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#just mentioned briefly
aloraaki3 · 1 month
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Awadil: Honestly, I'm just tried of all these insensitive questions that cis people have. Like, questions are cute, but they feel entitled to answers for some reason. Awadil: "You can't be trans, you're Peryan" "Is that blood on your clothes?" "Why are your eyes glowing?" Adeja: Ugh, I know. "You can't be a girl, you were born a boy" "Where'd you get that knife?" "Why's the sacred pedestal empty?" "Why are there tattoos on your cheeks?"
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oncetherenowhere · 3 months
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I keep seeing posts about people who talk about their brains re-wiring in their late 20s. Please please please please please please please let this happen to me. I want it all to Click. Sometimes I feel more lost now than I did at 18. 18...almost a decade ago, now. Fuck. Fuck! What is happening! I don't wanna go back, not at all, I just want things to make sense.
I feel so paranoid all the time...it's eating me up. Who's talking about me, behind my back? What are they saying? I can't get close to anyone...I'm too scared. I'm so lonely...but is it a pain I'm comfortable enough to live with?
I wish someone would listen and understand. I wish someone would look deeper into me. H does...I never want to disparage that, or take it for granted. I just want a friend...friends are scarier than lovers to me, infinitely so.
I took a melatonin to get some sleep. I had nightmares last night that kept me awake. I'm struggling. If someone asked me "are you okay?" I think I'd break down. I wish I could relay my entire life story to someone, all in one go. I wish I could make someone understand.
For the first 20 years of my life, I had no safe space. Not school, not home, no where. I didn't have a single friend. Do you know what that does to your psyche? There's no escape. You're micromanaged, poked, prodded, screamed at, hit...people made up lies about me. People told the truth about me. I can't take it anymore. I can't take another volatile "friendship." I can't take more abuse. I feel like I'm going insane.
But talking about it in any capacity would be dumping my trauma everywhere. It hurts so much, that so many of my lived experiences are mentally painful for other people to know about. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
Its nice to vent here, though. It works great. Sending messages in bottles...hell, sometimes I open up the posting thing, write a big long thing, then delete it. Its satisfying.
Maybe I'll look back on this, when I'm better, and I'll sympathize with this version of myself, so lost, so confused, so hurt. Maybe I'll tell myself that I've figured it out.
I've got so much to be grateful for, these days...trust me, I may complain a lot here, but not a day goes by where I don't count my blessings. I guess I just thought that once my daily life changed, my brain would change, too. Its a hard realization, for things to be largely going right, but for your brain to latch on to the missing Thing.
Loneliness is a beast, though, isn't it? Damn.
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tamelee · 2 months
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Happy 3/7day 🥰~! 'One day we'll look back on all these memories and smile about it'
Process + detail:
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simplyender · 9 months
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Can you tell I've leveled up my game?
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inkskinned · 11 months
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im having a particularly terrible night with urges and imagery that i dont know how to handle. i gave in to some things. held back on some others. but im barely holding on, dear internet stranger.
you do not owe me your time or your words.. but if you could write some hope into existence for me.. i would be unendingly grateful to you.
please. tell me how you do it. tell me how you survive. because im not so sure i can get through the fifteen days it'll take to get to my seventeenth birthday.
could you please give me something to place my faith in? i dont think the universe is watching out for me anymore.
i don't usually answer these, because i am not a professional, and you deserve professional help. when i was 17 i was terrified of the idea of professional help, because my household was extremely unsafe, and made it clear that if i ever chose to get help, i would be punished for it.
i hope this is not your case. i hope that you can call someone, and they can take you where you should go.
but i will give you the advice that i wish i got, when i couldn't get help at 17, when i was so bad that years later, i literally don't-know-how-i-survived it: what you want is peace, not death. your brain is sick. it has romanticized an ending where there are no consequences. where effort isn't necessary. where you can just... forget.
you want peace. that is a normal, human thing to want. maybe it feels more like you want quiet. or just... to take a break for a second.
here is what i will say: to end yourself means you never get to experience what it's like to actually be happy. i thought i knew what it was like, and i was bitter about it. i'd say - i've been happy, it's not worth it, because i didn't know what i was missing. i thought that happiness meant having a partner or having a job or money or a college degree. it sounded like effort. it sounded like something that had to happen to me.
