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#kaz brekker x reader
crowsmybeloveds · 2 days ago
When Am I Gonna Lose You?
Pairing: Kaz Brekker x Reader
Summary: Y/N comes down with an illness, and it takes a toll on Kaz
Word Count: 3.9K
Warnings: Sickness, Kaz’s trauma, probably poor editing?
A/N: omg this is my first time writing for Kaz so hopefully it’s okay 😬 (also for those of you waiting on the next chapter of my Jesper series it is in the works this fic just got stuck in my head so I had to write it) Feedback is much appreciated!!
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Someone had to guard the door tonight. Y/N couldn’t figure who it was supposed to be, but she knew it didn’t matter. Every once in a while people who were meant to guard the door didn’t show up to their shift or found something more interesting to do in the middle of it. She didn’t know if she felt that she owed it to Kaz or wanted to avoid whoever missed their shift getting punished, but something about leaving the door unattended made her stomach twist in anxiety. So, she took over the role herself.
She would much rather be out getting coffee with one of her friends, out at dinner with Kaz, or sitting in the chair by the window in his office, her nose stuck in a book. Instead, she was standing in the freezing rain, hoping someone might reappear at the door and get back to his job.
Her teeth were chattering, and her clothes completely soaked through when Jesper finally made his way back. He was under an umbrella, talking with a man she’d never met, but the smile dropped from his face when he noticed her.
“Saints, love,” he sighed, “you didn’t have to cover for me. I was going to be right back.”
She sniffed, brushing her wet hair back from her eyes. “It’s okay. I’m going in.”
Jesper frowned, eyeing her red nose and pale skin. “Go get yourself something warm to drink before you head to the Slat.”
She nodded and walked away, holding her arms close to herself in an attempt to keep warm.
The Crow Club was bustling that night, as many people snuck in to hide from the rain and then found that they enjoyed the games and drinks inside. Y/N spotted Kaz at a booth in the corner of the room, seated with Anika and Inej. She sighed as she walked over, her shoes squeaking with each step.
Kaz was going over plans for a job he was sending Anika and Inej on, trying his best to focus on the maps in front of him and not the fact that his girl should have been back nearly an hour ago. As much as he wanted to assume she was just caught in the rain, or lost track of time in a bookshop, his mind always feared the worst.
When they first agreed to be together, he had been a mess of dread and worry every second she was away from him. He knew that the Barrel was harsh for anyone, and that it would be worse for anyone who was with him. It was too easy to get to him through her. Now, nearly two years later, they had grown past his fits of anxiety, but that didn’t mean the sick feeling in his stomach everytime she was gone had just disappeared.
“Kaz,” her voice came out weak and raspy as she spoke. He jumped, having been so lost in thought that he hadn’t noticed her until she spoke.
His gaze softened when his eyes landed on her. He frowned at her wet hair and sickly, color-drained skin.
He got up from his seat, taking off his coat and placing it over her shoulders. Once she had it on, he rubbed his gloved hands up and down her arms, trying to warm her up. “Angel,” he muttered. “You should have waited it out.”
He thought she had walked back in the rain, not stood out in it for an hour. She shrugged, deciding it wasn’t worth correcting. “‘Was tired. Wanted to come home.”
Kaz nodded, his eyes drifting back to the table and the plans on it. He sat back down in the booth, pulling her with him. Inej and Anika gave her small smiles, greeting her as she sat down.
Y/N and Kaz had been together for a few years, and in that time they had helped each other with their traumas greatly. However, it was still a habit for her to sit a half a foot away from him, as she didn’t want to overwhelm him while he was working.
The club was alive around them, and Y/N found that she much preferred to watch the card game going on just in her field of vision than whatever Kaz was discussing with the others. She leaned her head on her hand, trying to ignore the chill settling her bones. Instead, she focused on the warm hues of the club, the warmth of Kaz’s jacket, and The scent of bourbon, smoke, and cologne that surrounded her. She wanted to go to her bedroom, read a book, listen to Kaz rant to her about an upcoming job, or just lay with him without saying a word. But he was working, and she knew she couldn’t bear to be apart from him any longer than she already had in one day.
After a short while, Inej and Anika left them, apparently deciding to leave the couple alone as soon as Kaz would let them. He folded up the map, observing his girl from the corner of his eye. He grimaced as he looked at her shivering form and drooping eyes, wrapping an arm around her waist and pressing a kiss to her forehead.
He froze.
She was still absolutely freezing, soaked hair dripping onto her forehead. Before he could even think about being concerned, his skin was covered in goosebumps and his mind filled with a dizzying panic. She felt wet and freezing. She felt like death. She feels like Jordie.
But she needs you. He knew that she needed to be warmed up. She was shivering more with each passing minute, and he had begun to fear she had hypothermia. But he knew he couldn’t do it anymore. Not with the horrible, unbearable images forming in his mind. Kaz felt wave after wave of nausea pass through him. The waters were rising.
And she noticed. The way his hands shook, his eyes flickering back and forth in panic. She sniffled, hurt seeping deep into her bones. She had always run hot, and though he never said it, she knew it was part of the reason Kaz had been able to feel her skin much easier than others. She was mentally berating herself, realizing that now she must have felt the opposite. Cold and lifeless. She knew he couldn’t bring himself to make her leave, and instead he was slowly sliding away from her without even noticing. She decided she would do the job for him.
As she stood up, his eyes widened in fear, and his voice came out in a rasp much shakier than normal. “I don’t know, I can’t -“
“It’s okay,” she mumbled, pulling his coat off her shoulders and placing it on the seat next to him. She gave him a small pained smile. “You don’t have to explain it. Get some rest tonight. I don’t want to deal with you being sleep deprived tomorrow.”
With that she was gone. Kaz gripped his cane as he debated going after her. Guilt flooded his veins as he realized what her words meant. She was going to see him tomorrow because she wouldn’t see him tonight. She was going to stay in her room. And for once, one of their problems had not begun because he was being too cruel or indifferent. It was because he was afraid.
And she knew she had caused it. She thought that she would help him by leaving him be for the night. But it just made him worse. How did she not know that she was the only thing that made the waters lower around his feet and evaporate into thin air? Now that she had gone, and had no intention of coming back, they were rising overhead, leaving him gasping as he tried to recollect himself.
“Wait,” Kaz’s voice came out strained. “Don’t leave.”
But she had probably already reached her bedroom. She was probably already asleep. Kaz struggled his way up the stairs of the Slat, reaching his office and kicking the door once he was inside. He looked at her untidy side of their bed, the book she had left on the chair by the window, and the scented candles she always lit when she thought the stench of the Barrel was too overwhelming. His soul ached for her. His brother’s body continued to pass through his mind. He took off his gloves, running a hand through his hair. He didn’t want to think about it. He couldn’t. Suddenly the pile of paperwork on his makeshift desk seemed a lot more appealing.
They both had restless nights of sleep. Y/N was tossing and turning on her cot all night, trying to fight off the chill in her bones and longing in her heart. She just wanted to sleep in her bed upstairs. But she also thought that he wouldn’t be able to be near her so soon again. She wanted so badly not to miss him, but it felt like her body was begging her to spring up the stairs into his office.
Kaz had passed out on his desk with bank statements and files as his stiff, uncomfortable pillow. When he woke up in the morning, he had slept two hours later than he normally had. And he hadn’t even woken up on his own. Instead, it was by Inej, who had tapped on his desk.
“Kaz, you need to wake up,” her voice came out gentle and calm, but her eyes betrayed her fear. Kaz groaned, not opening his eyes. Inej frowned. “Kaz, it’s about Y/N.”
His head snapped up, his eyes hard and determined as he looked up at her. “Tell me.”
While Kaz had been woken up this morning, Y/N hadn’t. The rain drops on her forehead had been replaced with sweat, and her once freezing skin was now burning to the touch. She was sick. So bad that Nina wouldn’t leave her side and no amount of medicine or heartrending was helping her to wake up. Instead, she rolled back and forth in bed coughing and sighing through a fitful sleep.
Kaz’s heart dropped as he watched from the doorway. Sickness had destroyed so much of his life, he would not let it take another person from him.
Nina turned to him. “Kaz, are you listening?”
He blinked a few times, regaining his state of mind. “What?”
“Do you know what happened to her?” Nina asked, exasperated.
Kaz went silent, thinking of the night before. Before he could come up with a response, Jesper spoke up from the corner. He looked worried, and paler than usual.
“Uh, well,” he said, his hand rubbing the back of his neck. “I left my post at the door last night —I swear it was only for a short while— and when I got back she was waiting for me.”
Kaz stiffened. “Sorry?”
“I didn’t ask her to, boss,” Jesper continued explaining. “She must have felt anxious about it. But the rain and the cold must have gotten to her, you know she doesn’t ever bring a coat when she should.”
Kaz glared at him, causing Jesper to sink back into the corner. “How many times have I told you not to leave -“
“Stop!” Nina shouted, her arms up in the air as she looked back and forth between her two arguing friends. “You two both know you don’t actually care how she got sick!”
“If he hadn’t -“ Kaz started, but Nina quickly cut him off.
“I don’t care! Do you want her to get better?” She asked.
Kaz spared his girl another glance, and immediately regretted it. It looked as if someone had sucked all of the life out of her normally colorful disposition. Everything about her had always seemed extreme to him. Her warmth, her patience, the feelings she gave him. But now it was extreme in the opposite way. She was cold and harsh. Normally looking at her would make him feel calm, now it made him sick.
His voice was raspy as he replied. “Yes.”
“That’s what I thought.” Nina nodded. “Now, I don’t know what’s wrong, so for now I’m going to keep her fever down and help her rest. Jesper if you could go out and buy some soup -“
Jesper quickly pushed himself off the wall in the corner, practically running to the door. He was halfway down the hallway when Kaz called after him.
Jesper crossed his arms as he came back to the room, ready to deal with the worst from his boss. However, when he got there, he didn’t see the glare or the scowl on Kaz’s face. Instead, the man was holding out a wad of kruge to pay for the soup, his worried eyes not leaving the girl on the bed.
As he took the money, he mumbled. “I’m sorry, Kaz.”
And then he was gone.
Nina looked up at Kaz while she held her hands over the sick girl on the cot. “It may just be from the cold, but in case she has the plague, I’m going to need people to stay out of here.”
“She doesn’t have the plague.” Kaz said, his voice hard. He was pulling up a chair next to the cot.
Nina persisted. “Kaz, I have no reason to say she doesn’t have it, so you should get out of -“
“She doesn’t have the plague.” He repeated. Nina would have asked again, but she was too shocked by the tone of his voice. This time he spoke, it was as if he was begging, not ordering. Nina couldn’t find it in herself to disagree with him.
Kaz put his head in his hands while Nina worked. The idea of her being sick made him feel anxious, but the fact that she might have the plague was killing him. She couldn’t die the same way Jordie did. And she couldn’t make other people sick that he cared about. He wouldn’t let it.
He would hire every single Grisha and doctor and Kerch if it meant she would get better. He was Kaz Brekker, and if he wanted something to happen, it would.
But looking at her, he couldn’t help but feel that this wasn’t true. He knew he could get anything he wanted, but never what he needed. What he needed was to get over his phobias, he needed to feel safe, he needed his brother, and those had all been taken from him. What was he going to do if she was taken from him too?
The next few days were absolutely torture. Nina tried her best to make the girl heal and rest, but her sickness had other plans. She continued to toss and turn in a fitful sleep, only waking up periodically to eat a bit, but she was too delusional to speak.
Nina had figured out that Y/N had the flu, but she was completely lost on why it was hitting her so hard. Or rather, she had a guess, but she didn’t want to say it out loud.
And Kaz hadn’t moved. His head lay on the edge of the cot, just far enough not to touch her, but he wasn’t asleep, he just could barely stand to look at her. At first, he was cursing himself, Jesper, and even Nina for letting her get like this. But now that days had passed and his girl had gotten worse and worse he had resorted to begging. He never believed in any higher power, but he would beg to every saint and deity he knew if it meant she might be okay.
He was absolutely drained, even more so than usual. Panic jolting through his nerves and nausea sitting at the pit of his stomach had kept him awake at all hours, unable to eat, drink, or even think. He hadn’t made a sound in over a day when he finally decided to speak again.
“Why isn’t she getting better?” He croaked, sitting up and staring at the woman beside him with red eyes.
Nina jumped in her seat, she could have sworn he was asleep. “It’s just the flu, but there’s a lot of reasons it could have gotten this bad.” She took a deep breath. “Um, her fever is very high when I’m not manipulating it, which is her body’s response to the illness. I imagine when she was in the rain it struggled to keep her temperature up. But, it also seems like her body didn’t have the nutrition it needed to fight off the illness.” Nina was momentarily silenced by the dark look that passed over his face. “Did she eat that day before she went to sleep?”
Kaz ran a hand over his face. Remembering how she came back after being out all day, how she always forgot to eat and he always reminded her, how she had gone upstairs and straight to bed when he couldn’t even look at her because of a bit of rain.
“No. Probably not.”
“It’s okay,” Nina said softly, noticing the unfamiliar glint of guilt in his eye. “She’s just tired. I think she’ll get better soon.” She brushed a piece of hair out of Y/N’s face. “She has to.”
Whether it was Nina’s tireless efforts or Kaz’s begging that did the trick, Y/N’s fever lessened greatly over the next night, and she fell into a peaceful sleep rather than the fitful, delusional bouts of rest she had been getting over the past couple of days. She had gotten so much better, in fact, that Matthias was able to convince Nina to go into her own room and get some rest.
Kaz, of course, stayed, though he felt some weight lift off his shoulder. He couldn’t think of anything other than wanting her to wake up. To see her smile, and hear her voice again. She woke up in the evening to grant him his wish.
Her eyes opened slowly, and though she remembered the events of the past few days, she found herself confused about where she was. She felt like shit, and her mind felt foggy, but she still found a clear line of focus.
“Kaz,” She whispered, looking at the man resting his head on her cot.
His head whipped up, his features visibly relaxing when he realized what was going on. He felt as if his nerves were draining out of his body. She looks healthy. She looks alive.
“I’m so hungry,” She spoke again, before grimacing at the pitchy sound of her voice. “Saints, I sound like a voice cracking little boy.”
A smirk formed on his lips, which he covered with his hand as he rested his elbow on the arm of the chair. “Maybe you should drink some water. Get something to eat.”
“You’re always telling me to do that,” she huffed, her voice still croaky.
“It is possible I would stop if you would stop being so stubborn and eat a meal for once.”
She sniffled. “What?”
Kaz rolled his eyes. “I said, it is -“
“No, sorry, I heard you,” she giggled. “It’s just sometimes when you tell me things I pretend I couldn’t hear you so I can hear your voice again.”
Kaz rubbed his eyes to cover up the flush that covered his face. Once he composed himself, he looked up at her, having to stifle a smile at her face peeking out of the thousands of blankets Jesper had piled on her. She yawned, and suddenly the bags under her eyes seemed so much more prevalent.
As Kaz frowned, Y/N observed him. Even in her cloudy-minded state, she could tell that he was not doing well. Something must have happened while I was stuck in here. The lines on his face seemed to deepen, and he kept having to brush his hair from his face.
She spoke up again, her eyes narrowed on him. “You look like you’re gonna pass out from sleep deprivation.”
