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#just came to terms w the fact that a lot of what i do in my daily life is self harm so i’m fucking angry at myself
familyabolisher · 5 months
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hi!! i hope you’re having a lovely day :-) i really enjoy reading your blog and how you pick apart Things & was wondering if you have any tips and guides for reading and analyzing poetry? ive always struggled w forming coherent thoughts abt poems and would love to know how you approach it. thank you sm for your time ✨
so the big thing that made poetry "click" for me was realising that i was trying to read it the way i might try to read a novel -- identify a discourse taking place, look for points in the text that supplement my argument, construct a position on what the piece is "about" based on these points -- all very undergrad essay-core and frankly a v boring way to think about novels as well, but like, completely mind-numbing when it came to poetry. i think a better approach is to interface with the poem at the level of language and technical construction. i find that it helps a lot to know the technical terms for particular phenomena in the language of poetry, but even without that shorthand knowledge, you'll get a lot out of poetry when you start looking at the choices being made at the level of individual words or even syllables. so instead of asking "what is this poem about?", we can start to ask, for instance:
what is the tone of this poem? is it sparing or loquacious? emotional or detached? asking questions or answering them? what's the vantage point - is this a detached omniscient third-person narrator making observations, or are we as the reader being guided towards a particular perspective on the part of the speaker?
what is the mouthfeel of this poem? can you find any 'shapes' -- any assonance, any internal rhyming, alliteration, anything that causes you to pay attention to particular words, phrasing, etc. why is your attention being called to those moments?
what is the rhythm of the poem? is it free verse -- if so, can you find any points in the piece where more or less attention to rhythm is being paid? why does the line break on this particular word? are the sentences short or long? how is the poet interfacing with their chosen meter? what does this meter lend to the poem? if you're reading multiple works by the same author, compare their use of meter -- do they use the same meter regularly or switch it up, and why were those switches made?
if you can annotate a poem, do so. note down anything which seems linguistically interesting, even if you don't know the "correct" technical word for it -- any clusters of words with similarities whose placement might be interesting (eg. what words are rhymed!), any noteworthy rhythmic discrepancies, placement of line breaks, anything that sticks out. i like to think of reading poetry as a playful exercise -- you're playing around with the words, seeing how they work, enjoying the rhythm and texture of the piece as it comes to you, and trying to construct "a reading" only after the fact.
i think there are times when the reading-for-a-discourse approach can be v helpful and illuminating, but it's best to stumble on those opportunities organically rather than focusing all your energy on trying to answer the "what is this trying to say?" question. if a particular discursive component of a poem sparks your interest (like eg. you read the rime of the ancient mariner and notice how the poem interfaces with contemporaneous abolitionist discourses as well as colonialist ideas about polynesia, just as an example), you've obviously got a compelling hook from which you can anchor a reading, but going in expecting such a reading to jump off the page will often just result in frustration.
this doesn't mean that we don't take the discourse of a poem seriously, or that we don't understand the "rules" of poetry to be postdiscursive phenomena highly contingent on social context. if anything, understanding poetry at a mechanical level opens up significant doors for answering these types of questions -- we can understand, for example, the reactionary nature of the academic revolt against free verse and the desire to return to metered poetry better once we understand the function of form and structure in fascist aesthetics. similarly, spending this kind of time with a poem makes it a lot easier to get a handle on what it might be "about," and what sort of choices are being made to render that "about"ness coherent.
also -- and this is true of anything, including poetry -- if a poet isn't working for you, try reading somebody else. a lot of poets that people will say are good and interesting are neither of those things. poetry has the advantage of being (usually!) a quick read compared to novels, so it's far easier to shop around, read widely, realise what you like and dislike, and engage accordingly.
one of my favourite pieces of literary criticism and examples of the value of this sort of reading practice comes from nabokov's epilogue to lolita, in which he both defends the novel in question against accusations of salacity and speaks very disparagingly of efforts to read a thesis statement into it. he writes:
Every serious writer, I dare say, is aware of this or that published book of his as of a constant comforting presence. Its pilot light is steadily burning somewhere in the basement and a mere touch applied to one’s private thermostat instantly results in a quiet little explosion of familiar warmth. This presence, this glow of the book in an ever accessible remoteness is a most companionable feeling, and the better the book has conformed to its prefigured contour and color the ampler and smoother it glows. But even so, there are certain points, byroads, favorite hollows that one evokes more eagerly and enjoys moretenderly than the rest of one’s book. I have not reread Lolita since I went through the proofs in the spring of 1955 but I find it to be a delightful presence now that it quietly hangs about the house like a summer day which one knows to be bright behind the haze. And when I thus think of Lolita, I seem always to pick out for special delectation such images as Mr. Taxovich, or that class list of Ramsdale School, or Charlotte saying “waterproof,” or Lolita in slow motion advancing toward Humbert’s gifts, or the pictures decorating the stylized garret of Gaston Godin, or the Kasbeam barber (who cost me a month of work), or Lolita playing tennis, or the hospital at Elphinstone, or pale, pregnant, beloved, irretrievable Dolly Schiller dying in Gray Star (the capital town of the book), or the tinkling sounds of the valley town coming up the mountain trail (on which I caught the first known female of Lycaeides sublivens Nabokov). These are the nerves of the novel. These are the secret points, the subliminal co-ordinates by means of which the book is plotted—although I realize very clearly that these and other scenes will be skimmed over or not noticed, or never even reached, by those who begin reading the book under the impression that it is something on the lines of Memoirs of a Woman of Pleasure or Les Amours de Milord Grosvit. That my novel does contain various allusions to the physiological urges of a pervert is quite true. But after all we are not children, not illiterate juvenile delinquents, not English public school boys who after a night of homosexual romps have to endure the paradox of reading the Ancients in expurgated versions.
It is childish to study a work of fiction in order to gain information about a country or about a social class or about the author. And yet one of my very few intimate friends, after reading Lolita, was sincerely worried that I (I!) should be living “among such depressing people” —when the only discomfort I really experienced was to live in my workshop among discarded limbs and unfinished torsos.
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jellycrusher · 4 months
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Wolves and Lambs: Part 4
Alpha Max Verstappen x Omega fem!driver
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Genre: Series, Omega verse, Enemies to Lovers, Romance, Eventual smut
Summary: Male Alphas are the ones who dominate motor sports all around the world, especially Formula 1. It is a well known fact. Females in general nor Female Omegas are never heard nor encouraged to join the sport since the 1950s. Well, up until now...
Word Count: 5.8k
Chapter's Premise: y/n finds herself trying to come to terms on who she is and how she avoided her heat for so long.
Parts: W&L masterlist / general masterlist
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"You heard the doctor. You have to stop taking your suppressants for a while." Megan takes the prescription sheet from your hands and shoves it in her bag.
Both of you just came out from the doctor's office. Megan was meticulous in giving you a disguise just in case anyone is going to spot you. You put your head down and hide in your little canopy of protection, your Aston Martin hat. A bit obvious but it's the only one you have at the moment.
"I can't. If it comes during a race weekend, I'm dead." You reply as you walk side by side with Megan, confined by the hospital walls.
"Ay Dios Mio. Your constant intake of suppressants may be the reason why you haven't had your first heat yet at 25 years old. We don't know if there's gonna be negative side effects on your health." Megan tries her best to whisper under her breath.
"Hey, that's not proven." You halt in your steps and turn to her, lifting your head up to face her.
"But the doc says it may be a factor. You can't keep it hidden forever. It has to come sooner or later. If it comes biting your ass, don't come running to me for help."
"I don't want to be confined on what biology or society dictates me to be. I want to prove to everyone first what I can do and who I am." You continue to walk.
"I understand. I just don't want something bad to happen to you." She groaned.
"Fine. If I win a race, then i'll start tapering my dosage. I'll let it come when it wants to come."
"When you win a podium, not a race. Better odds."
"Fine. A podium."
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You felt like you've been basking in the sun, warm against your skin. You didn't want to look at yourself. For every second after that encounter in the elevator until now that you've stayed frozen behind the door of your room, everything was silent.
Your body was fighting your mind. You didn't want this. For so many years, your family and friends, who knew what you really are, told you that we're all bound to meet our mate. We'll know when we meet them.
No. You don't want to. Maybe just not right now. Yes, it's romantic to see couples who are mated and are having the time of their lives. But what if they fell for another person before they met their mate? And what if they refuse their Alpha? What would happen?
Right now, you just want to succeed in this career first. Call yourself stupid for going against your biological desires but there's a lot riding on this. Your parents sacrificed a lot just to get where you are right now. You want to prove that Omegas can also achieve greatness. Female Omegas can also stand in the halls of the greats.
Maybe you're just stubborn. Meeting your mate wouldn't be the end of the world. If you give in, you won't lose anything. Maybe.
Maybe you're just overthinking. Maybe you're being too stubborn.
Max is not a bad person. You've said it yourself before. He is actually a decent guy. Well, just from your text messages but there were no deep conversations yet. You don't love him to see him as your mate. You might learn to love him but it doesn't feel right for your feelings to be swayed just because your biological desires him so.
You barely slept a wink last night. The inkling that bothered you for a few weeks now since the first race have just been confirmed, and the fact that Max left you a lot of messages that you haven't read yet made your mind in a state of disarray.
Megan barged in your room to wake you up. She even had to throw the covers off the bed and furiously opened the curtains, blinding you with the beaming sun. You groan hard as she pulls you out of the comfort of your bed.
"I can't believe this. We're late! Ay Santo Dios..." Megan continued to mention a lot of words that you were not familiar with as she looks at your commitments for the day from her phone screen.
It only took a few moments and the both of you are now on your merry way to the circuit with you being the driver. Megan was still very furious at you for you haven't given her a reason for your tardiness. At the same time, your phone was still blowing up from Max's messages.
"I've had it with your ringtone. I'll set it to silent." Megan pulls your phone from the center console and sees '50 messages' beside the name 'He Who Must Be Avoided At All Times' on the screen.
"It's fine, leave it." You're barely able to look at Megan because you had to focus on the road.
"Who's this? Is there a guy bothering you? Stalking you?!" she asks.
"No. Just leave it." With eyes still glued to the road, you try to yank the phone off her hands.
"Tell me. Is it a stalker?! 'Cause if it is, i'll kill him." She warned.
"Please no. Relax, it's not a stalker." You assured in a calm tone as she hands the phone to you.
"Y/N. If you're in a dangerous situation and you're not telling me, your mom will kill me." She appealed.
Well, that's not impossible. These two are overprotective.
"Megan..." You paused. Megan patiently waits for your answer as you drum your fingers anxiously on the wheel. "It's Max."
"Oh, Max... Wait, who's Max? from Red Bull?" Megan rambles. "Why? Did he do anything to you?"
"He did nothing. It's just.. He found out last night that I was an Omega. I've been avoiding his texts since then." You confessed, tightening your grip on the wheel.
"How? You were always careful."
"That's the thing. I was. I'm still on my suppressants." You gently scratch the surface of the wheel. "Remember when you told me how you met your husband? Your mate?"
"Yes." Megan now replied slowly, now under a notion at where the conversation is going. "Oh my god! Is he..?"
"I think so." you confessed.
Megan was about to shriek from joy but she stopped for she knew how you would respond. For her, it sounds romantic. For you, it's not. She can't count how many times your rejected the idea of having a biological mate. It wasn't against the law of anybody to love somebody else aside your fated mate but for your body to act against your will regardless of what you feel. That's what you dislike about it.
"I still have to talk to him about it. I can't have him blabbering to everyone on the grid." You added. "Let's take this one step at a time."
"You still have a race later. Better focus on that first." She replies as she takes off her seatbelt when you arrived at the car park in the circuit.
Megan hauled you to the team hospitality to prepare you for the drivers' briefing. When you arrived at the briefing hall, majority of the drivers were already seated and the team principals were standing around in a circle, chatting. You stood by the door looking for an empty seat to take when you saw Charles, Oscar, and Lando calling you to take the seat they reserved for you on the third row. Your feet took a few steps when a hand suddenly but gently caught your wrist.
"We need to talk. You've been ignoring my texts." Max urged, eyes dead straight at you.
"Max, not here. Later." You scan the room for any eyes or ears that might eavesdrop as you carefully remove his hand from you.
Max takes a second to compose himself then tugs his hand through his hair. "Fine. Sit with me then."
"I'll choose my own seat. Thank you." You replied as you walk away from him, not giving him enough time to add more. Max's hand hovered uncertainly as if to stop you but he lets his hand limp
You strut farther into the hall and the three men gave you space to stride along the third row to take your seat between Charles and Oscar. Max took an empty seat on the first row beside Checo. He can't help but steal some glances in your direction during the driver's briefing.
It was hard to ignore Max as well. One good thing that your incident with Max has caused is that his scent doesn't make you cower in fear anymore. Knowing the reason why the dynamics between the two of you had changed, you mentally slap your pheromone-disturbed self from inhaling his lingering scent.
His scent wasn't really distinct before. For you, it was associated with fear or something menacing, but now he smelled so crisp like Cotton and sweet like baked Tangerine. Being that close to each other gave you a chance to actually distinguish his scent. Just remembering Max's small sniffs on your neck makes your body squirm, in a good way. It was nice and comforting. But it also felt sensual.
Alpha smells so good. Let's smell him once more. You mentally slap yourself once more, shaking off the tiny voice from your inner Omega in your head.
"I heard from Lance that you're moving. Where will you stay?" Charles' voice took you out from your trance just as the drivers' briefing just ended.
"In Monaco. It being a tax-free haven sounds enticing." you replied in glee knowing that it was the Monegasque who asked you.
Noticing the other younger drivers to turn to you after hearing your response, it took a moment for you to remember that a number of them were living there.
Lando perks up, legs bouncing. He leans forward and peeked his head across Oscar. "Do you know how to play Padel?" you shake your head. "We'll teach you. We had been waiting for another member to join our little club."
"He just wants to have the bragging right when he defeats all of us." Oscar chuckled, arms crossed on his chest.
"He even almost made Max cry. Have some mercy on all of us, will you?" Charles adds, further teasing Lando.
"I'll tell you when I've settled in. Maybe a housewarming lunch or dinner sounds good?" You ask. Lando quickly taps Alex's shoulder to tell him about your new residence and a possibility of a new member for their F1 drivers-exclusive Padel Club.
"I'm going to tour you to some of the best places. You still owe me a car ride." Charles couldn't help but smile at you, already making up a list in his mind.
When the briefing ended, all of the drivers went their own way back to their hospitalities. At the corner of your eyes, you saw Max hurriedly stood up from his seat on the first row and was about to make his way towards you. He noticed the miniscule squirm your body did when your eyes met. You almost panic in your seat but he came to an abrupt stop when he saw Megan pull you away.
Max tried his best to look for a chance to talk to you, much to his dismay. There wasn't much time for each of the drivers to get to interact with each other, especially during race day. After some of his media commitments in the morning were done, he went to visit the Aston Martin hospitality. He comes up to the small ledge when he saw Lance chatting with some of the staff.
"Hey Lance." Lance gets up from his seat when he noticed Max and greets him with a one-armed hug and a double backslap. "Have you seen y/n?"
"I think Sky Sports has her for an interview, I think. You know, the usual." Lance replies as he sits down. Max groans go unnoticed.
"Do you know when she might be free? I need to talk to her." Max asks as he leans his hand on the ledge.
"Maybe after the race? Her schedule's so full today. Haven't even seen her stay here in the hospitality for more than 15 minutes. Megan even got her shooting a lot of content for our Tiktok account."
"Megan?" Max quirks up his eyebrow.
"Speaking of..." Lance chimed in as he spots Megan behind Max, about to walk inside. "Megan!" She stops and turns to Lance's direction. "He's looking for y/n." He points at Max and Megan's eyes follow.
Megan thought differently when she saw Max right there, comfortably leaning on the ledge. It was in her overprotective instinct to assume that Max might possibly be a snitch or asking anyone in the team regarding what you are. She walks up to Max and asked him to come with her, already walking away without waiting for a response. Max was confused at first but did not hesitate to follow behind.
Max and Megan comes to a halt in an empty corner in the paddock, away from prying eyes.
"What are you doing?" Megan snaps around and narrows her eyes at him, arms crossed on her chest.
"I was just asking for y/n." Max innocently confessed.
"Were you going to tell on her? I can't believe you." She leans forward as if interrogating the driver.
Max leans back, baffled by the sudden change in demeanor. "No. Of course not... Wait, you know?" He tries to whisper.
She tries to examine his face for a minute for any sign of a lie but relaxes when she felt that he was telling the truth. "Listen, Max. I know she's been avoiding you but I need her to be at her best today. She needs to be on that podium."
"Don't we all?" Max scoffs.
"No, you don't understand. I need her to be on the podium because her health is on the line. I've let her be stubborn for too long 'cause she's in love with racing too much but I finally had her to agree, at last. I don't know what's going on between the two of you but please don't distract her too much today." She pleads with a serious tone.
Max hated knowing that it wasn't his place to pry. All he wanted from you was answers but it seems that even more questions are piling up. What does she mean? Your health is on the line? Are you sick? Are you injured? How is it connected to you getting that podium?
His inner Alpha was trying to fight himself.
Our omega... She's hurt or sick. Ask for more information. No, we're clearly told to stay put. She's not ours. Isn't it clear that she's avoiding us? Than ask her directly. Let's smell her again. No. Just shut up. Stay.
"Understood?" Megan asserts herself, taking Max out of his trance.
"Yes ma'am."
Megan waited for a bit to see how Max would take their conversation but left quickly when she saw that people are now starting to crowd the paddock. Max stayed in that quiet corner for a few seconds before going out into the paddock. There he saw you, sitting just outside your team's hospitality with Alonso and surrounded by a few cameras and staff. Probably completing a challenge with your teammate. His eyes locked onto you, taking in your smile. It was invigorating for him to see you having fun.
He used to feel so foreign around you. When he sees you having fun with his friends, it irritated him. His face used to turn sour when Lando or Alex hype you up.
There was something about you that intrigues him. You weren't able to race with most of them back then. Charles was a bit familiar with you because you got to race alongside his brother. Oscar and Logan had only met you once or twice and they had raced with you in a few Grand Prix but usually a lot of drivers keep to themselves and stayed in their own garages.
