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#just worried nothing more believe me
stromblessed · 4 months
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Mizu, femininity, and fallen sparrows
In my last post about Mizu and Akemi, I feel like I came across as overly critical of Mizu given that Mizu is a woman who - in her own words - has to live as a man in order to go down the path of revenge.
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If she is ever discovered to be female by the wrong person, she will not only be unable to complete her quest, but there's a good chance that she'll be arrested or killed.
So it makes complete sense for Mizu to distance herself as much as possible from any behavior that she feels like would make someone question her sex.
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I felt so indignant toward Mizu on my first couple watchthroughs for this moment. Why couldn't Mizu bribe the woman and her child's way into the city too? If Mizu is presenting as a man, couldn't she claim to be the woman's escort?
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However, this moment makes things pretty clear. Mizu knows all too well the plight of women in her society. She knows it so well that she cannot risk ever finding herself back in their position again. She helps in what little way she can - without drawing attention to herself.
Mizu is not a hero and she is not one to make of herself a martyr - she will not set herself on fire to keep others warm. There's room to argue that Mizu shouldn't prioritize her quest over people's lives, but given the collateral damage Mizu can live with in almost every episode of season 1, Mizu is simply not operating under that kind of morality at this point. ("You don't know what I've done to reach you," Mizu tells Fowler.)
And while I still feel like Mizu has an obvious and established blind spot when it comes to Akemi because of their differences in station, such that Mizu's judgment of Akemi and actions in episode 5 are the result of prejudice rather than the result of Mizu's caution, I also want to establish that Mizu is just as caged as Akemi is, despite her technically having more freedom while living as a man.
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Mizu can hide her mixed race identity some of the time, and she can hide her sex almost all of the time, but being able to operate outside of her society's strict rules for women does not mean she cannot see their plight.
It does not mean she doesn't hurt for them.
Back to Mizu and collateral damage, remember that sparrow?
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While Mizu is breaking into Boss Hamata's manse, she gets startled by a bird and kills it on reflex. She then cradles it in her hands - much more tenderly than we've seen Mizu treat almost anything up to this point in the season:
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She then puts it in its nest, with its unhatched eggs. Almost like she's trying to make the death look natural. Or like an accident.
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You see where I'm going with this.
When Mizu kills Kinuyo, Mizu lingers in the moment, holding the body tenderly:
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And btw a lot of stuff about this show hit me hard, but this remains the biggest gut punch of them all for me, Mizu holding that poor girl's body close, GOD
When Mizu arranges the "scene of the crime," Kinuyo's body is delicate, birdlike. And Mizu is so shaken afterward that she gets sloppy. She's horrified at this kill to the point that she can't bring herself to take another innocent life - the boy who rats her out.
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MIZU'S ONE MOMENT OF SOFTNESS AND MERCY, COMING ON THE HEELS OF HER NEEDING TO KILL A GIRL TO SPARE HER THE WORST FATE THAT THIS RIGID SOCIETY HAS TO OFFER WOMEN, AND TO SPARE A BROTHEL FULL OF INNOCENT WOMEN WHO ARE THE CASTOFFS OF SOCIETY, NEARLY RESULTS IN ALL OF THEIR DEATHS
No wonder Mizu is as stoic and cold as she is.
And no wonder Mizu has no patience for Akemi whatsoever right before the terrible reveal and the fight breaks out:
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Speaking of Akemi - guess who else is compared to a bird!
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The plumage is more colorful, a bit flashier. But a bird is a bird.
And, uh
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Yeah.
I like to think that Mizu killing the sparrow is not only foreshadowing for what she must do to Kinuyo, but is also a representation of the choice she makes on Akemi's behalf. She decides to cage the bird because she believes the bird is "better off." Better off caged than... dead.
But because Mizu doesn't know Akemi or her situation, she of course doesn't realize that the bird is fated to die if it is caged and sent back home.
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Mizu is clearly not happy, or pleased, or satisfied by allowing Akemi to be dragged back to her father:
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But softness and mercy haven't gotten Mizu anywhere good, recently.
There is so much tragedy layered into Mizu's character, and it includes the things she has to witness and the choices she makes - or believes she has to make - involving women, when she herself can skirt around a lot of what her society throws at women. Although, I do believe that it comes at the cost of a part of Mizu's soul.
After all, I'm gonna be haunted for the rest of this show by Mizu's very first prayer in episode 1:
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"LET" her die. Because as Ringo points out, she doesn't "know how" to die.