“You're the one who’s been sick for days,” He scoffed. “If I’m sleep deprived then what are you?”
She pulled her blankets up further, nuzzling deeper into her pillow, as she continued to stare at him. A small smile had grown on her flushed face. “Well-rested.”
Kaz looked away, deciding that if he held eye contact for a second longer he might have actually lost his mind. He forced the smile that was growing on his face into a smirk, not wanting the girl to have the satisfaction of making him so endeared.
His train of thought was broken when she linked her pinky with his hand. He wanted to curse her for how attentive she was to him. They had gotten past the stage where all they could do was link pinkies a while ago, and yet she could tell by his body language that anymore right now would overwhelm him. He hated how easily she picked up on his emotions, considering how much he hid them. However, having someone understand him without questioning was something he was coming to love. Something he couldn’t live without. He had the air knocked out of his lungs again, thinking of how many times in the past week that he had to consider her death.
“Kaz, what happened while I was asleep?” Y/N asked, a concerned look on her face. She was done joking with him when there was clearly something wrong.
“Nothing.” He replied. A moment passed of her just staring at him with a disbelieving expression. “What?”
She blinked a few times. “Sorry, I just had a dream that you told me some absolute horse shit.”
He rolled his eyes. “I’m fine,” he insisted, looking away. “You’re the one who was sick. You’re the one who -“
His voice suddenly cut off, as if even his vocal chords couldn’t stand the tension he was causing himself.
Her eyes widened, filled with concern. “What, Kaz?”
He looked away from her. You’re the one who scared the shit out of me. He couldn’t keep himself above water this time, and if it weren’t for her light touch keeping him anchored to reality, he knew he would have drowned. He slipped his pinkie out of hers and grasped her hand tightly, his eyes glossed over. His voice cracked lightly as he spoke. “You looked just like him.”
Her heart dropped as she quickly sat up. “Kaz -“
“I felt just as weak as I did that day.” He said, his voice trembling in a way that had her heart beating a mile a minute. “That’s not supposed to happen.”
She frowned at him, hesitantly lifting her hand to cup his jaw. He shuddered at first, and she nearly pulled it away before he gripped her wrist with his free hand, keeping her there.
“I’m sorry.” She mumbled.
He gulped, daring to look in her eyes. “Don’t look at me like that.”
“Like what, love?”
“Like you pity me. It’s sickening.”
She sighed. “I care about you, Kaz. Don’t let your fear blind you to that.”
He closed his eyes, taking in a large gasp of air. Remembering who he was with. Feeling grateful she was okay. Allowing his love for her to calm him the way it always had. She observed him closely, tracing his cheekbone with her thumb. They stayed like this for a moment, before he suddenly pulled her into him by her wrist. His face was in the crook of her neck, gripping her like his life depended on it, taking deep breaths. After a few moments, he mumbled, as if reassuring himself, “You’re okay.”
She held him, running her fingers through his hair.
“I’m okay.”
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Kaz Brekker - Art Gone Wrong
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Masterpost of Masterlists
Shadow and Bone Masterlist
warnings: blood, mention of death
"this is an easy job. get in, grab the painting and get out." those had been Kaz's words. I was the only one on this heist.
next thing I had known was I was thrown against a wall, the painting in my grasp and a two innocent people were crushed under the exploding wall, guards, surrounding the area.
I had managed to get out with the painting, making my way back to the club before leaving the painting on Kaz's desk before I hid somewhere in the club, a hidden, rarely used room.
I sat in the corner, knees pulled to my chest, a book resting on my knees as I continued to read, hidden by the bookcase i had wedged myself between and the wall.
I ignored the door as it opened, someone walking it, looking around before walking out again, not noticing me.
it had been over an hour since i left the painting on Kaz's desk, I heard someone running down the street, shouting about what had happened.
"find her!" I heard a voice shout.
Kaz. he was looking for me...
I curled up tighter, my back resting against the bookshelf, hiding against wall.
"she doesn't want to be found Kaz! she made that obvious!" Inej shouted back.
"I don't care! find her!" I heard Kaz shouting again.
I pulled my knees closer to my chest, not even focusing on the words of my book now, the world swimming around me.
if I had been faster...
I focused on the air around me, taking a deep breath as I began to manipulate the air, protecting my image and making it even harder to find me, especially if someone actually paid attention to my hiding spot.
if I had been more observant...
the door opened again and I could here Jesper talking to himself.
"she's probably left the club, what makes him so sure she's still here?" he asked himself and I smiled faintly before I heard the door shut as he left, leaving me unseen.
I was grateful that they cared but I couldn’t cope with facing anyone at the moment.
I breathed out a sigh of relief, thankful I haven't been found yet, even though it was just a matter of time before i was.
maybe I could make a run for it, leave the club before the took a closer look in this room. there was a window across from where I was hidden and it was open. I could escape through there.
"face it! she's left!" someone else shouted at the man downstairs and I shifted, accidentally sending my book flying to the ground with a clatter.
the shouting downstairs stopped and I sucked in a deep breath, panic setting in.
"what was that?" I heard Inej ask.
"find that noise!" Kaz shouted and I reached forwards to grab my book.
"we've checked that room several times Kaz!" someone shouted, close to my hiding spot, the sound of the doorknob twisting as I made a split second decision, pushing away the book further into the room.
"you didn't look hard enough then. the noise came from here. here is where you'll find her" I heard Kaz and the door opened, making me rest my head on my knees, pulling my knees as close as I could, strengthening my air manipulation, hiding me.
I held my breath, eyes closed as I heard him turn in the room, scanning it.
"I know you're in here (y/n)..." I heard him say as he picked my book, scanning the title.
"i have your book. just drop the illusion" he commented as I held my breath.
I may be able to mask my physical display, but it was harder to mask my voice and breathing.
the room was dead silent, the both of us waiting for the other to make a move.
I let out a small sigh, letting go of the air, letting illusion fall as I kept my eyes closed.
"I didn't want to be found" I whispered, drawing his attention as I finally opened my eyes to look at him, watching him with a side look.
"what happened wasn't your fault" he spoke, sitting down beside me.
"it looks like Dirty Hands is finally wrong" I snapped.
"you're beating yourself up over something that you couldn't control." he returned with little heat as I sighed, dropping my head on my knees.
"I screwed up. if I had have just paid more attention they wouldn't be dead and I wouldn't have been almost caught." I explained, my fingers digging into clothing.
"there was nothing you could do. I shouldn't have sent you alone. we had faulty information." he said, holding my book out to me, watching as I took it, not meeting his eye.
"I could have used my science, Kaz. I could have done something." a broken sob left my lips as I closed my eyes, letting my head fall.
he sighed, sitting next to me, wrapping an arm around my shoulders as i stopped sobbing in shock.
number one rule of the club. He didn’t like touch.
and here he was, even with a long sleeve jacket on, he was touching me.
"kaz..." I mumbled and he sighed.
"you did the best you could with the information you had at hand." he comforted me quietly as I looked up.
"thank you...." I whispered.
and there we sat in silence for almost hours.
Kaz did care for his crows after all, even when he didn't show it often.
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By your Side - Chapter Three - Kaz Brekker x Reader
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Pairing: Kaz Brekker x fem!Reader AU: JordieLives!AU Series Genre: hurt/comfort & angst to fluff Summary: Kaz and you slowly start drifting apart, and he tries finding a way to keep you close, but an unexpected encounter changes everything. Series based on this post by @ilovemarvelanne1​ Warning: jealousy, mentions of alcohol, mentions of panic attacks, Kaz’s trauma, mentions of death and grief, minor injury, blood Chapter Word Count: 3 476
Chapter Two, Series Masterlist
Irritated Kaz watched the door to your room slam shut. His heart was still beating a little faster from having found the courage to try and compliment you, just like Inej had advised him too, but now it felt as if it had been stabbed. Had he said something wrong? Why had you ignored him? You had never ignored him before!
Hastily he made his way down to the kitchen, where, much to his luck, he found Inej.
“Did something happen with (y/n),” he asked her, sitting down on the chair opposite her, to stretch out his aching leg. The cold and wet air of autumn always caused the pain to worsen.
Inej looked up at him with sadness written all over her face.
“I told her about the heist, that you want me to join,” she answered.
“So? I told you she wanted to come,” Inej replied exasperated. “She’s disappointed that you chose me over her. I told you: You should at least have asked her-”
“And I told you that I won’t put her in danger!” Kaz’s voice had gotten louder without his intention.
Usually he always managed to stay collected, but the mere thought of you caged by the stadtwatch sent his mind into frenzy. Never would he allow you to meet such a fate.
“Maybe that’s what you should have told her,” Inej bit back. “Instead she now most likely thinks you prefer me over her.”
There was a moment of silence before Kaz spoke up.
“Is that why she just ignored me on the stairs?”
“She ignored you?”
Kaz nodded. “I said good morning, and wanted to compliment the pullover she was wearing. Like you said, complement her clothes as a start, but she just rushed past me!”
Inej sighed deeply. “You should just talk to her. If you are honest with her about how you feel, you’ll be surprised to find out that she probably reciprocates these feelings.”
Kaz scoffed. “You were not so sure about that yesterday.”
“Yesterday I haven’t seen her so disappointed about not having been chosen as a member of the crew for the heist.”
Kaz left Inej alone in the kitchen not long after. He tried to knock on your room to see if you were alright, but you did not answer, and later he learnt that Specht had seen you leave the Slat pretty soon after Kaz had joined Inej in the kitchen.
He spent the entire night planning out what to tell you, his heart anxiously beating in his chest. Again and again the same doubts rose to the surface of his consciousness. Was he even good enough for you? He pushed the intrusive thought aside harshly. He was Kaz Brekker. He was strong. If he was not a man deserving of you, he would become one who was. He was strong enough to do that. What did he have to offer you? Certainly not a safe and peaceful life. Not one filled with cuddles and kisses and lazy mornings in bed, limbs entangled and quiet giggles on your lips. He was a criminal. So were you. He could offer you nothing but the thrill of the life in the Barrel, not even a comforting good night kiss.
Or maybe he could. Had he not sworn to himself he would become a man worthy of your affection, should you be willing to have him? Did that not mean he would have to learn how to overcome his fear of touch, too? He had always felt it was easy to be close to you, easier than to other people. He had consciously moved his chair right next to yours, had leant into your space to test out his limits. You had never stopped him. When he had felt especially brave, he had patted your back appreciatively, ruffled over your hair or even rested a hand on your shoulder or kept his knee pressed against yours. He had always pulled away before the waters of panic had started drowning him, but that was where the difference was: With you it took the waters longer to start rising, to start pouring into his boots, to wet his socks. With other people it happened almost instantaneously, even when he was wearing his gloves. With you he had time, even if sometimes just a few seconds. So would he be able to offer physical comfort? Eventually. If you were willing to give him time to learn.
The whole night went by like this, and before he knew it, Inej slipped in through his open office window. While she was giving her report, there was a knock on the door, and just from the way the knuckles hit the wood, Kaz knew it was you.
He called you in, and did not miss the way your eyes wandered between Inej and him, before you told him you had just come to tell him about tonight’s patrol.
He nodded and let you talk, not even taking in half of what you were saying, while he tried to finally phrase a sentence that would give him an opening to talk to you.
When you had finished you took a deep breath.
“(y/n)-” he started out, but you interrupted him.
“I know. You need to talk to Inej.”
Your voice was bitter, and it seemed like you regretted the tone you had struck because a sad expression flashed over your features.
“Actually I-”
But you were already out of his office, leaving him disappointed, and Inej with raised eyebrows.
The next days were not better, no. In fact they were worse. The heist was drawing nearer, and Kaz needed Inej to keep an eye at the mansion so they knew the exact time the guards would change positions. Of course he knew that it made you feel even more left out, but he refused to allow you anywhere near the mansion where you could be more easily at risk.
Inej again and again tried to help him find a way to talk to you, but it seemed he had trained you too well; again and again you slipped away. And it did not just feel like the conversations with him were the only thing you slipped away from. You never stayed in his office anymore after giving your report, even when he made sure Inej was not there. He asked for your help with planning, but you only told him Inej would be better suited for that, since she was the one who later would be carrying out the plan too. You were slipping away from him, and Kaz hated it with his whole heart. Maybe he hated it even more than he hated Pekka Rollins.
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It was freezing cold outside. Winter had come early this year. Snow covered the roofs and streets of the Barrel, the canals were almost completely frozen over, and additional workers were needed in the harbour to help keep the ships from freezing in.
Kaz sat at the bar in the Crow Club, staring down at the amber coloured drink in his glass. It had been weeks since he had talked to you properly. By now you even handed in your reports as letters instead of dropping by in person.
Someone entered the Crow Club, causing Kaz to lift his gaze to be able to see who it was in the mirror over the bar. His heart jumped to his throat. It was you, patting snow off of your coat, and huffing from the cold outside.
Quickly he swivelled around in his chair, and waved you over. You stopped in your movements when you saw him, but then walked to where he was sitting.
“Join me,” he asked, trying not to sound too hopeful. Hope is a dangerous thing.
Reluctantly you placed your coat over the back of the bar stool by his side, only to climb onto the one next to it, so there was a free chair between the two of you.
That’s not gonna do, Kaz thought to himself. There’s still so much space between us. It feels wrong.
He waved over the bartender, and ordered a drink for you, well aware that you were watching him, probably wondering what he was up to.
“So,” Kaz started not quite certain what exactly he wanted to tell you. “Why exactly are you handing in written reports now?”
Kaz knew you had trouble writing. You had been taught how to read and write as a child, but on the ship you had spent most of your later childhood on, you had barely gotten the chance to use it. Now you read lots of books, and had become quite the fast reader, but you still had trouble writing. The words always looked a little crooked and unskilled, like the writing of a child who had just learnt the letters.
“It saves you time,” you answered after a short pause, causing Kaz to furrow his brows.
“It costs you time,” he countered.
You did not reply to that. He bit his lip.
“What happened between us,” he eventually asked. He hated talking about his feelings, it made him feel exposed and weak. But not having you close made him feel worse. “We were so close, and now… we’re like strangers.”
It felt like an eternity until you finally answered, your voice so quiet and hoarse that he had trouble understanding what you were saying over the chatter that slowly picked up in the club.
“I thought you didn’t want me around anymore.”
Kaz blinked. This was not what he had expected you to reply.
“Nothing could be further from the truth,” he heard himself answer.
It was not something he had wanted to say out loud, but seeing your reaction made him forget to regret the choice of words. Your head snapped up, and your eyes met his, a glow shimmering in them, which he had not even realised how badly he had missed. A smile was tucking at your lips, and Kaz found himself staring at it, mesmerized. What had he been thinking about working on his tolerance for physical touch? If he leant down now to kiss you, what would happen first: you pushing him away or the waters drowning him? Would he be brave enough to find out?
“I’ve missed you,” you whispered, averting your gaze embarrassedly.
Kaz, too, turned away from you, his cheeks suddenly burning with a rising blush. Nobody had ever made him blush before, but your simple admission of having missed him did.
I’ve missed you too, still do, Kaz thought, hoping that somehow you understood without him having to say it out loud.
Instead of saying anything else, you picked up the drink he had ordered for you, and took a sip. With a deep inhale you turned to face him again.
“You won’t believe what I saw in fifth harbour the other day,” you started, and Kaz could tell that there was concern mixed into your excitement. You obviously tried to start a conversation like one you had had hundreds of over the past years, but were scared he would shut you down.
