#just in case anyone didn't understand!

[butchfalin]

the funniest meltdown ive ever had was in college when i got so overstimulated that i could Not speak, including over text. one of my friends was trying to talk me through it but i was solely using emojis because they were easier than trying to come up with words so he started using primarily emojis as well just to make things feel balanced. this was not the Most effective strategy... until. he tried to ask me "you okay?" but the way he chose to do that was by sending "👉🏼👌🏼❓" and i was so shocked by suddenly being asked if i was dtf that i was like WHAT???? WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY TO ME?????????? and thus was verbal again

#yeehaw #1k #5k #10k #posts that got cursed. blasted. im making these tag updates after... 19 hours? #also i have been told it should say speech loss bc nonverbal specifically refers to the permanent state. did not know that! #unfortunately i fear it is so far past containment that even if i edited it now it would do very little. but noted for future reference #edit 2: nvm enough ppl have come to rb it from me directly that i changed the wording a bit. hopefully this makes sense #also. in case anyone is curious. though i doubt anyone who is commenting these things will check the original tags #1) my friend did not do this on purpose in any way. it was not intended to distract me or to hit on me. im a lesbian hes a gay man. cmon now #he felt very bad about it afterwards. i thought it was hilarious but it was very embarrassed and apologetic #2) “why didn't he use 🫵🏼?” didn't exist yet. “why didn't he use 🆗?” dunno! we'd been using a lot of hand emojis. 👌🏼 is an ok sign #like it makes sense. it was just a silly mixup. also No i did not invent 👉🏼👌🏼 as a gesture meaning sex. do you live under a rock #3) nonspeaking episodes are a recurring thing in my life and have been since i was born. this is not a quirky one-time thing #it is a pervasive issue that is very frustrating to both myself and the people i am trying to communicate with. in which trying to speak is #extremely distressing and causes very genuine anguish. this post is not me making light of it it's just a funny thing that happened once #it's no different than if i post about a funny thing that happened in conjunction w a physical disability. it's just me talking abt my life #i don't mind character tags tho. those can be entertaining. i don't know what any of you are talking about #Except the ppl who have said this is pego/ryu or wang/xian. those people i understand and respect #if you use it as a writing prompt that's fine but send it to me. i want to see it #aaaand i think that's it. everyday im tempted to turn off rbs on it. it hasn't even been a week

[chronicowboy]

imagine pepa sets eddie up on a date but its truly the worst date of eddie's life like genuinely worse than the date where he proposed and his wife asked for a divorce and eddie can't get out of there quick enough, can barely speak because he's too busy crafting a very long and very angry text message to his aunt, and when he does finally make it home he collapses against the door with a sigh and buck pops out of the kitchen like "hey, eddie, pepa said you might need some company tonight?"

#sami rambles #buck makes lasagna and eddie didn't really end up eating at the restaurant but pepa gifted him a bottle of wine earlier in the week #saying 'just in case you bring anyone home huh ;)' and suddenly he understands #911 spoilers #911 show #911 fox #evan buckley #eddie diaz #buddie #buck x eddie #911 spec

[camellcat]

I FEEL DIZZY I AM NAUSEOUS AHH!!!!!! ten's reaction to hearing "bad wolf" makes me SICK!!! literally a nothing reaction literally so unimportant literally maybe 10 seconds long. but also. I am so fucked up that hour long special took me like two with how many times I just paused it to get up and pace around my house LOL

#just in case the hour long special was the day of the doctor. FOLKS I FINALLY GOT THERE!!! #I'm grinning so hard #ROSE TYLER BUT NOT BUT BUT BUT #AHHHHHHHHHHHH #it's only 11am and I have screamed. so much #do you understand how many times I rewinded... rewound? just to hear her talk #BILLIE PIPER I LOVE YOU!!!! #I am a MESS in the best way possible #my heart is racing I was so excited #HE DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SEE HER GRAHH #what a meaningless post my brain is truly rotted #does anyone have fics I don't even know what I'm looking for just give me fics of this episode HAHAHA #I just I just oughhh I miss them soooo muchhhh #timepetals #tenrose #doctor who

[highfantasy-soul]

Dipping my toe into the ofmd s2 finale discourse, so spoilers

Also, if the finale really hurt you and you feel like the writers made an unforgivable decision, then...maybe don't read this and comment all upset? This is just how I viewed the finale, so not saying you've got to be ok with it, but like, also let me feel what I feel too... anyways, disclaimers over.

I think it's such a cool parallel how each of the captain's first-mates went out in very thematically consistent ways to the way they and their captains started out.

