#justin on the 'give griffin a gun' train
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during my latest relisten of taz balance, i recorded every line i found even the slightest bit funny with zero context, not even who said it (though some are pretty obvious). here’s all my favorites!!
“i’m probably studying.. my cantrips”
“just say mastrubating, dad”
“don’t come in mom i’m studying my canteips!!”
.
“yeah you’ll do any dumb shit”
.
“it’s like a bag of holding! but for.. ass.”
.
“do we know how much damage we did to him?”
“six damage, you said it out loud with your mouth.”
.
“it should be in the player’s handbook! get your salty snack to enjoy while you play dnd”
.
“my grandpa says it’s rude to whisper. especially on a train!”
.
“i’m not going to go toe to toe with a crab while youre armed with a terrible scottish accent and travis doesn’t even have his sheild. i’m out! … did i say travis? i mean leman kessler.”
“nope! that was wrong all the way around.”
.
“i’m cosplaying taako right now, as a stupid man.”
.
“who’s just rolling dice? who is doing secret checks that i don’t know about?”
.
“i always waste my 20’s on perception checks. like i give a shit.”
.
“it’s completely conceivable he would have a name tag.”
“IN A GANG?”
.
“like a pelt??? like a bramble*pelt*?????”
.
“is there a math check? what are you talking about?”
“yeah it’s your fucking brain. you use your brain to add numbers together”
“16”
“what are you fucking doing??”
.
“griffin i love you youre my brother. but if my skill called history doesn’t literally help me with history trivia questions in a category called history what are we FUCKING doing here??”
.
“can i ask you a question? are you guys mean to everyone?”
.
“fus-ro-over dere”
.
“that one was actually a badass bernie sanders”
.
“hey thug! what’s your name? i’m about to tentacle your dick.”
.
“a d6 is like some dice ass dice. that’s some monopoly shit.”
.
“i thought you were saying merle, it’s his bread and his body, take 2d6 healing points”
.
“you two remind me of something… you remind me of the babe! and then i throw the glass sphere at them.”
.
“make a constitution saving throw to see if you can eat this fucking rock with your mouth.”
.
“dungeons and dragons is a. great game.”
.
“my name is magnus burnsides”
“marchins burchens”
.
“magnus would not say that. however, travis would.”
.
“can we please not talk about chekhov’s bush?”
.
“we’ve got a ball, a sack, and a tool!”
“everything is gross here in dnd.”
.
“only losers smoke, isaac.”
“i give isaac an hour long lecture about the dangers of smoking.”
.
“i’m just gonna put my mouth down there and go buck wild”
.
“there’s a lot of go cart tracks called the adventure zone and i’ve been working with my lawyer to shut them all down forever”
.
“does taako fish?”
“yeah taako fishes.”
.
“a rock hard-“
*justin, clint, and travis laugh*
“come ON, *really*?”
.
“taako rushes in!”
“what! magnus follows him.”
“merle’s good out here!”
“WHAT is going on?”
.
“how do you not have a d6 it comes with every board game”
“my daughter-“
“eats them for power???”
.
“uhhh how much health do you have.”
“im not gonna tell you.”
.
“let’s see… i am going to hurt jenkins. with a magical spell.”
.
“this is about to become the taako show starring taako.”
.
“BLUFF FUCKING BLUFF O’CLOCK?? WHAT IS THIS, HALF PAST PERSUASION TIME??”
.
“i’m not laughing in game” *justin fucking loses it*
.
“she’s the best at burning shit ever.”
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“traaav griffin got to do his show for so long and now he’s gonna destroy yours.”
.
“fucking lup finds like. a gun.”
.
“for sure, keep it sleazy. we’re out, bye!”
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“i have to believe…. i’m gonna get those fifteen dollars back from greg fucking grimaldis”
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“based on the rules of the game, dad… you die.”
.
“dad’s making a jerk off motion at me”
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“don’t play the pennywise card like you ALWAYS try to”
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“should i talk slower so that everybody who has been complaining about us not playing dnd has time to nut?”
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“i am a wizard. my name is taako. and i am pretty well fucked.”
.
“yeah i’ve got cumin who do you think i am?”
.
“hear that, babe? we’re *legends*”
.
“i’m clint mcelroy and i played merle hightower-“
“nope”
#i actually have a ton more#taz balance#taz balance spoilers#kinda#the adventure zone balance#mcelroys#taz#the adventure zone#mcelroy brothers#taako taaco#merle highchurch#magnus burnsides
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thank you justin for this rt
#justin mcelroy#mcelroys#mbmbam#justin on the 'give griffin a gun' train#.text#griffin mcelroy#1k#5k#10k#25k
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This is every time I could find that any of the boys said they died. Sorry if the audio isn’t the greatest, I had to compress it.
Transcript under the cut because it is very long
[Audio Description: A supercut of every time the Tres Horny Boys and the McElroys say they die, whether in a goof or for real, in The Adventure Zone
Griffin: Maybe the three of you will die, I don’t know
Travis: It kills you!
Griffin: It kills you, you die
Taako: I’m dying. [Laughter, all but Justin]
Taako: I’m literally dead.
Griffin: She kills you instantly. No.
Magnus: He’s going to kill us!