Kind of like another bird in this show:
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stizzysupremacy · 3 months
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“It’s a romcom!”
their breakup has a body count, which is neither especially romantic nor particularly funny 🤷‍♀️
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worstloki · 6 months
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sigyn that married loki like ages ago so when it comes out he's jotun she's like. 'well it's a bit late to do anything about that'
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quickhacked · 1 month
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I ONCE KNEW A MAN WHO HAD FIRE IN HIS EYES // BLOODY RIGHT HAND, HE HAD TAKEN HIS ENEMIES' LIVES
taglist (opt in/out): @shellibisshe, @florbelles, @ncytiri, @hibernationsuit, @stars-of-the-heart, @vvanessaives, @katsigian, @radioactiveshitstorm, @estevnys, @adelaidedrubman, @celticwoman, @rindemption, @carlosoliveiraa, @noirapocalypto, @dickytwister, @dameaylin, @killerspinal, @euryalex, @ri-a-rose
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cerise-on-top · 3 months
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It's me! Again 😁
Farah x GN reader
just a lazy day with her!!
○Morning cuddles
○Making breakfasts together
○Cuddles and reading
○Take out food, movies, AND MORE CUDDLES
No pressure, take your time, and take care 🫶
THANK YOU!! Lovely request, absolutely lovely idea again! I love Farah, pining for her is one of my favorite pastime activities! You can do absolutely no wrong with cod girls! Thank you for entrusting me with this request, I truly appreciate it!! It ended up being a bit long, like fic length, even if I wanted to write more headcanon things! But that's okay! It happens, it happened before and it will happen again!
Lazy Day with Farah
It wouldn’t be too uncommon for the two of you to be sleeping together at night. It’s warm, it’s calming, it's grounding. For just one night you won’t be worrying about gunshots and people dying, for just one night it’s the two of you and absolutely no one else. But even so, as morning comes, no matter how safely tucked away you’re under Farah’s chin, responsibilities await. A growling stomach and the ever growing urge to use the bathroom being your biggest enemies as you revel in her presence. Your eyes are still closed, but discomfort washes over you either way, not only because of the two aforementioned conditions, but because they won’t go away on their own. It’s disdainful, really, having to get up because the human body can’t control itself, but you had to lest something worth being scolded for happens.
Slowly, as to not rouse her from her sleep, you try to untangle yourself from Farah, but to no avail. Small in stature, she’s much stronger than anyone would think, her grip simply tightening on you. Even so, her lips curve upwards and a chuckle escapes her. In order to get a good look at you, she moves her head a bit backwards, beautiful brown eyes boring into your own. Her gaze was soft but not hazy, she must have been awake for a while, it seemed. Pressing a kiss to your forehead, she hummed a little tune before finally wishing you a good morning. You had finally awoken and she admitted to having been awake for a while. Her warmth makes you feel right at home as you nuzzle into her once again, a sigh leaving your lips. After wishing her a good morning, you complain, not wanting to get up to use the bathroom, thinking that staying in bed is a much more favorable choice just so you can take her in for a few more minutes. Your wishes were unheard as your stomach, filled with nothing but air, growled once again. Despite agreeing with you, Farah chuckled, pressing another kiss to the top of your head before getting up. After all, if she was no longer in bed with you, then you had another incentive to take care of your needs.
Her plan bore fruit. As she got herself a glass of water in the kitchen, she could hear the toilet being flushed before you, half asleep and not yet ready to tackle the day, trudged into view, your posture slouched. Taking a seat on the chair, you whined yet again, your eyes small, just barely open. It was a surprise you could see anything at all. In hopes of getting back into the warm bed, you made grabby hands at her, not bearing to even think about the room temperature kitchen, seeming so cold on your warm skin. A pat on the back and some teasing encouragement was all you got as she walked past you towards the cabinet, pulling out a pan. Even as you barely registered what she was doing, you asked her whether or not you could help her out a bit. It was much appreciated as, after setting the pan down onto the stove and while tying her hair, she said yes, calling you to her even if she wouldn’t trust you with the stove just yet. She explained to you that she was in the mood for something you both liked, something simple that wasn’t too hard to make: Kikliko. You had made those before, so it didn’t seem like too much of a task.
Two eggs, some white bread, milk, salt and oil. Eggs, milk and salt were mixed together, last one was poured into the pan. Whisking them together, you zoned out a few times as you did so. As you watched the bread soak a bit in the mixture, you were torn from your empty thoughts, interrupted with a kiss to the cheek as Farah took the bread and put it in the pan, frying it for a moment. The process was repeated a few times. By the time you were done you had some delicious food you could easily digest and stomach. And that you did, eating together while you hummed a few responses to her questions, slowly waking up to give her proper ones. It was an adorable sight to Farah. You munching on some kikliko, sighing contently as she told you about her and Alex’ endeavors, how well everything was going. Soon enough you and her could live in peace without having to worry about freedom. She had her cause, and ever since meeting you, you were a big part of it.
Although you were more sappy than she was, you expressed your gratitude, thanking her for fighting the way she does, as valiantly as she can for the freedom of her people. You may not be a soldier, but if you can make her life just the tiniest bit easier, give her something to look forward to at home and help her relax with the consequences of fighting being far from her mind for just a moment, then you know you did everything right. The sentiment got to her, a gentle smile on her face as she listened to your words intently. You did so much more than that, you made a house a home, somewhere she could settle down, enjoy her life and not be subjected to enough stress to kill most people. But you’d never know how strongly she actually felt about you. There are thousands of languages in this world, each with their own unique words, to have a chance at conveying something, anything at all. And even in those thousands of languages, not a single one could ever put into words just how much she loved you.