Then there's the big elephant in the room. You were an Omega, no doubt. After the incident in the elevator, he did scour the internet after his haze faded when he got back in his room. There were only articles about you stating that you were an Alpha, your achievements in F2 and F3, and also the highlights of your racing career. No scandals, not much haters. There were no articles claiming you have a bad beef with any driver.
For a public personality, you kept pretty quiet. Maybe that's why no one has discovered your secret yet. But that would be an extreme feat. To conceal your identity. What about heats? The horrendous and taxing schedule of Formula 1 isn't really ideal for Omegas. He recalled when Lando had to deal with Oscar's heat every month. When they were still unmated, Lando had to tiptoe around Oscar and avoid him when his pheromones were on the highest setting. How the other drivers reacted to him when it came around race weekend. It took them at least 5 months to come to the truth that they needed each other.
It was a bit easier for Oscar because everyone knows that he is an Omega since the start. They knew they had to avoid him when Lando or Oscar gave them a heads up. It scares him thinking that it will be much harder for you but it was also amazing how good you hide it.
Questions for another day, he admits to himself.
You were having a blast going against Nando in a PR competition when you spot Max walking through the paddock. Your eyes met and it made you nervous that he might come up and wait for you but no, he avoided your eyes and continued to walk. Your eyes followed his figure, relieved but also worried. Fernando had to call your attention to continue the challenge.
Your PR and media commitments were finally done and then, there was the driver's parade. The crowds in the grandstands were almost full and it was deafening. Everyone was screaming each of the drivers' names when they were called and when it was your turn to be introduced, it was heartwarming to hear their warm welcome. A smile so wide painted your face as you greet the driver while stepping in the convertible car and sat on the surface of the rear end near the deck lid.
You waited for your car's cue to go but you see it got delayed. There were a slight commotion amongst the staff that were on standby on the track and they were pointing to something behind you. You turn around and they were checking the car behind yours that was supposed to be for Max. Apparently, the engine of his parade car won't start again.
Fernando's car already left way before you and also Checo's. The staff are now pointing at yours and you see that the people who were talking to Max assisted him to get off the car. They were ushering him to your direction. Someone slapped Max's car number onto the side of your convertible. You now realize that they're letting you and Max share a car so that this problem won't delay the program.
The car shook slightly as Max climbs up the convertible. Max sees you scooting to one side trying to avoid his eyes so he quietly sat down on the other side of the convertible's rear. Both of you started to wave to the crowd as the engine of the convertible purred. Max would steal a few glances when you're not looking. Your body was stiff and awkward, in contrast to what you were showing the crowd, smiling and waving.
"Relax. It's not like I bite." Max spoke up just loud enough for you to hear under all those noise. "Just concentrate on the race later or else, you'll be an easy target for these guys."
You snap your head around and glared at him. He had this smug smile while still waving. "They wish." You scoff.
With just a few words from him, you find your shoulders loosening up. Slightly offended by his insinuation but you knew that he was just riling you up. It was also surprising that Max didn't bother to disturb you since the briefing. You would be at shoulder's length but still, he'd just nod when your eyes met.
The drivers' parade ended quickly and every driver headed for their respective garages to prepare. You spent the remaining time training with your physio and getting enough rest. The last program was for the national anthem. You make your way onto the track and answered a few questions for a Sky Sports presenter who was roaming and interviewing some of the drivers. You stood behind a grid kid to take your place and kept quiet. Right before the anthem was played, you noticed the female grid kid trying to steal a look at you. You smile back at her and she quietly squealed as she swiftly face in front. When the anthem finished playing and as you follow the other drivers exiting the track, your grid kid raised her hand to request for a high five. You gladly pressed your palm on hers and the other grid kids also eagerly raised their hand as you pass by them, catching the attention of the other drivers and the cameras.
You find yourself gritting your teeth and hands clenching the wheel as you drive the car in your grid position at the track during the formation lap. You look up at the red lights above.
"It's lights out and away we go, here at the Jeddah Corniche Circuit! and it's Max Verstappen who takes the lead of the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix."
With a good reaction time, you were able to overtake three places from 15th. You were able to fend for your position well in those crucial first few laps of the race. You attacked, you defended, you attacked, you defended. It was a constant cycle.
Max, who had started in pole position, lost the lead to Charles on the third sector in the second lap, won it back by the fourth lap and slowly and methodically pulled away for his second win of the season.
It took you only eight laps to move into 10th place, and only eight more to rise to sixth. By the halfway point of the race, and helped by the fortuitous arrival of a safety car that allowed you to make up even more ground, you find yourself in fourth.
"Y/n had played down her chances of victory from the moment a broken drive shaft ended her qualifying early Saturday and left her in 15th place. But that did not mean she had any intention of staying in the back of the field. Look at her picking her way through the pack behind her with ease"
Your driving style was aggressive and clever, a total beast on the offence. The journalists have also made note of your tyre preservation prowess. They have published a few articles after the first race mentioning that with your pairing with Alonso this year, Aston Martin can gain considerable confidence that it will be regularly able to take on the red cars and the black ones fielded by Mercedes too.
At around lap 46, Ben informs you through the radio that Lewis who is in P3 at the moment incurred a 5 second penalty. With Charles on P2 just 2 seconds ahead of Lewis and you tailing behind just a second away, there might be a chance for you to end up on the podium at the end of this race. You just have to maintain the gap behind Lewis and also for Lewis to continue battling with Charles.
Ben: "So, one more lap y/n, just bring it home." Y/N: "Think something happened to my left tyre." Ben: "Ok, copy. So Sainz, 30 seconds behind, battling with Russell."
You peek at your front left tyre and it was starting to wobble. You may have hit something on the track, possibly puncturing the tyre.
Ben: "If you go Diff-Mid 12, Sainz 20 seconds and gap to Lewis is 2 seconds." Ben: "Now 17 seconds. Now 16 seconds."
The car was already slowing down and the left tyre was tumbling around on its rim. Ben was constantly updating you but you did not bother to respond.
Ben: "So use Strat 5. 10 seconds to Sainz and 3 seconds from Lewis." Ben: "7 seconds to Sainz. 6 seconds to Sainz." Ben: "Maintain this gap to Lewis. 4 seconds."
You've passed the last corner and about to go on the straight where the chequered flag should be when you saw Sainz closely tailing behind you. With your feet instinctively pushing flat out, your car zoomed past and hopefully closing the gap with Lewis in less than 5 seconds for P3 position.
Y/N: "Do we have it?! TELL ME BEN, DO WE HAVE IT??" Ben: "That's it, y/n! You've done it, P3! YOU'VE DONE IT! Wow, you've done it y/n." Y/N: "Was there a flag? I did not see it." Ben: "There was a flag. You've done it though. Just stop. You can pull the car over. We'll come and get you." Y/N: "Fuck that was close! Sorry for the profanity." Ben: "Yeah, I was about to say the same thing. That was a close call. Too close for comfort. But awesome work, mate." Y/N: "LET'S GO!!!!! BEN, WE DID IT!!!"
Your team radio is now being broadcasted across all tv screens worldwide. As Max and the other drivers complete their slow lap around the track after they've crossed the line, they catch a glimpse of you in the screens. Throwing your hands in celebration, still inside the cockpit. When you got out of the car at the side of the track, you knelt down and pats the damaged tyre aggressively as if thanking the car.
You had to do your best as not to cry from overwhelming joy. You felt like you won the race for P3 but you didn't. It was as if you were soaring through the clouds right then. The crowds at the grandstands were screaming your name, fireworks were setting off in the background. That was for Max, of course, but it couldn't hurt to imagine that it could be for you too.
You were picked up by a safety car and your car was towed to the parc ferme. When you got out of the car, Oscar jumped at the moment to wrap you in a hug, Lando following behind.
Warm and sincere congratulations, pats on the backs and helmet taps too, were sent over your way when you threw yourself to your team of mechanics and engineers who were waiting on the other side of the barricade. You took off your helmet and balaclava so you could properly breathe and to revel in the sounds of your victory.
You were the first one who had to do the post-race interview, followed by Charles in P2 and Max in P1. You couldn't contain your smile, choking on your words yet again.
"Y/n!" David Coulthard calls out your name in joy. "That was an amazing race. You had your maiden pole last race and now, your maiden F1 podium after just 2 races in this season. Could you tell me more?"
"With the information of Lewis' 5 second penalty, I had to give everything on the table. I've never had a race like that before. We tried to maintain the gap but also had to monitor Carlos behind as well. It was a team effort and I couldn't have done it without them."
"Your last lap had us trembling in our seats. You managed to bring home your car across the line in that state. How did you do it?" David asked with such enthusiasm.
"I don't know how I've managed to be cool in that period but I just... I had no choice. Survival instincts came over me and I've come all this way. I'm not gonna pull over and back off to let anyone drive pass. I was thinking 'How can I get there with taking as much risks as possible without losing the car altogether?'. I still can't believe I did it." You try to take a few deep breaths after you finished your interview, still reeling in from that feeling of accomplishment.
Max and Charles pats your back as the three of you walked towards the cooldown room. The huge screen showing the highlights of the race, including your tyre mishap and struggle to cross the finish line for P3. Charles hands you a water bottle and you took it, not peeling your eyes away from the screen. If you only had your phone, you would take a photo of the small pillar with a huge number 3 and a small screen playing your driver intro bit.
The three of you are now ushered to prepare for the podium ceremony. Your feet was quick to move after your name was called. The crowd roared with applause and cheers as you made your way up the podium. You stood patiently on your step as you hear Charles' and Max's name. Despite feeling a bit flushed due to the adrenaline from winning P3, your cheeks felt a bit cold as you place your hands on the side of your face.
Your race suit now wet from the champagne being sprayed amongst the podium placers. Charles and Max were having fun targeting you, spraying the champagne at your face. They both admired your blissful smile and eyes filled with euphoria.
"Champagne suits you. Congratulations y/n!" Max can't help but admit to himself that you were an excellent racer. Your expression softened when you heard him and it's like Max's heart skipped a beat.
"Thanks Max. Congratulations on winning!" As if the champagne rain slowed down, it was just you and Max. The stage lights made the champagne sparkle, trickling down on both of you. He never saw anyone be so ecstatic in getting P3 but you made celebrating look so beautiful and graceful.
You watched Max's face as he shared a smile with you but not a second later, you could clearly see the horror in his face as his body stiffen.
"Y/n, your nose." Charles cocks his head to the side of Max, inconspicuously pointing to his nose, prompting you to do the same. Your hand crept up to your face and it was met by a warm liquid oozing down your nose. When you swiped it off, you saw blood on your fingertips.
Max was quick to turn you around, shielding you from the cameras. You try to wipe your nose with your arm but the blood can't seem to stop.
"Are you okay? What's wrong? Do you want us to call the medics?" Max whispers in panic, still spraying the champagne at Charles and towards the crowd below as he shields you behind him. To the people below and in the crowd, it was as if you're just wiping the champagne off your face.
"Relax. It's just a nosebleed. This will pass." You whispered, still trying to wipe off the remaining blood. The sleeve of your green suit now tinted red. "What the heck, it's not stopping."
"Y/n, I think the cameramen are now noticing." Charles' eyes darted to the cameramen below and above.
"I've been a bit more anemic lately. I think that's why." You murmured.
"When Megan told me that your health is compromised, is this it?" Max leans to your side a bit, still facing front and waving to the crowd.
"You talked to her? What did she tell you?!" You glared at Max, surprising the two men.
"Y/n, Max, can you two talk about it later? We're still on the podium." Charles cleared his throat.
You slightly nudged Max away from you, not noticed by the crowd, while you pinch your nose and cover your face. Max can't help but stare in concern at your figure. His inner Alpha wanting to carry you and rush to medic's tent.
Then the ceremony ended.
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"Y/n, come on. I haven't told him much, I promise. I just told him to leave you alone that day." Megan pleaded as she follows you while carrying a large box filled with your household items.
You open the door to let Megan in but you avoid her eyes. She darts across the empty unit, footsteps echoing along the walls, to place the box labeled 'Kitchen Items' down on the floor. You sighed, accepting defeat, as you drop the huge bag of items that you were carrying.
"Fine, but next time, stop telling him unnecessary information."
"Hey, your health was not an unnecessary information. I'm just glad you're fine now. I told you that your prolonged use of suppressants will eventually bite you in the ass." She rambled.
"Yes, yes. You gotta stop scolding me. It's been like a thousand times already." You groaned. "I got the podium and I'm on a suppressant detox. Happy?"
"Yes. I'm working on your schedule just in case it came early." Megan skips across the unit and stopped near the door. "I'll get the last box. You can stay here just in case the delivery company calls through the intercom." She exits the unit after you nod your head.
The empty huge apartment unit was now filled with unopened boxes. There were no furnitures yet but the anticipation of decorating your new home is making you excited. Wood and cured paint scent filled the air. It was relaxing for you but after a while, it's actually nauseating so you open the door to the balcony.
Coldness of the elegant granite greeted your arms as you lean against it. Your apartment is located in a spot overlooking the marina where you can spot plentiful yachts. With just a soft breeze, you could almost smell the sea. Even with your eyes closed, you could vividly visualize the city below you from its sound. The hustle and bustle of Monaco.
Closing your eyes for a few seconds made you yawn. You are still recovering from that horrific anemic bout during the podium ceremony in the Saudi Arabian Grand Prix. The team had to recommend you to a local hospital for a check up and was just given a prescription. You took a flight out the next day and went straight to "Moving Out" mode. It hasn't been two days since the race but here you are, renting a luxurious apartment in Monaco, about to live your best life.
"Looks like you could fit a head in your mouth." You heard a familiar warm voice coming from above your balcony. When you opened your eyes, there was someone peeking their head out of their balcony and looking down below at you, apparently still yawning. You closed your mouth in embarrassment.
"Max?!"
"Hi neighbor!"
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Next part: Part 5
Taglist: @laura-naruto-fan1998 @fanboyluvr @giffywiffy3408 @notyouraveragemochii @cmleitora @exotic-iris13 @topguncultleader @mirrorball-6 @barcelonaloverf1life @silscintilla @aquangxl @whyamireadingthis @imaddict
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popbubblygum · 4 months
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Can you do DKMW for Eren, Armin, Connie, and Porco? 🤭
NSFW Alphabet Headcanons
Fandom: Attack on Titan
Character(s): Armin Arlet, Eren Jaeger, Porco Galliard, Connie Springer
Include(s): Fingering, caught masturbating, public sex. Daddy/Mommy kink mention, Slight Porco/Reiner mention
Note(s): Hey look, I'm actually doing requests on this blog 😖 Also I do know that W is asked for, I didn't forget it, I just didn't do it because I don't have inspo rn. If I remember, I'll come back and add it for you! Minors DNI
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D = Dirty secret (pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)
Armin absolutely has a collection of very smutty books. Not just romance that has smut in them, but dark romances with pretty taboo stuff. Armin isn't into everything in the books, but he finds it interesting to learn and educate himself. He also likes the fact that no one would ever expect him to own anything like that.
Connie has almost slipped and called his partner daddy/mommy. It felt like it came out of left field to just use that term for them. It's just a kink he never thought he'd actually have, but he's joked about it a lot. Even if he's being the dominant one during sex, he still gets the urge to ask "Am I doing good, daddy/mommy?"
Eren absolutely has stolen your underwear. He feels like a massive pervert for doing so, but it's comforting to him in a way? Just the fact that he has something intimate of yours. Even if he's not using it for very dirty reasons, he just likes the feeling of the material and thinking of you. Would probably die if you ever caught him though.
Porco has definitely had a "what if we just fucked?" thought that randomly came to him while arguing with people. So many times, he's been pissed off beyond relief at Reiner and his brain just supplies him with, "Let's just fuck already". He's never said it out loud, but it's definitely a wildly impulsive thought he's gotten.
K = Kink (one or more of their kinks)
Armin really loves to finger you. He likes being able to see your face and take in your reactions as his fingers move inside of you. He's very intelligent and he can tell exactly how to thrust and spread his fingers to make you mewl and squirm. Pleasuring you is how he gets off.
A bit of an interesting kink, but Connie loves the idea of you catching him jacking off and then you take matters into your own hands. Rather you degrade him a bit (not too much though or his erection will die) or baby him and say you'll have to help him get off, he just really likes the thought.
Eren gets pretty nervous and loses his smugness a bit, but he also loves the idea of risky, public sex. There's just something really hot about it and while it does make him nervous about getting caught (especially if Levi is around), he likes the idea of secretly touching each other or trying to stay quiet in a storage closet.
Porco is so used to being an asshole to others that he can't help but be really into it when his partner acts like a brat. Rather he's disciplining them with spankings or what, he enjoys the banter during sex and loves when you try to put him in his place.
M = Motivation (what turns them on, gets them going)
Communication is huge for Armin. He likes hearing you talk about your kinks or giving feedback from when you've had sex in the past. The fact that you're talking to him about this makes him super ready to improve and fulfill your fantasy so you'll feel twice as good.
Honestly, making sex jokes with Connie always starts getting him excited. Yeah, they're jokes. But what if they weren't? Just say the word and he'll gladly make those jokes into a reality.
Eren does have a bit of self consciousness in the back of his mind, but when he hears you moaning or begging for more, it helps dim that voice and make him feel a lot more confident. So really, the sounds you make while pleasured really really turns him on.
Porco loves when you're being a brat for him, but he really loves if you ever say "Make me". Just those two words are enough for him to lose whatever composure he was pretending to have. Asking him to "make you" or "prove" anything has him asking for the safe word just to let you know that it might be needed.
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apomaro-mellow · 1 year
Text
okay yall convinced me to continue this
Eddie looked around and all he saw was black. Was this what death was like? He expected more people. But maybe death was just solitude. Then all of a sudden he wasn't alone.
He jumped back when he came face to face with, himself.
"What the fuck?"
His mirror image looked back and smirked. Then looked down at his hands.
"Finally."
"What the hell is going on here? Where am I? W-we?"
"Vecna is putting us back together. We can see everyone again soon."