Director: He’s going to murder the three of you. [chuckling]
Director: Thank you for your service, goodbye.
Travis:��Magnus’ neck breaks and he dies.
Griffin: Oh, a minus one. Then you die. [laughter] God, Travis, if only you— in trying to discern his fanciness, your nose just starts bleeding, and you fall over and—
Clint: You’re fancied to death.
Griffin: The train de-rails, and everyone on board dies. Three ghosts appear and strangle all three of you to death.
Travis: [providing sound effects, makes a “ka-chunk” noise and breathy exhale]
Griffin: [laughing] …And it depressurizes and you die, I guess?
Justin: I die. I die in fiction.
Griffin: [exhausted inhale] And, I’m dead.
Clint: Uhm… Uh, let’s see. You said 21? I’m, uh, 2 points dead.
Justin: Oh, I’m negative 5, baby. I’m dead as disco.
Griffin: Uh, the three of you walk into, uh, this room singing, uh, showtunes, uh, and everyone inside this building looks at you and kills you. No.
Justin: If you don’t use a character voice, you lose a hit point.
Travis: [laughs]
Clint: Okay.
Travis: You die.
Griffin: You run up, tear the box open and it explodes, you die.
Griffin: Okay. Yeah, this needle, first of all, passes through your suit-
Travis: And you die!
Griffin: It digests it and shits it out. And the shitty axe comes out and kills you.
Travis: Merle's dead. He bled out.
Clint: I'm dead, right?
Griffin: And— he died between episodes.
Griffin: And you are launched out of the cannon, and, yeah, it’s been a while since you’ve done this.
Travis: And he forgot to open the door.
Griffin: And you die and that’s the end of The Adventure Zone
Griffin: The clock tower snaps at its midsection as it chimes its twelfth chime, and it falls over into that large two-story manor at the end of the street with a loud crash. And the ground, as quickly as it expanded, it just falls out beneath your feet. And you’re falling. And you’re burning. And you’re being crushed by the shattered earth as it compresses down into the ground. And you hear an anguished scream come from something massive and furious, and all three of you have died.
Justin: I pull out a gun and shoot the two of them and shoot myself.
[Riotous laughter]
Clint: [Sing-song] Reboot!
Justin: Starting again.
Griffin: and then just like that, the ground compresses. And it pulls you down in with it, killing you, Magnus, and killing you, Taako, pretty quickly. Merle, you are also subject to this catastrophe, although right before it happens, those rocks— before Cassidy can do whatever she was doing to them, they get blasted out by a wave of force, like buckshot from a shotgun as the ground pulls you under. You are burned. And you are crushed. And you are dead.
Griffin: You pull on the lever to this locker and all three of you hear a horrible sound that lasts, like, a split second. And the sound is like, [explosion noise] and it was actually the sound of this room more or less exploding.
Griffin: And all three of you have died.
Travis: I’m gonna open E next.
Griffin: Boom! The room explodes.
Justin: Can we just stroll on through?
Griffin: Yeah, sure.
Justin: Okay.
Griffin: It explodes and you die. No, I’m just kidding. I’m just kidding.
Clint: I take the meat and the ice.
Justin: Thank god.
Travis: It explodes!
Griffin: Because all three of you are almost instantly devoured by something as soon as you leave the light.
Griffin: I mean canonically, Magnus did say it, so you do have a trip to heaven
Travis: I cut the black wire.
Griffin: [Singing] To heaven we’re going on a trip together
Travis: I use Railsplitter to cut all five wires at once. [Clint laughs]
Griffin: [Giggling] You’re in heaven.
Griffin: All of you hold hands as both the flame and the purple worm burst through the bubble. The forcefield ultimately giving up the ghost and the room is flooded with fire and you are destroyed by a blast of nearly supersonic force and the last thing you hear is a scream of unbridled fury and you do not live long enough to hear the twelfth chime of the clock above you.
Griffin: I think the cave just collapses on all of you and Luca, and you get crushed by rocks.
Istus: You're going to be amazing.
Griffin: And then the building comes down.
Griffin: It reaches out and taps you on the forehead, and as soon as it does, your vision kind of goes dark.
Travis: And Magnus is dead.
Griffin: And Magnus dies and that's it. Thanks for listening, everybody! And now it's on to the next— no.
Griffin: [disgusted sounds] Oh come on, I’m in hell!
Justin: I'm gonna die, I'm dead, I'm dead, I'm dead.
Griffin: I'm dead and in hell now.
Griffin: But you also see a tear in the fabric of space, and it looks familiar. Because you saw something similar to that during your time in Lucas’ lab. It is a rift open to the astral plane where the souls of the deceased go after their death in the material plane. And you are drifting into it, Magnus. Because you’re dying.
Clint: I’m dead. I’ve just been killed. I’m as dead as dead can be.
Justin: I just killed somebody while I’m dead, what’s up!
Justin: You did die.
Clint: Yeah can we point out—
Justin: I mean, I don’t wanna get technical about it, but you... you are dead.
Clint: Yeah, your body got destroyed, so you’re dead!
Justin: You’re dead!
Clint: I’m sorry,
Taako: But I’m gonna need Magnus’s blood. He died, and we would just really like something to remember him by.
