#just. the way fl has helped me with my own shit............
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Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....
So sorry for the late answer!
1. Athanasia de Alger Obelia (Who Made Me A Princess)
First hyperfixation, the manhwa I saw from start to finish. Art is just absolutely beautiful and I've been attached from the very start. Her character arc surrounding her father, Claude, had me clutching my pearls and sobbing my eyes out.
2. Dazai Osamu (Bungou Stray Dogs)
Strongest hyperfixation on the series yet. There's a certain feel I get whenever I see or read content about him. Do I relate to him? Concerningly. But it's the sort of connectedness I feel when reading what Odasaku thinks of Dazai and me agreeing and being called out half of the time lol. Lastly, he's just so pretty.
3. Chuuya Nakahara (Bungou Stray Dogs)
This man's backstory has me in a chokehold. He's gone through so much shit but, compared to other characters, he remains a "good" man. Such a complex character I can't get enough of tbh. Asagiri really paired the donut man and one of the most beautiful written characters together and I love it/pos. Lastly, also very pretty. Imagining him together with Dazai, whether platonic or romantic, is also a treat.
4. Wilbur Soot (dsmp, qsmp, general yt)
His content just, helped me get through quarantine. Also his songs are just bangers, and Lovejoy is one of my top favorite bands next to The Neighborhood.
5. Kim Dokja (Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint)
One of the first Korean novels I've ever read and finished. He is just such a well-done character, and ORV as a story in general should become a literary classic (in my humble opinion). The way he seeks comfort in a story and is willing to stay until its very end, I relate to that so much, and I just feel for this tragedy-surrounded man. I wish only the best for him and his company.
6. Cale Henituse (Trash of the Count's Family)
I remember reading the novel in its early stages and waking up for school, to then eat cereal and slowly finish reading what's been published in the dim light. Haven't touched the second book yet, but the first book was just, woah. Amazing. Rollercoaster ride. Our young lord really should start looking out for his health more, everyone's so worried.
7. Han Sooyoung (Omniscient Reader's Viewpoint)
Her story arc of being an antagonist, to the third member of their trio, and [spoiler], was an absolute blast. Her character was written with such a personality she touched my heart with her spunk and gentle care towards her friends. What she's done for KDJ is absolutely what tore my heart out. She deserves so much. They all do. Speaks even more to me since I'm a writer. Love her with all my heart <3.
8. Achilles (Greek Mythos, the Song of Achilles)
He amuses me. His rage, his reactions, the slaughter he made across the battlefield, and the way he eventually died. The fact we have historical evidence from a vase that people back then saw him rolled up into a blanket burrito during his sulking period. That he sent out one of his "closest" men in his own armory and grew enraged (understatement) when he returned as a corpse. I just, love him. Words cannot explain how I hold him, and Patroclus, to a high regard in my heart.
9. Tallulah (qsmp)
Best egg child to ever exist. Second is Chayanne. The admin for this character just stole us from the very start. Deserves a thousand bamboo flutes.
10. Ayna and Ranonthean (Secret Lady)
Might be considered cheating but these two are a couple and the toxicity cannot exist without the other. The slow unfurling of how their love story that led to the actual FL and ML's current predicament (read the story it's so good) absolutely rocked my shit. Like, omfg their children. Her family. Fate itself. I wanna sock Fate in the face. They're in love, but their love cannot thrive in a place like that. At least not for long. And it shows; the chapter this image is from, side story 11, has me by the throat. Banana-nim's art just makes everything better. They're relatively good for each other, but because of the situations forced on them, shit happens. Doomed by the narrative indeed.
Special manhwa couple mentions:
Angela and Rayburn, "I Stan the Prince"
Penelope and Callisto, "Death is The Only Ending for the Villainess"
Ines and Carcel, "This Marriage was Bound to Fail Anyway"
Shuri and Nora, "Stepmother's Marchen"
Eris and Anakin, "Kill The Villainess"
Raeliana and Noah, "Why Raeliana Ended Up at the Duke's Manor"
#who made me a princess#wmmap#athanasia de alger obelia#wmmap athanasia#bungou stray dogs#bsd#osamu dazai#bsd dazai#dazai osamu#chuuya nakahara#bsd chuuya#orv#omniscient reader's viewpoint#kim dojka#han sooyoung#trash of the count's family#cale henituse#lout of the count’s family#wilbur soot#dsmp#qsmp#tallulah#achilles#patroclus#greek mythology#the song of achilles#tsoa#secret lady#manhwa#vilanswers
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the moment ryan realized his feelings for dylan ? 😊
initially this was not at all meant to get so…intimate? blame my thumbs for typing it out i was held hostage by my hands. I gotta admit tho, I’m not the happiest with this- but I’m trying to be less of a perfectionist so I’m posting it anyway :)
side note: I HIT 100 FOLLOWERS??? Y’ALL ARE THE FUCKING BEST FOR ALL THIS SUPPORT I KISS EVERY ONE OF YOU ON THE FOREHEAD.
It was one of those summer days where you can feel the heat of the sun cooking you from the inside out, so naturally, the counsellors decided it was the perfect day to host an impromptu water balloon fight- as per Dylan’s suggestion.
Ryan had almost decided to skip out on it to go listen to podcasts at the docks, but the way his sweat made his shirt cling to his chest was getting increasingly unbearable by the second.
They’re all gathered under the tree in the cabin area, the open space and cabins providing a formidable battlefield.
“Alrighty!” Dylan exclaims with a wide grin, clapping his hands to get all the kids and fellow counsellors attention. “If you would so kindly stand in a line so we can hand you your balloons, we can get this show on the road!”
Once the kids eventually settle into a (somewhat) line, Dylan begins explaining the rules to the game.
Ryan wants to listen but…he sorta just tunes it out. In his defence, the sun has practically fried his brain.
He’s suddenly brought back to earth as he’s handed two water balloons by Dylan, who winks as he places them in his hands.
Ryan’s cheeks warm, but he blames it on the sun peeking between the tree leaves.
He’s once again ripped out of his train of thought by the sound of a countdown.
“3…2…1…Go!”
He sprints off towards the direction of the radio hit, he suspects nobody will find him there because of all the (outdated) technology inside the hut which he assumes nobody would want to get wet.
-
He’s not entirely sure how long it’s been, but safe to say, Ryan had been right about nobody coming to check the hut.
He’s leaning against the wooden back wall, leaning out ever so slightly to try get a look at the game, until-
He feels a cold hand clamp over his mouth. He lets out a muffled yelp- and as he tries to turn around to see who’s behind him, he feels a wet torso pressing up against his back. Warm breath ghosts the nape of his neck.
A shiver runs down his spine.
“If you don’t say anything, I might let you go,” a familiar voice whispers into the shell of his ear.
Ohhhh shit.
He slowly turns around until he’s face to face with Dylan Lenivy. And fuck does he look good.
Ryan leans back against the wall, Dylan’s hand still clamped over his mouth. The boy is covered head to toe in water, his wet hair flopping onto his forehead, and his soaked shirt clinging to his lean torso. He has a shit-eating grin on his face, obviously enjoying this far too much for Ryan’s liking.
“You gonna do that for me?”
“Mhm,” Ryan muffles out.
For a second, neither of them say a word, Ryan’s wide eyes staring into Dylan’s which were flicking between his own and the hand he had over Ryan’s mouth.
Ryan can feel his heart in his throat. They’re so…close. Ryan’s back is planted against the wall and Dylan’s practically caging him in, his free arm resting to the side of Ryan’s head. The air between them is thick and heavy, and Ryan can feel his stomach doing flips.
“Good!” Dylan exclaims, suddenly pulling his hand away. Although, he doesn’t make an effort to increase the distance between them.
“…Fuck dude, you scared the shit outta me-“
He’s cut off with a giggle that has his stomach doing a different kind of flip.
“Sorry- sorry- I just- I couldn’t help myself-“
Dylan cant even finish his sentence he’s laughing so hard.
Ryan’s too busy fighting the blush creeping up his neck to notice the hand above him.
He looks up just a second too late to see Dylan’s hand release a water balloon straight over his head. The ballon bursts, soaking Ryan as he gasps at the sudden coldness.
He flicks his head down to look at his assaulter, glaring as he watches Dylan stumble backwards and begin sprinting in the other direction as best as he can whilst fighting a fit of laughter.
As he’s stood there, dripping water and soaked from head to toe, Ryan takes a minute to process what just happened.
The way being so close to Dylan had made him feel…the way he yearned for the feeling of his back pressed against his again.
No. Nope. There’s no way.
Shit.