"You mean...I'm not dead?"
"Oh we're very much alive. In fact, I'd say we're better than before."
As his mirror said that, Eddie felt a new energy thrumming in his veins.
"Why? Why would Vecna do this, I was tryina kill that bastard!"
"He wants something in return. To use us against them."
"Like hell that's gonna happen. I-"
"Didn't let myself get chomped on just so I could be used by an actual murderer."
"How did you-"
"Is it not obvious? I'm still you. But I'm the parts he wants to use. The part that's afraid of Vecna. Afraid of the world for seeing us for what we are. And angry at our lot in life. And ashamed for how we feel."
Eddie didn't respond. It was all a lot to take in. When his other self mentioned shame for feeling something, a certain face popped into his head.
"We're going to see him again. And this time, I'm going to take what I want."
"You put a hand on him and-" Eddie stopped himself. Not only did he feel pretty powerless here, he was never that good at restraining his own actions. "You touch him and he'll kick your ass."
---------------------
After his little stunt, Eddie/Kas found themselves tied up again, this time in Steve's garage. And this time with chains (duct tape boys? really?). Nancy also made sure his legs were chained to the chair and had a shotgun trained on him the whole time they talked.
"We're all sure he's real?", she asked, nudging his cheek with her barrel. She was the only one here to actually experience Vecna's illusions besides Max. She knew how convincing they could be.
"He's real", Jonathan said, a lighter ready just in case. "Steve and the others said so."
Nancy rifled through all the information she got when she received the code red. Something that looked like Eddie had returned. But it was very obviously NOT Eddie. Stronger, faster, more durable. And apparently was receiving orders directly from Vecna. He also apparently had a craving for flesh, having busted into the meat locker of a deli before being found.
"What's your game this time? Use our friend's face to trick us?", she questioned.
"Heh, it really warms our heart that you call us 'friend'. Guess quality time over quantity, huh?" He was smiling, like none of this was a threat to him. Knowing creatures of the Upside Down, it would take more than one bullet, but Nancy had plenty.
"I believe I laid down my terms with the others pretty clearly. I'll follow your rules, so long as Steve is the one to watch me."
"Why Steve?", Jonathan asked.
Kas grinned at him. "Steve's my favorite."
"Oh my god, shut up, shut up, shut up", Eddie lamented from their shared mental space.
While Nancy and Jonathan were handling that situation in the garage, Steve was trying to get a grip on what was happening in his house. They were practically running up the walls.
"Steve you don't understand!", Dustin exclaimed. "This is huge!"
"I don't see how a monster posing as Eddie is huge?"
"But they're not just posing. It IS Eddie", Mike said.
"We don't know that. Not until Nancy confirms it."
Will rolled his eyes. "Oh like she'd know. She talked to Eddie for what? A day?"
"Cut the sass. And if you can talk, you can move your hands." Steve handed Will the knife and pushed some peppers his way.
"The point is WE, you know the people who actually hung out with Eddie would know him better. We should be the ones interrogating him", Lucas said, actually doing his duty of buttering a casserole dish.
"The other point is we don't NEED to question him because we already know that it's actually Eddie", Dustin said. "Vecna wouldn't know who Kas is. Eddie's in there. And he's telling us that he's on our side."
"You remember what Max told us, right? Vecna gets in your head. He sees what you see, knows what you know." Steve took the dish from Lucas and poured some rice into it. "If he got to Eddie, then he knows what Eddie knows." When Will finished dicing, Steve took the knife and was about to wash it under running water when he heard someone approach.
"Is Mama Steve making dinner?"
Steve reacted first and thought second and the knife flew threw the air. Kas caught it easily and twirled the knife in his hand.
"Nice aim. Lemme guess, little league?"
Nancy and Jonathan were right behind him. Steve wanted to respond. Maybe ask 'what the hell? why isn't he tied up? Nancy where's your gun?' But the kids got to it first.
"Tell us everything!" Mike demanded.
Dustin started rallying off questions. "Are you actually Eddie? Just enhanced? Or like a split personality? Is it one that came naturally or one Vecna implanted? Is Eddie like inside of you? Can he come out?"
"All in due time", Kas said, walking by them all to get to Steve, who once again looked like a deer with a car coming straight on.
"We struck a deal, princess. Looks like we're roomies."
There was still at least a foot separating them yet Steve felt boxed in. It was the same sensation he got whenever Eddie talked to him and only him, but intensified.
"Umm, hope you like chicken and rice?"
Internally, Eddie was falling to his knees. Steve's cooking, Steve in the process of cooking, with his little chickadees orbiting him. It was a domestic scene too much for his pining heart and he was actually glad right now that he wasn't holding the reins. Falling to his knees for chicken and rice wasn't the best look for a metalhead.
"Eddie would love some", Kas said cooly.
--------------------------
Dinner was an odd affair. All of them trying to figure out Kas in their own way. Dustin and Mike with their blatant questions, Lucas telling them to cool it, Nancy with her more subtle line of questioning, Will trying to see if he could feel anything, and Jonathan trying to see if Will was effected.
Steve was the only one pointedly trying to ignore the man which was very difficult given that he was doing everything in his power to get his attention. His favorite move seemed to be nudging Steve's foot with his own, causing Steve to bump his knee against the table at least three times.
Eddie wanted to roll into a hole and die. He especially wanted to do so when Kas started eyeing Steve's leg, because he knew what was coming.
"No, absolutely not. He let you get away with this much. But he will rip of your hand for this", Eddie said.
"I think he'd let us get away with much more." So Kas went ahead and put his hand on Steve's thigh, making him jolt up from his chair.
So yeah, quite the interesting dinner.
After eating, they figured out a rotation schedule for watching him. Technically Steve was only on the schedule for six hours a day. But considering Kas would be at his house the entire time, they'd be spending a lot more time together.
The rest of them were getting ready to leave so that they could check in with the others, but Nancy hung back to talk to Steve semi-privately.
"Are you sure you'll be okay?"
Steve glanced at the mysterious figure that was masquerading as Eddie, who was openly leering at him while ignoring the children.
"I'll be..uh, I can hang in there Nance, don't worry."
Then everyone else left, leaving the two of them alone. Steve felt a little like caged prey. But he also felt like this version of Eddie wouldn't hurt him. Not physically at least. But that left other things to do to him and Steve was afraid to go down that rabbit hole of possibilities.
"It's just you and me, Steve."
Part 3A More plotty, fluffy, bit of angst
Part 3B Less plotty, more smutty
Tag team:
@jestyzesty
@mightbeasleep
@findafight
@spooky-mulders
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alpaca-clouds · 7 months
Text
The Nature-Culture Divide
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Something I have seen a lot of people within the Solarpunk sphere talk about and wonder is: "When did we stop seeing ourself as something outside of nature?" And given that I actually had a module on that (Social Geography, best module I ever had, given we had an anarchist professor!) I thought I could quickly explain this one.
So, the names come, in the end, from Latin and back when those words were considered in Latin, the difference was, that nature was a thing that was innate, while culture had volition behind it. You could change nature into culture by putting work into it.
Something that might surprise you is, that the idea of nature then was never quite big for most of European history. And let me make one thing clear: While we have these ideas also played with in Buddhist culture - especially in East Asia - the way we define it right now is a Western idea.
And that idea... Well, that idea came with colonialism. The thing many do not realize is, how much of the rules and "lines in the sand" that we use in our culture came from colonialisation, came from the desire to make "our" culture different from "theirs". It is shown in the way we eat, in the way we raise children, in the way we view gender and sexuality. And, yes, in the artificial border between nature and culture.
Before I tell you more about this, let me please say here: Yes, this is contradictive. I am aware of it. I am not the one who came up with the contradiction. White settlers did that all on their own.
When the settlers came to America they found a landscape very, very different from what they were used to from Europe. After all, Europe has been changed through human hand for at that point about 1600 years. (And for you Europeans out there: Researching how much forest your local area might have lost through the Romans is always a "fun" thing to do! Because the Romans destroyed a lot of European ancient forests.) In Europe, even at the wildest places, there was usually some evidence of human habitation - but this was not true for the Americas. Not because there were no people there, but rather because the people interacted with the environment very differently.
See, the European idea - while never quite that defined until this point - was really, really based on this thought that nature can be turned into culture. And that this transformation was in fact a good thing to happen. So, when the settlers arrived in the Americas they did not see "culture" there, only "nature" and set out to turn that "nature" into "culture".
Of course, we - modern people living today - do realize that indigenous people had in fact cultures of all sorts and that the actual difference was, that they just did not see that culture as something different from nature, rather than a part of it. Because their culture had not been influenced by Romans. But the settlers back then did not see this or rather did not want to see this. So they "cultured" the land, with the ideas about nature and culture being further formalized at that point.
It kinda stayed like this until the late 19th century, when Madison Grant, the originator of eco fascism came to be influencial. And now he saw something that the settlers until this point were unable to see: The indigenous people do stuff with the nature around them! They change it! For example through controlled burning of forests and things like that.
And this made Madison Grant very angry, because he was very much off the opinion that nature should be "unsoiled" by human hands. So... he made sure that those indigenous people got once more pushed out of the areas they were living, with the same areas being declared natural parks and no longer interfered with by humans (except, of course, all the tourists who destroyed it bit by bit). Leading... To a lot more wild fires.
So, where does this leave us in terms of the culture/nature divide?
Well, the idea has been there since ancient Rome and has very much influenced how much we view nature as its own thing. But within Rome nature was still not quite seen as the opposite of culture - as one could turn into the other. Under the Roman view an abandoned house or a field that was no longer cared for would turn back into nature, while anything could become culture just by interacting with humans.
The modern view really came through colonialism and the way colonialist did not understand (and did not want to understand) indigenous practices. This made people more and more drift towards the understanding of humans being an entirely different thing from nature.
But this is wrong, of course. We are part of nature. We are just animals with fingers and slightly larger brains. And many indigenous cultures understood this. In the end it was the greed of some that made us loose this connection to nature. And that is exactly why we are in this climate change related mess right now.
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nordickies · 5 months
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I'm curious, how do you view Åland in your head? Are they Sweden and Finland's kid or something else? How about Faroe, what is their relationship to Denmark? Or Greenland (I know for a fact that Greenland's relationship with Denmark isn't good)
Sorry for the long ask ;w;
Hello anon! It's not a long question! I just don't really know how to introduce these guys, so let's start with an oversimplified relationship chart, I guess?
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Quick explanation under the cut. I don't know why it is so scary to talk about my OCs publicly, aah
Åland isn't Sweden and Finland's kid, but she's significantly younger than them, and they did end up practically raising her together. I've been going back and forth on whether I want her to be their "kid" or not - but in the end, I decided to apply the same logic I use with Denmark and Iceland; it's some kind of guardianship.
To me, guardianship means person X is looking after person Y and being responsible for their upbringing. In these instances, we're talking about significantly younger Nations that have been juveniles for most of their lifetime; someone has needed to take the custodian responsibility over them. But because the relationship can be interpreted as parental or siblinglike (with a significant age gap), I just prefer to use the term "guardian."
Faroe, just like Iceland, was raised by Denmark. Except unlucky for him, he's still stuck with the old man. Faroe just tends to get forgotten a lot. He's a friendly young gentleman, the "easy" child in a messy household, if you will. Though he wishes he made more of a noise about himself - to remind everyone that he exists and show that he's indeed an individual. Well, at least he has Åland to keep him company, since they're both doomed to sit at the "kids' table" during family gatherings. And yes, they're the same age as Iceland
While Denmark has been Greenland's "guardian" on paper, they never developed that kind of relationship. She doesn't feel particularly close to him and for various reasons, she never adjusted to her "adoptive" family. The relationship is rough but they still try to make it work somehow. Nowadays, she's happier with home rule, slowly making her way toward potential full independence. Greenland, Kalaallit Nunaat, has been inhabited by indigenous people for thousands of years. But this isn't the same Greenland that would have been around during the Viking Age. I'm just basing that on the fact that the ancestors of the modern people of Greenland, the Inuit, came to the island from the east in the 13th century, referred to as the Thule culture, which replaced the former Dorset/Tuniit culture.
Sápmi is the oldest Nation of the bunch by a long margin. Because of this, she has acted as a mentor figure to the Fennoscandians in their youth and is often referred to as their "aunt." Sápmi's relationship with her neighbors has been extremely turbulent. But still, she remembers them as hopeless little kids getting lost in the wilderness, whom she taught survival skills. She sees them as her unruly boys but feels especially bad that Finland had to grow up so soon. She still finds herself scolding Sweden, who to this day acts like a little kid around her. Norway views her in high regard, someone he goes to with his worries and feelings. She's a nation with no state, but tries her best to represent her people and culture to the world.
Karelia is an older Nation as well, perhaps older than the Scandinavians. Karelia is a Baltic-Finnic nation extending from Lake Ladoga to the White Sea. She has longtime connections with Finland, Sweden, Estonia, Ingria, Sápmi, Russia, and Ukraine. But she has always been a nation between East and West, being literally split between them even to this day. Karelia's borders have changed constantly throughout history, making the region extremely diverse. Because of this, and her people being broken apart multiple times in recent memory, her identity feels a bit shattered. Yet it's incredibly strong, with colorful culture, traditions, and language - being unique from the other Finnic groups.
I personally think that Nations and their relationships with each other don't have to be 1-1 adaptations to their real-life counterparts, where every single historical event plays out exactly like in a textbook. History, culture, politics, and, most importantly, people's personal experiences and relationships with their country will always be individual even to people from the same group. But we also shouldn't completely ignore and sugarcoat history, thus downplaying or, in the worst case, contributing to the ongoing harm. So, as rich as the source to create OCs is in this fandom, it's also an endless loophole with no clear answer to anything. But as long as we're ready to be respectful, be willing to learn, and keep an open mind, I don't see a problem with it <3
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skubean · 1 year
Note
Omg hiiii. I was wondering if you could do a Saiki K request? Basically he meets another psychic that’s not attracted to him and she’s in the grade above so she practically acts like his older sister and fights off Kusuke AHAHAHAH
Thanks again💜💜
hello, anon! thank you for the request. i thought this idea was really funny since it's random but i like it a lot!! i'll try my best and hope u liked it! (i'm also really sorry it took me so long to do this)
psychic! reader fighting kusuke ft. kusuo saiki (hcs)
notes: fem reader, platonic, reader acts like saiki's older sis, just crack
kusuo was unamused, to say the least. here he was, listening to you rant about how powerful you were in comparison to him, in which he absolutely disagrees. but who was he to say anything? you clearly weren't listening to him, nor did you care.
he should've acted quicker when he felt your presence in his school, a senior a year older who was looking for him. knowing that kusuo could hear your thought, you told him to befriend you if he wanted you to keep your mouth shut over the fact that the both of you were psychics.
which is why kusuo is stuck with you after classes, and during recess (in which kokomi was not pleased).
a part of kusuo thought that you were one of the girls that were chasing after him (you were so offended he thought of you like that, the disgusted face you made was enough to serve as proof that he was wrong).
to add insult to injury, kokomi came across you ruffling kusuo's hair once, so now the misunderstanding just keeps getting worse.
tbh, you were doing it on purpose since kusuo was always so stone-faced and it just intrigued you.
in all truth, the reason you approached kusuo was to stop his older brother, kusuke from wrecking the whole entire world.
although kusuo doubts his brother's capability in doing so, he knows it's possible. he knows. because it's kusuke.
but what kusuo wasn't expecting was how much he liked having your company around, much to his dismay. having you around made him feel like he wasn't alone (in terms of being psychic)
and to be honest, you liked hanging out with him too! as much as he tried ignoring you, you just couldn't help but be around him.
and then the day came, and you had to face kusuke.
kusuke was 100% annoyed that you existed T.T like wtf you doing around my brother typa beat.
and you were actually right, the man was tryna destroy the world! so you and kusuo had to play kusuke's little game of hide and seek and eventually managed to win.
kusuke was amused, the least to say.
now imagine him tryna research on you bcs he's never seen someone on the same wavelength w his bro.
to conclude, now kusuke was constantly on your ass and kusuo is the least bothered by it.
your everyday life just got more crazier
-end-
a/n: i am so SORRY this took so long i actually passed out mid writing bcs i was so sick KJSDKSAHDK and then forgot i was writing abt this and im sorry this just dont make no sense T.T
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Text
mon ange analogique
headcanons of YJH with an s/o who radiates the same energy as him and reciprocates his evilness
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pairing: jeonghan x reader
word count: 3.1k
warnings: VERY SUGGESTIVE, fem!reader, reader is implied to be more dominant towards jh lol, established relationship, intentional lowercase, cursing, implied smut, mentions of svt members as extras, TOUCHY JEONGHAN, JH AND READER ARE CHAOTIC EVILS 👹👹👹
heheheh so you managed to put up with this man ?? good for you :DD
so you alr know this man is annoying but in like, a very charming way
the members totally were on ur side everytime you banter coz they've had enough of jh terrorizing them that they were so glad he finally got a taste of his own medicine
KARMA IS A BITCH
"jEoNgHAnNie, nUgU aEgi?"