for the first time in my life, just this week, i was able to go to a concert and just-enjoy-it. no liquor, no drugs. just stomping my feet and getting caught up in it. i didn't feel nervous or self-conscious or overwhelmed. i just had a good time. these days have a lot of these firsts for me - it is the first time i can eat cake without crying. it is the first time i can be around an exacto blade without supervision. it is the first time i have too many people to call when i am crying.
i can't tell you where you'll run into happiness, only that, for me, it started once i was out of that fucking house. it started once i figured out where the pain was coming from. once i figured out that i was not possessed, something medical was wrong with me. that i am not stupid or lazy, i have depression and adhd. the first few years were difficult. at 19, during my efforts to recover, i actually got worse by a considerable margin. and then, with time and patience - i got better.
happiness doesn't feel like what you think it will. in movies it's so golden and all-encompassing. but it doesn't fly into your hands when you buy your first car nor does it arrive in the arms of a partner nor does it require passing your classes. happiness came to me on a tuesday in the form of a red-winged blackbird, and i looked at her, and she looked at me, and i said - oh. the whole world suddenly filled itself in with color. like i had been forever-asleep. like every corner of every room was suddenly glistening.
it ended quickly, back then. it just stopped in to check in on me. but it was enough - this thing i had never experienced, but that i knew (logically) could happen. before that, i was only staying because it would make my mom sad if i died. that was my only reason. and then the happiness came, so strange and brilliant and lovely that for years i couldn't even look at it directly.
these days, things are so different. life is so much easier. i don't wish for death because so much of what i have is already at peace. my boss understands when i need a mental health day. people in general are less prone to high school drama. entire communities hold my hand and have my number. i have a car and a dog and a little apartment garden and candles on all available surfaces and today i bought myself a little cake just-to-celebrate-nothing. my body is my own and we are both dancing.
there are so many things i've gotten to taste in the last 10 years. i know, for you, that is an eon, because it's more than half of your life. but if it helps? in the 5 years between 17-21: i filled myself with laughter and love. i got to be a lead in a ballet and got my first tattoo and then my second and pierced my ears the way i'd wanted to (one of them professionally the other over a hot stove with a potato) and i discovered hozier is my favorite singer (i know. he was new back then) and i got my first real job and my first real paycheck and i hadn't ever been seen as smart but then i started to actually treat my adhd as a condition rather than a burden and people started saying you're like the smartest person in the room and my best friend met her husband who i will one day stand next to as maid of honor when he is her groom and i got to help people and make a stupid blog called "inkskinned" and find out that writing is actually my passion and that maybe i'm actually kind of good at it if i just practice and i got to meet my parents' dog (his name is kaiju) and i slept on couches and kissed people and tried new things and learned how to breathe without feeling my chest tighten and that peace is here, on this planet, that peace echoes everywhere, it is in my hair and my homework and my houseplants, it is quiet and divine and mine because i fought for it and i built it and yes i lost hair over it but holy shit the whole world feels like it is shifted through a sunbeam
recently someone asked me if i could go back in time to 6th grade, with all the knowledge i have now, would i? and without thinking, i barked absolutely not. i know i should say it's because i wouldn't want to risk losing any of this stuff - but really it's because i would never survive being a teenager again. it sounds incredibly lame and impossible, fake - but being a teenager was the hardest thing i ever did. i had no voice, no control, only fear and hatred.
but i did survive it. nothing about me is special. nothing about me is stronger than you or better prepared or more efficient. i didn't survive it perfectly. i made a lot of mistakes and lost a lot of friends and harmed myself in ways that i'm still recovering from. but i did survive it. and there is a part of me looking at you in the past and saying - i'm you in the future.
and holy shit. every day. every goddamn day i'm glad we survived to see the rest of it. because you hit 18 and everything changes. like, everything. and holy shit, it is infinitely worth it.
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starry-bi-sky · 22 days
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my body's aching like a knock-down drag-out
and my poor heart is an open wound A Childhood Friends Au snippet that very briefly delves into Danny's life post-accident. CW: Mild Mentions of Blood, Violence, VERY mild gore ig. Danny briefly recalls getting impaled during a fight.