Griffin: You’re killed by a Yeti.
Travis: Yeah, I’m gonna die.
Griffin: They just—they just tear you apart. They just fucking destroy you.
Griffin: But, eventually like, you're left behind and you only, sort of, outlast the Hunger for so long before you are killed.
Travis: Oh, I’ll die then. That's fine.
Griffin: And so, I guess from the point of view of the rest of your party, who like, take some time, like this has happened a few times now, and it’s tough every time, like you're dead.
Griffin: She literally finds another gun and, like, does it—
Lup: Count the shells! gratatatatata…
Taako: Oh! I’m dying.
Griffin: Based on the rules of the game, Dad… you die. [Travis starts laughing] You tried to put some googly-eyes on a shell and the shell broke and it cut— It cut you to ribbons. And you died.
Griffin: And he extends his hand, palm first, and you see this sort of black fire surround his hand and you feel this incredible pain as black fire spreads throughout your body from your insides out, just killing you in a second.
Griffin: And he kills you. [This is repeated three more times]
Griffin: You take a step. And freeze. And I don’t just mean like, you stop moving? You feel something seize up within you as the dust that you breathed in as you’ve been in this chamber instantly calcifies and spreads throughout your body in the blink of an eye. And you are gone. And the rest of you look over and you just see a Magnus Burnsides statue made of this same white limestone as the walls surrounding you. Just frozen in place.
Travis: Well, see you all next cycle! [hums the Mario Bro’s game over tune] [laughter]
Griffin: And all of you feel it now. Just for a moment something… something hard just emerges from within you and you are instantly frozen, your shapes frozen atop the dais just lifeless, carved in stone.
Justin: Well, I… put my hand in it, I guess.
Griffin: You’re killed instant— no.
Justin: Then that’s going to do it for the Adventure Zone, we hope you’ve enjoyed this rich tapestry we’ve woven. Sorry I- boned it there at the end.
Griffin: Um, I don’t really have the same offer for Magnus that I did for Taako and Merle, I just have a question, which is, how does Magnus die? [long pause]
Travis: [emotional] You know… I kinda envisioned him from the beginning as like, a guy who was looking for a cause worth dying for, and I’ve always kinda envisioned this like, big Blaze Of Glory moment, and then, somewhere along the lines, he became… I realized that he had found something worth living for, and the relationship between Taako and Merle and all of his friends and stuff and what he was doing, started to trump that, became more important. I wanted him to live, I wanted him to survive. And so, if you had have asked me three years ago when we started, I would’ve said he died epically in battle.
Griffin: He got eaten by a dragon that he tried to fight by himself. [crosstalk]
Travis: [crosstalk] Yeah, something like that. But now, I actually think he dies peacefully of old age. Um. [voice trembling] Calmly, and holding in his hand his wife’s wedding ring. That’s how Magnus dies.
Griffin: And other folks are there too, this is just, like- Taako and Merle are there too, that’s just how dwarf and elf age work, you got old before they did, and they’re there too, and they’re with you, and Lucretia is there with you, and she is much, much older, I think she is sitting in a chair at your side. Carey and Killian are there, and Carey is holding your hand in hers and she’s smiling, and she’s just saying,
Carey: It’s okay, bud. It’s okay.
Griffin: And Davenport is there, and he’s at the foot of your bed, just smiling warmly, and he places a hand gently on your leg. And Angus is there, and he’s all grown up! And, he is… He’s so upset, but he’s trying to force a smile for you, Magnus. Barry and Lup are both there, and they look so happy for you, they are this force of reassurance, all of your friends that you have known for over a century, who’ve been with you, and have loved you for so long are all with you. They’re all ready to say goodbye. You are surrounded by friends as things get hazier and hazier in a way you’re kind of familiar with. And then, in a flash, the world is clear, and there’s Kravitz. And he looks like Kravitz, he’s not in his reaper form, but nobody else seems to see him in this moment, and he reaches out his hand and takes yours, and he helps you to your feet, and he says,
Kravitz: My friend, I think this one’s gonna take.
Magnus: Well, let’s hope so for your sake, I don’t want you getting in trouble with the boss. /end of audio description]
#taz#taz balance#taz spoilers#taako taaco#magnus burnsides#merle highchurch#mcelorys#audio transcript#this took a lot of time and tears#i may have paper i need to write for school#but i couldnt not do this
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TAZ Finale stuff
all of my thoughts from throughout the episode are gonna be here so HEAVY SPOILERS! also its super fucking long cuz this episode was amazing
-because thats the sex number!