#the quarry#supermassive games#ryan erzahler#dylan lenivy#ryan the quarry#dylan the quarry#radioheads#rylan#drylan#fanfic#ficlet
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Hello! Just stopping by with a question about writing XD Do you have any characters who's role grew bigger than you expected? Any surprising changes your characters went through during the writing process?
hmmmm
I suppose Shai probably counts
originally, Shai was my first Fallen London character, but at this point there are two very similar but nevertheless distinct versions of Shai. because they are still a Fallen London character and I still write FL fanfic with them and my friends' FL characters, but I'm also (very ... very ... slowly) writing an original story in which they're a key character (and borrowing my friends' characters because I genuinely can't conceive of what Shai would be like without Daniel or Ari in their life). that on its own probably counts as their role growing bigger, but even within the original story itself, their role has grown.
initially, Shai was supposed to be ... I guess sort of an Easter egg? in Threshold. the group of hapless normies was going to stick together, and Ivan would be the one shepherding them back to safety and back to their world (Ivan has also changed a lot, considering he started as a sort of generic grizzly Manly Manpain Sad Man medieval fantasy roleplay character I occasionally used on Gaia Online). Shai would just be one of the contacts Ivan used to help facilitate that, mostly there for my friends to point at and go 'I know that dumpster fire!' and it was ... hard to write? I knew I wanted to include Shai, but Shai refused to be a footnote. one of the most entertaining things about writing Shai is that they suck up all of the oxygen in any space they enter because no one can ask if they're okay if there's no air left to do so but that also makes writing them a bit of a bitch sometimes. they refused to stay contained by the relatively small role I'd designated for them.
so next I tried swapping Shai's and Ivan's positions, making Shai the shepherd of hapless ducklings and Ivan the contact who helped them out at one point, but that also didn't feel right. Shai's not heartless generally speaking, and they can be incredibly (sometimes detrimentally) loyal and generous ... to people who they've decided have earned it. outside of that group of people, they're generally a ruthlessly pragmatic shit stick who looks at life the way a child might look at an easily shakeable ant farm. they are not the sort of character who would just volunteer to help the normies out, regardless of how curious the situation was; helping would distract from satisfying their own curiosity. plus, Ivan is generally a Good Person, and would have simply volunteered to take over Shai's shepherd duties.
which is when the solution occurred to me: split the party.
as Threshold now stands, Shai first finds the party of hapless normies, and they deliver the group to Ivan to actually help them, so they can then prance off to investigate the circumstances of the normies even being there. but then shit happens and one member of the Normie Brigade gets left behind very early in the story (it's literally how the first chapter ends). Shai is loyal to Ivan, is aware that Ivan will beat himself up if he can't get Jayne back to the group, and is also aware that Ivan will have an enormously difficult time getting the rest of the group to safety, tracking Jayne down, and getting him back to the group. on top of that, they'd already given their word to the group that they would be safe in Ivan's custody, but suddenly Jayne was no longer in that safe custody, and Shai takes keeping their word very seriously at least if they meant it when they gave it. so Shai winds up babysitting Jayne throughout the story. Threshold's current format is that the POV switches each chapter, with one chapter being the larger group from Mercy's perspective and the next chapter being Jayne, Shai, and Shai's rotating cast of friends from Jayne's perspective.
and that probably answers the question! I don't think you actually asked for most of that info, but Shai is my tragic Mary Sue trashfire and I like talking about them.
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gray,
; l;ke to cons;der myself a b;t of a "romance understander", but recently th;s has backf;red ;n the worst poss;ble way.
my matespr;t and ; are com;ng up on our one sweep, but ;'m not sure we'll make it to the n;ght.
she has been attempt;ng to court a goldblood ;n the p;tch quadrant for about two per;gees now, and was com;ng to me for adv;ce on how to best secure h;s spade. unfortunately he recently confronted her about "steal;ng" one of her fl;rt;ng attempts "beat-for-beat" from a popular romcom that he had recently watched. they had a b;g blowup about ;t, and sadly dur;ng that argument ;t came out that not only was all the adv;ce ;'ve been g;v;ng her from var;ous f;lm-based sources, but the spec;al moments ;n wh;ch ; or;g;nally won her over were "plager;zed" as well.
now she ;s fur;ous w;th me, ev;dently because that goldblood has conv;nced her that me tak;ng ;nsp;rat;on from my favor;te mov;es means that my feel;ngs are just as "fake".
normally ; would look to med;a for adv;ce, but now even that ;s out because no doubt ;t w;ll also be cons;dered ";ns;ncere"!!
; feel a b;t l;ke the protagon;st of ";n wh;ch a greenblood makes a l;v;ng boost;ng the conf;dence of romant;c su;tors so that they may w;n over the;r quadrants only for h;s own prospect;ve flushcrush to m;stakenly bel;eve from her mo;ra;l that he ;s ;n the bus;ness of d;sgu;s;ng sleazeballs ;n order to tr;ck people ;nto pa;l;ng them, wh;ch ;s not at all true but h;s reputat;on ;s ru;ned as well as the bronzeblood's whom he ;s help;ng to w;n over a seadweller etc"... ; don't know ;f you've ever seen that mov;e but that's bas;cally my current s;tuat;on!
what should ; do??
Holy shit, I love that movie actually. Troll Will Smith is fucking amazing in everything he does and I'll never hear otherwise.
As for your actual problem though, that sucks ass. You should try to talk this out with your matesprit, explain to her that everything comes from your genuine feelings for her and that you just like using moves from your own favorite things which you consider to be incredibly romantic on her. That's a very flattering thing to do! However maybe use your own words for it, just to really prove that it's from your pusher and no one else's.
Besides, things work out for the main character in the end of that movie. He gets to be with his flushcrush, and even the bronzeblood and the seadweller get together! (Spoilers if you haven't watched it I fucking guess, but like, that movie is so old that really it's on you if you haven't seen it).
Things will likely work out if you just explain your reasoning... perhaps to her kismesis as well, since he seems to be a big part of it. You should probably stop giving her advice for her other quadrants, though, because clearly other trolls aren't very appreciative of it.
Good luck.
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Manhwa: Depths of Malice
Tags: Smut, NSFW
This manhwa is an abso lute banger. Its fun, its satisfying, hot people, hot FL who's a psycho as well as a schemer. Hot ML, who's also psycho. Power couple and all that.
This is a rant as well as an appreciation post.
First off, the FL, Verta, is dead set on revenge and SPOILER she gets revenge. Its so satisfying to read. And I think its so refreshing
Verta doesn't hide who she is. She actively gets revenge on those who wronged her. And she's a good actress. No scratch that, a superb actress! She has people around her thumb. Its honestly terrifying.
Another thing is, she doesn't care about other people. She doesn't care who she has to use or take down to get her revenge. And thats so badass. Its so refreshing to see a FL like this, who isnt just rude or puting up a facade. She's here to slay and we're here for it!
And most of the men here are awful. Just horrible human beings.
Exhibit A:
Lawrence, her then-fiancee
This bastard enjoys watching other me violate her. Specfically bis subordinate Baron Jacob. Honestly an ass. He dies by the way. Killed by Jacob beating him to death, due to a drug that increases one's stamina (that Verta gave).
Exhibit B:
Jacob
He's a sexy motherfucker. He's in love with Verta, but he cant do anything to help as he's under Lawrence. No excuse though. The fandom collectively agrees thst he's a prick. Love or no love, he let her be hurt. Due to the drug, He ends up killing Lawrence in a rage. Goes to prison.
Exhibit C:
Marquis Proud Carter
Another sexy motherfucker.
Caused Verta's (before posessing her body) mother do kill herself. A pedophile. Kidnapped a princess to make her his love-toy. Instigated most of her suffering. Gets exposed and executed in the end. Die you bastard!
Exhibit D:
Baron Ralph Maximilian
A mildly good-looking bastard.
Tries to violate Verta. Is a prick. I dont like him. Personality like shit. Is canonically a looser (said by his wife) and utterly pathetic. Gets killed by Verta. So badass of her.
Lets forget about the bad boys, lets look at the good boys.
A: Nathan
He's actually not a ML. He's actually a subordinate of Proud Carter, which makes him our(the fandom's) enemy too, but from the comments I've read, he's not too bad, other than the fact that he's an underdog of Proud. I almost forgot! He's a deuch to his fiance. She's so sweet. But he doesn't like her for whatever reason. His loss.
But he's head over heels for Verta. If Im being honest I don't think he's that bad. He's actually kinda sweet. And like a softie for our FL. Too bad, FL had to seduce him in order to kill him so that she could use his body for someone else's vessel.
I honestly think he ranks second in my books as ML. We love a guy who'd die for us to be together in the afterlife (eventhough Verta technically tricked him). Honestly I love him.
B: Yersha
He's the wizard that helps Verta. Good guy. Not a ML but still that pretty face earns some brownie points. Also, he uses Nathan's body as his vessel after he dies fir personal reasons. Very helpful to our FL. I liked his face. Not complaining cause Nathan's face is fine too.