Stede was a mythical being - a muppet - a wooden doll who wished to be a real boy. He was firmly in the silly fantasy category of being - nothing he did had any logic (hello sea library that didn't even have little bars to hold his books in place, hello orange cake that used 40 oranges for just the glaze alone) he was sparkly vibes and failing upward through sheer luck (or magic). At the start of Stede's journey, Buttons is there to remind him what piracy is like - mutiny if you aren't a good captain, chewing people's throats out if need be. But Buttons was also there to stare into the sky and feel what was to happen rather than always using data to support his findings.

But Stede wanted to be a hardened pirate.

Ed was Blackbeard - a bloodthirsty, merciless, pirate. A man who was only allowing a single part of himself to be shown/explored. His crew was fiercely loyal, they respected him, and he was taken seriously - because he got shit done through logical actions - logic that Izzy largely influenced. There were always real consequences for Ed and his crew and that's exactly how Izzy liked it. Ed was fascinated by the way Stede and his crew operated in the world and Izzy was horrified by it - you didn't get to be a successful pirate by being a muppet! You got it through blood and struggle - forging your family along the way. You didn't buy your family with a salary and pep talks and you DO NOT WIN DUELS by being so bad at swordplay you let your opponent stab you so their blade gets stuck in the mast and you can win by a technicality!

But Ed wanted to release some of his control and let the whimsy in.

So the characters change throughout the seasons - Stede becomes a 'real boy' and starts to grapple with figuring this stuff out with grit rather than wishful thinking, Ed realizes that the pirate's life isn't making him happy and needs to make a bigger change. Buttons is ready to chew people's throats out with his metal teeth in episode 1, and through the series, he retreats more into the mystical as Stede no longer needs even a hint of his traditionally pirate ways. Izzy realizes Ed doesn't need his harsh advice, it's actually harming him, and Izzy is allowed to release his firm grip on gritty nihilism and explore different parts of himself.

As Stede and Ed grow into their own people, they grow away from what their first-mates need, so their first mates get to truly become themselves. Their trajectories, however, follow the way they lived and what they valued.

Buttons transforms into a bird, being reborn into a new body where he can fully embrace the mysticism without even a hint of gritty reality.

Izzy, he goes out the way he lived - bloody, in battle, the way a pirate 'should'. He went through a transformation as well - one that stayed in line with his character.

To me, it was clear that different characters played by different rules of reality than others - Buttons was a mystical sea witch, Izzy was a gritty 'realistic' pirate.

Buttons became more distant with the crew as he retreated into his mystical being. Izzy grew closer with the crew as he embraced the joys of found family rather than the ever-dangerous life at sea. He embraced the here and now, he embraced - and faced - reality.

Buttons transfigured into a bird because that's how he lived (and how Stede started out) - as a mystical being of the sea, so that is the form his metamorphosis took.

Izzy died in battle because that's how he lived (and how Blackbeard started out) - as a loyal pirate who would fight to the very end, so that's the form his metamorphosis took.

I viewed Button's story as a smaller-scaled foreshadowing of the final episode.

As Izzy's death took place at the end of the season, there was no narrative time to hash out everyone's emotions over it - just like at the end of season 1, they didn't have time to hash out everyone's emotions at Stede leaving them (though with the extended episode count, they did manage to get a bit more in there). Clearly, Season 3 is going to be massively shaped by Izzy's death - just as season 2 was shaped by Ed and Stede's breakup.

We don't know how the writers are going to go forward with the story, and honestly, I don't enjoy speculating on how plot lines are going to be written. But from the writer's comments, it seems to me like there's a good possibility Izzy will still be in the show - and now he's literally buried his past self and is ready for the next iteration of Izzy Hands.

#i understand how some people didn't like a major character death in their funny pirate show but i don't think it was bad writing #I don't think the writers tricked anyone into a false sense of security and I don't think they did it out of malice #i certainly don't think it was a case of killing your gays #of course Izzy had more life to live - everyone who dies of anything other than old age does #i would have loved to see him get to really embrace his joyful life for longer but just because a death hurts doesn't mean its bad writing #every writing decision is a DECISION - everything is 'unnecessary' - that's not a valid excuse for not killing off a character #izzy had a full and in-depth story and if was beautiful #he wasn't killed off for a cheap emotional trip #anyways I'll stop rambling #ofmd #ofmd season 2 #ofmd spoilers #ofmd s2 spoilers #our flag means death #our flag means death spoilers #izzy hands #izzy #stede bonnet #ed teach #buttons #blackbeard

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

feeling weird mixed feelings atm and I can't really logic them away, ig? on the one hand I'm completely apathetic about it. on the other hand there's a part of me that's absolutely horrified that I could do something like that. the fact that it's still a consistent low-level pain the whole time also doesn't help. anyway those kinds of thoughts are then making me want to harm again to cope with them but also a) it's manageable and b) I currently have a deep horror of self-inflicted pain after the last few days apparently.