-im listening to the ad reads and stuff thats usually in the middle since its at the beginnings just bc im nervous and its gonna make me cry cuz i just. love griffin
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OKAY HERE WE GO ITS STARTING AND IM STRESS
-hunger is a lorge boi
-”alright buddy, dance for me” I LOVE DAVENPORT
-is it john
-ITS JOHN
-OH NO JOHN I ACTUALLY FEEL BAD FOR HIM
-really taako
-i fucking love these dorks so much
-YOUR FINAL BATTLE FUCK
-L E T S R O L L I N I T A T I V E
-beautiful owl song
-Mathias is Hedwig
-beautiful bean damage
-cut things very good
-this fucking badass sword i love it
-MAGNUS WANTS TO BE WITH HIS BOYS
-hachi machi thats a lot of damage
-i wonder how many times they’ve said boy in this entire series
-merle like. put razor blades in candy and gave it to john
-magnus is cool and im in love with him
-SIX ATTACKS IN ONE ROUND I LOVE FIGHTERS MAGNUS IS AWESOME AS HELL
-my current mood is griffin’s “fuck off” when travis says 92
-bye john
-wait what ok maybe not bye john
-whAT th e fck is happening griffin
-GRIFFIN THE SWORD WHAT ARE YOU DOING G R I F F I N
-WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
-THIS MUSIC IS AMAZING I LOVE IT
-orbs orbs orbs orbs
-OH MY G O D WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON
-the final john, john the destroyer of worlds
-OKAY THAT WAS SCARY HES NOT DEAD
-travis calling them his boys makes me happy
-god someone’s gonna die this episode but HEY it won’t matter because theyre on the ship and thats how the ship works
-taako is scared aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
-ABRACA-FUCK YOU AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA I JUST GOT REALLY FUCKING EXCITED OH MY G O D
-take that orbs
-hit that blue boy magnus
-take that blue orb
-taako not you too god damn it
-god damn bosses and their bullshit im so scared
-naptime!
-oh no mom
-what is happening what
-pan!!! my boy!!!!!
-THANKS PAN YOU AMAZING GOD BOY
-oh s h i t
-bringing in a character from another series jesus christ
-LIGHT HIM THE FUCK UP JOAQUIN
-HELL YEAH I LOVE JOAQUIN
-I LOVE THIS
-clint are you serious right now god damn it
-GARFIELD WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
-call griffin in do it you cowards
-garfield doesnt look like anything they just cant tell
-garfield pulls out a gun
-oh not a gun a fucking grenade
-R O S W E L L IM SO HAPPY MY FAVORITE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THEYRE HERE IM GONNA CRY
-i fucking love roswell i still love them im absolutely in love
-oh my GOD taako i love him hes amazing
-a time paradox get fucked
-i love these goobers
-SUMMON VOIDFISH!!!!!!!!!!!1 YES!!!! F I SH E R S
-travis got so happy!!! oh my gosh!!! he was so concerned about them last episode and now he knows they’re safe and aaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-i love the voidfishes they are amazing
-im so proud of these space jellies
-take that orbs
-honestly this music is beautiful i love it
-o h n o the engine
-o h n o the engine
-john goes AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
-”im not goin fuckin anywhere” I LOVE THIS
-holy shit griffin
-jesus christ dont make me feel bad for john this is gonna make me cry its so peaceful and nice like merle is the only friend john had and he wanted to spend his last moments with his only friend
-haha it looks lit
-my mom i love her
-oh my god are you serious griffin fucking mcelroy
-im half way through and ive cried once so i think we’re doing good
-istus!!!! oh my god!!!!!!! thank you goddess mom!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-he wants to help lup!!!!! he cares about his sister so much!!!!!! goals!!!!!!!!
-ANGO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1 YOU GO KIDDO I LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
-HURLEY AND SALONE AND KLARG AND OH MY GO D YES FUCK IT UP GUYS!!!
-YOU’RE GOING TO BE AMAZING
-AAAAAAAAAAAAA IM SO HAPPY G E R Y L
-I LOVE THIS SO MUCH
-IM IN LOVE WITH THIS EPISODE
-scuttle buddy :D
-train train train train train
-o shit the planes
-its griffin, himself, as a character
-oH MY GOD I WAS RIGHT I WAS JUST JOKING ARE YOU KIDDING ME
-its spirited away, like the movie
-jeffandrew... jeffandrew...
-blupjeans hell yeah
-Im so proud of these kids
-ANGO MY SWEET BABY SON JUST HIS EXISTENCE MAKES ME TEAR UP I LOVE HIM SO MUCH
-this is sweet i love this
-MAYOR CASSIDY AWWWWWW
-this is really beautiful i love it
-awww ango is the top student im so proud of my son i love him
-davenport!!! my other dad!!! im proud of him too and im so happy for him!!!!!!
-Joyfully yous, Davenport
-lup and barry are working with taako’s bf and i love it thanks raven mom
-BACK SOON OH MY GOD STOP
-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA LUP HAS A BODY AGAIN
-“im about to smooch your fucking brains out, babe”
-good luck getting the fuckin bracers off
-pringles!!!!!!! i love him what a good boy
-i love my actual mom Lucretia
-the day of story and song
-twins cooking together my #aesthetic lup is roasting taako over his cooking
-these two are goals and i love them i love elf twins so much
-”what part of that sounds like i was joking”
-i love justin and taako so much they’re my faves
-taako is the best boy
-everyone is in house taako and wears taako t-shirts
-ren my daughter im proud of her
-”i should mention my boyfriend is death...”
-barold
-i want taako to cook for me
-awwwwwwwwwwwww krav and taako are so cute
-MY BOY! MY SON! THE LIGHT OF MY LIFE! HE’S TALLER NOW AND IM PROUD OF HIM!
-aww ango is so cute and i love him my sweet son he’s still the world’s greatest detective!
