#just felt like sharing this dream because it has been the most vivid dream i have had in a while and also the most memorable

[beskarandblasters]

Me and My Husband

Chapter Seven: I Know Who You Pretend I Am

Married!Din Djarin x F!Reader

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Synopsis: Din Djarin is doing what any typical Mandalorian would be doing after reclaiming Mandalore, finding a riduur and settling down. He’s still a member of the Guild on Nevarro, taking bounties here and there to support his new family. But when he meets you while you’re working the front desk at an inn on Naboo, he finds himself hooked, feeling like he’s found something new and exciting in his now mundane life. How long can he keep up appearances with his riduur? And how long can he keep his little secret with you?

Series warnings: reader is able-bodied, set post season 3, canon divergent (long live the Razor Crest), some liberties taken with Mandalorian culture/weddings/marriages, infidelity, eventual smut (chapter two!), switches between Reader and Din's POV, no use of y/n

Author’s note: This chapter is a bit different than the others. Instead of being in Din’s or Ca’tra’s point of view, we’re visiting May’s point of view. It may not seem super important but there’s something at the end of this chapter that’s vital to the plot.

Chapter summary: A day in the life of May.

Word count: 1.8k

Chapter warnings: angst, talks of menstruating and having children, talks of infidelity

May

While Din is away for what feels like the millionth time, May wakes up in bed alone. Last night she had the most vivid dream of her and Din having a baby together. Grogu became an older brother and Din was the loving and doting father and husband she knows he has the potential to be. The dream felt so real. But when she wakes up in the morning she’s hit with the reality she’s living in now, a bleak lonely life.

She gets out of bed and feels a warm wetness between her legs. She looks down and sees her period staining her inner thighs. She’s… disappointed and doesn’t really understand why. She told Din she wasn’t ready yet, which is true. But the dream has her longing for a reality that’s so far out of reach, it’s clouding her judgement.

She gets Grogu up for the day, alone. Aren’t you supposed to share these tasks with the father of your children? Why is it always left up to her she wonders. Not that she minds. She’s grown quite close with Grogu in Din’s absence. Thank the Maker for him because if it were just her home alone in this empty house she would go crazy. 

She sits at the kitchen table and lets her mind wander…

Is Din really where he says he is?

Grogu’s eating his breakfast and babbling happily beside her. She’s not eating anything herself because she hasn't been able to shake the feeling that Din’s lying to her. She’s not sure what he’s lying about but he’s been acting suspicious ever since he came back from his first bounty since getting married. 

She sees the way other riduurs interact and when she compares it to her and Din’s marriage she feels a sense of longing; longing for something others have that she doesn’t. She wonders if she’s trapped in a one-sided marriage, one where she will always be the one trying harder, doing more, loving unconditionally, and not receiving the same treatment back. 

No, that’s silly, May thinks to herself. Din’s a hardworking man, always putting his family’s needs above his own, spending his life crossing the galaxy to make ends meet, to put food on the table, to make sure they’re safe. 

She tells herself this yet she can’t shake the nagging feeling in the back of her mind. 

He’s lying to you, May, the voice tells her. 

She puts the voice in the back of her mind for the moment and goes about her day. She takes Grogu to play with some of the other younglings while the parents stand by and chat. It’s always pairs of riduurs together except for her, always alone. And they’re always affectionate with each other. She feels out of place here but she shouldn’t. She belongs here just as much as the others do yet she feels like she’s missing an essential piece of the puzzle. 

After playtime she tends to the garden, gathering ingredients for tonight’s dinner. Dinner for two always, rarely ever for three. Grogu sits on a rock and watches her harvest the vegetables. She looks at him and wishes he could talk, wishes she could have some conversation other than her inner monologue. He’s better than no company and she truly loves him with all of her heart. He’s been the only blessing in this riduurok. 

Once the ingredients for dinner are collected she heads to the village center to trade with some of the other families, feeling the same sting as she did before when she sees pairs of riduurs together. The ones who don’t wear their helmet can’t hide their looks of pity when they see her alone, only with Grogu at her side. It makes the tips of her ears hot with embarrassment, but she’s grateful for her helmet in moments like these. 

And that takes her until dinner, sitting beside Grogu and feeling a sullen, empty feeling. This wasn’t how she pictured her life going. And now that she’s alone and not necessarily busy, the voice comes back. 

He’s hiding something from you, the voice tells her. 

She could sit here and argue with herself back and forth, sending her down a maddening downward spiral. Or she could confide in someone. Maybe the Armorer? Maybe Bo-Katan?

Literally, anyone if it’ll spare her from going mad. 

Bo-Katan will do. She’s the closest thing May has to a friend anyway. 

Once Grogu’s done with his food, she scoops him up into her arms, replaces her helmet on her head, and leaves. As she walks to Bo-Katan’s house in the night, she thinks about how she shouldn’t even have to be doing this. She shouldn’t have to confide in someone with her doubts about her marriage. 

She knocks on the front door and thinks of how she’s going to phrase this to Bo. There’s no easy way to say… what exactly? She hasn’t even admitted to herself what her true suspicions are because she’s afraid of the answer. 

But as soon as the door opens she blurts out, “I think Din’s having an affair.”

Bo’s eyes widen and she motions for May to come inside. They sit at Bo’s kitchen table together with Grogu in May’s lap.

“So… why do you think he’s having an affair?” Bo-Katan asks hesitantly. 

“Well, he’s… he’s so withdrawn from me. We’re never intimate. He never tells me he loves me. He’s not affectionate. And I mean I know he’s not really the affection type but-”

Bo sighs. “Look May… I had a suspicion but I didn’t want to impose.”

“I didn’t even tell you the worst part.”

“Oh?”

“A few rotations ago, before he left again, we were about to have sex and he asked to keep our helmets on.”

“…What?”

“Yeah, he said he thought it would be hot but that had to be a lie… Right?”

Bo takes a deep breath and says, “If you think he’s cheating you should bring it up with the Armorer. He’s not just betraying you, he’s betraying his family, his clan, his creed”

“And you think I should go to her?”

“Well, I-”

“If you were me in this situation, what would you do?”

After a pause for consideration, Bo says, “I would tell the Armorer.”

“It’s settled, then,” May sighs, “Will you… Will you go with me?”

“Of course,” she says, offering a sympathetic smile. She leans forward and pats May’s gloved hand resting on the tabletop before leaving her house and leading the way down to the forge. 

The walk there is silent, an uncomfortable tension hanging heavily in the air. May feels bad for this all of a sudden. She feels bad for putting Bo-Katan in the middle of their drama. Yes, she considers Bo a friend but Bo was also Din’s friend, too. She helped him rescue Grogu from Moff Gideon. She saved him from drowning in the Mines. He brought her back to the covert when her palace was destroyed. Surely she feels uncomfortable being in this situation. And if she does, she’s doing a good job at hiding it.

They arrive at the forge, the Armorer working on something when they get there. She seems busy even this late at night.

Kriff, maybe this was a bad time, May thinks to herself. But then again, there’s never a good time to accuse your riduur of cheating in front of a well-respected member of the tribe. And if there’s anyone who will know what to do, who will offer some sort of guidance; it’s her. 

“Bo-Katan Kryze. May Djarin. What brings you two here?”

“May has come here to tell you of her suspicions that Din is violating the terms of their riduurok.”

“How so?” she asks with a curious tone in her voice. 

“I think… I think he’s having an affair.”

“I see,” the Armorer says, setting down whatever she’s working on. 

“I don’t need to know why you think this. But this is a serious accusation to make. If this is true, he will become an apostate again. Are you certain he needs to be questioned?”

May takes a moment to think this over to herself and concludes that yes, he needs to be questioned. It will pain him to become an apostate again but he’s the one who made his choices and now he gets to suffer the consequences. May thought that the pain of Din being an apostate would prevent him from doing anything that would risk his creed. But clearly, he’s thinking with something other than his head. And why should she have to suffer because of his mistakes; his wrongdoings?

“Yes,” she nods, visor locked on the Armorer’s. 

“It is settled then. Din Djarin will be questioned about the accusations that he’s breaking the terms of his riduurok. Where is he now?”

“Off planet for a bounty,” May says. 

“Once he is back, bring him to me.”

May and Bo-Karan nod and the Armorer returns to the project she was working on. May takes a deep breath as she leaves the forge with Bo, a mix of emotions swirling her stomach. On one hand, she’s relieved this will be officially investigated. But on the other hand, she’s afraid of what's to come from it. 

Once they’re back out into the village Bo asks, “Are you going to be alright?”

“I think so,” May sighs.

“I don’t want you to be alone until he gets back.”

Just as Bo says that, Grogu makes a noise, looking up at May. 

“I won’t be alone. I have him,” May says, patting Grogu on the top of his head. 

“Well, don’t hesitate to stop by if you need anything.”

“Thank you,” May responds with a tip of her helmet before they part ways. 

Din proves to be gone several rotations. He hasn’t sent a transmission but he usually doesn’t. At first, May attributed that to him just forgetting that Mandalore can send and receive transmissions now. But that was back when May was lying to herself. Now that she’s admitted to herself and others that Din may be having an affair, the sugarcoated answers she would tell herself before are starting to slip away. 

He’s not where he says he is. He’s making up thinly veiled excuses as to why he’s gone for so long. There’s a reason he doesn’t want to be intimate with her. There’s a reason he doesn’t tell her he loves her or why he doesn’t tell her she’s beautiful. There’s a reason he wanted to have sex with the helmets on. That’s been the hardest pill for her to swallow. It’s either because he’s too guilty to even look May in the eye or it just makes it easier for Din to pretend May is someone else… you, whoever you are, wherever you are in the galaxy. You took her riduur from her. And she decides that you can have him. That is if he’ll be able to live with himself after losing his creed. Only time will tell. 

End note: As if we needed any more reasons to feel bad for May 🤪

Chapter Eight

Graphic by @nostalxgic

Banners + divider by @saradika

MAMH tag list: @wannab-urs @ramblers-lets-get-ramblin @catchallfangirl @noxturnalpascal @nervoushottee @mandoisapunk @pr0ximamidnight @angel-in-beskar @littlegrungegirlaf @pamasaur @love-the-abyss @dameron-grant-spector @xdaddysprincessxx @drewharrisonwriter @milly-louise @engie115 @survivingandenduring @unit-1021 @rentaldarling @missladym1981 @csarab615 @swiftiegirliepop @spookyxsam @jbb-sgr @sarap-77 @kittenlittle24 @pedroslittlelady @decembermidnight @devineconjuring @handspunyarns @harriedandharassed @midnightnoiserose @jbb-sgr

#din djarin x reader #din djarin fanfiction #the mandalorian fanfiction #din djarin x f!reader #din djarin #the mandalorian #star wars fanfiction #star wars #starwarsficnetwork #pedrostories #pedro pascal character fanfiction #pedro pascal characters #mamh

[ummmlife]

mareridt ;

Warnings!; angst (but with a happy ending) , shibuya nanami

It was clear in your mind, words like those couldn't be forgotten easily and, most likely never be forgotten.

“Nanami Kento is dead”.

What a shame, isn't it? Your fiance, your soulmate was taken away from you in a matter of a second. How unfair.

Maybe he could stay as a salaryman, miserable but alive, exhausted but alive. But nothing matters now, he's dead and, by what you could understand of that call, it was a grotesque death.

True horror for a frightening night like this, October 31st.

The jujutsu sorcerers are talking about remains of a body, not a complete body worthy of burial. The universe is vile when it wants to, doesn't it?