He did not. He was not exactly listening either; too happy that finally you were talking to him again, too focused on the way your hair bounced when you gestured around, how your lips moved as you smiled. Had a picture been able to conserve the bright energy you were radiating, he would have learned how to draw just to be able to paint it.
Occasionally he nodded or hummed to show you he was paying attention, or asked little questions to coax you into continuing to talk, and at some point, when the club had grown too loud, he had slipped from his chair into the one you had thrown your coat over. This way he was finally closer to you. Sometimes, he made a point by bumping his knee against yours, just for a short moment. He wanted to learn how to enjoy your touch so badly that he could not wait to start learning. Sometimes you leant in a little closer to him, as if you were about to share a secret with him, and a whiff of your smell rose to his nose; the same smell that would always linger in his coat when he had covered you with it after you had fallen asleep in his office. Sometimes he would turn in his chair just enough, that for a moment his shoulder would brush against yours, long enough for a small bit of your body warmth to soak through the layers of clothes, but not long enough for him to worry about the waters starting to rise.
Outside the sun had long set, and at some point you had told him it was time for you to leave so you could do your job, climbing over roofs and listening in to secret conversations. But he had asked you to stay, insisting that just for tonight it might be excusable to not know every secret in town, and that the roofs were too slippery from snow and ice for even you to safely climb along them. The truth was that he simply wanted you to stay, wanted to spent more time with you, wanted to hear you talk for longer, and did not want you to slip away from him again.
The door to the Crow Club opened again, for what felt like the one hundredth time this evening, allowing a gush of cold wind to blow into the warm club. Kaz was sitting with his back to the door, something he usually hated doing, but tonight he could not care less. If someone came in to seek revenge on him, he trusted you to warn him in time. But those were not his thoughts now, as he watched you smile over a silly story you told him, trying to memorise the details of your face. Only when your eyes, which had been looking through the room, stopped at a person who had to stand close by the door, he got torn out of his thoughts that had been entirely occupied by you. Your eyes widened, and Kaz was not sure whether it was in a good way or a bad way, so he quickly turned around to see who you were looking at.
Kaz had been beat up many times in his life, but never had anything knocked the breath out of him as hard as the realisation that he knew the man who stood by the door now.
At first Kaz seriously thought that maybe he was actually asleep. The whole, beautiful conversation with you, in which you had made up with him, had only been a dream, and now a nightmare started seeping in. The person by the door did not look like the Jordie who Kaz remembered, but it was him, there was no doubt. He was older now, his face slimmer than that of the thirteen year old boy who had bought Kaz a hot chocolate whenever he was cold. In fact, the man by the door looked a lot like a younger version of Kaz’s father, looked a lot like himself. Perhaps his cheekbones were not quite as prominent, and there were a few nasty scars on his face, but all in all there was no doubt, no doubt whatsoever that the man by the door was the grown up version of the boy Kaz had been convinced had died.
A sharp pain suddenly shot through his system, and Kaz realised that he had crushed the glass he had been holding, shards of it cutting through his glove and into his skin.
No, this is no dream, he though, as he felt blood run down his fingers and seep into the fabric of the glove.
Maybe it was just a coincidence then. Someone who eerily happened to look like Jordie would have, if he had gotten the chance to grow up. But then the man took a few steps into the room, his eyes scanning the crowd, and Kaz gave up trying to find an explanation to why someone who was not his brother, but looked like him, had stepped into the Crow Club. There simply was none. None that could explain why the man moved just like Jordie had, held his head just the way Jordie had, had the same sparkle in his eye, just like Jordie had.
Kaz caved in, and allowed his world to tip over. He suddenly felt far dizzier than the little alcohol in his system would have justified, and was about to stumble off his bar stool, when a movement at his side startled him.
You had jumped up, and brushed past him, bolting right towards the man who could not be Jordie. Kaz felt a wave of sickness wash over him as he had to watch the man turn to you, and catch you in an embrace, spinning you around, and hiding his face into your neck, both of you clearly laughing.
The sounds of the world around him were drowned out by the rushing of blood in his ears. Whoever this man was, it was obvious he was much more deserving of you than Kaz was, than Kaz would ever be. Had Kaz ever made you smile as brightly as this guy? Would he ever be able to twirl you around like that, hide his face in your neck like that? No.
He was still staring at the mismatched pair, you dressed only in your usual blouse and trouser, the Jordie imitation more than a head taller than you, and wrapped in a warm coat and hat, the kind that was worn on ships. The man put you down on your feet, and you excitedly gestured over to Kaz, who had come to a fatal conclusion. Whoever this man was: it was obvious the two of you had past. And not only a past, but by the way you had greeted him, also a future. A future like he would never have with you.
Before he had finished the thought, you suddenly stood in front of him again, the man standing just a bit behind you.
“I need you to meet someone,” you excitedly bubbled, not noticing the way Kaz’s eyes were fixed on the man’s face. No, there was no other explanation than this really being Jordie. “He was my crewmate on the Wolfszahn for, gosh, over five years, I think. This is Jojo.”
The man smiled down on you fondly, not having taken his eyes off of you yet.
“Actually that’s just a nickname. My name’s Jordie Riet-”
The moment he looked up at Kaz, his voice died down. Realization settled over the two of them like a heavy blanket. For a long moment they stared into the eyes of the brother they had believed to be dead. Kaz felt like he was drowning, drowning in the sea that had almost killed him at nine years old. And this time there was no body he could cling to, no dead believed brother he could use as a support. Yes, you were there, alive and well, by his side. All he would have to do was stretch out his hand to you, to ask for you to help him, to hold him, to tell him the last eight years had been nothing but a terrible, terrible nightmare, and then surely the waters would back down as he hugged you, and reached out to pull Jordie in for a hug, too. But he was frozen in place.
It was Jordie who broke the silence between them. His voice was shaky, higher than when he had spoken just before. “Kaz?”
Subconsciously Kaz noticed you looking between them in confusion.
“You know each other?”
“Yes,” Jordie nodded, unable to take his eyes off of Kaz, “He’s my-”
“No,” Kaz spat, trying to stay enough in control to stop the swaying under his feet. “You’re dead.” He pointed at Jordie. Blood dripped from the glove where the shards of the broken glass had cut into his hand. “You died.”
“Oh saints, Kaz! You’re bleeding!”
He hardly noticed your worried exclamation. He needed to get out of here. Now.
Kaz ignored the way you tried to reach for him, ignored Jordie’s confused and shocked expression, ignored the dizziness, and headed straight for the door. As straight as he could with how much the ground was swaying underneath him, anyway. He had not even grabbed his cane to help him walk. He just needed to get away from here. Away from Jordie, away from the brother who had caused him so much trauma and pain, away from the man that already deserved you more than he ever had or ever would.
Chapter Four (05.12.2021)
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Series Taglist:  @messers-moony-lupin @deirdre-belle @brutal-in-here​
Picture Sources (edited by me): Canal, Freddy Carter, Ship in Fog, Ship in Harbour, Church in Fog
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ilovemarvelanne1 · a day ago
hey I’ve had a rough day of micro aggressions/straight up racist comments and I was wondering if you had smth with the crows? Like fluff or smth? Also ur awesome + accurate desi posts
Headcanons for being a desi and being part of the crows-Crows x reader!
Hello fellow desi love! aww thank you, ur really cool too! I was planning on writing this sometime and I figured I’d take the opportunity  to make you feel better. smh im so sorry you had to go through that :/. I hope you feel better<33(p.s, i’ve written some Kaz X desi readers if you want to check them out :P) This is a modern au where India exists and is near Ravka! also this short and im so sorry!
Taglist: @messers-moony-lupin @sirisuorionblack @scandalous-chaos @staytrueblue
-Okay so obviously the FOOD! The aloo, the chicken curry, the naan, the paratha, the subzi oml.
- Inej LOVES the food and always asks you to teach her to make panner ki subzi. Jesper loves the chicken curry and naan, and always, ALWAYS has atleast four naans everytime.
-Kaz and Matthias cannot handle spice.At all.
-Wylan loves aloo! Nina loves the SWEETS. God the rasmalai, she gobbles it up and asks for seconds and thirds.
-Gaali’s(swear words). XD 
-when they hear that they know that you’ve stubbed your toe.
-You give Kaz Zandu Balm for his knee and he has never been more grateful
- You were invited for a wedding back home and immediately knew that you would take them along.
-Inej and you helping Nina get a good lehenga or saree.
-Inej wore a dark blue lehenga and Nina wore a maroon-ish saree, she was a bit sad when you told her she couldn’t wear red.
-”Kaz! You put in on backwards!”
-Assuming bollywood music is played, Inej, Nina, Jesper and you, dancing to ‘Gallan Gooriyan’, ‘London Thumakda’ and a lot more.
- Going to different sights and eating street food.
-Matthias choking on a Pani-Puri, while Kaz is dying because it’s spicy and Jesper shaking his head. White ppl. Nina and Wylan enjoying Bhel Puri. Inej and you having one of each. 
-Going to different sights.(ur in hyderabad cuz im hyderabadi and I need representation). Qutb Shahi tombs, museums, CHARMINAR.
-Every morning, it’s a ritual for Kaz to make a cup of chai(you taught him) for everyone and disappear into his office, taking a packet of Parle-G with him.
-Wylan loving the music, how people play the flute so beautifully.
At the end of the day, they couldn’t be more grateful for having their Desi girl and they love you appreciate everything you do for them.
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gemma-collins-ily · a day ago
This prompt; 39•"The first lesson I learned was never to wait for a man's rescue." with Matthias or Kaz, please? I’ve said this before, and I will keep saying it, I’m fully and utterly in love with your writing
Surprise Was Key
a/n - I think this is sort of all over the place and I'm sorry, both for the delayed response and the poor quality! Hope you still love it though!
Prompt: "The first lesson I learned was never to wait for a man’s rescue."
Warnings: one sentence about drinking (last paragraph), description of blood, fighting, not sure what else.
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No one was coming to save you.
No one ever would - it was what had been written in the stars, what had been etched into the ancient dialect of your life so long ago - it was unavoidable.
From the moment you could talk, even before that when you could only babble and wail, you were told one thing: you should never wait for anyone.
Your tale was one of misery and sorrow, a story of such derelict love that had long since bloomed and withered, now far past its prime. The petals were no longer brushed with sunset gold, rather a deep beige starting from within.
All throughout your life, that beige had been spreading, folding outwards, infecting you and stripping you of all optimism.
If anything was to be done, you would do it and do it properly.
From your first moment of comprehending, it had been reiterated over and over just how alone you were and how alone you would forever be.
The stars had gifted you your fate, and the stars were the one constant that never changed. They were always looming over Ketterdam, spying through the clouds and smog, judging those who stated they did no wrong.
The stars were there even as everything changed, as all you loved left and those you detested stayed. It was tedious after a while, the pain no longer so prominent and instead a dull ache, one that would diffuse through your entire being, reverberate through your bones.
You were alone, and alone was all you would ever be.
Love faded and agony dulled, so much so that a death would never make you twitch a muscle, hardly bat an eye at such momentous news.
You remembered how someone who was closest to you was only a deceiver, only there for information on all the secrets you knew. They had taken advantage of you and you felt nothing.
"You ruined me."
The animosity was clear in the snarling tone of the spitted statement. Really, it was a fact.
You had ruined them, and they, you. It wouldn't have been so long before you developed into a hurricane together, became a tumult of anger and rage.
It had been love once but as you looked back, you couldn't find it in yourself to care that it wasn't any longer.
The younger version of you, the innocent little child had been peeping in through a window, neatly packed away into a small pocket of yourself, having no input or say.
That child was horrified at the prospect of you ever deeming that person unimportant, concerned at the thought you could ever be on the opposing team.
You had always belonged together, that too was predicted and out of your younger self's hands, but what did it matter?
They were eradicated.
You wouldn't let anyone control you, would rather suffer through anything possible than allow your life to be taken by a course you couldn't influence.
And maybe, controlling that edict of you wasn't an ability you had however, you could indeed change it.
It was like the theoretical idea of the train tracks: one lever to change it all, to divert the train so it hit less people, yet more personally significant ones.
Once, you would have futilely attempted to find a way out with limited bloodshed. Now, you were ruthless and cold, and it would do no good to sacrifice others for someone you didn't care for anymore anyway.
Ruined them you had and would continue to.
"That's the truth of the world. No one is saved, all are offered to it for tearing apart. I just made your end a little quicker. Merciful, if you ask me."
And suddenly, a dagger was drawn, your head ricocheting against the bricks as you clattered to the wall, chin pointing upwards and head elevated as a singular bead of crimson rolled over your skin. You paid no mind and continued.
"That's how it works. Kill or be killed. There's no such thing as mercy and no such place for a heart like yours in Kerch, or anywhere. You aren't a school child anymore, Bellamy."
All were forged by the flames of life that would lick deviously for eternity; some were just much more adaptable and malleable.
And as you flipped yourself over, towering over your opponent, you didn't care. You felt nothing.
And you felt nothing as you stabbed the blade of your own sword through your sister's gut. Nothing as her face grew pallid, her eyes drew to a close.
That was her final curtain, and your show was only beginning.
If you did something, it was always going to be by yourself and for yourself.
It was no use handing out favour after favour in the Barrel, a location of such destruction and melancholy. Sometimes, you thought it strange and difficult to comprehend, the tiny dot of bleeding navy ink on parchment symbolising such a place.
You were independent, fully as soon as you could toddle even just one step. Your innocence was never fully there, exposed to the issues of the world, not at all sheltered like the other kids.
And now, in your current situation, you tugged on that thread of independence, that spindled thread that was connected to an entire web of self-preservation.
You were against three men, hands tied and resting just in the dip of your back, legs stretched before you and firmly knotted with rope at the ankles.
For the past hour, your cramping fingertips had slipped over the penknife obscured in your back pocket. They had finally closed over the object and you brought your hand upwards, flicking your wrist in a horrendously uncomfortable way.
You ignored it.
The cord frayed and became thinner, you eventually deciding to just get on with it. This meant your hands were suddenly and sharply pulling apart from each other, the binding snapping swiftly.
The knot on your ankles was shorn gradually every time the men looked away, which was often, and not at all surprising. They were clearly lazy from the start and probably getting payed little to none for this, therefore, they didn't keep an actual close watch.
Instantly, not giving yourself any time to properly rest, you launched upwards and got into a fighting stance.
The element of surprise was key.
You arm swung around to drag the knife over the nape of the first man's neck, him falling to the ground after just one cut.
Your blade stabbed into the next's stomach, he too dropping to the floor. The third had more time to prepare and was a little harder to beat.
So, you ran to the window, let him be uncoordinated and reckless with his following of you, stepping out of the way as his momentum propelled him through the glass.
Though, his hand snatched upon your wrist, forcing you with him. Simple answer. Your right hand, the one free from the man's vice-like grip, clung onto the top of the window frame as your whole body hung outside the building, digging into the jagged wood even as you felt the splinters pierce your flesh.
You would save yourself, just as you always had.
You dangled there by one arm, shaking the man holding your wrist violently, he only grasping tighter, clawing, it being his only salvation.
Two words fell from your lips that made the man beneath you freeze and become pallid in complexion, "Too... Bad."