You put the dishes in the sink, got ready for the day, only to settle for lazing on the couch for another few minutes. A few minutes turned into an hour, an hour into several. The only time you both left each other’s arms was to grab a book each, deciding on reading to each other. It was pleasant, listening to Farah read stories out loud you couldn’t understand. One Thousand and One Nights, a book renowned throughout the world, of origins that can only be speculated these days. You couldn’t speak or understand Arabic past counting to ten, but she made those words flow from her tongue so easily, so beautifully. Indeed, she could have told you about anything, from cruel kings to malevolent spirits, and you’d be none the wiser, but it was so pleasant to listen to. Lying on her chest, feeling it rise and fall with every breath, feeling the vibrations of her voice. Your eyes were closed throughout most of the story, merely open to sometimes get a look at the foreign letters. It was astounding, how a completely different language had different letters that seemed as easy to read as the latin alphabet to some people.
But when it was finally your turn to read, allowing Farah’s vocal chords some well deserved rest, so she can bless your ears and your heart with her voice once more at a later time, you let your love settle on you instead, allowing her to rest on your chest. It was a book you had liked for quite some time, having read its contents more than once already. A collection of poems and love songs from long ago. Fragments were missing, never found, lost to time forever. But what has been passed down for you and your people to see, was as beautiful as it could be. And thus, you started reading:
        It’s very easy to make this clear
        to everyone, for Helen,
        by far surpassing mortals in beauty,
        left the best of all husbands
         and sailed to Troy,
        mindful of neither her child
        nor her dear parents, but
        with one glimpse she was seduced by
        Aphrodite. For easily bent...
        and nimbly...
        has reminded me now
        of Anactoria who is not here;
        I would much prefer to see the lovely
        way she walks and the radiant glance of her face
        than the war-chariots of the Lydians or
        their footsoldiers in arms.
Another sappy and lovestruck thing you said that day, it seemed to never end. But how could it? When you had your very own Venus lying so warmly on top of you, listening to every word you said. But a small comment was all you got from Farah. You were sappy, you were lovestruck and nauseous with adoration for the woman you held oh so gently. The words you read made your heart sing with glee, Farah was the audience for an ode to love and joy. Holding your own goddess in your arms, you continued to read, hoping your voice was as soothing to her as hers was to you. As time went on, your voice getting raspier and drier, you were distracted by your beloved staring at you from her comfortable position. A bashful smile made its way onto your lips, your voice, otherwise resolute, becoming more quiet and shaky as you tried to be serious, as you tried to hide your smile.
Hours had passed ever since you started reading and cuddling, it was only a matter of time until a human body, needy as it could be, would start to make itself known once again. Otherwise so content with floating in space, forgetting about your earthly needs, it was this void in your stomach that asked to be filled yet again. A sisyphean task, if one really thought about it. It wasn’t a plea, not a question either, but more of a demand than anything else: Farah was hungry, but she couldn’t be bothered to cook that time, too comfortable to get up. You leaving her wasn’t an option either, the only solution to the conundrum you were facing being to ask someone else to cook for you. You had money and no motivation to perform this specific task. Therefore, you took out your phone after putting the book on the table, typing in the website that would allow you to order food.
The decision was unanimous, something simple but filling it was going to be. One could do absolutely no wrong with a burger. Both of you chose one the other wasn’t going to take, the reasoning being that you could try each other’s food in that case. This was a lie on your behalf. You had had a burger from that place before, the exact one Farah chose, so all that was left for you to do was steal her food.
But until then, time needed to be killed. It was simple enough: Turning on the TV, watching some documentary about marine life. The moment the crab was in danger of being eaten by a shark, your adrenaline spiked, having gotten attached to the critter already. Invested in its life, you silently cursed the fish for scaring the little crustacean. It was an unfair fight from the start, the crab could have never won against the bite force of a shark, leaving it vulnerable and defenseless.
The documentary was fine to Farah. Crabs weren’t something she was invested in, but watching your facial expression change just a bit was amusing. The way you’d frown at sharks, the way you’d light up a bit upon watching new crabs hatch, the way you’d look relieved when they reached land and finally matured. How you could possibly love some animal in a documentary was beyond her, but it was adorable. You had such a big heart, always taking care of others, it was only natural someone had to protect you as well. Such was Farah’s job. And when the person delivering your food rang on the door, you jumped, not expecting them to have been this quick.
Whereas Farah did not negotiate, you did, wanting to see more baby crabs on the beach, thus asking Farah to come get the food. She agreed, but only if you got the cutlery for them. It was a fair deal, but you hurried to the kitchen regardless, the clanging of metal being rather loud.
