, loneliness and general irritation brewing inside her, but she fought the urge to curl up on her sofa and instead choose to power through. She had too much at stake. Everyday she would wake up, shower, get ready and leave for class, eat her lunch, go to rehearsals, and then head off to work at the diner. Some days her girlfriend Sharon would come in on her way home from work and spend her break with her. They were both so busy during the week with college and jobs, so the hour of each others company was always welcomed. Routine was key, if she stuck to her routine she could beat this, that’s what the doctors had said.

 However yesterday had been the downfall of it all.

  Rehearsals weren’t going well. Half of the dancers were away on a field trip and the lead male was extremely hungover and constantly muddling up his lines. Alaska didn’t have a huge part in this play, as a freshman it was extremely difficult to get a notable part in any of the full class productions. As small as her three-lined part was she was just lucky to have a part at all.  Only she wasn’t feeling lucky at all, they had been in this room for over half the allocated two hours rehearsal time and they weren’t even close to her lines. She was extremely tired having stayed up most of the night to study for her test in music theory which had caused her to sleep in and almost miss the test itself. Come lunch she had discovered that her wallet had been left at home, Alaska really tried not to skip meals after…. But this couldn’t be helped. Now here she was sitting in the old theatre which was cold in the late November weather and seemingly getting nowhere.

 She thanked a god that she didn’t believe in that Wednesdays were her day off and that Sharon Didn’t need to be in work until 12pm on Thursdays meaning she would get to spend some long-overdue time with her girlfriend. Sharon had been so busy since starting her new job working at a popular alternative website keen to make a lasting impression that she didn’t get to see her as much anymore. The selfish part of her liked to awaken her self-doubt and tell her that Sharon didn’t care anymore but Alaska knew better than to let thoughts like that get to her. Sharon had been incredibly lucky to get her foot in the door of her dream job straight out of college and Alaska was happy for her. Really.

Finally, her theatre professor Miss Monsoon let them go, sending them off with a “Good work today people.” That Alaska couldn’t bring herself to believe.

She left the building and walked the ten minutes to her flat in what felt like a record speed beyond excited to be away from the cold for the day and back in the comfort of her own home.

 Once safely back at home, curled up on the sofa under a blanket with a mug of warm tea to heat her up and also to curb off the hunger until she could eat with Sharon she pulled out her phone to text her girlfriend.

To : Noodles (at 5.36pm)

God, I have had the worst day I think the worlds out to get me!

What time are you coming over? I need pizza and cuddles.

She casually flipped through some pizza menus mentally preparing her order as she awaited her response

To: Lasky (at 5:40pm)

I’m sorry Lasky I promised Raja I’d work late tonight, we need to finish that article on some cool new punk band but the research department didn’t bother to fact check so I promised I’d help out. Raincheck?

Alaska sighed deeply, of course the world would be so against her today that she couldn’t even have the one thing she had been looking forward to all day.

To: Noodles (at 5:41pm)

You work too hard ☹

I miss you

To: Lasky (at 5:43pm)

I know

I’ll come to the diner on your break tomorrow okay x

To: Noodles (at 5:44pm)

Okay <3

It wasn’t okay.

Alaska’s eyes burned with tears, she felt stupid for crying over something so trivial, but she couldn’t help it, she had been holding onto this one good thing throughout all the shit she’d dealt with today and now it was gone and with it went any remains of a good mood. Just like that the plug she had firmly pressed down over her feelings for the past week was pulled and a wave of surprised emotions emerged sinking the ship that was Alaska. Once the tears started they didn’t stop, she cried and cried a cocktail of sadness, anger, loneliness ,  exhaustion and stress. Loud aggressive sobs wracked her small frame, her hands reached up to grab her hair pulling tightly as her teeth dug into her lip subduing the urge to scream.

When she finally got herself somewhat under control a good while later her chest was tight and breathing erratic due to her sobbing, her throat and eyes burnt like fire, her head was pounding like a small army was marching on her brain and her bottom lip throbbed angrily from where she had bit down. A stinging in her arm drew her attention down where she discovered angry red scratch marks from where she had subconsciously dug her nails into her skin. It wasn’t by far the worst she had done in the past but staring down at the bright red standing out on top of the white skin already flawed from the past. This is when she realised she was in too deep and she needed someone. She needed Sharon.

To Noodles ( at 7:12pm)

Are you done with work?

Normally Alaska wouldn’t want to bother Sharon with her problems, she always felt that Sharon saw her as a child and found her poor mental health to be an inconvenience more than anything else. She put this down to the fact that she was 18 and could easily be easily seen as a child in the eyes of her 21 year old college graduate girlfriend. Being a freshman who could barely juggle her classes, part time job and social commitments without a daily dose of prescribed medication being seen as immature or too much for her girlfriend to handle was one of biggest insecurities. Sharon however despite appearing to be much more mature with her full-time job right out of college in her chosen field, her own apartment which she had gotten without special circumstances unlike Alaska and a cat was not perfect and had her own problems too. She worried endlessly about the wellbeing of her girlfriend and would never consider her lesser because of her past no matter what Alaska thought. 