ಠ_ʖಠ
tf did u just say
he gives you the response you want tho :DDDD
you once played mafia together in a group, with u as a mafia (unbeknownst to him) and him as a citizen (much to his dissapointment)
as lovers, of course you instinctively trusted and tagged along with each other
BUT WHAT HE WASN'T EXPECTING IS FOR U TO KILL HIM FIRST
his jaw drops to his feet with the turn of events
BOMBASTIC SIDE EYE, CRIMINAL OFFENSIVE–
HE TRUSTED YOU
HE ACTUALLY THOUGHT YOU WERE TOGETHER IN THIS HOW COULD YOU
like i said, karma is a bitch
it all came back to bite him in the bum
he knew you were something else, your personality that mirrors his own is very amusing in his eyes, he was enamoured by how you acted
very head-over-heels for you
whenever you bully or prank him, all the times when he pranked his members flash before his eyes as he finally gets a taste of what it's like on the receiving end
he looks at you like you just committed a horrendous crime in front of his eyes
oh yOu'Re bullying HIM now? HOW DARE YOU???
of course his competitive ass gets revenge on you afterwards bcs THIS IS WAR
of course your banters and pranks on each other are always lighthearted, he wouldn't do or say anything out of the line purposely to hurt you, and you wouldn't do the same either
however if it somehow happens that you hurt each other, which is a very rare occurence, it would always come to healthy resolve because you both talk it out immediately
you value each other's boundaries
he would pull your wrist and wrap your arm over his waist as he settles you on his chest
"there, there, i'm sorry jagi, i won't do it again." he gazes down on you and gives you a soft smile, his long hair framing his face beautifully
even if he's usually frolic, he knows when to take things seriously
besides, he'll never do anything he knows you wouldn't like (!!!)
humiliation for the sake of pranks is a big NO. that's just horrible
having ideas for dates and what to do while spending time w/ each other were never a problem, considering the fact that both of you have the same hobbies and tastes!
you want to try this ice cream bar downtown? he's been eyeing the same shop too!
he wants to build legos? sure, you're sitting beside him in an instant while reading the instruction manual
you're bored and you want to play chess? he immediately whips out a chessboard
your habits are very similar too
he cackled when he found out you also keep plastic knives in your bag
and you like taking care of each other and the ppl around you
everybody loves mom mode jeonghan and fears mom mode y/n
this also results to the both of you thinking the other is prettier than each other
he doesn't just think you're prettier than him, he KNOWS you're prettier than him
whilst you also think he's the prettiest. you would always tell him he's prettier than you
while the members also say all say you're a lot prettier than hannie (in which hannie wholeheartedly agrees on), you're actually equal in terms of this
he will throw himself at your feet if you're fem
but jeonghan also loves it when you express your masc side
he will call you "handsome" (jokingly)
you don't have to worry if ever you're insecure about how you're too masc or too fem or both
because he knows what it's like ;)
he believes everyone is free to express themselves
bcs he embraces his feminine side too <33
in conclusion, it doesn't matter if you're masc or fem or BOTH he is in LOVE with YOU
he's WHIPPED whipped
sometimes he's like a female friend when you're in dates lol this is so fukin cute
he'll clasp your arms together like besties while you're recommending each other skincare products inside the mall
a̶n̶d̶ b̶r̶i̶b̶e̶ s̶h̶o̶p̶k̶e̶e̶p̶e̶r̶s̶ t̶o̶g̶e̶t̶h̶e̶r̶ w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ y̶o̶u̶'̶r̶e̶ a̶t̶ i̶t̶
he'll ask someone to take your picture while he poses like the female lead in kdramas
he closes his eyes and intertwines your hands and leans his cheek comfortably on your shoulder
it's cute
when he's feeling a little more giddy he either latches on your arm and basically climbs on you to make you his human monkey bar while he howls in laughter
or HE'LL STRAIGHT UP WRAP YOU IN EVERY LIMB OF HIS
you do these to him a lot too LOL
when it's him in the receiving end he welcomes and accepts your coddling you with open arms
he'll even willingly submit to you and offer himself if only you asked
e.g when you suddenly corner him and close all possible distance while backing him against the wall, wrapping your leg around his waist and burying your face on his neck
he isn't even fazed because he's alr used to it he just resumes wht he was doing before (like fiddling something on his phone) for a few moments before he turns it off and completely focuses on you
instead of being shocked he pulls you even closer with an arm on your back as he smirks in satisfaction
anyway
in public places, you alone can already make men AND women's heads turn
then jh comes in
he's behind you in a poker face while he protectively wraps his arm around your shoulder as he towers over you
"THAT'S HER BOYFRIEND?!"
it'd either in shock BCS THE BOTH OF YOU R SO HOT TOGETHER WHAT THE FUCK
or dissapointment bcs you're taken BUT THEY CAN NEVER RLLY FIGHT HIM TO GET TO YOU BCS OH NO HE'S HOT TOO
BI PANIC ALERT 🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨🚨
and they see how much you were alike in the littlest things
u two are so versatile and expressive
although having said all these, you never clash personalities
u two r so compatible
jh would clown you for literally anything
but he would also absolutely trade anything for your affection with 0 hesitation
he even claimed that he would sacrifice joshua and cheol's lives for him to have your hand in marriage, to you also because you're the devil
NO, U
"you dumbass" but affectionately 🥰
in games when ure on the opposing teams, when you're playing against each other, you're mistaken if you thought he would go easy on you
he knows what you're capable of and it'll take the same amount of plotting to take you down
however when his teammates accuse you of sinistrous intentions, he will defend you
he'll even encourage your cheating lol
"OHOH, SEE THAT? MY BABY TOTALLY WHOOPED YOUR ASSES"
minghao who was in the same team looked at his hyung, (who was FKN CHEERING FOR YOU. YOU, FROM THE OPPOSING TEAM–) in disbelief, as if hannie was an embarrassment to nature
he was like "dude, which side are u really on ????"
he would let you play cahoots with '95 liners cheol and shua against him
the three of you would gang up against him tgt bcs it's payback time for how many times he's wronged ya'll
it's comedic how he can manage to stay calm under a lot of pressure and come at you like it's nothing, but he gets agitated when the members r stealing your attention from him LMAO
sk caught hannie pouting and slacking off while looking at your figure from afar
"how dare they ??!#?#@!?!" insert comical shouting text bubbles on the top of his head
cue angry snowball bunny vibes
he would straight up walk to your side of the team nearing you with the intention of retrieving what's rightfully his.
he throws his arms around you and drags you away to his post on the other side, and you're like "hannie why are you dragging me here my teammates are on the opposite side"
you're only opponents but you're still his, squishing your cheek with his own while his arms were wrapped all around your waist and shoulders, smothering you with kisses
you're very competitive yourself. so when the game gets heated and you're in your serious mode, the two of you get worked up going against each other
y/n: "let's do this instead. jeonghan would think we wouldn't go for the simplest way, so that's exactly what we're going for."
y/n: "jeonghan would try to ambush us from the other side because he knows the way around this course. let's go this way and corner him from behind and use his own dirty trick against him 👹👹"
what adds more to the challenge is the fact that you thought you both know how each other thinks
but you actually DON'T.
you two are very unpredictable
you're good at reading his tactics tho so he almost never escapes from you
taunt and mock him when he loses and watch him FOLD
EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
watch out tho bcs he'd be coming for your ass on the next game/round
you once betrayed your team just to face him head on
at the same time, jh did the same to his team cs he won't back away from you challenging him
ending, it turned to a match between the two of you
you both love mind games, which is why as much as it's hard for him to defeat you, it's hard for you to defeat him too
he gets scared of u sometimes lol
he thinks he's not the biggest enemy there exists in society, YOU are.
you're the alas of the team you're in. they know they're covered when they have you
altho it's funny when you think about how you're rivals in games but you sleep by each others head at night with limbs tangled LOLOL
BUT IF IT SO HAPPENS THAT URE IN THE SAME TEAM IN GAMES ????????
OH NO NO NO NO NO EVERYONE HIDE AND SAVE YOURSELVES
💥💥💥💥
jeonghan jumps in joy when he found out he's teamed up with you
everyone makes a commotion
"oH NO NOT THE TWO THEM TOGETHER–"
everyone knows they're doomed the moment it's set
yk how in playing team games svt purposely keeps mingyu, cheol, and hannie away from each other in separate teams?
they do the same thing to you two, forcing you away from each other
bcs everyone also wants you in their team/s
i mean who wouldn't ???
"JEONGHAN-HYUNG GET AWAY FROM Y/N-NOONA! IT'S NOT FAIR!"
cue dino and jun pulling your arm but your body is being coddled by hannie at the same time, as he's hoarding you to himself
dk get on his knees and clasps his hands as he practically BEGS you two to at least have one of you in the other team
"no can do 😚" jh wraps a leg around your hip while he shields you from his members
you're insufferable together
CHAOS CHAOS CHAOS CHAOS
they all call you "the devil duo" 😈😈😈😈😈😈 bcs HELL unleashes when you're working together
very partners in crime type of rs
you're like the chuuya to his daza–
ahem
with both of your analytical sense and strategic thinking merged together, you're invincible
you can defeat multiple member teams with only you and hannie's alliance
jokes of "let's dominate the world together, jagi 👹👹" every now and then
yes you two go and RULE THE WORLD
DON'T BE SHY SET THE WHOLE CITY ON FIRE–
he calls you the queen and labels himself as the king
roles can be reversed tho, the both of you don't mind
"jagi, i'm the queen and you're the king, okay? 😏😏😏" he leans to your ear and gently whispers while tauntingly looking at the glaring members from the other side as you two were sitting tgt
be careful tho, bcs there are still circumstances wherein he turns his back from you in games
in short, he might betray you to win
i mean he's still jeonghan after all
the key is to betray him first before he betrays you :DD
or just strangle him
W option
the members are always very hooked on watching how you beat hannie in his own game
bcs he totally deserves that
everytime the scene unfolds they immediately "😎🍿"
let me tell u this ,,
HANNIE FKN LOVES IT WHEN YOU OUTSMART HIM
he'll look at you with heart eyes, flabbergasted, yet at the same time astounded when you do
heart eyes heart eyes
you might have had unknowingly turned him on a little tho–
he has a lot of respect for your ability and intelligence
AND INTELLIGENCE IS HOT AS FK
but then that loving smile slowly turns into a sly smirk as he is in the middle plotting a new strategy to outsmart your outsmarting
which results to you outsmarting his outsmarting to your outsmarting
a cycle that never ends
*/inserts "finally, a worthy opponent"
he loves how intelligent you are. you're even most likely to be more intelligent than him
he loves his plotting smart-mouthed little devil, y/n
he's very thrilled, there wasn't single boring moment in his life since the moment he met you
PILLOW FIGHTS !!!!!!!!!
he cheated once and used a blanket to capture and immobilize you, and you fought the urge to slam his head on the headboard
"you– you cheating freak!" you wiggled out of his arms as he squeezes you in a hug
"oh but you love this cheating freak 😏😏" he gestures to himself and wiggles his eyebrows
the members openly babbles about how you were their 'sacrificial lamb'
bcs hannie's annoying mischievous ass gradually toned down thanks to you, because most of his pranks were all darted to you now
and so the "let's sacrifice y/n [to jeonghan]" became an inside joke between you and the members
everytime han's evil tendencies dart to the members, they whip you out and place you in front of hannie as a human shield
THESE LIL' SHITS
because ure the only one who can take hannie's bs and u actually fight back
jeonghan would galdly accept their sacrificial lamb tho 😏😏
from his own words, just who is he to refuse you?
we all know how clingy hannie is
lingering touches here and there, your touchy, affectionate nature applies when you're together
but not in a overexaggerating or overwhelming way (always rmmbr that it's ok to be clingy as long as u still respect your partner's space dawg)
he can and WILL bite your fingers when you're off guard
one moment he's fidgeting with your hands
and then he CHOMPS on your long fingers
you jumped in your seat and glared at him the first time he did this and the brat only laughed at your reaction
very funny
when u make out, expect a lot of biting
will bite your lips, your jaw, the plush part of your neck, your collarbone, EVERYWHERE
and i tell you when he bites, he bites HARD
mHmmm
he loves it when you do it to him too
pls DO IT TO HIM
there was a time while you were hovering on top of him and kissing his neck, you look up to see his disheveled state with his mouth agape and half lidded eyes, an arm holding your waist while the other covers his mouth with the back of his hand as he huffs in pleasure
😳😳😳
*blushes like a sl–*
I'M ABOUT TO COMBUST INTO FLAMES– 🚒🚒🚒🚒🚒🚒
hannie's clingy ass can never keep his handsy handsies away from you
everytime he sits beside you he chooses to scoot to you as close as possible on purpose, even if the sofa had more room and space for him to need not to squeeze you in the corner
he sprawls his limbs everywhere on you on purpose. on your thighs, stomach and face
sometimes he even pretends to "accidentally" sit on your lap, putting all of his weight on you like you were a part of the fuckin sofa
he'll say "oh, sorry, it's your lap's fault for looking a little too comfortable 😏😏" unapologetically
there was one time you had enough of him doing this everytime so you kinda just accepted him sitting on u
you leaned forward and hugged his waist in place on your lap while he hummed in satisfaction
what he didn't expect was when he was off-guard, you leaned toward his neck and pecked a kiss on the exposed skin and BOY
HE JOLTS LIKE A HOT KETTLE WHISTLING FROM SUPPRESSING HOW HOT HE FELT, HIS FACE TURNING REDDER THAN A TOMATO BECAUSE THAT WAS SO ???????? 😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳😳
he immediately went ↗️↗️↗️ iykwim
he's shinggi banggi boong boong banggi'ing his way out of there and shutting himself alone in a room somewhere🚪🏃
he couldn't sleep for NIGHTS
he also felt something shift in him the first time you meaningfully called him "hannie"
"you're such a wuss, hannie~" you looked up at him while exchanging banters and his grin grew wider, grazing his hand on your jaw, "that's the first time you called me that. say that again."
he tends to miss u a lot
one time in a beach somewhere in jeju during a summer vacation with svt, he was quietly chilling on a lounger seat with his dark, almost black shades on, while the members were noisily playing beach volley not very far from where he's sitting
he can hear sk and soonyoung's distant yowling everytime they miss the ball
he's not interested in playing because there's no "you" as his opponent
there's just 0 thrill when you're not there
he snorts as he imagines you intentionally spiking the ball at his face
hannie wondered what you're up to at that exact moment
he loudly sighed, "i miss y/n..."
"you'll see her again soon when you go home, hyung."
"you're right." he props himself from the lounge chair and grabs his phone while putting on his beach slippers
"where are you going?"
"i'm going home 👹👹👹"
"what?! jeonghan-hyung, NO–"
"jeonghan-hyung, YES."
the members held him down and almost tied him up on the lounger chair
that night in the hotel room, he fills the void of longing for you by facetiming you
the members wanted so bad to stuff both your mouths with pillows from how noisy you are while laughing with each other late at night on screen
of course it's done as a joke they love seeing you and jh having fun together
and the both of you are only doing it on purpose just to piss them off, you stopped immediately and let them sleep in peace after
the two of you are still mindful when and when not to fool around after all <33
they can never really get mad at u two
coz how could they? you two r literally their parents
hannie labels you as second mom of svt, the first one being himself
"make sure drink your meds, wonu-ya ^^" hannie gives wonwoo his medication "thanks, jeonghan-hyung."
cue you walking past them, your attention somewhere else, casually handing wons a bottle of water to help him with downing the medicine, while your eyes were on dino, nodding while listening to the story he's enthusiastically telling you
dino is obviously your favourite child
just– "dino, nugu aegi?" and he'll willingly answer "y/n-noona's baby 🥰"
"how about me, dino???? u don't love me anymore????? only y/n????? 🥺" hannie asks with a pout
all the svt members grew very attached to you that they can't even imagine hannie without u anymore
u and hannie are a package deal ^^ so cute
you're rlly made for each other
hannie gives you weird ass compliments that you would've found endearing if only it made sense
he would leave you confused as fuck
while he's in his pajamas sitting on the sofa beside you with one of his knees folded to his chest, the tv remote on his hand, he turns to you with a flat expression
"y/n if you were a dinosaur, you would be a velociraptor."
you respond with a perplexed "why is that?" and he turns away from you to go back to watching tv without another word like nothing happened, and without further elaboration following his statement.
he wasn't even watching a show related to dinosaurs
ಠ_ʖಠ ????????????
that's an oddly random hell of a compliment
was that even a compliment?
"yes" -hannie
one time on his birthday party somewhere in paris, after the bustling party ended, you spoke to him in private in your shared hotel room to finally give your birthday present
still bejeweled and dolled up in your black dress, you put on a blindfold on his eyes as you led him inside the dim-lit hotel room
the blindfold you put on him covered the entirety of his vision steadily
"y/n, i didn't know you were into this kind of thing." he teases you,
you narrowed your eyes and glared down at him despite knowing well he can't see you
when he took off the blindfold to open his eyes, he was welcomed by the sight of a whole life sized figurine lego set of iron man
he was in awe, he thanked you and asked you to help him build it together, which you agreed on
"this is the second possible best birthday gift for me, love."
"what's the first?"
"you." he grinned meaningfully, it's the same mischievous grin he usually displays when he's plotting something
you sensually ran your hand through his silky hair and responded to his suggestive comment
"i'm sure you'll eventually get that second birthday gift of yours later." while fondling his necktie from the button-down shirt under his tux that he wore at the party.
he contained his laughter and once again latched himself to you, "i love you."
you hugged him back, "i love you, hannie."
hannie always likes adding a spice of a little mischief to every situation, so he used that opportunity to catch you off guard and dip his finger on the frosting of the vanilla cake on the coffee table behind you to smear it on the tip of your nose
you widened your eyes and chased him all over and around the hotel room
"YOU'RE DEAD, YOON JEONGHAN!" you chased him acting like a vixen trying to catch a rabbit, jumping over furniture
pls manhandle him
hannie likes strong women ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)
yoon "i want a woman to kiss me and hug me😚🥰but at the same time, like in the bedroom... just rOCK MY SHIT U KNOW🏋️‍♀️just BEAT THE FUCK OUTTA ME👹U KNOW🤯coz i deserve it😇" jeonghan
you wanted so badly to punish him
an idea he wasn't against at all—in discreet
after wiping your nose, you tackled him on the floor when you caught him
he looks up at you, taking in your beautiful features, not missing the evil grin on your lips non-verbally saying "i got u now 😏"
he tucks your unkempt hairstrands behind your ear
"can i claim my second birthday gift now, y/n?" he tilted his head, looking up at you and staring at your lips, his eyes shining from the dim light
you wanted to punish him, you say?
let's just say... you did get what you want that night, with the help of his tie, and the flimsy blindfold you left lying on the floor.
napipopetake him to heaven 🔝
:D
hanniehae <33
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thedrarrylibrarian · 9 months
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Several people have been kind enough to let me publish their thoughts on fandom, community, and queerness to celebrate Pride in the Library. Today's piece comes from @tackytigerfic.
Thank you so much to my lovely friend thedrarrylibrarian for opening up this discussion. The thing I would like to talk about today is the way fandom led me to examine my identity and helped me navigate the shift between shame and peace. My journey to acknowledging and exploring my queerness has not always been a joyful one.