Just for another second, your eyes were glued to the screen before tearing themselves away from baby animals to welcome a big, hearty burger with open arms.
The food was pretty good, but you couldn’t look away from Farah’s burger. Vile as always, you got to work as she was chewing on a piece, cutting a piece of her burger off and eating it instead. You kicked her while she was down, leading to her getting some revenge and taking away your curly fries privileges. You were certain by the time you were both done you had eaten more of each other’s food than your own. But it didn’t matter, you were both full and content. Taking the cutlery and takeout boxes into the kitchen, you refilled your glasses of water, adding a lemon slice into both of them. The glasses, however, had to have been at a safe distance before Farah would unleash her final, deadliest attack.
You were safe then, unassuming and a bit sluggish from just having eaten burgers and fries, it was the perfect time to strike. Arms wrapped around your waist, Farah pulled you down onto the couch. No matter how much you struggled, how much resisted, there was no way you could have won. Just like the crab with its puny shell within the shark’s maw, you were caught in Farah’s arms. Indeed, you were done for when she pulled you into her lap. In order to steady yourself, show yourself as more dominant than you really were, you wrapped your arms around her shoulder. A kiss from her turned into a kiss from you, both of you trying to outdo each other, show the other they were more loved.
In the end, neither of you would stay serious, giggling with each other after the tenth or so kiss. A battle of wits, of dominance and fun: Who could out-cuddle the other? You had half a day left to find out!
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crossbackpoke-check · 7 months
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Why I Am Not Coming In To Work Today [abridged], Jess Zimmerman
part one | part two
#toronto maple leafs#HELLO EVERYBODY THIS HAS BEEN MONTHS!!! MONTHS IN THE MAKING BECAUSE i AM UNHINGED AND NEEDED THE PRECISE PICTURES THAT I KNEW I WOULD GET#like. seventy five percent of this has been done since the first time i posted this and while it has gotten better with time because#my narratives simply got more complex and there's so much of this that is For Me but don't worry i will explain but aLSO goddamn mitch coul#you have gotten married any later in the year. also willy you truly disappointed me by not getting an absurd haircut this year (now that#i've said this he's going to debut it on instagram like. tomorrow. but anyway that meant y'all got to enjoy my neuroses of#Loving Tyler Bertuzzi who is a goddamn leaf. the joys of having to wait to post this (was not a leaf at the time i started it) and anyway i#have at length i think had the breakdown about tyler in pigtails girl dad & how i got a bob & then tyler copied me which was rude. that's m#gender. ANYWAY starting from the top we got sheldon keefe documentation which was really just the personal decision that i wanted all the#coaching staff to be the markers in the poem/the bold & also at the TIME keefe hadn't re-signed &we thought it might be everybody out w/kyl#anyway the title of the scrap of an old lover's flannel is literally 'u think this is about sheldon & kyle NO it's about timothy liljegren'#bc. liljegren was on the marlies winning cup team & has had a contentious relationship w/keefe ever since & was healthy scratched in playof#& the narrative is sooooo. also at one point for the ryan o'reilly i was going to edit the stlb out of his grandma's shirt or cover it w/th#childhood dreams line but THEN i found the gio snapped stick one which was too perfect for 'crumbling copy' the ryan o'reilly To Me is so.#ur insane in ways u did not think for that one. like. how soft her hands were. his grandma you guys. he grew up a leafs fan. if he ever get#to lift the cup with her again i will lose my shit. the cup run a movie i remember nothing--OKAY the spezz one i knew i needed him stresse#but also i believe in the spezz/kyle narrative so. it comes up later don't worry ALSO SPEZZ FOLLOWING HIM TO PITT CAME AFTER I MADE THIS bu#the muzz tea one makes me a little sensy bc muzz was out with an injury for most of this season & it was a really scary spinal one & so yea#& then the simmer one just straight up makes me cry bc i love him so much & the work that he does for anti-racism in hockey means so much &#if you have that video open & watch it i promise you will cry i do every time it's so beautiful he had to be on comforted by beauty & sammy#boy is on the a man who doesn't know me because EYE remember the caps goalie tandems. baby lilya. the mo one is a little funny bc it is#solely due to wade's thread about mo rielly the coal miner homestead husband. that's why he moves to omaha also i think it suits him (quiet#OK NOW OLD MEN IN LOVE NARRATIVE this one's in contention for my fave bc it's spezz coping w/retirement fundamental meaningless of existenc#u heard abt tyler already that's for me the minchy picture was just too good i had found it earlier & i spent SO LONG looking for an empty#leafs rink picture for bathtub i have some cool construction photos but i wanted the melting ice ones (thought about tahoe lol) & the sprin#one i manip'd a lot bc i needed a spring picture bc playoffs clinch in spring & that one fit so coincidentally perfect bc it's 7 straight#seasons 7 guys so. :) & i KNEW i swore to god they did more milk advertising i knew i was gonna do this one from the minute i saw the poem#the milk patch & it took a hot minute BUT I FOUND THIS ONE this one's for funsies. AND THE PIC I WAITED SO FUCKING LONG FOR this is actuall#from kerf's wedding but i was like i know on god mitch is getting married this summer & that's about to be the drunkest shenanigans wedding#i'm waiting for the pics. & then i was BLESSED with this one which is beautiful & perfect & LOOK AT THEM. anyway the last one is bc