       -     -    -

Alaska and Sharon first met the previous December almost a whole year ago at the university open day, Alaska had begged her mom to let her come. Her Mother had been hesitant due to the fact her daughter had just been released from the hospital and was unsure if college was such a good idea in her state, especially one three states over that she wouldn’t be able to get to in an emergency but eventually she gave in agreeing that maybe it’s exactly the distraction she needed.

Alaska had bumped into Sharon within her first half an hour in the building, there she was standing behind the information stall for the GSA with two other people who Alaska would come to know as Danny and Katya not that she really noticed them at first, all she saw was the tall girl with the dyed grey hair and black lipstick wearing the torn misfits shirt.  She remembered how self-conscious she felt in her black skinny jeans and her pink sweater practically falling off her body as she wobbled like a baby deer towards the stall. She remembered their first words, Sharon being as overly confident and bold as normal and Alaska being shy and quiet in a way that must have come across endearing. She remembers getting more freebies from that stall than anyone else. (she knows this because one of the stickers had a phone number scrawled across it.) She remembers the first time they met up and how lovely it was, she remembers the conversation where they agreed that they had to stay just friends at least until she turned eighteen and she remembers finding her closest friend at GSA stall.

She recalls the night about two months later when her sleeve rolled up too far in the car and Sharon caught sight of her scars. That was the night she told her everything. She told her how she felt worthless how the smart kids thought she was dumb and how the theatre kids didn’t think she was good enough, she told her how she would try to starve herself to perfection and how she’d dig a blade into her skin to punish herself and cry herself to sleep almost every night. She told her about that Halloween night when it all got to much and she chased a bottle of pills with a litre of vodka and went for a bath. She remembers crying, she remembers Sharon crying and she remembers feeling proud for the first time as she tells her that she’s getting better and she really believes it.

She remembers her eighteenth birthday a month later how she celebrated the day with her family and a close group of friends but really all she wanted was for the next day to be here when she could spend it with Sharon. She remembers that day so well how she took her ice skating and to a vegan restaurant because she knew high calorie foods still stressed her out. She remembers the ride home and kissing her goodnight.

She remembers getting her first girlfriend and being happy and confident for once, Sharon makes her happy and confident. (not all the time no one is capable of that, but she helps.) She remembers crying down the phone to her girlfriend when she got the acceptance letter. She remembers her girlfriend crying on her at her graduation because she didn’t know what she was doing with her with life. She remembers the road trip back for her own high school graduation. She remembers how she didn’t go to prom instead she spent her prom night with her girlfriend kissing every inch of her and calling her beautiful and making her see stars all night long.

She also remembers their first fight like it was yesterday. It was the week Alaska moved into her apartment a few days after classes had begun and Sharon was constantly on her back trying to help and offering to do practically everything and worst of all, constantly asking her if she had remembered to take her medication that day. To an outsider it’s an innocent question, a nice incentive but to Alaska it was patronising and made her feel like she couldn’t take care of herself. Of course, when she told this to Sharon she had gotten offended and it had ended in a huge fight. It had been loud and quick with both parties failing to see the others valid view. It ended soon enough with Sharon finally realising that she may have been full on and apologising for worrying and assuring Alaska that she knew she could cope. She finished of her apology with one last line before they cuddled up on the sofa to watch The Golden Girls.

“Just remember if it ever gets to be to much I’ll be here, no questions and no judgement.”

And that is how Alaska fell asleep curled in on herself on the sofa with makeup stained checks and her phone in her hand, thoughts of Sharon running through her head.

                                                                   -   -   -

When Alaska jolted awake it was dark out and her mouth was dry, she stumbled blindly into the kitchen for a glass of water, relishing in the brief relief its coolness brought her before moving through the living room, grabbing her phone on her way to the bedroom. Her movements seemed robotic almost working on memory rather than necessity as she whipped of her tear streaked makeup and changed into sweats and a comfortable shirt. She didn’t bother with her usual routine of moisturising or brushing her hair or teeth instead just pulling her hair out of her already messy bun and crawling into the comfort of her bed. Only then did she allow herself to check her phone, the bright screen blinded her momentarily and made her migraine call out in anguish, quickly she turned the brightness all the way down before daring to look again.

The time on the top corner informed her it was almost ten thirty meaning she had been asleep for just over three hours, not that it did anything she was still exhausted. Both mentally and physically.

She pulled down her notification menu to see she had one missed call from her mother (she’ll check that later.) and one text from Sharon. She clicked on quickly eager for a nice distraction from her mind.

To: Lasky  (at 9:43pm)

I told you I was working late, I just got home.

Is everything okay?

Alaska paused there was one of two ways she could reply, and she wasn’t sure which would be worse.

To: Noodles ( at 10:29pm)

No. I’m getting bad again Sharon.

I’m scared, I need you please come over.

Her finger paused over the send button, if she sent that she knew Sharon would worry and come over right away with comforting words and soft touches but part of her, the part that had won the battle earlier told her that Sharon would be laughing at how pathetic she was being. Surely, she could get through this without her, she wasn’t a kid after all.