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What they don't tell you about being dead is that it hurts. That it can hurt. That it can hurt more than when you were alive. That when you die, the emotions you die with stick with you like a leech that just won't let go. That emotions are ugly little thorns that stick their barbs into you and grow beneath your skin; or, at least, whatever’s left of it. 
Danny is familiar with anger. It kept him warm in Gotham, when his parents weren't home from work and he and Jason were crowding Crime Alley with their presence. It kept him warm in Amity, when the fresh sting of moving was still needling into his heart and he wanted nothing more than to rip and tear into the closest person next to him.
He's familiar with violence. With fights. With death. He's seen people die in Crime Alley probably every day. From overdose, from gunshots, from stab wounds; anything that can kill, rest assured he's seen it. He's familiar with getting his own knuckles rough and bloody when other kids turn and bare their teeth at him and Jason; they're all just starving dogs stuck in a fighting pit, primed and ready to rip out each other's throats. 
Black eyes, stomped hands, bloody noses. You name it; he’s had it. Gotham is paved with the blood of her children, and Danny likes to imagine that when he was born, the doctors handed his mother a file and told her; “Take it. He’s going to need it for his teeth.” 
Danny’s mom (and dad, for that matter) was too busy trying to keep him and Jazz fed, so Danny stole the file from her drawer with Jazz’s help, and did it himself.  
He’s familiar with anger, he thought he was getting better at it these days. It doesn’t come to him as easily as it did before. Of course, that was before Jason died. 
Danny is less familiar with grief. Caring kills and Gotham kills the caring, so Danny cares very little about other people. Or he tries to. But grief hurts. His grief hurts. It hurts too much. It hurts like a bug trying to crawl out of his chest; like a rat chewing a hole through his heart. Some days he wants to dig his hands into his hair and split himself down the middle. Some days he just wants to scream. 
He’s dead. He’s dead. He’s dead. 
He wants the whole city to hear him wailing, some days. It sticks itself in the back of his throat like bile, and Danny is one wrong retch away from letting it loose. It sticks in his lungs like all the tar he’s smoked in since he was nine. It pushes and aches at his temples, in his head, like his brain is trying to swell out of his skull. His thoughts becoming so loud they threaten to commandeer his tongue.  
He has no mouth, but he must scream. 
Something they don’t tell you about being dead is that it hurts. That it hurts more than when you were alive. Something they don’t tell you about being dead is that it’s violent. That it’s bloody. Or as bloody as it can be when everyone has no blood. 
Another thing they don’t tell you about being dead, is that it’s a lot like Gotham that way.
With no threat of death, Danny’s enemies forget death itself. Blood comes easy, like water, and teeth are encouraged. Bring your own fangs to the fight. Dying is something you can just walk off. 
Danny’s been dead for three months. He can’t say he’s been walking it off easy. He’s perfected the art of turning his nails into claws since his heart was still beating, but he can’t say he’s perfected fighting other ghosts. 
Scrappy is just not enough. 
He feels like he’s back in Gotham again. Back in her death-shroud alleyways, fighting someone bigger than him. But there’s no Jason to watch his back, and Danny has to get himself out of there alone. Or he might just not get up at all. 
Black eyes, busted lips. It’s familiar to him like an old scent, Danny isn’t quite sure that he’s missed it. It’s more familiar than his fights with Dash. 
But there’s no one else who can do it but him. Not Sam, not Tucker. He can’t lose them too. He can’t. He can’t. He can’t. His heart can’t take another break, he already feels like he’s going insane. 
With no threat of death, Danny’s enemies fight like death themself. He learns why when Technus puts a street sign through his stomach one day. It pins him to the asphalt like a moth pinned by its wings. 
Danny claws at the metal like how an animal caught in a trap chews off its leg, and every move is blinding pain. He thinks he was howling, but it’s hard to tell. He couldn’t recognize the sound of his voice. 
He bleeds green. It mixes in black with the pitch blackhole in his heart, which throbs and twists and cries in time with his reckless panic. The finger-choking terror of dying again strangles out the air he doesn’t need. His blood evaporates, only to reabsorb into him. It just bleeds out again, cycling like a snake eating its own tail. 
Danny breaks his nails clawing at the metal, and eventually gets it in his mind to pull it out. So he does, and the end drips ectoplasm green as he gets to his feet. In red-vision, Danny sends the sign back with snarling, vicious fervor. The pain is irrelevant in his rage.