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yooniesim · 5 months
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Not the antiblack, transphobic troll blog doing a classic dirty delete... Can't delete dumbassery love, that stays on the internet forever 😂
Dumbass already forgot the teen life stage exists, misgendered me in a random post showing both they ass cheeks, doubled down about it with a classic "he/she/it whatever they are", made fun of a black person's black sim's lips being "too big" while randomly hyping up a black sim made by a white simmer, posted 90% black sims making fun of their features while reblogging posts w/black celebrities like ice cube and Rihanna (probably the only black ppl they know) to add to their lil act, said "i don't only make fun of blacks" and blocked when confronted about it (soooo obvious), which was all pretty boring and expected and not worth acknowledging... but then they deleted all of that cos the big bad honest troll blog got no spine! which has me fucking rolling HELP 🤣
How ya gonna act like the voice of the ppl and delete all your bad takes? Didja get too many mean asks about them, baby boy? 🥺 can't stand by all ur meaningless dick swinging? feeling insecure about having no comeback skills on top of that? 🥺 every time someone bucks up at you you do a delete and stop acknowledging them and its so damn funny for someone pretending to be so hard and real. I mean I knew you were gonna mention me once you saw I said you have no skills, I was waiting to see what you'd come up with, but I didn't expect it to be this weak... imagine being a troll and taking obvious bait 🤭 just to confirm u got no talent. soooo sorry 😂
So much for "honesty" 😢
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frecklydork · 2 months
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my ptsd is horrific today it’s like I cannot go an hour without having a flashback. I keep spending money on food that I cannot keep down. I keep trying to sleep only to jolt awake after an hour and then having to go to work drowsy and shaky and lightheaded
I always feel so. unlovable when I’m like this. i relapsed on self harming again when I was clean for a couple of months and I can’t help but think that Ken would hate me the most during these times. like he’d take one look at me and just. want nothing to do with me.
he’s never seen human blood before. he didn’t know it was red. what would his reaction be to some girl crying on the bathroom floor, bleeding and vomiting profusely. it would probably scare him. I don’t know how he’d love me when I’m some… shaky and broken fragile thing
he’d think I’m too scary. i never want to scare him. he’d want nothing to do with me if he saw me like this. he’s never even heard of self harming before. he’s a plastic doll. he’d think imm. Really stupid hahahaaa I’m stupid for self shipping with characters when the idea of them not loving me has been beaten into me for so long you’d think I’d learn by now
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girlcrushau · 4 days
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#me? about to use tumblr as a diary again? in 2024? unfortunately:/#but here have a waterfall i saw on a hike last week as payment#i am sO tired and exhausted emotionally after dating#there's this guy that i fr thought was going to last and be around for a long time. we spent like every moment together that we could for 2#months straight and if we werent physicaly together we were texting or calling or on ft . just every part of our day had the other in it#not once did i ever feel unwanted undesired or uncared for. not once did i feel that i wasnt sure of his intentions. i felt safer with him#in those 2 months than i ever did with any one else i could think to compare to.#until one day he just didnt think it important to communicate any more. after 3 days of nearly nothing .. hardly any talking . i asked if#he was ok if we were ok. what was going on in his head. he said some ive just been with my buddies and family and havent been on my phone#and just. immediately thats heartbreak yanno. thats :// thats what they say when theres a new girl. but there'd never been a reason to think#there was another girl so i was like ok we're gonna trust bc this dude has been So good in every way. so i said imy but i understand. enjoy#your time with your buddies and with your fam -- i cant wait to hear about it (and hold you)#and i havent heard from him in the 3 weeks since. just randomly#so last night#i send the dreaded 'i miss you' text.#i dont expect to hear back and i accept the hurt that will come with that and the confusion that i've felt settles deeper into my heart#until this afternoon i hop on ig and see a hard launch that was posted an hour after my text was sent#that shit kinda hurt different. but also sent me into a bit of a delirious state where all i could do is laugh bc are you for fucking real#did she see my message? i know it. bc i know him and i know that he wouldnt hide anything from the person he's giving his heart#and his softness to. i can almost imagine how he showed her and promised her theres nothing to worry about#and there really isnt anything to worry about because he genuinely is the type to give his all to the relationship he's in#which feels silly to say after what happened w us. like no there wasnt a title ever#it sucks to call it a situationship because a month ago we were laughing in bed together about how we could never bc we were all in.#just the timing of the hard launch makes me giggle. did my text push them to have a conversation about what they are. was she really the#reason that he went away on me.#im trying not to blame myself . trying not to think about the phone calls i didnt answer. about what i could have done differently. trying#not to think about where we would be if i didnt let my anxieties hold me back. if i wasnt scared about what he'd think of the parts of me#that i keep hidden just a little bit longer than the rest.#and at the same time im trying not to put him on a pedestal. but that pedestal is just where i wholeheartedly believe he belongs#he set the bar for me. he set the standard. i was never too much. i was never too little. he made me feel perfect just as i am