She deleted the message and started again.

To : Noodles (at 10:31pm)

Everything’s Fine I just miss you.

No, it’s not.

To: Lasky (at 10:32pm)

Are u sure?

To : Noodles (at 10:33pm)

Yeah.

No.

See you tomorrow <3

To: Lasky (at 10:34pm)

See u tomorrow bby

I love you

No, you don’t.

To : Noodles (at 10:35pm)

I love you back .

She locked her phone and placed it on the nightside and rolled into her usual sleeping position, not that she was expecting to get much sleep in this condition.  So, she lay there lonely and let her thoughts take over.

Her brain tortured her all night reminding her of every wrong move, every stupid question, every time she messed up her lines, every rejection email and every failed attempt at friendship through her life. She’s flashed back to the one party she went to in high school where she hadn’t eaten more than a banana in almost 2 days got super drunk super quick and threw up and passed out in the living room of an acquaintance. Absolutely any memory that she wanted to forget resurfaced over the next two hours.

Just when Alaska was beginning to become exhausted and hot tears were burning behind her eyes as she was pleading with her head to just shut up and let her sleep the worst memory was projected to her.  Halloween night 2017.

She still remembers it like it was yesterday. It wasn’t a spontaneous decision made in the climax of a mental breakdown like it’s portrayed in the movies, no this was a carefully planned for and researched event. Let’s be clear by this point Alaska was pretty secure in the fact that she was dying even if she didn’t directly “pull the trigger” herself she was still dying, she was wasting away with each skipped meal but that was too slow, and she couldn’t wait any longer. It wasn’t an emotional decision for her it was just something that had to be done and it should scare her how little she cared about the impending end of her life. She was numb.

The letter had been written almost two weeks in advance, the Pills secured from a source she couldn’t disclose and finally as an extra measure she had stolen a litre of vodka from the local store. She felt no remorse or guilt for that either. She was numb.

She chose Halloween because it was her favourite day, the only day where she felt like she could be anyone without judgment, the only day where she didn’t have to be herself. It made sense to her to go out on the best day rather than on the “worst day of her life.” A nice ending, not that she deserved it.

When the day comes, she takes care of herself, she sleeps in till 10am, later than she’s slept in so long. She changes into a dress that she had meant to wear to the schools Halloween ball that night, Its short black and lacey with hues of green glitter. It was meant to be part of a witch costume, but she much prefers this use.  A glance in the mirror brings her to tears; she looks beautiful, she looks like she’s already dead.  She had planned to indulge in one last meal, a cheese cake she’d picked out herself but decided against it, what if her parents wanted an open casket?

Before she knows it, she’s sitting cross legged on her bed, the bath is already waiting. She lays the pills out in rows and takes them two at a time with a mouthful of vodka in between each until she starts to feel fuzzy, not drunk fuzzy, this was different. She took this as her sign to go to the bathroom. She got in with the rest of the vodka just in case and waited and waited and waited. She had to way to tell how long it had been, but she was sure it was hours, her parents must be due home any moment. Just as panic began to set in and she really began to worry about what exactly she had did wrong her ears began to ring and black spots appeared in her vision.

She doesn’t remember much after that, in fact the next few days are a blur of screaming, crying, pain, needles and doctors. She knows that her mom found her in the bath covered in vomit and called an ambulance.

Once at the hospital they pumped her stomach, gave her various IVs with different things such as medication, fluids, and nutrients that her malnourished body craved. She was placed on suicide watch for a week and was admitted to a physch ward where her “recovery process” began but of course her mind didn’t want to focus on the positives.

                                                                 -     -     -

Alaska is brought back to reality then a shaking, crying mess. She’s slick with sweat and her heart is pounding at speeds that should be considered dangerous, it’s the same flashback she’d wake up from in the weeks following her attempt screaming and crying but she hadn’t thought about this in so long and she hadn’t been ready to live through it again.

She sprints to the bathroom as waves of anxious nausea make her dizzy, hardly making it as she spits bile into the toilet bowl. It does act as a cold reminder that she hasn’t eaten today. She briefly remembers her sessions with Doctor Visage who has helped her establish an eating schedule to help keep herself on track, she hadn’t really stuck to that in over a week now.

Once her breathing had returned to normal she manages to get herself a glass of water and a protein bar, which she just manages to finish before she passes out into a dreamless sleep.

                                                                      -      -      -

Which brings us back to where we left off on Thursday Afternoon.

After the guilt of blowing off her shift for a mental health day had worn off slightly Alaska made the mistake of checking her emails. She didn’t have many as she usually stayed on top of them pretty well, but she did have an email from her Broadway History professor sent only a few minutes ago waiting for her. The subject line “you were absent in class today.” Made the details of the email very clear but never the less she opened it.

To: [email protected]

From :[email protected]

Subject : You were absent in class today

Hi Alaska,

I see that you were absent today, I am sure you had a very good excuse which I would be understanding about had you notified me before hand as per college protocall!

You missed a fair bit today so please get in contact with me as soon as you can.