And he fell just like those words had so easily rolled off your tongue.
You lifted your torso, like you were planning to do a pull-up, before entering feet first back through the window, tuck and rolling, that allowing you to smoothly jump to standing, safely inside the room.
You must have looked quite the state, hair askew and blood spattered over you. At least you looked better than the corpses on the floor - though, you could have done that any day.
"Shame they had to be so messy about it."
An astonished gasp sounded, you swivelling to see Jesper, his mocha eyes scanning over the scene. Kaz was beside him, a smirk manipulating his features.
"Couldn't you have waited? Felt like a bit of fun today."
He had truly desired to maim and destroy those who dared to hurt you, all of him screaming that he should crush them beneath his shoe. It seemed you had done it for him.
"The first lesson I learned was never to wait for a man's rescue. And you, my dear Kaz Brekker, are no pardon nor exclusion to that."
All that was given your way was a nod, and later that evening, you also mysteriously discovered a drink already paid for waiting for you at the bar.
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hufflesight · 2 days ago
Okay so I see requests are open and I love your stories. I also know you like to write based on songs. Would you be willing to write a story for Kaz/Reader based on Bruises by Lewis Capaldi. I personally think the chorus really fits with Kaz’s backstory. I know the song has a sadder tone to it but happy endings are always appreciated lol (no matter what you write it’s amazing though). Also if you don’t like this at all please don’t feel obligated to write it.
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Description: Kaz goes on a revenge quest, but things go wrong.
(MY FIRST ANON REQUEST LOVE YOU WHOEVER YOU ARE <3 and thank you! I'm so glad you like my writing and I hope this is something like what you were hoping for! I tried to keep the ending... up for interpretation.)
(Sorry I've been inactive for a bit; I'm in the US so we just had thanksgiving so my life has been a bit hectic)
Warnings: Drowning, ptsd, Kaz's past
Words: 1,485
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Counting days, counting days
Kaz Brekker stood in his office, looking down at his desk. He was supposed to be studying the blueprint that lay there, but his eyes wouldn’t focus. It wasn’t the fact that it was well past midnight. Kaz was more than used to sleepless nights. No, this was something else, another force causing lines on paper to blur in his gaze. He knew what it was, but even naming it silently in his mind hurt, felt like being split in two. Him, Dirtyhands, Bastard of the Barrel; and then who he was with her. With Y/n, he had been loved.
Since my love up and got lost on me
And ever since she’d left, it felt like the only thing he wanted to do was chase that feeling, to chase her, into whatever unknown she’d run off to. But he couldn’t, wouldn’t do that to her. She’d wanted to leave, and so she’d left. Wasn’t that something he’d always admired in her? Her ability to just follow her gut, do what she felt was best? It wasn’t his fault she’d gone; it was merely his fault for making her want to go. There was nothing he could do now but move on.
Yet here he stood, months later, and his eyes still blurred, mind still lost in memories of her smile.
And every breath that I've been takin'
Since you left feels like a waste on me
A small squeak of glass on glass was the only announcement of Inej’s entrance to the room. Kaz turned around to meet her, fixing his coat as he did. Just because he was miserable didn’t mean she had to know it. He took a deep breath, masking it as a cough, before indicating to Inej to speak.
I've been holding on to hope
That you'll come back when you can find some peace
“Kaz… I just found her. The target you specified.”
He raised his eyes to the map of Ketterdam on the wall. Finally, his eyes focused. Finding this woman, finding Ophelia Roberts, was the only way to chase Y/n without actually stalking her. 3 months ago, someone had attempted to break into the Crow Club. That was a pretty normal occurrence. What wasn’t normal was when the man wrapped an arm around Y/n’s throat, pressing a gun to her temple. An instinct had awoken in Kaz, and not a single thought ran through his mind as he raised his own gun up, and in the shadow of the column, shot it. It should’ve hit him straight in the heart. It should have set Y/n free.
And it would’ve, if it wasn’t for Ophelia. A Fabrikator, she’d plucked his bullet from thin air in the smae institute she’d stolen the gun from the intruder’s hand. There she’d stood, in the center of a hushed Crow Club, acting the hero. And there he’d stood, gun in hand.
Y/n’s eyes had darted between them, Kaz, armed to shoot the man, and Ophelia, gracefully holding the man’s gun in her grip. Violent. Peaceful.
Kaz couldn’t even blame Y/n for running for peace.
But he couldn’t change himself, and peace and violence couldn’t co-exist.
And if Inej’s lead was correct, Kaz and Ophelia wouldn’t have to for long.
“Where did you see her?”
'Cause every word that I've heard spoken
Since you left feels like an hollow street
Kaz trudged down the cobbled road, cane clacking against the ground with each step. Each brick he crossed, each door he passed, brought his simmering rage closer to a boil. By the time he reached the empty construction site Inej had reported Ophelia walking toward, he was grimacing. Not from pain, but from pure intent. Ophelia would pay.
The streets were empty, a sense of foreboding filling the empty silence.
I've been told, I've been told to get you off my mind
But I hope I never lose the bruises that you left behind
But then a shadow crossed his vision. A shadow he could probably recognize anywhere. Kaz Brekker had a good eye. But when the woman he had --no, did-- love was involved, he could spot her from a mere glimpse of her hair.
When his thoughts were filled with memories of her, though, he hesitated. Maybe he shouldn't be here. Maybe he had it all wrong. Maybe peace and violence could live together. Maybe--
Hands wrapped around his wrists.
“Got you, Brekker.” A voice whispered into his ear.
Oh my lord, oh my lord, I need you by my side
He was yanked back, cane laying forgotten on the ground. In an act of desperation, Kaz called out, in a hushed yell, Y/n's name. He almost thought he saw movement in the dark shadows, perhaps someone turning to the sight of him being dragged backwards, before he was knocked out, the world descending into blackness.
There must be something in the water
'Cause everyday it's getting colder
Kaz awoke with a start, instinctively pulling backwards as he gathered his bearings. He was in what appeared to be a small room, bare apart from the large tub of water. The ice cold water he was mere inches away from. He was kneeling, staring at the crystal clear water before him.
As he began struggling, attempting to get out of the bonds that held him, Kaz heard a sound behind him. Footsteps.
“You know, Brekker, you’re a hard man to follow.” A man’s voice resonated through the room. “Even harder to gain an upper hand on. All those months ago, when I broke into the crow club, I thought I had you figured out. ‘A woman,’ they all said. ‘Kaz Brekker is in love with a woman.’ It took some digging, sure, but I found her. Oh I discovered your precious little secret like it was nothing. And then… unexpected events took place.”
Things started to organize themselves in Kaz’s head. This was the man. The man who’d attempted to take Y/n hostage. He still couldn’t quite place the tub of water before him, though.
“But then- then Y/n L/n ran. She ran. And I had to find another weakness in the Bastard of the Barrel. Kaz Brekker. Or, should I say, Kaz Rietveld?”
Kaz’s head shot up at that. No one. No one knew of his real name. Kaz Rietveld had died that day. Kaz Brekker was born. The water was rippling, it’s smooth surface startled after the jerk of his head. He had a theory about the water, one forming in the back of his head.
“Yeah, that's right. I know about your past. Because I thought this through, Brek-- Rietveld. Ophelia got in the way the first time, but this time, she’s with me. So, Kaz, are you ready to sell the Club to me?”
“If you know anything about me, you should know that’s not going to happen.” Kaz said, voice cool even as he figured out what the water was for. No one knew of his fear of touch, but there was another part of that fateful night. The water. The sea.
A hand grabbed the back of his neck. He flinched, but the man’s grip was too strong.
“We’ll see how you feel in a minute.”
His head was plunged into the freezing cold water.
And if only I could hold you
You'd keep my head from going under
Ice water on all sides. Kaz Rietveld clinging to his brother’s body for dear life as the cold sunk through his bones. His hands tied behind him. A cold hand reaching up from under the water. A grip around his neck. His head under the water. Drowning. Air. Jordie. Cold. Dead flesh. AIR--
Air rushed through his lungs as Kaz’s head was pulled out from the water. His eyes were shut tight, as though that would fight off the horrors being generated by his mind. The hand on his neck, the water dripping from his hair. The hand on his neck-
Maybe I, maybe I'm just being blinded
By the brighter side
Kaz flung his eyes open at the slight pattering of nearly silent feet on cobbles met his ears. A second passed, before the door swung open. And there she stood in all her glory. Y/n.
Another second pass, and the man was on the floor, his grip on Kaz’s neck long since forgotten. Kaz shivered. This man knew everything about him, and Kaz didn’t even know his name.
As Y/n sawed at his ropes with her knife, he stayed silent. But when he was freed, finally he spoke.
It's your love I'm lost in
“Y/n… I don’t blame you, can’t blame you. But, if you felt I- felt I deserved it, please give me another chance. Just one more.”
Y/n smiled.
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ace-in-a-shopping-cart · 13 hours ago
Summary: Someone breaks into Reader’s dorm room and the first thing they can think to do is see Kaz for comfort. Note: The cheese sticks are mozzarella sticks but *fantasy*. Word Count: 2,569 CW: Food, brief mention of alcohol, breaking and entering, blood, talk of violence, minor cursing
Y/N dragged their feet up the last flight of stairs. Breathing a sigh of relief, they pulled their pack off their back and let it hang on one arm as they pulled their room key out of a pocket. They went to put it in the lock but the door swung open slightly at their touch. The bag was pulled back onto their shoulder and the key was held like an ice pick before they stepped inside. They might have just forgotten to close it but they were dating Kaz Brekker, they’d hoped they were a bit less naïve than that. 
They almost dropped to the ground and cried when they saw the inside of their dorm room. Every object Y/N owned was thrown to the floor, their furniture overturned, and their doors were off their hinges slightly. Luckily, barely anything seemed broken from their position in the doorway but Y/N was unwilling to go deeper inside to check anything.
Instead of breaking down like they so desperately wanted to, Y/N wiped their hands over their face and took a deep breath, reining in their emotions until they felt mostly stable. They made sure to lock the room up tight despite that small voice in the back of their mind telling them it was no use, and made their way back down the stairs to the front of the building. Y/N thought about where to go but the stadwatch wouldn’t do anything about this. Y/N was only here on scholarship, not the child of a rich merch who would bribe or threaten the stadwatch to find who did it. There was no use going there. So, they went to the next logical choice and the place their heart screamed to go: the Crow Club.
Their feet ached by the time they walked in the door but Y/N’s heart soared at the feeling of protection and comfort that came from just entering the place still bustling with life. It might have been almost sundown, but that was when the crowds were just starting to trickle in. Y/N wanted to go straight to Kaz’s office and tell him what happened but they knew he was probably out on business. Even so, they still had homework that needed to be done.
They approached the bar and slid onto a stool briefly, pulling their pack into their lap to pull out their wallet and keep it firmly in their grasp. The bartender glanced over at them and nodded, indicating she would be with them in a moment.
The bartender, a lovely Kaelish girl named Sara, smiled at Y/N. “What can I get for you?” She frowned slightly at the wallet. “You know you get your orders for free, you’re the Boss’ person.”
Y/N smiled, leaning forward slightly and pretending they hadn’t just sat through two lectures that were both three hours long and had another four hours at least of homework ahead of them. “I know, I just always feel bad about not paying for things. I get Kaz to reimburse me for it later, don’t worry.” They really didn’t, but it made them both feel better to keep that lie going.
Sara nodded. “Alright then, what can I make for you?”
“I’ll get a virgin Mermaid Punch, heavy on the pineapple, and an order of cheese sticks.”
Sara listed the price and Y/N handed her the money before putting their wallet away, holding their bag to their chest. A few minutes later, their drink and food were being placed down in front of them. Y/N thanked Sara and slung their bag over their shoulder before grabbing their order, weaving through the crowd to get to a booth hidden in the back of the bar seating area.
It didn’t take Y/N long to get set up with everything they needed, soon munching on the snack that always reminded them of home and reading through their textbook. It was, admittedly, hard to focus around all the noise from the happy drunks and the gamblers in the other room but they didn’t mind all that much.
A hand knocked thrice on the table, causing Y/N to raise their head. A smile crossed their face when they registered who was standing before them, one hand on his cane. “Kaz! What brings you to this little corner of the establishment?”
Kaz didn’t smile, he rarely did in the club unless in the midst of a deal, but his eyes twinkled in that special way they did when he was looking at Y/N. “Sara told me where to find you.” He glanced around for a moment. “The office is always open to you, just go there instead of sitting here. Even if it weren’t, your dorm is available and so is the library.”
Y/N’s smile softened, turning amused rather than simply glad to see him. “Aww, are you worried about my studies?”
“Simply confused at your actions.” He nodded his head toward his office and stepped back, indicating for them to follow him.
Y/N nodded and started packing up. They grabbed their drink and the last of the food before hurrying to match his long stride. Kaz unlocked the office and opened the door, stepping aside so Y/N could enter first. They tilted their head down in thanks before settling down in the small armchair in the corner, placing their drink on a tiny table nearby. Kaz sat down at his desk and started looking over the club’s records for the past day or so as Y/N pulled their books back out and kept studying. 
This was a time they loved the most but happened rarely, when they were able to exist in the same room as Kaz for a time without interruption. Usually, people were clamoring for his attention or Y/N had to head back to their dorm or another class. The couple usually were only able to meet in the dead of night or on lunch dates. It was rare Y/N was able to come to the Crow Club, even rarer they were able to spend time with Kaz in his office.
After finishing their homework for one class, they started on the work for the second class, their drink finished by then. Kaz came and went, either grabbing certain reports or doing meetings with important people or his gang. On one such trip out, he retrieved their cup and brought it back to the bar for them. The hours ticked by, less work needing to be completed by the second. Y/N did everything they were able to and shifted to reading, pulling out a book they kept in their bag and, when they finished that, reading something random pulled from Kaz’s shelf. That’s how they found he had a very broad taste in literature and started browsing his shelves. It was intriguing to know just how literate he was and how widely read he seemed to be.
The door opened, Y/N’s back turned to it as they read something by the shelves. Kaz’s cane tapped on the floor as he approached and hovered over their shoulder. “I thought you would have gone home by now.”
Those words reached Y/N and an image of their destroyed rooms came unbidden to mind. Tears sprang to their eyes and they shut the book, keeping their back to Kaz and trying to keep their voice even. “I wasn’t sure how much more time I would be able to spend with you. I’ve finished everything I needed to do and don’t have anything else pressing.”
Kaz chuckled. “The club is closing for cleaning and resetting. I’m heading back to the Slat soon.” He hesitated slightly, as he always did when trying to initiate something romantic. “Would you like me to walk you back to your dorm room? Make sure you get there safely?”
Y/N nodded, starting to pack their bag. Surreptitiously, they tried to wipe their eyes so Kaz wouldn’t see. “I’d really love that.”
Kaz’s cane came up, blocking their path. “Talk to me. What’s wrong?”
Y/N took a deep breath, willing the tears to stop. “Why would something be wrong?”
“I could go into all the little signs but suffice it to say that I know you. Don’t make me ask again.”
“I-” they could barely get the words out before they were choking on their tears. They took a moment and tried again. “I didn’t want to go back because-because my dorm got-got broken into.” They managed to get the sentence out, broken up by sobs they tried to push down. The feeling of horror hit them like a brick as it truly set in that their most private space, the place that was supposed to be a sanctuary they could relax and be themself in, had been broken into and ransacked. Real people, meaning to harm them most likely, had been in that space and handled their items without any care at all. It caused them to stagger, hand reaching for the armchair to steady them.