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nevoadecaipora · 2 months
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writing poetry sometimes feels like you gotta cut yourself open to express it idk smear all your organs all over the page and hope somebody else reads something beautiful. is that like divination the way it's expressed in various places and things? I dunno. poetry never slides off your skin like water off a duck's back. it's from within I think. sometimes you have to tear yourself apart to get at the words and sometimes it just wells up from within and gushes out. always from somewhere deep inside. sometimes it's difficult and horrible and painful but the alternative would be worse. sometimes it's from sheer joy that must overflow into words. I think that's beautiful personally. skin splitting from joy. it happens, I think, to us all at some point. or maybe I'm just a creature of extremes. maybe that online test I did because a friend recommended it is true. it said my symptoms were high. I don't know. maybe it is true, maybe it's not. I read a book once where there was a character named Nathan Hill-and-Dale, and while I'm not nearly as extreme as he was portrayed, in my extremes, I know I'm a fairly volatile person. funny, for most people who see me IRL seem to think that I'm fairly calm. nope, I'm a volcano. watch out, even when I'm apparently calm I might blow up one way or the other. one of my residents' family members said today that I was young and bubbly and she was glad to see it because happiness is the prerogative of the young. a part of me wished I told her. I have actively tried to kill myself once; I have come extremely close to the same actions countless times including yesterday; I would sooner hurt myself than others; if I had my own choice I would simply starve. of course I didn't tell her. sometimes I think I'll never get better. at this point I would consider it a very high chance that I will either die by suicide or end up in hospital following an attempt. not now, of course. but despite my fierce love for my course it has stress associated with it and I think that it's very likely that no psych help on earth would fix my mental health enough for that not to be an option mentally in this short time. I think it's possible to recover from all of the things I struggle with. God help me, I hope it is. the real question is whether I will survive long enough to recover from them. and the answer? I know not. I was reminded of a past interaction with the boy today, where he called my name - I turned - his grandfather, a photographer, was waiting to see if he could get a decent photo, for we were at a church conference and he was trying to get photos everywhere. they were laughing. I could not help but laugh. that memory is tainted now, for he would not look at me now, let alone try to pull such a stunt again. I don't blame him. I don't blame anyone for it. I wonder what would happen if I blocked all my friends on discord; who would seek me out? part of me hopes people would, another part hopes they would not. sometimes I just want to be left alone to curl up and die. it would be easier. so much easier than living, and living, and living. I tried writing poetry just now. it felt like trying to cut myself open, I couldn't get the words out. it only made me feel rather wild. I'm desperate for change, for something. something. what is that something? I don't know. did you know I'm a sadist? I would not in a public place express the thoughts that led me to that conclusion. but I am. I wish I wasn't. there's an obvious solution to that. quick, and easy. so easy. too easy. I tried writing poetry, and then instead of writing anything coherent, I wrote this.
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phoenixcatch7 · 10 months
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Lmaoooo okay so MAJOR story spoilers ahead-
But I just finished the crisis at hyrule castle quest line (after thorough googling that I wasn't going into the final boss, of course) and went back to the landing where everyone gathered to discuss what to do next.
It was all very solemn and thoughtful, everyone theorising and letting it sink in how incredibly dangerous ganon was, and then purah and riju are like 'omg there was a sixth sage maybe we can find whatever they've left behind maybe it can help us' and then Link IMMEDIATELY speaks up like 'oh yeah about that I've already found her. Yeah she's fine she's going to help us. I've also got the master sword too by the way'.
Everyone was SHOOK. I got praise and amazement from all sides. Purah was like 'ALREADY???!! And you didn't think to TELL ME??' it was great.
Never felt more like canon link in my life. I've got a screenshot of everyone's :O?! face. Going to be riding that high for hours XD.
But it's very impressive that I managed to procrastinate so hard I managed to skip about three major plot lines just by squirrelling my way where I'm not supposed to be purely by accident lmao.