Prof.J.Monsoon

Alaska closed out the app as soon as she was finished reading and threw her phone onto her bed, she was not in the right frame of mind to be dealing with whatever work load was waiting for her and she didn’t want any added stress she was already on the constant brink of yet another breakdown.

Instead she chose to listen to her body and attempt to make herself some food. She started of slowly easing her sore body our of bed for the first time in over twelve hours. She entered the bathroom and washed her face which felt swollen from all the crying, she made sure to avoid the mirrors as she did this.

“Okay Alaska you’re doing so good, baby steps.” She whispered to herself as she made her way into the kitchen. This was already so much more than she could handle in a normal depressive episode, but she was determined that this wasn’t going to beat her this time.

She opened the cabinet and tried desperately to ignore that voice that yelled out the calorie count for everything she saw. Soup, yes soup was safe she told herself. The next step was to get a pot and turn on the stove. She could do this.

From her bedroom she heard her phone ding with a notification, but it could wait she decided, distractions weren’t a good idea right now.

Once the stove was hot enough she poured the can of soup into the pot and began to stir it. She was doing so well.

Suddenly the phone began to ring startling Alaska from her train of thought and causing her to drop the spoon. And that’s when it happened.

As she was coming back up from picking up the spoon she accidently nudged the edge of the pot causing it to topple over and spill hot soup right onto Alaska’s bare feet.

“Fuck!” She screamed out as the hot liquid burned her skin. She Jumped away from the mess attempting to find a cloth to clean it up.

“Why are there no fucking cloths!” She yelled as her hand reached up to pull at her hair in frustration.

Her phone began to ring again. “Shut up” She suddenly screamed at the object in question. “shut up shut up shut up shut up!” hot tears burned behind her eyes. God why couldn’t she do anything right.

She turned around quickly remembering that there were some clean clothes in the cupboard above the stove, as she did this she slipped on the soup puddle on the floor. She reached out to grab onto something to save herself and slammed her arm down onto the hot stove. She yanked it away almost immediately with a yelp of pain but instead of running to put the burn under running water she pressed her finger against the inflicted area and winced at the searing pain.

Oh no.

Before she knew what she was doing Alaska was pressing her other wrist down onto the hot stove, and again and again and again until she was sobbing and shaking with the pain.

Unable to take anymore and completely mentally exhausted she slid to the floor and wrapped her arms around her knees crying out brokenly.

At this exact moment the door opened.

“Alaska baby?” Sharon’s voice called out from the hallway clear worry evident in her voice. “Are you home? I went by the diner after work like we planned, and Courtney said you called in sick.”

Alaska bit her lip to stifle her sobs as Sharon came closer to the kitchen, it was a fruitless attempt as she would have to find her eventually.

“Alaska?” She called again “You’re worrying me sweetheart.”

Alaska closed her eyes now preparing for the worst as the footsteps reached the edge of the door way. No going back now.

Sharon gasped as she turned the corner into the kitchen, she probably would have screamed if she had been capable of making any noise at the moment instead she stared at the scene in front of her before bouncing into action.

“Lasky, what happened?” She asked kneeling down beside her and reaching out to touch her shoulder.

 Alaska jerked away from Sharon’s touch like it was searing hot, she didn’t deserve this she didn’t deserve to be treated so nice she’d ruined everything. She wanted Sharon to yell to tell her how she’d fucked up and how much of a mess she was but instead the older women just looked at her with sympathy and hurt shinning in her teary eyes. That’s what broke Alaska’s shield. She had cried so much in the last twenty-four hours out of frustration and anger and hurt and exhaustion but this time when the tears started it was an over flow of sadness and of realisation. If she had asked for help last night when she felt herself reach breaking point maybe she wouldn’t be in this position, but she was too scared or too proud and now here she is in the middle of a complete relapse after eleven months and she truly hates herself for that.

“I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” Alaska cried out, she wasn’t sure if she was apologising to Sharon, to herself or just because it felt like the right thing to say in this situation.

“Shh it’s okay, it’s okay.” Sharon whispered almost as if she was too scared to speak any louder and scare her off. She reached out to touch her shoulder again only this time Alaska didn’t shy away and instead collapsed into her touch sobbing uncontrollably. Sharon let her lay on her and rubbed her back for as long as she needed until the sobbing subdued.

Alaska lifted herself from Sharon’s lap, hyper aware of the pain that radiated from almost every part of her body.

“I’m sorry you had to see that.” She rasped, her voice hoarse from crying for so long.

“Don’t be, I’m glad I got her before…” Sharon didn’t dare finish her sentence. “You should have told me you were suffering again.”

“I didn’t want to be a burden. You’ve got so much going for you right now and you’re so busy you don’t need a mentally ill kid girl friend too.”

“Hey, no don’t you talk like that.” Sharon began frowning slightly. “I knew exactly what I was getting myself into when we started dating, I always knew this was a possibility, god I hoped it wouldn’t, but I always knew it might and I’d be an asshole if I was willing to throw away the best thing that ever happened to me because she was hurting.” It was Sharon’s turn to cry this time a rare site.