C: Blaine Shade
A hottie. The actual ML. Marris Verta in the main story line. A physco in his own right. Tried killing his sister. Manipulative. Very sweet to Verta. Awesome chemistry between them both. Sexy. Very suave. Head over heels for FL. Honestly very good ML.
I have to make separate post for the Prince.
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Hey Xumi, how did you learn to compose music? And is there like another skill you have to learn to give it a shot?
Lotsss of trial and error by just trying shit out. The post ended up a bit long, so I'm gonna have more under the cut!
I had some music knowledge from having taken a few music theory exams and took guitar/vocal lessons for a while, but that was about as far as it went, so I had no actual experience in, well, composing anything! It REALLY showed with some of my earliest compositions. Some of which are still in the game, by the way! Saki's Hijinx, Despair Desert, Painful Truth are the oldest songs I've composed for Rejuvenation that are still in the current build. Goldenleaf Town is also one, but has received a remaster since, so that one doesn't really count I think.
I started out with a trial version of Mixcraft (of which I reset the trial........... several times. because i was able to do that for some reason. very cool), then later decided to 🏴☠️🏴☠️🏴☠️ FL studio 12 LOL. That's kinda where I had to start actually making my own beats, chords and melodies since I initially relied on a sample library that was included with Mixcraft to do most of my work before then. A lot of the old songs I mentioned previously actually were made using those samples, hence why they sound a little repetitive. The switch to FL was rough at first and you could tell I had like 0 experience with mixing anything (go listen to the oldest version of the rival theme of Xenogene, it's the first song I ever made in FL), but i eventually figured out how to make stuff sound more stereo, got better at writing my own melodies and chord progressions, got access to better VST's and just generally started to get better at the whole music composing thing!!!!!!
Tutorials have definitely helped! Youtube is good. You can find a lot of ideas in different corners. For instance, one of the recent tracks I've made I actually got some ideas from watching a jazz piano chord tutorial!! There's some really cool chord progressions in jazz music and it's been really helpful to get out of the habit of sticking to the same 5 default chords hahaha........... Tho I think the thing I've had to look up the most was how to do proper mixing in production. I'm still not satisfied with my skill in that regard 🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠🫠 kms
mixing is a fuck
My biggest problem was that I just kinda... never practiced composing/actually working in a DAW enough until recent years. I used to compose music based on whims of inspiration, which is a bit of a bad habit when you're trying to get better at something, but I think I've kiiiinda gotten out of that now? I'm able to sit down and just get started on music more often lately even if I don't have any direct ideas.
I think I really started to take things more seriously since I've started making more tracks for Rejuvenation, which is subsequently how I figured out I really want to start doing music as part of my actual work now! Funny how that works, isn't it? This is the second time I figured out that I wanted to do a certain thing for a living thanks to this game LMAO
Definitely gotta give a shout out to DM Dokuro though, that man's work is so incredibly unique and has been a huge inspiration for making me want to get better at composing. The music he's composed is what's driving me to try out more new approaches to song structure, chord progressions and the likes! If you for some reason haven't listened to his work yet, do it. now. you will absolutely not regret it
#zumi answers#as for a skill i'd like to learn........ actually fucking learn how to play the piano properly#i'd kill to be able to use my midi keyboard more efficiently because it'd save half the time of having to write stuff to a piano roll#pokemon rejuvenation#anonymous
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I’m fucking livid rn.
Has anyone heard anything about the laws they’re trying to pass in the US?
-There’s the thing in Oklahoma they want to pass where they can forcibly detransition those under 26.
-Fl getting those under 18 to detransition and stopping those who are trying.
-They’re also trying to get the ‘don’t say gay’ bill to become nation wide.
Like this is isn’t even about kids anymore (it never was), this is outright discrimination and is fucking unconstitutional. And that’s not even mentioning the shit that’s already passed.
This isn’t and never was about kids. This is genuine hate for those in the LGBTQ+ community. As a trans person who lives the US this is terrifying. I have family in Florida, the oldest being 9, what if they turn out to be queer? This is putting children in unsafe home/school/public environments. This is not okay.
And it isn’t even just the US! Stuff like this is going on in the UK as well! And that’s not even beginning to talk about the country’s that you get the death penalty for being LGBTQ+!!
And this also isn’t mentioning the shit going on in the schools themselves.
Last year my school had a Pride Day for LGBTQ+ students and other minority groups. The GSA (which I myself am apart of) spent weeks making decorations for this event. We spent time putting up these decorations just for them all to get ripped down. And the pride flag that we put up was torn down and replaced with a trump flag. This was putting all the bullying and harassment the students have been facing at our our school up front and you want to know what happened? Those students that did this shit got a 40 minute talking to about how it isn’t okay to bully ppl and they had to apologize to a few kids from the GSA. That’s it. That’s all they fucking did. This year we were denied a Pride Day because it was a “distraction”. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME? these kids got zero punishment and now they’re trying to get us to what? Shut up about it? No.
This is just one example, I have so many stories of the things that have gone on at my school and how the staff did fuck all to help. There are plenty of teachers at the school who have showed their support for us LGBTQ+ members and for them in so grateful. But the admin, the people that can do anything about it have done absolutely nothing. Even when it got physical. They didn’t step in to help.
We have seminars and days dedicated to all these websites about saying something about bullying so that people can get help. But. When we reach out and ask for the help that they preach for us to look for they do do nothing? You CANNOT tell us to ask for help and then ignore us when we ask for it. This is why the $uic!d�� rate for LGBTQ+ teens is so high. This is why we don’t ask for help.
Do better. We are screaming for help but are getting drowned to be silent because it’s easier for you to do nothing. We have been shown time and time again that we are not safe in the places where we should be. I can’t step out of my house without being made to feel unsafe and that isn’t how it should be at all.
This is why I hate America and governments in general. My rights should not be up for debate by anyone but especially people who have never gone through anything like this. My medical history and/or plans are no one’s business but my own. Who I love and choose to marry is no one’s business but my own.
Learn to shut the fuck up and let people live their lives without fear of being killed/harmed/harassed in any way.
#lgbtqia#lgbt rights#america#united states#what the fuck#lgbtq history#lgbt#transgender#trans community#trans rights#why the actual fuck is this a debate#I’m an anarchist
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what are you using to make games, all your work looks so rad, how does one even begin
Thanks for the ask :)
I use Aseprite for the main sprites (characters, tiles, menu and so on)
I use a lot of CodeManu's programs (JuiceFX and PixelFX Designer in particular) to create a lot of the "effects graphics", stuff like fire, water, jittery movement.
FL Studio 21 for the music (and a lot of publically available video game soundfonts and VSTs)
The little coding ive done has been in Gamemaker Studio 2 which i find good to use even if my coding knowledge is really poor.
Links to all of the programs are below:
Aseprite - https://www.aseprite.org/
CodeManu's itch.io page - https://codemanu.itch.io/
FL Studio - https://www.image-line.com/ (or pirate it tbh)
Gamemaker Studio 2 - https://gamemaker.io/en
Aseprite and all of CodeManu's stuff are both very cheap and pretty easy to learn, though Gamemaker and FL Studio are a lot more of a knowledge check and much pricier.
This ends the easy part of the ask.
"How do you begin" is the much much harder question to answer. For me I began doing art and music because i realized no one but myself would do it for me for free.
I have been teaching myself pixel art and writing music for like six years now and i'd say im only really getting good at them now. My advice is really just to keep trying new things, consuming art that you fucking love, and trying to put your own twist on that even if its really shitty.
I am unabashedly a Toby Fox fan, it is completely self-evident in everything I make, and I really think thats a good thing. Being inspired by shit and ripping it off in your own way is like the crux of all cool things.
There is a lot of learning involved, and nothing really comes easily, but patience is literally the biggest thing to focus on. If i were ever happy with Canon in its early stages the game would be completely unrecognizable to the state its currently in. A lot of my creative process is learning to accept that some of your old ideas are shit, and not to hold onto the bad ones. I don't know what i would call it but you almost need to train yourself to get a sense for what direction Forward even really is in terms of moving a project like this along.
But really my biggest point is just make what you fucking love and dont stop. Canon is a joke i started in tenth grade as a funny Undertale parody game that now is actually a narrative universe with like six stories being told within it.
Also keep in mind that ive never released a successful game so uhhh idk lol. This is kinda just advice on how to make a huge ass project to have fun with for the rest of your life. But I hope the rambling at least helped inspire you in some direction. Tbh just have fun with it.
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yea winter and Johnny Depp are very similar, they both take their stylings from how homeless people layer (most non-Black fashion is literally make an object pulled from the poor Black experience but pricing it where most poor Black people could never afford it, “luxury” is just anti-Black classism) and both do DARVO when someone with less power than them tries to hold them accountable.