#totk spoilers#<- MAJOR ONES#loz#legend of zelda#tears of the kingdom#totk#loz totk#loz tears of the kingdom#Purah: I can't believe what we're up against. And how hard it must have been! But you're so calm and collected about it!#Me: aw thanks keep talking ^^#Purah: you're really a wonder link. I'm amazed by what you can do! It's up to us now! Let us help you!! ✌️#Ngl finding the thunder head heart door was pure. PURE chance. It was night and I couldn't see the arrow head on links bow#Pouring rain and thunder. Somehow managed to blindly claw my way to the top of the ruin and spent ages trying to find out what it was#At the very last second before I left I slipped on the side of the wall and fell all the way down. Straight onto the shrine.#Eventually gathered the hearts and came right back to do the whole thing. No idea it was supposed to be a triggered quest until now LMAO#But fr everyone was so shaken after ganons vision and link was just standing there like 🙄 he's already had a dozen of them XD#'pig man should have gone into theatre. Tryna play me with zelda when I know full well where she is. your precious phantoms were RUBBISH'#Seriously don't worry about the fight if you have the vows and decent armour I posed so silly and took several attacks to the spleen#And it did absolutely NOTHING. Several photos of link with phantoms furious heads in view and I lost MAYBE 3 hearts total. No anti gloom!!#I will say the image of broken doll zelda dissolving into gloom smoke will probably traumatise link but what's one more lol
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mifunebooty · 6 months
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Really funny this white dude in my speech class group i remember he kept making eye contact with me and i was like does he like me um and turns out he did that with everybody white people weird
#cherry says#anyways fun inside GOD THAT SEMESTER WAS STICKY my mom could not take unemployment well#me i got used to the cycle of looking for jobs getting nothing then stop looking bc my mom said dont worry about it ill pay the bills#i did that over and over and with film jobs id just look at texas film commission sometimes just to look#but i myself got used to the job hunting so i felt zoned out from it yet#that area felt as much a daydream as my wanting to go make a movie i didnt think i wanted to tell myself that#especially because i still was doing acting looking for acting#but yeah there was times my mom would make violent fits she would wonder what was happening#i think those times revealed a lot of the weird complexity of our relationship after high school#i didnt pity her but i did feel like i owed her something i believed so many things she told me#i feel like she wanted me to see her work as a sacrifice so i must do this and that but it was way deeper#parental love became a fucking duty to show it that was just it i did what she said#to at the same time comfort myself when i had no job and maybe even to comfort myself for being scared#i think tbh i need to face that past action that i was scared i was scared of reality even if it was a reality she talked of#i was scared of growing up and didnt wanna think about it i was scared of the future in 2 months when class ended#so maybe my mom with no job suddenly presented the risks we were all taking#maybe it made me more scared of what was to be on the outside#somebody who put fear in my head who said dont worry u study i work and that was gone#perhaps i shouldve taken that opportunity to realize NOTHING LASTS.#YOUR MOTHER WHO ALWAYS MADE IT SOUND LIKE THE WORLD WAS CONTROLLED AND PREDICTED BY HER IS AS VULNERABLE AS YOU NOTHING LASTS#but i didnt i instead became the punching bag again the quiet good girl and kept on thats a lot to swallow even more
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whatimdoing-here · 1 year
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Kids normally take showers now, but small fry has strep and flu both so when he asked for a bath I was like whatever you want kid. But nothing like a bath to really show you how long and skinny your kid is and you definitely have two KIDS and now babies, toddlers, preschoolers... Those stages are gone never to come back.
#and it's one thing to worry about fucking them up as babies (did i hold you too much should i have let you be more independent)#and toddlers (they both fell down at least half a flight of stairs made them both cry with an outburst once)#and preschoolers (i swear to zweet JESUS IF YOU DO NOT STOP WHINING never actually came out of my mouth but it came close)#but kids... i for sure am too tough on t dude and probably not hard enough on small fry and i worry I haven't taught them enough about#being kind and loving to everyone while also standing up for others and needing to get consent from people#and like stand up for what you believe but be careful what enemies you make because god knows if that person has a gun#like thinking about all of it its impossible to do all of it#and watching them make mistakes is hard seeing them disappointed is hard#should i have intervened did i just cause a fork in the road that will make life infinitely harder?#wow this escalated quickly#i had a great childhood my parents are amazing but not without issue but i don't fault them at all#the current problems I'm facing in my brain are all mine and nothing they did#but what if... i fuck up my kids#I would not trade these two for anything they mean absolutely everything to me#and I know why i wanted more#but it is not for the feint of heart and i will never fault anyone for not wanting to have kids#just like I would hope people don't fault me for choosing to have kids#anyway#sorry about this#personal nonsense
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yuriyuruandyuraart · 2 years
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woah woah woah yuri you're still alive????
haha what happened you may ask??? well, life just gave me hell and decided that today. TODAY, was gonna top it off with the biggest disaster so far!!!!!
i literally just wanted to have ONE day off after my bday, but the next morning my computer wouldn't work! which was fantastic because literally every single one of my wips/ finished not posted works/ digital art was on there so i stressed. the FUCK. out
it's fixed now ofc and THANKFULLY nothing was lost except the artworks that weren't autosaved that day! (which- yknow, sucks, but there was worse at stake before :'D) after me bEGGING my dad to help me with the problem
except it's NOT OVER yet!!!!
