#juxtaproseseason

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Movie love:  Reality Bites

“Reality Bites” came out in 1994, but I would watch it 5 years later because the city I lived in only screened blockbuster movies, and “Reality Bites” was too indie for the local cineplex.  I had decided that I would be a fan of the movie before I watched it.  

Skip ahead to five years later.  It was 1999.  I was doing volunteer work in Australia.  It was an off day, I spent it hanging out with a bunch of friends, and after a day out at the beach in the morning, we went to the video stores and picked up a couple of movie as our afternoon time killer.  First, we watched “Good Will Hunting”, and then we watched “Reality Bites”.  I was already familiar with Lisa Loeb’s “Stay” and even learned the song on the guitar.  Also, I was a Winona mega-fan.  As a queer man in the closet, I told everyone around me that I loved her and she would be the woman I wanted to marry.  I was not disappointed by the film and in fact elated by it.  Although years later, I would resent the main characters due to their white entitlement, that’s a story for another day.  “You say, I only hear what I want to...”  and all I ever wanted to hear and tell everyone in 1999 was that “Reality Bites” was the movie of mine generation.

#movie love #reality bites #winona ryder #juxtaproseseason

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Music talk:  Sandee Chan

I have followed singer-songwriter Sandee Chan’s career from the 90s when she released her first album. I was looking for someone like Faye Wong who was at that time doing something different in the Chinese music scene. While doing my usual music shopping at my favourite music stall at a local mall, on a cassette rack, I saw Sandee’s debut album cover of a hand-drawn girl standing before a backdrop of apples, I thought, “That’s pretty alternative.”  So I took a leap, bought the album and I never looked back in my love of Sandee’s music.

Even though Faye Wong pretty much reigns in the realm of coolness, I think Sandee is cooler in the sense that she wrote, produced and performed her own materials. Her lower range and warm distinctive voice was also a standout amongst the sea of pop plastic princesses of the time. With her current cool and polished persona and song choices ala St Vincent, I have forgotten she could go ape shit crazy as she has done on some of her older songs. She once did a song about vomiting which she retched (in sound effect) and sang with style.

Last week, her new album came out.  I put off listening to it till tonight, I checked out one of her songs on YouTube, and it was one of those many Sandee music moment that tugged at my heartstring and spoke deep into my soul. Her lyrics have been the primary reason why I keep going back to her, cos’ Sandee always has something thoughtful things to say and saying them in interesting ways.

#陳珊妮， #sandy chan #mandopop #taiwan music scene #juxtaproseseason

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Music Thought

My music listening taste has leaned to a warmer organic band sound.  Been listening to Courtney Barnett, Whitney, and Soccer Mommy. I like guitar-driven bands hat has a folky alternative leaning.  The last couple of months I have been mostly listening to RnB and Pop like Raveena, Mahalia, and Ingrid Michaelson.  Then yesterday while doing some paperwork, I put on Courtney Barnett, whose album I did not get into last year. However, her album was the right sound for that right moment of me being stuck in a mundane routine -- the raw emotions in Barnett’s voice and sound just ‘made sense’ in that instance.  It was the sound of being alive in a world mostly I have trouble getting a grasp of.

#band sound #courtney barnett #guitar #Juxtaproseseason

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Class

Had a catch-up lunch with two friends that I have not seen for like months.  The conversation at one point veered towards self-care, more specifically, dealing with classism in friendship.  

I am from a mid-lower income background.  I lived with my foster parents for most of my primary school years, and I stayed with my dad most weekends.  My mom came to visit me like three times a year cos’ she had her own family, and I was a kept secret from them.  Then I moved home to my dad’s when I was in secondary school.  My dad’s business collapsed that period, and we had to live very frugally in those years.  In fact, I would skip a lot of meals or try to hustle one through my schoolmates or church friends.  Bottomline - my past means I am a person with lots of internal issues.