Kaz’s gloved hand reached for their elbow, steadying them and providing the small bit of comfort he was able to. “Are you sure? Was it your room specifically?”
All Y/N could do was nod, tears coursing down their cheeks. “Most of my stuff was on the floor, I don’t know how much was broken.”
When they looked up at him, Y/N found a hard look in Kaz’s eye that promised vengeance. “Okay, I’m definitely walking you back now. Come on.”
Y/N finished packing their pack and Kaz grabbed it, slinging one strap over his shoulder before heading toward the door. Y/N hurried to keep up, tugging on their bag slightly. “You don’t need to carry it, I can do it.”
He didn’t respond, simply kept walking. After one more try, Y/N gave up and just walked beside him. About halfway back to the dorm, Kaz protecting them in the smallest ways, he spoke again. “Would you like a bodyguard?”
Y/N startled slightly. “Hmm? What? Why would I need a bodyguard?”
Kaz ignored the question and continued. “I can enroll one of the younger Dregs that could room near you and take the same classes or ones nearby.”
Y/N shook their head. “No, that won’t be necessary. I was just scared today, that’s all.”
Kaz nodded and took a side alley, looping around on a detour. They stepped into a locksmith shop and Kaz swiftly found a padlock that, after a few seconds of tugging on, he nodded and bought along with a chain lock and a few others. He placed them in the pack and continued on, soon helping them into a boat and rowing down the canals. Y/N was curious but knew better than to ask, knowing they would only get silence in response. Kaz always had a plan and would reveal it in time.
They arrived back at the dorm, the stairs not being nice to Kaz’s leg, and Y/N let them in. Tears sprang to their eyes again when they surveyed the damage but Kaz just set his jaw and got to work. He rummaged around in a drawer until he found a few tools. “Go ahead and start trying to set the place to rights.” His voice was hard, not leaving any room for argument. As if he were on a job with the Crows and their lives relied on blind compliance.
Y/N felt a sense of relief, grateful that Kaz was going to take charge and make everything okay. They started with surveying how much was damaged or moved, setting what furniture they could back to rights. In the entryway, they could see Kaz setting the new locks into place, boring holes in the door and jamb to put some of the locks in. Going to the bedroom, Y/N looked at the damage there. It was both worse and less than the sitting room. Even the bed hadn’t escaped the whirlwind that had passed through, the sheets rumpled and pulled up in spots, the mattress askew.
Y/N started with the bed, setting it as the radial point of the room. The sheets were easy to fix, as was setting the mattress to rights. Grabbing a broom and dustpan from the hall closet, they started with getting everything onto the bed and sorting what was broken, what was salvageable, and what was missing.
By the time they were finished, Kaz was setting the rest of the sitting room to rights and had put a kettle on the small cookstove. Y/N stretched, hands going to the small of their back, and leaned against the bedroom door jamb, just watching. Kaz managed to lift a chair and set it upright, twisting it this way and that before stepping back, looking like he was remembering how it was the last time he had visited. Y/N smiled at the care he took with their things.
Kaz glanced over at them and smiled with true laughter, a gesture only they got to witness most days. “How does it look?”
Y/N would have given everything in the world to have been able to cross the room and slip their arm around his back in that moment, to lean on him and bask in his protection and warmth. Instead, they moved to stand beside him and briefly rested their head against his shoulder. “Perfect. Thank you so much for all the help.”
Kaz nodded. “Is there anything else that needs to be done?”
Y/N squared their shoulders and took a breath. “I haven’t even looked in the bathroom yet and I’m kind of scared to. That’s where something’s most likely to be broken.”
Kaz strode over to the bathroom door and opened it, looking inside. “Barely anything’s touched in here, it seems. Whatever they were looking for, it wouldn’t have been in here.”
Y/N breathed a sigh of relief. Kaz glanced into the bedroom, where almost everything was set back to rights. Y/N came to his side. “A few things were broken in there but nothing that can’t be fixed.”
Kaz nodded before straightening, stepping away slightly. “Come see the new locks.”
He went through how to unlock and lock each one and even how to pick each one, saying he got the best locks to date. “I’ve installed three additional locks. It’s best to have at least two locked at all times so if anyone tries to pick them or clone your keys, two locks will always be locked. Keep the chain on the hook when home.”
Y/N smiled at that, his way of showing his affection and worry. “Got it.”
Kaz nodded and picked up his discarded coat and hat. “I’ll post a spider rotation outside your window for a few more days.” He didn’t give them the option of disagreeing, not putting it up for discussion. With that, he left.
A few days later, Y/N got a note delivered by one of the Spiders. It was slightly blood stained but the ink was still readable: They won’t be bothering you any more. By the end of the week, half the city knew not to touch Y/N or there would be hell to pay.
Taglist (Check out my masterlist before sending an ask to be added!): @lou-hadrian-gardna26, @ilovemarvelanne1
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godwick · 8 hours ago
-: ✧ :-゜・.kaz brekker x reader
⋇⋆✦⋆⋇ kaz makes an offer you can't deny
The day you met Kaz Brekker, the stink of the harbor had been overwhelming. The salt-tinged air combined with the humidity of summer, you'd nearly considered throwing yourself into the water despite being unable to swim.
You were hungry, the last of your money running out days before. The food you spent it on going the morning before. You, a child of thirteen, had nothing left but the clothes on your back. Pekka Rollins has sent for you the day before, a bed at the Emerald Palace with your name on it if you chose to accept.
It was everything your sister told you to avoid. Men and women who would take advantage of lost, poor, broken souls in their times of desperation and when they hadn't known any better. When they had to choose between starving alone on the streets of Ketterdam or a life of servitude. In those moments, you were ready to cut your losses. To convince yourself you'd be in and out in less than a year. That you would go anywhere you pleased afterward. To Ravka, Shu Han, or even Fjerda.
In times of desperation, stuck between a rock and a crashing sea, it was easy to convince yourself both options didn't reek of shit. You'd pulled yourself from the ground of the alley, dirt covering your face. It was buried deep in your nail beds, the sight of them broken and dirty causing you to inwardly wince. You could practically hear your mother's voice, scolding.
If only she could see you now.
"And are you the witch?" You whirled toward the voice, standing at the other end of the alley as they leaned against a cane. "No," Your heart skipped in your chest. "I have to get going,"
Their cane moved, cutting off your path. "Pekka Rollins," There was no warmth when he said the name. "Will use you until the day you die. He'll take everything you have and everything you own. I can offer you something better,"
You narrowed your eyes. "And why would you do that?" There was always a clause in Ketterdam. No one did anything for free. Especially not for girls with tangled hair, sad eyes, and dirty skin. "Greed, of course,"
Now, three summers passing since, you walked beside Kaz. His cane made a sharp sound each time it hit the mismatched cobblestoned streets. Over the years, when a brick had fallen loose, it had been either ignored or repaired with something else. Red, green, purple, and black could be periodically seen throughout.
"Jesper said you were searching for me," You said blandly. You'd spent the night before with Nina, watching as she used the Small Science. It had always interested you. Even now, once it really shouldn't, you never passed up the opportunity when she invited you to join.
You could still remember the feeling of her thumb as it brushed over your eyes and lips, black and burgundy appearing in its wake. The evidence of her Tailoring long gone, you still felt the tingle. Your hand rested there, absentmindedly.
Kaz led you to the Crow Club, up those flights of stairs until you reached his room in the attic. You'd known better than to ask if he needed a break on the way up. You couldn't be sure he wouldn't wack you with his cane and watch as tumbled down.
You leaned against the wall, suspicions high. You highly doubted Kaz liked you half the time. You were one of his, yes, but after what happened with Big Bollinger, that hadn't meant much.
Though, you came back to spun stories of him being rotten. You would never be rotten. Not to Kaz. Not after he plucked you from the streets and gave you a place to sleep and food to eat. You weren't certain there was anything he could do to change that loyalty.
"How would you like to be free, Y/n?" Kaz asks. "I remember you once saying you would like to live in Ravka or Shu Han," He leaned against his makeshift desk. Nothing went to waste with Kaz. If something had the slightest potential — a sliver of promise, he was on it like a lion prancing a gazelle.
"I'd like to be anywhere other than Ketterdam," You drawled. "Perhaps on the moon," Kaz lets out a low chuckled, that bashful look in his eye making your stomach churn. Each time you'd seen it, it never ended with pleasure. Once, you were left with a broken arm, the medic you went to unable to fix it entirely. If you raised it high enough, a small popping sound would emerge, blinding pain following it.
At least it wasn't my leg, you'd said, pausing as you looked at Kaz with wide eyes. At your expression, he'd only laughed. You're alright, witch. I promise that hadn't broken my pride and spirit.
"With what I'm offering, you could very well buy the moon," He looked nearly joyous now. You raised a brow. You trusted Kaz. Working for him, you had to. It was trust Kaz or risk never waking again, body dumped in the waters to be eaten by fish.
"And what's the condition? You look like you just found out your firstborn was selected to be king,"
"The condition? The increasingly high chances of death and breaking into an impregnable fortress,"
"You've really outdone yourself this time. Where and how?"
"None of that's important. I haven't sorted out the details yet,"
"And you're telling me about it? Truly shocking,"
Kaz clasped his gloved hands together. "I'm telling you to give you time to think. This isn't an order. I won't hold it against you if you decline," You swallowed thickly. You owed Kaz. Owed him until the day you died. Whether that day was tomorrow or once you withered, it hadn't mattered. Without Kaz, you'd likely be dead. You'd be a puppet of Pekka, sold to the highest bidder.
You pinched your brow. You noticed he hadn't called you witch once. He was serious despite his jovial tone. You weren't a witch — you hadn't had magic to your name. It had been coined in your early days without your sister. Part of you hated it. You'd been unbathed, your dress in ruins. You'd been odd-looking then, growing into your features within the last two years. They coined you witch. They said you stepped straight out of a horror story. Those other kids had laughed, thrown stones.
You didn't hate it when it came from Kaz. He said it in a way that made your heart leap, husky and raspy voice making it sound like a term of endearment rather than mockery.
"Do I?" You crooned. "If I could buy the moon, I would say that anything is worth it. My life even,"
Something flashed through his dark eyes quickly enough for you to miss.
"Three million kruge," Kaz braces himself on the table, leaning forward. "Your choice. No hard feelings,"
You'd never even dreamed of having that much money before. The risk of your life was very well worth the chance at having that much money. You'd be free to do what you liked. You could do anything—
A slight quirk of your lips was the only thing that showed your thoughts. "Hardly enough to buy the moon, Mister Brekker. It's good enough, I suppose,"
His answering grin made it widen.
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iheardarumorthings · 2 days ago
Paint Me Red
Kaz Brekker x OC
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Kaz would give the world for her, just for the chance to paint her pink and make their love what it used to be. All he succeeded in doing was painting her red.
Warnings: Dark Kaz, Dark OC, murder, thoughts of murder, toxic relationship, mentions of abuse, mentions of torcher, i think that might be it but i’ll add more if i find them
Happier Than Ever x Boring - Clem Turner
Creep - Sarah Cothran
Off to the Races- Lana Del Rey
Love Story- Sarah Cothran
I Wanna Be Your Slave x Seven Nation Army - Cameron Hayes
Superego- Cameron Hayes
Medicine- Cameron Hayes
Drown- Cameron Hayes
High School Sweethearts- Melanie Martinez
Burning Pile - Mother Mother
“The monster purred, once again grinning that wicked, predatory grin. Hello, Brekker, my prey, it crooned.”
More for the future. 
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hi darling! congrats on 92 followers <33
can i get ⛅: Send me a song from the list and I'll write you a dialogue, with the song 'Call It What You Want' by Taylor Swift? thank you so much! have a lovely day <3
hello <8
Y/N: And I know I make the same mistakes every time.
Y/N: Bridges burn, I never learn.
X: What has changed?
Y/N: *You look at your lover*
Y/N: He/She loves me like I'm brand new
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goldengoddess · 5 months ago
if ur fictional crush wouldn’t murder someone in your honor, you need a new fictional crush
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swanimagines · 3 months ago
In case someone doesn't know how to make a "keep reading" on mobile:
I've seen some nerve-racking 10k fics that don't have the cut and in their worst, they're also full of media like "this is a picture of what you're wearing, this is the view you're seeing from your hotel room, here's a gif how x looks at you in this scene" = Tumblr app struggles to load that wall of text and media and then Tumblr app crashes and when asked to put the cut, people are like "I'm on mobile and can't put the cut" so here's a little tutorial video for you guys.
I know this is a problem with all characters but tagging some popular ones to gain exposure for this post.
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alcottsangel · 6 months ago
Simply clothes
{Kaz Brekker x reader}
Summary: Simple moments of Kaz showing his affection for Y/n through giving her his clothes.
Warnings: None.
This was a request by @simplyluvzuko :D I liked the idea, really cute and fluffy. I tried my best with it, I hope you enjoy it <3
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The mission was a complete disaster. It wasn't even a hard one, it was just about spying on a few of Pekka Rollins guys in a club. Everyone had their position, Jesper was, of course, gambling at one of the tables with Wylan next to him. Matthias and Nina stood next to the door, pretending to snug (they actually did), listening to the conversations of everyone who'd leave the club.
Kaz and Inej were outside, the Wraith on the roofs to keep track of the people walking in and and out of the club. Kaz waited two corners further for his Crows.
Y/n's task was simple. Look pretty, let them come close. Kaz didn't like her to do that, but Y/n insisted it wasn't a big deal. She wouldn't actually let them touch her. She knew how to take care of herself. It was going well, one of Rollins guys was drunk and really willingly to spill any information to a pretty girl. Her dress was green, tight, silky and long. Absolutely complementing her features, but also cold and she could feel goosebumps building up.
It was all fine, until the damn moment another Dime Lion pulled the guy aside, whispering into his ear. Y/n could hear it.
"That's Brekkers girl."
Was the simple sentence, that caused a tumult.
It happened so fast that Y/n couldn't even process it, she was a bit tipsy and it all happened in a blurr. What she did remember was, that Jesper grabbed her and moved her out of the club. Nina, Matthias, Inej and Wylan were already out and waiting for them.
They didn't stop running until they reached the corner Kaz waited at. It took him one look to realise that the mission had failed.
Y/n found it a little funny. They broke into the damn Ice Court, but couldn't even eavesdropp properly. Kaz didn't find it amusing at all.
As the Crows were walking back to the Slat, it was awfully quiet. Kaz and Y/n fell back a little.
His leg was worse today, the weather was cold and rainy. As Kaz' gaze went to Y/n, he could see her rubbing her bare arms. She was obviously freezing. The Bastard of the Barrel sighed, stopped and took off his coat, before handing it to her.
She looked at it in surprise. That wasn't something you would expect Kaz Brekker to do.
The thing between them has been going on for some time now. They were close, as close as Kaz would let anybody be. They held hands twice. They hugged once. Huge steps for Kaz and Y/n wouldn't dare to rush him.
"Are you sure?" She asked concerned.
Kaz didn't look to her, still holding his arm up.
"Take it already, you're going to catch a cold."
So she did take it, without touching his gloved hand. She smiled. It meant alot to her.