I came to the realisation quite late in life. I was in my late 30s before I realised that what I felt about my body was not just a thing that all other people go through. I had lived for my entire lifetime, for as long as I can remember, not just wishing but knowing that my body was meant to be different to how it is. It sounds silly, but it had never occurred to me to question those feelings, or to see myself as queer or trans or non-binary (I'm still not entirely sure how I would term it—I use genderqueer for myself, though nothing feels quite right and I suspect never will). I did spend a year as a child trying to "pass" as a boy (cropping my hair, wearing clothes from the boy's section in the shops, and so on), and as a teen and young adult I was part of a group of queer friends, many of whom were gender non-conforming, so I learned early on that I don't believe that there is any right or wrong way to look like, act like, or be a woman or man. But for some reason, it never occurred to me that the "should have been" feeling was something that I could interrogate, and maybe even do something about. I have moved around a lot throughout my life, and in a way my gender identity feels like that; part of my heart is always somewhere else, and I don't think I'll ever feel entirely at home anywhere.
Before joining fandom, I had never had a candid discussion with anyone about gender identity. I had trans friends who all transitioned medically, but my experience didn't feel like theirs. My body was just something I had to get on with. It was bearable. It didn't feel right, but I was used to feeling not quite right in lots of ways (I was a very emotional child who has grown into a melodramatic adult, what can I say!). It was only through meeting and speaking to all my candid, open, generous trans and non-binary fandom friends that I realised that perhaps my gender identity was something to be addressed. Initially it caused me a lot of grief. I had heard of queer joy and gender euphoria, but my realisation and acknowledgement brought a lot of pain. I felt stupid and ashamed—not of my queerness, not at all! But of the fact that I hadn't realised. I felt like I had cheated myself of my youth. Intellectually I knew that there is no age limit to coming out, but for me it felt like an impossible step to take. I raged at myself. I cried bitter tears at shows like Heartstopper, imagining what my life might have been like had I had that sort of representation as a young person. The first time I changed my pronouns in my tumblr bio, I had to log off and cry. It all felt huge, unmanageable.
Fandom friends got me through. They listened to my sadness, never undermined me, gently guided me through, shared their own experiences so readily and with so much candour and generosity that it gave me hope. Being so immersed in an online space where people's identities are respected and embraced has given me the courage to really look at myself, to know and understand how I feel about my body (and my brain, and my spirit, and whatever else makes a person themself!).
Before I joined fandom, no one had ever asked me my pronouns. Now I have that conversation with people in my offline life too. It's still nerve-wracking for me, but it's getting easier. I have forgiven myself for not understanding myself for so long. I have compassion for my younger self now, instead of anger. And I am very much at peace with my body and identity for the first time in my life, which feels so magical and affirming and, yes, joyous. I got there in the end! That's something to celebrate. And that is thanks to every single one of the people who were there at my side on the journey, the journey that this fandom set me on. And I am very, very glad for that
Thank you, Tacky, for joining me in the Library. I appreciate the reminder that there is no timeline on figuring yourself out, no one way that you have to feel about it. Thank you for joining me for Pride in the Library.
If you want more @tackytigerfic be sure to check out their work on AO3! I reread one of my favorites from them, Silverpoint. I think it's a such an excellent characterization of Harry and Draco, both so in love they can't stand it, and both unable to communicate about it.
🏳️‍🌈 Lots of Love and Happy Pride! 🏳️‍🌈
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asshlyyyy · 2 years
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Just The Nurse
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Series Warnings: Language, Drug abuse, mentions of abuse, mentions of drugs. Colonel not liking the reader, probably some medical terms are incorrect, mentions of Elvis' potential death, health terms, health issues, yelling, fighting. Spelling and grammatical errors are likely. Individual chapter warnings will appear as needed.
Masterlist | Previous Part | Next Part
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Chapter 4: Almost Lost You
"Y/n? Can you hear me?" 
Someone spoke to you, you didn't know who but... quite frankly you didn't care who it was. You needed to see Elvis... why wasn't he here? He loves you right?
"Do you know what today's date is?" Another person asked.
"What can you see?" The voices were getting annoying at this point. How many people were in the room with you?!
"How many fingers am I holding up?"
"W-where's Elvis?" You asked softly as your vision started to clear up. As you looked around, you noticed your family over to the side. Arthur..? He was out of the hospital? But- he-
"Elvis? What? Honey, what do you mean?" Your mother looked at her confused.
"There is no Elvis-" Your brother tried to speak, but you stopped him.
"What?" You started to shake your head. "Yes, there is." This was a cruel joke... it... it had to be. Elvis Presley existed... He lived at Graceland right off the main road... he- He exists! You are not going crazy!
"Her heart is racing, Nurse!" One of the doctors exclaimed as the sounds on the heart monitor quickened. 
"I work with him. I- I- I- I'm his nurse." You spoke to no one in particular. You were more or less trying to convince yourself that... everything that happened was real life. You kissed Elvis... You-you had sex with Elvis.
"Y/n, sweetie... calm down." Your father tried to calm you down.
"Where is Elvis!?" You raised your voice. You couldn't have dreamed that all up... You couldn't... it... it was so real... It was all real. Elvis loves you... he loves you.
"Someone answer me! Please!" You begged as your eyes started to water up with tears. You couldn't have dreamed everything was different... What if you were in a coma and it wasn't your brother??? Were you even a nurse?
"Y/n..." Your father let out a sigh. "Elvis blames himself for this... He... He hardly comes to visit you in fear that you'll worsen... He wanted to cut all ties off with you. To keep you safe and away from him."
"No," you shook your head. You didn't believe him. There was no way... why would- why would... He couldn't blame himself...
"Let me go," you commented and started to pull everything attached to you.
"Y/n! Stop! You're being ridiculous. You just woke up after a year-"
"A year!?" You looked at your mom confused. You were gone for a year! What if he relapsed??? What if- What if he was dead! And you were here without him. Why wasn't he here...? 
"No," you shook your head and pushed yourself up onto your feet. You stumbled at first, feeling dizziness but you shook that away.
"Get back down." Your father warned you. You shook your head in response and started to walk towards the door, ignoring the fact that you were in a hospital gown and nonslip socks.
"Fuckin test me." you spat at your parents and gave them one last look. You pushed out past the threshold and held yourself up against the wall.
You somehow made the whole journey outside in one piece. Now was just the hard part... Wave yourself down a taxi. You let out a huff and grabbed onto anything that could hold your weight and walked towards the street. You got weird looks from people, but you generally didn't care. You had to see Elvis... even if it killed ya.
You threw your hand up in the air and called for a taxi every time one came by. Some didn't bother batting an eye at you. You didn’t blame them... you were a runaway patient. 
"Y/n..." You turned and found Arthur. You let out a breath and shook your head. "I'm not going back in." You responded.
"I know, come on," he head nods towards the parking lot, "I'll drive ya."
You didn't believe him at first, but then you thought about it. He was your older brother and he always helped you... no matter what. So, you let out a breath and took his arm. He helped you over to the car and eventually into it. As you relaxed into the seat, Arthur started the car.
"I'm sure you have questions." He spoke up as he started to drive.
"Yeah..." You nodded.
"I'll answer anything, not Elvis-related. You can ask him those yourself."
"Well... what- what happened?" You asked softly. Part of you didn't want to know... You were scared to know what happened. Were you drugged? What- What happened?
"You got shot... attempted murder. Elvis was there and brought you in." Arthur answered, his finger tapped against the white wheel.
"Why don't I remember this?" You looked over at him confused.
"You lost some of your memories. The doctor said they could come back with time but... " How much did you forget? How much time has passed since everything that happened? What if... What if you were in a relationship with Elvis??? And, you just fucking forgot all about it!
"And... I've been out of it for a year...? What... What happened with Elvis?" You asked softly. Arthur let out a breath and rubbed his chin.
"He fired his manager... He took a break, only publishing the few albums needed. Even one dedicated to you." Your eyes widened and teared up. He had a whole album dedicated to you? And yet... he wasn't there?
"He only did a few handful of live performances. Mostly for charity... said he didn't feel motivated by anything anymore." Arthur explained more. You let out a quiet sob and looked out the window. You were close to Graceland... and as you did so long ago... you felt nervous...
Arthur pulled up to the gates and a security officer came over to you guys. Arthur rolled down the window and gave them a kind smile. You looked over and smiled at him. You found familiarity in his face, at least Elvis didn't need a new guard. 
"Y/n? What are you doing back here?" Joseph looked at you confused.
"That's a dumb question," you responded.
"Listen, Elvis said not to let you in. I have to turn you away." He said with a frown. You just shook his head.
"To my knowledge, I am still his nurse. Now, either you let me in or we drive into the gates." You threatened him. You knew he would simply call the cops on you, but he knew better than to be on your bad side.
"All right... all right... Let me get the gates opened." Joseph went to talk to the gate operator and the gates started to open. You took a deep breath... You were about to see the love of your life.
Arthur drove forward as the gates were pulled open enough and drove over to the front door. You didn't want to go in... you were scared... you should've stayed in the hospital... You were really starting to regret your decision.
"Hey... Listen... You have a lot of things on your mind... and... I'm sure once you go in and see Elvis... everything will work out. I don't know how close the two of you were.... but I know you guys meant a lot to each other, and I know you must be scared... But he is going to be extremely happy to see you." Arthur spoke, in hopes to calm your nerves. You looked over at him and smiled.
"Thanks, Arthur..."
"Of course, what are big brothers for?" He chuckled lightly and ruffled your hair.
"Get going now. I don't want to hear from you until you tell me you're getting married." He joked lightly. You shook your head and got out. You walked up the front door and gave Arthur one last wave.
You watched as he drove back out the gate. As that gate closed you knew you were stuck here. Sure, you could probably leave but... you were still in a hospital gown looking like you escaped the insane asylum. You turned towards the door and let out a breath. Do you knock? Do you barge in? You let out a sigh and brought your fist up to the door knocking.
You heard some muffled swear words and the sound of footsteps behind the door. You grew nervous with every passing second. This was a mistake... You... you couldn't see him just yet... but you had to. The door opened and there he stood. Your eyes found him immediately and he was wide-eyed. Without thinking he pulled you in quickly and closed the door.
"Jesus Christ, Y/n, what da fuck are ya doin' here??"
"I- I thought you would be happy to see me..." you said quietly.
"I told Joseph not to let you in, that bastard." Elvis shook his head and opened the door briefly to look outside. You grew angry with his answer. Had he really not care that you were alive?! And standing right in front of him?? 
"Elvis..." He turned at your voice and looked at you. "I just woke up and your head is too far up your ass to even notice."
"I-" he let out a sigh and shook his head. You felt your eyesight get blurry and your head started to spin. You reached out for Elvis as you felt yourself grow heavy.
"All right, darlin', let's get you laying down," Elvis said softly and brought you over to the couch. He helped your down onto your back. You looked at him with a sad expression. You thought he would be happy to see you. You thought he would pull you into his arms and kiss you, but... that didn't happen. Did he move on? You search his hands for any new type of ring... you didn't find one, but you found one hanging around his neck... an engagement ring...
"Now, why the hell did you leave the hospital?" He asked as he stood up.
"To see you," you answered truthfully. You saw his lip twitch lightly, but he fought it back.
"Right, of course." He shook his head lightly and sighed. "I'll get you some water."
You watched as he left you. You felt worse than when you woke up. The pain still lingered in your body, but it intensified... your heart was breaking... You had no one to blame but yourself really... You knew you shouldn't have fallen for him... He was your patient and... and you fell in love.
In the kitchen, Elvis stood holding onto the counter. He felt like he was about to have a heart attack. You were here... you were back. Yet, he didn't want you here. He doesn't want you getting shot again... Even after he spoke out about the whole thing... People... They still believed the colonel's lies. 
You were right next to him when it happened. He remembered it so vividly... It was the cause of his nightmares at night. You two were having a walk down the street. Hand in hand... then it all happened so quickly. The sound of a gun and you fell. Of course, he had a gun on him, so yes... He did shoot back. He didn't know if he killed the guy... but he didn't care.
He shouldn't have taken you out that night... You two should've stayed home at Graceland. He has never forgiven himself... when he found out you were in a coma... he- he almost lost his goddamn mind... But he wasn't going to be a dick and kick you out... This was your home too... He let out a sigh and got you a glass of water.
As Elvis walked back over to you, you sat up. Elvis handed you the glass and sat down next to you. You muttered a small thank you and took a sip of water. It felt awkward between the both of you... you hated it...
"Who's the lucky girl...?" You said after an unbearing amount of silence. 
"Hmm?" He looked at you confused.
"The ring around your neck," you pointed to it. Elvis looked down at his neck and made a sound of knowing. He removed the necklace from his neck and held the ring between his fingers.
"Her name is Y/n..." he said softly. You made a confused look. Did he mean to say your name? Or was there someone else who had the same name are you? "When I visited you... the doctor said that... you may not remember a lot of things... So... I took your engagement ring off... Didn't want ya waking up confused." He chuckled nervously. Elvis proposed to you?
"How long ago was it when we first had sex?" You asked him.
"Two and a half years."
You forgot a whole year's worth of memories!? You started to tear up. Elvis proposed to you... you two were going to get married... You let out a shaky breath and shook your head. How could you forget a year's worth of memories?! You just couldn't believe it. 
"I wasn't sure... if you would remember me or not... Which is why I took the ring..." he confessed and leaned back. You looked back at him and shook your head.
"I thought it was all a dream... falling in love with you... just everything... I remember us laying in bed after... ya know doing it... and then next thing I knew I woke up in the hospital." You told him. He listened to every word you had to say. His eyes attached to your own.
"So... you forget everything that happened afterward?" Elvis asked, trying to get a better understanding of everything. 
"Yeah... I don't... I don't even remember you proposing to me..." You said softly and looked down at your hands. You were angry at yourself... how... how could you forget something like a proposal?!
"That's what I was afraid of... I... listen, darlin'... I'm sorry... I- I should've protected you better I-"
"Elvis, you better not be blaming yourself for this." You sighed and looked back over at him. You did not want him to blame himself for this. 
"How could I not? You were right next to me."
"And you were to magically hear the shot and cover me before I got shot? I would've blamed myself if something happened to you!" You raised your voice up.
"Sweetheart... I don't want to fight please..." He calmed down your yelling. You let out a breath and nodded. You didn't want to fight either... especially because you just woke up and... well... you were still trying to get back into it. 
"Why weren't you there? Why weren't you at the hospital." You asked softly. "I couldn't.... seeing you there lifeless... It really killed me... It made me want to … ya know... I just... I knew I couldn't be there..." He confessed and shook his head.
"Please tell me you didn't..."
"No no… no... I'm clean. I'm clean for you... I knew that if I somehow went back into it... You would beat my ass up." He chuckled lightly.
"Yeah... I would've..." You smiled softly and nodded. 
"I'm sorry... I really should've been there when you woke up... It probably would've eased you..." He let out a light breath.
"It's in the past now... and you're here with me now..." You smiled softly.
"Even though you should be in the hospital." Elvis looked over at you annoyed. Sure... you should be in the hospital... but Elvis wasn't at the hospital... and you wanted to be with Elvis.
"I'm fine," you waved it off.
"Looks like I'll be your nurse now, huh?" Elvis let out a chuckle. You shook your head in response.
"In your dreams." You rolled your eyes and stood up. "I need to get out of this."
"You're clothes are still in my closet. I'll help you up." Elvis stood up as well. He still had your clothes in his closet...? You felt like you could cry... It was honestly so sweet.
"I can walk upstairs perfectly by myself. Thank you very much." You said and started to walk towards the stairs, grabbing onto anything to hold yourself up.
"Now who's the one being bitchy about help, hm?" He chuckled lightly and wrapped an arm around you. You shook your head and leaned into his touch. Elvis helped you up the stairs, with much complaining from you.
While you may not remember what happened before you got knocked out... it was like the two of you were never separated. All the love you two shared was still there.  His hair had grown since the last time you've seen him... or remember seeing him. You would definitely need to cut it. Let's just hope it would go better this time. 
After Elvis helped you up to the closet you noticed a bunch of your things. You were surprised Elvis kept them all up. You were sure he would've gotten rid of everything. After picking out some simple pajamas, Elvis suggested taking a bath. You were happy to agree... considering you don't remember the last time you cleaned up...
You didn't talk much while you were bathing, but it was the first time you saw your scar... a whole bullet scar... It... Well, it was kind of hard to see, but thanks to Elvis having so many mirrors... You were able to see it. You were lucky really... The bullet could've killed you... yet here you are.
As you lay in your shared bed with Elvis, you laid your head on his chest. Elvis ran his fingers through your hair and hummed softly. He seemed at peace... He seemed... happy.
"So, Arthur tells me you have a whole album dedicated to me." You smiled lightly. Elvis let out a light chuckle.
"Yeah, uh... It just went out a couple of months ago... It's uh... it's still at number one really."
"I feel honored... I mean... how many girls can say Elvis Presley has an album dedicated to them? None."
"Well, not exactly. You can say that."
"Yeah..." you smiled softly, "so... what did you do then?" You turned and looked at him.
"Hm... well, for the first couple of months I didn't do anything. I stayed home. Uh, I mostly laid in bed and tried to eat healthy foods... for the most part. Uh... I started work on the album after three months. Got it out after another three months. Then I haven't been doing much sense." He explained. While I wasn't exactly what you wanted to hear... he just didn't want to tell the truth.
He was suffering. Part of him still is. Truth be told... he just about lost it. On the way to the hospital, he couldn't stop tapping his foot on the ground. He was nervous... he was scared... he thought... he thought he was about to lose another one of his girls. After Gladys, Priscilla, and Lisa Marie... He didn't want to lose you.
Sure, he can still go see Priscilla and Lisa Marie... it wasn't the same. He couldn't lose you. He was finally happy. He was healthy... he was... he was himself. He was going to get married again, probably have some more kids... then that idiot came and ruined it all.  