-TAAKO CALLED HIM LITTLE MAN THATS WHAT I CALL TUCKER THAT MAKES ME SO HAPPY
-mavis and mookie!!! i love them kids!!!!!!!!! this is so cute!!!!
-merle taught kiddos and got closer to his kids that makes me so happy
-merle doesnt hear much from taako or magnus thats like, sad
-i love how many characters came back
-governor merle highchurch
-he wants to be earl merle highchurch
-merlegartia ville
-i love mookie he’s so cute
-”you’re his hero you know” OKAY THANKS FOR RIPPING MY HEART OUT THAT WAS CUTE
-UNCLE TAAKO AND UNCLE MAGNUS AND AUNT LUP AND AUNT LUCRETIA AND UNCLE BARRY AND DAV
-pun’kin thats adorable
-AW THATS SO CUTE I LOVE THIS MERLE LOVES HIS KIDS SO MUCH
-wedding wedding wedDING WEDDING WEDDING WEDDING W E D D I N G L E A S BI A N S
-this is so sweet im so happy i love this so much
-ango cries at weddings thats so sweet
-i love these characters!!! so much!!!
-subtle magnus. so very subtle
-right hand man magnus is my favorite i love
-magnus has a school too and DOG TRAINER YAY
-HE TRAINS SERVICE DOGS!! I LOVE
-HE NAMED HIS DOG JOHANN IM CRYING IM ACTUALLY CRYING RIGHT NOW
-okay griffin how about go fuck yourself?
-i love the few seconds of silence after griffin asks “how does magnus die”
-oh my lord im crying harder now this is such fucking bullshit what the hell guys
-god dont bring grown up angus into this shit what the fuck griffin
-im actually sobbing over this oh my lord
-travis is clearly crying you can hear it in his voice
-OH NO DO NOT BRING JULIA INTO THIS
-BITCH DO N O T
-god i dont like hearing travis cry
-im actually like sobbing over this
-oh my god the music
-oh my lor d st o p it hurts its so cute i love magnus so much i love him and julia and the dogs and i love travis so sos os os os o much
-THE MOST BEAUTIFUL ELF IM LIKE 100% NOT OKAY RIGHT NOW THIS HURTS SO BAD
-carey my sweet girl i love her
-”im gonna streak my fuckin eyeliner” “give me a hug lizard girl” “dont fuckin call me that. i’m a proud dragonborn”
-i love the lesbians i love everyone in this god damn podcast
-fisher :D
-love them voidfish
-aw they all cried that warms my heart
-honestly that was so beautiful??????
-travis hasnt urinated in three years confirmed
-so thats it. thats the end. im glad it ended how it did, i really liked that.
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many many highlights from The Crystal Kingdom from a first-time TAZ listener
featuring some bits from the Lunar Interlude II: Internal Affairs
travis: “it was streaming on witch. that’s like magical twitch!”
SWEET ANGO HAS RETURNED!
i cannot believe griffin went to the EFFORT of making a fantasy costco jingle
the lockpicking garden gnome called the Nitpicker that insults the damn party is a beyond brilliant object for sale at the fantasy costco
I really want to lodge a complaint with the HR department of the bureau of balance on sweet angus macdonald’s behalf bc these grown men are FULL ON BULLYING THIS TEN YEAR OLD BOY GENIUS
so is this new shitty scientist consultant lucas a bigger annoyance than shitty train butler wizard jenkins or does jenkins still retain that title
travis: "anything this touches turns to crystal?" griffin: "yeah, pink tourmaline" travis: "yeah, I'm not gonna say that, because I'm an adult"
CAREY FANGBATTLE is like on par with Jess the Beheader in terms of Cool Names
griffin: “so the three of you are currently sitting in a gondola, which is another word for a little boat” travis, singing: “the more you knoooowww”
“so it’s made of crystal, right?” “yes, everything is crystal” x1000000
the crystal kingdom song is beautiful
griffin: “you see a sign that says The Magical World Of Elevators” justin: “griffin's really stickin it to the people who say he's not allowed to have elevators in this game”
today in failed brand marketing: “Upsy, your lifting friend”
this arc is ACTUALLY set up like a video game level puzzle, when griffin says “ah, you’ve solved my crystal puzzle” it will actually apply
clint: “I rolled a 4 but I get another roll...a 5″ travis: “wow, you're really bad at dnd”
merle: “I'm gonna use Banishment on the cockroach” griffin: “okay, you're just gonna yell GET OUT OF HERE COCKROACH, I DONT LOVE YOU ANYMORE”
magnus is being fucking mean to lucas, the genius inventor, and he’s been a TOTAL DICK to sweet boy genius detective angus macdonald, and i feel like pointing out that he was WAYYY nicer to shitty evil wizard train butler jenkins who beheaded a guy with a teleportation door
griffin: “one of the signs is labeled Radiation Ventilation Maintenance Chamber, and the other is labeled Lil Genius BuddyBot R&D" travis: "I feel like this is a trick” clint: “I feel like griffin has been playing Fallout”
I LOVE HODGE PODGE THE LIL GENIUS BUDDYBOT!!! EVEN IF HE TURNS OUT TO BE EVIL, THE SOUND OF HIS VOICE MADE ME LOVE HIM PRETTY INSTANTLY AND NOTHING CAN CHANGE THAT
hodge podge: “magnus! merle! take-o” goddamnit griffin
justin: “can we just put the stone of far speech in front of the robit and griffin, you can just talk to yourself?”