Only after the fight does the hole the pole left start to close. Danny doesn’t shift human until it’s gone. Unlike other injuries, a scar stays behind. Ugly; mottled, it aches for a week with every twist and stretch his body makes. He hates it. 
Being dead is agony. 
Every part of him is in pain. Every step, every word he speaks, everything he does, it is prerequisite with pain. The body is temporary, but the soul is forever, and death has carved into it with its freezing green hands and left him with never-ending heartache. It has torn from him and stolen what of him it could, and in return it’s left him with sorrow. 
His pain is his grief, and he’s sobbed in the safety of his room more times than he can count. It’s still as fresh as the day he heard the news of Jason’s death. He knows, instinctively, that it will stay fresh forever. 
In his room, Danny shoves his hands over his mouth and shrieks in whatever, muffled way he can into his pillow. It’s not enough. It’s never enough. He needs to be louder. He needs to be heard. He refuses to be. 
Being dead hurts. 
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mimjandoodlesstuff · 12 days
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Finally, the last part of my drawings of @indieyuugure's humanized turtles, and this one's a double serving!
Here're Raph and Mikey :)
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I managed to carve out some time this evening/night (Finnish time) for more fanart of a fanfic I'm obsessed with.
Part 1, Donnie Part 2, Leo
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morganbritton132 · 9 months
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Pleaseeee I need the live stream audience’s (and their fbi agent) reaction to Steve pulling the nail bat out to defend Ozzy’s honour. The series is so amazing thank you for giving it to us!
Considering the fact that Eddie got Steve to sit down on the bed, kissed his forehead, and then left Steve, Ozzy, and the live-stream to go ‘talk’ to Dan, the unanimous reaction among the chat was, what the actual fuck.
Steve, mindless to the live-stream, flops back on the bed with a loud sigh and doesn’t even complain when Ozzy, still wet from what little time he had in his pool, jumps up on the bed next to him. Steve ruffles Ozzy’s wet fur and tells him, “You deserve nice things, buddy. If an asshole breaks your things, you have every right to break their face. That’s justice, right?”
Ozzy puts his paw on Steve’s chest and Steve nods, “You get me.”
Meanwhile, the chat is blowing up with people being like ‘adorable’ and ‘cute’ and ‘I wish he’d pet me like that’ while other people who aren’t incurably horny are just like, ‘are we going to talk about the bat? Why the fuck does that thing exist? Why does it look used? Why is it being wielded by a middle school teacher with fucking ease???’
“He’s a jock,” Eddie answers. “Of course, he has a bat. All jocks have bats.”
‘NOT WITH NAILS IN IT’ The chat explodes.
“Home security?” Eddie tries with a shrug. “I’ve been trying to get him to GET RID OF IT for decades now.”
Steve doesn’t even lift his head when he says, “I got rid of my axe.”
“You had your axe taken away from you,” Eddie replies because that was true. After the gates were officially closed, the government confiscated everything that so much as breathed in the direction of the Upside Down. Both Steve’s axe and Eddie’s sweetheart were taken.
The only reason the nail bat survived was because the government didn’t know it existed.
A couple days later when half his live-stream chats are still filled with people being like ‘why was he so comfortable holding it?’ and ‘this is a prop from a music video, right?’ and ‘please answer or I’m going to actually die,’ Eddie does provide an answer. He says, “Try googling Hawkins, Indiana. I think that’ll answer all of your questions.”
It does not.
It actually asks a lot more questions.
The introduction of the somewhat-alluded-to-before nail bat to the Steddie Conspiracy Forums causes absolute chaos. No one can agree on anything. It validates so many theories and creates dozens more especially when Steve lets it slip in the background of another live-stream that Jonathan actually made the bat and Steve just never gave it back.
Meanwhile, the only benefit to Steve’s particular brand of shitty parents is that he learned how to girlboss gaslight gatekeep from absolute pros. Anytime one of his students asks him about the nail bat, Steve acts like he has no idea what they’re talking about. He has literally never heard of such a thing, “Like the animal? Their fingernails?”
As for their agent.
Their reaction was heard across all the office cubicles in the basement of the building. Just a loud, disbelieving, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?”