Kaz continued walking to catch up with the others again, Y/n followed. His coat was warm and cozy. It was beautiful.
"You shouldn't go out dressed like that when Dime Lions are around anyways." Kaz noticed. Y/n chuckled. "But I look good. Have you seen my tits in this dress? I've never worn more flattering clothes."
That's where it had started.
It wasn't something big, but Kaz had found a way of showing affection towards her without feeling rushed. Soon, Y/n was wearing his coat all the time. Kaz brought himself a new one.
The next item that went missing out of his wardrobe was a shirt.
It wasn't something the Crows noticed, Kaz had a bunch of simple white button up shirts.
They only realised when Y/n started wearing one instead of her black leather attire.
On Saturday Y/n stayed in Kaz' room to help in sorting out the numbers of the Crows Club. It was late, she was tired and constantly dragging on her tight and uncomfortable shirt.
So Kaz stood up, without a word, walking towards his dresser to pull out another shirt of him. One, that he was wearing to bed.
He threw it at the young women, who raised her brows at him, as he walked back to his table and sat down.
"Put it on, it's more comfortable than your clothes. Keep it, if you want." Dirtyhands said, already concentrating on the papers in front of him again.
She nodded, stood up and turned around to face his bed, starting to undress her top right there. Kaz looked up, surprised. He hadn't considered that. He only saw her back. Her skin looked soft, with a few moles and freckles. When she unclipped her bra, Kaz gasped silently. The moment felt so intimate, as if she trusted him more than anyone else.
Once she had closed the last button of his shirt, she turned around. Kaz was facing the papers, but he had a soft blush on his cheeks.
She had never seen him blushing before.
So, rolling up the sleeves of the shirt, she decided to not address it. She still couldn't help to giggle a little.
On Wednesday Y/n wasn't feeling well. There wasn't really a concrete reason, everything just felt odd and she wasn't in the mood to actually do something properly. So instead, she locked herself away in her room the entire day. Kaz was on a mission with Jesper so she felt especially lonely. Both, Nina and Inej tried to approach her but she just told them to leave.
It wasn't until the evening, when she got hungry, that she left her room and walked down the stairs. The Slat was pretty empty, most Dregs were out, but Inej and Nina sat on a table and talked. When they saw her, they waved for her to join them. Y/n did.
Nina was incredibly jolly today, so Inej and Y/n ate silently listening to her endless chattering.
Y/n didn't even finish her plate, when she started to feel tired and pushed it away.
The young women tried desperately to stay awake, concentrating fully on Nina, but she was knocked out within the next few minutes.
When Jesper and Kaz returned, they saw a rather amusing picture. Nina, giggling and talking, with three plates of waffles stacked before her, indicating her good mood. Inej next to her, smiling softly and finishing Y/n's plate. The last of them asleep, head on the table, wearing the shirt Kaz gave to her days ago. Dirtyhands smirked, as they walked towards the girls.
"Seems like you're having the time of your life." Jesper joked, stealing some meat from the plate Inej was eating from.
"Hey!" They Suli girl protested, but smiled.
"Hey Brekker, maybe you should take care of your girl. She's feeling off today." Nina turned to him. Kaz shook his head. "Let her sleep. If she does it down here, it was needed." Dirtyhands placed his hat and cane on the table, undressing his vest to lay it over Y/n's shoulders, before picking up his things and walking up the stairs to his attic, leaving behind the others with surprised expressions.
There they had it, Kaz Brekkers softest side.
@renataligorio @kaqua @magravenwrites @corpsebasil
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genyaakostyk · 6 months ago
cupid screwed up
Summary: Three times Kaz indirectly tells Y/N he loves her and one time she almost dies and he actually confessed his feelings just in a very Kaz like way.
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Kaz was an enigma. A painful, irritating enigma.
And Y/N wanted to murder him. Well, she would be murdering him if there wasn't currently a knife sticking out her left thigh.
"Jesper, Jesper, Jesper, don't you dare pull it," Y/N demanded, looking up at her friend with wide eyes.
"I wasn't going to pull it out!" Jesper exclaimed, throwing his hands up and jumping back a step.
"Yes, you were!"
"No, I wasn't!"
"Jesper, I have known you for long enough to recognize that look in your eye."
"I am insulted, Y/N!"
"Will you two be quiet," Kaz snapped, slamming his cane into the ground to get them both to shut up. Kaz let out a long, drawn out sigh and closed his eyes. "Y/N, you cannot walk back to the Slat with a knife sticking out your leg."
"Who says I can't?" Y/N challenged, looking up at Kaz.
"Me," Kaz shot back. "Jesper, pull it out."
"Jesper, do not pull it out," Y/N snapped, her head turning to look at Jesper threateningly, narrowing her eyes.
"Jesper, do not listen to her -"
"Jesper, do listen to me otherwise I will melt down those precious revolvers of yours and turn them into jewellery."
"Jesper, ignore Y/N."
Y/N let out a screech of pain as the knife was suddenly pulled out her leg and then someone's hand pressed down, hard, on to the wound.
"What the fuck, Jesper!" Y/N yelled, whacking him on the shoulder as she resisted the urge to actually punch him.
"Sorry, gorgeous, but quite frankly, Kaz scares me more than you do," Jesper replied, shrugging and giving her his iconic Jesper smile in an attempt to make things better.
Y/N wanted to slap him but was in too much pain to actually commit. Her leg was throbbing and burning and she really wanted someone to knock her out. Jesper pulled Y/N's scarf from around her neck and wrapped it around her thigh.
"You're going to regret this, Jesper," Y/N complained, dropping her head back against the wall she was leaning on and closing her eyes. "Say goodbye to those revolvers."
"Y/N, stop threatening Jesper," Kaz drawled. He glanced around the alleyway they were hiding in. "We should go before someone finds us."
"How are we getting Y/N back?" Jesper asked, tying the scarf in a knot.
"Just because Y/N's eyes are closed, doesn't mean she can't hear you," Y/N said, opening her eyes and glaring at Jesper. "Y/N, will walk."
Kaz stared. "You can't walk."
"Then I will hop," Y/N replied.
Using her good leg, Y/N began to awkwardly push herself up. She wobbled to the side and Jesper caught her, wrapping an arm around her waist and letting Y/N push herself up using his other hand.
"Are you really going to hop back to the Slat?" Jesper asked, raising his eyebrows as Y/N wobbled again, her right leg barely supporting her own weight.
"Hop, crawl, slide, glide and pivot - either way I'll make it back," Y/N replied, although as she spoke her grip on Jesper's hand tightened and she wobbled again.
Kaz watched Y/N, his eyes narrowing a fraction. He flexed the hand that was wrapped around his cane and exhaled slowly.
"Use this," Kaz said gruffly, holding out his cane.
Jesper and Y/N turned to stare at him with wide eyes. Kaz rolled his eyes at their reaction and grabbed Y/N's right hand by her wrist, physically placing the cane into it.
"Come along," Kaz called, limping off down the alley with remarkable speed.
Jesper and Y/N stared after him.
"Ok, what the fuck," Y/N whispered, looking at Jesper with wide eyes. She could feel the golden crows head of the cane in her hand, her index finger resting along its beak.
"I told you he liked you," Jesper said, winking.
Y/N whacked Jesper's knees with Kaz's cane and Jesper yelped. "As if. Kaz doesn't like anyone - he barely likes himself, Jesper."
"Of course, darling," Jesper said placatingly. "Come along, hop along, Kaz is probably back by now at the speed he went off at."
"We scared him off," Y/N replied as they slowly walked back to the Slat, Y/N relying heavily on Kaz's cane and Jesper as she did a weird, hop, shuffle, slide.
"You weren't actually going to melt my revolvers down, were you?" Jesper asked, pausing suddenly.
Y/N stumbled at Jesper's sudden stop. She looked up at him. "No, of course not. I'm not that mean," she replied, smiling. Jesper smiled back and nodded, reassured of his revolvers fate. "Yet," Y/N added quietly.
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"I look ridiculous."
"You look wonderful."
"You look gorgeous."
Y/N gave Inej and Jesper an unconvinced look and sighed, slumping into a chair. "Why do I have to wear this? Why can't Inej wear it?"
Kaz barely looked up from the map he was studiously studying. "I need Inej on the roofs. I need Jesper in the crowds and I need you attracting the crowds with your beautiful dancing."
Y/N snorted. She picked up the hem of her long, draping sleeve and picked at the white fabric with her nails.
"Why can't I dress up as literally any other character, why does it have to be this one?" Y/N asked, tilting her head back to look at Kaz.
"Because this one attracts more people and means there are less people watching when we break in to the house," Kaz explained slowly. And because you look beautiful in white. He stood up from his desk and fold the map up into a square small enough to fit into his coat pocket.
The rest of them took that as their sign to go and Y/N stood up, smoothing the white silk of her dress down as she stood. Compared to the dark, muted colours of the rest of the crows, Y/N looked like a ghost. Or a Saint.
Y/N followed Inej out the door but was stopped suddenly when a gloved hand wrapped around her wrist, yanking her to a stop.
"What now?" Y/N asked, turning around to look at Kaz with a despairing frown.
Kaz responded by throwing a coat at her. Y/N caught it with a flail of her arms as it landed on her head. She stumbled back into Inej and Y/N could have sworn she heard the Suli girl giggle.
"Put that on, you'll look less conspicuous," Kaz explained, barging past her and Jesper and walking down the corridor, his cane clicking loudly on the wooden floor. Inej pressed herself against the wall as Kaz passed, a smile on her face as she looked at Y/N.
Y/N pulled the coat on, flicking the collar up and untucking her hair from underneath it. She pulled the sleeves of her dress down and adjusted the coat until it was comfortable.
"Mmm?" Y/N looked up at Inej. "What?"
"That's Kaz's coat."
"No, it isn't."
"Yes, it is."
"He's wearing his coat, Inej," Y/N said, leaning over the bannister to double check. "Yeah, he's wearing his coat."
"Y/N, Kaz has more than one coat, love," Jesper reminded. He picked up her arm and sniffed the coat. "Smells like him."
"I don't even want to know how you know what Kaz smells like," Y/N said, staring at Jesper.
"Are you three coming or not?!" Kaz yelled from the foot of the stairs. "Hurry up!"
The three of them quickly moved and Y/N jogged down the stairs, holding up the hem of her dress and Kaz's coat.
Kaz was waiting in the back door of the Slat, his hands around the crow's head of his cane, looking bored and unimpressed.
"Done gossiping?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
He turned around and headed out the door, expecting them to follow. Y/N scoffed and shook her head and followed after him, stepping out into the street and shivering slightly at the cold Ketterdam night
The four of them moved into their usual positions as they headed down to West Stave. Kaz in the centre, Jesper on his right, Y/N on his left and Inej hovering behind Jesper like a wraith.
As they turned the corner to the main street, the crowds growing in size as the neared the pleasure houses, Kaz slowed down a bit and turned to look at Inej.
"No mourners," he said.
Inej pulled her hood up and nodded. "No funerals."
She climbed up onto a barrel, swung herself onto a balcony and then onto a roof and she disappeared into the fog.
Y/N hated walking down West Stave as much as Inej did. Neither one of them wanted to be reminded of their past. As they neared the house Y/N had been indebted to, Y/N heistated slightly, her confident stride faltering.
Kaz stopped suddenly, Jesper dodging to the side to avoid walking into him. He frowned but Kaz whacked his leg with his cane and nodded his head to Y/N.
Jesper understood instantly and moved to stand on Y/N's left, his hands settling onto the pearl handles of his revolvers. Kaz moved to stand on Y/N's right and they resumed walking.
Y/N smiled slightly as both boys moved closer to her as they walked past the house, Jesper's hand moving from his revolver and brushing Y/N's fingers reassuringly.
The three of them marched down West Stave until they were at the bridge that went over the canal, connecting either side.
"Alright, it's time," Kaz said, stopping outside a butcher's shop and leaning against the wall.
Y/N shrugged out of the coat and handed it to Kaz. The wind sent ripples through the light fabric of her white dress and Y/N shivered with excitement.
"Jesper, watch her back the entire time," Kaz said, his eyes boring into Jesper's. "The entire time."
"Yeah, yeah, alright," Jesper muttered, rolling his eyes.
Y/N looked over to the bridge and spotted a large group of people clamouring over the street performers who were just finishing. Among them was the Merchant they had targeted and his family. She'd found her target.
"Got them," she said softly, turning back to face Kaz. "Ready, Jes?"
Jesper nodded. "No mourners."
"No funer -"
"Hold on."
Y/N frowned as Kaz cut her off. "What?"
Kaz limped over to a stall near the butcher's shop that was selling flower crowns. He handed over some kruge and picked up a dark purple one.
Y/N watched Kaz carefully as he came back over. He walked up to her, standing so close to her that his coat brushed her stomach. Kaz reached up and placed the flower crown on Y/N's head with surprising gentleness.
Kaz tilted his head back, his eyes narrowing slightly. He reached forward and his fingers brushed Y/N's cheek as he moved a strand of hair to the side.
Y/N didn't breathe as Kaz touched her hair, adjusting her flower crown. This was the closest Kaz had ever been to her and the most he'd touched her - even if it was just a brush of a gloved hand against her cold face.
"Now we're ready," Kaz said, his gravelly voice quiet. "No mourners," he said, raising his voice as he turned and limped off towards the house.
"No funerals," Y/N and Jesper called after him.
As soon as Kaz was gone Y/N turned to Jesper, grabbing his hands tightly.
"What the fuck was that?!" She exclaimed.
"Not a clue," Jesper replied, thoroughly perplexed by Kaz's actions. "You look cute, however." He reached up and moved her flower crown slightly.
"I always look cute," Y/N said, smirking.
Jesper laughed, throwing his arm around her shoulders. "Aw, look, I'm rubbing off on you!"
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Y/N jumped over a barrel and skidded around the corner as she ran from the Stadwatch She turned into an alley, falling into Inej and Jesper as they ran out the same alley and into her.
Jesper grabbed Y/N's arm as she wobbled backwards and yanked her back into the alley, pushing her against the wall.
"They saw me," Y/N panted, bracing herself on her legs as she tried to catch her breath. "They know what I look like."
A cloak was thrown at her face and Y/N made a sound of surprise, spluttered and flailed her arms around trying to catch the cloak.
"Put that on," Kaz said, his voice emerging from the darkness.
Y/N untangled herself from the cloak and wrapped the dark red material around her shoulders. She linked the clasps together and organised the cape on her shoulders.
Kaz walked forward and stood before her. "Pull the hood up."
Y/N scooped her hair to the side and pulled the hood up to sit just above her forehead.
"It'll do," Kaz grumbled. "Let's go."
He walked off first and the other three fell into step beside him. They walked out into the street, walking along the canal, heading back to the Slat.
"Stadwatch," Jesper muttered.
Kaz glanced up and saw three members of the Stadwatch marching over the bridge and in their direction. He glanced at Y/N.
"Jesper, put your arm around Y/N's shoulders," Kaz muttered, keeping his head down.
Jesper did as Kaz said and Y/N could feel her heartbeat increasing as the Stadwatch got closer.
A hat landed on her head over the top of the cloak hood and Y/N tried not to show her startled surprise. The Stadwatch walked past them and Y/N turned her head into Jesper, wrapping her arm around his waist.