#more specific blatherings in the tags so im gonna get them below the read more in case anyone doesn't want to read it #tw sh #because yes this is about the last few days and im gonna add a few more words to get the rest below the read more #the fact that while they aren't as deep as i've ever gone before they are unquestionably in volume far exceeding any #before. not that i count at the time or anything but there are at least sixty new cuts from the last week so no wonder it's painful #but yeah it's just. an interesting emotional feeling once the pressure that triggered them is gone #i don't know i don't understand myself really #glad i have a psych appointment monday really #if i didn't have one booked i'd probably be booking one about now #also bothered by how visible the ones on my wrist are going to be. #hopefully the redness will go away soon bc i don't think they're quite healed yet #teatree oil is helping tho so hopefully they won't be TOO obvious #the location means that yeah they will be visible but hopefully not too too much #and after all i have only for-sure hit the fat layer twice. maybe a few other times. there are a couple taking ages to heal atm #so they might've idk. and i haven't gone any deeper than that #honestly with the wrist ones the fact is that it was blunt and i couldn't #sharpen it at hte time. perhaps tmi but yeah this may have saved my life and or my hand function #but i might be overstating it. anyway apparently that was three weeks and one day ago?? wow #guys that entire day i was convinced i wasn't going to live to see the morning. the WHOLE DAY #i literally have a commie newspaper on my desk currently because they tried selling it at uni and i was so existential i was just like. #'what is life. what is money. who cares' and bought it. see this is the funny story i referred to. i can elaborate #personal #puddleglum hours #tw suicide

[angelsdean]

i think dean is someone who really panics when he the people he cares about aren’t in his line of sight / presence. like watching people leave (not even in the dramatic sense, like. just leaving the house / where he can see them) freaks him out. he’s gotten used to masking it really well at this point so like. no one knows but it manifests in little controlling actions and anger which obvs is annoying to other people like dean NEEDS to know where sam is going when, when he expects to be back, he NEEDS cas to check in when he’s gone for longer than a few hours and it’s yes, deeply rooted in his abandonment issues but also. extremely rooted in his fear as a child that whenever john walked out the door might be the last....like he literally was a little kid waiting anxiously and scared shitless for his dad to come back from hunts, knowing that it was very very possible he might never come back. like kid dean has bobby and pastor jim’s numbers memorized and knows that if john’s not back / doesn’t check in after three weeks (long, long after the grocery money has run out) he’s supposed to call them. anyways. yeah...so dean seeing someone walk out the door. instantly flooded with anxiety and freeze response 

#which is partly why. 'i didn't stop you i just let you go' bc like. he was frozen he was angry he was panicking !! #thinking like. oh god he's leaving oh god what if i never see him again he's leaving for good he's not gonna call he's not gonna check in !! #but yeah so like. in general tho he's really really a control freak abt knowing where ppl are #when people don't check in he gets. SO mad and most of them don't get it bc of course dean WILL NOT explain it #he doesn't even really fully understand it himself bc obvs he's never sat down and analyzed the inner workings of his mind lol #but yeah like sam especially gets so annoyed and thinks its like. a controlling older brother thing #cas doesn't get it for a long long time bc he doesn't think anyone would ever worry abt him :( #but once they get together he always always checks in! #the one time he forgets bc he got caught up chit chatting with one of the vendors at the farmers market....is catastrophic #like dean's worried out of his mind blowing up cas's phone (which died bc he was taking so many videos of jack at the petting zoo) #dean would've come to the market but he wanted to work on restoring the barn #anyways so like. yeah he's freaking out jumping to the worst case scenarios thinks something terrible's happened to cas and jack #when they finally walk thru the door at like 6pm dean starts sobbing and wraps his arms around his family like. why why didnt u call? #he's both sad relieved and a lil pissed like. obvs logically he understand once cas explains but he's still like. #channeling some of that fear into anger bc it's a hardwired habit he's still struggling to break #so there's a bit of grumping and cold shoulders while he's making dinner but then once they all sit down together he's like. i love you #got carried away w these tags whooops #dean studies #vic.txt