My dad has a rich man’s taste.  He grew up from an affluent home.  I was there when he had money, at least the tail end of his glamorous, wealthy life.  Then everything went to the dogs.  Not only did he lose his business, but also his partner at that time.  Needless to say, he was a miserable man and even a furious one.  To add to the cherry on top of the icing, I was an effeminate boy, which made me an easy target to his irritation of life not working out.

Back to my conversation with my friend.  

I told my friends over lunch, due to my growing up years, I have developed ways to cope with different circumstances.  First and foremost, I have to learn to deal with what I don't have.  Growing up in a church community who are mostly English speaking, which in itself is a post-colonial culture social currency, I have picked up the language and mannerisms of mid-upper income level folks.  I have, through time, learned to assimilate to be one of them.  However, ss time goes, I realise it is tough to catch up and be one of them financially. I guess I am not a very good hustler. So I learn ways to continue to coexist among them while remaining a struggling white-collar worker.

I have to be very frank with my well-to-do friends on things like catch-up arrangement - where we meet or eat.  I would tell them I would prefer to catch up over coffee or drinks than over a meal so that I don't have to stress over an expensive meal.  I have to space out our meetings because I don't want to bore them with my mundane white-collar work tales. Also, I would have to work very hard to empathise over their problems which only rich people would have, such as the hardship in finding good organic food and walkable space in the city, similar to the ones in Scandinavian countries. Which, they could personally testify since they have been there.

I am growing older.  I am not growing richer.  I am not going to play the blame game over circumstances or people at this point because it wears my soul down.  But I can set proper relationship boundaries and find a way to maintain my friendship with people of a different class.  

#classism #friendship #thoughts #juxtaproseseason

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Climate Change

National Geographic’s "Before the flood" had me worrying about the state of the world affected by climate change. My country is now clouded in haze due to a distant forest fire. I am feeling its effect - my nose getting runny and my throat feeling sore. I am considering some suggestions offered in the documentary to hopefully turn around our impending doom - eating less beef and not supporting palm oil product to cut down the release of methane and decrease deforestation. But at the back of my mind I am thinking, I am not going to be guilt trip into feeling bad when the rich in the world are the ones needing to own their responsibility in our current plight and use their wealth to remedy the shit show they have created. Sure, I will do my part in my tiny footprints lessening the impact, but I should also be educated and be aware enough to know we need to force the hands of the rich and powerful to fix our world.

#climate change #justice #haze #forest fire #methane #deforestatiin #Asia #juxtaproseseason

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Before we vanish

The latest movie by Kiyoshi Kurosawa, "Before we vanish", has pleasantly surprised me.  There was a little bit of a false start which led me to think that he may be going into atmospheric horror, and then the film took many twists and turn and evolved into something heartfelt.  On that note, I think the movie is similar to "Bright Future", which began with a violent event and then carefully examine the motives and intentions along the journey.  "Before we vanish" led me to question my thoughts and continues to challenge my perception of things, if I am being held prisoner by insidious values sown inside me.

#kiyoshi kurosawa #before we vanish #sci-fi #conception #juxtaproseseason

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Soulmate

Lizzo’s “Soulmate” is my go-to bedroom-dancing-banger.  It is a good reminder of Mother Ru’s advice, “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell you gonna love somebody else?”  

Loving myself is not an easy task.  My past religious experience taught me to put other people first, which in itself is not a bad advice, but after a while without some self-checking, I went on the other continuum - I neglected my own needs and feelings, and the prolonged period of pouring myself out for others without filling my own tank left me drained and frustrated.

I know I could swing to the other continuum of putting myself above others and become a social vampire of sucking in attention and affection without giving any of them to others.  Again, it has to do with self-awareness and mindfulness.  Bottom line, I am my own soulmate, I know how to love me. I am not a messiah, so instead, I have to learn to take a moment, and take a step back and get my tank filled up so I can give to others.