Words weren't even a way to explain all what you were feeling. Grief? Sure, sadness? Also, but mostly despair. Your heart wasn't even beating anymore and your lungs felt like heavy sandbags ready to be thrown into the sea and sink to the depths, goddamn, you couldn't even stand up from the floor of your home.

A now broken home.

How could you even try to keep going with your life like this? How could you possibly try to lift your head against and face the world? Kento used to say that running away was always an option, one that you could regret in the future, sure, but still an option. But how could you run away from a cruel world that didn't even care about the massacre that was happening outside there in Shibuya?

The regretful thoughts didn't take too much to start appearing. It was your fault, it surely was.

You could have begged Kento harder not to respond to that emergency call and stop him from leaving. You could have locked the door and hid the key. You could start a temper tantrum just to make him stay with you. You could have done so many things but you did nothing.

Kento was dead because of you… right?

With the last strength you had left in your body, you crawled to the bed you both shared. A bed witness of moments of love and hate, a bed that was a safe space for both of you. His scent is still on the pillow and in the room in general.

It hurts horribly.

You roll over to grab his pillow and hug, pouring your love through your tears as the memories of Kento run free in your mind. Crying your heart out with sorrow by all the disgrace that life is giving to you.

Your stomach was churning while your head was spinning and it kept feeling like a nightmare. You were feeling like you were not connected to your body at all.

That's until you felt hands hugging you from behind and pulling your body.

— “Hey… You're having a nightmare again…”

That voice, that familiar voice.

— “Darling… Wake up.”

Just like magic you were brought back to reality by the raspy voice of Kento in your ear. He was holding you in his arms and planting kisses on your head as his hands caressed your arms in an attempt to calm you down.

— “You were having that nightmare again?”

It was an obvious question to ask, but yes. Once more, the same vivid nightmare plays in your dreams. It was a torture to this point.

— “I'm here, alright? I'm right here.”

Without hesitation, you hugged your boyfriend back, finding a comforting sense of protection in his arms. Kento is and has always been your safe place after all.

— “Don't worry, I promised you that I'm not leaving the house today. No matter what happens, we'll spend this Halloween all safe at home together.”

i DO NOT wanna see nanami dying. i swear i'm gonna throw up

anyway

i wanted to write this as a way to comfort my own self for what's about to come and, honestly? life in general has been feeling like a fever nightmare so...

i hope this can help you to cope the fact that this is the last time we're seeing nanami alive

#nanami kento #kento nanami #jjk nanami #jujutsu nanami #nanami jujutsu kaisen #jujutsu kaisen nanami #nanami x reader #nanami angst #jjk angst #. bibi's writing

[ophelieverse]

Upon what is going to happen in the next episode,and after reading your last Daemon fic,can you write something similar for Luke?Reader a Targaryen(Ali daughter)and just like Helaena she is a dreamer,but instead of riddles she haves vivid dreams.She is to be married to Luke and when her father dies she is on Dragonstone with him,that night she dreams of his death and asks him to flee with her.But the next day he goes to the Stormlands and well…

✵Already gone.

Lucerys Velaryon x fem!reader.

Here we are,sorry for being late.Thank you for requesting and i hope you will like it💕(sorry for the errors)

The first time she felt it,she was only six years old,and that feeling hasn't gone away since.She had felt it everywhere: running through her veins,under her skin,making its way into her heart,into her eyes,everywhere.Since that day her mind had taken the bad habit of taking refuge,of running away, of exploring places that Y/n had never seen,where she had never walked but where,in some strange way,she felt she belonged.

For all of her life Y/n knew she was different,as the youngest child of a King and his second wife she often heard from her father that their family was special and different from the others in the realm.

They said Targaryens were closer to gods than to other men,but it was because of their dragons.Dragons made them kings,not dreams.

Her father said she was blessed,with a foresight to see anything that was invisible to the human eye.But being born a dreamer,with a soul that is way too sensitive for this ugly and cold world,always feeling things too deeply and differently than most of people.That had always been her curse.She feels more than anyone around her,she can feel the details and the edges of things and when she get close to someone,she can feel everything about them,their happiness and their pain.

Lucerys was easy to get close with,to fall in love with.Y/n was never where she was,she was always inside her head and whenever she disappeared he was the one to find her.She liked being with him,because he understood her.If she talked to anyone else about the things she talked with him they would think she was crazy or call her an awful person.But not him,he was the only one who genuinely listened to her,who laughed with her and made her feel less alone.He understood her and it made her so happy.

Her father was right,she was indeed blessed to have someone as beautiful and sweet like Lucerys in her life,someone she shared all of her secrets,all her fears and her dreams with.Once a powerful and deep connection between two people is made they become vital part of each other lives and there is no separating them.No measures of distance,of time and silence can prevent the outbreak of smiles and laughter,the ache to be in each other arms and never let go.

«I don’t sleep»she once confessed him,curled up in the old ancient library of the Red Keep«My mind has the scary capability of being dark and demented.»she murmured,an empty book in her hands with pages yet to be filled with words.

«Are you afraid of your dreams?»he asked her,sitting down.

«Yes»she said quietly.

He smiled then,so genuine that it lit the whole room«Sleep,i’ll fight the bad dreams if they come for you.»he promised.

But she also knew,deep in her bones and in her blood,that she was cursed by the same gods that gifted her.No one ever believed her,whenever she woken up screaming from dreaming,all drenched in sweat and fear behind her purple eyes,only few disconnected and meaningless words came out stuttering from her trembling mouth.Her mother thought she was crazy,the gods flips a coin whenever a Targaryen is born,and her youngest child seemed to be landed in the wrong side.Not even her older sister Helaena,who shared her same gift,seemed to have a connection with her,they spoke the same language but with different words.

Lucerys was different,he was present and patient with her,so why curse her and taking the only thing that made her life worth living away from her?She wasn’t a bad person,was she?Not at all,she was quiet and reserved,never speaking too much even though she lead the most intelligent conversations,walking on this earth on her tippy toes to not hurt anyone.

So,why did she had to feel like this?How terrible can it be to love something that death can touch so easily,to mourn someone who was still alive?To look in his eyes,tracing gently the skin of his cheek,laughing with him,simply existing next to him,realizing that every plan she had with him will disappear one day?Realizing how much she would miss him while he was still there with her,was the worst sensation she ever felt in her heart.

That day,the day she dreamt of Lucerys death,it started like many others and it was thought that it would end just the same.Y/n, like everything else, thanks to her iron memory, remembered everything about that day: the time she woke up, what she ate for breakfast, the color of the clouds that painted the sky and the noise that had made her lover life when it shattered to the ground before her eyes.

She had woken up with a start, almost falling forward if she hadn't promptly stuck her hands into the damp ground and used it as an anchor to avoid crashing into the immense flowery meadow. Her face was beaded with sweat and molded into a strange grimace, her hair, tied in two braids that had managed to escape from them, had stuck to the hot skin of her neck and forehead.

As always,for the past few months,she was sitting on the green fresh grass of one the hills on Dragon Stone,being betrothed to her nephew required her presence on his side, place where she spent most of her days between laughter and faces reddened by the warm rays of the sun. The melodious rustle of the wind, audible through the thick brown foliage of the trees, made her shiver at that hour of the morning.

Y/n thin legs were resting against her flat chest, her chin resting between her two skinned knees, her body wrapped in a small purple wool dress on which daisies had been carefully embroidered, while a long lavander cardigan was wrapped around her bony shoulders closed on the front thanks to three pretty buttons.

A long yawn rose from her lips, which until a few moments before had opened wide, as if under someone else's control, and her small body quivered for a few seconds. Instinctively she brought her hand, the one still stuck in the ground on which she was sitting, towards her mouth but stopped it in midair when she noticed the residues of earth that smeared the skin.

She was exhausted, having spent that night tossing and turning in the thin blankets, like a caterpillar does in its cocoon, trying to find some sleep and peace in every new inch in the mattress.She hadn't been able to sleep a wink and everything about her, in her face, showed it: red and half-closed eyes, hollowed out by horrible dark circles that certainly shouldn't have resided on such a delicate and young face, pale skin,almost transparent,and light off.

She knew very well why she was in that situation, why she could fall asleep at any moment under the warm rays of the sun and why she had decided to find a place, sit and contemplate the little purple hyacinths that had blossomed as soon as spring had made his long and awaited arrival.

«I forgive you,»she murmured as the sound of those words were carried away by the current, «and the reason I forgive you is because you weren't perfect. You are imperfect, as am I. All human beings are imperfect.»

In her hands, with all the delicacy she possessed, she gripped the stem of a purple hyacinth and with her fingers she stroked its petals as if she were tracing the closed lids of his eyes, as she did when she was little and their parents gave them the permission to sleep in the same room with their siblings.

It had been six long, tiring, and tumultuous years that were certainly no different from the rest of the life she had lived before.Six years had passed since the night she had seen her Lucerys, bathed in the light of the shining moon,his face covered in his own blood,in the Driftmark Castle hall,the same night he took her brother eye,six years since she felt the rope that was bounding them together cutting itself and disappearing forever as if it had never existed.And it had already been six years since Y/n understood the meaning of the purple hyacinth, the flowers that she and Lucerys picked once in the gardens of the Red Keep: forgiveness.

She would learn how,or at least it was what she kept repeating to go on and not to look like a grudging old woman.She would learn how to forgive Lucerys for dying,but,even though he was still there with her,she still couldn't forgive him for leaving her alone without even an explanation.Why wasn’t she enough for making him change his mind?Why did he had to be so good and dutifully?Why couldn’t he could hold on to all the love that little girl had in him to keep moving forward?

She new she sounded selfish but she didn't care.She couldn't understand and she hated it.Besides being able to be able to dream and forgive,be sad and happy,Y/n was also too intelligent: she had intuition for everything, feelings that never betrayed her,and eyes too big to look at only one thing at a time.

Year after year,observing the throne,the meadows and the sky,she understood that it was all a succession of an infinite and violent but at the same time so natural cycle. She understood that after each winter the spring came,after the midday light came the cold darkness of midnight and that the human beings,having spent their best moments on earth,slowly slipped away.

In short,in a world like the one she lived in,she understood what death meant but she didn't know what Lucerys death was,that one terrible feeling that she felt years ago but she didn’t dreamt about yet. And that was the hardest part of losing someone, not saying goodbye but learning to accept it and learning to live without them.Always trying to fill that hole, that emptiness that was left in her heart where that person used to reside.

«Y/n?»a soft whisper from behind her,made her turn around abruptly.

In front of her,bent slightly forward,with his hands holding a small wicker basket, stood a young boy who was the same age as she was,but taller and more fit, wrapped in his sparring uniform that reached his waist and an antique pink cloak that matched perfectly with the his diaphanous face was on his shoulder.

«Are you alright?»Lucerys asked as he approached her and only now noticing the crown of flowers that Y/n had on her head.

His eyes,the one that did not matched the old Valyrian standards,but of the wonderful and calm blue that she learned to love and put her at ease, scrutinized her carefully trying to get as much information as possible from her face.

He knew immediately from the way her eyes slightly dropped for not enough sleep from the night before that she was happy to see him and that he was in love with her.He knew from the way he woke up that morning at sunrise,trained with his brother as usual but his mind set on her,on the breakfast that they would have shared together like every other time.He knew from the way his family started to notice how different he was being around her,to the little things he did to just make her smile,the way his eyes followed her in every move.He knew he wanted to spento every living moment with her.

«You don’t meet people you love.You recognize them.»she had told him when they were little,sitting in the gardens of the castle surrounded by flowers.