[holocene-sims]

next // previous

july 3, 2021 2:00 a.m. grant's house

#ts4 #the sims 4 #sims 4 #sims 4 story #ts4 screenshots #simblr #hlcn: everything the stars promised #sorry about the slow restart bc this is where the last scene was supposed to END but i didn't have time to make this part before #in case you are confused this is following up on him remembering the awful dinner scene with his parents and sister #the most grant thing ever is wearing a silly goofy ass tshirt while having an absolutely terrible PTSD flare up #once again shout out to @stargazer-sims for making the best cc i have literally ever downloaded #i want to download them into my irl wardrobe y'all don't even understand how bad i want these #btw grant continues to have his grandma aoife “uhhhh i'm stressed i'm just gonna bake and eat the products of my labor” moments #can anyone say addictive behavior transfer? whee *sad cheers* #holocene.png #holocene.docx #hlcn: grant

[bloodsbane]

i keep saying this but i wanna make a post in case there's anyone following me who has had the same issue

if you want to try or have CSP but find it a little busy/overwhelming and hard to get used to, especially when you have a different program you're already a little married to (mine is sai, i've been using it for 10+ years now), i cannot recommend enough just FIND ONE (1) BRUSH THAT FEELS GOOD TO USE IN CLIP AND DON'T CARE ABOUT ANYTHING ELSE

find something that is fun to sketch with. don't worry about something for line work - i'm still looking for a good inking pen myself. because this has by far helped me the most in making me actually open up and use CSP. once you find a brush you like to sketch with, you'll start wanting to sketch with specifically that brush, which makes you open CSP. and from there, you can slowly acclimate to other things CSP has to offer

im not saying everyone NEEDS to use clip, of course; it's not for everyone! but! it has some nice features that i think are worth at least trying your best to see if you can warm up to it.

don't worry about learning everything at once. and if you cant find something you'll basically always find the answer to a question if you google it. which sounds like obvious advice but i really mean this! just look things up! i know sometimes it feels embarrassing or like youre asking a "dumb question", but i promise you aren't dumb for not being able to find/figure out where something is. if you're like me and have never touched anything even close to CSP or PS or anything more complex, CSP is like, suuuuper dense and overwhelming. but there are resources out there to help you, so take advantage and try your best not to get stuck. it's a lot easier when you figure things out one step at a time too

but anyways yeah. just find a brush that makes your brain go brrrrrr and it'll be a lot easier - at least, it was for me!

#banebabbles #like yeah seriously just in case anyone is in the same shoes i was #bc i bought csp and i was like cool! and then i simply could not use it for like #TWO YEARS bc it didn't Feel Good and i was soooo used to sai #i didn't like having to re-map things or figure out where everything was god #do you know how long it took me to understand just. how to move specific things #blah blah blah haha #but as soon as i went searching for brushes i thought i might like and downloaded a viable pack #and found one that was fun to sketch with. oh boy #now i prefer sketching in CSP sometimes #it's possible i prommy... even a silly lil baby guy like me can figure it out. you def can #i belief in u...

[worstloki]

I'll give u a hundred if u let me in on the secret abt fans thinking thor and loki didn't act like siblings before ragnarok

well you see, siblings have got to be willing to harm each other a little, otherwise it doesn't count.

#idk man idk how anyone can claim that #ragnarok made them generic siblings #brodinsons are about loki wanting thor to get more time before he becomes king and prove he's arrogant without actually going to jotunheim #they're about thor not thinking that his behaviour hurts loki and accepting loki is king and not wanting to fight him even at the end #you can say thor and loki fight but you can also clearly say that they don't WANT to harm each other even if that's exactly what they want #they'll do it but they won't do it willingly yk #not even like. a little. #loki orchestrates the whole coronation going to jotunheim thing but doesn't intend thor to actually get a punishment or start a fight. like #thor's apathetic @ loki and shows no sympathy in TDW but he doesn't want his brother hurt and he doesn't want him dead #and vice versa???? like even when they hurt each other there's no ill intent or genuine malice there #Loki's bitter and all but he doesn't point out Thor's faults TO Thor ??? except when he's hurt and unstable himself??? ??? #he criticizes Odin and Thor's behaviour a few times in TDW but not to THOR's face yk? #Loki gets the throne in TDW and lets Thor go on his way when he doesn't accept the throne like #there is no ''i want him dead'' or ''i want him in pain'' or ''wouldn't it be funny if i humiliated him'' #besides when they're hurt and feel there's no other choice and even then it's more a case of ''i want to understand what's going on w/ u'' #usually siblings are ready to hurt each other A BIT at least #like you can safely say Thor didn't expect Loki to get hurt on Jotunheim and Loki didn't expect he could actually kill Thor #it's not a case of Shuri getting T'Challa to punch the new suit just to mess with him or Nebula and Gamora's status quo of death fighting #it's flat out 'no i don't want to hurt this person and if i do it's because i have to' #my assumption from jokes and stuff is that people think that's unrealistic #instead of the sibling rivalry thing being used as a gag where Loki stabs Thor for fun and Thor is ready to electrocute his brother