#lizzo #soulmate #self-care #self-love #juxtaproseseason

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Train

I'm on the train with an athletic jock type sitting across from me. His manspread crossing over my side taking up my leg space; I am both annoyed and somewhat aroused by it. His thick muscular legs are tightly wrapped in denim. They make nice distractions for a while, and then I just get mostly annoyed with the guy - he bears the insensitivity of a person who knows he has some social currency with his looks or physiques, and therefore not give a fly fuck of the people around him. So I bury my nose in my Clive Barker book and no longer give a fly fuck about him too.

#juxtaproseseason #train #manspread #men #ugh

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A reflection

This week has been a tough one cos’ we were understaffed, one colleague has been hospitalized and one is on holiday.  What carried me through is my time with my students.  I love interacting with the kids, and I am constantly surprised by their humor and maturity.  One Year 7 student surprised me when he told me to read Junji Ito’s “Uzumaki”.  I am an Ito fan, so I am pretty pleased that we could share this interest.  Here’s the thing though to do my job well, I need time away from them to recharge myself, so I could be “on” when I am with them.  In fact, I felt many times that teaching is a lot like doing stand-up comedy, I gotta work my material and do crowd work, but I am also aware that it is not about me doing a schtick, but it’s about me given 60 minutes to do a 10 minutes material and for the rest of the time an improv workshop with the kids having them hone their skills through practice.  I am so glad I could do this job and liking most of my work time.

#reflection #teaching job #education #analogy #juxtaproseseason

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Holiday

Today it’s a public holiday at my part of the world.  I don’t go out much.  I stopped going out because I don’t want to spend a lot of money or walk in the city aimlessly which eventually leads to money-spending.  Is my concern over money determining the quality of my public holiday?  Well, it’s all about perspective and worldview of what a good time or a quality time is.  I am happy staying home listening to a podcast and making meals for myself.   I have just finished an episode of “This American Life” and during the episode, I was making food, and I laughed a couple of times from the funny bits in the story.  The podcast has made me happy which I don’t remember that many trips in the city have succeeded in doing so.  The episode is about rest stops, and I am constantly amazed by how Ira Glass and his podcast team could always make the most ordinary of things extraordinary and beautiful.  I want my life kinda like a “This American Life” podcast - ordinary, yet remarkable.

#holiday #public holiday #day off #this american life #ira glass #podcast #an ordinary life #an ordinary day #juxtaproseseason

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First

I am gonna commit to this.  “This” means writing a 100-word blog post every day.  It’s part of my goal of getting better in writing.  After listening to a Chase Jarvis podcast episode featuring Seth Godin, hearing Godin exalting the virtue of doing something often enough that one eventually gets better at it, I felt compelled to do this as I have always wanted to get better in writing.  I remember my LiveJournal phase when I would try to write about my thoughts only to stare at the computer monitor feeling stumped in saying something meaningful beautifully.  At the same time, I felt inferior seeing other LJ-ers succinctly expressing their thoughts and succeeding in making me laugh or think.  So, I am going to brave that territory again, to reclaim the ground I once trod but through a few setbacks that I quickly ran away.  But this time I will be kinder to myself, and I will give myself the permission to fuck it up so I will eventually be fucking decent (see, I am modest enough to not set my goal at ‘amazing’) at it.  Hence, this is my first post, starting my journey in writing discipline.

#first #seth godin #chase travis #juxtaproseseason

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All of me

Since I am quite a critical person on myself, it is very easy to go first thing to my shortcomings.  I thought, instead of looking at them, I will look at what I am now.  That is a better way of practising self-care.

I am more aware of my personhood, more knowledgeable of my own being.  I know my own ticks, and I also know my capabilities.  I am a relational person and I think people that got to know me for a while could feel safe to be themselves around me.  On the other hand, I could be a little intense in defending my point of view.  I am at once insecure of myself -- the awareness of my tendency to be self-sabotaging, and arrogant of my stance in life -- that I know things better than most others.  Sure, I get it wrong sometimes, but most of the time my intuition is pretty spot on.  And when I catch myself being smug for that, I beat myself up harder than I should.  It is terrible.  And it gets ugly.  I hope my journaling could get me better in doing life and being the owner of my being.