The connection they had,must had flourished in a past life.Beautiful,loving souls like them don’t meet by accident or chance,they are meant to cross path for a reason especially the ones their shared the same kind of tune.Anybody could look at her,but only him could see the same world that she see and it was so rarely beautiful that she wasn’t ready to loose all of it.

Y/n nodded,a little smile was forced on her face«I couldn’t sleep.»she informed him with a thin voice.

Lucerys took in a moment to appreciate every single inch of her face,from her beautiful plump lips,her cute nose and bright eyes.She was a sight that he never got tired to see,he would most gladly become a morning person if that meant being able to witness such beauty every day for the rest of his life.

«I brought you the breakfast.»he said then,laying the pink cloak on the ground with the basket.

He had a shy smiles on his lips and his cheeks were all red under the sun light«Thank you.»she chirped out.

Y/n dropped the hyacinth she was holding between her fingers and not at all surprised she had noticed the little strawberry cake,her favorite sweet thing to eat in the morning,that Lucerys handed her.

«You can put your strength down.»she murmured sweetly,bite after bite.

He was sitting in front of her,still like a statue,his hands were fidgeting with his long sleeves,his eyes setting on the green background,on his faces traces of emotions and words that were exploding in his head.He looked distressed and it was easy for her to read him like a book.

Multiple times Lucerys has tried writing his thoughts about Y/n down on paper in an effort to make sense of them. He's moved by a desire to describe in words exactly how she looks and speaks. Her hair and clothing. The books that she read,the flowers that she picked in the gardens and which food she ate first at the table.Her long fingers turning the pages,the light touch on the petals and the way she dipped her fingertips in the soft pink cream.She's not leading the same kind of life as other people,she was a dreamer,always somewhere else. She acts so worldly at times, making him feel ignorant, but then she can be so naive. He wanted to understand how her mind worked... He writes these things down, long run-on sentences with too many dependent clauses, sometimes connected with breathless semicolons, as if he wants to recreate a precise copy of Y/n in print, as if he can preserve her completely for future review.

He often wondered how lucky he was to had her,for having his mother arranging this marrige for him.But sometimes with the weight of the idea of having her forever,came the realization that he may not be good enough for her.He would become the lord of the tied,but he wasn’t capable of such a thing and he didn’t wanted to drag her with him in spiral of mistakes.She only deserved the best life and he wanted to give her that.

«Luke»she called for him«You know you can tell me anything,right?»she asked him with a sincere tone.

Finally with a low whisper,he said«I think i might be a terrible person.»and for a split of a second she believed him.Thinking that he was about to confess a crime,a murder maybe.But then she realized it was her Lucerys she was talking to and that sometimes she often felt like a terrible person too.But she only reveled it when she was asking him to love her,it’s a kind of undressing but at the same time having the feeling of being protected.And right now,he was asking her to love him and to shelter him from his own mind.

Y/n whipped her mouth with a napkin«What’s make you think that?»her heart ached in her chest,seeing him so stressed pained her.

«Vaemond Velaryon died because of me.»he started with a trembling voice.

She took a deep breath,she remembered,only few days prior,they way her uncle chopped half of his head off,the screams of terrors,the blood on the throne room floor and the way her mother held a hand in front of her eyes to not make her see«Luke-»

«I don’t want Driftmark,i get seasick before leaving the harbor!Look a te me,i will ruin everything!»he blurted out so quickly that he had to stop to take a breath.

Y/n crawled closer to him,taking his hand in her«I’m looking at you,and you want to know what i see?»she studied him,from the way his cheeks heated up,his dark eyes sparkling with devotion and the way his hair were moving with the wind.

«What?»his voice became so thin and carefully with her,he knew she didn’t like noisy situation.

«I see a beautiful boy with an amazing heart and a corrupted mind.»she started with a melodious voice that made confusion appeared on his flawless features.

She continued«Thoughts and ideas damaged by broken promises and lies.I see a boy who’s constantly battling with his heart because it chooses to feel what his mind is being poisoned with.»she was tracing the warm palm of his hand with her finger tips,drawing line after line with so much delicacy.

«Mother said that we don’t get to choose our destiny,but what if i want to?»he said,his heart was beating so fast in his chest following perfectly the movements of her fingers.

She forced a smile on her lips,she knew perfectly well what her sister meant«What do you want then?»Y/n asked softly.

His heart spoke before his mind«You.»he answered quickly.

Lucerys wasn’t even ashamed of it,every piece of him ached for her.He wanted to grow with her to see how much they could thrive together.He wanted to help her fight for her dreams,and see them coming to life.He wanted to be there for her when it all seemed to be too much,he wanted to be the voice that reminded her of peace and hope.He wanted to make her laugh and smile,to experience joy everyday.He wanted to be real with her,to open himself up and let down his armor.He wanted quiet nights filled with sweet nothing.Days filled with her,to be able to continue to see her,in her weakest and strongest.He just wanted to be with her for the rest of his life.Because it was about her,everything was about her.If he had to choose between his sweet girl and a million things that he had always wanted,he would choose her every single time.

«You have me.»she stated«Till the last star in the sky stops burning,you have me.»

Lucerys tipped his chin down a bit to look at her fully«Can you really read my hand?»he asked.

«Yes»Y/n answered,tracing tiny circles and all serious.

«What’s my future then?»he asked with a little chuckle.

And Lucerys swore,her eyes lighting up like a thousand fireflies,that he saw a nostalgic smile on her beautiful face«Us.»she responded quietly.

She pictured them holding hands when they were older,but maybe it was just a dream.

«Us?»he asked,they were engaged for a political purpose but it was clear that for them something else made them bound together.

Y/n nodded,letting go of his hand to look at him,he was so close that she could feel his hot breath on the skin of her neck and that made her shiver«Traveling the world on our dragons and eating only cakes.Oh and we got a cat.»she stated dreamily.

Lucerys was about to laugh at her sweet words,already tasting on his tongue the life he so desperately wished to live with her,when Y/n hissed in pain under his eyes.

Instinctively she brought her right hand, the hand that was holding Lucerys one a moment ago,to the nape of her neck when that annoying pain had returned.

He quickly brought a hand on her back,to support her«Does it hurt again?»he asked worried.

Y/n squeezed her eyes«Just a little but I have a bad feeling»she said,rubbing the back of her neck.

She wasn't new to those little twinges hitting the back of her neck and although the Grand Maester checked her regularly,the cause was still a big mystery to everyone.Except to Y/n, at least that's how she thought.

She had developed that little theory of hers the day she came home, clothes and hair soaked,Lucerys holding her arm as if she could drown at any moment and he could no longer save her.The young princess had immediately noticed that every time those pangs occurred, something was about to happen,and that something always came to visit her first in her dreams the same night.The first time happened when she was six,after the pain she dreamt of the cold darkness of water surrounding her,the next day she fell from the boat during her first trip to Dragon Stone.The second time happened when her older brother,Aemond,lost his eye,she had heard his screams in her dream and the next day she was standing next to her screaming mother who was demanding justice for her son.Now it was happening again in that moment.

A spark of panic started to irradiates her chest that was moving up and down,her pulse got quicker and her heart went up to her throat.

«I will forgive you»she murmured out with a low voice for the second time that morning.

Lucerys was sitting on his knees,his warm hand caressing her shivering back after wrapping her figure in the pink cloak they used as a blanket«For what?»he asked confused.

Y/n shook her head,she did not answer immediately,but her gaze locked on the tiny figure of the boy who at that moment was a few inches away from her,sure that Lucerys big eyes and sweet had something to do about the little pain«I don’t know…yet»she said then.

He took a deep breath,getting up on his feet and helping her to do the same.Perhaps she was tired and needed to rest for a bit,he knew what it was going to happened the moment she would had her eyes closed,slowly drifting away in the dream world«Would you like to sleep with me tonight?»his voice was so sweet and sincere.

The sun shone high in the clear sky, its rays scattered downwards,flooding every creature with its sweet warmth.The grass and flower stalks she encountered on her walk tickled her ankles and her calves uncovered by her dress, as she did her best not to step on them.They were making their way back to the castle when Y/n turned to him with red cheeks.

«I didn’t meant it like that!»Lucerys said immediately with an embarrassing expression«I know that you don’t like to be alone when that kind of dreams come to visit you at night.And i thought-»he was speaking so fast that made him look so cute.

Y/n stopped him,a warm feeling now spreading in her chest,kissing him softly on the cheek«I would like that,thank you.»

It was sometime early and Y/n was fast asleep.It didn’t bother Lucerys because he knew that there’s been times she had laid awake at night unable to find sleep,no longer familiar with what it meant to find rest.The moment she climbed in his bed and he told her that everything was alright,Y/n pressed her head to his chest and her ear to his heart.Lucerys ran his fingers through her silver locks and felt her muscles loosen,symbolic for how relaxed she’d become.

Sleeping next to her,not with her,was perhaps the most intimate he will ever be with another human being.In sleep she was completely defenseless,she was soft and supple and childlike.Her hard exteriors disappeared the moment that dreams came for her.The way Y/n slept with her face softened,her arms around his waist,it was the most beautiful thing that Lucerys had ever seen.Even in her most chaotic days,she came home to him and he helped her find peace.It was love,he loved her dearly tipo the point he would got her all the cats that she wanted,to spend all his night awake to just be with her on his side.

While her body remained attached to reality,under the warm covers,tangled with Lucerys sweet scent,her mind started to wonder.

It all started as a bad dream, a very specific nightmare that repeated itself in her head whenever something was about to go wrong. She was in a world apart, an astral sphere to which she felt she was connected, in which she felt a familiarity that she had never felt anywhere else before.She felt like she belonged to that place even though she didn't know what it was or where it was and was more than sure she had never been there before.

It was a dark place that gave Y/n the feeling of being very cold if she was able to feel anything.A tiny light in the back of the room,the smell of milk of the poppy lingered everywhere,a canopy bed on the center.

That painful feeling,the one flowing through her veins whenever it was about to happen, was back. Her heart was beating in her chest, she felt her breathing get heavier and her stomach knot on itself.

Her eyes were wide open, her legs trembling as something pushed her forward and the dread that something bad could happen soon was consuming her.

Moving the curtains with her hands,Y/n father laid in his death bed.His face tortured by the illness,his soul taken by the greed of his own family,his last thought for his first wife«My love»he had whispered closing his eye,a hand reaching up in the sky.

A magnetic force moved her towards the window,where in her view the Storm Lands took place.Outside it was raining.The rain fell in sheets and great bolts of lightning lit the world bright as day.Y/n saw Arrax struggling to stay aloft in the gale when a roar shook the very foundation of Storm’s End,her brother Aemond rose through the clouds and below him the monstrous Vhagar.

Vhagar caught them above shipbreaker bay,Y/n watched the distant blast of flames and heard the shirks drown out the thunder.Prince Lucerys fell broken to be swallowed by the waves with his last thought for his sweet girl«My love»he whispered dying with her name on his lips.

Y/n body jolted awake with a tremble,her lilac eyes were wide open,a silent scream choking the stuttering breath and disconnected words coming out her mouth.Her mind was racing and her lungs ached in her chest like they were going to explode.All bathed in sweat,her nightgown and white hair clinging to her shiny skin,she looked around the room.

It was late in the morning,perhaps the first hours of evening,the sun was up bright in the sky and its rays filtered through the window glass.She felt cold,shivering and bringing her knees up to her chest,in her ears she could hear the loud dark noise of thunders in the distance.