[unproduciblesmackdown]

another specific scenario nice & simple like winston "isn't allowed to have a 'correct' cishet(tm) gender n sexuality anyways" "keeps immediately latching on to the nonbinariest people around him" billions goes yolo mode after going [just endlessly weather it at the sunk cost factory] firmly established itself as a shitshow and decides like i'm gonna hook up with a guy fr (has not already happened, in this specific scenario) and then does so, congrats to him. however, with all the precedent in the world, it's like here's your big anxiety about any autodidactic sex ed beforehand. here's your big anxiety about just general surveillance & malicious handling of it afterwards. no way anyone could have completely founded hangups about everything even further just indefinitely now. bonus points though he still goes to math meetup has real math friends over there who have Really provided the [yeah it's not actually a popularity contest here] arena & he's known them for years & let's say has at least One amicable person who talks with him out of it, maybe even two. congrats to him canonly for getting out of there, sure hurt him as much as they possibly could on his way out though, was legitimately the goal

#and no way could winston already have founded hangups abt anything to just be added to here. we would just Know if he did #(unserious remark there....) #speaking of ''it's basically like bitter exes clashing except they didn't even get to have the actual relationship(tm)'' #winston gets to anytime; all the time; be on edge abt ''what if someone was intently stalking me re: what i'm doing or what info i'm #potentially leaving'' like that is what happened & not like anyone would clarify here's what we did; here's what we're now Not doing #or like that would feel (or in this case: be) trustworthy anyways #billions is all but certainly going ''oh he's fine lol. he has always just been fine lol.'' #with the logic that he's fine b/c if we don't think it matters how he's affected (& we don't!) then the Reality is: it doesn't matter #dehumanize your local autist: a billions story #winston billions #and all the discussion like ''wags' Kys Data on winston is like [buy pants] [mundane handy lookups]'' like uh okay #but it's like As Though winston just could Never have looked up things So Wrong for correct cishets like ''am i gay? quiz?'' lmao #or as though wags wouldn't throw that kind of thing at someone. do we assume everyone else there would suddenly Disapprove if he did #winston evidently cast as AnyNerd in the whole saga while wags is lovingly cradled in billions' arms shh you're so epic #with any viewers who also don't get / decline the memo we're supposed to understand winston is less of a person going like Uh. What #doesn't add up with anything but aren't we all just having a delightful time w/wags as always

[trifoliate-undergrowth]

@convenientalias​ @believerindaydreams​ oh my God the speed of you both was incredible

horrified I watched myself tick every single “intense-complex-fruity” box. I had to. What other option is there.

Ask me about my blorbos!

#screenshot #tuco #blorbo bleebus ask chart #ask me! #I pondered the stupid vs smart answer for a while #and. I really think it depends on the moment #but also he gives off more of a stupid vibe than he actually has. he is in fact VERY smart and good at surviving #and acting stupid sometimes helps with that and I think he can tell #the divorced question was so funny it's like a running joke that he's... wait is he technically divorced or did he just marry and then leave #several women #without even the formality of a divorce #lol #slightly conflicted about some of this. I did it kinda quickly. but. yes #Tuco feelings! #I realized he IS a rare character that I get defensive about #haven't really seen anyone hating him I think it's more a case of I didn't like him when I was younger and now I love him and I think #he was WRONGED and his behavior was if extreme at least very understandable #I would probably also want to kill Blondie after that #etc #good character.

[defiant-firefly]

Okay I have recently learned about asexual rings and I thought ‘hey I’ll make a post about it on my main why not’

So apparently ace rings are black (or mostly black) rings that you wear specifically on the middle finger of your right hand. It’s like a subtle way of telling people you’re ace and I think that’s really cool!