He stayed in the hospital for a couple of days. Even when your family rushed in... he stood in the back. Yet, it soon turned into weeks and it just couldn't take it anymore. He apologized to your parents and left. Never to return again. When he started to spend countless hours in Graceland by himself... he.. well he went a bit crazy like most people would. 
He picked up the phone a bunch of times to call Dr. Nic, but he always hung up before he got an answer. He was dying... he felt alone... tried... he couldn't sleep without you... It's like all his problems disappeared with you and when you were gone... They came creeping back in. He would never tell you that though. He knew that you would somehow find a way to blame yourself for getting shot.
When you two landed in the next city of his tour, all those years ago, the news was out. You were out to kill Elvis... and boy were people mad. When they saw you all they could do was yell at you. Some of them got physical, yes, but Elvis kept a grip on you. He kept you in his eyesight. It was rough the first few days... but after a while, it got a bit easier.
Elvis shared the truth, and so did you. You talked about how you were his nurse and were helping him back to being healthy once again. People seemed happy with that response. Especially when the truth came out about the Colonel... sorry... van Kuijk.
Yet, there are always people who will believe that what he said was true... And this was showcased throughout some interactions you've had... While none of them really had a weapon on them... it was all calmed down after a talk... more like after an argument, with Elvis.
"Will you take me where you proposed to me?" You asked, Elvis raised his eyebrow but in the end, nodded. He could never say no to you... at least not anymore. Plus, you had just woken up... he wanted to be extra careful.
"I'll take you there when you feel better. You just woke up remember? Less than two hours ago." Elvis reminded you. You let out a sound and shook your head.
"Well... if we want my memories back... the sooner we start the sooner they return." You pointed out to him.
"I don't thi-"
"Who's the nurse again?" You teased lightly as there was a light knock on the door.
"Sorry to bother you Mr. Presley... but he just... he needs his daddy's love." Elvis let out a nod and shooed away his worker. He stood up and held out a hand for you.
"I have someone I want you to meet." He said gently. You were confused... He said that he was by himself all this time... Sure a new hire can still make you feel alone... but who did he want you to meet? Who was this person that needed their... daddy's love? You took his hand and pulled yourself up.
Elvis led you down the hall to Lisa Marie's room... only it wasn't. It was turned into a nursery, and as you got closer to the crib you found big blue eyes staring at you. Elvis didn't even have to say anything. You just... when did you have a baby??
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Mutual Taglist: @darlinboypresley @emmymaehereeeeee @venus-haze @austinstyles
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pureseasalt · 9 months
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as much as its obvious that carmy has a lot to process and go to therapy for, the same can be said about sydney. its just that shes comparably more well-adjusted than him and she's got a stable and an actually loving and reliable support system w/ her dad, but its been reinforced thruout s1 and s2 that sydney, for a lack of better term, tends to keep shit to herself. and i dont mean like chef/work related stuff because sydney is very much an open communicator about that.
she can share info about sheridan road (to carmy) or how carmy cooked the best food she's ever tasted (to marcus). sydney, however, keeps personal stuff very tightly in a box, all to herself. the fact that her mother's dead is only brought up when carmy asked her about it directly despite the number of times she's been mentioned in previous conversations (e.g., when syd told carm about the dinner w/ her dad). in addition to that, sydney doesn't seem to easily let people in her life. if the shitshow during s1 didn't happen, i doubt that she would've felt the need to talk to marcus in her house and engage in a more intimate conversation with him, thus allowing marcus to get closer with her. she was also the first to shut down the idea of hanging out with carmy in s2e1. and again, with marcus, when she sensed that it was going in that direction. and it could be read as her just keeping it all professional, keeping work and life separate and shit, and that is valid, but it is telling with the way s2 slowly allowed us into sydney's inner world (e.g., her creative process; her staring longingly at a mother & daughter at the diner) that her emotional baggage will eventually spill over to the restaurant.
i feel like her relationship (or lack thereof) with her mother is the centerpiece of this narrative. and i feel like her relationship with tina will somehow play a role in this because she's the closest thing to a maternal figure that sydney can have, given that her entire life revolves around work (i just want a sydney/tina centric episode ok sue me). like, sydney seemed comfortable with giving/receiving physical affection, but when tina hugged her sydney wasn't even able to return it (or it took her a long time to do it). she was perfectly fine hugging natalie back after she cooked for her, but with tina, although to be fair it rlly came as a suprise to her, all she did was stand there awkwardly, like she didn't know what to do with her hands. and it was quite a long hug. i hope that the writers can take advantage of this tension that lies dormant in sydney's character and just. go crazy with it. all im saying is i miss sydney adamu. i rlly wanna see more of her. like watch an entire season dedicated to her. have her personal conflict be the overarching theme that holds the other themes of a season together or smthng. give her a whole 10 minute uncut monologue.
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acourtofthought · 6 months
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All The Things We Didn't Say
There's a lot that's said in these books. A lot of lines coming from the mouths of each character that we like to interpret and hold under the microscope. But sometimes what isn't said is just as important. "You are his mate. Do you even know what that means?" "It means nothing" "It means nothing. I don't care who decided it or why they did -" This line does have a response and it feels in line with what Nesta tells Cassian in SF: "It means something to all of you, but for most of my life, husband and wife was as good as it got. Mate is just a word." "Because with that one word, the last scrap of my humanity goes away!" "With that one stupid word, I am no longer human in any way. I'm one of you!" Both Elain and Nesta are against the word "mate" because mate is a fae term and neither Elain or Nesta were ready to give up with their humanity (especially Elain in ACOWAR). But "And you are bound to some....Fae male. A High Lord's son"
"His name is Lucien".
In KoA we have this line between Rowaelin: "She felt the truth of his words echo into the unbreakable thing that bound their very souls." Elain protested to the word mate in the same way Nesta then protested to the word. However, Elain does not dispute that she is bound to Lucien which I find meaningful. SJM could have had her argue with Graysen when he said she's bound to Lucien but what Elain did instead is confirm that fact by telling him Lucien's name. In that moment, of course Elain's heart belongs to Graysen as they were set to be married but it doesn't change that she and Lucien will always be connected in their souls. "You couldn't say a single word to him? A pleasant greeting?" Elain only stared at the steaming kettle as she set it on the stone counter. "He brought you a present" Those doe-brown eyes turned toward me. Sharper than I'd ever seen them. "And that entitles him to my time, my affections?" I think it's important to note what Elain responds to. She could have said something along the lines, "No, I couldn't give him a pleasant greeting because he doesn't deserve one, I don't owe him anything." But she says nothing which indicates to me that she knows Lucien is deserving of some response from her, she knows she was the one in the wrong when it came to that statement. It's not until Feyre throws in the part about presents that Elain speaks out. Elain is responding to something she can argue against because Feyre is focused on the wrong thing, nobody deserves your time just because they brought you a present, gifts shouldn't buy your attention. "It would be an invasion of her privacy to track him" "You sure about that?" I asked. "Where did Lucien go." The fact that Az did not respond to Rhys' question and instead asked his own seems to hint that Az's issues with Lucien have nothing to do with Elain. Rhys doesn't seem to believe that Az hasn't been following Lucien's whereabouts for the reason Az gave Az refuses to confirm that he meant what he said. I hope we learn more about his problems with Lucien in his own book but to me this does suggest that his jealousy towards him came about before he actually considered anything physical with Elain (since he still looked at Mor with heat after this scene). Rhysand blinked. "What of Mor, Az?" Azriel ignored the question. And.... "So you'll what?" Rhys's voice was pure ice. "Seduce her away from him?" Azriel said nothing. He hadn't gotten that far with his planning, certainly not beyond the fantasies he pleasured himself to. And.... "If you need to fuck someone, go to a pleasure hall and pay for it, but stay away from her." Azriel snarled softly. THREE different chances for Az to say something, anything to reassure Rhys that his intentions with Elain were the right ones for the right reasons. A chance to convince him that he was over Mor. A chance to convince him that he had thought of ways that he and Elain might approach Lucien to have a mature discussion with him. A chance for him to convince Rhys that he wasn't only looking to have sex with Elain. Azriel's silence is damning in all three of these excerpts. SJM is very purposeful with her character interactions and sometimes what is said is not the full story when you take into consideration the missed opportunities for what could have been said.
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blueiight · 8 months
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I was reading your tags to dre's published ask. Do you think while writing about these blood sucking monsters, Anne deliberately made one of them a former slave master? I mean the way this man during his mortal times had benefited by preying on the black race and the reflection of it in his fate where he is now in literal terms an entity who survives by preying on people? Or is it like twilight ( movies) where Jasper's past as a confederate soldeir is just dropped as if it's the most casual thing to shrug away.
( something is up with vampire media and all of them being connected to slave trade my god. Either it is a social commentary or people really do not have any self awarenesses?
i dont know about twilight book or movie to make a meaningful comparison to louis’s book counterpart. i wish i knew. and tbh, its hard to prescribe authorial intent on a dead woman who wrote a sprawling epic of 20+ books for 50 years , especially with shifting perspectives , namely pivoting away from louis to lestat as her MC bc of what fantasy/POV was more interesting to her. but i think in the first book there was some intention there, i cant just say how much. lestat wants to hunt the runaway slaves along the freniere plantation, and louis discourages him from doing it not out of compassion for enslaved people (which would be condescending and abysmal writing for a slaveowning character), but for his proximity to the freniere’s as fellow planters. ive talked about it a lot how its really interesting in the first 2 books that the american planter is created both literally + vampirically by the european aristocrat.. and theyre both parasitic beings in relation to the enslaved people, eventually draining them+ burning the plantation down. iwtv early book louis is resentful of lestat in part bc he thought lestat wanted his plantation, but when he learns who lestat is + where he came from, the power and will he has. hes far more genial to him. its a very dark book, and i think the fact that these characters are so vicious + melancholic is intentional on the authors part. i dont know how much race based chattel slavery is meaningfully explored from the perspective of the slaveowner, but book louis thinking of people in his captivity as fixtures, as creepy ‘things’ more proximate to the supernatural bc of their ‘african nature’ (that had yet to be ‘trained’ out of them) is a very probable, chilling, and haunting perspective of a former slaveowner to take even a hundred and some years removed from it. or if we take it as book louis immersing himself in his perspective @ the time. either way. and its pathetic when fans try to flatten book louis into ‘he was a good slaveowner’ cuz at that point theyre just conflating the movie with the book. i kinda joke that book louis is the vampire it girl bc he was such a terrible mortal LOL. im still indeterminate on the exact mode or purpose, or how much it was just about the aesthetic of gothic horror (re: the earth’s a savage garden). especially bc later books fixate on very discrete modes and metaphors of servitude/subjugation ‘being a slave to the blood’ is a recurring motif running antiparallel with the motif of ‘purifying the african/asian/foreign’ (through ‘admixture’ with the ‘european’) (s/o poacher bro gabi + talamasca bro dave ig) and in later works, theres the cycle of slavery through marius & armand.. marius, whos mother was a slave, purchases armand. chattel slavery took inspo from the romans in the idea of maternal based slave caste inheritance.. idk. idk. ive had very long rambly convos w ppl on here in the past (& im still a bit embarrased abt it) on this, but i think the reasons why fans dont rly get into it is cuz most ppl got into these books at a young age + was just into the cool lore or the queer shit and were able to handwave things as just aesthetic/era/quirky anne things etc. idk.
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raelwrites · 5 days
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Disenchanted
The third part of the a/b/o au Cherik x reader fic! This part involves the three of them being oh so very awkward around each other, coming to terms with the fact that things have changed, and R having so many doubts about themselves and about the relationship the three of them have. Charles and Erik talk to some people to understand R better and... a happy ending, perhaps.
It has been a year, but I recently got some lovely comments regarding this fic so I couldn't help myself. There may be some loose ends in this chapter, but that's cause I'm holding some stuff back for the epilogue :) Enjoy!
Masterlist/ Prev Part/ Epilogue
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“You think they’ll come back, beta?” Lorna asked as she brought over a mug of tea over to you.
“They’d better.” Darwin muttered out, taking the mug from her and handing it over to you. “You were brave to reach out to them like that when it should have been Erik doing that.”
“That was the… bluebell scented one?”
“Yes.” You answered Remy’s question fondly as you rubbed at the mark on your neck. “I know Erik, Darwin. He wasn’t going to let go of his bitterness and pride soon. He’d mellow out in time, but we don’t have that time.”
“I dunno if I like them.” Peter said, munching on a twinky he somehow suddenly had. You wondered if you had a stash of them at home. You probably didn’t, but you were certain that one of the pups did. “But they’re your bondeds, so I guess I can’t really say anything.”
You furrowed your eyebrows at the silver-haired pup.
‘Do they feel off to you?’
‘It’s not that. It’s just…’ It wasn’t often that Peter’s mind had a lull. And that concerned you. A lot. You straightened your back. ‘They seem too invested in arguing with each other and- don’t get me wrong- I can tell that they both love you, but it kinda feels like you’re a little lower on their priority list.’
You hummed noncommittedly and beckoned for the younger omega to sit next to you on the sofa. With a whoosh of wind and the soft scent of snowdrops wrapping around you, you felt a warm weight settle against you.
You thought that yourself. Both your bondeds were stubborn and prideful, even if Charles would deny it. The future versions of them you had seen in- through?- Logan’s mind were more mellow. Simultaneously sharp and rounded. You wondered though. Was their mellowness and their overall softness towards you due to your death in their timeline? Without that regret, would they still… love you?
“It doesn’t matter if they’re our beta’s bondeds.” Remy said, as he moved to settled at your other. “We were with them longer. I doubt the two of them are the highest on their priority list.” His pink-red eyes regarded you. “Right, cher?”
You rolled your eyes fondly at the younger alpha and released your scent to wrap around him when you smelt the tinge of uncertainty in the Juniper scent he had around himself.
“Remy’s right.” You made a soft ‘oof’ sound when Lorna all but collapsed on top of Peter, and when her legs draped across your lap. You haphazardly handed Darwin your mug before you could spill the beverage all over the younger members of your pack. “I’m a little on the fence about both of them and where I stand with them. I know that I want to try and fix-” you paused momentarily, trying to figure out the best way to phrase things.
“The absolute clusterfuck that it your relationship with then?” Peter suggested.
“The messy divorce?” Darwin added.
“We weren’t even courting-”
“But they bit you, and you bit them?” Lorna asked, eyebrow arching as she looked utterly unimpressed. You could feel- by skimming at her surface thoughts- that she was unimpressed by them. “And then they abandoned you?”
“We were young, stressed, and we connected well.” Memories of the time back at the Xavier estate came back to you, and for the first time since Cuba, you embraced them wholeheartedly. “And we really weren’t expecting to bond, not really.”
Darwin made a disbelieving sound, making you and the others look at him.
“That’s what you think. We had a betting pool going on. About when the three of you would get together. Raven won, of course.”
“Of course she did. She knows Charles more than anyone else.” You sighed. “And as for the abandonment part- It was a mutual thing, I think. And looking back on it, Charles was the one to be abandoned twice over. Once from Erik, and the second from me.”
“Technically speaking though, you did initiate courting by giving them the charms,” Peter mused.
You shook your head.
“It doesn’t count. I’m a beta, and betas can’t initiate a courting ritual.”
You knew that that wasn’t a definite truth. You had done some research into courting rituals and habits of betas before the funding got pulled out. Before you were offered a job from Moira that changed your life. But the research out there said that betas couldn’t properly court an alpha or an omega so that was what you would tell the younger ones.
Darwin looked at you with a ‘look’ that you had be on the receiving end very often. It was a look that was a mixture of exasperation and disbelief-
You waved your hand. This was a problem for you and your bondeds to solve and not for the pups to think about. You were, however, very endeared by their concern.
“Don’t worry about it. All of you. What you should be worried about is whether or not you would like to attend Xavier’s school for gifted youngsters.”
~ ♥~
Erik would be lying if he said that he wanted to stop Mystique from killing Trask. He would be lying if he said that he didn’t enjoy seeing the fear in the man’s eyes as his blue skinned fellow mutant had her gun on him.
But Charles wanted her to stop. Erik didn’t doubt for a second that the reason the alpha wanted her to stop was because he didn’t want her to become a cold-hearted murderer.
“Raven-”
“Don’t, Charles.” Her eyes were on the human, and Erik could feel the metal of the trigger being pushed lightly. “You don’t know what he’s planning. You don’t know what he’s done.”
“We know, Raven-”
This conversation was going nowhere. Charles was too lenient with Mystique and Mystique got too stubborn and bitter with Charles. And as Charles was currently incapable of doing anything, and the mutant from the future wasn’t familiar with the Mystique standing in front of them.
He coolly regarded Trask and stretched out his hand. The gun flew out of her hand and clattered onto the floor.
“Erik!” Her voice was furious. And her natural scent of chocolate turned deeply bitter. “Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten what they’ve done to Emma. To Azazel.”
“Both of whom are still alive.” Erik was speaking to her, but his eyes were trained onto Trask. The man was too dangerous to walk free. If Charles had his mutation, he could have made the man forget them. Forget everything, but unfortunately, that was impossible. “And so are they.”
Though general, Erik knew that Mystique knew who he was referring to. Her eyes snapped away from Trask to look at him. Her gaze flickered to Charles, and although years had passed since she had followed Erik away from her brother, she still looked at him for reassurance.
His own gaze followed hers, and Erik watched as Charles nodded.
“No. They died. With Darwin.”
“They faked their death. Raven, they’re going to come back.”
Erik twisted his hand and commanded for a strip of metal to wrap around Trask, securing him in place whilst Charles and Mystique conversed for longer. His other hand was in his pocket, where the charm you gave him was in. The pad of his thumb brushed against the warm metal.
He had promised you that he wouldn’t come back alone. He had promised that he wouldn’t betray Charles. The inner instinct within him stirred for the first time since he had attended your funeral. His inner omega wanted to please you. Wanted to please Charles too.
A laugh tore through the air, and the scent of something chemical spread through the room. Erik schooled his features to not make his displeasure and discomfort apparent. He twisted his hand once more to cover the man’s mouth with the metal.
“Why did they fake their death then?”