Beside her perched up body,the room was empty.Lucerys side of the bed cold and untouched for hours,just like her heart felt in that moment.Y/n knew this was going to happened she felt it the first time,that burning sensation that traveled under her skin and the tears that threatened to escape from her eyes,the same night that her brother lost his eyes.She felt the connection she had installed with Lucerys loosen around them,and it was just a matter of time before it would broke permanently.

But he was still alive in that moment that her heart and her brain forgot that he would’ve leave the earth soon.She cherished every single moment,every second that she had with him,every smile and light touch to help her to push down her throat the feeling that something was about to happened to him.

The door opened suddenly making Y/n jump a bit,Lucerys entered the room quietly with little and unsure steps.He was wearing again his red and black training uniform,his black hair were messy on his head,probably for the wind of the early morning,and his eyes seemed tired.A veil of sadness appeared across his beautiful face the moment he saw her awake in his bed,curled up in herself.

«You are awake.»he noticed with a calm voice,just few hours ago he had just received one of the worst news of his life and she was about to receive it too.

«Where were you?»Y/n asked immediately,she sounded out of breath and panicking with her eyes wide open and scrambling down the bed almost tripping in the sheets,to reach out for him.

Lucerys caught her immediately in his arms,preventing her for falling down«I knew you were tired and i just thought to let you sleep in.»he informed her with a tender voice.

She took a deep breath,closing her eyes,she could still see the terrible imagines that flashed in her head the night before«You didn’t left the Castle?»she asked,stuttering on her words.

He looked confused,but then his expression changed.He remembered why she slept next to him that night,why he stood wide awake for the majority of the time to look a te her,to be ready to save her from her own mind«Not yet.What did you saw?»he asked her quietly.

Y/n felt her heart jumping in her chest,tears in the corner of her eyes as her breath give heavier.She knew he could understand her,he always did,but it was difficult for her to put in words the imagines that she witnessed.It was impossible to do so,it was her curse to never be able to express her feeling freely«Tears will fall from the sky but the earth will be the one crying.»she stuttered out.

Gods,she felt so pathetic and annoyed with herself.In moment like that she wished she wasn’t such a dreamer,she had ruined that life for herself.How could she lived knowing everything but not being able to say it?

Before she could reach with her hands her hair,to pull them with force thanks of the frustration she was feeling,he took them in his and spoke again«You saw his death?»he asked,caressing her soft skin and with the genuine intention to understand her words.

«The seeds of war have already been planted,but only today the first battle will be taken.»she breathed out,her cheeks were stained with tears«So please,come with me.»she pleaded then with a cry.

Lucerys dried her face gently,his expression remained soft.Inside him pure fear was taking place,but he had to remain calm and unbothered to not scare and stress her even more,putting her feelings and needs before her as always«Where?»he said,raising his eyebrows.

Y/n hands where itching for some kind of relief,to bring herself some kind of physical pain to shut down the one in her heart.The thought of living a life without him,to walk on a earth that didn’t have him in it,of losing him forever made her want to scream out everything.But she just couldn’t.

«Everywhere we want,we can find a home everywhere we want!We can travel the world together,visiting a new place every day,having all the cats that we want and leaving everything else behind while we still can!»she was choking at this point,words vomited sob after sob,her vision blurred with hot tears and her hands holding onto him with dear life to savor the feeling of his soft presence.

«But Y/n»he said«I’m already home.»placing his hand on her chest,right where her heart was beating so furiously«My home is in here.»and not truest words were spoken.

He was at home,at ease with himself,a place where he could stretch his bones and feeling safe whenever he was with her.Whenever he felt her heart beating along his,watching her face scrunching up in a smile for the little things she found interest in,being able to speak with her was his home.Right in her heart.

«Luke,please-»she cried out again,she sounded so desperate that made him tremble on his feet.Whatever she dreamt of,was blurred by his mother orders.His love for her was stronger than anything tangible in this world,but his sense of duty was stronger.

«I’ll be fine.I will come and go before you even realized it.»Lucerys tried to reassure her,caressing her arms up and down to bring some warmth to her shivering body.

Y/n shook her head with force«What about me?»she asked with another sob.

«Sweet girl-»he sighed.

«You said you’ll be fine,but what about me?If you decide to go,i will never forgive you!»she almost scream out,she knew she sounded so selfish at the moment but she didn’t care.

«For dying?»he finally said it,the one word that she couldn’t take out from her mouth,the one stuck in her throat that ached in her entire body.

«Missing you will be the thing i will never get over.I cannot walk on this earth without noticing that is entirely empty.»her cries calmed down,but her voice was still hurting.

«Do you think i want this for you?For us?I want you to be my wife,i want you to have my children and to grow old with you.But to have this,we need peace first.I swore to my mother that i would go to the Stormlands to have their support,so that we can have a peaceful future for us.»he explained to her,holding her close and looking into her redden eyes.

It broke his heart to see her like this,of course he was scared and the idea that he could died tore him apart.But he cared more for her,he couldn’t bare the feeling of her being alone again,with no one ready and capable to listen to her and understand her like he did.

He dreamt too sometime,not like she did,but he liked to think that he too saw the future.He dreamt of a withe beach,sunny and warmth weather,a bright sun up in the clear sky.A beautiful young woman,barefoot on the shore,with a blue dress like the calm waves holding the hands of a even more beautiful child with silver hair and purple eyes that laughed with her.A black cat sitting next to them,nuzzling his head on the big belly that the young woman had under her dress.In this dream Y/n was the happier he ever seen her,and he was never in the picture,just an outsider that witnessed the scene from afar.

«Can you get dress and come with me?There is something my mother want to talk about.»Lucerys had to fight with every inch of his body that screamed against him to react for her,to wrap her shaky figure in her arms and shelter her from the rest of the world.But his mother words,the Queen words,were louder in his head.

Y/n said nothing,her mind had all her words trapped in her throat:«I’m not here.This isn’t happening.I’m not here.I’m not here.»were the only thing that came out stuttering while she walked out of his room.

With a pretty light blue dress,her hair free on her shoulders and her hand in his,Y/n made her way into the Dragon Stone Castle war room.Around the wooden table carved like Westeros,her uncle Daemon stood near the fireplace,his hand resting the sword hilt,his cruel and cold eyes set on her figure like a hunter on its pray.

Her older sister,Rhaenyra,had a black cloak on her shoulders,a dark red dress underneath it and on her head was placed the magnificent golden crown that their father and great grandfather wore during their years as rulers.Her lilac eyes were glassy,her face soft and compassionate while she watched her with pure sorrow.

Y/n understood immediately,bowing her head to her sister as soon as she was in front of her«Your grace.»she said with a thin voice.

Rhaenyra gave her a little smile,passing her eyes from her younger sister and her son who was now standing beside his betrothed as always«Sweetheart»the new Queen started with a soothing voice,her warm hands coming to Y/n shoulders to give her some kind of comfort.

«He’s dead.»Y/n said interrupting her,lifting her eyes from the stone cold floor.

Before Rhaenyra could speak again,to try to make her talk about how she felt,to inform her of what happened,Daemon poisonous tone filled the room:«Your mother killed him.»he corrected her with a deadly stare.

Y/n felt Lucerys hand squeezing hers and her eyes starting to burn with the urge to cry«That’s not true.My mother would never do such a thing.»she stated quietly.

Her mother took care of her father and raised his children all by herself,but she would never attempt to the King life.She wished her mind would set her free to speak,to tell everyone what she saw in her dreams,the vivid imagines that hunted her that night,but the gods laughed in her face every time she tried to.

Her uncle unleashed his sword,Dark Sister sharp blade was right under her nose before Lucerys took her place in front of it«I bet that you also didn’t know that your whore of a mother made your drunken brother King?»he asked.

Again that pain in the back of her neck, but this time there was something more. Something that did not belong to her, something that manipulated her from inside«My love» those words had come out of her mouth without her having even thought of them,with a low whisper.

She knew that with her father death a war would’ve happened.The dragons would’ve started their dances and the long peace just a blurred memory.But then again,the right words didn’t came out of her mouth,just what she heard in her dreams.

«I should have you killed for treason!»Daemon said,watching her with the same disgusted expression he reserved for her mother and grandfather.

«If you kill her uncle,you will have to kill me.»Lucerys stated,tilting his chin up and doing his best to not shiver at the cold sensation of the blade that was a few inches from his face.

«No one will die»Rhaenyra spoke immediately,a spark of panic behind her purple eyes as she turned to her husband«Y/n is not our enemy,she’s family.Put that thing down.»she ordered like the Queen she was.

«I didn’t knew it would happened this soon.»Y/n said,looking to her sister with an ashamed expression«I dreamt of a male babe with the crown of the Conqueror being placed on his head.But i didn’t thought it was Aegon.»she explained,with an usure voice.

Daemon let out a dry chuckle,with a stern tone he answered«She is just a stupid little girl,a traitor of her blood.»

Y/n came out from behind Lucerys figure,letting go of his hand«I’m not just a stupid girl.My dreams comes true.»her voice was tired,her eyes were wet and her hands were shaking.

She knew she sounded crazy,the look in her uncle eyes was the one that everyone gave her whenever she started talking and it made her so frustrated that her mind allowed that not giving her the chance to explain her herself truly.

«Dreams don’t mean anything,they are just noise.They are not real.»Daemon cut her off brutally.

«But not hers!»Lucerys was always so ready to defend her,to fight all the battle in her place as his chest was heavy for breathing«Her dreams have sounds and are sharper than reality.Just listen to her!»he demanded raising his voice.

«Should i remind you where your loyalty is,young prince?»his uncle asked.

«Enough!»Rhaenyra roared«Lucerys go get ready,you and your brother will leave in an hour.»she ordered,turning her gaze to her son.

Lucerys bowed his head,his eyes locked with his lover ones before walking out of the room.Leaving her alone,with a strained heart and aching body,Y/n saw Daemon passing next to her and following the young prince.

«I know that you know about the “Song of ice and fire”.»her sister said now that they were alone in the empty room«And i also know that you know why we have to do this.»she continued with a a calm voice.

Y/n nodded,a sour smile on her face«With his death the war of ravens will end.The war of fire and blood will take its place and dragons will start dancing.»she tried to warn her,but as always no one believed her.

Sometimes things happen in life that you are not prepared to face, even though she knew what would happen, she was not ready for how she would feel shortly thereafter.

The cold rain was pouring down in buckets,soaking her shaky figure that was standing still like a tree,in the greens hills outside of the castle.The annoying ticking of those small and thin drops of water that repeatedly bounced here and there on the old tiles, were the only audible noise, at least so it was for her.

She no longer felt anything, when it rained hard, as in that moment, time stopped, it was like a respite in which she could stop doing anything and just contemplate that infinite spectacle: that grayish veil of tears that were poured on her for hours and hours.

“Sky,thank you for crying with me "she thought, she had been waiting for the first thunder to tear through the cobalt-colored sky and turn it gray to do so.

Y/n was trembling,her body covered with chills that made her teeth chatter and clench her fists. It was certainly not from the cold, she was soaked from the tips of her hair, which had stuck to her forehead, cheeks and neck like creepers, to the tips of her boots now full of icy water.

When her sister caned into her room that late evening with tears in her eyes and a piece of paper in her hand,Y/n had ran out of the castle and in the wild fields of the island.

She had had to sit on the ground to be able to at least understand where she was,what was happening and to catch her breath.Her angular knees decorated with old childhood scars began to ache,pressed against the hard ground on which she had dropped herself.Her salivation had gone to zero,her mouth was dry as if she were on a hot summer day,her breathing didn't even know where it had ended, not with the constant sobs that made her lips tremble and compress her rib cage. Her jaw was so tight that her head hurt.