There’s another ring that’s literally the opposite, a white (or mostly white) ring worn on the middle finger of your left hand that signifies being aromantic. I’d literally never heard of this one ever but had come across the ace one a few times in passing so it’s getting mentioned here too

I’m not entirely sure what the history of these things are (if anyone knows I’d be really interested to find out) but ya know. Since I’m ace and I love cool adjustable rings guess what I’m gonna start a collection of now and guess who’s dashboards I’m gonna clog up with it when I get started on it :)

I also learned a bunch of other stuff on the wiki looking this up! Apparently lemon bars are a big thing in the bisexual community and the Blahaj shark has an entire paragraph dedicated to it and how it’s a symbol of the trans community! And the high five was possibly invented by openly gay athletes which is cool and that the green carnation is associated with gay men because of Oscar Wilde (who was apparently gay?? I feel like my literature teacher should have mentioned that) wearing one. And violets? Represent lesbian and bisexual women because of Sapphos who I unfortunately know much less about. I didn’t see anything on asexuals and the dragons, space or cake associations but again, I’ve only seen these vaguely mentioned in Tumblr posts about how these things have declined because of exclusionists or something, I don’t really know much about it. There’s also apparently talk of comets being symbols for nonbinary folk, though it doesn’t look all too prevalent if the wiki is much to go on. It’s unfortunate I couldn’t see anything like the ace ring or the bi lemon bars thing for nonbinary folk like me but hey! I’m sure we will at some point! It’s not like this stuff can’t be added to, I mean look at Blahaj. I’d say that’s pretty recent

Anyway, if you haven’t already, go look at the wiki for LGBTQ+ symbols and shit there’s some fun stuff in there!

#asexual #lgbtq+ #not sure I want to tag all of these but I'll tag those #aromantic #and that one for the ring thing #ya know just in case anyone wants to throw any history or symbols my way 👀 #nonbinary #AND THAT ONE TOO OF COURSE #SAME APPLIES #I'm interested in all of it but those are the ones I'm currently looking into so they get tagges #ANYWAY #yes I'm going to go crazy looking for black rings now #I've already seen a few #and my mum loves making resin stuff so I'm gonna ask her for a little resin ring with purple gliter in it #:D #she won't understand what the fuck I'm talking about but she never does anyway she'll just be like 'ohhh okay' and then forget #she's great like that lmao #maybe I can take a bunch to the next pride event I didn't see a single thing for these rings when I was at it #just running around offering people free ace and aro rings... #community! #I'll have to get mum to show me how to do the resin stuff for that though hm #or maybe if we nonbinaries wanna start a thing about wearing those cool thread bracelets or something 👀 #just sayin' they look nice #and it sucks we don't seem to have anything 👀 #could be fun #anyway I have rings to search for #bubye

[chalk-homunculus]

I think... in many ways, I really just want to feel loved, but I'm scared of accepting it, and scared of feelings I feel like I "can't control" so I end up taking an overly analytical approach and overjustifying things like natural curiosity to myself by calling things "just scientific fascination" and "morbid curiosity" (because in my mind, things I feel I am not "allowed to" experience, be curious about, or consider, seem like they're taboo, hence 'morbid'). I can't really fault others for thinking that's messed up. I've definitely ruined chances at receiving any sort of care and/or love in the past by not only pushing people away in delusional self-sabotage states, but also by treating people like equations or research projects. I sort of hate admitting to myself that I DON'T know or understand everything, and that doing so is impossible no matter how much I like knowing things, especially since my inability to just trust and take what people tell me at face value is in juxtaposition with that desire for knowledge and thorough understanding. It is actually me and my own doubt of people that drives me into over-questioning everything I DO know.

I also am terrible at paying attention to others. I know this. I forget that other people are, well, people, and that they won't know how much I care about them unless I express it and KEEP expressing it. Not just verbally but with things like asking people how they are doing- assuming they'll just tell me if they want me to know is something I do, but I know very well how easy it is to feel like a burden and close your troubles away from others in fear of being "too much" to deal with. I've reflected on this, and my unhealthy manner of expressing fondness and trust for others being that I'm far too quick to traumadump and talk about myself, in the past, but I've not been making nearly enough progress on it.

I think, I seek and crave for too much clarity without offering any myself, that has driven people away from me in the past, and it's purely my own flaws causing it.

Maybe with another year or two of reflecting, I will be able to handle something like a qppr without it falling apart because of my aloofness and inability to pay enough attention to others. Perhaps in half a decade, I could consider a romantic relationship, if I've made any progress with all that + trauma work, by then.