I do not have the power to “cancel” winter in anyway so I do not understand pinning me as the violent one when I cant do anything to winter. winter and followers have “cancelled” me with the power winter has through social capital. winter and the abuse by proxy is violent. also why we acting like I called an actual proBlack person a c**n like winter has the fucking Beatles as his header like y’all acting like Im coming for Rick Owens Malcolm X when winter barely know any theory and Malcom X wouldve called winter a c**n too and Malcolm X was calling Jackie Robinson a c**n like and Malcolm X aint even the most the radical Black person from that era like 🛑 stahp (also this is a prime example how Twitter is slightly more “progressive” than Tumblr cause calling a violent Black cis man a c**n wouldnt be dragged for this long 🤣) like he couldve just taken the initial crit a while back and got over it but i bruised winter’s ego so winter continues to enable violence onto me that I cannot do onto winter or would need to cause I can fight my own battles, winter hiding behind a block and using Black MaGes he tokenizes as shields, disgusting.
this is gone too far and everyone sees all of this even if they don’t like my posts or winter’s cryptic shade he throwing at me. people see what has been happening on both sides so yea anyone enabling winter in any way at this point aint shit to me. people are afraid to be vocal about winter cause they see what is happening to me for so long. like im not the only Black person who dont fuck w winter, like goddamn. i dont wish this bullshit on any Black person who actually isnt a non-Black apologist.
the other thing, i admitted have a slightly above beginner knowledge of fashion history. I like fashion a lot more now cause I can sew but I more deep dive into theory and art. So my slightly above level fashion history I know can keep up with winter and other platformed microcelebs on here but none of come even close to me when it comes to art, craft, film, theory so again none of this shit is merit based.
people gain social capital by enacting anti-Blackness, enabling anti-Blackness indirectly or centering non-Black content/non-Black content creators. In this global anti-Black world, power can come from social capital. like if I did not need to post non-Black content to get likes to gain social capital to use to b00st Black f*nding on here, i would only post Black content. And you say, oh some blogs only post Black content. yes but the actually pro-Black ones dont have a lot of social capital to use because they are also “cancelled” for calling out the anti-Blackness on here and the radical chic/neoliberal ones or the very conservative ones are the most popular.
it is not “cool” to try to materially help Black “publicly” online and no one wants to admit that aloud, that’s why they only share Black f*nding when it won’t affect their social capital much. everyone knows if you post Black f*nding often, the algorithm fl*gs your account and brings traffic down on your account, which in turn affects your social capital. like ppl truly do not care that Black f*nding is life or death. yes a like can materially affect ppl, Black or non-Black. posting non-Black designer & non-Black art is more important than tryna materially support poor Black ppl everyday? like it’s not much labor for some of y’all to copy paste a link or text. yea Tumblr is a sea of anti-Blackness and abuse apologism.
this bs w winter could be settled easily but winter has too much hubris. the reason winter and others get more likes for posting the same thing as me is because winter and others have a lot of power for being anti-Black and a lot of anti-Black non-Black followers. I will continue to run a blog that is better than all of the ppl who hate me on here combined. 9 out of 10 ppl on Tumblr are very anti-Black.
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Sugar Punch - Chapter 33
*Warning Adult Content*
- Maddox -
Eight Years Ago
I splash cold water on my face and then raise my head to look at myself in the mirror, not recognising the person that was looking back at me anymore, this person looked pathetic and weak.
I looked like shit, again, all because of that fucking asshole throwing a bottle at my head.
Pixie was going to kick my ass once she saw my face.
There was no way I could go to the hospital and pay for this and I've learned enough to know that once the police start showing up, it'd only get worse when they leave, who knows how long I'd have to crash on friends couch this time.
Without Pixie, I really would've killed that man who calls himself my dad, long ago but because one day I want to marry that girl, I have to stay strong and stay out of prison long enough to land myself something big and get the hell out of this place.
Fighting, my whole life has been one big fight, it's in my blood and if I have it my way, it'll be the last thing I do when I die, it's all I've ever known and it's all I've ever wanted to do.
Make it big, make money for Pixie and give her the life she's always wanted, take her out on a proper date, none of this cardboard pizza shit, a real date, it's the least I could do for everything she's done to me.
Then maybe, just maybe, I could get her the help she needed and we'd be a family.
I knew it was wishful thinking, Pixie was her own woman and wouldn't let me hold her down and while she encouraged me to be free, she held a grip on me nobody else had.
Once I left my rundown house, I jog out to my backyard and climb the fence that separated my yard to Pixies, I knew she'd be home because her folks weren't here but down at the bars getting drunk with my old man.
Her house was disgusting, with food that had been left out for weeks and bottles half filled with something that definitely wasn't alcohol, as it had a strong stench coming off from it.
Today could be the day it all ended, today I could take her away from all this and finally we'd both be free.
I found Pixie in her bedroom and when I laid my eyes on her I stomped over to her and whacked away what she was holding in her hand.
"W-What?" her wide eyes land on me, then the needle on the floor. "What the fuck did you just do, you asshole."
Pixie stands up from her bed and slaps me hard across the face, with a face I've seen so many times, before her sour face turns soft and she looks at me with guilt in her eyes as she reaches out and presses her palm to my cheek.
"I-I'm sorry Maddox... I didn't mean to, I just need it to feel better, my head hurts..." she said softly to me as I moved her hand away from my face.
"You said you'd stop, you promised me Pix," I sigh, as she grabbed hold of my t-shirt, desperation in her eyes before they turn hard and serious as she looks at my face.
"What happened to your face?"
I shove her off me and step back, then I run my fingers through my damp hair.
"It's nothing, I handled it."
"As soon as I get the call, I don't have to put up with that low life anymore, I can finally get us out of here, Pixie." I said to her, as she looks at me with furrowed brows.
"What do you mean?"
What does she mean, what do I mean?
"I told you, that I was scouted and all I need to do is wait to see if they really want me, then I..."
"You'll leave me?" her voice came out cold, as I froze and looked at her face, cold and stoic.
"No." I force out, moving to kneel in front of her as she sat on the edge of her bed, holding her hands in mine.
"I'm taking you with me, just like we always dreamed about. If I get this chance, I can take you away from here, nobody will ever hurt you again, I can finally protect you and get you help." I said, pressing my lips to her knuckles.
Pixie pulled her hands back, making me look up at her in confusion, she looked down at me with a look I couldn't place, before she moved back on the bed to move past me.
I watched her as she picked up the needle on the floor that I whacked from her hands, and then she walks over to her bed to sit against the headboard, that's when she starts laughing and shaking her head, like what I said was funny somehow.
"Maddox, do you think I'll let them take you away from me?"
Her words sent chills down my spine as she began smiling at me sweetly, her bright blue eyes never leaving mine as she looks at me but not with love but something completely different.
"You go and fight... I'll never be only yours, all these bitches will take you away from me and I'm not going to let that happen," she said, deathly serious, as she dropped the needle on her bed and started crawling over to me.
"You need me," she said slowly, until her hands reached the hem of my jeans, her fingers moving to undo the buttons of my jeans.
"Stop it."
This felt different, she wasn't in her right mind.
"You need help, Pixie."
I grab her hands, stopping her from undoing my pants.
She glares up at me and then goes for my pants again, until I push her away from me, she falls back on her bed and I take a step back, breathing heavily.
"Help...? You don't... want me anymore," her eyes started to fill with tears as I felt my gut twist, as I hated to see her cry.
"I thought you wanted a baby with me but you're just going to leave me, everyone always leaves me."
What the hell was she even saying?
"You know that's not true, Pixie..."
"Fuck you, I won't let you leave me, Maddox, you don't get to leave ME," she suddenly says, getting up from her bed and grabbing the nearest object from the bedside table and throwing it at me.
"You liar," she screamed, grabbing something else and throwing at me. "Liar, liar, YOU LIAR."
I could take this much, it wasn't her first meltdown I've experienced and I knew it wouldn't be the last, so I took it all because it didn't matter what she said, I'd always...
"Y-Your dad was right, you are a fucking nobody," she laughed out, maniacally before stumbling backwards, until her back hit a wall.
My dad?
What the fuck was she doing anywhere near him?
"What are you saying?"
"He never lied to me, he said you'd leave me," she giggled, before coughing, her grin and look on her face making me feel sick.
What was she saying right now?
I couldn't listen to this when she was like this...
"You're high..." I swallowed hard. "You don't know what you're saying."
"Don't I?" she tilted her head, looking at me with those wide, beautiful blue eyes I fell in love with.
This wasn't Pixie, this was somebody else talking to me right now because the Pixie I knew wouldn't say something just to hurt me.
"Your dad... and me... I give him what he wants and I get what I want," she chuckled, hinting at the drugs and alcohol.