She felt as if she was going to collapse at any moment.She was afraid of melting, but from the rain it is easy to shelter, from the water one dries up.From some sentences instead, from some words one remains wet forever.

In her hands,Y/n was still holding the small piece of paper that her sister gave her.Lucerys last words for her before he was gone forever:

“I believe that there is another world waiting for us.A better world that i dreamt about.And i’ll be waiting for you there,in another life where we can both be cats.Please forgive me.”

Yet Lucerys words had reached her like a faint whisper, almost as if she were in a completely different and distant reality from hers,so she had let herself slip to the ground.

As she placed a hand to her heart,a little smile came across her face«My love,i will forgive you.»

It had been six years since she felt the connection between them disappeared,six years since she had learnt the meaning of the purple hyacinth.Only few hours since Lucerys had died,but his home was in her heart and it’s was like he never left.

#house of the dragon #house of the dragon x reader #hotd spoilers #hotd #house of the dragon spoilers #house of the dragon season 1 #hotd s1 #lucerys velaryon x reader #lucerys x reader #lucerys velaryon #hotd season 1 #house of the dragon imagine #hotd x reader #fire and blood #dance of the dragons #house of the dragon season 2. game of thrones #game of thrones x reader #asoiaf #hotd imagine #lucerys velaryon imagine #already gone #x reader #self insert #imagine #house targaryen #team black #team green #queen rhaenyra #luke velaryon #lucerys strong

[slightlytoastedbagel]

Ok I've already gone into in game AkiAn but I'm the AkiKoha guy in a server so I'm going into in game AkiKoha

In the main story, Akito isn't happy An chose Kohane to be her singing partner. She's a rookie, has no clue at all about singing or RAD Weekend (Toya at least had a musical background). Plus, An is Ken's daughter. You know, the guy he idolizes? Also Akito and An hold some respect for each other as they share the same dream. For her to spend so long waiting for the right partner and to then choose someone with no tie to music at all, Akito most definitely felt conflicted about it.

However, there's the fact Kohane at the beginning of the main story is in a fairly similar position to Akito when he first ended up on Vivid Street.

Kohane at the beginning didn't have a dream or ambition, she wasn't like Minori who tried again and again in idol auditions, she wasn't like An who she saw singing on the side of the street with so much passion.

Compare that to the younger Akito we see in Summer Festival, he just quit soccer because he thought he wouldn't be able to bring the same level of devotion to it. When Ena takes him to see the concert he decides to try again with music. When he watches RAD Weekend he turns to street music in particular. The two shared a similar sense of not being able to fully commit themselves to a specific thing.

Not to mention that a lot of Vivid Bad Squad's story links back to resolve. That's what Akito was testing in the main story, even if he doesn't go about it the best way, and it's what Kohane realised as well. She doesn't even hold it against him at the end, when Akito and Toya have their conflict she goes out of her way to speak to both of them. (And forgive me because it's been a while, but if I remember correctly An says Kohane doesn't need to do so herself.)

Kohane is thankful to Akito for helping her come to terms with committing to street music. When the main story ends and Vivid Bad Squad is formed, Akito is able to recognise that she does have the resolve. We don't get as much for them in the event stories but I do want to point out Kick It Up A Notch, where Akito backs Kohane up on letting her open for them at Crawl Green. That's significant because Find A Way Out establishes how important the Crawl Green event is to Akito, it's his chance of redemption at the place he once made a fool of himself at. He trusts Kohane enough to open for such a significant event for him.

AkiKoha is about acknowledgement and trust. They literally have a kizuna rank titled "Acknowledging Your Resolve". Akito acknowledged Kohane could commit to surpassing RAD Weekend, Kohane trusted his judgement to change so she could. Kohane acknowledged how important Crawl Green would be to him, Akito trusted her to open for them.

I wish that was acknowledged (haha) more. Both in a platonic and romantic sense.

#bagel's rambles #akikoha #funny enough this was also inspired by someone not happy with how they're interpreted in fanon #and said person is right btw. they're not just typical shoujo couple #they share the lack of a musical background an and toya have. they both had to learn to commit fully to music #it's just akito already went through that slump and his arc is about learning he doesn't have to play catch up anymore #and kohane's is learning how to commit to that dream and stand on her own two feet #(and if that person is reading hi thank you for inspiring me to make this) #someone set me off on antoya and toyakoha then i'll have the whole set of the overlooked dynamics of vbs #(tbf sometimes anhane and akitoya are overlooked as well but. you know what i mean) #eh idk if i want to main tag this #this has been done in one go so it's definitely not perfect. once march 2nd fic is done i'll get into writing this out fully

[mirageofficial]

      ─      WELCOME  TO  MIRAGE.MP3   ! !

                (  EP. 01     UNRELEASED  MUSIC  )

     ─      MY  WORLD!!       ( 2019 )

" welcome to my world, a place far away from your fears "

" when our different colors paint the same dream, we're free "

" this is the moment when two different worlds are one "

MY WORLD is the song that was originally meant to be MIRAGE's debut title track, written in early 2019 and scrapped from the tracklist of LUCID DREAMING : LEVEL1. most of MIRAGE regrets removing it for the sake of it’s sound, but they chose to not release it at debut because it would fit their lore later on in their discography. teased and leaked by fans, many theorize it will be on the tracklist for their first comeback after the 2024 hiatus.

     ─      DEJA  VU!!       ( 2021  )

" it feels as if i had a dream in a dream, my body knows you "

" all my senses are dulled by your magnetic attraction "

" i'm confused about whether it's an illusion or an illness "

originally written by the producer unit & their studio team, DEJA VU was abandoned by MIRAGE because they felt it would potentially only be seen as a seductive track—not for its actual meaning. instead of scrapping the song (which was written by the producers until the first half of verse two), MIRAGE passed it to ATEEZ. it became the title track of ZERO : FEVER, PART 3 and the lyrics were completed by HONGJOONG and MINGI.

     ─       WHO  I  AM!!       ( 2021  )

" i'm the writer of this story, the genre is fantasy "

" look at me now, all the trivial things have become distant "

" you are someone's dream come true, a deja vu of some perfect day "

written and briefly recorded in 2021, WHO I AM was projected be one of the title tracks for the 2022 THIS IS A MIRAGE project. the message was perfect for their second studio album, it’s packed with self-confidence while encouraging listeners to stay true to themselves and write their own destiny… just like MIRAGE. sadly, as the album was being developed, the girls and their team felt it couldn’t fit anywhere in the tracklist—that it's sound was far more fitting for FESTIVAL—hence, why it has never been released.

     ─      CYPHER!!       ( 2022  )

" i made a wish, amen, but also… mayday "

" there's no referee, there's no one on my side "

" save me from this empty world "

CLICK FOR LYRICS!!

CYPHER is the unreleased track from the rap unit of the group, these three are also its producers. originally meant to be a b-side for the REBIRTH project in 2023, CYPHER was rejected for this comeback from the company due to its explicitness & concerning lyrics. their management felt that where it’s crucial to be honest, the song would cause mass backlash from the general public for calling out the music industry/big three companies’ privileges/schemes unfairly impacting them.

today, CYPHER still remains a song that the unit wishes to share with their fans, it shares their vivid struggles with mental health and their desire to keep going as MIRAGE. it’s a taste of what the group’s music would be like if they kept their rap concept.

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[wackyart]

Dear Fanfic/Book Writer,

Hey there, my wonderful friend !

I wanted to drop you a little note to remind you of something incredibly important: your stories matter, and they make a difference. I know you've been feeling a bit doubtful lately, but I want you to know that your work has a profound impact on others, including me. Remember those times when we stayed up all night, devouring stories with wide-eyed wonder ? Giggling and kicking our feet in the middle of the night, knowing we should be sleeping but the plot was so good and tension so high we had to read the next chapter ? The frustrated groan we let out as we realized the fic had not been updated since 2014 or something ? The matching screams as the characters finally kissed after CHAPTERS of yearning and slow-burn ? The way the characters came to life, making us laugh, cry, and feel everything in between ? Well, your words have the power to transport us to another world too. Someone in this big a$$ world is exactly like this, reading yours. Someone out there is giggling, screaming, awake at 3 am, reading your fic, taking a pause and making faces at yours. You'll be the person they mention in their text when they talked to their friends, recommending your works, leaving comments and kudos, reblogging your stuff, and overall just buzzing with happiness and energy as they receive the email telling them you just updated. They're going to be the one stopping their stuff dead in their tracks to just run and read your work. I'm 3000% sure someone out there is absolutely in love with you and your work(s). With the way you describe feelings, characters, make those sometimes heartbreaking scenes that tug at our heartstrings... Someone out there is reacting the same way we did back then and that's one of the most beautiful things in this Galaxy. You are and will be someone the reader remember. You will be the one they mention to their friends, maybe even make fanarts of your works or even start writing because you're inspiring them. I'm 25 but trust and believe I remember those fics I was reading at 12/13 and the overwhelming joy I felt reading them. They were a beacon of light in the darkness of my home and my friend, you are this beacon of light for someone.

Your storytelling talent is a gift. You have this incredible ability to capture emotions, create vivid scenes, and bring characters to life in a way that resonates with people. Your stories touch hearts, ignite imaginations, and even inspire others to pursue their own creative passions and no one in this Galaxy is going to change the way you make them feel, the way you inspire them.

I know it's easy to doubt ourselves and question if our work truly matters. But let me assure you, your stories matter. They have the power to uplift spirits, bring comfort during tough times, and provide an escape from the chaos of everyday life/life's problems. Your words create a safe haven, a place where readers can find comfort and companionship, a community we all long for at some point in our lives.

Never underestimate the impact you have on others. Your stories have left an imprint on my heart and the hearts of countless others and are still leaving marks on us. Your unique perspective, your creativity, and your dedication to your craft shine through every word you write and we are grateful and thankful you are choosing to share them with us.

So please, don't give in to those moments of self-doubt. Believe in yourself and your stories just as much as we believe in them, believe in you. Embrace the power of your imagination and keep sharing your beautiful creations with the world. You never know whose life you might touch, whose spirits you might uplift, or whose dreams you might ignite and I know you already have ignited more than one soul with your work(s).

Your words are a gift. You are a gift. And the world needs your gift more than ever. Keep writing, keep creating, and keep shining your light through your stories. I believe in you, and I'm grateful to call myself a fan of your incredible talent Bestie 💖 With love, [Wacky/ Bucky_]

#writer #writer motivation #fanfic #ao3 stuff #ao3 writer #ao3 #fanfic writer #indie writer #indie author #ao3 author #author #writing community #book writing #writing motivation #fic writing

[svquence]

⋆ ★ “18, what a nightmare”

✿ pairing! quantum jumper!yang jungwon x reader ✿ genre! sci-fi (?) ✿ wc! 1.4k ✿ warnings! kinda angsty, happy ending, one curse word lmao, this is a mess

❀ A/N! i added limits to quantum jumping for the sake of the fic. this is pure fiction! therefore don’t take this as how quantum jumping really works. almost everything said here is just for the effect of the fic. Once again im a new writer so bare with me. Love u guys!

———————————————————————

If there was one thing Jungwon could’ve changed, it would’ve been his life purpose. Oh, how he wishes he could’ve been just a normal guy, one that could finish education, engage in things he enjoys, maybe even find a lover that he could spend the rest of his days with. Yet, Jungwon was not able to get that. The young man he wished to be, wasn’t in his reach.