#I previously swore off all kinds of romantic/qplatonic relationships because I felt that I just #''wasn't made for them'' #but I think in truth NOBODY is made for them- people just have to grow and improve to be able to maintain them #healthy ones at least #and there's no point in desiring for dysfunctional ones no matter how desperate one is #I know this well thanks to DF. #so what I am saying is... my previous attitude was selfish and petty #to just decide that I am ''hopeless'' and ''unfit'' for something was a sort of refusal to accept fault in myself #nobody is 'hopeless' with things like healthy romantic/qpp relationships unless they choose to be #and making that choice... to rather be hopeless but eternally envying others is very childish #childish and something that only someone in deep denial about their own flaws would do #I can offer myself some understanding since I believe that I needed to reach this point #where I would realize this myself and accept it #and I'm glad I didn't cause anyone any hurt (as far as I'm aware) during this time it took me to realize that #because I could see people making a declaration like that but then allowing mixed signals and vague situationships to take place #solely because of the very human loneliness of wanting closeness but also childishly refusing to actually work on oneself #much like my refusal was. but in my case #I did fully cut everything like that out- I haven't allowed people to get any closer than ordinary friendship #and I've not been crushing on people myself (in general that's just because I'm demi most likely) #(but I have not been crushing and trying to justify to myself sending mixed or vague signals to anyone) #(that's what I mainly mean in that I haven't been crushing. that I haven't allowed myself to act selfishly because of emotion) #so in that sense I do feel a little proud that me saying that I'm not going to even think about things like romance or qpps #wasn't just me 'saying it' while still technically wanting it and craving for it #I truly did take that literally and took a lot of time to just... process things and explore my issues #and I think that's what allowed me to come to this realization naturally myself- that I am NOT hopeless #and that I was just throwing a childish tantrum because processing emotions that felt out of control felt 'too difficult' to even try #it's like a child refusing to even try to learn tying their shoelaces just because they don't quite 'get' how to make a knot yet #mm... I'm glad I've made that progress. it's not that it magically fixes everything that was wrong to begin with about me #and my attitude towards emotions and feelings like attraction and affection and even love #but it does to me at least show that I've overcome one obstacle of many and AM making progress even if it's not immediately visible

[the-light-of-stars]

So what's the deal with Wagner?

well, so firstly: I also hate Wagner for other reasons, this one is just the personal reason, there's a lot more objective ones to dislike Wagner and his music that I can't get into here bc this post is already really long, which is why I didn't feel like putting this all in the tags of that post because this is still quite a lot vdbbd but basically:

I had a classmate in high school who was really into opera. and I mean really into opera. the 'this guy would randomly start singing opera during breaks' kind of into opera.

so the operas he was singing randomly were multiple different ones but mostly Wagner, because Wagner was his favorite composer (red flag) and out of those mainly Lohengrin. and the thing is that this guy , who btw was quite the personality since he was constantly trying to be the funny guy, had absolutely 0 regard for people's personal space or boundaries and was also the kind of preppy kashmere-sweater-over-collared-shirt wearing 'kid from a well-off household' type that's...well..if you have seen Knives Out: pretty much whatever the teenage boy in that had going on except that my classmate wasn't the twitter-user type of alt-right but conservative classic™️, this guy, this classmate, had a really weird rivalry going on with another boy from our year that was in a different class than me.

now that other guy...that other guy was like if you took the first guy and changed all the settings to max. he was from a richer family, was wearing more expensive clothes, was way more vain and arrogant (he would constantly check, comb and gel his hair even during class), had way better grades, was taller, better at sports, more conventionally attractive, more popular and had multiple girlfriends that he would cheat on and make out with in the hallways (much to the chagrin of other classmate, who tried real hard to get into peoples' pants but kept getting rejected for being a grody little creep). and he was a straight up fascist. and I don't mean the alt-right 4chan user kind, I mean that this guy was like if a fascist boy scout from 1930s germany had been sent to our times via time machine. and he was just saying whatever opinions he had as if it was the most logical and most natural thing in the world, it was genuinelly unsettling. he got commended by our principals at our graduation ceremony. hell world.

anyways so first guy , basically being treated as a cheap and worse version of second guy to the point that first guy's own father congratulated the other guy at graduation and not his own son, had this rivalry with second guy which basically was a mix of him hating the second guy because of the 'just a cheap version' thing, while also trying real hard to emulate and impress him, it was quite the thing. and one way he would try to one-up the other guy was - exactly- via his opera singing. he was quite a good tenor, actually, the issue was just that, you guessed it, the other guy was a better opera singer too.

and, well, because they were both into Wagner (second guy once called Wagner's music 'masters' music', that is in the sense of 'music for masters' , and since he was a gross little fasc i think it's pretty clear what he meant with that) , second guy would come over to our classroom during breaks and they would start doing the opera version of rap-battles, singing parts of Lohengrin and other Wagner music at each other in some kind of weird battle for dominance and the other's acknowledgement. they would do this - very loudly btw - at least once a week.

and this is why I have a very personal hatred for Wagner.