Shut up... don't say anything else.
"He was there for me, when you left me... and for what? For some dream that will never come true because you're nothing, you're a nobody, just like me."
"Stop it," I pleaded, my fists clenching hard as I felt every muscle in my body feel as though it was on fire.
She was just saying this to hurt me, she'd never do something like this to me, she knew who he was and what he's done to not only me but to my mom, the same very thing her parents did to her.
Pixie just needed time to get better, then things will be better, I have to believe it.
"I love you... I really love you Maddox but you're just... you don't understand how much I love you and that's your problem," her voice started shaking, as she slowly started walking closer to me until she stood directly in front of me. "I-I'm sorry alright, let's just go..."
Before she could finish her sentence, I hear my front door slam from Pixies bedroom that faced my house, which could only mean one thing and it couldn't have been more perfect timing.
He's back.
This... girl, she really thought I'd go anywhere with her now, after what she's just told me, not in confession but out of spite or jealously, I didn't care which one.
I thought she loved me but this isn't love... this is sickness.
"You fucked my dad..." I couldn't believe it, after everything I have done for her, just being near her right now made me stick to my stomach and the touch of her skin made me feel dirty.
Her face went stoic as she realized that I wasn't forgiving her this time and that I was done because I was, she had finally done something so bad that I couldn't even look at her anymore.
"After what you've done... you think I'd ever want to touch you again?" I swallow hard, my saliva like acid to my throat. "Fuck you. You... disgust me." I said, not recognising my own voice anymore, as I turned around and left her room, my chest clenching painfully with each step I took.
I felt stupid, so incredibly stupid to think that I could have it all, to have true love and my happy ever after with the person I loved most in this world, the person that made everything I lived through worth it.
"M-Maddox n-no... please..." I heard Pixie run after me, as I slam her front door shut and head back over to my half-timbered house, where I knew he would be. "Baby please don't leave... please just talk to me, we can work this out."
I had never felt such pain, loss and betrayal in my entire life, not when my mom left me here with this lowlife piece of garbage and not when he first laid his hands on me, no... this was like nothing I've felt before.
"MADDOX, PLEASE... COME BACK," I heard her voice, her fucking voice, that felt like nails inside my head.
Nothing mattered anymore, all I knew was that I wanted to kill him and I wanted him to feel what I felt, what I had been feeling all these years, while he was fucking my girlfriend behind my back.
I kicked in my front door and found him where he always sat, in his chair in front of the TV with a bottle of beer in one hand and a cigarette in the other, dressed like how he always was, with his hair slicked back with a baseball cap on.
"Boy, do you want to get smacked again? Slamming my fucking door like you own the God damn place," he said, putting hit bottle down and standing up as he bends down and reached for the baseball bat he kept by his chair. "Ha..."
Seriously... today is just the worst.
I don't let him get another word in, as I raised my fist and punched him straight in the face, knocking him back as I kept raising my fist and hitting him, over and over again, until I felt my hands go numb.
It wasn't until someone pulled me back that I saw what I had done to him, everything was a haze and the room was spinning, I could hear my heart hammering away in my ears as I looked down at my hands covered in blood.
I knew the police had shown up and they were arresting me for assault, I could hear them but the words didn't reach my ears as I stared at what I had done, my dad's face unrecognizable as his lifeless body laid still.
The last thing I see and hear before the police drag me away was Pixie, screaming at me at the top of her lungs, screaming 'liar, liar, you liar' as the police put be in the backseat of a police car, with my hands cuffed and the sound of my phone ringing in my back pocket.
As I sat in the backseat of the police car, I swore I'd never fall in love with anybody ever again because if this is what love did to you, I didn't want it, I wanted to be numb and never love anyone ever again, for as long as I live my miserable life.
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*screams in excited and also pretty damn terrified*
So. There's a Real Good Chance that I'm heading back to FL within the next month or so.
Like, finally heading home, finally within range of friends, and FINALLY in a town I Know.
Though. There is the news coming out of FL every day.
Like "desantis passes something that's essentially 'let LGBT+ people die'" or "medicaid denied for trans people" etc.
So uh. We're staying in the closet a little longer after a sudden realization that i was in a location where queer people were actually visible and this city actually has one of the biggest pride celebrations in the country (the only redeeming quality here tbh) and has been since like the 60s.
So. Be me. Visibly a little queer (sans tits, ignore them. they're the only way I'm going to be treated like a human down there allegedly). I own 2 total outfits that look even slightly feminine. Very masc. Nothing aligns with AGAB.
God help me if i need an ambulance. *is trained to adamantly deny calling one*
All i know is that if i really do get to the point where i really do finally want to get on T, we ain't doing it there.
Maybe when shit gets to the point where I'm like "aight, we moving to canada" that sounds more stable.
But AH. PEOPLE. FRIEND PEOPLE.
I mean, I'm gonna have to text a good few, run my ass over to my old job and be like "heyyyy, you know me. hire me temporarily, please.", and then finally have friends within a reasonable distance too. And work people i knew.
Also, holy fuck, i was mentioning the guy I've been talking to to my mom today during this long ass call, and she seemed actually excited to meet him?? Like what. This is new. I mean, i did give her a way to connect with him and essentially a reason to start baking again. But wow.
She actually now expects him to be around which will make it easier to just randomly have him show up, which will most definitely happen. Because yeah, these conversations and gaming together have definitely moved in a direction.
It's not just flirting, not just random sexting.
We're talking actual romantic intentions which is insane for me to even think about.
Not to mention the awkwardness of me basically being like "yeah, done calling my mom now." moments after she was like "go on now, go talk to your boyfriend" with me reeling to that word, not thinking she had even said it because i Did Not introduce him as such.
and then him immediately following up with that his mom did the same thing a couple months ago.
And then neither of us even denying it at this point.
And then him telling me exactly what his mom said a little later on. Because apparently he was just like "yeah, I reconnected with somebody from high school after a long time, just been texting back and forth." and essentially dumbed the conversation down to his mom immediately saying: "marry her" only to have her point fully beaten in there by his initial reaction.
This is fucking hilarious to me now, but like a few months ago, i would've just backed away a little bit. But for the first time ever, apparently there's that weird level of parental approval which i have never experienced before.
So that's a thing.
Probably going to suddenly be an actual relationship once I have him around physically.
Ntm with earlier topic, a straight passing relationship. Adds a small barrier for just in case reasons. Hate that i even think that i need that, but you know. Fuckin FL. The land of Disney and hating anybody nonconforming.
#taks speaks#anyways i'm going to go back to vibrating and chatting with that one guy#anyway i hate my home state but i love the range i will have to my people#i want my people back AND I'M COMING BACK
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ALL OF THEM FOR CAYDE. im just kidding 2,4,and 12
NO takesy backsies. UwU
1: Who makes up your family? How close are you to them?
Cayde grunts as he crosses his arms with a frown on his face. "My sister used to be. She doesn't want to anymore. But I can help with that. I'll show her that we can be as close as before in Nightmare."
2: Who is your best friend? Tell us about them!
He laughs with a chilling grin on his face. "Nobody. I don't need anybody."
3: What is your favourite childhood memory?
You can hear him scoff as he looks to the side. "Nothing. Next."
4: What is your least favourite childhood memory?
He glares at you with a frown yet again. "First of all, I wasn't a child. And second, it has to do with the inquest. do NOT pry any further if you want to live."
5: What is your favourite thing to do in your free time?
This question makes him smirk and he leans forward, closer to you "Murder. After a long long torture session. Slow and painful. Preferably very bloody too."
6: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to do?
He leans back huffing "Not murdering you for these stupid questions. Next."
7: Who do you look up to?
A hint of adoration appears in his eyes "Grand Duchess Faolain. She saved me, she showed me the truth. She's amazing."
8: What do you think had the biggest impact on you growing up?
He clenches his fist in his lap as if reminding himself not to do something he might regret. "I am a sylvari. I did not grow up. So again, nothing."
(it was definitely the inquest experiments)
9: Are you a spiritual person? If yes, what do you practice?
Cayde raises his eyes, looking right into yours "Spiri... DO I fucking look like? I'm a Duke of the Nightmare Court! I don't need stupid shit like spirituality." (that's a big word for him)
10: Where were you born? Where did you grow up? Where do you live now?
Sharply inhaling through his nose and leg starting to bounce as he leans back on his seat. "Born in the grove, obviously, still didn't grow up, and I live in the twilight arbour, in my own court."
11: What is your favourite type of media (TV, movie, books, etc)? Name some specific favourites (which shows, movies, books, etc do you like)!
"I do not care for shit like that, next question"
12: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would it be? (on vacation or permanently!)
He stops bouncing his leg and looks at you like you asked the most stupid question yet. "Nowhere. Where else would I want to go? I'm perfectly fine here."