hodge podge is exactly the kind of unsettling demon robit with a mostly-adorable voice, except for when he goes demon-y, that I expected from griffy
justin: “my character taako has innate skills in: investigation, nature, history, religion, arcana, and religion” so is he double good at religion then
taako: “okay, I got a question for you: who....do we work for?”
lucas: “hey, are you just mean to everyone?” THANK GOD SOMEONE VOICED THIS LEGITIMATE FUCKING CONCERN, THE GRUBBY GRIFTERS ARE MONSTERS
clint: “I look up what scrumbled means” griffin: “justin said that in a Monster Factory once and I’ve been using it like it’s a real word” justin: “I am the lewis carroll of my generation”
noel the friendly medic robit’s voice started at vaguely-angus like and then became straight up country southern and i really hope somebody calls griffin on it
i really think griffin introduced the nitpicker so he could have a way of introducing his own critiques of his dad and brothers’ dnd skills
the little compact mirror has some shit in it that i think must be important
there’s a rift in space and time and pink tourmaline is coming out of it and the damn song is super ominous and making me MEGA NERVOUS and honestly i don’t know what the flying goddamn fuck is happening but i am SO INTO IT
lucas: “you’re just yelling hugbears at me” magnus: “BUG! HEARS!” “what” “what”
so is lucas just like holding these poor bugbears in fucking slavery
the grubby grifters discover the tourmalined body of boyland and magnus asked if he can DESECRATE THE GODDAMN BODY OF HIS TRAGICALLY DECEASED COWORKER
griffin: “these two figures are just taking these ice robits to Fool School”
awww they’re gonna fight one of my favorite little creepy crawlies! human sized tardigrades that will absolutely fuck their shit up!!! so cute
griffin: “you’re so loosey-goosey with your possessions! ‘hi scuddle-buddy! bye scuddle-buddy! go get on that train to hell!’”
clint/merle’s immediate panic when they decide the only option here is to CHOP HIS GODDAMN ARM OFF
killian, after picking lucas up: “THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST SHITTIEST DAY EVER, WE ARE TWO PEOPLE DOWN, YOUR LAB SUCKS!!” #relatable, I feel u killian
during this arc the mcelboys keep talking about how they don’t remember shit from the beginning of the show bc that was two years ago and im like what? what? that was three days ago, friends!! its bc ive binged this shit in under a WEEK
merle basically has a plant fetish okay, that’s the only reason this soul-wood shit worked
griffin: “it actually curls up and gives you a thumbs up as if to say 'hey! I'm your arm now!’”
so like this planar system shit is probably important, right
this parseltongue motherfucker that’s like fucking haunting the grubby grifters needs to start explaining what their whole, like, DEAL is
this Red Robe dude is having a FREAKOUT over the damn umbrella and im like mmmmm maybe taako shouldn’t have just taken the damn umbrella, no questions asked
killian’s scanner is having a major freakout over a lich being present and im like, yeah, its the fucking umbrella, yall
oh, real quick, the mcelboys gotta pause the action to whine at each other about character voices
killian: “I am going to ABSOLUTELY murder that man” yeah, killian remains the most goddamn relatable npc in this fucking world
i sure hope The Adventure Zone Zone doesn’t have any super important info in it, bc im not gonna listen to the mcelboys talk about the maxfun drive from two fucking years ago
the crystal golem just called the grubby grifters bounties, and said it was time for noelle the friendly medic robit and the grubby grifters to all go back to the astral plane and im like WHAT? WHAT? WHAT? GRIFFIN! WHAT?
OH FUCK ITS BEEN KRAVITZ THIS WHOLE GODDAMN TIME!!!!! KRAVITZ!!!!!
griffin: “a D6 is like a dice-ass-dice! that's like some monopoly shit!!”
kravitz: “i don’t even know how that even worked, like with physics”
taako: “luke! use the fork!” merle: “the fork will be with you, always”
magnus: “I want to roll an investigation check on noelle...I rolled a 2″ griffin: “okay well you know noelle is a robot”
YALL!! SHITTY TRAIN BUTLER WIZARD JENKINS AND MAGIC BRIAN THE GERMAN MORON BOTH CAME BACK!!
magic brian the german dumbass: “i had an invitation to my wedding for you, and instead of RSVP-ing, you murdered me!”
travis: “when you say they evaporate, do they go back to heaven or hell or the after plane, or whatever, or are they GONE?” griffin: “it kinda seems like you obliterated their soul. kinda seems like you just kinda ERASED them” travis: “you know, at the end of day, I punch people, but dad unmakes their existence, who's the real monster?”
the fact that noelle died in phandolin when the grubby grifters and gundren rockseeker turned the whole town to glass is so goddamn fucking tragic, THANKS GRIFFIN!!!!
lucas miller: yet more proof that dickin around with science and magic and mad scientist shit is always gonna end badly for everyone
kravitz: “taako, you’ve died eight times”...[...]..”magnus, you’ve died 19 times”...[...]...”merle highchurch, the richest bounty i have ever hunted, you have died 57 times” WHAT?? WHAT? WHAT???? WHAT???? GRIFFIN!!??? WHAT????