#i also just generally hate wagner because he was an awful horrible person and his music is strongly associated w fascism/national socialism #because he was just that kind of composer #but additionally i also have this more personal and petty reason for hating him. #which technically is related to the first reason since yknow. those two guys were a conservative and a fasc so #the rivalry between those two guys was really weird. one time i witnessed them grabbing eachother by the balls #idk wtf they had going on and i didnt want any part in it #also i still dont understand why so many girls were into the second guy because sure he was rich and more or less conventionally attractive #but like?? his personality and political views were literally the worst possible? so why tf would anyone want to even talk to that guy??? #in case it isnt clear I absolutely hated second guy. I didn't like first guy either but second guy was in a whole other sphere of awfulness #long post #anon ask

[hoediaz]

also btw? idc what your personal reasoning is for hating lucy but i have seen TOO many people call lucy a dirty whore home wrecker with my own two eyes for anyone to argue against the fact that SOME lucy haters are misogynists 

#like ok if ur not a misogynist then this isn't about you #but misogynistic lucy haters DO exist you cannot be dense enough to think that isn't the case #i STILL have 104930 unanswered asks in my inbox being vile about lucy after 5x11 #and before ANYONE says 'it's actually the writers that are misogynists for introducing her like that not us' #then why didn't any of the 'lucy's a whore' messages talk about the writers? #and why aren't y'all happy now that she has a role outside of buck? #like hating lucy isn't the problem (well) it's the way some -- SOMEEEEE -- people talk themselves in circles #and make it clear that she can't win #either she sucks bc she's just a love interest or she sucks bc she has a storyline of her own #she sucks bc she's intruding on the 118 family or she sucks because she feels like she doesn't fit in #like some of y'all will hate her no matter what and it's transparent #so yeah SOME lucy haters are misogynists #if that's not you then cool like have a nice day? but you can't really sit here and tell me that NO ONE that hates lucy #is just a misogynist #anyway #when this season is over and y'all understand the Vision i will know peace #fandom discourse #txt

[braceletofteeth]

Fandom ask game: Psychopath Diary - ☂✦✆

☂ angsty headcanon

The chairman was a horrible father to Inwoo, but he didn't do that out of disdain for his child.

He thought Inwoo the most deserving of everything that was his, but he never allowed himself to go easy on his oldest. He believed Inwoo shouldn't, couldn't, be handled with the same lenity that Jihoon grew up with. If Inwoo had been raised the same as Jihoon, he would have turned out reckless, careless, and eventually would be caught for something, or get himself killed.

So the chairman came up with the idea that, giving Inwoo an ultimate goal and firm discipline, he could keep Inwoo busy and under control—therefore, safe.

(He was wrong.)

✦ alternate universe idea

Inwoo has been in coma for two years and Jihoon has already successfully ruined Daehan Security's finances. He's now facing bankruptcy and, on the side, discussing with Inwoo's doctors the possibility of turning off the machines that are keeping his brother alive (everything is so expensive, his body is just occupying space anyway, and not to mention that Inwoo would have hated to be kept there like a bug in a jar, just waiting for death, so what's the point?)

Dongsik, who has been regularly visiting Inwoo in secret for the last year, doesn't like Jihoon's idea very much.

✆ character I’d call in an emergency

I'd call Dongsik (he's good at solving problems and he has a lot of people to back him up, if necessary).

The members of the Seo family could probably take care of the issue faster, but I wouldn't want to be in debt to them.

#answered #psychpath diary #ask game #(I'm so so sorry for taking one hundred years to answer. I wish I could say it will never happen again but I live to fail 😔) #I discovered while making this that the idea of a parent hating their child is so abhorrent and triggering to me #that I can't help but look for excuses for bad parenting #that's my toxic trait (???) #(I can't possibly do this for every motherf***** but in the chairman's case I really do think he cared for Inwoo #because otherwise it would be SO easy to get rid of Inwoo at his first or second mistake‚ instead of giving him more chances ???) #// #about the au #till that moment Dongsik had been avoiding thinking too closely on the reason for his visits #he had substituted his therapy sessions for the pair of hours that Inwoo's doctor allowed him #sometimes he used the time to talk and voice questions that were never answered but other days he just sat by the bed in silence #the first times he felt conflicted about being there but later he started looking forward to it #there were certain things in his head that he didn't want to talk about to anyone else #they wouldn't understand #but Inwoo... if he was awake... he would