"All clear," Inej said softly and Jesper and Y/N relaxed.
Jesper kept his arm around her shoulders and knocked on the rim of the hat that sat on her head with his knuckles.
"Nice hat," Jesper teased.
Y/N reached up and pulled the hat off her head, eyes widening with surprise as she realised it was Kaz's hat.
"Wait, Kaz -" Y/N looked over her shoulder for Kaz but the man had vanished, taking Inej with him. "What the -"
Jesper let out an over-exaggerated sigh. "It suits you, you should keep it."
Y/N elbowed Jesper in the ribs and he let out a bark of laughter as he dodged to the side, avoiding her following punch.
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For once, their usual pairings had changed. Inej was with Jesper on the opposite side of the building whilst Kaz and Y/N were hovering outside the front of the building, waiting for Inej and Jesper to return.
They'd narrowly escaped a run in with the Dime Lions, escaping with only a few bullets being fired and punches being thrown.
And apparently, it was Y/N's fault.
"You were the only one who knew, Y/N," Kaz growled, glaring at her as he leant against a wall.
Y/N scoffed. She pushed herself up off the wall and paced up and down the street. "Of course. It hasn't occurred to you that it might have been someone eavesdropping or someone who told someone else - we went to three different locksmiths asking for heavy duty lockpicks, any of them could have been paid of by Pekka Rollins."
"It's far more likely that you accidentally let something slip -"
"Do you truly think so little of me, Kaz?" Y/N asked, pausing and looking at Kaz.
I think the world of you, Kaz wanted to say. But he kept quiet.
"Gee, thanks," Y/N muttered, rolling her eyes.
The adrenaline was beginning to fade now and her entire body ached. She'd climbed across a roof, been punched and shot at and thrown into a wall in the past hour and all she really wanted was to go to her bed in the Slat and sleep.
Instead she had to cope with Kaz being Kaz.
"I didn't say anything to anyone, Kaz," Y/N said softly, looking at him from the shadows. "And I only knew the bare minimum. I would never betray you, Kaz. Why can't you see that?"
"Because the last time I trusted someone," a muscle in Kaz's jaw jumped and his hands clenched around the head of his cane, "I lost everything." His dark eyes looked up from the ground and locked on to Y/N's. "I will not make that mistake again."
"And so you blame me," Y/N finished. She scoffed and shook her head. "Fine."
Y/N walked back up the street, returning to her spot in the dark opposite Kaz. Her left side was throbbing and she absent-mindedly brushed her fingers against it.
Red stained her fingertips.
Y/N paused in front of Kaz, her eyes locked onto the blood.
It was as if the sight of red on her fingers sparked a reaction inside her brain. Y/N became aware of the burning feeling in her side and the unbearable pain that washed over her. Dark, black spots dotted her vision and she could hear her heart pounding in her ears.
Her knees buckled and Y/N fell backwards, losing her balance entirely. The cobbled streets rushed up to meet her and Y/N vaguely realised that her head was about to smash against the stones and that no one was there to catch her.
Someone grasped her arm, their grip painfully hard. They stumbled down to the ground with Y/N, trying to slow her descent on to the stones. Y/N felt her right shoulder and her side collide with the ground and the impact vibrated through her entire body.
Y/N felt someone pull her against their knees, supporting her awkwardly on the ground. Her eyes focused again and she managed to look up.
Kaz was kneeling beside her, his knees supporting her back, his gloved hand still wrapped around her arm. The two of them were in the middle of the street and Y/N barely hid her surprise at the fact Kaz had saved her from smashing her head into the cobbles.
Kaz was struggling. His brain was screaming at him to let go and he could feel the waters rising again, lapping around his waist and soaking his legs. But Y/N's eyes were locked on to his and his hand was still around her arm, his knees supporting her. He couldn't let go. He wouldn't let her go.
"What's wrong?" Kaz forced himself to ask, his voice harsher and deeper than normal. He cleared his throat and took his hand off Y/N's arm and carefully moved her jacket aside, his bare wrist brushing the bare skin of her bloody side as he lifted her shirt up a bit.
"I don't - I don't remember," Y/N stammered her own shaking hand hovering over the bullet wound in her side.
"Don't," Kaz said, pushing her hand away as she went to poke it.
Kaz had seen numerous injuries in his lifetime. It was like Jesper said - pointing a gun at someone in Ketterdam was a way of saying hello. He'd experienced his fair share of injuries and had seen both Jesper and Inej at their worst, bleeding out and pale.
But, for some reason, it was different with Y/N. Kaz swallowed and took his gloves off, pressing them against her side with his bare hands.
He was used to blood. It no longer fazed him. What was fazing him was Y/N's sluggish pupils slipping away from his gaze.
"Say you're sorry," Y/N muttered, her head falling onto Kaz's thigh as her body went limp.
"I don't say sorry, Y/N, you know that," Kaz replied, taking a hand off her side and gently nudging her head so that she was looking up at him. "I know you didn't tell."
"That almost sounded like an apology," Y/N said, her voice quiet. She was silent for a minute but then said, "who did you trust?"
Kaz froze. "What?"
Y/N opened her eyes wider and turned her head to look at Kaz properly. "You told me that the last time you trusted someone," she paused and took a deep breath in, wincing, "you lost everything. Who did you trust?"
Kaz could feel the waters rising, flooding his body. His eyes unfocused and he was back in the bay, Jordie's body underneath his hands, his brothers rotting skin the only thing he could feel.
Y/N's hand clusmily wrapped around his wrist and Kaz blinked, startled.
But he didn't pull away. He blinked again and clenched his jaw.
"My brother," Kaz said quietly, his voice harsh and rough. "He told me that 'our luck was changing' and then not even a week later he was dead and I was alone. I had nothing. And I haven't trusted anyone since. Until you. I trust you, Y/N."
Kaz looked down at her. Y/N had passed out, her head on his thigh, her hand still gripping his wrist. Kaz smiled for a moment and shook his head. He confessed his heart to her and she passed out on him. Kaz looked up as he heard Jesper and Inej running towards him and found himself relaxing just a little bit more as he saw that his other two crows were ok.
Kaz would never admit it to anyone who wasn't Y/N but she had well and truly stolen his heart. And when she was around him, the waters stayed on the shore.
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magpiencrow · 6 months ago
Don’t Let Go
kaz brekker x reader - don’t let go
summary/request: “Oki hiiiiii can I request a Kaz x reader where hes forced to touch her in some way like shes dangling from a building and he catches her/helps her up?  And/or one where he’s alone with her, helping her when she’s hurt and has to stop her from fighting him while he hurts her to stitch it up?  Maybe knowing about his aversion to touch there’s some guilt on her part with some “Don’t be stupid of course I’ll help.”  Whether they’re close or newly crushing is up to you, thank youuu.  Sorry it’s so long - 💛”
warnings: typical six of crows stuff, heights/falling, slight best friend!jesper fahey x reader, kaz endlessly pining
word count: 2k
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     “Walking on a roof is so not a Jesper talent!” Jesper complained, his voice barely audible over the wind.
     The walkway along the building's roof was thin, a foot at the max, but if Inej could do it with ease - the others could manage, right?  Kaz thought so when this route became their only method of escape.  Now he scolded himself for forgetting that his crew could occasionally become a band of babbling and bumbling idiots.  That paired with a vicious wind felt like a recipe for disaster.
     “There must be another way!” Matthias groaned, calling out over the wind that whipped around them.
     “There is no other way.” Kaz yelled back, not daring to look over his shoulder at the Fjerdan, for fear of throwing his balance off.
     “Are you sure?”
     Kaz snarkily replied, “No, there was also a tunnel system but I thought this would be nicer - of course it’s the only damn way!”
     The sky was dark, the moonlight just slightly illuminating their very narrow path.  Inej took up the front, skilled as ever, and passed instructions to Y/N who walked directly behind her.  These instructions were then passed to Kaz and made their way down their little train - Jesper, Wylan, Nina, and finally their not so little caboose, Matthias.
     The wind howled violently around them, thrashing at their clothing, just barely almost knocking half of them off the roof.  But they persevered, pushing farther down the little beam.
     Over the wind, Kaz could just barely hear Inej call to Y/N, “Be careful ahead, a bunch of nails are sticking out.”
     The message passed down the line and the group steadily trekked on.  It was difficult, trying to feel for nails sticking out of the wood in the darkness.  They all waved their foot around before they put down a step, making sure they wouldn’t trip or impale their foot.  Someone stepping on a nail or falling off the roof was the last thing they needed right now.
     More often than he’d like to admit, Kaz found himself wanting to reach out to steady Y/N when she began to lose her balance.  His heart jumped every time the girl swayed with the wind.
     “Can you stop that?” Kaz choked out, his eyes glued to the girl’s back.
     “Stop what?”
     “Ditzing around.”
     “I’m feeling for nails Kaz, watch your own feet.” Y/N snapped in response.
     When they first approached the beam, their last option for escape, Kaz originally intended on following Inej himself, then making the others go behind him.  It was only right, he was their leader.  But when he saw how tiny the plank was and how strong the winds were, he realized he wouldn’t be able to turn around to check on the people behind him.
     So instead, he let selfishness rear its ugly head and insisted on Y/N going ahead of him.  Since that moment, he kept his eyes anxiously trained on the girl’s back.  They weren’t close - she was just a Crow and just Jesper’s best friend.  Yet Kaz felt a magnetic pull towards her vibrating in his chest, constantly drawing him closer and closer to her.
     It was exhausting, having to constantly analyze his every action every time she walked into a room.  Her arm was always looped through Jesper’s, the friends giggling like school children, and Kaz had to forcibly redirect his gaze.  Sometimes he felt as though his body and mind were disconnected.  The former always gravitated towards her - his eyes searched for her in every room and without fail he always found himself sitting next to her at meetings or paired together on a heist.  His brain vehemently objected, desperately trying to mentally distance himself from the girl.  A war was raging inside his very body.
     Kaz was horrified at just how debilitating his little obsession was.  During a heist, he was always focused on the mark, his mind spinning with the plans, the back up plans, and the back up plans for the back up plans.  But this time, he found himself heavily distracted.  Instead of his eyes roaming the room for the exit, they were searching amongst the chaos for her.  He knew he had to pull himself together and get over her, but he just couldn’t.  Every inch of his body seemed to scream for her.
     Even now, instead of focusing on his own foot placement, he was solely focused on her.  He flinched every time a powerful wind slammed into them, not worried for his own safety, but for hers.  Kaz quietly placed one foot in front of the other as they continued their little parade.
     “How much further?” He yelled over the wind to Inej.
     The girl took a moment and then responded, “Just a few more steps and then there’s a ladder.  Once we climb down we’ll be on the street.”
     Inej picked up her pace, hurrying ahead, and left her companions far behind her.  Y/N began to increase her speed as well, but she tottled, her feet occasionally nearly slipping off the beam.
     “Easy, easy!  Take it slow people.” Jesper scolded when Nina nearly stepped off the side, a small squeak escaping her mouth.
     As they neared the end of the beam, Kaz could just barely see Inej’s head disappear as she went sliding down the ladder.  It creaked loudly under the strain of Inej’s light frame.  Y/N shifted her weight from foot to foot, clearly nervous about her upcoming descent.
     “Go, your turn.” Kaz commanded and risked a glance over his shoulder, instantly thankful everyone was still there.
     Y/N turned wildly to face him, “Kaz I don’t think-”
     The world slowed when their eyes met.  Y/N’s were wide, filled with fright, as her foot slipped from the edge of the beam.  Her hands desperately reached out for Kaz, attempting to catch hold of his coat as she fell, sliding down the side of the roof.  Everything around him froze, all he could think of was saving her.
     Instinctively, Kaz dove forward, reaching out to grip her hands tightly.  He sighed with relief when he caught them.  Kaz kept himself steady, a knee on either side of the beam, and strained, trying to pull her back up.  He could feel a pair of hands gripping the back of his jacket - Jesper.
     “Kaz, please don’t let go.” Y/N begged, her eyes filled with tears that rolled down her face.
     “I won’t, I promise.” His voice was heavy, desperate and laced with panic.
     His heart beat turbulently, everything was all so overwhelming.  Bile rose in his throat as a vision of her letting go, falling to her death, flashed in his mind.  He felt her fingers begin to slip from his grasp.  Quickly readjusting his grip, he pulled back roughly with a growl.
     Y/N scrambled up the roof, her feet finally finding traction but her hands never leaving Kaz’s.  With another final pull, Kaz quickly moved one arm around her waist, firmly holding her against his body.  She steadied herself, holding onto Kaz like a lifeline until she was certain enough to let go and sit upon the beam next to Kaz.
     Kaz kept his arm around her, his hand absentmindedly moving up and down her side in an attempt to calm her.  His throat felt tight with anxiety while he stared down at the girl next to him.  Behind him, he could hear the others jabbering anxiously, but it was all a blur in comparison to her.  Y/N was gasping, trying to catch her breath as tears flowed freely.  Something deep inside him stirred when the girl leaned against him, exhausted, and peered up to meet his gaze.
     “Thank you.”
     Y/N rushed up the staircase when they reached the Slat, quickly heading off to her room.  Their group split apart, several of them heading off the go grab a drink to drown their nerves.  Shrugging off his jacket and throwing it over a chair, Kaz followed after her without a second thought.
     He paused in her doorway as Y/N flitted about her room, searching for a thread and needle.  Her shirt was raised, the edge caught between her teeth.  As she spun around, her eyes met Kaz and they simultaneously froze.
     The room was thick with silence as he finally stepped over the threshold.  Kaz wasn’t completely sure what he was doing or why he was there, but it just felt right.
     He found himself carefully taking the needle and thread from her fingers, “Let me.”
     Stripping out of his gloves, he easily threaded the needle and eyed her wound.  It felt odd, his hands being so bare and close to someone.  Shaking his head slightly, he pushed it away.  The need to help was overpowering, flooding his senses and overriding that portion of his brain that was scared.
     Y/N’s torso was bloody.  The exposed nails on the roof had burrowed themselves into her skin when she fell and then ripped apart her flesh acting as teeth.  Carefully he reached out, his eyes fluttering up to meet hers, silently asking for permission.  Her eyes were wide with shock, nothing like the emotion her eyes had held on the roof.
     Y/N quickly dropped her shirt and stepped back.  Her voice was strained, “Don’t force yourself.”
     Kaz gulped, “I want to help, truly.”
     He could feel her eyes flicker down to his bare hands, “Kaz you can’t.  Jesper told me about…”  Her voice trailed off and she simply gestured towards his hands.
     “Just let me try.”
     Kaz didn’t know what was driving his actions.  It felt like it was the first time in forever since he had ever done something without thinking it through first.  
     “Kaz, I’m serious - I can do it myself.”
     At her response he glanced down at her hands that violently shook and raised an eyebrow, “With those hands?  Don’t be stupid - I can do this.”
     Y/N leaned back against the wall to steady herself and then gave a tight nod.  Kaz slowly approached her, fiddling with the needle in one hand.  As she raised her shirt to expose the wound, he knelt before her.
     His fingers softly brushed the edges of the wound, drawing in a quick breath at the feeling.  It was a moment of weakness, giving into that fleeting desire for closeness.  He glimpsed up at her and from his view, down upon his knees, Kaz thought Y/N looked heavenly even in her shaken state.