THIS STORYLINE IS LIT
griffin: “a legion of ghosts” justin: “great”
i think both griffin and I have forgotten that carey fangbattle and killian are in this scene. also merle has had a soul-bond wood arm this whole time
the grubby grifters beat a goddamn LEGION of ghost robits, or ghrobits, and then kravitz slides back into the scene all like “uh, hey, assholes, thanks for saving me, I’ll make up some legal loophole bullshit to thank you” that’s not a direct quote, that’s me editorializing. i fucking love kravitz
taako: "they found new bodies, just because they're mechanical doesn't mean the life is any less valid - battlestar galactica"
oh fuck magnus got a cheating deck of cards in like episode goddamn THREE and he just whips em out in episode fucking 39 against kravitz
kravitz, massively misunderstanding the assholes he’s talking to: “the rules of nature are there for a reason, so lets just stop running afoul of them, as if this all just funsy-fun make-believe!”
magnus: “kravitz! tell julia I love her” TRAVIS!!!! TRAVIS MCELROY! WHY WOULD YOU DO THAT TO MY HEART!!!
lucas: “you'll never see me again, but if you do, i'll be doing good, and please don't kill me instantly”
justin: “i give angus a thumbs down” motherfuckers
killian: “hell yes! I love this plan! me and carey, and a robot ghost with a gun arm! sounds like a plan!” magnus: “sounds like a spinoff!” killian: “that’s sounds like some torchwood shit!”
davenport the goddamn pokemon
on one hand, I’m really goddamn suspicious that the director isn’t actually destroying the relics but is collecting them for her own gain. but on the other hand, if this turns out to not be true, I will feel bad for suspecting her so hard
taako: “director, here’s the truth. what did you have for lunch on Dec 3 2015? you don’t remember right? that’s when you told us not to talk to the Red Robes. what’s I’m saying is WE FORGOT!”
YOOO THIS EPILOGUE PROPHECY IS SOOOOOOO COOOOOL GRIFFIN!!! WHAT IS THIS!!!! ITS SO GOOD!!!!!!
this was a wild wild wild wild ride and whatever griffin is doing with this story is LIT
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AFL 101: A West Coast Jetta emerges following Eagles’ ‘clearance sale’
It wasn’t a good week to be a West Australian football fan with both the Eagles and Dockers suffering demoralising defeats.
Any Fremantle fan who travelled to Adelaide to watch their side play would have looked on in horror as the rain bucketed down and the Crows blew the Dockers out of the water in the first quarter.
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Kangaroos clinch bizarre win over Carlton
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Previous slide Next slide
AFL plays of round 10
AFL plays of round 10
Top Cat takes a screamer, Buddy deadly but Burgoyne all silk, Garlett turns it on in Alice, Tiges rule Dreamtime at the G and Greene brilliance delivers in the West.
Kangaroos clinch bizarre win over Carlton
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Kangaroos clinch bizarre win over Carlton
Kangaroos clinch bizarre win over Carlton
North Melbourne amassed a huge lead over Carlton before somehow falling behind, only to respond with five last term goals.
Was Weitering confused?
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Was Weitering confused?
Was Weitering confused?
North Melbourne Midfielder Taylor Garner was in the right place at the right time to capitalise on a rare mistake from Jacob Weitering.
Collingwood dismiss Brisbane
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Collingwood dismiss Brisbane
Collingwood dismiss Brisbane
Collingwood kept their feint finals hopes alive with a win over bottom of the table Brisbane.
More umpiring controversy at MCG
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More umpiring controversy at MCG
More umpiring controversy at MCG
There was nothing in it late in the second term at the MCG and many were confused over this ruling.
Adelaide destroy Fremantle in wet
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Adelaide destroy Fremantle in wet
Adelaide destroy Fremantle in wet
The Crows demonstrated their Premiership credentials as they destroyed the Dockers.
Tigers finally clinch tight one
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Tigers finally clinch tight one
Tigers finally clinch tight one
Richmond have put four consecutive losses behind them with a 81-66 defeat of Essendon in front of a record regular season Saturday night crowd at the MCG.
AFL plays of round 10
Top Cat takes a screamer, Buddy deadly but Burgoyne all silk, Garlett turns it on in Alice, Tiges rule Dreamtime at the G and Greene brilliance delivers in the West.
The game was all but over at quarter time, as the ladder leading Crows raced to a 33-point lead, and the pain continued for the rest of the match as Adelaide inflicted Ross Lyon’s first 100-point defeat in his 250th game as an AFL coach.
The only consolation for Dockers fans is Adelaide’ inability to kick straight – had they done so the final margin could have been more than 200 points.
Meanwhile back in WA the late withdrawal of West Coast gun midfielder Luke Shuey had Eagles fans nervous – and their fears were well-founded as the Giants clinched a thrilling eight point victory.
However, even worse than the defeat was the news that key forward Josh Kennedy heard a pop in his right calf and collapsed to the turf in pain early in the final quarter.