sai's settings and brushes reseted for some reason and my absolute fav custom brushes were gone! so with me trying to recreate them then loosing them all over because they just wouldn't be SAVED OMG and me going for a trip to my uncle's small town and watching the leftover day offs i had dwindle so goshdarn fast i was feeling so sO drained-
and wanna know the funniest thing??? when i come back home ready to post art and FINALLY rant about this what happens?? no wifi :DDDD
prioritizing the water and electricity bills first, i got to work and drew everyday to make it up for you guys and look at that! i have good and horrible news!
so SURPRISE! since you guys have been SO patient with me (thank you all :'D), i will say that i have a LOT of finished works to post! all ranging from 1 animated gif, 9 artworks, 1 illustration that's part of a little prompt idea i came up with (1 done and 4 left)
technically, i have 2 pieces finished and 3 wips for the remaining days of fnk week and 2 new ocs!!!! (and redraws of 4 older ocs, 2 of which are ready to post)
as for the worse news... man. i'm barely hanging here but woo i broke my tablet's pen and it's charging wire!! (i literally don't know how but it got separated from it's body while it was in it and i can't i can't even)
i am so so broken right now- i was so happy to update yesterday and reblog stuff since i finally got wifi again and- man it feels like i'm making this shit up but oh my god i wanna cry
i guess i could post everything i had the chance to draw before but gosh i'm so sorry but i can't promise more art after i announce which one was the last in stock- (at least until i get enough money to buy a replacement for them both)
i know i suck at communicating if i'm alive and just having a hard time but i swear this year was really rough on me and my health in general so i hope you guys can understand :'(
#rambling#delete later?#i am so so tired all the time#i guess it was a needed rest to just. not think about anything and draw for fun but it also wasn't exactly relaxing-#i have so little free time and wasting it feels so horrible and i'm. sorry#sorry for dropping off out of the sudden and sorry for the wait i'm aware that it's sad whenever it happens#i planned this post in advance so when i noticed my pen wasn't working anymore i was having such a breakdown i'm#i can't even open commissions i can't draw no more oh my gosh i'm sorry#just when you think it's getting better it gets a hundred times WORSE i can't believe my LUCK!!!!!#and oh my god SORRY for not reblogging stuff you tag me into as well!!!#i felt like every happy emotion was drained out of my soul and i couldn't act like i was excited and all when i was doing horrible so#i didn't read nor look at anything because you guys deserve the original reaction of surprise and some real compliments!!!!#sorry if that means i don't reblog right away but i refrain from looking at something and only liking if i plan on leaving commentary later#and to the asks staring daggers at me in my inbox yall i swear if i wasn't busy being stomped over by life i'd answer in a heartbeat-#THANK YOU to EVERYONE for sticking by even if you probably forgot you even followed me at this point hhh :'D#too emotionally tired to delete the old happy tags i typed before#i could probably post this once i get my emotions in check but man i'm TIRED of waiting i am so done#gosh it must be a disappointing return right? yeah#sorry for the long post but man- i just don't wanna worry you guys for nothing#so heads up i'm probably gonna take a day off after this and be less cheerful than usual once i'm back#so ill wait to reblog stuff later again (so sorry again)#i'll make an announcement once i start posting the art i finished meanwhile (one every day cause there's a LOT)
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cottonplushes · 8 months
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if i ever seem brave for some of the stuff i admit on here, just know its cause idk how to keep shit to myself. i cower at the thought of judgement and then proceed to expose my whole ass to tumblr anyway, because i dont have a working filter
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#tags are filled with worried rambling again#i hear a laugh track play whenever my anxiety flares up#im scared of what other people think of me which in itself is funny#ik others opinions of me arent an indicator of me being a bad person#other people arent gonna kno my whole personality from the stuff i draw#i fear judgement despite experiencing nothing but positive feedback on this site because i keep reading into the small things as negative#i know all this and still wither away in my shell knowing all this im saying is what id tell others if they were suffering with it#i walk in this circle and do it thousand times til i pass out from the exhaustion and later wonder y i was worried in the first place#i want to be able to say “who cares they dont know you” but ive been raised by people who spent almost every conversation-#with me basically saying they know me very well and know whats wrong with me and ive been raised believing everyone knows more than me#i worry of being so serious and actually genuine like this but this is how i like to be sometimes#stupidly thinking too much into things and laughing at myself for it and wondering why i would put myself down on something id encourage-#others to do#i worry about losing people because they wont like all of me but they wont know that unless they see the whole picture#i find myself disgusting w/ my thoughts and the things i wanna create but i dont think that of others and its strange#weird ass moment here.....#i had a really good day today got a job and finished my first tattoo#im happy right now despite the shit i just spewed#im figuring myself out for the first time in maybe years#i just wish all the hateful shit i absorbed over those years fades away soon#and i hope i stop caring so bad lol#anywayyyyy have a wonderful rest of your weekkk <3 if u read this
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