#just binging from whenever i wake up to whenever my spine cannot physically hold my head upright anymore

[thisisasupergoodidea]

i knew there was a likelihood one of these days, and it looks like today was it, when my body would utterly ignore the signals of tiredness to stay up and watch critical role for like 20 hours (not consecutively of course, i make sure to get up every once in a while for a chore and stuff otherwise my ass would permanently deflate)

i obviously am loving it, but, its uh. certainly re-reminding me that im complete shit at choosing my coping mechanisms. because the reason i love it is for all the things i experience vicariously through the players who have what i dont. a tight knit group of friends. time spent together to goof off and share little victories and failures and whatnot. incredible emotional connection. great hair. yknow. its very fun to sit here and watch all that happening, i dont regret it or anything. i just. become bleakly and soberly aware of how fucked my own life is for every day that i tuck into my laptop to absorb any amount of the joy of other peoples camaraderie. while spending no time founding sources of joy from within me

but if theres anything in that to feel positive about, its the fact that im well assured that i want those things now. friends, shared time, emotions, (hair care), these are all attainable goals. i can visualize and look forward to them. im running out of time for a lot of things but i have years and years to build a joy like the one that i currently can only glean from others

#im fully aware that this is a very losery-nobody thing to say. its true i know #my mom bought me a decent amount of uber credit for my birthday. called it the gift of freedom bc i still cant drive yet #ive been on groupon and whatnot trying to think of a safe inexpensive lil adventure i could go on to test the waters #no luck yet but tbh im thinkin about maybe like a class or activity or somethin where interaction is encouraged. it would be nice #the past month or two has been garbage. pure shit. almost a complete regression back to college levels of isolation #only im not even using tumblr as my outlet anymore im just binging unhealthy levels of critical role with a lame desperation #not one single step closer to finding a job. and totally stopped writing/brainstorming ages ago. its not been a good time #except of course for when im watching CR because thats mostly fantastic. and the times that i am watching it is most of the time #so really just all of the time that is my own life is shitty. unsurprising for sure for sure for sure for sure #its cool. its fine. guess im hoping for a divine fucking miracle or something at this point but its like yeah. yeah #and you know another cool thing about me doing this to myself is that i dont ever. EVER get enough of a rest #just binging from whenever i wake up to whenever my spine cannot physically hold my head upright anymore #its ridiculously radical to feel that shame and disappointment in the back of my brain even as im momentarily entertained #laughing and clapping and getting emotional with the people on my computer screen and feeling bitterness for myself as well #KNOWING that even though i love what im seeing its hardly even a bandaid on this deep emptiness. its like #trying to bridge a rift with 7 twigs and some ribbon. its something to give my attention to. and it will never fix whats wrong #but god damn it the ribbon is pretty and id rather die playing with sticks than flinging myself to the void in defeat #and uh to have this comparison make sense. i. uh. just might figure out how to fell trees one day like a competent person? sure #i talk about life n stuff