13: You’re given an unlimited budget to build anything you want! What do you build and where do you build it?
He shrugs. "Guess I'd expand the Arbor."
14: What are your favourite music genres?
Cayde sighs rubbing his face. "I guess Metal Legion is fine. Next." (he's...he really doesn't care much about anything but murder and Faolain, I'm sorry.)
15: Do you play any instruments? Which ones? How long have you been playing?
"No. Next."
16: Describe your perfect day.
Cayde leans forward again with a smirk. "It starts with me waking up and going to the cells, having some silly saplings to torture then I have Luce do the annoying tasks for me so I can go to those same saplings again for some fun time and then I visit the Grand Duchess and we have some fun times and then I wind up with killing those annoying little dreamers."
17: What makes you laugh?
"The cries and screams of my victims"
18: What’s the best way to cheer you up?
"Leaving me the fuck alone to do shit I enjoy."
19: What makes you sad?
"Having to behave and answer stupid questions because the Grand Duchess asked me to..." (she didn't but Luce was nice enough to lie for you. You are welcome.)
20: Describe your biggest pet peeve.
He grunts and rolls his eyes. "Annoying people in my neck trying to control me" (he means Lusus not Faolain)
21: Describe your ideal partner.
Once again a smirk appears on his face "Why, you're interested? Sorry, I'm not sure you could deal with me. And you're not my type."
22: What’s the easiest way to flirt with you?
"Flirt? You wanna fuck say so."
23: Have you ever had a crush on someone? Do you have a crush now?
"No. And I won't have" (Yes, Faolain. he still do)
24: What would you consider your main love language?
He tilts his head at you. "What the fuck is that? Like it has a language? I only speak Tyrian."
25: Freebie! Come up with your own question for the character to answer! What is your opinion on Lusus?
He hums, actually thinking about the answer for once before speaking. "He's annoying. Much more annoying than a tool should be. But he does get the boring job done so I don't complain much...It's also fucking confusing that he sounds and looks like a girl but he's pissing if I call him one."
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FEMA Needs One More Form…Just One More
FEMA has decided that I am obligated to convince a hotel employee to provide verification of my stay at their hotel, to FEMA. If I can’t do so, then FEMA will not provide financial assistance to myself and Linda. I have tried to convince the manager of Red Roof Plus to show me the courtesy of assisting me but he will not even talk to me. I made the request of him after I rented a room and spent over $8K.
Months ago, I was told by a FEMA representative that FEMA would not assist financially as long as we were in a hotel. Later, FEMA changed this stance to FEMA would indeed help but I must upload invoices and FEMA would call the hotels to verify our stay. Now, recently, again a FEMA representative has given me another update on a new rule: I must now convince a Red Roof Inn and a Red Roof Plus manger to serve as an additional step in FEMA’s verification process and that the hotel manager must show dates, invoices and write a statement on a company letter head and sign it to the effect that I rented by the week.
I was not given this information before I rented, only after months in hotels and bills that accrued to about $8K. The hotel management is under no obligation of any kind, legal or otherwise, to assist me with this verification, and they did refuse to do so.
I wish FEMA had explained clearly and exactly what they wanted from me at the outset. I would have then asked the hotel manager about verification before renting from him. I would have subsequently felt a great confidence in moving forward rather than faltering and finding nothing as Linda and I have done.
During this disaster, I have spoken to many FEMA representatives. Some are helpful, some are not, some are knowledgeable and some not so much. There is contradiction between them. Asking a hotel manager to sign a document that involves me receiving money causes me some concern. A lot of people charge fees for such acts or they wonder why one party doesn’t trust the other and needs the help of a stranger.
FEMA is wavering on awarding us financial assistance and has done so for a while. I don’t think FEMA doubts the veracity of the records I have provided but I believe a casual observer definitely would suspect the otherwise just by FEMA’s inconsistent behavior. Too, I feel that FEMA’s interest in us is solely pretense. They have never had any inclination whatsoever to help us: too many changes in what’s required and too much of a delay: it’s just taken an excessive amount of time. Linda literally has almost died twice. If I avoid homelessness, it will not be because FEMA helped.
So, I feel the only action available to me now is to follow through and get the documents from Red Roof Inn and Red Roof Plus verifying what I sent FEMA is true and accurate. And the only way I can do that, since the manager refuses to assist me is to sue Red Roof Inn and Red Roof Plus and by that process obtain records subpoenaed by the court.
Can I sue? Certainly, I can sue. Both hotels are old, filthy, dilapidated, electrical and plumbing beginning to fail, wood framed floors warping causing the disabled persons’ walkers to roll off on their own, smokers allowed to smoke in violation of the property insurance, prostitutes allowed to walk the halls evenings by management and desk clerks encouraged to over price rooms by the manager.
Can one sue the Red Roof Inn?
Only if shit stinks.
M H O’Neal
PO Box 65
Riverview, FL
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HIIII i’m back <3 kinda, just have one more exam and i’m done hh i can’t wait to take a break from living the exam season’s special ultra hermit life
AHHH i love looking for alaska sm ?? one of the best books i’ve ever read gosh and turtles all the way down was so raw and personal it took me sooo manyyy business days to recover from that one. AND YESS dystopian is one of the lomls
OML YOU’RE GETTING INTO EXO yes they are just good, hard to skip, literally run on -34853 braincells etc etc. love them sm. ahjfg i literally check out baekhyun screaming compilations on youtube i’m SO not normal ab them. check this one out it hhh and this playboy is like one of those songs for me so that video made me go *SCREAMMMMMMMS INTO PILLOWW*
your bias is baekhyun and chanyeol AHHH 2/3 of the beagle line alr they’re not even the maknaes or anything but they’re so chaotic. literally every reality show they’ve been in so far is just them doing their thing and suho trying to get shit under control. OML AND SEHUN ?? is that a thing for aries men pattern i see lmao man is so sassy, has like the most iconic lines to rap andd is so memeable (NOT EVEN KIDDING HIS MEMES ARE USED SM IN KPOP FANDOMS)
also check out exo next door !! i saw it back when i was trying to get to know them better and it kinda helped bc IT’S LEGIT A KDRAMA WITH THEM BEING EXO. there’s like no plot and it’s just brainless romance w chanyeol as ml, kyungsoo as second ml and moon ga young as fl (typical love triangle no surprises kk) but it’s funny and i think you need to know ab this hehe (baekhyun on top sehun in the bottom and ykw that’s the got to be the weirdest thing i’ve typed out BYE)
YKJDF kyungsoo is funny when he’s not being a violent little dude 😭😭 so attractive tho. he’s the loml. period.
NAURR you missed prom ahh pandemic era was so bad. literally the worst. fun fact: my batch missed a v important set of final exams bc of covid jj but i’ll be writing it this year (2023) so it’s not like i’m missing anything 🤧 oh new uni?? IN A NEW PLACE AHHH i’m so proud of you bar <3 moving to a new place for uni sounds so hard i hope you settle down soon. AGHHHHHH i’m of 0 help when it comes to social interactions 😭😭 but !! i can listen.
no bc one of the first few thoughts that entered my brain after watching the yangynag cover was hjhk idt he knows how to play it tho lmao it’s like how ncit and that nct coding crew thing happened but they idt they actually code kfjg
also thoughts on 2 baddies NGL I FIND THE NAME 2 BADDIES HILARIOUS FOR SM REASON LIKE 2?? BADDIES?? REALLY ?? catchy song tho i haven’t checked the album yet hh
DONT GET ME STARTED ON THE DREAM CONCERT LIKE ID NEED AN AMBULANCE IF THEY DID SHIT LIKE THAT WATCHING ON A DUCKING SCREEN MADE ME GO KJFDGHDJKDFGH IMAGINE WATCHING IT LIVE OKAY THIS JUST FUELLED THE URGE TO SEE THEM LIVE I WANNA SEE THEM LIVE SO BAD AND DEAR DREAM :(((
andjenonyfwjusthappenedkfj “our jeno baby went to new york totally naked” so true jaemin (not complaining tho)
ily too stay safe <33 gosh i hope the move wasn’t too hard <3 just so you know i'm here if you need to vent
hello!!! im so sorry for replying late but i was at uni very very drained of all time and energy :( and when i finally opened this and went to answer, tumblr decided to crash when i was ending my answer so i lost all of it and it was very late in the evening and i had driving class the next morning so i just went to sleep DKFJAL hope you dont mind! also im hoping exam season is officially over for you and that you get to rest!!!!!