“We all thought they were human, and you remember our hatred for humans.” Mystique nodded at Erik’s words. “They thought that they had no place amongst us. But-”
“Their mutation manifested after they fled.” Charles continued, and Erik couldn’t find it in himself to be annoyed by it. “They can tell us more when we get back to them.” The alpha stared at Trask. “After we do something about him. Logan, would you mind knocking him out?”
Erik paused and took the time to scent the air. Charles’ scent- a mixture of leather and old books- was more potent. Clearer. A hand grasped at his forearm and Erik was quick to shift himself closer to his alpha bonded.
‘Erik?’
Whatever drug that his old friend had taken must be wearing off.
“Charles? Erik, what’s wrong with him?”
‘It’s alright, old friend. I have you.’
“Nothing we can’t fix, Raven.” Charles leaned heavily onto him, and Erik immediately wrapped his arm around the other man’s waist. “Let me just-”
The alpha pressed two fingers to his temple and closed his eyes. In an instant, Trask crumbled in front of them.
Erik didn’t know how the charm of yours worked, but the only ones that could hear his thoughts were his bondeds so he would make an attempt to reach you. The charm you had gifted him was well made. It referenced something intimate that he shared with you. He could let his inner omega admit it. He had missed you dearly. Just like he had missed Charles.
The short time he had spent with you and Charles was more memorable than anything that had happened in the decade afterwards.
‘I agree with you, old friend.’
‘We spent such a short time together, and yet…’
It was your voice, ringing in his mind.
‘We couldn’t move past it.’ Charles continued as he rested his cheek onto Erik’s shoulder. ‘Ignore it, suppress it, distract ourselves from it-’
The marks on his neck flared. It wasn’t the throbbing pain that had haunted him every night. It was… gentler. A renewal of the bond.
‘It didn’t break,’ Erik thought.
“Let’s get out of here.” Mystique said, slipping next to Charles and helping him stay standing. She kicked Trask as she passed him. “Before whatever security forces come for us.”
~ ♥~
Charles fiddled with the charm you had gifted him. He could feel your mind within it. It was weaker than your real mind, of course, but it was close enough. He could connect to you through it.
It was a well-made thing. Smooth to the touch and in the shape of a manta ray. He knew why his was of this shape. He remembered the ambiance of the aquarium where he truly connected to you. He remembered the blue glow of the place and the distinct lack of other minds to distract him.
He couldn’t feel his legs. But he could feel the buzzing of minds within the plane. Erik’s, Hank’s, and yours. Raven had wanted to come, but Charles had tasked her with keeping an eye on Trask. If any governmental authority came to make enquiries… she could handle it. He trusted her to handle it.
Logan had gone off on his own, the future version of himself having been ejected from the past version of his body. Charles could only hope that that meant the dystopian future would not come to fruition.
“It’s your move, Charles.”
Ah. Yes. The game of chess he was playing with Erik.
He moved his knight across the board.
Your mind weighed at the back of his own, and Charles assumed that you did the same to the others you had gifted your charms to. He was simply able to feel you better, with him being a telepath himself. The best way he could explain the feeling was- it was like his mind was being embraced.
His inner alpha was the calmest and happiest since the past decade, and he could feel it just yearning to purr and tuck his bondeds into a bed and curl up between them. His inner alpha was done with licking its wounds and now wanted to keep both you and Erik in the safe boundaries of its territory.
‘I truly am sorry, Charles.’
‘I know, Erik.’
Charles had wanted to hold onto his spite. His grief. The pain of being abandoned and in a state that made him all too vulnerable. But now that he was sober and in the presence of one of his bondeds… he couldn’t. He had spent more time away from them than with them, and heavens above, he had missed them.
“Will you leave again?” he asked as he watched the bluebell scented omega slid his bishop across the board. And he was pleasantly surprised at the way Erik immediately shook his head.
“No, old friend. I’ve got too much to lose now, and I highly doubt that you’d stop me from doing what I want to do.”
Charles huffed out a short laugh and shook his head.
“And I doubt that you’d do anything that crosses the line.” Charles paused and squinted slightly at Erik, who gave him a sharp smile. “You’d tell me before at the least.”
“You’d make me stop before I do anything.”
Charles shook his head. Erik blocked him too well. Besides, he would never take away his bondeds’ autonomy away from them.
“You’d ask and I’d concede, old friend. That’s how it’s always been.”
“Has it?” Charles arched an eyebrow at his omegan bonded. “I remember Cuba very differently.”
“After Cuba. When I came to you.” Ah yes. Charles remembered it clearly. Erik on his knees, dripping in regret and grief as he begged for forgiveness. He half-remembered telling Erik to leave. “If you told me to stay, I would have.”
Charles didn’t quite believe him. The plane dipped slightly.
Erik looked at him, and tapped his temple lightly, silently giving explicit permission for Charles to look into his mind. Voluntarily.
Charles mimicked the omega’s movements and pressed his finger against his own temple.
The flurry of thoughts that hit him made him take in a startled breath. Erik’s mind had always been beautiful to him. But now? Now it was breath-taking. And he was telling the truth. Charles couldn’t explain in words how he knew, but he could feel it.
“Oh, Erik…”
Charles reached to grab at Erik’s hand, feeling the calluses gracing his fingers. He squeezed gently.
“We’re almost there.”
Hank’s voice pulled both him and Erik away from the rather intimate moment they were having, and Charles was not proud to say that he had completely forgotten the Hank could hear them both. And from the frown tugging at Erik’s lips he could tell that he too had forgotten the presence of the younger omega.
It would be more fruitful to continue this conversation with you here, anyway.
~ ♥~
“We could still keep this house, cher.”
You shook your head as you watched Remy shuffle a deck of cards. Darwin stood next to you, the younger alpha’s mossy natural scent tinted with a sense of sorrow. You reached to pat at his back.
This little cottage had been his home as much as it had been yours. It was the first stable place the two of you could call home since the two of you had fled the American continents. And it had been a place that you welcomed Remy and Lorna into. A place that Peter somehow stumbled to when in his time of need.
“It won’t be safe anymore.” You said, a little sadly. “Our scents are too potent here, and if someone found it and linked it to us…”
“Yeah, I get it.”
“Are you sure your… bonded would let us stay where he lives?” Lorna asked as she placed her cheek onto your shoulder.
“Yes, pup. I’m very sure. Charles wouldn’t turn away a mutant in need of a place to stay.” You reached your other hand out to gently brush at her hair. “I’ll come with you too, remember? So don’t worry about it, Lorna.”
“Do you think they’d let me stay too? I’m pretty sure they would, cause I did get one of them out of prison, but you can never be too sure with them.” He nestled next to Darwin and sighed. “I dropped by the estate a couple of days ago and it looks alright. A little worn but it’s very, very big.”
You felt a gentle tug at your mind.
“You’re always welcome to stay, Peter.”
You twisted your head and offered the men coming towards your little group a small smile.
Your eyes, of course, lingered at the wheelchair that Charles was sitting on. Guilt blossomed at the base of your chest. You weren’t surprised to see that the mobility aid was floating above the forest floor slightly.
You raised an eyebrow at Erik, who simply responded with a sharp, knowing smile.
“Why are you all outside?” Hank asked.
“We’re saying goodbye to the house, my dude.” Peter said, suddenly appearing next to Remy with his arms filled with suitcases. “Too much evidence here. And I don’t think we’ll be coming back here, like, ever.”
“Ever?” Erik echoed as he looked at you.
“The main reason why we stayed here was because of the mutation I manifested. Being around people and metal constantly is… hard.”
You would tuck away the fact that you went nearly catatonic during the year or so after the incident at Cuba. But you had completely forgotten that Charles could read your mind just as easily as you could read his.
He said your name.
“Later.” You said, rubbing your temples tiredly. “When we get back to America.”
It was a shame. This place was where Lorna and Peter made their nests. And those nests were the first ones you had been given the permission to enter. It had taken both of them a while to make them, and you had thanked god for your expertise in secondary genders.
‘Shall I, beta?’
‘Go ahead, Remy. The quicker we do this, the less it’ll hurt.’
The juniper-scented alpha flicked his wrists and a couple of cards- all imbued with explosive energy- shot towards the house, and you watched as the place collapsed on top of itself.
There was no going back now.
You cleared your throat and turned to your bondeds and Hank. You made your way over to them, and even without looking back, you knew that the pups and Darwin were following close behind you.
You stopped in front of Charles and offered him a hesitant smile.
‘I need you to help me, Charles.’
‘Anything.’
‘My mental walls aren’t good. At all.’ At your confession, Charles smiled as he gave you an encouraging nod. ‘Could you help me keep all the voices out until we get back to your estate?’
‘Of course.’
“Thank you.”
Erik offered you his hand, palm up, and you were just about to place your hand onto his, but…
The near unnoticeable scent of Lily-of-the-valley invaded your senses and you felt a pair of arms wrap around your waist.
“No.” Lorna said, and you stifled the urge to roll your eyes at the younger omega’s hiss. “I’ll bite you.”
The scent of juniper mixed with Lorna’s and you felt your alpha pup rest his chin onto your shoulder. You sighed when you saw Erik’s eyes sharpen and narrow at the pink-eyed mutant you had invited into your life nearly a decade ago. Your omegan bonded gave you a look.
“I don’t control them.” Was your response to him. “Unless we’re in a dire situation.”
“Leave beta alone, you two.” Darwin was your saving grace, as he grabbed them by the sleeves to tug them off of you. “Their relationship with their bondeds is more complicated than you think.”
Well. That was the understatement of the decade. And you still had no idea what the three of you had with each other.
~ ♥~
You fiddled with the charms of your bracelet as you walked about the estate. You were absentmindedly brushing against the surface of your little group, making sure that they were all content with being here.
Darwin slipped into the estate with a familiarity that reflected his previous time here, and you could feel that he was glad in some way to be back. Peter’s thoughts were quick and curious, and as he had some experience with both of your bondeds, you didn’t worry too much about him. Remy went with the flow often, and although there was a hint of apprehension lingering in his mind, you could tell that he wasn’t too worried.
You worried about Lorna, though. She was fiercely cautious and wary of everyone that wasn’t part of the group you had acquired, and you worried that she would be needlessly tense here.
It appeared as though Lorna took after Erik more than Peter did.
‘What?’
You winced. You had completely forgotten that you weren’t the only telepath here.
‘Don’t ask, Charles.’
‘What do you mean, don’t ask? How could I not?’ A pause. ‘Does Erik know?’
‘No. Lorna and Peter are also oblivious to it, and I’m not planning on telling them any time soon.’ You followed the faint chocolate-y scent that Raven often left behind. ‘It’s not my secret to reveal. And it might be better for all of them this way.’
‘Beta-’
Your inner instinct startled at the way Charles referred to you. Maybe it was expecting bitterness to tint the title. Maybe it wasn’t really expecting to be referred to in such a… commanding tone.
His tone softened as he said your name in your mind instead.
‘Can we shelf this conversation for later, Charles?’ You rubbed the bridge of your nose tiredly. ‘I have to go see Raven, and we have to figure out what to do with Trask. We also have to have that conversation.’
About the bond, the fact that the three of you were bondeds, and how the whole dynamic would work.
‘If that’s what you want.’
‘Thanks, Charles.’
The telepathic conversation ended there, and just in time too, as Raven rounded the corner in her natural blue form, her arms crossed as she regarded you with a coolness you hadn’t even seen from her when you first met her.
You instinctively bared your throat at her, slipping into the role of a beta far too easily when the discontent scent of an alpha hit you. This was Raven, the girl who had hugged you and demanded that Charles take you with them to the estate after Shaw’s attack at the compound, but this was also Mystique, who had spent a decade following the radical ideals of the mutant Brotherhood.
It was similar to how you weren’t the soft-spoken beta professional a decade ago. How you weren’t as… innocent as you were back then.
You didn’t know how to speak to her.
It was a silent standstill, and you didn’t dare to touch her mind. She had shields far stronger than yours up anyway, considering her longer experience being around a telepath.
The chocolate scent sweetened slightly as she relaxed her posture.
“So, you’re a mutant?”
You smiled and allowed the tension to seep away from your body. You nodded.
“I think I had the gene, but that specific criteria had to be met to trigger it.”
“Bonding?”
“To other mutants, yes. But Hank’s planning on running some tests to figure out what’s really happened.”
She reached to grasp at your shoulder, and her yellow eyes gazed into your own deeply. Her fingers dug into your flesh, but you didn’t find the sensation to be uncomfortable or painful. It was simply a reminder- to you or to herself, you didn’t know- that you were here with her.
“I heard what happened from Charles and Hank.” She offered you a smile, just like she had done so a decade ago. “Thank you.”
You smiled back at her.
“We may not have parted in the best of ways, but I consider you a friend, Raven. I couldn’t let you be used and experimented on.”
“You aren’t a friend, beta.” You flinched at her words, opening your mouth to retract your previous sentence, but Raven shot you a look which made you close your mouth quickly. “You’re bonded to Charles- you’re practically family.”
The knot that you didn’t know you had resting within your ribcage loosened. You laughed lightly and removed her hand from your shoulder to hold it in your own.
“Do you want to come and watch as I have a word with Trask, alpha?”
Her smile turned sharp and downright dangerous.
“It would be my pleasure, beta.”
~ ♥~
Charles looked a little absentminded. Erik noted the vacant look in his eyes and the way he startled when he placed his hand onto the other man’s shoulder. When Erik asked, he simply shook his head and smiled at him.
You had been wound up the whole plane trip back to Charles’ estate. Quiet, and fretting about the young… pups. Erik didn’t know what he felt, when he could smell their scents on you more than his and Charles’.
Was it regret or was it jealousy?
“You’re just in time for the show.”
Mystique’s words were rather excited, and that successfully pulled him out of whatever thoughts his inner omega was pushing into his consciousness.
“What show, Raven?”
Erik opted to release his control over Charles’ wheelchair as he walked closer to the one-way glass that allowed the three of them to see you sitting in front of Trask, your back against them.
Mystique didn’t answer Charles, and instead pressed a button, a sharp grin gracing her features.
“-you. You’re the one our security cameras captured. The mutant with so many powers.”
Through the cracking of the speakers, Erik could hear you hum softly.
“Alloy bullets were a nice touch, weren’t they?” The human asked, so vindictive despite the situation he was in. “How many times were you shot with them, beta?”
At the clearly condescending tone of your secondary gender, Charles snarled. Which was rather surprising. Erik hissed lowly and grit his teeth together.
“A couple of times. Nothing too serious though. I was worth more alive, weren’t I?” You shifted your torso slightly. “I saw your files, Trask. I know what you wanted to do with my genes.”
The displeased sounds grew louder, and Erik wasn’t quite sure if that was because of the sound ripping from his throat or Charles’. Maybe even Raven’s.
“A shame. We could have figured out how to apply that gene of yours to other people. Give them power beyond the limits of humanity. You could have been a pioneer.”
‘Breathe, Erik.’
Erik noticed that the metal of the room started to curve and crumple. He took in a deep breath and released his hand, which had unconsciously formed a fist.
You sighed.
“I’m not here to talk to you about what could have beens. Nor am I here to indulge you in your delusional ideas.” You leaned forwards, and Erik watched as the metal within the room started to vibrate. “I’m here to convince you to confess your crimes. To give up your research.”
“How would you do that? The moment I am inevitably released from this place, I will be asking for more funding to eradicate your kind. You did kidnap me, after all.”
“I can make you.”
Charles inhaled sharply, and Erik knew instantly that he didn’t approve.
But Erik did.
“A simple thought planted here, a mental nudge there…” Erik couldn’t see your face, but the morphing of Trask’s smug expression into something of fear made him feel… delighted. “And you’d go to the authorities yourself to confess your sins.”
Erik glanced at Charles and saw that his old friend had his fingers pressed against his temple, his eyes closed and eyebrows furrowed.
“Charles?”
“Hush, Erik. I’m concentrating. It’s been a while since I’ve properly used this aspect of my abilities.”
He looked at Mystique for confirmation that Charles was doing what he thought the other man was doing. She simply shrugged at him.
“Charles isn’t the naïve fool you make him to be, Erik.” She tilted her chin up to refer to said man. “He’s still pack alpha.” Whilst Erik was aware of that fact, it was an entirely different experience, seeing one of his bondeds’ eyes shift golden. “He was worse when we were younger.”
“And you’ll forget everything about us too,” you said as you waved your hand slightly.
And before he knew it, Trask’s face slammed onto the table. You sighed and stood up, stumbling slightly when you took a step. Erik extended a hand and had the metal chair move closer to you.
“Didn’t they say that their abilities are direct imitations of ours?” Erik asked, more to himself than anything.
“For making people forget things and vague orders targeting many minds, they’re very adept. But targeted control and persuasion requires… more experience. More precision.” Charles looked up at him, and Erik noted that his eyes were still golden. “They couldn’t have convinced Trask alone, and neither could I.”
“Trask won’t be an issue anymore?”
“He won’t hurt us. Not now, and certainly not in the future.”
“That doesn’t mean the danger’s gone, though.” You said, and Erik was quick to move by your side. His hand curling around your waist as he truly breathed in your scent. He dipped his face to press it against your shoulder, his inner omega surfacing with the need to smother you in his scent. Your hand reached up to caress his cheek. “Trask’s only… one of the heads of a hydra. There’ll always be something that poses a danger to you.”
“To us.”
“…Right.” You regarded Mystique with an expression that he couldn’t interpret. “To us.”
~ ♥~
A couple of weeks had passed, and despite your promise to talk to your bondeds about things, you found yourself avoiding them for some strange reason. You wanted to talk to them properly. You wanted to grab the promises of comfort and love that the alpha and the omega were clearly offering you.
But your inner instinct clearly wasn’t willing to cooperate with your logical side.
As the school had reopened, students came back and thus the younger pups you had taken under your wing were interacting and forming friendships with other students their age. You didn’t seek them out though, fully knowing that they needed this.
You yourself offered your experience as an expert in secondary gender studies and Charles was all too happy to have you work at the school as a counsellor of a sort. Considering the fact that there was a much higher percentage of alphas and omegas in the mutant population.
You looked at the mirror in your room- the same one you had a decade ago, preserved just the way you had left it before the crisis in Cuba- and sighed.