“Do you remember what I said to you after our first fight?” She asked.

Alaska shook her head.

“I said that If it ever got to much again I’d be there.  I meant that then and I mean it now, you got through this before and we  can get you through it again. It’s going to be okay. You are going to be okay.”

                                                                        -     -    -

She was going to be okay.

Not right away because that’s not how these things work, it’s going to take a lot of hard work, a lot of pain and tears and self-discovery but in the end, she’ll be okay. Because if it’s not okay then it’s not the end. 

#when it all gets too much #ty5000 #alaska thunderfuck #sharon needles #tw suicide #tw self harm #tw depression #tw eating disorder #rpdr fanfiction #submission #college au #lesbian au

[steveramsdale]

The ‘More Normal’ Blog Blog

This week’s blog will be of a more normal style and length.

On Saturday I had to drive again. I was taking the, still unnamed, van to the ‘Master”. This was even further than the petrol station. I only made one gear-change error - first to fourth. But as it was around 6am, it didn’t inconvenience any other road user. The mechanic (master ‘мастер’ is the Russian word for an experience crafts person or repairer of things) shook his head many times. He pointed to every component in the engine and around the vehicle and told me that it would almost certainly be a problem. His head shook so much that it justifies a zingning metaphor. He finished his inspection with an incredulous question: - почему Вы купили эта машина? why did you buy this van? He had the benefit of my best Russian to justify this clearly sensible and considered venture. He said he would meet me at school on Monday to give me the report and I could decide what to do.

The rest of our weekend was quite normal for us in that I can’t really remember anything in particular. There was shopping and school work and walking and coffee and lessons.

I met the mechanic at school on Monday. He drives a beautiful, old Mercedes. l had a friend to help with translation and he said many of the same things he had on Saturday. I don’t know what I was expecting, but when he said it would take about one month from when he starts to completion - I was a bit crest-fallen. We also agreed that I would meet him early one morning once he was ready with a more detailed report. One other interesting face was that he went to school, as a child to school on our school site.

One lunch time (things kids say thing ahead) I was talking to a girl who told me she was feeling a bit sad but didn’t know why. I just chatted to her and we talked about how this can happen and about what made her happy and so on – she is the Gucci girl, by the way. A boy I taught last year came by and he is one of those almost-always-happy people so I asked him about this. He agreed it was mostly true. When I asked him if anything made him sad he said it was if he was made to wear non-branded clothes. We joked about this for a little while and he walked away saying” It’s better to be naked than to wear non-branded clothes .”

Most readers of this blog (‘most’ sounds like there are hundreds) know me personally. None of you would accuse me or would have heard me being accused of being some sort of style icon or even ‘well dressed’. This week, a colleague passed me and said that they really liked the way my tie went with my shirt! If I live another 30 years, that might just happen again - if care-home gowns can match anything else.

This week also held the anniversary (33 years) of Mairi and I ‘stepping out’.

I asked someone about the ZZ plates. My normal research method is to look out of car windows and speculate and then present uneducated theories. This new approach led to a sensible explanation. These numbers are being sold to people who want them – a bit more individuality, more money than… This week it was reported that, in Uzbekistan, someone paid thousands of dollars for a number plate that could be seen to display the birth date of the Prophet Mohammad (PBUH). So it’s becoming a thing. More news will follow.

I went back to the garage at 530am on Thursday. There were parts of the engine in Yura’s (like Gagarin) workshop and most of it in tables in the big BMW workshop. I hope he knows where everything goes back. He showed me practically every part and where the faults were. The odd nut or bit of metal something was declared to be OK. He asked again if I was sure about this crazy plan. He said that he would meet me at school again – on Friday – and I could give him a first installment so he could start buying parts. It was agreed. He also wants us to meet for beer! He did come to school on Friday and he already had quite a few parts in his boot. He also has a couple of parts from the engine that were already clean and repaired. This was encouraging. I made the irritating mistake of not taking a picture- remembering as he was driving away (my friend who translated had cheekily asked which way he was going and then asked to be dropped off).

The talk of the school on Friday was that the world was ending that day. I strongly rejected, even slightly ridiculed this idea. I wondered if it could be figurative – as all of their reports were being published to parents on Friday. I’m glad it didn’t end (it might still be Friday somewhere as I type this) as I would have looked very silly at work on Monday if it had.

And that’s it. See, a bit more normal.

[fayvie]

NEEHU Monday: Ignorance is Bliss

Monday began with the absolute strangest feeling in the air. A stagnant feeling like everyone was waiting to exhale. It felt so quiet, and I almost was afraid to look at my phone, because I knew that all I’d see was messages over Skype and Discord about people leaving or preparing to leave, and I didn’t want to deal with that yet. At the same time, because I booked my flight to leave early Tuesday, I relished the comfort of my bed, and the knowledge that I had one more day with many of my friends, and at least a few hours with others before they had to leave.