HELL YEAH IM GETTING INTO EXO (well, as much as i can w my schedule rn hahaha) I WATCHED BOTH OF THESE VIDEOS AND WHY DO I KNOW PLAYBOY? I KNOW MORE EXO SONGS THAN I THOUGHT I DID LMAO also baek screaming is a big fat mood i am like that too. him and chanyeol are so chaotic i lowkey think thats why i love them so much they just own my heart with their chaos <33 A THING FOR ARIES MEN IM SCREECHING to be honest i actually have a thing for fire and air signs in general (mainly leos, sagittariuses, aquariuses and geminis lmaoo) and none of my biases are earth/water signs if i dont count baek, ningning and beomgyu LOL but SEHUN IS SO MEMORABLE and i love his raps. i listened to the exo-sc album when it came out and its stuck in my head 24/7 and for some reason every time im driving, 1 billion views always gets stuck in my head LMAO
ill make sure to check out exo next door when i have the time and energy!! also the screenshot is so random WHY DID YOU THINK OF SENDING ME THIS DFJKDAL NOT SAYING I HATE IT BC I DONT BUT WHAT EVEN IS THAT AND WHY ARE THEY LIKE THAT DKFA
yes i missed prom but it was actually a good thing bc i hated my class lmaoooo. also yea! i moved last sunday,,, cried for three days straight and then when i came home yesterday i cried again. uni is so hard and im so lost and lonely and homesick and i hate everything about it. i wish i could come back home but,, i just gotta battle through it for the next approx. 3-5 years :DD
YANGYANG FOR SURE DOESNT KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GUITAR HE LEGIT WASNT EVEN PRESSING DOWN THE STRINGS. INAAWSIA YY CANT RELATE...... /j also the ncit coding thing was so wild for me for some reason bc you could SEE that they dk what theyre doing. the only person that could have some clue was jungwoo but....i doubt it LMAO but also hyuck in those concept photos...............still thinking abt him tied up in those cords on the floor w that bloody lollipop in his mouth im-
2 baddies is the catchiest song there exists the title makes me crack the fuck up its so funny DJFKLA i love it tho!!!!! havent checked out the whole album yet but designer's been on repeat its so good!!!! if you listened already, tell me your faves and ill make sure to get to it soon so we can talk abt it :pp
THE DREAM CONCERT AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA RENJUN IN THAT GLASS BOX? HYUCK? DEATH. I WANNA SEE THEM LIVE SO BAD AS WELL BUT >:( *cries in broke european*
also jaemin sending that message on bubble im crying TT he really clowned him for looking so good !!
the move indeed was harder than i expected. going back tomorrow (i come home every weekend:p) and i hate the thought already. its been...a wild ride but im going to a party on tuesday so i hope to make some friends or just to generally have some fun haha
i love you, hope life is gentle to you! be safe, stay healthy, have fun!! thanks for sending this and make sure to tell me how you are and whats new when you have time! xx
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the birth of harry
alternate title: the key to harry’s universe is water
There are many recurring themes and images Harry likes to use in his music and art in general. Communication with a lover/the self, rooms of the house, or even fruit names. One of the most persistent constants he's used, though, is water. For the visuals to accompany his art as well as in the lyrics themselves and one might argue the music sometimes even tries to sound like water.
What first sent me into the deep end about this subject matter is unknown to me - the mermaid tattoo, the adore you or falling mv, the snl harriel pics etc etc etc - I just currently find myself entirely submerged and will never get out this is where I belong I'm part of this world and you can hear me rant about it here !
Something definitely triggered me when the lovely lovely master of putting beautifully painful emotions into words @laurelier posted her two ghosts/falling piece of glory. I highly recommend you read that + the little rant on the side we had about what it could mean in relation to She.
I thought I made a fucking moodboard based on my own heart’s desires when I connected Harry as a pin-up doll on stage in philly to a mermaid thus to Ariel having to sing a concert from a shell for me to then land on Boticelli’s Venus floating on a shell over the ocean and imagining Harry as that. Simple. But THEN discourse escalated when @dyingstars-x caused me to remember that Harry literally already used open shells like that during a performance of Falling (screams) AND SEVEN THEN UPPED THE ANTE AND SLAMMED HARRY’S NUDE IN MY FACE CLAIMING IT AS THE BIRTH OF VENUS AND——
just a reminder that this was caused by the philly look. and then he fucking went and did this yesterday
so here’s the order of business:
water in harry's art: an (attempt of an) entire overview bc why not
the fine line nude as a birth of venus ft more mindmaps
water, mermaids and the birth of venus: an explosion of meaning
just a quick disclaimer: this is all shit from my brain! 1) it is nothing harry has confirmed. 2) what’s especially important is that your own interpretations of his art is what you should hold dear, and read this for what it is: some internet voice letting their opinion echo around the harrysphere. what all of it means to you might be very different than what it means to me, and that never ever means it’s wrong. <3 okay let’s go
WATER
Since HS1 water has been everywhere. The cover of the album is Harry in pink water, drenched, and seen from above like you’re bathing him like a baby, washing his hair by scooping water up and pouring it over him.
The water for hs1 is dirty, like bathwater that contains everything that has been washed off. There’s trash, old forgotten items, flower petals. We can assume Harry is naked but we can’t tell bc the water isn’t transparent enough.
I always feel like HS1 is an album near and dear to Harry, but a work of art that represents his puberty, almost. His coming of age, figuring shit out, especially deep-rooted sadness that he did not have the tools for to properly understand yet. There are subjects that are clearly echoed in Fine Line, even flipped on their head, but if HS1 tried to convey the sadness trapped in Harry’s heart, Fine Line ripped it out and laid it bare. During HS1 Harry was still in a dark hallway finding his way through the maze of his self, while for Fine Line the lights have been turned on. He knows the maze a little better by now. during hs1 harry was still in the water while now he has emerged
The clearest water-related images in HS1 are in the lyrics of Two Ghosts, Ever Since New York and the music video for Sign of the Times.
In terms of two ghosts/esny I will first and foremost quote miss @bluewinnerangel :
my own interpretation of this line also still holds imo (although my analysis of the rest of the song is a bit too superficial to my liking and will most probably be rewritten by me at some point)
The music video for Sign of the Times has so much to unpack (i think??) that I (or anyone) should dedicate a separate post for it, but: water. Soaring over the sea, really fucking high. Is it a metaphor for passing away? For Harry being a ghost? For wanting to escape? To fly away? bc i always interpret this song as. trying to get away in the most extreme form yk.
The sea, to me, is there as an image of a vast sense of calm. An endless horizon, the unknown, possibilities, escape. The edge of the world.
The mv for Two Ghosts that was never released which is a good thing bc i don’t know if we could’ve survived that. It features Harry walking through rivers and lakes of what does seem to be water, but is rainbow-colored and almost oily (oil paint?). Harry floating on water then brings us closer to Fine Line and his relation to water now.
(stills and gif made from this video)
It’s since Fine Line, though, that water has started to represent so much more. Now he’s also generally doused in it, soaking wet, or submerged entirely.
The Lights Up music video was the debut of his sophomore album and a clear statement of intent with what the album was to achieve. The clip has such heavy imagery of sadness and desperation in water, a haunting but exhilarating juxtaposition with the ecstasy and freedom of the scenes where there is dancing or speeding off on the back of a motorcycle. i guess that really is what life is isn’t it
Needless to say that in Adore You water also plays a big role. It’s a force that brings people together, like the neighbors who get married thanks to a message in a bottle. The ocean dictates life on the island. For the peculiar boy, it was going to be his (final) escape. The waves then threw the rainbow fish at him and reset his life entirely. In the end, the ocean is his door to happiness. The very same waves that he wanted to take him under eventually aid him in his pursuit of love.
harry you can’t just show me this virginia wolf-ass imagery and expect me to be okay
Falling…. falling. Mermaid shirt. Submerged. Drowning. Giving in to the rising water. Survives, panting.
Golden: happiness, escape in the water.
escape - solace - sadness - confrontation with/erasure of self - happiness
THE LONE NUDE
THE FLOWERS
pink flowers in the right bottom corner (i have close to no knowledge about flowers so pls don't shoot me if i get it wrong and by all means get back to me if you have additions/corrections)
first off: pink flowers are a "symbol of femininity, love, adoration and admiration"
pink lily:
symbolic of a confidence boost for people struggling with self-esteem issues
connected to more feminine, caring characteristics
black calla lily:
symbolises elegance, beauty and mystery
associated with lust and jealousy
purity, faithfulness and holiness. "The flower is often depicted in images of the Virgin Mary. For millions of Christians all over the world, calla lilies are a symbol of rebirth and resurrection"
black hellebore?
"Traditional Medicinal Uses: used in minute doses for mental and emotional disorders. The ancient Greeks used it as a cure for insanity. It has been used as a purgative for mental illness"
poppies (???)