His purpose was to travel in between realities, explore the bigger part of the universe and find answers to what the higher beings wished to know. Tho, Jungwon never knew why he was the one chosen to do this, but he had no choice but to obey and no chance of changing his mission.

The red haired boy’s life started when he was born in Korea, thinking he was meant to live a normal life just like the people around him, yet it wasn’t like that, and it would never be like that. From a child who everyone thought had an incredible imagination, to a young man with a mission, therefore being a quantum jumper. All of his life, Jungwon had vivid dreams every night of things he couldn’t even understand, he sometimes found himself in places that he couldn’t even explain, but no one understood him when he came back. No one believed him, thus the young boy was always viewed as just an adorable imaginative child. Eventually, he had to give up trying to explain his situation, which made everything harder.

It was never his choice for his life to play like this. If there was one thing he regretted most, tho, it was meeting you. But at the same time, it was one of the best things that could’ve happened to him. Being childhood friends, ever since you talked to him in primary school, to growing up having a crush on you. If he knew that this was his fate, he would’ve never made plans for your guys’ future, never gotten attached to you, or even talked to you. But he did all of those things and regret is now suffocating him.

The poor boy didn’t even have any idea of what was waiting for him. Thats how he found himself in his bed, right before his 18th birthday, planning how his birthday would go and how he would confess his feelings to you. He was so ready, equally happy and excited as well. Little did he know that in that night, he would cut ties with this reality for way too long. Longer than he wanted to. As he fell asleep, he imagined himself being with you. Of course he did, because you too felt the same way. You both showed it, its just that one had to take a step forward and that would’ve been him. But now, he couldn’t. He wasn’t aware of it, at least.

When he found himself in yet another inexplicable place, he was less than not phased, because this has been going on forever. One thing he didn’t know, was that this time, he wasn’t going back.

As he saw how much time has passed without him going back, he was confused and especially anxious. Was he going to lose his birthday? His confession? He couldn’t. Even if his body was still there, doing everything he planned to do, he wanted to be there. He wanted to feel it.

He kept thinking that he needs to wake up, he was trying his hardest to pull his awareness back to his body, but that was until an unknown energy, yet with a bright and positive aura came to his current body and talked to him in the sweetest yet saddest tone he ever heard. “Please stop trying, Jungwon. You have a mission to finish. Going back isn’t a choice yet” He was confused, but he was more shocked than anything. The moment this being of light stopped sharing its message, he looked back at it and screamed as he felt tons of emotions at once “What the fuck is going on? Why can’t i go back? WHAT mission?” he spilled out as tears swelled up in his eyes. He could feel that this energy was protective, hence he immediately calmed down after shouting at it out of anger. He felt in a way, calm. “You’ll find out, for now i can’t give you any answers, but i will guide you the best i can. Good luck, Jungwon” the energy said as it slowly started disappearing into thin air. The moment he tried to reach for it, it was gone. All that could be heard after was Jungwon’s screams and cries, him begging for it to all be dream. He couldn’t see his parents, friends and especially you for so long. Yet he got up, as he reminded himself that he just had to finish the mission in order to go back. He will see all of you again, no way he could give up. It couldn’t take that long, right?

As for you? That day you woke up ecstatic because it was your best friend’s and crush’s birthday! Oh, little did you know, that a part of Jungwon was out there, struggling to see you again. Yet, you would never notice, because Jungwon? He was still here, with you. He just wasn’t aware of it.

Your best friend was finding information and answers to so much stuff, he met so many different beings, but his only focus was still on you. All he did was for you, and it took him thousands of years to finally finish his purpose. Although, in your timeline, only 65 years have passed. For one second, Jungwon didn’t forget you.

The moment he was congratulated, his questions were answered and he was given the free will to finally travel wherever he wanted, the boy was ecstatic. Yet, it still took him way too long to find his original timeline again, because even tho he could, he didn’t know how to travel where he wanted.

As he saw himself in his original timeline, the boy, now temporarily an old man was found in a small yet beautiful house. He rose from the bed, and as he recalled his memories from this body, he realized the things he feared most. His parents were long gone, his friends were now old and all married & ill, and you, his now wife, was dead. When he tried to get out of bed in order to analyze his surroundings, he realized that it was all true. He, himself, was now old. Which he wouldn’t have hated, but he didn’t see any of his loved ones or himself grow up. As fast as he could, he reached your grave, which wasn’t far from the house. Everything was so beautiful, your “forever place” was covered in beautiful flowers, perfectly positioned under a tree which gave it the prettiest shadow ever seen, yet it was the saddest sight he saw in all of his years. As he stared at the name thats carved on the decorated piece of stone, the name he sighted was yours, and it broke him.

And as tears left his eyes, thats when he decided, that no matter what, he would find a way to travel to another reality where everyone he loved most wasn’t out of his life. And he did, but it took him so long to learn and finally be able to reach it. He jumped in between realities for so long. Nevertheless, he never gave up.

As he woke up in his original bedroom that he fell asleep in the night before everything happened, he was enthusiastic. Before he could even recall his memories from this body, in order to tell if he was in his desired place, he saw his parents, but more importantly you, staring at him from the doorway. When he spotted a cake with the numbers 1 and 8 on it, as you and his parents screamed “Happy birthday, Jungwon!” he finally sighed in relief. That’s the moment where the red haired boy realized that it was finally over. He could finally live the life he always dreamed of. In the end, he was free.

#jungwon x reader #yang jungwon #jungwon #enhypen #enhypen jungwon #jungwon enhypen #enhypen imagine #enhypen x reader #enhypen scenarios #enhypen x gender neutral reader #enhypen x you #jungwon x you #jungwon x y/n #enhypen x y/n #enhypen angst #enhypen fluff #enhypen imagines #enhypen fic #jungwon imagines #enha x y/n #enha x you #enha fanfic #enha x reader #enha imagines #enha scenarios #enha jungwon #enha imagine #enha fics #enha fic #jungwon fluff

[dredshirtroberts]

my dreams lately tend to be pretty anxious (because i'm moving soon and my brain HATES this - also my birthday is coming up and I have Very Complex Feelings about my birthday as an event. very excited about getting older), and also very vivid. I've been remembering the vast majority of them rather detailed rather than the Notion Something Bad Happened which has been the case for most of the winter so far.

Last night i was being chased by cops through an area where every city was a different decade - like just stuck in that decade. It was also a video game? Mainly because i was encouraged to pull a McElboys and kill someone on accident because i didn't know how the controls worked yet, and then i had the cops from specifically the 1970s city after me because i had done a death to someone. So I'm hiding and hoping to reach the next city over, and spend a lot of time attempting to hide from the authorities. We finally make it to the next city over and realize it's the 1950s and we wanted to actually go the *other* direction to the 1990s at *least* so we have to GO BACK through the 1970s city, which is also the city where the college my sister went to is located for some reason and is also a city that runs on Musical Rules.

We can't get caught if we get the student populace to start singing so we can blend in.

There's also demons following us and attempting to capture us? I had magic that appeared like Falin's magic in Dungeon Meshi to take care of it and I could just eliminate them from existence but the magic didn't work on the cops or I would have done that.

I kept making all sorts of new friends who were doing their best to help me, and in the other cities people assumed I was one of them, instead of me which helped. But as soon as we were back in the one from the 70s i had to be super sneaky again.

Anyway... felt like sharing that the time-cops didn't get me and i got to scare the fuck out of my school bus driver from when i was a small child (he was driving the school bus we were on to try and get through the 1970s area faster, but we had to get off right before the university which was at the edge of the city) which was fun because he was kind of an asshole IRL and maybe shouldn't have been driving kids around.

also i doubt that in the 1950s diners were considered High Society Hangouts where people did dress exchanges between each other if you couldn't afford a nice enough dress. but that was kind of a fun element to it all.

#there was also a museum that had walls that were doors and not everyone knew them? #i played like 7 hours of stardew valley yesterday idk why my dream was specifically about Actual Cities/Areas I've been in but in various #decades with an element of magic from Anime I'm Watching plus also a musical plus also kind of elden ring #i mean other than that those are other things i've seen recently and must be processing but usually if i go on a gaming binge all day #i only get that game not others #and all of this because i have an anxiety disorder! you're welcome :3

[aannonn]

i just woke up from my lil' nap and i gotta share this dream that FINALLY it is not a nightmare!! ><

okokok- so

My dream involved me being at school (bad start already /hj) together with another boy I've never seen in my life, and apparently this other boy and I were close…? Maybe dating? Maybe only in a queerplatonic relationship? I have no idea, but that's not the point

now that u guys know the context, im gonna go crazy over this dream for a bit (its been a LONG time ever since i felt this attached and warmed up towards a dream... let me be happy sighswhsh))

gsiwhhs i've never seen this boy in my life, but apparently Dream! Me has and we were so?? so fricking affectionate towards each other?? Even loving nicknames??? he even played my favorite comfort childhood game with meeeEee waaWAwaaaw (oh how much I wished I met someone in real life who loved this game just as much as I did,,, wAAAA)

truth be told; I was never ever affectionate with any of my irl friends. Only with my family. I never told them "i love you" like how i would do with my family (i loved them anyway don't get me wrong siggwhsh). I never hugged them in the most random times ever just because i wanted to be close to them and feel their warmth. I never took an initiative to hold their hand because i wanted to feel like they were still here and feel safe with them. Doing any of these things just felt.. Awkward for me to do, for some reason.

If anything; In these friendships, they were always the ones who initiated the physical contact, and even after 5-6 years of friendship, I was never the one to initiate it.

AND EVEN THEN- I just. felt kinda awkward whenever they hugged me or held my hand??? Like. I was not disgusted and/or umcomfortable by it or anything, it was actually kinda nice, but i just felt awkward with this sudden physical contact with people that aren't any of my family members--

I never felt comfortable enough with them to actually be openly clingy and affectionate and saying "ilysm>< <333" so often because that's just how i would usually express love-

I loved them, yes, and I still feel like i do even though these friendships ended a long time ago- But my way of expressing my love with them was just. Different. It was reserved. It was just. So different from how I usually would express my love for my loved ones.