I was in no hurry to dress up today, unlike the rest, so I hung around in pajamas and set up in the living room with my laptop, starting to catch up on tumblr and process my thoughts on the weekend (and start my recaps!). It was very therapeutic to me, immediately re-living those moments and experiences a second time made it feel like it had never ended. I guess I’m still doing that now, in a way. I realize the recaps are so painfully self-indulgent, but they really do act as a form of con aftercare for many of us, being able to look back and genuinely appreciate how special all of these moments were to all of us. That being said, I completely respect and understand those who choose not to write about it, and keep those moments private and treasured in their own way. All the power to you!

Eventually @sebsteerpike ended up at my doorstep once more, beginning the unloading of all his luggage into my room. Since @travisthehypnotizedpuppy would be leaving today, a bed opened up, and we decided to squish in more people to help save money. We cuddled on the couch for a while, we kissed, he pulled my hair, we just enjoyed each other's company so much, and nothing about the repetition felt dull.

He had to get his room cleared out before check-out, but I was sooo comfortably half napping on his chest at one point, so he hypnotized me to feel as though the pillows he placed would have the same feeling. I suddenly had no issues dozing off once more (until abrupt knocking at the door, when @sebsteerpike’s room key malfunctioned and I had to get up to let him back in. How dare he ruin my nap with my seb-pillows.)

We caught wind that a large group of people were leaving shortly, but still hanging out in the lobby. Many people were going to a munch to spend the afternoon with people for the last time before going home, but at this point I felt so socially burnt out (and ill) that the idea of staying in and relaxing was much more compelling. Regardless, we ran downstairs to say our goodbyes to so many awesome people. I felt the uncomfortable feeling in the pit of my stomach that reminded me that the con was ending, but I pushed it down and put on the biggest smile I had. I realized how many people I was so happy to meet and see, and really wished I had more time to spend with (as every con ever goes). 

I had such a blast rooming and hanging out with @travisthehypnotizedpuppy, and it sucked that he had to go home on Monday instead of getting stuck with the rest of us. We’ve been friends for coming up to 4 years now, and we’ve only hung out in person twice, and this time we had way more opportunity to chill, chat, and slap eachother once in a while.

As a sidenote, I hope to do a separate post after these are over to properly address the people who really deserve mention that I can’t fit into these posts!

Back to my room, I flopped back into the comfort of as many pillows as I could horde. Seb and I were joined by @sex-obsessed-lesbian, @meltinggoldanddippingthingsinit, @hypnokittencalico, and @enscenic, and we all reminisced over the highlights of the weekend, discussed travel plans, and just chatted about things in general. It was a nice chance to hang out without the pressure of actually “doing something” being a thing. I used this time to write, for the most part. As people started peeling off to go to the airport, it started to hit me that people’s flights were getting cancelled from the impending weather. I felt horrible for those stuck at the airport, or halfway home without a plan B, and somehow in my fractionation-addled brain, it never even occurred to me what impact it could have on flights actually scheduled on the day of Storm Stella. More on that later!

In hindsight, @sebsteerpike and myself legitimately did spend nearly all of the day on that couch, and it was absolutely perfect. It was just about dinner time so we started plotting out what we’d do, and I was really looking forward to a quieter, intimate sit-down meal with Seb and @enscenic. We ended up on a barbeque restaurant not far off of the hotel, and the whole ambiance of the strip mall containing the restaurant felt slightly ghost-towny, signs up on doors “We will be closed tomorrow due to the Storm. We apologize for the inconvenience”. Did I get it yet? Nope? Oh well, maybe later.

Dinner was awesome. I hadn’t had the time I wanted to really sit down with @enscenic yet, so it was nice to just chat and compare stories from the convention. @sebsteerpike was an absolute gentleman and picked up the tab as we made our way back with 3 boxes of leftovers.

My flight was at 6am the next morning. It finally occurred to me to check to see if it was delayed at all. No e-mails regarding changes, but I looked up the code and found that the flight was cancelled. Well fiddlesticks. 2.5 hours on the phone and some vodka later, I found myself speaking to someone that could help and managed to change my flights to the same thing, one day later. I was venting about the whole process via Skype in some of the post-NEEHU conversations, and freaking out about the hotel situation, as we now had 5 adults stuck and no confirmation on getting a room. This is when @tennfan2 came to the rescue and helped me find a hotel where we could split our group into sane numbers and not turn on each other halfway through the snowstorm. Thank you again for your calm heroics when I was frantic and going a bit nuts, I appreciate it so so much!

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t happy when I found out that @sebsteerpike and the group driving back to Chicago wouldn’t be able to leave the next morning due to highways being blocked off. I know it’s selfish, but it meant I got an EXTRA-extra day. We took this moment to celebrate the fact that 5 friendly hypno-kinksters would be stuck in Connecticut during a snowstorm, and the reality that it was working out pretty well for all of us, all things considered. I’m really relieved that my work was understanding and covered for me not being able to be back in time, woohoo unintentionally extended vacation!

I know this post has been a whole lot of things that probably aren’t interesting to anyone but me, so I will happily go into a bit of a sexy tangent that took place near the end of the night. Unfortunately it’s been long enough now that the exact details have been lost to time, but some moments really stood out.