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[ID: a digital comic based on the owl house, featuring Hunter and Willow. The comic is a redraw of the "alphabet confession" meme comic. In the first panel, Hunter stands nervously in front of Willow, saying "I..". The next panel is a closeup of Hunter as he continues, saying "I...I" with an intense expression. In the third panel Hunter stops and looks suprised as Willow (partly off screen) continues, saying "J, K, L, M, N, O, P...". The next panel is a closeup of Willow, somewhat bashful, continuing listing the alphabet, now on "Q, R, S, T, U, V...". The penultimate panel is a closeup of Hunter as he finishes off the alphabet for her, saying "W, X, Y, and Z". He looks equally bashful. The final panel shows Hunter and Willow holding each other and seemingly spinning in mid air as flower petals circle around them. The comic is in black and white with the gutters between panels being light pink, and Hunter and Willow are both in their post-thanks to them designs. End ID]
HAPPY 1 WEEK TIL FOR THE FUTURE! Here's a silly comic idea that would not leave my head <3 they are so fucking stupid
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boylikeanangel · 1 year
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hmm. if and when we get phillip featuring more heavily in a future knives out movie I really hope there's a fully realised version of the moment in glass onion where a woman is coming onto blanc and he's doing the whole trying to be a gentleman about this, ohh I'm flattered but.... and then phillip "get straight to the point" nolastname steps in and says something like "I'm afraid he's otherwise engaged", and then blanc introduces phillip as his Partner and THEN they have to do the whole runaround where everyone thinks "engaged" means too busy with work and "partner" means investigative partner but what they actually mean is gay partner and engaged as in Engaged to be Married. the perfect reversal of the many generations of people mistaking platonic partnerships as gay couples For Funnies in this kind of genre. the anti-bbc sherlock, if you will
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clownsuu · 8 months
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I finally have some free time to draw sketches and tell you about my headcannons with (young) Harvey and Dr. Stone!! 💥💥
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The first headcanon: Harvey really likes to touch Stone's funny sticking-out hair with his antennae (I have no idea what to call it lol). OF COURSE, Dr. Stone gets angry, and Harvey just giggles and watches him—
The second headcanon: I thought it would be funny if Dr. Stone had (and maybe still has) a secret hobby of collecting minerals and stones. it's pretty funny that a sullen and angry dude collects and examines all sorts of stones, and then writes something in his book, muttering something under his nose. if Harvey somehow found out about his husband's hobby, he could throw him beautiful stones while he was going somewhere.
The third headcanon: Harvey loves hugging Dr. Stone very much, when he does this, this old fart immediately starts to get angry and swear, but after 15-20 minutes calms down and falls asleep. maybe Harvey does this on purpose so that his husband at least sometimes gets a full sleep
(not) Old people,,,,
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turtleblogatlast · 4 months
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I’ve gone on and on about how Leo wants to be who Splinter finds is the ideal person (which just so happens to be Splinter’s ideal version of himself) but I have yet to really touch upon how Donnie is the one who most directly parallels Splinter himself to an honestly shocking degree, Raph’s taking from Splinter’s teachings and parenting has resulted in an unhealthy mixup in the different dynamics of a family versus a team, and Mikey is the one who is simultaneously the most focused on family and the most intrinsically himself which both leads to his better grasp of mystics and honestly what just might be the healthiest dynamic with Splinter.
#rottmnt#rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles#rottmnt headcanons#it’s late so I’m just speaking from the top of my head haha#anyway yeah#the Donnie Splinter parallels are crazyyy tho#I always see ppl say Leo is just like splinter but no Leo WANTS to be like splinter but he’s more a Karai#meanwhile Donnie exhibits many of Splinter’s traits and behaviors#basically Leo has taken on many perceived Lou Jitsu attributes#including his stance his most flaunted skills and his overall demeanor#while honestly being more of a quiet and determined soul at his core that is most like Karai - with the same hope and love for family#we see the more Karai aspects of Leo throughout the series but most blatantly with Future Leo’s portrayal and how Casey Jr talks about him#Donnie though - rather than Lou Jitsu he has many Hamato Yoshi attributes#it’s funny too because Donnie ALSO parallels Draxum in many ways#(you know who else does albeit to a much lighter extent? Mikey)#make no mistake I super wanna get into Raph having a hard time separating team and family and just sorta jumbling them together#but that mindset can be unhealthy!#SHOULD I GET INTO HOW RAPH ALSO PARALLELS HAMATO SHO IN SOME WAYS AS WELL AS ATSUKO#not to mention his direct parallels to OROKU SAKI HIMSELF#and Mikey - I actuallly have a touched briefly upon how his individuality and sense of self has led to his greater control of mystics#but I do think it’s interesting that he has arguably a more healthy relationship with splinter than the others as well?#idk it’s late#and I may be talking about nonsense BUT#I gotta stop here bc I’m very sleepy but I’ll probably be back in these tags rambling more later lol#would just like to add that splinter loves them all very much he is just a flawed and depressed man with a lot of untapped trauma#which unfortunately ends up affecting his boys to different degrees
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chaocollective · 27 days
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thinking about the trans apollo justice tag on a03
theres really not enough going enough on it. most of it is just porn. which is cool and all, but I'm tired of sorting through the tags down to what I want to read and getting about 20 results; and almost all of them being oneshots or being almost completely irrelevant to the fact apollo is trans in the story.