"Chinese and Japanese flower experts recommend the Poppy for couples because it means a deep and passionate love between two people"
Red – death, remembrance, consolation (West) <-> success and love (East)
Purple, Pink, Blue – imagination, luxury, success
THE HEART
pink and blue ! 🏳️⚧️
hollow like an empty shell *coughcoughcoughchokesanddies*
EARLY DRAFT/ORIGINAL IDEA by set designer: WOMB. I REPEAT: WOMB!!!!!!! THEY WERE LITERALLY ABOUT TO PUT ACTUAL HARRY IN A WOMB IN THE FUCKING FINE LINE BOOKLET I AM NOT SC R EAM I N G
other images of fl shoot: growth, regrowth - will be discussed further below
HARRY
half-in, half-out, as if he crawled or fell out of it
naked, like at birth
legs crossed casually, one arm covering his groin, the other spread out wide: hand covering parallel with paintings/sculptures of Venus !!
looking straight at the camera: parallel with paintings of Venus !!!
paintings of Venus, esp. Manet’s: depiction of woman who is proud of her body and looks, no shame (interesting: Olympia as a prostitute Venus)
on the floor, lying down vs standing up (- Jesus (h’s upper body reminds me of imagery of jesus at the cross and yk that kid also did a lil resurrection thingy))
self-esteem - femininity - love - pride - confrontation - success - rebirth
TIE IT ALL TOGETHER
“I’m so attached to the idea that there’s a connection between H being in the water and existing as a fuller, queerer self, a more loving self. Being connected to the best of himself, all of that human goodness, even if it’s painful, even if he feels like he’s drowning, even if he sometimes feels like he literally can’t do it; almost like the water represents him learning to live and breathe in a different way, turn into a creature who can survive” underwater @laurelier
There is a reason for all of this, for this mess of a post with arrows and more question marks than periods. There is a reason why I, among others, get emotional thinking about Harry as a mermaid.
First of all, there’s the importance of Harry’s mermaid tattoo. A symbol for trans identities, especially with the link to a desire to shape-shift, change bodies, or even have no (obvious) genitals. (see mermaidsgender on instagram) Freedom in the water. Harry’s had it for a long time now, so these thoughts may have been with him since the 1d days, despite him not being able to clearly express it all back then.
“In 2014, Harry revealed his mermaid tattoo was a reference to himself. This was when he first got the tattoo and everyone found it bizarre and couldn’t understand why. Which is a tattoo of a mermaid whose vagina is pointedly visible, making her more woman than fish! But she’s still both!” @bottomharrykingdom
He uses water in almost all of his imagery, because in water is where his emotions, his buried personal struggles are. The water is where, especially, he has his dialogue with gender. He wants to bathe in it, swim deep in order to figure it out. Sometimes that brings him joy, pleasure, relief, and other times he gets suffocated.
The water in all of his FL music videos represents a part of this dialogue. In Lights Up, he is mostly searching. In Adore You, he’s ready to end the dialogue entirely, but finds hope and new ways to engage with it. In Golden, he’s at ease, at peace, because he knows he is loved and is in love. In Falling, he finally dives deep, voicing his struggles so loudly that he nearly drowns.
And this isn’t just in his music videos and art, it’s simply how he functions:
“when he and the band finished recording in Jamaica, he ended up drunk and wet from the ocean, toasting everybody, wearing a dress he’d traded with someone’s girlfriend. “I don’t remember the toast,” he says, “but I remember the feeling.” - Rolling Stone (2017) watch out or i’ll cry about this quote every single fucking time
he seeks relief and comfort in the water, a symbol for everything he’s trying to figure out, a symbol for being closer to the answers.
He can’t keep going under, though. He can’t live under the sea among the fish, no matter how badly he wants that. He has to live on land.
He had to emerge from the water. He had to become his own version of Venus, born from the water, emerged onto the sand. (vs for hs1 where he’s still in the water, soaking. wallowing)
Harry has shown us the imagery of mermaids, Venus, rebirth since Fine Line started. In the booklet we see him growing along with enormous plants that were originally sketched to be roots among which he’d be half-buried. The lone nude was originally designed to be a womb. A womb. That cradled Harry. Instead they chose for a hollow heart that Harry seems to have fallen out of. Because it makes the meaning of the rebirth less obvious? Because he’s been reborn thanks to a broken heart? Because he’s had to carve his heart out to get where he is now? Because he doesn’t have a womb and all that’s born from him comes from his heart? like this whole entire bit is so huge to me i hope it is to you, reading this, too
Harry’s pose echoes that of images made of Venus all throughout history. He’s aligning himself with the goddess of ���love, beauty, desire, sex, fertility, prosperity, and victory.” The bold eye contact with the viewer. Look at me. Really, take a good look, I dare you. Or perhaps just: this is me. Nothing more, nothing less, and I will never be ashamed (again).
I think the most important part to remember about Harry using this imagery is Venus’s birth from the sea linked to his use of water to process emotions, especially linked to his gender. He chose the image of a rebirth from the water because he is a mermaid ready to live on land as Venus. He chose for these symbols of femininity (the pink flowers), these echoes of women, goddesses (or even mermaids) in art, because they represent this new person he’s become. Or the person he’s always been, but has finally been peeled bare.
Like Venus, his birth is as a grown person, never perfect (thank the romans for imagining their gods as flawed beings), but whole. And this album represents that process, tells that story.
If we look at the story the music videos tell, alongside the album, we can assume Harry’s found a way to feel good in his skin by diving so deep into his self that he could emerge from it as a new person, someone who has shed issues or has embraced them, turned them into something positive.
intermezzo of harry looking beautifully queer
Look. I’m going to give you (even more of) an (unasked for) insight in my mind on this to drive my point home just a little more.
Fine Line, the song. The final track. The sounds of it. Listen.
We’re submerged, we’re dreaming, we’re floating. The opening notes of voices singing sounds like something you could hear underwater. The instruments sound distant. Harry’s voice echoes, ethereal. I’m thinking of the mermaid song in harry potter and the goblet of fire here as well as sound effects in the little mermaid stay with me on this pls. The piano (yk from 2:15) must be the one they used for falling bc it sounds submerged. Every note sounds like a drop of water in an echoing cave.
We’ll be a fine line. The song starts to pick up. Harry’s voice starts to sound closer, clearer. The guitars are livelier. We’re rising up from the water. Strings play bc it really is fucking emotional.
But then. Drums. Our pace picks up, we’re leaving the sadness, the struggles, the doubts, the comfort zone behind. The trumpets start to blow because it’s a fucking victory of ours, getting out of that water. Harry sighs: we’ll be alright. We’ll be alright.
And then he lets it out. WE’LL BE ALRIGHT.
We’re running. Dancing. Maybe just panting. Dazed. Smiling, laughing. Exclaiming in relief. Cymbals clash. A choir of muses sings our story.
Some last drops of water fall from us onto the sand.
There is a lot of pain in this journey, in Harry’s art. A lot of shit he’s dealt and is still dealing with. Who knows what his future work might even bring upon us. Fine Line, however, has told us the story of someone who has learned to accept, come to terms with who they are. Who stands victorious and proud. Who has redefined himself for himself. Who celebrates himself.
His focus, clearly, lies where his freedom is. It’s been his focus all throughout FL promo, his latest speeches during hslot underlining it even more. Even in the most recent press statement he gave, to New Yorker in an article about Harris Reed, he stated:
“To wear Harris’s clothes is to be having fun,” Styles told me, in an e-mail. “Every frill is there to be played with, and an overwhelming sense of freedom shall rain down upon you.”
For Harry, to experiment with gender, wear androgynous clothing, be androgynous/gender-non-conforming/genderfluid/to not be put in a box is to be free. And he had/has to struggle hard to work that out, but he made it. He killed off an old version of himself to emerge sparkly new, gleaming with pride. He knows who he is, now.
and if he sometimes needs to go back to the water, for solace, comfort, or to simply escape, then that’s part of the journey. and i know we’ll always be proud.
i had to
now i’m gonna go cry a bit and hopefully sleep a lot and especially listen to this playlist i’ve had for a while now, adequately called mermaid comfort. you’re welcome to join me if you’d like. thank you so much for reading, for coming on this bender with me............ by all means, dump your thoughts onto me (please) and this gif by @kiwikiwiandkiwi of harry last night pretty much sums it all up for me rn
#my posts#birth of harry#alright. yeah#okay#mhmmmmm#i am tired and out of my mind#this post has robbed me of sleep for two nights now and it's done it's done i can't leave it in my drafts for another second#this subject matter is so near and dear to me like. i get choked up even thinking about it a bit too clearly#this......... entire thing was an important journey for me to understand harry even better#or to tie together a lot of interpretations into one big whole and make it all click for me#i'm so happy there are ppl here going equally crazy about harry as a mermaid#anything harry and gender#just. the way fl has helped me with my own shit............#could never explain it and do it justice#right. publish ella publish it's done it is done#our mermaid
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