@sebsteerpike and myself were spooning in bed, and my hypno-egg was turned on ahead of me, on the nightstand. I was watching it glowing, shifting, drawing my attention in with every colour. I remember dropping into trance and feeling so good and horny. I remember straddling him and kissing him as much as possible, my hair falling in both of our faces. I vividly remember the incredibly erotic combination of his hand in my hair, pulling my roots back which made me incredibly fuzzy, and the sharp pain of him slapping the opposite cheek, both sensations making me feel like an absolute puddle. Ever since then, I catch myself desperately craving that combination, daydreaming about it very often.

After some more fun, we fell asleep so easily (or at least I did, I was out too fast to really tell), resting up as much as possible before the Dawn of SNOHU.

Next up: SNOHU! Hypno Scouts Lightning Rounds, and deep relationship conversations and cuddles.

#neehu #neehu8 #fayvie blogs neehu #hypnosis #naps #really casual melancholy day #wrote this on sleepy cold medication so I hope it's not too rambly #the end is nigh

[floraexplorer]

Who Are You Online? – My Travel Writing Reality

“Is Flora your real name?”

I peered at the terse email on my computer screen, where an unknown reader named Brian was asking a rather strange question of me.

“I’ve heard that it’s not your name – so for the sake of a blogging presentation I’m giving next week, could you please tell me?”

My first reaction was to laugh outright. Whoever would christen their blog ‘Flora the Explorer’ if their name was actually Charlotte or Poppy or Gertrude?! But aside from his blunt attitude, Brian did actually have a point.

If he had reason to doubt my real name, what else was debatable? What is the reality of this double life lived both online and off?

Who am I online?

Writing about your life on the internet means it’s sometimes hard to see a line. When I first started this site I had no clue it was even possible for people I hadn’t met to read about me – but nowadays I can’t really help being personal in my writing, knowing full well that it invites strangers to draw their own conclusions.

Yet it still feels like something’s not quite authentic. In trying to put my finger on it, I wanted to investigate what kind of person I think I come across as.

I’m definitely a traveller. 

The last two months have been extensively travel-filled, and I’ve barely stopped moving.

I hitched a ride in a tour van through Europe with a Chilean band; explored Menorca alongside dozens of bloggers, vloggers and social media ‘influencers'; headed into the Scottish highlands for a music festival and some offline life beside the lochs; and somehow found myself traversing the length of Queensland, Australia for nearly a fortnight.

Yet I’ve spent a lot of the last few months staring out of windows.

Yet before May began I hadn’t left the country in 2017 – and if I’m honest, I hadn’t really wanted to.

I’m also a writer.

As ever, I try to write about these experiences with carefully thought-out language, colourfully suitable photos and an overall sense of narrative and purpose. I edit and proof-read and edit again, taking the time to decide exactly how I want to tell these stories.

But precisely because of that delay in the retelling, something gets lost along the way. The reality of these trips goes a little differently.

I’m often a disorganised mess.

At 6am I wake to a mess of a bedroom. There’s a half-opened suitcase on the floor, spilling over with clothes and shoes still to be packed. Our adopted cat is meowing plaintively from the garden outside because I haven’t fed her yet.

I’ve woken up multiple times already, of course: the night preceding any kind of travel usually makes my subconscious go into anxious overdrive. How many alarms have I set to snooze in my half-slumbering state? Am I going to miss my flight/train/bus?

Spoiler: in almost thirty years I don’t think I ever have. But I panic nevertheless.

An accidental nap in Rajasthan, India

Over years of travel I’ve established a routine amongst the mess – but now that travelling has actually become part of my profession, it’s harder to make space for the writing I want to produce.

As a result I have to admit that recently I’ve become a bit burnt-out with blogging. Well, that’s not true exactly. It’s not the writing of blog posts which tires me.

It’s social media.

I market the version of myself which social media wants.

Maintaining a travel blog means covering all your bases in real-time on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter and a myriad of other places too. The bigger your audience grows, the more demanding and more pressurised these channels become.

It’s not just posting pretty photos and interesting captions: you have to consider how this information will be absorbed, and decide how best to commandeer more readers, fans and followers.

Do you ever dream in colour? ❤️ I’ve never been good at asking for photos of myself – – something to do with self-consciousness, along with my stubbornly British ‘I don’t want to inconvenience anybody’ streak – – but I’m slowly learning to challenge that part of myself. The doorway I’m standing in here, down a little sidestreet close to the sea in Menorca, was too colourful an opportunity to pass up

A post shared by Flora The Explorer (@florabaker) on Jun 1, 2017 at 7:56am PDT

I’m absolutely not complaining about this. I’m so absurdly grateful that tourism boards and companies appreciate my writing enough that they want me to tell stories about their destinations. And I’m more than happy to market myself as some kind of brand – even if it feels a little bizarre.

It’s just that more often than not, I feel like the expectations of social media don’t align with the way I want to communicate. I cringe when I have to ask someone to take my photo as I pose – but those are the images which do best on Instagram. I can feel my stories bubbling over into the generic, because round-up articles and top ten lists get more traffic and SEO and all the other bits and pieces for online success.