“What’s wrong with you?” You asked yourself, knowing that your reflection wouldn’t answer. “You missed them, didn’t you? You want to be with them. That’s why you gave them the charms.”
There was something wrong with you. You weren’t normal, not by human standards, not by mutant ones, and certainly not by betan ones.
You felt a graze at your mind, and reflexively, you brought a wall up. You knew that Charles could break through them easily, but this was your way of warning him to not prod at them.
You tore your eyes away from the mirror and found your way over to your desk. Looking at piles of papers of research that you had set aside a long, long time ago. When you were more interested in making the lives of betas easier. To get the rest of the world to see that betas were needed in a pack. That they benefited from pack bonds. That no harm came to the bonded of a beta if a mating bond did form.
You laughed lightly and shoved those papers away. That was the goal of a you that was younger and more hopeful. A you that had dreams and ambitions to change the world.
Not you now, who was doubtful of the beliefs the past you had held.
~ ♥~
“Here’s the thing, Lehnsherr.” Erik turned his attention to where the voice of the fellow metallokinetic who had walked up to him after the last of the afternoon lessons ended, twirling a charm around in the palm of her hand. “You don’t know them.”
His inner omega- coiled and tense from the way it picked up your deliberate avoidance of both him and Charles- made him snarl, but she didn’t flinch. She instead leaned against the wall near him and grinned.
Erik wasn’t quite sure what made her talk to him, considering the actively hostile demeanour she exhibited towards him ever since that charged reunion with you.
“Elaborate.”
“I know them.” Erik knew this, and he had inferred that Lorna in particular was fiercely cautious of anyone that came near you. Which rubbed him the wrong way. “And there’s a couple of things that you either don’t know-” her expression shifted into something colder- “or you know and are ignoring it. For your sake, I hope it’s the former.”
“They don’t think of themselves to be a mutant, but they don’t think that they’re human either.”
Erik tilted his head. But you were a mutant now. That’s all that mattered. You were like him and Charles.
As if she had telepathic abilities of her own, she rolled her eyes and pocketed the charm before crossing her arms.
“I’ve heard of the Cuban crisis. I’ve heard of how you felt- or feel- about non-mutants. It was mainly from them though.”
“What is it that you want to tell me, Lorna?”
“They probably think that you’re only willing to reinitiate the bond only because they turned out to be a mutant. Not because you actually like them.”
His blunt question was answered with an equally blunt answer. But you wouldn’t really think that.    
Would you?
Your scent was as comforting and soft as before, and you hadn’t voiced anything. You avoided both him and Charles, but when you did interact with them, you acted like you had always acted. Teasing, indulging, but firm when it was needed.
He opted to stay silent, not wanting his more personal life to be exposed to a student. Not even one that you were personally invested in. She wasn’t deterred by his silence.
“You confused them, and I don’t think you made anything clear to them.”
“Lorna!”
“That’s just some food for thought. Remy’s calling me, so I’ll leave you with that.”
Erik couldn’t do anything but watch as the green haired omega disappeared from his view.
~ ♥~
“What’s your diagnosis, doc?”
“Beta, you’re a doctor too.” Hank was bluer and furrier than you remembered, but the citrussy scent of oranges remained the same. He flicked through the papers on the clipboard as you rolled your sleeve back down. “You do have the X-gene, and it looks to be very similar to the gene of a copycat’s.”
“A copycat’s?”
Hank nodded, his eyes still on the report in his hands.
“There was an older mutant that could mimic the mutations of others. It wasn’t anything permanent, but his genes had some characteristics that yours show.” He looked up at you. “But unlike his, yours is more stable.”
“So my hypothesis is correct?” You asked, opening a hand to silently ask for the report. The omega handed it to you. “The bonds did change me. Or… they triggered something to kick start it.”
“That seems to be the case.”
You wondered if the gene would have been triggered by any bond or if it had to be triggered by a bond- or bonds- with those with the X-gene.
Your hand grazed at the mark on your neck as you absentmindedly read through the graphs and words on the pieces of paper.
“He missed you, you know.”
“…I gathered.”
“No. You don’t know, beta.” Your eyes immediately landed on Hank when you heard the edge in his tone. When you smelt the chemical burn of bleach overtake the orange. “You really don’t.”
“The… perceived death of a bonded is bound to impact anyone.” Your words sounded clinical, even to yourself. You paused, trying to gather your thoughts, but Hank gestured for you to continue. “It’s just- I didn’t think it’d impact him that much. Or for that long.”
“You’re one of his bondeds.”
Thank God Charles and Raven were out for a talk at a university today. You really didn’t want him to listen in on this.
“He’s an alpha. And his omegan bonded was well and alive. Albeit estranged.”
“Do you think Charles cares about secondary genders?”
You pursed your lips. The alpha was the first one you spoke to about your insecurities about being a part of the ‘group’. And he had been the one to coax you into joining the ‘pack activities’.   
At your silence, Hank sighed.
“I read your work. I rummaged through the cabinets of journals and read your articles that had been filed away and rejected. And I think you were onto something.”
“Those were written by a me that wasn’t bonded.” You were being defensive. You knew you were being defensive. You loved Erik and Charles. You really did. But… you couldn’t help but feel the disconnect between yourself and the two of them. At times, you felt like you were an intruder of a sort. “Sorry. It’s just… I don’t think that my previous research really matters anymore. The pack dynamics between alphas and omegas is something that betas can’t really interfere with.”
“Do you really think that?”
“I don’t know, Hank.” You placed the clipboard onto the table of the lab. “I don’t really know anything anymore.”
“Charles and I are pack. So’s Raven.” A clawed hand gingerly grasped at yours. “And so are you. It doesn’t matter what your secondary gender is. I considered you pack the moment you saved Darwin.”
You noted the absence of Erik, but you understood why. And if you were honest with yourself, you didn’t blame him.
“Thanks, omega.”
“You’re very welcome, beta.”
~ ♥~
“I didn’t get to say this before, but you look like a completely different person when you’re not high.”
“Hello to you too, Peter.”
Charles greeted the young omega who appeared in his office in a flurry of silver and the scent of snowdrops quickly surrounded the room. The younger mutant waved at him from where he sat and fiddled with something on the desk.
Peter’s thoughts were hard to interpret. They went by so quickly and very fleetingly, and he didn’t understand how you were able to communicate with the silver-haired mutant through his mind.
Said omega tilted his head at Charles, a rare serious look crossing his features. In these moments, Charles was truly hit with the fact that, yes, this really was Erik’s son.
“You see, I was speaking to Lorna and Remy and Darwin last night ‘cause we worried about our beta, y’know?” Charles took in a sharp breath. He was aware of your avoidance of him and Erik, and he was well aware of your warnings for him to stay out of your thoughts. But was he being inattentive? “It’s not your fault, Professor. We just pick up on their tendencies better.”
“…I see.”
His inner alpha whimpered at the mere thought of his failure at not being someone his loved ones could depend on. At the fact that he was unable to provide and protect.
Peter scratched the back of his neck as he scented the air.
“You see, Professor… They may not be an alpha, but they were always our pack leader. Even if they don’t really think so. They never really depended on us and we always came to them when something went wrong. I think they just got used to that.”
“They shouldn’t have. Darwin should have taken up the role of pack alpha.”
Peter snorted and shook his head.
“Darwin barely knows how omegas work, Professor. When I went to heat, he asked if a quote unquote service needed to be called. Beta slapped the back of his head and put me on the bed instead. Cuddling does wonders, did you know?” Peter had placed down the object he was fiddling with and was instead tapping his finger on the wooden desk. “It was just a theory they had, but turns out sex isn’t required in heats and ruts.”
Charles’ mind flickered to the articles you had written during your time as a researcher.
“Anyway. Our beta’s confused, I think. They’re the only beta in the school so that might have something to do with it too. They kind of uprooted their life to come here, y’know? And they probably feel a little out of their depth. I think that you and Erik should probably do some pack activities for them to join in with. Make a nest, and cuddle or something.”
Peter was… surprisingly perceptive. And as if the young omega knew what he was thinking, he grinned.
“I’m fast, Professor. My mind works quickly and so does my eyes. I pick up on things about as quickly as I can run. It just doesn’t show with school work.” He stood up. “Just consider what I just said, yeah?”
“I will.”
“We’re planning on going to get some nesting materials in a couple of weeks’ time. Me and Lorna need some new stuff and Remy, Darwin, and our beta’s going to join us. So… if you’d like to join, you can. Maybe Erik too?”
Charles smiled at the offer.
“I’ll ask him. Thank you for offering that to me, Peter.”
“I want beta to be happy. That’s all.”
And just as quickly as he appeared into Charles’ office, he disappeared.
~ ♥~
“Erik. Charles.” You greeted your two bondeds that strolled into your office as you closed the file you were looking at. You smiled at them and gestured at the area in across your desk. “What brings you here?”
“We need to have that talk,” Charles said, rolling his wheelchair next to where Erik took a seat.
Ah. Yes. The conversation your inner instinct was trying to avoid. You urged your unease to settle and nodded instead.
“I bonded with you before your mutation manifested.” Erik said, icy blue eyes holding your gaze with a heat that you didn’t really expect. “When I thought you were human. You having a mutation doesn’t change that.”
You fidgeted with the charms of your bracelet.
“I don’t know, Erik. Would you have been so accepting of the me now- after the faked death and the deception- if I remained human? I was pushed away from your thoughts the moment the missiles targeted you.” You curled up on yourself a little. “Did you really miss me? Or did you just miss me when my mutation came to light?”
You watched as your omegan bonded’s expression twisted into something hurt.
“Liebling-” you recalled the older, alternative version of the metallokinetic who called you that- “I missed you, mutation or not. I have… wronged both you and Charles in the past-”
His eyes flickered to Charles, who was simply listening with a calm demeanour. Erik didn’t continue, but you could feel that his thoughts were bare for both you and Charles to read. You felt the longing. The hope. And the general affection he held.
“Beta.” Charles started, when Erik pulled his walls up once more. “You belong here. With me. With Erik.”
You were taken aback at the blunt manner in which the alpha phrased the sentence. You blinked owlishly at the telepath, who offered you a small smile.
“I know we never established a pack, but you do have a place in it. A very important place.” You felt Charles graze at the surface of your mind, and this time, you let him in. “Where would we be without your attentiveness and your moderating capabilities?”
Your inner instincts stopped telling you to avoid them now. And you reeled at the sudden change of your instincts. It wanted you to purr now. To drown yourself in their scents. Was this what it was looking for? Acceptance from your bondeds and an acknowledgement of the pain you had been in?
You swallowed.
“I didn’t want to hurt either of you. I never expected that my… death would impact both of you to this degree. I’m sorry.” You fiddled with the charms again. “I shouldn’t have made conclusions for myself.”
The purr that rumbled from Charles made you relax. It was a warm, happy sound that made you smile. And when you listened more carefully, you could hear the lower purr coming from Erik too.
And it wasn’t long before your own purr joined them, leading to the cacophony of delighted purring echoing within the walls.
This was a tentative start, but a start nonetheless.
~ ♥~
Erik simply watched as the young omegas you had picked up fleeted about the store, touching at fabrics and stuffed toys and making faces. Peter and Lorna often came back to where he and his bondeds were to ask you for your opinion, which you gave readily.
“Why don’t you go find some things too, Erik?”
He shook his head at your suggestion. Nesting was not something he did.
“Come now, dear.” Charles’ tone was filled with mirth and amusement, and that made Erik shoot the alpha a glare. “Let’s at least take a look at things.”
“I agree with the Professor.” The younger, juniper scented alpha butted in, taking the handle of the cart from you. “Me and Darwin can monitor the younger omegas.”
“But Remy-”
“Go on, cher. Have some bonding time with your mates.”
You reluctantly let the boy take the cart from you and instead placed your hands on Charles’ wheelchair.
“May I, Charles?”
“Always, love.” His old friend turned his head to look up at him. “Where shall we go first, Erik?”
He really didn’t know. But at your coaxing look and the gentle nudging at his mind, Erik reluctantly walked towards a shelf of things that pulled up his inner omega.
~ ♥~
Charles had to admit that watching Erik rummage through blankets and pillows was something that endeared him greatly. The disapproving glare he would give some things and the satisfied hum he would vocalise when he found something he liked made his inner alpha thrum with satisfaction.
He felt your hand at the back of his neck, and he tilted his head back lightly to lean more heavily into your touch.
“He’s very… cute, don’t you think?”
“He is indeed. I think it’s more of Erik’s inner omega than himself, but I’m glad he’s indulging it.” Charles said, smiling when you grabbed at a random plush on the shelf to dump it on his lap. “Is this one for you, love?”
“From the things gathered in Erik’s arms right now, I don’t think he’ll pick up any plushies. But I like them and I think I can endear him to this one.”
Charles looked at the rather large shark plushie on his lap and smiled. Erik would be endeared to anything you picked, regardless of his own preferences. He would also be endeared to anything Charles himself picked, so he too, picked up a plush from the shelf.
“I don’t think he’d mind too much, love.”
~ ♥~
Although you had officially been in a courtship with Charles and Erik for around a month now, there was still a degree of dancing about the three of you were doing. Affections that were cautious and careful. Touches that were more fleeting than anything.
The outing today to the nesting materials shop changed something, and you had telepathically thanked Remy for his interference. The younger alpha took your gratitude with flourish and had teased you, saying that you now owed him a favour.
You had expected to part with Erik and Charles after the outing so that your omegan bonded could set up his nest on his own, but to your utter surprise, the man ushered both you and Charles into Charles’ bedroom and threw the materials on his bed.
So that was how you ended up here, bundled in the arms of your bondeds, wrapped up in the soft scent of bluebells as well as the warm scent of leather and old books. Your neck throbbing from the fresh bond marks your beloved mates gave you once again.
You reached a hand to cradle Charles’ cheek and purred softly at the sight of the blue-eyed alpha nuzzling at your palm.
Pressed at your back, you felt Erik dip his face into the crook of your neck as his hold on your waist tightened.
It had taken a decade, but you were back here. In the presence of your beloved bondeds in the place that started it all.
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ok but is anyone ever going to talk about the fact that, to a Hero of Hyrule, the phrase "half-alive" or "half-dead" means that they're actually doing pretty okay? Like, just in terms of the games, too. At the beginning of most Zelda games, you typically have 3 hearts, right? So "half-dead" then would be 1.5 hearts, which isn't good.
But in an average playthrough, by the time you defeat the final boss and everything, you probably have, like, 13 hearts, if not more.
The AVERAGE HYLIAN would probably have the equivalent of, say, three to six hearts, right? Think about that for a second. That's an average Hylian. Don't come at me about this being wrong or something, it just makes sense to me. Normal zelda game, you start w/ three hearts. Usually you are a CHILD. SkSw you start with 6 and get full hearts of damage taken from a normal enemy. So 4-6 is a good ballpark for the average Hylian in my brain.
And a lot of Links have 13 hearts by the end. Or more. To them, "half-dead" is perfectly fine. They are completely functional. How many times have you looked at your health bar in-game, realized that you're at half-health, and brushed it off because you're not in danger? I don't know about you, but I do that all the time!! When I can't regenerate health, I don't freak out or anything, because I have at least 6 hearts, if not more. That's a lot.
That is the health (approximately) of an average Hylian.
Anyway I think we should all talk about that more. We should talk about the fact that over the course of their adventures, Link really just toughens up a whole ton, learns a lot of endurance, goes through a lot of physical exertion and comes out all the better for it. He fucking grows so much and I love him for it. He becomes at least twice as strong/enduring/etc as the average person in terms of in-game health and I think that's wonderful.
"Vibing" is a Link's version of "half-dead". (And we're not even going to get into the whole thing that every zelda player has gone through where you have a quarter-heart or a half-heart for a while and have to tough it out while you look for hearts, i could write another essay on Link's fucking spite-)
People don't fuck around when they say Link is OP, okay? They mean it.
Also yeah this came to me while writing S&A, what about it-
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Would it be weird to ask how you plan out your embroidery designs? If not weird and you have the time/spoons do you have any tips?
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Oh no worries, I am the OP! @handmadehazefromtheheart is my craft account. ^w^ You were referring to this post, right?
Asking isn't weird at all btw. I like questions. :3 Though I dunno if my answer will be the most helpful, since I'm still pretty experimental with my embroidery.
For the brain, I literally just doodled onto the fabric with a water soluble pen.
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For the latest piece before that, I traced the outline + important features of a picture I had of my girlfriend by holding fabric pinned in a hoop up to my laptop screen. Then I flipped the fabric around in the hoop so it was right ways up. I did the same with her music logo, which I made for her birthday this year.
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Mostly, though, I've been actually drawing out patterns on paper.
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I trace them onto the fabric using a white screen behind it. (I literally just Google "white" and open an image full screen.)
Getting the colors right is hard, but I'm getting the hang of it I think.
For the brain, I decided as I went which sections would be which shade of teal on the fly.
For the portrait, I gathered various shades of coral (the color of the InfiniTints prompt it was for) and then separated them into groups based on where I thought each shade would work best. I had a hair pile and a skin pile, and in each pile I determined which would be used for lighter areas and darker areas based on the picture I was using.
For the In Decay logo, I did pretty much the same thing but with whites and greys, though I haven't shown off the full thing yet. (I'm going to do that in a special way. :3c Stay tuned.) The mouse had the same process. The mouse was actually the first one I did it like that for, and I love how it turned out—and the fact that a duplicate made as a commission came out so nice after.
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You can kind of see on the clover pic above that I actually labeled it for where I wanted which shades of green. I should probably do that more.
I've mostly been working with long and short stitch, but working on this pre-made kit has helped me get a sense of how to use different kinds of stitches together.
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So far, the brain is the most deliberate in terms of different stitches.
[ID: A two second video showing off the embroidered result of the brain sketch near the top of the post. It's mostly satin stitch, but the outlines are all stem stitches, and there are French knots in some places next to backstitches and split stitches that swirl. /end ID]
I'd say I've improved a lot from my first attempt last year:
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Oh... I got away from myself writing that out, didn't I? I hope you got what you were asking for out of it! 😅
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