So for me to be the one initiating physical contact with someone who is not part of my family.. Being so openly clingy and affectionate in public without caring about others staring at us… That was just. So very relieving.

and not only that-- but i could apparently feel this dream! boy's warmth??? and i still remember the sensation- waawaaw

Gosh. Everything in this dream was so vivid and so genuinely real... It was really nice. And warmth.

sighswhsahs

this dream made me wish I had irl! friends that I could actually feel comfortable enough to be clingy with them now sighs (as long as they're comfortable with it, ofc1!1)

#;.;

[9800sblog]

How is taehyung feel toward his fs at these days?

do I have his energy permission to do and share this reading? 2 of cups

there are two contrasting energies, one is much more practical, the other is impressive. I don't usually do readings this deep but the message I got was that this information needs to "find a real way to get it out of him".

he thinks this person is incredibly sexy, they are charismatic and kind, and he likes their energy, it feels comfortable, a little underwhelming, I must say. there is a lot of ugliness here, he might think this person is uncompromising, too difficult to talk to, they don't listen to him, I think he feels misunderstood and small. he doesn't seem confident that they're gonna make it, he may think he's been led astray by his attraction and excitement. he seems to be holding tightly to his money, he may think this person will dry him out because they love shiny things. he seems to love to give money to them, because it doesn't matter as much to him as this person matters to him, but i think he is investing and saving money for his dream family. there is a lot of heartbreak in here, from what I've read about him through tarot, he seems to idealize romance a lot, and it's like no matter how much he tries, he just can't get the results he wants. so he may marry for practicality, the one that feels the closest to what he really dreams of, because he might think that he's being realistic and nice to himself. and wouldn't say he doesn't like this person, but there's something missing.

this is what he fantasizes about, this is where explores his imagination, he feels like a kid, he's just so purely happy that I cannot find the words to really describe it. I have a paper on my desk where i am right now, where I drew a bunch of ramdom flowers, I could see him hopping through those very colorful, vivid flowers with the biggest smile and the wind blowing on his face, the drawings are in black and white. he loves this energy, this is like a really good dream, where he's wearing loose clothes in a cottage and just playing around, having the best time of his life, i cannot describe how good, pure and liberating this energy feels. in practical, conscious ways, it doesn't seem possible and he gets really really sad about that, but he just kind of gives up and moves on, because he thinks there's nothing he can do about it, like he doesn't have control over this. also, he currently has a girlfriend, he might feel it's not fair if he fantasizes, instead of focusing on being good to a real partner that he already, currently has. I just remembered this one book that I read, the protagonist would have these dreams with this other person she has never met, they lived in an island and they had something they had to achieve. the dreams kept happening throughout her whole life, they saw each other grow up and mature, she felt the most fulfilled in her entire life while she had those fantasies. except, they accidentally met in real life one day, they were real people and they weren't the dream that the other had seen in their mind, they had saggy boobs and beer belly, instead of six-packs and strong arms. i dont know what happens next because i have adhd and can't remember the last time i finished a book, but that was the energy and I totally forgot about this story until now (i still have the book, it's called hugo & rose). it's like he won't know what love is until he meets this person, he might have an idea and he might love people close to him, but nothing would feel as groundbreaking as this.

#taehyung #V #bts tarot

[the-one-who-lambs]

I just had the most vivid dream

I met Shamura. I don't know how either of us got there and I don't really know exactly where it was. But I've been struggling a lot with motivation recently (just life in general, since long story short my best friend has to move out for health reasons and they're my biggest support system). So I asked them, Shamura, how do you keep going?

I don't remember what they said word for word but they just looked at me sadly and said something like "...Oh... It's an easy answer in theory, but hard in practice. I keep going for my family, because I have to be strong for them. I keep going to care for the order of the Old Faith." And they asked me what keeps me going.

I told them I didn't really know anymore, that I had been struggling recently which is why I asked them. I just figured they'd have something wise to say

And they just gave me a look and I don't really know how to describe it, like sympathetic but also just. So tired. Their presence was comforting but they had this aura of seeming constantly burdened. And they just... mentored me and said something like this

"Then if I may, I will offer you some simple advice to keep your head above the waters, when the night is dark and deep keep a small light burning within you. It doesn't matter what it is, it doesn't have to burn bright, but keep it deep within yourself and see to it that it never dies out. When the darkness pulls you down, reach within yourself and let the light guide you, it will keep you afloat when the darkness is thickest"

and I knew what it was, so I told them. It's a few things, a few people

Shamura smiled at me and told me to never let go of my light, that I would become a shining beacon of hope or something like that, and told me to rest well and that they'd protect me

And then I woke up. It was jarring. I already shared this story on discord but I wanna keep as many details as I can before the dream fades because that's what usually happens as I go about my day

What else...

Have y'all ever gone to your grandparents' house and opened a dresser drawer that smelled musty, like it hadn't been opened in 15 years, but also with a very faint lingering perfume? That's what being in that dream smelled like

Shamura looked lowkey creepy af but they were so calm that it felt impossible to be scared around them.

Idk what the hell that dream was about but it felt very vivid. I had a rough day yesterday but today I feel like... inexplicably at peace.

#hannah's rambles #cult of the lamb #shamura #what the shit #Hannah writes #kinda?

[lauvra]

I quietly reeled it in but haven't yet sat to pull twine from the part of my mind that has taken a sentinel roll wetting itself out in the world this week and it's been an eventful one. I'm a little worried what didn't sink in but I'll recall what I can. Xiao Lu, photographer and performance artist working between Sydney and Beijing had her first Melbourne installation on Friday at Mars Gallery on the same night as Melbourne based Artist Emil Canita and admittedly Lu's installation 'The Dignity of Remembering' came as a pleasant surprise to me. I was really moved by her work, fell into it in a sensory way and felt my heart open when she said she hoped her work helped people to understand her a little better because it felt like permission. I almost cried because it was such an honest thing for any Artist to admit. At least, I thought so. I'm intending to travel back and give it the attention I couldn't offer wholly that day though because I turned up to Mars to see a Gloryhole, knowing it would be an event to remember. It was. The building overflowed with the most playfully dressed, beautiful cliques and Ruby said this was the biggest opening night she'd seen in her time at the gallery. We all took a breather outside while Emil shared a statement upstairs nestled tight with his community. For a bit of information, he shared he was raped as a child and this naturally impacted his capacity for 'play' during sexual experiences into adulthood, through a journey with EMDR therapy he began experiencing vivid dreams and during one he owned a Gloryhole. He acted on this dream and began operating one within his northside apartment during Covid where he tended to (I heard) 800+ cocks and was a sole source of tenderness for many straight-identifying men during that time. Some of these men consented to being photographed and there was a four hour video - the echoes of which carried gently through the gallery during the owner's address to Xiao's work - from 19 men who were willing to be part of the project, then the Gloryhole itself; a thin wood panel wall with basic supports and a rectangular cutout at it's centre at the centre of the room. A series of framed photographs also hung on the wall upon which Emil wrote about whoever was in the picture, what they did for one another and what was shared. As an observer, it was difficult for me as a small straight-appearing female to manoeuvre through the crowds to read every piece without succumbing to the sensory input of the room and realising I've been staring meaningfully at a warmly saturated photograph of a cock or asshole and barely absorbing any of the words scrawled overtop. Part of my experience was that I felt intrusive. It was a really intimate experience and when another curator, Angela kept me company up there I said the thing that immediately struck me was how we could all just walk directly through the door into this moment of vulnerability and intimacy, when it takes an entire life to get there then a laborious act to draw out the softness in a man to be willing to say things he's never said. Some of these people were married and living double lives. That level of honesty is my favourite aspect of physical intimacy and of Art, it's what I realise so many of my experiences lacked and I've been abstinent because I wont tolerate anything less and I shame my Art when it lacks this also. I walked away with a new understanding that there were experiences through the lens of the male lived experience I'd never understand; but that I didn't judge it. When we were outside with our warm glasses of wine I thought, then said; 'I could be a little more tender," that's a realisation I step away from artworks with often lately. I love men. I believe in the healing powers of fellatio and authentic connection between consenting adults and I really didn't mean to make a post this long only about Emil Canita's 'At First I Was Afraid' exhibit but it was not some shallow point of view or easy attention grab and I plan to go back during quiet hours to read those stories more thoughtfully.

#me #word #I reached the word limit #I actually have so much more than this to say

[casketscratch]

i need to note this here before i forget but last night we had a... something, man, i don't know. an episode? we lost all feeling from the waist down, collapsed three times and finally passed out in the hallway after a pinched nerve released. mom says we were only out cold or a few seconds, but it felt like a full on year. the tl;dr is we had some kind of communication breakthrough but holy shit i think it shorted out our nervous system like, physically? stuff feels amazing though? fantastic even.

there was the most vivid, loud, borderline lucid dream i have ever had, and it felt like i had fallen asleep. everyone and everything felt real, and like a year of activity had passed, and what i am getting at is that i think we switched, hard, and that other subsystem came knocking.

and switching like that meant i got my ass thrown into the inner world for the first time. i remember communicating with other alters who were finally like, fully formed, not fragments, completely audible, no guess work, seemed to exist in full 3D, like we were just hanging out in the same room forever? and it was so peaceful, just, holy fuck. (especially since moments earlier we were thinking we were going to die, like, we were absolutely terrified and thought it might be a stroke or something. none of this was fun until we actually, finally blacked out properly, and the only reason we didn't fall down the stairs was because Christian's a logic wizard and was like if we stand right here we will collapse on this railing and flop over it. nobody move. thanks bro!)

and the specifics of anything we talked about got wiped out when i woke up a few seconds later. i know it happened. i can almost kind of sort of see it if i really, really try now. but it's just gone, mostly. except the dead certainty about it, kind of deal.

two weeks ago, ish, we'd agreed with the other, trauma-holding subsystem to start trying to communicate more and share memories. and we were basically told like, okay. it's going to take a while to rebuild lines of communication. give us a couple weeks.

they were just very... matter of fact about it, i guess. enough so that i (sach) thought they might be lying because they just wanted to go away again, or something. which, like, fair, i didn't follow up with them because i figured they wanted a break.

they had one thing to ask of us, which was to make sure the host would be okay with it. if we were sure he could handle it. but it's going to be hard, there's going to be blackouts, and your host has to accept that it's going to happen -- he's going to get switched out, not the "watching over someone's shoulder" bullshit, not the grayouts, not any kind of gentle or covert amnesia. it's gonna hit like a fucking truck. (we've, apparently, tried this before.)

(i write this like it was a fucking conversation and clear as hell but piecing all of this together took weeks of fragmented bits of conversation being carried through the system and journalling again. we have slept so much the past few weeks and i think this was why. there was some deep level processing going on.)

and then two weeks later, a pinched nerve in our back, the one that's been ruined for like 25 years now, releases and i lose all feeling. first in my legs, and then from the waist up, and the entire time the system was SO LOUD. there was just... voices, clear and direct and no one we knew, all of them shouting input on what to do and arguing, and we just kept fucking collapsing and our vision kept swimming in and out. i'd been dissociated as fuck all day leading up to it all, and hadn't really clocked it, either.

and i know there were memories and flashbacks. i'd collapse and remember something, kind of thing (i was basically like, trying to stumble toward my mom's bedroom door because i couldn't speak or shout for help either, which... flashbacks, man).

it felt like successive waves of different kinds of pins and needles from my tongue to my waist for a long time. still couldn't talk, either.

this morning my back has never felt better. i'm more mobile than i have been in actual years. there's still so much noise internally, like someone is blasting speakers and playing their favourite songs to drown out other conversations, i am shamelessly doing a lot of drugs to try to ride this out, noise.

but i also have feeling in my right shoulder for the first time since it was injured when i was a kid, and i'm like... oh.

a lot of our hosts struggle with denial a lot. and then sometimes there are things that are just so very clearly, oh we are a system. oh this is an 'us' situation and the diagnosis was real, and denial's not even possible right now, things. when everything is so clear, and the world is 3D instead of through a glass pane, and we can access and hear the system all at once.

just, oh. we do have an inner world, and it is that way, and all of this is possible, and that other subsystem was real as hell and made good on their promise. the memories are their memories. they are actually, truly working with us on this side. and i think that's going to mean more full time loss, for real, but having seen the inner world and experienced switching Like That... that's totally okay. like the fear and panic our host system had about it evaporated once they finally got there. they just got there kinda. violently, was all.

and it IS going to take time to rebuild connections as those barriers thin and come down. there are a lot of us who like to literalize it, you know, neural pathways are literally lighting up or reconnecting, and it takes time to recondition and strengthen those bonds. which, yeah, sure, basically that. pick a metaphor. we're building a VPN tunnel to the other system, we're laying down roads, we're sending carrier pigeons, whatever. (every subsystem seems to have its own organizational metaphor, and communication is much easier if we can like... get on their level about it, basically, so. sure. old school VPN tunnels. a+ strategy to maintain barriers, i guess, is having everyone speaking different languages?)

i guess basically i'm being thrown by the fact that sometimes it really does work the way other people/systems talk about it and holy shit. i never thought we'd get here. i never thought i'd be able to move like this again, either. i mean. i'm still broken as hell and there's a lot of other pain i'm discovering now, but i'll take the improvement in my back, omf.

anyway as usual i cannot and do not shut up so this is long and circuitous as hell, you're all welcome.