I get it that sometimes transness doesnt have to be the main point of a story. but like... it affects so many facets of your life at the time and I wanna see that explored in my favorite media.
so I'm thinking im gonna just do it myself, like a story that's relatively canon compliant, following the events of aa4 and maybe aa5/6. I dont know about those though since I havent played aa5/6 yet and I'm currently stuck on turnabout corner in aa4. either way I'm thinking I'm gonna write a sfw trans apollo justice fic. autism blast go go go!!!
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falmerbrook · 2 months
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I'm getting back into animating after having to avoid it for a year because of my hand pain, and while I'm really excited about it and about posting to youtube again, I'm also kinda scared to actually post tes animations because it means I'm gonna have to interact with the gamer™ crowd. They can be fun, but also part of the reason I only feel comfortable with posting tes stuff here is because I find half of the fanbase everywhere else stressful and obnoxious to deal with sometimes. For example: my nerevarine is an argonian, and l'm quite proud of his design and like sharing him, but ever time I do on youtube or reddit or twitter I inevitably get the same "hurr durr argonian nerevarine?!? that doesn't make sense" or faux-racist argonian comments that I don't even know what to do with. It's not exclusive to that scenario, but it's like there's always one or two uncomfortable comments under any given tes fanart or post that goes against the standard popular meme interpretations of everything. and I hate dealing with them
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Man.... I can't stop thinking about Pac and the Risus Pill arc
Pac saying he took the pills because he didn't have any other choice, he was so hopeless he wants to take them until he doesn't remember anything
Pac saying "At least I’m not crying in some random corner in the Island expecting my friends to come save me, and nobody comes save me"
And then the thing he said immediately before that: "I lost my friend, I lost my friend’s friend, I lost my Egg, I lost my child, I lost everything, I'm– I was completely hopeless– so yeah, maybe I wanna be drugged and live my miserable but happy life. At least I’m not in that saddest place anymore."
The blood at Chume Labs
The three graves at Chume Labs
The message he wrote to Cellbit asking Cellbit to kill him if things got too bad, then changing it and saying "lock me up" instead.
The conversation with Fit, Fit pleading with him, and Pac saying "I don’t want to go back to that bad and sad place."
Pac, despite his grief and depression, finding an antidote and saving himself (with the help of his friends)
Literally everything from the Risus Pill arc makes me so heartbroken
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buttercup-barf · 1 year
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The Mario movie was cute, best scenes are the ones with the bros just being. Bros.
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Peppino is their cousin. That's it, that's the funny.
And per tradition? I guess? Some more (unfortunately Mario-less) doodles under the cut.
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... Yeah. Twinsomnia again. These damn sibs are still on my brain. They're here to - Oh? Oh, Peppino's not a kid? They had the wrong address? Oh well. Might as well help him get through the tower!
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Something-something functioning as a single character, something-something throwing each other around, something-something basically Gus and Brick.
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Some more self-indulgent crossover'ish nonsense...
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Same mirror, same man, different time, different reflections. Shoutout to @/rascal-rose for the idea of young Peppino having curly hair!! I cherish him.
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And some wholesome stuff to top it off. (I feel like my handwriting is especially bad on the last one, so just in case, it goes "Buongiorno, ranocchio. Do you want the coffee?".)
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