So that’s what I am.  A coin with two sides of attributes.  Neither makes me greater or lesser.  Just is.  If there is a God, have mercy.

#reflection #juxtaproseseason

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Journey

There was a time in my life I wanted to be a Christian missionary because I believed that the teaching of Jesus would improve people’s lives, and his principles were the way forward in healing the world.  Until I got older and realized that Jesus’s teaching was never going to un-gay me.  And instead of improving, my life was deteriorating from the self-loathing of me unable to become straight and the misery of me being prohibited from having a romance.  I could not make myself love a woman and I could never admit to my attraction toward someone of the same sex.  “I am straight as God has created me.  My homosexuality is the devil trying to trip me up in my Christian journey...”  I told myself.  

I stayed closeted until my thirties and after hearing the story of an older gay person - his journey of wanting to stay faithful to Jesus and coming to term with his own sexuality and eventually banished from the Christian community, I thought the story of my life has already been written in many that have gone before me, and the ending is apparent -- there is no future being a gay person in a traditional Christian institution.  Also, Brian McLaren’s book got me through that tough period of internal conflict and had me rethinking about the concept of god and community, and I came to conclude that Christianity is a long history of construct that is not built to welcome queer folks and its believers probably need some reevaluation of its view of the world.

So I left my “calling” and start reacquainting with myself again.  Some day, I wish everything would be simpler and spelled out like it was in my Christian days, but I know I cannot deny my true self by going back in the closet for convenience and a sense of belonging. 

#journey #lgbtq #coming to term with myself #honesty #juxtaproseseason #christianity #church #brian mclaren

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Plan B

Having a backup plan is not my strongest suit. You know the whole idea of not laying all my eggs in one basket, I get it, but what do I do with the eggs that would yield my profit, that I haven’t figured out yet.

I listen to a podcast like Seth Godin’s Akimbo hoping that it will help me figure something out cos’ my parents were not very good in financial management and future planning. My education did not really help me take on the world. My religion eventually crippled me by having me thinking that God will take care of me financially when that narrative only works if one of from a functional family that also comes with parents that guide and equip their kids with tools for the future... that’s just some thoughts, I know I still got to do something about my life. Ah, just some thoughts for the weekend.

#plan b #life is pretty complicated #seth godin #akimbo podcast #juxtaproseseason

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On money

I had a conversation with a colleague about the local economy.  I heard the economy was unstable but yet I wonder about it, cos’ from observation, most people around me seemed to be doing okay from the way they shop and dining out.  But come to think of it, what else could one do but to go on and hope the following day would be a step up from the previous one.   

Personally, it is hard for me to see my peers travel and splurge on expensive activities.  It is especially hard when I am invited to a meal or an outing that does not fit my budget.  I have become the petty, calculated friend that makes a lot of strange thinking noises while flipping through a menu or during a daydreaming vacation budgeting session with friends.  

I usually have no prob with money when I am in control of how I would spend it -- within the budget.  But it is when I am with other people, I feel shit about myself.  I wonder who’s the problem sometimes.

#money #budget #economy #wet blanket #sour grape #juxtaproseseason

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Photography

I rode the train this hazy morning leaving from my ex’s apartment.  While sitting in the quiet car accompanied by the humming of the cars on the rail, I looked out the window trying to find things that I could photograph and Instagram as part of my photography discipline.  I did not capture anything cos’ familiarity with the city had set in.  Also, I have trouble discerning what’s a worthy or unworthy subject.  I am also troubled by the performative nature of photography on Instagram.  Writing this seems to be shooting myself in the foot, cos’ I am aware of the problem with producing things for the social media, how it may have a corruptive element yet I give in and keep doing it anyway, a lot like me publishing my thoughts on Tumblr.  “Bang!”  A shot to my remaining good foot.

#photography #instagram #intentions #self-examination #juxtaproseseason