Given West Coast have only played three games without Kennedy since the start of the 2013 season (for wins against Brisbane and St Kilda and a loss to Hawthorn), and that the Eagles have never won a match in which Kennedy played and was held goal-less, there will be even more nervous times ahead.
In other matches around the league the favourite won every clash except for Hawthorn against Sydney – which will bring some relief to tipsters, although not anyone hoping to make up ground this week.
The Dockers were dismal again in Adelaide. Photo: Getty Images
Our crack(pot) panel returns to run the rule over round 10 of the AFL season.
The panel: Brendan Foster (resident grumpy old man); Tim Carrier (office fantasy football addict); Claire Siracusa (Carlton tragic and eternal optimist); Justin Rake (long-suffering Fremantle fan); Michael Stamp (6PR reporter and office oddsmaker).
GWS ‘ midfield dominated the clearances against West Coast. Photo: Getty Images
Brendan:
There was a massive “clearance sale” at Domain Stadium on Sunday. Every time the ball was bounced the Eagles’ players were more than happy to let their opponents clear off with it.
Every week it’s looking more and more like Eagles coach Adam Simpson doesn’t have what it takes to compete in the big league. The game is all about run, but he insists on using the outdated ‘Weagles Web’ every week. Or maybe he simply doesn’t have the cattle to develop a more offensive running style?
I normally wouldn’t do an Eagles trifecta, but it’s not every week such a big name player like Josh Kennedy gets an injury. If the two-time Coleman Medallist has hurt his Achilles, West Coast can almost kiss their final’s chances goodbye.
Fremantle were six feet under by quarter time. Photo: Getty Images
Tim:
West Coast fans finally got a glimpse of what a new Eagles Jetta could look like. Amongst the chaos of the Eagles losing to GWS and losing their most important player in Josh Kennedy, Lewis Jetta played his best game for the club by a country mile. With two goals, 28 possessions and more than 800m gained, Jetta’s form was the lone consolation on a dismal day for Eagles’ fans.
The Dockers just don’t have the scoring power to compete. Even when they made the Grand Final in 2013, Fremantle struggled against high-scoring teams and things haven’t changed since. It’s no coincidence three of the Dockers four losses have come against the high-scoring Crows, Power and Cats. Even the lowly Lions have outscored the Dockers this season.
The premiership favourites have hidden in plain sight. The reason a number one contender hasn’t emerged yet is because the team who owns that title has been decimated by injury. GWS were missing 1446 games of experience on the weekend and yet still found a way to win. Add Brett Deledio, Steve Johnson, Stephen Coniglio, Ryan Griffen, Jacob Hopper, Rory Lobb and Devon Smith to the side that played on Sunday and you’ll have your premiership favourites.
Carlton were left chasing the game after a poor start. Photo: Getty Images
Claire:
It’s probably not a good idea to give your opponents a 45-point head start. Turns out maintaining your own lead after coming back from that deficit is actually really hard. Cheers for that lesson, Carlton.
I didn’t mind the interpretation of Saturday night’s deliberate rushed behind call. It’s… the vibe of it. Yes, it’s a really tough penalty. But it really adds to the excitement of the game and the moment, when you know the ball must almost always be kept in play. Although I might think otherwise, if I played fullback.
I shouldn’t tip West Coast at home, either.
Josh Kennedy looks to have suffered a serious injury. Photo: Getty Images
Justin:
West Coast’s issues go further than playing on the east coast. Fair enough, they were undermanned yesterday, but the Giants were missing nine of their best 22 and gave the Eagles a real chance to topple a premiership contender. West Coast missed that chance, and if Josh Kennedy is out for an extended period of time, their finals hopes are in jeopardy.
Port Adelaide’s best is good enough to take on the top. The Power took it right up to a Cats team that had a number of its superstars in blistering form on Thursday night, and only just missed out on coming away with a win. Anyone saying they were robbed is deluding themselves, Geelong won fair and square, but it’s clear that when Port are going full tilt they can match it with the top tier.
It’s back to square one for the Fremantle Dockers. Last time they returned home wounded from Adelaide, there was a major selection shake up. It might not be on the same scale, but there definitely needs to be another injection of youth this time around. Sam Collins can’t do much more to get a game while Luke Ryan, Griffin Logue and Sean Darcy could all come into the fold.
Lewis Jetta finally found some form for the Eagles. Photo: Getty Images
Michael:
Adelaide Oval is to Fremantle what the MCG is to West Coast. Two losses in South Australia this year for the Dockers totalling 189 points. What is it about the Dockers in Adelaide? Do they get lost? Maybe they should make use of their new facilities at Cockburn at adjust the size of the training ground to what it is at the Oval if they haven’t already.
Lewis Jetta still has it. Now yes, we haven’t seen much from the former Swans premiership player but yesterday’s performance was a flashback to his brilliance. Playing half forward then some time on the wing. He finished with 28 touches and two goals while running around the ground. Not getting carried away, but it was good to see Jetta can have a real influence.
Players are even more confused about the deliberate rushed behind rule! Richmond’s Jayden Short was paid a free kick against for rushing the ball over handing the Bombers a goal. Throughout the round players continue to be confused about whether they can rush or have to keep the ball in play. It’s exciting but it’s pot luck. It will likely baffle players and coaches for the rest of the year.
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