     Carefully he dipped the needle into one edge of the wound, quickly pulling the thread taught.  Y/N gasped, her stomach tensing at the quick inhale.  
     “You’re okay,” he reassured.
     Kaz hated how weak he sounded.  He wasn’t okay at all yet somehow he managed to sound convincingly comforting.  The more his fingers lingered against her skin, the more the grogginess in his head grew.
     He dutifully continued the stitches until each wound was closed perfectly.  Kaz realized the feeling of touching her was equally unnerving and soothing.  His stomach flipped anxiously in sync with the rapid fluttering of his heart.  All at once, he felt weak and triumphant.  
     Under his fingers, Kaz could feel her muscles tremble with pain, he glanced up, finding her eyes squeezed shut.  
     “Y/N, look at me.”
     She shook her head, “Saints, it hurts.”
     Tying the final knot, he dropped the thread and needle and stood to his full height.  His legs quaked beneath him, feeling as though they could give out any moment.  Slowly, he reached out towards her face but dropped his hand once he realized what he was doing.  One step at a time.
     “Look at me, it’s all over.”
     Y/N’s watery eyes opened, staring softly up at him.  Kaz felt his breath hitch, caught in his chest, and stared back, his intense gaze unwavering.  Each moment that passed was at an almost uncomfortable level of intimacy, but for whatever reason, it felt like it was exactly what he needed.
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scandalous-chaos · a month ago
What One Deserves Kaz Brekker x fem!reader
Summary: Jealous Kaz, that’s it. Fluffy, fluff! requested by @acupnoodle​ | masterlist
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There were a lot of emotions Kaz hid on a daily basis. Like how he feels happy whenever he sees the birds chirruping in the evenings. Or how he’s elated every time the Crows seemed to have a good time. How he loves each and every one of you but never shows it.
Kaz could try and try, but the one emotion he could never really hide was jealousy.
You’ve been part of the Crows for hardly six months now. You were working as a waitress in one of the small pubs nearby and Inej had come across you on a fine Sunday night. On seeing how effortlessly you dodged arguments and punches, she knew you were a diamond in the rough. The Crows could always use skills like that and besides, you didn't even look like you were getting paid enough.
Kaz was reluctant to hire you, but Inej insisted that you would be a great help to everyone, especially her. After all, she was the one in the shadows, the one who gets information and secrets. Your skills would be great tools to assist her.
Straight after you were recruited, he knew he was done for. Even though he thought you would be intimidated to be surrounded by criminals, you easily fit into the picture as one. He hated that. He also disliked how he stared at you every once in a while, and with each day he got more and more curious. 
Why would you be so warm yet cautious? How could you be everything Kaz stood for, yet be so friendly? 
Not only did you do a great job in heists, you also made the business bloom in Slat. You always hung around the bar, as well as make small talk with the customers. You bought them drinks, got to know their family, and remembered their names for when they visit again.
“Y/N, hon, c’mere, stand by me! You’re good luck!” One of the men yelled from the gambling table. 
Kaz, who was sitting beside you, felt a sudden surge of hate. He thought the man was insulting her, but Y/N only laughed and held up a hand.
“Be right there, Jamie! Lemme get you a glass of wine too!” You replied pleasantly. 
“He looks like trouble,” Kaz said without thinking. You didn’t seem surprised by his comment.
“So do you, yet I work for you,” you rolled your eyes and took two glasses. You grabbed the most expensive wine and poured it, all the while Kaz scowled. 
“Besides,” you added, “much like you, he’s also a sweetheart. He would never hurt me.”
You left him baffled. As much as he felt annoyed, he also couldn't help but feel the blush spreading across his cheeks. He was glad you were already gone after Jamie, because he was sure you would have made fun of him otherwise.
That night, he didn't go up to his room. He watched Jamie’s table with interest — how you’d laugh with the drunk people, and how they'd laugh with you. The scene reminded him of sailors in sea — half-conscious, happy and nothing but care for each other.
Jamie was harmless after all. But there was something still making him itch. That second, he decided you trusted everyone way too easily and that put you in the path of danger.
He did the best and worst decision he could think of — make you Jesper’s responsibility. The two of you were to look out for each other and Kaz took comfort in knowing there was someone watching you. This plan came to bite him in the ass when he realized Jesper flirted way too much with you, and it positively annoyed him how you’d laugh and flirt back. -
Things never got out of control with your temper, but one particularly day, Inej was wounded and Kaz was the reason why.
“If you would have entered through the West entrance like I asked-” you began but he cut you off.
“We don't change plans, Y/N. We’ve been through this already.” Kaz looked at Inej with a frown, the only form of concern he could publicly display. 
She was being held by Jesper, her hands over her stomach, where she was stabbed by one of the guards. Nina was back in the Slat, so they needed another Healer.
“I’ll ask Kiran and see if he knows a healer or medik,” Jesper said, determined. You were suddenly grateful for his connections in the vast city.
“You sure you can trust him?” You asked quickly.
“He isn't the most likeable fellow, but we’re acquaintances,” he said, sighing. “Besides, we’re too far away from Nina.”
“I’ll be fine,” Inej said, her voice cracking. 
You almost burst out crying. Seeing someone you love in pain was really unsettling. Especially since you were supposed to help her. But you couldn't dwell on that, so you took your anger out on Kaz after Jesper led her away.
“You don't change plans? Kaz, you have plans from A to Z and you’re constantly switching from one to another!” 
“Yes, those are backup plans,” he started walking, and you followed begrudgingly. “Plans I make. You suggested a modification.”
“A modification you were stupid to ignore!” You retorted. “Inej is hurt because you were stubborn.”
“She will live,” he said hastily. “We get hurt, it’s part of the job. If you start worrying everytime someone gets a scratch, you won’t be able to have a clear head.”
“I make the plans L/N,” he snapped. “You were flirting with Jesper instead of helping Inej, which you were paid to do. So who’s at fault here?”
Your mouth fell open. Clenching your teeth, you walked away, not bothering to explain how you were not flirting but coming up with a backup plan in case things went south. 
“Where do you think you’re going?” He asked, exhausted.
“I’m not sure, but if I keep talking to you, I’ll lose my sanity!” You said over your shoulder.
You walked around in the unfamiliar town, half-mad at Kaz and half-mad at yourself. Cooling off after a fight was valid, but all you wanted to do was go back to the Slat and sleep. How can you do that if Kaz might have already left? 
You were flirting with Jesper instead of helping Inej, which you were paid to do. So who’s at fault here?
Saints, he had a way of getting you frustrated! Your usual talks with Jesper were friendly and maybe yes, a little flirty, but that does not mean he likes you or you like him. It was mostly a distraction from how alone you felt in the Slat. 
A carriage stopped in front of you, and you saw Jesper himself as the one leading the horses.
“Get in, let's go!” He said with a smile and you didn't have to be asked twice.
Glad that you weren't lost in the town, you got in and saw Inej was sleeping inside, her wounds bandaged neatly. You breathed in relief but it went just as fast when you saw Kaz was sitting opposite to her.
“Thought you would have left already,” you murmured, sitting down beside him. 
“I don’t leave anyone behind,” he said curtly, his eyes fixed outside the window as the carriage started moving.
“Okay then,” you shrugged, feeling your eyelids growing heavier. It was a two hour ride back and you were already exhausted.
“I’m sorry,” Kaz whispered softly just as you were contemplating whether to sleep or not.
“What?” The shock was clearly pronounced, both on your face and in your voice.
“You heard me.”
“I did, but what?” You rose your eyebrows, looking sideways at him. “Did Kaz Brekker just apologize?”
He looked hesitant with his words. “I know I’ve been hard on you recently. It’s my fault, I’m sorry. You deserve more that that.”
“Yes, I do.” You smiled.
“No, you don’t understand.” He tore his eyes away from the window and met yours. “I was jealous of how easily you and Jesper were getting along. You deserve more than that.”
You sat up straighter. “Wait, what do you mean?”
“You deserve more than a life as a criminal,” he explained like it was the most obvious thing in the world. “You deserve more than the Slat. You certainly deserve more than a thief pining after you.”
You laughed, and even though it was night and he could hardly see your face, he still felt the breath being knocked out of him.
You’re beautiful, he thought, no longer worried about your response. It didn't matter if you don’t reciprocate his feelings. You were like the moon, and just being near you forever was worth it, even if it means you will never like him the same way he adores you.
“You’re not just a thief, Kaz,” you said, shaking your head. “You’re kind, just and brave — all in your own way. And though you could be a jerk at times, I’m never leaving your side. You better get used to it.”
“You’re going to ignore the part where I said I like you?” 
“Or maybe I just want to hear you say it again,” you tilted your head to one side, your eyes gleaming.
“You’re intolerable,” he muttered, rolling his eyes.
“And you like me anyway,” you smirked. 
Despite your sudden need to keep talking to him, you stifled a yawn and carefully leaned your head on his shoulder. He tensed, but didn't pull you away. 
“I think you deserve more than a life where you aren’t happy,” you said softly yet clearly.
“You make me happy,” he said bluntly.
“Then I’m not going anywhere,” you sighed, feeling sleep take you. “And just for the record, I like you too.”
Jesper whistled. Apparently, the talk was louder than you thought. Even Inej had a smile on her face, as if she was listening to every word under the disguise of sleep.
Kaz felt both his face and heart burn — one with blushing, the other with love. 
“An unwise decision, but I like it,” he whispered, leaning his own head against the side of yours. You had already fallen asleep, but it was okay. There were a lot more days to spend with you, and a lot of nights to talk.
Kaz was tired too, and despite his initial decision to stay up longer, he fell right into sleep — with a smile on his lips and you by his side.
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ddaeing · 6 months ago
the way i wouldn’t trust anyone but inej to hold my drink at a party??? like mathias would spill it, nina would just drink it as a shot, jesper would leave it around by accident, kaz would leave it around on purpose and wylan would put his fingers in the cup and then let me drink it anyway
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bookishdream · 7 months ago
Hi, can u do one Kaz Brekker X Reader where he likes the reader's skin, but he is afraid to touch she because of his traumas and hers traumas too, because he noticed how she reacts to other people's touch, but one day he just touches her because he wanted to feel her.
Sorry if got confused, english is not my first language.
thank you for a request, I hope you'll be satisfied with what I came up with! enjoy xx
kaz brekker x fem!reader
He was confused. He didn’t know why he was feeling the way he was. His fingers were itchy, palms getting sweaty every time he saw you. Especially when you showed some skin.
He had this weird urge to touch your hand, to kiss the place where he could feel your heart race, to feel your soft skin pressed to him. He didn’t want to do that in a sexual way, he just wanted to feel every scar and every stretch mark you had. But he knew better than that.
With his phobia and your reaction triggered by even the slightest touch, he knew he shouldn’t have had even a thought in his stupid mind. He was distracted when you were wearing a dress, his eyes were looking you up and down every occasion he had, thinking no one had ever noticed. How of a fool he’d been that whole time.
“I think you should ask her out,” Inej had once said, making him snap out of his thinking. “She’s not that bad, you know.”
“Inej, I appreciate your tries to warm up my heart, but I would have to have one first.” He’d replied, looking down at the money on his desk. He shouldn’t have been surprised, of course the Wraith had seen, she always did.
“What would bad happen if you opened up for someone?” she’d sat on the chair on the opposite of his, her hair braided as always, a little smirk playing on her lips. “You’ve known each other since forever. Also, I think only with her you show some human emotions.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about,” he’d frowned, money in his gloved hands. “Now get out, I need to plan a job.” Inej had only sighed at his words, what a fool he was.
After that conversation, Kaz had been thinking how to avoid you. If you were in the club, he was somewhere in Ketterdam, walking around despite his leg pain. With work it was harder, you all had to work together in order to win over the city, exactly how you and Kaz had planned.
“I think we should kill Pekka Rollins first,” you had said, making an eye contact with Kaz. It was almost two years ago, your hair was shorter, your eyes glowed with sparkles he hadn’t seen ever since. “He’s been a pain in the ass, since I’ve been working in the White Rose.”
“Did he hurt you?” he’d asked, a foolish move, showing how he cared about you. “Touched you in the way he shouldn’t?”
“Kaz, every person who goes there does that.”
He’d sighed, his palms clenching harder on the cane. “I should’ve bought you out the first time I saw you there.”
“Kaz,” you said, touching his hand gently, he hadn’t flinched nor moved. “You bought Inej and both of us know she’s a better help to you than me.”
“You’re right.”
“Of course, I am, darling,” you’d squeezed his palm, letting go after a few seconds. “Now, I shall go. Boss will be angry if I don’t come back on time.”
“Be careful.” He’d pleaded, his voice barely detectable.
“Always am.”
He hadn’t got any idea why you were making him soft, you two had met after he came to Ketterdam. He remembered how beautiful you’d seemed that day, your hair loose, arms high above your head, and you were laughing. That sound he hadn’t forgotten. The pure laughter that had gotten out of you was a thing he still repeated in his head, years after he heard that last time. You never laughed again. Never got this spark in your eyes. Your smile never reached them as well.
“Kaz?” you knocked on the door leading to his room. “I need to talk to you.”
“Come in,” he replied, looking up at you. You had dark circles under your eyes, they were tired. You barely walked. “What is it?”
You took out a pouch, Kaz heard coins jingling in it. “I need you to buy me out.”
Shock made its way to Kaz’s face, you had never asked this question before. Even though he was prepared, he had a wad of money in his safe, just in case. He wanted to ask you so many questions but when you looked at him, pressing your hand to your stomach, rage started burning in him. “What did they do to you?”
“Kaz, please, I have money. Just do it.” You tried so hard to keep tears in your eyes, to not show anything.
“I don’t want your money,” he snapped, regretting it seconds after, he sounded too harsh. He got up and opened up his safe, taking out the money. “I am prepared.”
“Thank you,” you said, sitting on his bed. “Can I stay? I kind of don’t have any place to go.”
“Of course, I’ll be back as soon as I can.” With those words, he left, leaving you on your own.
After some time, that you just laid on his bed, trying to not paying attention to the pain you felt in your lower stomach, Kaz came back. His cane was clicking and he opened the door with a short sigh. The owner of the White Rose hadn’t wanted to sell your contract, saying you were his property. Kaz saw red, he’d hit Onkle Felix with the cane and had just taken the paper, leaving less money that it had been needed.
When he entered the room, you were laying on your right side, your back facing the door, you hadn’t changed. Your eyes were closed, but the breath was uneven. Kaz placed his walking stick beside his bed and climbed up on the soft mattress. He wanted so bad to touch you, to remove those hairs which gotten out of your updo, to caress your cheek. He took off his gloves, eyeing his slim, pale fingers. He laid down on his bed, he had your body next to him, he could’ve touched you so easily if he had wanted to.
Without the second thought, he touched your cheek slightly, tucking a strand of your hair behind your ear. Tracing your jaw line with his finger tip, seeing how calm you looked, how relaxed your body seemed. He removed his finger, testing his boundaries, yours also. He didn’t want to scare you off both by his trauma and yours.
“Don’t stop.” You whispered, gently opening your eyes, your voice raspy.
“Are you okay with that?”
“Kind of, just don’t stop.”
He wanted to pull you closer to him, to hug you properly, but instead, he took your hand in his and just traced small patterns on your palm. You smiled a little, falling asleep, while Kaz was just looking at you, remembering every detail on your face.
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