Trying to mix it all together amongst an ever-changing reality

My parents both worked in the theatre, so I’ve grown up with an acute awareness of what it means to don a costume, or slip into a new character. Essentially, I know how to disguise particular parts of myself.

I’ve talked about the concept of an alter-ego in blogging before, and that alter-ego can take multiple different forms. In travel I often feel like a chameleon: because depending where I’m travelling to, my own version of reality changes.

For instance, throughout my journeys in Menorca and Scotland and Australia I could see myself in abruptly different bubbles of life. As the kinds of people around me changed, I duly altered how I behaved too.

Being one of sixty ‘social media influencers’ in Menorca

For a week, I explored the Spanish island of Menorca with a group of YouTubers and Instagrammers, fashion bloggers and travel writers, Pinterest queens and drone experts, comedians and dancers. One woman has her own lipstick range; another wrote a book on the history of sex; a third has cornered the Instagram market in paper cutouts.

Everyone was at the top of their game, and I had to step up accordingly.

Moreover, everyone was part of an environment I’ve spent the last seven years learning and understanding. Conversations revolved around Instagram, Facebook and social media tactics, and most of our explorations were documented via drones and expensive camera gear. I was active, sociable, always networking, and always online.

Being an offline hippy in Scotland

A day later I was at a music festival in Scotland, where I had no wifi and barely touched my camera. Surrounded by people who wash in rivers, live in vans and favour camping and hiking over makeup tutorials and website traffic statistics, I changed my behaviour completely.

I was the quiet one, the observer, taking in everything that was happening instead of being loud, chatty and ‘on’. I stopped posting on social media, and immediately felt like I was suffering internet withdrawal.

Being a professional blogger in Australia

When I set out for a press trip to Australia a few days later, I threw myself into full-on work mode.

It was my job to be exploring Queensland alongside other bloggers, and I was constantly primed to be professional: taking notes, making recordings, diligently posting to every one of my social media channels and pushing my boundaries constantly so I’d have good content to utilise afterwards.

Wielding too many devices for a butterfly house!

Being myself in East London

And then I came back to London, to a quiet flat and the glass-topped desk which I can see straight through to the floor. Suddenly my days were quiet: an open balcony door, the birds chirping outside, and so much space and time to write and to think.

I sometimes feel like we collect different versions of ourselves – and in an effort to fit amongst a particular crowd we pull one of those selves from the pack, like a magician mid-card trick.

So what links these selves together? What’s the linchpin – the backbone – of who we are?

Writing is my backbone

It’s easiest to recognise that link during the in-between moments. When there’s nothing expected from you, how do you regain your energy again?

I find myself taking space from the journeys. I tap out keyboard strokes on trains, glancing apologetically at the woman opposite who thinks I’m encroaching on her table space. I scribble jolted words in a little notebook while crammed inside a van amongst guitar cases and slumbering musicians. I scroll through Evernote on my phone at 30,000 feet while the plane’s cabin lights dim. My eyes ache, and I really should be sleeping.

And more often than not, I repeat phrases silently in my head, waiting for the moment when I can eventually record them somewhere.

Because as ever, writing is my safe space. It’s where I come to decompress, to re-evaluate, and to re-energise. Writing is the way I connect my experiences together, be they travel related or purely personal or somewhere in between.

Why do we live out our lives online? 

I guess the point I’m struggling to make is the importance of questioning why we do what we do.

Why do I write this blog? What is my reasoning for publishing my words online? I don’t think I’m actively trying to ‘influence’ anyone. That’s not the point for me. The reason I do it is because travel and writing, hand in hand, make me inordinately happy. 

It’s about the world: a seemingly unquenchable thirst to explore every nook and cranny of it, to hunt out the fascinating details which someone else might not have seen, and to

It’s about people: the ones who fascinate me enough to write about, and the ones whose reactions inspire me to keep writing.

It’s about telling stories: re-constructing a world on paper, and giving shape to the way I interpret that space.

In Menorca I had a conversation with fellow ‘online influencers’ (a term I’d never give myself, by the way!) about this topic: about the challenges of representing our real selves in an increasingly commercial online world.

Our collective conclusion was that we all do this because we have passion. We have a constant need to push our creative boundaries – and simply to create in general – but I still maintain that conveying what’s real is still a crucial part of that.

Authenticity is probably the most valued part of publishing your life online, so although I don’t think I have to justify my online identity (and particularly not to Brian!), perhaps my aim now is to be more honest in the content I produce, regardless of what platform it appears on.

And perhaps to produce it quicker, before the impetus disappears.

Have you ever doubted your online self, or wondered who you appear to be in this internet world? Does it matter to you? 

NB: This article is part of a new series called ‘Behind The Blog’ — where I delve into all the bizarre elements of living out your life online. Keep an eye out for further articles on this topic!

The post Who Are You Online? – My Travel Writing Reality appeared first on .

via WordPress http://ift.tt/2tLyHAo

#IFTTT #WordPress