#sacha's tag #system things #thank fuck we still have 2 more months of leave from work lmao

[oracleact]

this is going to be a very personal ramble but I’m certain there’s people out there who will be able to relate in some way, regardless of how much I speak on my own behalf.

I just finished watching godzilla vs kong (2021) for the first time and I want to talk a bit about it from the perspective of a forever outcast.

“I’m homesick all the time...I just don’t know where home is.” [sarah addison allen]

by ‘forever outcast’ I mean as someone who has never felt truly whole in this world. and, as I grow older, I only continue to realise that I’ll never be able to feel a sense of desired wholeness. what I seek is not here with us, nor will it be within reach. I seek everything that is not humanity: the monstrous and their ways, harmony and delicacy in new shapes, to be kept away from the draining days I face simply existing amongst fellow humans.

“I am tired. these people make me feel I have a hole in the middle of me.” [d.h. lawrence]

being here like this isn’t meant for me and it gnaws at me every day unfortunately. it’s a strange type of limbo to be stuck in, especially as I understood and felt the depths of something missing around me/in my core at a very young age. I’ve been stuck with this feeling for about fifteen years now and it doesn’t get any better - like an itch I can’t scratch.

“inside me, all day, an emptiness that upsets me.” [albert camus]

in fiction however...that missing piece is created, multiplied and scattered everywhere. a fictional perfection can be shown right in front of me, right there just through a screen, I can reach out to it...although that’s what makes me the most emotional. it can be comforting at times but mostly it makes me sad. it’s a reminder that I can dream about a place I feel whole, but not hope for it. it’s a reminder that hope in this way is empty; that leaves the gap in my heart throbbing and somehow feeling deeper than it was previously.

“in the bottom of my soul, there’s an intense and invisible grief, a sadness like the sound of someone crying in a dark room.” [fernando pessoa]

I’ve always connected with kong in particular when it comes to seeing a version of my heart or life that is fulfilled. I’ve always dreamt of being by his side, to be warm and protected. I can be as quiet as I want to, I can be as gentle as I want to, with no blow backs in sight. I think it’s because of how close he is to us in mannerisms and expressions. he’s a beautiful creature to share a moment of understanding with.

more specifically with kong: I have dreamt of being in a world that is his. the safety of a giant king in a place that I am free to explore, to communicate with a being so vastly different to myself and create a strong bond - something special that only we have.

that place is hollow earth and that bond is what kong and jia have in the film. godzilla vs kong has given me a vivid fictional perfection that is just breathtaking and it has left me quite emotional. I can’t stop thinking about it because of how snug I fit in that space.

I want this so bad it aches. I wish I could punch a hole in the middle of the earth and disappear to a place where I can be free. I’m very tired and need to feel the love and care that I’ve forever craved for, and being in a vicious cycle of saying that and then remembering ‘oh yeah that can’t happen because the huge monster beings you seek to love and care for you don’t even exist’ damn man...that hurts.

people think it’s strange, people don’t understand why I have these emotions and desires so intensely and it’s hard to explain to them anyway as you can probably tell if you’ve managed to get to the end of this, but would I rather not have this gap in my chest? honestly, no. not really. it’s unique and has taught me a lot about humanity, life and love. I see the world I’m stuck in differently from others and that’s a gift I often appreciate - it doesn’t make the hurt any less prominent though.

the hurt comes in handy with film analysis all of the time - that’s always a positive. I’ve got a fresh eye for love and friendship in ‘unlikely’ pairings that some may not be able to explain or even pick up on and I’m always willing to dive into it. that’s the comforting part, that’s when my tears are more directed by the flow of passion rather than sadness.

embrace the way you love, think and dream. I know it may cause splinters to cover your heart every so often but trust me, embracing with tears in your eyes is so much better than running in the opposite direction with the same tears.

#this was...*a lot*...apologies #but I needed to let this out in some kind of way #oracleact chats #monster lover #monster x human

[rpmemesbyarat]

RP Meme from “Legend” (1985) Part 2 of 2

“You're a plucky little partridge.” “You just can't beat me!” “They killed you too?” “When evil anarchy ruled the land, the wicked came here to sacrifice.” “Ugly. I hate it.” “Why always me?” “All the heavenly angels must envy your beauty.” “That's discerning taste, for one so young.” “It's the stench of hell itself!” “Let's just say I went looking for adventure, and found more than I could handle.” “We are all in the same fix!” “Iron is trouble for elves.” “I don't think I can handle it! Help me!” “Oh, you beast!” “How dare you keep such secrets?” “You call that a kiss?” “Am I not sweet?” “Oh, it's fairy magic.” “This is just more fairy glamour.” “Human hearts don't work that way.” “What care I for human hearts?” “A fairy's heart beats fierce and free!” “Your fine sensibilities have left us here to rot!” “You look like mourners at your own funeral.” “You mortal, you!” “A terrible sight for a sober man.” “I think I'll stay right here, thank you very much.” “It's better if we go in teams.” “It has been an eternity since I felt such desire.” “She fascinates you because her soul is pure.” “That's a horse, you idiot.” “Does the gown not please you?” “Beneath the skin, we are already one.” “Even now the evil seed of what you have done germinates within you.” “You disgust me!” “We are all animals. Most are too afraid to see it.” “The last unicorn dies tonight.” “We are all of us damned.” “Listen to me. We're not going down the same corridor umpteen times.” “Stay close to me now.” “I vote we run like hell.” “While you're having fun, time goes by fast.” “Any more noise, and you're shish kebab.” “Judge me not so harshly.” “I invite you to share this supper. Look how sweet it is.” “I do nothing for your pleasure!” “All I wish is for you to sit and talk with me.” “It is enough that we are alone together.” “You've stolen my dreams away.” “The dreams of youth are the regrets of maturity.” “Dreams are my specialty.” “My dream is of eternity with you.” “Once I was content with solitude until that moment I felt your vivid presence.” “I value your thoughts. Share them with me.” “I hear a throat begging to be cut.” “Are you so anxious to see blood flow?” “I will stay here with you as you wish.” “I want to kill the unicorn.” “Let the age of darkness begin!” “I'll always trust you.” “It's always a pleasure to take a brave man's life.” “Protect me!” “What are you without me?” “Have faith in yourself. It is the greatest lesson you have learned.” “Only you can answer this riddle.” “I had such a terrible nightmare.” “Can I come tomorrow?”

#rp meme #rp memes #rp starters #roleplay starters #roleplay meme #roleplay memes #legend

[naomisholmes]

INTERVIEW.

What is your greatest achievement? Biggest regret?

Achievements never felt quite in reach, for Naomi. She’d been raised to stand up to impossible expectations, to support a host of dreams that were never her own. Each of the three Holmes girls had been pushed to their best, but consistently managed to fall short even then. Even now, so many years removed from her family & their pressures, Naomi found herself discrediting any achievement she made.

“Out of thousands of applicants, I was among the selected nurses to staff the newest American hospital, just built out in New York,” Naomi smiled, forcing the facade of pride onto her features. In reality, she hadn’t even applied to ‘win’ or ‘be the best’, as her mother always would phrase things. Naomi didn’t even apply because she badly wanted to work there - selfishly, she saw this as the best way to put the most distance between her & the past. 

She bought the dream of America and it’s promises- of rebirth, of fortune, of favor, of romance. Alright, maybe that was France, but it was the land of opportunity, all the same… 

Naomi had applied, and she’d been accepted, and she was leaving. “I don’t have a husband,” Naomi stated, trying to explain - both why she was so eager to travel so far from home, and what her biggest regret was, in a sense. “I never felt like I had the time for something like that, and no desire to cut anything out in favor of pursuit of that. I always thought… There was plenty of time. I spent so long feeling so stressed over my family, I think-”

Perhaps she had been scared of starting her own. To have children, and love, and make the same mistakes as her parents, and watch it fall apart at the seams. Or maybe Naomi hadn’t proven enough yet - to herself, most of all. 

“I just regret how few people I had truly had, now that… now that all of this has happened. Estranged from- everyone, really. I’ve already said my goodbyes, and it’s just…. There is no one now.”

What do you remember last before landing here?

“I remember the waterfall,” Naomi blinked, confused by the sudden sense of stillness, of calm, that flooded over her body. Her flight was set to leave the next morning, just before noon, and she’d taken the day before to get her last love letter sent to the beautiful Australian scenery. The cliffs were slick, and uneven, full of jagged edges, but she’d felt inspired - encouraged to climb higher, see further, and touch the cool crash of the falls with her own fingers. 

“I remember… slipping, hitting my knee, and then… I remember falling,” Naomi sighed, her voice still steady, and turned to gaze out against this new world she’d found himself trapped in. 

“I remember the water. I think it was so cold-”

Now, she stopped, but her expression was something still unreadable. Like Naomi, herself, was trying to decide what was truly happening, and what she���d done wrong, and where. “I remember saying goodbye to my friends,” She continued, thinking back to the scones and sweet drinks shared with her closest co-workers, a breakfast of farewells and memories. Naomi was off to New York - accepting a job offer in a new, state-of-the-art hospital, and turning 40 in a couple of years had suddenly felt like it held so much promise. 

But suddenly, Naomi didn’t want to talk about that anymore. She didn’t want to think of the last moments before landing here - before the water closed in over her head, and the panic subsided. Even now, there was a void where panic had once been - like something was lost in the journey here. “I don’t think what I remember matters very much, does it?” 

And she would be correct, after all - Naomi didn’t know it, of course, but she could guess what a span of 62 unimaginable, unchanging years could do to a soul. What she once remembered as vivid detailed visions of her last day in normalcy would fade; would fracture and splinter, vague flashes and long, lost faint memories. 

Have you ever killed? If so: why? If not: could you?

Naomi stilled. “Never,” She answered, quickly, eager to get the sudden, perplexing feeling settle over her shoulders away from her. She worked as a nurse, and took an oath to save lives, never to take them. It was a private promise, made to herself, after watching the world cast so many victims to the wayside of fate, broken & bruised. 

Already, Naomi had whispered the Nightingale Oath to herself, readying for the journey across the seas, onwards to America. It was the final step in her plan - a grandiose escape, a reborn life, a revised version of existence, and a true form of freedom. Naomi had done well; she’d done much, but not nearly any of the things she wanted to do. 

America was going to change that, and she was going to change America, too, with the work of healing. 

But… mistakes had been made, all the same. Her eyes lowered, and now she found a new, horrible thought appearing in her mind. Was this place the penance of her mistakes, for her hubris? “I think it’s hard to answer that question honestly. It would, I believe, depend entirely on the situation and the resulting consequences. You know the trolley problem, right?” Naomi paused, waiting. Despite her parents' short-fallings, they had done well to ensure their daughters were brought up with a proper, classical education. Studies had been rigorous, and covered a variety of subjects, and Naomi had gone above and beyond in the subjects of Science and Math, digging into the evolution of mankind and the psychological advancements that continued to startle humanity. “If killing one could result in the rescue of many… I don’t know what I’d do.” 

“I don’t know,” Naomi repeated, a sigh.

#muse ;; self para #muse ;; about